Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-5-12

Episode Date: March 6, 2012

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about the taping of his new special, aviation and advice.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, March 5th, 2012. Now you doing? What's going on? I am officially on vacation, everybody. I take my special Saturday night. Everything went great. And I want to thank everyone who came out to the Lincoln Theater on Saturday night. I had an awesome time. And I think I got another good one. So before I kiss that hour goodbye and have to write a new one, I'm going to chill here for the next four days. I got four days off before I do some other bullshit, but it's not it's not stand up related. But I want to thank everyone who came out to the shows once again, there's always obviously special nights. And everybody

came down, everybody was ready to laugh. And it went you know, went pretty I think it went pretty good. We shall see, we shall see. And that's it. So I don't know what to do with myself. I have four days where I don't have to do shit. Gonna play some drums, gonna play some guitar. I'm going to drive my truck that I haven't driven in like three weeks. I've been on the road every single week and I come back and I haven't even had time because I come back and I got to deal with all my all the mail that's piled up. So I just go in and I started up in the garage and I backed it in too. So I just sit there. You know, is he committing suicide or is he just making sure it's still, you know, I don't even know

why I just feel like you have to start it up every couple of days. So when I'm done with my podcast today, I am going to be driving that thing with my arm out the window. It's a beautiful sunny California day. Like frigging 80 degrees out here. Global warming, the golden age, you guys realize we're living in the golden age of global warming right now. Like the beginning parts of global warming, there's gonna be a lot of you know, I don't think there's anything wrong with this, you know, do it, you know, I like the weather. And then eventually it's going to be like, why am I socks wet? Do it's a fucking polar ice caps kid. They're coming. Get the nanny lights take them out of the

cooler will be all set. So anyways, yes, I am on vacation. I have taped another hour. It is behind me. There's a lot of things I'm going to miss when I miss a lot of that hour. But I feel like this is like a transitional special for me. I really do where just as far as you know, stuff I'm trying to achieve, you know, just trying to get better as a comedian. There's a few things on this special that I haven't had the balls to try another one. So you know, this one is this one's a little bit differently. So hopefully some of the skills I'm trying to learn in this one will I'll have down pat for the next one and add to my arsenal, my arsenal. And that's it. That's it. I worked with seat and Smith opened up for me. Anybody who's wondering, I ended up, you know, I

worked with him like four or five years ago at the DC improv. And then last year when I was on Jim Norton's tour, Jimmy Norton, when I was on his tour, the anti social tour network tour, that's right. It was me, him, Brewer and David Tell. And we came down to DC and we had ran to seat and again, he opened up for us and he had grown by leaps and bounds and he was awesome. So it was a no brainer came back to DC and he knocked it out of the park again. And on a sidetrack to Jim Norton's tour, the anti social network tour is back out as far as I know, with the new killer lineup him David Tell. And then they added arty Lang and Doug Stanhope. And Doug Stanhope has a new CD out, I believe I just heard about it the other day because he's got such a great name. It's, it's called before turning the

gun on himself. And I heard the cover is just like a microphone and a blood spattered wall. I don't know, I think he I think he's fucking awesome. So anyways, so even though I'm not sitting here in a Robin Williams Hawaiian shirt right now, that's mentally where I'm at. I'm psyched. I somehow pulled it off again, fold them again, special went great. And I should be getting a rough cut of it coming up. And I think it'll be out by like October. And hopefully you guys will buy it. You know, I, I, I, I Twittered something, because I don't like saying tweeting. I tweeted something. How I finally got a copy of that, a DVD copy of Black Sabbath live in Paris 1970. And I'm sitting there watching on the road and just fucking Aussies one art, you know, just one

of the greatest frontman of all time. It's Black Sabbath in there. They're absolute prime. It's just such a no bullshit show. It's just four guys on stage. Just blowing the crowds heads back. It's just they're just fucking unbelievable. It's just so fucking raw. And you know, just I honestly, it's the way it should be done. I think anybody who's ever going to play in a band should watch this fucking concert. So anyway, so I'm talking, I tweeted that I Twittered that I got the fucking thing. And I got like three people going, Oh, I got it too. And then they show links to it on YouTube as if I didn't know it was on YouTube. You know, I got shit you fool. And then they would show it to me there. And it's fucking ridiculous. Something's that great, you should pay for it.

I think, you know, I don't know if I'm coming off as like a fucking old man here. But if you if you're going to do shit like that, you can't bitch about music today and be like, What happened to music? It's like, Well, that's what happened to music. It all became free. The whole industry collapsed. Granted, it was a piece of shit industry that was fucking people over. But it could guide you to some pretty amazing artists as much as there's always been the Justin Bieber's because there has been. Okay, you know, like I've always said, when the when the Beatles will make an album, so was Herman and the Hermits. Okay, so when they were making rubber soul, Herman and the Hermits were in a fucking studio down the hall going, I'm Henry the eighth I am Henry the eighth

I am I am. You imagine writing a song that fucking stupid and you can't even you get to the second verse, you can't even come up with more lyrics. And then you somehow get away with second verse. Same as the first I'm Henry the eighth I am right. That's just fucking they got away with it. God bless them. Alright, so nothing has happened to music. What's happened is the music industry has changed. So I think that that's why it's made it. It's weird. Like there's more opportunity. But there's there's less. I don't know. There's less. Like I don't know how like a Pink Floyd would do it nowadays, or something like that. At some point, you need some giant machine to let everybody know that

you're out there, right? I don't know. Maybe you don't. I don't fucking know. But I like holding the DVDs the stuff stuff that I really like. I go out and buy the DVD. I look at it. It's like having the gold behind your money. You know, because just like the dollar, my computer can crash, my iPod can crash. Alright. And then I'm just got this worthless fucking thing. But if I got the DVD, I can just go out and get some more currency and have that thing backing it up. Does that make sense? Well, if it doesn't, go read the case against the Fed. It's a wonderful read. So anyways, I was coming back from DC. And I'm in the airport and this guy just had this classic fucking hat. It was first of all, the hat was like it was a baseball cap, but the

visor and the the front part where you'd have the sports logo or whatever it says that was all leather. And the guy was wearing cowboy boots, nice jeans, a really nice dress shirt and a really nice sport coat. And then he had this hat on over his Tom Landry haircut, which I'm rapidly approaching or hairline, I should say. And it said on the hat, it said, God guns and guts made America. Let's keep all three. You know, do you think that's right? Do you think God guns and guts did it? I mean, there's a lot of stuff that you can, because you can take that a bunch of different ways because, you know, depends on all how you define those three things. That's what I loved about that hat because that hat could be a liberal hat or extremely right wing, depending on how you read

it, you know, take it at face value. It's extremely right wing, you know, our morals or the second amendment and having the courage being a stand up guy, you know, get out there. You do, you do what's right, right? That thing, or you could go the complete opposite way where the dysfunctional way people use religion, guns would take care of the slavery and genocide, and, and guts would be all the, all the gore that it took. I'm not trashing this country. This country came about the way anything else came about. Every, that's how all, all societies come about. Somebody gets squashed, and then the people who win rewrite it, they put some nice music behind it,

right? And they, you know, they tell some truths and they kind of smooth over some other shit. But I got, this is what I love about that hat. You know, I always wish that I had some sort of black belt and martial arts, but I've always been too lazy. You know, I'd like to have a gun, but I'm afraid of them. You know, but I still walk around at night a lot. So I think if I had a hat like that, who would fuck with you? There's no way you don't think that that person's strapped. You know, we were going through the airport security and I was like, this guy's at least got to have a knife in his boot. Like, why would you go that far to have a hat like that? I don't know. Maybe he just came to some meeting from the gun lobby. I have no idea. That's one

of the things I'm doing this month though. I've met a couple of people and I'm gonna learn how to handle a gun and, you know, be comfortable around them and then decide afterwards if I want to get one, you know, as opposed to just being like, I'm scared of those things. I don't know why we have, I mean, I know I'm one of those people like I'm terrified of them. I didn't grow up around them and they freaked me out, but I totally get them. I totally understand them and I see certain stories on the news and I think, well, if somebody had a gun in the house that probably that could have gone the other way, you know? I don't know. You might think I'm a fucking lunatic, but I don't know. That's how I look at it. I just sort of tapped out of that,

didn't I? You know, I think it's a good time now to read a little bit of advertising. What do you guys think? Huh? I don't care what you think. I'm on vacation. I'm gonna hear please you. You just called me into the office this week, you know, because you couldn't figure out how to put paper in the copier. Now all of a sudden I'm standing here, my fucking, what the hell is it? What the hell is this? Stamps.com. Let's get on with this here. Stamps.com everybody. Anyways, are you like me, everybody? Do you hate everything? No. Do you hate going to the post office? Right? Sure we all do. You know, when can you go into the post office and there's not a line wrapped around the building like they're selling tickets to a Bon Jovi concert in the

metal lands, right? Your love is not bad. You know, and you go in there and it's such a long line that you got to figure out what supplies you need. Then you got to carry them under your arm and literally be putting the box together as the as the thing, you know, the line moves forward and you're sliding it up along that long table. And then you got the wrong size box or you got the wrong, you know, envelope that you wanted to express you have a priority envelope. You know, go back over there, fix it, then you can come right back up to the window and endure the hateful stares of the hundred people who weren't here to see me tell you that it's okay to come back. Do you want to go through all of that? I want to be great if you just handle it yourself

in the privacy of your own home. Have you ever wanted to do your mail late at night standing in your underwear while eating a pop tart? Well, with Stamps.com you can do it. Yep, your time is valuable. It's important to use every minute wisely. So why waste your time going to the post office? Find parking then wait in line when you don't have to. Didn't I just say that? I think I did. I don't need to read the copy. I so believe in this product I can come from my Stamps.com. I love it. I actually, I actually use this shit, man. Maybe I should go back to the copy. You can buy and print official U.S. postage using your own computer and your printer. You can also, you know, print postage for boxes. They give you this little scale, which I love

because I send out my DVDs to my gigs this way. Now just wait a little box, you know, got my little Mr. McFeely visor on, put that stamp on, you know, toss that sucker in the mail and I'm done. I show up and it's magically there. I never had to stand in a line. I could be there on my underwear, listening to a CD. I could be screaming, you know, any word I want at the top of my lungs trying to keep it clean. Trying to keep it clean here, folks. All right. And I know what you're thinking because you just like anybody else. You're like, you know what, Bill, that's all well and good. Having a post office in my house with a little bit, a little scale. What's in it for me? I'll tell you what it's in for you. We got a special offer right now. Stamps.com for my

listeners and my listeners only. Unless they're doing this with a bunch of other podcasts, I have no idea. There's a no risk trial. Plus $110 bonus offer includes a digital scale and $55 with a free postage. Okay. But only if you go on and you use my last name, Burr, what you want to do is go to stamps.com, click on the radio microphone on the top of the homepage and type in Burr, capital B, U, R, R, that stamps.com, enter Burr, get $55 and free postage. And you get a scale. All right. What else? What else could you possibly want, everybody? So anywho, oh, speaking of music, what's his face? Davey Jones died this week. And I can't even tell you how much that bummed me out.

I absolutely loved the monkeys when I was growing up. I love their music. I love the comedy. I love the nod to the Marx Brothers. I love the nod to the Beatles. I love that they were a pop band. I love that Mike Nesmith hated being in it. And when he would, when they were pretending to play to a track, he'd have his tie going through the guitar strings as some sort of silent protest. I liked all of it. And I thought they had good music for what it was. I really liked it. And I got to tell you, for you youngsters out there, there's nothing worse than when someone like Davey Jones dies of basically natural causes, because it really just lets you know how fucking old you are. It's like that guy was 66. Jesus, he died of a heart attack. How the fuck did that

guy die of a heart attack? And I'm thinking when I was, when I was watching those first started watching those shows, that guy was like, Oh my God, I think I started watching a 73 or 74. So the reruns on WSBK TV channel 56 in Boston, or was it TV 38? One or the other? I used to watch him and he was probably 25 years old. You know, I remember being excited when I saw him do a guest star in the Brady Bunch when he took Marsha to the prom. I thought Mickey Dolan's was fucking hilarious. And I hated when he grew his hair out. I thought it looked better when it was straight. Like that's how much of a fan I was by that show. And it just sucks, man. The fuck. So that's what happens to me. I'm 44 this year, 22 years. So now I can be walking

around with my torso stuffed into a button down shirt and all of a sudden collapsed over like a tray of macaroni. Oh, Jesus. Right here. Is there any reason to take shit from anybody if it goes by that fast? Other than cops, because they can legally kick the shit out of you. Let's get to the complaints this week, everybody. Some lady just absolutely lost her mind, hates my guts now, and won't listen to this podcast anymore. And I apologize to her, but she says she's not listening anymore. There's no way that she's listening, despite that she wrote like a five page email that I'm now going to read. She has a huge problem with me, everybody. So settle in. Want me to wait? You want to go down to the break room, go get yourself a little coffee cake? Oh, I can

wait. I'm on vacation. I got nothing better to do. Go ahead. I'll wait. Fucking dogs been farting all day today. I don't know what's deal is and it keeps looking at me like, dude, you got to help me out. I keep going to take it outside and then it just sniffs the grass. And then I bring it back in and it starts farting again and it keeps looking at me like, dude, I'm really trying not to shit on your rug. Like, I mean, that's how I'm reading her face. I think that's what she's saying. I have no idea. So anyways, so anyways, here we go. Subject, your podcast is hate speech. Oh, Jesus, Bill, you probably won't read this. Or if you do, you will just dismiss me as a stupid contour, but no matter. See it right there. She's already

draped herself in the umbrave and I'm going to plow a head flag. Your podcast as of late has morphed into hate speech. You used to be funny and I could brush off your hateful comments with a cringe and a shrug. Now, wait a minute. If it were, if they were hateful right along, why would you add it? Okay, let's just plow it. But now you've gone too far for me to feature a segment on your podcast devoted to the deplorable behavior of women is intolerable. For those of you new to my podcast, uh, I've been doing this segment, which I think is hilarious and needs to be done just to get you caught up before this lady gives me both barrels here because believe me, she does. Um, you know, there's a bunch of, there's a bunch of shows out there

that that shine a light on men who beat their women. Those pieces of shit, right? Trying to stop them from that behavior. There's a bunch of shows out there that will talk about how, uh, who are these guys, you know, to say what a woman could do with their body. They'll talk about the glass ceiling, the old boys network and all that type of stuff. And they shine a light on all of that. Okay. Which they should because that is guys doing things that they should not be doing that is not fair to women. Okay. But my, so my problem is not that they do that. My problem is that they never shine a light on shit that, that women do that is not fair to men. So recently, um, if I can rate my, rate myself in some sort of brave flag, I've been reading these stories about guys who are

married, their wife goes out, cheats on them, has unprotective sex, has a kid with another fucking guy, doesn't tell their husband. And by the time he figures it out, he has to pay child support for a kid that is, isn't even his and it's totally legal. And then I had the audacity to say that a woman who would do that to her husband is a cunt. Evidently that's hateful speech towards all women, according to this person. All right, because she continues. And how does she ever continue to feature a segment on your podcast devoted to the deplorable behavior of women is intolerable. How is that any different than someone spending 20 minutes a week on a different podcast featuring the deplorable behavior behavior of black people? Why do they

always go to black people? That's always a, that's just like calling me the n word. This is no difference than slavery. That's people in other groups always do that. Always do that. All right. Give me a goddamn break. All right, that she goes women are I mean, how is that different? I'm how was how was what I'm doing any different by by featuring a segment of women who are doing something absolutely reprehensible to men? How is that any different than a show that focuses on men doing anything reprehensible to women? When they show wife beaters, I don't look at that like, oh my God, they're saying I'm doing it too. I think you know something I really think you're being really selfish here. And the fact that you could sit here and listen to my podcast for this

long, as I've gone off on fat people, I mean, Jesus Christ, you want to talk about hate speech? How much shit have I talked about Peyton Manning despite the fact I can't even throw a football? You know, if he sent me an email, I wouldn't understand. And I bet it wouldn't even be as crazy as this. She says women are treated like second class citizens all over the world. When did I ever say they weren't and even still in this country yet you have no problem inciting further hate and disgusts towards your fellow human beings on this earth. How am I inciting hate? When when shows show wife beaters, is that inciting hatred towards men? If you look at those shows and that makes you hate all men, then you're a moron.

So basically what you're saying is that I'm a moron and that all my listeners are morons, that if I call a woman who cheats on her husband has a baby with another guy and makes her husband pay for that. If I call her a cunt, that means I'm calling all women cunts. You know, is that what you're saying? Are you saying we're all that stupid? She said right now there are men and that is written in capital letters, men in this country still capital S T I L L discussing whether or not women should have the right to contraception and abortions. Yeah, I understand that. Those people freak me out. Those people freak me out and I am a guy. And I've never said that a woman shouldn't have a right to that. So I don't know what you're talking about. This has nothing to do.

I'm talking about these fucking whores that cheat on their husbands. Ma'am, you know what I love about all this? How come you don't address what I talked about? How come I can't hear what do you think about a woman who would do something like that? I saw a stat the other day that said 13% of kids in this country are not with their biological father. Meaning not not just like you know that that their wife got like divorced and and then remarried and they mean like there's a guy either knows or doesn't know like the woman had a kid with somebody else while they were married like 13% of kids. I mean, that means 80% of women are on the up and up. All right, God bless them. They're angels. But that 13% needs to be taken to task. I mean, I would I mean,

how many guys are beaten women? I would guess that probably be right around that same, you know, maybe a little higher. I have no idea. Let's just let's say it's 20. Let's say 20% of guys beat their women. Should they not be called out and be called cowardly pieces of shit? You know, and if you call them cowardly pieces of shit, would I have a right to sit there and look at that and be like, well, that's now you're inciting further hate and disgust toward all men? You're being really selfish here, man, because I go off on everybody. This podcast is over the top and it's crazy. I call guys cunts on this podcast and you're being really selfish right now. And now you know, you make this big long speech and then you're going to take your ball and go home.

I look at this, look at all she's bringing up here women are still earn only 70 cents for every dollar a man earns. I think you guys should make the same amount. But I also don't think that that that number is accurate. $77.77 for every dollar that a man earns because if you include divorce settlements, you get to keep your 77 cents plus his 50% his 50 cents. So then he's down to 50. And then you're up to $1.37. See, that's what I'm talking about right there. Go fuck yourself. You oversensitive jackass. Good Lord. Go buy a bigger bra. I don't know what your fucking problem is. I hope that bugged you to that I said that that was deliberately supposed to be offensive. All right, so go

fucking write a letter to fucking cut hair.com because I don't give a shit. All right. In short, we are still not equal to our male counterparts and we will forever be labeled the weaker sex. Well, with that attitude, of course you will. You know, I don't think you're the weaker sex. I think that that's all a myth. I think that that actually makes you stronger. You know, because guys are fucking idiots and they think because they can do more push ups than their woman that they're actually, you know, that makes them smarter. You know, I don't know my fucking doorbells ringing. Are you serious? Hang on a second. I gotta go up here and then I gotta, I gotta read the rest of this. Hold on.

All right, so I'm back. Little winded, but I'm back. I'm back. So anyways, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It just keeps going on and on and on and on. Where the hell is it? Where the hell was I? Weaker sex and then she tries to break me down psychologically, but my mom not hugging me. If that's the case, then I'm sorry for you. I hate when people do that. It's like you're not sorry for me. You hate me right now. Okay, so stop acting like you're really sorry for me and you're showing some sort of empathy. You're not showing empathy. You're being really selfish. Like I said, I go off on everything here. I've never said that a woman should make the same amount an hour as a guy. I never should said that a guy should be able to

hit a woman. I've never said that. What the thing I'm trying to shine a light to is that some of these divorce settlements are absolutely fucking ridiculous and that when a woman cheats on a guy and has a kid with another person and then the poor sap who married her has to pay for that, you don't think that's fucked up? Howard Stern just did a great story on it last week. Somebody sent me an email. He did a story about a guy who was in that situation and he refused to pay the child support and they said, we're going to send you to jail. He's going to go to jail because his wife cheated on him, had unprotective sex. Hey, to hell with AIDS, let's roll the dice with my husband's life, right? Has unprotected sex, has a kid. He doesn't realize it, figures it's his

because it's his wife's pregnant. Why would he think that it's somebody else's? He starts making the payments. Next thing you know, you know, he starts raising the kid, figures out it's not his kid and has a natural reaction. I don't want to pay for that and the like the law is just like, no, you have to pay for it. Let me ask you this, man, do you have any empathy for that? You seem to have all this empathy for women and women's issues and like somehow I'm supposed to still respect you despite the fact that you could give a fuck if this injustice is done on the other side. It doesn't make any sense. I want to see like, this is like focusing on this issue. This is an issue for some reason that is just not talked about whatsoever. It's just sort of accepted

and I think it's an absolute, I think it's absolutely deplorable. I think it's deplorable. So I have the right to talk about it. You know what I mean? And if you want to get offended and you want to be selfish and just be like, well, that isn't fair. What if I had a whole segment every week and all I did was talk about wife beaters? You know what? You'd probably send me email. I just want you to tell you, I love your podcast even more. It is just, it's, you are just, you are a hero to hear a man out there just, just letting these, these, these cowardly pieces of shit know that it's, you'd be fucking over the moon. But now all of a sudden I'm talking about women who are doing shit that you're not even doing. At what point in any of these stupid

fucking rants that I've done, have I ever said that all women are doing this? I never have. I never said that all women cheat on their husbands and have a kid out of wedlock. I didn't. All right. Do I make generalizations apps of fucking Lily? It's a comedy. I paint with the broad brush. I'm fucking around. Okay. Jesus fucking Christ. Stop being so goddamn selfish. Okay. And if you don't want to listen to my podcast, don't listen to my podcast anymore. And other than that, you know, I mean, go fuck yourself. I don't, I don't, I don't know. This, what she's doing is, is a, is a pet peeve that I have. Um, like that happens to me like sometimes when I do shows and at the end of my shows,

some will come up to me and just be like, look, you know, I have a good sense of humor, but, but subject whatever my fucking phone, they'll just be like, you know what, that's never funny. That is never all the lovely Nia, everybody. Hang on one second. Hang on one second. Hello. Hey, I'm taping my podcast right now. Is this urgent? Are you on the side of the road? We got triple A. No, no, I, the dog was farting and I thought I'd had to shit in the house. So I took it outside and then it just sniffed around and peed. Yeah, it was a pain in the ass. So I'm going to get back to the podcast. All right. All right. I'll tell you in like a half. All right.

Anyways, oh, and then she goes on to say that the terms I use will then cause, you know, people to use though, you know, as I fuck around and use these terms, she then thinks that people are going to use them seriously. You know what I mean? And I'm sure a few will, but that's not on me. Somebody who does that it's cause you're a moron. And I like, it's not my responsibility to fucking babysit anybody once they're an adult. If you don't know not to call women these terms. Okay, although I will tell you this. If, uh, you know, there is a time to call a woman a cunt. Okay. And that's when you find out that your son is not

your son and you still have to pay for it. There's a reason that that word does, does exist. All right. All right there, sweetheart. So I hope you come back to the podcast. I hope that you actually listen and will respond. And I don't hear another fucking word out of you unless you tell me what you think about those kinds of fucking women who do that. Okay. And stop bringing up slavery and all this other shit and try to drag all this other crap into it. All right. You stay in your own goddamn lane, sweetheart. All right. Good Lord. So to compare yourself not being able to vote to being enslaved really that's another one that gets that's a whole nother fucking topic. Every fucking person out

there just tries to fucking jump on that. You know, that's our N word. Oh, go fuck yourself. Um, anyways, I can't believe you just did that. Why did you flick that big right in my face? You burned off two eyebrow hairs. That's my Dresden wedding fashion advice. See, I love this. These advice now that here we go. Wedding fashion advice bill. I am getting married in June. Oh, isn't that romantic a June wedding and refuse to wear a tux. I'm going to tell you something right now, sir. You're going to have a happy marriage. You're going to have to have a happy marriage for the fact that you still have a backbone

and you refuse to wear a tux and the woman that you're going to marry this angel is fine with it. That's you got a winner right there. All right. That's perfect. There's going to be a good little give and take little surf and turf. And then all you got to do was just admit when you're wrong in the relationship, it gives you fucking credibility. So when you actually bitch, they'll think, uh, he actually, uh, he actually feels this. All right. So simple question, simple question bow tie or regular tie with my suit. I'd like to do something different, but don't want to come off as a douche. Um, I got to be honest, I would go with the tie. There's only, there's only, there's three people in the world that can get away with a bow tie.

All right. Uh, an economics major and even then, not then you have to be an economist on TV talking about the GNP, then you can wear a bow tie. Um, if you're one of those, uh, uh, if you're a Muslim, but you're a black guy, for some reason, they wear suits of bow ties. They don't seem to go for the, the, whatever the fuck you call that thing. What do you call that thing? Oh Jesus, now I'm going to be more offensive. I don't know what you call it. The thing that you just, there's, it doesn't see, it's sort of the original, uh, scrunchie, not scrunchie. What the fuck are those things called? It's sort of the original snuggy, you know, except it's just all the way over you. Like I don't think Muslims in the Middle East ever get cold when they fall asleep on the

couch because they have that, they got that whole long thing over them, right? Oh my God, that was offensive. Um, I'm from Syria and I listened to your podcast. I don't care. And the third person is, uh, if you make chicken for a lot of people, you could also wear a bow tie. Does Colonel Sanders, does that guy, I mean, speaking of slavery, tell me that guy doesn't look like he at least owns at least 12 slaves at some point in his life. I don't know. There's just something about him was very plantation-esque. Did he have that, that old South look about him? You know, some next time Nia comes on here, I'm going to ask her, she has a theory about, you want to talk about like advertising and that type of thing. She is convinced there's a KFC in

Korea town out here in Los Angeles. And she is convinced that they draw the Colonel Sanders a little bit differently to make him almost look like he's racially mixed. Like he still looks like Colonel Sanders, you know what I mean? But he looks a little, uh, I don't know. That's what she says. I don't see it. You know, she thinks they put a little dash of Mongolian in him. Which if they did, I think that is fucking hilarious. Like, I would say that at that point you had exhausted all ways of trying to figure out how to sell chicken at that location. You have definitely hit the wall as far as profits. What the fuck else can we do? We got crispy. We got, we got the original. We got the, the un-crispy. We got the healthy.

We got a chicken pot pie. What do we do? Hey, what if we made Colonel Sanders a little, uh, a little more, uh, Colonel Sanders Chen-ish. Make him a little more, just, just a little bit Asian in the face, you know, somewhere, you know, maybe in the cheekbones or, I don't know what, dash of Korean in there. You know what, I'll take a picture of, I'll take a picture of that one, and I'll take a picture of a regular one. And I want to see if you guys can tell the difference. Because personally, I don't see it, but it makes me laugh. My, every time we drive by it, both me and Nia start cracking up and she, and she starts presenting her argument, go, look at his eyes, look at his eyes. And I'm going, they look the same. She goes, I'm telling you,

it's different. But the problem is, is we never been, you can't look across the street and see like just a regular one. So, I'm going to do the wonderful technology of the, I'll speak into that. You know what, I got, I got the iPhone 4S. I finally gave into that shit. I will not be doing any fucking ads for this goddamn phone. This thing, Jesus Christ. I might as well have bought in a fiat. It's a fucking thing. It's such a pain in the ass. The goddamn home button, every couple of days, craps out. And then I got to go down to the thing. You don't have one of those geniuses figure it out. All right. And I know what you're going to say. Well, dude, just reset it. You just hold down the power button and that home button together.

And wait till the applicant, I did that. I did it. It's not working for me. So now, on my vacation, I have to get back over to the fucking eyes store and talk to those people and make an appointment and have them, I don't know, the exact reason why I never got the phone was because it always crapped out. All right. I don't need a phone that can take amazing pictures and amazing video, but it's, I can't use it as a phone. It's just, it's a pain in the ass. So fuck the iPhone. All right. And did you hear that ghost of Steve Jobs? All right. So anyway, see, I would go with the tie. But you know, if you're going to, if you're going to not wear a tux, which is really funny because a tuxedo is really just some cheap fucking thing that you get down

the street that somebody's worn to God knows how many different events. What I would do is I would wear, I would get like a suit like you were going to go do a talk show like Letterman or something, just get the best suit you possibly could have some unbelievable shoes. I'd even go with the little, the pocket square cuff links just look like a fucking million bucks. Yeah, but definitely don't do the bow tie, man. That's Jesus Christ. Then you would look like a douche. The only time a guy can wear a bow tie and not look like a douche is if he is wearing a tuxedo, I think, because then they got like the colored buff buttons and that little, that little half a man girdle, the cummerbund that they have down there. All right, Bill, flight made simple.

Do you remember, you guys remember a couple of weeks ago when I was talking about it, I didn't understand. I just don't understand how a plane stays off the ground. I've had people try to explain it to me in a zillion different ways. You're surfing on the air, the lift, the under the wing, over the wing, all this shit. This person's going to try to explain it to me. All right, Bill, in regards to your previous podcast where you wondered how an airplane flew and resigned yourself to lifelong ignorance, there are two basic principles at work here. I won't bore you with jargon or math. The plane wings are shaped so that air is pushed downward when it comes in contact with the bottom of the wing. All right, I got to read this over and over

again to get this. The plane's wings are shaped so that air is pushed downward when it comes in contact with the wing. Are they? I guess they are. Well, if I stuck my hand out the window, if I had it level, if I wanted to push it down, then I would tilt it forward. But I think they tilt it back, aren't they? Oh, but when it goes over, it pushes it down. Dude, there's no way. You're going to have to sit here and like, you're going to have to hold my hand and walk me through. You're going to have to be in the room. There's no way I'm going to be able to figure this out. All right, the plane's wings are shaped so that air is pushed downward when it comes into contact with the bottom of the wing. This produces a force equal to the one the air was pushed with

in the opposite direction. And I'm tapping out. I don't know what that means. This produces a force equal to the one. What one? To the one the air was pushed with in the opposite direction. Okay, secondly, top of the wing is shaped so that the air flowing over it is going very fast, faster than the air flowing underneath the wing. Yeah, people have told me this. I don't get it. The faster the air flows, the less pressure it puts on the wing surface because the air on top is moving faster, the pressure on the bottom is higher. Dude, this is the thing. I need to go all the way back to like basic principles of physics. You know what I mean? This is like, I'm trying to teach you how to play drums and I'm showing you an intermediate drum fill and you

can't even play a beat yet. I had no scientific background whatsoever. So if you if you can suggest a hey kids, Uncle Shlooby is going to teach us about physics, right? And there's got a picture of some guy dressed in a mascot suit. I want to start with a science book. Uncle Shlooby, I'm sorry, I couldn't think of fucking any so I would I'm on vacation. It's going to be no funny this week. Bill, how do I handle the parents of my kid, my son beat up? Jesus Christ, you know something I deserve this because I said stop asking me advice that has to do with relationships because I was sick of that shit. And as much as I'm enjoying these all of these I have to like now make sure I don't get in trouble legally. So before I answer that speaking of legally,

speaking of legally, let's let's read some let's read some the other fucking advertising for this week. What the fuck did I do with it? Oh, there it is. Alright, spot number two. Alright, it's already showed you how you didn't have to go to the post office. How would you guys like to have an arcade your own goddamn home? Would you? Would that be great? Are you sick of going down to the video store and sitting there talking to help you with something talking to those nerds? What do you think about this one? What do you think about that one? It's all about staying in your house, everybody getting some powdered food, having your own windmill, right? Putting stamps on your own envelopes that you printed out yourself on your computer. Let's go to the next level of

becoming a complete hermit GameFly.com everybody. It's the video game rental system that delivers video games to your door and now PC games right to your PC. What's wrong with the Mac? Gamefly has over 8000 titles to choose from and works with all systems. Monday morning podcast listeners get 15 day a 15 day trial free trial by going to www.gamefly.com slash burr www.gamefly.com slash burr burr. All right. And what do you get? You get 8000 different titles. So I would have to think that that's basically everything from I'm going to shoot you in the face all the way down to Pac-Man. I mean, they got everything all the classics all the way up to the top. I mean, they have to 8000 titles to choose from. And this is the thing, even if you don't want to do it for 15

days, they're giving you they're giving you a free trial just like a drug dealer gives you a couple of free samples, right? You hit the needle a couple of times, they got you hooked. You know, except rather than ruining your life, you'll still be able to go to you'll still be able to go to work. And you know what, you're going to be able to deal with your boss even better because you know the second he's done running his yap, and that whistle blows, and you slide down that dinosaur into that car you use with your feet, you're going home to 8000 different games. All right, 15 day free trial, gameflight.com slash burr. Okay, that's it. All right, back to the podcast. Let's see if Bill can try not to get sued here. So this guy's writing me this thing.

He's basically he's dealing with the parents of the kid, his son beat up. Well, that's got to make you feel good that your kid won as much as you probably is probably going to have to do with something of a lawsuit or something. Hi, Bill. I was listening to one of your earlier podcasts about when one of your listeners has been getting shit from his neighbor because of driving too fast in the neighborhood, you followed up with a hilarious dialogue of how we should handle his neighbor that also brought up memories of how you thought it also brought up memories about how you thought about talk, talking to your downstairs neighbor was the most ridiculous move ever. So that got me thinking. I have a son in the seventh grade, who just served

a suspension last week for getting into a fight with another kid. You know, it's funny that your son is in the seventh grade because that is right at that tipping point where fights aren't just, you know, headlocks and all of a sudden people are starting to, you know, hit puberty. All of a sudden they weigh over 100 pounds. They're a little more coordinated. They got 100, 110, 115. There's always that one big foot kid who's like 140 pounds. All of a sudden fights start getting there's like blood and shit, you know. So here we go. Seventh grade is seventh grade son just got suspended last week for getting into a fight with another kid. The fight was apparently over dispute during their gym class

where the other kid purposely threw a basketball at my son's head a few times when he wasn't looking. After repeated hits, my son somehow turned into a maniac, caught the other kid by surprise, tripped the kid on the ground and started wailing on the kid's face, breaking his nose. You know, you know what that is. That's that classic kid who's been picked on and all of a sudden he just fucking spazs us out. He's probably making those noises, punching him while crying. Remember that? Oh, that was always epic when the weak kid finally flipped out and beat the other kid down or at least just got a couple of good ones in before getting pounded himself. You know, good for him. That's that's the rid. That's the first belt like a lot of those martial

arts class. They have the white belt with what you walk in with, which is basically all you know about fighting is to get hit a couple times and then making that noise as you flail with both hands and feet. Right. So anyways, after repeated hits, my son, whatever we're made some of the other kids friends then jumped in okay in and fought my son off. My son unfortunately got a black guy from the friend's cheap shot. I don't think this is a bad thing, man. I mean, I think this is basically I think he did he did right by himself. He was getting picked on and now all the other kids are looking at him. And if he doesn't do anything, then he's saying, yeah, I'm the kid, you can throw a basketball at my head and I won't do anything about it. And then despite the fact that your kid

got a black guy in the end, I mean, all those other kids see like, wow, this kid, you know, broke this other kid's nose. And the only reason why he got a black guy is because it took a couple of the other kids friends to come in and sucker him right. So good for him. Good for him. That was his first like prison sort of experience, you know, and he did what he needed to do to not get assaulted further. So anyways, fast forward to later that afternoon, my wife and I were called into the school office where our son and the other boy with his parents were waiting. We had a conversation with the school counselor. During the conference, the other boys dad was extremely pissed off and literally wanted to sue me. Oh, Jesus. You know, isn't that amazing? It's

just people they love their kids so much, they can't even see where they they kind of got what they deserved. Anyways, he said, at least this is this guy's version of it. Anyways, he said, I was calm and I politely asked him to relax. At that point, this dad wanted to fight me. Once the counselor calmed the room down, this dad muttered under his breath while facing the counselor. He's lucky. He's lucky we're here or else I would hurt that son of a bitch. Oh, Jesus. I immediately responded with, what did you say? The dad didn't turn his glance away from the counselor but smirk and responded quietly saying, you heard me asshole. Oh, Jesus. I love when people see you're lucky. I didn't have to go home to my mom or else something

would have happened. I immediately lost it because I can't stand passive aggressive shit. I asked if he wanted to take it outside but he kept smiling and nodding his head. He then looked at his beaten up child and said, you see son, don't ever turn out like this asshole right here while pointing at me. Oh dude, right there. That just made me want to rip his throat out. Dude, you took the bait though, man. You took the fucking bait. He totally said that shit just to make you flip out. You know what this guy's like? This guy's like a Claude Lemieux except he can't make you win a cup. You know, he's basically doing that shit when the ref isn't looking and then you're retaliating and then he's making you look like a douche. So anyways, he goes, I immediately lost my shit

because I can't stand passive aggressive. My wife grabbed my arm and asked me to please sit back down. Your conference ended shortly after that and the two boys were suspended the next day for fighting. Yeah, in the future, sir, just like when someone is being passive aggressive, you just don't react to it. It's unbelievably hard and I don't know how to do it, but I'm really good about giving advice. I mean, now that I'm sitting here calmly as the Monday morning podcast quarterback here, you know, the second somebody's lucky we're in here, you know, that's, you can just be like just say to your son, oh, you hear that? We're lucky we're in here. I was this guy would have done something. Thank God this 140 pound guidance counselor on the other side of a desk is stopping

this guy from turning into a superhero. Whoo. I'm counting my lucky stars. Hey, thank God, there's carpeting on the floor. If this was just regular tile, I would be in trouble. That's it. I mean, just throw it right back at him. Just actually agree with what he's saying completely sarcastically that usually diffuses that kind of stuff. So anyways, the conference ended shortly afterwards and the two boys were suspended the next day for fighting. Since then, I now notice that that fucking dad and his kid every morning while dropping my kids off at school. I wouldn't care about a few days ago. I caught this prick telling his kid to stay away from that little piece of shit. And he was referring to my son. What is worse is that the baseball season is starting

up and I overheard my son telling his buddy that he and the other kid are on the same team. I need you help Bill. I just know this dad is going to start some shit during the some game or practice. I can only imagine my son striking out or dropping the ball and I hear that fucking guy saying something out loud. All right. This is the deal. This guy's so when you head at this point, like you're anticipating shit that he's going to do. All right. This is the deal. At the end of the day, your son kicked his son's ass. All right. So that's why this guy's acting like the bitch that he's acting like, because that's all he can say. All right. And if he was going to do something to you, he would have done something to you, but he doesn't because he's an adult and he doesn't want to get

sued. And you're not going to do anything to him because you don't want to get sued and you shouldn't. All right. So all he's doing is he's running his yap. So who gives a fuck. The great thing here is is if you don't take his bait and you just lay back or whatever, both those kids, your son and his son, they're going to be on the same team. They're going to work it out. How many fucking childhood friendships start that way? The first time you see each other, you hate each other, you duke it out. And then like fucking three days later, you're, you know, you're playing baseball together. This this is classic. They're probably going to become best of friends. This is one of these things where you have to do the hardest thing in life, which I feel

is one of the hardest things. Emotionally, I should say, is you got to be the bigger man. All right. Look at this guy's insecure as hell. Your son kicked his son's ass and you know, he's humiliated on some level, I guess. So now all he's trying to do is make you fucking mad and you're taking the bait. So in a way he's kind of winning. So just stop taking the bait. Let him say what the fuck he's going to say. You know, I don't know. I mean, I don't know. I don't know how to do it. Honestly, I'm not wired emotionally like that. I can easily tell you not to take the bait, but I have to admit if he said something to me, I would just be, I mean, I would have everything my power not to say, I'm sorry,

my son kicked your son's ass, but then you're talking shit for your son and then it becomes a problem. You just got to be the bigger man. All right. And I don't know. This whole fucking thing went off the rails. You both love your sons. Neither one of them, you want to see your kids get hurt. And this guy's acting like a fucking kid himself. And yeah, you got to be the bigger guy here. Oh, this one sucks, dude. I feel for you, man. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what to tell you. I can tell you a bunch of dumb things to do. You know, and you've already fantasized about them as you screamed at your windshield pretending you were talking to him as you fantasized about what catching him on the morning going out to get his newspaper

be like, how about now? Huh? You can kick my ass now, right? Want to do that and mush the fucking paper right down his throat? You know what? You guys got to stop sending me these stories because I've kind of lived vicariously through them and they like they really, they really bother me. That really fucking bothers me. You know what? I think it's a good time right now to talk about hockey, one of the great sports out there. And for all you people who say, why do they allow? Why do they let them fight? You know why they let them fight? So you can't have any douchebags like this in the league. People who get to act like the tough when they're really not, you know, because eventually you get yours. You know, Ty Domey eventually clocked

off Samuelson and I loved it. You know, Claude Delmieux eventually turtled, right? I actually think Claude was a tough guy. He just, that guy, I don't know. That guy is one of the guys I can never make my mind up about. I just thought he was such a fucking piece of shit. But God damn it, that son of a bitch was a winner. The guy won a cup on three different teams. He just can't, he's the only guy who played that way that I can give a pass to. Do you guys ever see that, that video when he was sitting on the, he's sitting on the bench and somebody got checked into the bench and the guy was like, you know, doubled over. So his head was, was over the boards in the opposing, basically opposing teams bench area and Claude Delmieux and in the other player

who's on the ice is leaning on him. So the guy can't get up and Claude Delmieux just looks down and when the represent looking, he just winds up and clocks this dude in the fucking head. It was one of the dirtiest. It was so dirty. You just laughed. It was just such a piece of shit fucking move, but there was something about him. The end of the day, the guy could play, put the fucking puck in the net. Who do you win it with? Avalanche Canadians, Canadians in 93. I want to say the Avalanche in 96 devils in 95 or 2000. I can't remember. Anyways, I feel for you, sir. I would just let the, let the kids hash it out. And if the guy says anything, just walk up to him, say, listen, dude, who's kidding? Who? We both

know if you were going to hit me, you would have by now. All right, you're not gonna. All right, so just let it go. That will probably spark something. Oh my God. I wouldn't be able to do it. If I was standing with me and somebody was saying that, if he, if he ran his mouth, I would just be like, I would be, oh, hey, that's that guy that said, I'm lucky. The guidance counselors here or else he'd be kicking my ass. Anybody here see that guidance counselor? Gee, how come he's not kicking my ass? What are you saying? No guidance counselor here. What's the matter? What's the matter? What am I lucky about now? What did that trees over there? Am I lucky that there's a tree there? Because if that tree wasn't there, you'd be kicking my ass. What are you going to say that

passive aggressive? You're going to keep stop. You're not going to look at me. Are you going to sit there? You know, maybe that's why your son's such a fucking bitch, throwing a basketball at my son's head. You know, he broke broke your kid's nose. You do realize that, don't you? Don't you? Why don't you sue me? You're fucking pussy. Sorry. At some point, I got to get the anger out. I got like angry about that. The fuck is wrong with me. Yeah, dude, you got to be the bigger man. You got to you got to be you got to be the bigger man. You got to be the bigger man. I don't know what you know what you should do whenever the guy talks shit. Just think about the fact that your son broke his son's nose and somehow try and convey that with the smile on your

face. Maybe you should say that. Just be Hey, listen, man, I just want to be friends. I just want you know, I'm concerned for you. How is your son's nose? Is he breathing properly again? Oh, that would be the dumb thing to do, sir. The proper the big thing to do is just to be the the bigger man. But oh my god. No, listen, don't don't anticipate him saying anything. I'm going to I'm willing to bet that they're going to end up being friends. And you know what? Coach your son. Tell him to be a good teammate. All right. Tell him to cheer nice and loudly and root for that other kid that he broke his nose. Tell him root for him when he's up at bat. All right. And when he gets a hit, tell him, you know, nice player, something like that. Okay, to the wonderment

and the magic of sports, they'll become friends. All right. And that'll be great. And then one day your son will go over their house and this and he'll have to actually be a nice guy looking at your son's right or left hand wondering which was the one that smashed his son's face. Who knows? And maybe in the end, you guys end up being friends. Who knows? Who knows? That's how it works out in sitcom land. Good luck with that, sir. That is a podcast for this week. Oh, I forgot to bring up the wonderful skate vendors.com guys. I cannot say enough about this product. If you play hockey and who likes taking a nice slap shot off the foot, I know I don't. How many times you gone out? You're all excited. You had a bad day at

work. Right? You're having problems with the girl. Maybe you don't have a girl, right? You got some aggression. You want to get it out. You get out in the ice and you're fucking two shifts out there. Somebody fucking nails you in the foot with the puck and the skate. And then you feel he got shot in the foot. You limp off and the whole night's over. The next day you got to limp into work. Sucks, right? Wouldn't it be great if somebody came up with some protection for your feet that was lighter than a goddamn sock and you wouldn't even notice when you wore it? Well, the people at skate vendors.com are excited to announce skate vendors. They fit right over the booty of skate and they're injected and molded of high grade, lightweight, impact resistant polycarbonates

that protect the feet of hockey players. It's effective in reducing painful, debilitating, impact injuries. They're convenient for players to put to put on and take off. Yeah, I've actually used these already and you can put them on and take them off in two seconds. You don't even notice that you're wearing them. They don't slow you down at all. All it does is make your foot not hurt when you get hit with the puck. I mean, you definitely know you got hit. I'm not going to lie to you. You definitely know you got hit, but like it feels like, you know, when it, you know, like somebody just took a little wrist shot and it hit your shin guard. You keep playing. You're a hockey player, right? Well, 19 out of the 30 teams in the NHL are using these things.

And for some reason it says, including the Detroit Red Wings, like as a Bruins fan, I'm supposed to like, you know, how about the Boston Bruins? I'm sure a couple people over there are using them. Anyways, they're affordable to all players at all levels. If you use the Bill Burr promo code, you'll get $5 off. Basically go to order them. It'll ask if you have a promo code and you type in my name, Bill Burr, all lowercase, no spaces. And you will get $5 off your, your scape fenders. And I'm going to tell you something. The first time you take a puck, and it hits one of those, those, those damn fenders, there's going to be a smile on your face. And you're going to be like, I can't believe I ever didn't wear these things. At least that's how I felt. And lastly,

Amazon.com. If you're thinking about buying anything on Amazon.com, not saying that you should, but if you're thinking about it, if you'd like to help me out, go to my website, BillBurr.com, click on the podcast page. You'll see right underneath the iTunes logo, you'll see the, what do you call it, the window? Whatever, you'll see the Amazon thing. Just go to Amazon through then, through, through that thing that you click on the banner, the Amazon banner on the pause catch page of my website. That's what I was trying to say. And then go there and buy something if you want to, if you do, they give me a little kickback and whatever I get, I take 10% of it and I give it to the Wounded Warriors Project, a great cause. You'll be helping out the podcast and even more

importantly, you'll be helping out the Wounded Warriors Project. And those of you in Canada and the UK, next week I'll have links on Amazon.com for fans in those countries and tell you what, why don't you guys give me some sort of charity over there? You know, up in Canada, what, what, what should I give money to the Starbucks that you burn down every time you don't win the Stanley Cup? Sorry, cheap shot or what over in Canada? How about I give to some group that wants to investigate the Rothschild family? Give me some sort of charity over there and we'll send them our worthless US dollars. How about that? All right, that's the podcast for this week. Let's see shows I have coming up shows. I'm on vacation until March the 30th. Well, when I will be at the DuPont Theater

in Wilmington, Delaware, March 31st, I'll be at the Music Hall in Troy, New York. They still have the Cloud Nine Titty Bar out there. Went to one of them. I went to that a long friggin' time ago. Good time. And on April 1st, I'll be at the Music Hall in Tarrytown, New York. Please, please, please, please come out to those shows and you'll see a little bit of my last hour and hopefully the first 10, 15 of my next hour. And once again, thanks to everybody who came out to my show at the Lincoln Theater in D.C. I had a great time. And that's it. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. Don't take any shit. Hope you continue to listen. And I really want to hear from that woman that wrote me that scathing email. All right, I want you to address women that do that, okay? And I

want to know why you feel as though I'm talking about all women when I'm clearly just talking about women who do that. And how that you feel that me making fun and calling women cunts who cheat on their husbands, have babies with other guys, and then make their husband pay for it. Why you think that if I say that they're cunts, that that somehow is the same thing as trashing black people, you know, who went through slavery. For the love of God, can you please bridge those two thoughts? Because I find that more confusing than how a plane gets off the ground and stays up there. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. BNB Premium Selection.