Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-16-12

Episode Date: April 16, 2012

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about soccer, college, and overrated/underrated.

Choose your second hand car for Instinct or with your license. With the choice for a BMW with the BMW Premium Selection Certificate, let yourself be guided by both. Because its quality, it feels you. And that it is reliable, you know that. Above all, you now enjoy a 4-year warranty on your certified second hand car. BMW Premium Selection, trust your Instinct, follow your license. Information and information on bmw.be

For Monday, April 13th, 14th, 15th, 16th, April 16th, 2012, 2012. What's this decade called, by the way? You know, last decade was called the 2000s, or the twos, or the aughts. What was it called? The turn of the century. This one's called the teens. You ever think about that shit? It was the roaring 20s. It was the holy shit 30s. And hey, let's go get that fucking half a mustache, cunt 40s.

The shifty 50s. The hey man 60s, right? Oh, it gives a fuck. Why am I yelling? You know why? Because I have no energy. So I figured I could just start screaming and I could overcome my lack of fucking enthusiasm here. Well, you know what? I gotta tell you something. Day 59, bang, there's one minute, one minute down, 59 to go.

It's Sunday night here in Los Angeles and I'm leaning on a piano singing a song. There's a divorced man at the bar. Maybe he'd never got married. He stares into his drink thinking about what would have been. Holy fuck, it's me. Sorry, I just sang a Twilight Zone episode. All right, what the fuck am I doing? You know, I got this new fancy fucking laptop, you know, and they got this stupid fucking password thing on this thing.

First of all, I bought a goddamn Mac knowing full well that the person who finished assembling this probably threw themselves out the window to kill themselves. Only to be stopped by those don't kill yourself nets, flung back through the window, landing back at his station to then listen to soothing don't kill yourself music. All right, so I spend all this money on this laptop that some fucking eight year old put together at four in the morning, you know, while being beaten with the last thing he assembled. And they got this fucking password on here. I swear to God, if I walk away from the computer for fucking five seconds, I got to type it in again. So I know what you guys are saying. I know what you think and you're going, well, Bill, why don't you just go to that part of the fucking computer and maybe push it back to like five minutes? Well, I'll tell you why because I can't fucking find it.

That's why I can't find it. This thing should come with a book or do I have to go buy a book? I don't know. I hate these fucking things. I hate these goddamn things and I have to be up tomorrow morning, everybody. Tomorrow morning, I have to be at work six 20 in the morning. You understand me? I have a job tomorrow just like you guys.

You're probably already at your job aren't you swollen eyes from a weekend of boozing, you know, trying to forget that you had to come to that cubicle thinking if you drank enough of them, maybe the thought of it would go away and there you are sitting there. You know, looking at all three sides of your cubicle. Well, I gotta tell you something. When you spin yourself around your little plastic staple chair, you see that the fourth wall? You can walk right through that. You walked into it. Why don't we have a walk out of your cubicle day one of these days? You know, I want to start and occupy.

I don't know what how about an unoccupied your fucking cubicle day? You know, give me a fucking office or don't give me an office. I'll just sit at a desk like fucking Jack Lemon at the beginning of the apartment. You ever see that movie? It's great fucking movie. But if you watch it, they're all just sitting in this whole line of deaths and they're shooting the shit. Everybody's flirting with each other. They fuck after work.

They drink and they all do it in Jack Lemon's apartment. You know, evidently, that was that was too much fun. There was a way we could somehow fucking have them sitting near one another yet not being able to see one another. Maybe then we could be a little more efficient. Yeah. Um, alright, this is the podcast. I had to jump right in on one. Somebody just wrote hockey is like soccer.

Bill, how can you hate on soccer and love hockey so much? The fuck they are so similar. Yeah, except one is played by men. The other is played by girls who anytime you brush up against them, they go, oh, they roll around on the ground for fucking 20 minutes. You know, who else does that in the NHL? European soccer fucking hockey players. The fucking Swedes. Right.

The Norwegians. I don't know if there's any Norwegians. I don't know. All those fucking the Sadeen, the Sandeens, however you say them, the fucking twins up there. Jesus Christ. They even graze their fucking Ben Affleck goatees from 1996. They flop around on the ice. I like soccer.

I think it is very similar to hockey. I just can't get over the fucking. What does it say about the many a country that they pretend to be hurt and roll around. So some guy will take a little yellow fucking card out of his back pocket and run up to the person who allegedly did it and just fucking, you know, pull it out like some sort of, I don't know, FBI badge. I hate how the ref runs up to the guy who does it and Jake, there's the yellow card. Why doesn't somebody just slap it out of his fucking hand? This is when I'll start watching soccer. You know what the thing I feel about soccer?

I feel like the people in the stands are tougher than the people on the field. It's really bizarre. You know, I would go out on the pitch in a second, my little fucking Larry Bird short shorts and I'd run around there and brush up against fellow men and watch them go. Fucking fall on the grass and roll around hugging their knee that I didn't hit. I would do that a second as far as standing in the crowd with those fucking crooked teeth sons of bitches with a couple of pints and some fish and chips in them. Fuck that. I'd never do it. Haven't choked me to death with their fucking matching scarves.

I don't need that. All right. I'm going to tell you that Premier League is phenomenal. World Cup soccer. I love it. Except for the, every time I start to get into it, there's that, that just that shameless flopping around, flopping around. They all look like they're going to cry. The Spaniards and the Italians, they actually get their eyes all welled up like fucking Meryl Streep.

They're out there trying to win an award. That's what I would do. You know, if I was making films in England, that's what I would do right there. I would fucking, you know, I'd cast just a soccer player. Those guys can cry on cue. All you got to do is run by him. So anyway, so now of course he goes the condescending thing. I don't know if this guy's actually, because he's actually saying that he's into the Blackhawks.

He's like, Americans don't have the attention span to watch the game that the rest of the world plays. You know, I love that. I love how they just can't admit that we don't give a fuck because we like contact sports. That's what we like. We like people smashing into one another. That's what we like and getting brain damage and then bitching about it years later, even though they did it on purpose because the fucking assistant coach gave him a thousand bucks to do it. Those are the kinds of games that we like.

All right. We're ignorant and we're violent, but we do have an attention span. All right. I understand it's a beautiful game. It's phenomenal. Corner kicks flying up and over. Everybody grabbing their balls on the penalty shots. It's beautiful.

It's beautiful. It's a beautiful thing to watch 10 guys stand in a line cupping their junk yet giving up their face to block this ball. You know, and as always, they always say, they, why do they call it football? They should call it handball because they carry it in their hands. You know, I don't know what to tell you. Okay. Like I said, I totally respect the game. I think it's a beautiful game.

But when you guys get rid of the flopping around and borderline crying in that game, I'm all over it. I'm all over it. All right. But don't talk to me about fucking attention span. It's fucking boring. All right. It's not boring. It's just, it's just fucking, it's the flop for me.

I'm speaking for everybody. I'm speaking for me. I can't get over the flopping around. I like the Premier League. I like listening to everybody singing the songs, the excitement in the crowd. You can feel it. It matters. There's history.

I can totally get into it. But every time I start to get on the edge of my seat, somebody fucking starts, I don't know what, grabbing their anus and, you know, flipping around and then that douche runs up and fucking stomps his foot as he pulls out the car and I'm just not into it. All right. You know, I like when people do that. Like they just can't accept it. You don't like their sport.

Like I tweeted something. Yes, I did do that and somehow maintain my heterosexuality. I tweeted something and I said that you could watch Lord of the Rings and the time it takes to watch the final 58 seconds of a close NBA game. Right. The NBA, I don't ever remember it taking that fucking long when I was younger. I used to watch hoop, but you know, just like a baseball game. Baseball games didn't take as long.

There wasn't everybody doing a fucking triple Lindy between every single fucking pitch, stepping outside the batter box, grabbing your dick, adjusting your gloves and all that boring horseshit. I put that right up there with soccer. All right. Fucking basketball is the same thing. So I end up, I end up making fun of that shit and somebody writes back. What the fuck did they write something on the effect that, you know, we always make fun

of that, which we don't understand, you know, kind of like what you're doing. Saying that you're not admitting that soccer does is kind of fucking boring. You're just going to say we don't have the attention span for it, you know, yet somehow we can sit there and watch a nine innings of boring baseball. Plenty of Americans do that, sir. Right. Do you hear that? Hear that sound, sir?

That's the sound of your argument hitting the fucking water in the shitter. All right. And this other cunt sitting there talking about how, you know, I'm making fun of basketball like I don't understand it. I totally understand it. I've been watching it for 30 fucking years. All right. Youngster been watching it since 1981.

Okay. And I just, uh, I don't know if there's two things that made me stop watching after the Jordan era, everyone who tried to be Jordan, you know, not passing the ball, trying not, you know, trying to win without a big man. I can do it all myself because Michael did it and then it took him like eight years to figure out they weren't Michael, you know, that type of shit. Kobe's the only guy I've been able to see do it. That kind of, I used to like the team aspect of it, that kind of left.

And then the end of the fucking game, it's just like this 58 fucking, you know what the worst is, is when the other team has clearly lost the fucking game and they keep calling timeouts. Ah, Jesus Christ, just it's over. It's fucking, what do you do? You're trying to cock block that you're trying to delay their celebration. You know, I don't know. So I mean, I still like hoop, you know, there's aspects of soccer that I like, but I don't

know. There's something about basketball. I don't understand why I watch this exciting, fast-paced fucking game. And then right when it all matters, you slowed the whole fucking thing down and I watch people take unguarded shots to win the game. It becomes golf at that point. There's nobody trying to stop you, you know, instead of putting it into the hole, you fucking throwing it in, sort of lobbing it in, putting a nice pretty arc on it.

Unless you're Shaq. You know, second you put your fucking hands over the, over your head, you're above the rim, right? So what do you do? Try to throw it in straight. You know, I think Shaq's the only person probably has a worse science background than I do. You know, remember that shit when I was telling you, I don't understand how planes fly or how you can, you can have a, on a cruise ship, how you can have a fucking pool on a cruise ship.

You know what I mean? How do you dig a hole into the, into the fuselage and dump water in it and it doesn't sink. It's just fucking beyond me. The only person I would say has a worse science background than me would be Shaq because he was in the league for almost 20 goddamn seasons and he never figured out that, hey, you know, maybe I need to put in, you know, some sort of trajectory on this thing. Is that the right word? It's unreal.

I mean, when I was a kid and I, and you know, with the nerve hoop, I knew, I knew to do that. How can you be fucking nine feet tall and not understand that? Stay in that fucking voices cracking. Um, so anyways, yeah, I got to go to work tomorrow at 6 20 in the fucking morning. Nia needs the car. So that means I got to take big boy and drive her up the fucking driveway. My fucking neighbors are going to kill me. But a quarter to six in the morning.

Yeah. It's the sound of my truck warming up. Then it stalls. It's me pumping the gas. You know, then I'm up the top of the fucking driveway. You know, they can look out the window with their noses all wrinkled up. It's going to be ugly. It's going to be ugly, but I got to use it.

I got to tell you something. There's nothing better than to have a classic car on a fucking Sunday driving it around out here in LA, you know, absolutely love it. Love it. And thanks to everybody who showed me where I could go buy some parts for it. I ordered everything I need. My side view mirrors coming in so I can stop looking over my right shoulder. Um, all right, this is the Monday morning podcast.

Everybody, um, welcome. Welcome. If you're new, I know I'm picking up like one or two listeners a week. And that's big for me because I like to grow things small and not that small and a very slow rate of speed. All right. I'm not trying to blow up. You know, like all these other people who are like, like fucking motivated.

It's not my style. I like where I'm at. I'm satisfied. Just like when I was in high school. I wasn't doing well. I wanted to get into a good college, but you know, I started flunking classes and I was just like, well, you know what, am I still eating every day? You know, do I have plenty of water?

Is there a roof over my head when it's raining out? I'm fine. Why do I need to pass these classes? You need two years of a language or no college is going to look at you. Really, lady with the really long dress. I'm still thinking of fucking you. You might as well dress like a whore, but that's another subject. As far as your two years of a language, I think as long as I have the money, I can do it.

Anybody in high school listening to this fucking thing, you don't need two years of a language to get in. What you need to do is either pass two years of a language and get in that way. And if you don't, then all you do is you just go to a community college for a couple years and you prove that you can work at a college level. Right? And then you just transfer in. You fucking parachute in like the way Clemens joined the fucking 1999 World Champion New York Yankees.

He just jumped right in. He parachuted right in right through the sunroof of the limo that they took the previous year when they won the championship. And then he won it. That's how you do your college career. Two years of a community college, you can get a fucking paper route and pay for that goddamn tuition. Right?

You save all that goddamn money. You would dumber girls so they're easier to bang. They got lower self-esteem. You know? Probably going to swallow. It's all in a brochure. And then right when you got that, you think that you can't wash the stink of the community college out of you.

You fucking, you apply to a real school. You apply to the school that you wanted to go to. You go out, you get some fucking loans, and then you're in there. And you fucking get the same degree as Susie Smartpants, who fucking learned how to sort of speak a language in this country that you don't need to speak another one in. Right? And then come graduation day, you're sitting right next to her half fucking price. Half price.

Half off. Half off a Notre Dame fucking education. I'll tell you, I want to talk about a disappointment. Go into the Notre Dame fucking campus. All those years when they showed the golden dome and Jesus standing there with his arms out like, Oh, are we going to score here? What? Right?

Touchdown Jesus and all the beautiful trees and the beautiful ladies and the autumn leaves and all that type of shit. You're like, oh my God, that's fucking gorgeous. That's where I wanted to go to school, you know? I already look like they're mascot, you know? I figured show up. They'd be like, oh my God, it's him and I get laid. You know, be like if you look like Elvis showed up at Graceland telling me somebody's not going to suck your dick. Have you got some sequins on the side of your slacks?

I mean, these are just theories people. So anyways, I finally went to the Notre Dame campus and it is absolutely beautiful, but the surrounding fucking area can be summed up in one word. Oh, Jesus Christ. I mean, you want to talk about a fucking reality show waiting to happen. The surrounding area, those are the people who were too dumb to be on some fucking Fitchin' for Clams reality show. You know what I mean? That should be the name of the reality show.

Too dumb to be on a tugboat. Whatever the fuck next job they're going to show me, the real tugboaters. You know, so there was a cruise liner coming in and we didn't have no tires on the side of the... What the fuck up? You know something? I would actually, you know, if I had to be on a boat, if I had to work on a boat, right? If I had to get my little... If I had to do it, there's no fucking way I'd work on a cruise ship because I don't like people, okay?

And at the top of the list of people that I don't like are fat people sunbathing. Okay, you should have shame. Put your fucking shirt on, okay? I'm going to look at that and bring you a slice of cake at the same time. There's no way I'm not getting fired. So cruise ships are out. The Navy, I'm not joining the Navy. There's no fucking way I'm joining the Navy unless I'm going to be a Navy SEAL and I'm too much of a pussy to do that.

All right? But I'm not joining the Navy. You know, see the world. What do I see? A bunch of fucking water, you know? Pull into port somewhere for fucking 20 minutes. I don't want to do that shit. I don't know, the Navy.

I always picture them just singing songs, mopping up the deck. Or you're in a fucking sub and that's even the worst. You know what I mean? I think I'd rather go to prison than be in a fucking goddamn sub under the water. Right? That's where the subs are, aren't they, Bill? Thank God you described where a sub is. There's no fucking way.

There is no good goddamn fucking way I could survive on the sub. You know? Those little doorways. All those douchebags. What can you do down there? You know, there's fucking guys underneath there for six months. At some point you just got to shoot off a torpedo just to do it, right? At a fucking whale shark or something.

Are they endangered? Do they still have periscopes on those things? What the fuck am I talking? So I couldn't do that job. I wouldn't go out and want to go fishing because I saw a perfect storm and I read the book. And that's my reality. Fucking George Clooney. Ship's going under and he pushes himself back into it as if the human body has the ability

to fucking override your brain going, I need some air. Mark Wahlberg was out. I like how they had that nice little moment where they were looking at each other and one of the worst storms ever. Underwater, in the dark, in salt water. No mask on. They actually shared a moment. You know? I didn't know what I'm talking about.

Oh, a tugboat. I could work on a tugboat. You know, you get one of those P-coats, P-coats, P-coats. And you start singing song. Oh, she was half a fish. How do you find the vagina? I can see your tits. What's up with fucking mermaids?

That's why I never stood up about mermaids. How do you get to the fucking pootie? You know, tits are right there. That's all you can do with a fucking mermaid. You just get tit fucker, you know, until they got dry. They'll let fucking dried out salt on the side of your dick. Probably sting after a while. You know?

And she's looking at you like, you know, I need to get back in the water because I'm starting to dry out. And you're like, yeah, I noticed. And I noticed with the chafing of either side of the shaft. This is one of the filthiest fucking podcasts I've ever done. And you know what? I don't give a shit because I have to be up in like fucking three hours. What are you doing tomorrow, Bill?

That you have to be up? Um, I got jury duty. I got jury duty. I don't have jury duty. I do have jury duty. I fucking blew it off. So next time I get pulled over, I think old Billy Boy's going to jail. You know, kill two birds with one stone.

You know? Do they arrest you? That's why, you know, I haven't got a jury duty. It's probably a stupid thing to admit right now, but I didn't. You know, I was trying to go. I just, I'm busy. I work for myself. What am I supposed to do?

I have to go to Albuquerque this weekend. What do you want from me? You know, there's 40 people in a strip mall that are depending on me to go there and talk about my dick. You know, I would love to sit here and, you know, listen to you make your points and then listen to that guy make his point. I would, you know, something I would, um, when I get old or I'm already old, when I get really old, you know, and I've just pushed everybody away in my life.

And it's just me and, you know, a couple pairs of socks and, you know, some old man underwear, you know, the one that has like that MC hammer crotch. So you can have your old man balls hanging down to your knees, right? And you do that little sideways shuffle to the, to the toilet, you know, the balls are just sitting there in the water. It's the only thing that lets you know you're still alive. You know, because every morning when your old balls hit that toilet water, um, I think what I would do for entertainment is I would go, I would just watch trials.

I've noticed that, you know, anytime I ever went to court, it was always old people just sitting there like knitting and shit. And it's like, is that the grandmother I never knew I had? And it's just like, is this, you know, is this bitch just sitting here like watching me go to fucking, you know, or one of my friends going to trial here. And this is just like entertainment for you. And I used to think it was really a fucking asshole thing to do, but I got to admit, that could be fun.

You're not required to be there. I would go to the sickest fucking trials, you know, murder trials. I wouldn't go to child molester trials. There's no fuck. Actually, no murder because then they're going to go through it. None. I will drug dealer. I go drug dealer, auto theft shop lifters.

That's what I'd like to see some chick who fucking went in with this oversized purse and tried to steal a chandelier or something. I'd sit it on those things. I don't even know what the fuck I'm saying. You guys want to hear a commercial? Wouldn't that be neat? What if I sing at this? Oh Christ, I got to fucking put my goddamn password in.

Unbelievable. Can somebody please tell me where I go on this stupid fucking thing to change it? Oh my God, you go into settings and then you hit the fucking Apple key card. Go fuck yourself. Where are we? I fucking hate computers. You know what I hate about computers? Some of the dumbest people I know on the planet are really good at them.

You know, it's like golf. I was talking about that last week. The amount of people I know that suck at all real sports and then they get out on the course. They can hit it straight. You know why? Because nobody's trying to stop. All right. Here we go.

What do we got here? Stamps.com everybody. Attach copy. Where the hell is it? Stamps.com everybody. I've been talking about this for weeks. This has been the runaway hit as far as advertising goes on my podcast. Everybody's getting into this.

Don't be the last person to still be going to the post office because you'll be like me. I still have a fax machine. Do you understand that people? I still fax things. I bought one in 1999. It's a Panasonic and I stand by it. That's me faxing. Anyways, stamps.com.

All right. This is the deal. All right. We're all busy. Even if you're an absolute loser, you're busy nowadays. Have you noticed that? I don't have a frigging day job. And for some reason, all goddamn day, I have stuff to do.

I don't have time to go to the post office. Wouldn't it be wonderful? If somehow the post office was in my house. Well, thanks to stats.com. This is the deal. It's important to look professional to your clients. You don't look unprofessional. You want to look professional to your clients, your customers, and your partners.

You want to come off like you know what you're doing. That's what they're saying with this copy. Placing regular stamps on your letters and packages, that won't do the trick. All right. You're going to look like some eight-year-old. You know, your little butterfly stamps or your have a nice day stamps. You want professional, professional-looking, metered stamps. All right.

If you want to take your business to the next level, or if you want to intimidate your grandmother when you send back her sweater. All right. Take my advice. Use stamps.com instead. This is the deal. You can buy and print official U.S. postage using your own computer or someone else's if they're generous, but your own computer and your printer. You print professional-looking postage directly onto envelopes, labels, even paper.

Plus stamps.com will give you a digital scale. My personal favorite. I love the scale. You know what I mean? I feel like I'm doing something illegal, but I'm not. You know, it's safe. Basically, you can get exact postage for any letter or package, the instant you need it, and I can back that up because I'm sending all my DVDs out.

Stick it on a little scale. It prints it out. I got my little visor. It's phenomenal. Endorsement. Here we go. Part two. I highly recommend stamps.com.

Actually, I do. It's easy to use. It's convenient, and you can start it right now. If you go to stamps.com, they have a special offer for my listeners. You use my last name, Burr. B-U-R-R for a no-risk trial plus $110 bonus offer, which includes that digital scale that I'm so fond of, and $55 in free postage. You can't lose.

Go now. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage. You type in Burr. B-U-R-R. That's stamps.com. Enter Burr. B-U-R-R.

You get $55 of free postage and $110 in a digital scale. That's what you do. All right? And now, look at this. We're back to the podcast. Thanks, by the way, for everybody who's been taking advantage of stamps.com. They've been very happy with you guys doing that stuff. All right?

Can you tell I'm trying to search for something while I'm talking to you? I'm trying to compliment you as I'm doing this. All right. Getting over abroad. What do you got here? 28 minutes in. All right. We're flying.

We're flying now. Getting over abroad. Howdy, Bill. Go fuck yourself. All right. I broke up with my girlfriend several months ago, and I'm having trouble getting over her. We broke up because I had to move for school. I swore to myself I would stop contacting her because I was becoming psychotic and jealous,

and I did. I'm still finding myself thinking about her all the time. All of the girls in my new town are horrific monsters. They aren't white trash, ugly cunts. They are super hot, but brain dead and boring and way out of my league. Dude, how is somebody brain dead and boring out of your league? What, because they're super hot? Just walk up to her.

What is she going to say? All she's going to do is say no. I'm not saying she's going to say no every time, but you got to listen. Listen, let me tell you something. Do you want a fucking beautiful girl? Do you want to marry a fucking beautiful woman? A beautiful, smart woman. Isn't that what every guy wants to do?

Well, you're not going to do it if you're too afraid to talk to them. All right. Why don't you practice on a brain dead stupid one? So someday when that girl walks in and takes your breath away, you're going to have the fucking bulls over there to walk up, you know, say something witty while you got your hand on a cliff. No, don't do that. You don't do that.

Okay, don't do that. You know what I'm saying. All right. Anyways, my ex-girlfriend was smart, hot, funny, cool, and was really into me. I tried getting over her by banging other chicks, but it doesn't work. It just leaves them broken-hearted and makes me feel worse. Well, wait a minute. How are they broken-hearted after you just banged them?

That means you bang them for a couple of weeks and then tell them to fuck off. Don't do that. You should just be, you know, stick and move. All right. Anyways, he says, I can't seem to find anyone that can measure up to my ex. Need more solutions. All right. Well, you know, when you break up with somebody that you care about

and they have all those good attributes, it's going to be a while before you meet another one. All right. So you just got to go through it, dude. If you don't want to get back together with the other girl, you know, then what you got to do is you got to learn to be fucking single again. You got to remember, what did I do before I met that last girl? What did I do?

Oh, well, let's see. I had beers. I fucking worked out. I watched football or whatever the fuck you did. I went to one of the, I went to the Hunger Games. I read that trilogy of books or whatever the fuck that is. You know, it hurts. Okay.

Breaking up with somebody who's awesome, but it's just not right or whatever. It hurts. So accept it. All right. Platoon, take the pain. You know, why don't you sit down and have a good cry? Just fucking cry it out of you. Every day.

Just wake up. Think about it. Let when your bottom lip starts quivering, don't stop it. Just give into it. That's what kills guys. We don't cry. Just fucking cry. Just fucking cry.

Put your face in your pillow and cry like a little fucking girl. I shouldn't have said girl. Just fucking cry like a human being. Why do we deny that emotion as men? Just let it out. All right. Then wake up. You know, once you're done crying.

Go in the bathroom, put your face on. Go get yourself a bowl of fruit loops. Just, you know, after you're done, I'm going to get through this. You hype yourself up. Have a good day today. Go hit on some fucking hot, brain dead, boring fucking broad. It's just as practice. Just as practice.

Okay. You're going to find another one. You sound like you're still young. It's not like you're 50. Even then at 50, I swear to God, if you're making money, you can probably still get like a hot 34 year old. You know, I wouldn't go any younger than that. You know, because you got to think by the time you're 60, she's going to be 44.

She could still hang in there for that. You know, and all you got to do is just keep fucking spinning around in the bedroom for another five years and then she's too old to give a fuck. And then you got her and she'll be patting, patting your fucking rubbing your forehead as you're laying there in your deathbed. You know, telling you that you did the right thing. You're going any younger than that. They have options and they'll leave you.

All right. So getting over abroad. That's what you got to do. You got to cry it out of you and you just got to accept that it's going to hurt and it takes time. Okay. But, you know, don't run back to the other one just because you're lonely. All right.

Because then you're going to have to fuck. You got to break up with them again. You know, it's like fucking Iraq. We just did it right the first time. Wouldn't have to go back the second time, you know, didn't make any sense. All right. Next one. Bill, get a gun.

Look, buddy. Look, buddy. It's simple. Get a gun. I'm totally, I'm totally going to be like stereotypical here. When I finished, when I first started banging my lady, I'd stay over her place almost every night. She was still finishing up her divorce and the ex was still in dick mode.

Jesus Christ. I remember one night's last morning she woke me up saying she heard something downstairs. She insisted I go down and look. I'd stayed silent pretending I was just waiting to hear it. Really. I was shitting myself on the inside. Of course you were. Nobody wants to go down there and figure out who the fuck it is.

All she had was a pen. Wait. All she had was a pen that I thought I could Nicholas Cage into a neck if I had to. But naked. But naked. I'm walking around scared as hell. Pen in hand. Come up empty and soon enough.

Wait. Came up empty so evidently you didn't find anybody and soon enough bought a Taurus PT 140 pro. It's a sidearm. I shot once and keeping an arm's reach of my bed. I'll tell you what, Mr. Burr. I sleep like a baby and I'm relaxed and relaxed knowing it's there. Plus it makes you feel like a man. Maybe if you start pack packing heat, you'll get off.

You period your period and quit bitching about how bad your podcast sucks. One more thing. Who is the greatest American band? Creedence Clearwater Revival. First of all, dude, you fucking you went out and got a gun. You shot it once and then that's it. You don't want to get good at it. Actually went shooting this week.

I went to the gun range everybody. I shot a five shot 38 and I shot a nine millimeter and I got to tell you something. It was fucking terrifying at first and then quickly became awesome and I enjoyed the entire process. I enjoyed loading it. I enjoyed shooting it. The skill of trying to hit the target on the, you know, taking the shells out of the five shot and, you know, they let me clean it. I would have loved it.

I was like fucking private pile and full metal jacket by the end of it fucking looking down up through my eyebrows. I completely enjoyed it. But you don't sound like you respect it, sir. You sound like the kind of guy who shouldn't have a gun. If you ask me, you shot it once and I keep it in arm reach of your bed and now you fucking sleep like a baby. Because I know it's day and I'll just fucking waving around. Then you got to, you got to watch out with a gun is it's an instant black belt. That's the thing and you didn't go through the discipline of it.

So you got to respect the fact that you could fucking kill somebody. I know the guy right. I'm just saying this right now. So this guy can fucking go to the gun range tomorrow and put like a red wig on his targets and start fucking shooting at it. That's the thing about the gun. It's this amazing power when you have it. It's amazing power that you have to fucking. I don't know.

That's what I felt when I had it. I was just like, you have this thing. You have the ability to take a fucking life and it was like really like, you know, I didn't get this psycho charge from it. I felt like this ridiculous level of responsibility. Like I was holding a baby near an alligator or some shit that makes any fucking sense. It's the people who fucking get those gifts. You know what it's like people who get pit bulls and they treat them nice and then other people who get pit bulls. And they try to make turn the dog into the badass they never were.

You know what I mean? You're kind of coming off like that. Why the fuck would you only shoot at once? And then you keep it loaded by the side of your bed. You know, I got like three or four different contacts and I'm going to who like serious gun safety courses that I'm going to take and whatever gun I get. I'm going to know how to fucking take that thing apart. Put it back together. Everything about it.

Go to the gun range a zillion times. So I'm proficient with the fucking weapon. And then, you know, keep it in a safe goddamn place where no one can get hurt with it. And if somebody fucks with me, I can instantly get it. You know, that's my deal. I'm not going to shoot it once and then keep it by my bed. I fucking feel safe now, man. Why don't you get off your period?

Why is that what you talking all tough now? Because you got your gun? How come you didn't talk shit about my podcast before? What? Because you were unarmed? Huh? I'm going to push this guy over the edge. Anyways, he says who's your who's the is the greatest American band? Fucking Aerosmith.

Credence Clearwater Revival. You don't think all their songs sound the same? Boom. When I was just a little boy. Something about a swamp. Even though we're all from Sacramento. The shit don't make no sense. Oh, Susie Q.

Actually, like Credence Clearwater Revival. But my brother, when I was a kid, he bought like the fucking eight cassette greatest hits thing that I'm sure their manager put out. Remember that song? He put that shit out. I'm sure he got all the fucking money. And my brother listened to those things over and over and over and over again. And it got to the point.

I fucking, I hated the band. But it's been 20 years since I've listened to him. And every once in a while I hear when I'm starting to like him again. It's kind of like Led Zeppelin. Led Zeppelin, I listened to every, you know, how overplayed stairway to heaven is. I did that to every one of their songs. And yeah, it became like when I started hearing Led Zeppelin. It was like, you know that moment in Clockwork Orange when they're holding his fucking eyes open

and he starts to get sick when he sees violence. Like I would get like nauseous when I heard him. I would say Aerosmith. You know? Is that right? I don't know. I'm fucking old. I like Aerosmith.

I've been making fucking albums for what, 40 goddamn years? Doesn't that count for something? CCR. 737 coming out of the sky. You know, they're really from Sacramento. How come they never said Hella in any of their songs? Anybody tell me that? Anybody explain that to me?

What the fuck am I talking about? All right, let's get to some more advertising here, people. We're going to Gamefly right now. Gamefly.com, everybody. Do you play video games? Sure, we all do. You know what would be awesome? What if you got a 15-day free trial and you get 8,000 video games delivered to your home or straight to your PC?

Wouldn't that be awesome? Just go to Gamefly.com slash burr. 15 days for free. 8,000 games at your fingertips. Either delivered to your door or straight to your damn PC. You can't do any better than that. All right, so there's your fix if you got video games. Thanks to the Monday Morning Podcast.

Look at me. You got a post office in your house. You got 8,000 games now, right? You go to SkateFenders.com. You're protecting your feet. And I don't know what else I got to do for you, people. This guy's still fucking bitching at me. Old tough guy there with his fucking gun.

Ooh, I got a gun now. Now I'm going to talk shit, you know? Fucking asshole. They should give me a BB gun. All right. Overrated, underrated for this week. Underrated. Tea tops on a Pontiac Firebird.

Oh, Jesus. It's my childhood right there because nothing beats getting... Can you guys proofread your shit? Oh, getting dome. Okay, because I'm sorry. This one's on me. Because nothing beats getting dome in your parked car while you get to look at the stars. He says it's one of the most awesome things you'll get to experience.

Wow, dude. You know what? You just painted a picture. I think I got to add that to my bucket list. And you know what, too? You can't be like just on the street. You can't hear the sound of the street. You've got to go someplace secluded, right?

On a fucking moonlit night. Have some chick blow. You know, she'd probably actually think that that was romantic. You're only missing in that whole thing as a unicorn. All right. Overrated. Imports. Imports.

I'm referring to all the Japanese burners you see on the streets. The Honda Civics, the Acura Integra's, the Nissan 240SX. Everybody thinks they're the shit. And they want to race them when in reality they wouldn't stand a chance against good old American muscle. What are your thoughts? I don't know that I know enough about racing. Does Honda do all right in Formula One? I know it's all German, right?

Mercedes and obviously Ferrari does great. Well, this is the deal. When I think of high speed performance, I think of Porsche. Porsche is however the fuck you're supposed to say it. Lamborghini is all the Italian and German shit. That's what I think about Maserati's, you know? And when I think of, you want to fucking line them up? You want to race, man?

You want to go fucking? You want to get sunk into your seat and go on a straight line as fast as you can fucking can? Then I think American cars. You know what I mean? Who's kidding who? Our cars can't corner. Not because we're stupid. It's just we don't need to corner because we have land over here.

We're not like those fucking countries and over in Europe where they just, everyone's the size of fucking Rhode Island. So there's a lot of turns and, you know, and not to mention they made the fucking roads, you know, back when they were fucking bringing oxen to town and shit. Hairpin fucking turns. You watch the Tour de France as fucking guys in the bicycles. They can't even make the fucking turns over there. So because of that, because of that handicap, I think that they actually make,

they make better cars than us. But as far as the Japanese stuff, I think the Japanese, you know, I don't have an original opinion about it, but I think they took what we were doing. You know, we took a lot from the Europeans and then they took what we were doing and they just improved it. I'll stop rolling your fucking eyes. You know what I'm talking about? If you change the oil on a Toyota or a Honda, that fucking every two,

three thousand miles, that fucking thing is going to, it's going to, you get 800,000 miles out of it. All right. And I know American cars have made a comeback, but you got to understand, I am a scarred child of the 80s. And in the fucking late 70s, right through the 80s, they made American cars. There was a corporate decision. They made them so they would self-destruct 60 to 80,000 miles in.

You know, I'm telling you, they just the fucking transmission would drop out and it was done on purpose. Terrible. And I still think that the American auto industry is trying to recover from that, despite the fact that they now have 10 year, 100,000 mile warranties. I don't know. That's, that, that's my fucking thoughts. All right.

I like, I like some of the Japanese stuff. You know, this is, I mean, I got a fucking Toyota Prius. I love that goddamn car. I love it. I don't care that people call me a fag when I'm driving it. You know, I'm still comfortable with me. Went to the fucking, I filled it up with gas today. 35 bucks.

Go fuck yourself. All right. Go fuck yourself. Also filled up my truck and that cost me 65 for three quarters of a tank. Anyways, underrated, going to a hockey game early and watching warm-ups. There's no one around you. You will, there's no one around you with dumb foam fingers or micro web drink, micro brew drinking brothers.

I can't even fucking read this week. Plus you can watch all the players fuck off and try cool shit all the while trying to snipe on the backup goalie. That's actually true. You guys been watching the NHL playoffs playoffs? I've been watching the Bruins capitals. That's like a great pitchers duel, except it's the goalies. Both games have gone into overtime, but I've also been watching the flyers versus the penguins.

And I have a weird sports relationship with both of those teams in Pittsburgh. I like the penguins fans. I hate their fucking team. I ate them. All right. Like, I think the Rangers coach summed them up and shouldn't have been fined. He should have been given an award. All right.

They're a fucking filthy goddamn team and anybody does anything to them. They fucking bitch moan and complain. You saw what the fuck they did today. I thought it was the filthy flyers. Look at the penguins getting all mad down three games to none. They start fucking cross checking people in their throats. Right. Fucking doing all kinds of reprehensible shit.

I don't, you know, I totally respect that franchise because they their ability to go from, you know, Mario Lemieux and Yarmira Yager and within 20 years to have another one, two punch Crosby and Malkin is just, you know, and Jordan Stahl. I mean, they're fucking, they're the shit. Tremendous fucking franchise. But I don't, I don't like, you know, I don't know. They always seem to have those guys that really like to go after people's fucking knees. You know, then you got a fucking Paulie Pouty lips there bitch moaning and complaining.

You see him trying to fight, not throwing a punch, not throwing a punch, not throwing a punch. Then he comes to ref, then he starts throwing a fucking punch. And then at the end of the game, when there's no ref around, the guy wanted to go. He wouldn't go. What the fuck? Either fight or don't run your yep. All right. And then the flyers.

I love the flyers, but I hate their fucking fans. I don't like their fans. I don't, I don't like their fans. I told you the deal. I went to a Bruins game with my mother up in Boston. There was flyer fans behind me and they were crass and they ruined it. My mother was there and it was just fucking, they just assholes. They're fucking assholes, but I love that team.

So I've been watching that series and it's, it's just been fucking, I don't know. I know it's been difficult, but what do you, what do the flyer fans think? What do you guys think you think this is a year you're going to win your cup? Anyone I think your weakness is? I think it's your fucking goalie with his weird colored pads. I know you're up three games to none against the penguins, but have you noticed that your goalie has given up 12 goals in three games? That's not a good, that's not a good thing. Averaging giving up four goals a game.

You know, if the fucking penguins goalie wasn't, I don't know what the fuck he looks like he's playing twister. Every time they come down, he's fucking got his, he's on all fours with his arms crossed. I don't even know what the fuck he's doing. There's the puck. He's like trying to, like she's paying like whack-a-mole with the goddamn puck. Um, and I'm watching, I'm missing it right now. I'm watching the Kings Vancouver, which was zero, zero when I came downstairs. Lovin' the Kings.

Lovin' the Kings beatin' the Vancouver Canucks. Lovin' them. You know, it's another team flopping all over the goddamn ice. Jesus Christ, if any NHL player listens to this shit, I swear to God, they're either gonna hug me or fucking punch me in the face, depending, depending on who you play for. This is what I, if the Bruins don't win it, uh, who would I like to see? I would say the L.A. Kings, but I just know some L.A. Kings fans are also Laker fans, and I wish them no happiness whatsoever. So it would be hard, even though I like the Kings. Um, I think I, I think I'd have to say the, uh, I like the St. Louis Blues, just cause they've never won a fucking Stanley Cup.

They almost had the President's Trophy, but I mean, I just, I just like, they, uh, I went to, I went to a game when I was in St. Louis, and they have real, they got real fans, old school hardcore fucking fans. I like a lot of those teams in the Norse, even though they're the old, the old Norse. It's weird. I like, I like St. Louis and I like Chicago, which I know is sacrilegious if you live in either one of those cities, but I just like both teams. Um, there, I fucking said it, and I used to like Vancouver until last year when we played them in the finals, and they were just, uh, you know, flip flopping all over the fucking ice. You know, the Europe, you know, but that's, that's called a sport over in Europe. It's called a beautiful game. You know, when you, I don't know, you, you cheat in an effeminate manner. You know, that's what you guys are bringing to the table.

I mean, I'll admit that we're fat and stupid over here. We don't read. Can you guys at least admit that you're fucking a bunch of flopping bitches over there? Um, no, Jesus is another fucking place. I don't have to watch my back overrated China. China is overrated. All right. I spent last summer. Dude, if it wasn't for China, I wouldn't be able to fucking look at this laptop right now. Isn't that what they make them? I don't know. I just like bitching about shit and not really finding out what's going on. 51 minutes in, baby. I spent last summer in China studying law and staring at the top of blackheads from my sixth review point.

The Chinese are an incredibly diverse culture in all that when compared to us Americans, but many, if not all, am I going to start reading some racist shit? This already, okay. Let's just go slow here. Chinese are an incredibly diverse culture in all that when compared to us Americans. Doesn't that just sound like the opening of something racist? You know, they're really diverse and all that stuff and junk and all that stuff. But, you know, but many, if not all of those differences are precisely what makes America...what? But many, if not all of those differences are precisely what makes America so, for lack of a better word. Oh, so bad friggin' ass.

Chinese are an incredibly diverse culture. I can't even know what the fuck he's saying. You just said that they're a diverse culture in all that when compared to us and then you started saying that now what? We're diverse? I don't understand what you're saying here. He said their food, I guess Chinese food, could not be anything close to what any sensible human being could call decent. You don't get, I don't know what the word is, pee-way or none of that in China. You get some nasty noodles or even the nice restaurants paired up with the whole fish, eyes and all. And mind you, this is breakfast, lunch and dinner we're talking. I won't even go into the dog issue. See attached photo.

What? I'm not looking at the attached photo. What do you got a dog hanging from a fucking hook in a window? Anyways. When I got back to the States, the first place I went was in and out for a six by six. Not kidding, I didn't know what that means. And I nearly chocked it up and snorted it. Oh, chopped it up and snorted it. You wrote chocked. Noodles will never be the same.

For that, fuck you, China. Come on, dude, I don't want to be trash in China like this. The cities are filthy, Beijing. Alright, he didn't have a good time over there. Most important, the people are a-holes, not all of them, maybe not. Did I call it or what? The government doesn't give a flying fuck about them so they figure, hey, why not be an asshole, right? Is this what they said to you or this is what you sort of...

I mean, to say that their government doesn't give a fuck about them is really just sort of, you're kind of skimming the surface there. Aren't they underneath an oppressive, what do you call it, regime over there? They have that weird thing where they have all this technology and iPhones and iPads. I mean, shit, they build them, right? The cell phones are actually better than ours, yet if you say anything about their furor, it doesn't like they run over you with a tank. Sorry, I'm just piecing together clips I've seen in CNN for the last 20 fucking years. I don't know, so he tells me some story.

Oh, he's saying, Barry Sanders couldn't get through a crowd without getting bruised up, without getting a bruise ribbed. I'm on a packed subway one night and this fucker behind me is digging his scrawny little elbow into my kidneys. I'm ready to turn around and rabbit punch the cocksucker. When I get off and I finally get room to take a full breath and actually turn around, it's this little friggin' old lady with a shitty grin on her face. I was so close, Bill. Yeah, you know, so I was getting on a flight one time and somebody was elbowing me in the back and I turned around and it was, I believe, a little Chinese woman.

But you gotta understand, it's so jam-packed over there, that's just part of their culture. They're not being dicks. That's just like them beeping a horn, I think. So yeah, don't punch an old lady in the face. Oh wait, underrated. Manners. Now that I'm talking about Buffy and banging at the country, not that I'm talking about Buffy and Bangans at the country club type shit,

I'm talking about the friendly pardon means, excuse me, oops, my bad, etc. There's none of that shit. Maybe I was unlucky or the fact that I'm a huge American guy, they treated me particularly awful. But at the end of the day, I was so aggravated by the repeated nudges, spitting in my path, burping within a few feet of me, that I took everything from me not to pounce it at least on one person daily. Yeah, dude, I mean, you're dealing with a different culture over there. I mean, there's six fucking billion, seven billion people on the planet,

and I think like they have over a billion of them there. So, I don't know, I think you just sort of missed America. You know, we all got our shit. There's good stuff and bad stuff. I don't want to be trash in China, okay? Alright, I already feel guilty enough that I bought this goddamn laptop, even though I knew what the fuck those people are going through over there to put them together. You know?

Are you guys honestly telling me that's the only way that they can keep this thing, you know, for the price that it is? Can't like the CEOs make a little bit less money when you get to that level? You know what I love about the sociopaths in the corporate world? They always just have, well, I mean, you know, the price is what the market will bear. The market will bear it. You know, and just completely removing themselves. I don't know, I have such fucking hatred for that.

And all the way the other side. You know, Nia was making dinner tonight, right? Because she's a fucking angel. Absolute angel, right? She's making me this awesome meal and she needed this right. So, she goes, can you go to Trader Joe's? Can you go to Trader Joe's and get some jasmine rice? And I'm like, apps are fucking loopy, right?

So, I jump in the Prius and I drive over to fucking Trader Joe's, okay? And I got out and I got to tell you something, man. Maybe because it was, I don't know, the level of douchebag in a Trader Joe's, like if you ever just wanted to rid the world of douchebags, yeah, I would start at Trader Joe's. You know what, maybe it's just an LA thing. I went in there and just every fucking, you know what it looked like?

It looked like a bunch of rich kids trying to dress like they were poor. Every one of them was just fucking annoying with their ridiculously on purpose, ugly way of dressing. Just each one of them just trying to be more and more out of style. Hey man, I don't even know what's instead, whole fucking hipster thing. Awful. You know?

Thank God I showed up. Look how like I'm not a douchebag. You know? I think that they look at me just the way I dress. Like they think I'm some frat boy date rapist. You know? Just because I have, I look like I could actually catch a ball. I don't know.

I don't know. Look at me trying to paint myself like I'm the badass at the Trader Joe's. You know what? I think I've had about enough of this podcast for her this week. I have an early call time tomorrow, everybody. Alright, so what do I say now? What do I say now? Oh, Amazon.com, everyone.

Um, you want to donate to the podcast and support the troops? Here's how you can do it. Alright? Anytime you're going to Amazon.com, rather than just going directly to Amazon.com, you know, just swing by BillBurr.com, click on the podcast page, and then click on the Amazon banner on the right hand side of the podcast page.

And I know what you're thinking. Well, Jesus, Bill, that's fucking two extra steps. Well, you know what? It is two extra steps. But listen to what you'll be doing. You'll go to Amazon.com. You don't have to do anything else. If you buy something, not saying you have to,

but if you do, I get a kickback on that. And then I take 10% of the kickback and I give it to the troops. What do you think about that? So you can fucking support my podcast and the troops, the wounded warriors project all at the same time. Don't you think that's worth two extra steps? Come on. You know you did something bad this week.

We all did. Don't you need a little bit of good karma? You know, just something. Some day after you die and you're standing there in front of, oh, Jesus, isn't his dad? And you'd be like, well, hey, you know, I went to BillBurr's podcast and, you know, actually don't say my name.

That's probably not a good thing to do up there. You know, I fucking donated to the wounded warriors project. You know, all right, that's it. I've had enough. Have you had enough? I hope you enjoyed this podcast as much as I did. I had a really good time. I enjoyed myself.

You know what? It turned me on. I got a wah wah pedal. I am so close to a level of fucking awful on the guitar. You know, you know what I'm saying? You have to be like a certain level of awful. You just can't be completely fucking awful where it just makes somebody turn their head.

I'm at a level. I'm almost at that level where it's actually listenable and it'll be hilarious. So if you guys egg me on, I'm learning how to solo in A, in A minor. All right, I'll fuck around with my wah wah pedal. Maybe sing you some tunes. Huh?

Will that fill up your fucking days? While you're waiting for somebody to change your life, for the love of your life to walk in through the door, right? If you're sitting there going, oh, I don't know who to talk to. This is what I want you to do. You want to be great for all of your souls today. Why don't you get up, put your head like halfway

over your fucking cubicle wall, never sitting next to you. Just go, hey, hey, when they look at you, be like, just fucking give them the finger, fuck you. What was that for? You know, because every time I look at you, you remind me of what I've also accepted. What does that mean? You know what the fuck it means?

Having an office with walls that don't reach the ceiling without a fucking door. You know what I'm talking about, right? You lock in with her. You speak passionately. Next thing you know, next thing you know, you're banging her. Maybe you act like you're working late and you go in and you fucking fornicate

right on your boss's desk, not realizing that he has 24-hour security and it's being recorded by some fucking fat fuck who's supposed to be a security guard. And rather than going in there and stopping it, he decides to record it so he can put it on his YouTube page and maybe get some hits. Maybe you can talk about it loudly in a bar

and be like, oh, I was the guy who uploaded it, you know? And then some pathetic girl whose dad took off when she was three years old. We'll overhear that and actually blow that guy. See that? It's called the Winds of Change right there. When a butterfly flaps, it's fucking wings. Oh, Jesus, what am I talking about?

All right, that's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. And I mean that, too, from the bottom of my heart. Each and every one of you can go fuck yourselves this week and don't take any shit. And just this week, well, you know what you do? Why don't you guys start sabotaging those cubicle fucking walls? Just every week, just take one screw out, you know?

What you do is start far away from your cubicle at first so no one suspects you. And then once they start getting wise, take one out near you. Because why would you do that, right? It's your cubicle. Why would you leave that evidence right near you? You're like Sharon Stone, you know? Then you wear Larry Bird shorts with no underwear underneath it.

Then you uncross and then cross your legs, flashing a little ball bag when they interrogate you. And that's how you get out of it. That's how she did it, right? In the end, she still had the ice pick under the bed. All right, that's it. I got nothing else. Hey, you.

Fucking April 27th. I'm gonna be at Concord College in Concord, New Hampshire. And unlike most of the college gigs I do, this one is actually open to the public. So if you were too stupid to get in that school, you know, and you fucking plow the streets and get hammered afterwards, wearing your high school football jacket, you always wondered what fucking college was like.

Why don't you come on down to Concord College in Concord, New Hampshire on fucking April 27th. And I will be there telling my jokes. All right. Have a good day. Thank you.