Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-7-22

Episode Date: March 8, 2022

Bill rambles about cold medication, Looney Tunes, and hacky activism.  MeUndies: 15% off your first order and free shipping go to MeUndies.com/BURR.   Bespoke Post:  20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at BoxOfAwesome.com and enter the codeBURR at checkout Roman: GetREoman.com/BURR today, and if you’re prescribed, get $15 off your first month of ED treatment.  AllBirds: Spring forward with the Allbirds Tree Dasher 2 running shoe. Discover your perfect pair at Allbirds.com today. 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday. Oh, sorry. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, March 2nd, 2022, 2022, match in like a lamb out like a lion or whatever the hell they say. How's it going? How's it going with you guys?

I hope you guys had a great weekend. I hope you caught that Celtics Brooklyn Nets game. I fucking missed it, you know, sitting here trying to fight off a cold. I'm in the middle of a, uh, shooting a movie here this whole month. So I got to stay healthy. So I've just been laying in bed, you know, I love when you almost catch a cold and everybody hits you with all their remedies. Dude, this is what you do.

You take a lamb shank, right? You strip all the fucking meat off of it. You fucking suck on the bone. You got to, but you got to get the marrow, right? Everybody has this thing and then you still end up getting a cold anyway. Um, I feel like I'm sort of holding this one off. Um, I think the biggest thing is as you feel it coming on, you just do a shot on Nyquil and you go to bed and you get eight full hours and then you just slam waters and you just

hope for the best. Like that's the best you can do and, but you got to get the real shit. You got to get the Nyquil. You can't get that bootleg shit that they sell CVS is CVS presents. Our version of Nyquil, um, I know there's a bunch of people being like, uh, it's actually the exact same recipe. No, it isn't. No, it isn't.

Why would Nyquil give CVS their fucking recipe? That would make Nyquil null and void. You don't do that. Did somebody works at CVS used to bang, you know, went out, deliberately went out the daughter with the person that created Nyquil and after they banged, she fell asleep and then he snuck around the mansion and fucking got the Nyquil recipe and brought it back to CVS and they're like, great, you don't have to fuck that Nyquil chick anymore and is your golden parachute.

Is that what you're telling me? What happened? I mean, it's the same color through Nyquil is the Johnny Walker blue of just drugging yourself and going to sleep. I'm not getting that CVS shit. What am I a fucking homeless guy trying to get drunk? I want the, I know you're not supposed to laugh about shit like that, but I mean, that is just a fucking level that you hit with, with like, what would you call that alcoholism?

Yeah, that's the word addiction that you're now homeless and you're not only are you going to get shit faced on cold medication, you can try to catch a buzz on cold medication, you have to do it off of bootleg cold medication, you know, you go in there like, well, I'm not buying Nyquil. What is it? My birthday? What is it? The fucking holidays?

Let's, let's relax here. You know, this is just a regular Tuesday. We're drinking the fucking CVS shit. Hey, a buzz is a buzz. It'd be a great scene in a movie, huh? Two homeless guys talking about which, which bootleg Nyquil they'd like to get drunk off of more, the CVS or the Rite Aid, you know, I like the Rite Aid, you know, it has less of a bite.

I feel the next day, you know, I feel like if somebody tries to crush my fucking cardboard box at night, I'm more awake, you know, to fight him off. Anyway, I don't know what I'm talking about here, people. I guess the Celtics had an unbelievable game with the Brooklyn Nets. I missed that. Jason Tatum had 54 points, kicking it out to Jalen Brown for the fucking nail in the coffin, whatever they call it, the dagger. I love watching the Celtics, man.

They're a very entertaining team to watch. And I was enjoying it and I was looking at the highlights and some fucking cunt still had to write. Neither one of these teams are making it to the finals, LOL, you know, and I don't know why that's just one of those things that can just ruin my day because I just want to find that person and being like, buddy, are you even going to have a ticket to the NBA finals? Like, who fucking said either one of these teams are going to make it? They played a great game.

This guy scored a bunch of points. What the fuck is your problem? But every once in a while, like, you just see, is there anything better than seeing justice and you had nothing to do with it so you get to enjoy it without the ramifications of being the person that took the vengeance to really do the right thing, to slap somebody or something like that, you know? I was watching this old episode of Foghorn Leghorn, right? And it was the episode, it's really actually a really good episode.

It's the one where there's the dog and there's this fucking weasel that's trying to eat the baby chicks. And it's funny is they make the weasel literally look like a fucking dope addict. Things eyes are all bugged out and fucking crazy. I mean, it looks, it was like they were showing you like what a meth head looked like years before meth. Well, I can't say years before meth because now they're saying that the Germans were on that shit.

I don't know. Now, all of a sudden, it's like everybody in the German army was on meth. Everybody really, everybody was on fucking meth and now that story's just coming out. New evidence shows. It's one of my favorite things. New evidence shows that Christopher Columbus actually was afraid of the ocean and it's like, well, where the fuck was that laying around? Was that just written down on a piece of paper and somebody finally decided to pick it up

and read it? Or is it suppressed information? Because that's something else that I'm finding out, you know, as I get older that, you know, what do they say that history was written by the people, by the victors and, you know, what victorious people should do then is prevent the people that lost from writing books. Because then their version becomes like the version and what it should be is the combination of both. It's like if you hear a Rams fan tell you the version of the Super Bowl is that it was

a great Rams victory and they got fucked over on that face mask call. And if you listen to the Bengals fans, their version of it was that the Bengals got fucked over at the end of the game on a bullshit makeup call. So I don't want to make light of actual shit that matters, but I mean, isn't that sort of the same thing too? I'll tell you what's really interesting to me, let me get back to the Foghorn leghorn thing, right? So the fucking, this fucking asshole, what I love about Foghorn leghorn is he's an asshole,

but he's not like Daffy Duck. But Daffy Duck is just a fucking idiot, right? I used to like Bugs Bunny, but he's also a cunt. You know, he picks on a lot of people for no fucking reason except for that opera singer. You know, opera singer came up, fucked him with his house, didn't respect his house. Well, he has some and he throws the fucking pie in his face. Yeah, so of course Bugs has to go out and ruin his concert. I understand that, but like a lot of that Elmer Fudge shit.

He's just fucking with the guy, but I guess Elmer, well, one of them, Elmer Fudge is just going out to get, he's looking for gold. He comes in like, I've been working on the where, whoa, all the with one day, right? He's just trying to fucking get a plot. Bugs Bunny sees him and he's fucking bored. He starts fucking with them. I understand later they made him like a hunter. Maybe that was like a note.

They're like, you know, I kind of feel bad for the hunter, you know, he's just like, I mean, for the guy, he's just trying to dig for some gold. Yes guys, this is how fucking, this is where I am with my life right now. So anyway, I'm watching this, but I like Foghorn Leghorn because he's a fucking asshole, but he gets his a lot. You know, I don't know that Bugs Bunny ever really loses except for that time he's in the plane with that fucking mouse. And then the mouse is fucking with him the whole episode.

The Foghorn Leghorn is a fucking asshole and but he gets his ass kicked a lot, right? So anyway, the dogs is stressing out because this fucking dope fiend weasels trying to eat the chicks. So Foghorn Leghorn, he's fucking bored. So he keeps letting the chicks out. He's like, boy, I say boy, one just got out, right? And it was really, I don't know why I was watching that episode, that cartoon and it was really giving me a lot of anxiety.

Even though I know, if I really thought about it, that we weren't going to show the weasel killing one of those chicks, right, but it was just bugging me. And I was working up this nice sort of, you know, simmering anger towards Foghorn Leghorn. And then out of nowhere, like, I realized that him being an asshole was just this giant set up for this great moment where at one point he takes this knot of wood, he takes the knot out of the wood and he lets the chicks out that way, right? And the dog has to run around and fucking fight off the goddamn dope fiend and he gets the chicks back in the fucking, the yard and he's finally dealt with that and I'm thinking

this fucking rooster is an asshole, right? And all of a sudden Foghorn Leghorn gets out of the pen and he's like, hey, boy, I say, hey, boy, what am I doing outside? I should be on the inside, right? And the dog's just like, all right, no problem. And he picks him up like he's going to throw him over the fence and he throws him through the knot of wood. The whole of the thing that's super small and he only gets about fucking, you know, his

head and his shoulders through it and the dog picks up a pole out of nowhere and just fucking jams him the rest of the way through and he loses all of his feathers and I'm not going to lie to you. I fucking laughed my ass off. I laughed so hard. My daughter started laughing from the other room and ran in to see what I was laughing about and she came in and I go, look at this, look at this, and she started cracking up too.

And I have to be honest with you. I'm a huge fan of joke writers and everything like that, but there's just nothing funnier than slapstick. There's just nothing funnier than seeing somebody fall down a flight of stairs or just, you know, watching that thing get shoved through that hole and he loses all his feathers and he gets through the other side and he's like, someone, I say, someone close the door, there's a draft in here. It's so dumb.

But what I really loved that was so satisfying was he was just such a cunt to the dog and the dog throws him through that hole and just jams him through it with a fucking pole. And I don't know what happened the rest of the episode. It just made me think and like, I just wish that happened more in life to people that really deserved it. You know, whatever the human version of that is, they could just, every once in a while because now, you know, there's just cameras everywhere and there's just so many people that really need a slap and you can't do it because you're going to get on video and

then the person that deserves a slap is going to fucking, you know, end up winning. Even though you slap them, you know, they're going to get a couple of grand off you because of emotional distress that it caused them, that you fucking slapped them. So I don't know, I really, I really fucking, I can't even, I can't even believe like how much I enjoyed that part of that cartoon and how and it stayed with me like I saw it a couple, I saw last night, Jesus Christ, the night quilt was a couple of days ago. So anyway, I was, I play this new game with my, with my daughter, right? I go into her, I go into her room and I just start asking her like these questions and

she loves, you know, kids love talking about, you know, what they're into. So I just play this game. It's a great way to spend time with the right hang out and I just go, all right. I go, let's play what's your favorite breakfast of all time. And she's just like, okay, cool. I go, all right. I go, do you like, do you like pancakes? And she's like, pancakes is my favorite thing in the whole entire world.

So we go through all of that shit. Then we did lunch. So I think I told you guys the other day I did this. So now I went in there and it's like, what's your favorite thing in the garage to ride on? I go, do you like your bike? She goes, I love my bike. My bike's the favorite thing in the world.

And I go, do you like your skateboard? She goes, I love my skateboard, but you can't go really fast on it unless you're a big kid. And then it gets her asking me questions. She goes, you know, she goes, I don't like when you go, go to work dad, when you go on the road. She goes, when you, when you go to the hotels, she goes, do you smoke cigars? When you're at the hotel, I'm like, well, I can't smoke in the room. She goes, good.

I can't smoke in cigars at the hotel. And I was like, all right. And she goes, do you watch daddy TV, which is basically anything that's not like on the kids channel, like sports and shit. I'm like, yeah, I do. And I was telling her how I was making a movie. And she goes, does it have the bad words in it? And I said, yes.

Because she goes, I want you to do, basically told me she wanted me to do something that didn't have bad words in it. So she could see what my work looked like, which works on two levels, you know, like, what does the comedy club look like? And actually the work, your act or the movie that you're in or whatever. So I told her I would write her a kid's book. Actually had a couple ideas when I got in it, and I was actually thinking like, oh my god, this is the moment.

This is that moment. Because I always saw like comics, you know, who did movies or performers did movies of certain, you know, ratings rated R and shit, and then they have kids and then they want to, they want to do shit that their kids can then go see. And that is the moment when they stop being funny. You know, Debbie, what are you going to, if your dad's in Metallica, you're going to sit there and be like, dad, can you write, can you write me like a kid's song that doesn't scare me?

It's like, yeah, I'll do it for you, but I'm not putting it out. It's Christ, you like working in this house, you live in this house, I got to fucking, I got to say the bad words, that's what I do. Jesus Christ, if I start working clean, then that's an away game for me, all right? I like the friendly confines of the F-bomb. Anyway, I saw another funny thing on Instagram. The lead singer at Danzig was saying that, you know, if punk music started now, it would never even get off the ground because of woke and cancel culture, right?

And then all these young people were like, oh, all right, grandpa, you know, all of this shit, just trashed the guy, and then be like, oh, have you ever heard of this band? Oh, so there you go, right? And I just got to kick out of all of it because, you know, I am an old guy. And then also I love when young people trash old people, it just always cracks me up. And then I also like that young people like me think that one day when you get to be my age or the guy in Danzig's age, that you're not going to be saying the same shit. Because what's funny is I remember Dana Carvey on SNL, when he was on SNL in like the 80s

and 90s, you know, when it was his generation that was influencing comedy, he had this character of this old man saying all this stuff, hey, when I was a kid, we only had one game. It was called Stare at the Sun, and we liked it, you know? He was making fun of old people, talking about how difficult their lives were and how everything that young people were doing wasn't shit anymore, right? And now I'm looking at this Danzig guy, who I think is a generation or whatever age sort of between my age and Dana Carvey's age. And now we're so old that we are now the old person going, I mean, I do it all the time.

When I was a kid, they used to kick field goals. And you just have to have a sense of humor about it. I think that that's just something that happens to you. And I got to be honest with you, but if you're young and you listen to this, don't ever be afraid to get an old man. It's actually, if you embrace it, it's fucking awesome. It really is. And dressing your age and all of that shit, like I was talking to my buddy and he went

to something recently and he was saying, this is the one, especially when you become a parent, this is one of the worst things you could ever, the most cringy thing that you could do is this guy was trying to be the cool dad, you know, the dad that despite the fact that he had a kid, he was still fucking cool, right? And there was some guy, he was at some birthday party, my buddy, and he said there was a dad there that had his hat on sideways, you know, like how rappers used to do it back in the flavor flavor, some shit like back in the 80s, like as a dad, like he's had a, he's had a fucking kid's party, he's got his fucking hat on sideways.

And what's funny me is it's like, you know, this isn't about you. Can't you just let your kid be at the party? Do you have to try and steal focus like, Oh, who's that? Who's that dad? Wow. He's still, you know, he's still with like the popular kids in the cafeteria. But then there's the other side, like maybe, maybe just, you know, he grew up back then, I don't know.

And that's how you wore your hat and you keep fucking doing it. I don't know. I am a big fucking believer though, that you got to like, you know, I'm not going to go out there and dress like fucking Wilfred Brimley on stage, but like, there is like a point, I think you got to put on a sport coat. I would do that to be honest with you, but I just, with my act, I would just, I just feel like I would, I would look like some asshole trying to wear a sport coat. So that's why I go with the button down.

I try to be with the button down. That's my happy medium. You know what I mean? I'm not going to sit here and go up and wear a fucking suit on stage and act like I'm a wordsmith. But I'm also not going to go up there and whatever the latest fucking thing, like I'm trying to think like the last thing that I paid attention to, that people wear. Somewhere around those Vaughn Dutch hats, I just stopped.

I was just like, all right, I'm just fucking old now and I don't know what this is. I don't understand why people who aren't truckers are wearing trucker hats. Oh, here's a cool thing. There's people protesting across Russia and they're getting detained and all of that. I wish I spoke Russian to hear what they're saying, you know, and what people who aren't protesting and are supporting the government are saying to the protesters. Because over here, if you protest war, they call you a communist and a socialist.

So if you're in Russia and you're protesting that war, do the people that are for it go, are you fucking capitalist? You know, support the troops. I don't understand why all the people in this country who are saying support the troops are not supporting Russian troops invading a country. Like why don't you just fucking jump in all over the fence? Support the troops unless there are other people's troops. Support what we're doing unless other people are doing the exact same thing.

Just the fucking irony of that is hilarious to me. But I refuse to watch any of that fucking coverage because I just can't watch families get a family died in front of my eyes marrying Kiev suburb laments. Like all of these stories exist in all invasions. I just don't understand why people can't. No, it's like sports fans. When we do it, it's a good no call.

When you do it, it's cheating. All right, Bill. All right, dear fucking Billy, we are the world. You've made your fucking point. Anybody from Russia where you want to write in? I want to hear from you. I want to hear what you have to say. Pro like what do you think?

Do you think your country's doing the right thing? Do you think they're doing the wrong thing? What do you think about people in the U.S. going? Oh my God, can you believe what they're doing? These people are terrible, terrible. That would be fascinating to me to listen to. And I'm going to say this to both both Americans and Russians that write in. I understand that I don't know what I'm talking about,

but it just seems a little ridiculous. And meanwhile, shout out to everybody in the Ukraine. Fucking defending your country. Wish you didn't have to do it. All right, plowing ahead, let's get to something a little lighter. I watched this great YouTube video of these two guys that like rebuild trucks and they went through all the Fords, all the GMC and all the dodges, all the different generations of the trucks and they rate them S.

I don't know what S stands for. That's like sick or whatever the best level. And then it's just A through like F. And speaking of Dana Carby, the redhead one, when on the Dodge one, when he wears the glasses, looks like I think it's Garth. I never really saw Wayne's World, to be honest with you. It kind of looks like a redheaded version of that.

But anyway, they went through all the Fords and they went through the Chevy's. And I realized why I'm not a Chevy guy. It's because I don't think Chevy has made a good looking truck since the square body. I'm just being honest. They were talking about the Cat Eye one. I could see that.

That was all right. I just haven't liked the Chevy front end, but I love from 1960 to like 1987. I love all of those Chevy's. And I'm not one of those guys who's just like, if it's not Ford, Folk Dead, I like a lot of the Dodge trucks. Although their front end is a lot uglier

when you kind of look at it over the years than I remember it being. But I am partial to the Fords and I realized that I like, as far as Fords go, I like the fifth generation, sixth, seventh, ninth, and 14th. And then the rest of them, I don't know. Like Ford had a real bad period from like 1997, the 10th, 11th. And I would even say the 12th generation would just like,

the front end just looked terrible to me. The 13th, they got back on track and then 14, they fucking crushed it. So if I ever did like an MTV Cribs, I think I would have all of those generation of trucks. And then if I was going to get a Chevy, I would get, I like those ones to like the late 70s, early 80s ones. Have to get a Silverado.

I know it's weird, but I'm fucking, I'm into trucks more so than I am into cars. But I'm never going to do that shit though. I think, you know, to be that person with like all of these fucking cars and shit, like what do you do with it? Speaking of which, somebody claimed the, those climbing grips that I had in my garage.

If I'm going to ship those out this week, it feels great that somebody took those. I got some other shit in my garage. If you guys want to take this shit off my hands, I literally have one of those, just one of those gray shelves that you, it looks like you'd put like books on it, whatever. It has no back on it, you know, those metal shelves.

When I look at all the stuff I have on there, it's like I have not looked at or used any of that other than the cooler, the cooler I take to the Rose Bowl every year. My hockey stuff, I have not fucking played since 2015, although I'm not giving up on that. But I'm getting close of just getting rid of the shit. Like it's taken up so much fucking room. Just go back to being public skating guy.

Buckets of paint and shit. But I have a few more workout things I might try to dump on you guys, or I'll just bring them to shows. Just be like, anybody here want a dustpan? Which sounds so stupid, but there's always some pack rat in the fucking crowd that's going to keep it, right?

Oh dude, I'd love one. You know, have an extra fucking dustpan? I mean, that would be fucking sick. Do this, dustpan. I got the comic, I got this great story with this dustpan. I was at a stand-up show, swear to God, swear to God, and the comic on stage comes out with the dustpan and he sets it on the stool.

And you know, I think he's going to do a joke about it. You know, I think there's got to be some sort of, you know, we need to clean up America or something. I don't know what he's going to do. Next thing you know, he just goes, you know, who wants a dustpan? And I'm telling you, there was 400 other people there in the crowd and I somehow got my hand up before they did.

You know, you know me, you know me. If I see an opportunity, I just go for it. Somebody's going to do that. By the way, shout out to Coach K, his final home game at the unbelievable Camden indoor. I feel so lucky that I got to go to a Duke Carolina game when Coach K was still coaching the team. I feel as happy about that as I feel embarrassed

that I lived in North Carolina from 1987 to 1988. And Jim Valvano, Dean Smith and Coach K were all coaching and I went to zero games. I could have saw all of those guys and I didn't. So at least I got to see Coach K, Jim Valvano and Dean Smith rest their souls. But anyway, it was great to see all those Duke players come back and support him.

What a run. What an amazing coach. And he coached for 42 years at Duke. And I remember thinking that going like, wow, that's unbelievable. This guy started in 1980 and coached for 42 years. And then I started thinking, wait a minute, I've been doing stand up for 30 years. When I started stand up, Coach K was only 12 years in.

That's fucking scary. That is scary. Life goes by, goes by quick. There's nothing you can do about it. So you might as well try to enjoy yourself. There you go. That's, I think that's today's lesson. All right.

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That's allbirds, A-L-L-B-I-R-D-S.com for the Tree Dasher 2 running shoe. All right. I sort of glanced at some of the questions and shit I got. I feel like I'm going to get trashed a lot here. All right, go fuck yourself. Dear Bill Bum, dear Bill Bum-loving ginger cunt, whether you are getting that pasty-balled,

nuanced-looking body of you. OK, when are you getting that pasty-balled, nonce-looking body of yours over to the UK again? What does nonce mean? I know that's not complementary. That's some sort of elfin thing. N-O-N-C-E. Let's see what that is. Nonce, coined for or used on one occasion.

Did I spell it right? Wait a second. What the? Guys, come on. You know I'm dumb. It says definition idiot. Well, in fact, I have to look it up. I've never heard that.

Nonsense. How do you say it? Let's listen. Nonsense. Nonsense, OK. Nonsense. Nonsense, all right. What does it mean?

Not of normal criminal element. Oh, it's a sex offender reference. Jesus Christ, I'm sure you fucking assholes in England enjoyed that whole journey of me finding that out. Fucking soccer-loving cunts. All right, when are you getting that pasty-balled, nonce-looking body of yours over to the UK? I have the body of a sex offender.

What does that mean? I don't want to hear excuses. I want to hear dates so I can book them. If you're a big ginger pussy, if you're a big ginger pussy who's scared to come here, let your UK fans know so we can spend our money on someone funnier than you. All the best and go fuck yourself.

What do you mean afraid to go there? I went and I shot a special there. Are you talking about the COVID shit? When they open it up, I'll go over there. Listen, I'm sorry your dad rejected you, that you're already assuming that I'm not going to come back over there to that land of shit food. Oh my god.

If I ever go to Liverpool again, one of my contractors, you have to tell me that there's a good place to eat there. Oh my god, I struck out like four times when I was there and every one of them was worse than the next. All right, Ginger Baker versus John Bonham. This fucking guy just slaps me around. Listen to this. I was so excited to hear people maybe break down

Ginger Baker's style. Nobody gives a shit and this guy just writes, Bill, I'm 42 years old and I'm tired of asking who's better when it comes to dumb shit like this. They were both good at what they did and who they did it for. It's as dumb as arguing over who was the better teenage mutant Ninja Turtle. I'm not mad that you're talking about,

but more so think you're trying to be a nice guy and consider something you hadn't in this debate. What? But more so think you're trying to be a nice guy and consider something you hadn't in this debate. So it's settled. Both are great and Baker's is a bit boring. Are we good?

Good. I was with you till that last bit where you just decided it was over. So it's settled. Both are great, Baker's a bit. Are we good? And then he goes good and he answers for me. Ah, Jesus Christ.

I can tell you this right now. I am so glad I'm not fucking riding in a car with you. Hey, you wanna talk about this? Look, you have your opinion, I have my opinion. Are we good? Good. Settled. You wanna listen to the radio? No, that'll just create more arguments. We fine, fine.

All right. All right, two of the bank robbery stories are bullshit. Dear Billy Bald Bannock, congratulations on the acting gig. I know you're gonna kill it, thank you. I can only imagine acting takes a lot of hard work, but you always come across as very natural on screen. All right, I actually wrote this for everybody. I did.

Speaking of people pretending that things happened to them, I'm calling bullshit on two of the bank robbery stories were read on the podcast. Oh God, there always has to be that person that just has to ruin your good time to tell you that Santa Claus doesn't exist. I don't care, they were funny stories. All right, the first story I'm calling out

is the Calgary knife dealer tale. You don't think a knife dealer on the streets of Calgary isn't carrying a bigger, sharper knife for personal protection? I'll be honest with you, I didn't understand that story as if it was, I thought it was like a dope fiend that stole some shit and was trying to sell it. And one of them was a knife.

All right, so you're just calling, I like how you said, you said two of the bank robbery stories are bullshit. And now you have no evidence, you're just saying that you're speculating that they're bullshit. All right, the second story I'm calling out is the one about the cheerleader

working at a craft store in Florida. The story teller bringing up the point that they looked the part of a cheerleader was unnecessary. That's how you know a woman is telling a story when it's always about what they looked like. Yeah, that's what, that actually gave it authenticity. So he's a cheerleader. You know, I looked the part, I was quite a,

I was the looker back in the day. You know, that's like a guy talking about, you know, all the touchdowns that he scored in that game. And you just can't find any evidence of it. So you have to believe, okay, I guess you were a football hero 20 years ago. Anyway, you're going to tell me that a high school cheerleader

is going to have the response time and articulation to say her long-winded reply to the bank robber about how she has to convince herself not to steal all the money out of the catch register every day. If I were the robber, I'd be sitting there like, wait, you have to say that to yourself, but you have to say to,

you have to say to yourself that every day you wouldn't empty the shut, just shut the fuck up and start putting the money in the bag. Oh, you're saying that that was too long? I don't get what you're saying here. Beautiful people can't be also smart or beautiful people can be smart, but they're too long-winded.

Guys, why don't we just all just take the fucking ride? You get through your commute or your flight and enjoy the fucking podcast. We don't have to debunk this shit, like we're fucking, I don't know. Anyway, I have been loving this segment of bank robbery stories, but I'd hate for it to turn into the streaming,

steaming pile of bullshit that you read on ask, Reddit threads, thanks and go fuck yourself. Thanks. I don't know what any of that was, but evidently this guy, he knows everything that's real and everything that isn't. All right, Jesus Christ. Why don't you get in the car

with that fucking bottom ginger baker cunt? All right, robbery story, Bronx, New York, 2002. All right, I'm calling bullshit on the other guy above me saying that this was bullshit before I even read it. All right, hey Bill, huge fan. Back in 2001, 2002, I was working for a real shady stereo company. They used to put a bunch of stereos in a trunk truck for us

and we would drive around pretending that the items were hot when they weren't. Oh, that's amazing. The idea behind this was that it would get customers all excited to be buying something hot and getting a crazy deal when they really weren't. I did that with stereo speakers way back in the 80s. These stereos would be valued at $100 to $200

and we would tell them they were worth thousands. So they didn't have any issue paying five to 600 for a system that they thought was worth 2,000 and stolen. I only lasted a few weeks on that horrific job. Well, that's what you get for buying stolen property. One day we were in Manhattan and this guy and his little partner comes up to us and tells us he will buy our entire truck at cost

and give us $1,000 each on top of it. And he seemed to know exactly what we were doing. And is this a cop? No, he couldn't do that because that would be entrapment. Me and two idiots, the two idiots I was with got together and we all had a bad feeling about it but decided to go along with it in case

we can each make a hundred grand, it would be worth it. Oh no, he told us to follow him to his house in the Bronx and drop it off there. Oh boy, that's when I said no way but they insisted and overruled me. We got to this apartment, dropped off the equipment and as we were putting down the last few pieces, he stood by one of the stereos, held the gun out

and said thanks, now get the fuck out of here. Wow, he did not have to finish the sentence for me to already be in the truck. I was not dying for this garbage job. Wow, that's amazing. Or complete bullshit. Oh fuck, well, you play the game, that's how it goes. All right, dumb shoplifter.

Hey there, oh Billy, red, white and blue balls. Oh my God, do you realize how great that is? Red, white and blue balls, I got red pubes. I'm a white guy, I'm married, red, white and blue balls. That's fucking amazing. That is fucking amazing, congratulations. I used to, and I'm an American. Right, proud to be an American.

I don't know what that means. I think it means do whatever I want to do as long as I'm white. I used to be an undercover security agent at a big retail store, not bragging. My main job was walking around, acting like I was shopping and watching for shoplifters and then catching them as they left the store.

One time this dumbass stole some socks and a pack of wife beater tank tops. So my partner and I busted him and brought him back to our office in handcuffs. While he was sitting there, he was fidgeting around a lot with his back pocket. So I told him to take out whatever it was he was messing around with.

He dropped a crack pipe on the floor. I went to put it in a plastic bag for the cops, but when he saw me do this, he decided to smash it into our carpet floor. The dumb fuck didn't realize that shoplifting and possession of a pipe were only misdemeanors, but tampering with evidence bumps it up to a felony. Not to mention, it pissed us off

because we were going to have to clean nasty crack pipe debris out of our carpet. Anyways, I have a bunch of stories like this about idiots stealing from stores, so I might email you again sometime. Yeah, that's like those onion field, the onion field murders when that guy said to the cop, are you familiar with the Lindbergh law?

And he said yes, and then he shot the cop. And he didn't realize that kidnapping didn't, what was it, you didn't get the death penalty with Lindbergh law unless you crossed state lines. So he didn't have to kill the guy. Well, I mean, I don't know what he had to do. I wouldn't have done it, is what I'm saying. All right, shut up, Bill.

Opposite of how do I tell my wife she's fat? All right, guys write in, their wife, their wives are getting fat and they want to tell them, you know, because they don't want them to, you know, have poor quality life, die soon, and they also don't want to be, you know, fucking a beanbag, just being honest here. Dear Uncle Baby Billy,

when listening to the podcast for probably 10 years, been listening to podcasts for probably 10 years now, the first time I heard the podcast, I was hooked, you did this hilarious thing where you pretended to read the news, but you did it in the voice and tone of a Catholic priest singing during mass. As a Catholic, it was the funniest thing I ever heard.

Oh, I didn't know I used to do that. I don't even remember doing that. Let me see, let's bring that back for a bit. All right, look up Nantes. I still forget what that means. Oh, the sexual creep guy. All right, let's see if we do it, this still works here. Don't allow, don't allow, don't fucking mess.

Officials identify six killed in Madison County, tornado outbreak, you'll never see them again. Why did you go outside? Didn't you watch the movie Twister? At least now you're dead, you won't be buying plastic. I don't know if that works anymore. I need advice on something I haven't heard on your podcast before, it's my wife.

She's 37, beautiful and a great mom and a great wife, but she has several unhealthy habits. She smokes cigarettes, she eats fast food daily and all she drinks is Pepsi. She also eats candy like a child. Yeah, she's not gonna make 60, can't do that. Here's the issue. Whenever I bring up her unhealthy habits,

she lifts her skirt to show me her flat stomach and says, worry about yourself because I look good. Oh my God, I love this woman. It's true, she does look good. I don't know how she manages to keep her metabolism so high at age 37 because she never works out. She just eats junk food and somehow stays thin. Maybe she fucking chews and spits, I don't know.

I, on the other hand, am a lot like you. I'm in decent shape for my age, but I have to actively monitor what foods I eat and how much booze I drink and make sure I stay active in order to not be a fatty. I'm worried about her health long-term and feel like at some point all of these unhealthy habits are going to catch up to her.

And the beautiful woman I love will be obese with rotten teeth and diabetes. I mean, that's a pretty good forecast. How do I get her to start eliminating some of these bad habits now before it's too late? Thanks and I'll see you in Hanover, Maryland this August. I don't know that you can't.

I mean, what are you going to tire down and fucking force her to eat vegetables? You can't. I'll just say this. I would just say, you know, you got a flat stomach now, but one of these days that's all going to catch up with you. You know, the outside looks good. I would not want to see your insides.

And there's plenty of fucking skinny people that just drop dead, eating like that. They just don't show. I don't know. I don't want to get into some of the fucking shit that's happened to some of my friends, but you know, I know a few guys that were in shape and just, you know, I don't know.

All right, let's leave that alone. All right, overrated slash underrated. Underrated, not having neighbors. I just moved out of the city and now I don't have to worry about fuck all when it comes to the smoke from my grill or the loud man yelling fucking cunts on my podcast I'm listening to.

That is so amazing. You know, I really think about like living in the middle of fucking nowhere. You don't have to soundproof a room. You could just play drums. You could play drums in your yard. Would be fucking incredible. Unless you have your headphones on

and some bear was sneaking up behind you, then that would suck. All right, overrated, religious, non-religious people. You know the type, hard-lined atheist or someone who trashes religion of the Catholic church, rightfully so sometimes. Wait, are you talking about me? They can't imagine their hero politician

doing anything wrong. So they make up dumb excuses for them like the people who make up excuses for their dumb religion. Wait, religious, non-religious people. Let me read this again. You know the type, hard-lined atheist on someone who trashes religion

or Catholic church. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, hard-lined atheist or someone who trashes religion or Catholic church, rightfully so. So you're talking about someone who doesn't believe in this shit. They can't imagine their hero politician doing anything wrong.

Okay, you're just talking about, yeah, non-receptive asshole, which is something I am sometimes. Anyway, that is the podcast to everybody. Thanks for hanging in there. I know I have limited shit to talk about because I'm fucking, you know, I get to do this amazing project, but it really, it's just frigging 12-hour days.

I come home, I go to sleep in any time that I'm awake, I just hang with my kids. So just hang with me over the next four, five weeks. I'll get through this shoot and I will be back to talking about all the dumb shit that's going on out there. All right, that is it. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check it on you on Thursday.