Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-1-13

Episode Date: April 1, 2013

Bill rambles about North Korea, Christina Aguilera, and Smell-O-Vision.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, April 1, 2013. That's right, everybody. It's April Fool's Day. Holy shit. Is this podcast going to be wacky? Is he going to pull a prank? Is he pranking us right now? Is that his voice? I would tell you guys how much I fucking hate this day. You know what I mean? Back when I was in the matrix and I actually had a day job and I was a productive member of society. You know? And I actually used to sit there and I'd go to fucking work every goddamn day and every once in a while at the end of the day, they'd say some shit like, you know, we'd appreciate it. It's not mandatory, but we would appreciate it if you guys could hang around for a couple minutes after five

today. We'd like to talk about some of our productivity goals in the upcoming quarter. And I would actually hang out going, I got to do this. I got to, I got to, I got to put on a, I got to put on a, you know, I got to be a team player here and I would sit there and listen to these fucking suits, you know, talking about, you know, unloading trucks or whatever the fuck they were talking about. And oh, that is interesting. Oh, that's great. Oh, are we going to upgrade to the electronic fucking pallet jacks, pallet jacks? I haven't said pallet jacks in like fucking 25 years. We were all excited. Wow. They really give a shit about us. Now they don't. They're just worried they're going to get sued because the fucking coke had just blew out his goddamn back, you know? And then

they're like, well, what if everybody blows out their backs? How do we avoid that? What is going to be cheaper? Paying their workman's comp or actually getting them the proper equipment? So anyways, the stupid fucking April fools jokes, right? I say those fucking goddamn. You know, I hated about it was half the people who would get you, they weren't funny. And they, they, they're, this is their idea, you know, be like, they'd be like, hey, do you know where the pens are? Yeah, they're in, they're right in that drawer. And then you open they're like, April fool. And they're not natural. They're actually in this one over here. I just got them. I got them within April Fool. You know, and you wonder why offices get shot up. You know, that's what it is. It's not

because of sociopaths. It's not because of relaxed gun control laws. It's not because of any of that shit. It's because of some stupid April fools joke that someone won't let go and they're talking shit about it. Still in June, you know, and then somebody just finally snaps and they come in there and they mow down a bunch of people and it's considered a tragedy. And it is unless you're into the environment. And you look at it a different way and you're like, well, you know, as tragic as everything that just happened is there's going to be a whole lot, a whole lot less people dropping deuces in that building that will end up in the water supply. Do you know I went to the grocery store the other day people? Oh yeah. I'm not a vampire. I need food. And I fucking walk. I'm

walking in there and there's some fucking Greenpeace guy with a clipboard. And he's singing like R&B shit. And I didn't want to hit him. I just had to get away from him. Like it was literally affecting how I was walking. He was just singing. I don't know what like he was trying to audition and save the environment all at the same fucking time. He was singing some song and at one point he went like whoa, doing that fucking that R&B. You know, let me hold this note like I'm getting tickled. I'm sorry, folks. I did a benefit in a fucking mind this weekend and I'm a little fucking I'm a little I feel like fucking shit people. I caught one of these one of these supercults. Did you guys have it? Did you get a chance to listen to me last week on the Joe Rogan experience? I

might have mentioned that I was starting to get sick. That was the day when I did Joe Rogan's podcast and I forgot that the guy does an 18 hour podcast. You know, I'm thinking like, alright, I'll go over there. I'll be done in about 90 minutes. I'll come back here get myself a little bit of Roba Tussin chase it with a little bit of nightquill, do a line of blow, you know, fucking stare down the cold wide awake and then that'll be it. And no, that's not what happened. I did a three and a half hour podcast with Rogan. What's amazing about doing Rogan's podcast is three and a half fucking hours long and it feels like 20 minutes. You know, until you get to the last 20 minutes, then you just like do I can't fucking talk anymore. And the major thing about

Rogan is if I think if you didn't bring it up that you were three and a half hours in he would do another three and a half hours. But I had a great time on that one. And I sounded extra dumb on that. Because Rogan actually reads, you know, I sound dumb enough when I'm just by myself, but when I'm actually on a podcast with somebody who's actually a well read guy, you know, my level of stupidity really gets fucking exposed to an even higher level. So anyways, yeah, I've been sick for like four fucking days. I didn't actually then take any and then take any cold medicine because every fucking cold medicine I looked at said may do permanent liver damage. So I was like, all right, well, let's do the math here. I either go fucking two, three days of hell. And then I'm

fine. Or I fucking pussy out of three days of hell. And the trade off is permanent fucking liver damage, right? How fucking done would that be? You know, if you take cold medicine, you're a fucking pussy is basically what I'm saying. No, that's not true. That's not true. Because you know what? I don't have to fucking go to work. You guys do. And how many sick days can you really use? Especially if you're a woman, you know, if you got knocked up and you're already how many days do they give you for that? It's so fucking pathetic in this country that like you ever see other countries like how much time you get off and then people like, yeah, but they pay like fucking, you know, 90% taxes in that country. Yes. So what? At least they get something for their fucking taxes. What the fuck

are we getting in this country? Oh, I got my two by four out. I'm the angry voter, everybody. Despite the fact that I was as sick as I was, I was sick as a dog, man. I I still got the windows tinted on my car. I got a couple of things done. You know what's funny was the lovely, beautiful and talented Nia was actually leaving town on Wednesday and came back yesterday and I got sick literally Tuesday night and I was sick the whole fucking time. I was so fucking excited that, you know, not like excited she was going to be leaving. I was just excited that, you know, she wasn't going to be here. You know, much madness, gonna watch the fucking basketball, have the fellas over right fucking barbecue, drink some beers, right? I was gonna have a great time, great

fucking time. And then I got this goddamn tsunami of a fucking cold. And, uh, dude, it really wiped me out. Two days, I was just laying on the couch, just going, really? Are you fucking kidding? This is a cold? This is, this is what a cold is in 2013. Dude, my fucking hair hurt. I thought it's because I was dehydrated, just started sucking down water and all that did was make me gag. You know, it hurt to move my eyes. I can't move my eyes, man. Um, it was fucking brutal. So I toughed it out and I still got, I got the windows tinted on my car. And, uh, that was hilarious. I went down there. I went to this fucking place where it's like, do you guys like tint windows and also torture people in the back room? You know, one of those really shady places. I didn't go down on the dealership because I

knew they were going to charge me like fucking 500 bucks to have the official Toyota of tint put on the windows. I'm like, fuck this. Let me just get this guy to do it for a buck and a quarter. Um, so I go in there, right? And then obviously English is the second language for this guy. You know, and, um, I'm sure I could have had my pick of women too if I actually went into that back room. It just seemed like one of those things that I just felt like I was in the second season of the wire, you know, like there was going to be some big cargo tin with a bunch of dead hookers in it in the back. But anyways, that's not in my business. I'm just here to get my windows tinted on my fucking hybrid. So I say to the guy, all right, I want the back windows as dark as I can possibly get them

because my dog rides back there and she's always panting to beat the fucking band. I'd like her to be cooler and then upfront, you know, the darkest I can get. And then I was like, wait a minute, wait a minute, I go, you know, my girl kind of stinks at driving. So I don't want it so dark that she can't see other cars. And he laughs, you know, this fucking Eastern European black market fucking laugh. And he goes, all right, we'll do the 35%. And then we'll do the UV rays up front. And I'm like, great. So yeah, the guy, the guy, he does them enough. They look fucking phenomenal. So I'm recovering the next fucking two more days of this bullshit. Right. I finally come around yesterday. And I'm feeling good. And I know me is on a way home. So what do I do? I fucking clean

up the goddamn house. That's a big thing you have to do. When your fucking woman leaves town, when she comes back, the place has to look even fucking better. It has to look fucking great. And there's got to be food in the fridge. Okay, why? Because out of respect? No. Out of love? No. Then why would you do it, Bill? I'll tell you why. Because you can't fucking, you can't give them that fucking power that they feel like you're an absolute fucking moron. If they're not there, you know, they start feeling that after a while. Because, you know, when you fucking live with somebody, like a woman, they basically decide where everything goes. That's like shit that you both use. And you're a guy and you don't give a fuck, right?

So every fucking time you got to be like, yeah, where's the salad spoon? Where the fuck is this? Where the fuck is that? And then they get to be like the fucking chick on a sitcom, right? Well, my husband, he's a fucking moron, right? So I didn't want to have her that. I didn't want her to have that fucking victory. I vacuumed. I did everything that took the trash out. I had everything just looking fucking spotless. You're not going to come home looking at me like I'm a fucking moron. Wow, honey, the place looks great. Yeah, I met you when I was 36. I know how to make toast. All right, get over yourself. I was actually cleaning up so well. It was like, she's going to think I cheated on her or something. This is like, this is getting fucking ridiculous.

Would you vacuum for you getting rid of the fucking straight pubes there? This is the Monday morning podcast, everybody. Now that would have been that would have said if I actually cheated on what a fucking piece of shit, first of all, and then second of all, like, I would have a sex addiction if I actually did that because of how fucking sick sick I was. You know, if I actually banged one of those fucking Eastern European whores that I know were locked in the back of that tinted out fucking place. You know what's funny was we she gets home. All right. And within within an hour we were in a fight because I told the story about getting the windows tinted like an asshole. I wasn't even

thinking and I mentioned to the fact that I said she wasn't the greatest driver and I heard her feelings. You said that you don't think I'm a good driver. Jesus Christ. And that's one of those ones where you just gotta be like, okay, Bill, you're an idiot. Why did you say that? You know, I'm still pissed that she got pissed about that. You know, that would be like if she told one of her friends that I'm not a good dancer and then I was like, you told I'm not a good dad. What the fuck? Yeah, Bill, you suck. You suck at dancing. You know, Jesus fucking Christ. I don't fucking kills me about fucking women. It's like they even when they know they stink at something, if you say they stink at something, they get they get all fucking offended.

You said the truth. Why would you say what's actually happening? You know, I'm a terrible fucking dancer. I think maybe I could in another life, I could have been a good dancer, but all like, like happy emotions were beaten out of me by the time I was fucking four years old. So, you know, just dancing. I mean, I can't I just it's not even in me. That whole fucking whatever that gift is, whenever that is, whatever that the dance and dust is fucking sprinkled on you, that was not sprinkled on me in any way, shape or fucking form. You know, even the music, isn't it angry music? Except for Bruno Mars. Every once in a while, I got a little, I got a little, that's not true.

Wait a minute, Bill, come on. Who else you got in there? Night Ranger. Hey, did you see these fucking these guys want to blow us up now? You know, before I get into that, how about a little advertising everybody? Let's let's do something. E voice everybody. They're back. They're back on the podcast. E voice is the reason you're going to make money in 2013. Let me repeat that. E voice is the reason you're going to make money in 2013. Hey, why are you going to make money in 2013 because of E voice? When your customers call, you'll have your own toll free number, professional greeting, dial by name, directory and more. Oh, this is basically

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them and sends them instantly as a text or email email. That's great. So then you can be at your other job. You know, you don't have to be on the phone. You can act like you're typing as you sit there looking at your, uh, your, your, uh, your voicemails. Um, so you can check, uh, voicemails before the meeting ends and not look rude. E voice is only 10 bucks a month, but right now listeners to my podcast can try E voice for free for six months. That's right. A six month free trial. Support my podcast, stop what you are doing, hit pause, set up your E voice free trial and see what I'm talking about. Go to E voice.com and use promo code bill. That's E voice.com promo code bill. One more time. E voice.com promo code bill. I don't like how they'd slip that in there. Stop

do what you're doing and hit pause. See what they just did there. Oh, that was kind of sneaky. My dumb ass Reddit. Um, anyways, you see these North Korean cunts are allegedly going to try and blow us up. This is amazing. They got this video. It's fucking Jesus Christ built. Can you, can you just have anything ready to go? This is why am I eventually actually going to have like a whole, no, I'm not going to do that. Actually have like a, like an official radio set up, you know, I'm not going to do that. Cause then you know what, then I have, then then there's somewhere I have to be. There's people I have to answer to and all that fucking horseshit. I'm not doing it. I was watching this whole thing on North Korea and how they made,

they made this promo video and it's basically about them launching their own space shuttle. It's this North Korean dude. I'm assuming, right? And he's sitting there dreaming and they had the instrumental of we are the world in the background, right? We are the world. We are the children. This fucking North Korean space shuttle is flying around, you know, flying around the globe. Korea is unified and, um, you know, it ends with a city that looks like New York, which is on fire after some sort of missile attack, you know, but I guess they say, and it looks like the evil doers did themselves in so they don't take responsibility for doing it. But I guess, you know, I don't know,

evidently that was cause for big concern. Not in my world though, even though LA, I guess is one of the main first ones they want to attack. I don't give a fuck. Is that going to make you happy? They're fucking no fucking fat face. They're fat face part two. You know, I can see why we're annoying. I mean, we got in the middle of their fight over there way back in the day. We should have minded our own business. Let them duke it out. Whoever wins, wins, but we didn't. We stuck our fucking noses in over there and now they don't like us. Well, what would we do during the fucking civil war if all of a sudden Korea came over here and was

like, Hey, hey, we side with these guys. Other side. Why don't you settle down after a while, be like, Hey, why don't you guys get the fuck out of here? Let us solve our own fucking problems. I get it. You know, I just don't understand what North Korea has, what their fascination is with having a fat dictator. They like a real pudgy fucking like on medication, like bloated face kind of fucking dictator. That's their thing. I don't know. I'm not worried about it. I would be more worried if they were going to try and blow up San Francisco because I'm in Los Angeles. Okay. If you're going to fucking shoot a goddamn nuclear weapon at this country by all means, do it at the city that I'm in because I don't want to survive it. All right. That's where you want to be. By the

way, all these fucking people trying to come up with these underground places to go. That's not where you want to be. You want to be right where the fucking cone of that missile hits. That's where you want to be. Just get vaporized. You have no idea. You don't even know what's coming. Sitting there watching sports and it's it over. You know, you don't want to be on the outskirts like in Scottsdale fucking Arizona with one side of your fucking face melted off and then walking around for four days looking for wheat things. You want to do that? Have some fucking agonizing like 18 day death. Fuck that. I want to be vaporized. You know, like you ever see a bunch of bugs and he hit him with some raid that fucking one that takes the

direct hit that thing is done in two seconds. But the other ones are doing that little fucking angus young running on the ground during a guitar solo fucking move. Those are the ones you don't want to be. Right? I don't know. I don't give a fuck about North Korea. I'm not worried about those guys. All right, you want to fucking start some shit. Go ahead. All right, start some fucking shit. What are they going to do? Like what what exactly is that they're fucking game plan? It's not so like not even a throw. Okay, you're going to what you're going to take out two cities. We have enough shit to fucking blow up the entire world like nine million times. So you're going to take out Los Angeles, right? And then then you know what you're not going

to have any movies to watch. You haven't think about that North Korea. God knows your dad loved watching all our fucking movies. You're going to have none of that shit. Right? You're going to have half the fucking divas that you're going to that you're going to hire to perform at your fucking New Year's party like Beyonce. They're not going to be there. Isn't Beyonce one of the ones that perform for some fucking mass murdering psychopath? Was it her? I don't fucking know. I'll throw her name out. You know, I'll take her name off. And I'll say it was a booze face there from the voice the one who likes to get dirty. What's her name? Christina Applegate Aguilera. There you go. What's it her? She's another one. She does that R&B singing fucking point and everywhere

her fucking voice is going. It seems like she's sitting on a giant vibrator. Um, she's just said fuck it. If you notice that with her, she just said the hell with it. I don't give a fuck. You know, I'm just going to be almost in shape. And you guys can just fucking do I had a kid. I like having a glass of wine around four in the afternoon. Go fuck yourself. I'm like, I really respect that. She doesn't care. You know, like if she was a dude, she'd be one of those guys who couldn't wear a tie because it, it's just fucking, she can't breathe at that point. She would, she dressed like Dana White. Um, all right, I didn't know what the fuck I'm talking

about here. If you guys see that they're going to have these new smell of visions, real smell of vision TV unveiled by Japanese team and it's not an April Fool is what it says. A Tokyo team invent a smelling screen that makes smells emanate from the spot on the screen, showing their corresponding object. It works by feeding odors from sublimating gel pallets. Oh, pellets into air streams that I've seen. It's it's sublimating. That doesn't sound right. Like I don't think I pronounced that correctly. Whatever gel pellets into air streams that can be directed to specific spots on the screen. So what are you going to have like a bunch of pellets

for every state that just, it's not going to work. You know what the sad thing about this stupid fucking thing is? It's, it said the development promises to make advertisement for fried chicken or fresh coffee, even more appealing. You know, who's going to get this fucking thing? I swear to God, Bobby Kelly. Dude, I got the new smell of vision, dude. Dude, I'm watching the food network. I was fucking drooling, dude. The guy's making a fucking lobster souffle. I could fucking smell the fucking beach, dude. You know, and he'll buy it right when it comes out so we can be the first guy in his block to have it. It'll cost him 15 grand. And then in like fucking four years, they're going to be selling for like 600 bucks. That's, that's the one of the things about being

at the forefront of technology when you just have to be the first douchebag on your block. You know, I got, I have to have him on this podcast because I really, I really want to talk to him about that. Like what, what is that? Cause I see it. It like, it like fills him up when I used to be in New York city and he would get some new gadget. He couldn't fucking wait to come down to the cellar and think of some phony reason to pull out his new shiny thing. Just dying for someone to be like, Oh, is that the new fucking shiny fucking Foozie 1000? And then he that, then he'd be like, Oh, Oh, why? Yes. Yes, it is. Dude, check it. It charges my iPhone. Boom. You open this over here. Fwap. I got all my dates. Zowie.

That motherfucker has had everything fucking everything. I like 15 years ago when he still had his noodle hair. He fucking had anything that had a stylist at a palm pile. He had everything. He had that. I lived with him. He had that and he had bags. He, those are the two things that he was fucking into. And you know what I was into eating bland food and staring at the wall. So who fucking won? Who won in that one? I would say Bobby. Um, all right, let's get to some fucking, uh, some goddamn questions for this fucking week here. By the way, I don't know if I brought this up yet because I've had to start this podcast

a couple of times because I had a coughing fit. Um, obviously the fastest, most speediest recovery possible for Kevin Ware of the, uh, of Louisville. Jesus Christ. That was one of the, that's one of the worst things I've ever seen. And, um, um, and if you haven't seen it, you know what's just, it's killing me as I know there's going to be a bunch of people who upload that fucking video and then douchebags will have to make jokes and that type of thing. But what a tough motherfucker. This guy basically, he broke, I don't know if it was a compound fracture, if it was, if it was both bones or whatever, but I know at least one of them, you know, was coming through the fucking skin and he's still

laying there telling everybody to win the fucking game. Jesus Christ. That wouldn't have been me. I would have been crying like a fucking girl and saying, you know, games, I would have used up all our timeouts and I could give a fuck about the game at that point. I would be screaming. I would have been like Nancy Kerrigan. Oh, that's one of my favorite clips of all time, because you know what I love? I love that she acted exactly how I would have acted. Everybody wants to act like they're going to be the, Hey, win one for the Gipper. And you know what? Most of us got that Nancy Kerrigan gene, you know, we're just going to start crying and be like, why me? That really was that was right up there as far as like, you know,

she'd obviously never gotten her ass kicked in her life. It's the fact that she couldn't even wrap her fucking head around. You know, if she had gotten her ass kicked a couple of times, she at least would have, she why me would have been downgraded to dude. What the fuck? Oh my God, what the fuck? Right? Say why? Why? Um, I don't even know what the fuck I was going with that. I'm sorry guys, this fucking podcast sucks this week. I mean, I'm, I'm, all right, I admit it. It sucks this week. I'm fucking, I'm still sick, but you know, yesterday's was lat yesterday's fucking last week's was a great one.

Okay. So give me a little bit of slack here. Cut me a little sleight for Christ's sake. Can you do that? Um, all right. Oh, by the way, you know, something, um, a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned the fact that, um, I don't get the, you know, the Premier League as far as their, their soccer over there where their jerseys can be just so the colors are so dramatically different. Like you'll be watching a team and they're red and white. And then next week they're wearing black and yellow and it's like, what the fuck? And, uh, this guy wrote and he said, uh, in the Premier League colors change, uh, for example, Arsenal play man united, they both wear red and white. So the way team changes colors, that's why they changed the team. Cause I guess,

and it's kind of weird that they're in the same league and guys can have the same colors. You know, which is starting to happen in American sports. Like how ever the Toronto Maple Leafs sued the Tampa Bay Lightning for their new fucking jerseys yet, you know, they're slowly moving in on your fucking territory. And I don't know why you're not saying anything. Um, all right. Anyways, Bill, your workout routine. Hey, Bill, unlike 95% of Americans on your shows, you look like what I think most people would look like, should look like in terms of fitness. Uh, you see what he did there? He gave me a nice big compliment as he fucking trashed 95% of Americans, not 95%. It's a good fucking 65% of Americans. Um, do you follow a specific routine?

Thanks. Um, well, right now I'm in fucking horrible shape. I put in a fucking 10 pounds, but this is the thing. I never let it get beyond this. You know, my, I never let it get it beyond like a little bit of fucking like 10 pounds. And then I just take it off. That's basically what I do. I hike with my dog and, uh, and I use my own body weight. I use my own body weight because I find that that, that makes you more cut rather than puffy. If you fucking lift weights and shit, you get, you just start over developing like five different groups of muscles. And, uh, you start walking around looking like a midget bouncer, at least I do. So I, you, I climbing rope, I have a pegboard and I have a pull up in dip station, uh, because I,

I am a firm believer that you need to be able to move your own body. You know, and I used to do yoga fucking years and years ago, but, um, I don't know. I just can't get myself to go to the classes. Those fucking mats are all dirty and shit. Even if you bring your own mat, it's just the level of sweating and bare feet. It's just fucking disgusting. And, uh, you know, and then also the chicks in there, so fucking ridiculous looking that at least out here in LA, um, you know, the whole mental aspect of the thing is out the fucking window because you're supposed to be like, you know, also calming your mind and I'm not calming my mind. My mind is fucking going.

So, um, yeah, that's what it is. And I try not to eat like an asshole. And now that I'm of advanced age, gonna be 45 years old, I try to eat a fucking giant salad every day. And, uh, as while fighting that, what are you a fag fucking voice in my head? But, um, as much as people sit there and they say that that's bird food and that type of thing, eat a giant salad every day. And I'm telling you, yeah, you're going to be right as rain. All right. I'm telling you, if you don't eat a salad every day and you're eating fucking a bunch of meat and that type of thing, I swear to God, trying to take a shit is, is like fucking, it's not a fun experience. You have a giant salad every day. It's not a problem.

That's, you know what, that was true, but disgusting, but I don't give a fuck. There you go. So that's what I do. Um, all right, cooking, Billy Boyardee. What are some of your favorite things to cook in the kitchen? I was never much of a cook until I realized it's super easy. Um, well, you must have a gift then. What do you mean? Super easy. What are you making? Eggs over easy? Yeah, that's easy, but I mean, you're actually, you know, doing some of that food network stuff. I don't think it's super easy. Second, you got to have like a, an ice bath, bath to like blanch some shit. You know, anyways, uh, or caramelizing shit. You just got to experiment and think the basics through. The food network mentioned the website called my fridge food.com that tells you what you can make

with the ingredients in your house. I accidentally learned how to make teriyaki sauce and pumpkin pie because of what I've had, what I had in my place. That's actually interesting. You mentioned once you made ribs. Have you mastered anything? What's your go to? Um, if I mastered anything, uh, the fucking I do, uh, I don't know. I don't know. I, I'm one of those people every once, once every eight months I throw down and I cook and I make a fucking great meal. Dude, I'll make you a spaghetti sauce. If you like a sweeter one that has some molasses in it, and it will literally make you punch your fucking wife in the face repeatedly. Just fucking just drawn back with each chew. Just there is you bite down. You're letting it

fuck. You're letting your hands go, you know, you're free. That's how good this was for spaghetti sauces. I can make you a lasagna meat based, of course. Um, can do, I can do all of that shit. I can make you some fucking short ribs there. Yeah, I can fucking cook. If I gave a fuck, if I really wanted to, I could get really good at cooking. I'm actually, I'm really good at baking. I think I tell a nice story. I don't like this shit. I don't like being, I don't like these two fucking questions here where I'm talking positively about myself. You know why? Because there's absolutely no humor in it. All right, let's get back to the fucking grip strength. You know why you need grip strength in case you're ever in a fucking house fire and

you need to climb down the goddamn gutters or you need to go up to the roof and then take a run and leap to the house next to it and you're going to come up short and you're going to fucking grab something over there or maybe a fucking tree branch. That's what you need grip strength for. All right. I guess if you lift weights and you ever get sucked into a sinkhole, you can fucking lift your house off of you. I don't know what. All right, as far as cooking, yeah, I don't think cooking's that cooking. The whole thing is you got to have all these, you know, if you really want to throw down, it's that initial startup costs. It's like when you first learn how to fix a car, it's not going to be cheaper than taking it to somewhere else because you're going to have to

fucking not only buy the parts, you can have to buy all the tools. So I don't know, have I mastered anything? Yeah, I can make a fucking pie. I can make cakes. I can bake. I can grill. I'm not the greatest griller. I got to admit, I get very impatient with grilling. I know I'm supposed to have like the caveman shit want to be standing out there over the fucking fire. I'm really not into that. I used to work in a restaurant. And I worked a mesquite grill. And I had the big fucking chef hat and all that type of shit. And I made great burgers and shrimp brochettes and chicken sandwiches and that shit. I know how to do it. I can mock up the meat. I can fucking cook. I just don't, I'm just, I have to be into it and I get into it. I'm psycho into it for like three weeks.

And then I'm just not, I don't give a fuck after a while. Because I have fucking ADD. You know, basically stand up comedy is the only thing I ever stuck with. So hence it's the only thing I remember I'm really good at. I can play drums. Okay, I can play a little guitar. I can make a couple of dishes and I can shoot the shit about the weather at a party. And then pretty much that other than that, I'm done. Underrated the Bible, the Bible. All right. Oh, Jesus, here we go. At the risk of pissing you off. I'm trying to say that the Bible is underrated. That doesn't piss me off. I mean, it's a hell of a story. You know, really, all religious texts are underrated and I can't blame anyone for underrating religion

since religion is a lot of speculative crap. No, I think the basis of all religions are the way you should live life like the 10 commandments is like common sense, the seven deadly sins. I love that shit. It's that it's that once you start being like, you know, he loves us best. And you don't believe what we're saying. So you're infidels and now we have to kill you or we have to have a crusade or we have to torture you until you're into what the fuck we're into. Or we're making so much money off this horseshit. We have to look the other way while some of us are fucking children, you know, that that's where I make my departure, you know, or you're constantly telling me that this thing is fucking mad at me because I'm flawed, despite that's the way he fucking made me.

Like that's never made sense to me. Or like if there's a God that, you know, he makes somebody like a sociopath. And a sociopath is basically a broken human being. Like they didn't get all the parts. And it's like not even it's like not even their fault that that that that they're born that way, that they don't feel anything. All right. That's not that that person's going to hell because they were born fucked up. You know, now I'm not saying I have sympathy for sociopaths. I think they should be hunting down and fucking shot in the street like rabid dogs. But I'm just saying as far as the are you going to having a hell? I mean, isn't that like on on the manufacturer? I've always equated it to that like, you know, it'd be like if you built a piece of shit car,

like you fucked up, you fucked it up when you built it, and then you get mad at it because it doesn't run right. You know, so that that's my thing. So you know, if you're into the Bible, I don't give a fuck. Anyway, I want to bring up the book of Job. Ha, look at that. I said it right. I didn't say job job. Rich reads as a tale of cruelty, because God and the devil got together to put Job through the ringer. Do you know bad? I would love to read the book of Job and actually be able to read more than two paragraphs without sitting there going what the fuck are they talking about? I think most people religious and otherwise miss an important point. Throughout the text, Job's friends went half cocked, saying that Joe must have must have done something to deserve

what was happening to him. Sounds like the type of thing a lady would say. Now it sounds the type of thing like a religious nut would say to me. At the end, God became angry with Job's friends for making this assumption and made them do sacrifices just for being smart ass shitheads. So the Bible has all kinds of moral concepts that have barely survived into the modern era, probably thanks to all the linguistic mangling. Well, thank God you're there to figure it all out. Job demonstrates that the burden of proof falls upon the accuser. It's even part of our justice system, but nobody gives it the importance it deserves, especially Christians. If there's a God, he definitely pissed. He's definitely pissed at you know who. No, I don't. I don't know who I was totally with

you until you put it all on the Christians. But now I think that which means you're either Jewish or Muslim or fucking. I don't know what it was. There was something else. Who are those people who pray to the trees hippies? Is that a religion? Huh? Dirty hippies? That's not a religion. Hindu? No, not Hindu. Hare Krishna? Aren't Hare Krishna's just dirty hippies who shaved their heads? Or am I thinking of that Charles Manson movie where the Manson family all shaved their heads? I don't fucking know. I don't know what your point was, sir. It made me want to read the book of Job, but I know what's going to happen. I'll start to read it and then it's be and then God said it

done to you with the Yahweh and the seven son of the fucking he we need how many who and it's just like, all right, you know, why don't they give it? I'm sure there is. I'm sure there's an updated version of it. Will they actually write it in a more modern English like the band? All right, Bill, wife left Bill. So I got a text from my wife a couple of weeks ago saying she had taken her dog and her things left and we're getting a divorce. Wow. She gave you a text message, you know, that's kind of the way to do it in a selfish way. You know, you know, I know somebody who did that. I knew somebody who was in a fucking relationship forever.

And I guess they just didn't know how to get out of it. So here's an option for people out there, men and women. And sir, this has nothing to do with you. This just reminded me of this. So this fucking guy is his woman went on a cruise or went on some sort of wine tasting thing or whatever. And he I guess he knew that she was going on this trip. So before she left, he already found another apartment signed a lease and all that type of shit. So she leaves. I mean, she was leaving for like two, three days. He had another buddy of mine went over there. They packed up all his shit and fucking moved it out to this new place. And then, you know, he just lived in that place until the day she was coming back. He came back to the apartment. She comes home and immediately

sees half the shit is gone. And he just dropped the bomb like that and said, listen, you know, we need to talk. I'm not fucking happy. And when I tell you this fucking woman flipped the fuck out, flipped the fuck out, like went absolutely fucking ballistic. And and I always wanted to ask her why. What was it that made you flip out? Would you would you have flipped out less? Because she, she didn't even go into the surprise of what? Oh my God, crying, but went immediately to anger. And I think it was because he was already out. And there wasn't going to be any sort of closure slash I can torture you and be a total cunt to you. Like he sidestepped all of that and just made this clean ass fucking break. You know, Dennis Miller,

that's the news and I am out of here. That's what I thought when he did it. And I don't know why I always smile when I think because that's the thing, you know, if you're gonna break up with a woman, you just know, I mean, I mean, I never had a breakup with girl I was living with, I can't imagine that fucking hell. And this person, I mean, that that's one way to do it. So if you are stuck in a relationship and you don't know how to fucking bring it up, you just don't know how to do it. That's one way to do it. Because when they come home and you're sitting there, but you all your shit isn't there. That's that's the conversation has begun.

Anyways, so getting back to this poor bastard, he goes her rationale was that she always hated me. Oh my god. Forget the eight instances of cheating three post marriages that I three post marriage that I tolerated just because is as good of a reason for her to leave as any wait a minute back up here. Wait a minute, dude, she cheated on you eight fucking times five times before you got married. I mean, dude, what? Come on, man. You didn't see this coming. All right, I'm going to save judgment here. He said, forget about the eight instances of cheating three post marriages that I tolerated and then he writes in quote, just because is as good of reason for her to leave as any.

Here's where you pummel me, but she was my mom's but she was at my mom's bedside with my mom and I when my mom died. Okay, I didn't realize dude, you didn't write this well. I didn't realize to her that nothing I didn't realize to her that was nothing but her way in. I didn't realize that to her. I don't know what that she went to that that that was her way into your life in my grief. I didn't notice she went full Andy to frame just chipping away at my sense of self. So she would fuck around.

So when she would fuck around, I thought, well, no person in the world will hang on to me. So this is better than being alone. Fuck it. I'll do. Come on, man. She and I had been together for nine years, married three. My problem is that as a 26 year old birthday was yesterday, none of my friends can relate and my thousand yard stare okay relate. And my thousand yard stare at the bar just seems to be harsh. It seems to harsh their hipster PBR buzz. Dude, this is the most difficult fucking thing I've ever tried to read. Dude, you're only 26 years old. Get the fuck out of this thing. Go to the gym. Is that your problem?

Huh? You got a little dough around the fucking middle? That's it, dude. Read up on nutrition. Get some fucking self esteem, man. This is ridiculous. This fucking cunt. You know why she hated you? She's probably one of the reasons she hates you is because you're not sticking up for yourself. This fucking dude. You know what? I'm not going to yell. You've already been through the fucking ring with this one. I'm sorry you ran into something like this. I'm sorry. I don't know who the fuck your male role model was when you were growing up. Didn't build you up more, but they obviously didn't fucking raise you right. And now you got to do it. Okay. You got to build yourself up,

man. You can't fucking, you can't fucking have something like this going on. You're like William H. Macy and fucking boogie nights. You can eventually fucking shoot her in the driveway, fucking your friends and then go blow your own brains out. You don't want to be that guy. Fuck this woman. Because I've tried to get back out there with some people I know, but when they tried, when they tell their stories from college, all I think is I wonder if John McCain gets this mad when people his age tells stories about Woodstock. All right. Now, where do we make the leap there? What their pussy stories? And you're pissed because you missed out on that.

I'm, I'm optimistic as for the most part, my life is much better. My friends think I'm exaggerating because they saw us together. And my response is that people saw Elizabeth smart out in public too, and she wasn't, and she wasn't fine either. What the hell do I do? The last time I was single, texting didn't exist. I couldn't drink legally. I've lived with my parents. I lived with my parents. You got the point three examples ago, but I keep typing. I thought maybe as a comic, when you started going on the road and didn't know people everywhere, it may have been a similar vibe. Yeah, dude, like you're, you're starting from ground zero. You're totally beat down. You're 26 years old talking about like you're 50. You know, you're fine. All right. Wait,

so you went there for fucking, what did you say, eight or nine years? Let's do the math here. I text my wife, eight instances. I'll see you there for nine years. So you got together with so you got together with this girl when you was 17. So you were a baby. All right, I get it. I get it. And you stayed with this girl and you never cheated on her. She cheated on you. And all those years of college when you should have got your game together, how to talk to women, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, dude, that's, you can, you can make up ground real quickly here. You're only 26 years old. You just got to, you just got to get yourself out there. Now, I mean, I wouldn't suggest just

going out to bars. Look, if you want to fuck a woman, go out to a bar, do that. If you want to meet somebody nice, then I would, I would be, I would definitely look elsewhere. Do you have any hobbies? Do you like sports? I would join some sort of a fucking, I don't know what the fuck is the word. What's the word when they let guys and women play together? You know, I joined some shit like that. Take a fucking cooking class. It's just something, you know, something where the, where the good girls go to, you know, but you know, if you just want to go out and get laid, who gives a fuck? You, what you got to do is you got to get over being, getting rejected. Just go out to a bar and just talk some shit, you know, don't go out and get plastered and use

that as your fucking courage. Just go out there and just talk some shit, you know, and just go out there and just say, all right, I'm going to, I'm going to say what's up to 10 different women tonight. All right. Or if that's too overwhelming, make it five or four. All right. No, no less than four. All right. All right. With no, no pressure on the results. Just go out there and just fucking strike up a conversation, see how long you can keep it going and, and just, you know, whatever you're going to be nervous, you're going to give a fuck, but with each one, you're going to give a shit less. And the less you give a fuck, the more relaxed you're going to be, the funnier you're going to be, the more you're going to attract them. It's, it's literally when

you give a fuck. When you give a fuck, you're scaring them away. When you care, you know, you'll be fine. All right. But it's, you got to grow up and stop embracing this fucking, this depressive shit, because it's also going to make you an angry cunt and you're going to fucking hate women and you're going to push your friends away and you end up being alone. All right. Unfortunately, you're fucking, you're wasting nine years of your life with some cunt and you got fucking married. Okay. But it wasn't a waste because now you know what you don't want. All right. So that's it. But for the love of God, do not get into another goddamn relationship. You got to make a pact with yourself. You're not going to go from a nine year one, three year

marriage to fucking jump in into something else. You got to stay single and figure out what the fuck you want. You might not want, you might want to like not even go out to fucking bars for a while. You know, let's go to the gym, hit it like a fucking madman, you know, and fucking figure out what you will, what you're looking for and then where it should be and then go in that direction. Do that. All right. Not everybody's going to be the guy who goes out and bags a fucking hundred women. Who gives a fuck? All right. At the end of it, if you find fucking love and you find the person you're supposed to be with, you're one. Okay. So, uh, whatever. There's my fucking two cents. Did I say the F word enough? All right. From fucking

Croatia, which is in fucking Europe. Look at this guy breaking my balls from the other side of the planet. All right. I'll get right to it. Recently, my luck with the ladies changed for the better. Good for you, sir. I realized how different men are from women and started using that to my advantage. Well, sir, the last person, please listen to this guy. I'm 23 and in college. I started college three years older, so I am in class with 19 to 20 year olds. Pretty much they are all ladies. Not a single one of them is, is annoying. I get along with all of them, but there is this one, Christina, who acts like she's the only one with problems. Okay. Well, there's always going to be a bad one in there. Uh, we talked a couple of times, even went out on a date. She seemed interested,

but very distant. Uh, the date was very tense. Unlike all the other dates I can handle. Oh, Jesus, you guys really killed me this week. Unlike all the other dates I can handle somewhat manly. At least I act cool. So everything goes relatively smoothly. I'm going to cut you some slack, sir, because this is a fucking second language. This is amazing. This date was as stiff as Jay Leno. I hated it. Uh, so we didn't talk for a couple of days after the horror date. My dad, my bad for not knowing, not talking to her. I know. No, it isn't yet a bad date. Don't call her back. You didn't have a good time. Why would you pursue it? Uh, anyways, then we started talking again and some vibes were going on, but we only saw each other in class. Then we started

talking some deep shit over Facebook as 20 year olds do. And I realized we don't get each other. We just don't understand one another. All right. So walk away. She has a little circle of friends and a lot of guys come on to her, but she's like very into herself and shit. Okay. I know her self centered feelings are natural at her age, but I am a little bit older, but she's like, no, no one understands me. She's really a baby yet. Dude, you have this all figured out. He goes, we don't understand each other at all. It's like we mean the same thing, but awkwardly argue over the choice of the words we use. Man, I really want to bang her. She's, I was going to say, she has to be beautiful. He said she's smoking hot. In the meantime, I am all over

the other ladies, uh, but I'm really restless about this one. I like her, but she will break me if I get too much into her. Now look how we started speaking like Ivan Drago. So the gist of my pussy ass letter is how do I bang her now after the shitty date and awkward Facebook arguments. Uh, goddamn, I just realized she's cutting my balls off when I talk to her. I must get my shit together if I want to fuck her, but I still don't really know how to do it. Shit. Okay. Uh, all right. What are we going to do? Um, all right. How the fuck did we undo what the fuck was already done? What would I do? Uh, I would fucking, you know what I would do? I would just charm the shit out of her and I would come in in a fucking great mood,

even if you're not in a great mood, just come into class. You know, this, I'm giving you the fucking D'Amone speech from my fast time at Ridgemont High. You know, you just come walking in like your fucking life is great. You know, and she's going to be like, Oh my God, he's like, I'm not like talking to him and he's like having a good time. Does that like mean I'm not pretty anymore? Like that'll fuck with her. Fucking the world revolves around me that you can actually, now that you've been sucked into her world, you can still actually have a great fucking day without needing her fucking attention or anything. Yeah, just walking in like your life's the shit. And when you see her be really

friendly. Hey, how are you? Give her a nice big hug and then be fucking flirting with all the other fucking women. That'll make her fucking jealous. I mean, he's basically going to have to play a fucking game with a fucking cunt like this, which is really a lot of work. And it sounds like you, like you sound like you're kind of the male version of her. You know, she kind of didn't let you fucking hit it. So now you're kind of getting wrapped up in this fucking twat that you don't even want. Your ego wants it. You want to fucking bang her. You know what you should do, sir? It's just fucking walk away. That's what you do. Walk away and go bang something else. And when she actually fucking comes at you, be like, why don't you call me anymore and just be like,

there's no vibe between us. There really isn't. You know, you're beautiful, but the conversation is too awkward. And I find that you're just really self-centered. You're really into yourself. And I find it annoying. You know, if you tell it that you're probably going to be closer to that fucking pussy than you are going the other way. Why don't you call me? Oh, sorry, I've been busy. You just act like a fucking loser. Don't do that. All right. You get this one by walking away from this one. That's, that's, that's my gut feeling. All right, sir. You know what you do? You just walk in class, you take your dick out, you put it right on a fucking desk and just go, and you know, really, can we just stop already? And then when the teacher

is like, excuse me fucking, uh, Czechoslovakia name, whatever the fucking name is, right? Sick. I used to play for the, uh, for the Lakers who was fucking over there. Christ, I'm sorry guys. This podcast stunk. Just take your dick out and shake it in her face. Go listen. I want to show you something you're going to have right fucking here. Right? How about you do that there? Can I tap out on that? This has been the money money podcast everybody. Um, thank you for listening. Uh, if you'd like to donate to this podcast, uh, click, go to the, Jesus Christ, go to billbird.com. Click on the podcast page. You'll see the Amazon link.

Click on Amazon.com. Go to Amazon. If you would like to buy something, buy something. If you do, it doesn't cost you any more money, but they kicked me a little bit of money and I take fucking 10% of that and I kick it to the Wounded Warriors project. So you support me and the troops. There you go. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves next week. I will feel better and, uh, I hope I will be funnier. Okay. Oh, next week, where the fuck will I be? No, I'll still be here. I will still be here and it'll be right before my whole dirty south fucking tour. So I'll be hyping that next week. All right. That's it. Oh, by the way, I also did an episode of Greg Fitzsimmons podcast. If you want to listen to that one, uh, yeah, that's great.

Listen to Greg's then listen to Rogan's. You're listening. He gradually gets sick and this is the fucking fallout of it. All right. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Oh, yeah, that was a spaghetti bolognese with a lot of garlic. Download the Maiden leise app and cook me. Yeah, top the leise.