Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-15-19

Episode Date: April 16, 2019

Bill rambles about Tiger Woods, war games, and groping.

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Huh? Oh, Uncle Sam's knocking at your door, Uncle Sam. He's a whore. He's taking all your fucking money, unless you didn't do shit. And then he gives you some. I didn't do anything this year, Uncle Sam. Oh, there, there, here's some money for you. Hey, Uncle Sam, I worked my balls off.

I'll take that. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Anyways, I hope today finds you on the fun side of tax day. I hope it does. I hope it does. You know, it's funny as I actually found a fucking W-9 or whatever. I have to go give to my accountant. And it's the 15th and he's going to be like,

Well, where the fuck was this when I was asking where all your fucking W-9s were, man? My lawyer is, he's a Southern character. My lawyer, my accountant. How are you guys? How are you this morning? I'm actually, you see, I didn't even wait to see how you're doing because I don't care. It's all about me on this podcast. That's why I don't have guests.

Old Freckles is fucking wiped out. This is the thing about being a fucking redhead. Even when the red party ahead is gone. There's only so much sun that someone like myself can take on during a 48 hour period. Really only an eight hour period or I am going to be in serious fucking problems here. And Old Freckles spent the entire weekend out in the sun. On Saturday, I went to Long Beach and I went down there and I watched the Long Beach GP, the Grand Prix down there, whatever the hell they call it.

It's fucking amazing because not only was there a couple of races, there was also like people out there trying to qualify for the Indy 500 or something. I didn't get that part. Or maybe they were like qualifying to try and qualify. I don't know how the fuck it works, but it was kind of reminded me of like a mini Le Mans where you had all these different classes of cars that were out there racing. And it was so fucking cool when I got to go down, you know, go in the whole pit area, whatever the fuck they called it, the paddock.

And they had BMWs and Porsches and Corvettes and then they had more Indy car racing style cars. And I got hooked up by a good buddy of mine and he got this one pass that said to take a hot lap, which really sounds perverted, but you get in a fucking race car and the guy tears around the track at about 120, 130 miles an hour. Now, I'd already done something like that at the Indy 500 that time when for all things comedy, comedy, comedy. I interviewed Danica Patrick right before her last race and she took me around in a Camaro. So I already did that and my lovely wife was the one who kind of put together the whole Long Beach thing.

So, and I knew that she was bored shitless. So I was like, can you, can my wife go instead of me? And the guy was like, yeah, that's what she was like, yeah, man, I've already done this. I, you know, I got to keep her adrenaline going here. And she ended up jumping in this car and she got some fucking Porsche, which I guess was worth like fucking 300 grand. And this guy tore around the track. She did a little Instagram thing about it, but that put a big smile on her face and got her going again.

I don't know who she drove with, but she thought that was his job, that that's what the fuck he did. And it turned out he was like some like legendary race car driver who would want a ton of races or something. But anyways, we ended up having a great fucking time and dude that I've been meaning to go to that. That is a killer fucking event. The crowd is like crazy into it. And on the first lap of the first race that I saw, there was there was an accident when you just heard the crowd go, freaking out because they fucking were watching it up on the TV. And there's a couple of hotels down there too.

For those of you who don't want to sit in the sun like me that have balconies that overlook the racetrack. So it's like basically, you know, you get high enough up a floor. It's like you're hovering in a fucking helicopter just watching the whole frigging race and then you could have the TV on in your living room. You know what I mean? Then you could burn some coal and do a couple other things to fuck up the atmosphere just for your own fucking personal enjoyment. It was tremendous. I had a moment there where I was almost going to get to meet Bobby Ray Hall. Who as far as I know is I think the first guy who ever won a NASCAR event and then won the Indy 500.

That's quite a leap that you didn't see a lot back then. You know, they were a bunch of good old boys back in the day. Hell, they were just running some car. They had shinin' the fucking weekend before. It was much more like that. I caught the tail end, you know, when it was a buddy, Baker, Kale, Yarberl, Harrigan, you know, Harrigan, the Skoll, Bainett, Buick, Regal, whatever the fuck it was. When the fucking cars still look like something you drive down the street, I caught the tail end of that. Darryl Waltrip.

Bobby Bonilla. No, I'm sorry, that's a baseball player, isn't it? The fuck else was out there. Oh, Bill Elliott, the Bill Burr, the fucking star car drivers, you know. People always said I look like Ron Howard. It's like, no, I didn't. I used to look like Bill Elliott, a.k.a. Dollar Bill, which was never my nickname. What the fuck am I talking about?

I'm wiped out, sorry. And then Sunday, when all this unbelievable sports shit was happening, when Tiger Woods won the man... Oh, my God, that was a scary moment. All of a sudden, my mixer wasn't working, and I was like, holy shit. I believe I just said, oh, no. I'm like, now what the fuck am I going to do? Am I ever going to go out and buy another $60 fucking two-channel mixer? It's $99 a guitar, Santa.

Turns out it's just the outlet in my house. All right. I love it. I love buying an old house with characters. It's got a lot of character, you know. See that guy over there? He doesn't work at all. He's got a lot of character.

He doesn't have a fucking job. That guy has a lot of character. It's weird how, like, the way human beings... You're not judged having a lot of character if you don't have a fucking job. But, you know, if a house doesn't work at all, that's how it's described. It's got a lot of character. It's got a great personality. Anyways, Tiger Woods won the master.

Aha, ladies. Oh, the ladies. All these years, they were hoping that that motherfucker would never win again. So there's stupid fucking theory that, you know, women always try to take the credit when a great man does something. Whenever a great man achieves something, what do they try to fucking do? They go, well, his wife supported him. So when she fucking leaves him, when the guy's old and he's limping around and all that,

and he can't hit a jump shot anymore, and she goes out and takes his fucking house, they always try to say, well, she gave up on her dreams to follow her. Yeah, because her dreams couldn't sell out an arena. Here's one for you, ladies. I don't know why I'm coming at you like this, because it's fun. You know what? It's fun. You guys are just getting your fucking asses kicked by all these manjinas out there right

now, sitting there fucking interviewing you, specifically white women. Like you have difficult lives, which is just fucking hilarious to me. But it also is the genius of a woman. You know what I mean? The manipulating powers of women is to such a high level. Their skill and manipulation is such to a high level that literally white women are being interviewed on television right now. Like there's some sort of like oppressed people.

What is it like to be a white woman in the United States of America that has to be so difficult? You have no idea every day when I wake up and I look at my SUV and I'm like, it needs to be vacuumed out. Anyways, there's that big fucking stupid fucking argument about support. Whenever somebody great, specifically a man does something great, and then a woman cleans them out or there's credit, you know, or the guy's given a fucking speech, he always has to thank his fucking wife.

You know what I mean? And you know, all guys, we know what this is. Say her fucking name so she's in a good mood on the car ride home, because God knows her emotions come first before anything else in the fucking relationship. So that's why guys are giving a shout out. But what women do is they take it at face value, like they actually had something to fucking do with it. You know what I mean?

Ladies, let me ask you this fucking question, okay, because for all these fucking years they had this theory that when Tiger's personal life fell apart, that's why his golf game fell apart, which was complete horseshit. All right, if you read any of those stories, the man definitely had the ability to compartmentalize his life. That wasn't the issue from day one when he was just a kid. What he won his first master master right when that fucking 1997. All these fucking old white guys were going like this guy's unbelievable.

He's gonna fucking do this and that, but I'll tell you the way he swings is such a violent swing. I'm worried about his back and his knees and all that they called it. A lot of them were probably hoping it was going to happen because they wanted Jack Nicholson or Nicholas, sorry, to still be at the top, you know, who's kidding who golf isn't the exactly the most inclusive fucking sport out there, right? So they're like, I don't want no personal color. Like they said, personal color, beating fucking the gold, the sun god, Jack Nicholson.

So they were predicting that his body was going to break down and give out on which it did right when his personal life did. So of course, everybody gives the Barbie doll all this fucking credit that she was his rock. She did the fuck out of here. The guy did it on himself by himself. That's it. He did it on his own at the end of the fucking day. She's not out there swinging the fucking yard sticker, right?

You know, and for any women who don't like that shit, let me ask you this, okay, what a woman gives birth and a guy sitting there supporting her going, come on, you can do it. Okay. Who deserves the lion's share of the credit when the baby gets delivered? Furthermore, who gets the lion's share of the credit? The woman still does. You know what I mean? But you can better believe if we were pushing a kid out of our ass there and the woman was

chairing us on, you know, God knows, God knows the court system would be like, well, you know, she played a major role. How come fans and for the Patriots haven't gotten their own Super Bowl rings for supporting the Patriots through this incredible Super Bowl run? Where's my ring? I supported you, Tom Brady. So anyway, I'm just, I'm really talking to a small segment of fucking women out there, but it's fun to fucking trash them.

I missed the whole fucking thing. I didn't see any of it. And I was at Fort Irwin out in the Mojave Desert there, the Mojave Desert, watching the Army play some war games. Don't ask me how the fuck this whole thing came together. I did a show at an American Legion. There's a comic there, John Sites, who is a veteran himself. And you just go down there and you're smoking cigars with veterans and they ask you shit

and you just keep saying yes. The next thing you know, as a bald, redheaded male, you were, you were out in the middle of the fucking Mojave Desert. No business being out there fucking in the middle of the God, well, actually we got up at like 530. Well, I had to be there at 530 in the morning. It's pretty cool. We flew like a Vietnam era Huey, like the apocalypse now one, you know, Charlie doesn't

like to surf, you know, we flew that thing up out there. I got to sit in a Black Hawk and Apache talk to all these pilots and then I watched a fucking war game and ate the fucking military meal that they have out there that you cut it open with a knife and there's some fucking psycho thing that you, I don't know, you kind of rub it together and then you stick the chili in and it heats up. I got to tell you, it was pretty fucking good. All right, granted, I wouldn't want to eat that every goddamn day for two fucking years in the middle of God knows where I wouldn't want to do that.

But you know, for one day, you know, it's funny, I'm so Hollywood, they were like, you know, what's funny is this, this meal here is actually 5,000 calories because these guys are just fucking sitting out there. These brave men and women are sitting out there, right? And for 10 days they're out there, so they, you know, they're burning all these calories and shit and immediately I'm so Hollywood like 5,000 calories. I have an acting gig coming up and I can only eat about 1875. That's my target.

But I ate the whole fucking thing. I didn't want to disrespect anybody. So anyways, watch these whole fucking war games and it was, it was fascinating. They like play, it's almost like laser tag and they get like these blinking lights on like tanks and shit like that. And if you get hit and it blinks twice, it's considered not a direct hit, but you're, you're I don't know, sort of wounded. And if it blinks four times, that means you're dead, you're out of the game, your whole tank

shuts down, you're not able to communicate with anybody because, you know, theoretically you're fucking dead. And I just watched how the black horse, the home team, they drew in the other teams basically in a way game for the other people. And I kind of, at the end of the day, learned a lot of shit. I don't know a lot of shit, but I learned a lot of shit. Like how that terrain is fought in. And it's basically you move through the valleys.

You're not going to try to go up and over, certainly with all that, you know, equipment, which isn't something that I ever really thought about. So you just kind of know, all right, where can they come from? And then they just basically draw them in, you know, it's, it's like, Hey, look at this over here. And they go after that. And then they get, I don't know what the proper term and as they get flanked, I don't know what the fuck it is.

They hit him from the other side, like, Hey, look at my left hand. And then they punch him with the right was essentially what they kept doing. And it was working. They kept drawing people in like you'd see them, they spot their position. The other team would get excited and they would just fucking come flying in guns of blazing. And then they would just get broadsided. And by the time they figured out where the fire was coming from, it was over.

They were fucked. I got to go in an old tank and I shot a, well, you know, that gun on top, the turret turret coming up, whatever the fuck it is, that little thing. And you know what I realized in that moment, I could give a shit about guns. I am all about aviation. I was hanging on every word of those pilots, asking them how, you know, the whole thing worked, why the tail rotor was that much higher than the main rotor. I could have talked about that all day long, but fucking sitting there, my ears are shot.

I don't want to see, you know, it was like doing that, you know, something every fucking redneck would get half a woody to go do. And I was up there felt guilty. I was just up there like Jesus Christ, how many bullets are left? My ears are ringing. Fuck. I was more fascinated with how you change the fucking, if one of the tracks comes off the tank, how you change that fucking thing and what a bitch it is to change and how long

it takes and how fucking pissed off everybody gets. I was more fascinated with that. Although the fucking weaponry on the, the Apache was pretty cool. You know that thing, the things on the side where it's just like they, it's like a circle thing and like they just kind of all his shit comes out. One of the pilots would say, yeah, those things are about as accurate as a bottle rocket. So it's really like this big skill to try and to initially try to get some sort of accuracy with those things.

But anyways, we spent like, God, we get out there like seven something in the morning. And I took pictures with a lot of the troops out there. And as you noticed, it was fucking hilarious. I kept it real. I came out there dressed like a civilian. I wasn't going to go to the Army Navy store like a friend of mine did, but he was a veteran and buy some fucking camouflage pants. I walked down ahead like the Spicoli vans on.

I didn't realize we were going out in the middle of the desert. I had this, this fucking windbreaker that my wife bought me for Christmas. I've only worn it like five times. I don't know how I'm going to get it clean. But I want to thank everybody out there for it. Or I'm definitely going to come back and do a show if I can figure out where to do one. I didn't see where they had any sort of a theater or a stage or anything. But I definitely, I was talking to John Sight said, I go, dude, we got to come back out

and do a show. These people are great. They treated us awesome. And I don't know, that was, that was quite a goddamn experience. Like if I was going to miss the masters and see Tiger win, because I know I can watch that online. I'll be able to find it. But I heard it was the most exciting master since Nicholas in 86.

But I don't know, it was amazing. And what was killer was every fucking Army guy, a woman that even remotely knew who I was said, Hey, I love Epis for family. Not one of them said anything about my standup, which was so fucking cool. So I'm kind of feeling like after three seasons of F as a family, it's finally breaking through. Anyway, so thank you to everybody out there for it, or when I want to come back out and do a show, all right, not in the middle of the fucking desert. I need a stage and an air conditioned bunker.

You give me that and I'll be, I'll be back out there. Other than that, maybe I'll go out there in the wintertime. I'll do a nighttime show when all them creepy critters come out. I guess there's some turtle out there too. That's like endangered. So if they come upon it, they're supposed to let people know, and then they come out and they remove it and they stick it somewhere else. And the big joke is the reason why it's endangered is because if you come up and you try and

pick it up, its defense mechanism is it empties all the fluids out of itself, bodily fluids. And then like it dies of like dehydration immediately. It's like, well, I mean, if your defense is to essentially kill yourself, I don't know how long you can be around, I wouldn't assume that that would be something you could do. All right, anyways, congratulations to Tiger Woods. When I got off, when I came back to the helicopter where we were going to fly back, I turned my phone back on and I had all these messages from Verzi and Bartnick and all these guys flipping out about Tiger, I was like, oh my God, you got to be kidding me.

And so I immediately looked up Tiger Woods and I saw that picture of him when he sank the puck, the putt, sank the putt. And I can't remember the last time I was that happy for an athlete. Cannot fucking remember. So fucking great. And now he's got like what, 15 or 16 and Jack has 18. If he at 43 puts it all back together. I mean, Jack won one in 86.

He was 46 years old, so he can definitely do it. But and I thought, I remember seeing him, I watched the beginning of the Masters and I saw him and he looked like he was in really good shape. Yeah, that's just, I mean, how great is that for golf? I can't imagine what the fucking ratings were. And then the amount of jackasses who are now going to go take up the game. That guy has been the greatest thing for golf, you know, of the last, you know, quarter century. Like he's basically had the sport on his back.

So it's so great to see that guy come back. Congratulations Tiger Woods. And congratulations to your Boston Bruins tying up the series. The Maple Leaf, first the Boston Bruins, I tell you it's a tale of two different games. This is my takeaway from both games. I would say in game one, the Bruins got lulled into the Maple Leafs game up and down, end to end fucking defensemen getting caught up ice, whatever the fuck they were doing. We let up like, I felt like six breakaways, they had a breakaway goal and then they scored

on a penalty shot. It's just like, what the fuck is what this isn't how we play. And then in game two, I thought the Maple Leafs got drawn into the Bruins physical play. And you know, I thought on both games, both like the Bruins lost their composure in the first game and I thought the Leafs kind of lost their composure in the second game. As far as like not sticking to their game plan and getting drawn into, it's like watching a boxing match and a boxer gets drawn into the center of the ring for a brawl, you know, because the other guy kind of gets him into that macho fucking mode.

So game three, I would assume as tonight, like I said, I was kind of off the grid this weekend. Um, by the way, I've got to look it up right now. What the fuck is happening down in Tampa? That is the only fucking time after game two when Columbus beat, uh, beat the lightning. There's the only time I've ever seen. Was it? Tortorelli?

It's the only time I've seen that guy smile like that. Like he looked, he looked elated. Oh my God, they fucking lost again. Are you fucking kidding me? I mean, it's fucking over. I was just going to say Columbus has to win game three because you can't wake the sleeping giant. That is the Tampa Bay lightning.

Good fucking Lord. I got to watch the NHL network. What is, what are the Columbus bluejackets doing that the Bruins couldn't fucking do? Playoff shock. Columbus wins again goes up three, nothing. Okay. Here's some quotes. Everyone's got to step up.

Everyone's got to play solid, solid game and we've got to make it a little bit harder. That was Tyler Johnson. I don't know who that is. I don't know who anybody is. I got a kid now. I don't know who fucking plays for who. All right. Game three.

I believe he's still playing with Tampa. He said to have no power plays in a game is pretty surprising. You have to earn those. And I thought we played well in the third, but it's no consolation right now with the position we're in sort of complaining, but not really our focus has to be coming out and playing with that same pace, the same execution, that same desperation right from the start, play one period at a time, said Ryan McDowell, I don't know who the fucking people are.

Somebody asked a question. When was the last time Tampa won a Stanley Cup? Why that would be 2004. That would be 2004. Jesus Christ. You know, I went to a game out there in Columbus and I was very impressed with their fans and that was early on. They were all in.

They were into the fucking game. So congratulations to them. Tampa Bay Lightning fans. Fuck. I've been there. I go our nose. I've been there. I've been there as a fan where you fucking kick the shit and left my first year watching

the Boston Bruins like really like, no, my first year I went to a game. Was that 83 season 80? Was it 83, 84? We won the president's trophy or something. We had Pete Peters and he was like the best goalie in the league and all of that. And the first round was best three out of five and the Canadians came in and they were like fourth place in the Adams division and we drew them and those fucking assholes came in and swept us like they always did back then.

And the first game that was the first Boston Bruin game I ever went to, I was taking French and the French kids had come over and they took them to a game and you had to buy the tickets through our French teacher was pretty cool. And we all went down to the old Boston garden and I remember we went in there and we were sitting with the French kids and it took me about eight seconds to realize that those fucking assholes started rooting for the Canadians because they started hearing all that blue blanque rouge and all that fucking, which is so fucking ridiculous because the French don't even respect the fucking French Canadians.

They don't consider them real French. They consider them farmers. But I got a hand into those French kids. They were fucking waving these Montreal Canadian flags right in the faces of these drunk fucking Bruins fans in the upper deck. But I think because they were French and they just weren't American jerk offs, they somehow got away with it. But I remember my French teacher looking over at me like making this face like, did these

fucking kids know what they're doing? This is getting pretty intense. Oh my God, would that have been hilarious if a brawl broke out in the next day. We went to fucking French class. You know, it'd be hilarious is nothing would happen as far as like back then where now that would be like a national news story. Like what was that French teacher thinking bringing these poor immigrants down to that hostile environment?

Look at this cell phone footage. That wouldn't have happened. Do you realize I grew up in an era where something like that could have happened and know the people in the section would not even have known the backstory of what went down. They would have thought it was just a bunch of fucking cunts who came down from Montreal and got their asses kicked. They wouldn't realize. No, that was like teenagers from France.

Anyway, so game three, I imagine tonight, huge fucking game, huge game. We got to take control of God damn series. Toronto was such a good team and I was not believing in their gold tender there then Anderson guy and basically I watched one game and he mishandled the puck twice. So I was like, I know about hockey, but he's been playing great. Certainly in that first game, that first game we had like, I feel like we had 20 more shots than Leafs did and they still came into one. So Leafs have a really good team and I really like the Leafs, you know what I mean?

Always have. So like I said, if we don't beat the Leafs in this series that they're going to be the team that I'm going to be rooting for, although Columbus, I mean, that's a fun story. Now if they beat Tampa Jesus Christ and I haven't seen a second of that series, I'm missing the whole frigging thing. I'm running around like a lunatic. Why? Why is that?

Because we got the last episode of efforts for family for season four, we're writing it this week. But what happens at this time of the season is as you're writing the episode, you're also getting the first animatics, which is the first rough drawings and then you have to go back and punch that stuff up and look at the edits. So it starts to become like, rather than one giant wave writing the script, it starts becoming a series of waves hitting the beach. And oh, Freckles gets busy here.

But I definitely got to tune in to watch that game for that Columbus series. And of course, I'm going to be watching my Bruins tonight. All right. What else? Oh, big announcement. This is something I've been trying to do for a while. I have a charity show coming up on August 1st at the Wilbur, Boston, Massachusetts. Yours truly is going to be there with a bunch of other Boston comics.

It's for the Travis Roy Foundation. It's laughing with your buddies for the Travis Roy Foundation. Travis Roy, of course, was a great hockey player for the Boston Bruins. And unfortunately, he broke his neck and got paralyzed playing for the team. And I remember where I was when I saw that story. That story really affected everybody living in Boston. And I've been trying to get involved with their charity for a long time, and it's finally going to happen.

This is basically the most important show I'm doing of the year, man. This is a huge thing to be able to do something for the Travis Roy Foundation. I've been able to email back and forth with him. He's a great dude, obviously, with a great heart, super positive. And he's doing such great things for people who are in a similar situation as him. It's going to be August 1st at the Wilbur Theater. The venue pre-sale is Wednesday and Thursday. Tickets are on sale Friday, www.thewilbur.com, slash artist, slash Bill Burr, Bill Dashburr.

Another backslash. Jesus Christ, why don't we just fucking tweet the goddamn link? I think that that's what we're going to do. I can't wait to do that show. Oh, Freckles is going to have a fun summer. I got an acting gig that shoots back on the East Coast. Some of you saw my General Hospital trailer. That's a first that a soap opera actually released a trailer, but I like to think I did such a

good job on General Hospital that they want to hype my three-episode arc. It's actually just one episode. All right. And then new to all things comedy. Check this out. All things comedy, going internationally here. All right, this is the copy to all my Mandarin speaking listeners, which I hope there's some. The Mandarin Dream Podcast with Feng Chao, Fung Chao, Fung Chao, a Beijing-born Los Angeles

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Welcome to All Things Comedy. I hope you enjoy his podcast. If you can find a way to listen to it, because I'm not sure, you know, I know they blackout the fucking internet over there from what I've heard. As far as the American propaganda done told me, I don't know if it's true or not. All right, let's read some of the advertising here. For the week, for hymns, I ask you, do you want a bald spot to pop up on your hairline? Sorry, do you want a bald spot to pop up or your hairline to recede?

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I guess you don't have to go bald anymore. It's funny, the other guy I was working with was also bald and we were talking about he was going, he getting those old age spots on top of your head. I said, no fucking way, dude, I do not have my bald head in the sun whatsoever. And he goes, yeah, man, it sucks. And then we just started laughing. I go, you know, it's fucking crazy with all this stem cell research. They can literally grow a fucking ear and a goddamn petri dish and they can't come up with

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So why not get started today? Go to betterhelp.com slash BIR. Simply fill out a questionnaire to help them assess your needs and get matched with a counselor you'll love. Betterhelp.com slash BIR. All right, what else did I want to talk about? Was there anything else? Lewis Hamilton, once again, finally had his first great start of the year, blew right by Valterri Botas, who had the pole position.

And that was pretty much it. And I've been watching racing, F1 racing long enough to know that when Lewis Hamilton gets first in that first turn, the fucking race is over. It's over. And I also know that if he's in second or third place and there's only 10 laps to go, and he has no chance of winning the race, he's going to start complaining. I don't understand why other people aren't helping me out here. I was really hoping Botas was going to win that because I didn't realize the first year when I watched

what a great fucking year that was to watch two drivers on the same team compete for it and not help each other and smash into each other. What the fuck was that guy's name? The guy retired. I can't remember his name. Anyway, plowing ahead. I did not see the MotoGP race. I have a lot of shit to get caught up on because I was out in the desert.

I was being such a fucking asshole when I was out there too. Like they were explaining all this military stuff to me and I was just standing there in my fucking vans in my Pete Carroll khakis and they would explain all this military shit and then they would just be like, do you have any questions? And I was just like, I bet the stars at night are incredible out here. Can you see the stars a lot better than you can without the thing in the fucking? There was a guy with special forces and he totally rolled with it. He was like, absolutely.

It makes you question your existence with just this speck of dust. Yeah, there was a lot of ball breaking out there and it reminded me of back in the day when I used to work in a warehouse and all we did was just give each other shit all day. It was the most fun fucking thing ever. And at some point, because one of the guys on special forces was also had a kid around my age, we both started going off on that show fancy Nancy. And and what an asshole she is and how we both are watching her going like this. I don't want my daughter watching this shit.

And they watch it. Oh, because she's fancy and she's totally into like status and who her friends are and having tree forts and not letting people in and it's trying to fill up her life with like fucking clothes and shit like that's going to fill up her passion. And we would just trash in it. Laughing our asses off. And at some point we said that the working title of that defer the working title of it was actually Conti Kathy, but they couldn't get it on the air or something like that.

I forget, but we just fucking sitting there in the middle of this desert just laughing our balls off about this fucking cartoon. And then all of a sudden this war games thing started. And I don't know. I want to thank everybody. Once again, it was out there, man. That was a hell of an experience that I will definitely not forget. So anyway, all right, let's see.

Let's read some of the questions here for this week. All right. Okay, so I sent out a tweet as a joke saying, you know, I wish somebody from England could explain to me the different leagues and soccer. And I was doing that as a joke because last week when I fucking thought that man city had lost a league game and that what's his face is, you know, it's so fucking stupid. It's not a fucking league game, but they still add the points or don't have the points.

I don't fucking get it. It's so fucking ridiculous. Like this is just a friendly the middle of the season. Let's just play a fucking game for the fuck of it. And then there's the champions league. Anyway, so all these fucking English cunts put down their fish and chips for a fucking minute, right? And waddled their bloated upper bodies with their skinny fucking legs over to their computer

and just starting, they were, it was hilarious. They will fucking live it at me. And so I was just sort of being a dick going. I wish somebody would explain it to me. So maybe if I could see if I could get them to start writing in capital letters, but what ended up happening was because I wrote it nicely rather than being a dick here. So I still got fucking sand in my throat. They actually sent me a bunch of emails to try to explain it to me.

So now I can't break their balls anymore. So all right, so here's the deal. This is basically explaining all the different leagues. Soccer has has a playoff, but it's called the champions league. The top four Premier League teams at the end of the season make the playoffs just like the divisions in American sports. See, I didn't know this. The team with the most points in the Premier League basically wins the president's trophy.

The biggest difference is that the playoffs happened at the same time as the regular season. I see that I needed more explanation there. So that basically means that this season is a playoff. All right, so the Tottingham win over Man City happened in the playoffs. What? Liverpool is currently in the playoffs and there are no tie games. If you get a chance, watch the champions league. It's really awesome to watch. Thanks and go fuck yourself.

Yeah, now see how I would watch that. Now, why didn't somebody just tell me that from the beginning? But the champions league is also it's not just the top four teams. I thought there was something like with like Switzerland. I don't know. I'm just going to keep asking questions till I get it because now that seems that seems exciting to me as opposed to just, you know, what we met twice during the regular season. And I lost both fucking games, but I still have more points to you.

So I win the Premier League. I don't I don't know. Anyways, this is Biden. Dear Billy, night shades. I'm not offended by your take on Biden because I don't really get offended and I'm not outraged by Biden. Okay. So now you know immediately this person's going to fucking be offended.

My opinion, however, is different than yours, which despite what they tell us on the news, the news is okay. All right. I would take another look at the video of him groping side boob and shit. If that was a guy I work with, I'd have the same opinion. And it happens when the guy is next to a podium, not on the dance floor sending signals. Some of the girls are young. It's just weird and I'm not even saying he's got bad intentions.

You just can't touch strangers that long. Ha ha. And I totally understand the it was from a different time thing, but my dad never rubbed up on people and he served in Korea and drove a cutlass. Love you and love the podcast. Oh, here's the thing about the Joe Biden thing. I didn't even see that. I saw like half a clip before I went out on Conan.

They go, you want to talk about that? I'm like, yeah, I'll fucking talk about it. I don't pay attention to shit. I'm just so fucking sick of everybody having their fucking career ended on on on a fucking, you know, a two minute tripping penalty. And everybody else sitting there fucking acting like they're good people. As I've said from day one, if everybody's fucking text messages were made public, could anybody go to work next Monday?

Nobody, nobody could. So everybody's got to stop fucking like this fucking witch hunt that like, you know, for your own fucking answer, the thing too, the amount of people that are going to watch Biden's dream of becoming president, get destroyed just for the entertainment purpose of it. That's all they want to do. And there's another thing too is because there's so many different ways to just sit down and watch shit. There's so much shit to fucking watch. There's so much weight.

So many ways to watch shit that one of ratings grabbing is fucking stirring up controversy. Jesus Christ. Do you remember the fucking family feud? Richard Dawson was like tongue kissing every fucking chick on the goddamn fucking thing. There was no fucking problem. He hosted a few. Right. It was fine.

Everybody fucking sitting there getting uncomfortable. It didn't happen to you. Nothing happened to you. This isn't your fucking story. If the woman's uncomfortable, she should say something. Jesus fucking Christ. The amount of that shit where it's just like so and so said this, but did they really mean that? Should Peyton Manning be upset while he's obviously not upset ESPN?

I remember that one from back in the day. I don't know. I'm one of these fucking people that it's just like if that's between the fucking people involved. I don't know what their fucking relationship is and neither do you. For all you know, he was maybe the side boot chick. He's fucking banging. And afterwards she's just like, dude, what the fuck don't grab my tit on fucking TV. They're going to know we're fucking banging.

There's a possible scenario. Look at me with no evidence. I can do it too. Yeah, I'm not in the fucking business of fucking making up shit and trying to fucking get people in trouble. Am I? Maybe I am as a comedian. I don't know. I just feel like I'm fucking joking around and like this fucking thing where you just shove a microscope up everybody's ass.

They're all human. They're all fucking flawed. I remember back in the day when I worked in a warehouse, there was this fucking manager guy. He was too fucking touchy feely. And you know what? We all fucking dealt with it. It was fucking hilarious when he'd get you and everybody else would just be laughing at you. But nowadays that guy would lose his fucking job.

He'd have to be a registered fucking sex offender. I remember I used to fucking try to make sure I was on the phone. I remember I used to fucking try to make sure I was like, you know, you had to have your head on the swivel when that guy fucking came in. Big fucking dough boy looking dude, right? So I was at the vending machine and I was uh, I was, I've told this story before. I was trying to forget what the fuck I was trying to buy

some fucking food or whatever. And uh, as you do with a vending machine and he came walking in, he goes, oh, hey Bill, how you doing? As he was walking by me from left to right, he slapped his hand on my left shoulder and then dragged it across my entire back as, as he was walking past and then squeezed my right fucking shoulder like it was a perky titty. Like he was squeezing the shaman and I was just like

ah I mean, it took like a decade and a half to fucking shake that thing off. Now, should that guy have been doing that? No. Do I think I need to report him? And he should fucking then lose his job and then this is on him for the rest of his fucking life. No, he's just weird. He's a weird guy. Okay. He didn't fucking diddle me, drug me and throw me in a van. He fucking, he fucking, I don't know. He got a little too friendly. He gave me the heebie-jeebies. Okay. Now, I don't think giving somebody the heebie-jeebies should fucking end your career.

I think you ought to be able to sit down with them and be like, listen, could you do me a favor? Can you just say hello? Like granted, he was, sorry, granted he was my boss and I was younger and I didn't know how to fucking say that. But I mean, you know, what if fucking Jesus Christ, every fucking thing, everything is just the biggest You know what I did? I went back into the warehouse and I fucking told everybody and I got such a big laugh telling the story. It was almost worth it that he did it. The fact it was worth it. I don't give, I didn't give a shit. I didn't feel fucking triggered in all of that fucking crap. Every fucking thing, you know, but I got to tell you something right now. Anybody fought in Korea and drove a fucking old cutlass is all right with me. All right, white people challenging racism. Hey, Mr. Billy Baldwin. I like that. That's a new one. Play on the Baldwin thing. Oh, what people done that before, but that's in a different way. Right. Anyways, I'm a fellow mass hall that used to work in the athletics department at East. Don't call me a math hall. It's just shaming an entire state.

And I feel like every state bring something to the table. Speaking of which, Fort Irwin, I learned when I was there, the square mileage, the square miles of that training facility, that base is bigger than the state of Rhode Island. How crazy is that? Anyways, the class, where the fuck am I? I am a fellow mass hall that used to work in the athletics department at a small college in one of those rich suburbs of Boston. Hey, they ain't all rich there, buddy. I wanted to hear your opinion on a professional development class that I was forced to go to. The class was titled white people challenging racism. Two middle aged women ran the class. One white lady that had to mention that she had a black husband every other day. And the other a black lady who referenced the book that she wrote every other sentence. Oh my God, this is like a sketch. I wish I was there. Long story short, the class was about how the only people that can be racist in America are white people because they hold the power over every minority. They're big finale. You see, you wrote there big finale. Their big finale was showing a video from the 90s of a high school science teacher showing kids that all people share the same DNA and we're one race, which is the first one. They're 99 percent say that the black professors were choose to go to

be in my coworker after we had finished reviewing and said, you two look like you don't want to be here. My coworker and I looked at each other and explained how we had finished the work she just assigned, which was to point out how the video she showed us was racist. Overall, it was a very uncomfortable experience and I was just wondering how you were to respond in this training. Sorry for the long email. Love your stuff and hope you and your family are well from a fellow mass hole.

All right. Okay. A lot of stuff here. All right. The wording of that is so stupid to say that white people are the only ones that have the ability to be racist is because they hold the power over other, every other minority is such a stupid fucking way of conveying that thought to a group of people that you want to be receptive of that information.

That's immediately going to put every white person on the defensive and be like, what the fuck? And then start sending fucking email questions to some shitheads podcast who sits in his basement and talks to himself. I would have worded that differently. I would have said that the reason why white people being racist is the worst is because they hold, they do hold the power over every other minority. So the effect of them being racist is so much more painful.

All right. And if I was in that class, what I would have said, I would, I would have said is what you, what you're seeing. And I'm not saying this is with all white people because not every white person is in a position of power, but overall, all the powerful positions, you know, 99.9% of them seems to be held by white people. What I would have said, what I would say and what I have said to people, you know, when they try to come out with that white guys are evil shit.

It's like, no, they're not, they're not inherently evil. What you're seeing with white people is human beings with unchecked power. The result of that. Okay. So what you would then see is if another group were to get that power, they would behave in the exact same way. And what I would say is the me too movement. If you look at how these powerless women then handled the power of being able to destroy,

you know, first of all, get, get people who did something wrong, all, and then how quickly that spun out of fucking control to just like, um, I was in a toxic relationship with who the fuck hasn't been who the fuck can't look on back on that dating history. You can be like, Jesus Christ, I should have got out of that relationship, fucking two dates in and then we would have avoided all of that fucking drama of screaming and yelling, but that me too shit went from like these fucking horrible guys that were taking their dicks out and doing all this fucking horrible shit, um, to then just like he yelled at me, you know, and, and you just saw how that, that whole fucking thing has spun out of control.

I thought, uh, how, uh, I don't want to fucking stir up the name here again. How a certain fucking group prevented a certain fucking performer from doing a dream gig this year. I thought that they're unchecked power that they went from despite the fact that they became, uh, an entity to protect victims. They actually became the bully in that point where this person had already fucking apologized. So there needs to be more of that because the ultimate goal is to get white people to understand the position of somebody who isn't white.

So when you come at people that way, that's that that's how it's done on the internet in a more crass way, which I've always said is when somebody's presenting an opinion, they'll be like, uh, hey, fuckhead, maybe if you fucking blah, blah, blah, blah, they start with, hey, fuck, like who's listening after that? Um, so in this weird, cause I understood, cause I know it's one of the first huge fights I got in with Patrice O'Neill when he said it was impossible for black people to be re I was like, what the, what the fuck are you talking about? And, uh, and then I later found out he was quoting like Spike Lee and it wasn't even

his quote, um, but that whole, that whole thing where that woman came over to me and if she, if she came on me and say, you two look like you don't want to be here, uh, you got to go right back at a person like that. You two look like you don't want to be here. And I would be like, and I would just look at it. I go, what, what is that based on? And I would throw it right back at her. So now you're coming over here, judging me and my vibe and you're coming over here with

like this aggressive thing with this, this veiled sort of, I'm going to report you cause you weren't sitting here with the big smile on your face. What do you want me to do now? Be reverse Louis Armstrong while I listen to this shit. Is that what I'm supposed to fucking do? You told me to do this and I did this. This is the thing like, but you're not allowed to say that in that. It's like, well, you kind of came the whole fucking way you entered this was not the way

to, that's just not the fucking way to do it. You know, and then if somebody's up there while they're doing that also trying to sell books, the whole thing is fucking hilarious. You two look like you don't want to be here. Oh, I'm sorry. I was thinking about where the nearest Barnes and Noble was so I could go out and buy your book. Do you have any sort of guilt that you're trying to make money off of this?

Um, yeah. So here's the thing. I see, I see both sides of that like, like white people challenging racism. That's a weird title for what happened. I thought that that was going to be like, you know, when white people do that thing when somebody, a black person talks about racism and they go like slavery was like 180 years ago fucking get over it. Like they do that shit.

Like I thought that that's what this email was going to be about, um, which obviously is astoundingly ignorant and, uh, it didn't affect so many people's lives. It would be actually funny on some fucking level. Um, yeah, so that's my take on that. So if anybody does that, like the big thing about when you're presenting an opinion and God knows, I learned this by doing it the wrong way for, for fucking 40 of my 50 years is you have to enter your point in a way that keeps the other people's deflector shields down so they can hear what you're saying and then also feel that you're not saying that

they are the thing that you're talking about. Um, that would be my suggestion. And, um, when you're doing that, you know, I don't know, that fucking lady there just sitting there and sitting that going because I got a black husband. Um, I've ridden a black dick, so I feel like I should be here. Um, we need a white person that's halfway into the black world here to maybe help the white people that are fully in the white world to bridge the gap between themselves and then this African-American woman here who's going to try to inform them while selling books.

Um, all right, Titanic theory. All right. Hey, Bill. Hey there, Billy false flag. Uh, do you know the theory behind the Titanic sinking? Uh, in short, JP Morgan owned the Titanic and the Olympic completely identical ships. The Olympic was damaged in port before it could be insured. According to a shipyard captain at the time, Morgan had all the identification changed.

So it said Titanic on the now we weakened Olympic. Get the fuck out of here. Morgan was supposed to be on the ship, but fell ill at the last minute. Important side note, this was all while Morgan was fighting for a central banking system so he could manipulate U S markets even more. Also the voyage on the voyage were two billionaires who opposed the federal system and stood in Morgan's way. There's a lot of good info on this one.

Billy would love to hear your thoughts. I'd love to read about it. What you're basically doing here is you're presenting motive, all right, where he would definitely have a motive if all of that is true. But how do you prove the old switcheroo? Which is what a lot of, um, conspiracy theory starts off with. And it reminds me of this great Robert Klein joke when he was making fun of those people at late night that would tell you, uh, how to get rich.

And he would start it off. He goes, okay, you have no money, so you buy a house. And then you take the equity and the house you don't own in like, it all starts off with this giant leap of bullshit like, wait a minute, I don't have any money. How do I buy a house? Um, how do you, how do you prove to me? The Olympic was damaged in port before it could be insured. I mean, how bad was it damaged though?

I don't believe this. I don't believe it. I, yeah, I simply don't believe that. So what? It already had holes in it and then they just sent it out. I know I don't believe that. Um, and also I think the people, the way they examined the boat when they found it, I didn't it.

Everything kind of fall in place. I, yeah, I don't believe that the old me would have believed that, yeah, that me from 10 years ago would have believed it. Um, but I'll, I'll look it up. That's fascinating. Shit that makes for a great, I'll tell you, it makes for a great fucking movie. All right. High school, sweetie reached out to me.

Oh, Jesus, dear Bill, longtime listener of the podcast, seeing all your specials, look forward to season foe of Fs for Fs for family. I am 22 and have been listening to the podcast for the last five years. Tremendous. Uh, the other day, I literally put myself in, in, I put you in my shoes. Like if all of a sudden, if you were 50 and your high school sweetheart reached out to you, how weird that would be? Cause both of you would be married or divorced and would be crazy.

Um, anyways, I am 22 and I've been listening to the podcast for the last five years. The other day, my high school sweetie texted me out of the blue explaining that I was on her mind and she couldn't hold back her feelings of curiosity. So she texted me. Well, that was smart. That's what she should do. Yeah. Young.

This is all, this is all above board. No, no Biden, no Biden. Um, no side boo. I now live in a different city, have a new girlfriend and my ex and I haven't spoken in over a year. Oh, so you only broke up with her a year ago. I thought you hadn't talked to her since high school. Okay.

In the past, she has reached out to me when she's having difficulties in her current relationship. And in my opinion would text me to test the waters to see if I was ready to get back together with her. And of course things would always escalate to the bedroom. Her texts went on to say that the next time I was in town, we should get together for coffee or something and quote catch up. Uh, I was skeptical, but played along and agreed.

Wait, you have a new girlfriend here, man. I don't know about this, but you're young. This is what you do. I was skeptical, but played along and agreed. She then went on to say that she has the cutest puppy and I just have to meet. All right. Now she's drawn you into her house or apartment. And I was even more skeptical of her true intentions.

Jesus, you're acting like the white guy in every fucking horror movie when I was growing up. I need to investigate. I asked her if she still lived with her current boyfriend and she said, no, it's complicated. So, Bill, would I just be dumb to actually meet up with her and chat with the thought that maybe she actually wants to catch up or should I just stay away reaching out to you because you've always been great with advice or relationship, which wish you and your family all the best.

All right. Let me get to the top of this thing here. I now live in a different city and have a new girlfriend. All right. You have a girlfriend, dude. So you should know you should not be doing this. Would you be cool if your new girlfriend was fucking catching up with her old, old boyfriend who got a new goldfish and wanted her to come by his apartment to check it out?

You know what she wants to do. I know my listeners know and you know your dick is taking you over there, buddy. You don't seem like you, you didn't mention one time that you still have feelings for this woman at all. I think it's some fucking throwback pussy that you're going to. It's not fair to your new girlfriend. You shouldn't fucking do it unless you still have feelings for this woman at which point you should not be in a relationship with this other new girlfriend and you should figure

that out. But all is forgiven because you're only 22 years old, you know, and you have a dick. So these are tough years as a guy. You don't know what the fuck to do. So no, I would not go, I would, you know, if I could go back and talk to the 22 year old me, I would say, don't do shit like this, especially now, okay, where you have social media and all that. And there's nothing preventing her after you hook up with her, which you know you're going

to do. There's nothing preventing her from fucking, you know, when she finds that she know you have a girlfriend, she probably doesn't. And if she finds out, there's, you know, you're going to get caught. The whole fucking thing's going to blow up in your face, you know, and that's going to be it. So I would not do it. I wouldn't do it.

It's not fair to the girlfriend that you have, but I don't know. The weird thing about all of this is I don't think you're into either one of these women. I think you should be single because you have a new girlfriend. You didn't say that I love that's fucking awesome and blah, blah, blah, blah. You didn't say that. And then you didn't say that you still love your ex. I think you're trying to fuck both these chicks is what I'm thinking. I wouldn't do it.

I wouldn't do it. And I would also try to assess how you feel about your new girlfriend before you waste her time and break her heart. You might want to be single is what I'm leaning towards that. I don't have enough information here, but that's, I didn't see any sort of, you know, my high school sweetheart. I felt like I could be with her. I thought this was the one I never heard that and I never heard that about the new one.

So I'm just going to keep saying the same thing over and over again. So good luck with that situation, sir. It's a tricky one. All right. That's the podcast. Everybody, I'm going to watch the MotoGP and get caught up and supports some sports and try to catch the Tiger Woods Masters, at least some fucking highlights, something of it. Once again, Travis Roy tickets, foundation tickets go on sale.

The pre-sale is this freaking Wednesday and Thursday. I'm going to tweet the link, Instagram it and all of that shit, Facebook it and please come down. It's going to be a great, great night. Stand up for a great foundation and that's it. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday. The best thing about this is that you know. Above all, you're now not a 4-year warranty on your certified second-hand car.

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