Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-8-21

Episode Date: March 8, 2021

Bill rambles about haunted houses, misinformation, and Tom Wilson hit.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast from Monday March 8th 2000 and that was it two thousand twenty-one Two thousand twenty-one what's going on how? How's things going with you guys is everything okay in your neck of delwoods, I hope so The woods Tiger Woods is he doing better the fucking guy man. He gets an SUV. I'll tell you you don't know what's gonna happen You know he could have some broad chasing him down the street He could be looking at his phone all of a sudden. He's doing some fucking evil. Can evil shit? I hope he's all right

Sorry, I'm getting settled in here settled in settling in All Billy freckles has been fucking straight-edge sober For like a week for like a week. Oh Billy mundane All Billy left with his thoughts just taking life in the fucking face every Every day every day every day of the year Bado bado bado much I didn't take no drugs Yeah, it's actually you know, it's not bad I Try to eat vegetarian this whole week plant paste just to see what it would do

I just kind of you know, I went hard last weekend You know, so I was like, all right, let me see what all these fucking, you know People are talking about all those people on the internet, right? Cardio burn fat. No, right? Oh, he's fucking look at me. I'm fucking shredded and all I eat is lettuce Look at me. I fucking don't need to take naps cuz I eat a fucking, you know a goddamn moose every week I don't know what to believe anymore No idea. So I'm like, all right, I'll try this shit so

I've been doing the the protein bowls That some people call Buddha bowls and I'm gonna like preemptive preemptively get offended on behalf of Buddhist people because that's what white people like to do now get offended for other groups of people So when the shit hits the fan, it doesn't come on them They don't really do anything to help out those people They just act like they're fucking appalled and then they go back to their fucking life, right? Isn't that is that's how it works, right?

Oh my god, wasn't that a little tone-deaf? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you inside your garrison colonial Um, oh god speaking of garrison Colonials. Oh, Jesus All right, I got another repair coming on the house. I don't give a fuck at this point I'm just gonna become this insane person. That's just constantly repairing their house. That's what it is It's really what it is so The shit hit the fan. No pun intended. We got the sewer this sewer

Our sewer line is like the original one that they put in you know back when Babe Ruth was still on the Yankees And I'm not even joking. So back then they were cast iron, which is the shit But they put them together in sections. What happens over the years with earthquakes and the house settling and all that a space starts to develop Between those with the cast iron pipes Are connected and then you get tree roots in there that are like, you know Those people that used to be behind the backboard during a file shot. Yeah, and that except the ball trying to go through the hoop is now your shit trying to leave your property and

Going into the main sewer pipe and going where it belongs Which is in the ocean, right? I think that's what we've all decided That's where everything belongs that we don't want to look at put litter in its place Put it in a barrel that gets picked up by a truck that then dumps it in the ocean Why should you have to look at what the fuck the mess you made? You know Let some porpoise look at it Can you imagine if fish could talk and actually fucking Breathe on land like an amphibian. Well, maybe the maybe maybe frogs

Like that frog on Bugs Bunny Could kind of let us know what's up about all of this shit. I Don't know. It's fucking insane to me. My wife was telling me yesterday. She showed me this picture of a Friend to hers or something and they had like this birthday party for their kid and Like I swear to I call this sort of the Instagram Kardashian effect like the way people have like parties for their kids I Mean it looks like a fucking movie like whatever the theme is. It's like a movie set

You're like, oh, you know my my kids really into fucking Raiders of the Lost Ark and they'll have like a giant Styrofoam ball like rolling down the fucking driveway and the kids have to run away if there's like horses and shit and like, you know All of this shit and all I just look at it. I'm just like well when the party ends. What do you do with all that shit? Yeah, yeah, I had to make it for it and now you just throw it out. I was a fucking kid You just there was a cake. All right cake stupid hats and then that was it You got some fucking stretch arm a stretch Armstrong You know stretch Armstrong all the strut 90% of the stretch arms Armstrong's are probably in the ocean right now in the ground somewhere

you know some fucking Flounder thinks it's a starfish and he bites into it then he's got that rubber in him, right? And then someday, you know, you go to have flounder Because you're a pescetarian and you think you're fucking eating healthy and you're actually eating the head off your fucking You know your uncle's stretch Armstrong for way back in the day. It's all connected everybody I don't know what I'm talking about here. So Anyway, yes, I've been so what am I trying to talk about? I was so I've been sober here like nothing I

Mean, I'm literally talking like no cigars No little fucking one-hitter no fucking, you know eat no little weed Nothing No booze. No, nothing. I'm gonna tell you something man. Okay? I'll tell you something right now if life is moving by too fast like where is the time going? I have a great idea for you to for a solution just Be stone sober

Because right now it feels to me like it's like March 15th 16th, and it's only the 8th It's like you remember everything each I Will tell you though. I am sleeping better though You know I fucking last night last like two three nights I got really really good sleep, and then I'm also taking naps in the afternoon, which is Another good one. I guess all of that shit's good for your brain, and I'm already becoming like forgetful Freddy So I heard like with Alzheimer's and dimension shit. It's good to get rest and then oh

I felt I went down one of those stupid fucking rabbit holes And I knew it was a rabbit hole, and I still did it and this guy He's a scientist he worked at NASA, and he discovered some foods that help your short-term memory And he discovered that cheese was bad for and in the next hour I'm gonna show you get done at it, and you're just sitting there, okay? Show me and he just keeps talking and what I've discovered it will blow your mind I'm gonna show you four simple stitches fucking show me you black come wearing and they never do and I Stayed on the fucking thing for like I swear to God

I'm like I it became like a mission like you ever call up the cable company back in the day or you order the fight It doesn't fucking come in or some shit, and it just you know They put you on hold for so long you just like you know what? I ain't fucking leaving and that what ends up happening 40 40 minutes later somebody just goes hello time Warner you like yeah Hey, they're like hello. Hello. Yeah, I'm here to click Then you set your phone down, and you got to walk away all the way to the other side of the room You face the wall Like you're in that fucking witch movie from back in the day

The fuck was the name of that movie? Which is Eastwick what the fuck was it called the Blair Witch right you stand in the corner like you're in the Blair Witch You grab a throw pillow You put it over your face, and then you scream I know you fucking heard me Then you start you Replay that hello hello, and then the click and you start putting a face to the hello Then you fantasize about finding out

Where they live Driving over to their house Being like hey Hey, can you can you hear me now? And you know they know If you say if somebody works for the fucking one of those fucking companies Will you your fucking answer phones if you walk up to them and go hey, can you hear me now? They know they're like oh fuck I mean I hung up on so many people. I don't remember this guy, but I definitely hung up on this guy

How the fuck did he find me? They're taking him by the back of their head and what does what does what does off the hood of a fucking car Next time I call you you're gonna fucking answer And you're gonna take my fucking call Maybe I take it too personal. I don't know Anyway The fuck was I talking about yeah, so now I got all this digging up my fucking front yard and shit It's amazing it was kind of amazing

To see something that's been buried for almost a hundred years And for them to take it out of the ground I was thinking about the people that put it in You know All the people that lived in this house and took a shit I Mean it's history right don't don't they do that shit a lot don't they always like they find something You know whatever they bury they bury something and then years later

We're gonna dig it up. I remember one one time they had this car from the 1950s This beautiful car was brand new and they buried it and they were like 50 years later. We're gonna dig this up they put all this time capsule shit in there and Unfortunately when they went to dig it up somehow whatever they had sealed it in there was a leak In water from raining and shit got in car was all corroded and fucking rotted out sort of a big disappointment But it was still kind of cool um So anyway since

They put in the cast iron Shit pipe they now have one just basically one long one now So there's no way for the tree roots to get in it, which means If we don't destroy ourselves a hundred years from now You know Someone will be shitting in this house Off of my dollar Okay, and i'm telling you right now i'm gonna haunt those fucking people

I'm out of fucking money. I put to this house. I gotta do something i'm hanging around Okay, i'm fucking hanging around Then they're gonna have to get some fucking four foot eleven little fat chick to come in Who somehow could talk to the dead? Right They'll have a little seance They'll try and contact me You know, what's his deal was he murdered in this house?

Was he molested what happened? Oh, no, he's a disc. He's the guy that fixed all the plumbing. He's a disgruntled former owner And he didn't feel he lived long enough for the amount of money He was he was up down up still he was upside down on the house when he died And he said he's gonna stay here until he gets his fucking money back Um So anyway, i've been making these protein bowls And i gotta be honest with you After about two and a half days i'm like i don't think i can fucking eat another sweet potato

With some sauerkraut and some chopped up cabbage and fucking lettuce like i don't know how these fucking vegetarians do it I understand why a lot of them are fat Because you just sit there and you're eating i you know what i know what it is. It's actually it's difficult To you're learning a whole new way of cooking and speaking of which you know what i should do is i should watch jason law heads um I think it was what is it called eat with me? I don't know what it is eat with oh it says it Yeah, it's like eat with meat, but he cuts off the at so it's eat with me And he comes up with all these amazing, but he's an incredible incredible cook

So maybe i'll watch a little bit of that. I need something With a little bit of zip So anyway, basically, I uh, I had one italian sandwich on wednesday I ate veggie all day wednesday except for that and then monday tuesday i did and thursday Friday all of saturday and then at night they start to open up restaurants out here So you know which is great everybody wore the mask, you know what i mean? We're sitting far enough away so you can take them off you can eat and gets weird when the waiter comes over because now

It's like well, I don't want to breathe on you but whatever So um, I ordered uh What i got i got the chicken parmesan I had a fucking rice ball and all this shit was fucking delicious right and uh But I can't tell you afterwards. I felt like I ate a fucking football helmet And the food was delicious. It had nothing to do with that. It's just it's just a completely different kind of feeling

Um, and it was kind of making me feel like All right, so maybe our vegetarians right because you never feel that way after a vegetarian that uh Oh that fucking feeling But then it could also be like well bill you ate way too much because there's something about whenever you order a chicken parmesan Like those Italians they try to kill you with it, you know, they're not just going to give you like a protein the size of your They give you a protein the size of your chest Um, and I was taught not to raise waste food don't so I fucking try to eat the whole thing And I should that's probably what it was. I probably just ate too much

I have no fucking idea, but uh, I have I dropped a couple of pounds Um We'll see I'm just going to do it for the month of march I'm just going to do it and I'm just going to see how I feel afterwards But I got to be honest any if there's any vegetarian vegan people if you can help me out if you got a decent recipe Something that's a little exciting and you know, it's funny exciting really is Because this really isn't like a vegetarian versus eating meat thing. It's really that I cut out all sugar in salt

And that's sugar and salt. That's really the excitement Of eating that those two are the life of the party. Who's kidding who you know what I mean Because if you eat unseasoned meat that is as fucking bland an experience You know as eating vegetarian, but like, you know, you got to throw some butter in there like that That's that's those are the people like you having a house party. Who are we inviting right? You got to have a couple of fucking nerds In case somebody wants to talk about whatever Right, but then you need your party animals and that's the sugar the salt the butter. Oh, that's the flavor right

All of that shit when when you cut all of that out You cut all of that out and you're not boozing You know, I just realized I just kind of starting to realize how fucking crazy I sound right now like I'm fucking uh I am on the cutting edge of boredom right now I Mean thank god this weekend. I did three shows Friday night I felt like it was back in the day when I was in New York and I had to drive around do spots I did one out in Santa Monica

And then I did uh, I did two right here and then um La and uh, I guess Santa Monica is la and I don't know how it works out here Uh more towards like Hollywood, right And I had such a fucking great time Such a great time fucking with people and you know, I gotta tell you though for other comedians listening to this I like this new generation of young people the generation that's right after millennials I mean the millennials they just got hit with a hail storm of shit

I think they they're gonna be in therapy not working out shit about their parents. It's about like Why the fuck did we have to behave that way when we were young? you know Everybody fucking had their fun baby boomers right generation X Whoever fuck came after that everybody seemed to have a good time and then we were supposed to be like I don't know what you know But now like I don't know I'm just sitting there looking at it like the young kids and shit. It's like the drugs are fun

Everybody knows like heroin and fucking coke or I'm not saying people don't do that but they got a lot of like sort of like You know mushrooms fucking What is it? I don't know what the fight. I don't know anything about drugs But I'm just it just seemed you take mushrooms man. You kind of figure some shit out about yourself Which is what happened to me That's not what drugs were like when I was a kid even though mushrooms were around But I don't I don't know there wasn't all this information about it

And then they got a lot of like I I'm starting to like some of that I like that uh that vibe music with this like Whatever it is where there's no, uh, there's no lyrics And it's just sort of this chill sort of vibe So if anybody's got some good vegetarian things and they got some good vibe music, I would fucking love to listen to that Oh speaking of that Um Somebody sent me some albums. I got some albums here sitting right on top of my fucking stereo

That I'm going to be listening to Um listening to some some music Stone sober like I used to when I was a member of the Columbia records and tapes club way back in the day And I forgot to fill out the form and they sent me the pat benatar You know cassette tape for like 1199 and not only that the cheap fox The cheap fox they I didn't even get the full album cover on it They gave me the one that has the white remember when they do the cheap like white things on the side and then the where

When you would stand it up It also was white with those red or pink lines. You remember that shit those cheap fucks Couldn't get like the real album. I hated that shit So, um We are young Hardic to hardic Um, it's a good album Because you know what love is a battlefield

Love is a battlefield I think she said it best And we should she used to play with room full of blues too that horn section from down on rhodeland. I think providence or something like that some good shit, um You know, I was worried that I wasn't going to have a lot of shit to talk about turns out I do um Let's talk about tom wilson's hit on brandon carlo

Suspended for seven games I told you I mean I was sitting there going trend Frederick It looks like he's gonna have a little fucking dance card night there with tom wilson and they did fight Didn't quite get going wilson's a main. I mean, uh Fredrick's a maniac reminds me of terrio riley in that terry would fight anybody And uh, I remember fred kusic used to be he said he'd be the best fighter in the league if he just stand up Terrio riley used to swing from his fucking skates

He was literally trying to knock your fucking head off. He was one of the toughest guys i've ever seen and anyway, um Yeah, that hit on brandon carlo was fucking brutal. I mean it was just And what's really interesting too is to listen to the bruins feed and then listen to the washington feed You know our announcers are going fucking nuts because it was no there was weird like there was no, uh They didn't call a penalty on it and uh You know, he had this back to the guy or whatever he fucking comes in he Fucking the guy's six five. He still hit him in the fucking head. So I mean, how do you do that, right?

Unless you're fucking six five two which tom wilson isn't right not saying he's a small guy But uh, but you know shit like that happens it happens in the game You know, if you're gonna have teams play each other back to back they start getting fucking annoyed and um, you know The only thing that really bugged me was that there was no, uh, no penalty on it Uh, but we still won the fucking game, but uh, but I heard brand carlo's doing better And um as much as I want to get pissed about the fucking hit, you know throughout the history of the bruins We've done shit like that too. It's fucking hockey. It happens

But the washington announcers it was hilarious. I get it. They work for the capitals But one of the color guys going, I mean it kind of looked like a glove to the face Is that what it looked like Um, but I get it. I get all of that shit and I'm not going to sit there and fucking whine about it But uh, it is what it is It is what it is. So now we got this great rivalry. It was funny like The story they kept trying to make the story that oh charo We love charo and he's back and then just these back-to-back games and the fact that the uh capitals are the top dogs out there

um You know It's it's created this great rivalry, you know, and if i'm going to be honest You know, Trent frederick was stirring shit up the game before he was going after uh ovechkin And uh You know and then it's up to the refs to kind of sort it out or back in the day You had a couple of fucking enforcers and they'd go out there and they would fucking handle it

But they they've gotten rid of that job sort of so You know these other guys kind of pay the price, but I have to tell you know, of all the bullshit out there, you know, whatever fucking ovechkin spears one of our guys in the balls I mean, you know, we've done that loot. That used to be lucia's move for like fucking three weeks He was doing that. So I mean we've done it too but um The hits to the head man, those are the ones especially now with all the information out there of like what that can do to you

later on in life effect literally Be short tempered around your kids. It would have been nicer if he found a different way to be a little bit of a fucking Cunting bastard, but like I said, I mean, I'm not gonna fucking sit here and whine about this shit but uh But anyways, if you're new to hockey, whatever next time Bruins play the capitals, that'd be a fun one to watch Just put it out there Um

What else? Oh, I did my I went to my first award show today Uh at the critics choice awards. I got to do it from my house, which was great Uh, it was fucking surreal. I was just sitting there watching it You know, they put you in on the feed um This movie I was in with pete davidson was called the king of statten island um had all these amazing people in it that I Got to work with and uh, so anyways, they went the movie itself was nominated for best, uh

comedy So, uh jet apatow couldn't make it. So I was I was gonna be there accepting it on behalf of him if we won So I was like, all right, so they said, you know, it was a black tie event So I broke out the new year's eve suit the white suit black shirt black tie Thank god I did I was happy that I dressed up because I was thinking like am I really gonna get dressed up in my own house And then donald southerland won something. How do you not love donald southerland? I've been watching that guy since kelly's heroes, right?

And he was he had on a tuxedo white shirt with the with the black bow tie It's like there you go old school class guy. I'm glad I dressed up So, um I don't I got I can't believe how fucking nervous I was all of a sudden Morgan freeman is intro in it and then they they cut to all of the feeds Um And all of a sudden I see myself up there With all these people man was fucking crazy

And then again the winner is and I got all nervous going like not us not us not us And uh, was it palm springs or palm desert? What are the andy sand? Let me get the right name of the movie. I'm the fucking worst the andy sandberg one, which I heard is great Andy Andy and he said boy. Remember that the roast sandberg palm What the fuck is it Palm springs. Okay. I had it right the first time. Yeah, so they won And they won my first thought was like thank god because now I don't have to talk because I was so freaking out

I was like I I wrote everybody's name in the fucking cast down on a piece of paper You know universal all of this shit I had it all fucking written out and um And then that's it and then andy wins Palm springs and then he does his acceptance thing and then they go, okay, you can go now It's crazy. It was like the best way to ever do an award show you do it at home Uh, they they go, okay You know sign in at 450 and then like 10 minutes later. They they read our category, you know and you know

You win or lose Whoever wins does the acceptance speech and then they go, okay. Thanks a lot and then you get then you get to leave and then you have to go home So it's kind of fucking awesome, but I'm not gonna lie to you I I was fucking nervous as shit and then afterwards I was a little bummed out that we didn't win Not that I thought we should have won. I'm not I'm not shitting on anybody that I was just kind of like I was like I kind of got into that Who know look at both billy's going hollywood

Um, I gotta go buy a swan dress for my next one I told my wife i'm wearing the same suit for everything And she goes no, you're not that's not a good look. I go. It's a great look It's a great look and it's a cheap look because I have to fucking replace the fucking drainage system in the front yard Once again Once again, it never ends it never every time you think every time you think you got it Oh, and you think you got it all fixed Second you think you got it all fixed

Oh, fucking uh slow joe biden you see that ramping up the war machine right all of a sudden. No the taliban's fucking Fucking unbelievable Unbelievable i'm telling you they wouldn't give us bernie. They didn't want bernie because bernie was gonna try and shut this shit down That's why and they didn't want trump because he wasn't playing fucking ball So what do they do they get a fucking another warmonger just gonna keep it going? Jesus fucking christ Acting like we give a shit about what's happening or we don't We don't we don't even this fuck don't even give a fuck about our own people

Look at that living out in the street and fucking tense All right, i'm done. I'm done fucking preaching here. Um All right, let's get to the uh Let's get to some of the reeds here For the tweak, um Oh, here we go live reeds. Oh, look who it is everybody. Look who it is Policy genius, uh spring is springing as we speak Is it

Is it me or is it just isn't my crazy people back me up? Hey, this guy knows what he's talking when i'm talking about I know what you're thinking. Sorry. I said you get all those 80s setups out of my fucking brain here spring keeps happening earlier Like We're fucking moving the clocks forward in like march That shit used to happen in april used to go from fucking october to april. Let me see something daylight savings time Daylight savings date keeps moving up

Why is there daylight savings time? Why does daylight savings time keep changing? Let's see. Why is there daylight? It wasn't at the farm thing Daylight savings time in the united states is the practice of setting the clock forward by one hour When there is longer daylight during the day so that evenings have more daylight and mornings have less The uniform time act of 1966 established the system of uniform Daylight savings throughout the united states, but why? Um That's hilarious. Ohio clock in the u.s. Capitol building

They got like three of the oldest white four the oldest white guys ever um daylight savings time In the u.s. Why? Where is it 1916 to 66 early consistent use during world war one in an effort to conserve fuel Germany began to observe daylight savings time the germans. I'm telling you man. They're not good with people. They're great with machines On may 1st 1916 the rest of europe soon followed The plan was not adopted in the united states until the standard act time of march 19th 1918. So this came from germany

Uh, which confronts we can work longer, uh, which confirmed the existing standard time zone System and set daylight savings time to begin on march 31st And reverting on october 27th. The idea was unpopular especially with farmers In fact daylight savings times meant that they had less time in the morning To get their milk and harvest their crops to the market. Well, why didn't those fucking dopes just wake up earlier? Um, if they had the internet they would have done it back then they were like daylight savings time is a fucking conspiracy Uh, congress abolished daylight savings time after the war overriding president woodrow wilson Oh, yeah, the old federal reserve act

Overriding president woodrow wilson's veto daylight savings time became a local option new york city continued to observe a Metropolitan daylight savings time while rural areas outside the city did not So it started to conserve fuel. All right Okay, but why does it keep moving up? Um Why does daylight savings time keep moving up? The nominal reason for daylight savings time has been to save energy. Okay More states moving to keep daylight savings time permanent

Uh, that blows why would you do that? I like I like that in the fall when all of a sudden it gets dark out The football games are dark I like things to stay the way they were um You know, it's an amazing thing about getting older watching things change and i'm coming to the end of me freaking out Oh, the nba is the way it used to be i'm coming to the end of all of this And i'm kind of getting into the fact that no one cares what I think because i'm too old Advertisers don't care. All I want to do is sell me drugs to clean out my fucking

prostate or Make my brain have less plaque or whatever. They don't give a fuck I mean And the thing about it is is when people when universally people stop giving a fuck about what you say you can then Say whatever you want Yeah, your boobs are hanging out, you know, oh grandpa like nobody cares Kippie in your 20s be like hey your boobs are hanging out cancel him

All right policy genius spring is springing as we speak and it's the perfect reminder to Quite literally get your house in order. Yeah, like easter keeps moving out. I'm never going to get through this copy Why not get a head start like why is good friday? Like always on a different fucking day? Like do they have the date where they fucking whack this guy or what? Uh valentine's day is always on the 14th, right? Uh, why not get a head start by revisiting your home and auto insurance with policy genius? They've saved reshoppers up to 1,000 five 1,055

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Oh, I got a plug here Anything there's a new episode of anything better new episodes come out every saturday morning It's me shooting this shit with one of my favorite people in the world uh, paul versey paul versey Is about ready to blow up as a fucking comedian traveling comedian if we can ever get past this fucking virus I'm telling you go see that guy live. He's been doing some some scattered dates here and there uh during this pandemic. All right cheers from morocco Dear bill, thank you for all your podcasts specials and everything cheers from morocco best regards. Look at that morocco

You played it for how you can play it for me, right? Isn't cast a blanka in morocco? Is it Is it every tell you that time I took my wife To go see uh Casa blanka because she had never seen it So I take her to see it and it's uh Uh Yeah, cast a blanket right it is there, okay um

So I take her to see this shit and it turns out where we go to see it in downtown la I thought it was going to be in this amazing movie theater We showed up and it was like the la symphony playing all the music live while you watch the movie Okay, I fucking scored that day That was the that was the greatest accidental accidental romantic thing I did And the dumbest thing was I was like I didn't know they were going to do this So I lost all credit. All right, dr. Strange love country song

Hey, billy mushroom dick You know what that means. Hey, man Uh on the podcast or march first you mentioned that you watched dr. Strange love and proceeded to do the peter cellar's voice from the movie Uh, anyway, I was wondering if you heard of the song oaky from muscogee. Yeah by murl haggard I have the dude sings the entire song in the dr. Strange love voice And I find it hilarious just a heads up the singer does mention disapproval of recreational lsd use Sorry if that triggers you That contradicts your truth, man

Ah, you guys are fucking some funny sons of bitches. Aren't you huh trying to take my job? All right translation Burrito gringo. Uh, all right. Hello Billy babushka balls long time listener Here my name is Fernando now. How do you know babushka? I thought babushka was like eastern european for like a fucking old lady Your name is Fernando Um, anyway, you asked You asked well you asked any of your mexican listeners to help you translate. I am a Son of a bitch gringo breeder eat it. I didn't say that I said i'm a i'm a burrito eating son of a bitch. Isn't that what it was?

Anyway, now I am peru now. I am peruvian But I've been called a mexican before To answer your question that translate to yo soy that means I am yo soy on on he he oh the puta puta work with enough latin fucking comedians to know that that's uh, that's bitch, isn't it? Yo soy on he oh the puta gringo com burrito

Stay great and go fuck yourself. I wonder what happened if I said that in mexico They said can I help you? I said I am a fucking I'm a gringo. I'm a fucking gringo burrito eating son of a bitch Oh, this peruvian guys. He said I am a son of a bitch gringo burrito eater Yeah, I think you're doing the literal translation from your language like you only can like french They'll say the car yellow Where we say the yellow car how it translates. I think you're doing it that way. I don't know All right, hope this is where to complain

Oh boy, here we go. Hey huge fan. I'll cut to the chase. I'm in a pickle But not really because I don't really give a fuck. Okay. This is very zen way. I look at your problem I like this guy or lady. Um, I own a home In an in a hoa community. What's a hoa hoa? I'm on a prostitute's walking the block there. Sorry. I don't understand what I'm really paying Hoa for all right. What the fuck is that shit? That's something else I need to know HOA meaning

Homeowner association Homeowner association is an organization in a subdivision plan community. Oh god That sounds like a bunch of douchebags You know you buy a house and you still have to go to meetings the fucking lady across the street can make you decisions on your gutters Is that's what's going on? You know, I don't know. Jesus christ I hate the sound of that Anyways, I don't understand what I'm really paying HOA for

So I cussed them out in a mail letter. Our neighborhood isn't gated Break-ins happen regularly and we had a shooting not long ago. Yeah, and then there isn't Much on their part that they do for us other than driving around And from the comfort of their own car they snap pics and send them in the mail with a fine Oh, they find you so I spoke my mind in a colorful manner next thing I know All the neighbors are looking at me like I'm a sex offender The only thing that's bothered me about that is that the letter wasn't meant for any of them cunts

And they shouldn't get their panties in a bunch I'm just sick and tired of paying for shit that does nothing for me So I should So should I play ball and bow down or should I continue to not give a fuck? And if you tell me to give a fuck Uh, it'll be a long time till I do there billy ps. It makes me comfortable when I hear you say Let's get to the reeds here. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Um No, dude, I think you should just be yourself

And next time somebody gives you a look just be like what was it because of the fucking letter There's a fucking robbery down. Just say what you just said. What are you paying for that false sense of fucking security? Um, I stand by it It's your fucking house. You're not in a gated community. What the fuck am I paying for what happens if you start paying for it? They can't take your house Fuck them That's a that's a fucking crazy movie right there And then you rebel and then they were they they they worry that they're gonna lose the locker room

So then all the everybody in the HOA plans how they're gonna fucking kill you Um, all right weird ass fucking girl asks me out All right Hey bill, how you doing? Okay, so I'm currently working at walmart as a cart pusher for about three weeks God bless you I don't think I've ever met a cart pusher that works at walmart You always see him See him all the time, but you ever know him. Do you ever take your time to talk to him?

Oh my god, I can't I can't imagine the fucking stories. You know what you should do after this job You should become a fucking writer You can't imagine what you've seen. All right today. There was a new girl who is working as a greeter Dude amazon has everybody shook We got to make the store experience more more exciting I go to amazon, but nobody says hi Uh, she counts the people going in and greets them. Oh, so there's some big brother shit going on All I did was introduce myself and talk with her a bit about my job. That's all

Yeah, but dude, you're pushing those carts, man. You're getting buff. She's she's liking what she's seeing All of a sudden she asked me if she can go outside and hang out while i'm pushing carts I don't know where she asked me if i'm in love with someone else Asked me if i'm in love with her Grabs my hand. Oh boy. Oh Jesus Ask me if I can dance with her Ask me if I can take her home and ask me if I wanted to go on a date tomorrow Wait in that order

What the fuck Oh boy I think she's not mentally stable. No, I think I think you're right. I think you should trust your gut She doesn't look that way though. She's pretty and has colored eyes. I bet she was a fucking huffer or something She breathed in a bunch of fucking gas or something like that movie I saw with philip seamar hoffman called love lysa Uh, she's about a seven Or an eight. I've never had this happen before so all I can think of This is that she's fucking crazy and wants to fuck my life up

I would actually go on a date with her if she acted more normally. What do you think trust you got dude? Don't get don't get fucking enamored by the looks I'm currently a senior in high school and she's a sophomore. Jesus christ what run away I can write in later and update you if you want. Yes, dude, stay away from that stay the fuck away from that Stay away. That is nuclear nuclear pussy. Stay away from that nuclear underage pussy Stay away says the monday morning podcast. All right girlfriend because you're a senior, dude. You're gonna be like 17 and you're probably 17 eventually gonna be 18 And then what hey, we can't bang anymore because now now i'm of age and you aren't

Wait, what is it? You know what? It's surprisingly the age of consent in most states is like fucking 16 if you can fucking believe that which is insane to me Dude, just stay away stay away Um Lie if you have to all right Just you know and you got to go with a big lie with somebody crazy tell her you're gay and just say listen I kind of got the hots for the manager

all right There's just something about him You know there's something about the fact that he doesn't have to wear this blue apron just makes He's just hot to me. I don't know Um, I don't know what to tell you dude. Just I would just stay away. Okay. She hasn't come at you with an axe Just tell her I don't want to go out with you All right, stand your ground All right, and then you have to have to find boundaries no more dancing outside no more no more no more of that

Shit, you got you got to cut the head off the snake. The good thing is is this is early on in her Infatuation with you and is there anybody else at work that maybe you don't like just to have them walk by her Maybe she'll fucking lock onto that person. It's like she's like the female. What about bob? You have to get her out of your fucking world and into somebody else's um But seriously dude, I'm fucking around here, but if that does escalate, uh I'd say to go to management But the way the narrative is out there is as a guy you're just always wrong

When it comes to women. So, uh, I don't know I would just always make sure there was a couple of sharpened carts between me and her. That's what I would do Um Yeah, just be like I don't like being touched. I've been diagnosed as asexual And my dream was always to push carts here at walmart. So if you don't mind, I'm going to get back to living my dream All right girlfriend won't do housework Quick background, uh, been with my girlfriend for about three and a half years Lover to death my kids 12 and 9 digger 2 we both work full time. I work a little more full time than her, but

uh long relationship Loving relationship. Sorry excellent communication supportive of each other's interests day to day very warm and close relationship, but He says if she cleaned one goddamn thing around this house, I'd probably drop dead in shock Aside from doing a load of laundry once in a while that won't get folded and put away unless I do it I'm on my own here. I'm not some douche who thinks women's it's the woman's job to keep the house clean This is how guys look guys. You're literally apologizing to another guy. It's fucking they got us all fucking scared shitless here I do the dishes vacuum take out the garbage and recycling scrub the toilets etc etc. Hey buddy. I hear you I just like it to be

split up a little more Or at all for that matter I take a fucking 70 30 split at this point You know, it's the worst is when you live with a slob and they actually do the dishes and then you pick them up And you have to do them anyway. That's actually worse than them not fucking doing them at all anyway, I asked her Because they do such a shit job. I asked her if she cleaned one bathroom six weeks ago and nothing so I'm just Not using that bathroom and letting it sit until she cleans it

I politely asked her to get It taken care of a couple of times in that span But definitely not nagging her or making it a point of contention How the hell do I get her to start cleaning? Thanks best to you and the family and go fuck yourself You said you guys have excellent communication Um, but for some reason you seem afraid to sit down with her You supportive of each other's interest just tell her just say listen. We're both working full time. I am exhausted You are exhausted. We have to split up the housework

It is a deal dude. If you would accept 70 30 you got it. You got a in negotiation. You got to ask for 50 50 And that's not you being some fucking caveman um It isn't women have Fucking just gotten over on guys by just playing the victim all the time and making you feel like you're this fucking misogynistic person While they just completely, you know Do whatever the fuck they want to do so

um Our relationship is not a utopia for one person in hell for another person that is not That's not a functional relationship. All right, both people take wins and losses so, um You know and there's a million ways sit down talk to her that way and if she doesn't Fucking do it. Then I would do it myself and then I just fucking I would I would just be upset with her I just be able to listen. You don't respect me This is ridiculous that like I'm you're treating me like him. You're made. I'm not

Just you know, you got to stand your ground here. All right boyfriend hasn't told me he loves me All right. Hey bill long time lady fan and listener of the podcast love when the lady's right in All right, I hope you and the lovely knee and your little ones are all safe and weathering the covid storm I mean, it's not even a storm anymore. It's just fucking is what it is I'm a very private person and struggled to talk to friends and family about relationship issues So I thought I would write in to your for your advice. Oh wait a second. You're writing in for advice. What? Hey, that's me Somebody else. All right, um

Not only did a female listener write in but she set me up to play the only jingle I have on this Oh, sorry more music is playing. How do I shut it off? Okay, um Okay, I'm very pro. Okay me and the boyfriend have been together for three years now And not a day has gone by where I haven't felt blessed to have found him He's caring strong hilarious and we have a lovely balance in our relationship The only thing that concerns me is he's never told me that he loves me All right. Oh, he's one of he might be one of those guys where it's just like, well, I'm still fucking here, right?

the only thing That concerns I read that okay to give you an idea of where we are at he introduced me to his family including his daughter about a year After about a year of us being together Okay, this is getting weirder we visit his mom every week Who is the kindest woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting? That's another weird thing If she was cold distance. All right, does he have a douche of a dad? I have met and get on well with all his friends We have plans to buy a house within the next couple of years

And he always talks about our future together. My mom thinks he's the most wonderful man She has ever met and everyone comments on how lovely our relationship is I'm in my late 20s and he's in his late 40s But the age gap has never been an issue for us all of his actions suggest to me that he does love me He often calls me his little love. Oh, there it is Then uses the word in various contexts, but he has never outright said I love you But I have this old-fashioned notion that a woman should never be able to say Be the first to say it which is probably ridiculous. That is ridiculous

You know, why can't you say what you're feeling? But I'm scared that he won't say it back What do you think bill? Am I silly for expecting him to have told me he loves me at this point? Oh my god. Where is your self-esteem? You got to work on your self-esteem here and putting the emphasis on these three words See, this is how much it bothers you that you've actually you're trying to justify it That is you're trying to like downplay it Should I should I bite the bullet and say it first or should I just give him more time? More time you've been to get it for three years. You're talking about buying a house

Don't fuck a buy a house with with this guy unless he says it Or should I just give him more time and let him say it when he's ready? I truly feel that we were meant for each other and I am extremely positive about our future together But it is bothering me nonetheless. Thanks bill. Sorry for rambling. Look at you Sorry for rambling You didn't ramble what you were doing was expressing how you feel. All right And for some reason you've been made to feel or this is how you're wired that you saying how you feel is somehow a burden on people You have needs you need to acknowledge them and you need to sit down with them and just say listen

You know, I know you love me I'm assuming it. We've been together for three years. You call me a little loving everything, but I just I need to hear that from you. I need to hear you say that you love me all right If it's something that you need, you know, I was almost going to say need a little time You don't want to give just you just ask him like why Okay, and then I you know what something just take the pressure off. I need to hear that But you haven't said it

And I'm not demanding that you say it. I'm just wondering why you haven't Okay, just go at it with like you don't want to get into a fight. I just want to talk to you And just see what that does. All right, but like You know Being in a relationship and feeling like that you can't talk to somebody if I was you I also maybe if you got the time Maybe talk to a therapist try to find a good one Ask around And find out why you feel like you have to apologize

For wanting to hear the person that you want to be with say that they love you and also that you're saying sorry for rambling you know You know, I would look at that stuff because you know, you sound like a really good person and you should validate what you're feeling And in a relationship just like that last guy. I need The woman I'm with to do have to you know, do some of the housework There's nothing wrong with that's in it doesn't make you a fucking caveman as a guy and it doesn't make you a nag as a woman You know, you're just You're the last two people what you're asking for is beyond reasonable

So that's it You guys would be unreasonable and I'm out of my fucking mind that is the podcast for this Monday go fuck yourselves Go Celtics go Bruins go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on uh, thursday. All right