Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-11-11

Episode Date: April 11, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles sports, ghetto sheratons, Upper Darby Philly, and choking women.

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I'll tell you why. I'm going to tell you why right now, because I tried to do the podcast last night. I just can't do it on the days I travel, you know, flew across this country once again from Philly all the way out here. And I'm like, alright, I took an early flight, 7.30 in the fucking morning. I'll land 10.30 LA time. Somehow I'll take a little old man nap in the afternoon. You know, the old men take a nap, you know what I mean? You lie in the fetal position with your hands in the prayer pose between your fucking milk white thighs, if you're me. Sitting there in your BBDs and a t-shirt and black dress socks on, faced in towards the cushion. That's an old man nap.

And then somewhere through it, you roll over on your back, start breathing out your fucking mouth in and out just... You know, that's what old people do. And the old guys do it right in the fucking living room so no one can watch TV, just dominate in the house. Your old man balls just hanging out the side of your tidy whiteies. Um, that was the plan. That's what I was gonna do. Then you always end up getting cold too. I never understood that. If I lie on the couch awake and I'm not moving, I never get cold. But the second you fall asleep, you get all chilly.

Why? Do you get chilly when you're sleeping? Um, Jesus, I hate myself this week. I'm not even gonna fucking get into this shit. How fucking unfunny I was last night in the podcast. I try to record this thing for like 20 goddamn minutes. To the point, I have to put up one of the outtakes at the end of this. I've never done that. I want to put up an outtake of me just quitting on a story. Um, I'll put that up at the end. But before I get into the rest of the podcast, ladies and gentlemen, I got a couple things I have to hype. Like tonight, for all you people in Los Angeles,

I'm gonna be doing a benefit for all the victims of the earthquake slash tsunami over there in Japan. I'm gonna be doing it at the Catalina Jazz Club tonight. It's at 6725 Sunset Boulevard just east of Highland. All right, I'm going to have the link and everything up on the mmpodcast.com. The show starts at 8pm. It's called Cabaret Cares Songs for Japan. So it's actually comedy and, uh, and some music. So there'll be some Broadway stars down there. Daisy Egan's the one who actually put it together for those of you who are into Broadway.

Uh, she won a Tony Award when she was 11. All right, sang at Carnegie Hall and killed it at 11. All right, but got, got the fucking award from, uh, who's that, that chick there that I said that women should still be dressed in like? Uh, breakfast, uh, breakfast at Tiffany's. What the hell's her name there? Uh, the one who looks like a little fucking, uh, not a rat, not a hamster. That's a cute little fucking big brown-eyed rodent. That's what she looks like to me. She looks like, oh God,

I wish I could have gone on a date with her and said that to her. You know, right as she's starting to like me and just look across her and trying to say some peppy lapieu like romantic shit, you know? Come here, my little brown-eyed rodent. Ah, fuck. You ever notice how fucking racist that is? Peppy lapieu? I never noticed. Did I talk about that on the podcast? Well, I don't care if I did. Got a wing an hour every week. You're not going to fucking repeat yourself sitting in your goddamn cubicle.

How many times you told that fucking joke? Two guys walking to a bar, you know, just waiting for a new employee so you can hit him with your same old fucking stories. How dare you? How dare you question me? You motherfucker in your goddamn cubicle. Huh? What are you doing? You hating yourself right now because you ate the whole Cinnabon because you lied to yourself. I'm going to cut it in half and I'm not going to do it. What happened? You cut it in half and you saw that sugary goodness, huh?

Just fucking coming down and the fucking baker jizz that's on top just dripping down the side and what do you do? You went down on it. You went down on it like some horror, just got off a bus in a strange city. That's what you did. Now you had your sugar rush, you're like, yeah, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to make it through the whole day. Cinnabon, the poor man's 12 hour energy. Hey, can somebody please explain to that commercial to me when those guys take that five hour energy, whatever the fuck it is, they take it

and the guy goes, yeah, all right, I'm ready. And then he sits down, puts his feet up on the table and reads a newspaper. I thought it's supposed to make you go work. What's the deal? Oh God, am I going to suck on this one too? You know what? Fuck you guys. Every once in a while I have a bad set. I think I'm going to bomb this week. So anyways, getting back to what I was talking about. So I had planned on taking a nap, an old man fucking nap, by the way.

Stripping right down in my underwears and sleeping on the couch like a fucking, the old man that I am, but the masters, the masters was on and I had to watch it because Rory McIntyre from Ireland looked like he was going to win the damn thing. You know, plus I'm always rooting for Tiger, you know, because I have issues with women. I have such issues with women that I actually think that at their women meetings where they trash guys, they actually have like a little counter on how many tournaments it's been since Tiger actually won

and they're trying to sit there, you know, as they fucking braid their hairy muffs just sitting there. As they braid their hairy muffs, right? And they're just sitting there going, you know why? You know why he hasn't won? Because behind every good man is a strong woman. I know they're saying that shit, so I'm fucking rooting for Tiger even though I had a bet with Keith Robinson. Every year we bet the masters and every year he picks Tiger

and then I pick a white guy, you know? It's sort of fun with racism and I send them texts like white power and this is a white man's game and you're not taking over this one. We'll give you, we'll give you football, we'll give you basketball. You know, black people actually took over baseball there for a minute then they just stopped giving a shit, you know? It's too boring, I don't know what it was. I like that when they do those things on sports shows.

We have to get more African-Americans at the end of the day of a baseball. They don't like it, you know? Why are you going to force a fucking sport down? You know what it is, it's because baseball sucks since they left. I actually know the Latinos saved it. What am I, a Def Jam comic? What's with all the race shit this week, Bill? You ever see a white person playing baseball?

Shit, motherfucker. Got his jersey all snug up on his nuts and shit. Do you guys see... What's his face? Manny Ramirez tested positive again. Ah, it sucks. Then he just, then he fucking skedaddled. Yeah, I'm retired, I'm going to go to spay with my dad.

I didn't like how Papal Bond was giving him shit. I thought that was a cunty move. I get it, you obviously didn't like the guy when he fucking played on your team, but you don't have to be a cunt and throw the guy under the bus saying all this shit that these guys are already going to say. It's kind of like this asshole here in the... One of those guys in the New York Post, you know? Those guys, one of those guys on Around the Horn.

That show that just makes absolutely no sense. I don't understand that show. I don't understand how the points work. I don't understand why that guy who sounds like somebody imitating somebody stupid, you know, hosts the show, is always clicking... Why he's in charge of the scoring. I don't understand it.

I don't get it. It's always like four guys talking at once. And I like Wally. That's his name. I don't get that fucking show. I think this guy is one of those guys on that show. So anyways, if you watch the Masters, which I've watched for the last three years,

I went to it last year. Two years ago, I watched Kenny Perry. I'm watching this guy. He looks like a regular guy. I'm like, oh great, he's going to win the Masters. And then I watched just the fucking wheels come off the entire last day and the guy completely chokes. And I got to tell you something, golf is the worst game to choke in.

You know, if you're a goaltender in the NHL and you let up a bad goal, I mean, how long does that take? You know, what? Fucking a split second. You let up another bad one. People boo you. I mean, what? You have a bad period.

They take you out of the fucking game. It's maybe a half hour of your life. And that's a long fucking time. You miss the big shot. You call a fucking timeout like Chris Weber or whatever, right? It's fucking over. It's done. You walk off the court.

That's it. I guess he gets shit for it still. Bill Buckner, ball rolls through his fucking legs and the, and the Mets win it. Right? How long did that take? Dude, you choke in golf. I guess I'm talking about the game itself.

I'm not talking about the amount of shit that you get afterwards because that's usually lifelong. Because I heard that Bill Buckner had to move to like Idaho with some shit. But what I'm saying is going through the agony of the choke is anywhere from a split second up to about, I don't know, 20, 25 minutes. But in golf, it's hours, hours and hours. It's like three hours watching this kid just all over the fucking course. And you know what?

He's 21 years old. I thought he handled it tremendously. He handled it tremendously. One point he kind of laughed and shook his head at one hole when he was standing in between a couple of houses. I've never seen houses on a golf course before in my life. That's how bad his shot was. It wrecked a shade off a tree.

His ball landed in like a kiddie pool. I'm telling you, folks, it was off the golf course. Jesus, I sucked this week. So this douche fucking writes, his shirt was stained in the front. Everybody's shirt was stained. You're playing fucking golf in the sun. Fucking fat fuck.

Your goddamn shirt was probably stained when you typed this. Listen to what this guy said. It was stained in the front, untucked in the back. A little boy lost. Rory McElroy trudged up the final holes at Augusta National on Sunday afternoon as if looking for somewhere to cry. His swagger had shriveled up into a stoop.

His boyish smile became gnawed lips. I want to ask somebody else, watch it. Did anybody see at any point where he was going to cry? I thought he held his composure. Granted, he played fucking horrific. He definitely maybe, you know, started to panic or whatever. I'm not a golfer. I don't know what the fuck happens. But he didn't look like he was going to cry.

I hate these fucking sports writers. You know what I mean? You already have a word count, so you've got to throw in another adjective in there. He's 21 fucking years old. And then what happens is when something like this happens in sports, then these fat fuck sport writers, who sucked in gym class, you know they did.

You know, they were the kids who got like the bloody nose and playing dodgeball. Then they just start turning up the fucking pressure. You know, that's what sucks about choking those because now everyone's going to be sitting there going like, you know. You had that collapse at the Masters. Have you had time to reflect? Even at the end, I thought he'd said it well.

He said, what's going on? What are you thinking about right now? And he just said, listen, it's too early. It's too early to reflect on what had just happened. I thought it was really fucking mature. Whatever. So I support the guy. I hope he fucking wins this goddamn thing again.

But fuck, I lost 50 bucks because Tiger ended up having a higher score than Rory. I just picked the top white guy. I started watching the second day, so then I bet with Keith. And now I owe that son of a bitch 50 bucks. You know what kills me is he's just going to blow it on another itchy sweater.

Alright, let's get into the podcast here for this week. What the hell am I here? Oh, another thing I have to hype. Another thing I have to hype this week is people have been asking me. I have a date at the punchline in San Francisco on Monday, May 9th, and people are asking me when the tickets go on sale.

They go on sale this Friday, April 15th. Alright, that's the deal. Go to the punchline San Francisco website, which of course I don't have that fucking information, but you can Google it, right? Anyways, let's talk about my weekend. I had two awesome shows. I had two awesome shows.

I did one at the record theater in Towson, Maryland, and then the next one I did was at the tower. The tower theater in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Legendary venue. I might add. You know, I'm all about the history. David Bowie recorded a live album there. First time Bruce Springsteen got a check for five grand.

It was standing on, but after he stood on that stage and performed, average white band record their live album. The fuck is it called? Cut the cake, pick up the pieces. I can see your pussy lips, whatever the fuck it's called. Dad always all recorded there. So I got to go down there

and become part of that fucking history, and it was awesome, man. I want to thank everybody who showed up, both to the Maryland gig and to the one out in Philly. Maryland gig was amazing, and then Philly just completely took it to a whole nother level. It was just an awesome, awesome crowd. And she had some lady, some lady came up to me

at the end of the show, and I had run out of DVDs. I didn't bring enough, and she was all bummed out. She goes, you know, my son was supposed to come tonight, but he's on house arrest. Hahahaha. So I go, oh, that's too bad. I ran out of DVDs.

She's like, that's all he wanted. He just wanted to meet you and get a DVD. So now my liberal side, I'm starting to feel bad. And I go, all right, well, you know, maybe you send me an email. Maybe I can send one out to him or whatever, right? And she goes, oh, my God, I would really appreciate that. And I went, wait a minute, wait a minute.

What did he do? You know, I don't want to send it out to some fucking pedophile. So I'm attempted racist. Some guy who's stealing music online. I'm fucking with you. So I guess it turned out some 18 year old kid punched his 11 year old brother. So her son, fuckhead that he is.

No, I'm kidding. Her son, 18 years old, went over and beat the shit out of the 18 year old because he beat up his fucking 11 year old brother and because we live in such a pussy time. Because that other kid basically got his ass kicked for doing what he did.

This kid ends up on house arrest. And can you believe that? Kind of a fucking country do we live in? Where the 18 year old older brother of an 11 year old who got beat up by an 18 year old can't then go over and kick the shit out of that 18 year old without sitting in his own fucking house missing a comedy show, you know?

So now I have to mail him a fucking DVD that's another goddamn branch off a tree in the rainforest. And what did that fucking kid learn? The other kid, what did he learn? That he's probably going to have a lawsuit, right? That it's profitable. His way of earning income

is to walk around and beat up 11 year olds who have older brothers. Oh, I tell you the hypocrisy. So anyways, I was sitting out there and I did this gig out there in Upper Darby, Philadelphia. Doesn't that sound nice? Upper Darby, Upper Class, Upper.

We're up on a hill. We're looking down on the poor people. That's not what Philly is like in Upper Darby. It was one of the most horrific neighborhoods I've ever driven through. I've never been like, you know, I don't mind driving through the projects during the day because the people I see on them are like,

alright, these are just fucking hard working people coming home from their jobs. The sun goes down. Basically, any way you're at, when the sun goes down, that's when the fucking assholes come out. Both in the inner city and out in the suburbs. There's no serial killer

walking around the suburbs out in the broad daylight. It comes out at night. This is one of the few neighborhoods during the fucking day. I can't even explain. I don't know, go Google some pictures. Upper Darby in Philly. It's possible that Americans have to fucking live this way.

Actually, my opening joke was after driving through that neighborhood, I was like, what the fuck is New Orleans bitching about? You know what they look like? These fucking houses, they look like... You know the end of all in the family when they're going down that horrific street of houses in Queens?

That's what it looked like. It looked like... except they were all rusted out. I swear to God, I thought they had like 10 roofs or something. So anyways, long story short, I have a 7.30 a.m. flight the next fucking day. Oh, by the way, the reason why I got lost going over there is because I was using my smartphone

and I'm using the little map thing and I swear to God, that fucking thing... I'm going back to maps, the Rand McNally. You know what I liked about the Rand McNally? At no point when I was looking at it, did it shut off. Did it go black? The screen went black and then I had to scroll my thumb down it

while I'm still trying to continue to drive. The whole fucking thing was horrific. I'm just, I'm completely... I'm going to go out on a limb here and say we have enough technology. What do you guys think? Am I crazy? Like that 3D TV?

Let me ask you guys this. Are you guys really going to go out and buy those fucking things? And then there's going to be the tipping point where more people have them than don't have them. So then eventually, I'm not going to be able to see shit on my regular fucking TV. 3D TV is the big... Is it not fucking clear enough with the HDTV? Is it not clear enough that I can see the fucking cartilage

inside the nose of the fucking newscaster? I mean, they kept saying that when I was watching the Masters of Hlares, the Masters in 3D. Like I really need to be sitting there bending back like I'm watching the Matrix as the golf ball goes flying over my fucking head. You know? Your living room. Outside.

Life is in 3D. Go for a fucking walk. It's a total scam. Think about it. I want to tell you guys this. Just think about this shit. Think about all the shit on 3D. Do you want to watch this?

Do you need to watch two and a half men in 3D? Wow, I feel like I'm sitting on the couch with them. Do you need to watch the news in 3D? I'm going to tell you right now. Sports in 3D is going to suck. It's going to suck. I'm going to tell you right now. It's going to...

I already think with the HDTV, it's getting to the point where it's so clear. It's like HD is like clearer than real life. I don't know. It's like a fucking acid trip. I remember one time I was watching this baseball game with this other comedian and we were sitting there watching the game

when HDTV first came out. We weren't even watching the game. He was pointing at somebody in like the third row going, look at that guy's shirt. Look how fucking orange his shirt is. It was literally an orange that did not exist in real life. So what happened? Everybody bought those fucking 3D...

bought the flat screen TVs. Now, old people with their little square TV from the greatest generation, they got to go out and buy a flat screen TV. They're breaking their fucking hip as they try to put it up on top of their old fashioned radio where they used to listen to FD and his fireside chats, right?

They finally get the fucking thing up there. The bankers took their entire retirement and now you cunts are going to go out and buy 3D TVs? It's going to fall down on their fucking old heads and that's going to be it. Please, people, please don't buy those 3D TVs. It's a fucking scam. What's going to happen with your old flat screen TV?

What are you going to do with that? Just going to throw it out. It's going to end up in the ocean. I was talking about this weekend. Are you going to be able to walk to Europe on old flat screen fucking TVs? You don't need it is what I'm trying to tell you. I can't remember the last time I fucking prayed

that a technology was going to bomb the way I have with those 3D fucking TVs. And I don't want to hear any of you fucking cunts sending me emails talking about the Discovery Channel and how the fucking dew from the goddamn Rainforest Frog is going to drip off right into your fucking lap. And if you smoke some weed, man, how fucking cool that's going to be

and then all the frat boys will go, porno, porno and 3D. What about fucking a real girl? What about that? You know? All right, I'm going to give you porno. I will give you porno. Because you know what's going to be great?

I can't wait for that fucking sex suit to come out. You know they're working on that like a full body sex suit. There's actually scientists working on that. Having mature conversations, you know, like not snickering at all. Talking about these fucking, as they're developing like these sex suits and basically what it's going to be.

Do you remember that little onesie that Arthur Fonzarelli used to wear when he'd be in his garage working on some fucking 1940s rusted out hunk of shit? Remember that thing that he would wear? It's kind of dirty version of like those jumpsuits that the caddies wear at the Masters. You know?

Of course, Brittany would wear one, roll it up and have her titties hanging out of it and talk, you know, saying like, oops, did I just touch your dick again? Whatever the fuck she used to sing about, right? Hey, do you know in Rolling Stone they had the top 100 artists of all time? And Madonna was like 50-something.

And I was going to get upset, but I was just like, you know what, how many pop stars can last fucking 30 years? But then I thought there was justice because they had like other famous artists writing like, you know, like Questlove would write the one for Prince you too would write the one for like,

you know, fucking Rolling Stones or whatever. But I thought it was really fitting that Britney Spears wrote the one for Madonna. Although it should have been Lady Gaga. She's doing her fucking songs, right? Like fucking word for word. She's doing a mashup without, without McDonald's lyrics over the top.

Is that what the fuck she's doing anyways? Let me get back to what the fuck I was talking about here. Which I can't even remember. The fuck is wrong with my brain this week? What the fuck was I just talking about? Oh Jesus Christ. You know what, I'm fucking Rory, whatever the fuck his name is right,

McElroy right now. Okay, I had this whole fucking thing one. It's the final days of the Masters and I'm just limping my way through 18 holes of this fucking podcast. This podcast right now is in between those two little bungalows. Just like Rory was on the fucking 13th

or the 15th fucking hole, whatever the hell it was. What happened to old fat tits? Phil Mickelson. I wanted him to win another one. I'll tell you, it killed me that I wasn't there with the Masters. If you ever get a fucking chance, you gotta go.

I went last year. I've been to a Super Bowl and it's never really bugged me that I didn't go to another one. It bugged me for the first couple of years, but once the game was over and I still had two grand in my pocket and I didn't have to go to an airport

and stand in line and do that horseshit again and fly home. It's never bugged me, but this one seriously bugged me that I wasn't there. You gotta go once in your life. You gotta go down to Augusta, but I gotta tell you,

it's one of the shittiest fucking... It's not even in a shitty neighborhood. It's just like, you know, when they show that, when you drive up and you look at the Georgia Pines, whatever the fuck they are, when you drive up to the clubhouse,

first of all, as a spectator, you're not allowed to drive up there and you never see it. You're not allowed to walk around that side of it. That's just for the players and the members. But right outside of that, like a half a mile away, is like a fucking Waffle House.

A Denny's, a JC Penney's, just like... just that shit, McDonald's, Ace Hardware Store. The way they shoot that thing is, they shoot the Masters the same way they shoot, like, Elvis's house. Like, when you look at Elvis's house,

it looks like it's just... like it's in Savannah, Georgia, or something. And then you go to Elvis's house and I swear to God, there's like an IHOP, like, right next door. And I was like, yeah, that makes sense. That's why he was so fat. He could just walk down his driveway,

I wanna go get some pigs and blanket, man. And he'd just go over there, you know. Was Elvis the first fat cokehead? You know, they talk about that, like most people who do coke, they're not a... they fucking lose weight or some shit, you know. I don't know.

You know, something... he got fat, too, before we really had all the preservatives in there. He was just fat on some... What the fuck was he eating? Peanut butter and fucking banana fried sandwiches on his fucking jet? Splitting his jumpsuits?

Oh, another jumpsuit, bringing it back around again. That's exactly what those caddies got those jumpsuits. All in the missing is the cape and they could come down on one knee. That's what they should do, come down on one knee, holding out the cape as somebody fucking putts for the masters.

That would add some excitement, wouldn't it? All right, let's get back to Philly. So anyway, I got a 7.30 a.m. flight. All right, so I'm thinking, all right. That means I gotta get up at fucking 5.30, return the rent a car and all that horseshit. Why don't I stay at a hotel right next to the airport? So, my travel agent gives me the whole list

of options of where I can stay. So I'm like, yeah, fine, fuck it, all right. I'd check them out. And one of them is the Sheridan. Sheridan, respected name. A very quality hotel. I say, I'm gonna stay there. And the price reflected that it was a quality hotel.

It cost me like, oh, you know, 180 bucks or something like that. It was a lot of fucking money. So, 199, something like that. For Philly, that's a lot of fucking money. Considering I was right outside Upper Darby. So anyways, here's my travel tip for you. Do not ever stay at the fucking Sheridan

at the Philadelphia International Airport. It is a beyond ghetto Sheridan. And it's so fucking ghetto that I knew it was a fucked up Sheridan before I even went into it. I pulled up and it looked fine. I got on my car, it looked fine. And as I walked into the place, as I was walking in, these four chicks were coming out

and they just looked like whores from a reality show. Awful tattoos on their feet. Titties up and pushed together. These cheap ass looking stripper shoes. And I went out, no. Oh, no, not a bad hotel, please God. Please, I started praying to the travel gods. Please, please don't let this be a bad hotel.

I'm like, at first I was like, what are these, like call girls? Did they just get done servicing some fucking married business guy on the road? Is that what they did? But it was like 12 noon. It's like no, no call girls are up at 12 noon. They already wiped fucking washed off the vaginas,

hosed them down at like 8 in the morning. And now they just fell asleep, face down in a fucking pile of glitter. And they're not going to wake up again until like 5 in the afternoon. That's how it works. And they wake up, they fucking, you know, I don't know what they do, you know, they put some fucking vitamin E on the, on the

ligature marks around their neck from the night before. You know, you know, it's fucked up about ligature. Nobody ever uses that statement unless somebody got choked to death. You know, ligature marks. There's never any ligature marks because you know why? Because these girls who are into that type of shit, if they survive the encounter, they fucking, they, they wear that little,

that little ascot the next day around their neck, you know, the hoary one, a choker. That's what they wear to cover it up. You ever have a girl want you to do that? Want you to choke her? I mean, one time I was with this girl, right? And she, she, all this type of shit. She wanted me to slap her in the face

and all this, all this crazy shit that, that all these fucking women shows, they never address, they never address the amount of fucking women that like that, they like it rough. It's fucking insane. Unless I just keep picking the same kinds of fucking women, but it's ridiculous.

The amount of fucking bros that I've gone out with, you know, fucking women's live, fucking blah, blah, blah. My career comes first. If we get married, I'm not taking your last name. Yada, yada, fucking yada. Right? Then you get them in, you know,

the fucking all pro women, there's pro women that, and I'm making my own money and fucking, you know, and a couple other fucking lyrics from some stupid Beyonce song, right? All that fucking horseshit. You're gonna respect me, eyeball the eyeball,

the images of women on TV, all that fucking horseshit, and then you get them back to your place and lo and behold, they have a rape fantasy, you know? Am I the only guy? Am I the only fucking guy? So anyway, so I was seeing this fucking broad, right? And she's going to fucking college.

She's getting her MBA and all that type of shit. So this is the first girl she ever asked me. She told me that she wanted me to choke her. And I was like, no, I'm not doing that. And she's like, why not? And I said, well, because I'm not fucking going to call the cops. Like, how am I going to talk my way out of that

if you fucking pass out? And I got my fingerprints around your goddamn neck and your naked body. I mean, that just sounds like one of those fucking things from, even if you come around, I'm going to have some sort of fucking assault charge. And then you're going to feel guilty

because everybody's going to know because the cops are there. So then you're just going to be like, yeah, I didn't want them to do it. So you can somehow skip away with your fucking integrity. I'm not doing it. Of course I did.

Of course I did eventually. But there's a technique. I can't explain. You got to be, you got to make sure you're up a little higher and underneath. And you got to, you got to do it and then not be doing it. Do it and then not do it.

Don't just fucking grab it. Like, you don't grab the next like fucking David Tyree and the helmet catch. You don't want to do that because you're going to, you're going to choke them out. You know, unless you're really good at CP. I don't fucking end up talking about that shit.

That's a really, you know something, I'm going to talk about that in my act. Jesus, that ought to bring the psychos out. I'm going to talk about that in my act. You just heard a fucking preview of a joke. I really want to bring that up. The amount of fucking women, they got that thing, right?

They're all independent in that type of thing. Then you get them in the bedroom. It's not like you want, they want you to kick the shit out of them, but they got that, there's that fucking line. They want to feel the man's power, but still feel like safe.

Overpower me, but like, do it in like, a nice way, but not nice, but nice. Do you know what I mean? I know exactly what you mean, you filthy fucking whore. All right, I have to get off, I got to get off this subject. This is just going to get too freaky

to be talking about this by myself. This is the Choke I'm Out podcast everybody. So anyway, so I see these fucking, just these, these whores, father didn't stick around, you know, George Foreman grill, eating fucking, just, just never had a chance.

Four girls just coming out, just never had a fucking chance. And you know, just dressed like fucking truck stock, fucking whores. And the sad thing is, is they think they look good. And they don't even realize

the vibe that they're putting out. They don't know any better. They don't fucking know any better. All right, there was a rusted out car in their front yard, the day they were born, and they never had a fucking chance. You know,

the only fucking male voice that was in their household when they was growing up was the Billy Bass that their fucking dad left behind. You know what I mean? Just, they just never had a fucking chance. So that was my first red flag.

Now it's gone out. Maybe they used some sky miles. Is that how they got in here? And I just walked in, the second I walked in, I just, I just tell, the caliber of human being that was in there,

straight across the board here. All right? The caliber of white person, the caliber of black person, the caliber of fucking male, female. You just can tell. You know what I mean? Saw some black dude,

you know, when they get their hair braided, they don't have enough money to fucking get it braided enough, so they got all those little hairs sticking out of it, you know? So you can't see the scalp in between the braids, you know? It's not looking fucking right.

It's just not looking right. The fucking white dude with the cheap Anderson little suit, the fucking creased up brown loafers with this gold LeMay horseshit on the front of it. You know, shoes look like they cost 11 bucks,

and I'm just going, oh no. Oh God, at least let the fucking room be clean, you know? So I check in, behind the counter, she was nice enough, you know? I don't know how she ended up

at this fucking Sheridan. Maybe she stepped out of line at the big stockholders meeting. This is, this is their, their Sheridan Siberia. So then I go up to my room, and it's weird. It had like one of the,

it almost looked like a little house. You come walking in, there's a door, and right next to it, there's this big window for some stupid fucking reason. If I want to overlook half the elevators

in the fucking poor excuse for a pool that they had. So the blinds were down, right? So I open it up, and it's just sweet. I'm like, nice. It was a nice room. It wasn't bad at all.

So I'm in there for like five fucking minutes, and I hear this knock on the door, right? The guy fucking knocks on the door. It was covered in foam. So that's what it sounded like. And I open the door, and there's a guy standing there

with this giant coffee table. And he goes, and he's trying to walk in with this giant coffee table. I'm like, whoa, whoa, I got it. You got the wrong room. I didn't order a table. He goes, no, no.

This table is, your room's missing a table. I'm like, it is. They go, yeah, yeah. The last people who were here broke the other table. I was like, Jesus Christ, what, did they have like

a party or something? And he went, yeah. I thought he was going to say no. He went like, yeah. And I go, well, did they fucking fumigate the place? Now I think everything's been gizzed on.

I mean, you know, I'm laying in fucking angel dust and cocaine and shit, you know, keeps getting worse. Then I'm sitting there for another couple of minutes and then I just hear this lady

telling this story. Right? And I'm like, is that at least a guest? Is it at least a guest? And I fucking open the blinds to my window. And she's one of the people

cleaning the rooms. Just cursing up a fucking storm. Loud as fucking hell. Like all broke people. Broke people are the loudest fucking people because they live near the freeways. They live near the subway.

They used to shout and over shit. So she's out there, this motherfucker trying to tell me what time it is, baby. Right? And just scream it. And you know how much I curse. Okay?

I was offended. And you know how much I curse. I was just like, Jesus Christ, can you please, I might have kids someday. Can you please stop cursing like that?

But I didn't say shit. Because I mean, at that point, I knew what was going to happen. I would have been like, I just would have been like, excuse me. Can you be family?

Can you just not, motherfucker, why don't you mind your own business? Ain't nobody talking to you, baby. Right? I didn't want to go through that whole fucking thing and her screaming at me.

Plus she was so fucking big. She was, chokeslammy. And we would have had to have a new fucking table in my room. Third fucking table that week. And I'm a conservationist.

Is that the right word? So I'm like, all right, fuck it, whatever. So I don't say shit. So then I go out to go do my show. And of course,

I'm using my stupid smart phone. I get lost. I'm driving through Upper Darby. And it's just like, you know, a fucking the white guy

driving through there looking down at his phone up. Yeah, can't see it. Can't see it to see where I am. You know, everything but roll down the window. Excuse me, hustlers.

Could you just stop hustling for a second? I could just wondering if you could direct me in the direction of this theater that I'm performing in tonight. You know, horrific. So,

I was so fucking mad. I really got to get my temper together. I was so fucking mad. I could feel myself when my screen, every time I had to go to make a turn, I'm looking down at my map

and the fucking phone would go black, you know, to save the battery. And it was always when I needed to make a decision that I would miss a turn. And I got to the point,

I was squeezing my phone and I knew what I was, I was going to take it and I was just going to smash it down on the, whatever you call that, the fucking thing that you, not a gear shifter.

I guess it is gear. I think you put it in gear. It's not a stick shift. You know what the fuck I'm saying. I was just going to smash the screen on that. And I knew that I, I had my temper and control enough that I knew I couldn't do that shit.

So what I did was, I just started screaming over and over again, fuck you at my phone. I was yelling fuck you at my, in my car, yelling fuck you with a phone. That's why my voice is all scratchy right now.

Not because I had, I screamed for two shows because I was screaming at my cell phone. So anyways, I finally ended up getting there. I ended up doing the show. It's fucking phenomenal.

And whenever, whenever I, do a show at a place like that, um, you know, there's always some guy who's been working the theater for like 20, 30 years.

And I always walk up to the guy and go, you don't have to say any names, just tell me some stories. And this guy was telling stories about, you know, hanging out with Motley Crue, back during the hair metal days and going out to strip clubs.

And he said he was there when Guns N' Roses came through on the Appetite for Destruction tour. He said afterwards, he was standing in their tour bus and they're looking out their windshield at a sea of groupies. And at one point,

one member, I'm not going to name names, looked out and said, what's up with those two? And the guy said, oh, that, that's actually, believe it or not,

though those aren't sisters, that's a mother and a daughter. And I guess they were really hot. And the dude was like, oh yeah, bring them on the bus. Dude, in my next life, I want to be a fucking musician,

just to have the opportunity to have that level of groupie. Oh, just fucking unreal. So anyway, so I drove to Upper Darwin. He was just unbelievably depressing that people have to live that way. Fellow Americans have to live that way.

And that we're always sitting here, fucking acting like we give a shit about other countries and we need to help out. We don't. All right? Well, we, I mean, you give a shit or I give a shit,

but our government doesn't. We're worming our way in there to help them out, air quotes, so we can take their natural resources. All right? That's how it is. That's what the fuck is really going on. If you ever wondered why.

All right? They don't give a fuck about Upper Darby, New Orleans, or whatever fucking, all those blue-collar towns that are failing out there in Ohio. They don't give a shit about them because they already own them.

So if there's any oil to be had, they can just go in and suck it out of the ground. That make any fucking sense. So anyway, so I go back to my ghetto ass fucking Sheridan. All right? I come walking in there and at this point,

it's one in the morning. Now, if it was one in the morning and I was at a nice hotel, that'd be the usual thing. There would be some people hanging down at the bar, you know, drinking, getting ready to cheat on their spouses.

Dressed nicely though. All right? But because it was a ghetto fucking Sheridan, I went down there and most of the people in the lobby were children running around, screaming. One in the morning, kids just running around. I felt like I was in fucking Atlantic City.

You know, those gamblers, degenerate gamblers, they don't fucking handle their kids right, right? So just to see a fucking children. I mean, I was waiting for fucking, you know, the only thing I was missing was somebody there, you know, gathering them.

You could have had a children's choir. That's how many fucking kids were there. So I go up the elevator and I get out, get out of the elevator and I walk back up to my little, you know, I told you, the front of the room looked like a house and there was a door

and then there's the window. And as I'm looking, I'm at the door, as I'm looking down to take out my hotel key, I look down and on the windowsill is a three quarter eaten chicken wing. Sitting on the fucking windowsill. I got pictures to prove it. They're all gonna be up on the MMPot

MMPodcast.com. Whatever the fuck it is. Is that the name of the website? I don't know the name of the fucking website. The hell's wrong with me? Yeah, the MMPodcast.com. If you go up there, I'll have all these pictures, the pictures of the Tower Theater and all that.

I didn't take any pictures when I was driving through Upper Darby for obvious fucking reasons. I didn't want to be, you know, I just, I would not want to be taking pictures down there because people either think you're a cop or you're just documenting their level of poverty, which would be fucking annoying to me

if I was in that situation. So anyways, with that, that was my, oh, and then the next morning I woke up and I dropped my car off at budget. It was fucking hilarious. One of these hilarious racial moments here is I go to get on the bus. The bus driver's black.

Five white guys get on it. He asks us where we're going. I got US Air. This guy says this, blah, blah, blah. So we're driving in that and he's listening to this preacher because it's Sunday morning and the guy, you know, he's talking about,

you know, people need to be into Jesus and blah, blah, blah. All this, you know, regular Jesus shit, right? But then all of a sudden, he starts talking about Obama and he just starts kind of trashing white people. Just going, we should be giving thanks to Jesus that a strong black man is president and is not afraid to stand up

to the white supremacist that we run in this country. And he's got it cranked. And I'm sitting there fucking and all I did, it's just because I wanted to have the laugh. I just turned around and looked at all the other four white guys and then everybody's just sort of sitting down looking at their wingtips like, really? What exactly is the call here?

Can we say something? You know, excuse me, we're not all white supremacists. You know, like what exactly is the proper response to that? Because I thought it was, I don't know, I actually thought it was fucking hilarious. I wish I could remember what the guy was saying. Ah, Jesus, now I'm fucking bombing again on this fucking podcast.

All right, let's get through the rest of the... What do I got to do? What do I got to do? Oh, hey, wait a minute. Fucking NHL playoffs are coming up, everybody. Are you excited? Are you like me? Do you like watching hockey?

Bruins, Canadians once again. We're playing those fucking cunts up there with all their championships. Before I read about the history of the NHL, the less impressed with the Montreal Canadiens I am. I mean, I used to kind of give them shit because I'm like, dude, you dominated a six-team league. And they didn't even dominate the six-team league.

It's like them and Toronto. Montreal and Toronto basically had the same amount of cups right through the early 60s. Montreal was ahead, but not by much. And then I found out later that the Canadian teams had... I couldn't give them shit because the Bruins were there too, so it's like, well, why didn't you guys do it? And I found out one of the main fucking reasons

is the way the league was set up. Any French-born Canadian player, the Canadian teams had first dibs on those guys. That's why they got all the fucking great guys. So it was like Toronto and Montreal were just like the Yankees and Red Sox fucking buying up everything. I don't respect them. I don't respect those championships.

What do you think about that, Montreal? And that would happen. All of a sudden, you didn't have first fucking choice, right? And now look, now you don't go on a run anymore. You want it 93, you want it 86, and that's it. And don't even talk to me about the 70s, okay? I don't even fucking hear it because that was still the fallout of the old system.

And you had to give those expansion six teams a chance to get on their feet. And once they did, that was the end of you guys. So I'm not fucking impressed. So fuck you and all your fucking cops. Here come the Bruins. And you know what? Keep your fucking head up or we're going to slam you into that turnbuckle, whatever the fuck they call it again.

That son of a bitch up there faking his fuck. It's the worst concussion ever. Three days later, he's at the movies. He's at the movies. All right, I'm just fucking with you. Okay, Bruins Canadian is going to be an awesome series and Kerry Price is playing great. So it should be phenomenal.

I don't think the Bruins are going to win the Stanley Cup. I just don't think we have enough guys. And I just think that despite the fact that we have two great goaltenders, I just think that there's a lot of goaltenders playing great. Kerry Price is playing great. Hendrick Lundquist is playing tremendous. Who else? Who else is playing good out there?

Oh, you got, you got what's his face up there? And I can't ever remember the fucking names. Who plays, who plays goalie up there in Buffalo? Is it Bill Murray? Is that what his name is? We call him Bill Murray. Bill Murray. And then you got fucking Roberto Luongo and his cousin,

Theo Fleury's third cousin who plays out there in fucking Pittsburgh. I'm the worst. Whenever I have to remember a name, I can't remember a fucking name. So whatever, I think it's going to be great. I just don't see it. I will be really happy if we can actually make it to the Eastern Conference finals. You know, that's my thing. Just, you know what?

Hey, I'm, I'm, I'm beaten down as a fan. As long as we don't go up three games to none and then lose four in a row again, I'm going to consider this year a victory. But I do not on any level want to lose to the hated fucking Habs. And I'm fucking with you about your cups, but not really. Okay, let's get it on to advice this week, everybody. All right. Hey, Bill, I always feel like you give great advice. Well, thank you.

So I thought maybe you could give me some on this situation. I was in a local shop a few weeks ago and there was a little hottie working there. I had seen her there once before and both times she really caught my attention. I had the urge to ask her out while I was there, but I was too busy being a fag. And I did not say anything to her other than some idle nonsense about sunglasses I was looking at. Oh, that's the worst. The little bit we did talk though, she seemed really cool and really nice. My advice is how can slash should I ask her out without looking like coming off like a creeper, a douchebag.

I'm a good looking guy, have a great career as an attorney, but when it comes to ladies, I can be shy sometimes. See, that's a very strong thing that you're able to admit that, but every guy just went, oh, what's the matter you fucking fag? Go up and say something to her. That's how guys handle it. We just beat it out of each other. Okay.

We said what I'm trying to work on. He says every once in a while you see a girl that blows you away and this time I wanted to do something about it. All right. All right, dude, this is what you got to do. You got to work on your self-esteem. Okay. You know you're a good looking guy and you have a great career.

Believe it or not, that's game set and match. Do you know the amount of fucking not even good looking guys who have a shit job and they're just scumbags, but they're assholes who are out there fucking crushing it every goddamn weekend because just have the balls to walk up and talk to these women, you know? This is what you got to do. You actually know what you got to do. You said you can be shy sometimes, but you're saying you're working on it.

So there you go. Just keep working. Look, dude, if you're a good looking guy and you're a fucking attorney, he actually said something here. I'm hoping to see you at Caroline's in May if my dickhead friends can get this shit together. If they can't, maybe with your stellar advice, I can even bring this hottie to the show.

Why don't you just do that? Go in there, make a laugh, joke around with her or anything and just fucking lay it on the line. Listen, I'm really attracted to you. I think you're beautiful. Whatever the fuck you want to say it. And just say, you know, I think it's always good if you have somewhere that you're going.

Just say I'm going to this comedy show. I'm really into this stand-up comedian. I have an extra ticket. What you like to go to? Women like going to stuff. You know, it gives them excuse to get dressed up. It gives them excuse to not feel fucking guilty when they're blowing you later

because they actually went to some sort of ball or some shit, you know? God, even with advice, I'm awful this week. The essence of it is there. All right, you already talked to her. Just go in there again. You're not going to come off like a creep. I actually think that it's easier to pick somebody up and get that number, at least back in the day.

I have no game left anymore because I've been in a relationship too long. But I always found that it was easier for me to get a girl's phone number at the fucking gym. Gym's a little bit harder, but like, I used to do it on, I used to get it on the subway. Oddly enough, I had a better chance there than I did in some meat market bar

because I was never good when females had their guards up. When they knew what play I was running, some guys can do that. They're like the old Packers. Like everybody knew the Packers sweep was coming and they, Forest Greg still fucking ran over you. And some guys are like that. Even when women know they got their fucking guard up

and they know what the fuck they're doing, they can still plow through it. They run over. They run right over those girls like Forest Greg. And next thing you know, they're laying on their backs with their legs up in the air and they get the dick. I was never that guy. I was, I snuck up on you.

I waited for something stupid to happen that I could comment on. And then I get the girl laughing and then when her fucking defenses were down, I'd wrestle her cell phone out from her fingers. No, I would have, I'd somehow get her number. So what I would do is I would just go in there and I'll just keep re-explaining this 20 fucking times.

Dude, take us to my show. All right, look at me. I'll make a little money out of this advice. So now you got somewhere that you're going to take her. Take her out, you know, a little dinner. You can see a comedy show. She's already fucking laughing halfway through my act. You do the ol' laugh in your ass off.

Don't try to put your arm around her shoulder. That's old school, right? You put it right on her fucking thigh. You know, and then you sort of start creeping up there with your fingers, you know, like you're sort of thinking about something, going pinky, ring, middle, index. You just sort of work your way up like an inchworm.

The next thing, you know, if your fingers are nimble enough, you know, you stretch out your pinky and it's kind of rubbing right on her click there. And then you get made fun of me because you guys are fucking walking out during my closing bit to go bang at the fucking W around the corner. Dude, it's right there.

It's a layup. It's a fucking layup. All right, next one. Hey, Bill, huge fan of the podcast and all your stand-up and have made all my friends big fans of yours as well. I really enjoy the relationship advice. All right. People actually are starting to address the fact

that I've never been married. Why am I taking your fucking advice? Here's my situation. I'm 29, recently graduated from medical school. After a good number of years honing my boning skills in the free market, I'm ready to calm down and have a serious girlfriend. Ironically, the girl that I'm dating

and wanted to get serious with was actually my college girlfriend and first love. We dated throughout college but broke up before attending different medical schools. During our years together, I cheated a lot but to my knowledge, never got caught. A big part of the reason I was so promiscuous besides being your typical piece of shit cocky asshole guy

full of testosterone, was because she was very sexually inhibited. No blowjobs. The routine, conventional positions, sex about once every other day and that just wasn't cutting it for me. Now, in every other category, she was amazing. Fun to hang out with,

but still ladylike, caring, respectable, educated, fashionable and extremely beautiful. So like I said before, we broke up for about five years and are back dating again. And the sex is exactly the same. Now, while I'm grateful that some guy didn't completely smutter out during our breakup,

I did expect some sort of sexual maturation. Blowjobs remain few and far between and pretty sub par even for a black chick. This guy's black, by the way, before you think this is something fucked up. What makes it even more difficult this time around is after banging my fair share of broads in our off season,

my sexual prowess has grown significantly. It's hard because I really want to be faithful this time around and take the relationship more seriously but I fear I'm not going to be sexually satisfied. My greatest fear is ending up like one of my father's friends who I always hear complaining about how shitty their sex lives have become after marriage. How I should have had all my fun now and blah blah blah

stereotypical castrated married man background noise. Fuck that extra sad shit. I'm not getting married unless I know my wife is going to be a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets. How do you like that old African American mantra? My question is how serious should I take this problem? Should I be patient and hope that I can liberate her

sexually or should I bail and keep searching for a godfaring dinner cooking super freak? If you don't mind asking, if you don't mind asking Nia as well, I'd like to hear what the sister has to say. Oh shit, I should have read that to her. By the way, I'm also black so when you get to is it racist, racist, racist?

No, I'm allowed to say sisters. Alright, you know what? I really wish I'd read that part of what I had her in here but she's not around today. What should you do? Alright, number one, don't cheat on her. What you should do is you should communicate this to her. Obviously not the way you just said it to me.

Oh Jesus, this is tough. I'd have to ask you some questions. Let me ask you this, do you feel she has the potential? That would be my number one thing. Alright, this is how I would do it. Alright, fuck this. Now I'm back on track. This is what I would do.

First thing I would do is I would see if she has the potential. Alright, if she's a good kisser, if she has a good touch, if when you're banging her, you don't feel like you're fucking riding in the back of a delivery truck. The rhythm's there. She has the basic tools. Alright, because some people, they just don't. They're not blessed with the touch.

They're not good kissers. And a lot of females, not a lot, but enough are. That's another thing they never bring up. They always talk about how guys don't know shit in bed and you just blah, blah, blah, blah. But there's a lot of women out there who, they don't know shit either. Not saying they're bad or whatever,

but some of them just are just never going to be good. So if you feel she has the potential, then there's hope. So what you have to do is you have to basically, what I used to tell my friends, we used to joke around, just say, you got to tap into her inner whore. Alright, and there's a couple of ways to do it. One of them, and it's very delicate, dude. It's like one of those fucking action movies

sitting there trying to clip the right fucking wire as it's, you know, eight seconds left. There's a couple of ways you go about it. One of the ways is, well, first of all, there's a couple of rules. One, as she's trying to open up with you sexually or whatever, don't ever judge anything that she wants to do or try and don't ever make fun of anything that she said in bed.

If she says some dumb shit, which she's probably going to say, because you sound like you're way more experienced, if she's trying to talk dirty for the first fucking time and she says some dumb shit, do not laugh. Simply turn her around in doggy style and then you get your laugh out, alright? You got to do the quiet, but don't ever do that. That is, like, someone is never more vulnerable

than in that especially a female. You can't do that. And then what I would do is I would just basically figure out what she's into. Try to figure out what some of her fantasies are, alright? So that's how I would start it. Find out what some of her fantasies are and you start getting her down that road.

And then as you're going down that road and you're not judging her and you're not making fun of anything, you're just supportive as she goes down that fucking road, then she'll gain confidence and then hopefully that'll happen. And one of the ways to kind of lead her down the road is try to tell her some of the shit that you're into that you've never done with her.

Now don't go all the way down to the road, you know, your five years of fucking horrific shit you did. Just always be a couple of paces out in front of whatever sexual shit that she admitted that she wanted to do. So that way her shit doesn't seem as freaky because it's a couple of steps behind you but you don't completely freak her the fuck out by, you know, talking about some German porn shit, alright?

So that's what I would do, alright? And that's what I have been doing throughout the years. Nia, look who just walked in. Somebody actually asked your advice because you were working out. Do you want to do this? Okay, alright, you know what? I don't have my other microphone,

so we actually have to be over here. Let me ask you this shit real quickly. I'll give you the basic overview. Alright, there was a guy, right? He sees this girl, they like each other, the college sweethearts, everything about her was great. Nia's a little under the weather here, alright? Her fucking allergies are kicking up.

Let me hear your voice, say hello. Hello. And you worked out, what a fucking trooper. Alright, real quick. So, everything. Hanging out, they laughed at each other's jokes. The whole shit was perfect, but then they went to different medical schools.

Alright, so they broke up for a while. And during the, you know, the five years, and I guess this guy cheated a lot when he was with her. And now five years have gone by, he got his freak out. If you saw the look of disgust on her face. He did all this shit. So now he's back together with her. Alright, and he was kind of hoping,

like when he was with her. Missionary position, very like, if you were going to make like a high school video on how to have sex. The male takes out his penis, what a roused. Like they were having that kind of sex, and no blowjobs whatsoever. So, now he's gotten back together with her.

He wants to be serious. He's gotten all this, hopefully all this bullshit out. And now he's back with her, and the sex is basically the same. Now there's a couple of blowjobs. So, he's wondering, how does he get her to tap into her inner whore? Should he pursue,

should he pursue this relationship? Like, okay. How does a guy do that? Like, I said basically how I do it. Oh, she's already just saying give me the mic. Alright, go ahead. Well, first of all, just because you enjoy sex in different ways, doesn't make you a whore.

He doesn't have to tap into her inner whore. Just more freedom sexually. Has he tried to talk to her? You don't need to clarify it, okay? I'm not saying she's a whore, we understand this, okay? Well, I felt the need to clarify it. Did he try to have... You want to put your fist in the air for women?

Yes, I do. Did he try to talk to her about this before, and she just ignored it? I don't think he's talked to her about it yet. That's the first step, is that he's got to talk to her. That's what I said, look at that. I wonder why she didn't give him blowjobs. Maybe she just doesn't like giving blowjobs.

Maybe she doesn't know how, but it could be fun to explore together. So he should, yeah, he should ask her about it. Okay, so that's basically what I said. You know what's the worst is when women say they can't do it because they have TMJ, and it's like... That just means they don't like to do it.

Some people don't like to do it, you know? It's not that great for the other person, but it's like some people don't like it. Some guys don't like to go down on girls. It's just a preference, like... Okay. All right, so you basically said what I said. I thought you were going to come in here with some sort of...

No, I agreed with you. Yeah, does that make you feel bad? No, but I just, yeah, I thought I would be coming at it in a different, more rational, sensitive way. But you said the same thing, huh? Yeah, but not as sensitively. I said all the whore shit.

Yeah. All right, Nia. Get over here. Get a hug. I'm coming towards the end of the podcast. All right? All right, there you go. Now get out of here because you've been more than helpful. All right?

She just gave me the finger. Now, you know what it is, Nia? Whenever you're on the podcast, and then the podcast segment ends, I don't know how to smoothly transition you out of here because we don't go to commercial. Why don't I just go, ladies and gentlemen, Nia. Nia, everybody.

Thanks so much, Nia. See you next time. See you next time. You were great. Now, what the fuck just happened to my... I hate computers. It just signed me off, and I was on a nice little fucking roll here. And now I can't get back

into my fucking... How is this easier, people? I want people to... Now I have to go into my fucking... My stupid Apple works. All right, here I am. I can... All right. I'm going to read one more of these,

and that's going to be the podcast for this week. All right. Hey, Bill. I need an outside perspective. My wife left me a year and a half ago to go blow college guys and spend her newly raised salary on clothes and purses. Not kidding. That's what she did.

After nine years and two kids, I found out that she had two short affairs after each kid was born. Then left me with our five-month-old baby and two-year-old. I had been raising without her anyways. Jesus. Oh, Jesus.

A year later, she finally started trying to share custody. She didn't have her half of daycare. Sorry, people. Every once in a while, I go back to my bad reading habits. Let me just take a breath here. Step back. Focus. All right. A year later,

she finally started trying to share custody. Okay, so after she's gone out, I go blow college guys and spend all her money she just got on her newly higher salary. A year later, she finally started trying to share custody. She didn't have her half of

daycare. Bill for a few months, even though she doubles my income. So I told her she could pay me back. Now the cunt gets her tax return and tells me to fuck off. She's not repaying me. She's going to get a card to replace the one she totaled in a DUI.

Jesus, where did you meet this winner? I'm pissed off and can't blaster in the jaw. So what do I do? I'm thinking of hiring a crackhead to spray paint deadbeat on her fucking car. From one asshole to another, thanks Bill, the podcast and all three CDs

have helped me through a lot of tough shit by laughing off the retarded shit that this cunt does. All right, dude. Yeah, you picked a winner here. This is like, this is one of these ones that you should ask Dr. Drew about who's amazing and he would hit

his half court shot and tell you exactly what's going on. There's just something going on with her where she has affairs right after she has kids. I don't know what that is, but that's triggering something inside of her. I don't know if she gets freaked out with the level of

responsibility and she wants to, I don't know, do a bunch, go sew her oats in a female fucking way. Feeling like, I don't know. You know, sometimes women have babies and then they have that postpartum depression. She has some sort of

postpartum like you know, hedonism that she just goes out and turns into the fuckfest 2011. So what you have there, dude, you have damaged goods. There's no way you can ever fucking trust her again. You got two kids so

don't do anything to her. All right. This is like in sports where when somebody comes up and slashes you the ref never sees it, but when you retaliate you always end up getting the fucking 5-minute major.

This is what's going to happen. She's going to do all this dumb shit. You're going to hire people to do stuff. I know you're not going to literally do that, but you're going to try to exact some sort of revenge and I don't know. The decent person always seems to get caught. I would avoid doing that. This is how you get your revenge

is I would just focus on being a great dad for those two kids in all honesty. I know that's a ton of work and it's easy for me to say when I don't have any kids and I never ever bad mouth their mother

to them. Never do that. You know, have a buddy of yours where you can just vent and just talk about what a cunt she is as you're punching the bar but never do it in front of your kids because that's still their mother. Eventually they'll figure out

what an irresponsible whore she is and that's going to be your great payback is in that moment, not only are they going to realize what an irresponsible whore their mother is is they're going to realize what a great dad they have

which is obviously going to be priceless and in the meantime I would ask myself is if this lady if this is the kind of have you met a girl like this a number of times is it just bad luck

or do like every woman every woman that you've dated is like this because if that is the case there's something about these kinds of women that you're attracted to and as I use that analogy you keep fishing in the same poison pond I think I think because you got two kids

you want to go out and go meet a winner do that where you're going to meet a decent girl go out and go take a cooking class I just gave Ania for her birthday a fucking almost a goddamn year ago she finally got around to it a couple of gourmet cooking classes

and she went there and it's kind of like a little scene you know people bring wine in you're cooking there's all that fucking people that taste and shit all the senses are going you get in the room you go in there you fucking knock a couple out or whatever join a softball league

I don't know what although there's a lot of boozing with softball you know probably going to get some bloated whore there you might want to stay away from that maybe that's where you go to vent about what a fucking whore your wife is but dude you know what you're a great fucking guy you're doing the right thing

you're sticking with your kids and you're even supporting her even though she's making more fucking money she's a loser and your kids will be 18 one day and then this bitch will be out of your life so who gives a fuck alright in the meantime yeah focus on being a good dad

get yourself in great shape I don't know find some fucking way to do something social go meet a great woman I can't say there's plenty of great women out there it's just like guys they're out there go find one

and just ask them during the day are you an irresponsible whore because I really just got out of a relationship with an irresponsible whore and I'm not trying to do that and talk about cheating ask if they ever cheated on somebody here's another great question to ask

ask if their parents are still together that's a great one to ask the parents are still together if they get along with their parents they come from a strong background that's a good one to ask that's a good place to start off and that's it I'm done trying to be Dr. Bill here for the week hour and six minute podcast

once again I'm going to be down at the Catalina Jazz Club doing a benefit for all those people out there in Japan fellow human beings who also live on a fault line just like I do so hopefully somebody out there will do a fucking comedy show for when LA falls into the fucking ocean

so I'm paying it forward alright so come on down all the proceeds will go out to help the victims of that Catalina Jazz Club down on Sunset Boulevard I just tweeted about it at billbird.com I think that's it we got all the YouTube videos

I didn't get a chance to describe the YouTube videos this week but they're fucking hilarious some guy has a potato gun that he shoots a bunch of pubes onto a passed out guy that's one of them and it just goes from there it just goes from there

so go to the M.M. Podcast to watch all that if you want to see the pictures go to our theater and me working with Joe DeRosa the teen idol sensation from the opian anthony program I have all of those and I have a picture of that fucking chicken wings sitting on my window sill

just in case you think I was making it up that's it everybody have a great week go fuck yourselves and I'll talk to you next week oh wait don't hang up don't hang up I almost forgot I almost forgot I told you that I was going to bring in the the outtake

last week this is like a special track remember that back in the day when you'd buy like a CD and they'd say there'd be like 15 songs but it would say 16 tracks and they would just let the tape run and run and run and run and then you'd find the that little gem at the end

I think this is the podcast version because I already signed off alright just to set this up this was me last night after getting like 4 hours sleep flying across this country and the masters and I'm trying to tell that Sheridan

story and up until this point it just had not been funny and I think I met the part of the story where the guy was bringing the new table to replace the broken table in and I was trying to explain it in a funny way

it wasn't funny and I just I just fucking tapped out and this is the clip hope you enjoyed I'll talk to you next week I was like Jesus Christ then I heard an argument between a man and a woman as I was walking back downstairs

and later on that night when I came back from my gig there was a fucking half eaten chicken wing sitting on the window sill of my room I got a picture of it you know I actually you know something when I knew

something was up when I went to check into my room I there was a knock at my door five seconds later and the guy goes oh hey he's got this big table I'm like dude you got the wrong room I didn't order a table he said no no no he said this this table belongs in your room

he goes somebody broke it here last night and I was like Jesus what was there a party here or something he was like yeah I go well did you fumigate the place or is it just all jizz and coke residue in here and he just laughed shook his head and left

and that's when my ass knew I was in a ghetto ass motherfucking Sharon and baby this podcast sucks I think possible think possible

think possible think possible