Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-17-17

Episode Date: April 17, 2017

Bill rambles about updating his phone, shitting yourself and making dumplings.

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2017 What's going on? How are you? Happy Patriots Day everybody! I believe that only... Ugh, it's my voice right now I believe that Massachusetts is kind of the only place that takes Patriots Day off Kind of, sort of

You know, they have the Boston Marathon Right, they usually play a Red Sox game during the day For everybody who doesn't want to fucking run around Or watch a bunch of skinny people running down the damn street Shitting themselves On Hadbreak Hill Every year somebody shits themselves In that race, you know that?

Any time there's a marathon There's people that push themselves so hard That they literally shit themselves Is there fucking running up the hill? You know those runners, they wear those little fucking nylon shorts and stuff So there's nowhere for it to go And these maniacs, they just keep running with shit going down the back of their legs Like one of those fucking horses

They carries, you know, drags the newlyweds around the park You know, but even them, you know, they put the tail up, they fucking shoot it out Always going in early with the shit jokes everybody Is this what it's gonna be? Is it literally gonna be a shit show? Yeah, so whatever, happy Patriots Day to everybody I don't even know what Patriots Day is You know, I don't think it's about the football team

Because it's not football season Is this when we raised the banner? Patriots Day, let's look it up Shall we people? Patriots Day Hashtag what the fuck is it? Why does it automatically go to fucking Wikipedia? Even though I would have gone here

Alright, then there's Patriot Day, a film starring Mark Wahlberg That's not what I was looking for Fucking cocksuckers, I just don't understand I had, oh my god, I had the worst day With my fucking phone, like yesterday I tried to update it You know, and then it comes back on And then you need all your fucking passwords And no matter how much I type them in

The way they're supposed to be, it doesn't recognize it Then it shuts down my phone Then it's going, oh la, bonjour Guten tag in like 50 different fucking languages And I can't, I can't I came so, if I had not, I haven't meditated in a month I'm not gonna lie to you, but if I hadn't meditated So much in the beginning part of the year

I would have broke my phone in half I grabbed, I turned it sideways And I fucking started, I started to do it I started to fucking break it And I stopped, I did throw it at the couch Into the cushions, and I also did throw my laptop Into the, they were all into the cushions Not overly, you know, it's funny when I lifted up the laptop

I felt the pain of my rotator cuff So I could only throw it so hard It was really pathetic, it was a very pathetic display of anger So, you know, I don't know My phone's still fucking with me You know, I'm trying to go into the goddamn Apple store here And they won't let me do it I don't understand these, you know, Apple

Everybody fucking loves this kind of company You know, can somebody please fucking explain to me Why they're so hostile when it comes to any sort of customer support Is there a fucking reason there's not a phone number? I can't talk to anybody They're like, fuck you, here's our product If it doesn't work, go fuck yourself We're not responsible for anything

You don't know what we look like You don't know where we are Don't even talk to me about those fucking Apple stores With the people walking around with the genius t-shirts Give me a fucking break Oh, that sounds, somebody just came into my house I hear it all the time, so I mean It doesn't mean shit to me

Anyways, what if that was like an anger meter As I was getting up higher, it would ring And it would let me know to come back down again You know, like an idiot light on some car That your engine's overheating Anyways, fuck those Apple stores too, alright? Those are dead, it's all bullshit You're talking to low-level people in the company

Nobody who's fucking designing these goddamn things That end up being fucked up is working at that store You're giving that stupid fucking shirt that says genius That should say peon And then what are they? Gotta deal with fucking balding hotheads like me Who come walking in going like Dude, where the fuck did all my music go?

Where did you put it on the cloud? I don't want you to have my stuff Fine, you know I shouldn't never stop getting CDs All I know is everything's fucked up, okay? And so now I'm signing into shit on my laptop My phone's talking to me going Hey, somebody's signing in on another device

And there's no place for me to say Yeah, I know, it's me And then the laptop's doing the same thing It's like David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Halen It's like, you guys, you were great together We had the band And now you're fucking breaking up And you're talking shit about each other

And don't even talk to me about those fucking numbers I'm supposed to punch in Because I did that too I went into my settings I fucking hate the stupid... Whatever Clicked on my name, went into passwords Typed a fucking number that they just sent me

Into the thing and they said they didn't recognize it And then they freeze up my phone Freeze up my phone Like I'm working in the Pentagon or something Like I'm some fucking general I'm just some jerk off who wants to listen to some Fucking hair metal from the 80s Well, I get on a treadmill

It's all I'm trying to do here You know what it is It's fucking, it's incestuous You know how really rich people Want to keep the money in their family You know, so they just sort of Eat with the same five families I've talked to you this before

So it's why, you know, you look at the Kennedys It's like they're good looking from the forehead Down to like the mouth area And then they smile and it's whoa You know, it starts looking like They should be playing a fucking banjo You know, so It's the same thing with technology

Technology used to be a radio was a radio Over there's my stereo That over there is the dishwasher Right? Slash made Sorry I was just thinking about the time I was talking about And then you had your walk wins, right

Then the walk went also had a fucking radio And a phone was a phone And now they've all, they've all just been Gang banging Right? This big fucking colligular fucking Fisting technological I don't know what

Everything now Everything, everything is just on those fucking things And I don't know It's ridiculous So what I ended up doing after I started To like, it was weird, like I had The strength Signals sent from all the way

To like my wrists, I didn't let it Get to my hands, I felt the anger Go all like, it's like the hulk, right The fucking, my arms Turn green all the way down to my wrist And I just, I stopped myself From breaking it in half, but I have to Oh god, that would have been such a great feeling

To just snap There has to be YouTube videos of people snapping their fucking Phones in half What I did was I just said Fuck that phone, fuck the laptop And I had a drum lesson And I got in my truck And I just fucking drove over

And I can admit, you know what, it was kind of fucking nice Not having a phone You know, I wasn't looking at text messages While driving, I wasn't doing any of that type of Shit, trying to fucking scroll To the next goddamn song None of that shit I just was, I don't know

Driving a car like I used to Talking to myself And then I came back I calmed down I tried it again And about, I don't know, maybe the 17th attempt, I got it to work again And I just got it, you know

As great as these are My ability to communicate with you guys And everything like that You know, I still would have been alright Without these things I could have made it the old fashioned way As a comedian, where you just keep doing the clubs And doing the clubs, then I do a guest spot

On the Hollywood Square, right next to Paul Lind You know, maybe do a fucking Tonight show, then I just keep Building up, I could have made it that way I didn't need all of this shit, all this shit That these fucking yolo douches You know Selfies, and then the picture you take

That it takes sort of a video But it's a picture, but it's also a video You know, these flying squirrel suits I mean, I don't know What is it, you just have to do shit That other people didn't do Is that what it is? I don't fucking know Back in the day, you know what it was

Back in the day, you fucking did the clubs Until you built up enough Of the following on your own that you Headlined clubs, and then maybe you got An hour special then You know Now, if you're a middle act You need an hour special to headline

Like the whole thing is, I just feel like This old man like, this is not how it used to be What's the deal with everything? Alright, Patriots Day everybody Patriots Day Where is it? Patriots Day In Massachusetts and Wisconsin And Patriots Day in Maine

Is an official state holiday Commemorating the anniversary Of the battles of Lexington And Concord Well, what the fuck does Maine And Wisconsin have to do with that? The first battles of the American Revolution Or is Maine

And Wisconsin the only other two fucking states That respect our holiday The holiday was originally celebrated On April 19th, the actual anniversary Of the battles fought In 1775 Since 1969 It's been observed on the third Monday

In April, in Massachusetts and in Maine Dole, let's get a three day weekend Out of it, you know Fuck the 19th, just make sure it's On a Monday It's also the first day Of a vacation week for public schools In both states

In both states and a school holiday For many local colleges and universities Both public and private The day is a public school Observance day in Wisconsin Florida law also encourages people To celebrate it Like those fucking people needed an encouragement

To celebrate anything else They fucking celebrate it like everyday Patriots Day Fucking meth day Though it is not treated as a public holiday Observances and reenactments Of battles occur I remember going to one of those

When I was a kid I thought those people were cool as shit Shooting the guns and pretending to die I thought it was awesome Then I got older and I was like That's what he's into Alright, the Boston Marathon Is run on Patriots Day every fucking year

Therefore sometimes the holiday Is marathon Monday The Boston Red Sox have been scheduled To play at home in Fenway Park On Patriots Day every year since 1959 The games are postponed Due to weather In 59, 61, 65, 67, and 84

Do I need all of this? Alright, we got it, okay, we got it So that's what it is It's commemorating the first battles Of the American Revolutions In Lexington and in Concord I thought Gettysburg was the first one That wasn't the first one

Oh, that was a Civil War Oh my god, shaking my head Shut up, you fucking Wikipedia reading cunt Nobody gives a fuck about your war knowledge Did you fight in it? Well then shut up Alright, you know it's funny Before I came in here, right I was watching the Celtics lose

It's a fresh loss I'm taping this Sunday night Celtics lost To a giant Jamie Foxx With the Chicago Bulls Dude, that Butler guy looks like Jamie Foxx, Serker, like

Somewhere in the 90s, in living color And You know, fucking brutal game Brutal game, brutal game, but it was also You know, with Isaiah losing His sister and stuff, it was kind of like The drama Of the game was definitely just looked at

It's just a fucking game, look what this guy's going through But the Bulls, as much as they're in 8th C, you know, let's go a little Sports, morning, talk, radio These Chicago Bulls, as much as they're in 8th C They have a lot of veteran Presence and in your experience With your Dwayne Wayne

With your Rondo And Yeah, it's not going to be an easy one And then they got that unabomber guy Like, I don't know what the fuck that guy's dealing You know what I mean? I think When I look at that guy, his dude The hairdo he has in the fucking

Facial hair I just hear his agent, you know, going like Dude, we've tried everything To get you a lucrative Advertising contract, we got nothing So, you know Why don't you just be the crazy Fucking hair and bearded face guy

Why don't we try that? Did the birdman Retire yet? You know? I used to get claustrophobic Looking at that guy's fucking tattoos They just kept going higher and higher Like the little he was choking him Um Beautiful, very Marvel comic

Um, yeah, so we lost, whatever Ah, fucking one game, you know What are you going to do? I mean, we live and die But we got one guy, we got fucking Isaiah Thomas That's our guy, okay? He's the fucking guy, we live and die by the threes We don't get fucking offensive boards And I'll tell you, you can get away with that

The regular season, come play off time You know, you might get exposed That's what I'm worried about And the Bruins blew it You blew it! We fucking blew game We blew it, we fucking blew it Game two, I think we forgot

That there was a third period We were all impressed with ourselves, you know We scored three goals in the second period Or something like that Or two, something, we went up three to one Up three to one, everything's going good And the cross-checking cunts That are the Ottawa Senators

Jesus Christ If one Ottawa Senator fan Bitched about the refereeing in that game I saw one play like this fucking guy He cross-checked The same guy twice Right in front of the net The guy went down twice, no call

It was like every fucking third Cross-check that they would call And then that color commentator Was so pro-Ottawa, it was fucking ridiculous That first one He was trying to say that, you know The goal was offside How the fuck can you tell that?

He definitely seems like he moves his leg But there's no way you can see from that shitty Angle From nine, I love the NHL too It's like they're going to implement fucking replay But then for whatever reason They're going to have a camera on top of the goddamn arena At least that's the feed we got

It's like how the fuck can you tell What the guy's onside or not, I don't know Might have been a good call, might have been a bad call I had no idea, but the color commentator Was convinced I think they should have called that one back Oh fuck you Just go skate down the goddamn river

And go get your fucking whatever Whatever the fuck you guys eat up there So anyways, we'll see how that one goes I'm hoping I'm basically hoping the same thing For the Bruins and the Celtics I know we're not winning the championship In either the fucking league

I'm just hoping we can go as far as we can All right, get some good playoff experience And build on that, that's what the fuck I'm looking for That's it That's all, nothing crazy You know I didn't even look to see if I know the Predators They won that first game, one to nothing

The pitchers duel See what the fuck happened with them In game two I know the fucking Rangers And the fucking Canadians were playing What do we got here, what's going on What's going on in the world, the NHL Fucking penguins, they're the teams that beat man

Fuck the capitals Till the capitals do something Ah, the fucking The Canadians won again Gotta hate those fucking bastards They're not gonna win shit though Blues take a three game to none series over the wild What else do we got here, what's going on

What the fuck, come on man Can you just give me the fucking scores here Oh, Pittsburgh wins in overtime All right, well where's the rest of the Scores, what happened yesterday Chicago win Should it be this difficult Should you just go on the website and it's just all right

There for mouth breathing morons like me Is this asking too much, oh I went the wrong way Nashville won five to nothing Oh my god Anaheim's up two games to none Nashville's up two games to none Toronto beat Washington in overtime I wonder I didn't hear from fucking Josh

Adam Myers We lost in overtime All right, let's fuck this page I don't want to go back and relive this shit So Yeah, that's what I did today That's what I've been doing this weekend Hanging out with my daughter and I'm just watching playoffs

I watched that fucking F1 race In Bahrain Whatever the hell that one was at I actually taped it this time, had a great time watching that Ferrari's Win again What's his face wanted I didn't write down his name

One of those V guys wanted You know Hamilton got fucking penalized five seconds For driving too slow Slowing up Ricardo and then people were going like Hey you know I don't think he should have been I don't think he should have been penalized For

Basically what was happening was Mercedes was pitting both their cars At the same fucking time You know So the other guy's in there The guy was not Nico Rosberg He's in there That Lotus guy

He's fucking sitting there Basically it's like when the jet pulls into the airport You know and you're all excited You're 20 minutes fucking early But then the guy gets on You can see we arrived about 11 minutes Early Unfortunately our gate is still occupied

So Well he doesn't make a difference if we get here early or not We're still gonna pull up to the Jetway at the same time So Just sit back and relax It's more information Let you know enjoy the

Tarmac Same fucking thing Sorry I went on way too long I was just trying to remember the names of the airport shit So here's the other guys That Boutros Boutros Bali guy He's already fucking sitting there So he's pulling into the pits

He knows he can't go there So he starts slowing the fuck down Causing the other fucking guy Ricardo His spots open It's like get the fuck out of the way At least that's the way the officials saw it But I actually agree with the officials

Because Lewis Hamilton is I haven't watched too much But I think he's like that level competitive And I think that that's why he got penalized You know It's like when Marshawn got busted with the Stick to the balls You know what I mean? You're gonna get suspended

Because we know the other shit you've done So I think Lewis Hamilton gets the same fucking treatment Anyways Congratulations to Sebastian Vettel And the Ferrari teams has been great Three races, Ferrari wins one Mercedes wins the other Now Ferrari wins the third one

Sebastian Vettel leads Hamilton by seven championship points 68 to 61 I'm telling you guys, get into it, it's like 57 laps It's a great fucking time Go see what the Illuminati does With their money, it's a phenomenal God damn sport

It's already way better than last year Where it was just fucking the Mercedes It was a race to the first turn And then that was it, it was over I've been very happy with it this year So anyways What else did I do this weekend Fucking maniac

I actually got on the scale and said 174 You know I got some acting work this week I'd like to be about a buck 72 That's the way I kinda need to be around So I don't look like a big headed fucking jackass Shout out to all you actresses out there

Who think only women deal with that It's so hard It's a woman, shut up Shut up, you're in a movie Shut up I can't be too loud My daughter's sleeping, but my wife was watching That keeping up with the Kardashians

And they were having a tough moment In their family And they were all sitting there just It just seems like it's one thing after another And I know a lot of families deal with that But just it's been really fucking It's been really hard And as they're saying this

They're sitting in a private jet Being filmed for a television show On their way to New York City And they're all sitting there with these Sad pound puppy looks on their faces I don't give a fuck if I was going To my own funeral If I was on a private jet

To fucking New York City I would be getting shitfaced Pilots would love me I would never disrupt what they're doing up there I would be like I'm fucking tipping you guys Right Sitting there all sad It's just hard because

With everything that happened last year To then come into this year And have more hard things to be happening It's just really hard I would love to take that clip You know And show it to people who actually really have problems Do a reaction video

You know Whoever sewed together their fucking clothes And I'm guilty of it too I fucking wear this made in a sweatshop I actually tried one time There was a website called No Sweat I don't know if it still exists And they made all these clothes

None of it was sweatshop labor And I looked at all the clothes And none of it was cool clothes And I was like wow I want to do the right thing But I can't wear that shit All my friends are going to make fun of me So I put my own insecurity

Ahead of fucking people I don't know I just know it's just really hard sometimes Even if you are in a private jet On your way to New York City Drinking champagne They weren't even drinking champagne They were just sitting there looking sad

With their big fucking brown Kardashian eyes You know what they look like One of those fucking creepy paintings You know they make the kids Remember that artist that just had those giant fucking eyes That was like his thing They had these giant fucking creepy eyes I gotta look this shit up

This guy actually made a ton of money They were considered cute in like the 70's And I always fucking hated them Always hated them Oh by the way if you're wondering how the point system works in F1 You get 25 points if you come in first And you get points all the way down to 10th place It goes 25

Like 15, 12, 10, 8, 6, 4, 2, 1 I believe that's how it goes And then everybody else can go fuck themselves By the way how funny was it He was just bitching over the radio About what a piece of shit his car was He sounded like me in high school Except he's driving a fucking

Formula 1 race car He said this is the most underpowered Race car I've ever driven in my life They're all sitting like, dude Not on the radio And then they cut into his car and it says Honda On the side of it Anyways

Yeah it was a really fascinating race Somewhere in the Middle East They were worried about sand blowing onto the track Which could chew up the tires And obviously fuck with the traction I don't know the more I get into it the more I like it What the fuck was I looking at Creepy

Big-eyed Kids Paintings 70's This is how I search for shit I better get it Come on The big-eyed children

The extraordinary story of an epic art fraud No that's not them Why does every art gallery have that older White woman with the really short hair Like a boy's haircut but it's like stylized Like she sings in Oasis or some shit Vintage Oh there it is, is this it?

No that's not them I guess everybody does the big-eyed thing What the big-eyes What the fuck was that thing called? Wasn't it called like love is? That's not it Wow a lot of people are with the big-eyed kids The big-eyed kids in

You fucking big-eyed kid Love is Big-eyes Alright I give up I fucking give up Don't assume a picture of SpongeBob SquarePants freaking out on some drugs Do you guys know the ones I was talking about

They had little bodies, they had giant heads And they had these big fucking eyes These little pink fucking Arms and shit They were just creepy as shit And everybody thought they were so goddamn cute I was a dumb kid though Do you know every time I walked

Into a photo shop Back then And they'd have picture frames And then they already had like a picture in it Like I thought like You were buying that picture And my mother one time was looking at picture frames I was like why would you want that one

Whose kids are those And she just laughed And she goes no you take it out And then you put your picture in there And I was like oh Now that I have a kid Like that's gotta be a terrifying moment Like oh my god is my kid gonna be homeless

I'm fucking You know come home you look at you That dumbness was not in me You come home you look at your spouse That's you, you did that That's your strand of fucking DNA Messing up my 50% Thank you very much

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Asians out there Any Asians listen to this podcast? Anybody from the five east? Migrated over here? Maybe a second generation? Or maybe your family is like old school And they kept the tradition going So you know how to make fucking dumplings

I love dumplings Alright? I'm like Oprah right now I love dumplings I fucking love dumplings And I told you the story of when I was in Singapore And I was on my way to Hong Kong And I was in the fucking airport lounge

And that cunt ate all the fucking dumplings I swear to God, I don't know how his belly wasn't hanging over his pants He was a little skinny motherfucker He was a competitive eater They kept bringing him out in like groups of like 14 And this fucking guy would eat like 11 of them He was flying around the world

And there was going to be no food in the goddamn plane So the best dumplings I ever fucking had I was in Hong Kong I went to some dim sum shit I don't know what the hell it was But it is a fucking art form over there But I'll tell you here in America They still do a great job

With the dumplings The pot I love them I told you guys a while ago I wanted to get outside my palette And I never cooked with any of the Asian shit Even though I love it Right?

So I decided that I'm going to try to make these fucking dumplings Right? So of course I don't have any of the ingredients I need Other than the flour, hot water Sugar, salt What the fuck else did I have Of course I had some of that soy sauce

I had that But everything else I didn't have I didn't have anything else So I go to the white grocery store Right? I go to their little Asian section That's right next to the Mexican section That's a little bit bigger

And then everything else is just for northern Europeans I mean that's a white grocery store That's what it's like Okay? That's what I say to the guy You got any of this fucking chili sauce Do you have any of the dark soy sauce And you know I actually asked

An Asian dude that worked at the fish counter And he was like, no, no, man They don't have that shit here And I was like, do you know where I can get it? And he was like, no I mean, I don't know where you live And I was like, alright, sorry So I ended up going to

Whatever Was it Koreatown? Taitan? I don't know what the fuck it was I went into this grocery store And I come walking Whole new fucking world All these fucking noodles

All of this shit I'm looking at Going, that's the stuff when I order There it is, right there, right? So, I'm looking for my I needed like corn flour And they didn't have any So when I went to the Thai grocery store I was looking for it

And there was this Asian lady there With their mother And she sees me, the fucking white dude Oh, round eye here Looking at the shit Trying to figure stuff out And she starts laughing She goes, what are you trying to make?

And then I laugh They said, I'm gonna try to make dumplings She goes, alright, what do you need? I said, I'm trying to find corn flour And she goes, oh, you know, since she talks to her mother They're fucking, you know This is the real deal, shit, you know Bilingual shit going down

And they're trying to help me find the corn flour They couldn't, so they found this other shit And that was close to it And we were like, I don't know if you can use that So I was like, ah, fuck it Maybe I gotta go to Chinatown I have no fucking idea So I thank them

And they say good luck and I leave Then I'm standing up at the register And it was hilarious That same woman came up to me And this is what she says to me This is like a minute later She goes, ah, excuse me She goes, were you the guy I was just talking to?

And immediately I'm like, oh my god We all look alike to him So I laugh and I go, yeah And she goes, I just Googled it You can use this as a substitute She took the time out to Google it I was like, you know what? You're awesome

She said, no worries I said, alright, see you later So now I got a new grocery store to go to So I come home So I go to the meat store I get my fucking pork and all that shit again My ginger, right? All the shit that I'm going to put in there

So I go to make this Making the filling was fucking easy My bok choy, fucking cutting up the green onions All of that It's smelling right It's looking right Everything's going good Then I go to do the fucking dough

And god damn it, that was a motherfucker Not mixing it up Mixing it up was easy But just trying to make them into a round circle Was, ah, that was not easy Forget about folding them up And so whatever I put a little oil in the pan

It took me forever It took me like two hours to do this whole thing Now I was talking to somebody else who married Into an Asian family It was just like, ah man He goes, when they do it They fucking, how quickly, you know They can fucking get the dumpling together

And fold it up and make it look right It's like, it's like a fucking It's like magic, you know And I'm sitting there all clumsy Trying to get the thing together And it took me like two hours To get the whole thing together And for whatever reason

This fucking recipe I had like, how many did I have I had like fucking 40 of them I almost quit like 15 times Just going like, how many times Could I have ordered dumplings From the people that invented them That know what the fuck they're doing

But I plowed ahead, right So I get the oil in the pan And I just follow the thing You know, when they get nice and golden brown Then you pour your water in You put the lid on them And you steam them When the water's gone, they're done

They're done And I gotta tell you They were ugly On a scale of 1 to 10 They were a strong 6 Did not look good Too many different sizes Even though the ladies on the video

Showed me how to do it I still fucked that up And then, you know I'm the worst I have to stop fucking doing this Because I always go to Nia like Was it good? How does it taste?

Is it good? And the second she knows I want approval She turns into fucking Simon Cowell She was just like, you know And I even say Listen, I know these aren't great For a first attempt

That's pretty good, right? I'm like, you know Insecure fucking guy that I am I need a little Just give me a little fucking feedback Comedian That's why I like stand up Huh?

You guys like it? We liked it Dead silence Alright, I get it How about this one? Now do you like me? Do you like me again? That's how I live my life

I live moment to fucking moment Not in a zen way Just in a completely insecure way Right? So she's not giving it up But I go So, you know What's up?

She goes There's something I don't know The dough is just not You know She's clearly just Opening them up And just eating the middle

Out of them I go Too, too Like sticky She goes No That's not the word Um

And immediately I'm just like Oh god, I just want to fucking Just, yeah Um Gummy? Is that the word? Yeah, sticky, gummy

You want a thesaurus? How do you say that fucking word? So this is what happened is You know I learned from the chef That you gotta be Tasting your food I used to cook

And I wouldn't be tasting So I was tasting them The whole fucking way And the chef told me You know By the time it's done You're not gonna want any Cause you've tasted so much of it

So I'd already had somebody Fucking dumplings The time I got it Like I was almost a little sick And I fucking ate them And I knew that they weren't right But I definitely had a good time I think I would quarter that recipe

So I only make like Fucking eight of them Then I could have fun And I could actually Like take my time Rather than Dude, it was like I swear to god

It was so perfect that I did it During tax time Cause that's what it felt like You know When you got all your receipts I had all these little Balls of fucking flour But

Oh dude This morning Like I didn't even clean up I went downstairs And I was just like Eight dumplings And I had a fucking scotch I was doing so well

On my diet Next day I fucking woke up Looked like a starving child With like a distended belly You know If that starving child Was an alcoholic

And So I fucking I came upstairs And just the smell Of that fucking soy sauce And all that shit After all those dumplings I fucking ate

And I swear to god I actually have a new fond respect For that son of a bitch They ate all those dumplings In In Singapore I don't know what the fuck That guy's stomach is made out of

But dude, you can't eat All of that dough So Then of course Eating like that Kind of threw me off my diet Went to this fucking Great cook out today

And I You know I ate well But not well If you know what I mean So I'm doing well I'm doing well with the diet

Still going in the right direction Okay, I've shaved off About eight pounds off Of the fucking Christmas ham Here Oh, Billy's going to be able To fit in his suits In about another five pounds

Get down like one seventy One seventy one That's it Then I'm going to try On that suit again You know why? Because I'm not a quitter All right

I'm hanging there with the dumplings I'm not going to fucking go down I'm not going to be that guy I told you guys that I'm not going to be the guy That goes down to the dry cleaners And has his fucking suits let out Sitting there with your fucking shoulders

Slumped All right And if you're If you're in that right now If you're doing that right now You got to keep one fucking suit Okay That you don't do that to

And I would make it your favorite Fucking suit The one you look the best in That's it You know if you have fat suits You're literally wearing a fat suit Like fucking Eddie Murphy And the clumps

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Some of the fucking questions Here for the week, shall we? Shall we? The lovely knee everybody Is my food here? Oh yeah, it's been here It's been here What did I order again?

A salad with chicken Cause you're on a diet Yes Everybody knows I was talking to you About your cold calculated review Of my dumplings What are you talking about?

You know how you do Hey sweetie What's up buddy? You just woke up Look at that smile Mwah Oh she's You know what

I know I'm biased But we got one cute ass kid No, you're done Yeah, your dumplings Yeah, your dumplings You made dumplings See, this is what I'm talking about It's so cold

Yes, you made dumplings You tried I mean you No, you made it I don't mean you tried You did make it No, you can't You can't give it up

Ever Look how hard this is for you Give it up You know, I feel like I'm very honest with you Is what it is Because I respect you So Ooh, you're gonna turn this around

That was a nice little flippy-do that you did there Because I respect you I'm gonna be honest with you If I didn't respect you I would just be like Oh yeah, everything you do is amazing Well, wait, that didn't come out right either What I'm trying to say is

I think that you put forth a great effort I'm just gonna let you keep talking your way down this fucking well I'm done I'm done I'm done Yeah Okay Well, you know what I realize?

I respect you too What does that mean? It means I'm gonna start being as honest as you are That's what I'm going to do What is it exactly that you're upset with me about? Because you can't just be like, you know They're all right They're not great

That would be perfect But you have to be like There's something with the dough And I was just like Is it sticky? You're like It's not the word Just let me just put two behind my ear

And I'll move on to the next fucking meal Then you had to finally just be like I'm gummy? Is that the word? That's what And then you said What gummy means You can like blow bubbles with it

And I just couldn't even say anything Because if I said anything I would start laughing Because obviously I don't mean that you can blow bubbles with it I know You're a tough one You're a tough one It's tough to get a compliment out of you I don't feel like dumplings are oh so easy to make

You know what I mean? It was your first try They looked amazing The filling was good Just the dough part was Yeah, the dough part was definitely off I think I like overcooked it I think I'm not sure

But I'm not I'm just saying you have like You have this like You just take out the sickle When it's coming You turn it like an Olympic judge To be like You could be like

Yeah I mean they're not the best But you know you'll get them on the next one Give me a little pat on the fucking head You're just like Nope These are not good Have a nice evening I will see you in the morning

Okay well then I will Alright I'll take this opportunity You won't I've been talking to you about this for fucking 14 years Hey buddy Oh Can I take a bite out of this Ah

Huh Why can't you stay this age forever Just be this big Big ball of cute we carry around Huh She's got a mischievous look on her face Yeah You gonna be toughy tonight

Like last night Oh last night Yeah Last night was a rough one Yeah I'll tell you it was a rough one Alright let me finish this up here So I'm gonna go eat my cold fish Chicken or whatever I ordered

Chicken Alright I thought you were almost done That's why I came in here No I'm not You're way off the mic We're probably been annoying the shit out of people For the last five minutes

Okay okay I'm out of here You're right here Say bye Hey Nia that dress is I mean it's a dress You're wearing it And I still I can't even do it to you

You look great Asshole get out of here Alright wagon Please read Please read Hey there Billy baby wife That's the first kid one Alright I heard the email

You read a couple weeks ago About the older guy who was wondering If it was worth it to lay off the booze And reconnect with his family I can tell you I wasn't as bad as that guy But it made me realize I could be a better person

I quit boozing two days after I heard his story I called my brother And I started a dialogue I should have started eight years ago I used to listen to you talk about booze And think it was an excuse To keep boozing Not placing the blame on you

I'm a moron Well yeah I mean I don't know you so I wouldn't think that you were trying to blame me I wouldn't accept the blame either But then I realized You don't drink all day every day And that you have a full career

And a kid and a wife I have a plumbing and heating job And a terrier I still smoke weed Because it helps with my arthritis Which is actually very severe And prevents me from doing things Just picture you jerking off

God damn it I can't I can't sustain it It prevents me from doing things Like running and lifting comfortably The call to my brother initiated Well I bet taking all that booze out of your system Will probably help out I don't think boozing is good for your joints

Is it all that sugar? I don't know I always just repeat shit that I Half listen to I'm sorry The call to my brother initiated His inviting me to Easter Nice

The first holiday I was spent with my family In almost nine years Thanks and go fuck yourself Alright Well I don't know what you're thanking me for You did it I don't know that I said anything By the way

My wife was watching Dr. Phil And they had this fucking guy on there It was one of the most fucked up things I've ever seen on TV This guy was basically Going on the internet He was into conspiracy theory And he lost his job

And he went and got into this Meditating thing And he said He had reached this spiritual plane Of constant meditation And nobody And he couldn't explain it To anybody around him

Like his wife And Dr. Phil's trying to talk to the guy And he goes Going like So what are you trying You're meditating You're on the internet You're meditating

And then the guy just kept Taking this arrogant like Line with him going Yeah see once again I mean you'd have to read up I mean I can't just explain this to you I can send you links On to try to get to my level

Basically of higher thinking And then Dr. Phil's like Don't talk down to me Okay first of all You don't know me I'm one of the most open minded people You're ever going to meet First of all

Who the fuck says that about themselves I'm one of the greatest people I've ever met right So long story short They bring in Deepak Chopra Alright another whore Of spirituality You know

He's a whore of psychology And this fucking jerk off comes in With these fucking bright red sneakers on It sits down next to this guy And the guy's freaking out Cause he feels like he's on the same plane As this guy And then he proceeds to basically say

That this guy is Abandoning his family He picked his words carefully I will say that about Old fucking Deepak D to the motherfucking Chopra He basically picked his words carefully But in the end

He said to Dr. Phil He feels this guy is bipolar This fucking poor bastard Found out that he was bipolar On national television Like And the guy fucking sits there Acting like he's helping people

Basically you're bipolar You're not reaching a higher spiritual plane As much as you are experiencing A manic episode Damn just doing that Judge Judy shit Where he's talking all tough to the Two minutes into it I was like this guy needs some serious psychological help

I don't know shit Fucking Deepak coming out Making this face I'm trying to think who the fuck he looks like I don't know what he looks like Liberace Whatever Whatever

National Is he Indian If India had a Liberace What they ever do The fucking Michael Douglas Matt Damon Version of Liberace If they do it in some Bollywood thing You gotta cast that guy

I love that he was just available Does he live out in Hollywood? Alright Anyways I have no fucking idea I don't know anymore You know one of my favorite things too Is my wife is on Instagram

And Instagram is a pain in the ass If you're not on it You can't look at the photos and shit And I just can't join another social media site But one of my favorite fucking things Are those people who take pictures Of themselves

And their amazing bodies After they work out And rather than just saying Don't I look fucking amazing They actually Act like they're trying to motivate you You know Like reach hashtag

Reach your goals Hashtag Putting that work in I think I've just become an old man Now and I don't understand younger people I just don't understand Like The level of douche chills

That you would take a picture of yourself While you're working out You know Under the guise that you're trying to motivate people You know Like this isn't about me guys This is in my Eight pack

This is about you I'm trying to I try to inspire people with my beauty That's why I don't believe in Christ When I just see moments like that It's just like What is God waiting for When are you going to send this dude back

Like how bad Does it have to get You know In a way I almost blame God at this point It's like you're enabling us How long are you going to keep letting us Have the intelligence

To invent these devices To further disappear up our own assholes As I sit in a podcast Talking to myself For a fucking hour Jesus I swear to God Every time I think I'm making a point

I just realize what a fucking hypocrite I am Alright Little girl, statue In Syria Okay This sounds like clickbait You know When you see

Little girl finds a statue in Syria What she does next Will shock you And you know You click on it And there's one photo And it's 87 ads Fuck all of those sites

Alright Bill For days People flooded Facebook In praise of the little girl's statue They placed in front Of the Wall Street bull Everybody

Mostly women And social justice warriors Went on about resisting And how powerful the statue was I choose to fight It turns out The little girl's statue Was put up by a media slash

Marketing company That has zero interest In doing anything But creating a buzz for themselves That's not That's not all The bullet self Was a piece of art

Arrected by an independent artist It was panned by Wall Street And they wanted it removed The people kept it there Everyone is a sucker Whatever that means K-O-N-Y 2012 I cited a source below

Unless the rest of the twats On Facebook Thank you Skip some words there Sorry for the stomach growling Also That white hat documentary That went everywhere

About the group of volunteers That came to the aid Of Syrian chemical weapons victims Was part of a huge agenda To make America mad At the Syrian regime International reporters Are questioning the source

Of those weapons Some think it was even It wasn't even the Syrian government We're all fucked Love you Love me Congrats on the little lady Yeah

I believe all that type of shit I believe that type of shit I don't know Any of that type of stuff But I definitely believe That they show images To make us fucking upset About stuff

You know Seems very easy To defeat terrorism to me All you do is just embrace The electric cars Just make everything electric We stop buying oil from those guys They don't have any money

They go bankrupt And next thing you know They can't afford anything But rocks We're not over there They gradually forget about us They go back to arguing With one another

And we just slowly back away Why don't we just do that? You know why? Because there's no money in that That's what I think But what do I know? Alright, terrified Of a threesome

Can I click on this link up here? What does this link this person sent me? I don't know why Oh, I know why Because I don't have it I gotta click on it When it's in the email When it's in the email

Now how do I find What the fucking email is? Live, reads Boom, I go to that Click on inbox Retrace all my steps Go to the content Scroll down

Click on the link Wait for it to open It is now trying to load Alright, I'll get back to that in a minute In the meantime Terrified of a threesome Hey, parentheses Insert cheap redhead insult here

Huge fan, love your stand-up And efforts for family Thank you I'm a 21-year-old college student Who has a girlfriend That is bisexual and beautiful as well God bless you God bless you, sir

God bless you There's no way you don't believe in God, man God bless you We've talked about Asking girls to join us in bed And are finally getting ready To have it happen The girl that's joining us

Is a girl that the both of us Have gotten with in the past At different times This is perfect The only problem is that I get freaked the fuck out When I think about this happening Both of the women

Involved are hot and experienced Which is what scares me I'm not that astounding Looking of a guy Not that well in doubt As far as my dick goes And not experienced at all Are you gonna talk yourself out of this, dude?

And not experienced at all Compared to these girls How do I get past my fears And relax enough to be Into what's happening And make sure I make it worthwhile For both these ladies

Thanks And go fuck yourself Dude Do not fuck this up Okay The only way you can fuck this up Is to not show up Just show up

And let nature take over Okay, it's alright to be freaked out You're 21 years old You got two fucking smoking hot chicks Wanna fucking bang at the same time That's a lot That's rockstar shit I don't know what you do for a living

But I'm guessing you're not a fucking rockstar So yeah, this is This is fucking great This is a great goddamn thing You know, and if you want to I'd just tell your girlfriend Just be like, yeah, I'm excited and I'm a little Gotta be honest here

I'm a little nervous You guys are both so But just keep painting about Because they're so beautiful Don't worry, relax Just follow my lead Just do that Just be open and honest about it

But don't take it to the fucking point Do you like, don't say all that other shit You know, I'm not the best looking guy I could have had a bigger dick Then she's gonna think Well, what the fuck am I doing this with you for? Don't go that far Alright

Here's the thing, dude You're definitely good looking enough You definitely got a big enough dick Or none of this shit would be happening Right Okay You got called up to the show Okay

Get up to the plate And swing out of your fucking cleats I would let them start Let them start And then you just kind of fucking, you know Work your way in That's all You start making out with both of them

That's it Get some fucking, I don't know I don't know Just, just please Please, dude Please For the someday 48-year-old you Who will probably be doing a podcast by himself

Okay, please Don't fuck this up Okay, don't, do not talk yourself out of this You're getting in your fucking head Alright You've already gotten with both of them She obviously likes your dick She's coming back for more

Your girlfriend's still there This is just like, this is something else, dude And this is a great experience for you To push past all that fucking low self-esteem Alright, so man the fuck up Have a great time Follow up, email please Alright, my girl loves me too much

Aww But I can't love myself at all Alright Hey, Billy Moose Knuckle I always forget what that is I know what a camel toe is I don't know what a moose knuckle is I'm a 22, is that a Canadian camel toe?

I don't know I'm a 22-year-old college student And I've been with my girlfriend for about a year now Things have been great Only problem is That she's got the tendency to tell me I love you Or you're so important to me

Or I adore you at least 15 times a day Without any lead up Oh yeah, that's creepy She just does it out of the boop I guess it's nice to hear But after a point it makes me wonder If she has some underlying issue I'm the first boyfriend

And she's still shocked Even after dating for a year That someone finds her attractive Sorry, hiccups are coming On top of all this Weird and passive-aggressive When I suggest I have a night to myself Saying things like

I guess I'll stay home alone Or I'll just eat leftover soup And watch the Food Network This shit kills me And I usually cave and come over I'm an introvert at heart And need my time alone to recharge And study or read my favorite books

When we're together We mostly watch movies Talk about school Or fuck, which is fine But I need to be alone once in a while I have too much empathy And I'm a pushover Which doesn't help anything

I need some advice Do you think she has an attachment problem Or is it something else? Thanks and go fuck yourself I would just work on your end of it Whatever her issue is It might come to a head When you just say, listen

No, I just need alone time sometimes You know? And let her pout And do whatever the fuck she wants to do And eventually she'll accept that About you Or she'll tell you Why she's too insecure

To not spend a night alone Or she'll flip the fuck out And you'll be like, wow I'm not with the right person But I can tell you this Not doing what you want to do In a relationship Is the quickest way to poison the water

Okay? And I don't mean just going out And fucking around And doing all the shit like that But I mean like You know, if you don't like going to brunch You have to tell them You don't like going to brunch

Now, you still have to go to some brunches But you're not going to be going to them All the time All right? To not tell her That you're an introvert at heart And you need your time alone To recharge and study

And all that type of shit Read your favorite books You know? But she has to respect that About you And you got to respect that about you Okay? Stop giving in to what the fuck she wants

What you You having a night alone Every once in a while Is not a crazy request Okay? And I would do that first And see how she reacts And you might get to the bottom

Of why she has to say I love you And I adore you and all that shit 50 times a fucking day Probably because you're She's probably terrified That it's not going to end well You know?

If she's never had another boyfriend I'm guessing she's around your age Maybe that gave her some sort of complex I don't fucking know This is something for you guys to work out But I got to tell you this right now If you need a long time You got to tell her that

Or else you're going to end up presenting her And the whole relationship is going to Gradually start its fucking downward spiral And that's it And it crashes and burns In the fucking cornfield Okay, that's it That's the podcast for this week

Is that everything that I wanted to talk about? I got Boyzie Idaho coming up This weekend Yes, next weekend I'll be out there with Rose Bowl Tailgate Legend and Puckoff Host All Things Comedy Network

Podcaster Joe Bartnick We're going to have a great time When we're up there That is all Go fuck yourselves I'll check it on you On Thursday