Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-16-18

Episode Date: April 16, 2018

Bill rambles about taxes, Syria and not being a rat.

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How's it going, man, dude? Dude! You're on the other side of it, huh? You paid your taxes You know? Hey, take more than I make Who the fuck am I? I just did the fucking job

Let me give it to you, you rich cunt What? Are you gonna spend it on you habidash and douchebag? That's what, you know something? That's what really gets my freckled fucking goat about paying taxes I got no problem giving these fucking douchebags the money I get it Being a citizen of a country, it's like having a membership

All right? You want those fucking potholes filled? Yeah, you want pens and pencils down at the fucking school? You want the red light and then the green light and then the light bulbs changed? You gotta pay your fucking taxes So I don't have a problem with it The problem I have, though, is when they get more than I get And I did the fucking job

How did you make more of my gig than I did? And I was the guy up there fucking, you know, dancing around You don't go down to one knee in the end like fucking Elvis I'm wrapping up singing, his truth is marching on I don't get that part I mean, I do get it I do understand that, you know, we have a lot of expenses in this country We got a lot of expenses, you know what I mean?

We got a 15-year road trip that we're still paying for, right? Going on 16 years? 16 years, a 16-year fucking road trip I'll tell you what, freak me out I did the rough and rowdy, which was the fucking, one of the great experiences I've had Since getting into the business of show But in the middle of it Dan Big Cat Cats looked at me and said, we just bombed Syria

And my first thought was not like, oh my god, we're at war Because that's been the natural state for the better part of two fucking decades My first fucking thought was, how the fuck are we going to afford that? We're going to start another war? And how are we going to pay for this, right? This is like when you're watching your friend at the blackjack table going, dude You got rent to pay Come on, it's over, cards are cold

Let's go back to the room there You know, someday you want to buy a house But fortunately, I guess we didn't start a war, this was more like a drive-by You know, we did a drive-by with France, as far as I can tell Because, you know, before I get in over my head, which I think I already am I mean, is there anything better than listening to somebody discuss foreign policy Who doesn't even have the decency to watch the news Whatever the fucking news is now

You know, I was reading this article in Rolling Stone Oh, I read a little bit this week, believe it or not I read this article in Rolling Stone about Facebook and the influence that it had on news Like inadvertently and all this shit And how they allegedly have, like when you click on an advertisement on Facebook Like they turn some fucking camera on and they take a picture of your face And they try to read the expression of your face And try to gauge the level of joy that you have to determine which ads you're going to see

And the only thing creepier than that to me is people like Dude, what do I care, you know, if they're going to figure out like what I want to buy Just as a fucking like human being that doesn't freak you out that's somewhere You know, I know they're not sitting there looking at it, it's some fucking computer Dude, it's a computer, it's not a person, it's an algorithm dude I don't know, I just don't see any of this going anywhere good Alright, and then they're going to like in this fucking unbelievably efficient way Get you to buy something else that you don't need

So then you got to throw something else out in your house that then ends up in that swirl of fucking trash And it's just like it just doesn't, it doesn't need to happen So I say that as I just clicked on something the other day about ready to buy yet another snare drum And I'm not even in a band, I don't have any recording sessions coming up I just, I don't know, I've been trying to walk away from it but I keep thinking about this snare drum And I don't know, I think I'm part of the problem Well I can't remember what the fuck I was going to look up, oh why, why did we bomb Syria? This is how I learned about us, okay and I'm going to click on the first thing

The U.S. bomb to punish it for a chemical attack, that's what I thought U.S. bombing Syria in Russia's response You know, Russia is in America, we act like we used to date, you know what I mean? So then we had a bad breakup, so no matter what anybody, no matter what they do, we're like, oh you like that And then they do the same thing, oh my god, he's so stupid, I can't believe I wasted time getting to know that person during World War II The United States along with Britain, oh Britain was there too, Jolly Good Show And France bombed Syria, does anybody in England ever say Jolly Good Show? I've been to France like two or three times and I've never heard anybody go, whoa, whoa, whoa

Alright, bombed Syria on Friday night Friday night, you know, let's kick the weekend off right, that's bombed Syria Decision to strike came one week after Syrian President Bashar al-Assad That's like a fucking number one draft pick name, like a wide receiver except for the first name, you know? Like Tayshon al-Assad, dude the guy ran like a fucking 4-1-40, we just signed him, I'm telling you right now He's gonna get at least 1500 fucking yads this season Alright, use chemical weapons against civilians outside of Damascus, I believe that's the capital Killing at least 42 adults and children

After that attack, President Donald Trump promised to exact a big price on the Assad regime The U.S. and its allies deliberated a response over the following week What are we gonna do? Are we gonna, you want a fire bomb? Economic sanctions, what do you say, three to seven missiles maybe? Including one on the outskirts, okay, and then on Friday night the country's hit three targets Including one on the outskirts of Damascus all related to Syria's chemical weapons program A research center, a storage facility and an equipment facility and command post Wait, they said we hit three targets, they just listed three

A four, I mean, research center, a storage facility and an equipment facility and command post Oh, I don't fucking know, the map of Syria shows the targets hit on Friday The strikes hit at the very hat of Syria's chemical weapons program and dealt a serious blow Alright, that's fucking weird, man So we did that, and okay, and I guess that makes the world safer Somehow, I have no fucking idea, I don't understand how it gets, but here's my question Alright, because God knows I don't fucking pay attention What if Syria somehow poisoned our food supply or cooked our economy?

You know, what the fuck were we doing, or started a heroin epidemic, what in this country, what would we do to them? Why don't they do a drive-by on some of these fucking assholes who are allegedly American, they are American citizens, what the fuck they're doing here? Is that ever gonna happen? Fuck no, because those cunts donate to the politicians campaign funds, so everything they do, it's like it never happened And then they also advertise on these so-called news networks, so they never talk about this shit, right? But if all freckles goes down and tells the wrong me-to joke, all of a sudden I get in trouble This is the world we're living in I'm gonna keep asking questions, my voice will keep going up higher

You know what's serious biggest problem is, it's not that they use chemical weapons, it's that they didn't buy advertising on CNN and Fox before they did it And donated to the standing president, be he a Democrat or a Republican And I am saying he, because there's never been a who man as president You know, and I'll tell you right now, as long as they keep bringing women around like fucking Hillary Clinton, I don't think it's ever gonna happen Okay, you gotta have some level of warmth to you You can't come out there with an Al Gore's smile with the fucking, with the Mike Dukakis look on your face, thinking that you're actually gonna win it It has nothing to do with your policy Alright, you gotta come out there, you gotta look relaxed, you know?

You gotta, you gotta, you gotta, you look like you're comfortable You can't look like you're in way over your fucking head You know, having that look on your face like, do they like me? Do they really like me? I don't think there was anything more... Donald Trump's scowl was as terrifying as Hillary Clinton's that maniacal fucking smile It was just like, I can't imagine, just imagine Imagine you're hanging out with Hillary Clinton and you tell a joke and then she smiles the way she fucking smiled You would just be like, oh my god, I think this person's gonna bury an ice pick into the side of my neck

And then Trump, it would be over there all like, look at that look on his face I still can't believe one of them won it But we came down to those two, but we did But we did and the comedy ensues I don't mean, why am I talking about foreign policy for fucking 11 minutes? When you know what I did this weekend? I went to Charlotte, North Carolina Alright, and I went to the third installment of the Barstool rough and rowdy tough man competition And I'll tell you right now, I don't think I've had that much fun at any fucking show business gig

Since I can remember I want to thank David Portnoy and Dan Katz for letting me sit there and run my yap for four glorious hours Over 40 fights Dude, somebody would get knocked out and it was just like, get him out of here and then someone else would go in And every fight, there was a couple of boring ones But other than that, every fight was great And if it wasn't a great fight, it was a funny fight Like when you get two fatties in there and eventually they would get gassed

And the fight would just start going into slow motion I don't know why I didn't think to start commentating in slow motion Like slow my, not slow motion, slow my voice down There's a left hook to the right side of his face I literally could have talked that slow and kept up with the action But alright, I gotta give a shout out to the fight There was three fights to me that, maybe even more than that My top five fights of the night, I would say

Alright, in no particular order Alright, I would say the milkman His dude went in, his whole promo, he was dressed as a milkman, drinking milk And it was just like, what the fuck does that have to do with anything And then he gets in the ring, proceeds to beat the shit out of the other guy And the guy gets a standing eight count, if I remember correctly Now, don't hold me to this, there was over 40 fights And after the standing eight count, this dude came running across the ring like Tyson did in his early days

When he threw that overhand right, like he was trying to throw somebody out at the plate from the warning track And hit that dude who looked like fucking Geese Osby from the Globetrotters Like he literally thought he killed him This dude did the same thing, ran across the room, except did the inexplicable He threw an uppercut, with no lead jab, nothing to set it up I saw Buster Douglas do that one time, he got half, he led with an uppercut And got drilled in the face, and that was it The night was over, I'll never forget this guy, he goes, you never lead with an uppercut

Well, the milkman proved that theory wrong He ran across, he did a running uppercut, if I remember correctly And just knocked this guy the fuck out, and then I understood why he was called the milkman Because the milkman always delivers Isn't that a nice story? It was a great story, and in there there was head trauma Somewhere in that story, there was head trauma, alright Then, the dude who came in after the main event, dressed as the pink power ranger This guy went in, dressed as a pink power ranger, five foot nothing

A pink onesie on with little red sneakers Like the kind of sneakers that, you know, people who embrace being a nerd wear now And for some reason they don't get the shit kicked out of them like they did when I was a kid Instead, they get glorified, you know, as nerd power or whatever So he goes in there, dressed as the pink power ranger And proceeds to take like 19 or 20 jabs to the fucking nose until he's bleeding Just basically got his face redden He didn't get the shit kicked out of him, but he got fucking knocked around

So at the end of the fight, the post interview fight, he's standing there with his nose fucking bleeding Just shy of profusely And they're doing the interview And they said, we gotta ask, why did you come in dressed as the pink power ranger? I'm sorry, I don't know the character's name Why did you come in dressed as the pink power ranger? And the guy just with a straight face just goes, cause she's a badass bitch I fuck her any day of the week

I don't know if the kids are gonna like this I don't know if the kid understood how funny If he understood how funny what he just said was The way he delivered it, I would say that that's the next great comedic mind in Hollywood Cause it was very Andy Cough to have your nose bleeding And the way he said, I'd fuck her any day of the week He said it like the actress that plays that pink power ranger would be thrilled with that opportunity Like, oh my god, I could fuck this guy any day of the week

The whole window of opportunity just opened To the point I'm almost dizzy with my new options The thrill ride against the Bavarian Hungarian The German vs. the American Which all night long people were in the building chanting USA, USA Anytime anybody came in, if you wore sweatpants If you had on a sports bra or whatever the fuck you had A bandana, anything that had old glory on it

People would start chanting USA, USA Even if the other opponent was also from the United States of America The thrill ride lost a unanimous decision I thought it should have been a split decision But he fought a great fight And the German won just a fucking monster of a man That was a great fight And then lastly was the frat boy vs. the blue collar kid

And you know, you think the blue collar kid's gonna fucking come in there Just like a Hollywood movie and show this rich so and so What a fucking knuckle sandwich tastes like And that's not what happened The frat boy kicked the shit out of the guy Like the guy had no fucking answers And then he fucking, the frat boy threw a left And he must have missed and he separated his shoulder it looked like

And then he grabbed his shoulder he had it back up And they got the video, he popped it back in himself Like fucking Mel Gibson in a lethal weapon And he wanted to continue but the ref was like he can't continue So then the blue collar guy won I don't even think, I don't know if he even landed a punch So in the post fight the frat boy is fucking pissed He's got all his frat buddies there and the blue collar guy talked all this shit

Oh yeah, you're bringing all your frat buddies Where they're not gonna be in the ring to save you It's just gonna be you and me and I'm gonna kick the shit out of you Well, the frat kid didn't need all his friends They beat the fuck out of that guy And in the post fight they were interviewing the frat kid going Ah, it's a tough loss and the frat kid's going I didn't lose, I beat the shit out of him

Which was true And then the interviewer just kept going Yeah, but you lost Yeah, but you lost, he kept going Yeah, but you lost And I saw at one point the frat kid Consider punching the interviewer in the face And I was actually nervous for the interviewer

Thank God the frat kid didn't do that And then a special mention Would be the guy who came in He looked like an angry version of the lead singer from Maroon 5 And he came in and in the first round did not throw one punch Just put his gloves up on either side of his head And we were like, what the fuck? This is like, like Alprez seemed like he was getting upset

You know, like when Dana White gets mad Cause someone doesn't put on a fight The crowd was booing and all of this shit And then he comes out for the second round And he kind of looked over in our general direction But not quite at us, smiled and winked And I said, oh shit, he's doing the rope adobe He just let this guy rock him, sock him and tire himself out

And then he went back out there and started doing the same thing again And I'm like, what the fuck is he doing? But then eventually he started throwing punches They're three one minute rounds And by the third round, you know, he'd thrown quite a few punches And landed quite a few But still I thought the other guy was a clear victory for him And the judges came back and they gave it to the Maroon 5 guy

So there's a little bit of controversy But anyways, when I was sitting there fucking rigged side I'm about ready to announce boxing matches You know, this is something that I actually It's one point in my life I wanted to be a sports announcer And before I realized that it was a lot of work And I had no idea how to do it So I just was like, well, I kind of get in trouble for making jokes

I'll just become a comedian, how about that? Well, I was sitting in that fucking rig, the Civic Center there Whatever the hell it was And the crowd looked like an early 80s wrestling crowd And when they all started chanting USA, USA I was just like, this is so fucking surreal right now To be with this level of stupidity To be sitting in the middle of this

I am like, this is the type of shit And I'm not saying that I'm smarter than these people Alright? I just haven't been around that level of stupidity Since I was the average age of the person in the crowd And I would go to a event like that And I would chant USA, USA Would you like my credits?

I went to a live taping of Morton Downey Jr. show And it was screaming and yelling And standing up and applauding I saw Dice Clay in 88 at the Worcester Centrum And with the crowd we all tried to boo the opening act offstage I booed another stand up comedian Before I was a comedian And Karma came back to bite me in the ass

You know, when I fucking did that Philly show So I've been there To be in an event like that A tough man event When everybody was chanting USA, USA Was so fucking surreal And I just pictured all these fucking You know, all these liberal people fucking

Being disgusted with it And it just struck me, it was really funny And I don't know It took me back to, I hadn't thought about it I actually had to look the guy's name up unfortunately Morton Downey Jr. I couldn't even remember his fucking name Which is another reason why I'm so happy

I got married and had a kid Because that guy was so god damn famous And I was such a huge fan of his And somewhere in the back of my closet I still have a sweatshirt from that Going to the Morton Downey Jr. show I got that, this is what I did in the 80s I went to that

I have a bud man hoodie Do you remember when they used to have A superhero for Budweiser? I have that And I have a Stevie Ray Vaughn tank top I didn't get the t-shirt I got the tank top because it was the 80s And I wanted to show off my pasty guns

You know Because nobody did squats Everybody just did Upper body in the 80s From the instep tour That's what I have left from the fucking 80s But anyways I can't remember where the fuck I was going with that

But it was amazing And I want to go back To that venue And I want to do a stand up show In the round, in the middle of it That's how much I enjoyed performing there I mean actually announcing that That's how much I enjoyed the arena

So I want to thank everybody that came out Once again, thanks to everybody at Barstool If they'll have me again I would absolutely in a heartbeat I would do it again Because that was just my first one And I think I was funny But I think I could be a lot funnier

I just had to It was just a lot of shit to take in It's like what do I do here Do I actually announce the fight? I don't know shit about fighting Right? Do I just try to be funny? And then I also had to figure out

How you know Dan and Dave worked So I wouldn't be in the fucking way So I kind of I thought towards the end got Funnier So we'll see We'll see if I get another

If I get another shot I would definitely do it And you guys, you gotta fight You know I want to thank everybody that ordered it too Because I think they I think that was their best one As far as what I heard

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But now when I think about it The fact that that person did the work And then I just want to show up The very least I could have offered the kids Something like hey I'll buy an extra bag of chips At lunch or some shit

You know what I mean Or whatever the fuck you want Whatever they used to sell there Right All the junk food That's all they had was junk food They had a shitty meal And then they had

It was like cookies, potato chips Just a bunch of shit And I remember like for lunch sometimes If I didn't like the lunch I would just take my lunch money And I would buy all junk food And people would say Dude you're gonna get a bunch of zits

If you eat like that And I was like I don't think I'm gonna You know what am I gonna do Have an apple And then get bullied He's eating an apple You know

Insert homophobic shit after that Alright let's talk some sports here Now I know this is a weird time For most people in most cities Your hockey team and your basketball team Are done for the year And now you're looking at your baseball team But when you live

In the city of champions Or at least you were from there And nobody won a championship until you left Like me, well the Celtics did And the Bruins won too When I was a little kid And I don't remember Although I did have this little Bobby

Your sweatshirt My mother saves everything I gotta find that thing Oh my god that would be great Find that thing Put it on my cute little daughter Take a picture Oh god I gotta find that

Anyways If you live in a city of champions Not only did your basketball team With 17 championships win it Your hockey team with six Stanley Cups Also won it Well I mean made it to the playoffs Let's start

Let's start with the Boston Bruins There are up two games to none Against the original six Toronto Maple Leafs Who are trying desperately To end a 51 year drought I am a fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs If the Toronto Maple Leafs get by us I will root for them

Okay I would like the suffering To end in Toronto Alright I would also like us to beat them I want us to beat them first However if they do beat us Then that will be my team Alright Having said that

You got your asses whipped In the first two games of this series I mean just it was easy I mean I'm not going to say it was The first two periods of game two Were a little scary Period one of the first game You know that 51 when he did that

That fucking slap shot from the fucking blue line That laser that hit the crossbar I was thinking like this game can turn In any second I felt that way for a lot of the second game It just never did Because we have a guy named David Posternock On our team who's I would say

At this point is just shy Of becoming a superstar The guy's got nine points in two games He's making it so ridiculously easy He fucking scored the last goal He put the puck between his legs Like he was fucking around Before the game

Alright this should have been Globetrotter music That's the second Globetrotter fucking reference In the same podcast Within a half hour 31 minutes 32 minutes excuse me You find another podcast out there That's going to bring up Geese Ausby And then swing then fucking

In a false set of voice Can't even talk right now Sing sweet Georgia Brown You tell me You tell me you show me a podcast that does that And I will show you a more successful podcast In this one Nine points

That whole fucking line Fucking Bergeron Ma, Sean, Posternock And we're playing great defense Tuca's been Making some incredible saves You can tell right now that I haven't watched a lot of games this year

All I know is that The front office of the Boston Bruins Has not gotten the credit they deserve For the incredible rebuild that they did To this team They got rid of everybody Oh look who's here Hi

I have a doctor's appointment at 10 I gotta leave at 9 Oh okay Oh so then what I have to watch my beautiful little baby girl Oh boo-hoo Oh poor me Alright

No worries Alright buddy Alright Anyways Okay bye bye I just gotta wait till she leaves I don't see any bad words in front of her Anyways so the vacuum

Bruins We got rid of like The whole fucking Team basically Other than Chara Ma, Sean And Bergeron essentially

As far as our big stars We got rid of Johnny Boychuk, Belan Luchis Tyler Sagan, Dougie Hamilton Tim Thomas We got rid of the coach, Claude Julian We got rid of everybody And I was thinking like wow alright I tried to put a positive spin on it

I like watching a rebuild and all of that stuff Which I was, I watched them all this time Until this year when it all came together You know but I have a good excuse You know got the kid, what am I supposed to do huh Not go out there And play with my kid Of course I gotta do that but

I don't know Where we're like really young We're really fast And then we still have some veterans And then we got some other guys that have you know You know we got some like Guys that have been playing like 6-7 years It's just this great mix

And then all these young kids that are just flying around the fucking ice And I don't know what we're gonna do this year in the playoffs It's looking good so far but I am liking the future And speaking about the future Speaking of the future, the Boston Celtics That's what you're watching that's out on the court

Because everybody's fucking hurt Kyrie Irving's out, Marcus Smatz out And you know what I totally forgot about That Gordon Hayward kid Played fucking half a quarter this year He's coming back next year So I'm just watching The Celtics this year

To see like as far as the playoffs To see like Tatum, Rosier Jalen Brown All of these guys getting all this This Just quality minutes in the playoffs It's just gonna help us in the future And you know I don't think that we were gonna get by Cleveland

Or even Toronto Toronto looks unbelievable But my favorite thing in the NBA playoffs right now Is the name of the Milwaukee Bucks Coach Joe Prunty I swear to God Every time they say it it's like did they just say country And I don't know why

But if there was a drinking game That every time they said Joe Prunty In the broadcast that I watched I would have been shitfaced By the end of the first quarter Joe Prunty I guess what's his face I can't remember his fucking name either

Jason Kidd, I don't know what happened to him He was there, I don't know why he's not there And it's gonna be great To watch, I don't know how many games Against The Bucks in Giannis Antetocompo Antetocompo, is that what you say? Antetocompo Let me actually, let me get the proper

Pronunciation of that That was a fucking great game You can't as a Celtics fan Not be disappointed When you're watching it seeing all our big guns on the bench Being like we would be kicking the shit out of this fucking team If everybody was healthy And

Giannis And Antetocompo You see how you say this guy's fucking name Pronunciation What a show, pronunciation Here we go Alright, oh

Giannis himself is gonna explain Here we go Come on Ah, my internet sucks The Nigerian way You gotta say it with a D So it's adder to Compo But in the Greek way, you say it with an NT

Like Antetocompo So I'll change myself I think there's a way you gotta say the last name Whatever you got Just say it, you know It's Giannis Antetocompo Giannis Antetocompo Giannis Antetocompo

Antetocompo You can say it with the T or the D I love that the guy has that difficult last name I don't give a shit I'm just gonna be dominating the game That's another thing too I get to watch this guy for a number of games too I think he might be the next one

You know, once LeBron If LeBron ever gets old I would say this guy's gonna be the next one It's gonna be Well, maybe it'll be Kevin Durant And then him As far as like the best guy in the league And I'm saying that

I don't really know shit about Hoop You know Why do you guys listen? I don't know shit about boxing I'm commentating about it I don't know shit about foreign policy Yet I'm talking about that Asking why we're not having

Missile Strikes on corporations Alright Hippy Music, let's do some reads here for the week We're gonna do a couple of Reads here for the week Oh, by the way, I have to admit I gotta become Jimmy Swaggered Billy Swaggered

Remember I said I was gonna be Vice Free 16 days And actually the final two days In March is when I started this But I said I was gonna be Vice Free I gotta go a little Jimmy Swaggered I have sinned against you

I fucked up Saturday night I went out with my lady And We went out To go see some live music At this little club Slash dive bar That we really love going to

And we went there And Nia was like come on man You're not gonna have a drink and I'm like Nah, you know I told my podcast listeners I was gonna blah blah blah She's like come on, you have one fucking drink I said fine, you want me to have a fucking I was really annoyed with her because

I realized how weak I was You want me to have a fucking drink Right, so I ordered some food And then I ordered a club soda with the lime And then I was just like if she doesn't bring up Having a drink again I'm not gonna order one Alright, I don't want to throw away All these days, right

So she finally just goes Can you just have a hit of weed Or something like that I was like I don't fucking like weed or whatever And she just, I just said fuck it, I'll do it So I went outside the place And I took four hits off of this fucking joint And I hate weed

I just don't fucking like it And I go inside and what happens every time I smoke weed is I just get sleepy And I want to go to bed So I'm watching this amazing band Incredible musicians And they could also sing too which is a plus They sounded like you were listening

To a record they were so good And they ended up doing a cover of Led Zeppelin Since I've been loving you That Led Zeppelin would have been proud of And I'm sitting there In the corner of the bar being like Hey man I just want to go to bed man I think my pillow is like my best friend man

And I just, you know So I blew it, but you know what I didn't drink and yesterday was the big test Because now that I fucked up the whole month I feel I'm just like well now what So now do I drink, so last night I was thinking Oh I might as well have a fucking drink because I blew it

I thought it would not be a pussy You had a couple of hits of fucking weed You didn't enjoy it Then you came home and you went to bed So whatever I hit one hurdle I've jumped over all the other ones And I'm going to keep going

Plus I was also sober for the last two days Of March So But I still didn't make a month then I basically made, I was at two days ago Fourteen, I went sixteen days I blew it I blew it man, I gave in to peer pressure

From my wife You know She always ends up knocking me off the wagon though I remember one time I went a year and two days Without booze And we were in Norway At this fancy fucking restaurant

And had like a twelve course meal All these little bites kept coming out I was just laughing going we're never going to get full And by the eighth one I was like wow I just think I'm going to puke and they just kept coming And then the end they came out with this cheese plate For dessert That's when you know you're at a ritzy fucking place in another country

Dessert is cheese It's like you eat cheese for dessert Really? And it was this pungent Stings the nostrils Anchorman level fucking cologne But it was cheese And Nia took one bite was like I can't fucking

No way So I started taking giant bites out of it I don't know don't you're going to get sick And my eyes were watering My nose was running But her reaction how concerned she was For me was making me laugh so hard That I ate the whole fucking cheese plate

And it was fucking disgusting But in that meal she knocked me off the wagon She's done it to me a number of times What I'm trying to say Is that I'm sitting she's Nancy But I won't kill her someday So anyways

But I have to admit that I really like You know the mornings are the best I wake up I feel good I work out And just four hits a week The next morning I woke up I felt like shit I just felt like I needed

To squeegee my goddamn brain So I don't know maybe she reminded me why I'm doing this So I think I'm going to do this right through to my birthday And then I'm going to be on vacation everybody I'm doing I'm doing a show in Dublin Ireland And then I'm doing

Royal Albert Hall In Which I can't believe in London England And then I'm on vacation And For the next 10 days Or whatever If I want to smoke a cigar here or there

I'm going to do that And then when I come back I think I'm going to jump right back on the wagon I'm going to try That's what I'm going to try to do Because I'm eating well And I'm keeping the weight off And who's kidding who I became a dad real late in life

And I'd like to be around so I got to shut down the potty a little bit Right That's another great thing about having a kid If I didn't have a kid I probably would have Shaved a good 15 years off my life Oh but what a fun time I would have Alright let's read some

Of the Some of the music Some of the music Oh hippie music that's why I said music Some of the questions here for this week By the way did anybody see the Andre the Giant Speaking of civics

The Andre the Giant Documentary You got to check it out You got to check that out My favorite part was I guess The only thing they allowed in the locker room Were wrestlers

And the referees No one else was allowed in there And Andre would always be in there Playing cards And what I loved was They actually had footage of somebody Walking in there with the camera And Andre the Giant standing up

Just going God damn big foot That's when he had the fro Uh He stood up And the person just ran out with the camera That was my favorite fucking part Seeing a giant angry

Usually it's a gentle giant But actually seeing him fucking upset Oh god I fucking yotted Sorry Alright guys sorry about that I'm supposed to fucking liven up your week now Make you want to put your head down on your desk

Alright hippie music blind spot Hey Billy Redtits Saw your first Cincinnati show With two friends last Saturday You absolutely killed prime bur This is why you're the greatest living comedian Ah Wasn't that nice

He said okay let me take Let me take your dick out of my mouth Why do guys always feel like They get all fucking homophobic Out if they compliment another man They always have to say hey man That's a nice shirt, no homo It's like well dude I've known you for 20 years

I would think if you would have Fucking made a move at this point You know you could just say nice shirt Um As per the most recent Monday Morning podcast I'm writing To second John Fishman Of Fish

As a drummer you need to pay attention to You ask for start, alright this is it I'm gonna fucking get into fish You ask for start albums I submit a live release You should start with Live double album, a live one Or Studio Circa 1993 Rift

Rift is my favorite album It's a concept album, oh alright You know what I'm doing right now I'm gonna download it right now so I don't forget Alright Here we go, itunes store I'm old, I know you guys all use A cooler fucking downloading site

Alright Fish with a PH R-I-F-T Where is it, where is it Rift, 999 Bam, clicked Buy Downloading

Alright, there we go I took your advice Alright, a picture of Nectar Is another good one would be my second favorite Covers all genres including Jazz, country, calypso, rock and roll In Neo-psychedelia man According to Wikipedia

I can't listen to this Psychedelic music because there's a small part of me That really wants to try mushrooms And when I listen to that music I always think like how much more intense Would this be If I felt like I could hold My brain in my hand

Name for Nectar, you know what But I'll never do psychedelics Because you have to be home When you do it, but now I got a kid So I can't be tripping with a kid Can't do that, that's when Social services comes by I'm a rock and kid

Name for Nectar's bar in Burlington, Vermont That's what the album is named after The house band starting off their careers Anyway, love your shit And psych to hear your thoughts On John Fishman Fish drumming To me, they belong in music history books

But would love to get Billy Rowdy Red's take on it Signed from Kentucky Alright, cool I already love the title of this one here Why I Need an AR-15 Alright, all you Hollywood liberals Listen up, I asked people

In the middle of the country Or just outside of Los Angeles Which a lot of people in LA Specifically Hollywood, consider In the middle of fucking nowhere Right? Until they have a movie premiere And then they go down there

We love you from Bakersfield Okay, why I need an AR-15 I just listened to you talk about AR-15. I didn't say that in an insulting way You country fuck Alright, I'm just saying You know what I mean? It's like For home defense

It's just funny to me. It's just like How much of an asshole are you That you need an AR-15 For home defense that basically You're such a cunt that on any given night That fucking hit squad At the end of Scarface Is gonna come over your fucking

Fence And you need to mow them down You need basically, you know Fucking bazooka Anyways, the reason I need an AR-15 Is because I have a small flock of sheep And I live in coyote country Coyotes, you live in Phoenix?

Coyotes won't really harm An animal as big as a cow But sheep or goats are fair game to them When coyotes attack in packs They tend to attack in groups of Seven to twelve individuals Jesus Christ So you live? We have coyotes out here

They're usually in packs of twos Even though I am That's because they're all on some Hollywood diet Most of them die of anorexia So they're just packs of twos Even though I am a fairly good shot Trying to hit a moving target without hitting my Sheep means that I might miss

Several times I need the magazine capacity Of the AR-15 or a similar gun Because I only have four Melking U's, is that how you say it? U's? What is a U? E-W-E-S Ah Jesus

Fucking Christ, I mean This is an easy one, but I'm not a farmer, man U's Pronunciation What a show, pronunciation Here we go, alright, here we go That's how you say it Come on

U U U Did he need to do it three times? How fucking dumb am I? U How do you say it? U

Oh, U Alright, U U U He did a subtle different read on the second one U U What's happening now?

Sounds like I'm hungry Oh, 50 word mistakes Hello, and welcome back In this lesson, I will show you 50 words That you are probably pronouncing U And I'll also teach you How to say them correctly

Oh, I thought you were just saying how to say them wrong How do you say it? Well, we say Pronounced But pronunciation There's no noun in this word It's pronunciation Nobody says pronunciation

You fucking click big cunt Cat There's no og in there It's cat Alright, why I need an AR-15 Okay, so these coyotes come down In packs of 7 to 12 Oh my god, and it's U's

U's U's U's Our fucking running around Yeah, yeah I mean, what a fucking exciting morning Jesus Christ, that's like the ultimate Video game

So then you fucking blow these things away And then what do you feed them to the pigs? I mean, that is, you know These fucking assholes Crossfit running down the fucking street Like they're doing something This guy is inside Watching deputy dog

You know Right, and all of a sudden He hears one of his U's going Hey man, they're coming over the hill Right, and then he's got to come out there With this fucking machine gun Get some, get some I'll tell you this right now

If I could fucking Rent a helicopter big enough And we could open a door And you could fucking shoot them from up there I would fly you around your own property, sir While you did this with your fucking AR-15 Anyways I need a magazine

Capacity of the AR-15 Or similar gun, because I only have four Melking U's U's U's And I produce feta and parmesan cheese What a good shit! Jesus, thank you for producing that

So I can eat it If I lose a single U U U That represents a significant percentage Of my income for the year That's, you know All these Hollywood liberals, I swear to god

If you stole their fucking yoga mat Or threatened to cut off their fucking man bun I bet every one of them would get a fucking AR-15 But they put pink bullets in it My sheepdog can hold the coyotes off For a little while But not forever That's a fucking, that dog's got heart, huh?

Holding off 12 fucking coyotes That's like when Magic Johnson played Every position Other farmers in more western states Need the AR-15 to protect From mountain lions or wolves So when someone said No one needs an AR-15

I guess they think that I'm nobody Awwww You're a somebody You make the cheese Why did you have to go that route? You proved your point And now you're trying to make everybody feel bad for you I am somebody

This is hilarious This is like self-help I guess they think that I'm nobody I am somebody And I have a legitimate need for an AR-15 Let's clap around of applause That was just textbook Huh? What's he supposed to do?

Let those yous get killed And then Little kids can't put Parmesan cheese On their fucking rig of Tony God bless you sir, God bless you Your AR-15 and the wonderful Cheese you make What do you do with all the dead coyotes?

Huh? Man, this guy's That's fucking living out there I mean the first one, the first one yelped Fucking shot it, I would feel like an asshole However though I would know good and goddamn well That if I didn't make the cheese

That I would be living outside next thing you know Those pack of 7-12 would be Coming at me, right? Gonna take a fucking bite out of my flat Fucking freckled pasty behind Can't have that Good for you sir, I'm glad they invented a weapon So you can keep making the cheese

And you can afford to keep Paying the banker cuts Alright, girl, that's a great fucking argument That argument is nowhere You know what it is, the smart people Never take surveys, they never get on TV So all you get is these moron gun owners Going like, well what if the government

Were all of a sudden not to be nice to me And I needed to fight them off With their F-16s and their tanks I need it for home protection Why, okay, girl at bar Used my phone to Venmo herself $300, now I don't know what Venmo is But this guy basically explains it

Dear Billy Bass on the wall The other night I was at this bar with a few buddies And we started talking to this group of girls I was hitting on this one girl And we talked for a little more than an hour Her friends then said they were leaving And so before she left

I asked if I could have her number She said yes, and she asked for my phone To put in her number Or so I thought, uh oh While she was putting in her number I wasn't really paying attention And started talking to my buddy Next thing I know, she's handing back the phone

And saying goodbye I told her I'll text her later this week And try and set something up Well the next day I went to look for her number And I couldn't find it I searched and searched, but the number was not in my phone I was a little disappointed But stuff like that happens all the time

And she takes it off That's right, what the fuck are you gonna do Take another swing, right? A few days later I went to Venmo A coworker, money for lunch And in my recent transactions I see a $300 payment

Made to that girl From the bar Well now you got your contact info Hey ladies, what's gonna happen Either you're gonna fuck me With my money That bitch took my phone And Venmoed herself $300

While pretending to give me her phone number I gotta be honest with you If that was her plan The entire night And she was nice enough To make you then Ask for her phone number I mean that's fucking amazing

It's disgusting, but it's amazing He said I of course was furious I heard of the police and the people who work at Venmo But I thought nothing will get resolved Because how can I prove I didn't send her the money Easily, tell your story Right?

I think you gotta do something Also I kinda respect the move It's a piece of shit move, but pretty clever It is pretty goddamn clever What would you do in this situation I'd probably just eat the 300 bucks Take it as a life lesson I never like go after people

I just don't, I don't do it I'm just like well I learned a fucking lesson I won't do that again He said I could try and get the money back But do you think the effort and the hassle Are a lot ways to reward I think you should do it because it's actually a crime She stole money from you

And You know Or you just let her keep doing it And then one day she gets caught And she fucking goes to jail Because she's probably not going to stop at this I would say you know something Considering

This whole fucking new movement Of just trashing guys all the time And always making women out to be the victim It'd be nice a little publicity out there That women have the ability to also be Pieces of shit So yeah let's even it out a little bit I would go after her, fuck it

I said $300 isn't going to make or break me But I do need to stand up for guys Who wouldn't be able to pay their rent If a girl did it to them right Any advice, helps and go fuck yourself Yeah I'd go after At the very least you know even if you don't get your money back Just to fucking

It's good that you got that information out there So there you go fellas when somebody says I'll put my number in your phone But you don't want to say don't do that Because then they might be like well I'm not going to You know trust me I would just, I would use this guy's story I would just say well the last time

I did this The woman took my phone and Venmo'd herself $300 out of my account so I'm just a little paranoid So what, women give you That number all the time? Yeah they do Are you going to give me my number or am I just

Going to go home and jerk off, whatever You guys figure it out, I'm not in this world anymore Alright I go to bed at like 9.30 every night now Roommate smokes weed Hi Bill, I really like your podcast And really enjoyed your show In the Taft Theatre last Saturday

Geez I must have had good shows in Sinssey That's twice in three letters First time I saw a live show And it was fantastic, I have a problem now I'm in college and my roommate and I Live on campus That doesn't sound like a problem I mean life, we have our own

Bedroom And we, oh we have our own Bedrooms And we don't talk very often, I'm okay with that The problem is he might smoke weed sometimes In the apartment, he mentioned he smokes weed The first day we moved in I never smoke weed and I don't know what it smells like

But the smells came out of his But the smells that came out of his room Is not a cigarette, I'm 100% sure Yeah buddy, that's weed The semester is almost over, should I bring it up Let's get a new roommate He said it kind of bothered me with the smell We only talked once when we moved in

I don't know what to do It's against the rule on campus Should I talk to the RA Absolutely not Not dude, don't talk to the RA RA is one letter short of rat And that's what the fuck you would be Don't do it, don't rat them out

Really like your comedy and I think I'm the only Asian dude that went to your show Thank you and go fuck yourself Open up and bring some of your Asian friends with me I mean with you to see my show Unless you're the only Asian In Cincinnati I have no idea, I don't know what goes on

I don't do a census No, I wouldn't rat them out If you're really concerned about the RA I would just say, hey buddy I don't give a shit that you smoke weed Actually I do care that you smoke weed But I'm not a rat so I'm not going to say anything to the RA But it is illegal and I'm concerned

That how much I can smell it The RA is going to smell it And then I'm going to get in trouble too Alright, can you do a better job Of blowing it out the window Or stick a thicker towel underneath the door Alright That's it, I swear to God

I won't talk to you again But that sucks man You guys don't even talk to each other So the first day you came there And you were just like I don't smoke weed And this guy's just like well I'm fucking done with you Everybody thinks pot smokers are cool I don't know

This guy sounds like a cunt Neighbor drove through my fence Hey Billy belligerent The title sums up this email But I feel like I'm in a bit of a situation I recently moved back into my childhood Home after being away For about four years

Unfortunately my dad passed away Sorry to hear that But he left me the house That he paid off in full, nice How the hell did he do that Usually they hit you With so many penalties and fees That you have to put the house back into play

He said the house itself Is in disrepair Oh there you go, leaky roof Bad septic lines, etc So I already have a lot to take care of In the coming months Yesterday my neighbor and childhood friend Got shit-faced

I drove his new truck through my fence This is some fucking red neck shit And got into Into the giant oak tree in my front yard The fence is wire So it was salvage-able I need to go to that pronunciation video Salvage-able

Salvage-able Salvage-able Salvage-able But I was still pissed The neighbor has security footage of the whole event Dude is everybody Filming everybody now Can you get away with anything

Including the hilarious moment When the guy When he tried to pull it back I guess the fence And fell on his ass Against all my neighbor's advice I didn't end up pressing charges Although my brother who lives with me

As well did file a police report Which is now on the drunk neighbor's Record My question is Did I do the right thing by not pressing charges And sending him to jail Well how would you send him to jail By the time you got the footage

He would be sober and he could just say I was looking down at my phone On my back itched And I took my hand off the wheel I more or less cut ties with this guy Because he's a volatile person As evidenced by this whole situation He has two young children

One in three I think Recently lost his job And has a lot to deal with So I didn't want to fuck him over even more And he did actually fix my fence When he sobered up However I don't think this will be the last time Something stupid like this happens

Should I have sent his ass to jail Or did I do the right thing I mean I wouldn't have sent anything The fact that he got up the next day And he tried to fucking fix the fence Um Talk to him about it Say hey listen man

I don't want to get into your business Or anything like that I love getting shit faced too But if there's any way you could Uber next time Uh You know Cause if I was walking up the driveway You know you would have run over me

I don't mind getting hammered or whatever But that level of hammered and then to drive Is a little fucking crazy How's everything going with the job hunting A couple of nice fucking questions And say listen I really appreciate That the next day you woke up you did the right thing And you fixed the fence

Alright Now That's what I would say to him Okay and then on the other hand I think the fence issue You need to look no further than the story Of the three little pigs Alright the wolf went to the first house

Little pig little pig let me in And the pig goes Yeah I don't feel comfortable with that dude And he said alright well then I'm just going to blow this piece of shit Fucking house over and that's exactly what he did But he's a little lightheaded and the pig Gets away he runs over to the fucking

His other brother's house you know Who actually went to college You know but just got a degree in philosophy So all he could afford was a house made out of sticks The wolf shows up He's like hey You little fatty Open this door

Little pig little pig let me in And then the pig goes Yeah man you know My other brother you know Who took shop class he just blew his fucking house down He took shop class but for somehow He lives in a fucking house made out of Hey I'm not fucking doing this so he blows that one down

And then they go to his You know The guy who majored in finance Stole a bunch of fucking money he's got a brick house He's got a brick He's burning He's might of fat Fucking over old people

You need to You need to put up a brick wall Oh man that would piss him off Somebody did that and the next day You put up a fucking brick wall And then if he gives you shit Just put your hands out like what You drove through the other one

You You're gonna fucking run me over one night Or hit this poor tree What about the tree the tree can't sue you It's a victim of fucking drinking and driving You can't take it to court It can file a complaint but it can't get there It's stuck in the ground

Then you got a little brick wall between the two of you Hey buddy if you weren't such a fucking drunk You know I wouldn't have to do this Other than that what are you gonna do I would have my head on a swivel though When I got into my fucking driveway This is the deal I would just tell the guy just say listen man

I don't wanna call the cops I don't wanna do any shit like that But if it happens again I'm gonna have to because You're gonna kill somebody Alright Please don't put me in that position That's what I would say

And then I would build a brick wall But you know what you can't take a shit if you're dead This is do you know what I'm gonna make you Put the priorities up there You're gonna roll the dice that this fucking Crazy motherfucker and his trunk Truck's gonna come over there and drive through your fucking wire fence

I think you need an air 15 To shoot out his fucking tires as he comes Towards your oak tree Why don't you talk to the fucking cheese How cool is that That guy he owns a farm and he makes cheese You know what I mean So rare do you meet somebody that actually

Has a job now that it's like Wow we really need that We need that guy That we need you making another fucking app That can have some hoards steal $300 from you Oh it's so easy and convenient That someone that you don't even know Can just send them fucking money

Hey wouldn't you have her number From the transaction I'd call her up Give me my 300 bucks back you fucking Theven whore before I call the cops I'd get my 300 bucks back And then I would call the cops There you go that's what I would do with her

The fence think ah I'm alright with that But I would tell him not to do it again Alright Okay that's the podcast Have a great couple of days You go fuck yourselves And I'll check in on you on Thursday