Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-9-15

Episode Date: March 10, 2015

Bill rambles about famous colleges, being sick and swamp people.

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How's it going? How are you? Um, oh, Billy Bloodbath was fucking sick as a goddamn dog. I think all of the world travel caught up to me. I had a sore throat. I think I got a bad case of fucking sauce. You know, I was over there in Southeast Asia. You know what I mean? You gotta love the Asians.

The second they start getting sick, what do they do? They walk around coughing all over everybody like they do here in America. Fuck no. They go out and they get themselves a surgical mask. God knows they're so goddamn smart. Half of them are probably in medical school, so they probably get them free of charge. But still, still considerate, right? I don't know.

Maybe I fucking walked by somebody over there that wasn't wearing one. Who should have been like the one inconsiderate person in Hong Kong or Singapore or something. All right. And you know what the reality was as I went through all? Jesus. And this is like the best I've felt in three days. And I know what you guys are going to say. Oh, you know what it is, Bill?

It's just cigars. Well, fuck you. I don't need to hear it from you. Leonard Nimoy said a tweet on his fucking deathbed that changed my world. All right. I'm done with the fuck. I'm not done with them, but I'm done with them. All right.

I haven't smoked in, uh, what, two weeks? Oh, yeah. Why are you being so cunty? All right. It's good. That's good for me. It's good for me. You know, two weeks without a stoke.

16 days I've gone and I'm good, man. I'm not going to smoke one until I do that. The bus tour when I go down south, man. Go down there and fucking swore people. They down there. What are they doing? They're down there wrestling an alligator. Boy, what you doing?

I see what you're doing. It was rhetorical question. Why don't you go way down to the swamp and see what you can catch with your foot? Drag it back on the beach and I'll shoot it with shotgun mom over there, throw it in a pot. What do you think? Huh? What do you think? Huh?

Thank you. Thank you. That little skit was called the other white people. You know what I mean? When they're always trying to act like white people, all evil running banks, you know, just remember some of them are in swamps shooting varmints so they can eat that night. That's what I learned this week when I just sat, I sat in bed, I laid in bed from fucking Thursday right through to yesterday, Sunday.

I just stayed in bed. I fucking canceled everything. I was just, you know, canceled shows. You know, I was supposed to go on a picnic. I said I can't do that, you know, which really upset things because not only was I bringing the basket, I was also bringing a tablecloth. So my apologies. I'm kidding.

I didn't have a picnic. You know, I'm thinking of a picnic because I saw this thing Louis Vuitton makes. They actually make this fucking little bar, this portable bar. This is when you know you're a booze hunt, you know, your wife's looking at some fucking, you know, whatever the fuck they look at in those stores and you're like just thumbing through the catalog going, look at this overpriced bullshit. Right. And all of a sudden you go, oh, wait a minute, they got a bar and you can bring it with you.

Like that's like some old school shit before mothers against drinking and driving before drinking and driving was even a problem. First of all, back in the day, it's like how many people even had cars, right? You know, there's barely any fucking roads and they were all pretty much straight. Went right from the farmhouse right downtown, right? There wasn't a problem. You made your booze at home anyways, right in your bathtub. There wasn't a problem.

So that was the thing. You had to bring your booze from home over to somebody else's. I don't just, I don't know. I know what the fuck I'm talking about, but I laid in bed for I don't know. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and right into Sunday. And I watched a bunch of sports and I watched a bunch of fucking movies all from like the middle of the movie.

Like I saw the middle of the Seth Rogen neighbor's movie. I saw that just about right after they had moved the kids and moved in to the end of the movie. Then I flipped over. I kept missing like the first 20 minutes of every movie. I saw the Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson. I don't know what happened. Somehow they ended up at this computer company.

I saw that one. Oh, and then I watched that whole fucking that Robert Durst jinxed. Has anybody been watching that? It's about this fucking rich dude, right? That's rich fella who, uh, he's just jinxed like everywhere he goes, like somebody dies. It's like murder. She wrote except this person's always the suspect. That was like the old joke with like murder.

She wrote like everywhere that woman went, there was always a murder, but she was never a suspect. Well, this guy everywhere he went, there was a murder and he was always the suspect. I mean this poor bastard, you know, somebody was always getting murdered in his vicinity and they kept trying to pin it on him and they couldn't do it. Like his first wife, his first wife, he said, I took her down on the train station. That's the last time I ever saw her. That was like 30 years ago. They never were able to pin that on him.

He had some brought out in Cali, living in LA. They have him in the state of California, but he flew into Northern California way up north, like near Eureka. And so all they can do is put him in the state, which is like saying, you know, there was a murder in South Carolina. Yeah. Well, I was in Massachusetts. I mean, that's how long the fucking state is.

And then the last one was, uh, he had a tenant and that one he actually admitted to killing. But he said it was in self-defense and he chopped up the body because he didn't think anybody was going to believe him. You got to see this thing. And just the way the guy talks, he sounds like the guy who does the voiceover on the Cadbury egg commercials, you know, because when he's gone, they're gone. He sounded just like that. Like he would just be going like, I never knowingly lied.

I never, I never purposely, I never purposely lied about anything. I mean, telling the whole truth. I mean, nobody tells the whole truth, but I never lied. I mean, sure, did I leave things out? You know, you asked just if, if I leave this out because it won't be not the truth, but if I'm worried of how it will be interpreted that it could actually hurt me, then yes, you leave it out. But I never purposely knowingly lied.

You got to see this guy. And the more you watch this, I mean, right off the bat, you're like, this fucking guy did this shit. And the more you watch it, you're just like, you know, go in the other direction. You're like, this guy, this guy really did this shit. This guy without a doubt. How is this guy walking? Oh, that's right.

He sees filthy, stinking rich. I watched that and I watched fucking people down in a swamp shooting gators. This kid all nervous wanting to rassle his first alligator. And I thought I was like, Jesus Christ, he's going to get in the water with this fucking thing. And all it meant was when they got one on the line, trying to pull it into the boat without having that thing pull you over, pull you under. While your uncle sits there with the shotgun, go and hold him still. Then they fucking blow its head off.

I mean, what do you do with it? I mean, you're sitting there like, you got to shoot an alligator in the face. I mean, you got to think like his belly alone. You get those large scales of some shoes. I mean, there's pimps out there. They'll pay 12 grand a pair. Right. Right.

Walking over to Tom Ford. I never knowingly. I'm going to use that with my wife one time, right? When she sits there giving me shit about something. You know, he's touching to be home at two. It's four in the morning. Oh, let's show him and be like, look, I never purposely knowingly lied about when I was going to come home to you.

Did I leave out some of the truths about buying the last 14 rounds? I mean, nobody tells the whole truth. Anyway, so what else did I watch? I watched Carolina Duke. Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke up or I watched that shit and just sat there enjoying that rivalry. And whenever I watched Duke Carolina or any big like college football game, is anybody else like this? Like, don't you?

Did you ever just wish like, man, I wish I studied, you know, I wish I studied in high school and actually got into a good college so I could follow a fucking, you know, like the college I went to had no fucking sports programs. There's no way to follow. There's no way to follow. What do I do? You know what I mean?

If you fucking go to Ohio State, like any fucking mouth breathing jerk off in the state of Ohio, it's a fucking state school. You can get in there. University of Michigan, just to be fair with that rivalry, if you're, you could be living in a goddamn fucking cow patch on the upper peninsula of Michigan, you can go to the University of Michigan. All you got to do is adding know what you got to do fucking, you know, have like a fucking B minus average, maybe then come stumbling out of that campus,

campus with your fucking blue and maze poncho when you're in the game. That little bus city they got there, this fucking campus is so big. They got buses and shit. They got all these fucking schools where you don't even have to be that smart to get into like USC. There's another one. You just show up with a tan line. You get in at the school and then for the rest of your fucking life,

you get to, you get to kind of still be connected and root for the old team. You know, put on your raccoon fucking floor length coat. Ra, Ra, just move by, right? 23 skidoo, whatever the fuck they do, call a Statue of Liberty play. You get to fucking hang in there. Fuck it. What the hell was I thinking? Why didn't I study?

I never purposely didn't study or lie to my teachers. Now fucking kills me. Kills me that my adopted school is LSU, right? Like that's, that's one of those schools that like, you know, basically if you just have teeth, they're going to let you in if you're in fucking Louisiana. And you know, I know this is offending a lot of people, but the truth hurts. Those giant fucking schools, they have so many buildings. They have so much real estate, the fucking, the overhead they have just to keep that,

just to keep the grass mowed. Anything with a pulse that's from that state that's walking in, they're taking your money. They don't give a fuck. Go ahead. Go, go buy a goddamn fucking Go Tigers t-shirt. Go, go fucking do that. And then they, they, they give it to the out of state people. Like I actually would have been smart as an out of state student to get into LSU.

All right. But if, if I lived in Louisiana, all right, I was down there in the swamp, right? Down there in the marsh, you know what I mean? My fucking jeans all rolled up mid calf down there, trying to get some side wonders and some fucking crawfish, whatever they do down there. I mean, you don't have, you don't have time to fucking learn how to read. You know, a fucking state like Louisiana. I mean, come on, we are Alabama, University of Alabama.

I mean, in Auburn, Jesus Christ, they just have this invisible line. They just trying to get people to learn how to read, even at, even at the college level. If you just fucking somewhere, you know, they're just trying to get caught up. Just so they're still recognized as a state. Anybody in the northern part, you guys wear, you guys wear crimson, which is they think is so like, oh my God, a fancy name for the word red, right? They, they let them go to fucking Alabama and then any animals left down south, they send them to Auburn.

That's all it is. And then what they do is when out of state people show up, everybody fucking dresses up and they put on their saddle shoes and their fucking sweaters and then they jack up the prices. You know what I mean? Because someone like me, I came from a real state, Massachusetts. And you know, I'm used to schools like fucking Harvard and MIT. Like that's, like that's the high watermark of where I'm, where my head is at. Obviously, I'm going to think that you have to be smart to go to the University of Georgia.

I've never been there. I don't realize that most of the people don't have running water in these states. So if I was to show up there, I would just be, you know, I would have to pay through the nose. So that's why I never, uh, I didn't study when I was in high school because I was like, well, there's no way I'm getting into Harvard. There's no way I'm getting into MIT. And then the other school, you know, here in fucking Massachusetts is just basically, you know, let's get shitfaced for four years.

Essentially, right? I got to pick one of these schools. Oh, and I went to all of them. I went to like three different schools in Massachusetts before I finally finished up, right? But I never went out of state because I just assumed that, you know, you had to be smart to get into those schools. Had I known now that I've gone around, I've done stand-up

at most of those schools. And I saw the, the, the unbelievable, uh, the horror of what is the educational system in this country. I mean, I mean, I think I would have studied. I wonder why I would have gone. That's funny. If somebody's going to cut that up and they're going to put it on some fucking, uh, returning, uh, sophomore website or whatever the fuck, the incoming freshman thing, kind of get fucking sued for libel, maybe.

And I'll just say it's, it's a comedy podcast. It was just jokes. I wasn't knowingly lying about your school. By the way, speaking of that type of shit, getting in trouble for shit that you say, I got to tell you something right now. Watching Kurt Schilling going after everybody who trolled his fucking daughter is one of the greatest things I've ever seen on the internet. I am, I am so

like just loving every second of watching Kurt Schilling do that shit. That's the funniest shit ever. As far as I can tell, he's the first guy that ever flipped the light switch on and sent all the roaches running for the corners. All those tough talking fucking, I mean, you know, the people that just fucking fucking around or whatever and Schilling's going like, you know, I know all their names. I know where they live. I know where they work.

And how he's going to shut them down. And how these tweets are going to follow them for the rest of their lives. It's like, Kurt, you're not that important. It's not going to follow them for the rest of the life for their lives. Okay. It's very current, you know, and then it's going to be fucking over. I think it's going to be, but I actually think it's funny that every once in a while, you need that balance, you know,

just to keep trolls on their toes. I don't know. I think it's funny. He's fucking hell. I mean, God knows comedians get in trouble for everything every five seconds. Why can't trolls just fucking idiots? Hey, congratulations. They weren't even good jokes either.

Congratulations to my daughter. She's going to be pitching at this school. And that's the way I'm going to rape her. Huh tweet. Then he loses his job at like fucking Papa John's. He's sitting there crying in some empty pizza box. It was just a joke, man. I can't believe that guy with the fucking World Series rings is taking my job, man.

Some of the Yankees organization lost their fucking job. I think it's fucking, it's hilarious. You know, because they do it to entertainers all the fucking time. Anything we tweet all of a sudden is taken seriously. All of a sudden you can't go AFLAC or whatever the fuck people's jobs were. Obviously you lose that million dollar job. I'm good for you. Now you lose your fucking working at Starbucks job.

I don't know. I just think it's funny. I think it would be great. I think it would be great if every once in a while that happened to trolls. Oh guys, I apologize, man. Fuck. You know what happened? It was when I was really sick.

I was cranking the heat like an asshole. And not like an asshole. It's going through the fucking sweats and chills, sweats and chills. Right. It was like I was kicking heroin or something. And I was cranking the heat and then my throat got unbelievably dry and dry. I never knowingly had a dry throat. I'm sorry.

I messed up doing that. And I never attributed to the fact. I thought it was because I was sick and that I was actually, you know, it dried out the fucking air. And last night I finally took out the whole humidifier and it changed my goddamn world. And you know something? I never would have thought to do that if I didn't try to get my pilot's license because I wouldn't have learned about the weather and moisture in the air or anything.

Never would have understood it. It still would have been magic. Weather always blew my mind that people could understand what was going on. I'm like, it was like air is invisible. That's one of the most, that's one of, to me, that's one of the greatest accomplishments of human beings is being able to understand weather. Like how the fuck somebody sat there and rather just enjoying the breeze had to figure out why there was a breeze.

Figured out somehow that there was air more dense than other air. And that high pressure wants to go to low pressure. And when you feel a breeze, that's fucking air moving from one system to another. I would have fucking had time to figure that out. Or maybe you're standing in a fucking, I don't know, in an alley. And you're getting the fucking Venturi effect like in a cabaret. Right. Like who had the fucking tip those fucking eggheads.

You just got you got to give it to him. But I gotta tell you, we are despite how smart we were too smart for our own fucking good. I am convinced of that shit. I gotta tell you, that's why that that fucking fella there, you know, old pretzel man there, you know, with the computer voice really annoys the shit out of me. Because he's the stuff he's predicting is pretty basic, isn't it? He's basically predicting that we're going that we're going to be, you know, we're going to be we're going to hasten our own demise.

It's just like, gee, gee, wow, how'd you come up with that? Because of every fucking thing we've ever done, you jerk off. So fucking say everybody's so fucking blown away is because he's got a computer voice. You know what I mean? They didn't treat Roger Debert that way. All of a sudden he didn't know every fucking thing about movies. Did he? Why are we listening to this guy like he fucking knows everything?

You know what? Cause you feel bad for him. You know, maybe he was a cunt. He just don't know it now. Now he doesn't have the ability to do it. I bet he was a pompous ass. He's kind of like the original hater, isn't he? He's just fucking, he's kind of rather than doing it individually on Twitter.

He's fucking doing it to the whole world. I love how there's people like that. It's just like, you know something? Why don't you fucking wheel yourself into Vegas? Okay, and go make it just fucking win every goddamn game. If you're this good about the future and shit, why don't you go bet on some fucking football games? Why don't you sit down at a blackjack table? All right.

And just bust some casino out. Stop with your fucking, oh, in your future, title waves gonna shut up guy going around giving speeches. Unbelievable. Anyways, Jesus, that's a bad one. That was all Jesus. I was a bad, you know, I'm blaming that last one on cold medicine. All right, this is, this is the, this is the Monday morning podcast here. And I know it's a little late this morning, but like I said, I'm trying to finish up that helicopter

shit and I had a lesson this morning. All right, I had to cancel two last week because I had whooping cough and I had to go this morning. How did I fly? I actually flew pretty good. I flew over the LA River and when I looked down, I saw this guy in a segue. I swear to God, I think he fucking juiced it up. You know, having a cough really affects your timing. All right, you know what I need?

I need a large and Is that somebody knocking or is that the dog? Cleo, what are you doing? Oh my God, I'm going to have to hit fucking pause. Oh, and I can tell you guys this is sick as I am. Fuck. I, you know, one of the things when you're sick as a man, by the time you come out the other side, you have a beard, right?

There's somebody having a beard. It just makes you feel like you're homeless, right? So I had to shave this thing off. I'm going to try to talk through the cough and I'm fucking Christ. Oh, this is fucking unreal. So I go to shave this fucking thing off. I had to hit pause.

All right, I'm back. Jesus Christ, that got bad. I was going to cough up a fucking lung here. So I'm going to trim this fucking beard off and I'm trimming the whiskers around my mouth and my nose is stuffed up because I have a cold. So without realizing that my mouth was a little bit open, I was breathing through my mouth and I inhaled a fucking whisker and it's still in the back of my throat. It's fucking driving me nuts.

I'm eating like half a loaf of fucking bread. I can't get it out of this. So right now, when it switches around, I already had the sore throat. Then I got this fucking whisker back there. I'm in my own living hell here. Do you know last night I'm laying in bed? I'm stuck, sorry. All right, I'm back.

Jesus fucking Christ. This something happens when I'm fucking, my nose gets stuffed up. I stop breathing through my mouth. It dries out my throat and then that fucking whisker starts wagging its tail back there. I'm finished. So last night I'm laying in bed and that fucking whisker is driving me crazy. And I just opened my eyes and said, fuck this. Like you know that moment in no country for old men?

When what's his face decides he's going to go back and get that dude some agua? It was like that moment, right? And I went upstairs and I opened up this takeout food like utensils. And I took out the knife, right? And then I got some invisible tape or whatever the fuck you call it, you know, masking tape, you know, the fucking shit you do to wrap presents with whatever the fuck it's called. Tape and I fucking tape up the handle, right? And then I just take this fucking plastic knife with the tape on it and I just stick it down

my throat because my thing is the tape is going to stick to the hair and it's going to pull out. Well, what ended up happening was I stuck it down my throat and once the tape gets wet, it doesn't work. I didn't realize that. So I kept putting it down my throat. And as I'm putting it down my throat, just ignoring the gag reflexes, I'm going just doing that, right? Which is also causing my tongue to become concave, which is making it harder. I need it to fucking stand strong. So I was thinking that that's the reason why I couldn't get this fucking thing. And I finally just mentally was just like, I'm ignoring the gag reflex.

And I was able to fucking mind fuck the gag reflex for a split second. And but what the result was, I made a noise that sounded like somebody else made it. It didn't even sound like my own voice. And it actually made me laugh. And then I puked. And I got to tell you something. The fucking hair still back there. I can't get rid of it. So I guess I just got to eat like 90,000 fucking loaves of bread. If anybody has a solution, I looked it up on the internet. Nobody has a solution. Nobody out there. Nobody knows what the fuck you're supposed to do. All right. Hey, by the way, I'm going to read emails at the end of this,

if you'd like to send an email to this podcast, the podcast email is bill at the mmpodcast.com and the Twitter is at the mmpodcast. All right. All right. Okay. Here we go. Reactions to last week's email about keeping the name Isis. Bill, the overwhelming majority of people said that that that they should keep the name Isis reasons varied from don't let the terrorists win to it's a great song. So there you go. Follow up to the girlfriend's breath stinks. Oh, I remember a couple of weeks ago, this guy met the woman of his dreams and her breath is George Carlin would say could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon. Um, he had to figure out a nice way to say that. Um,

all right, Bill, I here's the follow up bill. I emailed a few weeks ago, but a few weeks back asking you what to do about my girlfriend's breath. Your advice as well as Nia's was taken to heart and put in action. Oh, Jesus. Here we go. At first I thought maybe giving her my iPod saying you have to listen to this and player the audio of you two talking about what I should do while I walked away, but I thought better of it. Oh, Jesus Christ, don't do that. You better hope she never fucking hears any of this. I never even thought of that. So fucking wound up in my own bullshit. Um, he goes anyways, I saw her, I sort of just sat her down told her I loved her very good. She was at that point was going like, all right, he's either gonna

break up with me or tell me that he's gay. Um, look, before we go anywhere, I just want to, you know, that I love you. You know, fuck here it comes. What do you got a third nipple? Um, so anyways, he says that he loves her and that I wanted her to go to the dentist because everyone should. I told her I'd pay for her first visit and then get her on my dental plan and when I start work, fortunately, she asks why does my breath stink or something sort of with a laugh like she was except expecting me to say no, but I kind of raised my eyebrows and shoulders and smirked a bit. Oh, oh, and she goes, wasn't this smooth smoothest way of doing it. And she was a little taken aback, but that was expected. She thanked me for offering to pay and told me

she'd start taking better care of herself. I don't think she can do much more though, because I did see her brush and floss all the time. Should have said that before clarifying clarifying some things. Anyways, hopefully the dentist finds out what's wrong and everything turns out all right. Thanks a bunch and thanks. Thank Nia for me too. All right, there you go. So, um, what was I going to say? That's a good deal. Yeah, she, I remember hearing a story of some, I forget where the hell I heard it, but it turned out to be a sinus infection. And there's just something about like when your breath just stinks like you just can't smell it, which makes no fucking sense. And every comic in the world is done a joke that makes no sense

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don't pay triple the price when you can get a fantastic shave delivered just for a couple of dollars, but just a couple of dollars. Come on, Bill, read this shit. You have to be an idiot to keep overpaying. I don't know why you would do it. Maybe you saw your parents in an abusive relationship and the person who should have left never did. So it's manifesting that and you're still going down to CVS paying 30 bucks for five of them. We need to get 10 times that for less money with this shit delivered right to your door. Do I even have to read the rest of this copy? It's such a no brainer and a massive celebrity. I'm a massive celebrity. Sorry. And I'm constantly getting my picture taken by the paparazzi. Oh, Jesus Christ. Who was this copy for?

Or some TV show? I can't be seen with Nixon cut all over my face. Dude, I'm a balding redhead. It doesn't make a fucking difference. Don't be fooled by the price. These razors are legit and you will never go back. Plus they got Dr. Cobb. He's easy shave butter. It's phenomenal. If you're still using old fashioned shave foam, you're a loser. And I feel bad for you. Try dollarshaveclub.com slash burr today to get started. But you'll wish you started sooner. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. God knows you don't hear it unless I say it three times dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. All right, let's get back to this shit here. Oh, by the way, I bought a DVD the other day because I'm old. All right. I'm getting SoundCloud taken off my computer because I'm bold. Oh,

shit. Am I rapping? I actually I'm getting it taken off. Fucking assholes. I go to go into my fucking phone to play a song that I always play and all of a sudden it's not available anymore. There's a little cloud next to it now. Oh, is that what you put it? Oh, thank you. Thank you for solving my fucking full phone problem without even consulting me first. You fucking weirdo. I love like they act like they're doing me a favor. Then I had to download something else to be able to do it and it was actually going to cost me more money for this song that I already owned. Why don't you just say my phone's your phone's full? Go move some of this shit to an external hard drive and then come back. You can download

more shit. Why don't you just do that? Stop acting like you're doing me a favor by oh, hey, I'll hold on to some of your shit. I don't know. I'm sure some fucking nerd will tell me that I'm being paranoid, but I don't think I am. Anyways, I bought JoJo Mayer's new, what's not new, came out last year. His follow-up to Secrets of the Modern Drummer or whatever the fuck it's called. He did one a couple years ago. That was about all these different molar techniques and all that type of shit. Molder Method and all that different grips and all that shit because he can play at blinding speeds and never get tired, right? Because he's using it all efficiently. It's all physics and that shit. So this guy, JoJo Mayer has the fastest bass drum

foot I have ever heard in my life and I know that's saying a lot. For a single bass drum player, this guy can do three, four in a row like I never heard anything like it, blew people away and it's basically the same kind of like that push-pull method that you do with your hand. He does it with his foot and just had the discipline to sit there and do it. And I saw Steve Gad do something like that first on his up-close video like 30 years ago and JoJo has just taken it to a whole other level. So now he has a DVD where he breaks it down and basically now that that knowledge is out there and then he showed everybody how to do it, I can't imagine what this next generation of drummers is going to be. Just from day one, from the day one when you sit down to learn drums,

like that information is already on video for you to watch. This is why some of these kids I see, every time I think I'm getting better at drums, there'll be some eight-year-old kid, not even on YouTube because there's already prodigies, there's always been kids like that, but I'll just go down to Guitar Center or whatever and there's always some kid in there. After I play it, I think I sounded all right. If any other drummer was listening, like some kid will just sit down. I'm like, ah, you motherfucker. There's always somebody better. So anyways, that's going to be my new obsession. I mean, if you could do half the shit that this guy did, you know, just being able to play along to so many of those songs just growing up there,

it was like, oh my God, how's that guy's foot so fast? It will be a joke. Like the fact that this guy, rather than just figuring out this shit himself and just hoarding it to himself and not letting anybody film him, the fact that he just shares it with everybody is so fucking cool. And it's like this total, like, it's a 3DVD thing. I mean, the first one was like an hour and a half long. I don't even know how long the other ones are. One of them is just the entire history of the bass drum itself. I mean, this guy is obsessed in a great way about the whole thing, so I highly recommend it. Like I said, I was laid up for fucking three, four days and that's all I did was just sit there and watch this thing on women in prison. And you're thinking like, all right, man, this

can't be worse than guys. But, you know, oh my God, just, you know, they just showed the blood after a fight that was on the floor between two and they didn't even have any weapons. I mean, it looked like somebody fucking got it a pig. Fuck it. I would never, the only way I could ever survive in prison was the second I got there would be to attack a guard and then survive the beatdown. And every time they went to take me out of the hole, I would just attack them again and then they finally just decide that this person cannot be around anybody else. And then I would slowly go crazy. They'd let me out once a day. My vision would end up being fucked up. You know, your eyes actually, if they keep you in a cell long enough,

that actually fucks with your vision. You lose your farsighted ability because you don't use it anymore because you're fucking looking, you know, you can't see beyond eight feet. Isn't that fucked? I saw something about that one time. I can't remember where or to maybe somebody tell me that and they had no scientific background. I have no idea, but I'm presenting it as fact. What else? Jesus, I'm tapering off here. Oh, and I saw a commercial for the new fucking Cadillac, four door fucking sedan that's going to go 200 miles an hour. How fucking great is that? I swear to God, I swear to God, I think we're handling global warming perfectly. Just stay the fucking course. And when it all just, you know, whatever when the water

rises up like it is in Miami, you know, when that happens over the last bit of Greenland, you know, we had a good time. We had a good fucking time. We had a nice run. You know, why not 200 mile an hour sedan phenomenal. All right, let me read a couple more of these things. I apologize for the weird breathing, the sound of my fucking cough drop, but I have my plane hurt this week. All right, give me a break. Just be lucky. You can't smell the Vicks vapor rub. All right, girlfriend flirting. Girlfriend flirting. Hello, red billy boy. I have a question for the podcast. I met a great girl six months ago, six months ago. She's a real lady. And she prides herself on being honest and loyal. That's a red flag.

Anybody who says I pride myself on being honest and loyal, I just feel like they're already fucking that's like Roger Clemens when he used to always do the workout videos. You know, for the local TV, look how hard he works out and find out he's fucking, you know, doing roids or whatever the fuck you get busted for. Here's another one I noticed. I watched a lot of reality TV with my wife and she watches the fucking The Apprentice Donald Trump. This is what I learned. Anybody who uses that expression, lead follow will get out of the way. Right? There they're always a fucking moron. And they're always, it's they're basically saying like, fucking, I want you to do everything my way. That's such a moron expression, lead follow or get out of the way.

I don't know who came up with that, but it was instantly on t shirts. And I never saw anybody remotely intelligent with the t shirt that said lead follow or get out of the way. It's just that classically, I know how to do shit. Lead follow get out of the way. Fucking iron Zaring was saying that this is how pathetic my life was. I was watching iron Zaring on was my dog, by the way, iron Zaring on fucking The Apprentice and he had to come in. His team had to come up with a jingle for some sort of new fucking Budweiser that they wanted to promote down in the Caribbean. So he decides he's going to come up with a jingle. It's between him and Johnny Damon. So you know, the song's going to

be good, right? And he comes up with like, you know, drink fucking Budweiser. It's like kukaracha and they're looking at him. And he like, he's like, I got to get away from you guys because you're singing other stuff. I need to go over here and create and he comes back with new lyrics for like kukaracha, right? He fucking he fucking vanilla iced it. And then they're like, dude, that's the kukaracha. We can't use that. And he got all fucking pissy. So we got to use something else or whatever. And he just kept saying lead follow or get it or get out of the way. So the project manager finally looks at him. She goes, I am leading. And he goes, well, you got to delegate. She goes, I am delegating. I

need you to shut the fuck up. That was great. And he got all mad. He got mad. And then what time for them to present it to Donald Trump? He half-assed it. He didn't sing along. He was a big fucking baby. How can you be 50 years old to be that big of a fucking baby? It just was unreal. You're going to pout. Who fuck pouts at 50? Now you can get my way. What did they take? You fucking pale and shovel gives a fuck with somebody else write the song. And if it sucks, they're going to get fired. Put your heart and soul into it. And he didn't. He acted like a cunt. And you know what? He got himself fucking booted right back to Beverly Hills. That poor bastard. You know what? If he was 10 years younger, he would have got the good hair

plucks. You know, he would have. If he got those late 90 ones, I'll tell you those little rough one, you know, what am I doing here? I met a girl six months ago. All right. Here we go. Lead follow or get out of the way. Right. All right. Now a few weeks ago, she said that she doesn't even flirt, which seems seemed very odd. Yeah, yeah, she's already like she's, let me just recap this. She's a real lady and she prides herself on being honest and loyal. A few weeks ago, she said she doesn't even flirt, which seemed very odd. A few days later, I heard her giggling and being very flirty with this guy she studies with. I confronted her about this and she said, this is how she always talks to him and I'm overreacting. I let it go since I always sometimes

flirt with other girls when she's not around this week. She's going on vacation with her colleagues. This guy is also going. Oh, the same guy. Oh, Jesus. I brought up the vacation subject and mentioned that in trips that I have been as a single guy. There was a lot of sex and partying. She says that they don't do that and tries to change the subject. Let me guess. Is she going to hedonism down on the island there? Whatever the fuck that goes down? She says, I don't think that she is cheating by feel that she is hiding something. She also doesn't seem very attracted to me lately. Even though she says so. What's your take on this one? What do you think about flirting? Thanks and go fuck yourself. I think you're with a lying sack of shit.

Who's a sociopath and they're saying all the right fucking things. And it's also somebody that hasn't found who they want to be with and they're afraid to be alone. So they just get with people. And when the initial attraction wears off, they rather than break up, they just keep fucking lying. And I never knowingly intentionally lied. I think you have to listen to your gut here. I think she's I think this is the tip of the iceberg. This is only six months in. She's going on a fucking vacation with other colleagues. Dude, six months into this chick was into you. She'd want to go on vacation with you. She wants to go on vacation with this fucking creep she caught her flirting with after she said

she doesn't flirt when you didn't even give her shit about flirting. She went out of her way to say she doesn't flirt. Give me a fucking break. Hey, I'm a really honest and loyal person. Oh, by the way, I don't do heroin. What? Why did you just bring that up? Oh, you know, I'm just just putting it out there. I don't believe in it. See, you know, all the spoons are bent. That's just my gut. The way you presented it to by the way, you might have left some stuff out but the way you presented it, I think she's I think she's a fucking liar. All right, P.S. Thank you for sharing your honest insight. You funny bastard. I love the advice on life and women. I also don't trust banks. Oh, that's nice. All right. Well, I don't trust your

girlfriend. How about that? What do you say? We say that, huh? What do you say there? You know, it's funny about that. And if she actually did cheat, and you confronted her about it on one of these fucking TV shows that they would actually still, they would still somehow blame the guy. You know what I mean? I love that shit like how they actually there's there's an article somewhere on the internet. I saw it. You know, those things that they try to just get you to click on it. And it always works for me. You know, the top 10 bad celebrity nose jobs, the top 10 fucking gangster movies of all time, blah, blah, blah, blah. They had the top 10 reasons women cheat, right? So I looked it up in eight of the

reasons were the guy's fault. It's the funniest fucking shit ever. Oh, another movie I saw a little bit of remember that movie monster with Charlize Theron. That that movie is one of the most sexist fucking movies of all fucking time, but it'll never be called on it because it's it's going in the other direction. The fact that that is a movie about a serial killer is it's like when you look at movies about serial killers like the Jeffrey Dahmer one, the Henry portrait of a serial killer, they are they are fucking they are monsters, right? This fucking movie, despite the fact it was called monster, it was a goddamn love story. And they justified so much of her killing to the point when she finally gets busted.

It's this big emotional moment of when her lover is is going to betray her and rat her out on the stands. And it's her, you know, Charlize, his character is sitting there crying. She's saying what their eyes like, it's okay, baby, I understand. Do you know how fucking infuriated I would be if I was a relative, one of the actual victims of that absolute fucking lunatic serial killer. They almost made her a fucking hero. I mean, I was waiting for this Sally Field moment when she just stands up and holds Union now is, you know, for other fucking female serial killers. It was ridiculous. I don't know. I don't I don't have any. I don't know. I'm getting very extra jaded as I get older and I I'm giving a fuck less

about people's complaints, because I'm finding they never complain for other people. They're always bitching for themselves, right? Like take the Oscars women got up there, right? And they complain that they don't get paid enough and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Now, why are they complaining? Are they complaining because it's unfair? Or are they complaining because it's unfair and it's happening to them? You know what I mean? Which is the reason why guys are complaining about it because they don't give a fuck about it because it's not happening to them. But that doesn't make women better people because women don't give a fuck about the shit that's happening to guys. Have you ever seen a woman out there that gives a fuck that there's

yet another fucking man standing in a bay window looking out seeing a FedEx or a UPS truck pulling up as he's just sitting there having a mini heart attack thinking in his head Jesus Christ, what the fuck did she buy now? She's spending all my fucking money. What the fuck could she have possibly bought now? She's spending it faster than I can make it. You know, what about that financial dynamic? Do they ever bring that up? Have you ever seen a woman stick up for a guy in that fucking situation? Why would they? They don't have time. They have their own fucking problems. So that's how I view it. Oh, is that what's happening to you? That sucks for you. I don't really feel that, but it's just fun to annoy people sometimes. All right, let's plow ahead

here. I do, I mean, look, obviously I feel like people should make the same amount, you know, if you do the same fucking job. All right, but you know, when you're also completely fucking that same group of people over that you bitching about in a hundred other fucking areas of life and you choose to overlook at it, overlook it, you know what I mean? Maybe guys make more money so we can afford to fucking get a one bedroom apartment after you keep the fucking house during the divorce. Maybe you ever think maybe that's why we make more per movie? I don't know, just for anyways, in general, just watching people complaining about being in movies is something fucking hilarious to me. There's just something about I'll be ever since I went to India, it's

just over when I listen to myself complain. There's always in the back of my head. I just think of some of the shit that I saw there and it all just becomes funny to me, not in a disrespectful way to India, but like laughing at myself that what my complaints are, you know, when I pretend to be a cowboy, I don't make as much as you do. What size is your mansion? Fat shaming help. Hey, there, Billy back on the wagon. I am back on the wagon. I mean, I had a couple of fuck I had a glass of wine last night, but I have not been boozing. This is not what a good boy I've been Paul Verzi. The great Paul Verzi was at my house and I watched him smoke a Cuban cigar and I did not smoke one with him. And by the way, he saw the rebuild downstairs and he gave it rave reviews, rave reviews.

I'll tell you right now, I will fucking put my downstairs bathroom. I will put this bathroom up against any fucking bathroom in a five mile radius. That's saying something in LA. There's a lot of fucking super talented people out here that they have they got bathroom money. All right, I am at dancing monkey level. All right. So I took my dancing monkey money and I put it into a fucking I'll tell you right now. There's not a day. There's not a fucking day. It's the greatest fucking thing ever. Everybody thinks you put a bathroom in for the broads. They don't fucking get you put a steam shower in. It's fucking over. It's unreal. It's unreal. The only thing missing from it is in that steam is just a fucking, a fucking gorgeous masseuse walks through it,

you know, it finishes you off with a handy. Wouldn't that be fucking phenomenal? Can you imagine how much more forgiving the business world would be if every man's day started that way? Oh, just don't understand, you know, but the church church is against it. Can't have that happen. Can you imagine that? You know, then you spray a little eucalyptus in the air afterwards. It's just who's fighting on the subway? Nobody. And if elected, every man gets a steam shower and a handy to start the business day. All right, fat shaming. Hey there, Billy back on the wagon. Love the podcast and also want to form with you and Joey roses. I was supposed to hang out with roses the other night. I was too

sick, man. I fucking love that son of a bitch. I'm 61 and used to weigh 370 pounds. And now I'm down to 219 pounds. You goddamn right you are good for you. Dude, that's fucking insane. That is 151 pounds. My math is correct. That is my math is correct. Wow, man. If that that thing that I overheard in a bar that says if you're fucking every pound of fat is five miles of capillaries, that's like 605 miles you just took off of a road that you're fucking hard as the pump. Every time it goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's fucking phenomenal. I said took me a little more than a year to lose that much. And you were a big help with that. Your podcast makes working out fun. After all, what could be more fun than old Billy boys screaming

about nerds or the government? More than that, your fat shaming always makes me work a little bit harder. And I had never noticed the way I'd get derailed by sugar and salt combo that you frequently talk about. For a functionally illiterate, angry head case, you drop quite a bit of knowledge, my friend. I'm telling you, wait, look, I do the same thing everybody else does. I fucking yo yo up and down, but I keep it within a 20 mile 20 mile a 20 pound thing. Like I went back up to a buck 84s down to 168. That's my wheelhouse 168 172. I went all the way back up to like fucking a buck 84. And I'm disgusted with myself and I'm back down to what is it like 178 179. So I dropped five pounds. And this is what I do. I just,

I just immediately I, I, I actually will go to the gym because there if I just get on a fucking elliptical, all right, for 45 minutes and then do the five minute cooldown, I just start doing that every fucking day and it fucking sucks for the first three days. The first three days and that first fucking night, when you stop eating around five or six, and you just had a protein with a salad and then you just crushing waters for the rest of your night. Okay, but you got that sugar and salt, you're fucking addicted to it because you've been eating it. It's gonna get some ice cream, get a burger, order a pizza, go make yourself some eggs. You just have to fight through that. So like, I'm on it right now. So what I do is I have, I have celery and turkey slices.

And even then a lot of those that turkey slices will have a lot of salt in it. So I kind of limit that. But I just, I'll put a little peanut butter on a fucking that's a piece of celery, just shove those things down. I mean, fucking eating celery is like eating air. And all you got to do is just make it through the first night and the next night is way easier as far as the food thing goes. But cardio sucks for three days for me. And then after that, then I'm fucking addicted to it, which is how I got sick because I knew I was feeling run down and I still went and did another fucking 50 minutes, walked out of the gym, the wind was blowing. I don't got a lot of fucking shingles on the roof anymore. And next thing, you know,

I got a bowl. But anyways, that is a big thing is not only acknowledging your sugar, salt, addiction, but understanding how it affects you. Cause I would think just like everybody, it affects everybody differently, but like knowing like, like the other day I was just so, I was, I was trying to eat well as long as I could through trying to beat this cold. And then finally I just had enough. I just was like, fuck this man, I just want a pizza. And I ordered a pizza and I remember thinking, all right, I'm eating this at night. This is all salt. It's going to send my salt through the fucking roof. And then tomorrow morning, I'm either going to want more salt with a big fucking eggs and sausages and that shit,

or I'm going to go the other direction. And for some reason like, I don't know why I just feel like I want to waffle. Yeah. Cause I ate a whole fucking pizza the night before. And it's literally, it's like people who fucking drink booze cause they did too much coke and you're trying to even yourself off. And what you really need to do is just wake up knowing that you're going to be craving those things and you plow through it and you just make the oatmeal instead and you shovel that shit down. And within three spoonfuls, your body will start to fucking level out and you'll re remember that, oh, food is supposed to energize me, not drag me down to the fucking mat. And if you can remember that for me anyways, that's how I was able to keep, I'd like,

I've gone down to a buck 68, like probably four times since I moved out to LA. And this time, I'd stayed within 168 a buck 72 for almost a year, year and a half. And I used to, when I would get down, it'd take me like six months to get down to that level. And then the second I got down to that level, I would reward myself with the fucking cheeseburger. And I would like, Hey, I've been sober six months. Let me go shoot up some heroin to fucking celebrate. You do I'm doing the exact same thing. And then you just fucking you're right back, you know, chasing the dragon man. And then I would just, I mean, Jesus Christ, you could put it back on, you know, six months, take it off, put it back on in six weeks. And I would, I would fight it, but it would take me like, you know,

two and a half months. I'd be right back to a buck eight, like the most depressing fucking number, that second number is when I see that eight, I just, I just refused to be above a buck 80 with my build and everything. So I'm at least back down to, you know, 179 178 or something. I'm gonna start working out again tomorrow, go right back on the fucking elliptical. And I'm going to try to have the discipline this time to actually get a truly like try to get my six pack back one last fucking time before I slide into 50. And just the level of discipline and the understanding of nutrition that I'm going to have to have. I really want to fucking do it. And I told you, I'm going to do this bit. I'm so sick of fucking

people who book movies and then they get upset that fucking Hollywood tells them to work out it's, it's fucking ridiculous. It's like you're going to be in a fucking movie. And then the people are going to put a millions of dollars into this thing. They're trying to not lose money. They're trying to get their money back. You know, I'm not giving anybody, I know it's hard to lose weight and for other people, it's harder. But if you to fucking complain that somebody wants you to look good in a movie or to look your best, it once again, it's fucking ridiculous. So those people that are, you know, fucking Brad Pitt's in his fifties, the guy still has, you know, abs, like the level of dedication that is and fuck you, he's got his own personal

chef. I don't give a fight a personal chef and be like, make me some waffles, man. I mean, I would. What's he going to say? No. Telling you, it's a fucking discipline and I don't have it. I have the discipline to get to within about eight pounds of it. And then I just, I give into like the, uh, hey, man, I'm like, I'm a buck 68. I'm like 17 pounds away from where the fuck I just was. You can have a burger. I'm going to have a fucking bud tall with this bird. I do. I go off the rails. It's the worst. So this time I'm going to try and, uh, I'm going to try to see this one through, which is why I'm saying this out loud. So because I figure you guys will be checking in

in a month or so to see how I'm doing and give me shit if I don't or heckle me on the road. It is fatty freckles, whatever the hell you're going to say. So anyways, let's get back to this guy. Uh, anyways, I still need to lose another 20 pounds or so, but I'm less worried about that than I am with gaining it all back. This is where I need some more help from old freckles there. Oh, you know what? I think I just brought it up here. I was hoping you could give me some fat shaming on the podcast that I could use for inspiration. If I start to gain some of the weight back, basically, if you could just give me some version of self-talk in the mirror, when you start to gain weight, that would be amazing. Uh, as always, go fuck yourself. Hey,

this is what you do. Like, you know how much work it took you? You know what I would do? I would write down, I would write down the amount of months I would write the amount of days, the amount of hours and write down to the minutes that you had to work to get down and then just write just something to motivate yourself. You know, are you going to give it, are you going to give it all back? You stupid cunt. You know, don't give it back. Don't. And you know, when it happens, you're going to put that on your wall or on your bathroom mirror. And this is what's going to happen. All right. That's going to motivate you for about six days. And then what's going to happen is it's just, it's going to be a part of you brushing your teeth

and it's not going to hold the same meeting. So what you have to do is you have to constantly be updating that. All right. And you basically, you got to get yourself into the fucking mindset like you're not, you're not giving it back. All right. So this is what I would do. Okay. There's going to be holidays. There's going to be birthdays. There's going to be, you know, the night out or whatever. Okay. But this is what you got to do. I if I would weigh myself every morning. So, you know, you don't fucking not weigh yourself, you know, for months on end, because that's all of a sudden how you get 40 pounds, 40 pounds behind the fucking eight ball, right? You weigh yourself every day. And if you went out and you know, you ate bad or whatever,

you decided to treat yourself, all right, you're going to be a couple of pounds over. Okay. Then you got to have discipline. Like I got to get back down to where the fuck I was. And then you have to have a number that is, it's just unacceptable. Like with me, it's a buck 80 unacceptable. When I see that eight, it's fucking over. I don't give a shit if it's Thanksgiving tomorrow, or who's getting doing fucking eating Thanksgiving, but like it's, it's done. What did you say your weight was here? You were three seven. So now you're down to two 19. All right. So I would just say when that second number is three, that's it. That's it. Shut it down. Shut it down. And I'm telling you, you give yourself that small of a fucking window,

you got that small of a fucking journey back. And what happens is, as you know, I have friends who have weight issues, what happens is, is when they start putting it back on that self-loathing, I fucking hate myself. I fucking hate myself. And they, you know, they just haven't learned that skill yet to just fucking grab that demon by the throat and fucking choke, slam it and just, just turn it back around before you go a hundred miles in the wrong direction. And now you got to go a hundred back. That's a 200 mile trip. You could get 10 miles down the fucking road, turn it right back to 20 miles. No big deal. All right. So you just really have to be like, listen, like for me to sit there and act like I'm going to be two 19 for the rest of my

fucking life and never go up a little bit or maybe go down a little bit is fucking nuts. If me to act like I'm never going to fucking have a piece of pie or, you know, some comfort food is ridiculous, but you just have to have like those be special things that you do. And you have to learn how to live at that weight. And I would actually, now that you're down at two 19, whatever you did, I would also be always looking for some new way to work out, you know, a fucking boxing gym, a hike, bike riding, swimming, anything you can do because the same way that note on your, on your fucking bathroom mirror just becomes part of your day and you, you, you, you just get bored.

If you get bored with your workout, that gets dangerous because, you know, you never get bored eating. You just, there's always, you know, you know, it's funny. You always go, Oh Jesus, what, what kind of tootsie rolls are these? Let me try these. You're always doing that. You got to do the same thing with like your fucking your workouts there. I'm done fucking preaching. All right. The podcast is getting ridiculously long. Dude, that, that actually what you just did is inspire me to go to the fucking gym tomorrow, man. Good for you, dude. That's, that's an, I've never had to try to lose weight for over, for over a year. That's unbelievable. So dude, you work that fucking hard, man. You can't do that. You can't

give that back. You just can't, you can't, and you have to keep reminding yourself in a new way. All right. Make yourself proud. Don't fuck yourself over. All right. Sleazy douche. I billed this guy's from Scott Leonard. He's a fucking pirate. Long time listener. Love your shit. Saw you both times in Sydney. Please help. All right. Maybe he's a Scott from Sydney. I don't know. Maybe he's like Bond Scott, right? Oh fuck. All right. This is fucking cunt. He grew up with my girlfriend. I love Australia. What a way to start a fucking thing. This is fucking cunt. He grew up with my girlfriend as the lovable, sleazy guy that

everyone tolerates. Oh, I gotta hate that dude. That's just, that's just insert. That's just so and so that's how he is. They say so recently he commented on a photo of my girlfriend leaning forward and unintentionally showing some cleavage on Facebook. And I can't stop thinking about wanting to slap him. All he wrote was Jesus. But what kind of cocksucker think it's okay to comment on someone's ladies and someone else's lady in a public forum? Any idea on how I can satisfy my desire to write this situation without making it too uncomfortable for my girl? Thanks and go fuck yourself. All right. Well, first things first, I think your assessment of this person, everybody knows this person. Secondly, I don't know how you know how your girlfriend accidentally

leans forward and unintentionally shows too much cleavage. This wasn't a video somebody else took that was shot live. This is a photo. I'm guessing she uploaded it. So she was all right with it. How do you accidentally oops? Is that my ball bag? Now I have to upload it. You know what I mean? I don't understand why this person is in her life or in anybody's life. There's a bunch of different ways you can go with this. You can go, I don't know. What do you do? I mean, I want you to say something to the guy, but I don't think it's going to work though. I mean, if this is a movie, you walk up and you slap him in the face, right? And then your girlfriend appreciates you and then

reciprocates physically. But we know that's not how the world works, don't we? So, and we also know you can't blame your girlfriend. So what do you do? Jesus Christ, this is a fucking quagmire. I thought this was going to be easy. This is goddamn quicksand here. Seriously commented on the photo. You know, he's a fucking jerk off. Why waste your fucking time? This is what you do. You know what? This is what you do. You just put that in the old memory bank, right? The next time you're out there playing Aussie rule footballs, and he's on the other fucking team, right? And I say footballs, Aussie rules, Aussie rules, right? Maybe that was a Freudian slip about fucking kicking a right in the balls. You take them out. That's what you do.

Well, you just wait. You pick your fucking, this might be one of those one where you lay back, right? You pick your fucking spot. And, you know, when the time is fucking right, you make your point. You look them right in the eye and you fucking you make your point. Who knows if he pushes you, you get to slap on me. You don't look like an asshole. Right? Was that all right? I don't know. For some reason, that guy really fucking annoyed me. I might have given you bad advice because I kind of got a, let me emotions get the best of me there. All right, let me read another couple of fucking ads here and then we can wrap this thing up. Yeah, that's what I would do. I would bank that one. I would bank that one.

Worst case scenario, I would ask your girlfriend like, why is this jerk off in your social circle? And just hear her out and be like, all right. Why? Why? What's wrong? Because I think he's not a good person. I think he's a dirtbag. Like, why do you say that? Well, because he's commenting about your boobs. Oh, well, that was just bull. And just be like, all right. Let me just leave it at that. He said you think to her and then whatever. Ah, then that sucks. Then if you fucking slap him in a bar, you establish motive with her from the conversation that you know, she's not going to forget. That's a tough one. You might

have to go fucking psycho on this one. You might have to just, it's never good when you keep it to yourself. Fucking keep it to yourself. Just don't fucking do physical harm to him. But a nice bitch slap, a nicely timed bitch slap. That could be a good thing. Like next time he says something, dude, that would be hilarious. The next time he's out and everybody's sitting around all coupled up and he's just the fucking jerk off, right? And he makes some sort of rude comment. Slap him across the face, not hard. Where you'd like actually do physical damage. Just slap him in the face like you would a kid. And then you point right in his face and just be like, hey,

bag yourself like whatever a parent would say to like an eight year old and just leave it at that. And even if everybody thinks you're a psycho at the end of the day, you still did it. And you know what? Even if he is a cunt, he's going to watch his fucking mouth around you. That's more fucking belittling than getting punched in the face. If someone just fucking just, you know, what if you just grabbed him? You know, your mother used to grab you on either side of your cheeks and she'd fucking, you know, she'd gradually, I can't, I don't know how to explain it. She just pinched in both of your cheeks and then you're fucking fish, puck it up. You fish your lips, puck it up like fish lips. He's fucking grabbed you and she'd wag her finger

right in your face. Just give him one of those. It's not a real parental and humiliating. Oh, Cleo, get up on the bed. What's up, buddy? Huh? It's fucking dog. I really hung out with you for the last four days and I realized that you sleep 12 hours a night in four hours during the day. You get up to, to go to the bathroom or eat or to come up on the bed and be pet. And that's it. You know what? You got no goals. It's fucking perfect. But all right, legal zoom everybody. If you're thinking about starting a business, I'm getting fucking clogged up here on my nose. If you're thinking about starting a business, now's the best time to do it. Guess what,

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Sweet of God. Oh, she does just moans. All right, stamps.com everybody. You know that feeling you get when when when you get things done with just the click of a mouse. No, I don't I suck with technology. I dream of that day. It can't get any more convenient than that. Well, and now you can have that exact same feeling right in your desk, everybody when you're mailing and shipping gets done without having to go to the post office. Thanks to who stamps.com. They are the hero of this copy, everybody. Stamps.com turns your PC or Mac into your own personal post office that never closes. Talk about convenient. Why I ought to buy in print official US postage for any letter or package using your computer or printer, then just hand the mail to your mailman

or mail lady or drop it in a mailbox. You dumb fuck. Do we got to do everything for you? And you'll never have to go to the post office again. I use stamps.com to send out all my posters for my big time tours like the Billy Bible Belt tour coming down to the south. I'm going to have a nice fucking poster that's going to be me fucking preaching at the pulpit fire and brimstone that I'm sending those things out via stamps.com right now. Use my last name for this special no risk offer, no risk trial plus $110 bonus offer, which includes a digital scale, calculates exact postage for letters and packages and up to $55 free postage. Do not wait. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of

the homepage and type in burr that stamps.com enter burr. So yes, we have no bananas. That's the name of the tour. The Billy Bible Belt tour. We had the Billy Red State tour keeps staying with the Billy name Billy Bible Belt. I thought about Billy Bob Bible belt some of something south and no Billy Bible belts old freckled fury is coming through the south. I thought about Berman's March, you know, no, I can't do that because that's going to I can't rub it into their faces that not only did we win the civil war, but we committed war crimes. You know, was that a war crime? Well, we won, right? Well, that's it. I did a night of too many stars. So look for that. I did a little bit of stand up on that and Martha Stewart just stared

at me the entire time, which was was unsettling. You know, when you see somebody famous in the crowd, you want to at least acknowledge that you're there and maybe laugh because you think that they know something when they have a fucking empire. She wasn't feeling it. All right, John Stewart hosts was the greatest fucking guy ever in this business. So in tribute of him and all his great work that he did on the Daily Show, this is your moment of Zen. This is my dog getting a back rub. All right. Thanks for listening, fuckers. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.