Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-7-16

Episode Date: March 8, 2016

Bill rambles about blow, cake and the UFC.

Ikea, tip of the week. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15, Ikea family members will be free to buy a warm meal for adults. Ikea Ikea I can't feel my face when I'm with you, but I like it.

Oh, what are you doing, man? You fucking some chick on blow? You didn't do blow when you were with her, now you're with her, now you're doing blow. Boy, I can't believe that shit came back. You know, I thought coke was just done. You know, after all the people did what they did from my generation, you would think that

the next generations would be like, you know what? Yeah, I'm going to stay away from that shit. Right? It's not how it works. One generation does it. Like my generation, we were like, wow, man, let's stay away from, hey man,

like let's stay away from LSD and heroin, because that's like a bad trip, man. And then we fucked with like coke and crack, crank, all of that shit, right? That ruined all of our fucking lives. And then the next generation was just like, man, fuck all that stuff. Let's fuck with crystal meth, right?

So now this next wave is like fuck crystal meth. You know, let's kick it old school, let's go back to the coke, right? You have an entire generation of people that not only can't fill their faces, but yeah, evidently they like it. Oh god, where do you go from there? Sorry, I'm trying to update my musical taste.

I've decided that after fucking 40 years of listening to the same fucking 10 bands, you know, not 40, like 30. Man, Jesus Christ, how many fucking times can you listen to it? I always liked those. You have those people walking in the circle, the circle in the jail at midnight express.

Remember that when they were walking counterclockwise and then the dude was gonna escape. You had the drugs, you know, whose girlfriend put her titties up against the glass. He started walking around the other way. Remember that? Yeah, that's what I'm doing right now. I'm walking around the other way

and every of my generation is just going, what are you listening to this shit for? It's like, I don't know, how many times can you listen to it? I've been listening to that for fucking 30 years. I gotta pull myself out of the mud, man. I don't know, I just, yeah, I would like to listen to something new. So the lovely Nia was watching all the performances

from the Grammys last night, so I just started downloading everything that I would see. Whether I liked it or not, I'm like, I'm just gonna listen to this shit, you know? It's kind of like when I try to put a new hour of stand-up together where I'm just like, ah, you know, this doesn't, this isn't a good idea, but I'm gonna say it anyways

because I can't say the other shit because that's coming out. So I just start throwing shit against the wall. So this morning I was listening to, I listened to a little bit of the weekend. Dude, sounds just like Michael Jackson, right? I think he does. And who else did I download?

That girl looks like MC Search, right? The fuck's her name? I don't know, she was singing about a relationship and she was over it and she just looked like she had this high-top fade, you know, but also knew how to like make a fucking rocket. She looked really smart, you know, yet like you wouldn't want to fuck with her.

I don't know, she kind of had it all going on. It's like, is this a nerd? Is this a bully? Is this a rapper? Or is she a witch? But the band is fucking great, so she, I don't, you know, after all of that shit, I'm probably not gonna say who the fuck it is,

even if I figure it out because I don't wanna shit on people like that. Anyways, I had a killer SG though, the fucking three pickups, you know, that Serpent Green, they went out, they crushed it, right? I actually saw, what's his face there? The fucking, the dude who's getting the worst tattoos ever. He's got the Lamborghini and fucking,

didn't like, no, Kishan Johnson chased him up his front door. The fuck is his name? Justin Bieber, I actually watched that, that guy can sing, he's fucking talented. I just don't, you should just, just do that. Just do that, stop filming yourself playing basketball and whatever else it's doing, mean mugging your fucking GoPro.

Just sing your song and fucking go home. Why wouldn't you do that? He's actually a talented kid, although I didn't like when he threw the acoustic guitar down in the end, you know, what are you fucking Pete Townsend? You're not, okay? You got the inner ear fucking monitors,

you're protecting your hearing, okay? You're not, you're not, nobody's blowing up a drum set and part of the fucking drum set goes right into your fucking ear, okay? Nobody's getting crushed at your fucking concerts, they've worked all of that out, you know? Sorry, see, and then I go right back to the grumpy old man.

I've seen all of this before. I'm just, I'm trying to give the kid a copy, he's fucking really talented, he can actually really sing. So anyways, and then I was listening to the other dude there, what the fuck's his name? For the life of me, I don't understand why I can't just download shit

and then just find it. And every fucking time it goes back to the album thing. I like it when they just list the songs. I don't need to see the picture of the album. Every time this happens, I forget how to do it. Oh, okay, artists, songs. There we go. Oh, and speaking of which,

on everybody was sending a bunch, each week when I do the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, you know, when we go into the greatest hits of the Monday morning podcast, there's always a little musical interlude. I do not pick that music. That's Andrew Themlis,

and then he posts on the Twitter site what the name of the music is. So last week it was Snarky Puppy, okay? That's who the fuck it was. He posts it every week. Just fucking look it up, all right? At the MM podcast or some shit, I forget what the, I don't know what the Twitter account is.

What am I going to follow myself? Anyways, plowing ahead. So Friday night, oh, freckles! I took a night off from stand-up, all right? Friday, that's a big night to take a night off. That's like not showing up Thanksgiving, you know, if you like to eat, you know? So I went down to the Wiltern Theater

with Andrew, and I saw Mute Math, and they were fucking unbelievable. Cannot, I tweeted, I cannot overstate how great a fucking show that was, and I wish I remember the name of the opening band too. They were all so great, but what just killed me was, I had never been to a show like that,

like whatever that style of music is. I don't even know what the style of music is, but just going from, you know, the shit I've been listening to for 30 years straight. Welcome to the Jaguar! All right? You're walking in bars, driving in cars.

I listened to the same 90 songs for 30 fucking years in a row. I never wanted to be that guy. So just going to those, seeing those bands, that's how they use guitar, where it's more used for, like, mood, where, but when I was growing up, like, the guitar was like the dick

that got thrown on the table, right? Just slapped you right in the face with it. There was always the lead singer, and then you had the guitar god, and then the fucking dude playing rhythm guitar, who was not appreciated until at least 25 years into that band's career. You know?

Like Malcolm Young really didn't get his props until, like, the mid-90s, I feel. That's the preferred same fucking thing. You know, Ronnie Wood, all of these guys, just playing rhythm guitar, holding the whole fucking thing together, right? And they don't get shit for the longest fucking time. But Jesus Christ, mute math live, man.

They're fucking unreal. So by the way, they're playing Portland, Oregon tonight. That's Monday, depending on when you listen to this. Tuesday they're in Seattle, then they're off for a week, and then they start back up again in Richmond. If you get a chance to see them, you will not be disappointed.

And if you're an old fuck like me, they are a great band to go see, to try to bring you into the modern era. You know, if you're listening to this, come on, you can't tell me, somebody's a little bit younger than me, you haven't been listening to that fucking Pearl Jam record, 10, you know?

Well, they're all giving each other the high five, the big bro picture. We're all in this together, man! Right. You can't tell me that you haven't been listening to that. How many times are you going, Jitterbucket! Yeah!

Fucking 25 years later. I'm not saying don't ever listen to it again. Right? Look, you can do whatever the fuck you want, but I never wanted to be that guy going, ah, this is in music. Right? Then going into my house,

ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, right? Going in there doing the fucking Jitterbug. Having said that, Jeff Beck is playing the Hollywood Bowl, and I have to see that guy. He's like 70. His buddy guy is opening up,

and there's no fucking way I'm going to miss that. You know, that guy's one of the greatest, he is the guy, you know? I think from that whole fucking era, other than Jimi Hendrix, I think, I think you got to give it to Jeff Beck, right? Man, out of my mind, I'm sure there's some black guy out there that I'm forgetting,

you know, who got stolen from Bunchus, as far as white dudes who listened to black dudes and then reshaped it, right? I think you got to give it to that guy. No? Well, you know, it's just my opinion, you know, got to get fucking upset by it. So anyways, what I'm obsessed with right now

is far, like the drummer Darren Kay, the guy's fucking insane, and it was funny because, um, you know, Andrew got to know those guys, so I got to go backstage and meet him briefly, and, uh, you know, after the show, they were going, hey, did you learn anything watching our drummer?

And I was just like, no. And I heard the drum, Darren goes, ah, like, I didn't mean it. I hope I didn't come off in an insulting way. It's like, dude, you're too fucking far beyond anything that I'm doing. Watching him, it was like watching, like Keith, it was like Keith Moon

playing drum and bass, and then they have this sick ass fucking light show going on. And I was just sitting there squinting, watching, just going like, what? What is he doing? Ain't no fucking clue. Um, I did take one video

while they were playing, because I, it's coolest, you know, the iPhone is and how great the video is and everything. I just fucking hate, like, being at something and then just sitting there filming it, like I'm working for CBS Nightly News or some shit.

It's like, I want to stand here and I want to take this in. There's enough other cunts here, like filming this shit. I can watch this. It'll be on the internet forever, right? So anyways, there's this song clipping that they play.

And, um, I had no idea what he was doing and Andrew was going, watch what he does here. And he literally has, like, two drumsticks. And, uh, two drumsticks in his right hand and he's playing. This is going to be some drum geek shit,

so you might want to pass through this. He's playing, as far as I can tell, he's basically playing sixth, eighth, no triplets. Da-da-da-da-da-da, two-da-da-da, three-da-da-da-da, four, right? But he's only, he's playing like, he's doing it with two sticks in one hand.

So the one on top is hitting the top of the hi-hat, the one underneath is hitting the bottom of the hi-hat. So up top, what he's really just, he's playing like every other note of the triplet, like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

But he gets the, as he's bringing that stick up, the one underneath hits it. So that's how he gets the full sixteenth note, right? Sorry, I know this is really nerdy shit. And then with his left hand, he's basically ghosting the offbeat and then playing the backbeat

on two and four, and then dragging, I believe, on the final note of the triplet into one. That's what he's doing. Now I know that's drum nerd shit, but I'll post the video.

It's fucking insane. So of course, I went to the, you know, went down to the studio the next day and I tried to do it, you know, for like ten minutes, you know, and whatever you learn something, you know, the first thing you do is you immediately try to play it

at the same tempo as the drum god that you saw playing it. So it was really fucking frustrating. I think I said, what the fuck, like ten times? And then I just, you know, just scrolled through my iPod, iPad, whatever, my iPhone, and I just, hey mom, I just started playing

in the same shit I've been playing through for 30 fucking years. I don't know what my deal is. I can't get out of it. Thank God I buy new clothes. You know, you should be like, you should be forced to wear the clothes. If you don't move ahead artistically,

your wardrobe shouldn't either. You should be forced to fucking wear the same. I should be wearing acid-washing jeans with a fucking half-shirt driving down the street, my rusted-out 83 Ford Ranger. And they'd be like, listen, if you're not going to progress

with the art of music, you know, or whatever, if you're going to watch the same ten fucking films, yeah, I had no idea how far behind I was. So, and I'm looking at mute math like they haven't been fucking crushing it for ten years. I actually went on the internet and I looked them up and they like did Letterman 2005. There you go, Bill.

Way to be on the cutting edge. So, whatever. I feel like I took a major step forward, but I want to thank everyone in the band for, you know, letting us come back and say hello real quick. Darren, Paul, Roy, and Todd, you guys were fucking, you crushed it.

And thank you to Andrew for taking me down there and pointing out what the fuck was going on so I could, you know, so the old man could figure it out. I will definitely see those guys whenever I'm in a city that they're in and I'm able to do it. It was that good of a fucking show. And like I said, they're in Portland, then Seattle,

and they got a week off, then they're in Richmond. So definitely check it out. Anyways, plowing ahead here. So that was my Friday, all right? So as a comedian, there's no way you take a Friday, Saturday off unless the UFC has a fucking pay-per-view and it's Conor McGregor and Holly Holm are fighting, right? So I'm like, all right, I got to watch.

I thought they were both title fights. I didn't realize that Conor's fight was not a title fight. I think most people didn't realize that. Most people like me got drawn into a sport when there's someone like his, you know, I go in and out of the UFC, you know, like most shit. I go in and out of cooking. I go in and out of being a good comedian.

I'm just, I'm in and out, right? I'm a fucking Gemini. I'm into it. I'm into it. Go fuck yourself. Hey, remember that shit? Then I come back, right? Except with my music.

I just held on to it for just a little, a little too, you know? You can't always get what you want. What am I talking about? Anyway, so we have a bunch of people over, right? We go out. I go to the grocery store. I get a bunch of, I get some booze. I get, I get some Gabogoo.

I get some fucking Ajiba. Oh, I get some fucking cheese and all of that shit. All right. I go out and I get a bunch of ice cream sandwiches after everybody's all fucking salted up with the Doritos and we sit down to watch the shit. And what a fucking pay-per-view, man. You know, spoiler alert. You know, if you haven't heard yet, I'm going to say who won.

Misha Tate beat Holly home, you know, and Nate Diaz beat Conor McGregor. It was fucking unreal. Did anybody else host a UFC fight party? How fucking satisfied did you feel? It was unreal. I had like 10 people screaming, oh my God, over and over again. Like twice in one night, flipping the fuck out. More screaming and yelling during that pay-per-view than I've heard in any Super Bowl,

you know, I don't know, Super Bowl party that I've been to in a while. It was unbelievable, but Jesus Christ. Once again, well, I always hate when a comedian is getting ready for a special or a late night spot and they say that they trained like a fighter. It's so disrespectful to what the men and women do who fight for a fucking living. It is the most badass. I'm trying to think of like a more badass job than that other than, you know, you're one of the grunts on the front line in a war.

I mean, your fucking job is you just train. You're training to beat the fuck out of somebody who's training to beat the fuck out of you. When you both are professionals, you do it for a living. A whole crowd of people shows up. You ever have a fight after school and like 10 people showed up? It was fucking nerve wracking. Fight, fight, fight. These guys walk into a fucking arena.

Shirtless. Just walking down there and they got to stare down some fucking maniac. I live on the ground, right? And they're just taking fucking elbows and they have the presence of mind to look over at the clock. Like, how much more of this shit? Another minute 38 of forearms to my fucking forehead. I don't know how they take it. So unbelievable fight.

I didn't realize that Connor had gone up in two-way classes. Just like I said, I'm a very like novice fan of this stuff. But Jesus Christ. Fucking Nate D is sitting there. His whole face is all bloody. And he says, you know, I got this. I've taken your worst shot. She can't knock me out.

That's just scar tissue. I've bled before. I don't know. I don't know how the fuck you do that. He was bleeding so much. It looked like both of them were bleeding to death. Because once he got up against McGregor, well, it was all over both of them. I don't know.

I really don't have anything to say other than I was blown away by both fucking fights. And, you know, as hard as it is to what I was was to watch Connor lose. Because, I mean, the guy's a fucking superstar. Talking shit and then backing it up. It was, you know, watching Nate do his choking and fucking. I was fucking unreal. I don't know. I don't know enough about the sport to talk about it intelligently, but I will say this.

I hate when someone like Connor loses and then everybody, yeah, you fucking pussy. Say all that shit on the internet, you know, go on Twitter and start trashing the guy. You know, I want to talk to people right now. If you're one of those people that do that, how do you, how do you like, how do you do something like that and like look yourself in the mirror when you go to brush your teeth that night? You know, knowing you haven't had a fight since like the seventh grade. You know, the fuck is wrong with you?

If you talked all that fucking shit, that's what it made it great. Selling the fight. I don't know. How great was that fucking lies? You just knocked out Conner or choked out Conner McGregor. How does it feel? He grabs the mic goes, I'm not surprised motherfuckers. I don't know about you guys, but that's one of the fucking coolest things I've ever seen.

To fucking choke out someone as good as McGregor and then stand up all fucking bloody and just walk around flexing, not even wiping the blood off, not concerned about how fucked up your face is. You don't give a fuck, right? Whatever. Jesus Christ. The second I got a little scratch, I would have just, oh my God, am I bleeding? Get him off me.

That was great to see Misha went to, but as a fellow fair skinned person, I felt bad for Holly home. You know, just the second we start getting beat on, just our face just gets so fucking red and then our yellow eyebrows stand out. I just thought there was a lot of mean shit said about her when it came to that. I just really related to it. By the way, what the fuck happened to Nate's the side of his face and his neck? Those scratches?

How did that happen? Like somebody took like a fucking, somebody took a knife down the side of his face and his neck. He's just sitting there pawing at it. I've gotten scratched like that. Every time somebody like exhaled, just the wind of that made me go into the fetal position. But anyways, you know, as great as that UFC pay-per-view was, what just makes me so fucking mad about what has happened to boxing.

If they just could somehow, if all the piece of shit promoters in boxing could just unify and become one piece of shit promoter, you know, promotional entity, like the UFC is, right? Because you know, you know, you're not the deal. I mean, if you're in any level of show business, you know the promoters are fucking over the acts. You know they are. And in UFC, it's the fighters.

You know, I know in some, I don't know anything about it, but I know in some level, they are getting fucked. And because they're a complete monopoly, I'm sure they're fucking with their money. I'm sure there's a pressure to make people fight and that type of shit, which is why they try to break up monopolies. Having said that, it's fucking great for the fans because the fact that the fighters have no other options, it's just the best fight the best. And like last night, like I haven't had that kind of excitement, like watching like a boxing

pay per view, like consistently the way the UFC is consistently exciting like that, since I would say the middleweight division in the early 80s, when you had Roberto Duran, Tommy Hearns, marvelous Marvin Hagler and Sugar Ray Leonard, all fighting each other. They all fought each other. They fought each other numerous fucking times. It was incredible. I guess when Mike Tyson came along, but that was just more the spectacle of how quick was he going to just knock these people out?

I don't know, just seeing a pay per view like that and then seeing that it took fucking 10 years for the Mayweather Pacquiao fight and then one of them shows up and he's fucking hurt and doesn't say anything. He doesn't say anything and you're still out 60 bucks. It's just fucking brutal. So anyways, hats off to that fucking pay per view. Jesus Christ. I actually watched the McGregor fight again.

I'm fucking believable. I was just looking at the blood. I'm going, he's just going to keep fucking punching him right in that eye. Just keep punching him right in that fucking eye. Like who did that to that guy with the fucking yellow hair, bleached hair? Was it fucking? What the fuck was his name? GSP?

I can't even remember their fucking names. He just kept punching the dude in the eye over and over and over and then it was over. So I thought that that's what McGregor was going to do is keep punching Nate in that fucking eye. I just don't know how you do it. How the fuck you sit there with him? I'm done. I'm fucking done.

You scratch me. I am done. Keep fighting. All right. I just keep saying the same thing over again. I was blown away by it and respect to everybody who fought there. Anyways, you know what's weird too is McGregor is still the champion. I didn't know that.

I just assumed if you lost, that's it, right? You're not a champ anymore? Or you don't have the belt? You're always a champ, right? How do I get out of this? I don't know anything about this sport. All right. Let me get to the advertising.

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But boy, don't they warn you. It pours. Man, it pours. Sorry. I was sleeping upstairs last night. Oh fucking Joey roses swung by the house. We had a couple of cocktails, right? And then he went home, Ubered it like the hipster that he is over to his hipster neighborhood.

You know, this fucking is jegs on whatever the kids were wearing nowadays. And I don't know. The only time I snore is when I fucking booze. So I wasn't going to do that to the lovely Nia. So I crashed upstairs and it started thundering and lightning at night. And what's fucking hilarious about living out here slash terrifying is it never rains. So when you hear thunder, you automatically think it's a fucking earthquake. But your bed isn't moving.

So you kind of like, well, wait a minute. Am I, I've never heard an earthquake that I couldn't feel. And you got to like do the math when you have to sleep going. Is that like an earthquake? And you know, in the valley and I can't fucking hear it, I can hear it, but I can't feel it. That doesn't make any sense. And then you find figure, oh my God, that's thunder. Holy shit.

It's fucking raining out. Right. What is that in French? You put you play. I can't fucking remember. I suck at that shit. It needs it is snowing. Anyways, it starts fucking raining and it's tremendous.

It's rained a bunch. It's an El Nino year. Thank Christ. And but what's always the depressing thing in the back of my head is as green and as lush as the hills look right now. This is like basically the only rain we're going to get for the next fucking three years. And I know every cunt out here is taking long showers now going to fucking droughts over, you know, I just hope. I don't know. I hope it fucking rain keeps raining as much as it possibly fucking cans or it can or there's a massive goddamn plague out here.

One of the other something's got to give right. That's depressing. Is it? All right, let's get into. Oh, no, wait, I was going to tell you another thing. So yesterday I was just driving around hanging out with my wife and they got a bunch of open houses out here. So I can't fuck it. Let's go look at some houses.

You know, get some ideas for our old ass kitchen. See what a real kitchen looks like. Right. And I got to tell you, haven't bought this house and gone through all the shit that I've gone through. I look at houses entirely different. I'm immediately looking at the windows. Do they have the old ass original windows? And I immediately want to go downstairs.

If there's a crawl space, anything I want to go down there. And I'm smelling for water. And you can't really do that a lot out here because it doesn't rain enough, but I immediately look underneath the fucking house. I look right up its fucking skirt, like the home pervert I am. And I'm immediately looking for, all right, let's see. What does the electrical work look like? You know, is it galvanized pipe? What kind of shithole, you know, looking how stuff is put together?

Does this look like it had a permit or not? And, you know, all the sexy shit goes away. Like we have a pool and I'm just looking at it going like, yeah, that's okay. That looks like a piece of shit to me. That looks like you need to redo the whole floor of that fucking thing. And so you got to dump out all the fucking water. And evidently, you can't fill your pool up with water anymore. Out here, you have to fly the fucking water in.

So fuck that pool. I haven't even got in the house yet. You know, well, there's a classic they're saying it's a two-car garage, but it is if you drive two Model T Fords. But if you have any sort of modern car, you're not going to be able to get the, oh, you can get two in there, but nobody can get out of the cars. So I was just a negative Nelly. And I actually realized that my house isn't as bad as I thought it was now that I fucking dumped every fucking dime that I have into it. No, maybe feel good. I was just walking in the kitchen.

I'm like, there's no prep space here. All this disco shit. I don't see any place where I could fucking slice an English muffin. You know what? Fuck this kitchen. Fuck the pool. Fuck the kitchen. And fuck this galvanized pipe.

Oh, oh, look at this. Oh, wow, rugs, rugs in every room. Yeah, take your shoes off. Why is that? Yeah, because the floors haven't been refinished in fucking 80 years. Fuck these floors. Let's go upstairs. Oh, great.

I see this used to be an attic. Oh, yeah, you calling that an office? Yeah. Yeah. I like how you're showing it during the wintertime because I know what happens in the summertime. It fucking heats up up here, right? You can grow a fucking goddamn bushel of fucking marijuana up here every fucking three hours. Fuck this office, right?

You want to sign up on our mailing list? No, I don't. Because you're selling piece of shit houses. And then that's it. I walked. And I was done. And of course, I upset my wife because all I did was just, sorry, I accidentally just shut off the fucking recorder.

I actually, I upset my wife because, you know, she's like, I like, you know, I thought we could just have fun. I don't understand why you have to go in the house and be rude to the real estate people. I don't like those people, you know, because they don't encourage you to sell your house, you know, air quote for a fucking profit. So then you can buy back into the same market and then everything you just made on your house, you got to buy, you got to spend again just to get the same fucking house. I actually said that to the guy.

I think that that's what made my wife mad. And I go, yeah, the only people making money out here are you and the banks. And the guy's like, well, you know, that's not necessarily true. Yeah, do the math. Tell me how that works. Can we get you on the mailing list? All right, let's read some fucking questions here. Questions here for the goddamn week.

Keska say. Keska say mall. Something right. What is what does. I don't fucking know. Guess could tell. I'm just never going to get it. You know what, I just, there's no reason for me to speak it.

All right, let's, let's plow ahead here. All right. The March 3rd podcast fucking brilliant podcast yesterday March match third 2016. Thank you. One of the very best. And I've heard hundreds of your podcasts. Nobody drowns in their own vomit anymore.

Great brain dude. Thank you. Greg and hamburger. Let me know if you're coming over here. Well, that's not a fucking question. That's just a kind of, you don't compliment this question. That's it. Well, thank you.

I'm going to be doing Germany hopefully towards the end of the year. I'm definitely getting over there. All right. Okay. Guy who invented the invented email. Died. He said, Uncle Freddie died. Uncle Freddie.

Hey, Bill, I'm sending you an email about the guy who invented email dying today. This is my way of honoring what he did. I imagine he'll get very little press because. Nancy just say no Reagan died this weekend too. Here's an article from an. Here's an excerpt from an article about him. Internet Hall of Famer Ray Tomlinson has died. Tomlinson was the man who basically invented email as we know it today,

including making the choice to use the at sign in an email address. He was 74 years old. Tomlinson, I think I said his name wrong the first time Tomlinson invented email. A system where a user on one network could send a message to someone on the another network in 1971. Oh, they left some of it out of there. Tomlinson invented a network. I mean, I'm going to read it the way I see it.

Tomlinson or Tomlinson. However, I feel like reading Tomlinson invented email. A system where a user on one network could send a message to someone on another network. While the government advertisers and hackers could all read your private information. This was invented in 1971. Had Tomlinson had any idea what people were going to do with his invention? What do you have made it? What do you have invented it?

And the answer is, of course, he would have. How else was he going to get some pussy? All right. This was his slug line. Hey, can you meet my fucking friend Tomlinson over here? I don't want to meet him. Hey, he invented email. Oh my God.

Hey, you. Could I touch your pee pee? That's actually really interesting. There's Internet Hall of Famers. Now I have to look that up. Who's in the Internet Hall of Fame? Jesus Christ. I want to see images too.

I want to see what the fuck these people look like. Internet Hall of Fame. Here we go. Come on, man. Internet Hall of Fame homepage. Holy shit. 2014 Hall of Fame inductees. I didn't know this.

This is fucking awesome. Internet Hall of Fame. Paul Vixie. Internet Piracy. Well, let me see the list. Inductees. All right. Here we go.

Here's a list. Here's a list of who. Who isn't? All right. Here's some of the pioneers. Look at these fucking eggheads. Jesus Christ. Wow.

Wow. Oh, my God. If I could do a fucking screenshot of this, I got to put the link up here. My God. What is it about being super smart and just... I guess everybody gets one gift. I'll tell these people this is a rough one, you know?

There's a lot of fucking lonely prom nights on this page. All right. Douglas Engelbart. This is good-looking. Is that fucking name? Oh, he looks like a sweet old man. Let's see what this guy... Dougie.

Jesus Christ. He's got the old man face. In 1963, Dr. Engelbart founded the Augmentation Research Center Lab at SR. Yes. How do you tell a woman that that's your dream and she's not going to glaze over?

Try doing that while that fucking... I can't feel my face when I'm with you. I want to start the Augmentation Research Center Lab. Where are you going? Where he pioneered a system for augmenting human intellect in which workers sitting at display workstations could collaborate on solutions to humanity's problems through a vast online information space.

Did it matter that no one ever fucking uses it? Look at this guy. He fucking... See, this is what all these... These guys are all... All these men and women, their hearts in the right fucking place, and then these fucking lunatics in these corporations,

these sociopaths get their fucking manicured fingers on these things. All right. Susan Estrada. You could tell she was a looker back in the day. God, I bet all these guys fucking jerked off to her, which came around the fucking Augmentation Lab. Susan here yet?

This is probably the woman... This woman here was probably the inspiration for the fucking virtual reality sex suit that they're trying to work on. Estrada founded CERF Surfnet, one of the original regional IP networks in 1988. Surfnet served the academic and commercial communities in California.

I still don't even know what it is. As an executive director, she took the initial National Science Foundation funding, $2.8 million and grew the network from 25 sites to hundreds of sites. I don't know what it does. All right. Let's look at this.

Dennis Jennings. This guy looks like a fucking NFL ref from 1958. As the first program director for networking at the U.S. National Science Foundation, Dr. Jennings was responsible for the design and the development of NSFnet program. No way. He did that.

I have no idea what any fucking people did. Come on, man. He's trying to find somebody who looks... Okay, this guy is not a bad looking guy. Oh, yes, he is. He isn't. He's got a full head of hair, but you can just see he's a spaz.

He's one of those guys who seems sort of cool until he starts laughing. All right. Eric Beena. Beena co-created with fellow Internet Hall of Famer Mark Anderson, the first version of the Mosaic web browser in 1993. I think I kind of know what that is.

All right. You know what? And with that, I'm fucking bored, just like the chicks walking away from these people at the blah. Internet Hall of Famer. Well, you know what? Moment of silence for Ray Tomlinson.

His heart was in the right place. Who knew that pedophiles would use his invention to send pictures and shit. All right. From Scotland. Dear Billy Big Dicks. I've been working flat out in work back in Scotland and now taking a three-week vacation in the U.S.

I'm 27 years old and have never been across the pond, so this is a big deal for me. Well, welcome. A chance to see you nutcases up close and personal. I'm planning Vegas, Death Valley, and Grand Canyon to see some outdoor epicness. Then on to Chicago to see the Blackhawks wipe the floor where the fly is.

Wow, man. That sounds like a great trip. Then Paddy's Day. Oh, boy. Then New York City to pop my wee cherry. To a first time in the U.S. What would be your top three things to do? I would really appreciate the advice.

Alaska, fuck yourself, you big Nancy boy. Okay. The three things I would do. Well, I mean, you're kind of doing, you're doing some amazing shit. All right. If I was coming to America, what would I do? I'd do it.

I'd live here. I don't know what the fuck to do. That's like, you know, you never know what the touristy shit is to do. You tell your own place, you take it for granted. Like when I lived in New York, I never went to this. I went to Statue of Liberty once.

I went when my grandmother visited. You know, I didn't do any of that shit. I was just trying to get to work. All right. If I had to pick three cities, I would do only three. All right. You got to go to New York. I would say Chicago,

but you get enough New York with Chicago. I would see San Francisco, and then you'd have to do something down south. You know, just to get, I don't know, you'd get both coasts and then you get down south, and all of those are their own fucking worlds. What would I do? I don't know.

Blackhawks game is fucking great. Dude, you know what? You stumped me. I don't know what I would do. I would go to New York like you're going to do, and I would fucking do as much shit as I can. You can't miss there. That was a nice vague answer.

The fuck would you do? I don't know. I live here. I don't know what the fuck would I do if I went to Scotland? Go ahead. Give me your mushy pee ideas. I guess I would go to a rugby game. I think, you know, something,

if you're going somewhere, you have way more ideas than the person who's living there. I can't believe I can't think of anything to do. You know what? I'd go to a fucking steakhouse. You know what? I would definitely indulge in the fucking cuisine over here. There we go.

I'm getting my footing here. All right? You go into a hockey game. I'd go to a sporting event, any sort of fucking basketball, anything you can see, if you can go see the fucking Golden State Warriors, one of the best regular season records of all time,

if you can take in a fucking show. Go see Mute Math for fuck's sakes. I don't know what I would do. Dude, I'd go down south, right? I'd go to a fucking gun range. Do something like that. This is what you want to do. You want to do some metropolitan shit.

You want to do some sports shit. And then you got to do some backwood shit. That's what I would do. You know, go find somebody drinking some moonshine out of a fucking jar, a mason jar. And then, you know, have him fucking smoke a goddamn pork shoulder and go out and shoot his guns.

There you go. Ride some four-wheelers, you know? Do something like that. I don't know. You know, a lot of people sleep on, like, Wyoming, Montana, the Dakotas. Those can all be fun to go see. I don't consider you guys living that little ass country.

You know? I don't know, dude. I'd rent a fucking classic American car. And we now went from fucking New York to Chicago. I would drive that. And I wouldn't take the highways. I'd try to find some old route. And I'd stop off at greasy spoons.

There you go. There we go. Jesus. There's a couple of ideas. I'm sorry, dude. I really fucked you over on that one. But I don't know. That's like when somebody, you remember back in the day when you actually shopped,

you know, you bought CDs and stuff? I used to have all these CDs I'd want to buy. And then when I would walk into Virgin, I could never remember what the fuck I wanted. I'm sorry, man. I really dropped the ball on that one. All right. To a first-timer in the...

That's not it. Podcast got me in trouble with Fiance's family. Hey there, Billery Burrum Clinton. I fucked up, man. She can probably guess from the subject line. Cue the old... Jesus. As a little background,

I'm getting married next month to my fiance, who was wonderful. Love of my life and all that. We were visiting her family last night and playing board games, which we often do. Oh, Jesus. Uh-oh.

What happened? Were you drinking? A competitive... Huh? Did you accuse her mom of cheating? He goes, I'll spare you the details, but we were playing a card game

with a bunch of characters. Everyone gets the same people. But when you use them, it's really the key to the game. There was a particularly powerful card I had held on to until the very last stage of the game. The character's name was Granny Wada. Um...

pronounced Gary Wada. I gave you the pronunciation and accent so you wouldn't fuck it up. Well, it is spelled W-A-T-A. Granny Wada! Now, it's the last round of the game and everyone's going around revealing their card. I was last and my plan had worked perfectly.

As I went to reveal it, my inner Bill Burr took over and I really got excited. I flipped it over. Oh, you did it. He goes, Oh, no. Oh, no, he goes.

I said, It's Granny fucking Wada! Dude, you dropped the F-bomb? Oh, my God. I wish I had podcast t-shirts. I'd send one to you. No, you didn't. He goes,

Silence followed as it echoed through the house. My fiance's family were stunned. They're not super uptight people, but people just don't throw fucks around during a board game, you know? From there, it only got worse. My fiance has listened to your podcast so she knows I was imitating you.

She tried to stammer out an explanation. Oh, no. She had to explain away your behavior. Oh, dude. He goes, But it didn't really do anything. I also tried to apologize sheepishly. And on top of that,

that move gave me enough points to win the game over everyone. So I had to awkwardly mark my score, which made me the winner. Wow, dude. Oh, and you're getting married next month, so the fucking taste of this is still going to be in their mouth.

He goes, We left almost immediately after, and of course I got yelled at all the way home. I knew I deserved it, so I didn't even put up much of a fight. What's your first good move in this story? Oh, wow. He goes,

My question is, do I try and go out of my way to remedy the situation, or do I just hope everyone forgets about it and moves on? We're getting married in six weeks, so it's not like I can avoid them for very long. I'm pissed because I fucking crushed the impression, too.

Thanks, and go fuck yourself. Sorry for the Hillary Clinton reference in the opener. I think she's a cunt, too. I don't think she's a cunt. I just don't think she's an honest person, and I don't think just because of the fact that we've never had a woman for president that that's reason enough to elect someone

as dishonest and as phony as her. Anyways, you know what? I would actually, without your wife, I would just drive over there and just say, Listen, I got to apologize. I listened to this podcast. I'm a big fan of the guy. I was making a joke,

and in the moment I didn't realize that you guys didn't listen to the podcast if you want, and just queue up a clip where you have it, which might be a bad thing to do, but just have me saying something else. Dr. Caves, easy shave, butter. But then you might be fucked because I don't say fuck. Just tell him you're really embarrassed or whatever.

I think if you went over there by yourself, I think, especially her dad, because I think that's the big one there. I think there's something extra when it's, you know, it's always extra. You know, when you're getting married, like, you know, if you're a guy, you know, the dad's going to be looking at you twice as hard,

and the mom's going to be like, oh, he's nice, relax, you know, and then the other way around is if, you know, they have a son and he brings a woman around, like the mother's going to be fucking looking at her if she's a fucking, you know, an evil little whore. You know, the dad's going to be looking at you like, is this guy going to be overbearing and slap my fucking daughter or whatever?

You know what I mean? It's a piece of shit, right? Oh, my God, dude. Wow. You said it's granny fucking water. Oh, God, dude, have you filmed that? Oh, my God. Jesus Christ, dude, I got to give you,

my tip of the cap for you there, man, for doing that. Holy shit. I'm getting uncomfortable just thinking about that. Well, I'll apologize. Can I apologize to your fiance for being a bad fucking, a bad influence? Hey, you know what? Play this to your future in-laws.

Dear future in-laws. Hello, I'm Bill Burr. I'm the one who says, granny, fucking water. I say this type of stuff. I've been the bad influence. Don't be mad at him. I'm sure he's a wonderful human being.

I'm sorry, he messed up. He messed up your little God game there. Yeah, he's going to make a great son-in-law. You know why? Because he uses Dr. Cavie's easy shit water. Don't play that to them. That's not going to get you anything. He listens to morons.

He must be a moron. Are they going to have half a moron kid? All right, not eating birthday cake. Huge fan of the podcast is a 27-year-old who works in a stereotypical white collar suburban office. I thoroughly enjoy listening to your bi-weekly rants at my desk. Wonderful, man. Speaking of which, I work in the corporate offices

of a sales and distribution company that has about 50 employees, but only about 15 people work in my specific office location, which means that about once every motherfucking month, we gather in the big conference room and do the cliche, awkward, office happy birthday song. Oh, no, with candles and cake routine and all of that. What I am by no means a health nut.

I also try very hard to take care of my body during the work day by eating properly and drinking locks of water. I've also gotten really into bike racing over the past years, which has taught me a lot about the importance of nutrition, etc. So the thought of eating a giant piece of chocolate cake at 2.30 in the afternoon when my eyes are practically bleeding from staring at a computer screen all day would do nothing but make me feel like absolute shit,

and I really have no interest. Very smart. This is why for the past couple of years, I've politely turned down every piece of birthday cake that has been offered to me at these aforementioned ceremonies. Unfortunately, I am the only one of my co-workers, most of whom are women, who has adopted this no-cake philosophy. So every single time I stick out like a sore thumb after I decline the piece that has passed to me,

at which point I have to deal with this wave of passive aggression from these ladies regarding my decision to abstain from this sacred ritual. I also share a birthday with one of my co-workers, so I am spared some of the awkwardness that goes along with refusing cake on my own birthday, but still made out to be some kind of monster. Okay, Jesus, going on and on here. Well, I have no intention of succumbing to the peer pressure

brought forth by my colleagues. This might be the best written fucking letter I've ever had on the podcast. Is it possible that I'm being rude by not sharing in the celebration? What's more is that even if I found out people did feel that I was being douchey by not eating cake, I still wouldn't give a shit what they think. Does this make me a sociopath? No, it doesn't. It makes you somebody who knows what he wants

and everybody else is, you know, you just get, you know what, you need to just get a little space here. A couple of little verbal, you know, you know, the great ones create space in all, you know, football, hockey, basketball, you don't have to do that in baseball, but you know what I mean? The great ones create space, okay? So what you have to do is you have to tap into your greatness

and you have to create space, okay? And just say, look, people, it's not that I'm not happy that it's your birthday. I just don't want to become a lard ass. I mean, I'm not being a dick here, but you know, a lot of you, I'm not going to say who over the years, your slacks just keep getting bigger because you keep eating all this fucking cake, all right?

You're blowing out your bodies and I'm not going to be a part of it. And a part of me dies every time I watch you guys eating this shit. But if that's what you want to do, by all means, go ahead and do it, but I'm not going to become a fucking cow like most of you guys are. You know, I mean, half of you should have bells around your fucking necks, all right? They'll never ask you for cake again. You probably won't even get invited, you know? That's what Sidney Crosby would do, right?

Mario Lemieux, the great ones, they create space. No, dude, you're not a sociopath, all right? You're doing the right thing, you know? I don't know. I don't know why women like sweets so much, you know? Actually, I like sweets. I'm just a big fruit path good. I actually like sweets, but when I stay away from them for a while,

if you're really abstained from fucking desserts and everything, if you walk into a place that has a bunch of crazy desserts, it doesn't even look like edible for human consumption. You know what I mean? I always said it looks like clown food, you know what I mean? Like a clown sneezed, especially if it's really like a lot of fruits and fucking whipped cream and all that shit. It looks ridiculous.

It's all these crazy colors, greens and purples, right? You're doing the right thing, that's all I'm saying. You're doing the right thing, you know? You're into bike racing, you're working out. You know, this is the deal. You guys actually got a chance of bagging one of those fucking cake eating broads in your section because they're going to see like a half of them are probably just testing you. The other half are fucking probably codependent fucking cake eaters

and they feel guilty, you know? And they know that after they eat that, then that sugar's going to be in their veins and then they're going to go back to their desk and they're going to start eating a handful of fucking cheddar flavored goldfish just shoving them down, you know? I bet if you walked around your little section and you have your cubicles and you looked at their keyboards, I bet their keyboards are greasy. I bet there's crumbs in them.

I don't know, you know what? I think you're too good to work there. What do you think about that? That's what I got out of that fucking letter. All right. Here's your podcast for this week. I want to thank everybody for listening. Did I read all the...

I had to do all the fucking advertising. God damn it, Bill. You said you're running your fucking mouth. What do I got next? Trunk Club, everybody. Trunk Club. All right. Don't waste a second of the new year in a crowded mall.

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What? Hey, does this guy work? Work, work, work, work, work. Oh, you know what? I'm trying to listen to modern music. That one I can't listen to. She sounds like she got roofied. She's one of those people you have to watch her doing the song because she's so beautifully

like, alright, I can deal with this, but it's just her voice. Like, you'd break up with the roll with the phone. What? Rihanna? Yeah. She'd call me up and be like, yeah, we have to break up, up, up, up, sorry. Okay. Okay.

Alright. Shut up. Don't judge me. I'm an hour in. I'm out of jokes. That's why, so this guy works at this fucking office and he's got into cycling and working out and nutrition and that type of thing. So there's like 15 people in his little area of the office.

So he goes, that means about at least once a month he has to go down to the fucking cafeteria and sing happy birthday to somebody and then they're passing around birthday cake. So he always says he doesn't want the birthday cake and then they're like, what the fuck? We're all eating cake. You got to eat it too or we'll feel guilty. Yeah. And he's like, am I some sociopath that I don't give a shit? Should I stick to my guns or should I just have cake once a month?

No. You got to stick to your guns and you should tell people that you're on a diet because people are like, oh, that's great. Yeah, you know, because I've been really trying to lose weight too. I mean, obviously not today. They don't say that as they're about ready to eat a piece of cake. What do you mean? You can't go into a crack house and tell everybody that you got sober and the crack head's going

to be like, oh, that's great. Well, I mean, you can still, you're right. But you can still say, no, none for me. I'm trying to watch my weight. And when they come back, no, I just have one piece. Then you go, hey, fatty. I said, no. Just like, no, I'm really can't.

I've been doing really well this last month and I'm really, you know, I really feel good and I'm just, you know, no, don't put fucking peer pressure. Offices are the worst for that type of shit. When I worked in the office, yeah, it was always someone's birthday. Someone's always like, I made brownies over the weekend and I just like can't have them in my house anymore. You guys eat them. And it's, it's, it's hard because everyone's just eating.

You're sitting in a fucking cubicle all day. You're bored of shit. It's probably a vending machine. Nice. Your question. Is it true that the bitches be eaten when they're at the office? All bitches be eating the male and the female bitches all be eaten. Why, why, why bitches be eaten?

Why bitches be eaten? I don't know, baby. Office environments are so hard to be on a diet with because it's, yeah, it's like food constantly because it's so fucking boring to sit there all day. You just eat, eat, eat, eat. So now say no to the cake. All right. One last quick one.

All right. I got to be speaking of that. This, this fatty cakes need to take her ass to the gym. So you look good to me. Thank you. I'm starting today since I'm going to my reunion and starting today. Why can't you get in shape for me? Um, I mean, I'm, yeah.

Why are you? First of all, don't try to like hijack my health goals. It's not about you. Okay. It's about me. I had you had spent in there for a second. All right. How do I help this guy out?

Help this guy out. All right. So we started backtracking here in the podcast. All right. I'm just going to paraphrase this. The podcast got me in trouble. This dude's getting married in six weeks. He's over his, don't read it.

Just listen to me. I know. I heard you talking about it. What did he say really loudly? So they're playing a card game. Yeah. He has the, the Trump card that's going to fucking beat everybody. Right.

And, um, the name of it is, is granny water. W A D A. So when he plays it, he's the last guy. He slammed it down and nobody listens to the police parents. His future in-laws do not listen to the podcast. And he just slammed it down and he goes, I got to, I got to read it. No, I heard you. He goes, it's granny fucking water.

And it was just silence followed as it echoed through the house. My fiance and family were stunned. This not super uptight people, but people just don't throw fucks around during a board game. You know, it only got worse. His fiance tried to be, oh, he listens to the podcast and it's just, yeah. And she yelled at him the whole way. See what you're doing to people. We're getting them in trouble with their future in-laws.

I think you owe that young man an apology. I did apologize and I apologize. I made him a little fucking audio thing that he could play to his in-laws. Is it filled with you saying fuck over and over again? Well, I had to know if that's going to help. But I had to do it in a way that they like, you know, saw what a bad influence. Oh, it's just a silly awkward moment. It's fine.

Everyone will get over it. It's okay. It's funny story though. All right. So what are you doing at the gym today? Back and tries. No, it's leg day today, which I'm not looking forward to. Women always be doing the legs.

Okay. I'm done. Why women be doing their legs? Oh, for fuck's sakes. Jesus, you spilled the water. Let's leave glasses of water on the floor. I tell you this all the fucking time. You're always leaving glasses of water on the floor and this is what happens.

How many times do we do you knock over a glass of water because you put it on the floor? How many times? Are you done? How many times? Are you done? Yes, I'm done. Can you say sorry for spilling the water in here? I'm sorry for spilling your water, but also...

No, there's no buts. There's no buts in a sorry. You're either sorry or you're not. I'm sorry I spilled the water. That's the podcast, everybody. I'll see you on Thursday. At the purchase of a warm meal for adults.