Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-14-14

Episode Date: April 14, 2014

Bill rambles about Old money stunting, Hitler's softer side and butchering the French language.

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I've been sitting here. I'm still in France. This is the last fucking week I'm in France. Last couple of days here. So that's why I'm still using the garage band thing and it sounds a little weird. But I've been sitting here for fucking a half hour waiting for the lovely Nia to leave the apartment so I can do the goddamn podcast. She's probably going to come back here in the end.

But does anything take fucking longer? I know this is a hacky bit and it's been done a zillion times. But every comic out there wears a fucking sweater and works totally clean. They go, ah, guys do this and women do that. But does anything fucking take longer than a woman getting ready to leave? I actually had a Diane laugh and she grabs this fucking bag and the amount of shit she's putting in it. I was like, are you going on an excursion?

She had medicine in there. She grabbed like fucking three different things to put on her head or around her neck. Scarves, fucking whatever. I don't know. Why? Does it take so long to leave? I just kept saying get the fuck out of here. Anyways, so I don't even know what the fuck I'm going to talk about this week because I haven't been doing shit.

I haven't watched shit. I haven't talked on a cell phone in forever. I'm completely out of the loop. Like I finally just checked in with the NHL, NHL.com to see what the hell was going on. Oh, and by the way, if you lived over here, you would get into soccer or football. You'd get into rugby. You'd watch all those sports and you'd enjoy it. They're great games.

That's what I realized once I've been over here fucking long enough. And at some point you have to watch a goddamn sporting event, you know? And you go in there and everybody's into the thing and you just get sucked into it. Like I'm actually rubber-necking down when I walk by screens and there's a soccer game on. And I never watch, you know, I don't watch that shit. And late last night I did catch the ending of the Masters. I think Bubba Watson won. I hope he did.

I saw when he birdied and he went up by three. And then I checked in on the internet when he had two holes to play and he seemed like he had it. But I promised my wife I would come back here and watch. I swear to God, the devil wears Prada. You know, trying to keep the peace, I agree to come back and watch this fucking film. And I got to tell you, it was worse than I thought it was going to be. I figured if Meryl Streep is in it, you know, it's got to be good on some level. Watch that movie or somebody can somebody actually, I don't want to do this to a guy.

Is there a woman out there that can do this? Can you somehow cut that movie down to how many times a scene starts with one or two people walking fast into the scene? That whole fucking, the whole ridiculousness of fashion in general and these fucking people walking in. Okay, I need six dresses of this and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and all that. And like, I couldn't watch the movie because within the first three minutes, I'm yelling at the screen to Meryl Streep's character. You don't get it yourself, you silverhead cunt, right? So Nia's punching me and she was just so ridiculously mean in that movie that after a while, I didn't have any sympathy for the big brown-eyed girl who sat there getting abused. So finally after like a half hour, I start like nodding off.

Granted, I got a couple of beers in me, you know, more than a couple. Okay, I've been drinking this shit over here, 1664. It's hilarious for typical Americans, Nia's sitting there going, was that the year of the French Revolution? And the only reason why I knew it wasn't was because I just, you know, being in France, you stumble across some shit about that again. I think that was 1789. So we looked it up to see what the significance was and it was just the year that the brewery started. So anyways, I've been knocking those things back. Those have been my core's light over here, the 1664, whatever the fuck year it is. And anyways, so I lasted about maybe 45 minutes into it and the dude from Monterey's in it and they didn't give him anything to do the poor bastard. All he had to do is just sit there and be like, what? She was being a bitch again? Can I make you some food? You look hot. I want to fuck you.

That was his scene every fucking time you saw him. So anyways, you're like, I'm reviewing this movie that came out. I thought like three years ago, I guess it was like 10 years ago. But anyway, so I pass out slash falls and right before I go to sleep, I say to Nia, go wake me up when she tells this woman to go fuck herself. And she goes, okay, I will. And she didn't, you know, I guess why would you? Why would you wake up somebody who finally nodded off? Who's been calling one of the main characters a silver haired cunt? I understood a decision. You know, but the next day I woke up and I said, so what did she finally say to her? And she goes, actually she didn't say anything. She just sort of walked away. What a horrible movie.

Oh, anyways, where we're staying, the guy runs the place is from, he's from London. And he was talking about some that Woody Allen movie that had won an Oscar. I was downstairs. He goes, did you, he's like, did you say that? I go, yeah, yeah, I saw it. And I go, yeah, I liked it. I thought it was great. And he goes, you thought it was great. He goes, I thought it was absolute rubbish. I love when English people say that rubbish was absolute rubbish. It didn't go anywhere. It's like, it movie starts, the woman's crazy. And I can't do the English accent. He basically said in the end of the movie, she's still crazy. He goes, I thought a movie's supposed to lift you up and take you somewhere. Said the movie didn't take you anywhere. I do admit, I couldn't argue with this criticism of it.

I still liked it. Jesus, what am I fucking Siskel and Ebert over here? I got nothing to talk about people. I really don't. So as I was mentioning, I checked in with the, with the NHL to see what was, what was going on. And lo and behold, it's time for the playoffs. So having not watched any of the shit for weeks now, I'm going to give you my picks. These are my picks. All right. First round, we got the Bruins. Here we go, Bruins. Here we go. First, the Detroit Red Wings, who are now in the East for those of you who have been sleeping.

I don't know. I think I'm going to go with the Bruins on that one. Then you got the fucking hated habs against the lightning. I take the habs. I think Pittsburgh's going to beat the blue jackets. And I like the flyers to beat the fucking Rages over in the West. The best thing about the West, if you're a fan of a team from the East, is that they're all going to beat the shit out of each other and only one's going to be left in the finals. That's the only thing I can say about that because they look fucking strong out there. I'm going to say Minnesota in an upset over the abs.

Unfortunately, I don't think St. Louis is going to get by Chicago. I'm pulling for those guys to finally fucking make a run. Anaheim's going to beat Dallas and I think the Kings are going to beat San Jose. And those are my picks with absolutely no information behind them. I have not watched a hockey game in two weeks. So there you go. No information behind those picks. I'm picking them like a fucking, like a chick. When you know what that means, most of those will probably come in.

Don't put any money on it because I don't want to deal with that. So you're probably asking yourself, so they're fucking French Freddy. What the hell did you do this week? I continued butchering their language. I picked up some new expressions or a couple of words. An old plat means a flat water. You know what's funny too? I noticed the way they don't say we, they say way.

Like way. And then it means like yeah. That's like you going, yes. And then they immediately know, even with that one word that you're a tourist, forget about your fucking Bruins hat that you're wearing. You know, if they say would you like a beer and you go, yes, instead of yeah. Yes, I would like a beer, mister. Thank you. If you please.

But they've been cool as hell. So anyways, I actually went out to Omaha Beach this weekend. I got to tell you something. If you ever get a chance, you got to do it. It was, you know what? It's not really something I can express in words. It was unbelievably moving.

It was iconic. I don't know where to start. We set up a private tour because I can't stand. I hate group tours because when you go on group tours, you know, aside from seeing fat people in jean shorts, there's going to be that douche who like has read up on the subject and is actually going to try to out nerd the nerd given the fucking tour. And, you know, which all it does is just drag the tour out.

Like, you know, I mean, I'm into it, but I don't need to hear every fucking nooky nook and cranny. You know, just give me the fucking bullet points. Give me the highlights. All right. And with that, if I want to go deeper into this shit, I'll do it on my own. You know, but you know, there's going to be somebody standing there dressed like some Civil War reenactor, right? Just that shit. So I don't want to deal with that.

And then also, if you have a question, you don't have to wait for anybody else. So that's basically why I choose to do it like that. So basically you show up and the driver takes you. And is it Bayou or Bayou? I don't know where the hell it is. I don't know how you say it. Oh, this is fucking hilarious. So I rented a car.

Once again, control freak. I don't want to take a fucking shuttle out there with another 20 douchebags. I don't. All right. So and then we rented this car one way from, we took the train from Paris out to Bayou and it was amazing. Just an amazing ride, you know, beautiful scenery and that type of thing. Unless you're looking at somebody's house, then it's always ugly. Houses near train tracks are always ugly because basically what you're seeing is the backyard of somebody who can't afford to not live right next to the fucking train tracks.

But when you get out of the towns, the scenery is beautiful. So we get out at Bayou or whatever it's what I'm going to call it. Bayou, Bayou, whatever the fuck you call it. And I go to the rental car place and now we're in the shit. Okay. In Paris, she run into people that can speak English. We're fucking out there. And, you know, for the most part, nobody speaks any English.

And when it was actually fun, I kind of learned what my wife does when she talks to people like she doesn't understand most of what they're saying. She just looks at what they're doing. And at some point they'll give away kind of the betray basically what the fuck they're saying. And what it is, is not freaking out. And you kind of got to sit in the pocket and wait for them to point at something, do some sort of shoulder shrug. Because you're renting a car, which you've done a zillion times. So you know what happens if they basically say, hey, how are you? And you're like, hi, my name is so and so I want a car.

And then they'll say the next thing is, do you have an ID or do you have a reservation number? You kind of know the series of questions. And it's just something about, there'll be either one word that you pick up or just something that they point or something. Like I asked this woman where the bathroom was. We went out to this fucking Jesus Christ. We went out to this. I don't know what you call it. What do you call it when people just take their old shit and they just, they all go to the same dirt parking lot.

A bizarre, a market. We went to this fucking market. So the great thing about this market was they had it in the same place in the middle of the country every fucking week. And so somebody built like a little restaurant up there where you could go drink. It was the greatest market I've ever been to, right? Sitting there waiting around all this shit. I gotta tell you, my wife found some gems in there, but I just don't have the patience. It's just sitting out on a damn table.

It just looks like shit to me. So I went in and I had a couple of beers and this woman didn't speak any English. And finally I asked her, you know, ooh, hey, late, late toilet. And she's still looking at me like, what? And I'm like, Jesus Christ, I can't even convey that to you. The fucking toilet, Siebu play, right? So she starts going a mile a minute in French and I'm like, I'm fucked. I don't, and she's pointing out the door and I have no idea what she's saying.

And then she kind of does this loop around sort of motion with her hand. And I'm like, oh, it's outside and around the fucking corner. And lo and behold, there was WC water closet. That's what they call it. They call it a water closet. Because that sounds much better than a, than a shit shack, whatever the fuck you'd call it, right? So I go in there and I didn't have my phone on me. I really wish I could have taken a picture.

I basically, you stand on this porcelain thing and there's a hole in the ground you just pee into. It's like these two porcelain like things you're supposed to stand on. I'm like, I'm not fucking standing on those things. So I stood behind the porcelain thing and I got a little hot going, you know, like Larry Bird and the three point contest, just one after another going right in the hole. And, you know, I missed the last 10 seconds. Anyways, what was my point? Oh, so anyway, so we go to, we go to Bayou Bayou, whatever the fuck you call it.

And, oh yeah, so, oh that's right. So I'm renting a car and this is something that I've known. I've noticed now that is international. Anytime you rent a car one way, that location is going to give you the fucking that car that nobody wants to rent. It's going to be a fucked up color. It's going to be a fucked up model, something about it. You know what these people rented? We rent with two people.

That's all we are. They gave us this giant Mercedes van, like a nine passenger fucking van. And I'm driving through these little European streets with this thing with like two pieces of luggage all the way in the back. And I know what you're thinking, well, build some Mercedes. This is what you don't realize about Mercedes is they have a lot of low end fucking underpowered cars that they don't send over to the United States. A lot of those, I just, they just feel they can't compete with Hondas, Toyotas, and I don't know, whatever the Americans are putting out or what. But this thing was an underpowered hunk of shit with the Mercedes emblem on the steering wheel. And I was trying, I can't tell you how many fucking times I clipped a corner trying to drive this bus around the corner.

So long story short, I'm driving this giant fucking Partridge family Mercedes Benz truck down the damn street. We get to our hotel, everything, you know, everything's great. And we take a quick cat nap and then this guy shows up this guy from Scotland. And he took us on this unbelievable tour of basically Omaha Beach in this other area, some point, I already forget the name of it. And this guy was an absolute maniac, absolutely obsessed with World War II and obsessed with D-Day. And he had all these photographs that he had blown up from other books and was talking about misinformation. And it was an incredible tour. The first point of the tour, you actually like the pillboxes and stuff, you know, where the Germans had their machine guns or it was a little barracks.

It was a place to keep their ammunition. They're still there. You know, the guns aren't there, but basically where they were is still there. And you get to walk into these things. Like on the ground where these cement bags that Germans had put, you know, and it's rained, you know, and it all turned hard. And now like you can't even, if you look at them, they actually look like rocks. They look like white rocks, but they're actually bags of cement. And you just look in that going like a German soldier set those fucking things down.

And then all the events happened and here they sit 70 years later. It gave you goosebumps. And this guy knew all the history. He goes, this is where private so-and-so came in. He threw a grenade. You can see the shrapnel on the wall and you're looking and there's the fucking shrapnel. We walked into this one bunker and right to the right was a little like probably just enough for someone to stand. And it had like, and it was about two inches below the floor that you were at as far as like where the floor was there.

And it was a little shower and our tour guy said Hitler got gassed in World War One. So he made sure that all of these bunkers had showers in case, because I guess, you know, such a horrific experience for him, you know, that he made sure like none of the troops were going to get caught out there like he did. And it was this really bizarre, like human moment from one of the most evil people on the fucking planet. It's like, wow, that guy actually did something nice. So there you go, people. He's not all bad. When you walk into a German bunker, he made sure they all had a little shower.

So there you go. There's one good thing. He still has six to nine million, you know, bad things in the other part of the ledger, but he does have that one thing. I bet that was the thing after he blew his brains out if there is an afterlife and God was giving him shit. I bet he just kept coming back to that. But I put a shower. I did not have to do that. You know, he lost his temper and started yelling at God, you know, God just sat there shaking his head.

But part of him had to be like, I made this. What the fuck was I doing on that day? And then he just presses that little button under his desk, which is why would it be under his desk? Like, what's he nervous? He's running shit. He's like the dawn of all dawns. I bet he just let him talk. Sit there stammering, dancing around sweating before he fucking opened the trap door.

Anyways, what am I talking about here? Let me let me do a little bit of advertising. And I'll get back to this shit here. And I apologize for the sound of the clicking. I know this is annoying, but what do you want from me? Well, Bill, we'd like a professional podcast. Well, then you know what? Listen to a professional podcast. Don't listen to this one.

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All right. So anyways, so back to the tour. So we're walking in out of these bunkers and, oh my God, and even on the way there. This tour was so good. Like they had all like those, I guess English people call them hedge rows. You know, back in the day to mark your property, you grew these giant like rows of bushes that I forget what they call, but they had the guy actually let us get out and touch some of them.

They had like these thorns on them that would just rip you to shreds. And, you know, they were like seven, eight feet high and could be upwards of eight feet across. There was no way to get through them. So I know in that saving private Ryan, they showed a little bit of the fighting that was going on, but you couldn't even see through them even today, most of them. You couldn't even see through them. So as you're walking up the road, right on the other side,

you could have been an entire, you know, I don't know, what do you call it, a platoon, a division of Germans. It was absolutely insane. So they used to send patrols out. They'd hack a little way through it and they would send a patrol into these fields. And I guess the rule of thumb in war, which I, you know, I don't know anything about it is they never, they never shoot at a patrol because then you only get like three, four guys. What you want the patrol to think is that it's safe.

And then they wait to the entire company basically marches three quarters of the way into the field. When they have nowhere to hide, they would just mow them down. And the Germans would put like just a couple of nests. Machine gun nests could handle each one of these fields. I mean, it just seemed like after you got off the beach, you're thinking like, okay, now it's going to get a little easier. And it's just, it was just a, it was a shit show basically. So anyways, so we saw the initial area, whatever the fuck that was called.

And then he's taken us down to Omaha Beach. And I got to tell you, it was like, you know, it's great. It's a famous beach. You look at it and it's undeniable. That's Omaha Beach. And this guy broke down the, the entire thing. You know, I didn't even feel worthy of like walking on to the beach. Like it had like that level of effect on me, which I, you know, I did.

I didn't know what I was going to think when I got there, but it was. It's incredible when he shows you the pictures and then he starts pointing out on the bluffs where the Germans were and how few that there were. But I guess the bombing run, we fucked it up. We didn't do it right on that one where we did it much better on the other beaches, Utah and all that. But we, I don't know. I don't know. It was, it was, uh, if you, if you can somehow get over here and do it, you know,

all you got to do is just get the plane ticket. You can stay in a hostel, have a banana. There's your fucking breakfast. Jump on the train and go out there. I highly suggest anybody who's ever thought about doing it. Uh, you will not be disappointed. And then in the end, um, the end of the tour, he takes you up to the cemetery. Uh, the American cemetery.

It's just, it's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. And they play taps at the top of every hour and right as we got there, you know, probably there for like three minutes. And you look at it, all of, all of those graves, all of those people that died trying to stop this maniac. And, uh, and then they play taps. I mean, it's overwhelming to say the least. Um, and then of course there's also the English cemetery, which a lot of Americans don't know,

because we watch the American movies and they make it seem like it was just the Americans who were over there. Uh, as always, but you know something, you know what? The fucking, this English guy downstairs was laughing, giving me shit about how all the American movies, like even Argo, he goes, you know, the English and Dutch helped you guys out with that. And I go, well, you know, you guys will make your movie then. And he's laughing. I'm like, you guys do it too.

Cause I'm one time I was on opiate Anthony, the great opiate Anthony radio program with little Jimmy, Jimmy, and these guys came in from England and they had made a documentary about, uh, the late great beast of a comic, Bill Hicks. And they were talking about how Bill Hicks went to England. That's where he had to go to get his, his buzz going and then came back and took America by storm. And he's sitting there saying, he said this, one of the documentary guys was going, uh, and while England was listening to Bill Hicks, people in America were busy wasting their time listening to, listening to carrot top.

And I forget if I said it on air or not. I wanted, I was just like, dude, you realize that you're in America right now. You do realize that. So if you're going to spin these yarns, like I was alive during this fucking time. Is that what I was doing? And I'm not shitting on carrot top either. I think the guy's funny. But like, I was like, oh, I thought I was listening to Carlin and, uh, Sam Kinnison.

I thought I really liked Sam Kinnison. And, uh, evidently I didn't, uh, you know, everybody does that shit. You know, we did everything and we understood. And these guys were idiots. So, uh, so fuck you, England. You know, you do the same shit. Anyways, I've been over here too long. I'm not going to lie to you as fun as this is.

This is the most relaxed I've been in forever. And, uh, but I am ready to go home and I'm ready to go back to work. I'm ready to start telling jokes again. And I miss the hell out of my dog. I'm literally walking around. Um, every dog I see was, was staying in this fucking, uh, uh, Saint Tropez or as the locals call it, San Tropez. Uh, yeah, I know. You're like, Jesus Christ, Bill, I know this is the vacation and all fucking vacations.

I haven't taken one in forever. So whatever. I'm blowing some DVD money over here. Um, and I got to tell you something. We're actually here. It's, it's this, this summer season starts literally the day after we leave. So it's kind of cool. It's a lot of locals and people are just starting to trickle in.

And do you remember that 50 cents? Uh, do you call it a song? Is it called a rap? Is it called a ditty? A p-ditty. I don't know what the fuck you call it, but you remember that one? I teach you how to stunt and for people out there as white as me, which means I basically show you, um, how to blow all your money on depreciating assets

and make yourself a target every time you drive down the street. Um, I believe that that's what stunting is. Um, we walk around with a chain that has a dollar sign on the end of it, and out of some precious metal, that's a smart thing to do. Um, and before all the, uh, racist people out there think I'm just talking about, uh, African Americans or not, I'm talking about anybody that's new to money. Like that's what you do. Uh, but these people out here, rich old white dudes, they do the same thing,

but in a much more subtle way, they show off their fucking wealth. It's fucking hilarious. First of all, these French guys out here, the heads of hair on these sons of bitches, it's incredible, and they all have this same haircut. It's like basically, uh, how would I, how would you describe it? It's the, it's like the hockey mullet, but with a page boy quaff at the end of it. It almost curls back into itself and then they, they push it back. It's like a mullet meets, uh, remember, Jackie Stewart, the formula one race car driver,

they all have that Irish spring fucking cut into some soap with a knife in the 70s haircut. And, um, they have their beautiful wives and they have this sweater draped over them with the fucking like, and then they have like one piece on them, be it a watch, glasses, but it's only one. It's one thing that just says, I have more money than fucking God. And then the rest of it is just really neatly put together. Um, it's called having class people. You know, you don't sit on the hood of your new car holding up handfuls of cash and use that as your fucking Facebook page. That's what people do who just got money and always wanted money.

These cunts here, these frogs with their fucking money, these guys, um, it's, it's ridiculous. And, and, and then every once in a while, and, oh, this is nothing that I like is their cars, their, their whips. What I like about these guys because they're, they understand money and how it works. Um, they, a lot of them bought some top of the line car like 20 years ago and just kept it in impeccable shape. Like I saw this guy, he had basically like the 1993 version of the Mercedes. Uh, what's the top end big one there? The SL fucking whatever 550 s 550. He had the 1993 version of this and think pulls up absolutely immaculate.

It looks showroom brand new and he parked it and he got out and I, uh, was able to ask him in broken French what year the car was. Um, what would I say, Kellage, blah, blah, blah, lotto or something like that. And he just beamed with pride and he said 1993. And I was like, three VN and he's like, you know, it was, it just, he could, he knew, he knew. So obviously I was some stupid American try to talk to him, but he, he, uh, I was really fucking cool. I've seen a couple of people over here. They don't just buy out a flashy car. Like they fucking love their car and they keep it really nice.

I saw like a, like a 1987, um, BMW, like M five that was looked like in showroom condition. Um, so you got that level of wealth. And you know, it's funny too, is Mia has just been trashing me because I refuse to buy any, I'm in San Trope clothes and I'm walking in, in my sweatpants. And I got this hat that I got at that Mario the new thing and I look like an asshole. I'm having a lot of you. I mean, I even like go to walk out and I see my dad jeans that I'm putting on. I really look like an asshole. Um, I don't give a fuck.

I sit there and buy some salmon colored shorts, right? And some dumb sweater to drape over my fucking shoulders. Um, anyways, uh, so you sit down along the fucking water and just one giant goddamn boat after another is sitting there. And I'm trying to think like, how much fucking money would you have to have this guy? This guy's got a fucking boat down there. I swear to God, it's going to be like a $7 million. It's a yacht. He's got a flat.

This guy, this guy's boat was so fucking big. I'm sitting in the cafe and I'm, I'm looking across the street, across the sidewalk and into the back of this guy's boat. And I'm watching, I thought he was, this is fucking hilarious. I thought he was watching a karate movie on his TV. He was actually watching Dancing with the Stars. It shows you what, what has happened to karate movies. They've become too crouching tiger and not enough hidden dragon. If you know what I mean, you know, I'd like to see a little more Mark for death in my, you know, my movies.

And Judah Freeland always told me Mark for death, introduce the breaking of bones into martial arts movies. Anyways, yeah, so I'm basically, I'm sitting there and I'm watching this guy's TV on his fucking boat from a cafe across the street. That's how big this boat was. That's how big that fucking TV was. And it's just been parked there all week or docked, whatever you say. And at one point I'm coming back into town to buy my 900th fucking cigar of the week. And I'm looking on the boat and I see a guy, it's a chef on the boat dressed in like, you know, I'm going to go cook a gourmet meal. And I'm just thinking, how much does that guy cost a year?

Right. You got to give at least 8,500 grand a fucking year to just be ready at any note point, like to jump on your boat and make you a fucking sandwich. And I just want to fucking learn how to say permission to come aboard in French. And I just want to find like, how did you make that? What did you do? How the fuck do you have that level of money? Right? Is that nuts?

Sorry. I hope I'm not boring you guys with this shit. Oh, but anyway, so let's get back to the buy you thing. We ended up going to this museum when we were there that had all this video and all these pictures and that type of stuff. And what was really cool was I'd never seen footage like this. I think a lot of it was, you know, French footage. And first of all, their museum was way more inclusive. Like it had the American troops, British troops, Canadian troops and French, the French troops and everything.

You know, a lot of people like, you know, break the French balls. You know, my impression of a French soldier and you just put your arms up like you're surrendering. I guess it took the Germans like about five, six weeks to take over France. And in that time, France lost 90,000 troops. Not like casualty like dead. That's not even just the wounded. So they put up a hell of a fight, but I got to be honest with you. If we live that close to the Germans, we would have fucking lost.

Okay. And we wouldn't need somebody to bail us the fuck out too. And I know right now you go and give me a fucking break. It's like, fuck you. Okay. To this day, look at their top end cars. Look at our top end cars. They're still kicking our ass.

I know the Cadillac and I know Corvette. That's probably the best we have. But it's nowhere near what they were doing. That was another thing that was great on the tour. They were talking about how much better their weapons were. So when we fucking kill a German, we pick up their machine gun because their shit was better than ours. We basically, we just, we fucking wore them down. We just come and we came.

What happened? How we finally took the beach on D-Day. You know what? Is they ran out of bullets. We just kept coming. This fucking, they call this guy the butcher of Omaha Beach. He was in this position that was, they put a gun into the back corner of a hotel. And he was just fucking, you know, doing what Verzi wanted to do with the, you know, with this goddamn, I don't know what the fuck millimeter he had.

And he went through seven hours of ammunition and fucking three hours. By the end, they were shooting like that weaponry where every third bullets a flare. And that's how we ended up knocking out. We finally could see where the fuck they were. I mean, it was just, what happened on that day? You can't even fucking put into words. And to have a moron like me trying to explain it, I just, I can't even imagine it. I can't even fucking imagine it.

And as much as like the beginning of saving private Ryan shows it, like just to actually just rather than watching some video or movie of it, to just be standing on the beach and this guy's telling you the stories, showing you the pictures. Dude, it was, it was unbelievable, unfucking believable. So anyways, I got water in my ear. I've had it in my fucking ear and I've tried every goddamn thing. I've tried blowing a hairdryer into my ear. I've tried jumping on one foot. I've tried sleeping on my side.

It's great. It's basically just gradually drying up. And I'm really hoping when I get on the plane, my ear is not going to fuck with me. Nia actually, Nia was going on the internet looking for fucking everything like as I'm losing my mind. I feel like I'm trapped in my own head. That's how many, how much water was in there. And they were doing this shit. Make a suction with your own hand. None of that shit works.

So she finally reads that you go to the pharmacy and you get some alcohol and you squirt the alcohol in your ear. And I'm just like, I'm going to put more liquid in there. So I just decided to wait it out. It's been driving me fucking nuts. Anyways, let's bang out at the last couple of, does anybody have like anybody know anything that you can do to get water out of your ear before I get on a plane and start screaming as the air pressure changes, as they pressurize the cabin. Anyways, here we go. Legal Zoom everybody.

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So you know what that means? Does that mean you basically, you can go out and go buy yourself a bike that's way beyond your capabilities? Right? It also means that you have a complete disregard for 99% of human life. Like most rich people do, you have a sense of entitlement, you're going to ride your fucking scooter and your motorcycle like that. That's what I'm saying. Why am I saying that? Because I like riding motorcycles every once in a while and it scares the fuck out of me that something bad's going to happen. So what I do is I just justify it away in my head. The same way I do when I smoke a cigar, going, ah, I don't smoke that many of these fucking things.

You know, it's what you always say, ah, I'm not going to get cirrhosis of the liver. This plane isn't going to fucking all of a sudden make a left turn and then nobody can find it. That's what you do to get through life. It's what you have to do. Ah, she's not going to divorce me and take me for everything I got. I'm sure her pussy's clean. You know, it's only four chocolate bars. I'll hit the treadmill tomorrow. Isn't that what you do? You just justify it rather than sitting down going, no, this is a dumb thing to do.

This is going to make me fat. I need to wear an extra condom or I should probably just go jerk off. You know, maybe if you don't call somebody a gray haired cunt during all the check flicks, maybe she won't divorce you and take all your shit. Right? You could do that. That's called being an adult. I think it's about time. You, all right, talking to you right now, the listener. It's about time you guys fucking grow up. You understand me? I'm getting so fucking sick and tired now.

Anyways, oh, hey, last week, me and the lovely Nia had a one of our classic debates, which is basically the two of us talking over each other. And then yelling, stop interrupting me like most healthy couples do. So anyways, last week, for those of you who didn't listen, what happened was some, what happened was this guy sent an email and he was basically saying that the woman he's been dating for the last six years, when they got together, she was beautiful, had an amazing body and now she has a new stressful job and she's put on like 60 to 70 pounds. So he's talked to her about her weight. He said he's concerned.

He bought her a gym membership. He's trying to get her healthy meals. He packs her a lunch. He's going out of his way to try and help her out and evidently she's not going to the gym and he found some fast food wrappers stuffed under the seat of her car or something. And he's like, what am I supposed to do? And Nia flipped out on the guy and I defended the guy. All right. And then the listeners, you guys, you guys all chimed it, not all of you, but a lot of you sent me emails and a lot of people gave me props for,

am I allowed to say that as a white guy, gave me compliments for staying in the pocket and not allowing myself to be railroaded. And then they also criticized Nia saying, you know, it's amazing. She could be so beautiful, intelligent, could just still only hear what she wants to hear. And I would throw that right back at you, right back at you. It would be amazing that you can see her doing that and not notice that you're doing the same thing just as a guy. You're doing the exact same thing that you're giving her shit about. You know, basically what happens there when you have a story between a man and a woman

in a relationship is you just insert yourself into the story. So as a guy, who would you be? You'd be the guy who had the hot girlfriend who now put on 60 to 70 pounds and now has, as the guy said, has sloppy tits. As a woman, you listen to the story and you listen to, I have a stressful job. I'm putting on weight. I'm doing the best I can and the person that I love just said I had sloppy tits. So her reaction and my reaction were completely normal.

It has nothing to do with intelligence. It just has to do, you know, it's like a fender bender, right? You know how fucking we are. You blow right through a stop sign and t-bone somebody. And when you get out, the first thing you're going to say is, what the fuck were you doing? Yeah, that stop sign was great. You're going to come up with some line of bullshit. So whatever, you know the deal.

Everybody just fucking, you know, people hear what the fuck they want to hear. All right. And they respond to it. So I don't give a shit either way. God bless you for listening. But you know, you don't have to say the, I mean, I don't mind you saying, oh, she was being ignorant or whatever. But sometimes, you know, you get a little disrespectful.

The level of derogatory that you fucking, you take it to, you know, because you can be anonymous as you sit there in your cubicle, or maybe you have an office, maybe you're the office guy, right? And you got that little fucking thing there. You know, those marbles at the end of the metal things and you throw on the pendulum and you fucking swing it and click, click, click, click, click, right? Just ticking away the seconds of the day, whatever that fucking thing's called. If you own one of those, how soon before you get the giant globe in the corner?

That's something a hipster would do. You know, I really don't like about hipsters, which is a really hacky thing. They're not like half the shit that they make fun of. They don't even understand. Like, I've noticed a lot of hipsters. They're obsessed with tail fins on cars. They think they're so cheesy that they're fucking awesome, you know, and they don't even understand the function of like back in the day.

With that technology, you needed them. Tail fin basically kept the rear end of the car at high speeds on the ground so you could have more control and you wouldn't get fucking killed. Now, granted, if you put a tail fin on a fucking car that's never going to reach those speeds, yeah, it is funny, but a Nissan Maxima, I mean, I think you get up 120 miles an hour, right? It should have had a tail fin in the early nineties and people enjoyed them. They liked them. They looked cool.

So you stuck them on your car, even if it didn't need one the same way you put rims on it. I don't even fucking started with that shit. So anyways, I'm probably going to cut this thing short this week because my internet connection is really horrific out here. To the point I'm going to have to send this podcast in sections because I got a bad feeling if I try to send the whole thing at once that I'm going to get three quarters of the way through. My internet connection is going to crap out of me and that's going to be my day

trying to send this fucking thing. So that is the podcast for this week. I hope you enjoyed my little travel fucking diaries. I don't know, next week I'll be back, you know? So Aurevoir Abietto, go fuck yourself. That's the podcast for this week. Next week, I'll be back home and I'm really ready to go home. I want to see my dog.

I want to watch some hockey, you know? I want to eat that American food that makes you fat. I can't tell you something. I've been eating like a fucking animal over here and I've barely put on any weight. All right? I don't know what kind of poison is in our food over there in the States, but I'm telling you, I am eating like a fucking...

Well, you know something over here? Yeah, you're kind of nibble, but you're doing it the whole day. Like all the lunch places close at two o'clock, so then you have cafes and they're always bringing out some sort of pastry or some shit. Ah, Jesus Christ. Listen to me, sitting in a cafe eating pastries. What the fuck happened to me? I got to get back to the States.

I will be back next week and the podcast will sound at least semi-professional. I appreciate you guys. Toughen your way through these things. And like I said, once again, if you ever get a chance to go visit Omaha Beach, you got to do it. You definitely got to do it. I highly recommend it. All right?

That's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Thank you for watching. See you next time.