Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-29-21

Episode Date: March 29, 2021

Bill rambles about March, curfews, and fat people bragging.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday. Um, what the fuck? I thought it was March 30th, March 29th. Jesus Christ. This month's never going to end. I'm telling you right now, every year you're just like, oh my God, the year is flying by. I know I've said this a million times, but I cannot stress enough how slow the month will go by if you're not partying at all. If you're straight edge, it's just, if you're just sober, sober, just slows it down. You know, you go from watching full court fast break basketball to a pitcher's duel. Actually, a pitcher's duel takes kind of goes quicker, doesn't it? This strike, well, unless they're mowing people down. I don't know what it is.

All I know is it's taken a long time. All right. And I almost, almost smoked a cigar yesterday. My wife gave me the green light. We were hanging out, right? We having a good time and weed is legal out here, man. So my wife went into a store and bought herself a doobie, man. And she's like, isn't your cigar bar across the street? Isn't there a cigar bar? I was like, why? Yes, there is. She goes, why don't you meet me over there? So I say, okay. So I go in there and I start browsing. And I'm smelling the smells, right? And there's all these fucking guys and not a lot of guys, but there's people in there smoking cigars and their cigar smokers. So they're cool. They're not talking. They're just smoking their cigars, just fucking chilling, watching a game,

right? Cigar bars, right? It's where adults go until the broads show up and then it gets fucking late. And second, they show up, you know, becomes another thing, you know, unless they're cool, which, you know, in fairness to the broads, like there's very few cool guys. And I'm going to say that I'm a cool guy, the way that all of these white people are just saying that they're woke because they said so. If you can say you're woke, then I could say I'm cool. If that's how the games played. If I am, whatever you say that, whatever I say I am, I'm going to do a remix of the M&M song. So I go in there and I start browsing, right? And then the owner comes in, hey, I haven't seen you in a while. I'm like, hey, you know,

I kind of been laying it off. He's like, hey, I got a great cigar for you to come back to. And I was like, hey, why don't you show me what it is? Because I was looking at one of those little, one of the nubs there, my favorite little fucking afternoon one there, a little Connecticut nub, right? She goes, I got something for you. I got something. There's this, see this cigar it is, it's this cigar you want, blah, blah, blah. I'm holding my hand smelling it. It's right there, right? Fucking paying for the crack, right? Whatever the heroin I'm tying off my fucking, I'm getting into it. And then I'm just like, you know what, no, I can't do this. I only got a couple more days. I said, I was going to fucking do it. I'm going to fucking do it. And I just left. I just,

I, you know, I did, I got a soda or a pop, if you're from the Midwest. And I went into, and I just, he let me sit, I've spent enough fucking money in there, he let me hang and drink a fucking Coke. Then my wife came over, you know what I mean? She took a couple of puffs. Yeah, we were hanging, we just had like the best day. I was driving my old truck, which I just got fixed. You know, I had a problem with the steering, power steering or whatever, the steering assembly. It's been leaking forever and sort of fixed it. You know, those old fucking trucks, there's always something leaking. But I was driving around and there was a guy, actually, my wife Instagrammed it. There was this guy in front of us had like, I think a Lamborghini

and the license plate said, you're weak, which I thought was funny. I mean, you know, are you really being arrogant? I mean, you got to fucking Lamborghini. You got to talk a little shit, right? And then he had like the aluminum foil wrap on it on the outside where, you know, if you stand at this angle, it's gold. If you at that angle, it's silver. And he's cranking the stereo. It's fucking hilarious. He's in like, stop and go traffic, just going. Fucking hilarious. And, you know, of course, I was fucking laughing just going, oh my God, look at me, acknowledge that I'm here, right? So I was a couple of cars behind and actually saw this older guy was there. He said, you know what, I'd rather have that old truck

than the fucking Lamborghini. That made me feel good, right? We just had a great day. Then we went out, we got lunch. I had a great day hanging with my wife. And I didn't fuck up. I've kind of, you know, I was doing well with the food. I tried to go like plant base. And last weekend, I made a fucking chocolate malt and I'm telling you, the food's a drug. I fucking went back to the crack pipe. And then this week, I was just like, yeah, you know, I lost a good six pounds. And you know what? I think I put them all back on. I didn't have the fucking courage to get back on the scale, you know? But I did a show last night. Somebody took a picture and I saw my belly was pushing out, you know? You know what the worst thing is? Even the second you get just a little

bit of a gut, it makes your pecs look like mantis. You just can't have your stomach pushing your t-shirt out. If that's happening, then you got to upgrade to the button down. And if it's still happening, then you got to get a sweater. And it just, it never fucking ends. You just got to keep adding layers, you know? So whatever. I'm starting from a better place than I did the last time. It's just, I can't fucking lose weight unless I'm doing cardio. Whatever that guy in YouTube, you know, cardio burns fat, right? No. Whatever the fuck he's talking about. I don't know. Maybe I'm an alien, but it works for me. It works. It works for me. Remember Bobby and Whitney? I, yeah, I got to get an elliptical in my life or something like that. Or because even when I just walk up

the hills out here, there are plenty of parks and shit and do the stairs, it's you just don't burn as much calories, I don't think, unless you're on like a fucking elliptical because it's essentially, I'm running without pounding my feet, my knees. You know, I'm just wearing out my hips. So anyway, I just had a fucking awesome weekend. You know, I did a couple of really fun shows. There were three nights in a row. You know, I did a show Friday night at Supernova is what they call it. I did a show there. And then I did my, what the hell was the show? I did, oh, I did my Australia New Zealand show. I had a fucking great time doing that. And I got to work with Aldell Benny, who I started off with, who was the funniest I've ever seen him. So I can't imagine how funny he is

in front of an actual like live crowd, because you know, there is sort of like that delay as you're doing it just a little bit. But like he was so goddamn funny. And he had this bit about speaking of hip replacements, he got a hip replacement, and they gave him some pills. And it caused him to fall off the wagon. And it's the best shit I've ever seen him do. And I've known him for almost 30 years. And it was so good. We got to talk via the zoom thing right before we got caught up a little bit. I just miss that guy fucking love him to death, man. So if you're down on that, and Aldell Benny is performing anywhere, go see that guy. Absolutely fucking hilarious. He's a good cunt, whatever the fuck you say down there. Thank you to people New Zealand

who also showed up. It was cool seeing you guys hanging out in your living rooms and all that type of shit, seeing what you were laughing about what you weren't, I will admit towards the end, I thought I was kind of bombing. But what happens is is when people are too loud next to their microphones, they start to mute people. So in the end, I thought I was like bombing. But then I got all these texts say, no, man, you killed you killed. So I was relieved that it went well. And somebody had a dog that was like barking or something in the other room. So they couldn't figure out who it was. And they never quite got to him. So but it wasn't barking nonstop. But it was still, it was a lot of fun. Yeah. So anyway, so my truck's fixed. You know, I had talked my

wife into riding. She bounces around too much. I like, it's like, come on, man, it's the weekend. Get to take my fucking good looking woman out, you know, this is this is what it is. Come on, let's she's like, all right, all right, I had a great time. You know, it was cool. We pulled up to the restaurant. And you know, my truck shifts three on the tree. So I was like, you know how to drive like, you know, shift on the column, he goes, I do, but why don't you just back it up right here? And just he gave me that little thing, you know, that little, you know, way they don't valet, they let you leave it in front of it, that little extra fucking, you know, thing made me feel cool. And I got out. And of course, I quote good fellas, right? I walked by,

you know, my wife said, they're going to let you leave it right there. I said, yeah. And I looked at her and I go, it was out of respect. So of course, she rolls her eyes. Oh, God, goes in. She liked it. She liked, she liked that. I gotta fuck. I like to think she did. Anyways, isn't that what every toxic fucking person says? Isn't that their catchphrase? She liked it. Sorry. Plowing ahead here. So and then lastly, I finally got all of these pictures that I had. I finally just got somebody to come over here, put them up and and then put my TV where it needed to be so I could get my stereo. I bought a high five, man. And my speakers are on either side of the table underneath the stereo. I'm so fucking psyched. And you know, it kills me. I've been waiting to do that for like

two years. Not two years because I got the stereo last year. But like, I knew it was fucked up with the second I got in here. And I just for some reason, I just kept thinking out, fuck, they're going to come in here. This is going to take forever. These guys were done in like under two hours. And I finally, you know, I got this cool picture of me and Patrice. I got one of me in Derosa. And then I got this big space on my wall. And I got a, there's a good photographer out here. And I'm going to get one of me, Verzi and Bartnick. Next time we do a show or whatever, smoking cigars or some shit, I'm going to get a cool black and white one. And then I got to get one of myself and my wife and then one of me with the whole family. And then I'm good. You know,

I got my parents over in the corner. It's fucking the whole thing came together. Just had a great weekend, right? And just when the weekend couldn't get, oh, then I had another show. Call them old Billy shows this weekend. I did, uh, I did a show at the Rose Bowl, not in the Rose Bowl. We were at the Rose Bowl. So we were in the Lawned, as my dad says, the Lawned. Christ, did you mow the fucking Lawned? Well, why not? Well, it's just like your studies. You're fucking off. Oh Christ, you're just like your mother. Um, we were on like, we had like the Lawn like, uh, area on the side where you could actually see where it says the Rose Bowl. And it was nice enough that they lit it up for us. Um, and you know, I hadn't been out there since the Rose Bowl

in 2020, January, before all this bullshit happened. And, uh, it was cool to be there sober. First time, possibly ever. And, uh, I was backstage and stuff. And that was, uh, you know, there was some stuff, you know, I could have partake then. And I didn't, didn't have any booze, didn't have any weed, you know, you can microdose these. And I was just like, no, no, no, no. You know, I started to feel like I was an airplane, you know, when the guy's trying to walk through the airport and the harry christians and everybody's coming up to him and he's just throwing them out of the way. Uh, it was really fun. But, uh, the people that sponsored it was a really, I wish I knew the name of a, uh, really cool, uh, weed company or whatever. And I guess they got the

best vaporizer ever out there. So I got that for my wife. Um, but it felt good. And they said, you want some, you want some weed? And I said, no, I don't smoke weed. It felt good to say that, all of that shit. No, I don't drink. So I think I'm going to try to do this again next month. Now, here's the thing. I am not done forever with booze, maybe booze. I don't know, but any of this shit, but like, I am done using it the way I was using it, where I was using it as, uh, a way to numb pain. It's like, all right, I need to figure out what I'm upset about and I need to fucking address it with an unaltered mind, figure out what it is, forgive whatever the hell it is I did or whatever somebody did to me, just and let the shit go and then come back strong and

start partying for the right reasons. That's, that's what I'm going to do. So anyway, I watched, I watched, uh, you know, racing. Oh, let me talk about, I didn't even talk about the, the Rose Bowl show. So it was like 700 people in CAS. Um, and the crowd was fucking amazing, even though you couldn't hear 90% of them. Fortunately, there were some people with pickup trucks and people who were sitting outside and they were laughing. They were kind of down front, so I could sort of play off of them, but, uh, I am not going to lie to you, dude. It was, it was, you know, there were moments where, you know, if I didn't make those two little pockets of people laughing, it just, I felt, I was joking. I felt like I was in a sci-fi movie and I was

pleading for my life in front of this unsympathetic board of, of whatever they were that I couldn't quite see. Um, but it was a real fun show. David Spade was out there, Jeff Ross, uh, some younger, newer, younger comics that I met. Um, this one guy, a former Marine coming up, his last name was Simpson. I forget his first name, but, uh, just met a really, a lot of cool people out there. Um, Adam Eget was there, uh, all of the shores, Paulie Peter and Scott were all there. It was fucking, it was great. Everybody got, you know, tested, rapid tested so you could fucking hang out. I still wore the mask, you know. So, but, uh, I went up there at a great time and then I got to bring up one of my favorite

comics of all time, Ian Edwards, who has an amazing special called Ian Talk. And, uh, it was great. I had a great fucking time, great goddamn weekend. So, just when that, couldn't get any better. Um, MotoGP and F1 racing started this weekend, right? And I woke up, I was like, oh fuck, did I miss it? You know, did I miss them or whatever? And the F1 race, I'm not gonna lie to you, I missed the first like 30 something laps. So, I watched the last half of the race. Um, the MotoGP I put on during the Moto2 race. So, of course, I'm looking for the American there. Native of Los Angeles, Joe Roberts, who was in eighth place when I watched him finish sixth,

I believe. And then I watched the, uh, the MotoGP race, which, um, you know, I didn't realize that, uh, actually, well, I knew that Marc Marquez wasn't gonna be in it. He had some, another difficulty, you know, he broke his, uh, humorous last year and he had some sort of complications or something that he's, uh, working out. But I noticed, I didn't see, uh, that's hilarious. I'm looking for Andre De Vizioso and it comes out, Andre De Vizioso, wife comes up first. And I wasn't sure if this, does this guy have a ride this year? Vizio, man, doubts MotoGP race return in 2021. Oh, he won't be back. Like that was my favorite, rider in, in the, in the main, main thing there. But anyway, he'll be back. Um, sucks he's not there.

But I watched the race and, um, Maverick Vinales won it. It was a great race. I missed the very first lap because the people who were coming to switch the shit around in my office here came and I was watching it live for once, first time since it's, it's, hasn't been on, uh, channel 220 on direct TV. But, uh, what was amazing was, uh, was it, is it Johan Meer or whatever? I don't know what the fuck his name is. He was in second place last year's championship and he's hanging on to the very end and then he took a turn wide right at the end and there was two Ducati's right behind them. Um, and they did the old slipstream there and then it's great the announces fucking screaming their asses off. I mean, nothing gets me off the fucking couch like

MotoGP. It's fucking amazing. Fucking amazing. It was a great race. So I posted about it and everybody goes, I hope you watch that F one race. It looks like Max Verstappen finally has a fucking car to, uh, compete with, uh, Louis Hamilton. So I got all excited like, Oh fuck, did Max Verstappen beat Louis Hamilton? Right? Because Louis Hamilton and Mercedes are just so fucking better than everybody else. I have to fight hating Louis Hamilton because he's so fucking good. I mean, I understand they got more money and shit. So that's annoying. So anyway, I'm watching the fucking race. I put it on and I'm like, you know, in, uh, of course, Louis Hamilton's in the lead and I'm watching the race and I'm watching, I'm watching and, uh, all of a sudden, you know,

Max Verstappen just keeps closing the gap, closing the gap. He's behind five points, something seconds, four points, something sex, three points, something sex. They start talking about the, uh, what do they, what do they call that? Not the slipstream. The, uh, he's going to have the, whatever the fuck they call it because of the D. I can't remember anything. Um, because I'm doing nine million things, obviously. Uh, so he gets right on his ass and then Louis Hamilton does something that you never see him do. He makes a fucking mistake. Turn 10. He goes wide and Max Verstappen is right on his ass and he's got that fucking whatever the fuck they call it. And you know, like the next place he has space, he goes to the outside of them and dude, I am

jumping up and down, jumping up and down. He fucking blows by him and there's like fucking two laps left or something, three laps left and I'm freaking out. It's going to be great racing this year. Right. Screaming. And then all of a sudden he just slows down and he lets Louis pass him and my jump just slowed down. So I was just bouncing on my toes. Say, why, what the fuck? The fuck just happened? You know, Hamilton, he had no back end. He was flying. His ass end was all over the fucking track. Max Verstappen had total control of his car. He went by him and all of a sudden he's just, he fucking slows down. He lets the guy go pass him. What the fuck is going on? And then he announces like, Oh, when he passed him, he wasn't on the

track. So he has to let him go boy. And I was just like, and he was still close to him, but I just knew. I just knew. I'm like, Louis Hamilton does not fuck up twice. Once every fucking 20 races, he will fuck up. And then when you go by him, you cannot fuck up at all. And if you do fuck up, that's it. The race is over. And they were screaming and yelling. The announcers were screaming yelling, trying to get me back up off the couch, but I did not get back off the couch because I've been watching since 2015. Okay, I'm still new, but I have watched long enough to know that the race was over. And I just was slowly sat down on the couch, sank into the cushions. I just sat there expressionless. And of course, Max Verstappen's car,

because he got off the track, there was something in his tire. All of a sudden he's having problems. He can't close the gap down draft. That's what they call it. I don't know if he's going to get close. He's not going to get close enough. The fucking race is over. And I cannot tell you how disappointed I was that Max Verstappen didn't win. But then at the end of the race, I was I was still excited where I was like, listen, okay, Lewis Hamilton is the Derek Jeter, the Tom Brady, the Bill Russell, the Bobby Yor, the Michael Jordan of this sport. Okay. So, but all of those people other than Michael Jordan, because Michael just had no competition, but all of those people needed they like, you know, Joe

Montana needed Elway, Bill Russell needed Will Chamberlain, Bobby Yor, I don't know if he had any peer, but there was still guys like Ken Dryden, just amazing goalies and shit. Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, that great duel, you know, and in the end, whoever's the best, you know, Arod and Derek Jeter and Nomar was a thing for a while. And then just at some point, the greatest of all time just pulls away from all of them. So what I'm hoping is to get a little Brady Peyton Manning thing going on here with Lewis Hamilton and Max Verstappen, but it looks like Max Verstappen has a great car. And I was tweeting, I really hope this isn't a fluke. Because F1 is one of the great sports of all fucking time. And they just haven't had every sport goes through it. There'll just be a period

that happens where there's just the competition isn't where it needs to be. So I'm really excited about F1 for the first time in like two, three years, because I've kind of been like lazily watching it. You know, I would watch the start of the rainbow, like, all right, well, Lewis got, you know, he's in first place after the first turn, the fucking race is over. So I would just wait for that race where he somehow fucked up in the time trial, one should be 20 races. And he was like, you know, starting from like the second or third position, then it could be fun to watch him basically overtake people eventually. So another thing that I put to bed was I never understood in the Moto2 race, this guy from Great Britain won. And whenever they win, they would play what I

knew as my country, Tissothy, my country, tears of the sweet land of liberty. And I'm like, what the fuck? You know, why are they playing our song? Right. And then I just finally looked up and I just said my I looked up my country, Tissothy, and looked up that and I wrote looked up England's national anthem. And it turns out we ripped them off. It's their song. I didn't I didn't know that. So ours goes my country tears of the sweet land of liberty of the icing. This song, it's kind of hilarious lyrics. It goes God save our gracious queen long live our noble queen God save the queen. Now right off the bat, you can't tell me that bitch wasn't looking over the dude's shoulder as he was writing the lyrics. Yes, you gotta mention me in every fucking line.

Send her victorious happy and glorious long to reign over us. God save the queen. I mean, how fucking pussy whipped her? Are they long to reign over us? They're like just total fucking cucks to this lady, right? Then what I like. This is this really interesting lyrics. Our Lord our God arise get to our animise just trying to make it right and make them fall. I love this part here. Confound their politics frustrate their navish tricks, navish tricks. I don't want to say that on the hopes we fix God save us all. And this is this the new world order one. Here's the new world order one part not in this land alone but be God's mercy is known from shore to shore. Here we go. Lord make the nation see that men should brothers be and form one family. Oh Jesus,

the wide world over or whatever. Yeah. Okay, there you go. There you go. There's the Illuminati. They wrote that stanza. So that's cool. So that's that's the national anthem and his typical yank. I had no fucking idea. Been watching race racing forever. I'm like, are they giving a shit that the English guy won that they're fucking playing our song? You know, like that time I saw the Stanford band play the farmers only. You don't have to be lonely when they were playing Iowa at the Rose Bowl. I thought they were giving a shit. So it turns out it's their national anthem which is called God save the Queen great fucking tune. And it also makes me appreciate the title of the sex pistol album. Right. But that angry redheaded bastard, right. God save the queen.

Right. I'm saying it ironically. It's amazing how angry that guy still is. Is it Johnny Rotten? Right. I'm living up to me name. I'm in a rotten mood always. Are those flowers? I don't like them. That guy makes me look like a fucking breath of fresh air. Oh, Jesus. Now, where in the fuck am I goddamn? I swear to God, you close a fucking window and then everything just goes away. This is, you know what it is because I'm writing all of this shit right now. Oh, are you Bill? Are you Bill? What are you fucking Drake working on the weekend like usual? Nobody asked you Drake. Nobody asked you how often you work and what you're doing.

Okay. I've said it before you work for yourself. If you don't want to work this weekend, then don't that's that's up to you. You're 100% in control. All right. So anyway, so now I'm adding. Now that I am, I am going to try to go another month. Oh, Jesus. Another month with nothing but having one chocolate malt a week, which I can't even fucking do that because if I eat that, then I'm just like, you know what? I want a steak then I want some something salty. Some mashed potatoes or whatever. Um, that fucking coaster. Dude, you know what's overrated is a goddamn fucking coaster. A coaster has to have weight to it because if you fucking put a glass on it, the condensation then makes the glass stick to the fucking coaster. If the

coaster doesn't have any weight, you go to pick it up and then it falls on the fucking floor. These are the frustrations of the first world. Um, yeah. So I'm going to try to add yoga. Oh, Jesus. I got to do it. I said I was going to go sting in my fifties. All right. Cause that fucking guy looks amazing. He looks fucking amazing. Sting is still fuckable and he's, he's, he's almost 70. I mean, I know he's got, he has zillions of dollars. I know he lives in a castle, right? Um, but still that guy, if he walked into a fucking bar, he, you know, without even playing bass, if he wasn't famous, that guy could still fucking, he could pull something out of there. He might have to drag it out of the mud at this point, but he could drag something out

of there and go home, right? So it seems to be what he does, right? He does yoga and he fucks for like three days straight. I don't know what he does. Practices his bass in odd time. I'm just going to do what the fuck he does because I want to be in, in, in his shape. Um, and I'll tell you right now, you don't do that by fucking making a goddamn chocolate malt every week. He just throws your whole fucking week off. Oh, I had another one last night. Oh, it's fucking delicious. It's my fucking, it's my everything now. It's my crack, my heroin. You know, at least I, I split it with my wife and I would be lying to you if I didn't resent her when I have to pour that one half into her little thing, her little glass.

You know, I do the whole thing. I put the whipped cream on it. I put a little cherry on top of it. It's the gayest thing ever and I fucking love it, but it does throw my diet off for the whole fucking week. So anyway, I woke up this morning, but do do do do it. And I did, you know, worked out and then I went for a nice long walk with my son. Um, and he was in a great mood. I had an awesome time with him this morning. I'm starting to think he might be a drummer because we have this little metal table and he always pulls himself up on it and his little fat hand, you know, his little fat baby hands, he got fat feet, little fat hands, right? And he just fucking banging on it, right? So I'll just play a little rhythm, whatever. And he stops, his eyes

get all wide and you get psyched and he's banging again. It's so funny. He holds himself so close to it that it's his palm all the way to his elbow. It's just whacking down on this thing, right? Um, his little fat arm. So I don't know. I'm not going to force music on either one of my kids, but I'm definitely kind of expose him to it. We will see, uh, we'll see what happens. But all right, let me, let me read a little bit of advertising here and then I'll talk to you about, uh, some more shit about driving my truck now that I got it back. Um, okay, here we go. Oh, Jesus, what do we got here? How many we got here? How many you got here? A couple, two, three, four. Okay. Oh, these are all fun ones, but your box when I need to be eating at night.

I need to eat a nice fucking protein size, the palm of my hand and some greens, drink some water and go to bed. No chocolate malts. All right, put your box, everybody. I was speaking a witch. I fuck, not, not fuck, put your box, but hang on a second with those guys. So I was talking to Aldell Benny, right? And I was talking about trying to be sober and that type of shit, right? And I talked to him, I was making these chocolate malts and he was laughing saying whatever works. And I said, yeah, they're different than, you know, the malts were from the Midwest. You know, the malts were from the Midwest. It was different than, you know, the East Coast. They had the fraps and then he wrote frible. And I had not thought about this place in the

East Coast called friendlies and they had the frible and they had a big plastic glass with the red writing of friendlies, frible. And then through looking that up, I realized that in, in Rhode Island, they have something called an awful, awful. This is the, what the internet does to you, right? So now I'm going down a malt, frappe, frible, awful, awful rabbit hole, enjoying every second of it. So the awful, awful started, I think in New Jersey. And it was their version where they, they don't use, what was it? I don't know what the fuck they use like frozen milk or something like that. There's something different that they gives it a different texture. So they gave it to some

fucking guy back then to try it out. And he said it's, what do you think he said? It's awful big and it's awful good or something like that. So they started calling it the awful, awful, which is really a terrible name for something so delicious. But evidently, there's some sort of creamery or some shit in Rhode Island where they make one. And now guess what? This is what I have to do. You know, it's funny. I remember reading about AC DC. And when everybody in the beginning used to see Angus Young doing all that shit, bouncing up and down like a fucking lunatic. The whole show, everybody thought like, how many, how much drugs is that guy on? And he wasn't on any drugs. He was stone sober. And his shit was he smoked, after the show, he smoked cigarettes

and he drank a chocolate shake. All right. And if you ever watched Angus play guitar, how much he moves and how fucking skinny he still is. And the fact that he's five foot nothing, and the fat has no way to go, you know, a tall person, it's easy for them, easy for them to be skinnier. They got places to hide the fat, right? This guy's got no way to put it. He's still thin as a rail. And it makes me think back to that guy going like cardio burns fat, right? No. Well, fucking talk to Angus Young, man. All right. Sorry. So that's on my list when this whole pandemic ends, when it fucking ends, when we have the Hatfields and McCoys are the fucking vaccinated and the non vaccinated. You know, I keep saying to people who don't want to get the vaccine,

I go, so back in the day when they cured polio, you wouldn't have got that fucking vaccine. You just would have walked around with one leg bigger than the other one. And they're like, well, no, that's back when they did it right. What do you mean back when they did it right? They were doing just as much fucked up shit. They were doing more fucked up shit back then. Where the civil rights movement was. There's all kinds of things. The fucking cars you drove, you hit a tree, the whole fucking engine and steering wheel went into your chest. You squirted out the side like toothpaste. But you know, people have, I only give shit to white people. I don't give shit to black people because the government did give

them syphilis. I don't know why I'm laughing. I'm just saying, you know, we do not condone giving syphilis to people of color on this podcast. All right. And with that, let's get to the advertising. I can't get to the advertising because I keep, I still have too much to talk about. Another thing, you know, why I like to another driver, I love Max Verstappen, but Sebastian Vettel, I love that guy because he has a temper. And he clearly, this guy passed him in the race and he clearly just smashed into the back of him. And then he immediately goes, he goes, why do you leave his line? I think he gets mad when people pass him. And then he fucking drives into him. And then he throws his hands up like, what happened? I don't know what happened.

You know, and then he got Kimi Reichenan, who's just above it all, driving like a fucking maniac in some car that's not worthy of having him. Anyway, I'm just psyched that, I'm just psyched that, you know, Max Verstappen hopefully will have a car that can compete with Lewis Hamilton. It's going to be fun. All right. Anyways, here we go. Now here's the advertising. Put your box, everybody. All right. Talk about what you're planning for spring cleaning, et cetera, rearranging, redecorating rooms, throwing out junk, organizing the kitchen of the office. Well, I believe I already talked about it. You know, I have a bunch of knickknacks that people gave me that I'm going to be giving out to people at shows, just because I have like a lot of clutter here. And I appreciated

everybody that gave me that stuff and I held on to it for years and I would think about the shows and everything, but I'm drowning in it. So I have to, you know, pass it on to other people. The same way I'm getting rid of some of my Letterman suits and Conan O'Brien suit shit that I wore from way back in the day, I got to figure out a cool way to give those to somebody who gives a fuck. Or maybe I'll donate them to the Comedy and Magic Club because they have a, basically, they have a ridiculous museum of all kinds of stand-up stuff, like a Smithsonian level deal with that. So anyway, yeah, I'm doing that shit. Anyway, you might not love cleaning, but you can something, but you can't help feeling great about taking care of your space.

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You're freaking me the fuck out. The number one and two seeds. What, in one region? All right. Anyway. Okay. Let's get back on the traffic. The number one seed have been knocked off. I mean, what top seed hasn't been sent packing? The dogs are barking. But if college ball isn't your jam, and take a swing at the MLB lock of the season with a bet, you simply cannot lose. My bookie has lowered the over under on total runs to 0.5 for the opening day matchup between the Dodgers and Rockies. So smash that over and grab your free money, people. Talk about who you're betting on to win March Madness, who's in your bracket. I got the Michigan Wolverine, and I got the

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You're a poor fellow, Willem. Well, no folks, no fucking podcast. I'm, I can't do a Scottish accent. I'm Scottish, but I live in Wales. I live in, I lived in London for 15 years. Jesus Christ, I get around before moving here. So my husband and I could actually afford to buy a house. I'm responding to the male Brit who emailed you about the proposed curfew for men, which was suggested after a young woman was snatched from the street and murdered by a serving London police officer. Wow. See that America is an American story right there happening in London. American piece of shit in a lunch seat. It's not, it's not always us. All right. The background to this is before the cops had worked it, worked out that was one of their own officers

before the cops had forked it out. Before the cops had worked out, it was one of their own officers who had kidnapped and murdered this girl. This is so fucking horrible. The Met London police had advised that all women should stay at home to avoid the same thing happening to them. The female member of parliament who suggested the male curfew. Oh, because a guy did it to the woman. So fucking stupid. What do you think the fucking serial killer is going to be like? Well, I guess I'll, I guess I got to stay home. I guess I got to start following rules now. Baroness Jones did so in protest and to provoke a response. She later said, I'm just trying to highlight the fact that when the police victim blame by asking women to stay

at home, we don't react. But when I suggested for men, everyone is up in arms. They're not victim blaming. They're trying to fucking protect you because this is what this person is going after. I swear to God, dude. I swear to God. The only thing that's important right now in life is that scientists said by 2050, the amount of plastic in the ocean is going to outweigh the amount of fish. I just watched this fucking thing where these fish are up at the top of the surface because there's no oxygen in the water and these whales have to create a new way of hunting because of all the plastic we're throwing in there and everybody's going like, right, they're fucking victim blame. They're not victim blame. Trying to save your fucking life.

You know, if the cops could say, hey, can all psychopath women killing serial killers all stay home this evening, then you could go out. Victim blame. Jesus fucking Christ. The world is going fucking nuts. If somebody was out there killing redheads and the cops told me to stay home, I wouldn't be like, stop freckle blaming. I would fucking stay home. Or maybe, you know, start working with the cops and walk down the street with a revealing outfit and try to lure the guy out of the bushes wearing my little wire on my brazier. The listener who told you about the suggested male curfew sounds like a little like my husband who responded by saying not all men do that and a curfew for men criminalizes the good guys. I wholeheartedly agree

that not even close to all men behave or act like that, but almost all women have been affected by male violence at some point in their life. You know, and we've been all been affected by toxic women and psycho chicks too. Okay, human beings are unbelievably flawed. Having said all this, if the cops told me to stay home because there's some piece of shit out there kidnapping and fucking, you know, killing women, I would stay home because I get their thing where it's kind of like, all right, well, this guy has this Hungary needs to feed. He's going to go out. He's going to go, he's going to go out. No, wait, wait, the cops didn't tell the guys, I'm now more confused. The lady said for the guys to stay home. I don't give a fuck. This is what I would do. If I was a

man or a woman, whatever the cops are telling me to do, they're trying to catch the fucking guy. So I would listen to the cops and I'd stop making it about yourself, male or female. All right, anyway, to give you an idea, just a few things that have happened to me are I was severely beaten up in the street by an ex-boyfriend. I took that fucking to court and he was convicted almost 20 years later. I still have nerve damage in my face from it. Jesus Christ. On a morning commute to work, I was struck in the nose, in nose to tail London traffic. They suited and booted douchebag and the Mercedes next to me was wanking whilst looking me dead in the eye. I sat with my hand on the horn, shouting out the window and pointing until he put his shaky,

skanky dick away. Jesus Christ. What the fuck is going on in London? I was horribly and intimately groped by a man on the London Tube. I was filming in Belgium. Oh Jesus, at least you fucking finally left London. I work in TV production and some dickhead member of the public came out of nowhere and groped my tit before running away. I was wrapped up in a winter coat so wasn't wearing anything that caused me to quote ass for it. This is horrible, stating the obvious. Most recently, I was followed home in the dark by some angry crackhead guy as he was so messed up on whatever shit he'd taken. I could, I could thankfully run faster than him and got into my house before he reached my street and worked out where I lived. Every single female

friend I have has similar to worse stories than mine. Worse stories than nerve damage 20 years later. Every single female friend you have. So whilst I agree that not all men behave like this, instead of pissing and moaning, it would be helpful for guys, if guys got as angry when the authorities suggested us women should stay at home to avoid being raped and murdered. On a lighter note, we're looking forward to when you're going to be back over. Yeah, I think both sexes need to just listen to the cop because I think you said it there. The authorities are trying to make sure you don't get raped and murdered. Just let the cops do their work. Everybody get out of their own ego and stop making this fucking Hatfields and McCoys.

There's a bunch of great women and men out there that would like to see this guy get caught and the people whose job it is to get him caught are the cops. So if they come up with a game plan, why don't you go with it? It's like when the doctors come up with a game plan to beat a virus, why don't you go with it instead of trying to become your own fucking doctor? But whatever, what do I know? I'm just a fucking comedian. All right, plowing ahead here. All right, men's curfew. Another one. Hello, Rusty Bill. Hello, Rusty Bill. Just addressing the email you received regarding a men's curfew. The suggestion was tongue in cheek. Oh, I didn't realize that. The narrative is women must not travel alone, but out at night after a certain

time dress appropriately, etc. To be safe. So in response, women are saying they are not the ones who should be changing their behavior as it's men who are more likely to be the cause of violent crime against both genders. That is okay. The idea is so astoundingly fucking stupid because you're talking about someone who would rape, murder, and kidnap somebody as if they are a rational human being, as if the only reason that they're doing this, they're trying to increase the odds of you not getting picked. That's all they're doing while they go after this guy. And try and find them. That's all the fuck they're trying to do. They're trying to catch this guy. And everybody's like, well, how come you don't do that? I give up. I give up with all of that shit.

All right, millennials. What's up, you old Gen X ginger balls? Now, what's up old Gen X ginger balls? I've heard you talk a few times recently about enjoying these young crowds and how they're not getting offended as millennials do. Figure I'd let you know that these young people at your show most likely are millennials. No, they're not. And I know the ages of millennials. So don't even start the youngest millennials are 25. So unless you're performing to a bunch of 21 and 24 year olds, you've got us, I say us 27 years. No, no, this was a super young fucking crowd. I understand you guys are also all the way up to almost 40 years old. I'm the one who's been saying how old fucking millennials are. Don't fucking preach this back to me. Okay, I'm telling

you, there's been a shift and I'll give credit to maybe the ass end of millennials, but that front end of millennials are fucking horrific, fucking horrific. And I performed in front of enough of them, but I understand that you're a millennial. So you have to defend your generation, which is why you called me Gen X, even though I don't identify Gen X, because Gen X is somehow tied into grunge and grunge killed took all my music, all my fucking metal music off of the MTV back when they played music, the countdown. All right, an ex Muslim problem. No, Jesus. Hello, Bill. Hello, Bill. Hello, Newman. I watched every standup you've done. You've had online and been a longtime fan. Well, thank you. Although I didn't pay attention to the podcast till you took mushrooms.

Okay, I'm a Kurdish man born in Moussi, Iraq. I hope I said that right. I grew up. I grew up during the war and saw a lot of death. I got used to death at the age of nine to 12. Is that the saddest fucking thing? That was his childhood, because these banker cunts and these oil companies, fucking ridiculous, fucking ridiculous. It always comes down to those two fucking cunt energy and money comes down to those two fucking cunts, no matter where it is, no matter where it is. Anyway, one of our neighbor that was an officer died during the war. They brought his body in a truck wrapped up with a blanket that was exactly like mine. At night, I couldn't sleep and think

about him and death. I was taught to never question God, but I was questioning God that night to the things that are happening. Yeah, that's a totally normal. When you see what human beings can do to other human beings, shit, if you see what animals do to some other animals, like why are they Komodo dragons? I understand they got to kill to eat. Why can't they just kill them? They start eating them before they're even dead. I mean, it's just fucking ridiculous. It was the most terrifying time of my life because I thought God is going to kill me for thinking this way. Welcome to organized religion, but obviously nothing happened. I stopped questioning God or religion till ISIS came along. When Yazidis got attacked by, it says IS, I don't

know if that's ISIS or what, in 2014, they got kicked out of their homes and kidnapped their girls and women to be served as slaves to members, to IS members. I went to Sinjar Mountain to help them while they were coming down from the mountain. An old woman run down to an officer, jumped on his feet, kissing and cow-towing, begging him to bring her granddaughter back from IS. That was the moment I lost my religion and the idea of God. I couldn't live there anymore, so I moved to Sweden. Jesus Christ, this is a fucking heavy email. My family doesn't know that I'm not a religious person anymore. If I did tell them, they would never talk to me, but it's fine for them not to know. That's the smartest thing to do. So my problem is that I've fallen in love

with a Kurdish girl that is religious. I did tell her that I'm not religious because she deserves to know. She cried for two days and then told me she's okay with it. I guess she's hoping that I'll change my mind in the future, which I'm very sure that I won't. Every time I remind her that I'm not a religious person, she just ignores it. I always thought that love is a silly thing that doesn't exist till I meet her, till I met her. We are engaged now. We've talked about kids recently. I told her that I do not want kids to grow up with any religious ideas, but she thinks they'll be monsters if we did that. I'm okay with her being religious, but I'm definitely not okay with my kids growing up on those ideas. Love is strong,

but not strong enough to choose your life partner. We've been knowing each other for over three years now. That's the end of the email. Yeah, you need to work that out before you marry her. You're allowed to think what you think, and she's allowed to think what she thinks. If it works for her, it works for her. When I see what people do to other people, yeah, I just don't. The capability of fucking evil is just, I don't get it. I think if there is a God that made us, he or she could have done a lot better fucking job. All right, fat people bragging. Dear Billy Zigzag, I don't care who gets the vaccine before me because I'm not an at-risk person. I do, however, think it's fucking crazy that fat

people are bragging about getting the vaccine first on social media. I keep seeing threads of people, pictures of fat people throwing up peace signs like they won something. These high-risk people were the excuse to shut down businesses for a year, and they're the first ones to be able to go back and eat at a restaurant. Dude, you should be a comedian. This is a killer bit. And somehow, someone will think I'm a dick for complaining. How about a tad bit of shame for not taking care of yourself? Yeah, and slowing down the herd. I agree. I agree. You should turn that into your first stand-up bit or just for the fuck of it. Sign up for an open mic and just do that and get it off your chest. And even if you bomb, there'll be one person laughing and I'm telling you,

it'll make you a day. All right, cruising for a bruising. Dear Billy, the orange creamsicle. I know you're trying to trash me, but I kind of like that one. They call him the creamsicle kid. I am a 22-year-old university graduate from Toronto, Canada, working on the weekend, like usual. And I am currently working a job landscaping to make money until I start firefighter school this summer. Anyway, I have recently picked up a bad habit of boozing, very consistently since the start of the pandemic. Yeah, a lot of people I think are drinking heavily. I'm bored. And what can I say? I like my beer. I am drinking anywhere between four and eight beers every other night and sometimes more often than not. I think every other night is more often than

not. Well, no, that's 50-50, right? Nah, my suck at math. I drink every night. Oh, and sometimes more often than not, I drink every night. I know you've been sober for a number of years now. Sort of. I was California sober as Josh Adam Myers says. And basically, weed then kind of took over, you know, and I was having an edible like four or five times a fucking, you know, a week. And then I was just like, this is, I have a problem again. So I had to walk away from that. So I've really just been sober since February 28th. So he says, I am thinking I should follow in your footsteps or at least drop down the number of days a week I'm drinking. I don't know about you, but I use booze to calm my anxiety and spice up my days so I don't spiral into a fitted

depression. Hey, welcome to the club. He goes, however, as we all know, too much booze can lead to bad decisions that make you feel like a piece of shit the next morning. And I absolutely hate that feeling. I have talked to a therapist before and it didn't do a whole lot for me. Anyway, I am just looking for some tips on how you got the booze out of your life because I don't want my future to go down the wrong path. Thanks a lot. I love the podcast All The Best To You, The Lovely Neon, You Wonderful Kids. Cheers and go fuck yourself. All right, well, everybody's different. For me, I just was done with booze. And I had kids and I felt I had only a daughter at that point. I just didn't feel good about being drunk down, getting drunk downstairs while she

was sleeping upstairs. Yeah, and then fucking, and then whenever I would have like an edible, I'd be like, if I was high, I would just be like, and I'd be like, you know, she's sleeping, nothing's gonna happen. I can do this. And it's just stupid. If something does happen, what the fuck? We have earthquakes out here. God knows what could happen. I'd be high as shit. It was stupid. So the big thing that's making you do it that made me do it was this underlying depression and sadness from all the shit that made me want to be, you know, drove me into being a comedian. And I think at some point, you kind of have to work that out. Maybe you had the wrong therapist, maybe you weren't ready for therapy, but it's always good to talk to something about it.

You know, talk to a therapist that I tried therapy, it hasn't worked, you know, for me. But you know, I'm drinking too much. And I think I'm drinking because to stay with these depressive thoughts, and that's not the right reason to drink. So I would just suggest being really open to either friends and family about it. And try to get a new therapist if you can. And just put it out there and tell people that you're drinking too much and you don't want to drink and you're drinking for the wrong reasons. And you want to stop. And if you ask for help, people, you'll be surprised. People will really help you out. And, you know, I'll tell you the great thing about not boozing is the next morning.

You feel great. You don't have to apologize to anybody. And, you know, everything you said was what you meant was, you know, was what you wanted to say, at least. All right, here we go. Last one here. I am a jealous girlfriend. All right. Hey, Bill, I'm a 25 year old woman with some abandonment slash daddy issues. I know this is who I am, but not necessarily the person I want to be. So of course, I'm in therapy to work this stuff out. Well, I got to commend you for knowing all that about yourself at the young age of 25. You're way ahead of the game. Unfortunately, my boyfriend is still sometimes subjected to my jealous nature. For example,

the other day he invited me to come visit him at work. And when I showed up, I met his new coworker who is very pretty. I should mention that I myself am beautiful, but even if I wasn't, I know my boyfriend loves me to the end of the earth and doesn't want to be with anybody else. That being said, I could still feel my Italian blood boil when I met this girl. I spent the rest of the day begging myself not to let my emotions get the best of me and say something to my boyfriend. My self-control lasted until the next morning. That's pretty good when I finally brought it up. A short little spat ensued, but about 15 minutes later, we were both hugging and apologizing. Well, this seems, you know, this, don't beat yourself up

after this. You know what your problem is and you're working your way through it. You're able to control it to the next morning. And even when it finally leaked out 15 minutes later, you were apologizing. He apologized. You know, I don't know why he apologized. You fucking started it, but you know, that's how it works usually. That's how the math is done. That's great though. So anyways, he said, I told him that I understood he has no control over how attractive his coworkers are. I also know that it's normal to flirt a little bit outside of a relationship. I myself innocently flirt with others from time to time. So I'm being super hyper critical by getting all but hurt at the thought of him doing it. I also acknowledge that every time I get jealous

like this, it probably makes him feel more and more suffocated, which will probably hurt our relationship in the long term. He handled this interaction like a champ forgave me for getting jealous. Said it was no big deal and made a joke about me being on my period. You guys sound like you got a cool relationship to me. I know he's being genuine when he says it's okay, but I can't help but put myself in his shoes. Which is something that's really difficult for people to do. That's called empathy. It's a tough thing for most human beings to do, putting themselves in somebody else's shoes. If I had a partner who acted the way I did, I would probably lose a little respect for them with every incident and know I would start feeling resentful and

suffocated. My question is, do you have any advice about damage controls? Is there anything I can do to get a little self-respect back and relieve any guilt he might have about being attracted to other people? Furthermore, do you have any advice on how I can calm the fuck down whenever I start overthinking and getting jealous? Thanks for your insightful comedy, PS Go Leafs. Oh, another person from Toronto. Working on a weekend like usual. I think a lot of this is in your own head. I think if you had a little hissy fit and then 15 minutes you apologized and you're owning up to your behavior, I don't think, I think that he knows that this is something that you're working on. So as long as you own up to it, I don't think he loses respect for you. I mean, I'm sitting there

thinking like all the stuff I was reading about you, I was thinking this woman's a keeper. You know, nobody's perfect and you actually are looking at yourself, you're examining yourself you're in therapy, you fuck up, you apologize, you feel bad, you put yourself in the other person's shoes, you can't ask any more of that from a person. So just keep working on yourself and I would actually not be so hard on yourself unless you don't apologize, which you did. And if it's over 15 minutes later, then, you know, I don't know, my wife flipped out and then 15 minutes later apologized to me, it's fucking over, it's squashed, it's like when you fight and then you're silent for the whole fucking day and then you get a half ass apology and then they

do it 10 minutes later again, that's when resentment comes in. So I think you're in the clear here, you're fine, keep working on yourself, you're way ahead of the game, you're only 25 years old, you're a kid. So you're gonna be fine, that's what I say, all right? Okay, all right everybody, that's the podcast. I don't want to tell you, I'm just looking around my fucking nice clean office and I'm loving life right now, I hope you guys are enjoying your life, all right, owning up to what the fuck you're doing, having empathy for other people, not working for banks or oil companies, helping out people less fortunate, let's try to be better people, man. All right, go fuck yourselves, I'll talk to you on, I'll check in on you on Thursday.