Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-4-13

Episode Date: March 4, 2013

Bill rambles about the Bruins/Habs, guys who put stuff in storage, and slapping babies.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, March 4th, 2013. How you doing? How's it going? You like this? Is it up early? I hope it is because I'm recording it on Sunday night, right after watching the Bruins lose to the Canadians. Let's get that out of the way. Congratulations, Canadians. You guys, Canadian fans, you guys deserved to win the game. Fucking Bruins. Jesus Christ. You had the game and you blew it. Oh my God, they played, they just fucking morons. They played like they just fucking played right into the Canadians hands. We were up three to two. For all of you who don't watch hockey, we were up three to two and even though it was three to two, we were carrying the play and we had commanded the game and then the Canadians

started getting chippy. We fell right into it. Fell right. I got a good idea. Char, take a fucking game misconduct. There you go. That'll help the effort. I gotta admit, with nine minutes left, I shut it off. Once it was four to three, I just shut the fucking thing off. I was like, it's, it's, you gotta understand with the Bruins, when Char is not on the ice, it's like we pulled half our goaltender. That's how important he is. He plays half the fucking game. Yeah, it was just the worst. Some fucking, who gives a fuck player cross-check Sagan at the ice? All right, whatever. You know, you don't like to see it, but you fucking go at, you got, you take your head, can they take the helmet off? What if they take the helmet off and then they start

throwing punches at that point? Do you still get the game misconduct? I just don't understand how, I just don't understand why you would do that. Why would do, you just basically gave them a 20 minute power play in the fucking third period for the simple fact that one of the best defensemen in the league and the best guy we have, and all the icy eats up, but he's not even going to be out there. Very stupid, very stupid. The Canadians are a much better team than they were last year. It was a great game. The Canadians didn't play the traps. It was fucking awesome hockey. And I was surprised with the amount of fucking Canadian fans giving me shit on Twitter, who don't even know what the fucking trap is. I thought you guys came out of the womb with skates

on. You know, go on YouTube. They'll show you what the fucking is. I don't know why they stopped playing, they didn't play it when they played the penguins either. That was seven to six. It was a fucking awesome game. Up and down the ice they went. That's what I like. You know, you know, it's the one sports fan that I can't stand is the fucking person who complains about some shit. And then when his team does it, he goes, what? I don't give a shit. You know, that's like what the Canadian fans are doing with the fucking trap. Like they weren't crying, was he with boredom when they watched the devils trap their way to fucking three cups. Were those not the more other than Stevens was a great player to watch. But other than,

I know a lot of people think he's dirty or whatever, but I love that guy. But other than that, I mean, Jesus Christ, I mean, it was like, I mean, it was almost the end. It was literally almost the end of the sport. The whole fucking game, one team would skate to about mid ice. They dumped the puck in and the goal tenor could skate over to the corner. They're trying to wrap it around the boards. The goalie could come over and stop it in the corner. And then the defense would bring it up the fucking ice. Oh my God, God forbid the other team was playing it too. And then they'd fucking try to dump and chase. They called it. It was, it was almost the end of the league. Fucking NHL for some reason. NBA is smart enough to be like, all right, guys are too big. They're

too fast. At the end of the day, this sport is supposed to entertain fans. And I don't watch enough hoop, but I know that there's illegal defenses in hoop for the fucking life of me. I don't understand why the NHL just goes, Hey, listen, guys, stop playing that shit. All right, just fucking play the way they used to play, you know, let's, let's have some nice rushes and that type of shit going up and down the ice, a couple of fights or whatever. And let's get the fuck out of here. Is that too hard? Is that too hard? Are you really going to fucking go up one goal and then sit back on your own fucking blue line? I don't know. I don't fucking know. But I'm really, really disappointed in the Bruins for playing just right into their fucking hands

sitting there like an old man screaming at the TV. No, don't do that. Get back to the bench. What are you doing? Why would you do that? I think last time I saw Charifite, I think I believe last time I watched it was in Buffalo, and he was just in the box for five fucking minutes. And we immediately became like a, like, you know, we look like a 500 team. It's not as bad now because we got, we got some other guys back there on defense, but Jesus fucking Christ. So I gotta be honest with you, I don't know what to take away from that game because I can't really say that we saw the Canadians because price wasn't a net. And you know, and then Char takes that stupid fucking penalty. So he didn't play a

third of the game. I don't know. I still think we're a better team. So I feel good. And I look at Montreal and they look like a second round of the playoffs going to get bounced out, which will make me happy. Then that'll be 22 seasons, 21 years without a cup. And just with every year, they look more and more like Matthew McConaughey and dazed and confused, like it's fucking over and they don't realize it yet. You know, I mean, Jesus fucking Christ. They still walk around arrogantly. Canadian fans do like living off of light. You know what they're like at this point? They're like trust fund kids. You know, like their grandfather made all the money. And now they're riding around this Maserati that like interest paid for. And they're looking at you

like there's some sort of success. And you're looking like, dude, you haven't done shit. You haven't done shit in your life. What are you puffing your chest out for? You know, wearing your high school jacket with all your grandfather's accomplishments written up and down the fucking sleeves. Do you remember that championship they won back in 1958? You don't, you cunt. Seriously. You know, I'll take shift from Canadian fans that are like my age, because I don't know that they remember the Patrick Gua championships, but these punks in their 20s, right up to the early 30s, you guys can all go fuck yourselves because I know you don't remember anything. Even last time the Canadians won it, you were upstairs and you lit jam jams, you know, getting

ready to have some dreams. So go fuck yourselves. All right, with your most overrated run of championships. Oh, let's start an argument here. I'll ask you guys this. What do you think? And I already congratulate the Canadians for winning, right? Did I do that? So I'm not being a total cunt here. I just love shitting on them. What do you think is the most overrated, overrated collection of like, you know, championships, the Celtics, the Boston Celtics, the 11 that they won in the 1960s, the New York Yankees, or the Montreal Canadians. I would, I would put them in this order. I would say Canadians top of the list. Then I would say Celtics and then I would say Yankees, you know, and this, this is what, okay,

the Canadians dominated a six team league and they had first choice of every French-born Canadian player for like the first fucking 50 years. It's like they had their own lottery draft every fucking year. All right. And not to mention there's five other teams. I mean, give me a fucking brilliant. You went on a run. Holy shit. How did you do that? You know, then I would say, I would say the only reason why I'm putting the Celtics next is because the Yankees basically had Jordan. They, there was such a good front office that they grabbed the Jordan three generations in a row. You know, I mean, we gave them fucking Babe Roof like assholes because we wanted to have a musical. I think people should sing too, right? So we give them Babe Roof, but they had Lou Gehrig.

They went from Lou Gehrig, Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig to fucking Joe DiMaggio to Mickey Mantle. I don't, I'm good. I don't think you haven't going to see that again. That would be like if one team drafted, uh, you went doctor to sixers, got Dr. J. And then they fucking drafted Michael Jordan. And then they drafted like Kobe Bryant or LeBron, like within like, what is that? Like 30 years, within 30 years from the 1920s to 1950s, they had that. So I put the Celtics second because, um, I don't know, I guess it was a newer league. Well, the league started in the 40s, but it was still the 1960s. It was still, it was Will Chamberlain, but all those championships back then, though, the amazing thing about it was like the amazing argument. It's like, okay, well, it's distilled

down. So there's, there's, um, the talent level obviously should have been higher, I guess. But for some of you youngsters out there, like back in the day, when you won the pennant in baseball, there was so few teams, I should have done my research. I used to know this shit. There was like literally like maybe seven teams in each, um, in each league. So it was basically winning the pennant was having the best record at the end of the regular season. That was winning the pennant. And if you had the best record in the American league, you immediately went to the World Series. There was no wild card, no divisional series, and then the fucking ALCS, you immediately, you went to the World Series. So basically after you won all those games in the regular season,

you had to win four more. Um, and I think that that's why you, you saw teams go on. I don't know. I think that that's why you saw like a Yankees, a Celtics, or a, uh, a Canadians thing where they could go on runs because there was so, there was way fewer teams and you had, and even like the playoffs, playoffs was, was so much shorter. Like I was talking to my buddy, Lawhead, he said, yeah, the amount of times that the Cleveland Indians won over 100 games and they didn't even make the playoffs because the Yankees had a couple more wins. Um, and you know, the playoffs go, anybody can fucking win. You have a bad day or a bad couple of games next thing. You know, you bounced out in the first fucking round or 100 wins,

go right down the toilet. That didn't happen back then. So, uh, I will be interested to hear, but I mean, I think obviously just the sheer number of teams and then that unbelievably ridiculous advantage that the Canadians had, that they had first choice of every French-born Canadian player. You know, I mean, what the fuck? Um, but anyways, anyways, going, and I, and I, I promise you this, if the Bruins ever start playing the trap, I will immediately stop watching them. Um, because I, I, I like the game of hockey. I don't like watching it being suffocated. All right, Bill, you've made your goddamn point. How long did I talk about hockey? And there's, I can guarantee you there's no women left listening

to this fucking thing. 11 minutes. Does it sound all right? I'm back to my old contraption here. I bought yet another memory card. Somebody on Twitter told me that the lovely zoom H4 and recorder could only take one that had 32 gigabytes or some shit. So I went out and I bought one of those and I stuck it in there and they said that there was nothing in there. So, uh, I don't know, if I had a fish tank, that's where this recorder would be at the bottom of it. Cause it kind of looks like one of those castles that the goldfish swing, swim in and out of. Um, all right, let's get on with the podcast. This is the money morning podcast, everybody. Um, I'm actually in a great fucking move despite the fact that my Bruins lost. Um, I remember I was telling you how Titus showed

me how to, uh, well, basically did the job and then just stood over my shoulders. I did the other one when we converted my front brakes from drum brakes to disc brakes. So I've had those drum brakes in my garage saying that I was going to put those motherfuckers together and, uh, and they just been sitting there mocking me every time I'm walking by like, what's up bitch? What's, what's up bitch? What Titus isn't here to fucking hold your hand. You little fucking pussy. Every time I saw them, they were bugging me. So, uh, I went on, I went on the internet there. I went to amazon.com. That's what I did. Everybody right through the bill Burr website in the podcast page. I clicked on it. I actually got money kicked back to me that I'm going to

kick onto the troops and I bought the, the kit, um, you know, to help you put the fucking springs on and all that shit. So underrated for this week, actually having the tools for the job that you need. Cause I watched all these guys, these weekend warriors going like, you know, there's, there's a special tool for this, but if you don't have it, uh, you know, uh, needle nose pliers will work. Get yourself a screwdriver and, uh, no, go out and get the fucking things that you need. And, uh, I actually got them all together. I think I fucked up one of the springs. I think one of them, cause when I got to the last spring that was left, it didn't seem like it fit right. So I'm going to bring it down to, uh, the guy who works on my truck normally and have him show me how to

fucking do it, but I was psyched. I probably, I'll put a picture up of what I, what I have done so far. I got it basically three quarters done and I have some extra parts, some clips and a couple of screws. So I'm like 80% there and, um, I don't know. I think I breathed in a bunch of asbestos too. I didn't realize, actually I did. And I was like, I'm outside. I'm fine. And then I've got this weird, I already had a scratchy feeling in my throat. I thought I was catching a cold, but now it feels like an asbestos-y kind of cold. Um, but anyways, man, I'm psyched. I'm going to get these fucking things together. Cause remember that carburetor I told you I took apart? I tried and I was going to rebuild it. I went nuts. I took the whole fucking thing apart right down to those,

those little flat, it was a four barrel, right down on those little flapper things. I know what you call them, but I took them out and now they won't fit back in. Cause I think all the years of it just being so hot, they're a little warped. I can't get them back in. So if anybody knows where I can buy those parts, I don't mean like a rebuild kit. I have all that shit. I need the actual parts to the carburetor and it's making me sick every time I look at it. Cause that's literally the first thing I have to put back together and I can't get them, I can't get them to fit. So if anybody knows where I can order that shit, I'd appreciate it. All right. All right. What the fuck am I talking about this week?

You know, I went to go look at a story on the internet that I somehow missed because I've been traveling so much and one of the advertising, the advertising before like the little YouTube video was, oh, before I forget, I got to, I'm going to post the YouTube video of this Southern dude who was doing the drum brakes on his buddy's Mustang that actually taught me how to do it. The guy's a fucking riot. He knows what he's doing, but he's drinking the whole time. And every time he takes a sip, he goes, cheers. And it was, he just, he filmed it in real time. So he fucked up, you know, a couple of times how to take some shit off. You know, he just put some shit on too soon or whatever. And then, you know,

kind of had to go back and forth, but just watching a guy, he just left the camera on. It was really great. So if you've ever thinking of doing it, if a dumb ass like me can figure it out, sort of, you know, I'm not looking a lot of you. I had some extra parts. But after tomorrow, when I go down the garage, the guy's going to show me what I did wrong. And I'm going to have it down. I'll do the other one. And then I know how to do it. So I'll definitely post that video. And so anyways, this advertising comes on right before this new story that I somehow missed. And it shows this guy out on a lake on a jet ski or something like that. And these two ladies are sitting on the bench on the beach.

I mean, and they go, uh, she goes, so when one of the ladies says to the woman who's married to the guy in the jet ski, so does he still keep it in the driveway? And she's like, not anymore. You know, and like now that it's like in storage, it was basically an advertising, advertisement for storage, right? So of course, you know, these storage companies, they're basically advertising to fucking ladies out there because what, what, what do women do the second you get married to them? You know, they take over the fucking house and all your shit ends up out in the garage. And if there's anything that sits in the driveway, how long before they want you to sell it? You know what I mean? Did they give a fuck that it's the last

fucking flame flickering in your heart? You know, something you have a passion for an old car you want to fix up a fucking jet ski, right? And this fucking woman is sitting there gloating. These guys out on the lake having the fucking time of his life from this goddamn jet ski, she sees how much he enjoys it. Does she give a fuck? No, it's a fucking eyesore to her. I really don't understand how women have like that motherly thing where they're like these absolute angels. And at the same fucking time, they're like these, I don't know what they are. What is the fucking word? It's not like a leech. They're like these. I don't know. What is that old thing where a cat, a cat sleeps on your chest, it steals

your life breath or something like that? Or is that when you hold the milk in front of your mouth and a fucking tapeworm comes out? I can't read something. There's something somewhere in there. Yeah, somewhere in there. There's a reference that would have been funny three minutes ago. Sorry. I just don't understand it. That's why Nia's this shit. Nia doesn't give a fuck. I got my drum stuff, my guitar stuff. She knows I'm a big kid and she lets me have it. She's never said, oh, why don't you take your shit and put it in storage? You know, but all these fucking women, they show in these advertisements and all these fucking sitcoms and shit. I don't, I just don't understand it. Why, why, you know, at the end of the day, you know what's

fault it is? It's the fucking guy in the jet ski. You know, when she's sitting there breaking his fucking balls, there's a great line that you can use when you're just sick of your woman. She's just crossed too many lines and she's on a fucking roll and she's going and nothing to get that jet ski out there. My mother's coming to town and taking up all the space. We need room for a car, but she's on a fucking roll. There's a great simple thing that you can say to them, you know, to make them stop. It's basically this, all right, all right, all right. That's what you do when then you sit in the awkward silence. So you're yelling at me now? Yeah, I am. Why are you doing that? Because you're

fucking annoying me. Don't curse at me. I'm not cursing at you. I'm cursing because I'm angry. It's my fucking jet ski. I enjoy it. I like going out in the, the fucking lake doing little loopy loose, a little dosy dough, whatever, whatever the fucking slang is on jet skis. I like doing it. Okay. And I don't have to haul my ass all the way down to the fucking storage shed on the other side of town. Every time I feel like taking a lap around the lake, why don't we put some of your fucking shoes down there? How about that? Some, no, no, shut up. Well, you're talking when I'm talking. That's why that fucking word exists. You shut your face, lady. All right. My jet ski goes down to the fucking storage center. So does some of your, your, uh, so does some of your shoes.

Fucking only my jet ski, only my shit goes down there. What kind of fucking lopsided trade is this? Like I'm dismantling the team of my life. Go fuck yourself. You got to give somebody else too. Give somebody else up. There we go. See that? That's why, you know, I don't know if this, that this kind of shit's going to cause me to live longer, I'd die earlier, but literally that's what a 14 second advertisement can fucking do to me. I get upset at this, this hypothetical fucking relationship. And this guy who was on this, just jet ski and goes into a green screen storage door. I don't know. If there's any women who still listen to this, can you, can you please answer me like two things? What do you have

against the guy you're with having fun without you? And two, what is it that guys do? What is the male equivalent to doing that? Cause I know we balance each other out at this point. Okay. But I'm, I'm a guy. So I only see, you know, I'm like a Homer announcer. I only see the fucking offenses that are on my side, you know, uh, that affect me. Really just, just the way they said, no, he's going across the street. Oh fuck you. You, you should have just rev that engine and just fucking ran right over nice propeller to the fucking cleavage. That's disgusting. Um, anyways, anyways, you know, I think that's a good times. That's a nice setup for some advertising this week. Oh geez, geez. 22 minutes in some, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, some weeks it's easy, some

weeks it's hard. It seems like it's going to be an easy one. All right, let's, let's, uh, let's do the thing here. Oh Christ, where is it? Where have you gone? Billy boy, Billy boy. All right, here we go. All right. Which one is this one? Oh, legal zoom.com everybody. Guess what? It's national business, national start your business month. I thought last month was that. Well, you know what? Legal zooms killing it so hard every month should be national legal zoom. No, national start your business month. Do I have dyslexia? Um, let's start over again. Once again, it's national start your business month at legal zoom.com. Okay. I know I've been talking about this for more than a month, but so many, oh,

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two eyes of blue but oh what those five foot could do has anybody seen my gal. Now if you run into a five foot two covered with pearls, boom, boom, boom diamond rings and all those things you bet your life isn't her but could she love, could she coo, could she, could she, could she coo has anybody seen my gal. And my hair was orange. Is it any, is it any wonder? I ended up doing this shit talking to myself in the basement of my fucking home. Oh, by the way, I finally got the roof put on my house. Loving life. That's one of those things that you absolutely love when your girl could give a fuck about. I'm standing up there, you know, just staring at it, talking to Neil. Look at it. Look at the fucking top paper. Right. She could give a shit. She's like, yeah, it's nice.

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offer includes digital scale and up to $55 free postage. Don't wait. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in burr burr that stamps.com enter burr and there we go. There we go. Won't you come home, Bill Bailey? Won't you come home? That's what I would be singing. Everybody else was singing, you know, like sweet emotion and I'm walking around going roll out the barrel. We'll have a barrel of fun. We got it, Bill. You listen to a bad record. All right. So anyway, it was a new story that I suddenly somehow missed out on. I've been living a very cavernous life recently. I've been really busy. So I've missed out on a lot of a lot of stories. How the fuck did I miss out on this? And Jim Norton actually

did a bit about this on the Patrice O'Neill benefit. And I missed it because I was I was in the back somewhere making sure you know, freaking out making sure everybody had food and all that I never arranged one of those things before. So you know, I was I was like that fucking nerd who had a party and was worried that no one was going to show up or they'd show up and say that it sucked. I guess he did a story on this. It said a man charged with slapping a toddler on a Minneapolis to Atlanta flight is out of a job. This guy got up and he slapped a baby and the baby was African American and he dropped the N word. I mean, I've been trying to think like that's got to be like as far as ending your career. That's like just I mean, I don't know how you

could have done it any better. Like if you truly just wanted to get fired, I mean, you could have stopped with slapping a baby. That is just I mean, that is just I can't. Can you fucking you ever been on a plane? The baby starts crying. I always get blown away by people who get annoyed by it. I always find it funny and relatable. Like when I hear baby start crying, I just think like I just I'm jealous of the freedom of it because I want to do that too. Like how great that would be just anytime you just life started to suck, you could just do that, you know, how I oh my God, it's really like verse Paul Versey has a bit just I gotta stop as he has a bit just like this. Wait, I gotta stop here. Go see Paul Versey for the rest of

this fucking ideas. Oh my God, accidentally almost stumbled into that one. But I've always felt that though. Can you fucking believe going up and slapping forget the whole racial thing just standing up? I mean, we've all had a couple of drinks. We've all said some things, you know, how many fucking drinks do you have? Well, your brain goes, why don't you go over there and slap that baby in the fucking head? I could see if you were driving by and there was a baby standing on the street corner, and you took the plates off your car. I could see in your drunk mind thinking that you were going to get away with that. But this guy, if you did that in the mall, it would be over. This guy does it on a plane. There's nowhere to go. There's nowhere to go.

You know, you know what, when they make the sequel to like snakes on a plane, this is what it should be. It should be Sam Jackson as a baby and some racist white guy slaps him in the face and calls him the n word. And then that it just sets him on that guy's actually part of the Illuminati. I'm just throwing shit against the wall. That guy's part of the Illuminati. And the reason why he's on a commercial airline flight is maybe he got a little too out of control at the last secret meeting. He didn't do the handshake right, you know, and as a punishment, he actually had to fly commercial like first class. And it's actually, it's a baby Sam Jackson. And it's whatever snakes on a plane, snakes meeting like the Illuminati, like that piece of

shit snakes on a plane part two. And then the tag is you just slapped the wrong motherfucker. I'm sorry, sometimes this shit's just funny to me. But oh, and then he drops the n word. I mean, Jesus, I mean, this guy is just like, it's just as far as evil, it would be like, I can't even imagine would be like getting eaten by a snake and a shark at the same time, like it wouldn't be possible. Like the level of evil that is in that man's heart, you know, Jesus Christ, I'm trying to like, he's a 60 year old guy from Idaho. And I even think the 60 is too young at this point to still be dropping the n word. You know, you get somebody at this point, let's see, 60 years old, you were, well, let's see, you know,

now you were born in the fifties. Come on, man. You're born at the fifth. You should know better. All right. Even white guy in the middle of nowhere, you should know better. So I feel like the, the, the white person dropping the n word kind of shit, even though I know there's a bunch of hate groups out there. I'm just talking to the average every day, Joe just on a fucking plane saying that type of shit. That's like, you know, at this point, I think you were born in like the twenties and the thirties, maybe the forties. Me, Bill Clinton was in the forties, right? He's playing saxophone on our senior hall. I don't even did the cool handshake, right? White people have come a long way. This guy just set white people back. The only thing that's saved it is an old

white guy. And I think people always just look at old people as like they were born in the 1800s. At least I do. Maybe that's me because I'm going to be 45 this year. And I just realized that I'm 15 years away from being 60 years old. And you know what? I'm all right with that. You know, I'm eating salads. I'm doing pull ups. Go fuck yourself. All right. It's not like I'm aging any quicker than anybody else. We all listen. We all get a day older every day. Okay. Now the great thing about being my age is if the fucking we get hit by an asteroid, I got 45 years in. All right. You only got 20 something, but they're they're great 20 years, your first 20. Now they think of it. You didn't have to deal with a bunch of other shit, did you?

I don't know. But let's this is kind of gone off the rails here. So I apologize. Like I really missed out on a bunch of stories. I don't, I just kind of obviously, as you can tell from the first 11 minutes of this podcast, all I do is watch hockey and then try and put together auto parts while breathing in asbestos. Um, and battled Scottish Cardinal O'Brien, Cardinal O'Brien apologizes for my sexual conduct. You know, I'm getting sick of people apologizing for shit and they dance around. This guy basically, to use my new word, he buggered some kids. All right. He took out his holy cock, Olio and stuck it in their fucking, uh, uh, what the fuck was Jesus born in a shed?

What do they always call it? You know, I always around Christmas. I remember what it's called. What was he born in a barn, but they give it some biblical, what's the name for a biblical barn? I don't give a fuck. Anyways, it says a Scottish Cardinal who had earlier, earlier challenged allegations of his sexual impropriety claims that once again, claims that once again, shined an international spotlight on the alleged sexual abuse evolving, involving Roman Catholic clergy, reverse course Sunday, and the guy apologize. This is how he apologizes for basic, for as far as I can tell, fucking children in the ass. He said, I wish to take this opportunity to admit that there have been times that my sexual

conduct has fallen below the standards expected of me as a priest, archbishop and cardinal. In recent days, certain allegations which have been made against me have become public. Initially, their anonymous and non specific nature led me to contest them. To those I have offended, I apologize and ask forgiveness to those I've offended. You know, I've been lucky enough in my life to have never been unwontedly fucking banged in the ass by a fucking priest. But I don't, I think I can be empathetic enough and say that if this was happening at no point, would I be turning around going, you know, that's what you're doing is really offensive. I find this, you know, what the fuck. When you apologize, you should have to say what the

fuck you did. And if you're going to talk like this, there should be somebody obnoxiously yelling off the mic, like what you did. Like during this apology, you should have been like, I wish to take this opportunity to admit that there have been times that my sexual conduct has fallen below the standards expected of me as a priest. Yeah, and as a fucking human being, you're not supposed to fuck kids. In recent days, certain allegations fucking of children, which have been made against me have become public about fucking time. Initially, their anonymous and non specific nature led me to contest them. You get the point. Good Lord, to those I have offended, to those you raped, you're fucking rapist. And like how he tries to tie in the fact that he's a priest.

Like below the standards expected of me as a priest archbishop and cardinal. So like, what if you were a pope that was okay? Or is it because you never became a pope? So this guy's basically been dittling kids ever since he got into that fucking hurray. How is that thing still in business is just fucking beyond me. Anyways, so that's the news for this week, everybody. I hope you enjoyed it. Let's get on with some sort of what do we got here? Did I talk about everything I want to talk about? Yeah, I think I did. All right, cool. All right, new girl. Hey, Bill, love your comedy and just wanted to ask a clarifying question. My guy always gives me crap for watching the show New Girl due to the fact that he thinks

the show is ridiculous. He refuses to believe that you did a spot on it. Can you please verify whether or not you were on a show as Nick's cousin? I know you're a busy guy, but I listened to your podcast and know that you respond personally to emails, which is great. I can either confirm nor deny that. That is top secret information and I'm not allowed to talk about it. But chances are good. Yeah, I did an episode of that. I did an episode of it two weeks ago. Does that help you win your argument? Will that make your boyfriend like the show more? I doubt it. He thinks the show is ridiculous, so he refuses to believe that I did a spot on it. Well, tell him this, I did a spot on it and everybody in the show was fucking hilarious. And I had a great

time. And I also got to work with Nick Kroll, who had me dying laughing between every take. I was laughing like a schoolgirl. So I had a great time on the show. It's unfortunate. Your boyfriend can't enjoy the show. But do you know what? That's why there's other shows. But I actually liked how your boyfriend views me that I am big enough to actually turn down acting work. Have him one day sit down and read my IMDb page. And eight seconds later when he's finished, I would do a pilot of a show that was ripping off Sesame Street. And I would play the lower half of Big Bird at this point. I don't give a fuck. So if I get to be on a hit show like that, I had absolutely had a great time. I had a great time on that show. And you know, just tell your boyfriend he doesn't have to

watch it. Alright, hey, Bill, I'll keep this short. But my wife of three years cheated on me back in July. Oh, Jesus. Well, she did it three years in. Please don't have any kids. Please don't have any kids. Please don't have any kids. After telling her that I wanted to work things out. She fucking left me for another dude in November. Not even the dude she cheated on me with. Oh, man. Yeah, that's one of those deals where you still loved her. And she just fucking hit you with a giant bucket of water and you were in shock. So you tried to work it out with that cheating whore. Anyways, he said I was friends with this girl since high school. As was her. Wait a minute, I was friends with this girl since high school. As was with her and was with her,

he wrote as and was with her for a total of six years. And she broke broke off our marriage via text. What a fucking cunt. Anyways, I'm 30 years old in great shape, live on my own, have been on a dating website for a couple months. And I've yet to go out on a date with anyone because I secretly think all these girls just like getting guys to look at their online profiles but never want to go out on a date. My question is, should I continue to try and find someone through online dating or somewhere else? I've only been with two girls my entire life. I want to take your advice and get it out of my system for a bit before I settle down with someone else. Yeah, dude, why don't you, first of all, you're only 30 years old, which is really young nowadays. Why don't you give yourself

a little bit of time to heal from what the hell you just went through before you jump into something else, learn a little bit about yourself, figure out what you're looking for and what you want, what's a deal breaker, what is something that you want, you know, you're looking for and then I would go into a relationship like that. Online dating, I think is great. I mean, if I was a young guy, I would do that in a second. I mean, that's just like all of a sudden you become like the Bill Belichick of pussy. You know, it's like you got your own draft. It's like you're looking at the fucking the NFL combine. You know, but instead of seeing their vertical leap, you're looking at like their titties. I don't know what you do on the thing, but look, it could have been a lot worse.

She could have done it like when you were 40 and you already had a couple of kids and you have to pay for a cheat and ask to, um, I think the fact that you guys were young when you got married, I don't think she knows how to break up with somebody. She probably deliberately sabotage the relationship and the fact that she sent a text. She doesn't like confrontation. She's still very immature. Um, so what are you going to do? But whatever, she's in the rearview mirror. I would, you know, the best revenge is living a great life. So take some time, go travel, go fucking, I don't know, do something, learn how to fly a helicopter, ride a motorcycle, go to Europe, you know, go, go to a Super Bowl, blow some cash, just do something for yourself. Figure out what

you want to do and, uh, just tell women you're not ready to get into something until you are. That's it. Be totally 100% honest. I didn't call me back. I thought you had a good time. I had a great time, but I didn't feel that feeling like you were the one. I'm sorry. You know, bang, bang, boom, real fucking quick. And, uh, you know, the second you're honest like that, that's when you'll eventually find the person you're supposed to be with. When you keep lying to people because you don't want to hurt their feelings, you just end up hurting yourself. So sorry you went through that. Um, but, uh, you know what, dude, it's your, it's your time right now. So enjoy yourself. All right. Darius Bill, ex-girlfriend, won't X. What does that mean? Won't

exit? Uh, I need some advice on how to handle a crazed woman. Oh Jesus. I don't know, dude. This is rough. A crazed woman. Uh, I'm 18 and have joined the Marine Corps and I leave for basic in a few months. Well, Jesus, there's a great out. There's a way to get out of a relationship. You know, I'd love to keep seeing you, but I, uh, I joined the Marines. Yeah. Sorry about that. I know it's crazy. All right. See you. Anyways, he said, I've been dating this girl for about six months and dumped her because I feel like the last thing I need when I'm away is a relationship with someone who I will never see. Exactly. The girl has constantly been blowing up my phone for the past couple of weeks. Uh, I thought she would calm down over time, but it seems to be getting

worse. I started to get really concerned when I arrived home the other day and she was at my house talking to my mother who thinks this girl is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. How can I get this girl out of my life? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Love the podcast. Go fuck yourself. Um, all right. Well, this is how you get her out of your life. You just don't answer any of her calls. All right. And you know, if she shows up where you're at, just say leave me alone. I don't want to talk and just, you know, eventually, I mean, you can't get blood from a stone and I would immediately talk to your mother and just say, listen, I know you love this girl, but I don't. This isn't going to be the mother of my kids and she's stalking me. Okay.

So I need you to not talk to her. And then that's it. Start with that. And then after that, um, I don't know where you go after that stun gun. I don't know, dude, you're going to the Marine soon. So it's going to be fucking over. When do you say leave a basic in a few months? Yes. Tell your mother to stop talking to her. Just say she's fucking nuts. And, uh, yeah, that shouldn't be that hard. I mean, she, she just blown up your phone. You know, she's not peeing in the batter of the brownies that you then eat with your fucking best friend, right? Like last week. Um, anyways, new Pope. Hey, Boston, Billy, love the podcast. Keep up the good work. Thank you. What do you make of all this news about the Pope retiring? Oh,

gee, geez. Personally, I'm not that religious and don't really care that much. Maybe if they elected a new Pope that was young, well, that was a young, some young hot lady in her twenties, I would give a shit. What do you think, Bill? Is there more to the story that they're not telling us where his age and health issues? The only reason he retired is the church covering anything up. Um, oh, come on, dude, are they covering anything up? They, they fucking have been, a certain percentage of them have been covering up other fucking kids for a long time. You know, during world war two, there was, uh, you know, they got in bed with the Nazis. I mean, it really is one of the worst organizations as far as some of the shit that they've done,

you know, but people are so wrapped into not pissing off the invisible guy and wanting to go to the happy place and get to eat marshmallows for the rest of your fall fucking eternity, that they are actually, it's really, it's, it's disturbing that people can still be part of that religion. You know what I mean? I don't understand how, you know, the stuff that they've done. So, yeah, I would say, yeah, there's probably something going on. I don't know. Maybe he said something like, uh, hey, you know, uh, maybe we should apologize for, uh, having that clam bake with Adolf Hitler. Should we, uh, maybe clear the air with that one? Hey, what do you say, uh, we actually don't help to pay for the lawyers of the people in our organization who put their

dicks in the asses of kids. You know, maybe he said something like that. I have no idea. Anyways, he said, also, what are some, some of the ways that they could make the church more interesting? For example, maybe let broads become priests. I bet more people would pay attention or how about letting people sit in lazy boys instead of sitting and kneeling in those terrible rock hard benches they call pews. I know it's so dumb. The whole thing is to get you like you're not worthy. You're not worthy. You're not worthy. Get on your fucking knees and it's, and it's all, it's all made up by human beings, taking a guess and, and other adults because they get into it as kids. They, they, I don't know why. I actually know why. Cause I, I believe that there is like

a spirituality and I believe that you feel good when you do good things. And I just think that you can't corral that nobody owns it. And you can't put a fucking like, I think that all churches should just be philosophies rather than this, this hardened way of looking at things. Just the amount of death that it has caused. I'm not saying anything fucking new. You guys know I feel in this shit. Finally, how about we liven up the music a bit and add some newer sounds, maybe a little guitar and drums. Well, what you need to do is go to a Baptist church, go to a church where you don't see any white people going in there. That would be a good one to start with. And I bet you're amazing. You'll hear people who actually in those churches

probably sing very better than half the people who won Grammys that year. I mean, how many times you've seen some emaciated whore sticking her finger in a ear, trying to act like they know how to sing and what's behind them all the fucking time. It's always like fucking three black chicks or two black chicks and some black dude. I mean, that's where the music is. That's where it's coming from. If that's what you want, just fucking go there. They're not going to give a shit, right? They may look at you weird. But after a while, once they see you feel in the music, you should be fine. You should be fine. The rest of the shit, I don't know. I think that they should maybe update the stories every once in a while. Maybe just make up some new shit. Just say,

oh, you know what? God came back again and the burning bush said, let he who's never illegally downloaded the song, just something to fucking update it. I don't know what to tell you. You know what I mean? I don't know. Update it. I guess, you know, there are some sort of some of those new age, the new age ones are just as scary because then somehow somebody always ends up saying their Jesus. And the next thing you know, you're surrounded by the FBI and there's tanks shooting flames at you, or you're waiting for some aliens to come. And next thing you know, everybody's drinking some poison and you're dying a fucking bunk bed, you know, or in the middle of the jungle with some sweaty fucking conga player, whatever the fucking that guy's name was.

You know, I think you're better as when it comes to spirituality and that type of shit, I think you're really you're better off on your own. I think, you know, I think generally speaking, if you're not a psycho, you kind of know how to be a decent human being. I'm not saying that you're always succeeding in it. I certainly don't. But how the fuck do I put it? I would rather sit at a bar about six, seven beers in and talk to somebody else who is in the same mind frame and talk about life than I would to actually go to a church and listen to some guy up there going and then he did something and he did something else. He did it for you. He died painfully. I hope you appreciate him. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. You're not fucking worthy. We want you to remember this. You're a

piece of shit. You better hope he's not mad at you. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. I mean, who the fuck wants to sit there through that? I mean, there's still telling stories about lepers. Can we fucking update it? You know, the world was flat. Now the world is flat and there was some lepers and a guy at a big boat, he stuck some animals on. What am I singing? I don't even know. I shouldn't have listened to my mother. How do you end up in that? Okay, here's a job where you're not going to be able to ever fuck another woman again. You know? Well, do I get a wife? No, you don't get that. You're going to sit in this dorm room with a bunch of other guys. None of you are going to get any pussy whatsoever. Okay, there you go. There's a natural, like the whole thing

is just like, as far as the Catholic way, it's just like just flogging yourself. Do you want to see how fucked up it? You got one fucking life. You should be out having the time of your life, you know, not hurting anybody, but having the time of your life and enjoying it because you fucking deserve it. Because you were lucky enough to be born a human being and not a fucking house fly. What if reincarnation is true? All right, and you're going to fucking come back is, I don't know, something a snake eats. One of those little fucking lizards sitting there darting around. Even if you don't get eaten by a snake, you only live like 14 days. You can fucking drive a car, you know? You never see a lizard doing that shit, do you? Jesus, this asbestos is fucking with me.

Hey, everybody, guess where I'm going this week? I'm in beautiful downtown fucking Los Angeles, enjoying my life right now in this wonderful weather, you know, and you're probably thinking like, Hey, Bill, last thing you want to do is go to Wisconsin and Michigan. And you know what I say? Fuck you. That's exactly where I am going. I'm going to Wisconsin, the great state of Wisconsin. And I'm then going on to Michigan. I am doing a bunch of shows this week. And as you can tell by how long it's taken me to tell you this, I'm opening my website. I'm going to be at the Barrymore Theater in Madison, Wisconsin on March 7th with opening act Wisconsin's own Nate Craig, his triumphant return to the greater Madison, Wisconsin area on March 8th.

I will be doing not one, but two shows at the legendary, beautiful, absolutely gorgeous PAPS Theater in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. If you live in that area and you've never been to the theater, you know, you should come down. See the, at the very least, just look at the beautiful etchings on the wall. On March 9th, I will be doing the, I'll be at Fountain Street Church in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Part of the, there's a comedy festival out there. I don't have the name of it on my website. March 9th and March 10th. I will be right outside of Detroit at the Royal Oak Music Theater for not one, but two shows on March 10th. So that's it. That's the deal. I'm going to visit winter for four days and it's going to be a great time. And if you guys know any, any great places

to eat out there, places, you know, shit that I should definitely get down. You got to get yourself a horseshoe. Have you had a juicy Lucy, whatever the fuck you have out there, a sandwich, a drink, a fucking buffalo wings, whatever you got. I want to know. All right. That's it. Where the hell are we? 55 minutes in. I can't stop this early. Oh, okay. Let me tell you this story here. Last night, I had a, I did this great thing. This, this, um, what the fuck is my phone? I lose my phone already. You guys like me, do you lose your phone like fucking 20 times a goddamn day? What's the deal? What am I trying to say? Okay, last night, this fucking goddamn thing, enough already. Last night, I did a, this guy, Wayne,

comedian, Wayne Federman does this great film festival every year and he picks like four or five comedians and they all basically talk about a film that influenced them as a comedian or just wanting to get into show business or whatever. And they have the comic talk about it before and then they show the movie. And the night I was down there, Nick Crowell went down and he did raising Arizona. I'm sitting here in the crowd and the movie is just fucking killing and I'm laughing, having a great time. Where have I got on the street and I picked the, uh, I picked the dirty dozen. You know, I loved that movie. He loved, uh, Victor Franco. And I just, I just loved that, that the attitudes that the dirty dozen guys had where they just kind of, I don't know,

appealed to me as a kid, like they, they, they were fighting it like, uh, they, they had issues with authority. You know, I didn't like teachers. I didn't like my parents going, Hey, get in there, clean up your fucking room. I just never liked it. So the movie appealed to me. And what I didn't realize is that movie is 150 minutes long. So if anybody, only five people walked out, we started the fucking movie. I don't know when we started with the show was supposed to start at 10, 15. I know it may, it had to have started a little bit late. We did do a Q and A, which was a lot of fun. And I don't know when the movie started, but it, it, it ended at like 10 past one in the morning. And I was sitting in the back and I literally felt like it was my movie and it was bombing.

People still enjoyed it because it was, you know, it's movie festival. It's like movie geeks and that type of thing. But my apologies to anybody there who wanted to leave, but didn't want to be rude because I was sitting there in the back. Just to be empathetic, my ass fell asleep too. I can't believe, I never remember it being that fucking long. The middle of that movie, the whole thing where they have the war games. I mean, I think they shot that in real time. They could have done that so much quicker. 150, what is that? Two hours, 30, that's two and a half hours long. Um, but anyways, I, I had, you know, I kept wanting to leave out of embarrassment because I just kept feeling like everyone was getting tired and they weren't enjoying it. But I was also going like,

wait, I get to see the dirty dozen on a big screen. So, uh, but Wayne assured me that everybody had a great time. They loved the movie and, uh, I don't know. It was, it was definitely a fun time. So if you're ever out here in LA this time of year, I guess every year Wayne Federman does it at the silent movie theater on Fairfax Avenue. And I think that's about it. Ladies and gentlemen, that is the podcast for this week. Um, like I said, I'll be in Wisconsin and I'll be in Michigan. If you guys know of any places to eat out that way that I should check out, I try to stay out of trouble when I'm on the road. But if there is a great bar that you know of, maybe, uh, I'll check one out like Grand Rapids. What is it doing? Grand Rapids?

I don't know that I've been out to that one. Whatever. You guys will figure it out. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. Oh, lastly, last thing I have here. Sorry, the asbestos is kicking in. I finally have the hard copy. I'm literally making the shape of a DVD, like one of the corners with my hand for some reason in front of my face so I can find the word in my asbestos logged head. Um, I finally have the hard copy versions of, uh, my, my special that came out last year. You people are all the same. Um, I'll be selling those in, uh, Wisconsin and in Michigan. I already signed all of them and shipped them out through stamps.com and, uh, every show after this, I will be selling those motherfuckers because I got about 200 boxes of

them sitting in my garage, taking up space. So, uh, if you want to buy the, uh, hard copy version of it, come out to my show and eventually we're going to get them up hopefully sooner rather than later on the website. And, um, I really appreciate it if you buy one and if you don't, if you've already downloaded one, whatever, thanks for listening and all that shit. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.