Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-30-15

Episode Date: March 30, 2015

Bill rambles about take out food, broad jobs and red headed seals.

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March 30th, March 30th everybody, in like a lamb, out like a lion. Remember I told you guys that I was gonna go to the fuckin' gym? You remember I said that? Do what I say, I fuckin' called it. Remember that? You remember? Oh my God, Stacey, you remember that? Well, oh, Billy Freckles fucked up this week.

I went back to New York City. New York City is fucking an evil, twisted place for me. As far as I just have too many friends, too many comrades, too many boozebag drinking buddies. I fuckin' drank like Dean, fuckin' Martin, all fuckin' weak. I went to the gym once, I played pickup hockey twice, so that's kinda like doing some cardio. I guess I walked to the subway and went up and down the stairs.

Other than that, other than that, it was an absolute, it was a shit show. I put on a display, I put on a display of fuckin' drinking this past week. I'm surprised that like, you know, Makers Mark is not sending me like some sort of trophy with their bottle on top of it. Alright? Oh, Jesus. Oh, what did I, what the fuck was I doing? You know what, you know what?

New York, it's weird, it's like you walk around so it's good, you know, about staying in shape. But like, the shit's open all fuckin' night. Not everything, by the way, because I remember back in the day when I was a kid and they were like, it's the city that never sleeps. It's open 24 hours. I used to think that meant like banks, hardware stores, like everything was open. It isn't.

Alright? Everything closes at a normal fuckin' time, like everything else, except for the places where you can really get in trouble. Like bars and fuckin' late night places to eat. Just every fuckin' dumb-ass thing that you could possibly do to wake up the next morning looking like you're in your first trimester. That's what I did. Coming home fuckin' hammered, right?

That's another thing too, because there's taxis all over the place. You don't even have to consider, hey, wait a minute, I have to drive. You know, I don't have to drive. I don't have to do anything. I have like fuckin' 100,000 designated drivers out there. My friend, my friend, waiting to take me home. And because I'm a white man, even if I'm just gonna walk home, they're still pullin' over.

Hey, my friend, my friend! Right? It's the kind of privilege I have being the blue-eyed devil, right? I can't even walk off the fuckin' pounce. That's a form of terrorism right there. When you see a white guy that you know needs to walk off the booze and you fuckin' pull over and I'm not even askin' for a ride and you still try to get me to get in your cab

because you hate my country's foreign policy. Right there, you're like, my friend, my friend! Get in my cab! You have heart attack when you're 50! God is great, right? How fuckin' hacky was that? That was like me doing a version of every stand-up comics, I guess, Indian accent.

What do you expect? I gotta do one of these every fuckin' week. I gotta workshop some shit. There's gonna be some hacky shit on here. What the fuck are you doin'? Sittin' at your desk with your little pen and pencil set that your mom and dad got you because they were so proud of you.

Oh, we're still proud of you. Here's the pen and pencil set and a stapler. You know what? Fuck your office supplies. What do you think about that? Fuck you. Look at your desk. Tell me right now, you're not sittin' at your desk

and you just don't have the urge to fuckin' put you fuckin' arm down on one side of it and just clear it right off like Denzel Washington when he's in a movie and the dialogue isn't up to his acting level so he's gotta start slappin' cups of water out of people's hands

just to make it seem compelling. Huh? You know what's fucked up about Denzel and Samuel Jackson? Two of the great fuckin' actors of whatever, what do you say, last 20, 30 years, right? They keep stickin' him in those, like, the blank movies, right? The negotiator.

The fuckin' freelancer. The architect. Whatever the fuck. It's always the something. Geez, can you get him a fuckin' script? Well, you know what? Can you guys stop stealin' movies so the $50 million budget movie comes back?

You cunts. Instead of everything being $100 million robots. You know, with the umbilical cords, the aliens, whatever the fuck goes on in there, right? It's either that or talkin' apes. Or what do you have? You got an independent movie for fuckin' 800 grand,

which you know is gonna be a bunch of awkward fuckin' nerds. You know, with their fuckin' glasses. And their fuckin' hoodies. Anyways. Anyways, what are you gonna do? Let's just plow it. I don't even know what the fuck I'm sayin' here. What I'm telling you is that, you know,

last week after me talkin' all this shit that I should go, you know, go step on the scale and see what the damage is, I have to do that after this podcast. I swear to God, if I'm back up over 180, you might, you might, you know, if you listen, if you listen intently, you might hear me, you might hear me weeping. Oh man, I'm fuckin' off the rails,

but it starts today. No, it doesn't start today. It doesn't start today, you know, because I was out of town, and, you know, my wife's been super busy, and, you know, there's nothing in the fridge. My truck is gettin' fixed. I don't have a vehicle.

And you know what I got up to? You don't want to have upstairs in the fridge. I have weak old lunch meat, and I have some fuckin' guacamole, because my wife saves all takeout. She just sticks it in there, and she, I mean, every fuckin' little thing, it's insane.

She's like a hoarder of leftovers, like little fuckin' every packet of sauce. Anytime we order sushi, she sticks all those fuckin' packets in there, like, you know, God forbid, some day a fuckin' mackerel falls through our ceiling, we gotta eat the whole thing, we'll have enough soy sauce, right?

Those things, old chopsticks, little tins of sour cream, you know, those little things that are fuckin' balsamic vinaigrettes, like, and then once every three months, I gotta be the bad guy. I gotta be the guy that goes in there, hey, listen, everybody, you know? Like I'm kickin' some bum out

that was supposed to get in an apartment. Come on, guys, you gotta go. All right, get up off the couch. You two guacamole, you're out! Gosh, you look like a container of shit! That's what I have upstairs. I have a container of brown guacamole. I already threw it out.

You know what I mean? I'm fucked. I got one can of dog food. I don't know what she did this weekend, you know? What do you mean? But you can't give them shit. You give them shit and then what? They get mad at you.

They get mad at you. They get mad at you when they didn't do the broad job of keeping the fuckin' refrigerator stocked. That is a woman's job. Go fuck yourself. I don't care if you have hair under your armpits or not. That's a fuckin' woman's job. The same way my job is I gotta take the fuckin' trash out to the curb.

There's certain things that were and always will be a man or a woman job around the fuckin' house. And I just feel, you know, keeping the fuckin' refrigerator stocked. You know? For your hero. For your inspiration. For the man in your life. I don't think that that's asking too fucking much.

Is it? I don't think it is. Oh, Jesus Christ. Whatever. I had a fuckin' bowl of cinnamon life this morning. One of my fuckin' eight years old. Those were my options. You know, I would have had the oatmeal, but there's no banana.

I gotta have a banana with the fuckin' oatmeal. You know? You know this about me. Oh, Jesus Christ. I mean, why even get involved in the fuckin' argument bill? How long have you been with? You know better. Don't take the bait.

Just fuckin' sit there and be like, I said nothing in the fridge. Oh, that's great. Thank you, sweetheart. You have a good day. Bye-bye. Hey, Cleo, you want to split a fuckin' can of dog food? You must remember this.

A kiss is just a kiss. I came home. Anyways, I want to, first of all, before I do any more babbling here in the podcast, I want to thank everybody over at Madison Square Garden this week for asking me to come over and do The Garden of Dreams. The Garden of Dreams. Benefit this week.

I could not have had a better time. I went to a Rangers game. I went to a Celtics game. You know, we played Pick-Up Hockey. We listened to the Thursday podcast. We played Pick-Up Hockey at Madison Square Garden. You know? Unbelievable.

The hardest thing I had when I was there at Madison Square Garden, was skating on the ice. The only thing harder than trying to keep my heart rate, my heart literally from jumping out of my chest. The only thing harder was trying to find a championship banner hanging from the rafters. They got all kinds of banners up there. They got banners up there for, like, division championships.

I mean, it's a sad thing. It's such a wonderful arena. Ah, come on. As a Boston fan, you know I had to break a little bit of balls. But it was tremendous. And we couldn't have had a better time. And I have the puffy booze face to prove it. I had a great fucking time.

And now I'm back. And believe me, when I told you the smoing that I rolled out of bed. Hey, let me tell you, I rolled out of bed, you know? I'll tell you last week I had a rough one. Anyways, so I come home last night and I got home late. And I'm back out here in LA. And me and the wife watched that Scientology movie on HBO. And you definitely should check it out, all right?

But if you don't sit down before you even watch the first second of it and say to yourself that they could literally do the exact same documentary on every fucking religion on this planet, then you probably shouldn't watch it. Because you're going to be one of those people that watches the Scientology video and be like, dude, these people are fucked. It's all fucked. It's everything that they're doing was, I can't speak for religion.

My religion did. Times is zillion. As far as I know, Scientology, for as abusive as they're claiming that they've been, they never killed anybody, you know? They didn't go around fucking children like my fucking organization. I don't have one rock to throw, but I will tell you, man, it was just more of the same. I watched it more like not just looking at it like this is Scientology.

This is what the fuck it is. I looked at it more like just like human beings. And this is what happens when somebody is allowed to slide into the Jesus position. Mohammed, whatever you want to call it, when they slide in there, who's the Jewish guy? Who's that? Who's that Jesus? Some guy named, I can't, that's too hacky. Some guy named Murray Abraham. Is that that guy?

I don't fucking know. I have no idea. They all sound the same to me. There was nothing, nothing was going on. And then this guy showed up. He did a bunch of great shit. And now he's the guy. Give us your money.

Is it okay if she blows me? Anyways, plowing ahead here. You should definitely highly recommend that you check that out. And I don't know, I felt bad for Tom Cruise. They made him look like a sucker. You know what I mean? Especially, you know, anytime, you know, you slow down the video and you put weirdo music in there. You're going to make somebody look bad.

And I don't know the fuck. I mean, when I sit there and I think of the shit that I bought into. Going into a goddamn booth and telling some fucking weirdo all the bad things I did that week. What is that all about? Huh? Bless me, Father, if I have sinned, there's been seven days since my last fucking confession. I jerked off. I beat up my brother.

I fucking stole. It's just like, and this guy's just sitting in there. What the fuck are you doing in there, you weirdo? Listen, it's all this shit. I got to go there and confess to you, you cunt. Why can't I just go right, go direct route? Why do I got to connect in fucking Dallas talking to you? Why can't I just fucking go straight there?

No direct flight to God there, buddy. What are you doing in there? What's going on the other side of the wall there? What are you doing, you weirdo? Are you filming this shit in case I want to run for office someday or fucking call you out for banging a kid? Are you just weird footage on me? I don't know. All of it is fucking weird.

I think everybody should just walk away from all of it. That would be my suggestion. You don't have to, but if it works for you, fine. Unless you become a cunt. Jesus, but why do you try to make points? Why? Do they never go anywhere? Do they go anywhere?

I don't think they do. So anyways, what did I do this week? Jesus, am I running out of shit to say already? It's already 15 minutes in. I think I got to fucking read some ads just to keep it going. So I told you guys, my truck, I don't know. I cooked the valves on it, man. I fucking so pissed at myself.

So they're rebuilding the whole thing. The whole engine, brand new. I can use unleaded gas that won't fuck the thing up. And it should be done sometime this week. I'm actually adding air conditioning and I'm getting the power steering. And that's just going to be my fucking daily driver. And I kept the three on the tree because it was just too fucking cool. This guy was building.

It's going like, dude, we can fucking get this thing cruising at about 100 miles an hour. I was just like, I don't want to do that. It's too fucking cool to shift it on the column. I think it's too fucking cool to get rid of that. So basically, I'm going to have a badass fucking truck here in a couple of days, which would be nice because then maybe I could fucking throw Cleo in there. I could go down the street and I could maybe put something in the refrigerator or maybe I could eat something.

Oh, let me take my wife. I got a wife. She doesn't stock the refrigerator. Why? Just the other day. Anyways, let's read a little bit of advertising for the week. I swear to God, I know I must have saw something. You know what?

I just had a fucking tremendous week. I don't know what to tell you. I enjoyed myself all week. I did the benefit for Verzi's brother-in-law and I actually had a great time up there at Leavity Live, which is a fucking unbelievable comedy club, by the way. I had always heard that it was one of the best in the country and it definitely lived up to it. And I'm trying to figure out a way where I can get back there at some point. Terry Town played the Terry Town Music Hall, which was the last second gig.

And it was fun, man. I'm back. You know, we got the cartoons all recorded. We got all the records are done. And now they're drawing the shit and we just, I don't know, my schedule's totally opened up now and I can get back to being a stand-up comic and I can't fucking wait. I can't wait for the Southern tour. And old Billy fucking cigar face still has not had a cigar.

All right. I'm coming up on like five weeks. Remember when I told you guys I was going to be that guy who smoked a cigar once a week? That's what I was trying to do. I was trying to cut down my cigar smoking to a mere 52 cigars a year, which is still way too much. So after fucking January and February, I was already up to 12 cigars, eight weeks, 12 cigars. I'm off the fucking rails already. So I didn't smoke anything in March.

We're already up to the 12th week. So now I feel like I'm even, but I told Verzi and those guys that I wasn't going to smoke until the bus tour. And then I was going to smoke, but I got to be honest with you. I might not even smoke on that one. I might just wait till my birthday because I figured my birthday's in June and then what if I'm still on 12 cigars. Now I'm down to like two a month, which seems way more fucking acceptable than, I don't know. I had my fun with it. If it didn't give you a mouth throat and fucking God knows what else, other kind of tongue cancer, I would probably smoke for a week.

That's how much I enjoy it, but I just, I don't know. I don't know. I've seen Leonard Nimoy die and saying he regretted smoking and he was like 83, 84, 85 years old and you're still thinking, fuck. If I didn't do that, you know what people, young people, you look at, you look at 83, dude, I'd be fucking happy with 80. Yeah, until you're fucking 80 and you're staring death in the face and you're like, fuck, you know? I wish I just drank waters and fucking was a vegetarian or whatever the fuck you're thinking. So the fact that he was still thinking, he would think if you smoked and you still made it to 83, 84, 85, whatever the fuck it was, 83, 84, 85. You'd be like, yeah, whatever, I had a good run.

That's what you think until you're that person laying in the bed, right, wearing that smock with your ass hanging out of it. And you're like, wow, this is it. This is it. I'm not going to get to watch any more hoop, any more hockey. I'm not going to get to walk down the street, listen to the birds chirping. This is fucking it. It's over. And it's over sooner than it should have been because I fucking can't get it out of my head.

So I don't know. I think I'm done. No, who's kidding who? I'm not done. But I mean, I am, I don't know. I don't want to pick it back up again because I, you know what the fuck happens, right? You're trying to eat right just like I was. I go to New York and I have one slice of pizza and all of a sudden I'm eating like some fucking fat guy on prom night who didn't have a date.

It was pathetic. I'm ashamed of myself. You guys want to have me fat shame myself? Go walk into the bathroom mirror. Huh? You want to hear this? I'm going to do it right now. I'm going to show you what fat shaming is all about.

Right here. This is one of this. Right? All right. Let's see it, Bill. Let's see the tears. Look at that. You're a piece of shit.

No, I'm a lot of you. Oh, real. Dude, I got to stop. You know what I just realized? I have to stop because my neighbors will think I'm not going to stop. Because my neighbors will think I'm actually yelling at my wife. So that's it. Fortunately, I got my pull up by my dip station out in the garage.

I'll do that. Ugh. My body literally just reacted when I said that. You know what? I want my pizza. See that? I got the grease in me right now. I got the crack.

I'm on the crack right now. That's what I did in a food way. You know? I was craving salads. I was craving fucking healthy food. One slice of pizza and a couple of fucking beer. You know what? We went off the rails.

It was right after we skated. Right? You know, fucking exhausted, totally wiped out and we were going to, we were going to, I'm sorry, we were going to the Rangers Kings game that night. So we went to a bar and ordered an appetizer and I ordered this fucking beer. There's nothing better after you played hockey and you really feel like you earned the fact that you could actually sit down and have a beer because you burned so many calories. And easily the best beer I've had in like six months was fucking delicious.

And I remember sitting there and I was eating shit already that wasn't healthy. And this switch just went like in my body. I literally felt it like, oh, are we doing this? Huh? Is it like, you know, it was like substitute teacher. Like is the douche gone now? We can go back to boozing and eating greasy fucking food. I bought ice cream this week.

I haven't had fucking ice cream. I can't remember the last time I even fucking had ice cream. Stupid ass fucking New York walking home hammered, stumble into a deli. Oh, we got bacon, egg and cheese at a roll. How you doing? I ain't fucking next thing you know, I got that. I bought Fritos and then I bought a pint of fucking cookies and cream ice cream. Right?

What am I? Am I period? I can go back to the thing, wolf it down. I went easy on the ice cream, but I just was fucking over sitting there, eating like I'm in fucking seventh grade in cafeteria. All right, let's, um, let's get on with the, oh, by the way, somebody gave me something when, uh, when I was playing hockey one day. I've never heard of this.

It's called junk bomb bomb like, like a roll on and it's literally deodorant for your balls. Is that not the funniest fucking thing ever? And the guy's giving it to me and he's going, what, you know, he's like, if you know, if you played hockey, you don't have time to take a shower. You just put this on your balls. Like what the fuck are you serious? I swear to God, this is a real thing.

So I'm laughing and I'm like, well, shit, if you got sherry's berries, you know, if we got fucking one wipe charlie's, how do you not have junk? I mean, I got to have junk bomb on the podcast. If any of those guys are listening, it would fit right in. Hey guys, don't have time to take a shower. Jesus, dude, if you don't, if you're fucking balls are smelling to the point that you smell them, I mean, Jesus, and you don't have fucking time to take a shower. Yeah, I got to make time.

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the emails last week. They're great socks. They had no problem with the read, but they asked that you relay my experience if you're not going to try them. Well, where the fuck is it? I'll wear them. You know what? You know what?

Send me a fucking pair. I'll wear the fucking things. This is what my life is. I am a sock tester, 20-something years in comedy, you know? You think people will respect me for my chocks? They just want to use my feet. Anyways, we're out with 29 minutes in. I'll tell you a couple more bullshit stories, then we'll get into the questions for the

week. Wouldn't that be nice? Wouldn't that be a nice thing? What's going on in the world? What about that fucking jerk-off that flies the fucking plane into the Alps? I mean, are you depressed to that fucking level? That's one of the worst goddamn things. Why the fuck would I bring that up?

You know what I mean? Fuck that one. There was a couple of aviation things this week, you know? Up in Canada, they came in too fucking low, I guess, and they didn't really hit some sort of tower or some shit. Jesus Christ. I fly all the fucking time, man. That shit is absolutely terrifying.

I just can't imagine what kind of level of fucking depression you have. I get it, you know? It's bad enough you'd go out and you'd harm yourself. You'd never want to see that, but you go and you take out all those other goddamn people, man. It's just the worst fucking story ever. You know what? And there's absolutely no comedy in it.

And now here we sit, and I'll tell you what, there was no comedy in it. Oh, here's a segue. Somebody sent me this picture. This is the saddest fucking pictures I've ever seen. It was of a seal that was born like a redhead, and the entire seal community just rejected this seal. And they take this fucking picture of this seal, and it's all by itself, and looking way off in the distance, or all the other seals that it just wants to hang out and play

with, you know, and learn how to fucking fish and not get eaten by a shark or whatever. And they just totally leave it alone. It's unbelievable. This is just like we're fucking animals. Same thing. Same fucking treatment I got on the goddamn playground. It's happened into a fucking seal. I saw that seal, and you know what kills me?

It's the people that like take pictures of it and don't interfere in nature. It's like, would it kill you to take that thing home with you? Just get one of those above ground pools. You know, let the fucking thing hang out a couple times a year. It comes in for the Super Bowl, you know, come up on the couch there, redheaded seal. I feel your pain. I have empathy. Who do you got?

Don't fucking say Seattle. You're going to be back outside for the saddest fucking pictures I've ever seen. I can't get it out of my head. It just it fucking killed me. Fucking killed me. It's unreal. It's unreal the human things that I can laugh at, but you show me a fucking sad animal and it crushes me.

It's why I stopped watching the Discovery Channel like a decade ago. I don't watch any fucking nature shows because I know how it's going to start. It's going to start with me being all wide eyed and excited and enjoying the program. And then there's the inevitable and then man came and fucked everything up. I'll tell you right now, if you work for a fucking corporation, I mean, can you can you slowly work your way out and not working for one? Is it even possible? I was watching.

Did you guys see that clip? I retweeted it. Me of, you know, they're doing that fracking out in Nebraska, horizontal drill and whatever the fuck it is and however they go about it, people are claiming that it that it pollutes the fucking drinking water. So this farmer comes in, he talks about all the great drinking water that they have in Nebraska and then he pours in the goop. He's sitting there at this town meeting and he's allowed to talk.

So he asked these cunts that work for the fracking company said, Hey, would you, would you drink this water? I just want you to ask me that. Would you drink this water? And then the fucking chairman of the board goes, you're not allowed to ask them questions. All you're allowed to do is come up and make comments. It's like, well, then what the fuck are we doing here? Is this, you're supposed to let me just say what I have to say and then I run along and

then you fucking let these guys destroy the drinking water in this state because you don't make any fucking money as a politician. Unfuck it's a, it's a, I don't know. I watched that thing and I got to commend that, that, that Nebraska guy for fucking not flipping out. Oh, you know, I'm just allowed to make comments where here's my comment, at least go and dump it over their fucking heads. What kind of fucking people are involved in a goddamn business like that that ends up

polluting the fucking drinking water and you're so thinking about all you give a fuck is your next quarter profits. Like where is that all going to go? Like where, where does, what's the end game in that? You just keep having a more profitable thing than there's no more clean drinking water. And then what? You've made enough money to have the machine to fucking have, make sure you have clean drinking water and everybody else fucking dies and you somehow justify it.

Is you lie in your giant fucking bed? Oh, I'm on a raid here. It's so fucking depressing. I mean, that's why I sit around, I watch sports, I watch people build cars. Those are like the two fucking areas that I can kind of stay in where I can kind of, I don't know. Nobody says anything racist. Nobody pollutes drinking water and there's not a redheaded seal who just wants to be part

of the fucking group. Just sitting there looking all sad. The thing was a fucking baby, she had a baby man and they just, you know, I'd fuck seals. You know what? Fuck all those fucking seals. I'm glad they get eaten by those goddamn sharks. I used to give a shit about seals. Now that I know that they're fucking racist, bunch of cunts.

You know what it is too? I bet there was some seals down there that didn't give a fuck. They just went along with the group and sat there silently, right, is the one bully seal. Jesus, Bill, is this about the seals or your fucking childhood? All right, all right, let's get to the, let's get to the goddamn questions for the week. That always kills me when they do. They can do that. Just don't interfere with nature.

And you're just going to sit there and look at that sad shit. All right, if you, by the way, if you want to follow us on Twitter here, the podcast Twitter handle is at the M.M. podcast and the, and the podcast email is bill at the M.M. podcast.com. Once again, that number is bill at the M.M. podcast.com. All right, that's if you want to send an email.

You know what I just realized, too, is my internet sucks in this house. I don't have a car right now. I got my crazy pit bull so I can't even drive down to the local fucking coffee shop to use their internet to upload this fucking thing. So hopefully what the fuck are you going to do? What if it's fucking late? It's late. What am I going to do?

All right. Oh, by the way, I got a big guest this week. Oh, let me tell you got a big guest for the Thursday. Just checking in with your fucking podcast, whatever the hell I'm calling it, but it's actually going to go down on Friday, but you'll be happy. You will be happy when you hear the guest. I got a big guest. He is the star of my favorite new show.

You know what the show is, huh? Post-apocalyptic show, former SNL cast member, action hero. You know who he is. He's going to be on this Friday. All right. Here we go. That's called a teaser. Um, warehouse listeners, Bill, I'm 19 and I work in

a warehouse part time. Oh my God, the most fun job you'll ever fucking have. I was 19 when I worked in a warehouse and I worked there part times. Fucking greatest. He said, I've introduced your podcast to the guys there. And we listened to it regularly. You've come full circle. Oh, was that?

Oh, that was just the thing. Well, that's cool. What are you guys been doing, huh? Fucking off there in the warehouse and all of a sudden somebody with a tie comes on, he's like, who's that? You start acting like you're fucking moving boxes around. I really miss that fucking job. You know, the way I travel, you know, back in the day when I worked in a

warehouse, my commute to work was a little over a mile. Like we lived in like the last neighborhood before there was this industrial park. Like if I rode a bike's bicycle to work, it probably took me 15 minutes. And there was weeks where I would put like, you know, I'd go to work and then I would drive home and then I would work out, listen to appetite for destruction. I'd lift weights throughout that whole fucking album. And then I'd jump on a bike by my bicycle and I do like a fucking 10 mile bike ride. And then by then, you know, it was like seven o'clock or so.

And the Bruins of Celtics or wherever had a game and I was in for the night and I would do that right up until Friday. So Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. I probably put like 12 miles on my truck. I had this 83 Ford Ranger that I bought. I remember we had 19,317 miles. And I remember I owned that fucking thing for forever. I drove that truck for fucking 10 years.

Even after it started rusting out from all the New England winters. But I remember like I put on so few, few miles until I became a comedian. And then it went through the roof. And then I remember the engine shit the bed. And that was a critical moment in my life. I had a day job and everyone was saying I should go out and go buy a new car. And I just kept thinking that if I buy a new car, then I got payments. Then I need to have a job.

So I said, fuck it. And I just had to put a new engine in it. I told you this story. Remember that girl, that woman at work was like, that was stupid. That was stupid. Really? I don't have a fucking car payment. Hey, guess what?

I'm quitting my day job to move to New York City. See you. You know, have fun with your Altima. Anyway, sorry. All right, fat shaming, counter argument. All right, dear Billy Ginger balls. This guy's going to counter fat shaming by fucking trashing me. OK, he sounds like an open guy.

All right, I love your podcast and I listen each week. I'm a chubby guy who's working hard to lose some of my ex ex weight. I'm down from 240 to 215. There you go. Woo. Dude, that's a big change. 240 to 215. That is fucking.

Come on, Bill, do the math. That's 25 pounds. It's 125 miles of capillaries out the fucking window. However, I would argue that despite the name you've given to your discussions, you aren't fat shaming anyone. And that's a good thing. You are more of a coach than a true fat shamer. Dude, I know what I'm doing.

I'm not going to depress you. I'm going to get you in that mindset, you know, you're better than that. When you were a kid, you laid in that crib. You did not dream of having mantis. I know how to do it. I know how to give you shit while I fucking uplift you. A fat shamer is a person who looks at an overweight person and says, you're worthless.

You are a failed person and you can't do anything to fix yourself. Who the fuck says that? You sound like that dude in that drumming movie. You fucking piece of shit. That's why I couldn't I couldn't get into whiplash. After like the first 20 minutes of that guy getting screamed at, the fact that he didn't have the self esteem to get up and walk out it's just like, all right, no, I don't give a fuck.

It was like gone girl, you know, if you haven't seen it yet, block your ears for the next fucking 15 seconds. OK, I'm going to talk about it in three, two, one. The fact that after he found out what the fuck she did and then she comes back and then Tyler Perry is like, you motherfuckers are crazy and walks out and like he stays with her at that point. It's like, you know, I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit if she fucking kills the Ben Affleck character

right now, because that Ben Affleck character does not seem to give a fuck. That's how I felt with like whiplash. It's like, all right, you know, if you don't have to get yelled at to play drums, well, but if you feel that you do and you want to sit there, then then you're a fucking jackass. See, that's what I do. I'm empowering you. Huh, to get off the couch and you know, you get off the couch.

You don't just don't get off the couch. You got to lift your fucking legs, do a little rolly back into the couch. Yeah, we go. Right? That should be your next goal. We when you get up off the couch, you just get up off the couch. That's a milestone. That's a marker right there. Well, you don't have to do the onesie to see and then fucking get all the way up.

Literally sounding like you're doing a squat like that last one of the set. When you get up off the couch, waking the baby, scaring the family dog. You can't be like that. He said, anyways, to me, you're a coach who says you're healthy. You can fix this, but it won't be easy, but it's worth it. Absolutely. That's a fucking loot. I really think that so much of staying in shape is, um, is being conscious

of craving something that you know is going to make you feel like shit afterwards and hate yourself in the morning when your belly sticking out even more like last night, I'm coming home from the airport and I am on the crack. All right, pizza, ice cream, potato chips, beer, whiskey, the whole fucking week. And I'm coming home. What do you think I'm craving? You think I'm craving a fucking salad? No.

What is the thing I need the most of fucking giant salad that will go into me? It'll be nutrition with a bunch of fucking cancerous poison on every leaf that I try to rinse off, but I'm doing the best I can. You know, whatever it, but what we'll do, it will level me off chemically. And I don't even have a fucking science background, but I know it's going to, it's like, you know, it's like you're in a ship that's rocking. You're getting into, to, to, to stable water, calm seas. And you can make an intelligent choice.

All right. So last night, what I should have done is I knew it. I was saying you should order a fire. I literally have heartburn. I should go, you should order a fucking salad. That's what you should do. And I was conscious enough to think that and I still went inside and I went and I made myself waffles with fucking butter and syrup and all that.

And, you know, this morning I wake up and, you know, because I ate that last night, I'm looking at oatmeal and then I'm looking at cinnamon life. And what do I do? More heroin, more heroin. And I go with that. So, um, I'm, I'm, but at least I'm aware of it. So right now I have to like critically right now, like what I decide to eat right now for lunch can literally inform the next three months of decisions.

If, if I'm not careful and I can put on 10 to 15 pounds, just because last night I didn't order a fucking salad and then where are you? Then you fucking back at the gym because you, not cause you want to be, because you have to be, and you got that big fucking lump of shit. You got to, you got to take off from your middle, like you eat your way in and you eat your way out of the gym. So I have to today make a fucking smart choice. Um, and I got to get, I got to get back on the stick.

So, uh, congratulations to you going from 240 down to 215, whatever you're doing. Um, hope it works. And I hope you're reading up on nutrition. I hope you're not doing one of those fad diets, you know, any of those beach diets or any of those, you know, I'm cutting out carbs. I'm never having bread again. You know, that type of shit. Cause you know, eventually one day you're just going to sit down

with an entire, you can have one loaf of bread in one hand and a stick of butter on the other with some ice cream waiting in the fridge. If you fucking do that to yourself, um, I don't know, I've actually, I've actually thought about just writing down like, cause everybody, oh, this is my cheat day. You know, like your cheat day can literally, like that'd be like a drug addict, like, all right, I'm not going to do drugs, but on Sunday, I'm going to do heroin.

And then the next day it's right back to clean living. Um, like your cheat day can literally throw you off chemically to the point. The next day you're eating fucking waffles like an asshole. Um, but maybe if you write it down, you know, that this is what you're going to have, and then you write a short paragraph, hey, you know, hey, cut face, listen, why don't you eat this for breakfast rather than fucking up for the next three weeks and putting on 20 pounds. You know, once you, this thing too, when you order something healthy,

two, three bites into it, like this calm comes over you, like, ah, like nutrition, you know what I mean? I read this great thing one time, why you can eat so much Chinese food or why you can eat a whole fucking bag of Doritos, even though you've eaten enough to be full, but your body is still craving nutrition and there's not an ounce of nutrition in that shit. So despite the fact that you took a whole fucking bag of it and threw it down your goddamn pie hole, your body's immediately, it's still craving,

craving nutrients, vitamins or whatever the fuck it is, whatever the proper terminology is for it, which is also why, if you eat actually, you know, fruits and vegetables, you get, you get full. Oh, it's, you know, I gotta, I have to make sure I eat well. I really do. This isn't even about you guys, it's fucking about me. I'm being selfish right now. Let's get back to more, let's get back to more fucking emails here for the week.

Naming food places. All right. Hey, Bill, you recently asked about places to eat as your tour of the great lower half of this country is about to begin. I've been a long time. Listen, and I get your no name policy when it comes to telling stories that may be incriminating or name dropping, but you said you didn't want to say the names of the restaurants out of fear that it would ruin the place

by creating some type of mom seed and the food will go downhill and it'll get franchised or something. Bill, come on now. You're basically repaying them for their hard work, possibly generations of hard work by walking out, by walking out and disavowing all knowledge of the place, the way the US government handled Vietnam, Jesus, or more specifically, John Rambo and Rambo too. On behalf of all these establishments, I'd like to thank you for being, uh, for

helping protect them from increased revenue and supporting a health healthy sense of pride in a life's work. Also, I'd like to thank you on behalf of people like myself who occasionally travel, who would much rather just walk around and play guessing games about where to eat. It's much more fun playing. Will this suck roulette? We'd, we'd much rather trust Yelp reviews that are probably real people and

not paid reviewers or family members hyping some shit establishment circa 2011, a real man of the people, this Bill Burr, get him a key to all the cities, sci fi, Billy Skywalker. You know what, dude? You had me until you fucking glorified all the cunts on Yelp. Yelp, I swear to God is like, if you want to see what happens to somebody when they get their own TV show and how most people's egos go through the fucking roof, all you have to do was just looking at, look at the common man on Yelp.

Well, everything was good, but I didn't like the sugar packets. These fucking animals, have you seen the average jerk off that walks down the fucking street, breathing through their mouth, wearing socks and fucking flip flops? Those fucking assholes who obviously have no power in their life, they go on Yelp and their fucking ego goes off the fucking rails. Here's something, what do you think happened back in the day when people went to town before Yelp? And I don't mean the 1950s, I'm talking about the fucking 1980s, the 1990s.

You know what, you struck up a conversation with the locals. You said, hey, I'm in town, I'm having a really good time. I'd like to get some food, you know, of a good place. There's nothing a local wants to do more than to point you to the place that is the shit in their town. And you go in there and you sit down and you have a fucking unbelievable meal. And then you go back and you tell your friends, hey, if you ever go there, you got to go to this spot.

The fact that it has to blow up like some fucking boy band. And now nobody can get a goddamn seat in there. Give me a fucking break. I stand by what I'm doing. And you know why? I get applause when I say that. I went to a country recently, I said, this place is so fucking beautiful that when I go back to my country, I'm not going to talk about it.

So, you know, I'll keep your secret. You know what they all did? They, I got a follow, I got borderline standing ovation. All right. Everything doesn't need to blow up. All right. I don't need to turn every fucking restaurant into fucking Kim Kardashian's greased up ass on the, yo, it broke the internet.

Dumbest fucking thing ever broke the internet. And then every fucking douche that's out there taking selfies has to somehow squeeze broke the internet into their fucking conversation. I fucking hate that. I hate internet terminology. I hate the joke structure, you know, the said no one ever or the, uh, you know, now it's like you have like a picture and you're like, that look on your face. When your boss says you don't have to come in Friday, that fucking, you know,

insert picture here. So you don't even have to be like a joke writer. So do with all due respect with your waving of the fucking American flag. All right. Here's the deal. If you'd get in the fucking job done, all right, if you get in the fucking job done and everybody in the local town knows you the shit, you're going to stay in business. You don't need me to fucking hype you thing and then ruin it like the food

network does and speaking of which too, that fucking guy there with his bleach blonde hair and his sunburn face, Guy Fieri driving all around. I'm telling you that fucking guy, I've gone to some of the places he's, they hit a miss, they hit a miss. That guy's been on the air for like 10 years. He's out of places to go to not to mention. He never goes to drive ins. He occasionally goes into diners.

He never goes into a dive. They're basically diners, but he needed the magic of three. Um, anyways, so no, I'm not doing that. Okay. If you know how to make a fucking brisket, the goddamn word is going to be out. All right. The word's going to get out. You don't need me to do it and ruin, ruin the fucking place.

Jesus Christ. Yelp. What kind of a fucking moron goes on to Yelp? And just takes all these fucking people. You have no idea what their fucking access to grind. I think that there's like a certain level of cunt that you have to be to even post a review on Yelp. Not to mention, there's so many cunts on Yelp that this restaurant

stuff sat in and I said, Hey, I really enjoyed that. That was delicious. And they go, thank you. Can you please go on Yelp and write a good review? Cause there's just so many people. No, you know, I'm really such an expert in cooking. I have a little bit of power now and I'm going to fucking furrow my brow. Have you noticed that shit?

All you need to know about Yelp is just look at actual critics that get paid to be critics. When was the last time you saw him review any fucking movie, any fucking movie at all? And wire to wire, they said that they enjoyed it. They never do. They always have to be cunty. They always have to pick out something that they didn't fucking like. All right. And then what else?

Then you'll see the worst fucking movie ever and they have quotes going outrageous, hilarious, a laugh riot. And all that is, is critics that want to get paid. So they got to get their name out there. So then they'll fucking lie to you and say that some piece of shit is actually good. So fuck you, fuck Yelp and fuck Rambo too. All right. I'm not, I'm not out in those places.

All right. There we go. I don't know about fuck Rambo too. Okay. Check out Dark City. Oh, hey, Billy Sci-Fi. Billy Skywalker. All right.

I thought that was somebody signing that. What the fuck is with all these guys? Oh, Jesus. See, see, here we go. It's starting. It's starting. Oh, shit. Did you see my email?

Did you check out the hotel options? Sci-Fi, Billy Skywalker. Check out Dark City. Oh, I asked last week, you know, I really enjoyed Moon with Sam Rockwell. And I didn't realize the director was David Bowie's son, which of course I don't have his fucking name here right now. I'm the worst. So I said, what are some other Sci-Fi movies?

I'd love to check them out. And somebody says, Billy Skywalker, check out Dark City. It's not action packed, but like Moon, you got to see it. It's shot beautifully and tense as fuck. It's on HBO right now. Don't delay. Also, if you haven't seen Blade Runner recently,

give it a rewatch. Your fellow pilot, Harrison Ford, delivers a really underrated performance. Make sure you watch the director's cut. It's the only way it'll make sense. Oh, wow. I got to fucking, I got to check that out. Oh, my God.

What is this? This seems like a disaster waiting to happen. Listen to this one. Kitten for Cleo. Bill, have you ever thought of getting a kitten to help calm Cleo down? I can't imagine Cleo having a problem with it. Oh, I can.

Oh, I can't. I imagine it'd be possible for Cleo to eventually become protective of the kitten, which would could turn into making things worse. So why would I do that? I'll let you do the research, but if you had to imagine how it played out, what do you think would happen?

I think my dog would eat the cat. I think she would view it as a threat because she's possessive, and I think I would come home and the dog would be wagging its tail with fur around its mouth and blood on its chin. And I would find maybe, or kitten, it'd probably be swallowed whole,

but they might be a fucking paw in my kitchen or something else horrific that I'd have to try and block out. I remember when they taught that gorilla how to do sign language, they got that thing a pet cat. I don't know. A kitten.

I'm not a big fan of cats. I totally respect them, how they live their lives and their anti-authority in the same way you couldn't put me on a leash. You can't put them on a leash, although I know a few people have done it, but what I'm just saying generally speaking. The only thing I like about cats,

I like watching them sleep in the sun reminds me to take an old man nap every day. And then I also like how easy it is to discipline them. All you do is just give them a nice little smack on that little fucking nose, and then they get it. All you have to do is just have the spray water bottle, right? And they're still gonna go up in the couch,

but it's just fun to fucking shoot something that doesn't die, and you get to feel that cool feeling of shooting something. You know, I don't know. Is that evil? Well, go fuck yourself. What do you want from me? All right. Let me read the last little bit of advertisers.

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at LegalZoom.com. Enter BRR in the referral box to save even more. LegalZoom.com promo code BRR, legal help is here. All right, there you go. Well, that is your podcast for this week. What can I say? The Bruins fighting for their playoff lives. I was just talking to a Montreal fan right before this podcast.

I was doing an interview because I got a couple of shows coming up this summer in Montreal that will be announced this Wednesday, by the way. This Wednesday. Oh, by the way, I'll let you know what I got coming up. Okay, I have a gig and let's go to billbird.com, everybody. Billbird.com. If you want to fucking pay back this podcast,

but not spend a dime, just go to billbird.com. Click on the podcast page and click on Amazon. Then you go to Amazon and if you buy something, they give me a little kickback for driving traffic over there. That's it. That's all you got to do. It doesn't cost you any extra money. They kick me a little dough.

Everything's good. Everything's copacetic. Is that the right word? I don't know. All right, here's the deal. I'm doing two shows, April 10th, at the Fillmore in Miami Beach at the Jackie Gleason Theater. Jackie Gleason Theater.

You know what? This time, I'm actually going to go up there and I'm going to take a look at the, I'm going to take a look at the Jackie Gleason, I guess they have his office. You know, they still kept it the same. I missed that last time. April 11th, I'm at Ruth Eckerd Hall in Tampa

for two shows, April 18th, that's when the, April 18th, that's when the Southern tour starts. We're in Savannah, Georgia, Knoxville, Tennessee, Chattanooga, Tennessee, Memphis, Tennessee, Shreveport, Louisiana, and then we're in New Orleans. And then after New Orleans, do you know what it means to miss New Orleans? That's where my baby goes.

Then we picked the tour back up on April 26th and we do Huntsville, Alabama, Jackson, Mississippi, Mobile, Alabama, Lexington, Kentucky, and then we're in Evansville, Indiana, and then we go to the fucking Kentucky Derby. Then next, I'm doing the Wilbur Run in Boston from, what is it, May 9th to, I don't even know what day we're up to at this point.

We're doing like 17 shows at this point. Jesus Cleo, just fucking scratching over there. June 26th and June 27th, I am at the Mirage Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada. All right, anybody out there in Vegas? I'm going to be out there and then whatever. We're going to have some more shows coming up. I guess I'm going to have to post that one for Montreal

that I'm doing during the Montreal Comedy Festival. I'll be up there. And the rumor is the goddamn comedy jam is going to be coming up there. So you guys in Montreal might just might be able to see me sit in a couple of times, dressed as my favorite drummers from the past, the future, and today I'm going to try to do that show

as many times as I can, play as many songs as I can. It's one of my favorite things to do. Josh Adam Mayer's show is going to be at the Montreal Comedy Festival. And I probably shouldn't have said that. That's a little bit of inside information. Also, please visit the All Things Comedy Network, allthingscomedy.com to check out the biggest

and brightest and bestest podcast stars. Is that the word that I'm supposed to say? Anyways, go to allthingscomedy.com and just check out all these awesome podcasts we got here. I try to hike different ones every week. Doug Stan, hope we have. We got Yamams, Box, Ari Shiffy, the Burkast, Tom Papa, the Farley Brothers,

we got everybody here. Come on, man. Tom Rhodes Radio, Writers Block. Writing so fucking small, I can't even read it here. What is this one? Oh, come on. I click on things that doesn't work. Oh, we got Deep Shit with Baron Vaughn.

Another great podcast. Just check out all those, man. You can just scroll through. We got everything. We got stuff for the men, the women, and the ladies. I guess the men and the ladies. All right. That's the podcast for this week.

I got a big guest this week for the Thursday podcast. He's such a big guest that I'm actually waiting to do the third Thursday podcast on Friday. Friday. Uploaded before, say. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week. Thank you so much for listening. Go fuck yourselves, and I will talk to you next,

I guess Friday. I'll talk to you on Friday. All right. That's it. See you.