Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-17

Episode Date: March 6, 2017

Bill rambles about the Kobe 11s, country music and baloney sandwiches.

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2017, what's going on everybody? I am in Phoenix, Arizona Isn't that exciting? Phoenix, Arizona It actually is, man, I'm psyched, I'm working at Stand Up Live Doing two shows tonight, two shows Tuesday, two shows Wednesday I'm, you know, putting together my new hour and everything And I've got a bunch of shit, I've actually been listening to my act I always, you know, when I'm putting together a new hour

Oh, I always record, I just never fucking listen Well now, I'm finally listening to my act, I figured it out when I can do it Who the fuck wants to sit there and listen to yourself? What I'm doing is I listen to it on the car ride home You know, if I had a decent set, if I had a shitty set, what's the fucking point, you know what I mean? It's kind of like if you're always taping your team, right? But you only watch if they win, you know, I know people who do that shit They like know what the fuck happens before they watch it

And if they lose, they just don't even fucking watch So I've actually been watching that type of shit And speaking of which, your team went in and losing Oh, Freckles came in last night and I went to, the Phoenix Suns were playing my boss did Celtics So I decide, you know what, I'm going to go to that game, right? My 117th fucking franchise, professional home team I've, whatever, professional sports team that I've seen a home game of 100 and fucking 17 of these motherfuckers

I got 10 more to go I can't get out any 10 Every time I get to 10 and I'm like, oh, one more team I'll fucking, then I'll have nine left and somebody moves You know, I got down to 10 and I'm like, alright, the next one's going to get me down to nine And then the fucking Rams, the Rams move Back up to 11, right? So then I go see the Thunder and I'm thinking, alright, look man, I'm down, I'm down to fucking

I'm down to nine and I'm like, wait a minute Wait a minute I saw the New Jersey Nets, I never saw the Brooklyn Nets, so it's still 10 So I'm like, alright, next week, next week when I go see the Suns, I'll be down to nine teams left, right? So I'm sitting there watching the Suns and I'm like, Verzi, I'm down to single digits The fan slam is going down One of the loneliest accomplishments ever I guess if you went with a bunch of other people, I got to find the old pictures of me

At these stadiums, I swear to God, they're all like disposable camera pictures held by a stranger You know, when I was doing all these fucking gigs in the middle of nowhere and shit And I passed through the major cities and I would just go to a goddamn game Anyways, so last night I'm thinking, alright, I'm going to the Sun Celtics game I'll have nine teams left and I'm like, wait a minute, the fucking Chargers just moved to Los Angeles So in a month, I'm working in San Antonio and I'm going to a Spurs game Going to the fucking Spurs and then I think I'll finally be down to nine God forbid if the fucking Raiders don't move to Vegas after that

But anyways, I went to the Suns game, right? So I show up immediately, the club hooked us up with tickets, gave us great tickets We were sitting two rows behind the fucking, what do you call it in basketball? One of the nets, one of the goals, one of the backboards, right? Two rows back, so it's really three rows back because they got all the fucking camera, man But still, it's like great seats And I look down on the right and there's this guy just riding the refs in the first quarter And he really gives a shit

So I'm looking at Verzi and I'm just looking over going, look at this fucking guy, he's out of his mind There's a guy who gives a shit, this is a hardcore season ticket holder, man Look how much, you know, I'm laughing, like he's just, like, he knows the ref's names He's calling him out and all that shit and Verzi starts going, he goes, I bet that's the owner I'm like, nah, my owner wouldn't be sitting down, he wouldn't be yelling like that if he was the owner And he's like, well, Mark Cuban rides the refs like that, I gotta get the fuck out of here So finally, you know, I go, alright, man, I'm gonna look this guy up, right? So we look him up and it's the owner

I gotta tell you, Phoenix Sons, dude, you guys got a great fucking owner Robert Sarver is his name, man We ended up talking to him at the end of the game because I tweeted I was making fun of What's his face, his shoes, his sneakers, the fucking worst sneakers I've ever fucking seen Kelly Olinik The big white goof The seven-foot fucking pylon out there, right?

Celtics love that guy, he got so many goddamn minutes, maybe it's a road trip or whatever But dude, he had these fucking sneakers on I think Garo, your premium wore them in that fucking Super Bowl against the Redskins When he fucked up the field goal, dude, they looked like black football cleats from the early 70s The ugliest fucking things I've ever seen So of course, I tweeted about the thing, and I guess the owner's son was watching He goes, oh, he's probably sitting right next to you, blah, blah, blah, that's how I mean the guy But anyways, long story short, so I tweet about these fucking things

Making fun of the guy's sneakers, thinking obviously these have to be the worst fucking sneakers Without a doubt, even with the internet, even with Twitter, even with all of these fucking cons that are on social media Nobody can argue that these are the ugliest fucking sneakers ever, right? They were low-top fucking field goal kicker cleats from the fucking early 70s, right? And all these sneakerheads are like, you mean the Kobe 11s? I guess it's the Kobe Bryant sneaker And what, because it says Kobe on it, all of a sudden, the Kobe's? Dude, do you mean the Shaq 14s?

I fucking hate sneakerheads I fucking can't stand them, with the 5,000 fucking pairs of sneakers Taking them out of the box, showing them off on MTV Cribs and licking the soul So it's like, see, I never even wore these joints before Yeah, it can tell from your fucking mantits you never wore them before They're sneakers, why don't you go take a fucking walk in them? Burzi's a big sneakerhead I'll tell you, you know what is fucking overrated?

He's so fucking overrated, Jordans You know what I mean? I'm not saying they're not good looking, some of them Most of them are fucking ugly as shit And dude, the fucking mouth-breathing dopes Maybe that's what it is, the amount of fucking, oh jeez, I'm walking around now I'm walking, dude, the amount of fucking dopes that wear Jordans You know what it is about Jordans? You don't even have to fucking think You know what I mean? All you gotta do is get a pair of Jordans

You know everybody's gonna like them, oh yo are those the Sixes? Are those the Jordans Sixes? Dude, look at these Sixes I got them with the black, with the gold outline Yo, these sneakers are crazy, right? These sneakers are crazy These sneakers are crazy You know, I don't know, these fucking mouth-breathing morons with the goddamn sweatpants and their Jordans You know, Burzi's a big Jordan guy He loves Jordans, he's wearing a pair this week

They're fucking ugly as shit They're all black and then they've got like this white-walled tire thing down And just because it says Jordans, I'm gonna go, Paul goes, dude, check out these new Jordans You like them? I go, no, actually I don't And he can't understand, he goes, they're Jordans Dude, these are Jordan ones It's like dude, I don't give a fuck if they're Jordanite, I'm so sick of the numbers Dude, what's your favorite Jordans?

You like the Sevens, really? You like the Sevens? Now you gotta make sure that it just says Nike on the back If it has him on the back, then those aren't the real ones The Kobe 11s? Like what do you guys think? That if you fucking put them on, you're somehow gonna be able to dunk You're gonna score close to 80 points in a fucking NBA game because you're wearing Kobe's The Sedale 3-7s? I don't know, I don't understand

And if a fucking sneak is ugly, it's ugly, I don't give a shit I cannot fucking believe, if you guys have to go on and you have to look at a picture of those fucking sneakers They're like referee sneakers from the fucking early 80s It's just a black, low-top fucking slipper with the Nike swoosh on it Dude, you mean the Kobe 11s? Dude, the Kobe 11s are fucking crazy, they're crazy I'm telling you, you get yourself a fucking track suit and you put on a pair of those, dude, over Over, you go out to the club, people are like, are those the Sixes?

I just don't understand fucking basketball sneakers, okay? Some of them are good looking, some of them aren't They drive me up the fucking wall Paul Verzi is the funniest fucking human being I've ever met in my life He's one of these guys, I love him to death, but the shit that he likes, it's so... He likes obvious shit He'd be like, dude, you know what I like? You know what I like? I like amenities

It's like, really dude, you like getting extra shit? Extra comforting shit, that's amazing, you know, I never really thought about that I don't know, I have to think about this, do I like amenities? You know what I like, Paul? I like a lack thereof I like less than, like who would ever say that, dude, you know what, you know what? Dude, is there anything better than pizza? Is there anything better than a great slice of pizza? Dude, you know what I like? I like a bologna sandwich

Dude, a bologna sandwich with white American cheese and mustard dude Dude, the mustard puts it over the top It's crazy, it's a joke I mean, it's literally a joke I don't know It's like, does it even need to be said? Of course, it's a bologna sandwich Yeah, it fucking hits the spot Whole mainstream poly, dude, you know what I like?

You know what I like? I like a golden retriever Dude, you know what's crazy? A white picket fence Um, sorry I got to get him back on this podcast because I will Bartonik calls him Mr. Maxim Because everything that he likes, it's like, it's He likes what everybody likes, but then he's got this simplistic fucking great philosophy Where he'll be like, Bill, but Bill, what's wrong?

What's wrong with sweatpants? You know, and you can't argue with them I think, yeah, there's nothing wrong with it It's just, you know, the conversation is just like It just doesn't need to be, most of the conversation just doesn't even need to be had Dude, is there anything better than just walking around in sweatpants? Dude, you put on a pair of sweatpants with some Jordan threes? Over

Over Dude, what is better than having on a hoodie and a pair of Kobe 11s? You go to massage parlor and she's jerking your dick I mean, hey, hey, hey I mean, am I crazy? It's over It's a joke, it's a literally, it's a joke Alright, I'm sorry Fuck all you sneakerheads out there

God bless you with your little fucking hobby Or keeping your sneakers clean And, you know, fucking walking on your heels Anytime there's any sort of rubbish on the ground Grown fucking men just walking like a goddamn duck on their heels Hey, buddy, what the fuck you doing? I got on the sevens What is it, the first day of school?

Dude, you know what I love? You know what I love? Is there anything better than when it snows on Christmas? That's the type of shit he says It's like, no, yeah, that's great, Paul I think everybody's pretty much in agreement I don't even think Jewish people like if it snows on Christmas You know what I mean?

It probably adds to their Chinese food I don't like, who the fuck doesn't like a fresh blanket of snow? As long as it isn't a goddamn storm Dude, you know what I like? I like amenities Is there anything better than taking a steam? No, I mean, you know, that's also, that is a great thing That everyone is in agreement with You know what I like, dude? I like fresh air

Is there anything better than, like, non-polluted air when you breathe in? I mean, it's crazy, it's literally, it's a joke Jesus, I went on a fucking tangent there Oh my God, half a second, I thought the recorder wasn't recording I forgot my fucking microphone, so this might sound a little bit Dude, is there anything better than just laying in your bed and just waking up and doing your podcast? I mean, it's a joke, it's literally, it's a joke

You know, I have to look up these fucking sneakers How the fuck, Kobe Bryant, one of the greatest fucking top, what, two, three players of all time Individual players, teammate, he was a fucking nightmare You wait till that fucking confessional comes up Let me sit there, put in my password here Stupid Laker fans, I always chant MVP at the guy I hate that Celtic fans are chanting MVP at Isaiah Thomas, by the way It reminds me of Laker fans that were always, every time fucking Kobe stepped on the court

and did not pass the ball and scored 40 fucking points and they lose again And they, MVP Did you see him dunk on that guy and then they lost? Oh my God, he's unbelievable Maybe if we get 58 free agents in here and fucking fill Jackson, they can win a title MVP Alright, um, no, but he's still, he's wearing the Kobe's He's wearing the Kobe left, I have to look these fucking sneakers up

How ugly these goddamn things are And the fact that these fucking sneaker heads You mean the Kobe's? I mean the rep sneakers, those fucking cleats this guy's wearing He looks like fucking Ken Stabler out there Kobe 11, you cannot tell me that this fucking, the computer doesn't listen to you Oh my, those are fucking dancing slippers Jesus, at least he got the best, he got the best color

They come in pink, they come in red and white, they got a Miami Dolphin color Dude, those literally look like women's sneakers, like You should have like the low cut sock with the little ball on the back if you wear those fucking things And look, look, look at the ones, $130 I bet this, I bet, if I went on YouTube and I looked up Kobe 11's I bet there's some fucking asshole sitting there licking the fuck Who was the guy, Fat Joe did that In his MTV cribs, and he had like, checked these out, he's like the fucking Jordan 6's

And then he licked the bottom of them It's like dude, do you realize the sweatshop that those things were fucking made in? And you think those things didn't hit the ground in there, and God knows, they probably don't let, they probably Those people go to the bathroom at their fucking station And you're gonna lick the bottom of those goddamn sneakers They were in a hermetically sealed sneaker box Dude, they were in a cardboard box, and were shipped over here from the other side of the world I think I'll put my tongue on them

Alright, I'm gonna look this up, I'm gonna see if I can find that I'm gonna find a fucking video here, Kobe 11's Alright, I don't know why, but the first video that came up said Exploding Poo And a guy had shit on his face Now, I didn't think they did that type of stuff on fucking Kobe 11's Shoes, alright, and some asshole's gonna do a fucking review Nike Kobe 11 performance review

Dude, these are the ugliest fucking sneakers I've ever seen in my life These ones are actually worse Kobe Bryant gives LeBron James his autographed shoes God, what the fuck do they talk about other than winning championships That'd be like listening to fucking Superman and like fucking Batman talking Alright, Kobe gives away shoes to a fan Here's my shit all over the guy, he's like the nicest guy ever Kobe helps a busload of sick children

Get to the Staples Center by towing it with his own body And his Kobe 11's, alright, maybe I was wrong Nike Kobe, I gotta get off this fucking subject What am I, listen to some guy do a fucking review of the sneakers Nike Kobe 11 performance overview My initial thoughts, I fucking love you too Who gives a fuck, I guess you guys will listen to my thoughts But I'm just being a fucking moron

Anyways, let's get back to the goddamn game Alright, so Kelly O'Lennick's out there And his Kobe 11's dude, they were fucking crazy Dude, you get a seven foot white guy in Kobe 11's It's all, it's all I mean, the black guys are still gonna go right around him And have their nuts in his face when they dunk on him But I mean, his feet from the ankles down

It's over, it's gonna be, it's a joke, it's literally a joke Alright Anyways, so we watch this game The owner of the Suns is a fucking riot Totally, just watching him ride in the referees like old school guy You know, right down there on the court watching the game And you know, he's not about some luxury box or anything like that, right? So anyway, so we're watching the game

And the Celtics come out flat Which you knew they were gonna, you knew they were gonna Because they've just beat the Lakers Anytime, I'm telling this right now, gamblers Gamblers, anytime The, the, any Boston team, right? I would say the Bruins or the fucking Celtics Go on that West Coast trip

Okay, if you want to make some money Bet against them the day after they play Either the Clippers, the Kings or the Lakers Because they fucking go to LA And after the game, they all go out They bang a bunch of fucking brutes A bunch of fucking actresses or whatever the fuck it is they do And then the next game when they go to San Jose

Down to Anaheim, out to Phoenix, up to Portland Whatever the fuck they go next, there's always a let down So the Celtics come out flat The fucking Suns are all over them Whoever the guard was on the Suns was just as fast, it seems, as Isaiah So he was right up on them Frustrating the hell out of them Isaiah had, I think, four files in the first half

So we're watching the game and I'm just going like I fucking knew it I'm so excited to finally see this team I've been watching, seen almost every game of this year And they come out flat I'm like, oh man, am I really going to the fucking Hangover game? Ah, what do I give a shit? I got three fucking tickets

But still, you know, there's a bunch of Celtics fans there They're all going fucking nuts and everything We had like nothing to cheer about I think we were down by like ten after the first half And we just started chipping away, chipping away, chipping away The first half was ugly I mean, it was like a first quarter score With like four minutes to go

It was like 32-27, it seemed Maybe it was like six minutes to go So at the half, I think they were both in like the 40s I don't even remember And I said, Paul jokingly, I go, you watch They're both going to score over 100 They're going to heat up or whatever So of course they come out

Everybody starts hitting their shots It turns into this great game Um And then the fourth quarter comes And we start chipping away, chipping away, chipping away We're down by like ten or eleven And then we're down by eight Then we're down by five

And then we're down by four And next thing you know, we're up by like two So you guys all know how the fucking game ends, right? We fucking missed What's his face? Brown missed that foul shot And Isaiah missed the foul shot They would have fucking iced it

And we let them hang around, hang around Fucking hang around In the end, I can't remember who was tied We were up by one It all happened So you know, it happens so fucking fast When you're at the game And you don't have an announcer holding your hand

And you don't have something that you can actually look at There's too much shit to look at So we go to inbound the fucking ball Right? This guy goes around J Crowder I think tied it up We're like fuck, right? That's right, we were up by two

Instead of being up by three And foursome would take a three And they probably would have missed a fucking thing That's right And the guy goes right around Crowder Lays it in Crowds going nuts There's like four seconds left

They go, all right They're gonna try to get it to Isaiah Thomas Let's see what happens We fucking inbound the ball Isaiah One of the only times I've seen him Mess up this year Messed up the pass

He was kind of looking up court You know, because there's only four seconds left Before he caught the ball They kick it out to this fucking dude What the hell was his name? I actually wrote it down So I would give him The respect he deserves

Tyler Uless They kick it out to him And he hits a fucking three-pointer At the buzzer to beat the Celtics Now here's the thing I had second row fucking seats And guess what? I didn't even see the play

It happened on my end You know why? Because the fucking assholes Who were in the They're in the front fucking row They inbound the ball And they could see That, you know

Thomas was fucking it up They stand up You're in the front fucking row What are you standing up for? There's nothing in front of you You fucking cunts And all of a sudden I just saw the ball go through the net

And everybody goes And the horn goes off Everybody goes nuts I go, what the fuck? Does that count? Did that just go in? What the fuck just happened? I had to go home

To watch the replay To see what the fuck happened I was sitting in the second row I couldn't see it Because these fucking assholes Stood up in front of me I don't understand Standing up when nothing's in your way

Devon, you ever heard that expression? Why stand when you can sit? Why sit when you can lay down? Why stand up when you're In the front fucking row? What is blocking your goddamn view? Anyways Alright, I'm done fucking bitching here

I had a great time And evidently Kobe 11's Are fucking crazy, man You know? Dude, Chris Everett should wear that fucking sneaker That's what it looks like It looks like one of the different colored ones I like, you know

Do you know something? That is a testament to how great Kobe Bryant was You know, it's almost like He's so fucking good Nike was at the factory going like How fucking ugly do you think we could make a sneaker If we put your name on it These people that lick the bottom of the fucking sneaker

Will they still buy these goddamn things? You know what? Now that I'm looking at them Because I'm an old man They don't look like you'd play basketball great They look comfortable as hell As far as When they're in a different color, I guess

They look like slippers Now here's the thing I want to fucking ask you Kobe had that horrific Achilles Injury I swear to God, which is like That was the end of anybody's career That is like the classic

Old man basketball injury As you go to take a step and your fucking Achilles goes right up the back of your leg I mean, obviously I don't fucking play hoop at all But I still fucking I'm always stretching my fucking Achilles I swear to God, before I get out of bed I don't know what it is about that injury

I just know like five or six people that have had it And I want no part of it I want no fucking You never walk right again I mean, if you got Kobe's money You can go to Germany And meet the grandsons of the Nazi fucking doctors And they'll spin your fucking blood in a centrifuge

Whatever the fuck they do And then you come back And you can still dunk or whatever But most people don't have Kobe money So what's gonna happen is Is you're gonna go down to the veterinarian Down the street And he's gonna sew that thing back

And you're never gonna be That's it God help you If you're ever in a situation Where there's panic And the crowd starts running And it's a stampede And you've blown out your Achilles

At some point in your life You're gonna get trampled You know You're gonna be that zebra In the Serengeti That gets eaten by the fucking alligators Basically what's gonna happen But he has the low tops

I wonder Probably had nothing to do with it I'm just surprised guys Are wearing low top fucking sneakers again Like it's Because you know I don't pay attention to this shit I usually watch hockey, right?

And first he's going like No, no, no Kobe kind of brought the low tops back Everybody's wearing them So I looked out on the court And I saw a number of people with low tops So people still had like These high top sneakers on

But the amount of ones Like that they were like Velcro You know like a little kid He can't tie a sneaker So you have they had like Velcro on it And they had like Anti-sneakers

So you have they had like Velcro high tops With like a fucking belt Around your ankle And I was I don't know I don't know about those either You know it's hilarious

How arrogant I am That I actually think that The world cares What a 48 year old white guy Thinks about fucking sneakers Why don't you just get A pair of shell toes So anyways

We went to the goddamn game And We had a great fucking time Robert Sarver and his family are Great we met We met him briefly And just talked to him Just great people

Like that guy Dude If I was a Phoenix fan I would be very happy With that guy as an owner Even though I know you guys Are rebuilding That guy fucking loves his team

There's a lot of owners They don't give a shit You know they own a team So they can have hookers And blow up in a fucking suite Dude that guy He was It looked like he

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So I've been listening to a bunch Of fucking old school country Not all the way back to Hank Williams But like that outlaw shit You know Right before the outlaw shit Is George Jones considered outlaw? I don't know

But listening to him Led obviously To all of these other fucking guys Right? And I ended up listening I remember this song Do you guys remember Johnny Paycheck? Johnny Paycheck was this country singer

And I swear to God He had a hit song Called Take This Job and Shove It And it was such a fucking hit It so struck a chord with people That they actually turned it into a movie There was actually a movie Called Take This Job and Shove It

It was just a It was about a fucking guy Who was working in a job That he hated And he wanted to tell him You know Basically tell him to go fuck themselves But he didn't have the nerve

And I think it was because the lyric was Someday I'm gonna get the nerve to say it And everybody could relate to it Being like Hey, I also hate my fucking life And I wanna make a change But I don't know how to do it You know what I mean?

It's like the whole Donald Trump fucking phenomenon Not the informed people You know what I mean? I'm talking about the mouth breather You know what I mean? Like with Hillary Clinton You had the informed person That wanted to vote for her

And then you had the hissy fit fucking dope This will be great for women Like your life was really gonna fucking change I swear to God I just don't I don't understand adults You haven't fucking figured it out yet That you're on your own

Okay, playtime is over Nobody cares about you Okay I don't care what color they're fucking tired They're bra is They don't The level of money that you have to have And then you have to give it to these people

For you to even be on their radar You have to be going to these 10,000, 100,000, 50,000 All the fucking plate dinners with them And then you have to stand in a line of people That all paid that money Okay And you gotta get up there With your fucking shapeshifter fucking lizard eyeballs

And you gotta try to peer into their soul I didn't think you'd talk to them You just walk up with a napkin That says how much money you're gonna give to them And then you're on their fucking radar Has nothing to do with your genitalia Anyways So all the

Okay, so I'm getting off the rails here So this fucking guy Johnny Paycheck He's got this fucking song I'm gonna take this job and shove it It's the funniest fucking just There's no way to listen to this song And not fucking just be I played it for Paul Versey

He was crying, laughing He goes, this can't be a real song I go, dude, not only is it a real song I was turned into a movie Just the way he says shove it His voice drops way down He goes, take this job and shove it I ain't working here no more

My woman done laugh Took all the reasons I was working for These are the actual lyrics You better not try to stand in my way Cause I'm walking out the door You could take this job and shove it I ain't working here no more

Than this stupid bass line comes on Boop-a-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo And he gets all like kinda quiet You know when a redneck gets quiet You know, and starts talking, leans in It's fucking scary, you know Non-whities, even for white people That's fucking scary

There is nothing scarier than a redneck Leaning in at a bar Thinking that we're all on the same team That's some fucked up shit Cause you're immediately like I don't wanna do, I don't want any part Of what you're about ready to tell me, sir And I wanna try to get out of this

Conversation gracefully How do I dismount out of this fucking conversation The second, they own a fucking redneck Looks the opposite way of the conversation And then leans in, I'm telling you This should be like a fucking An injector seat on your bar stool To get you the fuck out of this

Where'd he go? Did I get left behind? So I swear to God, so when he gets into the verse, right It's like he's leaning in I've been working in this factory For now on 15 years All this time, I watch my woman Drowning in a pool of tears

You know, and what I love about all those old school Country songs is that fucking women always leave They're always crying or whatever But these fucking assholes, they never say why And whenever I listen to these songs, it's just like Dude, what the fuck were you doing? I get it, you're working at this factory You don't like the job

Why is your woman drowning in a pool of tears? Are you taking this fucking So you don't have the balls To try to get a better job Tell your boss to fuck off, so what happened? You come home, you take it out on your wife Is that what you're doing? I've had shit jobs

I've had low paying, for the first fucking, I don't know How many years I've been a comedian It was a low paying job I never had a girlfriend drowning in a pool of tears I mean, I definitely made him cry, but that's because I was an asshole, had nothing to do with my fuck I wouldn't blame my job I've been featuring on the road

For now on 16 years One of these days, anyways You just listen to the fucking song, you gotta hear this song You gotta... Johnny Paycheck I know I'm making fun of him, but I actually I don't know, there's something about this Fucking song that just gives me all kinds of ideas

For characters and shit like that In movies and whatever But I've been downloading George Jones George Jones, Tammy Wynette, all of these fucking people And I swear to God You gotta listen to George Jones These days These days, I barely get by

Is inadvertently one of the funniest fucking songs You're ever gonna listen to in your life I'm one of those friends that just calls up and complains all the time And you try to help them out and go, hey, well what if you do Nah, I can't do that, blah blah blah The fucking guy who's just resigned himself You know, hey, with my luck, this would... X, Y, and Z would happen, so I can't

With that fucking attitude, that's exactly what's gonna happen You know what I mean? I got a couple friends like that You're a white guy in the United States of America How far down the fucking track before the race starts That you have to be Jesus fucking Christ, how the fuck are you complaining? Complaining, I'm not saying that white people should not complain

I know there's a lot of people down and in the pool that tears One of these days I'm gonna get the... I'm gonna blow my top It's like, dude, why don't you just address the fact that you don't like your job Apply from some other jobs If you don't have the training, take some night courses You know, get the training you need Instead of sitting there seething

Coming home, taking it out on your fucking womb George Jones has another fucking song Called The Grand Tour I'm telling you, you gotta listen to these fucking songs, right? I listen to that song, it's like, George What in the fuck did you do to your woman? It's like, step right up Come on in

If you'd want to take the Grand Tour Of a lonely house that once was home, sweet home You're like, Jesus Christ And this motherfucker, he goes through his whole house Over there Is the chair Where should bring the paper to me And sit down on my knee

And whisper, oh, I love you And you're like, Jesus Christ Right there, you want to get out of the house This motherfucker won't stop Straight ahead Is the bed Where we lay in love on something Dude, he gets all the way to the nursery

You're like, oh, Jesus Christ And he goes, she took the fucking baby And the key thing in all of this Is he says, there's her rings and her things And it's like, this fucking woman Left all of her stuff and took the baby George, what the fuck did you do to her? This woman didn't leave you, she fled the fucking seat

There's some sort of detail, you're not fucking Giving me here Where are the empty booze bottles? I mean, what are you, what are you... I actually listened to that song I feel bad for the woman in his life Until I found out she left Then I actually felt good, yeah, get the fuck out of here

Get that kid out of there, tell me I'm supposed to feel bad for you? Sounds like you went out back to chop some wood And she just grabbed, she saw some daylight Somehow got the chains off around her fucking ankles Grab the kid and get the fuck out of there Anyways, let's read some... There's going to be some pure country fans

They're going to be like, you're missing the point, man Take this job and shove it I ain't working here no more Alright, pro flowers everybody Woman done left me My woman done left me Hey, Johnny Paycheck, come on It's just you and me, what did you do?

I imagine if she fucked around on you You would have mentioned it Alright, maybe I'm taking these fucking songs A little too seriously I have a problem with that Like when I listen to rap music, you know Like who's that new group that everybody's... Me goes

When I watch their videos and shit And they're coming up in those supercars And they're holding the fucking money out It just, it literally, I have to look in the other direction It just drives me nuts seeing artists doing that I just, I'm always thinking in my head Please, please buy some real estate Please don't blow it all on fucking Kobe 11s

Oh my god Dude, watching artists, watching people who don't understand money I guess, but I would say artists, you know The shit that we fucking do, it's just the dumbest You know it's another stupid fucking thing I love these people that buy watches that are like It's like, dude, that thing, you could hang that on the fucking wall I'd know what time it was from across the room

Why do you have that on your wrist? The amount of guys that are like my height and my size Walking around with a watch that only would look right On like a fucking offensive lineman is... It's like, did you take that out of a submarine? Is that like deep sea scuba diving shit? So you can fucking go down to like what, 9,000 feet? With the goddamn dial on bust on it?

I got me a big old watch People in a different time zone can tell what time it is Take this watch and shove it All right, pro flowers everybody Have you ever forgotten your anniversary? If you're not nodding, yes, you're lying Jesus Christ, what the fuck is this? I don't forget my anniversary

I'm not gonna lie to you, it definitely sneaks up on me Well, I'll be off, fuck it's in two days What can I get her? What can I get her? I don't have time, maybe I'll get her some fucking flowers You know those people that are just hard to shop for Like your wife for your anniversary or your sister for her birthday It's just the worst trying to find that gift A, you don't know, you don't know

I think that's supposed to say what You don't know what they'll like And B, what? It's just the worst trying to, okay It's just the worst trying to find a gift that A You know they'll like and B won't cost an arm and a leg Well, I'm gonna make it easy for you Pro flowers is my go-to for flowers

It's actually a flower store down the street That's my fucking go-to I hate the internet You know, I'll go on there and I'll try to click on something And next thing you know, they either won't go through Although I'll have enough fucking funerals to re- I'll have enough fucking flowers to rebury Elvis That's what I was trying to say there

I just started picturing his funeral Anyways, pro flowers is my go-to for flowers They're fresh, price right, and a perfect gift for literally anyone Oh yeah, get one for your guy, friends That's a fucking hilarious gift If you just want to freak out one of your fucking friends Just get her some flowers and have the car just say Thinking of you and then you write in parentheses, smile

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Anytime when you want to want her to feel special If you don't want your woman, my woman done left me So I got some pro flowers Planted them in her twat They take care of all the details Do yourself a favor and help out the show by supporting pro flowers I know you have either a birthday or your anniversary coming up Well, everybody does if you wait long enough

So right now, get ten dollars off your purchases for twenty-nine dollars or more At pro flowers, but this deal definitely won't last long Just go to proflowers.com and enter the code BIR And check out to get this special deal I was wondering why they were going to be advertising flowers this time of year I was like, when are you going to get it for fucking Easter? Get some Ash Wednesday flowers? Why are they advertising it?

Because you know what? They probably hit their maximum appeal They probably hit their maximum fucking... I just realized there's probably somebody sleeping on the other side I mean, I'm waking them up with my fucking Johnny Paycheck singing Let me get over here Anyways, so they're probably like, well, how can we get people to fucking buy flowers all year round? How can we create a need?

Well, everybody's got an anniversary Everybody's got a birthday, right? Hey, I like the way you're thinking Carl We could sell flowers the whole year round All right, stamps.com everybody Avoid the hassle man of the post office And mail everything from postcards to envelopes to packages Domestic or international

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Now that I've got my daughter My daughter done left me Took all the reasons Okay, right now you two can enjoy the stamps service with a special offer that includes a four-week trial Plus postage and a digital scale without a long-term commitment Go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage And type in burr, that's stamps.com enter burr Alright, I'm getting up against it here

You know what I'm doing today by the way? I'm going to go see oh, Clio Dio! I'm going to see my dog Clio The people that ended up getting her from us live out here So I'm actually going to get to see her I'm visiting her today and tomorrow And I can't wait to see her and everything She's probably not even going to give a shit

Because she's probably going to be so in love with the other people Because I kind of realized that going well She was in love with the people that had her before us And within a week she fucking loved us I mean dogs just they adapt They just fucking adapt So I got another five minutes here And then I got to take off

So I got time for like one question here Let me see Let me get a good one here Alrighty Hey, dictator Bill I'm 19 years old And I've been with my girlfriend Well my dog left

I'm with my girlfriend Well my dog left I'm with my girlfriend now for two years I know what you're thinking Too young for all these silly problems That's not what I'm thinking I'm thinking good for you Way to go

Way to go fellow Anyway For the first year of our relationship Literally everything was perfect I still love her just as much as I did then I'm sure she loves me just as much However, during the second year of our relationship Relationship and overnight shift changed

And then we stopped having sex It's basically non-existent And now and again every couple of months It will happen But I know she's not enjoying it This is because she was on the implant Contraception injection At first I was questioning myself

And if it was me That wasn't getting her in the mood anymore But she promises me that it isn't because of the implant She says it's What the fuck is a contraception injection? Jesus, I never heard of that shit It's an injection, so you won't get pregnant? Dude, if you literally told me contraception

Actually meant it's gonna get you pregnant I would believe that too That's like one of those fucking words That I just ignored my whole life You know, like soliloquy Like what the fuck does that mean, you know? Contraception implant Official site, get the facts

Fuck that, I don't want facts I want pictures, images Okay, they're showing it that it's nice and small There's some reason they keep putting it up Against their bicep They stick it in your fucking arm What? This looks like some fucking robot shit

Okay, it's birth control implant They stick a fucking toothpick in your arm And then you can't have a baby I don't get it, anyways Well, yeah, that's probably fucking annoying To have it in there You know what I mean? She goes to hug you and the inside of her arm hurts

Anyways, after the first I was questioning myself She says that it has caused her to completely lose her sex drive She just had it removed And it's been a few weeks since And nothing has changed yet I feel so much resentment towards her every day And what I can only describe as depression As soon as I see her most of the time

I find myself being such an angry, short tempered person now When normally I'm usually happy and smiling Ah, Jesus It might be time to get out of this relationship, buddy But you know something, if it really affected her like that It depends on how long she had it in there Maybe she needs longer than two weeks But you know, if you're gonna be an angry lunatic

I mean, if you don't leave, eventually she's gonna But you know what? You get yourself a song on it A woman done put a toothpick in her arm Now she won't suck my dick One of these days I'm gonna whip it out And wipe it on the wall You can take my dick and shove it

Roddy in your fuckin' mouth, your whore But do-do-do-do-do Okay, I always seem to try and hide my need for sex And act like I don't ever want it And try to show disinterest But I never can I guess it just must be more important to me than it is to her I never thought sex was such a big deal

But the last year has taught me That when there's bad sex life in a relationship It can really cause the whole thing to just break down It just got to the point now that I've said we need some space And a break, because the last thing I want Is to ruin our relationship Dude, you're fuckin' miserable, man And you have to, you have to, you know

You gotta be with somebody and like understand them And you know, be there when they're going through a tough time But like, you know, if they're not understanding How fuckin' miserable you are You're just gonna keep getting more miserable And then, you know, then they're gonna be miserable And then in the end, they're gonna fuckin' break up with you And you're gonna be like, what the fuck, I should have done that to them

Breaking up with somebody is not something you should do to them It's something you should do for yourself Alright? And this is the deal, dude You're not fuckin' happy, alright? You're not happy It's great that you're taking a fuckin' break And I would go out and I'd fuckin' go try to enjoy myself

And meet somebody that doesn't have a fuckin' toothpick in their arm That doesn't want to touch my dick, you know I mean, that's just getting down to brass tacks here That's what's going on, right? They stuck that shit in her and now you can't stick your shit in her So I mean, you gotta get the fuck out I'd get out You're young, dude, you're 19

What, are you gonna marry her? What, are you in the military? People in the military get married when they're 19, you know? My woman don left That's what you do It just sounds like You sound like you need like a long time away from each other The way that was read, dude

That sounded like a fuckin' 40-year-old guy wrote that in your 19 So that's kind of a good sign that maybe you should get the fuck out Who knows? But I would not say anything mean I would not, and I just, you know You want to be able to see the person again And not get a glass to the head, you know what I mean? That's kind of what you're going for

So the art form is you just tell them how you're feeling You know? I'm just not happy I'm sorry, that's just how I feel I'm just not happy And I'm finding myself less and less happy and It's affecting my moods Everything you just said

And I'm finding that I'm getting angry And I don't want to be angry around you And create any misery in your life So as much as this is gonna hurt you I'm walking out the door You can take this relationship and shove it That's it, then walk out the door You know?

And you'll probably walk out that door And you'll be sad a little bit And you'll walk a little more Then you start skipping And then you're running down the street Yeah! You know? Might be one of those breakups

Or it could be the one Oh, why did I do it? I don't fucking know But you're 19 You know, if you got the whole You got your whole fucking life ahead of you You don't need to be in this This sounds like you're fucking married

I'd get out All right, that's it Okay, and that's the fucking podcast for this week Go fuck yourselves I will check in on you On On Thursday And that's it

I'll let you know how Seeing old Cleo the next couple of days is Which is gonna be fucking awesome And it's also, you know what? I'm psyched that, you know We got a cool family And You know, I think I'll come out to Phoenix

A couple times a year You know, do a run of shows Like I'm doing here Go to a game or something like that I'll hang with the dog It's kinda nice, you know? All right, that's it I'll talk to you guys on Thursday

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