Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-8-18

Episode Date: March 9, 2018

Bill rambles about meaningful weddings, flying helicopters and equal pay t-shirts.

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How is your week going? Is it going well? I am in gloomy rainy Vancouver British Columbia Home of the BC Lions The Vancouver Canucks And the fucking Westminster Dog Show I don't know, there's some place out here in Westminster

And I learned today that they do have a big dog show up here But I don't think they are one and the same I can't remember if Westminster takes place in Beverly Hills Or in New York City But all I know is that you have to be a particular level white person To be invited I learned that because I thought I was white enough You know, and they were like, oh no, you are not

And my dream of attending it It was over I just think it's funny I like dogs and then it's just funny when they get them all shampooed up And they're prancing around You know, and I don't know There's always that thought of what if the owner falls It just adds to the tension

Anyways, I'm up here in Vancouver I'm having a great time This past weekend I went to a wedding Awesome wedding Tremendous wedding Two people that should be getting married They totally had the connection Is there anything worse

Unless you're just really into Scheidenfreude When you go to a wedding and you just see two people And you're like, this fucking thing is not going to last the weekend I've been to two of those And one of them, the marriage lasted two years maybe And then the other one, as far as I know, they're still together The first weird wedding that I went to I think the bride was having second thoughts

Because the groom was standing up there forever And then she just sort of walked down the hall Walked on down the hall, right? Walked down the aisle with their dad And did not have that look that, you know Somebody usually has on their wedding day And then when she went up to the altar The whole time they were doing the vows

She was laughing uncontrollably Which sometimes is just a form of nervousness But they didn't even kiss And as they walked out, they went ahead and kissed But as far as I know, they're still together And another one was someone I was in business with When I first got into New York City And I went to this person's wedding

And I remember we went out there And the mother-in-law, we got there like, it was traffic We got there right before the wedding was going to start It was in the backyard of these rich people's estate This guy married into money And they were rich, so I think they didn't like him So we pulled up, she was outside walking the dog Dressed the way you would walk a dog

Like she wasn't really even ready It was sort of this non-verbal protest Of what was going on in there And that seemed weird I was like, well, you know, the in-laws Usually never liked the fucking person their daughter's marrying They never think that he's good enough, right? It wasn't much of a red flag

But then I just remembered when the groom Afterward, they got married He went to give a toast as to why he loved his wife And it was fucking brutal He was like, because she gave some big toast to him So then he goes, okay, and then to you, my lovely wife You make me laugh We're in the background like, lady of your life

Reason you get up in the morning trying to help them out It was one of those things where everyone was smiling Like this was going to be great And then it just became like everyone just sort of looking down Going, dude, wrap it up, wrap it up, wrap it up And that one lasted like two years And it was such a fucked up marriage I remember him telling me that they just had this big fight

And they were both kind of exhausted And one of them was just kind of like, what are we doing? And the other one was just like, yeah, do you like not want to do this anymore? And the other one was like, no And then the other one was like, really? Because I don't either And then they started laughing, like a bad fucking movie And they had a really amicable divorce

And I think he was cool, he didn't try to take any of her fucking money And they just went their separate ways Having said that, this wedding that I went to I always have that in the back of my head Because as much as I like to do stand up I don't literally like to be living in a bit When I'm at a wedding, you know I don't know, I just saw them interacting right before the wedding

And you know, it's super stressful if you've ever gotten married And they just seemed chill and relaxed So I was like, oh, good, good And what was funny about this wedding was there was also another bald ginger At the wedding with a red beard Like my doppelganger And I went there and I had a drink And then I had another drink

And then I was just like, yeah, you know, that's good I'm going to stop there and I started drinking water Now, on the other hand, the other guy was acting like me last year Well, before I took four months off of drinking And this fucking guy got fucking loaded, right? So I saw he was kind of swaying in the breeze And I'm like, oh, you know, Ben there, I'm not going to judge He's having a good time, whatever, right?

So the fucking guy, next thing I know, I'm looking outside And this guy, like this wedding was so perfect It was in this really cool restaurant and slash bar And so up front was the bar And they had these ceiling to floor windows And the evil version of me at some point staggered outside And I just felt everybody looking And they looked and he just fucking puked in the street

In front of like a third of the wedding Was up at the bar, like a giant puddle of fucking puke So all his friends rushed outside And they had fucking suits to help him out And somebody brought a chair out Well, they sit the guy down And I'm not laughing at the guy I'm just laughing because I've been there

I mean, not at a fucking, not having an old wedding That I was just at looking at me But you know, we've all had our moments I remember one time I was somewhere down the Cape Fucking Cape Cod, Joe, best fucking potato chips I somehow passed out on a bluff That was headed down towards the ocean I was just like in the middle of the day

And I forget where my buddy was He was the one driving He was somewhere else Something happened with the car And we would just passed out And like the fucking this, it was a bluff, right? I just like saying that word I've never used it properly

And all of a sudden I was laying there And the sun felt good and everything I was passed out and like it felt like a day later All of a sudden I just hear And out there, that is where the Nina, the Pinta And the Pinta and the Santa Maria came in Back in 14 fucking blah, blah, blah, blah And then I had this little kid's voice go

Mommy, why is that guy sleeping there? And there was like some sort of fucking tour going on And I vaguely remember changing a tire And I didn't put the jack underneath the frame And it went like right through the floorboard So there you go Alright, I'm not judging this guy But it was funny as fucking hell

So this fucking guy fucking just, you know Great lakes, yak, you know Puke all over the street So somebody brings a chair out and they sit him down And he's sitting there, hanging his head Like, you know, Jordan was sitting when he had the flu And they put the towel over his head He was sitting like that, minus the towel over his head

So then they start calling like an Uber or Lyft And these cars keep pulling up And they pull up to this bald dude with a red beard Sitting with his head hanging down in a giant puddle of puke And everybody would just pull up and be like Yeah, fucking guy's not getting my car They would drive away And it just became this thing like

Dude, you gotta move him down the street You gotta get him away from the puke And anyway, somebody finally came along And took him home But he was definitely the highlight of the evening So I don't know who that guy was But I want to thank him for the free entertainment So anyways, let's get back on track here

I'm up here in Vancouver And as I mentioned before, I don't know if I mentioned I was talking to a number of people up here That listened to this podcast that fly helicopters And one of them had access to the Cadbury G2 I hope I'm saying that right Cadbury or is it Cadbury? I think it's Cadbury G2

Which is basically like the Robinson R22 that I fly But it has, you know, any safety issues That the Robinson may or may not have, you know That it does have I'm just not trying to shit on it Because I fly it all the time And I do like that helicopter These people took it to the next level

It's like the next iPhone Except it didn't try to like, you know Capture your fucking face It was new and improved So I wanted to try this thing out And these people had access to it So I was going to rent a car today And drive about an hour outside of Vancouver

But then I got a text from the guy I was going to fly with Said, hey, there's a guy here He's a big fan of yours He's got a fucking... He's got a 66 He'll pick you up right at the heliport downtown I was like, fuck it, let's do it So I show up this dude named Chris

I want to thank him Great guy, picked me up Flew me all the way out there And I was telling him He goes, so how did you get into wanting to fly the Cabri G2 And I was like, well, you know I read all about, you know, the low Gs You know, situations, the mass bumping

I got a little freaked out Vietnam helicopter pilots I just kind of feel like it's a bit of a safety issue And they just sort of taught pilots how to fly out of it Rather than fix it But what the fuck do I know? I only have 160 hours, right? But that was just my gut feeling

So I want to check this thing out See what the deal is with this thing So we land at the airport And as we land, one of those Cabri G2s Is coming in And I immediately loved it I loved the shape of it And when it landed

Seeing this little two-seater With the fully articulated main rotor system Was like, I mean, that's been the dream You know, because with the R-22 You got to lead with your collective With those things You could just push the stick forward Which it's still, whenever I fly something like that

When the guy just goes, okay, nose it forward I always have to make the joke that, you know I usually don't hear that, you know, flying a Robinson So anyways The thing lands And as it lands, I see this guy getting out Who looks just like the dude That I saw in the YouTube video

I was like, that the guy who uploaded the video That did the whole thing From nose to tail review of it He goes, yeah, that's him And it was so surreal Because I didn't know I was going to meet this guy It was like, literally the guy that Was the reason that I wanted to fly it

I ended up not only going to his place I ended up getting to fly with him It's BC helicopters And the guy's name is Misha Gelb And he was an incredible pilot He did an auto-rotation at the end That was just, was unreal For those of you who fly Robinsons

There's no watching your RPMs Going too high, too low You just put the collective down and steer it And he landed this thing Like a fucking daisy It was incredible And so anyways, he was filming The entire time that we were flying

And I was flying horribly I could barely, I could even hold the hover In the thing because the main road Had turned the exact opposite way And as much as I told myself Ignore your muscle memory Just correct whichever way the nose is going And it was also super sensitive

It felt like the sports suspension on a car Like a sports car, you know Where it was so hypersensitive That I just kept over-correcting And then it was, it took me back to when I had Like under 10 hours flying And was just the first time trying to hold the hover But of course by the end

I got way better than where I was at But by then his GoPro had ran out So you guys can have a fun time Laughing at me flying this thing Like a fucking salmon going upstream It was pretty bad in the beginning But I really, really loved it And I got to fly, you know

I mean it was definitely a cloudy day and everything But I thought it was kind of cool That it was raining out and all that Just to fly in something different And got to go all along the whole skyline Of Vancouver all the way up to where All these rich people live and shit And then we flew back

And on the way back we flew up this riverbed Which I hope he keeps that footage That's one of the coolest things I ever did I felt like I was on the Discovery Channel Like I should have been chasing a bunch of gazelles Or something or watching hippos You know, fighting alligators Or something out on the Serengeti

It was amazing and We ended up landing off the airport up there We'd landed off the airport in Just some farmer's yard And that's when I was just like The thing was all over the place when I was flying But anyways, I just want to thank everybody At BC Helicopters

I had such a great time And I will definitely be back And for those of you who do fly If you get a chance to check out one of those Cavalry G2's They're pretty fucking amazing And that's it Then I got two more shows tonight

At the Queen Elizabeth Theatre here And then I immediately go back to go hang with the family Because that's the new me, right? I fly in the day of the gig And then I do the gig the next day And then I immediately leave Because I got my, you know My lovely wife

And my daughter I got to get home too So if I only leave for like two days I don't have that much guilt Where you feel like an absentee father, you know So anyways What time do we got here? That's 15 minutes

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Free shipping And 100% satisfaction guarantee Go to meundies.com That's meundies.com All right, let's take a second To talk about the fucking Oscars Congratulations to everyone Who was nominated and everybody who won

But in particular Two people won I don't know if you were paying attention But two people that won In Oscar on Monday Also do a voice On the wonderful cartoon Effister Family

Alison Janney Who did the voice of Mrs. Plastoware She won an Oscar for the Tonya Harding movie And then Sam Rockwell Who does the voice of Frank's Nemesis Even though he's not even aware That he's his Nemesis Vic Reynolds won for three billboards

So that's pretty cool You know, I think that upped The ante of our show The status anyways I know I'm throwing that in Who does your show? Who do you do your show with? Oh, two Oscar winners

Alison Janney and Sam Rockwell Right, Laura Dern Justin Long, Dave Kekner I mean, I can go on forever By the way, I'm really loving I don't want to jinx it But this season three I know I'm teasing it early

But we've been laughing our asses off In the edit room But I got to tell you yesterday I came in, landed And I was really tired Because I did a show the night before Did a Four Shaw's show Down at the Improv

And I had a beer or two At the end of the show And I didn't get home to like One in the morning or something like that And then my daughter My daughter gets up at like A quarter to six, six o'clock It's hilarious, you know

You just come downstairs You can't, you know And at this point Like the reason why I drink so little now Is now, I don't know what happened Like if I have like One beer or two beers Like the next day, you know

My daughter wakes me up And it's just like I feel it So I'm waking up just Not like a hungover But just feeling like less energized And you know She's talking all this gibberish out there And I just open the door

And the second I open the door She just goes, hi I don't know if I told you Like hi is her word for everything Hi means hi Hi means I want that Or if she wants attention She does like this frantic

Like hi, hi, hi, hi Like if she sees two people talking And she wants to be It's really like her being like Hey, hey, hey Hey, little help over here I want to get out of this fucking chair So anyway, so I didn't get a lot of sleep

And then I had to go to the airport And then I flew up And whenever you're flying the plane It's always like everybody wants to sleep Except for that one person Who has the window open And then I can't fall asleep So I get to the hotel

And I'm like, all right I'm just going to lay down here For like a half an hour And I had South Park on Speaking of, you know Animated shows just total next level Absolutely fucking hilarious And I was watching this episode

Where Cartman had stolen a bunch of votes And I fell asleep And I woke up a little later And I opened my eyes And South Park was still on I didn't realize that they had a marathon Going on Like they did like three or four episodes in a row

Long story short My pickup for the 7 o'clock show Is at 6.20 And I am asleep And all of a sudden The phone rings super loud in my room And I open my eyes And it's pitch black in the room

And I was like, oh fuck And I was trying to find my way out And I couldn't I literally opened the door That went into a closet And then Verzi called me And I saw it was 6.30 And I literally just threw my clothes

And I didn't even iron my shirt And got to the venue Sipped a little throat coat tee And went out on stage Had a great set though But I was like really It was weird I was like

I wasn't tired Because I slept for like three hours So I felt refreshed But I also felt like I just woke up So um I don't know The first ten minutes The show felt like an out-of-body experience

But I've never slept Like that close Up until like almost like Missing a show or something like that But fortunately You know it went well I don't know that kind of went nowhere You know

I almost missed my show But I didn't And then the show went well Like did I really need to fucking Tell you all of that? Was there a reason for that? I apologize if this recording sucks I bought an external mic

For my iPhone that uh Kevin Shea The hilarious Kevin Shea Who came on my show That's right Came on the Monday morning podcast Promoted his special And told me all about this mic

And I love this fucking microphone I'm gonna have to talk to him about it Because I ordered it off The internet there The interweb And uh It was only twenty bucks The mic

How the fuck is the microphone only That only costs twenty dollars Gonna be good And guess what? It isn't It fucking sucks So I must be using it wrong Because Kevin Shea's a smart guy

So he's gotta teach me how to use The fucking thing Because it sounds worse than if I just hold the phone up Like I am right now If that makes any sense But anyways Oh my god

I have to tell you this fucking Stupid t-shirt that I saw And There's like some corporation up here Selling clothes One of those One of those fucking clothes And on the mannequins

They have all these These fucking political t-shirts About equal pay for women And it says like Enough is enough And something about equality And all that And it's just like

I just can't like These fucking assholes It's like You are the guys Not fucking paying people Like why am I getting a fucking Like my voice cracking What the fuck are you

How do you get off Selling those fucking shirts And I don't understand Why these feminist groups Don't go in there And be like Okay you're selling enough Is enough t-shirts

Why are you selling Well let's look into Your fucking history Of paying people That's like this new This new fucking thing What it is It's not a new thing

This is what people always do When a movement happens And they get freaked out by it What they eventually do Is they join it And once they join it They have like a level of control Or they can just act

Like they fucking agree with it So then like You don't Nobody's looking at you Like you're a problem You basically You just sort of Send it down the line

Like no problem here Look we have Enough is enough T-shirts I actually have An enough is enough thing Enough is enough As far as just going after

What guys do to women What we balance it out You know And some on all this shit That fucking women do to guys You know Oh that'll never happen Oh you can't do that

If you do that Then you're a fucking sexist We're gonna fix the male-female dynamic By only examining The behavior of men Because the ladies are perfect I would love to know What sweatshop

Makes those enough is enough T-shirts Where the fuck Has Michael Moore been lately Well actually it's a T-shirt Sold here in Canada And God knows He blows everybody north

To fucking Minnesota He just thinks That you know Like Canada can do no wrong Despite the fact It's one of the most overtly racist places I've ever been to The entire country

You know what I mean But all you gotta do Is put on a silly hat And take some syrup out Of a fucking tree And then Michael Moore's Just like Oh my god

These people are amazing Oh Bill Why would you do that Why would you have such a nice Friendly podcast And then you know Just have to pick on it You know punch up Bill

Why can't you punch up So what I've learned here About Vancouver Other than it's beautiful And that they like They like buildings That look like the buildings That Godzilla steps on

I've noticed that There's a lot of A lot of money from China here You know I don't know what the fuck Happened in China But some sort of crackdown happened And there was a bunch of

Rich Chinese people Where they were just like Oh fuck We gotta get our money Out of this country And they started buying up Property along Sunset Strip Bunch of places in the United States

And evidently here in Vancouver And I gotta commend Chinese people with money Those people know where To fucking buy You know Although I think Vancouver's Smarter than LA

With the global warming With all you know This lush land up here With all the water Lakes and everything It's absolutely beautiful I don't know It must be incredible

To leave China And come to Vancouver We can actually have space But then it'd be weird Because you'd miss You know you'd miss your country Right But I don't know

Just haven't been over there How crowded it is And how dirty the air is It's gotta be fucking incredible Because I think it's incredible Just coming up from LA You know And it was like a fucking

Zillion people All these people coming out here Lugging their goddamn skis Skiing is fucking incredible But I gotta tell you You literally have to be Like your own roadie You know

And there was all these people Like you know You gotta go snowboard man You can just have that Like a backpack Just throw it over your fucking Shoulders right It seems to be like

I was just sort of analyzing it Like skiing scares the shit out of me Because it's like every year Some fucking guy around my age Usually people my age You know Late 40s, early 50s And they just come down a trail

And they hit a tree And then that's just fucking it But the last time I skied I was in Utah And doing a gig out there And the comedian I was working with Wanted to go skiing So we went

I fucking dislocated my thumb And like nine times I thought I was gonna blow out my knees And I vowed I would never go again And if I did I would go snowboarding I would much rather deal with

A broken tailbone Or a fucked up wrist Than a blown out knee You know At my advanced age So anyways I am gonna go over to the venue right now Because

Allegedly they got a drum kit Backstage at that place So I think I'm gonna go over there And go jam man On some fucking tunes Good clean fun And then I'm gonna do my two shows And listen to this

I come home I go to bed And then I have to get up At four in the morning Because I have to call I gotta call back east Because I got a big show Coming up in Boston

And I gotta sell a bunch of tickets So And they want me to come on The radio live And so that's gonna be my day So I'm gonna wake up at four In the fucking morning Do that shit

And then go to the goddamn airport And then come home And my daughter's gonna be like Fucking bouncing off the walls Ready to play But you know what It's gonna be great You know what's cool is she

We have this doorway to our house Where it's got like You know you got the door And then along both sides It has like these Those old fashioned like little windows That go from the top all the way down To the bottom

So It's the greatest thing ever When you come home Because she's looking through Smiling at you But it's the worst when you leave You know Because she has like

The saddest look on her face Because now she actually understands When you're leaving So And I got a feeling It's only gonna get worse I just don't want to get to the point Where it's like

Never want to be the point Where I leave so much That it's no big deal You know Like I remember a long time ago Danny Gans The late Danny Gans Told the story of how we ended up in Vegas

His kid drew a family portrait And it was the mother and all the kids And then he goes Oh that's great Where's daddy? And then she pointed And she had drawn an airplane And he was on the airplane flying away

It was like oh fuck But what am I gonna do? This is what the fuck I do for a living We also announced some dates over Two dates One in Dublin And one in London And I know I got some shit from people

Why don't you come here Why don't you come there I'm gonna do more of an extensive tour Through Europe At some point I just have to figure out I gotta balance my new life here With the wife and kid

But I definitely want to get to places That I've been before And places that I have never been I just have to figure out how to do it But when I go to That Dublin In London Gig

That's the week of my 50th birthday So I'm doing Dublin First And then I'm doing Royal Albert Hall Which is insane That I'm gonna be there I can't believe it And that's gonna be for my 50th birthday

And then I'm taking a week off And hanging with my wife and kid And everything And that's how I'm gonna celebrate I'm turning 50, man What the fuck So I don't know A lot of my friends didn't make it this far

So I'm not gonna bitch about it But it's a big number Okay, it's a rough one, alright Alright, well that's the podcast Thank you guys for listening And thank you everybody up here in Vancouver They came up to the show last night And are coming tonight

Amazing crowd last night And I think it's gonna be more of the same Tonight, have a great weekend Yet, cunts And I'll talk to you on Monday Call me up and maybe you'll dance Not talk too much about the plan Order on board or leave you ill

And baby, I'm stronger than a dream Baby, I'm so handsome Can't you see Hey, what's up everybody It's Bill Burr And it is the Monday Morning Podcast From Monday, March the 8th, 2010 Oh my god, could you believe the Oscars last night?

I can't believe that Kelly Wiggins' Twat and Face Didn't get best supporting cunt For let's make a fucking afghan In the 1800s Do you know I'm actually still in San Jose right now And I was supposed to have a show tonight I'm actually recording this on Sunday

I was supposed to have a show tonight But it got cancelled Because everybody evidently is watching The fucking Oscars I can understand if you're abroad And you want to watch that shit I get it It's like you're a Super Bowl

Where you get to sit there And watch the different dresses And which couple is with which couple And who just broke up And are they there with their new boyfriend Or girlfriend And oh my god, do they ignore each other On the red carpet

And look at some fucking twats Yank back face And she talks about their shoes I get that But where the fuck were the men in San Jose Who had enough fucking balls Left in their relationship To be like, you know what

I'm not going to your stupid fucking Oscar party Okay, because I don't want to listen To fucking 98 different reads of Oh my god, you know Oh my god, why is she wearing that chest Oh my god, she looks so beautiful Oh my god, that was like the best speech ever Huh, is that what you did?

You're sitting in your cubicle right now as a man Is that what you did last night Because if you did You should be hanging your fucking head Huh? What happened? Let's go down memory lane Okay, go all the way back to high school

When you still had a set of balls Between your fucking legs Remember that? They were brand new And they were ready to go I got a question for you Where the fuck did they go? Because you definitely didn't have them

Men of San Jose Because you weren't at my fucking show last night To the point it had to be canceled Granted, I'm not going to lie About a fucking month and a half ago A married couple came out of a bar Got into it with a bouncer A cop showed up

And he fucking tased the dude's wife And shot the guy in the abdomen And the dude damn near bled out Right in front of the improv here Look it up online They got the picture You know, after there's a shooting They clean up the mess

There's always the fucking old ketchup stains On the sidewalk And a couple of articles of clothing And it's fucking hilarious And then right next to it They had the marquee And it still said Eddie Griffin It was funny

So yeah, I guess that isn't good For fucking business But I got to tell you, man I had a great time coming up here And I've avoided coming to San Jose Because I was worried that Basically what happened Sunday night I thought was going to happen all week

Because I don't know what is about California I just feel like if you're not a fucking Latino comic You know, I just don't Or super famous You're not going to sell any tickets out here Because you know, people put that in my head But no, a lot of people came out on

Saturday night And they actually had a balcony That was the thing about on Friday Nobody showed up, right? So there I am I'm standing in this huge fucking theater And the entire upper deck is empty I felt like I was performing

At a fucking Royals game, you know I felt like I should have been like Singing the national anthem Or something like that And then yelling at my manager Wondering what happened to my fucking music career That I couldn't at least sing it Like an Angels game

Those fucking idiots got to come out there With their goddamn noise makers How lame are you as fans That the ownership is basically saying You know what? You guys have such a lack of passion We need to invent something To make it sound like you guys care

Way more than you really do Here, here's a couple inflatable fucking Plastic balloons Just slam them together We'll even get a monkey We'll have a crazy monkey out there Fucking Angels Anyways

What am I doing here? What the fuck am I talking about? I actually had a great weekend And believe it or not You wouldn't know it from my voice And I found a great sushi place out here Check out Smile Sushi Sushi, if you get a chance to

I don't know where the fuck it is But you have the internet, right? Look at me, I'm fucking walking around Right now, I'm looking out the window They got a museum across the street And they have a Star Trek exhibition And you should have seen these fucking nerds You should have seen these fucking nerds

Just standing outside Like waiting for a museum to open That's when you know you're a fucking nerd Okay, everybody's gone to a museum But who the fuck has ever stood outside a museum With your face pressed against the glass Waiting for the fucking thing to open up You know?

Jesus Christ I mean, I see back in the day You're waiting for fucking concert tickets You know what I mean? Back in the day when they used to have Like actually have record stores And the artists would come through And you'd be standing outside

Strawberries, records and tapes You know, waiting to have your cassette Signed by Brian Adams Why did I pick Brian Adams? I'll tell you why Because I'm staying at a very nice hotel As I've made it to that level in this business Alright?

I am on the 14th floor The penthouse fucking level Although I just have a suite I haven't got to that level yet And I'm looking out the barren fucking landscape here As far as people go anyways But anyways, I went down to the fucking Place to have breakfast

And the second I walked in, right All I see is cloth napkins And leather-bound menus So right there, you know, it's going to be Like 58 bucks for an omelet So all I want to do is stop and turn around And get the fuck out of the place But do I?

Of course I don't You know why? Because there's so few people in there That everybody looked at me when I came in And it reminded me of this time When I went to this titty bar in Troy, New York I believe it was Troy, New York It was called the Cloud Night

Any perverts out there? You know what the fuck I'm talking about It's not really, it's sort of a strip club Sort of a guy's house I would have to describe it as I just remember there was an upstairs When he came walking in That literally looked like some old lady

Should have came down in her house coat And just been like Can you stop all this stripping? I'm trying to sleep And then some sort of double-wide trailer That sold videos That was attached to the other side of it But anyways, long story short

I went in there with two other people Who will remain nameless? Because I don't name names on the fucking podcast Because I'm old school I can't even fucking remember who they are anyways I've talked to my cell phone so fucking much So anyways, I walk into the goddamn place We all walk in

And the second we walk in All we want to do is turn around and walk out But there's so few fucking people in there Everybody's looking at us The dancer The fucking DJ The fucking porkey guy Who runs the goddamn place

And the two fucking immigrant truckers Who are sitting in there I believe they were Yugoslavian I can't remember what So you know, you just fucking go in and sit down So I went in and I sat down at this fucking breakfast place I'm back to the breakfast place Alright, try to keep up

I'm playing these fucking brain games on the internet Alright, my fucking brain is sharp It's coming back God, I'm lonely Anyways So I sit down at this fucking breakfast place And there's this medium-sized woman Who suffers from vocal fry

And for those of you who didn't major in communications And didn't have to take a career speech class Vocal fry is basically a way of speaking Where you're not forcing enough air through your vocal cords So you talk like this Have you ever heard people talk like that? Oh my god, it was about Amy's house the other day And I just felt like she was giving me this vibe

Or you have the other people who start off Where they push enough air through their vocal cords But then towards the end, they taper off Today, everyone, we're going to be reading about a lady who... It fucking drives you nuts It never used to bug me until I took a class on it Now I can't stop hearing So this fucking idiot is sitting there talking

Like the typical, like, I don't know She sounded very intelligent But all she was talking about was like us magazine shit And meanwhile, I was listening to a instrumental Of a Brian Adams song over the fucking radio You know, when Brian Adams first came out And he had the Fonzie leather jacket, right? And you're like, wow, this guy's got some decent tunes

You know? Got my first real 60 Remember that? And when he was so young, you thought that that actually rocked But it wasn't bad for Pop And then he just fucking jumped the shark Where he was just like, you know what? I can't fucking do this anymore

My face is breaking out I can't fucking do it anymore I'm just going to sell out I'm going to write a song for chicks Richard Marks can do it, so can I And then he had that song Look into my eyes Leather leather, stick it up

Your twat That song I can't tell you That stupid fucking song They used to make receptionists tear up all across this country When it would come on in a dental office They had an instrumental version of that going on As I ate my fucking scrambled eggs

And listened to this fat fuck talk about Little house on the prairie with vocal fry So that was probably the low point of the weekend I don't even know what I'm talking about You know what, I did want to hype I wanted to hype Jesus Christ That was only 10 minutes There's no fucking way I'm making this one

This one's going to be short and sweet, everybody Or short and mediocre However you want to fucking call it Let's hit the refresh page Let's see how the Bruins and the Penguins are doing Bruins need to win this one Gotta make sure we make the playoff So we can fucking lose in the first round

Still one to one After two periods, two friends of mine Billy Gardell and Randy Bowman Or Bowman are at the Penguins game right now Randy Bowman from Jim and Randy's show WDVE in Pittsburgh Have a fucking listen They're sitting there talking shit

Texting me, talking shit You know, right before the game About how the Penguins were going to kill the Bruins You know, we're having an off year And lo and behold, you know, an hour goes by There's no shit talking So I go on the internet and there it is Zero-zero after the first fucking period

Fucking asshole penguin fans You know Harry Sinden of the Bruins Was actually debating suing the Pittsburgh Penguins When they switched to black and gold For stealing the Bruins' colors You know, I'm going to pause here And let the people in Pittsburgh exhale And be like

Oh, the fucking Pittsburgh Steelers The Bruins have been around Since before the fucking Steelers And the Steelers back in the day Used to basically have yellow uniforms They had that big stupid yellow helmet That's what they had Alright, the only black you had

Was a couple of little stripes That's all it was Back then when you played the old 23 Skadoo The long, I say the long pass When you were doing that shit So I don't want to hear it And plus, you know what I mean Who fuck takes the exact same colors

As another team in the same league? Okay, you started off with your gay little Baby blue fucking penguin You know, first of all, you're penguins Why am I talking shit? I'm going to get hit with the obvious When was the last time you guys won a cup? 1972

Then shut the fuck up, Bill Fine, I will Alright, you just keep enjoying That fucking whiny pussy He's not a pussy, but have you ever seen I haven't seen anybody whine the way Cindy Crosby whined since fucking He's like Danny Angel on skates

If Paul Gasol played fucking hockey And was a good looking guy With full ruby red lips from Nova Scotia Alright, so whatever Let's hit refresh again Do they at least make the end of the fucking period here? Come on, Bruins There we go, the end of two, one to one

What do you got to say now there, Billy Gardell? Fucking cocksucker Alright, what was I trying to say here? Oh, I know, I wanted to hype One of the fans here on the podcast Who will also remain nameless Has started a fan page for the Monday Morning Podcast Okay, so I'm actually going to the next level

With this podcast A lot of times I make references And, you know, people Don't have time to look them up Or maybe you don't want to go all over the internet Trying to figure out what the fuck I'm talking about This guy has a bunch of, you know Has links to some of the references

He, you know, does all that Photoshop stuff He does all that computer stuff That I don't know how to describe But basically if you'd like to check it out At the end of the podcast Or maybe follow along You can go to a page called www.themmpodcast.com

www.themmpodcast.com No spaces, okay? And there you go I'm hyping that for the week See, this is why I don't hype shit Now I just, whatever flow I just fucking had Is out the goddamn window What else did I do here?

You know what I like about San Jose Is it is actually a hockey town Like in my hotel they have the NHL channel And I was sitting there watching The hockey night in Canada Which is Saturday night And what the fuck was I watching I was watching Toronto versus Ottawa

And I had to go do my show But coming up they had The LA Kings versus the Canadians With any luck they fucking beat them Did they beat them? You know what, I'm gonna check God knows I got nothing else to talk about On this fucking podcast

No, you know what Let's continue the sports thing Just so we can get rid of all the people Who aren't into sports Or into other things like politics The fuck is up with that What's the deal with people who are informed? A number of weeks ago

I actually, I ripped Peyton Manning A new asshole and upon listening back to it You know, I actually sounded like Half a fucking retard, I will definitely admit that But I still stand by my opinions And I kept bringing up a guy By the name of Terry Bradshaw Who has four Super Bowl rings

And you know everybody hit me with Dude, you only threw for like 25 days Well, they have a great article On Terry Bradshaw in a sporting news magazine This week or this month I don't really read this magazine But that kid from Nebraska Was on the cover

That Damokong Su Damokong Su, I don't know He's got a great fucking name And the Patriots needed defensive tackle But I know we're not gonna draft high enough To get that guy Because I figured maybe they talk about Other defensive tackles that were available

Because I have no life But anyways, I opened it up and lo and behold There was a great article about Terry Bradshaw Which basically backs up what the fuck I was talking about At least in my world it does And they mentioned right in the beginning It said Bradshaw won his fourth and final Super Bowl ring

With an MVP performance for the Steelers At the Rose Bowl Among quarterbacks Only Joe Montana has that record And it's quite possibly none will ever surpass it Okay, all you Peyton Manning fans out there Do you think he's gonna get five fucking rings? Then he'll get four

I think he could possibly get three He's not getting four though Alright And this is coming from fucking Terry Bradshaw A man who played the game This is a quote from the article The only thing that matters in the pros Is winning the Super Bowl

And anyone come up to me in my life and say Hey Terry, how many yards did you throw for? How many touchdown passes do you have? It's all about rings Does that sound familiar? Go listen to the fucking February 8th podcast Maybe Terry listens to my podcast How fucking arrogant is that?

But then he says it's all about rings But dude, the shit that this guy took You know, I knew in the beginning of his career That this guy had a rough time in Pittsburgh And everybody basically treated him like a dumb redneck And kind of like what they did with John Rocker I always thought John Rocker got a bum deal Because I was living in New York

And they were basically calling this guy A fucking moron redneck In not so many words And then he comes out And starts trashing New York And then typical media, they get to step away Like they didn't incite any of it And all the Mets fans get to act

Like they weren't fucking yelling shit at him I used to be doing a bit about that That the punchline was basically He had date rapists and wife beaters Throwing batteries at a bigot That was basically That was my little fucking social commentary On the John Rocker incident

Let me get back to this shit Not supporting anything that John Rocker said But you know what I mean? It's like if you're gonna fucking throw rocks At a hornet's nest Yeah, I don't know I almost just say you're gonna get stung You know what I almost just created there

Was one of those southern fucking expressions That I love so much Faster and turkey shit through a tan horn I'll tell you, that boy fucking rock If you thought a snake was under it Anybody from down south Can just send me a whole list of those fucking things Have I already done this on the podcast?

And I don't remember I absolutely love those fucking expressions That boy would fuck mud I don't even know what they mean That boy would fuck a rock If he thought a snake was under it How does that make any sense? But what I love about it

Is even though it doesn't make sense You understand what the person is saying And there's a genius to that So anyways Let's read about Terry Bradshaw's The early part of his fucking career Basically, yeah, they were shitin' all over him Well, why don't we have Terry say it here?

He said, you have to understand something My first five years were not the best I had shit thrown in my face I was booed, criticized, called stupid and dumb Players talking about, were saying Players on his teams were saying We win in spite of him He stutters in the huddle

I had so much of that shit thrown at me I got bitter about it And my coach, who I thought never defended me in public Chuck Knoll The thing was, I was never his chosen one I had to sit back and come to grips with all that And it was very painful for me It wasn't a storybook career

So I take a great deal of pride And being the quarterback of the team That won all those Super Bowls Yeah, and the guy never gets the fucking respect Do you know before Super Bowl XIII Thomas Hollywood Henderson said Terry Bradshaw couldn't spell cat If you spotted him the C in the A

So they asked Bradshaw about this He watched football, you know, he always comes off like this guy Just being all silly and joking around But he goes, well it ticked me off The thing that ticked me off was Nobody defended me Who came out on my team and said Bullshit, he calls the plays

He sets it up, who defended me Chuck Knoll didn't defend me The only guy I know who said something was Joe Green And then here I got to deal with this thing Going into the Super Bowl What the hell am I gonna do I'm smart enough to know not to get in that argument With Hollywood Henderson through the media

Because it's a distraction I don't have time for that shit Okay, so I can't spell cat if you spot me The C and the T That's some good shit, congratulations Then you go out and you kick their asses How's my spelling look now You're the one who had to go to prison

He took it there Terry's an angry motherfucker Or whatever, I love it I love it, you know something And he never went back to Pittsburgh I didn't even notice that shit When he was done he just left He doesn't even talk to any of the players

And he said, he goes, I mean it's kind of A failure of my personality I don't know, it's a really interesting article Because if you watch him on Whatever the hell the show is called The NFL pregame He still plays it up Like he's this, you know

Just this country boy But he isn't He's fucking sharp as a tack And he didn't like the way he was treated in Pittsburgh And I enjoy that I enjoy that considering those guys How seriously they take their team And their fucking quarterback

And gave them four Super Bowls He treated them like such shit You know I just like when teams Do that to their fucking players Because it makes Boston fans look better Because God knows we're a bunch of fucking assholes You know

Kind of like when Montreal Boud Patrick Waugh Out of town I love bringing this shit up And then he goes out to fucking Colorado And immediately wins a Stanley Cup And then like four years later Wins another one I love that

Now Montreal hasn't been a factor Since fucking 1993 I love that too It's over Their last dynasty was 1979 They dominated a six team league That spilled over into the expansion six And then everybody got their shit together

And you haven't heard anything From those motherfuckers since And they're still walking around with their chest puffed out About some shit that they did Back in the Three Stooges era You know It's fucking over 30 years ago

It's been 30 years since you guys Dominated the fucking NHL Alright So get off your goddamn high horses Alright That ought to get me a couple of emails Okay Let's continue on with the

With the podcast here Here's a couple of videos If you want to watch This is one that I wanted you guys to check out There's a video If you're a Van Halen fan Go on YouTube and check out Van Halen And it's a song

And the cradle will rock If you just search that A bunch of videos will come up And click on the second video down And just look what David Lee Roth is wearing It's absolutely fucking hilarious But I'm telling you As funny as it is

There's gonna be a part of you being like God damn it I wish I could get away with wearing something like that Can you imagine the amount of pussy I would get If I wore something like Had the balls To wear something like that

For those of you who aren't near a fucking I'll basically describe it Who aren't near a fucking computer right now Maybe you're on a treadmill Trying to work off that Burgiated Carl's Jr Had two in the morning No one you shouldn't have done it

Woke up this morning Feeling like you had a fucking anchor in your stomach You're like I gotta go fucking sweat it off He's basically wearing a Picture if you had a zootsuit Made out of spandex And all you were wearing was the pants

So they basically came up Right underneath your fucking chest Right? And then you remember those You remember those fucking And their purple sparkle too Alright And then that's it

You don't have anything else on Other than Do you remember those boots That those whores used to wear in Aspen In like the late 70s, early 80s Where they look like they skinned a woolly mammoth He has on white woolly mammoth snow boots And the greatest thing is

The crowd is just fucking stank Cause it's early on in their career I don't know if it's from another country I have no fucking idea I haven't watched it in a while But I was just remembering it And I wanted you guys to just check it out Jesus Christ

I told that fucking story in real time Alright Here's another one Another YouTube video Somebody sent me It says Check out Dwarf Midgets Killer Muay Thai

M-U-A-T-H-A-I This is basically It's very Very accurately described One guy is a dwarf And the other guy is a midget Or a little person That's the new weight class

That they invented A little person And they are They're fighting somewhere I'm going to guess Maybe the Philippines And it's a Muay Thai fight And it starts off funny

Then you think it's fake Because the midget keeps hitting the dwarf With the exact same fucking punch The dwarf keeps trying to Knee the midget in the chest And the midget keeps coming with An overhand right And I kept thinking

Why the fuck Why the fuck does he keep throwing The same punch This must be fake But then I realized That the boxing gloves On the midget Actually go beyond his elbow

So he couldn't throw a hook If he wanted to And then after that It just becomes sad There's something about The dwarf's face Where he just really looks Like he's getting

He's physically in pain The midget has You know, he's still got That Christmas twinkle in his eye He seems like he's having A good time He's got a little bit Of swagger in his waddle

He's probably getting Some pussy after the show, you know And that's a good question Would you ever let a midget Bang you, women out there? I know some guys Have banged a little person But I was just wondering, you know

If you just laid down On your stomach And you just felt like that Like that Wiggling eight-year-old Riding you from behind Do you know how long Your hair would have to be

So you could actually Pull it in that position Why am I being such an asshole this week? I don't know why Alright, next YouTube video I'll tell you why Because I don't have a fucking show I don't have a show tonight

I'm waiting to take a red eye Jet Blue Jet Blue, back to JFK Not looking forward to going back To New York this time of year With that fucking weather I really have not missed

The winner whatsoever That's a big thing they ask In the East Coast Don't you miss the four seasons? What, Frankie Valley In those guys? Do I miss the four seasons? No, I don't

No, I don't I like it I like being old And being in the retirement community That is Los Angeles I like it It's, you know what LA is like

It's like Florida For somebody who's still middle-aged You go to Florida to die That's the last place I'll go Go out there, get me a gator boat That's what I'm gonna do That's how I'm gonna parachute Out of my life

I'm gonna Yeah, I'll probably get a divorce And just say, listen I'm cashing in my chips I can't do this We had kids Alright, it's fucking over They're out of the house

What are we gonna do? Stare at each other For the rest of fucking time So I sit there watching You slowly gumming those waffles That used to be able to tear through And an English muffin In a minute and a half

Now we sit here For fucking 37 minutes So I watch, ugh I don't want to live that life with you Okay, we had a great time I give you a high five But I'm afraid I'm gonna break your shoulder And then I'm gonna

Then I'm gonna go down to Florida And I'm just gonna get One of those fucking boats With the fan on the back And I'm gonna give I'm gonna give Everglade tours Is I'm gonna play some Pantera And some AC DC

I'm gonna have an affected Southern accent And that's it I'm gonna live off my DVD money Even though it won't exist anymore And I'm gonna dress all in khaki Okay, let's continue on The next YouTube video That you can look at is

There's one called Public Access TV Hosts Bombarded with Prank Calls Is the name of it I don't know if this is the right video Somebody sent this one to me And I accidentally deleted it So I just by hidden describing it I think this is the one

So look it up And it's basically a guy in public access Trying to talk about gun control And it's such a low budget that You know, it's basically live And he puts his phone number up there So somebody calls in Realizes that it's live

And tells him to go fuck himself And then the entire audience Like a bunch of goddamn children Call in and all they're saying Is just the dirtiest shit That they can basically think of And now the best guys are the ones Who actually start talking about gun control

For a minute So this guy actually feels like He's having a discussion And right as the guy starts to engage with them They tell him to go fuck himself So if you're an angry prick like me It's actually a nice one So with that

I have been on Lumosity.com For all of last week Trying to get my BPI score to go up Which is, I don't even know What the fuck it stands for Basically the higher the number you have The less moron, I don't know I was gonna say retarded

But I don't like using that word Even though I've already said it Five times his fucking podcast The less dumb you are, I guess Or the smarter you are, the higher it is Right? I got confused in the middle of it I don't know

I'm worried about my brain right now, everybody Because it's feeling fuzzy And I think a lot of it has to do With talking on my cell phone too much And I'm trying to cut down on that Like a cigarette smoker And I've been going to this website Lumosity.com

It has these games that challenge your brain It's fucking awesome And they got everything out Any type of stuff that you could be thinking of I don't know if I talked about this last week So I'll kind of blow through it It's Lumosity L-U-M-O-S-I-T-Y.com

Somebody else also suggested one That was, I don't know how to read it Because it's a website here That's all, I don't know how to say it here It's www.nospaceshere P-O-S-I-T-S-C-I-E-N-C-E So it's Postsitscience

P-O-S-I-T-Science.com And they have these brain games And I really think that in a number of years That's where I did talk about this last week That they're basically Instead of having all these Exercise shows at night that involve Getting fucking abs and all that type of shit

They're actually going to be selling stuff Late at night That's basically going to be crunches for your brain I would recommend it It's kind of been my new thing that I do out here I told you I've been trying to learn Learn how to write with my right hand I tell you about that shit

I'm a lefty And somebody, this comedian, was telling me about this book That he was reading That if you actually do things with your opposite hand It opens up different areas of your brain And so I've been doing that, you know I'm writing with my right hand I've been throwing shit around my hotel room

With my left hand I'm kind of fucked up where I kind of jump back and forth Play guitar lefty I play drums righty I play sports right-handed I write left-handed I can use tools either hand Fucking rub one out with the left

But in a pinch Okay, let's plow ahead So this is the type of shit I've been doing So I've been learning how to write with my right hand And I basically, my handwriting with my right hand Looks like my handwriting in like fourth grade Looks like if I was in the fourth grade And I just saw a ghost

That's the way it looks It's looking very spooky But I've also been trying to learn how to become a better speller I just, you know something Like I always make fun of how the fact that I'm a fucking moron And like Terry Bradshaw I definitely play up my stupidity But there's definitely a seed of, or maybe some people would say

A deep well of stupidity that I actually have And most of it is out of just laziness I mean there's no reason why I shouldn't know how to spell the word restaurant at my age I've been to a bunch of them And I've tried to spell it a million times And for the life of me I always forget if the U comes after the first A

Or the second A And I've tried this a number of times And I'm gonna try to stick with it Because I just, as I, you know, try to type an email And rather than just hitting spell check And just moving on with my life I'm trying to actually make a list of words That I don't know how to sell, sell, spell

See how my brain's fucked up And then what I do is I write the word properly Like ten times in a row But I write it with my right hand So I'm kind of doing two things at once And it's fucking hilarious Because I kind of left this shit out

And I was just thinking of the poor cleaning lady Coming in here Like one of the words I was learning how to spell Was penitentiary So I have penitentiary written like fucking 12 times In this spooky writing with my opposite hand Fucking penmanship And I just kept thinking of the shining

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, you know So, uh, I don't know Trying to become a smarter human being Am I boring the shit out of you? Because I think that last segment was a little boring But I'm into this shit, man I'm sick of just knowing stuff about sports I actually, you know what

I'm going to Europe in two weeks And I desperately do not want to come off As a typical stupid American At least I'm in shape, okay? So I'm going to be, you know Representing us nicely in that category The fact that I'm 41 years old And I'm still fucking in shape

Jesus Christ, I almost fell backwards on this chair I didn't understand how far away the curtains were I should have gone with it At least it would have been fucking funny Let me see if I can lean back here Easy, easy, easy It's not working Oh, Jesus

Oh, Jesus Hang on one second Hello? Hey, let me call you back in like 20 minutes, okay? Okay, cool, alright, bye Um, so anyways What the fuck am I talking about? I got a, um

I got this magazine, Scientific American Because I'm like, I can't keep reading These fucking sports magazines And dude, there was a guy in there These eggheads, when they want to As much as I love trash and people If you notice, you know I just insult the way you look

And I say fuck a lot But these guys are actually intelligent human beings And this guy was making fun of people Who tell stories You ever see those stories where people say they died? I was dead for two minutes And then I came back And then they come on

And they start talking about the stuff that they saw But the way this scientist guy Breaks the shit down Scientist guy, did I really just say that? The way this, this science dude Right? The way he breaks it down Um, it's just fucking brilliant

He basically says You're not dead You had a near death experience You were in a near death state You weren't dead If you were dead, you're dead They can't bring you back from being dead Alright?

Even if your fucking heart stops Just because your heart stops The dying process This guy was, the way he broke it down He said, it can take anywhere from a couple of minutes To a couple of hours to occur Depending on the conditions So even if somebody, unless you get just fucking blown up

Vaporized Even if somebody shoots you in the fucking heart Your brain is still going to be firing synapses And whatever the fuck I'm too stupid to know what it is But it still takes another couple of minutes And other stuff, like he said Can take up to a couple of hours

So these fucking people who think they're dead Are not dead And they're coming on TV Talking about the shit they saw Like they were in another fucking I don't know, universe And they weren't So he basically, in the Deepak Chopra

Is trying to, you know Is on this Larry King show Describing what's going on So the guy basically concludes it with this When, because one other scientist Was actually kind of agreeing With Deepak Chopra by saying You know, there's some stuff out there

That we just, you know Science, you know, has no explanation for And this guy says, so what? The fact that we cannot fully explain A mystery without natural means Does not mean it requires a supernatural explanation It just means we don't know everything Such uncertainty is at the very heart of science

And is what makes it such a challenging enterprise And in that moment, there was a clap of thunder And I realized that science is religion For intelligent people This guy isn't saying that there's no God But he's also not listening to some guy Half naked dancing around a fucking fire With a chicken foot, you know what I mean?

So I think, that's what I think I think science is religion for intelligent people And I think religion, in a lot of ways Is science for morons Whenever they can't explain something They invent stories of people having, you know All you can eat fish coming out of a wicker basket Or fucking, you know

You gotta have faith, you gotta have faith It's a fucking cop out, you know? If you want to go buy a fucking car And you go, alright, let me know that the car wouldn't start up Don't worry, don't worry One of these days, that engine's coming back And it's gonna be mad And it's gonna be judging you

It's ridiculous Oh, Jesus, I don't want to get off on this fucking rant But definitely check it out, man If you want to read some cool stuff It's called Scientific American And, I don't know, I'm kind of on this mission I'm sick of being a moron Sick of being, you know

I'm sick of being fucking stupid I really am So anyways, let's get to Let's get to underrated, overrated What are we, 38 minutes in Look at me, I really can fucking run my mouth when I want to Before I get into underrated, overrated I gotta read this one

And I'm gonna need some help from you guys on this Listen to this one This is from some dude I believe he's in Italy And he said I kill women's libidos for a living Alright, here we go If I can strap yourselves in for this one

Hey, Bill I just got out of my second Of my two long-term relationships Three plus years Both of which eerily started And ended the same Both of these girls were well above average In their sexual enlightenment

When we started dating I'm not saying they were super freaks But the kind of girls that have a porno collection That can rival most guys And the toys to match Also the kind of girls that while you're home Visiting your parents for the holidays Will want to sneak away from the dinner table

And fucking the bathroom Okay Anyways, it seems that the standards For most of these relationships The standard for most relationships is that you fuck Like rabbits during the first year If you manage to make it past the one year mark There is an exponential decay

In the pussy rationing until you get married Or have kids At which time you're pretty much done with the sex Except for birthdays and the anniversary However, the sex in these two relationships Kept going strong through the second year At which point it completely dropped off And I'm not just

And I'm not kidding, I'm talking just done I had to pull out every trick in the book Just to get a sympathy fuck Once every couple of weeks I'm in a committed relationship And love these girls I guess you were in a committed relationship And you love these girls, so I guess you didn't fuck around

Alright And love these girls enough to put up with the bullshit With the idea that we'll be able to work through The issue and get back on track However, as I learned, once the pussy is boarded up It's out of business for good It's like those fucking horrific strip malls That have been abandoned since the 80s

When whatever shit boom economy In the area made those fucking people think They were gonna go somewhere So inevitably, when these relationships end I end up Read my fucking Straight A report card on how much I'm such a great guy

And I love so much And they don't want to lose me as a part of their lives But they're just not sexually attracted to me anymore And that is the fucking And this is the best fucking part They don't know why They don't know why They're not sexually attracted to me anymore

And really wish they could change it Seriously, what the fuck No man wants No man wants to admit to himself Let alone an audience that he's not getting alone That he's not getting That he's not getting it done between the sheets However, I can honestly say

That I do alright I'm no fucking Ron Jeremy, but I get the job done I would understand the plight of these women If I was furblasting them I don't know what that means What does that mean, just jumping on them like an 18 year old Pounding away Or wanting to do the same shit over and over again

But I usually make a pretty good damn effort Trying to stay fun in the bedroom Alright, okay Last two fucking paragraphs Let me just Paraphrases He basically says that he's like William H. Macy's character in The Cooler

And he's saying that he's getting really bitter And he wants to go out right now And go meet a woman, fuck the shit out of her for three months And then give her the same speech That just happened to him Alright Okay, first of all, don't do that Don't deliberately go out

And hurt somebody Because you dated two people who hurt you It's bad, they don't deserve it They didn't hurt you, so don't do that Alright I don't know what to I mean, I'd have to have more details Of what the fuck's going on

But I will tell you this From experience, I know a lot of people They get into a relationship With somebody And It doesn't go right, they find out It's not what they're looking for And then they go out

And then they immediately basically start dating The same person again It's not literally the same person But it's basically You know Like just to make it simple If a woman went out and was dating Met some guy at a fucking truck stop

And he turns out to be an asshole Who's driving a truck fucking a bunch of other women around the country And he goes, I'll never fucking get with a piece of shit like that again And where does she go? She goes right back down to the truck stop Which is the same gene pool of fucking people I think it's very interesting That you met two girls

Who seemed like They were the exact same Right down to when they wanted to stop fucking you And I gotta admit Okay I guess a woman having a porn collection Is healthy on some level But that, you know, I don't know

If you're gonna marry, it's like you want your girl It's that fine line You want them to fuck your brains out But do you really want to bang, have them Want to fuck you in your parents' house? I mean, I don't know, dude I mean, what I would guess Is I would

Start fishing in a different lake It sounds to me like you're Fucking, god damn Trout again! Can't fucking believe it You'll catch something else I think you got the same person again I mean, but I would literally have to

Fucking be knowing what you're doing in the bedroom Which I don't want to know Well, what about you? I guess you said you don't taper off Because that's another thing that happens in relationships You know There's like, you know Big thing with women is they like kissing

And Guys are very Focused on the finish line So, you know You're getting that relationship like We haven't had sex in a while, you want to have sex? When you start getting in that fucking thing And you just start scheduling it

How does your day look? Maybe around four? Okay Okay, we will fuck at four You know And you're not even self-conscious So there's no excitement, you just fucking take your clothes off Like you're getting strip-searched on your way to Serving time at fucking

Some penitentiary Penitentiary P-E-N-I-T-E-N-T-I-A-R-Y Penitentiary Sorry It's one of the words I learned this week And I was trying to remember Rikers Island And I couldn't at that point

So Dude, I don't know what to tell you The bottom line, I don't give a fuck who you are How many love you are with somebody After a while you're going to get sick of fucking them That's what happens I don't know What's going on, I don't know if you have some sort of like

Delayed halitosis Where for the first two years you have wonderful breath And then all of a sudden it's unbearable I'm just fucking with you, I don't want to give you a complex But I'm just saying, I don't know what I would try to meet girls in a different place I would start with that And

I don't know, I don't know Dude, this one is beyond me I've never I mean part of me wants to say You're being a little too hard on yourself here But whatever, go out there And you know, go bang some fucking women You're single, go out there

Bang some fucking women, and as always Always talk to women that you think are out of your league Always do that shit The worst thing they can do is say no But one of them is going to fucking say yes That'll give you more confidence And you'll keep moving up the draft board Next thing you know, you're pulling pussy out of the first round

Rather than drafting Like you fucking won the Super Bowl last year You know, having that 28th pick Praying that the female version Of fucking Dan Marino still around That didn't make sense, but you know what I'm saying Anyways, am I almost done here? 46 minutes in

46 minutes into the podcast Let's wrap this shit up here people With a little bit of underrated overrated, shall we? Underrated Bill, last week you got an email from a fan That recounted His sister's Wiccan wedding Personally, I think the ritual was

That was discussed in the wedding is fucking Mind-numbingly insane, but part of me Has to give it up to the couple that got married Oh sorry, underrated is having balls They knew their ritual would not be well received But they did not give a fuck It was their day and they had the conviction to do what they wanted Even knowing that their family

And guests would not warmly receive The whole gibberish chanting And bloodletting Okay, so there you go Having the balls to fucking Have everyone in your family Another quick thing, here's something People are traveling to Boston, they know that I grew up there

And I also fucking travel around the country And this guy said, hey Bill, I'm going there with my wife She used to She used to live there But I would also, you know So she knows where to go, I'd like to know Have you tell me where to fuck to go I'm paraphrasing obviously

I haven't lived there since 1995, dude So I'm going to try to tell you To go to some of my favorite places Back in the day, I would start Go to Cappy's Liquors On Route 1 in Saugus Right before you know Get a good six pack in you

Maybe some Michelobes And then go up to the Go up to the Calloon, get some fucking Chinese food And of course Another great liquor store Out in the Boston areas, out in Brockton, Massachusetts Go to Blanchard's Liquor Store Out by the Westgate Mall

You might want to check if that's still there That's a great place, you know Go out there and put on some flock of seagulls And try to talk to some chick With way too much Who drew a triangle of pink On both of her cheeks I'm just fucking with you

The Penalty Box, go to Bruins Game Stop by the Penalty Box, that's a good bar It's really alcohol based Stay away from the Freedom Trail Okay, stay away from the Freedom Trail I don't know about you guys But there's nothing more boring To me anyways

Than the Revolutionary War It is mind-bogglingly boring With the old weaponry It's like the original Atari After you saw this PlayStation shit We've been doing for the last, you know, 50 years So, oh, you hear that shit? She's singing again

Wait a second Wait for it Ah, the fucking guy in the violin Can you hear it? Probably can't fucking hear She's singing Alright Oh, when somebody sent me something This is the last thing I'll tell you guys

Before I'll tell you all to have a good fucking week As I always do, trying to enter in a nice positive note Hey, let me hit refresh here Just to see who's winning this fucking game Come on, refresh Jesus Christ Isn't it unbelievable how quickly your fucking computer gets old? It's like cool for the first fucking week

And then you download a couple things And then it's like, you know It's like Brad Pitt at the beginning of that movie Where he played the old baby Did anybody see that movie? I don't think I've ever laughed so fucking hard in my life When that guy came in And he was trying to get some pussy

And he looks down and there was that little old baby You want to talk about killing a fucking woman's A guy's libido? The fuck is going on with my computer? Oh, I didn't have the thing I actually have dial up right now If you can believe it, that's probably another one of the problems Alright, here we go

Come on, come on Oh, you fucking cunts Two to one Pittsburgh 804 left, I like it though I forget the name of the guy, but we have a new defenseman Maybe that'll help us to make up for the fact that we don't have Phil Kessel anymore Even though for some reason a lot of people don't like him

So anyways, this guy sent me, this last thing I'll read you guys This guy sent me something about You know what I was talking about when you're going to go buy things And people ask for your phone number And all this fucking information And it fucking creeps me out Every time they do that, I just think that they should play In the beginning of that iron mainsong

The prisoner, you remember that from the 80s Do you remember how that thing went? We want information Information You remember this? Information, who are you? The new number two Who is number one?

You are number six Most psycho laugh ever I am the number I am a free man Can you imagine if your fucking dad Would laugh at you like that back in the day? I am a free man Be like son

How many beers did you have tonight? You're just like, I just had two I am a free man All right, now you're just fucking All of a sudden the lights start dimming It's going to be over Did that make any sense by the way? I don't know, I'm sitting there with one microphone

No headphones in a fucking hotel room This is what you get So this guy Said, Bill, can you believe how much information People are willing to give away To strangers for no reason He goes, I got my hair cut the other day And the first thing they say to me before hello

Or what can I do for you is The first thing out of the gate is What's your phone number? So I say, why do you need my phone number? She says, so we know who you are When you come in Which is bullshit Because they don't know you when you come in

They still have to ask what your goddamn number is See, you gotta love someone Who actually fucking uses their brain So anyway, she goes, he says I don't want to give you my number So then she scoffs in his face And says, we don't send The information out to anyone

It's just to keep track of you here That's it So she says Then the guy says, the guy wrote this really badly here So then I guess he responds to That doesn't make me feel any better You don't need my phone number to cut my hair Then this slag

Does this fine whatever That sounded exactly like your exaggerated Impression of a dumb broad Then she goes, how about your address? Dude, this is fucking You know what, all these corporations Are sharing this information To figure out exactly

What you buy, when you buy it What you like the best So they can just fucking, I don't know what You know Jack the prices of this shit up So anyways She goes, how about your address And the guy goes, what are you gonna do

Drop the haircut off at my house Just cut my fucking hair Now there's three people In line behind me in this worthless tub Of cum, Jesus Leans around me and says To the people behind him, sorry This takes longer when they

Then he writes, they, you know Don't give any information And then he says sarcastically Oh, I see, I'm the one Complicating this transaction And it's not even her fault It's her, oh, it's not even her fault It's her corporate creep bosses

And all the fucking sheep that let people do whatever they want Sorry, this is so long Well, you should apologize to my listeners Because they had to listen to me read it Yeah, man, don't give those people your fucking phone numbers Don't give them your address I do that, can we get your phone number No, you can't

We're not gonna do anything with it, that's fine That's fine, I know you're not gonna do anything with it I don't want you to have my phone number What are you gonna call me up and see how my fucking hair cut's going Is it still short And you think you need an adjustment Did I tell you that story? But when I went into CVS

And that guy who looked with the Pee Wee Herman haircut There was two foreigners In front of me, they barely spoke English And he asked if they wanted one of those savey save cards And they said, no And he goes, that's alright, I'll just scan one anyways And he scans it So I walk up and I'm ready for this guy

He goes, do you have our little savey save card? And I say, no, I don't And he goes, well, I'll just scan it anyways And I go, no, I don't want you to And then he scanned it and I said, excuse me What did I just say to you? I just said I don't want that and you scanned it anyways Why did you just do that?

And I go, what do you get? Like half a cent For every person that you get You know That you get on the fucking list there And he goes, no, I don't It's like really, is that why you can't make eye contact with me You fucking piece of shit He probably didn't even unscan the goddamn thing

You know, I don't understand people who help out corporations I just don't, have they done anything To demonstrate that they give a flying fuck About you or the drinking water In your town, don't help those cunts I mean, you can if you want to But I would just, I think it would be a better world If these fucking pricks

Did know every goddamn thing about you You know, pretty soon you're gonna walk in there And they're gonna fucking ask if you can put a If they can just bug you Like Gene Hackman in The Conversation Right? Alright dude I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about You know what, I'm gonna go down and listen to this lady's singer songs

So I don't have to think There's a nice little crowd down there There's gotta be at least 26 people down there Which I think in downtown San Jose Actually constitutes a mob Maybe somebody will get tased And shot in the abdomen, I don't know what Alright, that's the podcast for this week

Thank you guys so much for listening I am currently revamping my website And I hope that everything's gonna be up to speed I recently went over 10,000 people on my mailing list So I'm really excited about that And if you want to know what's going on You know, especially if you see

You know, when I switched over To Lipsyn with the podcast And all that fucking shit If you were out of the loop It's cause you weren't on my mailing list How funny is this? How fucking hypocritical am I? I just said don't give your phone number out to these cunts

And now here I am asking for your web address I really did Why do you people listen to this? Alright, I'll talk to you later Still You're a friend You're borrowed And then

You give it to me I don't mind Your love for me To give it all All out I don't mind Your love for me To give it all

All out All out All out All out All out All out All out All out

All out All out All out All out All out All out All out All out

All out Thanks for watching!