Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-13-15

Episode Date: April 13, 2015

Bill rambles about the Bruins, becoming a slumlord and staring at trees.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, April 13, 2015. You know, Monday the 13th is not bad luck. It's Friday the 13th. So fucking relax because I said 13. All right, before you get all dude, you got to rub the fucking garlic and vinegar and you left ass cheek because the devil lives on the left side. You're going to have a good day. All right, let's get down to it. I talked a lot of shit. I talked a lot of shit. Oh, the fuck you, you senator fans. You know, you actually know why I've talked all that shit because I wasn't watching hockey. And all I saw, I knew the Bruins would want a couple because I follow them on my little smartphone there.

You know, I follow the Bruins, the Canadians and the Kings. The Bruins and the Kings because I like them and the Canadians because I hate them, right? And I just always want to know what those fucking blue blank a douche doing, right? I actually, I like the team. I just hate their fans. You know, they don't really know hockey. They think they do and they put on loafers and they, they whine. I mean, no Canadian fan can ever say that they know hockey when you watched your fan base boo Patrick Wa out of town because he had a bad regular season game. And that curse hangs over you, which is why you won't win it again this year. All right, whatever. It's not being a compil. So any reason why I talked shit was because

I like everybody else saw that thing where the Bruins were selling playoff tickets. So I thought they made it. So I just, you know, it was just being a douche and I started giving the fucking senators shit. I didn't even know that's how bad a fan I was this year. But but I stuck with them. And I kept talking shit. I hoped against hope yesterday. Bruins tied it up, you know, going over time and then they fucking lost. But I don't know. A lot of Bruins fans that season was a fucking disgrace and blah, blah, blah, blah than other fans giving me shit, partly it's because I talked all that shit. But like, I don't really consider it a fucking disgrace. You know what I mean? We're great franchise. Do you know we went

to the playoffs 29 fucking years in a row, and then like another 10 years in a row, and then another 10 years, something like that. So we've missed the playoffs like fucking three times in my life. Big fucking deal. Am I really going to be sad as a Boston fan? Do you realize in the last four years we want a Stanley Cup? We want a World Series and a Super Bowl. All we need is the fucking Celtics to pull their green and white asses out of the mud. And the next couple years and we're going to run the table again. And this is what kills me. We're doing this with four fucking teams. How can we do this with four teams? And then you look at the state of New York that has 10 fucking teams. The state

of California is like 15 fucking teams. And collectively, they never have in a 10 year period run the table and won all of them. Go ahead, hit pause. Look it up. Look it up. So I am fine. I'm not as negative about the Bruins as everybody. I think we got some good young players or whatever. The guys that won the cup maybe got a little bit old. You know, what are you going to do? What the fuck are you going to do? All right, so congratulations to all you people that have given me shit, you know, especially Senator Fan. Well, I guess they deserve to give me shit because I talk so much stuff. But I'm just sitting there thinking my head like, dude, you're a fucking eighth seed. Do you really think you're going to win a cup?

You're not. All right. So we'll save a seat for you down at the golf course for when you swing by in May. What do you think about that? I'm fucking with you. I don't give a shit at this point. My team's out of it. So good luck to everybody except for the Canadians. Good luck to the Ranger fans. You know, you guys won one cup in 75 fucking years. I'd be nice to see you get another one even though you are fans of New York teams. And that's one of my favorite fucking arguments that you double down in every sport. You know, it's like you're playing blackjack and every fucking hand you get dealt two aces and you still lose. Ah, Jesus Christ. I'm fucking wiped out man. I stayed out last night till like, I don't know what I had. I had some friends come

by. And we went to this this local bar. And I didn't even drink that much. It's just that I had a 430 pickup for a 7am flight. And I don't know, I stayed out till like three. I think I slept for like a fucking hour and a half. And I got on the plane and I was asleep and I vaguely remember them saying we had mechanical problems, had a fucking taxi back to the gate. I slept through all of that. Everybody like, Oh, what the fuck? I'm fucking long just gonna take I slept through all of it. And I didn't wake up until we were over the fucking desert, which is perfect. So it was actually was a great flight. But I got some shit to do tomorrow. So I am recording this Sunday afternoon. I usually have a rule that I do not record podcasts.

You know, on days that I fly because I'm usually fucking, I don't know, it does something to me. I'll tell you, it does something to the funny, you know. So anyways, I don't have a team to root for at this point. So you got to be asking yourself, Bill, who the fuck are you rooting for in the playoffs playoffs? Who am I rooting for? I'm not going to waste my time voting for the rooting for the center. It'd be great to see them win because they'd never won. But I'm not going to waste my time with that because, you know, they're a fucking eighth seat. All right. There you go. So that's done. Okay, I think it's going to come down to probably Rangers and Canadians again. Although, so I figured they're the favorites. I'm going to actually I'm going to in the east,

I'm going to root for the capitals. I like the capitals. I like Ovechkin because he actually scores is a goal scorer, but he's not he's not a pussy like most goalscores. You know, they usually got some big guy fucking skating right behind them, you know, stay away from him, stay give him his space. You know, he's got a mean streak to his game. He actually plays a physical game. He has gold laces, which I think is a nice little piece of flair. I do have to say that guy, I think that's, you know, him or taves of my two of my favorite guys to watch like when they but Ovechkin, I know there's something about the way that guy plays. He's always in the exact same spot in the offensive zone. He's just sitting there with his stick up in the air waiting for a

fucking one time. So I'm going to root for those guys, especially if they wear their old school uniforms that has to have the stars on the sleeves. I've always liked those. So I guess I'll root for those guys. And believe it or not, as much as I shit on New York, which I just do because it's fun, you know, I actually liked the Giants, believe it or not, even though they kicked our ass twice in a Super Bowl. Well, kicked our ass the first time, the second time we fucking blew it. Brady DeWelker. I actually, I'm actually a Ranger fan, even though I was a Bruins fan, I shouldn't be because we had a brutal, brutal, brutal fucking rivalry in the 70s. Brad Park was always whining about Bobby or and how he got all that attention. He was fucking jealous. You know

what I mean? He was like the chick that wasn't quite as hot and just sat there fucking staring daggers at the prom queen all through the 70s. Then what's funny is he ended up being a Bruin. But I was too young to remember that. I just, I don't know, I always liked the Rangers. I always liked the original six teams, including the actually, you know, got to respect the Canadians, you know what I mean? Even though, yeah, fucking 12 of their cups, they won probably playing outdoors on a frozen river. We beat the Montreal Maroons and 12 best 12 out of fucking 27 or whatever the fucking was back then. That math didn't work. I know. Go fuck yourself. Best 12 out of what would it be? 12 out of 23. Right? There you go. Cause they had all fucking day back then.

So anyways, I don't know. I like the Kings. I like the Blackhawks. I like the Blues. I think I might root for the Blues because the Kings have won one. I still like the Kings though. I don't know. I like a lot of teams in the West, except for Vancouver. Although Vancouver is not Vancouver anymore. Most of those guys left. They still got the Twins and they got Burroughs. That guy. Thank God for that guy. He's the reason why the Bruins won. Fucking Vancouver was kicking our ass and all of a sudden he just started being a douche. And it was just like, wait a minute. That's what we do. You know, bite somebody in the finger. Come on, man. That's, that's, that's what the fuck you

want to play dirty. Jesus Christ. That's a game. So anyways, um, I have no idea. So I think I'll actually, I'll be watching the Kings and then, um, I actually like, uh, the Blues because they haven't won ever. And, um, that's what I'll do. I'll probably just be rooting for underdogs. But either way, I am always, I'm always excited for the playoffs, even though we didn't fucking make it. What are you going to do? What are you going to be a fucking baby about? Congratulations to the senators. And I look forward to sitting next to you watching a game with you, uh, very soon as we sit there with both of our teams, not in the playoffs. Um, all right. So I did, uh, I mentioned working in Tampa and then Florida. I was down on Miami beach, which is fucking insane.

Miami beach really, it puts Hollywood to shame as far as, uh, beautiful women, uh, train wrecks, plastic surgery, old guys with younger women. I mean, it's just, it's unbelievable. Um, and some of the most, but I do have to say some of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. So I did a couple of shows at the Jackie Gleason theater and, uh, there's no fucking office that they kept that was just like Jackie Gleason's. I forget who the fuck told me that they don't. They have, obviously they just have a green room like, yeah, this was his green room and downstairs. He, he actually had a bed and all that. If he got, uh, if he worked too hard, wink, wink, he would sleep here and, uh, you know, so he'd be here for the next day to go

to work or whatever, but it was still, you know, it was awesome to perform there. And afterwards, we went to this, uh, this after party and, um, it was really cool. I got to see, uh, Chappelle because, uh, he was performing at this theater, the same theater, I should say, a bunch of days. And, uh, I've got the time, you know, I was like, I was psyched to talk to him, but we were in this fucking really loud club, you know, playing that, that, uh, that music that makes me feel old, that computer generated music. And there was all these fucking strobe lights and, uh, I don't know, it was just a bunch of shit going on and they had us in like this roped off area and it was funny because it was like nobody in the club. So rather than looking like this cool VIP area, we looked

like we had some sort of plague. They were trying to entertain us with, uh, horrible music. Maybe slowly kill us. I don't know what, but, um, anyways, I want to thank everybody that, uh, that came out to the shows. I had a, I had an awesome time. So you know what's coming up next to everybody. Oh, the Billy Bible Belt tour. That's the next one. The next one. When the fuck do we start that? I don't even know. Can somebody tell me how to get rid of this stupid updates? Updates available on my computer and it says install or my option is later. And it, my, all I can say is trying an hour, try tonight, remind me tomorrow, turn on auto updates. So just every fucking day I got to click on this thing. I never update.

iTunes is the only thing I update. I never update anything else because it just fills up your fucking computer. It's like my computer works. You know what I mean? I don't know. I don't understand what the problem is here. Um, I don't know. I don't, I never update my phone. I still have the iPhone 4s, which at this point it's starting to fucking, uh, starting to wig out on me here a little bit. I'm going to have to finally give it into it, but, uh, I haven't heard anybody bitch about the six in a while. So I guess, I guess the, uh, the coast is clear and I can actually buy one. I always do that. I always wait for people to buy the phone, bitch about it, and then they fix it and then I buy the next one. I draft behind you. That's

what I do. I'm like a coward in war. I sit in the fucking foxhole in the field of position crying as you guys go over the wall and take it in the face, right? What is this thing doing? Why is it blinking? Just made a noise, right? Am I still recording? I think I'm recording. I don't fucking know. Anyways, the Billy Bible Belt tour. All right. It starts April 18th in Savannah, Georgia. April 19th. We're in Knoxville, Tennessee. Um, the 20th, Chattanooga, Tennessee, 21st. We are in, uh, Memphis, 22nd, Shreveport. Thank you very much, everybody, for, uh, helping me sell these tickets. Why does this thing keep beeping? Ah, fuck. I don't know. I don't even know if I'm fucking recording at this point.

Maybe I'm just doing it for me. All right. The 23rd. We're in New Orleans. All right. We're in there. And then we're there for a couple of days. And then we got Huntsville, Alabama. Then we got, all right, I have to fucking address why this thing is fucking beeping. What is the problem? I have battery power, right? Why do you keep making that? All right. The fucking thing was beeping because the memory was full. I swear to God, man, I have no, I have no instinct when it comes to, uh, electronics, technology, any of this shit. I just, you know, I, I'm a fucking idiot when it comes to this stuff. I like, I like old school shit, you know, anything pre like digital watch. I didn't have a problem with

it. It was simple. You put batteries in the back of it, you know, you fucking wound the hands of the clock. You looked at the clock. There it was. You just plugged it in, right? Isn't that what you did? You wound it up. There you go. I miss those. I miss those days. Nice and fucking simple. You know, oh, Billy, simple town. That day, you know, I'd like to go back to that at some point. Jesus fucking Christ with all of this goddamn shit, this fucking new recorder. There's just so many extra goddamn bells and whistles on it. You know what's funny is they could have just came out with the exact same one and I would have used their other one till it was dead. This is just for these fucking nerds. We're like, dude, have you heard the new one? You know what

the new one does? The same as the old one except a couple other things. Oh, I'm such a cunt when it comes to that stuff. I apologize. I apologize to what at all about that shit. Um, anyways, what the hell was I talking about? Oh, I think I was listing the, uh, the dates on the, uh, the upcoming tour. I believe we cut off the 23rd. I'm in New Orleans, Huntsville, Alabama, the 26th, Jackson, Mississippi on the 27th, Mobile, Alabama on the 28th, Lexington, Kentucky on the 30th and Evansville, Indiana on the 1st. And then we go to the Kentucky Derby. And what's great about this tour is I haven't been to any of these fucking places and, um, so I'm going to be performing in front of a bunch of people that never seen me before. Some never even heard of me. So, uh,

you know, it's weird. This is kind of like when I went through Southeast Asia, except they're doing it in my own country. So, uh, it's going to be a good time. But I'll tell you right now, Oh, Billy's been in the fucking gym. All right, I've been doing the 10s when I'm on the road that workout Bartnick showed me. It's what you do. 10 jumping jacks, 10 burpees, 10 sit ups, 10 push ups, 10, like alternate leg lunges, and then 10 jump squats. And then you do nine, run through it again. Then you do eight run through it again. You go all the way down to one and then I skip rope for two or three rounds. And by the end of that, I'm fucking dead. And I'll tell you right now, you do that. I swear to God, you can drink a 12 pack and eat a fucking

quarter pound of cheese and wake up with a flat stomach. All right, there you go. That's what you need to do. You know, I have a buddy of mine. Oh, I got a friend of mine, you know, he's one of these fucking guys, you know, he's always trying to lose weight, right? But he does like those fad diet things. You know, dude, I've cut out all sugar, you know, or I don't eat carbs, not eating bread, not eating bread. Dude, I cut out bread all together. It's just like how long is that going to last? How can you realistically, realistically not have a fucking sandwich? That's you know what I mean? It's like people who try to quit eating bread. That's like me trying to quit alcohol. It's just it's not going to

happen. Like how long can I realistically go and just remain sober and just go through life? You know, at some point you really you got to you have to drink. And I'm saying this to alcoholics too. All right. I think you guys are way off base with your sobriety. Okay, you're missing the point in life. The point in life is every, you know, you don't do it every day. You just every like, you know, like three days, you get so drunk and belligerent, you hurt everyone around you that you love. And you maybe create a legal problem for yourself. And you know, I know that this is obvious to most of my listeners, but I just don't understand why people go to AA meetings. I'm joking. I just fucking all you got to do is you just start your day with

your fucking oatmeal. He's fucking idiots man sitting there. Dude, I'm done with pickles. I'm not done with anything like I try not to eat McDonald's, but I know at some point, oh, I know I'm going to go in there. And you know what, I'm going to go in there. My heart's going to be fucking racing with excitement, knowing that I'm doing something bad. And I'm going to eat it. And second after I eat it, I'm going to feel like shit. I know I am. I know I am. But I'm not I'm despite that. It's fucking delicious when it's going down. Right. And I know I'm going to fucking hate but everybody just every once in a while. Hey, did you see somebody did the was great somebody did the final four like the bracket thing, the March Madness brackets with fast food.

And I can't tell you how disappointment pointed I was that McDonald's got knocked out in the first round. I just thought it was completely disrespectful. You know, this is this is this is like the Rose Bowl of fast food. These are the ones who stay started at all. Right. March Madness. Let me look this up. And I guarantee you're going to you're going to take it fucking personally. March Madness fast foods images. Come on, Bill. Were you able to find it? Were you able to make computers work for you for once in your life? Ah, Jesus, it's just a bunch of fucking advertising. Oh, well, there it is. There it is. I found it. Holy shit. I can't believe it. All right, visit the page. Visit the page. I click the button. Nothing happens. The vein in my forehead starts to

pulse. But McDonald's got McDonald's gets knocked out in the first round. Give me a fucking break. McDonald's is they're like the Duke of fast of fast food, you know, they just they're just going to be in it, at least to the grade eight. When you say what's your favorite fast food in and out gets fucking knocked out. That had to have been an upset, right? Now this is birthday cake first pie. You know what? Fuck you, internet. I'm so fucking Why can't you just find the shit that I need? I go. All right, so what yet again yet again, you don't need to learn how to do. I need to learn to not just fucking wing this podcast and just search for the shit that I want first, have it and then riff about it. Instead of getting you

guys excited that I'm actually going to complete a fucking thought on here. All right, tapping out of that, not even gracefully. That was just a train wreck. I just fell out of the side of a fucking moving car. That's what just happened. Okay, we went around a corner. I didn't have my seatbelt on the door opened up and then that was it. All freckles right out the side road rash all over the side of his big forehead. So anyways, I actually watched a documentary that I think it was on HBO. My lovely wife recorded it on Frank Sinatra. There's two part series and I got to tell you man, it changed my life. A one part of it and it's the part where he makes his second comeback. Like I guess he was like the first sort of you know, he was like the Justin

Bieber of back then when he when he first did like the when he first started singing, he was a crooner and all the chicks loved him and that type of stuff. And it's funny all the big bands will like the fucking rock bands back then Benny Goodman and Glenn Miller and all them and they're looking like who the fuck is this kid? You know, with all these girls screaming, you know? And also he just speaks to the quality of talent back then in musicianship that like a guy of Frank Sinatra's talent was considered like a like a fucking boy band. I mean granted, you had all that stuff going on back then, right? Miles Davis, Charlie Park and all that type of shit. But they had all this amazing footage and he was in the I think the Tommy Dorsey band. And like all they're doing,

they're talking about Frank and I'm looking at the band and they got buddy rich on drums. They don't even bring it up. It's just was the level of talent. It was just it was fucking unreal. Like you really had to know how to play back then. So what anyways, he had basically after he dropped off, you know, after his crooning thing was over, people thought he was finished. And I think that like the whole rock star thing that was basically he was basically a rock star before rock was, you know, there was no history of anybody ever doing that. So when he fell off, everybody thought he was finished. So when he made his comeback, as the singer of sad songs and lament, whatever the fuck they said, it was considered the greatest comeback in show biz

history. So that wasn't the part that scared me. What scared me was the second time, you know, when he was into his fifties now. I think the first time he fell off, it was just like, I don't know, he's only like his 20s, he was considered older and washed up or something or maybe like into his 30s. So 20 years after that, he has his second one. And this is the one that scared me. And they said Frank was making all these choices, desperately trying to remain relevant. And they had at one point, he was singing with some like Motown group, and they had these really like crazy like, like pimp suits meets like a three musketeers kind of outfit, right late 60s. Crazy shit. And Frank puts on one of these outfits to sing with this popular group.

And he's got that big band swing pulse and they're coming more with like a Motown thing. And I was literally on the edge of the couch watching it with like my fucking head in my hands going like, Oh my God, this happened to Frank Sinatra. Like what the fuck is going to happen to me? And I immediately, since then, have been planning some sort of, I got to have an exit strategy out of this business. I've joked about it before on stage saying how this business at some point is finished with you, whether you like it or not. But you never think about it. All you're thinking about is your next project. You know, it's this business is like a fantasy. It's not like the real world where you're like, I'm going to do this until then. And then when I'm this age,

I'm 65. I think I'm going to retire and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like this business, people just fucking hang around and hang around and hang around and hang around. To the point they fucking hire you and people like when they go on the big bring up your name, they go, I thought he was, is he still alive? Hey, Sharon, try and find out if Bill Burr's still alive. Like that'll fucking happen to me someday if I stick around too long. So all I could, you know what I felt like when I was watching that? I felt like Paulie that seemed in good fellas. All right, when he's talking to Henry, telling him to stay away from the drugs, and he talks about some other dawn, he goes, you hear about so and so, he's going to die in jail.

All right, they ain't fucking happening to me. And I was literally watching Frank wearing that suit. And that's all I could think. I can't say that's not going to happen. I just hope that does not happen to me. I just started having these fucking panic attacks and me coming out on stage on a cruise ship with like a walker. And people just going to see me at that point just to see me. Like, yeah, you know, he's come on. He's been telling dick jokes for 40 years. We got to go see this guy and come out there old age spots on the top of my fucking head that desperately trying to cover up with fucking, I don't know what kind of makeup you've got a goddamn sander, electric sander in the top of my fucking head before I go out there. Yeah, fuck that. I got to I and I think

I know what I'm going to do. This is what I'm going to do. I got to start investing money outside of this business. So I think I need mailbox money coming in outside of this business. So whenever they're done with me, I can just transition. You know, I think I'm gonna I think I'm going to become a slumlord. I'm going to live this like dual life where I'm going to be this smiling entertainer on stage. And I'll do benefits for diseases and underprivileged people and all that and then one day I will get exposed for the monster I truly am and I'll have all these fucking like you'll there'll be like stories about how inexplicably like tuberculosis is coming back and eventually they'll trace it back to this like these four awful towers of apartments

that are owned by this this corporation and they're like well who is behind go fuck yourself ink or whatever Billy Redface who is Billy Redface then they'll fucking they'll bust me then that'll that'll be the end of it now you know I'll blame I'll blame the the astra family out of New York and I'll just be like well I got I got my business model through them I mean they did the same thing and for some reason no one trashed them and they actually got an entire subway stop and piece of New York like named after him you know Aster place why can't we have Billy's place I'll do it in Detroit I'll go I'll go there and I'll buy up a whole block you know and then rather than redoing it I'll rent it out to crackheads just you know

I'm just I'm just throwing shit against the wall here just just just go easy here with this uh this this business model I'll rent it out to some crackheads right and um ah it's a stupid idea they don't have money all right so they have to get them out of there do you know you get crack it out of your house you get you got to go uh you got you you got a bright flashlight and a garden house that's what you do and you just you just and you don't have it on full blast you just have it on like that you know when you when you're watering a dainty flower in your garden you do you ever do that sitting out there you know subconsciously scratching your ass that's basically how you do it except you hold one

with like a flashlight and then you just sort of you water them you know water's good for you that's like their kryptonite and they they get out of there you didn't treat them like house cats they get up on the couch you know you just keep doing that so the the hardest part is getting the water turned back on while they're still in there you know I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about but anyway so I watched that thing anybody see it it's scared the shit out of me this whole fucking thing of getting old and not being fucking relevant and all of that type of stuff and uh I don't know desperately trying to figure out where the fuck do you go where do you turn to you know what I mean this is why I like not having kids is fucking scary because then you

know that you can lean back on your kids like well they'll take care of me you know at least they'll stick me in a fucking home or something I can eat applesauce as I yell at the wall am I sitting in my own fucking feces right I mean wait till it rains and I stick my old ass out the window and I wash it oh Jesus Bill well you know whatever go fuck yourself it scared me I got a little scared so I'm thinking of being a uh I think I'm gonna become a slum lord on the side so I'll let you know if uh I can find an apartment building that cost about I don't know about seven eight grand I can go down to home depot put some fucking uh pcp fucking pipe in a pcv pipe and whatever fuck it's kind of what it's called that's what I'll do I'll be a monster on the side

while I smile and wave at benefits that is my exit strategy so this is my question for you guys you guys in the real world all right because I'm not even joking about how frightening that was to watch what what is uh what is your exit strategy if you have a career right now all right and if you do have children do you think that you have raised your children in a way that they are both smart enough to have a career where the it where they can take care of you and secondly where were you nice enough to them that they don't hate your fucking guts that they don't give a shit you know you know they don't care if you rot in a fucking old folks home were you nice enough to them that they don't resent you or were you not selfish enough that

they picked up on your selfish habits and they're like yeah I don't give a fuck about my dad or my mom you know that's what I'm asking I'm asking the tough questions here on the moment because all right let's read some of the fucking advertising here for this week um all right here is well I was actually supposed to read something else first for the Thursday afternoon Monday morning podcast just before Friday um you know that's just basically me fucking around for half hours as opposed to the serious shit that happens on Monday then we play some greatest hits from podcasts gone by I was wondering you know if you guys if there's any subjects you guys want me to talk about if there's an article that pissed you off maybe once a week I will do a a rant for you

all right if you if there's something you want me to fucking go off on I'll try to work up some sort of passion for it uh you can actually um send it to the uh at the mm podcast with the hashtag TAMMP Thursday afternoon Monday morning podcast and just do it on like Wednesday because if you do it today by the time Thursday comes around I'm too stupid to figure out how to where the hell they are at that point okay do it if you want to if you'd like to send me an email to be read on the podcast bill at the mmpodcast.com all right and with that here's your favorite part of the podcast everybody you get to listen old freckles read out loud here all right me undies oh shit right out of the gate I gotta sing here me undies me undies no more sweaty balls boop boop

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that's draftkinks.com i gotta give it up to these guys they found a way to make the dog days of baseball you know they always say the dog days of summer it's the dog days of baseball after fucking april you know what i mean you're already jonesen for football what a great way to watch baseball you know throwing your mortgage on the line when the cubs are playing the candles no i actually i don't know every time i read that i start thinking that kind of fun to put together a team stay under the salary cap oh my god i'm gonna be one of those guys that fucking plays fantasy football all right let's read one well let me what i got here all right we'll read one more dollar shave club everybody dollar shave club oh my god mossy have you heard

about dollar shave club oh you can shave your twat and there's no razor bumps you've heard me talking about dollar shave club dot com the company that delivers amazing razors for a few bucks i know a razor that costs a few bucks delivering a great shame seems too good to be true right but you really have to try the razors the dollar shave club dot com razors will give you the most amazing shave that you've had in years don't pay triple the price when you can get a fantastic shave delivered for just a couple of bucks um you have to be an idiot to keep overpaying i love i always fuck up reading that sentence when i go you have to be an idiot and i can't even read this sentence i am a massive celebrity and i'm constantly getting my picture taken by

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or they don't hear it let's go fuck yourself dot org go fuck yourself dot org go fuck yourself dot org um all right let's read some content here for this week um what do we got here all right the thursday afternoon monday morning podcast okay bill in case the rest of the morons who listen to your podcast haven't extended a thank you yet let me do so on behalf of them for the thursday afternoon monday morning podcast that comes in just before friday there i love the music between the old clips especially last weeks my wife and i were listening on the way to work and she pointed out that you sound different on thursday's monday you come out of the gate and by thursday you seem more at peace it's probably too early to claim a pattern but

we'll see anyways thank you again ah Jesus christ can women ever just fucking not be trying to figure you out they're fucking weird sorry i needed a drink there you know he seems more i like the thursday bill like just like and you know what and they always act like what they're trying to do is to make your life better and all she's doing she's like they're constantly gaining like uh reconnaissance like information you know what i mean because generally speaking less should you date one of those ufc chicks you know what i mean they can't beat the shit out of you so they got to go cerebral so they are constantly on some sort of surveillance mission

even on a guy that isn't in their fucking lives just weirded me out that she's listening to it at that level and you know what's funny she just does it naturally who the fuck else would be thinking that he seems more um melancholy on wednesdays but on saturdays there's a light there's a light at the end of the tunnel ah Jesus Christ maybe because monday's i'm flying back from somewhere and i'm hungover how about that maybe that's what it is but i'll tell you right now i'm never more at peace um i'm actually happy somebody would ever think that they heard that in my voice all right i'm gonna read this next one i'm gonna read it in my i guess my thursday let me try to get myself more at peace here need advice hey billy bitch tits i need your help

my girlfriend of three years has been acting really strangely lately things were fine up until two months ago we were banging and hanging all the time without i can't do this we were banging and hanging oh jesus are you high fiving while you were fucking too all the time yeah i'm gonna come up top bro up top up top bro jesus let's just fucking switch a route there huh um we were banging and hanging all the time without any problems at all except for the odd fight over which restaurant to go to life was pretty sweet anyways lately she's never been available between 7 p.m and 10 p.m and when i do reach her after 10 p.m she's really grumpy and doesn't want to talk to me she tells me it's not me and not to worry it'll be better soon but

she's been like this for the last two months and there's no end in sight she's also keeps canceling our plans at the last minute saying she's not feeling up to going out she's never act like this before and we've known each other for seven years oh jesus a seven-year itch there anyways yesterday was the breaking point i called her around 9 30 p.m and she told me to go fuck myself and hung up on me i called her back 45 minutes later and i'll be honest i was crying a little oh god she's in your heart now dude well seven years she's gonna be uh what was different was that this time she was crying too when she said she was really sorry and at the last two months oh fuck you i'm not even gonna read that come on man hey andrew quit sending me the fucking troll

ones all right election uh i i mean i gotta read it because it was funny but i mean i don't want to turn all of these questions into the evidence and wah wah wah it was just a joke because then i don't have anything to fucking tell you that was she had been watching the bruins and blah blah blah blah blah basically if that was a real one she would have been crying the entire season uh yeah don't send me these things because then this is what helps me talk for a fucking half hour if if every one of these is going to be like oh i fucking trolled you yeah you know anyways election dear capitol hill bill can we get your thoughts on the 2016 election hillary ron paul or rand paul ted cruise uh thoughts on any of them or what direction you think this country is going in

um i think hillary's got a great shot because she's a woman and there'll be a big pressure to not say she stinks because you'll get branded as a sexist um i'm sick of the clinton family and the bush family i i just i need a fresh face to be lying to me that's the one thing i've loved about obama over the last eight years at least it was a different face you know just shoveling a bunch of shit at me as opposed to just fucking i mean can we just get out of the fucking bush clinton bush clinton i don't want to do that you know i really don't and also when a woman becomes president it's gonna it's gonna crush me to watch how excited women are going to be as if it's going to make a bit of fucking difference and i don't mean that in some hateful way towards women i just

can't stand people who fucking honestly look at the presidential office as if that person can can do anything you know this is going to get this is going to get fucking dark here i think it's all bullshit when you look at what fucking politicians make it's pathetic it's pathetic what they make four and a grand to be president you get two and it's something grand to be a goddamn senator all right and all of those offices cost millions and millions and millions and millions of fucking dollars to get so you have to go to all these other fucking guys and then you owe all of them favors so you're bought and paid for before you even get into the fucking office and then what happens is afterwards somehow like like something ridiculous like 65 to 70 percent of

senators are multimillionaires it's like how the fuck did you do that if you just made a couple hundred grand a year because you're gonna get whacked in half in taxes you know what i mean i just think the whole fucking thing is corrupt and um look at obama the first african-american president you would think that they would be that that should have been the most liberal fucking guy ever and he wasn't it was just to me it was just more of the same more of the fucking more of the uh oh these people are gonna get us more of that shit and just getting everybody to hate everybody all around the fucking world it's just been all of that same exact shit and i don't think you know any of those guys i don't know if who's who's you know the woman that i do like

is the one who's fucking actually calling out the banks and say we need to break up the monopoly that's the one that i like out of everybody that have heard talk she's the one that i'm actually like wow she's actually saying something you know um but i mean if she actually tried to do that she would get whacked and i totally believe that she would she get i don't know that they even have to fucking whack you now they can just they'll just destroy you if i don't know they'll go through your emails and they'll kill you that way but uh that's that's what i that's what i feel and all that i think it's uh i think it's hopeless and um yeah we're gonna fuck it all up and the world at some point will be unlivable because it'll be so polluted and overpopulated and then we'll

basically i don't know something will happen a volcano or merciful asteroid and uh that's those are my beliefs so there you go hey maybe that woman was right that i am more at peace and hopeful on thursday re-ask me that on thursday i'll be like you know what i think hillary is wonderful it'd be so great for women everywhere and men all right thoughts on pete rose hey bill big fan i know you're very passionate about sports was curious where you stood on pete rose with all-star game in sincenady this year now if ever would be the time to get for him to get reinstated now that you got podcasts twice a week thought you might have time to rant about pete rose sometime check out the link below if you have a minute song i wrote put rose in the hall of fame

love you brother um i don't know you know i think when you fuck up like he did i mean that's the number one thing you're not supposed to do you're not supposed to uh gamble on baseball because that fucks with the the uh the integrity of the game beyond like even like steroids because then you're literally like trying to lose a game possibly which at least with steroids you're trying to fucking win at least you're trying to fucking win and i know he says i never bet against my team but i mean i don't know if anybody knows a fucking degenerate gambler i mean eventually you know you get yourself into situations and you need that one big score and there's 162 games hey why don't i bring that guy up from triple a and put him on the mound see what

happens um at the last second of course um i wouldn't mind if they put him in at this point i feel like he paid the price but i had no sympathy for the guy uh you know for the first like 20 years of the shit but um at this point he's an old man just put him in there i mean the guy he was so great for baseball and it's just unfortunate that he had that problem and um i i think he paid the price i'd let him back in there you go huh there's a little thursday attitude for you wasn't that nice i almost had a little tear in my eye um all right where are we going here uh dare devil jesus christ dare devil dear wonder bill you don't strike me as much of a comic book fan yeah i liked him when i was a little kid

you know oh boy do you think aquaman could beat electric man what about the gas burner but you should really check out the new dare devil show on netflix the fighting is great he gets his ass kicked which adds to the reality of one guy walking into a room and facing seven others vincent dinofrio all right i'm already in risario dawson all right i'm in one of the hot chicks from true blood is in it it's dark as hell please report back with a review uh are you caught up on the following i never saw the following um i'm trying to find where the fuck i can watch the pilot to better call sol they don't have it as far as i can tell up on amc if anybody can find me that like the first two episodes i have the rest of the season taped episode three through the finale

i have to do that first and then i'm going to go to dare devil i really want to get into lord of the rings but i just hate fucking period pieces with the fucking i just hate the clothes you know what i mean they're walking around in those castles with no central heating and nobody is ever shivering i just can't get into it um all right what is the following what is the following what the fuck is that that is that it better not be a werewolf zombie or vampire thing if i had to guess the following is that about somebody who starts a church is that what it is come on old computer you can do it this is how long it takes my fucking period my god damn neighborhood because we won't have one of those fake internet trees because it will muscle the integrity of the aesthetics

the following the following uh watch the most current episode on hulu the following tv series a brilliant and charismatic yet psychotic serial killer communicates with other active serial killers how the fuck have i not been watching this this is tremendous and advocates a cult of believers following his every command all right so what they did was they took the charlie mansett thing and they they added a little little a little extra thing to it he used to have to stand in front of him now he's he can do whatever the fuck he wants all right i'm in dude can i did there's never been another time in the history of television where there's been this many unbelievable shows to watch like it's insane i don't get why a tv show is so fucking great and it's so hard

to find a good movie now you know i mean people steal tv shows too i'm starting to think movies don't have an excuse anymore everything doesn't have to be a fucking hundred million dollar uh i don't know you don't actually did see a great movie i don't know if i brought this up did anybody see uh wild tales is the name of it it was um a movie made by some director out of argentina it's fucking phenomenal it's like six back-to-back stories um almost it kind of seems like like a format like a tarantino type of thing that he would do but they're unrelated but there's a a overall theme of this really dark comedy uh revenge and that type of stuff and it's um me and nia saw it the other day we absolutely fucking loved it um called wild tales um

definitely definitely check it out man it was it was um i don't know it was a great movie you know all right a great book bill i am reading this book um called men on strike why are why men are boycotting marriage fatherhood and the american dream and why it matters oh Jesus dude why would you abandon all of that it is it is a very in-depth look at the lack of paternal rights and laws in this country i've been talking to a lot of younger guys in the military about it so they don't get caught up um yeah but what they should have is on is the back end of that like okay so if you're never going to get married and you're never going to become a dad and have the picket fence and all that you what you need to do is you need to go hang out with some old playboys who are in their 50s

early 60s and you will see a a sadness in their eyes that you do not want your soul i will tell you that because as much you know as much as i go off and make fun of women and everything you know i am 10 times harder to live with you know so i mean they're they're tortured by us too but i really can tell you that going solo is not the way um for most people i would think i mean some people are just wired that way i mean i have a little bit of that like i am a big time big time loner i got this weird thing where i won't shut the fuck up when i'm with my friends but like anytime we have like company and shit i swear to god i swear to god like i i can only do it for like eight to ten minutes and all of a sudden i just have to get up and walk out and be by myself

sit outside in the porch just staring at a tree it's really fucking weird um unless maybe i'm just selfish unless the subject is something that i'm interested in what everybody's talking about i gotta whisper this shit my wife here says she's gonna be pissed uh great pill and then post it like she's not gonna find out about it um no i just my brain just shuts down that's basically what happens and it's something you said about me a long time ago she goes you just if you don't give a fuck about something you just stop listening and it's really annoying and it's like all right well i thought i was listening to my inner voice you know i mean what what the fuck i am i am i am always amazed at people that

have really good social graces you know what i mean they come in they know how to throw a party make sure everybody's comfortable they notice that somebody's drink is empty and all of that i just i just like hey how you doing all right booze is over there see you later don't talk to me you know i come more with that vibe um not gonna tell you right now the second i'm done uploading this fucking thing like uh i don't know i'm just gonna go sit out on my porch just staring at a tree thinking nothing i don't know i think i'm probably slowly losing my fucking mind who knows um all right let me read the last mercifully read the last couple of these live reads clicking on this scrolling down

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send out all my billy the bible belt fucking tore posters for the tour that's coming up this thursday billy the bible belt no billy the billy bible belt tore i can't even say it and i'm a moron if i can figure out how to use their scale and all that shit so can you remember for the my remember my special offer go to stamps.com before you do anything else click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in burr burr that stamps.com enter burr i actually have to confess to stamps.com i went to the post office the other day you know what it was um i just wanted some colorful stamps every once in a while you know i want some nice stamps and i got these i got these i stood in line and it was a shit show and it was every reason why

i don't like going down there and i came up in line and of course i was the next in line and then the fucking person hit puts the next window sign there it really should just say go fuck yourself and then point a different direction so i got battle of new orleans the war of 1812 stamps which i think are pretty cool and then i got these crazy circus ones and i hate the circus got a bunch of scary clowns there's a tiger and an elephant which you know were abused i don't know why i'm telling you this and then i got a bunch that had flowers on them usually have some cool shit though they have like you know race cars and shit like that you know what i mean what are you fucking eight years old well hey you know what i'm a big kid

go fuck yourself i enjoy that type of stuff anyways um this is the this is the deal for this week man the biggest thing in my life here is this bus tour coming up and i gotta tell you uh i'm so fucking excited to be going to these cities because i've never been there and i'm gonna be in front of a bunch of people that i haven't had the opportunity to to perform in front of and their vibe i'm never gonna i'm it's gonna be a new experience you know when you get out of your comfort zone and there's gonna be a lot of shit that i'm gonna say that they're gonna take maybe in a different way which will cause other things to happen it's gonna be and it's gonna be so much fun and i'm gonna not understand what they're saying sometimes the other way around it's the

fucking greatest and uh it's gonna be me paul versey and jason lawhead and uh i can't wait so please if you're in the area please come out tell your friends about it and uh we'll give you a great show and with that that is the podcast for this week so once again congratulations to the senators you guys deserved it you were the better fucking team congratulations to the penguins the fucking penguins um rangers even the canadiens congratulations all you guys i hope you guys whatever i'm not gonna be a cunt about this all right good luck to all of you i hope all your dreams come true even though it will only happen for one fan base um so i'm rooting for the capitals and uh i've kind of become a king's fan i gotta admit it but uh i will also be rooting for the blues

um just because they haven't won it i don't even know are the predators in it i root for something like that then the jets they haven't won it i don't know who gives a fuck this kind of a freedom for your team not being in it then you know you can stop rooting i don't think i root against i will always root against the canadiens it's my job as a bruins fan that's it go fuck yourselves i'll talk to you next week