Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-6-23

Episode Date: March 6, 2023

Bill rambles about going to a college hoops game, computer settings, and hot tubs. Tour Dates:  www.billburr.com/TOUR Indochino: Go to www.Indochino.com and use code BURR to get 10% off any purchase of $399 or more.  Stamps.com:  Sign up with promo code BURR for a special offer that includes a 4-week trial, plus free postage, and a free digital scale. www.stamps.com

Hey, what's going on man? What's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, March 6th, 2023. What's going on? How are ya? Um, you know what's weird? I was writing something and the song, the fucking word ended in T-I-O-N and I just never got that song out of my head. It was on the electric company. T-I-O-N. T-I-O-N. T-I-O-N. T-I-O-N. T-I-O-N. T-I-O-N. T-I-O-N. That has been in my head for 50 fucking years and I finally decided to look it up and listen. You think I'm lying? T-I-O-N. T-I-O-N. T-I-O-N. T-I-O-N. Put a dash between all those letters and put electric company after that and you'll find it. Uploaded by Charles Bradley II. Thank you for doing that. T, and you know what's

funny is that no comments, no one has commented on this. Comments don't deactivate, oh he deactivated the fucking, it has 23,900 fucking views. That means 23,050 something year olds had that fucking song in their head and they're like, I wonder if somebody opened it, uploaded it. Did somebody open it up on that internet? Did somebody upload it? T-I-O-N. Man fuck it's got a, it's got a groove to it, right? It's all real people playing on it. You know, some chick with a big ass and a tambourine somewhere, there's always some chick with a big ass and a fucking tambourine back then, you know doing that thing fucking head side to side and coming up on her hand and then down on her fucking, it's sort of a hip but also her ass, but it

was mostly her hip so they could still show it on CBS NBC or ABC. You wouldn't know it but I'm not drinking coffee and I got energy, we got to find ourselves a new kind, fucking shut it. Yeah I've been working out, oh Billy Beefcake, beefcake. The last like two months straight, I've been working out, I've been doing what I need to do, I've been doing, you know what I did, I bought that Suzanne Summers fucking thymaster and I've just been doing that and I gotta tell you something, I have some shapely pasty freckled thighs right now and I'm very happy with them and I probably, I'm not supposed to say this but I'm gonna say it, they're actually rebooting Charlie's Angels and Charlie is gonna be played

by Charlize Theron and then the three chicks are gonna be dudes, they're totally rebooting it, they're putting the woman in the power position plus she doesn't have time to do the show so she just wants to do the voiceover. I get to be, whoever has the Mustang too, that's the one I'm gonna be. You know what's funny, you could probably pitch that show and actually get it made, you know, as long as you had Charlize attached. This fucking god damn heat. All of this stuff, all of this stuff, what fucking drives me nuts about it, is I know it's like a simple solution, it was like the last time I was fucking doing my podcast and I was fucking annoyed, you know, my, my, the great Andrew Thymalus was able to talk me off the fucking ledge,

like one of those guys back in the day with the bullhorns, did that actually exist? Every time there was a cop show, they always had a potential jumper. You know that was just to fill up time, like Jesus Christ, I mean they used to do like fucking 30 episodes hour long, how do we fill it up? That's what kills me about those Law and Order shows, how do they keep fucking, how do they keep coming up with ideas? There's only so many crimes, those fucking shows have been on for 30 years. I don't know how they, I just, I just blows my fucking, there's another flasher and he's got crack 2.0 and he's dealing it in the city, bo bo bo bo bo, be dee dee dee dee, this guy's that have been on that show longer than an actual police career. It's like the new Mash, remember like

Mash was longer than the actual fucking war? No Bill, we don't remember Mash, it went off the air 40 years ago. That's gonna be in your fucking head. They even knew it back then, I remember I had a teacher in first grade and she says to me, she says to me, red, you with the orange hair and no hope, all hope gone already, you look like a future comedian to me there freckles. She goes look up at the sky, look how blue that sky is, there might be a day when that doesn't happen anymore. She said that to me and I'm just, she didn't really say to me, she said it to the whole class by you know, like Jordan, I took it personal. I thought she was talking to me and I was thinking like, well I hope the blue skies

don't go away. Oh little Billy freckles was looking up at the fucking sky in the early 70s, thinking someday there'd be no blue sky, you know, you know what kills me is they already fucking knew that shit. They knew about global warming and all that in the late 1950s and they're still not doing shit about it. There was some lady, lady, I fucked you and then I didn't call you because I was on cocaine. I woke up, I missed you and I decided to call, is that a little lyrics go to that? I never heard that whole song. Lady, the sensitive side of Kenny Rogers when he's not killing the world with his fried chicken. He was kind of really was the real Colonel Sanders, huh? You know, that's how he died. He was eating his own, he ate the last bucket of Kenny Rogers chicken.

I'm sorry. What, you think I don't have the gambler on my phone? Everybody does. You got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, know when to run. You never shave your beard and keep that fucking long hair and don't you fucking die or all the country folks will know you're a phony. Do you guys believe in that shit where like if a man dies his hair, you can't trust him? I remember reading that a long time ago. A guy dies his hair, you can't trust him. I think I got that solved. Anyway, this is the podcast. If you're new to it, welcome. Thanks for tuning in. What are you doing? Are you on an elliptical? All right, you can do it. This guy kept yelling at the other

night. Last night, I had one of the best times at a sporting event I've had in years. I went to a college basketball game. Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. Whatever those fucking calls college sound so it's all like that, right? I went to USC. I went to USC versus Arizona. I don't know why I'm so fucking amped up. I just worked out to it's probably the endorphins you know, when you work out, you're not a doctor. Shut up. These fucking people, these Instagram doctors shut you fucking goddamn pie holes. Instagram doctors and life coaches, you know, just stick them in a car, you know, one of those self driving cars and just send it right off the end of the pier. No, then you would be polluting the ocean tea. Oh, and I feel like I'm extra annoying

this week. I'm so I feel like anybody who has this on speaker right now, their wife or girlfriend is like, Oh, God, how can you listen to this guy? He's so fucking in there. Piped out lady, go make him a sandwich. Anyway, I'm kidding. This is believe it or not, this is sober bill the first if you're new to the podcast the first 10 days of every month, I don't do shit. I just shut it off. You know, it includes any emotion I have for people around me. No, I no coffee, no fucking cigars, no sugar. And I shut it the fuck down. I just flipped the switch. That's it. I'm like that guy in Sharky's machine, right? I just bring the antenna down. And I swear to God, like he was still fucking looking at me and I walked right out the goddamn room, improvising, improvising.

Anyway, I've been doing really good at that. And last night, I went to like as I mentioned, like I mentioned, I went to USC versus Arizona basketball game. And it was like, Oh my God, this is the this is the sporting experience that I remembered. There wasn't a DJ playing music throughout like while they were playing. It was amazing. And he was really like didn't interfere with the game. In the second half, I felt like he was trying to get the crowd amped up. And I think more than even just how loud they play and how much they they're playing while the game is going on. What really drives me up the fucking wall is they're they don't play to what's going on in the game. The whole time they're acting like in two minutes, they're playing

music like in two minutes, your team's going to win the championship. And if you're watching an exciting game, I guess that works. But when you're watching a dog shit game, you know, and both teams aren't playing well. I mean, they played for five minutes and the score was like four to four. I mean, it was sloppy. And ended up being a great game. But it was sloppy. I'll tell you right now, it was a fucking mess, right? It was a sloppy as fucking game. And the DJ is going, everybody clap your hands. It's like, buddy, I'm not clapping for this shit. All right, I'm looking at both head coaches trying to I'm trying to bet who's going to throw a clipboard first. Right. But anyway, fortunately, the DJ was cool. He underplayed.

I like the first half better than the second half. Second half, I thought, you know, every fucking stop at your play, they still have to go to some jerk off in the fucking stands. It's like, I didn't come here to see that. But it was way better than when I went to the Lakers, Milwaukee Bucks, where the DJ played at like on 11 for the entire game. And I'm kind of sold on college basketball. I absolutely fucking loved it. And I'd never been to that arena. It was fantastic, perfect size, 10,000 seat arena, not a bad seat in the fucking house. Great people. I saw a great game came right down to the last possession. They, I can't remember if USC won by two or three. Think if the guy hit the three pointer, it would have gone into overtime. But it

was, uh, yeah, it was a fucking great time. Although we did have to change our seats. You know, I don't want to body shame anybody, but like we sat down in the fucking body odor. I swear to God, it was like a smell like a boxing gym. Right. And I was just like, who the fuck? I thought it was my buddy I went with. I was like, Jesus Christ, never known him to smell like it just smelled like a dude. You just thought there's some dude in here that just got done fucking, you know, he went the full 15, not 12 went 15 fucking rounds and it ended up being the lady in front of us who wasn't even wearing a shirt really. It was like a spaghetti strap, half shirt with her pits out. And God damn am I happy they didn't do the fucking wave at any point during that game. It was so bad

for the second half. We sat like 30 rows back. We found some empty seats. There's just no way to tell a woman that she stinks. You know what I mean? I'm not saying you stink at what you do, but God damn it lady. God damn it. I mean, if you're not going to wear deodorant, I get it. You don't want to get Alzheimer's later on in life, but have a fucking hat and put on a shirt with some sleeves. You know? It was fucking. I mean, I look like Maverick in Top Gun when he has that fucking oxygen mask. I just had my t-shirt up over my nose. It was fucking, it was yeah. It was like spend a night in jail. It was just there.

It was almost visible, that BO. I wonder what you would be, what would happen if you actually had like that old school deodorant spray. And she was a little thing too. So she kind of had her arms like at 90 degrees on the fucking armrest or little elbows could reach the armrest, which of course opened the pits. And you know, it was like she was marking her territory. Bill, you going to get off the subject? I'm not. I smelt it for fucking 20 college minutes. That's what's funny about when you go to see something live. There's always going to be something. I literally sat down. I was like, oh my God, they got the school band. They got the student section. There's that excitement. There's youth, man. They got hope. Their whole lives are ahead of them. They're fucking they and they studied

in high school or their parents photoshopped their heads onto somebody rowing a boat. But they're there, man, at one of the top universities. And they know that this is the best four fucking years of their goddamn life. And that energy's there. And you sit down, you're like, oh my God, these are great seats. And what always happens? The universe has to balance it out. A cute little fucking so and so in front of us couldn't have weighed more than 80 fucking pounds with BO that could have knocked over a fucking horse. That's just how it works. If that place was a dump and the band wasn't there and it absolutely sucked, it would have smelled like Febreze in there, which makes no sense because it's a dump. You know what I mean? Something would happen. They would have like the

best fucking hot dog you ever had. There's always going to be something to fucking balance it out. By the way, I watched another movie. I'm trying to watch all the Oscar nominated movies. So I did I mentioned I saw triangle is sadness. Woody Harrelson, one of my favorites just fucking kills it all the time. And I wish I knew the actor's name, the guy who plays, he plays this Russian billionaire. And he is just the two of them together. Just fucking amazing. I would I would go see it again just to watch that that interaction and also like this. I don't want to run. There's another scene too. That's there's a bunch of scenes. Fucking great movie. All right, two freckled thumbs up. Go see that at

the cinema, right? And then I saw I saw Kate Blanchett. I think it's called tar. It's spelled T. A. R. But it has one of those little fucking things on top of it. So I don't know if it's T. A. R. But I watched that and it made me want to quit show business. I was just like, how the fuck do you write us this? Somebody wrote all of that? She memorized all of that? It's just unbelievable, unbelievable fucking movie. I don't know how to talk about movies without ruining them. She's always amazing. She's always amazing. But the fucking writing in that movie, god damn. I was just trying to picture it on the page. Like, how long is this fucking scene? And it's and it's not dying. It's it's soaring. It was amazing. So I've seen two great movies. I want to see that

that Irish one that Colin Farrell's in. I want to see all quiet on the western front. What else is there? Women are talking. I could guarantee you, Nia's not going to watch that with me. I can guarantee you that one. Anyway, I got to watch Chris Rock's new special. I was at the game the night his special was he did it live. And I heard nothing but rave reviews from every comic that I love. So I got to check that out. It's on Netflix now streaming now. He did it live, which I think is fucking the balls that that takes. And then also, you know what's amazing

about that? No editing. It's over. You do it. It's done. There you go. You don't have to do that awful thing. We now we're going to sit down and watch an hour in 10 minutes of you. I'm sure you're making good decisions. No, you should, you should look at it. No, no, no. We want, we're very proud. No, it's good. It's good. You should sit down. I don't want to watch it. No, but you have to. You have to, you have to sit down and you have to watch this. He doesn't have to do any of that, which I'm not going to lie to you. I'm envious of that. Envious of that. Anyway, so it's always great for stand up. When one of the greatest of all time comes out and puts a fucking, you know,

giant special out there that everybody fucking loves. That's, that's always, that's good for everybody. It's good for everybody. So what's that thing back in the day? Thanks to you, it works for all of us. The United Way. No, that sounds too fucking. Yeah, thanks to you. Everything's fucked up. Or maybe it's my tone. Let me try to do a better tone. Thanks to you, it works for all of us. The United Way. Wow, who the fuck was that guy? Is that who I was supposed to be for all the fucking bullshit happening? Oh my God, I gotta, I gotta do that guy. If I did, if I acted like that, which is what my wife thinks she wants me to be like, if I just acted like that around the house,

that would just fucking freak her out. Good morning, honey. Would you like some eggs? She would immediately be like, what are you doing? Stop doing that. You're freaking me out. Then I go back to how I am and she'd be like, you need to stop doing that. Why do I always act like she's a pain in the ass? She isn't. She's the best fucking thing that ever happened to me. All right. Maybe I'm just scared of losing you. All right, let's get to the, why did I close this fucking thing? Oh, Billy crack cone and I don't care. So yeah, so I've been working out, you know, doing it all natural, man. I'm going to do it all natural. And then I'm just going to,

I'm going to take some fucking Lyle L Zato level steroids and just, just, I'm going to get one of these fucking Marvel movies. It's got to be a superhero left. Huh? Do they have albino, man? Why didn't they give it to a real albino? No, I understand. I understand that he's a ginger. And he's almost there, but still all that makeup they had to use to paint out his freckles. Just think when he washes it off in the shower, what that does to the environment. How about the Bruins? They went like eight or nine in a row and I'm missing all of it. I'm just too fucking busy because, you know what? Because I'm a good father. How about that? Before you say I don't care anymore. My son wants to play drums every day.

Da da, da da, boom, boom, bap, boom, boom, bap. That is truck. That is truck. So I can do that every day. Every day he plays drums and then I get my ride in my truck and my daughter out of nowhere told me that she wants to be an artist and now she's drawing every day. She loves to read. It's amazing. It's amazing. Anyway, yeah, Bruins beat the Rangers. I watched the second period of that game. Rangers, very underrated, like great uniforms. I like those red pants. Who the fuck would ever think you'd have red pants with the blue? Who would put blue and red together and those colors? You wouldn't think it looks good, but it looks great. It's a classic uniform and, you know, I know they fucked with it one time

where they sort of had like, I always felt that one with like, when they had the Statue of Liberty's face on it. For some reason, it reminded me of Tina Turner in that movie, Tommy, you know, when he's fucking tripping on acid or something and she's fucking yelling in his face and shit. I don't know why. Anyway, where am I going here from here? Yeah, I've been playing a lot of drums because my son goes out there every day. I'm like, yeah, man, I gotta fucking, I gotta play some more. This kid's going to catch up and pass me. So I've been playing a bunch of drums to the point, you know, I started fucking around, you know, every once in a while, a buddy of mine has

an album he's putting out and I listened to it. It was fucking amazing. And it made me want to play some more double bass because he had some like, you know, some Vinny Paul kind of those roughs into the singles. I was like, I want to do that. I want to go home and go. Sorry. When I had a good time with that, oh, I gotta tell you this fucking thing I saw the other day, right? So I don't know what the fuck I was doing. I drove by this coffee shop and I see this big, long fucking line, big, long fucking line. I don't know why I said it like that. Big, long fucking line, right down the street. And all I was thinking was like, ah, thank God,

I'm not drinking coffee this time of the month or I'd be standing in that line, you know. So why does it fucking do that? How do I shut it off and get it to stop fucking doing that? Every time I have, I have a, I'm sure it's in the settings. Go into settings, scroll down to general, click on general. What kind of Mac do you have? I don't know. An obsolete one. I know, I don't, you know, I don't know why they do that. Well, why would you work for the country, the country? Why would you work for the company then? If you know that's what they do. You know, last time I did the podcast, I talked about how I was going to get rid of all my cigars and all these fucking books on my bookshelf that I'm done and I'm never going to look back at

and I haven't done anything, but I'm going to do it. I said I was going to do it. God damn it, I'm going to do it. Does anybody want a, I have a Rosetta Stone. Is there anybody out there over the age of 50 and still has a, what is that, a hard drive? Oh, is this fucking thing just going to ring the whole time? You cunt. Oh God. No, no, no, no, no, no. This is the new me. Okay. There has to be a way to shut this off. Let's, let's see if I can do it right in front of you guys, right in front of you on this thing. All right. Okay. So I want to do settings. What would you say I would click on? Desktop, doc, displays, wallpaper, screens, heavy battery, long thing. Is there, is there something I can click on that says sounds, annoying sounds? Let's go into general.

The general. Oh, those are the worst commercials on the fucking internet about software storage, airdrop, long and times, language, date, time, sharing, time machine. I got a time machine on this fucking thing. Transfer or reset startup disk. Yeah, I don't know how to do this. Screen saver, battery, wallpaper. None of this looks like the answer, password, internet, game center. There's so many nerds out there right now just going wallpaper, going to the wallpaper section, desktop and doc. Okay, portion on the screen, minimize, minimize any menu bar. I'm sure I could Google it. Yeah, you know what, I'll Google it. Anyway, getting back. So I'm driving on the street and there's this big long line of fucking people

just standing there waiting to get their fix. You know that bean juice, right? You walk in, you smell it, wakes you up a little bit. You know, maybe you're excited to be woken up. Maybe you don't really want to be woken up. You know, the people who don't drink coffee is it because they're so sad and they don't want to be awake during the day. Is that what it is? I don't know. Maybe they just take naps. Anyway, 400th time trying to tell the story. I'm driving up the street, this big long line at the coffee joint. And as I go by, I see this guy. I don't know if he was drinking coffee or waiting. Let's just say you had his coffee, he had a coffee in his hand and he's looking at his phone. All right, and up top, he, you know, he looked like he worked for

the town. Big fucking head, full head of that fucking hair, you know, where you're just like, you don't even need that hair. You're not in show business, you're not in politics, right? You're not the town quarterback, you work for the fuck, you ever see like homeless people, homeless people generally speaking, great hair, great fucking hair, you know? You know why? They got no stress, they got no bills. Then he's got like the fucking Chicago cop mustache, right? Big fucking chest. And one of those, one of those fucking jackets, those cart right jackets, car heart, car heart jacket, is that what they called? That's what he is from the top of the head to the waist down. He looks like he was on the Chicago

fucking police force, you know, for a full fucking career, right? 25 years. And then from the waist down, he had on a white pleated tennis skirt, like mini skirt, with little Chris Everett, like white sneakers and socks. And just standing there like he wasn't doing it. And no one was looking at him. I started laughing and then had immediately had like a coughing fit. Not because I don't think that he should be able to do that, you know, so I'm on the right side of history. I started laughing because everyone is sitting there acting like what the fuck he's doing isn't a what the fuck moment. I think 100% you should be able to do it. I'm glad he did it. All right. But you should be able to be, you know,

there wasn't one person, I mean, I drove by it, but there wasn't one person that kind of looked and then you know, you do that thing where you sort of walk into a tree because you're being polite. All right. Let me tell you something before you get all fucking sensitive. Everybody's been that person. Everybody's been that person, you know, one time, one time, uh, somebody I know was buying weed. It was buying weed and he was sitting in his fucking buddy's car, the weed dealer's car back when weed wasn't fucking legal and he was sitting there buying weed. And he was looking down, you know, he's going down to get his money and the guy, you know, was sitting there with the bag of weed. So my buddy's looking down, you know, he got in his car and he was getting the

money out and he fucking the weed dealer looked up because, oh Jesus Christ, look at these two fucking yahoos. And he looked up and he saw me rollerblading with another redheaded woman. Just two gingers rollerblading down the fucking street and he almost fucking puked. He laughed so fucking hard and then he immediately called me up afterwards. So we've all been that guy in the miniskirts. So go fuck yourself. I started laughing and I went into like a coughing fit. You know, what are you guys, it's a different world. It's a different, you know, it's a different world. So it's always going to be changing. I'm going to go out on a limb here, people. I have this theory. I think the world's going to keep changing. And someday that guy, when he's my age,

54 and more than a half years old, he's going to be driving down the street and is fucking, I work for a living jacket, right? With his Martina Navratilova fucking bought. That's what it was like. It was like if fucking Martina Navratilova was like hosting like the Letterman show back in the day when he wore like half a suit. Half part of me thought it must have been a prank show or something. I don't know why. Anyway, that dude someday or whatever the proper pronoun, that dude's going to be driving down the street one day when he's my age in a fucking cart, right jacket, a fucking miniskirt, you know, if he's still showing his legs at that point, you know, if you got rid of the varicose veins at the local plastic surgeon,

which you could probably do it yourself, you know, they already have do it yourself studios. We can record a whole album. You can't tell me in fucking 30 years when that guy's my age, you won't be able to get rid of your varicose veins inside your house or at least have a fucking robot, do it, right? And he's going to look because coffee will still be here, right? And he's going to look over and he's going to see the next fucking thing. And he's going to be in his miniskirt, laughing his fucking ass off, going, what the fuck is going on with the world? You know, that is crazy. Anyway, what am I going here? What am I doing? All right. All right. I think I'm supposed to read some ad reads now. All right. Oh, look who it is.

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Of course it doesn't. Like, that always feels like there's just five groups of people. There's like burnouts, right? There's fucking nerds. There's background. I'm running out of people. There's not a lot of groups, you know? What if everyone was able to be exactly how the fuck they are? You know? Do you ever think maybe it's not like homophobia and all of this shit? Maybe it's just like the gap, you know, the people that make clothes, and they're just like, look, like almost like the old A&R guys, where whatever, if you were banned and they couldn't really define you, they had to stick you in a genre so they knew how to sell you, right? You got to wear your uniform. I'm coming around to this coffee shop guy. He's like the Miles Davis of dressing. That was like

bitches brew the clothes. It was fusion, and I wasn't ready for it. All right, new dates. For all shows, pre-sales starts Wednesday. Do you know, this is how, what the fuck, you know, I almost went into a pro drum shop. That's the fucking drum store you want to go to out here in LA. It's an absolute legend. It's a legend. Like it is a legend. Jerry and all the guys down there, fucking legends. I almost went down there today as a comedian, father of two, with no fucking free time to even watch my beloved, my beloved Boston Bruins have the greatest season in the team's history and almost the greatest. They could possibly have the best season, regular season ever. And you know what? A bunch of unathletic people are saying, it doesn't mean anything like they went

to cup. Hey buddy, you don't mean anything. You don't mean anything. How about that? How about that? How about that? Right up your ass. Sorry. Right up your skirt. In case you're wearing one, I'm trying to be all inclusive here. I almost went in there to see if they had a remote hi-hat. Yeah, that's the amount of double bass I've been playing lately. I kind of got that bottom fucking good times, bad times thing down. I can fake it. If I do it three days in a row, it can sound pretty good. I'm talking a little shit here. You know, for a dad, for someone who's never been paid to play drums, it's not bad. I was thinking about getting a remote hi-hat. You know, I mean, you only live once, right? I think I'm going to get one. I don't

like my cymbal, so they're too bright. I want a little fucking darker sound, you know, to match me, because I got so many layers. No, sorry. I don't know. I want to be interesting. All the interesting people had Zildjian K's when I was growing up, and all fucking mainstream jerk-offs that went to the mall, all played the Zildjian fucking A's. Look at me. I'm playing drums, right? I suppose the other person brooding in the corner. I'm playing fucking Dave Brubeck. All right, for all shows. Was he a one-hit wonder? I don't think he was, but as far as like what everybody remembers. All right, for all shows. Pre-sale. I got some new dates. Oh, Billy's going back out on the road. I got another month off. I could do this every year. Just take three fucking months off.

Just lay around like some fucking old hound on my porch. It's fantastic. Fucking fantastic. For all shows. All right, pre-sale starts Wednesday, March 8th at 10 a.m. local with Code Burr. Oh, 10 a.m. local with Code Burr. Let me read that again. Pre-sale starts Wednesday, March 8th at 10 a.m. local time with Code Burr. B-U-R-R. Pre-sale ends Thursday, March 9th at 11.59 p.m. Whenever I say these dates, the early part of March, I always remember this book who called me, you know, Billy Burr. What you doing? What you doing the fifth of March? March 5th. I kept that fucking voice message for like a year.

Yeah, what you doing? What you doing March, the fifth of March? March 5th. Oh, I took the gig. Oh, the characters you meet in this business. All right, pre-sale ends Thursday, March 9th at 11.59 p.m. General on Sale begins Friday, March 10th at 10 a.m. local. All right, here are the dates. Sunday, April 2nd, I am in Ottawa, Ontario for the sole purpose of going to that Ottawa Senators game the next night against the fucking Maple Leafs. So maybe it's the night before. I don't know what. I've been trying to go to an Ottawa Senators game since they've been, you know, around and it just never worked out. Last time I had tickets, unfortunately, Patrice O'Neill died and that was, you know, the day of his funeral. So obviously,

couldn't go to that one. So I'm finally getting back there to watch the sport that Patrice could absolutely give a fuck about. That's kind of funny that he died and fucked me out of going to a hockey game after all those years. He made fun of the game. He didn't really make fun of it that much, but he was more a hoop guy. All right, South Ham Hall at the National Arts Center, two shows at 6 p.m. and 9 p.m. And then Friday, April 14th, I'm going to be in College Station, Texas at the Reed Arena for one reason and one reason only. Is that weekend I'm going to the fucking MotoGP, baby, in Austin, Texas. I cannot fucking wait. And last time I was in College Station, I went to see Johnny Football, see if he could beat Alabama in back to back years. That was one of the loudest

fucking stadiums I've ever been to. The most amazing first half I've ever seen in college football. They were going bananas and then you just watched the Alabama Crimson Tide. They came back, put their foot on their, put their foot on their neck in the second half. Oh my God, that was fun. I'll tell you, you owe it to yourself. If the Aggies are good, you got to go to College Station for a game. Most people do not fuck around. All right. And then Saturday, May 6th, Las Vegas, Nevada, Dolby Live, I will be there, whatever Dolby Live is, I will be there on May 6th. Sorry, did I say March 6th? May 6th. And then let's see what else I got. I got Friday, June 30th, Lincoln, California, Thunder Valley Casino Resort, Thunder Valley, that sounds intimidating.

And then Saturday, August 12th, I'll be in Springfield, Massachusetts at the Mass Mutual Center. Tickets and information at billburr.com slash tour. That's exciting. See that? I was six weeks into this break going like, I don't think I ever want to do stand up again. I don't want to go back out on the road. And then six weeks later, I'm like, yeah, it's gonna be fucking fun. It's called taking a break, Bill. You know, it's called taking care of yourself, just living your best life. I'm going to go down to that coffee shop, and I'm going to, I'm going to wear, I'm going to see what fucking outfit you can wear that'll get anybody to look. So he's already doing the snow plow tennis player thing. I got to do the,

I got to think about that for a second. You know, I'm actually looking at this poster on the wall. North America's Civil Helicopters Fleet. I flew the old heli this weekend. It was really weird weather. It was nice in the morning, shitty, and then nice. And I went up there when it was shitty. And for some reason, Burbank wasn't letting anybody transition through their airspace. And it looked pretty clear to me. The ceiling didn't look that low, but I don't know. I got asked my instructor why. And so I asked when I made the radio call, I was like, you know, it was coming up on it. And they were like going, you know, five south transition. And they were just like, yeah, we're not doing that right now.

Now it's like, okay, guess I'll go back where I came from. Little Brian Regan there for you. But I ended up going back. I went out the out to the west. And I just went out to Camarillo and I just sort of flew the pattern landing on the pad out there. And then when I came back, you know, where I've been flying out of, I'm actually looking at the helicopter. This is fucking helicopter. You got to see this thing. It's a one seater. And I think it's the whole thing's design is to like pick shit up. I don't know if I'm saying it right, the common K a m a n K 1200 K max. And it has like two main rotor blades right next to each other. I don't know how the fuck they don't hit each other.

It's not like the Chinook, the Chinook. There's another one here that Camov K a 32 a 11 BC. It's like fucking motorcycles where they just all name numbers and letters where it has one, two main rotors, one on top of the other. This one is like indoor. I don't want to. So you know those people that could do that little butterfly thing with their arms. They bring them together and look like they they they shut up Bill. All right, whatever. So I go I come back to land and I'm landing in between like we're just in a row like a railroad apartment. There's that helicopter where I dropped off, towed my helipad out to and then an A star and it was not a lot of fucking room. And it was windy. And that's just like, all right,

I got this. I got this. So what I did was I just sort of brought the tail around. And usually what I do is I you know, I just sort of drive. It's like you're in the air, but you just sort of drive on it just as long as you're just slowly moving forward, you don't get your own wash, you don't have to do a bunch of shit with the pedals. And just sort of like just ding, just set it right down. But this thing because it was so tight, I literally had to come in sideways and then be over my helipad. So I immediately got my wash and it started fucking rocking back and forth the full wheel is right there. I mean, this was some big boy shit for me. And I set the fucker down. And I didn't like the way it looked. And usually once I set it down, I think like, well, you know

what, I didn't total the helicopter. I didn't fucking kill anybody. Let's shut it down. I was like, you know what, stop being a bitch, you can do better than that. So I lifted it up and then I set it down where I want it to be. I was like, all right, baby steps, baby steps, I'm going to fly tomorrow, man, I can't wait. I can't wait. I just hope the weather is nice. It's been me getting a bunch of rain out here, which is always good. But then, you know, I was talking to this guy today, I was like, one of my kids had a birthday party to go to and he goes, you know what sucks? He goes, all this rain just grows shit that's then going to be on fire later on. It's like, yeah, that is a true statement, sir. All right, here we go. Let's do some

reads here for this week. Desert Storm. All right. Hey, Bill, comparing Operation Desert Storm to a movie is appalling. Shame on you. I'm sure the soldiers who fought in that war didn't feel like they were starring in a movie. Oh God, that's so fucking deep. Shut the fuck up. I'm so fucking sick of people getting fucking offended for other people. You know what I mean? Did I mean it in an insulting way? Shame on you. Yeah, take your shame and shove it up your ass. Fucking jerk off. I'm so fucking sick of these fucking idiots. Unless he's just fucking with me. Shame on you. I remember one time, like when that the war was first starting, one of the wars, there was a guy in the NFL and he goes, yeah, Sunday is going to be a war. And then like,

he's fighting a real war. And he had to like, apologize for that. It's like, it's an expression. Fuck off. You know what? I wish your fucking email was like a movie. Your email was like a movie I would have walked out on. How about that? Fucking jerk off. All right. You know what I've been starting to do, speaking of that, expressions is listening to people like me and Verzi on the Verzi effect. No, no. That's his podcast. We do the, the fuck is ours called? Oh, anything better. We always give each other shit because we fuck up. I fuck up names. He fucks up expressions. He combines them with other shit. So I'm just starting to write down. I heard this guy last

night at that hoop game. You know, USC was playing sloppy, made a sloppy pass through it out of bounds. And the guy behind us was saying how that shouldn't happen. He goes, you know, if that happens earlier on in the year, I understand it. But this time of year, they should know each other like clockwork. And I knew what he was saying, but I was just like, you know, when you turn your head, kind of cock your head for a second, like, yeah, don't think you said that right. He like fucked up that expression so bad. I can't remember the right way to say it. It was running like clockwork. Bam, bam, bam. I think that's what it is. Know each other like clockwork. How do you know each other like clockwork? Anyway,

lizard video. Oh, I made a reference to this. Hey, Billy bulbous boy, you shouldn't be talking about videos with lizards in them when there's not actual lizards. Shame on you. Kidding. I remember that video back in the day. I believe it's called acid lizard. Uh, no, it's not called that. What a classic video. I love the balloon boy and the walk away part. So funny. Anyway, here's the link. No, I thought it was called something else. Maybe somebody renamed it. Let me see this here. That it's called drinking out of cups. And there was a rumor that the guy was tripping balls and he was sitting in his closet. He was just talking to what he was seeing. And then somebody said, no, that's not what happened. It was, I don't know what the fuck happened, but it's, um,

it is English, but it's a bunch of words strung together that you would, you'll never hear again. It was a moment that was captured. All right. Hot tubs are cool. Hey, Billy, blah, bag. Last month you trash people who owned hot tubs. Oh God, this is just, I like, I got to give a shout out to Andrew Thamelis getting all the offended people out of the way. By the way, the lizard thing was obviously a joke, um, as far as saying that he was offended. Okay. The rest of it was real. And he was, and that's an actual video. Okay. You made the same page. Okay. All right. Last month you trash people who own hot tubs. That's right. This has been bugging me for a month. Ah, you know what? I love this person already because they're admitting

that this is ridiculous. You said something along the lines that hot tub owners are sleaze bags. All right. Now I'm sorry to be laughing at my own jokes, but you have to remember that I don't remember half the shit that I say on this podcast. All right. Forget about what I say on stage. I don't remember it. I'm just going up there. There's a time I'm trying to fill up and I'm just saying the stupidest shit that comes in my head and then I forget about it. So I don't remember saying this, sir. All right. He says, Hey, I'll have you know, I come from an island in the northwest coast of Scotland. It's fucking cold. Okay. Let me try and try to do a bad Scottish. I'll have you know, I come from a night. I can't do it. I wish I could do a Scottish accent.

Um, it's fucking cold. All I can do is build a willow bill. When he goes, I grew up in the freezing cold wind and harsh and violent environment that drove the Scots to be the absolute nutcases that they are today. A few years back, I moved to London to be with my girl. You fucking sell out. You with an English girl. Didn't you ever see brave hot to be with my girl and started a small business from scratch? London by comparison to Scotland has a tropical climate. Is that right? I thought that that place was miserable. See, I have no idea. I've only been there a few times and not for a long, I went out for a long duration. Same thing with Scotland.

I base everything about London's weather on the beginning of, uh, of sexy beast. What do you say? London or London. Don't make me laugh. Every cat walking around with a long face. So I just picture it was raining all the time. Um, London by comparison to Scotland has a tropical climate. Since I moved, it has been my dream to have a nice back garden with a hot tub and a gas barbecue. Dude, you, I mean, if you can pull that off in London, nobody has that shit. They're just excited to get some fucking bread, right? Sorry. Uh, my dream was to cook a steak for me and my girl stew in the tub with a cold one. Watch the UFC while the bubbles tickle my pale Scottish balls. I mean, you know, I would say that's, that's, I guess that isn't the American dream. It's

everybody's dream. Dude, if you live in a cold wet climate, I get it. I get it. I'm sorry. This actually, you're making it sound great. I really want to shit on you, but I mean, you're, you're painting the hell of a picture here. He goes, I even wear shorts outside like I'm in Europe. I love that you guys don't consider the fact that you're in Europe and everybody else, they are in Europe. You don't fuck. I just learned something. You're like, no, no, no, that's Europe. We're great Britain. Oh, I love, what's your thread count? Your fucking hot tub cunt. I felt if I had a good looking girl to make me laugh a couple of months at my side in a spot, in a sport to watch, I could be a happy content man. Dude, I gotta tell you something right now.

If your dreams never get bigger than that, you're, you're one of the wisest people, you know, on the planet. If all you want is a good looking woman to make you laugh a couple of months, well, let's be honest, a lot of good looking women are funny. They're too fucking hot. They walk around, you know, they got that high thread count cuntiness. That's my new thing now. High thread count. A couple of months at my side in a sport to watch, I could be a happy and a content man. There you go. Maybe I could even settle down and make some babies. Well, there goes the content part. I mean, you'll be happy as hell, but Jesus Christ, this year after seven hard years of building my business, I will finally be able to afford this. And I thought, great. And I, until I heard you

trash my fucking dreams on the way, my way to work, get it straight. White, British, tall, medium, handsome, untalented man have a candle. Oh, sorry. Can a straight, white, British, tall, medium, medium, handsome, talented, untalented man have anything these days? Dude, that's such a funny line and I butchered it twice. I apologize. And maybe I am a sleaze, but I assure you that's a complete coincidence. Anyway, good call as always. Love your shit. All of it. Hope to see you live in London soon. I hope to be there soon. Dude, get the fucking hot tub. He said, kindest regards from the veil of England. Get the hot tub. Jesus Christ, you sold me on a hot tub. Um, shit. I mean, I did. You probably just sold 50,000 hot tubs in Seattle.

Um, actually, we don't have those. We just started around drinking coffee. Killer whales. Did I mention that I'm finally getting into grunge music? I did the goddamn comedy jam, and we did fucking, we did a sound. I always like sound. We did Soundgarden in Nirvana, and now I can't stop listening to the shit. And I was like, maybe I'll listen to another Nirvana song. Ah, fuck. I like that one too. You know, they were the enemy. Okay. They killed hair metal. The bastards, right? And then today I was at the gym and I heard a Pearl Jam song, and I was like, God damn it. I like this one too. I want to play drums to this. Fuck. I'm selling out. It was us and them, man. It was the sunset strip versus fucking Seattle, man.

All right. Killer whales. I wasn't even in on the sunset strip. I would have burned up if I was on that. I was in Massachusetts in the suburbs, but, you know, because of that magazine hit Parade, I thought I felt like I was a part of it. All right. Killer whales. Dear Bill Kill, did you hear about the orcas that are killing great white sharks? I haven't, they always been doing that. A couple of killer whales showed up off the coast of South Africa and started killing sharks in the area known to have many. These surgically target, they surgically target the shark's liver and leave the rest of the body. They seem to be teaching other whales how to do the same according to the bloke studying it.

In a short span, they killed 17 great whites. Thought you'd be happy to hear this. I'm not happy to hear that. I want those great whites to fucking kill people. I would say the reason that they're doing it is they're smart enough to realize that the ocean is being fished out. Okay. And these two great warlords, there's only room for one. Wow. That is fascinating. Fucking fascinating. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. They kill any more of those. Hollywood will make a movie about it. Um, problem, who's going to play the great white and who plays the killer whale? Problem with ginger at work. What's up you ginger cunt? Hey, you know, if you got a problem with

the ginger, you got to go to a ginger. I'm telling you, that's what you got to do. All right. I wanted to share an experience I've had for a couple of years now. My workplace offers a fitness center, a gym to work out in. Uh, if you complete 80 visits with 30 minutes durations in a year, then the company gives you a discount on health insurance. That's amazing. Get off your ass. You have to work for me. Go fucking work out. I don't want you dying of a heart attack. And then I got to use zip to find somebody else. All right. A couple of years ago, the company direct hired a personal fitness trainer that is fresh out of college who is also a ginger. Well, I don't want that has to do with it. You know, I'm already, I'm already feeling like you're

going to be coming at us. The problem is he is always a guy. I don't give a fuck about him. The problem is he has turned it into this police of the fitness center or rather hall monitor, if you will, dude. Oh my God. I swear to God. I swear to God. If you take one ounce of fucking shit from this fucking power drunk cunt that this, you know, I've loved all the emails, even the fucking bitchy one in the first one. I've loved all of these emails. This one, this one's going to stay with me. Stay with me. All right. I'm breathing. I'm breathing. I already hate this person. Um, only hearing your side of the story, of course, he will literally sprint across the gym. If he sees you walk in to log you into the computer. What sounds like he's

doing a good job. It's completely unnecessary because they have a laptop set up to log yourself in or he will shout hello and your name across the gym to acknowledge that you are there. You're a miserable cunt. You want to be left alone. You need to communicate that this is, this has nothing to do with this guy. And this is not me defending them because he's a fellow ginger. This is you, dude. And I got to tell you, I am way more you than that other fucking guy. Often he will guard the door as you walk in, say some really awkward one-liners like, hey, you coming or going. This dude's just fucking, he's, this is just, he has personal trainer energy. They got to be upbeat. Anyway, meaning are you just starting your 12 hour shift or getting off

your 12 hour shift? He will ask that on a daily basis. Well, cut him some slack. He's just out of fucking college. Anyway, now you can imagine when, when COVID hit, I already know the solution to this. He took it to an extreme and next level being the masked police and also cleaning thing obsessively, even after the person using the machine just cleaned it. I mean, he probably was told to do this. This kid's just doing a good job. You're a miserable cunt and I'm a miserable cunt. So I'll get you out of this. IE, he says putting sanitizing wipes in each hand and getting on his hands and knees and vigorously rubbing the rails on each side of the treadmill belt. I mean, hey, listen, everybody says these young kids don't want to work. This kid's crushing it. I

don't want the problem is he said, I can respect this kid's work worth that. I think there you go in wanting to do a good job. But he needs to learn that some people just want to go to the gym in a zone mindset of busting out a good workout and not socializing or bullshitting exactly. But he's not a mind reader, buddy. What you're going to have to do is fucking grow a pair and go up to the young ginger and tell him that and not in a cunty way. All right. And I love that you've waited too long to say this that now it's going to be awkward. So I got to, I got to think of the way you need to say it. Anyways, he says, especially before after 12 hours shift, you being a person that goes to a gym, I would think you two would understand this.

Don't try to stick me in your fucking boat. When the fuck do I work a 12 hour shift? I don't even have the real job. I know it's just not my hatred for people because yeah, there we go. There we go. Hatred of people because I've asked other coworkers about how they feel about the kid and they agree he's a major pain in the ass. How do I diffuse this? All right, there's two ways to do this. You could see the humor in it and try to out energy him. Or what you do is you just go up to him and just say, listen, I really respect your worth ethic and you have an amazing positive attitude, but I got to be honest with you, man. I'm a curmudgeon. Okay. I like to keep to myself. When I come down here, I go into a zone and I don't want anybody talking to me. Is there

any way I know you see me? I respect that you see me and all is just any way you could just leave me alone when I come in here would just make my day. That last part sucked, but the beginning part was good and you know what? This ain't my problem. It's your fucking problem. All right, I can tell you this. You hit the nail on the head here. You went to a ginger and a curmudgeon. I relate to both people in this story. This is like a, this is like a good movie. Yeah. You could just be like, dude, dude, it's early. It's early. But do you think that he's going to be a little rat-fink, little commie pinko and he's going to fucking rat you out? If you say that, you could be a total cunt when he comes running. Hey, you're coming to go. You're going to be like,

it's not that exciting. You could say, get a new joke. See, you don't want to do that. That's what you're going to do because it's building up in you. You're going to snap, dude. But you know something? You're evolving as a person because you're asking, how do I diffuse this? How do I diffuse this? What the fuck is that? Oh, I know what that is. There's nothing I don't know how to fucking hook up. Sorry, my fucking, I got to clean this fucking place out. I literally have foot pedals underneath when I was going for my instrument rating. Fucking things just fell on my foot. Yeah, this is in a nice as possible way. Just feel like, dude, I'm actually envious of how excited and amped up you are every day to come in here. All right. But I got to be honest

with you, man. I'm just, I'm not built like you. I'm a really quiet state of myself kind of person. If there's any way, give that energy to everybody else. I don't need it. I don't need it. I just want to put my headphones on and work out. Can you do that for me? I really appreciate. Thanks, bro. Just do that. That's what you have to do. That's what you have to do or you could go to a different gym, you know, but then I won't get credit for working out. Well, that's the price you got to pay. All right, that is the podcast, everybody. God bless you, your jacket, your miniskirt, whatever the fuck you're wearing. God bless that DJ at the USC game. You play just enough to keep the young people interested but not piss off a curmudgeon like me. Hey, I want to

ask the curmudgeon at the gym. What do I say to these DJs at the games? Were they playing like, I'm telling you, I'm calling this right now. There's an NBA player is going to get tonitis from playing in the fucking league how loud that music is. It's like going to a concert every single fucking night, 82 concerts in a year and that's not if they don't even make the playoffs and they're going to get tonitis and they're going to sue the league. I'm calling that right now or somebody works security at an arena. It's going to fucking happen and that's a dangerous one too. That's a dangerous one because you can't fucking prove it. A buddy of mine said that when cops want to get workmen's comp, that's what they say when they shoot their gun in the line of service

and they just don't want to do it anymore. They'll just say, I got tonitis because you can't fucking prove it. See that? I'm fucking, I don't know what I'm doing on this podcast now. I'm bringing up fucking scenarios and I don't think you can handle it, man. No, all right, whatever. I should have ended the podcast before that but I didn't and I'm not editing that out. That's it. Go fuck yourselves and I will check it on you on Thursday. Yeah.