Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-7-11

Episode Date: March 7, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about South Beach, Alligators, and pot heads.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, March 7th, 2011. There, I said it right. 2011, 2011. I'm down here in Miami, Miami Beach. I did the South Beach Comedy Festival this past Friday night, and the fuck did I do? I worked at the New Symphony Theater, and it was funny. I worked there Friday night and Thursday night, the first comedian ever to perform there, because it's basically designed for a symphony, was Kathleen Madigan. So they had an all redhead weekend, which I thought was nice, you know, for once they paid attention to one of the overlooked minorities out there, you know? How come we don't get a day on the calendar? What about us? Persecuted by the

sun? Do you know what it's like to be persecuted from sun up to sun down? I don't think you do. All you fucking bitching people from other goddamn fucking groups. I've had it. Anyways, yeah, I'm down here on Miami Beach, and everyone is dressed like a hooker. You know, this is really just, it's a bunch of, I don't know, really good looking women who are dressed as fucking trashy as you possibly can. None of them do you look at like, God, I could marry that girl. You just look at all of them, and you just start thinking about porno. I don't get it. It's that, and I can't just say that it's the Miami Beach area, because I've kind of seen that in like a number of different cities. It's that Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton

influence, where I don't know, I don't know what happened to broads. I don't know how they went from the 1950s to early 60s, which I think was the high point of at least classy looking women. God knows there was plenty of gold digging hores back then, but that whole era there, man, the way they dressed, telling you, they look classy, your approach to them was different. Down here, it's just, it's fucking ridiculous. I'm sitting there with my lady. I'm trying to pay attention to her as she's talking to me. And these two chicks at the fucking next table, this girl sitting there with their tits, they're like, they're almost, they were as close to being out of her dress as humanly fucking possible. You

know, so that's, what am I thinking? Am I looking at her like, Oh, look at that beautiful, beautiful woman. I'm not, I'm thinking, what would it be like if I just stuck my dick right in the cleavage as my end of my girl's voice just fades off in the background. And you'll tell me why we get a jet ski. I can't fucking hear what she said. Um, yeah, it's, I've had it. I've had enough down here. I haven't fucking done with it. I'm not going in the ocean. I respect the ocean. All right. There's sharks in there. There's barracuda. There's jellyfish. The goddamn ocean itself can just get mad at you and drag you out to fucking see when it feels like it. And then you're supposed to remain calm and just sort

of, Oh, which way is it dragging me? I guess I'll swim sideways. I think that's what I'll do. You know, there's the ocean just fucking attacks you pulls your bathing suit off. You know, you know, if you survive, you're going to be walking up there with the sunburn dick. Is that what you want? That's not what I want. So what I'm looking for in a vacation. All right. These fucking ladies down here, they're ridiculous. And I've been making fun of them all week. And every broad have been around. Yeah, I don't know that they are or people from Miami, they try to defend them. Are you do you don't understand down here? It's Miami, the weather. It's just we are used to walking around with let's shut the fuck up walking

around less clothes. All right. I mean, it's hanging out of your fucking shirt and having a shirt designed to show as much of your titty as humanly fucking possible. That's a different thing. All right, that's not all my God. It's so fucking hot out. You know, I saw right, you know, it's funny was late at night and one of these these hooker dressed women who wasn't a hooker was walking by herself on the other side of the street. I said to the guy, go, look at that right there. I go, that's your daughter, that's your daughter walking down the street. What are you going to say to her? And he just started laughing, shaking his head. It's like exactly she looks like a fucking street walker. And now she's away

from the goddamn herd. What are you going to say to her? Fucking five inch fucking he every goddamn one of them. How much how much for a fucking blowjob? Yeah, that that really is Miami beat. So if you want to come down, if you want to come down here, and you want to bang a 10, I think it's almost impossible not to because if you hook up with anything down here, they're absolutely fucking gorgeous. And they're dressed like absolute fucking hookers. I think I saw maybe two or three class acts the entire time I was down here. So it was going to be great is the amount of people who are going to fucking email me and they're going to try to defend what is going on down here. All right. And all you females

from Miami who going to defend this type of shit, let me ask you this. If you're safer, if you're safer, not your savior, your fucking savior, Jesus, age Christ showed up. Okay. And he was at one of those after parties all of a sudden, you know, he finally comes back improves assholes like me wrong. There he is J star, you know, on the one and two with the fucking headset on right up there fucking all of a sudden starts re remixing. Keep in mind that Jesus Christ has died for us and has risen from the dead. Jesus. Um, all right, he comes back. I mean, aren't you at the very least the second you see him? I know two things you're going to do. One, you're going to take off those goddamn shoes and number two, you're going

to reach for your little granny shawl to cover your tits up. That's what you're going to do. I think that's what you're going to do. And you're probably going to try and stand behind as many thick legged, sturdy whores as you possibly can. As you text your friend OMG, can you please find me a pair of pants? What would Jesus do, everybody? What would he do? I'm probably going to get a ton of shit for trash and fucking Miami like that, like I did from the Potheads last week. Some guy actually gave me shit because I do that, that voice, Hey, man. And he's like, I've never heard anyone shut, you know what I'm talking about. Go watch that documentary on the Fillmore. All right. It's a fucking, it's an impression of the hippies from Woodstock. I realized that

people don't talk like that anymore. I'm exaggerating for comedic effect. You fucking cunt. I thought when you smoked weed, everything became funny. Why aren't you giggling right now? Angry Pothead. And you never answered my fucking question. None of you did. How many weed smokers? All right. Who'd fucking, I came up with my, my fucking question about mushrooms. I was trying to make some sort of point last week. You guys were all afraid of it. Stayed away. You changed the subject like a bunch of fucking politicians. When's the economy going to turn around, Governor? You know, in 1972, when this town was built, we had a vision. What the fuck are you talking about? Answer the goddamn question.

Anyway, so I got to see all sides of this state. I saw the who is, I saw the, you know, the fist pumpers, you know, that really sounds fucking filthy, doesn't it? A bunch of twinkle toes down here too. And then after, I took a tour of the Everglades the next day, right? Finally got to do that. Went on a fan boat and I got to admit, man, I was pretty fucking nervous. First of all, you know what's great is you, you go outside of Miami and you get a half mile out there and the drop off. It's just like the ocean. You know, you just sort of wade out and everything's great. You know, what do you call one of those drop offs? We have any oceanographers, oceanographers listening? Huh? What do you call that? Where all of a sudden it goes from like, you know,

five feet deep to like 125 feet and you just slip into that darker water and no one ever hears from you again, you know? And then one day you come crawling back up on the fucking beach with three quarters of your body going like, like the end of the terminator, the first one, you know, when he crawls out after he sticks that little canister in his robot rib cage. Remember that? And he just starts crawling. Actually, watch that movie. Unedited. Fucking great film. Stands up. Stands the test of time. Anyways, what the fuck am I talking about? Yes, so I start the second you get outside the drop off where it goes from I'm in Miami bitch and I'm for some reason still wearing those white louvered Kanye West Grammy glasses that he wore like five

years ago. Yeah, what's funny about him? He broke his jaw. Now he always looks upset. He's got that bulldog mouth with the other is his bottom lip sticks out a little, a little more than the upper lip. Anyways, you go out there and it just immediately becomes away. You want yourself some frog legs? Got myself a pickup truck. It's the one out there with the steel balls hanging off of it. How do you like my mullet? You like this shit? Immediately went out there. All of a sudden there's like, there's like signs, billboards for like bingo parlor and this casinos. So we go all the way out there and as we're driving, they got these goddamn canals and these fucking alligators hanging on that big ones, just sort of like little like, I don't

know, little five footers, but still five foot alligator, man. If that thing bit you, you know, I'm sure you can maybe pull yourself away from the thing. I don't know what, I don't know what you do. You're one of your friends could start, I guess you poke them in the eye. I have no idea what the fuck you do to them, but you're definitely losing your calf muscle or a chunk of your leg, you know, broken arm when they start doing that goddamn death roll. They just lay in there. I don't know, like people down here, they're used to them. Alligators and shit, but like, someone like me, a Yankee from up north, I really don't do well with reptiles. They freak me the fuck out. So I know I'm on my way to the Everglades. They got all these

alligators. They have water moccasins or cotton mouth, as they're called. And I learned because they sit there with their mouths open when they feel like they're threatening and they have all, it's all white inside their mouths. It's like black mamas. I always thought that snake was black, it isn't. The inside of its mouth is black. The outside is sort of a gray. Ah, Jesus Christ, Bill, what is this fucking animal planet? Can you get to the goddamn comedy or go fuck yourselves? I learned some things this week. So we show up out there, right? It's me and another comedian and both are fucking ladies and took one of those fan boats. Now I'm going to give you some advice. All right, you can be a cheap fuck and go on one of those fucking air boats, I guess they call them,

and go on there with like 10, 12 other fucking people. Or you can shell out another 20 bucks ahead and you can go on one by yourself. I definitely suggest that one because this time of year the water is a little bit shallow and the other people are getting bogged down with the weight in theirs and we fucking blew by all of them. And a little disappointed. I didn't get to see too many fucking alligators. I guess they were mating and they're shy and they're in the fucking tall grass or some shit. I don't know what was going on. So for the first three quarters of it, all I'm seeing is a bunch of goddamn birds. All right, those white ones with the S turn fucking necks. I'm not gonna lie to you, it was actually was amazing and I was absolutely terrified that

any second one of those fucking alligators was going to come up and just rip off one of my legs. And plus you can't believe down here the amount of misinformation on alligators. These people are trying to tell me that those things can run 30 miles an hour. They go they can't run 30 miles an hour for a long time and they also they can't like they can't run like Barry Sanders. They could just kind of go in a straight line. So what you do is you're supposed to serpentine, which I don't get that. It's like, shouldn't you just run in a straight line and then break right? Why would you then break left and become you'd end up back in his fucking scope, wouldn't you? I don't know what. So I finally go on the fucking internet and I'm like, give me a goddamn break. Those fat fucks

can run that fast. And it turns out answers.com how fast can they run says alligators cannot run at 35 miles per hour as previously as a previous answer said 35 miles an hour is how fast a horse runs or an Olympic speed skater. They said it's faster. It's faster 35 miles an hour is faster than a deer. People tend to make outrageous claims about crocodiles with no basis. Just today I was on an Everglades tour and the guys the guide said they could go 35 miles an hour on land said a fast alligator might go eight or nine miles per hour according to a study in Australia young crocodiles might be able to reach as fast as 10.5 miles an hour but only over a few yards and also their ambush. They usually ambush people so I don't know they said no if they fucking

run they usually just running away they're running back to water. They run like fat people well you run and all of a sudden you lose your footing and you just do a face plant that's what they do they just try to stay up and then they do a face plant right into the fucking water but once they get in the water you're screwed. So I was also thinking with all these goddamn alligators laying around you know how many how many people get killed a year and evidently it's not that many. They only have like they have like four five attacks a year that's it four five attacks a year but then they had like three people died all in one fucking week or three people down here got attacked some woman joggers some shit she was jogging and she decided to fucking cool off her

feet in the water and that was the last time they saw her. Why the fuck would you do that? Why would you do that? That's why like whenever I watch like a fucking one of those horror movies from back in the day that's what you're always yelling as you're watching it like what why are you going in there why are you doing that like that's the same thing if you live in Florida if you feed a hot fucking tough it out go home and stick them in the tub. Just dangle them in that fucking water you imagine that shit oh my god. Second you get pulled in to this to the moment you're underwater you have to think I would think well however long it takes the alligator to pull you from where you're seated into the water what do you think that

is 0.8 seconds I would say for 0.4 seconds the first 0.2 you're like what the fuck 0.3 you're holy shit 0.4 you have hope maybe I can do maybe I can do this oh there's my ring hear that there it is hey dude I'm doing my podcast let me call you right back in about an hour all right all right um boom boom boom boom boom boom that's the only normal one I can get you want to hear my fucking things I was in such a great moment there all right so 0.4 seconds you have hope like well maybe I can do oh no I can't that's 0.5 and then you just like I'm dead 0.5 to 0.8 you're like I can't believe I'm gonna get I'm gonna die via alligator and then once you're

under the water that's when you renew your relationship with the Lord and I know what you guys are probably thinking you're probably thinking well Bill because you don't believe in that shit what would you be thinking I would be praying to God in a second I'm gonna fucking hedge my bets my prayers would be hilarious if you do exist and you do give a fuck get me out of this or make it quick oh my god how long do you think it takes like how long do you think before you're dead is the thing just sitting there chowing on your liver and you're going like for the love of God eat my heart so I can die I was to get really fucking morbid but uh I don't know man I could not get comfortable so we ended up going out there on the Everglades I definitely recommend it although

if you're gonna go try to go April and May because the water levels come up I guess and then also the mosquitoes aren't that bad there's a little travel tip for you April and May water levels come up it's their mating season right I was just joking about them wanting to mate the fucking tall grass I'm full of shit go during April and May definitely get your own fucking boat and I would also say venture out as far as you can into the Everglades don't stop at the first one just keep going go as far as you can until you're out there with some fucking seminal Indians you know and they're calling you the guide says white man speak with forked tongue I think that that's the one you want to get on we actually had just a couple of redneck dudes one and the redneck

dude we had the guy's name was Regis and they had all this airboat humor you know what they were just like you know if you enjoyed the tour get out to the left if you didn't get out to the right get get get get it because then you'd step in the water and the alligators are in there but seriously folks don't hang your legs off the boat at any point as we're going through here those of you who are wearing hats I suggest you take them off and turn them off backwards because if you don't we think they've been known to fly off they go into the fan and then they they don't fit as well kick kick kick I'm just kidding all right folks seriously turn your hats around if you're wondering no I am not part shark that's just my awful dentition

I'm just fucking with you keep your fucking hands and legs inside of the boat at all times this what an alligator sounds like when it's trying to mate they did all that shit it was fucking tremendous we saw another boat that got it got um it was hilarious this boat one of those boats that had too many people on it it actually went aground so they were just sitting out in the Everglades waiting to be towed in so we came over to see if we could help them out and it was hilarious it was like six people all from Germany so they were getting the full-on redneck experience I would love to hear the stories they're going to tell when they get back they're just sitting there we pull up they're like one time hello yeah one time and they had the most redneck dude ever

and he was just standing there he completely given up like there's no way you can get towed out and so he puts a cigarette in his mouth and he's fishing for his lighter as he's talking to the other redneck on he's like this goddamn garbage can you know what they say if it won't go chrome it and as he's saying that he's saying it like you're saying it like this you know what this is lips together because he wants to hold on to a cigarette so a cigarette sitting there flapping around as he's reaching for his lighter and it was amazing was one of those moments as a performer I'm watching this guy going this guy doesn't even realize it but if this guy is actually

if someone could imitate him they would win an oscar with what he's doing right now just sitting there you know what they say won't go chrome it that cigarette flapping I'll tell you that boy fuck a rock of dog snake was on it it was just so goddamn authentic and I was sitting there with Nia and we both immediately just looked down at the ground and just started cracking up and uh not an asshole why not judging him and I looked over at Nia at one point I was like you know what I was like lemmy doesn't have shit on this guy I'm not saying this guy's beyond lemmy but these two could fucking hang out and they would be two peas in a pod um speaking of which underrated anybody see that that documentary on lemmy um from motorhead it's fucking tremendous um I'm one of

those radio motorhead fans all I know is uh the ace of spades but uh definitely a fascinating guy and uh yeah I think it's on demand this month you should definitely try and check it out so anyway so we end up going through the fucking Everglades and then the end I know I made fun of those fan boat guys but they're actually they're great dudes tip them don't be a fucking asshole and uh then we got off and they uh they gave us a baby alligator they said that you get one of these you get one of these with every trip take it stick it in water don't tell anybody you got it and uh when it gets too big you just flush it down the toilet no they didn't they actually they just let us hold one and uh it was actually uh pretty cool I kind of I was terrified to do it

not like terrified I just thought it was gonna fucking bite my finger off so uh it was weird the dog training that that I that I got through working with Cleo um I realized that when you at least when you go to make a move with a dog if you're gonna go pet a dog you don't you don't no pun intended alligator on it you don't start to pet it and then go oh wait a minute is it gonna bite me because then they feel that and then that makes them feel fucked up um so the guy goes you know take the alligator grab it right here and before I would even think I just fucking made sure I had its mouth closed held it by its goddamn tail and uh I got the picture taken but I gotta admit I was nervous handing it back you know like I think I could actually

hold the most poisonous snake in the world if you showed me how to do it I think I could grab it by the back of its head you know and I wouldn't get bit but when I was gonna get bit was the the letting go of it like I don't know I don't get that whole do you like fucking throw it like hold under the tail so it can't coil up and then you you fuck why am I asking you guys like you're fucking snake experts you know what somebody's gonna be hey you guys want to hear about the uh so that I definitely recommend that and tonight I'm actually gonna go to the uh actually this will be tomorrow night with the podcast I'm going to the uh the panthers are playing the uh Washington capitals gonna get to see uh Alex uh what is he the great is that what they call him

Alexander the great I'm gonna get to watch him in his fucking nine goals this year the fuck are the capitals doing you know can they can they can they turn that horse loose what's going on with those guys how about them Bruins they went six and oh six and oh on their their uh their road trip one another one at home and last night they uh stole a point from the penguins his motherfuckers are seven oh and one the last eight games if you can't do the math that's fucking great I hope they're not peaking too early but all of a sudden I know we look all right with the penguins injuries I don't know who do you think it's gonna be this year I think you gotta go with the flyers you know they were there last year they came oh so fucking close

I think the flyers are the goddamn team to beat but for some reason the penguins with all their injuries the filthy fucking Pittsburgh penguins um those sons of bitches they seem to be playing all right too I don't know it all comes down can you beat them four times in seven games I don't know I don't fucking know all right you guys want to read some I want me to read some uh angry email an angry email from a fucking pothead all right I got one who disagrees with my view on pot okay bill dude you have obviously never regularly hung out with any weed smokers or smoked weed yourself wrong on both counts right there sir I hung out with some of the biggest potheds you're ever gonna meet in your life I'm talking about people who smoked every

fucking day because they couldn't deal they use stuff they quotes like this why do you get high at work why do you why do you smoke all the time dude I like pot because it turns my world turns my life into a movie that's what this buddy of mine said all right so yes I have hung out with them he said you are usually on point with what you say but you talk like someone who is absolutely zero knowledge of weed I've never seen someone with that I've never seen oh this is the guy I never seen someone with that tired cliched pot smoker voice obviously you haven't all right but if you watch shaggy and scooby you see it right there they make in front of the whole woodstock generation um and did I mention that earlier I can't even remember if you watch that fucking uh there's

a documentary about Bill Graham and there's and he's having the last night at the Fillmore and there's an there's a musician if anybody can find the clip on youtube I think they took it down that guy was just like well hey man you know it's like you know man it's like like fuck you and thanks for their memories man you know I'm saying man you gotta listen to the guy that's the guy everybody's making fun of all right that's what I'm doing I've realized that people in 2011 don't talk that way sir so anyways he said most pot smokers are like anyone else and don't sound like they have down syndrome as funny as you are it pains me to hear you talk out your ass when usually you have good points please smoke a joint and shut the hell up all right that part was

funny uh ps I know you're gonna tell me to go fuck myself because it's your podcast but I'm sure I'm not the only one who notices this about you uh you know what I would tell you what I'm really sick of I'm really sick of overly sensitive fucking pot smokers you know you guys are about as self-righteous as fucking Jesus freaks I've had it I've had it with you guys I've had it with your lies of how uh you know you know there's like there's no drinking and driving you can get pulled over for that and there's a test and there's nothing for weed and then pot smokers say well you know what I actually think you drive better when you're high you know everything's so fucking clear they say dumb shit like that they say smoke and weed is not addicting I just do it because I like it

you're all fucking full of shit all right I think weed is one of the more dangerous drugs is because everybody thinks it isn't fucking dangerous and I think the danger of that drug is that you you just I don't know it just makes you want to sit on the goddamn couch all right now and of course someone's gonna send me an email I smoke weed every fucking day and I'm fucking the valedictorian in my my class really well you're a fucking exception all right you are doing damage to your brain you are fucking burning up your brain cells why can't weed smokers admit that is it because it's illegal and you want to make it legal that you can't be honest the way a drunk like I am that alcohol fucking turns your nose into fucking you look like wc fields it fucks up

your liver it kills brain cells you get behind the wheel of a car and you could kill yourself or even worse kill somebody else why can't you guys admit that shit huh huh man why can't you say that man I'm just fucking with you by the way you know what I can actually can't say all all weed smokers like that because I only got one fucking email somebody really disagreeing with me on my views on weed um I don't know I don't fucking know you know my one thing I will I will I will stand by this because I am just fucking around I do know this all right you can come home after work and have a beer possibly two beers depending on your tolerance and you maybe you're a little buzzed that's it these motherfuckers who come home and get they get high you get high you you basically

do the same as me drinking like six beers it'd be like me getting drunk every night if I drank six beers every night my girl would be talking to me going I think you need to go to some meetings but there's really no meetings for people who smoke weed basically every fuck if you're getting high four fucking nights a week think about this shit all right you multiply that times 52 fucking weeks not to freak you out man this is fucking 208 days of the year you're fucking high if I'm getting drunk two or eight times a year which the was I at one point I think I was that's what I finally I started doing the fucking math and I was like I am very quietly kind of a fucking alcoholic here if you if you get drunk two times a week a year I'm really sounding like a

fucking cunt right now but I'm just this is just shit I worked out if you get drunk two times a week Friday Saturday night that's over a hundred days a year that's basically a third of the year your shit faced and that's only two times a fucking week eight days a month that's you know then you throw in the random Monday night football I would like another pale ale you know next thing you know you had three or four walk out of the house you fucking feel like you're floating in your loafers right you get out there in your Toyota Camry you didn't hit anybody you go home you wake up the next day you feel like shit right how many times you do that a year at least 20 right there's a 30 year your shit faced so pot smokers on the other hand like you know they they got a whole

different thing like if I fucking walk by a guy in a car and he's got a beer I can't just come up to the window hey man let me get let me get a couple of pulls off of that just shotgun one of his beers thanks man thanks for getting me drunk like pot smokers they do that shit all the time maybe because it's illegal I don't know what it is but they get fucking baked which is the equivalent I think I have in like you know four five six beers what I'm saying is is you pot smokers you're a lot more fucked up than you realize so get off you goddamn high horses or is it you're not even on high horses you're just trying to tone down the effects of that shit isn't that what you're doing so they'll make it legal so you can just smoke it and not worry about it and not to mention

how toxic fucking weed is now I remember when I was living in New York this dude came up to me he's like yo I smoked this shit last night it's called retarded because yo you be smoking that shit and yo you just be retarded you just be sitting there you just be sitting there like this yo and he makes this fucking face like he doesn't have a thought in his goddamn head all right all that shit chronic all of that shit that just fucking burns your goddamn head up I don't know you know you know fuck you know something go fuck yourselves if I can sit here and admit how bad whiskey is and then I was sitting there like Judy Garland for a quarter of the year you know what I mean I'm not saying you should quit I'm not saying that you shouldn't

did you you know you shouldn't smoke more of it I'm just saying stop acting like you're taking fucking Flintstone vitamins you know because if you really wanted to rather than smoking it you could turn it into a hoodie okay or write the fucking Declaration of Independence isn't that what they said isn't that one of the theories out there Declaration of Independence is written on hemp paper man um anyway so someone who agrees with my views on pot I can the amount of listeners I'm gonna fucking probably lose this week agrees with your view on pot here we go hey Bill this morning uh okay hey Bill this has been bothering me for a little while now and I'm not sure what to do I'm 19 years old I go to UMass

Amherst go Minutemen I had a that's one of the worst fucking names you know something Minutemen used to be like the fighters because they could be ready in a minute right the Minutemen go fight the revolution and then somewhere along the line I believe hip hop and R&B turn Minutemen into people who prematurely uh ejaculate do you like how my sentence slowed down there because there's too many words with big syllables uh no I've just been hitting it hard down here sorry I had a girlfriend my first semester of college and was still in high school when I was still in high school there you go oh she was still in high school oh wait a minute sorry uh now it's getting a little creepy was she a senior um we both knew that I would be going far away and we agreed we

would stay together however I guess her feelings changed and she wanted to be single I was devastated when she broke up with me and I've been really down because she was the first girlfriend that I really liked didn't I read this last week I think this happens to a lot of guys and I wasn't just trying to get late I really liked this girl so after a few weeks I found out she was hooking up with this kid that I consider to be a friend this is the exact same as last week I swear to god this is a different email though uh because we've been hanging out over the summer and partying together what's fucked up about the whole situation is that this isn't the first oh I've read this last week didn't I this isn't the first time this guy's done this to me and at the end of my senior

year I broke up with a different girl and this kid was hooking up with her about a month later didn't I answer this one I let that one slide again I didn't really give a fuck about any of his girlfriends yeah dude blah blah blah blah so his question is should I go back to this kid and tell him to stop going after my ex-girlfriends uh yeah yeah you should you should I mean who gives a fuck he's going after your sloppy seconds just ask him that I thought I said this last week just call them up and be like listen dude do you have an ability to get laid without fucking something that my dick's already been in all right do I have to be your dick Lewis and Clark the fuck is wrong with you why don't you go forge some of your own stop being Coby Bryant

and be Michael Jordan stop doing the shit that I already did and taking credit for it you fucking cunt fuck you and that fucking whore that you're with right now okay do you realize that this keeps up someday I'll be able to say hey I fucked your wife right before you fell in love with her she loved it in the ash um just say some mean shit like that all right how the fuck was that agrees with me on pot I'm an idiot all right advice Bill this is my tale of woe and in the interest of preserving the flow of the story I'm using names so I started at a Lexus dealership back in August a little bit after that a girl I don't give a fuck if you you know something I don't name names but if you guys are gonna put names in your fucking thing I'm not gonna say last names but

I'm just gonna name the names because my reading out loud skills are so fucking bad I don't I don't have time to add other shit here all right so anyways so Bill I started working at a Lexus dealership back in August a little bit after that a girl named Ashley started in the accounting department she was a cutie uh for a few weeks I kept getting shit from the guys in the parts department for not going after her that's hilarious what are they all married are the older perverts hey look at her man I'm not sticking your fucking dick in her go over there what are you a fucking fig um so they're giving me shit for not going after her but uh but I had a good reason she was 20 years old I'm 23 so it's not overly creepy dude that's not even close to being creepy that's

good that you have a conscience about that but think about that someday when you're fucking 47 she's gonna be 44 and she's gonna be up your ass telling you where and where you can't wear your shoes in the house so why don't you bang her at the height of her fucking good looks all right get that thought right out of your head that's my first piece of advice all right let's continue right from the start I knew she was going to be the kind of girl that could only communicate through her thumbs text messaging uh and be too immature to handle any actual conversation not to sound self-righteous uh but going after against my better judgment I followed my dicks advice and started started to get something going after a few weeks of us chatting every once in a while I told

her I told her I needed a massage uh okay dude that's a really creepy way to try to get her in the boat so to speak I need a massage all right well we'll deal with your opening lines later on in this all right but just put a little fucking uh little little check next to that too that that's not a that's a creepy way to fucking enter the atmosphere there all right um anyways like a champ she tried her best to oblige but shit kept popping up when she walked by again I jokingly handed her my number telling her to call me and we'll schedule that massage dude that's just creepy massage is creepy that's that's a creepy word because creeps go to massage parlors and they have people fucking do things to them that is fucking creepy and also a lot of perverts kind

of go with the massage thing you're young you're 23 I get it I had zero game at 23 beyond zero sub zero freezing temperatures I was horrific with women at 23 so the fact that you're even giving a girl a number all right you're way beyond where the fuck I was at I'm not talking down to but you got to get the word massage out of your fucking game it's just a creepy fucking word and it creeps women out um anyways the day after I wake up with that um after I gave the text message whatever I gave my number the day after I wake up I have a text message says hey it's Ashley I can't help so he says so I can't help but think got you bitch that's nice so uh so after a week of text we get together she finally calls me and pretty much invites herself over to my house

she comes over all gussied up perfect outfit perfect makeup the whole fucking package we watch some tv and she comes up with the idea of bringing booze into the situation very nice I agree after a few hours or so she finally says I gotta go she gets up to leave she tries to give me a high five as a goodbye so I come back with a more of a kiss goodnight kind of guy Jesus Christ dude all she does is laugh and start walking to her car I got mind fucked all right first of all dude um you were there for two hours and you were drinking and she's over there at some point there's a moment where you gotta make a move if you don't make a move then it gets weird and then they just shut down and say okay this guy isn't interested so then she's going to leave and she

says hey good stuff goes to high five you and then all of a sudden you try to make it intimate in the last five seconds you're gonna be there and you come with a more of a kiss goodnight kind of guy that's just creepy dude you're creeping him out all right but I get it all right I was creeping him I was I wasn't even in the game to creep him out at that point and I went through my phase while I was creeping him out I said dumb shit like that before too so don't don't feel embarrassed or anything okay you're just you're coming with uh you know it's like you're writing your first five minutes of comedy here you know this none of this shit it's gonna be embarrassing when you get older all right here we go this continues after another week or so she calls me up again and invites

herself over very nice she comes over again all gussied up we pop in waiting I don't even know what that is that's a movie okay and she gets the booze a few minutes go by and she asks if I want the massage very nice said I never got on my stomach so quickly she straddles me it tells me to take my shirt off I get a good 30 minutes in and I ask if I'm doing her next dude your lines that it's like blunt force trauma you're just punching this girl right between her tits with the with the lines here um anyway she says she tells me she doesn't know so I tell her just to lay down while telling her I can't work with shirts Jesus Christ dude can you try to finesse it a little bit I don't do high fives I'm more

about the kids get your tongue out this sweetie you ain't leaving the house you leaning against the fucking door when you said that um Jesus Christ okay I say I'm not good with shirts with a hello am I she'd so she takes her shirt off and let me guess as she took her shirt off you didn't say anything you weren't touching her anything you just sat there so it could be as awkward as humanly possible as you heard the sound of her taking her shirt off um as if she's just gotten arrested for drugs or something she takes her shirt off and leaves on her bra of course she does but uh that quickly gets out of the picture very nice it's fucking guys oh because she's 20 I get it so her mind's saying no but she's too embarrassed so she continues all right after a while she says

she has to go but I told her um she could just sleep here she agreed so thinking I was going to get laid I went and I took a piss and got back to my room to find her fully clothed with her fucking coat on in my bed I couldn't stop thinking what the fuck it goes I slept pretty good though all right for all you rookies out there there's a lot of guilt that young women have when they're when they're gonna hook up or whatever that they're doing they got a lot of voices in their head about my being a horror and that type of thing so the thing is you gotta keep the fucking plate spinning all right you can't leave them alone if you leave them alone for any period of time that gives them a chance to entertain that voice that's saying why am I doing this do I want to

do this I work with this guy we're not even going out you gave her time to basically do the right thing um I don't know so yeah so yeah of course you come back she's fully fucking clothed it's like uh I don't know I'm using analogy now I'm all set I'm feeling like a creep now because I'm trying to teach you how to fucking bang a girl like this this whole fucking email is just really creepy but I'm halfway through it I can't stop now people all right let's go he says now for the good part uh December rolled around okay well you've really never given told me when this started oh he said August that's right my fault my fault all right December rolled around and there was a company Christmas party oh Jesus at my boss's house which we both

attended me and a buddy I'm not saying his name went and she immediately finds and latches on to me after a few hours and her friends giving her a fuckload of booze to to suck on she comes up to me and asks if I want to get out of there while biting her lower lip and other gestures to that drive me crazy I agree then she goes out of her way to invite this this other dude along which leads us to believe that there's going to be some sort of double penetration action Jesus Christ now she's bringing this other guy to fuck the whole thing up that's going to be like the chaperone so anyways we choose this is this is how uh you know the next day the phone call this is how all this shit goes because men and women just do not think the fucking same way

especially at this goddamn age completely not understanding what's going on here anyway so he said we choose my place for the for the alcohol and head out while we're walking out to the car she has her hands all over me so I'm thinking this shit is going down uh dude this girl's like she's a dick tease man Jesus Christ we get to my place and we crack open some beer and she blatantly asked me to put some porn on to watch isn't this what happened to like the the fucking duke lacrosse team um at this point I think it's it's fucking over with I start getting all touchy feely with her and she seems a little annoyed finally she starts to wrestle with me and I go into kiss her and she dodges me thinking she was playing I continued my advances now there's a lot of women

getting upset here you can't get fucking upset when she's doing that shit you want to come on can we just hang out a little bite of the bottom lip let's put a porno on um I continue my advances and then she gets genuinely offended me being a little angry I asked the other dude to leave so we can have a little chat and I proceed to ask her what the fuck or what the fuck she's looking for here she tells me nothing and that she doesn't have any interest in me fucking furious I just start playing a video game and drink jamison while she continues to ask me what's wrong I've never been so close to punching a girl in closing I started sending her incredibly asshole-ish text messages ah dude why would you do that to self-destruct any

chances of her talking to me again but I still left it's still left a very country taste in my mouth I'd love to hear you take on this all right dude all right yeah she's a dick tease all right and um I I don't know if she's got a fear of being alone she's using you she's using you for company she's probably doesn't now obviously doesn't have a boyfriend so she needs to get rid of her little fucking sexual angst so she kind of takes it up to the point and then backs off from it but the problem is with a girl like that that first night she came over there you had to close the deal and when you didn't close the fucking deal that's it you gotta fucking walk away and once you realize a girl is mind fucking you basically being a dick tease you have to two things you have to do you

gotta walk away and two you can't get mad you have to accept that that's part of the fucking game but for some reason you really want to still bang this girl you have to realize that then what you have to do is you have to start playing mind games back with her which personally gets fucking exhausting but if you want to do that in the future what you then do is the next day when you go to work this is provided you didn't get upset is when you see her you don't ignore her you're not snide to her you're not angry to her what you do is you're like hey are you doing a big smile if it's acceptable to hug at work if you can do that or whatever you're just beyond cool with her all right but you don't try to go out with her or anything and then later on that day or

whenever the opportunity arises you compliment some other female within earshot of her all right that will cause a dick tease to be like wait a minute wait a minute fucking start coming your way and that's how you that's how you get them in the boat you got it you got to just turn or you get it's weird you got to walk backwards you know what it is it's like like charged magnets you don't say if you're fucking uh if you take a fucking i don't know what the fuck it is what am i trying to say i don't try to say it's like you take a step towards it if fucking goes off the other direction if you walk away it starts coming towards you and you just got to slowly slowly back them into the boat

but i don't know i don't know i don't know what to tell you as far as your fucking open life what you really have to do dude is when you just want to fuck a girl you have to say you got to present that to them you know um and the only way you got you got to do it through bombing okay you're at your blunt force trauma period i i don't know it's it's impossible it's it's uh it's like how do i learn how to do stand-up right five minutes of jokes and you have to go up there that's all the advice i can give you and you got to go up there you got to fucking figure it out for yourself but like eventually you have to just you just want to bang a girl you can't uh you have the you have the right instincts you're staring the conversation towards sex

but you're doing it at 90 miles an hour you're grabbing her by the back of the head and slamming her face into the wall you can't do that uh you know i i don't know i don't know where where where to begin i'm trying to think of all the fucking horrific things that i did back in the day um i remember one time hooking up with a girl who was like 23 or 24 when i was about 33 or 34 and uh what the fuck she said at one point she got she came over to my apartment and i invite her in right because i was a veteran at that point if i don't have to take you to the movie why do that come on i'll meet me over my place this is embarrassing so she came over one point we start fucking making out doing whatever and then she says uh wait a minute where is this

going she hits me with that shit and i was like uh i'm like 11 years older than you by the time you're 30 i'm gonna be 68 what do you mean where is this going it's going nowhere you know this is just basically yeah it's a sexual i'm basically gonna be the reason why you're not gonna have a midlife crisis because all the fucked up shit you want to try but are too afraid to do with the guy you're in love with you can just do with me obviously i said a little smoother than that and then you know she was just like oh all right oh Jesus Christ and then oh i can't even tell you what happened then and it's not sexual it's disgusting oh god now i gotta tell you this this is really fucked up this is why i'm so happy i got a great girl now so we end up fooling around

and uh the next morning wake up you know we started in the living room ended in the bedroom you know that whole thing you never you never give them a chance to reconsider right i don't even give them the chance to fucking think about it from the living room into the bedroom you don't do that you just constantly hands are moving you're kissing on the whole fucking thing right so she goes this is i can't believe i'm gonna tell you this she goes i walk out into the living room the next day because she's getting dressed and she's looking for underwear and she had these white lace like thongy kind of underwear not a thong jeez no thong yeah and they were in a they were crumpled up on

the floor all right if anybody gets really grossed out i suggest just shut it off here right now all right i looked down at them it's all proud of myself you know that i hooked up and i looked down and there was a skid mark about i would say at least four inches long and those white panties and i was like i'm almost gonna fucking dry heave i didn't go down on her thank god um um oh wow she's really just coming back and i was just like i didn't know what to do because she was like yeah well i can't find my underwear so i fucking went out the look for him and then i found him and then it's just like you know if i had a stick in my apartment i would have picked them up and handed them to her but uh i didn't have a stick so i acted like i couldn't find him

i wandered over towards the kitchen and then she came walking out and she's like oh there they are and i know she saw what the problem was and she tried to play it off and she just put him on uh but i you know what let's have a vote was that the most disgusting story i've ever told in the park that was fucking horrific right i don't know was there any advice on that jesus christ i i don't know how the fuck did i relive that one wow wow um how about some youtube videos this week somebody sent me this youtube video this guy on on uh dr phil he's like uh he has this website called men are better than women dot com he's really like a cartoon chauvinist cartoon character kind of chauvinistic person where he's just like you

know women aren't good at working i mean they shouldn't have they shouldn't be allowed to vote like he does shit like at that level um which is just cartoonish there's a couple of funny things that he says at one point he's standing next to an atm and he's taking cash out he goes this is how women perceive men this is how they look at us right which obviously not all of them do but it's so it's such a true fucking statement if he just adjusted a few words said if he said a lot of women or there's a sizable group of women that look at guys like this you know and i know there's a lot of broads out there that are getting upset by this but you know you guys say the same shit don't you guys go on tv and the radio and what what's that expression a good man is hard to find

you know but for some reason you can't say a good woman's hard to find they are they are hard to but this guy basically so he goes on dr phil and this late this lady starts heckling him and i'm telling you when i say a classic classic comeback this the comeback this guy has would have any respectable stand-up comedian on the ground laughing this this fucking lady you know they do the usual shit you know when they get insulted when a guy insults them they do you know they they basically females have like uh i don't know for some reason they they're very limited with their arguing ability like if they get an argument with the guy then they're they're either going to attack your dick size your sexuality or uh oh yeah or whatever so that's basically what this woman

does she goes you know i'm listening to you i bet you you you don't go out with any women you know she attacked him that way and he fucking he he brings the hammer down i don't condone what this guy does i actually think what he's doing is like uh paint by numbers sort of shock there it is i challenge anyone to have a gay or ringtone than that um anyways uh check out that youtube video and uh we got a bunch of other funnier ones well i'm actually just coming up on an hour here i'm trying not to make these things too fucking long let's let me just read a couple more advice and then a couple more is it racist racist um all right here we go bill hi from australia uh i seem to share a lot of your views and i want some advice on women jesus this is all women stuff uh this week

i'm supposed i'm only asking you because i want confirmation of my stance but who gives a shit okay so generally uh so i generally look for value in things that i buy or things that i do with my time i'm in my mid-twenties and my parents um and my parents friends put a lot of pressure on me to get a girlfriend i've had girlfriends before and i always just got bored and sabotaged it or fucked it up somehow by not paying enough attention i pretty much decided that i want don't want to get married there is hi everybody calling me bum bum bum bum bum bum bum makes me feel important it feels like like announcement music like i've just walked in and people are acknowledging i know i'm sorry i i need to download a rig tone i should have the oh jesus

ringtone but i don't um anyways let's go back to this um fucking sabotage to be honest i'd rather spend my money on myself and spend my time doing things i want to do do that's very that's very mature you know you know all you're gonna do is just end up hurting somebody said yeah just bang them and then and then leave that that hurts way less especially especially if you're up front where is this going it's going nowhere sweetheart you want to ride it no sorry um as far as sex goes it takes too long what it's always worse than you thought it would be oh i'm sorry i haven't read i haven't read any of these by the way and you're sweating your balls off under two feet of thermal blankets dude you know you have the option to not have those blankets on seriously

what the fuck is it with women and the temperature i digress basically i find women overall to be bad value there's two types of men as i see it those in relationships that seem to be able to tolerate tolerate women and those that women won't go out with because they're ugly or don't have enough money but i don't fit into either one of those groups i think i'm perfectly capable of acquiring a girlfriend but i just can't do it at least i can't be bothered maintaining a relationship i can see myself still being single at your age and was wondering how you've dealt with people constantly nagging you about being single i can't really explain that the world is over populated and i'd rather watch my big tv in peace without some little annoying prick running around

because then i'm labeled as some sort of inhumane monster any advice you can offer will be much appreciated you don't need any advice dude you know who you are and you know what you want just continue doing it and you have to realize that people look out of their own heads you know that's so they see the world how they see it and when you don't see it the way they do they argue it or they're just confused you're not hurting anybody you know there's people out there who get married because they're of a certain age like i should be getting married this is the age you get married they marry somebody they're not in love with which is a fucking horrific thing to do to somebody a lot more i don't know there's a lot of people out there who shouldn't have kids they just fucking

have kids and they're terrible fucking parents and they're selfish they'd rather sit around watching tv like me or go learn how to play drums like me i am a selfish self-centered cunt and uh i would you know i think i'd be a good dad at this point but um you know i was an angry fucking maniac when i was in my 20s you think i'm angry now like this podcast wouldn't even have been funny in my 20s it would just be like jesus dude um you know when i would have brought a kid in the world then he would have been an angry maniac so uh i don't know kind of bugs me that i waited this long but in general i'm kind of glad i did um and what else if with that what the fuck was i gonna read oh i know a couple of oh jesus ones and then we're out of here where the hell

how the hell do i get to this uh you motherfucker while i'm trying to get to that um coming up i have um i'm gonna be at the uh the wise guys in utah on uh march 18th and 19th i have all that information up on my website billburr.com um please show up for that show as is it's a nice quick flight and i would like to uh i like nice quick flights makes me even funnier all right here we go here we go is it racist i haven't read this one at all so i have no fucking idea what this person's gonna say so forgive me if this one because the really offensive ignorant ones i just don't read because i think people are just fucking around or you're just beyond help all right hey bill love your podcast love your comedy uh here's what i want to ask if it could be racist when the team warms up

in the shoot around uh i guess basketball they basically well shoot around and there's always one or two white guys who are not players the team managers are assistants who pass the balls back to the players when they make or miss their shots but the white player who was suited up a uniform was standing next to the other assistants or managers and was passing the ball out to the black players and he never got a chance to take a shot before the game started considering every player on the team warmed up except for the white guy who was sitting in a lawn chair rebounding for every other black player on the team is it racist keep up the great work um no there's no racism going there he's either lazy or hurt or there's some sort

of hazing going on he might be a rookie or he fucked up in the last game and that's his punishment or maybe it was his turn i have no idea there's no racism going on there i don't think that they were saying uh you know do they have like a rally their team there and they just decided that uh that this guy could not shoot the fucking ball because he was white i mean you're really uh you're really stretching it there i'll tell you though i did go i did tell you guys this when i went to uh when i went to fucking uh that portland trailblazers game when i was with paul versey and we put money on the trailblazers and they were making a comeback against new orleans and they came down the court in a fast break and they ditched it over to the white guy and he fucking i can't remember if he

missed a dunk or whatever and the second he did it me and paul both looked at each other went fucking white guy fucking white guy why would you get out of the game put on a suit and fucking you know start drawing on that that little fucking legal pad or whatever the fuck it's supposed to be doing but you know or stay out on the perimeter don't try to take it to the fucking rack and if you do try to take it to the rack do what paul gasol does just start screaming like he just got raped because maybe then you can take a couple of unguarded shots shots by the uh the file i'm telling you watch your lakers game anytime paul makes a move oh as he goes there i just fucking hate that fucking well he's a great basketball player with that fucking what are

you yelling about sorry all right bill is it racist um is it racist for me to say all asians are racist uh yes i would think so i'm a white guy that happens to have dated a lot of asian women of different backgrounds from some from asian some asian american some actually born abroad all of whom were explicitly racist mostly against other asian ethnicities for example my korean ex hates japanese people a chinese ex hates philippinos a japanese ex thinks the chinese are stupid and the taiwanese are stuck up etc i should note that i didn't exclusively target asian women to date i dated all sorts of women some of them were asian uh my wife a white girl thinks it's racist racist when i say that all asians are racist yeah well it is dude i mean just

because the five that you banked i mean how many you know me asian women you would have to fuck and have that experience with before you realize that now i'm not gonna sit here and try and pretend like those groups get along with each other you know it's pretty safe to say any country that borders another country they don't like them you know english england and ireland england and france france and germany germany and everybody japan koreans japan what they did to i mean first of all i understand if uh people in china have issues with people in japan for what the fuck they did during world war two i read this book called the rape and nan king i mean that alone it was was just fucking brutal so i mean uh i don't know maybe maybe you i don't know i don't know maybe

you just kept you know you know when you keep dating women i mean women's a psycho and then you kind of figure out that you keep picking psychos did you i don't know well that's kind of i'm kind of stretching it there how does that work did you just keep somehow picking racist asian women were you attracted to them ah it's fucking bizarre but i i think yeah i think it is racist to say that you can't say you could say every asian woman i dated was racist if that's what it was ah what the fuck knows ah anyways hey bill as a fellow pasty white male dating a beautiful black woman i say racist shit all the time really all right the n word is off limits but i do make fun of her for having the middle name lafonts is that i said la ph onz i also tend to react to any

stories on tv shows about young black males by saying how hard it how hard it is for me to live my life as a strong black man i see this is a danger of not reading these up before i consider entering the mr black sandiego contest that would be funny i guess am i racist i'm gonna end up marrying this beautiful woman sorry about the comedy central show not working out if you hear blah blah blah is it racist i'd have to hear how you're doing it if you're fucking around you're being a dick uh you could be a dick yeah i mean a lot of the shit that you said now that i read it out loud on the podcast probably would be considered racist or offensive and that type of thing it depends is is your girlfriend laughing you know i mean i i believe

me the shit that comes out of my mouth when i watch tv every fucking thing you could think of i make fun of fucking everybody um so i if you if you're doing that like my girl watches reality tv i fucking can't stand it okay so i make fun of every goddamn person on it and she laughs sometimes other times she gets annoyed but the reason why she's getting annoyed is because i'm disrupting the show not because i'm truly saying anything offensive but um yeah i don't know i don't know is it is it racist that you're doing that i think she would say something you know i think the day she gets up and punches you in the face i think you're gonna know or she really gets mad and if she really gets fucking mad then you have to realize that you'll be that you're taking it beyond the

point uh and then also just because you have a black girlfriend you can't use that to be like well i have a black girlfriend i can't be racist yes you can yes you can um you could still be fucked up you know right you could have issues but with other groups of people jesus christ i'm i'm fucking sick of this topic i think this might be the last week of this fucking topic all right i've had and you know maybe it's because i'm in a hotel room well you can't open the fucking windows and it's 900 fucking degrees out you know why can't i open the fucking windows and get fresh air in here instead of having to turn on the goddamn air conditioner why the fuck can't i do that shit you know why because there's a bunch of sue happy fucking cunts out here which is why you can't open

the fucking windows in a hotel room because they got to worry that some douchebag is going to get drunk and fall out or jump out himself you know so then guys like me have to suffer it's the same fucking reason why you can't find a goddamn hotel pool that's deeper than three feet because some fucking asshole is going to get drunk and drown himself in a legitimate deep end oh here's something i learned and i actually tweeted about it like a fucking pussy is um here's one for you don't judge a hotel by its lobby all right it's the same thing is when you have a piece of shit car and you want to sell it so you slap some rims on it you know or a high performance fucking exhaust system so it sounds like it has more power than it does all right it's fucking because they

they go all out with the lobby and then they put that shit on the website and you think everything's fucking fine and dandy and then all of a sudden what happens you get in the goddamn elevator and you step off the elevator and they have that casino rug from fucking 1973 looks like they sewed together like 12 robin williams fucking shirts dude i have in in my hotel i have an old school fucking what do you call the old old tube it's not a flat screen it's fucking ridiculous the amount of money i'm on miami beach and i don't want to fucking talk about it whatever all right that's the podcast for this goddamn week all right people stop suing people so we can have legitimate fucking pools can you can you do that so you can open a hotel fucking window it's your fault if you fall out

okay it's your fault if your kids are moron and you're not a good parent if the kid crawled away from you and fell out the fucking window what what were you doing huh tie him down it's fucking brutal um all right that's the podcast for this week i'm gonna hype some upcoming dates here uh i'm live i never sweated during a fucking podcast before suddenly ridiculously hot um all right here we go um and we at wise guys in west valley city utah um on uh march 18th and 19th what you guys think about that that kid on byu sorry i had the hiccups kid on byu played on the basketball team and he admitted that he had pre-marital sex knocked his girlfriend up said he was gonna marry her and they still kicked him off the team i got to go with the college on

that one believe it or not you know they told you what the rules were if you didn't like the rules don't go to the fucking school you know that's like if i if i get booked on a corporate gig i know i've used this example before and they said we want him to work totally clean this is how much we're gonna pay and i say okay and then i show up and then i i start dropping f bombs right they're fucking they have the right to get mad don't take the fucking gig don't go to biu byu if you want some pussy this they they make you sign a no pussy contract don't sit there and act surprised and all these other fucking assholes who aren't Mormons with 32 why that's why they that's why they marry so many fucking women by the way so that they're trying to make

up for those college years when they didn't get the fuck you know and now because they're married they can have a fucking orgy can you imagine that that would be that would problem do you think that would be worth it and i know the old joke jesus christ you can't put over one woman get above fucking four you know actually the reality is you just get you know a couple of call girls undo that pay them and then just have them fucking leave right that's probably what you should do but if you had four fucking wives that would be great you would win every argument unless they all banded together then you'd be in trouble oh Jesus you could do a lot of pimp shit too start you know to gain even more control you could just you know the ones that

the weakest one you start treating her the best because she's doing all the good shit then you break down the other ones you know till you get them in line then they look like once you know these proud free mustangs running in the wind now they're just sitting there with their heads looking down at the carpers they bring you over tv dinner i think i'm gonna move to utah um i'm also gonna be at the uh i'm gonna be at the wretchy wretchy theater in uh maryland on april eighth and i'm gonna be at the uh tawa theater in philadelphia on april the ninth um all these dates are on bill bird dot com and uh that is it that is that is the podcast for this week i hope all you guys uh hope you enjoyed it i hope you learned some things i hope i hope i annoyed some

potheds out there potheds i'm just fucking around all right smoke it every god damn day i don't give a shit all right but don't give me this horseshit that it's not addicting all right you smoke it because you can't fucking deal yeah i shouldn't even tell you this story i had a buddy of mine he was fucking he was working at car dealership one time and he got high and there was somebody looking at a car and you know and they were bent down in front of the car and he got in the car and it was a stick shift and he didn't press in the clutch and he turned the key and it lurch forward he hit the guy right in the head and he tried to act he would never admit that he was high it was like dude it was he goes he

calls me up right he's like dude he leaves a message he's whispering that's how fucking scared he is he's whispering into my phone maybe he's at work i don't know he's like dude i i i i i i hit somebody with a car dude i i i i thought i had the car dude dude i i thought i had the car a neutral dude and i i went to turn the key and it dude i hit the guy in the head dude do call me somehow he didn't get fired that's another reason why i think weed is worse than booze people you know you can get fucking high at work no one fucking knows no one knows you know little vizine a little fucking gum no one knows right you guys are bringing down this country with your fucking cookies you realize that you're a bunch of lazy dorita eating sons of bitches

just sitting there getting baked do you realize that your potheads are the reason why so many awful movies get made because they know they know people out there are smoking dope and then when they put it out on on demand they're gonna fucking rent it and it doesn't always to be like remotely funny and then shit that wasn't even supposed to be funny is gonna be funny because these fucking potheads are gonna be sitting there they're gonna be high giggling like a bunch of school girls you know you potheads got a lot of fucking balls you realize that you have fucking disgusting fucking habit passing it around to each other that's why that's why there's so many goddamn cold sores out there you know the number one cause of cold sores in this country is you fucking

potheads passing the things around to each other do you realize that you know i'm gonna crack and open a beer i don't remember passing it around to nine other fucking people hey let me get a swig of that open your own you cunt it's why i like weed man it's more social ah go fuck yourself why don't you go take a fucking shower and take off those goddamn outback pants all right i'm sick of them all right with your bracelet around your ankle all right you're not more in touch with nature because you're smoking trees all right get out there get a fucking job straighten up potheads you just spent the last decade of your life on a fucking couch you know when are you gonna put your helmet on getting the goddamn game is that what you're

gonna do you're gonna sit there like some kept woman except you're kept by yourself and your fucking awful habit i gotta get high dude i can't deal unless i'm high you know you're really gonna sit there and act like you don't know that guy how come all they talk about is the alcoholics this is like the fucking broads all they do is talk about wife beaters but they never bring up gold digging horse why don't you fucking get your goddamn fucking pothead ass up off the couch and go look in the fucking mirror look look what you're doing to yourself look at your eyes feel how your brain feels compressed i'm looking down my alky nose at all you fucking potheds there is a reason why weed is illegal and alcohol isn't all right because alcohol is better for

you alcohol is what a man does all right weed is what some pussy does who who can't afford to pay for a good pizza so he's gotta fucking get himself so fucking disoriented that that's how domino survives those fucking assholes do you know dominoes make such shitty pizza that actually potheds even fucking noticed you realize that so they actually had to have an ad campaign where they fucking admit that their pizza sucks and that it's stuck to the top of the box and it's completely unacceptable right and now their big ad ad campaign is we we admit that our pizza sucks and now we're going to start trying we've only been around for what 30 fucking years now we're actually going to try to make decent pizza right so you think automatically they're going

to raise the price they're going to add to the quality they're still selling like a large cheese pizza for 599 all right people you get what you pay for all right don't order dominoes that's pothead pizza that's what those fucking drug users that's what that's that's what they they stick in their temple all right that's why they're so fucking dumb that's why it was last time you talked to a smart pothead have you ever you ever seen a pothead with initiative you know you know how many people are going to take that seriously and start sending me fucking emails about what about Bob Marley band where he fucking go all new kind of music man he was fucking dead of lung cancer you know from smoking goddamn joints the size of a bus exhaust it's no different no

different than a boozehunter drinks himself to death at 28 you know i think you know i think your potheads you guys have been on your high horse long enough i think it's time i fucking knocked you off a little bit are you even gonna notice you're probably already off the horse laying in the grass right letting the breeze go through your toes is that what you did today instead of going out and earning your fucking rent you're gonna call your parents up again this week hit him up for some more money because you ran out of fucking Cheetos huh you're too fucking old to have a full body tan why don't you go get a goddamn job you son of a bitch all right there you go once a week i gotta try to piss off one group it keeps the emails coming um all right that's it that's the

podcast of this week i want to thank everybody seriously i'm not fucking around here like i was with the potheads there right so fucking don't get all fucking pissed off man um i want to thank everybody who came out to my shows at the uh the miami symphony fucking uh superman's house it's really what it looked like um and i really hope a bunch of people show up in Utah uh and don't be don't be stuck up cunts all right with your fucking religion okay i i don't need that i don't need you and your seven wives sitting there staring at me like i got a fucking problem all right fuck you and your legal orgy okay i think that's it all right that's the podcast everybody go fuck yourselves i'll talk to you

next week have a good week don't talk any shit i'll talk some shit don't take any shit there we go that's it i'm gonna go get a sunburn i'll see you in the berging in the keuken selfs in the living they're really lying everywhere the empty batteries but now we're going to the finish bring them to a b-bass ensemble point you always find one in your neighborhood on b-bass.be together recycle better for nature and for us all campaign together working with the oven