Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-11-22

Episode Date: April 11, 2022

Bill rambles about the Masters, souvenirs, and Turtle Wax. Indochino: Get $50 off any purchase of $399 or more by using promo code BURR at www.Indochino.com.  SoloStove:  Shop now and get up to 30% off fire pits all month long, AND use promo code BURR at checkout to get an extra $20 off at www.solostove.com SimpliSafe: You can customize the perfect system for your home in just a few minutes at www.SIMPLISAFE.com/BURR  

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. For Monday, April 11th, 2022. What's going on? How are you? I'm going to be recording this in sections, everybody, because yeah, I'm out here in Augusta, Georgia. Hey, what you doing all the way out there, Freckles? What you doing? You working on some moonshine? It's nothing like that out here. There's Arby's, Hooters, Walmart, CVS. It's just, you know, it's the same old, same old. But I am at the Masters this weekend. And for first, before I get to the Masters. Masters, Masters. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Sorry, there's no way to do that if you grew up

in the 80s. No way not to do that. The whole time, I would be like, hey, people were asking, what are you doing this weekend? I was going, I would be like, I'm going to the Masters. And that'd be Masters, Masters. I talk to anybody in my age group, like they just start fucking saying it like a lab rat. You can't, you cannot say it. I don't know why they haven't asked Metallica if they, oh, I know why, because they're a golf course and they're prestigious. Anyway, before I get to that, I played Birmingham, Alabama, Alabama. And I played Macon, Georgia. And these were my first three real shows since I had my little Billy soliloquy over

the last six weeks. And I don't think they could have gone any better. And I was working with Verzi and Barton, because we were all going out to the Masters. Masters can't not do it. And I was saying, how is going to bring up how much I love to stand up in the South? How much I fucking love the crowds? I love being Billy liberal from Hollywood, you know, making fun of Hollywood, teasing them about being Southern and they fucking roll with it. And there's some of the best crowds like the show in Birmingham was awesome. And then we went to Macon. And we played that historic place, which I went in and it looked like they hadn't changed anything. They're about to redo it.

And I got in there right before they did. And I was like, this looks like the same wallpaper and rug and everything from 50 years ago when Martin Luther King's funeral was here. And they said, Yeah, probably is. And the stage was still, you know, from years of people performing had like all these scuff marks on it and stuff. And it was gotta be honest, it was a real like, I don't know, just felt the the presence of that history in there. And it was such a cool venue to be in. And the crowds were fucking amazing. I had so much fun in Macon, Georgia. The only thing that stunk was I didn't have time to go to Dwayne and Greg Allman's graves, gravesite. But I'm definitely coming back. That was

one of those ones like I got 10 minutes into the first show. And I'm like, there's no fucking way I'm not coming back here. And when we were in Birmingham, Alabama, home of the University of Alabama Birmingham Blazers, we had a great time out there. And I got to give a shout out to everybody at saws barbecue, who opened up just a little bit early for us. Club soda Kenny made the call. And they gave us a little VIP tour showed us their smoker and everything. And I found out I actually like fried okra who knew. And just absolutely delicious food was so great. My favorite barbecue place in the nation saws barbecue smart ass Wilson's you got to check it out if you're ever down there. And Oh, Billy freckles, I got to tell you the first

night I did 49 minutes that had nothing, no jokes from my Red Rock show. That's special. I don't know when it's coming out. But I know I have to. I got to have an hour and 10 minutes before that thing comes out. And on the next night in Macon, can you tell I'm excited? I did like a little more than 50 minutes. And then by the end, it was like an hour. So I feel like I'm ready to go. And it was killing. And I just picked up right where I left off was like the movie never happened. And I had so much fun. So thank you so much to everybody that came out just truly, truly awesome, awesome people coming out. And once again, if you're a fucking smart Alec Yankee from the East Coast, and you're a comedian, do not sleep on the Southman a fucking

amazing fans down here. So with that, right after the show, we had to run right out, jump in the car and come up to Augusta. So we could be there for the day three of the masters. And I have to tell you, it was so amazing to come back, but it was fucking freezing. It wasn't freezing. It's just that, you know, we all came there like we were going to watch golf. And thank God I had my little fucking puffy coat. Because other than that, I just had this don't get sunburned hat that I was wearing in my fucking bald head. Dude, I felt like I was at a football game in October. And I was dressed for baseball. That's what it was. It wasn't that mean, it was like 59 degrees, probably 48 with the wind. The wind was fucking nuts. And everybody's sitting out there with like fucking

windbreakers on and shitting shorts, just freezing our fucking balls off. It was fucking miserable. I don't know how those people were golfing out there. But we came in and Tiger was, you know, practicing some chip shots, got to watch that. I watched Bubba Watson. That's my guy. Anybody wins the Masters and then goes out and buys a fucking 69 Dodge Challenger is all right with me. Watched him play with. Oh, fuck, what's his name? I'm so bad with fucking names at my age. The fuck did he go out with? I already forget. No, I know his name. I just can't remember. It's just not going to pop in because I'm old. Sergio Garcia saw them tee off. And then saw another group tee off. And then I saw Tiger tee off. I saw Tiger make a birdie on two. And then me and Verzi went over to our spot, which is

we sit in the bleachers on 15, like we did in 2010, when we were betting on the turtles, which one was going to go next in the pond? And I was destroying Verzi. Because Verzi kept betting on turtles that had a wet shell. And I was like, that's got the driest shell. I would bet on that when I was killing him. So we sat there and we just bet every twosome that was coming over, we would just bet them. You know, most of the times, you know, it would just be a push, but it started off five bucks around moved up to 10. And by the end, it was 50. And it was going to move on to 100. But by then Tiger had already gone through. And we were going up, you know, because we're coming back again on Sunday. So I'm going to watch the rest. I watched everyone from the bottom of the field all the way

up to whoever came through right after Tiger. And I missed all like the leader leaders, but I'll see them tomorrow. Probably going to go, I found out to you can fucking smoke a cigar in there. I couldn't believe it. I saw these two guys with sticks. I'm like, dude, what the fuck you can smoke in here? He goes, that's exactly what we said yesterday when we saw a guy with cigars. So you can't smoke in the bleachers, but you can kind of like walk around. So I think I'm going to, you know, I think I'm going to almond corner tomorrow. And I'm going to bring like two sticks. And I'm just going to sit there and just going to watch all the leaders go through and then go up to 18. I do what I'm telling you, like, what's amazing about going to that course is literally like looking at like, down the fairways,

it's like seeing a celebrity. If you've been watching it for so long, I remember coming up over hill, they're like, I was with club soda Kenny. He goes, you know where you are? Because we're trying to meet some of our other buddies, you're not allowed to bring a phone in there or anything. He's like, do you know where we are? And I just looked at this fairway. I'm like, that's 18. That I've seen that a million fucking times when people are about ready to win it or fucking choke it away. Just looking right down that fairway and seeing that halfway point that they get to with that sand trap right there. I got to see Tiger play 18. And I got to see him play 1516. I got to see him tee off on one birdie on two 1516 and 18. I made sure that I saw the king

one more time because I know he's gotten that horrible accent. And you know, talk about amputate in his leg and he definitely was walking like he was in pain. But I just had to see the guy play one more time because that's, you know, the greatest call for a vault time in my opinion. So anyway, it was a fucking miserable day, but it was still awesome because it was the masters and the fucking lines to go in to get all the merchandise, which I know they have shit online, but like, they don't have all this other cool stuff. And I just saw the line and I was like, you know, the last time I was here, I bought a bunch of merch and I never took it out of the box. I still have it. I don't do anything with it.

And I was just like, you know what, fuck it, I'm not going to buy anything. And I was seeing everybody with all their masters fucking shit on it. I was kind of feeling stupid like, I should have got something. And then when I walked out without a bag of shit, I felt great. I really did. You know, I'm not saying you shouldn't buy some stuff. If you're young, go ahead and buy this shit. Oh, no, actually, if you're young, I'm telling you, that shit fucking haunts you because then for the rest of your life, you're going to be looking at that thing that you got at that thing that fucking says the year on it and becomes sentimental. You can't get rid of it. You can't get rid of it. And then you're just sentenced to lugging it

around to every fucking place you live in for the rest of your life. Or you can just not buy anything and have a great time, you know, and just have the memory that you went there overrated souvenirs. I'm going to say it right now. Oh, I'm, I'm, oh, I'm being dangerous. Look out for me. I'm out of doing Fred Stollers said Stollers back here. I'm out of control. Yeah, I just, I'm the older I get like, what are you getting? Nothing, nothing. I have the experience. I have the memory. It's fucking awesome. I don't need the souvenir. I have the memory of it. Now, if I get older and I start losing my mind, the memorabilia is just going to become annoying. Like, what is that? I went to that. I don't remember. Rather just having a bunch of nothing. I don't know.

So anyway, we have a blast and we're going to go there again tomorrow. And it's been a really, really good time going with some comics and people bringing their dads along and shit. It's just a really, really a cool thing. So I'll tell you one of the best, one of the best as far as like going back and forth. This is when we were betting 50 bucks each. It was funny. We started off five bucks each and at the end of all of the bullshit going up to 10, going up to 20, because me and Verzi were just talking shit, right? You want to do 50 versus he's like, yeah, you think I give a fuck? I'll go 50. I'll go 50 around. I go, fine. That's 50 bucks. We just kept going back and forth. And in the end, he owed me five bucks. That was it. But we got 20 bucks each on Red Sox

Yankees and they won last night. So I'm down 15 to the bastard. So hopefully the socks that went tonight and again on Sunday. But anyway, he went down to go get a beer or something. One of those long lines and Sergio and Bubba come up. So I took Bubba, right? Gotta love a guy named Bubba that likes a Dodge Challenger, right? So I'm fucking I put 50 on him. We're on 15. Shot number two, we couldn't see him tee off, but we'd always see him take their second shot. Shot number two, Verzi's not there. Sergio goes in the water and I'm up 55 bucks. So I'm finally going to be up a C note on this fucking kid, right? He goes into the water. I'm like, that's it. He's out, right? Bubba goes into the trap or whatever he chips out. He two putts were good because Sergio

has to fucking drop Sergio drops. So that's three. And then he hits a fucking perfect shot other than going into the hole where he sets him up, self up for a birdie. Then Bubba Watson goes to hit out of the trap. I don't know what he did. He didn't hit it right. It goes up in the air, lands way short, rolls down the hill and goes in the fucking water. And he ends up bogey in the fucking bogey in the goddamn hole. Oh, the ebb and flow, the back and forth there. I did miss the Bruins. I know that they, they beat Tampa Bay. I think in overtime, as Joe Bartnick says, and the Celtics keep rolling along. I start editing the movie on Wednesday, but I am back into society, which is why this podcast this week will be an hour long of me babbling once again.

And I want to thank all you guys for your patience over the last few weeks. And I'm really, really antsy about, you know, getting into the editing room. I want to start that process. And I got a lot out of, you know, watching Quest when his Oscar there and talking about, you know, not saying, obviously, I'm doing a comedy. So we all know comedies don't get awards. I mean, more like watching somebody who'd never directed before and saying how he just walked around and thought about his film for like five months, he just lived with it. And I just got so much out of that going, all right, that's what I got to do. So I got to live with this thing for the whole summer, like right into September when I got to turn it in. And I'm looking forward

to it. And everybody has been telling me, like, don't worry about the first, the first time you see all the rough footage. Don't worry about it. It's going to look like it's a mess. Do not freak out. It always looks like it's going to be a mess. You slowly start editing it, you tighten it up, and then you get your movie. So I remember the great Mike Price from The Simpsons co-creator of Effes for Family, he told me the same thing. On the very first episode when we were watching the animatic, and my fucking jaw was on the ground, going like, what the fuck is this? And he goes, don't worry, it always looked the first cut always looks fucking horrible. This happens every episode of The Simpsons fucking, you know, 25 years at that point in on it. This is how it always looks.

So I was just like, all right, all right, man, I'll take your word for it. Oh, something we did when we went in Birmingham was we also did that hike up to that. I don't know what the fuck they call it, the Viking. I don't know what it was. But on the way there, we walked by this Ford dealership and they had this black two door eight foot bed F 350, which I don't know the difference between the 250 and the 350. Can it tow a little more or whatever? Better suspension, I have no idea. But it was, it was only two wheel drive, but it had the regular cab. I swear to God, if it was four wheel drive, I had very least what it called my wife, going, you know, it's kind of what I've been looking for, like to get it. What are you going to do with it? You don't want to

fix anything? Why can't I just drive around in it and pretend I'm cool? That's the purpose of most vehicles. You know, you buy a vehicle, you always got to get something that's a little cooler than you really are. It makes you feel good when you drive. All right, it's just a philosophy. But we ended up, I went to this pancake place also that was on the way on the walk. I went there on the way back in Birmingham, they had the pancakes were fucking outstanding. What I liked was every breakfast seemed to come with pancakes. They liked the original pancake house. And I was like, wait a minute, is that like, are they trying to say the international house of pancakes ripped them off? Or are they doing like a McDonald's McDonald's like coming to America thing?

Like when we shot on a location downtown LA, there was this place called the big store. And the big was written in capital letters, and it was the same blue as big five out here, which is a sporting good chain. And when you looked at it real quick, you thought it was the big five store, and there's no fucking way they didn't do it on purpose. So I couldn't tell if they were doing that. But I will tell you this, their pancakes were better, dare I say, than what they have at the international house of pancakes. All right. Once again, more controversy, more fucking controversy. All right, so this is good. I knocked out 20 minutes of this shit. I'm going to go fucking hang out, smoke a stick. I'm going to have another couple two at the fucking masters tomorrow. And then I'm

just going to shut it down. That's what I do now. All right. I'm Billy Feaster famine. Although today Verzi was calling me Billy shivers. When I was at the fucking thing, we just started cracking up, just loving the name. Come on in. Yo, Paul Verzi, I'm doing my fucking podcast on my phone a little bit of it right now. You know, it's all right. I was just talking what was the nickname you call me today? Billy shivers, Billy shivers, got the little shakes. Oh, nice smoke a stick. Yeah, just a couple of straight guys going to get in a hot tub and smoke a cigar. Little cocktails. Yeah, there's nothing going on here. Is it? Yeah, I like it. Yeah, you know, fucking Bartnick was going like, Hey, who turned the heat on last night? It's like I did. I weigh

170 pounds. I'm not like you. You're fucking whale. We kept going from 10 to 20 to 50 10, 20, 15. I told me you missed the most exciting fucking you got to come on this for the final like half hour tomorrow. Yeah, dude, you missed the one with Bubba. Dude, tomorrow we got to we got to go 100 ahead. Somebody's got to fucking put a dent in somebody. Yeah, like somebody's got to give somebody 300 bucks. That just has to happen. Because this nickel and dime shit is really annoying me because I'm trying to talk about the drama of us betting and at the end I only you owe me five bucks, but I'm down 15. No, what are we doing with the bread socks Yankees? I haven't looked through the score. What do you want to go per game? 20 game. Come on, Paul. Keep the fans

eliciting 50 game. Come on, Paul. They're listening. We're going 100 a game. All right, cool. I hope this doesn't affect our friendship. Oh, Billy shivers. Oh, Paulie peanuts kept going to go down to the food there. Yeah, I was cold. Oh, Billy shivers. I get cold, man. And you know what? For the longest time, I used to pretend like I didn't get cold because all these other fucking red blooded people didn't get cold. At some point, I had to realize that I was a ginger and God didn't quite love me as you know, he didn't love me enough to finish me. You know, he took me out of the oven early. He didn't give a fuck. He didn't give me eyelashes or eyebrows and you know, one of the other side effects of taking me out of the oven a little early, little premature

there as I get cold. All right, old Billy shivers. Oh, Billy shivers was live and in effect on fucking the 15th hole there. All right, that's it. Me and Versa you're going to fucking we're going to chat it up here after I read some advertisements. All right, that's it. What's not that's it. It's just this is the end of the first fucking. What did this be? This would be times three the first 33% of it. Shut up, Bill. Okay. All right, let's do some reads now. Let's do some reads. What do we got? Oh, look who it is. It's all Indochino. Indochino from weddings to work functions to weekends out in the town. It's always the right time to dress to impress especially in clothes that fit you perfectly. Indochino makes high quality

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play 15 and 16. And I watched him walk up the fairway on 17. Made sure to take that in. It's not too often. You get to see the greatest whoever did it. What else? What else? I just heard when that, who the hell was the kid, the poor kid from, was it Australia? Triple Cameron Smith? Was it him that triple bogied on 12? I can't remember. But I had such a great time. Everybody had a good time. And we were finally able to right the wrongs when that guy fucked us out of the tickets, the passes, those pieces of shit. And I got to bring the same crew of people that I went with, tried to go with nine years ago. So I'm glad that that's all behind us. I mean, we were the walk and wounded today. A bunch of old

people, all of us having to sit down. Actually, I was fine. I would say I'm the spriest of me and all of my old friends. You should see how exhausted they are just from sitting in the sun. Sorry, took a sloppy sip of that. I apologize. I'm laying down here. Yeah, I was teasing them. I go, look at you guys. You look, he's just got done playing football. Bartnick is fucking hilarious. He was literally stretching his back, bending over backwards over this railing. And these women were laughing at him. And within two seconds, one of them is trying to help him out, giving him a back rub. Only Bartnick could get a fucking back rub from some random chick at fucking Augusta. Whatever. We had an awesome, awesome day. Let's get into some of your questions here

for the week. Trying to knock this out before I fly back late night tonight. All right. What do we got here? Oh my goodness. F1 in Vegas. Is this true? I heard the rumors. I heard a rumor. They're going to have an F1 race in Las Vegas. That'll be amazing. Right down the damn strip. Hey, Billy, two tracks. Are you excited about F1 coming to Vegas? Also, what would be the best and worst city to hold an F1 race? Thanks for the laughs. The worst, Philadelphia, within 19 one-way streets all going in the same direction before another one of the most frustrating city I've ever driven in. I'd say runner up would be Boston. Any of those cities that are like New York City would be terrible. I guess they could go down the

avenues, but the streets are just so, it'd be great if they went to New York. They could fix their fucking roads for once. Let me see. What would be, okay. The best and worst city to hold an F1 race. Well, I definitely did the worst ones. Trying to think of a nice open downtown. That's a good one. I know LA has that one down in Long Beach. They always figure out a way. Detroit has a race. They always figure it out. Well, you got to go like people will want to go to the city. And it's also like, I bet Chicago would be a great one to have it. Go right down Michigan Avenue. I think Chicago would be great. It's the middle of the country. Race fans. Nobody has more than a four hour flight. Everybody could get there. Great food. Great people. Michigan Avenue.

So, you know, you go right by the lake. Sort of our Monaco, maybe. I don't know. That's a damn good question. But now we have two races here. F1 is growing faster in the United States. I'm saying it now than soccer. And we will always call it soccer because that's who we are. 70s cartoons. Yo, Billy Baloo. Look at that, a reference to the Jungle Book. All you got to do is look for the bare necessities, the simple bare necessities. Forget about your worries and your life. I mean, I had to sing that song like every night for a year and act the whole thing out with my daughter when I put her to bed. Because you don't need to leave the car when you pick a pair with the big paw paw. Do I need to leave the clue? Golly, thanks, Baloo. You eat ants, you better

believe it. And you're going to love the way they tickle something like that. 70s cartoons. I just started showing my six year old old cartoons. Yeah, I've been doing that with my daughter. She loves Bugs Bunny. Everyone told me that my kid can tell the difference and hate the lo-fi shit, but I think he likes it better. All I'm saying is the kid never did impressions of bubble gubbies, whatever those are. But now he's on his dick dastardly several times a day. You've ever given your kids the old right there, Fred, and showed them any Hannah Barbera? Yeah, I told my daughter, we'd play a game. What's your favorite? Because now she likes to talk at the end of the day. She's beyond me reading her books and that stuff. Now she likes to talk.

So she asked me about, you know, what's your favorite dog? Because she wants a puppy. And I said, when I was a kid, I wanted to get two Bulldogs named one Butch and one Chopper, because it was these, I loved Bulldogs, and there was these two cartoon dogs in the Hannah Barbera. One was named Butch. He might have been on Tom and Jerry. I get them all combined now. And then there was named Chopper, like the littler one. And that's what I was going to do. I was also going to live in a purple house, and I was going to go to Notre Dame, and I was going to become a lawyer. So a lot of my dreams, you know, went a little off the rails there. But I've been thinking hard about getting a Bulldog. My daughter doesn't want one. She wants

a different kind of dog. So now she's saying, you get a Bulldog, and she wants like a black dog with brown paws. And I'm like, you mean like a Rottweiler, a Doberman? So I've been trying to figure out what exactly she wants. But she's kind of, she's going into those dogs, we really got to keep an eye on them. That breed of dog, you know, like Dobermans, even when they have their ears down. That's not true. Josh Adam Mayer's Doberman always looks happy. But those dogs in general, you know, German shepherds just have that secret service look on their face the whole fucking time. Made in America. Made in America. Hey, Billy Waxhead. Come on, man. Keep it nice, man. Hey, Billy Waxhead. All right. On the 32922 podcast, you mentioned to write in, if we work for,

at a company that makes a product in the US. Hey, well, I'm a sourcing manager at Turtle Wax, and I'm happy to say 100% of our products and bottled and filled in the Midwest. Look at that. Well, the heavy majority of our raw materials are also sourced from within the US. I could maybe send you some product if you wanted to try it out on your F-100. Look at that. If you're going to wax your car, people, use Turtle Wax. By the way, shout out to the Ukraine. The world had you as underdogs or maybe propaganda did. They didn't know what they were dealing with. Good for you guys. I know I'm making, I'm talking about it like it's a fucking game here, but it's too depressing to talk about it like what it actually is. But that's an amazing story.

Everybody should fucking stay home, including us. Quit going around the world bugging people, all right? You want their natural resources, pay for it like a gentleman. American manufacturing. Hey, Bill, I was just listening to your podcast while working. I own and run a metal fabrication company out of Orlando, and I thought you might enjoy some perspective on US manufacturing. In reality, it is alive and well. That's great to hear. I have virtually unlimited work that comes across my desk, and there are at least 30 companies within the 30 mile radius from me that do the exact same things as us, and we are all slammed as well. Metal fabrication companies. Who knew? Here in the US, we just manufacture complex and low volume stuff that

doesn't make sense to produce with low skilled slash assembly-lined labor. In other words, offshore, where you don't train people to save money. They're not low skilled. They're just not trained. There are thousands of small machine and fabrication slash manufacturing companies scattered across this country with hard working people working nonstop to keep up with the demand. These jobs slash businessmen just aren't sexy, so they don't get glorified by the media and or the education system. I mean, this sounds like a show on discovery to me. In reality, you know, I got a prefab this fucking, who's in my what's up for that goddamn mix of wits in reality. All you need to do is have a father and son yelling at each other. You get at least

eight seasons. I mean, you'd probably end up destroying your relationship. In reality, people would be astonished to hear how profitable and stable they actually are. Thanks for your broadcast. I really enjoy it. Well, that's awesome, man. Congratulations. America manufacturing people, metal fabrication. This guy's doing so well, he didn't even have to give his fucking company a shout out. All right, overrated age as a number. Hey, Billy clockwork, I'm an older listener. One of your oldest for sure. I'm 78 years old in June and you listen into my podcast. That's amazing. You talked about getting older a few times and how aging naturally is underrated. I agree. Though I do believe in supplementing things you're deficient in and of course doing

the work to find out what you're deficient in. Yeah, I should probably do that. I'm definitely on the back nine as they say, but it's really funny when people assume I don't know anything about the internet or what's going on today. The fact that I know what a podcast is and where to listen to it is something I can't share with people my age. I would imagine. I don't feel any different than I did 20 years ago. People, people my age get sick and have ailments and start to throw in the towel. I don't get mad when people assume I don't know shit. I just feel bad for them because they probably look at themselves the way they look at me when they reach my age. Oh, they'll probably look that way. Thanks for the laughs. Look at that. Some good life advice there.

I hope I'm like that at that age. Jesus Christ. You can't throw in the towel. You can't quit. You just got to fucking live. Have a great fucking time and when is your time to go? It's your time to go. That's it. Sit there and mope around because you're not young anymore. You were young. Now it's over. Quit acting like you got cheated. Oh, I could say some things in my business, my business. When people complain about ageism, I find mainly it's people who were built their careers on being beautiful. It's just like, well, you know that there's an expiration on that date while you're young and beautiful. Start a production company and when you get to the age of being a mom and a dad, play a mom and a dad. Stop trying to make the world fucking sit there

and look at you like you're still in your 20s. You're not. Is it ageism or are you delusional? The amount of super famous people I see complaining about that and they have millions of dollars, it's like write a fucking script. Get some people behind you. The fuck. When you were 20, 25 and everybody said you were hot and you were fucking making people magazines, 50 most beautiful people, did you give a fuck about 35-year-old, 40-year-old women? You didn't. Now you're that age and all of a sudden everybody's going to stop and care about you. It's not how it works. All right. That's it. I'm sorry. You're as old as a mom. Go put on a fucking apron and play one in a movie. If you're a fucking, you know, a guy, you know, put on a

sport coat and come down the stairs with your pipe going now, now, knock it off. Take those parts. Stop getting mad at young people because they're fucking young and beautiful. Let them do those parts. You selfish cunts. Oh, that's my hot take. That's my hot take on fucking ageism. Anyway, once again, I want to thank everybody who came out to my shows this week. I am so fucking over the moon about how well the shows went. I can't wait. I'm going to come back. I'm going to be haunting the fucking comedy clubs to get to rest some of these ideas I was playing around with over the last three shows and put it together. An old Billy Freckles is going to be in the driver's seat when my fucking special comes out, man. I'm going to be ready. I'm going to have a new hour and 10

minutes of shit. Granted, it's shit, but I will mold that shit to an acceptable level. But you guys won't be able to tell a difference, hopefully. But now that I said that, somebody would be like, oh, I went there. I didn't think you were quite up to par. I did have a good time. Oh, go watch Dungeons and Dragons. Go watch one of those fucking shows. Or watch one of those movies with the misunderstood superhero. You know? Oh, I have eight pack abs, but people don't understand me, including my impossibly hot girlfriend. That's what they do now, right? Why are they doing that? I used to like back in the day, they always had a dark side to them,

but you know what I mean? They had a beautiful woman. You know, they didn't have to figure out their feelings, all right? They just defeated the bad guy, and then they went away. That's what they did. Now, since post therapy, all of these goddamn superheroes, man, they all got a fucking, you know what they like? They're like all those Seattle bands that came out in the early 90s that just sort of dumped their day on you. You know, I want a little more motley crew in my superheroes. Or dare I say poison. Don't need nothing but a good time. Now, those guys were all sad. They were dealing with alcoholism and fucking diabetes and shit like that. They had all kinds of drama. Did they bring that to the stage? No, they did not.

They were like, you know what? These people had a rough fucking day. And then what happens? All these Seattle bands got to fucking bring gloom and doom because it rains nine out of 10 days up there, and they just bring their weather to everybody else. I'm a rock star, but I'm wearing a flannel shirt because I don't want to get the sniffles because I live in Seattle. Oh, I'm sorry. I will never get over those bands knocking all my hair metal bands. That's when I knew I was old, when those guys all came in. And I was like, hey, man, where's the tap on solos, man? I don't want to nitpick, but just to let nobody in your band is wearing leather, man. What did I know? I was just an orange kid with a

dream. Yeah, the 80s were over. When the 80s ended, that was it. That was it for me. And ever since then, I've felt like a fucking senior citizen. I'm like the reverse of the last guy that wrote in on this podcast where he's 77 still running around with his dick out. Me, you know, I'm ready for a walker. I'm not going to lie to you. No, I've kept myself in good shape. I do my squats, oblique squat face. I do my sit ups. I do my obliques. I try to keep the core going. I eat a salad. I try to stay hydrated. And other than that, if I could just learn to shut the fuck up every once in a while, I think I'd be doing pretty good. I told you I texted that to my wife, right? Like a week ago, I texted her, I'm going to shut up more. She loved it. Got a big heart

next to that text. You know, it doesn't work the other way. If my wife said I'm going to shut up more and I gave a big heart there, I'm like at that point, I'm basically saying get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich, which believe me, that's what I want to say. You know what I mean? Can we make that deal, ladies? If the man in your life shuts up more, can you go to the kitchen more? You know, sort of balance out, you know, show that you're willing to kind of step our way a little bit. I mean, it's a fucking sandwich. We're not asking for shiny shift for Christmas every once in a while. Can you bring your precious ass out to that fucking kitchen with the island that you just had to have? You know, take out some lunch meat. All right, there's a little bread box

over there, right? Oh, it's so adorable. I have to have it. Well, open it up and get the bread out of it now. Okay, you get a plate. I'll walk you right through it. I'm going to walk women through this because your generations of women have stopped making sandwiches. I'm going to describe how to make one. Okay, you take the two slices of bread, right? You put them on the plate. You get out of condiment. That means like mustard or mayonnaise, you know, hot sauce, whatever the fuck it is. Peanut butter, I don't know. Not peanut butter, whatever. You get some fucking, you know the deal. Lunch meat, cheese, pickles, fucking mustard. Okay, you cut it in half, put some fucking chips on it. Okay, it's literally what? Four minutes out of your day, you can hit pause on the TV,

make the fucking sandwich, bring it to him. And when he says, what did you do that for? You just say, because I want you to shut the fuck up for the rest of the day. And he'll laugh and he'll shut up and leave the sandwich and you can watch the rest of your real housewife shows. Right there. I mean, how am I not hosting my own talk show? Dr. Bill, how about that? Dr. Bill, where I stress no communication, you communicate through gestures, all right? And then when somebody does a nice gesture for you, then the other person has to just shut the fuck up for the rest of the day. Rather than just saying, hey honey, I swear to God, can you just close your fucking pie hole? Because that just leads to a fight, all right? And you know, as a man or a woman

or they, whatever you are, you know when you're annoying your partner, okay? And that's the moment, okay? You go down, you get him the paper, you get him a breakfast sandwich, you order some croissants, some sort of food gesture, you know? You rub the head. And then that person should be like, okay, they're acknowledging that they were being annoying. And I appreciate that. And your award now is not only will we not fight about it, I am now going to shut the fuck up for the rest of the day. That's it. I'll go for a walk, just get out of the house and leave the house for him. Why don't we try that? Instead of talking things out, like all these other fucking trained professionals mentioned. Sit down, just, you know, put it all out there on

the table. What, so you can throw it in my face a week later? Anyway, it's baseball season, it's Formula One season, it's MotoGP season, NHL playoffs are right around the corner, followed by the NBA playoffs. COVID is essentially over. All right? If you get COVID now, it doesn't hurt you really. Gives you a nice, you know, four days off from work. I'd love to come in, but I have the weakest strain now. My throat was a little sore for five minutes. Oh, this is irresponsible reporting. Can't do this to people, Bill. What are you going to play doctor on the fucking internet? Well, why not? Everybody else did over the last couple of years. Why can I chime in? Why can't I put on my fucking lab coat and start talking about shit? Anyway, we hung out last

night at the fucking house. We rented before we went to the masses and just sat around like telling stories and fucking watching Jim Florentine meet the creep videos. You got to see the one where he goes to the restaurant and he asked for pepper on his chicken and he just fucking, no matter how much the guy has, he just cheats more pepper, more pepper. The guy went through three of those pepper things. What do we call those? Those fancy things where they crack the pepper. He emptied three of those before he turns the chicken over. It's fucking amazing that people just keep the ridiculousness of that. The fact that the person with the pepper milk, that's what it's called, a pepper mill at no point was like, buddy, I know the customer's

always right, but go fuck yourself. We're ruining the meal. They didn't. They just kept cracking the pepper, which I think is a metaphor for life, don't you? No matter what's happening, just keep cracking that pepper mill. You could literally run for public office on that. People would get into it and you play a Fleetwood Mac song. Don't stop thinking about tomorrow. Remember that? Wasn't that the worst? When Bill Clinton became fucking president, you found out he listened to Yacht Rock? I mean, I guess it made sense. He played the fucking saxophone, right? Saxophone has not been cool in a long fucking time. I'm going to say that. It just hasn't. Last time saxophone got you laid was the 1950s, you know, when they were playing

like rock and roll. There aren't any jazz musicians out there. Do you have groupies? You know, do they come out? Do they have like those fucking black frame glasses? Do like your girlfriends snap their fingers when you say something instead of clapping? Sorry. Anyway, I don't know what the fuck to talk about. I thought I was going to have more to talk about, but evidently I don't. Maybe I have a little bit of sunstroke. I will tell you, one of the great memories I will have for the rest of my life was we sat on the fairway at 13, sat right in the front row and just watched the best of the best just coming through, you know, making a run for the title. And we sat there for like an hour and a half and just

watched them all come through. And by the way, you can smoke a cigar. I think I mentioned that in the first part of this. And I sat there at Augustus smoking a stick, watching these guys playing golf, just crushing it. It was amazing. I actually had one point. This guy's ball landed right near me when I was trying to cross. I'm going to say it was 15. Oh, what's the golfers name? He had a tough day. He had a tough day. He wears a lot of logos on his shirt, but he was right in front of me. And I got to watch him try to drive the green, just crush it over these trees and then fucking bend it around to the left. It was amazing. I don't know where it landed, but it looked incredible. That's one of those things. As you watch it, you just like,

you know, because, you know, you sit there, you're like, dude, I could do this. I could go play a few rounds. I could, I could par one of these holes or whatever. And then you watch a professional golfer come up and address the ball and then do that. And then you're just like, oh, that's right. That's right. I don't think I could do this. I've not just never, you know, I never got into golf because it just, anything that involves outside in the sun that long, it's just, I can't do it. You know what I mean? I was all right with baseball, but you know, every three outs, I could go sit down, you know, I could get hydrated. Golf, you just keep fucking walking. By the way, what does that douchey thing every golfer does that when you drive a golf cart, you have to have one leg

hanging out? What is that about? I know, I guess, because you're getting in and getting out, but even if they drive around, there's just something about it. Like you just driving with your leg hanging out. Yeah, I'm a member here and here are my nuts. Look at me. Look how great my life is going. There's just something about it. You just want to see him side swipe a tree and watch the guy's leg get folded back. You know, I don't know. The old me, I could have really worked up a lot of anger about that, but now I just, it's sort of a middling anger. But back in the day, well, I kind of just wish that the guy would side swipe a tree and fucking bend his leg back at the hip. I mean, I guess that's sort of an angry thought when you say, how's your guys anger doing?

I got to tell you, man, I'm not advocating this, but I'm going to tell you two trips on mushrooms, and I feel a lot better. Spread them out a year apart. First time I had a bad trip. Second time I had a fucking blast. I think I'm going to do that for the rest of my life, just once a year or whatever. I'm going to take some shrooms, man. That's it. I don't fuck with the weed. I don't fuck with the booze every once in a while with the weed. Every once in a while. I'm not going to lie to you. When I wrapped on the movie, I came home and I smoked a little bit, but that's it. I don't have that shit anymore, man, or I got to like, I don't think I have to do that anymore, where I worry when I became like this habit guy. I started doing it every night. I kind of got, I don't know,

ever since post mushrooms, I'm like, I don't want to be doing that every night, right? And then whatever that voice in my head goes, right. And then I just walk away from the shit. I never used to do that. I used to be like, I don't want to drink tonight. And then I come home. All right, I'll just have one. Two, three, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, snoring next to my wife. Did you drink again last night? No. Yes, you did. You're snoring. I know that when you drink, you snore. I could never get away with it. I tried hiding bottles behind the toilet, all of those tropes. It just never helped for me. It gets the second I come in and snore, she knew what I was up to. And that was it. And that was it. So anyway,

that's the podcast, everyone. I hope you enjoyed it. I want to thank everybody in Birmingham, Alabama, Macon, Georgia, and Augusta, Georgia. Everybody I met was just really, really nice on this whole trip. It was just a really great way to come back out on tour. And I cannot fucking wait. I have my biggest tour of my career, career, career coming up this year. And I plan on enjoying every second of it. So if you're coming out to see me, Old Freckles going to be slinging his shit jokes in a fucking venue near you. All right, go to billbird.com to check it out. That's it. That's the Monday Morning Podcast. Go fuck yourselves. And I'll check it on you on Thursday.