Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-15-13

Episode Date: April 16, 2013

Bill rambles about traveling by bus, women being maced and bankers in titty bars.

Hey, what's going on is Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, April 15, 2013. How are you? How are you doing this week? Do you feel like this week is going to be a good one? Today's episode is brought to you by Ting. Please visit bill.ting.com for a $25 service credit or device discount. I know what you're saying.

What is Ting? Well, I'm going to tell you later on in the podcast, I'm building up advertising suspense. Today's episode is brought to you by Cheerios. What are those things again? I can't remember. Sitting on the edge of my seat, the seat in my cubicle. How are you guys? Can you hear that fucking engine running right now?

Do you know where your lovely host is? I'm on a fucking bus, man. I've been going through the south. You know, they call it the dirty south and I've got to tell you, I haven't seen any filth down here other than a couple of hooves. No, seriously, it's been an absolutely beautiful trip and this time, old Billy Redface decided instead of getting in a little ass fucking car and driving a fucking thousand miles all over the south as I tore it around, I actually got a little bus here and I've been

on the road with Paul, dude, I called it Verzi and Jason Lawhead and we've been doing shows and drinking like the fucking rat pack. I think I've ever drank so much of my fucking life. If you guys ever get a chance to travel by bus, okay, and I know you've all done it and I'm not talking about that Peter Pan greyhound shit, right, where you and 70 other people that you don't even fucking know, get on a goddamn bus, right? Somebody takes a shit two feet away from you. Not talking about that.

Not talking about sleeping upright. The weighty ahead waking you up every time they go over a fucking bump, I'm not talking about that either. Not talking about getting your own bus, get your own fucking bus and watching Anchorman drinking booze as somebody else drives. It's the greatest fuck. This is right now. I'm going to tell you this and I'm going right through until Wednesday.

This has been the greatest. This is how big I'm going. This has been the greatest fucking road trip of my life. This is perfect because you know what gets you when you're out here, people? It's not the shows. Oh no, it's the travel. That's what fucking beats you up when you're an old fuck like me. This is going to be a very full flight.

People please don't put your coats in the overhand compartments and then you see the cunts doing it, right? We've oversold the flight, you know, you fucking land, they don't have your bags. You fucking go out in the cab line, it's fucking 90,000 people long, starts raining. You put your shoulders up to quote my own fucking special, right? You're standing out there with your little stupid bag, middle of fucking nowhere, right? You finally get the cab. You can't understand the guy.

He can't understand you. You don't know if he's going the long way. They tell it's a, it's a flat fee 200 bucks to the hotel. Oh really? I don't think that's true. It's on the sticker, read the sticker, my friend, right? Deal with that shit, then you get to the hotel, the fucking cab leaves, you bring your bag up.

Hello, sir, welcome to fucking douche con hotel. Do you have an ID? Yeah, and you give them the ID and then, oh, would it be under another name? You know, and they can't find your fucking room, then you finally get a fucking room, you go to the hotel, the fuck up to the God, we get a pill. Now fuck you, I'm taking you through all of it. You get up there and the fucking key doesn't work, you finally go back down, you get a key that works, you go back up, it works, you go in there, you know, it smells like

Jack Klugman. You're like, what the fuck's going on? You call downstairs, do you have another room? This one smells like Archie Bunker took his shit in here. I'm sorry, sir, we don't have another room and there's no reason to use that language. Oh, yes, there is. Smells like somebody who smokes cigars, took his shit in here and fought in Korea, all at the same time.

All right, we'll see when you get on a bus. All of that is over. You know, you pull in, you go to a Walmart, you fucking stock up to fridge with food and booze, then you just get on the fucking thing and somebody else drives you. You sit there with your friends, watching Anchorman getting, you don't drink, you don't drink before the show. But after, let me tell you something. No, it seems to be great.

We just pulled right up to the goddamn venue. You know, there's a shower on the bus, right? You good to go? The other guys get hotel rooms. I haven't been off this bus in fucking eight days and you know what? I love it. I'm living in a bubble. I don't even know what the fuck's going on in the world.

And furthermore, I don't even give a shit. It's that's how much of a great mood on it. We pulled right up to the venue. I get off the bus. I walk into the venue. I do the show. Fucking in a great mood. Everybody has a good time.

I then fucking walk out front, whore myself out, show a little leg, sell some DVDs, smile and wave, kiss a couple of babies. Then I fucking walk right back onto the bus and we leave town. It's the fucking end that we start drinking. It's the greatest fucking thing ever. So I got to be honest. I don't think this podcast is going to be the podcast. I don't think it's going to be so too funny because nothing bad happened to me.

Nothing bad happened to me this week. You know, other than the fact that this fucking bus trip is going to end. I got, I got three more dates. So I'm going to be in Tampa tonight for two shows. Then I do Florida State on Tuesday and then Wednesday I'm in Miami and then it's over. And then you know what? Then I have to go back to the real world. World where I have a dog with fucked up back feet.

And I have a woman, you know, you know, I've been thinking this whole goddamn week and he is going to kill me, but you know, something I wish I fucking, you know, could have done this like 10 years ago, 15 years ago when I was single. Because I got to tell you something. There's, there is no easier way to bring a bunch of whores out of a club. If you tell them you got your own boss. Oh, God knows they love shiny shit. You have, you have your own thing.

What can I see it? Unfortunately, you can't sweetheart. Um, speaking of whores, she's not a whore, but I saw this story, right? Where the fuck is it? Oh, no, really? Is this, this is going to happen? Is this going to ruin my fucking mood? Why am I so dumb?

Anyways, there was this giant street party at Rutgers, right? And some pretty girl. Did I just, did I just say pretty girl? Some pretty girl when the cops showed up. She, uh, she got pepper sprayed because she wouldn't put down her frisbee. That's what she said. Not, not saying the old joke, but seriously, that was her comment. You know, so then you watch the video and she's wearing this dumb neon hat and you

see her the first time the cops come down the street. She's giving them the finger and then doing the suck my dick motion. Uh, right there. If I'm on the jury, uh, two words, rightfully maced, you can't do that. You can't, well, why would you give the finger and in the jerk off move at you standing next to a burning couch? Or had they not lit the, was the couch already on fire? It was insane.

It was like seven fucking houses and all the parties were going on at once. And then they just sort of all met out in the street. Looked like a phenomenal party, but you know, when the cops show up, it's over. You know, you don't, you don't start fucking game. I got it. That's one of those. That's a classic fucking chick move. I don't want to speak for all guys here, but I got to tell you right now.

One of the last things I would ever do is when a police cruiser is pulling up, would be to be giving it the finger, not with one hand, both hands and then going like, you know, acting like I'm jacking my dick onto their fucking car. That is the last thing, probably the last move. But let's run through the moves that you could possibly fucking make. That you could possibly fucking make when the cops show up. One, the classic, turn the other way and begin walking away in a brisk manner that doesn't draw too much attention to you.

So it doesn't look like you're guilty. Okay. You just sort of casually turn around, slip behind a couple people, then crouch down and fucking run as though you're trying not to get hit by a sniper. Disappear into the hedges. There's always hedges when you're outside partying, slip into the hedges, crawl on your fucking elbows and knees, get to the backyard, go over the fence and just get the fuck out of there and ignore the people that stare at you

as you come over the fence with your dirty knees and elbows. That's option number one. Option number two is do the classic. Just put your hands up like, okay, all right, we get it. You're here. It's over. You know, option number three, uh, stand there very still and then slowly do the sidestep, stop, slowly do another sidestep, stop.

Yeah, slowly get the fuck out of there. Uh, you know what I'm saying? Where is, uh, fucking give the double finger and jack your dick onto the cruiser. I guess you could do that too. Then you'll run, right? You don't fucking stand there with your frisbee. It's, I don't know. I've done this bit a zillion times.

It's just a classic, just, they don't know any better. This girl was beautiful. This girl has a vagina. You know, and a lot of you don't realize not all of them, not all women have vaginas, you know, it's that lucky 99.9% of them that have them and she had them, she had them. She had one and that was it. And she's standing there.

What a fucking moron. And of course they posted on YouTube or whatever on Facebook and then it becomes some sort of a fucking story. This whole fucking young generation of kids, it's so weird. Do you realize they're like spying on themselves? I wonder if any of them believe in conspiracy theory. They might, they probably don't. They got to be like, you know what?

Nobody's, we're spying on each other. These fucking assholes, every time they do something, they film it. They're sitting there filming. They light a couch on fire, which I don't know what is that? Is that a misdemeanor? I don't know what it is. I know it's not, I don't, it's, I know it's not legal. I know it's not legal to light a couch on fire and to be chanting, burn that shit,

burn that shit in the fucking, in the street. See, that's some shit. When I was younger, we would have done it, but we didn't film it. Not because we're smarter because we, you know what you had to do to film shit when I was a kid, when I was of college age, you know, we had a new somebody who fucking knew how to readle, how to do that reel to reel shit. You knew how to splice and cut and put the fucking edit tape on, you know, like you're making a Beatles album.

It wasn't worth it. Dude, when I was in college, holy shit, that just freaked me out. You know what happened? I just stood up and accidentally in my bare feet here, stepped on the goddamn power pack thing of the cord and it was just warm enough to feel like it was something that was alive, like a rodent. I thought I just stepped on a fucking mouse. Do you ever have something like that happen in that caveman DNA kicks in?

That fucking fight or flight? Is that a saber tooth tiger kind of thing? 00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:28,400 Um, anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast. All right, now ladies, I know you're beautiful. I know you got the VJJs as fucking Oprah says, all right, but do yourself a favor. When the cops show up, don't give them the finger and start jacking your non-existent dick. Or maybe you do, but if you do, get the fuck out of there.

And if you stand around and they're coming up to you, put your frisbee over your face. You dumb fucks. Oh my God, I can't believe I got mazed. All I was doing was drinking, participating in the burning of a couch in the street. The double finger was given to the police officers and I jerked a non-existent dick. The dick wasn't even there. I mean, I don't know. I can see if I actually had a dick, you know, and I pulled it out.

Your honor, I don't have a penis. How could he make me? There's something hilarious about a beautiful girl getting mazed. You know, at least there is to me. It's just always something funny about that shit to me. Like I'm saying this like I've seen beautiful women get mazed all the time. I haven't, but I fantasized about it. It's just funny every once in a while when they get treated like us.

Welcome to the real world, sweetheart. Yep, he did that and he's going to get away with it and there's nothing you can do about it. All right, so why don't you go upstairs? Go rinse out your eyes with some tomato soup or whatever the fuck you're supposed to do. Actually, tomato soup, that's what you're supposed to do when you get sprayed by a skunk. I know that because I've watched a couple of movies. Anyways, what the fuck am I doing here? Let's get some advertising out of the way so we can get back to the podcast here.

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And I got to tell you, the Tabernacle, I guess it's called, yeah, it's called the Tabernacle, here in Atlanta, right up there with Carnegie Hall. One of the most beautiful theaters I ever performed in. The crowds were amazing. And Jesus Christ, I'm sitting there thinking how beautiful the theater is, and I literally forgot what the fuck I was talking about. I just had it. What is that, by the way, people? What is that thing where you fucking think about something to talk about, then you forget it, then you remember it, and then you start talking, and then you forget it? Am I at the beginning of Alzheimer's here?

Is this what it is? Am I going to stop knowing people's fucking names? That'll be the worst. Well, thanks, Bill. Thanks for letting us know that Alzheimer's stinks, because without you, we wouldn't have known that. All right, go fuck yourselves. Okay, let's not ruin my good time. The fuck did I want to talk about?

What the fuck happened in Atlanta? Oh, I know, I know. So we've been in Atlanta for the last couple of days. All right? So a couple of people go, hey, you know, we're going to Cheetah's strip club, you want to go? And I have not been to a titty bar in, like, fucking, ah, shit, why did I say the name of it? Because now I'm going to trash the place. I've been to a titty bar in, like, I would say maybe seven years.

I just, I just, it's stupid. You go in there, you get all fucking excited, and then nothing happens, and then you leave, and you don't have any money. It's the dumbest fucking thing you could ever do. There's always a bunch of fat white dudes in there on some business trip, smoking cigars, trying to act like they're fucking running shit, and they're not. I don't like them, you know? We'll figure what the fuck I'll go. Everybody's going to go out. Let's fucking go. We went there. Bored shitless. Bored shitless. You know what the most exciting thing was about when I went to that fucking strip club?

Was one of the people I was hanging out with I found out was actually a banker. All right? And I know you guys think I'm out of my mind. You're always going, oh, you fucking conspiracy theory whack job. I hit this guy with every fucking thing that I think of I know about banks, and he just kept nodding going, you're right. You're right. Absolutely. You're right. I fucking told him that whole thing about how, you know, I had the water damage on my house, and the check for my insurance company came made out to me, Nia, and my fucking mortgage company. You know? And I'm like, those motherfuckers don't think I'm going to pay off the house, and they go, no, they don't. I go, that's right. They think that it's going to take me 30 fucking years.

And by the time that I'll be in my 70s and by then one of my kidneys will fail, at which point my health insurance won't kick in. They'll have to sell the house. They'll get another 30 year old in there and they'll bend him over the fucking rail for 60. And he was going, you're absolutely right. Absolutely fucking right. And I was like, so how do you fucking do it? He goes, hey, he goes, I don't fuck over individuals. He goes, I fuck over businesses. See, that's how it works. You know, I wasn't making the guy didn't, I didn't make the call. I was just following orders.

It's the same shit. Those Nazi fucking people said when they were up in the guard towers, they were fighting for fucking Hitler. It's the exact same fucking thing. They justified in their head that I'm not, you know, even though I'm part of this evil fucking thing, I'm just doing this one little thing here. You know, and I just kept hammering. I'm going, dude, you know, but you're helping to push the rock up the hill. And he goes, and he just started laughing on Jesus Christ. You know, I'm trying to fucking enjoy myself here.

And then I actually felt bad on some level. I went all the way up to the Federal Reserve and the guy, the banker looked at me, he said, the only thing federal, he said, the Federal Reserve is his federal, his federal express. He goes, they're evil. And I was just like, well, how the fuck are you in that business? You know, and this one, but that point we were a little bit drunk and he's just saying, what the fuck am I supposed to do? He said the bankers just sit there and they're like, my job is to make fucking money. That is my job. He proceeded to tell me that the bank he works for somehow in three months made $6 billion.

He's like, how is that fucking possible? Legally, I don't think it is. Or maybe it is. You know, when everybody goes to work all week and then just gives you their money. That's the greatest. That's one of the greatest fucking scams ever. Do you realize we all work all fucking week? They give you a piece of paper with numbers on it.

They never give you the money. They just give you a piece of paper that has numbers on it. Then you take that piece of paper and you give it to some of the most crooked fucks ever to keep it safe. It's like every American, everybody on the planet, you get mugged every week. You don't even realize it. You're not even getting mugged because you're turning it over. You fucking hand it to those assholes. The money you earned, the money I earned, then they take that money.

They loan it back to us. It's fucking interest. And then they like invent more money that isn't even there off of the money that we put in there. They basically, they legally counterfeit money. If they get a deposit at $10,000, they can legally loan out $10,000 to like four or five different people. $10,000 for you, $10,000 for you, $10,000 for you, $10,000 for you. When there's only $10,000, they just invented another $30,000. That isn't even there.

And that's what the fuck happens because then when those fuckers don't pay that off, the $10,000 all of a sudden then with it now like $20,000 off of $10,000 isn't fucking paid off. I think you guys are smart enough to do the math. I swear to God, I really wish I recorded the conversation when he just kept going, you're right, you're right. And all the fucking people, Anthony Cumia from the wonderful Opian Anthony program, who laughs and shakes his head at me, you know, I was really wishing he was there. And every cunt that ever called me a fucking conspiracy theorist,

like I fucking believe that the moon is made out of cheese. Like that's what I'm telling you, right? Like I'm saying the sun is actually a camera in the sky by the fucking Illuminati. I never said any shit like that. All right, I said a couple of crazy ones, my fucking banker ones. Evidently, this guy who was drunk in a titty bar told me that I was right. And none of you guys were there. And I don't have the audio to prove it.

But I'll go fuck you. You know what I sound right? This is like the verbal version of that chick standing in the street. I should have on the lime green hat, just fucking miming jerking my own dick off, you know? Am I really any better than that frisbee horde cunt? Ah, she's not a cunt. She's not a whore either. I don't, you know what?

You know of something? I'm going to reserve judgment because I have no fucking idea. You know, when you really think about it, you really can't tell who somebody is. Just from a goddamn video. All right, shut the fuck up, Bill. So anyways, I'm on this bus all week and me and Verzi in fucking Lawhead one night. Where the hell were we coming from? Well, I'll give you the whole tour.

First of all, we went to the NCAA championship game Monday night, which was one of the sickest basketball games I've ever seen in my life. We were in a football stadium watching a basketball game. The game eventually sold out because a lot of people in Atlanta, a lot of sports fans got upset with me for describing 100% accurately their sports fandom. Is that the proper word? Seeing that dude, Luke come off the bench and hit fucking three, four, three pointers in a row. And after three, that alley-oop jam was the sickest thing.

That dude, Spike, whatever. I'm not the biggest college hoop fan. Spike, whatever fucking from Michigan. You know what Lawhead was joking about? He was joking like saying in the first half, it was white dudes dominating the game. With outside shots, of course. God knows when our game has never been above the rim. White dudes were dominating that game.

And then in the second half, black dudes just took it over. Lawhead was cracking us up saying basically they were doing a reenactment of basketball history. I like the first half was like when fucking Bob Coosie, you know, back when you couldn't put your hand on the side of the ball, you had to have it right on top of the ball. You ever watch that? You ever watch old basketball highlights? And people always go like, oh my god, these guys suck. They didn't suck.

If you put your hand on the side of the ball to go to the side that was considered a carry, they've made all these fucking rules where, by the way, have all been great rules, you know, to allow these athletes to reach the pinnacle of their sports artistry. I almost didn't get that out. But it was just, it was an unbelievable game and there was this fucking Louisville fan sitting behind us. And dude, I gotta tell you, we were on the lower level and we still needed binoculars. I'm not even gonna lie to you. I mean, it was like, if we were at like an Atlanta Falcons game, we would have been eighth row in the end zone.

All right? Because we literally could see the wall where they would actually have like the post-911 people glaring at you with their yellow coats on, you know? But instead, because it was basketball, there was like a fenced area where you couldn't go past and then there was a whole another section of about 20 rows of these padded seats, right? And then in front of that was a whole another 20 section of just students and it was the Michigan kids. Who, by the way, Michigan used to be the blue in maize. Now it's just the maize.

It's some of these fucking uniforms and some of this shit. It's just, it's the loudest shit I've seen since the 79 pirates. And considering that they're in the midst of making Anchorman part two, I think it's very, I was actually thinking that, you know, they make, you know, they make fun of the clothes from back then and like the late 70s and everything. When they, when they do the Anchorman of this, this time right now, you know, with sports and that type of thing, if there's ever somebody as big as a genius as Will Ferrell in like 20 years is making fun of this era, it's going to be shit like that.

Like those uniforms when Michigan played Syracuse. I mean, that was just fucking ridiculous. Those yellow sneakers and the orange sneakers. That's that's just something I'm going to say within maybe four years. Well, actually, probably four years it'll start to die off. So I'll say within 10 years you're going to look back at those things and be like, Jesus Christ, the fuck were we thinking? I saw a couple of Michigan fans with the old school, like, you know, the blue where it says Michigan and yellow. It's funny as hell.

They would, it looked like a fucking, it looked like an HD mustard and they were all chanting go blue. It's like you guys don't have any fucking blue on anymore. But I have to tell you. We were so we were sitting on the Michigan side. And you know, I flunked everything and fucking high school. And they used to sit there and try and scare the shit out of me. You know, going, you need two years of a language. You got to make sure your GPA is above a three point six.

You're not going to get it above a bun. You sat there and you're sitting there fucking nodding off, just not giving a shit. I got to tell you, what's that fucking basketball game? And the entire student section turned around, faced us and like almost was doing like this half Tomahawk Chuck thing. They went, go. And then everybody behind us went blue, go blue. The whole fucking section going nuts. And I said to fucking Verzi.

I said, you know, my freshman in high school here in high school, instead of scaring the shit out of me academically, they just showed should have shown me a video of this going, you know what, if you actually study in high school, you can participate in something like this. And I would have been like, well, you know what, I'm going to go home and hit the books. I would have done that. Instead of telling me all the academic shit that I need, they should have showed me how fun college could have been if I actually studied and went to a real fucking school. You know, I didn't.

I completely, I fucked up my freshman year of high school. I went in there and I was thinking I was going to be a lawyer and I was going to go to Notre Dame University. Those were my goals. By the time sophomore year came around, I was looking at Wentworth College and I was considering getting into construction. What a fucking idiot. Now I go around all these big schools, you know, I fucking go to these games, go like an LSU game or a Georgia Bulldog game, Ohio State. You just go to these fucking things and you just see these kids. I hope the kids appreciate it.

Maybe that's what, you know, I think maybe you have to be like me to really fucking appreciate how awesome it is to go to a school that has such an insane fucking sports program. This is what I'm jealous about those colleges kids is that for the rest of their lives, they can kind of stay connected to their college by following the teams. And if they ever want to have like a mini reunion with their tailgate friends, you just pick a game once a year and you go to it and have a great fucking time. You know? Oh Jesus, did I fuck up? It's making me sad. Um, but you know what makes me happy everybody?

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Like, well, I've always gone to the post office and I still want to go because it's comfortable. Step outside your comfort zone and improve your quality of life. Right now. Use my last name. Burr BURR for this special offer. No risk trial plus $110 bonus offer includes a digital scale and a $55 free postage. Don't wait. Go to Stamps.com before you do anything else.

Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr BURR that Stamps.com enter Burr. All right. Back to the podcast. Don't save. There we go. Where the hell am I? All right. Let's, uh, let's get to reading some of your questions for this week.

Um, oh, I didn't, I never finished that story. So we get done. Um, we go, we did Athens the first night down, uh, what is that? It's northeast of Atlanta. First day we went to the basketball game. The next day the tour starts, right? Now we have to go to work. Pay for all the fucking money we spent the night before.

I don't, I don't think at the end of this, I don't think I made any money, but I had a great fucking time. All right. Um, my quarterly taxes are due. This is going to be a rough one. Somebody's going to be eating fruit loops. Um, so we do Athens, Georgia first, right? And we're all fucking giddy, just freaking out.

We do the gig, have a great time, this beautiful theater. I really don't have any funny fucking stories because everything just worked out this week. Um, it was a Tuesday night. The place was packed. Um, what happened on that show? Nothing. We just had a great time. I didn't have to get into with one guy.

One guy just kept screaming and yelling. He was too excited. So I went off on him and I ended it with, I'm ashamed of you. Which is quite possibly one of the funniest things one grown man could say to another one. I am ashamed of you. Um, then we got off. We got on the bus because we were, uh, we were driving up to, uh, oh, did we stay on the bus that night?

No, no, no, no. We drove up to Hoover, Alabama. Oh, I can take you through the week. So we go up to Hoover, Alabama to play this. The next night we go up there, fucking Alabama, by the way, absolutely beautiful fucking state. I would retire. I'm actually thinking about retiring there for the simple fact. Nobody fucking retires there.

You've never heard that in your life. People retire where they go out West. Everybody goes to fucking Arizona. Right. And out East. Everybody goes to Florida. Midwest people, they, they retire in the Carolinas. All right.

Nobody fucking retires. Nobody from outside of Alabama retires in Alabama. Hence you can get like 90 acres for about $67. Go out there, get me a spread. Right. I don't know. I couldn't get a direct flight anywhere. That would suck unless I was going to Mississippi.

But who cares at that point? I think that that's what you do is you fucking, you go to really expensive fucking places like New York, LA, Chicago, and you bust your fucking ass your whole fucking life. You make a bunch of goddamn money. And then in the end you retire to a beautiful state that nobody wants to go to for some stupid fucking reason. And then all the, all the assets that you've accrued, you sell those things. And they were three times as much down in fucking Alabama. You just retire there.

Get yourself a giant fucking dish. You get all the sports channels. It's not like they don't have food down there, you know, and then pick a school. Alabama or Auburn, Crimson Tide or War Eagle. And enjoy yourself. Just a good old boy. Right. So then we did Hoover, Alabama.

And this is the best part. Right after Hoover, Alabama, we had to be in Columbia, South Carolina the next night, which I've never been to. So it was one of those deals where the second the show was over, we got on the bus and we just started driving. And we got a bottle of makings. And we just started pouring drinks. We popped in fucking Anchorman. Watch that. Laughed our asses off.

And I don't know, we just polished off the bottle somewhere about four, five hours into the fucking trip. By the way, we're supposed to be sleeping. We're supposed to be sleeping. And the bus driver who slept during the day, he's supposed to be up driving, you know. So we get about four hours into this eight hour trip. And we pull out the guy pulls over the bus and he goes, look, he's like, we're going to get there too early, you know, for when we check in at the hotels. You know, so we just got to kind of chill here for a minute, sleep on the bus. And we're like, yeah, cool.

No worries. Just he goes to bed. I'm going to bed. He goes to bed and we keep fucking drinking somewhere in the middle of that. Me and Verzi get into this giant fucking New York Boston argument that I think went on for like 40 fucking minutes. It was hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. And then got real for like three minutes and then got hilarious again.

So fucking stupid. People from those two cities will never get along. And then finally, I don't know what happened at like five in the morning. I was just like, guys, I got to go to bed. Right. Verzi and fucking lawhead. I like, yeah, no worries. No worries.

Right. So I fucking go back in the back, go to bed and evidently Verzi lawhead just kept going. The bus driver wakes up at like 830 in the morning, comes from the back, walks up to the front of the bus, opens the door and he sees fucking lawhead and Verzi still still sitting there drinking. And he goes, man, you got to be fucking kidding me. And I'm not going to name names or anything like that, but this bus driver has seen a lot of shit.

He's driven a lot of people. So to get this guy to be like, man, you got to be shit. It was was a major fucking accomplishment. I'll take you through the tour real quick. So then the next night we were, we drove into Columbia, South Carolina, which is from what I hear, just like Savannah, Georgia, except Nasser is the people there said, and I don't know, I got up around like one o'clock, two o'clock or some shit. And I just walked two miles from where we parked the bus outside the hotel and it went

down to the whole old area of South Carolina, Columbia, South Carolina. It was fucking insane. This is a place where like bankers retire after they steal money for 60 years. They fucking, I was sitting there walking down the street and there's some horse drawn like carriage thing that people are like taking a tour of the area and all these old homes. The lady has the, uh, the rebel Confederate hat on minus the flag, right? And she's like, if you all look over there, that house is for sale for nine million dollars. This old ass fucking house and I'm looking at it like probably 100 to 150 years older

than my house. This thing maybe is from the early 1800s, right? And if not the 1700s, and I'm just thinking of all the bullshit that I've gone through with my house. That's 90 years old. And that's all I saw. I'm like, you're going to pay fucking nine million dollars for that. Really?

That's what you're going to do? And you're going to be out fucking, you know, with the movies and a pipe is going to burst and you got to deal with that bullet go fuck yourself. If you play nine million dollars for a house, you're an asshole. You're an asshole. All right. You're in banking. That's what I would guess.

You're either in banking or you worked for insurance companies and collected premiums and then when people's fucking gallbladders bursted, you didn't give them the fucking money. You either did that or you invented the flowbie. Other than that, I don't know how you just straight up steal shit legally or you fucking, you come up with just some dumb shit, the jack chop, right? Some sort of thing to chop up lettuce, you know, or make fat people more comfortable. That's another one, right? All right.

Here we go. In limbo. Hey, Bill, I'm 22 years old from the suburbs, Long Island, the youngest of four. And I guess you could say I'm the black sheep of the family. I didn't go to college after high school, mainly because I had no clue what I wanted to do. And I didn't see how spending three grand at a shitty community college would help me figure that out. Three grand? Dude, see, now that's where you want to go to college, where it's three grand.

You come out of there, you're not swimming in debt, but you have no team to follow. Anyways, however, I'm a decent musician and have acted in a friend's student films and people told me I'm somewhat talented in that area. The past years or so, I've become clinically depressed. I feel that there isn't much left for me here and I'm sick of my friends. I was thinking about moving to LA with a friend and his brother. I'm hoping I can find some things out there and just mainly to get away from the life I have now. Also looking forward to all the low self-esteem struggling actress ass I've heard so much about. However, over that last year or so, my relationship with my family has not been going so well.

Should I stick around and work on my life here and put the pieces back together or go out there and meet some new people and have some new experiences? Yeah, fucking come out to LA or wherever the hell you want to go. I think you're depressed because you're in a circle of people that are all following the same fucking lead buffalo over that cliff. You're still going to go over a cliff as we all do, but you want to be following a buffalo that's going in the fucking direction you want to go to. Oh my God, he's using animals as a metaphor. Sir, I would say if you're clinically depressed, I don't know, if you have something fucking chemically going on, I can't help you with that. But if you're just fucking depressed because doing what all your friends and family is doing and it's just soul-sucking every goddamn day, I can help you with that. If you're clinically fucking depressed, you need to see a doctor or some shit.

I don't know, see what sort of witchcraft he can offer you, but if you're just fucking depressed, I would definitely go for a change of scenery. But I would also say if you're stepping into a life of the arts, you have to have a game plan the same way somebody who's going to become a banker does. Like a banker goes, okay, I'm going to join this evil business and I'm going to make as much fucking money as I possibly can. And if I have to make old people who actually fought for this country have to eat alpo for the rest of their fucking lives because we're going to rape and pillage their 401ks, these are the steps I need to do. One, shut off all feelings for other human beings. You know, they make a list. Justify my evil by saying I'm a small part of the bigger evil, but my evil is actually a very low level of evil amongst the ridiculous level of evil.

No, like as far as what I did when I became a comedian was I just they were just very small steps. One, sit down and write jokes to sign up for open mic. Three, have the balls to go up there when they call your name for no matter how bad or good it goes, sign up for another open mic. I just kept, I just kept, you know, you kind of, if you look too far down the fucking road, it's going to become overwhelming when you're going after something like that. You just handle what you can handle that day. And I would do that. I can tell you that if you're going to just start being a stand up comedian, LA is a really hard place to start. You kind of want to have your act together and have a little bit of momentum when you go out there.

But if you want to act and be an actor, I mean, that's where there's a ton of work, but you know, I don't know when you're going to go out to LA, but I'm sure wherever you live at, there's some sort of place where you can start taking acting classes, which is probably what I would do, you know? Look, if you just need to change the scenery and you want to go out in the sun and go live down on the beach, Los Angeles and greater Los Angeles, like south of there and everything is one of the great places you could ever live in your life. I know there's a ton of traffic, but still, some of the most beautiful women you're ever going to see, you know, and if you get outside of LA, most of them aren't even in the business, so now they're just a beautiful woman on a beach, you know? And if that doesn't pick up your spirits, I don't know what will. But, you know, if you seriously want to become an actor and that type of thing, wherever you're at, I would start taking some acting classes to see if you actually do have an act for it

slash if you have a passion for it. You go down there, you start acting and then that makes you want to read some plays or makes you want to go rewatch some movies to learn. If you get like the bug, you know, and you really feel like this is something you want to pursue, then I would work my ass off on that when I felt like I had my acting. I felt like I had my act together and I maybe done a play or two. Go out to LA, get yourself a fucking agent and welcome to this fucked up business. Well, like I've always said, if a jackass like me can get anywhere, so could you. All right, next one. Follow up to last week's miserable law student and some ass kissing.

All right, well, I'm going to go blow past the fucking ass kissing. We'll read a follow up bill. First off, I'm sorry about the length of this email. I know you are busy. Look, you don't have to sugarcoat it. You just write bill. Sorry about the length of this email. I know you suck at reading out loud.

Anyways, I am a lawyer and this is just how I write and think I implore you to take 10 minutes to read it. You know what? When anybody uses the word implore and just because you said you're a lawyer, I just fixtures you. You're speaking to the jury and you just clapped both your hands together like class them together. I implore you to look at the evidence. Whatever that I am generally thinking you are thinking thanking you for being a good man. If you want to use some of it of all of it, feel free. If not, then no hard feelings.

I promise not to show up to your house and money. Alright, last week you read a letter from a kid who finished his first year of law school who was trying to decide whether to drop out. He noted that he hated law, law school and was unhappy. You told him to walk away. Speaking as an attorney with 10 years, 100 trials, murders, rapers, you name it, please let me say this. Your advice was spot on. Oh my God, I thought you were going to go the other way. I thought you were going to be like, listen, law school is terrible.

But once you get out of it and get into the exciting world of sitting next to a rapist who you know did it, but for some reason you have to defend him, it makes it all worthwhile. In my line of work, we use the term jaded. Jaded is the state where an attorney no longer gives a shit about his clients. He simply does his job out of obligation and the need to bring in a paycheck. Dude, how the fuck can you be in that mindset when somebody's freedom is on the line? Dude, I swear to God, life is so fucking scary. Once again, one of the dumber things I've said.

Nothing will ever be dumber than when I was on Joe Rogan's podcast and whatever the fuck I said about science. Science is like fascinating. It's neat. I said something really stupid like that. Science is like amazing. Listen to the Joe Rogan experience, by the way, or reach out to one of his listeners. I'm sure they can tell you where it is in that podcast where I said it. It was so dumb, I wasn't even embarrassed.

I almost felt like I felt a freedom. Almost like someone, if they come out of the closet, I was coming out of the closet of stupidity. I was tired of pretending to be this person that I wasn't. Is he in the closet stupid or is he out of the closet? He's out of the closet. He announced to the world, like that Ellen, remember that? Yep, I'm gay. I should have been on the cover of Time Magazine.

Yep, I'm stupid. All right, shrugging fucking little mixer in front of me as I record the podcast. All right, Bill, we get it. Okay, I have 15 cases tomorrow, this lawyer says. Each of us is a human being facing prison, some for decades. The truth is that I don't give a shit about a single one. Oh my God. I'll do my job, but be it via the path of least resistance.

I just want to get back to my office and check laTimes.com. I should probably offer some excuse, but I won't. Truth is that every criminal defense attorney gets this way within three years of passing the bar. Wow, are you just speaking for yourself and thinking it's everybody? Are you serious? Oh my God, God help me if I ever have to fucking go to get a defense attorney. Jesus Christ. Anyways, between my first and second years of law school, I learned that I love commercial aviation.

Oh, so here it is. So no, dude, you can't tell, you can't say all lawyers are like this. You want to be a pilot, right? Wait a second. He says not flying, but rather the aircraft itself. I love every little nook and cranny, every little screw in spring, but I ignored my passion and pressed forward. Instead of following a dream and moving to Seattle where Boeing is based, I took a big paycheck as a public defender. Every day, now I look in the mirror and wonder what could have been.

All right, wait a minute. Okay, so you, well, then you can't lump all attorneys because some people, it's their dream to be an attorney and they want to go there and they want to do something. Well, I know, I know a couple of great attorneys. I have a great attorney. The guy's a fucking animal. He's up there prowling the stage, killing the crowd, but doing it in a legal, in the legal field. Ah, dude, this kills, this fucking kills me in all, in all seriousness. This kills me like nothing else.

Hearing stories of people wanting to do other things and then not doing it. Dude, what's to stop you from quitting right now and just doing it? It's not like you're 80. Anyways, between my first and second years of law school, I learned that I love commercial. I already read that part, sorry. The sad truth is that the law student who emailed you will not listen to your advice. He'll finish, now that's not true, sir. Let's not super impose your life, but okay, he'll finish law school since he's already committed.

If you ever get the chance, tell him that after he ignores you, he does not need to practice law. A law degree opens a ton of doors, but the minute you take the bar, you commit yourself to a life of pain and unhappiness. I'm not kidding. Of the 100 plus lawyers I know, not a single one likes their work. Every one of them will tell you not to go to law school. Walk away from the bar, go become a broker, go teach at a JC junior college, go work for a business, open a spearfishing business in Bali, whatever. Just don't go and take the bar. There are two reasons I'm writing you today.

The second that I want to commend you and say that you are not a cunt. You speak your mind using language you choose, you followed your close path and have made the sacrifices necessary to later reap the rewards. But more than that, you have integrity and honor and for that, I thank you. Jesus, dude, don't put me on that pedestal. I'm a fucking moron. And I have regrets too. I'll wake up in the middle of the night and start screaming like Ron Burgundy. Trying to fucking get those thoughts of regret out of my head.

We all have regrets, sir. And it's not too late for you to move to fucking Seattle. You know what's stopping you from moving to Seattle? One conversation with the fucking people you work with and a couple of suitcases that need to be filled. That's it. Who gives a fuck? I'll tell you, dude, you should follow your heart, man. And it's not too late.

I don't give a fuck if you've got kids and you're married. Move them. All right, just move them up there. Save up some money. Fucking move up there. Live a little more modest. It's a beautiful part of the country. And you know, your kids will watch.

They'll see somebody pursuing a dream. You'll be in a better mood. You'll be a better husband and father if you're married. All right? And if you're single, you got no fucking excuse. All right? Pack up all your three-piece Matlock suits and go to Seattle. Anyways, a few months back, a listener wrote about how his girlfriend was upset

because he went to a strip club and put oil on a woman's tits. Your response was telling. Your advice was to reverse the situation his mind, then apologize. It was brilliant. It was the advice that one man gives to another. I could come up with countless examples, but they'd all be saying the same thing. You tell your listeners to be fair and honest with their women.

Do I? I always think I come off as a misogynistic douchebag, dude. You tell the sad and depressed to try to get out and then seek help if unable. You tell your young to save their money and you tell people not to use drugs, but for legitimate reasons. I could go on and on, but I'd be repeating the point. Sad point is that your podcast demonstrates what it is to be a good man.

Jesus Christ. I wish Nia was listening to this shit. She'd be laughing her ass off. I appreciate this. He said, you, sir, are a good man. Never let that voice in your head tell you otherwise. Well, listen, I don't know. It's killing me that you, that people like yourself,

you're acting like you're acting like wherever you live between you and Seattle, like you're in, you're behind, you know, the old fucking Eastern block and there's a bunch of guard towers, you know, and there's some sort of war zone between you and Seattle. There isn't. You know, sir, you could actually practice law in Seattle. You know, if you just wanted to make money on the side, you know, just give this, listen, sit down tonight and figure out a fucking way

to get your ass to Seattle. And I guarantee you when you sit down and you start writing it out, your game plan, you're going to feel the excitement that you, that you're missing being a lawyer and being a lawyer is not a bad job. It's just not what you were supposed to do. Okay, because I guarantee you the same way you look at an airplane and you love every screw, every spring, every nook and cranny of an aircraft, there's lawyers who they love the smell of a courtroom.

They love that big wooden fucking desk. They love the closing argument. They love that moment of turn, you know, whatever, where you just fucking flipping around on the other guy, you know, they love defending, they love prosecuting, they love the fucking sound of their shoes walking across the courtroom. They love it. They fucking love it.

You do not love it. So my advice to you is get your fucking ass to Seattle. All right, Jesus Christ. Who gives, what are you worried about, sir? You're not going to have, you're not going to have, what are you not going to have? Flat screen TV doesn't cost shit now. You'll have enough, dude, as long as you're willing to make the fucking sacrifice,

you can make it happen, all right? What's the matter? What are you waiting on? You know, oh, oh, I have to eat fucking great nuts every day. Who gives a fuck? You know, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch. Who gives a fuck? You know, watch this thing on 60 minutes about fucking boy soldiers.

People, kids getting kidnapped, turned into murderers. You know, don't even have a fucking childhood. They get sucked right into fighting a goddamn war, following this goddamn, basically the closest thing to a zombie I've ever seen in my life. And their whole lives get fucking ruined. You know, you're a lawyer in a free country who wants to move to Seattle. Don't fucking disappoint me. You better write me back and tell me you're in Seattle, all right?

But please, for the love of God, don't ever become a jaded pilot. Oh my God, I'm so fucking bored with flying. I just have this feeling that I just want to push the fucking, was it the yolk? Whatever the fuck, the goddamn stick. Sometimes I feel like I just want to push it forward. Crazy ex, Billiam, catching up on the podcast and you just told a story about a woman you used to date that threatened to kill you and then made a tin of brownies. Yeah, she said she was going to stab me.

She didn't say fatally. That's where you ended the story. Dude, how did you finally get rid of her? In case you're wondering, yes, my life is that dull that I actually give a shit how the story ends. No, I did kind of leave you hanging. How did I get rid of her? I was really young and naive and this is what she would do. She would call me up and I would pick up the phone.

This is before caller ID and shit. So I picked the phone up and it would be her and then I would be, listen, I don't want to talk to you and then she'd start crying and I was an idiot because I thought she was crying legitimately. I didn't realize that it was a manipulation tactic to make me feel bad and make me feel like I'm a fucking bully. So I'd stay on the phone, talk her down and be nice to her where she wasn't crying anymore and then we would end with a nice ending to the phone conversation. In her psycho stalker world, that meant that we were somehow still connected and back together and then she would call me again and I would say, listen, I don't want to talk to you.

Then she'd start crying. It was this fucking circle that I couldn't get out of. Cycle, I should say. It was funny ever since Dan Cook's vicious circle came out. I never say vicious cycle anymore. It was a cycle I could not get out of. My manager at the time just says, listen, because I said, what the fuck do I do? He goes, listen, when she calls, you pick up the phone.

If it's her, just hang up. Just hang up and that's what I just started doing. I would pick up the phone and she'd be like, Billy, and I would just click. I just fucking, I just hang up and within 10 days she stopped fucking calling me. I mean, granted, at that point I was living on the other side of the country for half of the fucking time, but I just kept hanging up. I did have the advantage, like I said, of not still being in the same city, but what you have to do is if you have a girl like that or a guy, well, a guy is different.

I really feel bad for women when it comes to shit like that because guys, you know, I guess there are women out there that actually take it to some ridiculous violent level, but obviously guys do it more often. So this is my advice for guys. If you have some crazy lady in your fucking life, that's what you do. You can't give them anything because people like that, you give them one little fucking ray of light, they latch onto that and they think you guys are getting fucking married or some shit. All right, that's the crazy ex.

That's how it ended. I just stopped fucking. It's not really exciting. I just kept fucking hanging up on her and eventually she went away and every once in a while, she would try to fucking reach back out and I just, just no, just nothing. Beat it. Leave me alone. I think she reached out and tried to friend me on Myspace a long time ago and I just did not accept it

and then that's the last I ever heard of her. That's how you do it. All right, cancer lady question. Morning, Bill. Big fan. Go fuck yourself. I've got myself into an inevitable situation and now need some advice on how to get myself out of it. A few months back, I started seeing this girl who a few weeks in found out she could potentially have cancer.

Oh, Jesus. Jesus, dude. Wow. I wasn't into that. I wasn't that into this girl to begin with, but figured I'd have some fun and when the time came to end it, I would. But after she told me about the possible cancer diagnosis, I felt bad for wanting to end it. So like an idiot, I stuck around. Oh, Jesus.

Well, if you're young, I can't fault you for that. You know, you now you think you're fucking doing her. You're doing her a favor. You're actually making it worse. Oh, oh my God, dude. I'm getting like douche chills. How do you get out of this? Oh, because no matter what, it's going to make it seem like you left because she had cancer.

Anyways, a few months have passed and the cancer scare is over, but now I'm stuck in this situation. No, you're not. That's your green light fucking screen doors open. Run out of there. Needless to say, she's a lot more into this relationship than I am. And I just want out and away from her maniac kids ASAP. Dude, I bet you fucking dimes the dollar. There was no cancer fucking scare.

I bet she did that to suck you into the fucking relationship. I saw a thing on TV the other day and, you know, God knows if you see it on TV, it's got to be true. Some woman did that, told everybody that she was dying of cancer, including her fucking boyfriend. The fuck head went ahead and married her. Idiot. Anyways, he said, is there a smooth way out of this cluster fuck without making it obvious that I only stuck around because of the cancer? Is there a good exit strategy? Thanks for the help and come to Toronto soon, asshole.

There's no smooth way out of a fucking relationship. There isn't. You just have to sit down and say, listen, we need to talk. And then they go, okay. And you say, listen, I'm not, I'm not happy. I'm not happy. I think you're a great person and everything, but I'm just not feeling like you're the one. Boom.

Right there. What did that take? Eight seconds to say that? You just say it. You just say it. Just say it and just get it out there. And then the, let the fucking chips fall. She's going to cry.

She might scream. She might throw shit at you. You know, neighbors will be peeking through their curtains, but just say that. Okay. She might try to get you to fucking go back and, you know, manipulate. Well, maybe we can work it out and she want to talk to somebody. Maybe we can talk to somebody about it. I know I just, this is truly what I'm feeling and it isn't fair to you for me to continue sticking around.

It's just preventing you from meeting the person you're supposed to be with and myself also. I'm sorry. I feel horrible, but I have to be honest with you and you can't fuck with that. And then you're out. I mean, no, you're not out. You got to sit through another 180 minutes of fucking histrionics and everything, but, but you're out. Okay.

And you just sit down and you tell yourself, sir, that you know what today at two o'clock in the afternoon, I'm talking to my girlfriend soon to be my ex-girlfriend. And you know what? From two o'clock to five o'clock is going to suck fucking donkey fucking balls. All right. But 501 on is going to be great. All right. This is like you're a fucking junkie.

I saw that on, uh, uh, doctor, um, those fucking doctor shows. The fuck is it? I can't remember shit anymore. He was basically talking about how addicts will go through fucking eight, nine, 10 years of hell because they don't want to go through 10 days of, uh, of detox rather than dealing with 10 days of fucking retching and vomiting and feeling like you're fucking your, like your fingernails hurt, 10 days of that, you're going to go through 10 days of hell and be living out on a fucking street just to avoid those 10 days of fucking withdrawals.

That's what you're doing. If you stay in a fucking relationship, you don't want to be in, all right? Just get the fuck out. Get out now and make me proud. All right. Dilemma. Dear Bill, your Monday morning podcast has become religion over the past five weeks. I came to see at the Pap's Theater in Milwaukee a year ago or so and have been a fan ever

since. I just thought I might bring to your attention a question to my roommates and I disagree upon completely, um, in a fight to the death against an opponent of equal size, strength and skill, which weapon would you rather have on your side? A 20 ounce hammer with a nail, nail removing hook on the end or a 28 ounce wooden Louisville slugger. The question is, that's not even, it's a joke. Question is, which is the better weapon and your opponent is essentially you the fucking

Louisville slugger without a fucking doubt, the Louisville slugger, I can get you from a distance. What the fuck are you going to do with your hammer? You got a hammer. You got to get inside. You throw it at me and I got a bat. I'll fucking hit it right back at you. I'll hit it over your head.

Now you have no fucking weapon and now I'm coming right doing that fucking over under over under right in front of my face. I could do it. I could literally have that thing. Okay. I bet. I bet fucking right handed. There.

The secret's over. You now know my stats throws right bats fucking right, um, drums right plays guitar lefty rights lefty. I'm all over the fucking map. So I fucking, I'd have it in my left hand, my front hand, like if I was up at bat and I would come in, do a couple step in, step out, step in, step out, and then I just fucking wacky in your shit. And as you did that stupid little hop, I'm coming up top now.

I'm first, I'm doing short, quick ones, real quick fucking you up so you can't, you know, so you don't catch the bat and then as you really start getting fucked up, then I'm then now I'm going for a double, then I'm going up the fucking goddamn warning track and then that's it. And I'm swinging for a home run and you're fucking done split your head like a fucking melon. Fuck you in, in your hammer. It's over.

Um, whoever's picking the hammer is thinking like, what would I rather get hit with once with a bat or once with a hammer hammers made on a metal bats made out of wood. It's the stronger fucking material, obviously, of goddamn hammer, right? Metal. All right. But what they're not thinking about is the distance. You know what? Why don't you, why don't you email?

Why don't you call in the Joe Rogan podcast, Joe Rogan experience, you'd be able to break that down. All right, people. You know what? That's the podcast for this week. Uh, here's what's going on at the, uh, the all things comedy network. We got deep shit with Baron Vaughn on March. Oh, okay.

Deep shit with Baron Vaughn. He recorded a half hour in Boston. It's coming up and it's going to be on TV at some point really, but that that's the promo that I get. Uh, just fucking what are we doing over here? Baron Vaughn recorded a half hour special on March 11th for Comedy Central. Look out for it. So did Joe DeRosa over there.

Um, why didn't I look this over the flop house episode number one, 22, the flop house live show on June 8th and, uh, Tribeca 200 Hudson street tickets not on sale yet. Um, I'm an idiot. I can't even fucking read this shit. What's wrong with me? You know what? I'm just going to read the final, uh, advertisement for this week and then I'm going to tell you a funny story.

Actually, I'm not. I just said that I'm going to tell you a funny story because I wanted you to fucking hang in there. That's what I did. You see what I did there? I just fucking lied to you. I looked for that lawyer said that I was a great man. I just lied to you.

Um, I don't know what the teaser, remember I was talking about Ting at the beginning of this podcast. Now you're thinking, what is Ting Ting is a mobile service, mobile that makes sense. Ting is no, a no BS mobile service. It's an MVNO reseller of the national nationwide sprint network. Uh, they got a new hotspot. They've just added a three G slash four G Y max hotspot to the Ting lineup. The Sierra wireless overdrive pro can be had in refurbished for just 30 bucks.

On February, they added the option to purchase used devices via our partnership with glide. You know, I always wondered what they did with those phones when you gave them back to them. It's wonderful. So you can finally buy them. You know, you're actually recycling and getting a better cell phone service, um, bring your own LTE sprint device. The option to bring a sprint device has been around for a while, but there was a limitation.

No LTE devices could make the move. Um, Ting has been working to have the limit, this limitation and now many L to remove this limitation and now many LTE sprint devices are able to make the move to Ting. Um, how is Ting different? They got no contracts or ETFs, no bundling or ride along services, no overages, charges or penalties, credits or unused service, no add on charges, no mysterious line items on your bill. You're getting, you're getting the idea here.

No BS. Um, they have a no hold customer support line. You can call them and actually get a person on the line at 1-855-TING-FTW. Anytime between 8 a.m. and 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time and a real person will actually pick up the phone. They also have excellent online support at help.ting.com. So if you want to, you know, lower your cell phone costs so you can move to Seattle and go after your dream, bill.ting.com.

That's what you want to go visit. All right. That's the podcast for the week. Guys all have a great week. Don't talk yourself out of your dreams. Go fuck yourself and I'll talk to you next week. Oh, hey, thanks to everybody who's come out to my shows all this week. I almost forgot to do that.

All right. And now go fuck yourself.