Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-17-23

Episode Date: April 17, 2023

Bill rambles about the Comedy Mothership, MotoGP Austin, and jumping fences.   Digital Experience Tickets for the Monday Morning Podcast Live 4/23 SimpliSafe:  Claim a free indoor security camera plus 20% off your order with Interactive Monitoring at www.simplisafe.com/burr Freeze Pipe: Shop pipes, bubblers, bongs and more at www.thefreezepipe.com and use code BURR for 10% off your entire order. ZipRecruiter:. Try Zip Recruiter for free by going to www.ZipRecruiter.com/burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, April 17th, 2023. What's going on, Hawaii? Yeah. How's it going with you? I just got back from college station in Austin, Texas, and I could not have had a bit. I had such a good fucking time. I think I'm going to go sit over in my fucking chair instead of this chair that I'm sitting in. If I can figure out how to get these wires, the goddamn wires to not be crossed over here, I had a great fucking time. And this is just wasting your time by talking about what a great time I had as I moved shit over. Why wouldn't I do this to begin with? Do my headphones, are they long enough? Will this work? Can this

happen? Can I live the dream? Can I sit in a chair and do a podcast? And I can. It happened, everybody. All right, first things first, thank you to everybody that came out to UT, not UT, oh my God, not UT, that's University of Texas, University of Texas A&M, Texas A&M, agriculture. Thank you for everybody that came out. Arguably, like one of the coolest crowds I've been in front of in a long time. They just were fun. Everybody came out to have a good time. I went out with Dean Delray. We went up there and I don't even know what the fuck I talked to. I rift. They were so much fun. I think I winged like the first 25 minutes of my set just fucking around, making fun of shit, making fun of them, making

fun of myself. And it all worked out. It all worked out. They were fun people. Somebody in the crowd gave me shit about owning a Prius back in the day. We got into that. Then I was telling them that I'm kind of like you guys, and that I'm also buying a big Ford truck that's never going to go off road and I don't really fix anything. And I don't have a ranch. You know, I spend most of my time on YouTube. The sound was amazing. The people there were amazing. Seriously, that college station gig was one of my favorite gigs I've done in a long, long, long time. And why? Why were we out there? By the way, we played the place where the the Aggies basketball team plays. Right. And fucking place was huge.

It was an amazing arena. And someone was telling me that they said they need a they need a new one. It's unreal. It's the environmental fucking disaster. It's like, why do you need a new one? It used to be. Oh, Billy old shoes here. It used to be they would make an arena and they would hold on to the arena so fucking long that everybody who played on the first team, you know, in the first game ever on both sides, everyone was dead. Everyone in the crowd was dead. And then they finally be like, All right, we need to build a new fucking arena. Right. Like the Boston Garden, they kept that for 60 something years. Even that seems quick. But that should be a rule because now it's like that they're making

these arenas. And they go for about 30 years and they're just like, Yeah, we need a new one. Now, something sexier. We have to cater to all the people that don't really give a fuck about a game. You know, with a younger crowd, we got to make sure we got all the fucking bells and whistles, and all of that shit. I don't know, I watched the Bruins against the Canadians, speaking in which their first playoff game tonight against the Florida Panthers. And we'll see, we'll see what happens. Historically speaking, setting a regular season record for wins or points does not mean you win the cup. The last two times it did not happen. By the way, some fucking grouchy old Canadians fan was like, Ty shouldn't count. Ty shouldn't

count the 1977 Montreal Canadians are the greatest team that ever. It's like, Well, what if ties counted back then? They don't count now. You'd still be saying that the 77 Canadians are the greatest team because you're a fucking Canadians fan. You know, it's like congratulations. Yes, you dominated a 16 league that had then expanded to 12. The expansion six were fucking, you know, I don't know, 10 years old, with 12, 13 teams in the fucking league, 15, a couple of WHL teams. Go fuck yourself. You fucking set a record 50 goddamn years ago. You know, also did great 1977, the fucking Bee Gees. I mean, we're talking back then. I love the nightlife. I got to boogie on the disco. Oh, yeah, that

was like play during your championship parade. Not ironically, not ironically, that was actually a hit. Macho macho man. If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, come on, let me know. Please welcome your 1976 77 Montreal Canadians. Everybody on the team look like those old pictures and old barber shops where they show fucking haircuts. Anyway, but what I did love about it was everything great about the Montreal Canadians is at least 30 years old. At this point, 30 years old, go back to Patrick was first fucking championship. Now you're going back 37 years. You know, and then you go back to late 70s, your 40 plus years, you're almost going back half a century. You know, it was great. This Canadians team that played no,

not in this arena. That was the one before that. Anyway, so I wasn't even talking shit. I just said congratulations to the Bruins on an amazing regular season. And then some Canadians fan blue, long a rouge cunt had to write usually. Um, it's like, I don't give a fuck, all right, with your straight sticks and you know, fucking helmets. I think that they had curb sticks back then, but like most of the guys in your team weren't wearing helmets. All right. Why don't you take that fucking record? All right. Make a paper airplane out of it. I'm trying to do it like technology from back then. All right. Why don't you sit down at a typewriter and type out why you think don't send me a fucking email. I want

you to use the technology from back then, take out a feather and write on a fucking scroll and tell me why that that's the greatest fucking, that's the greatest fucking team ever. Jesus Christ. They got absolutely fucking smoked in 1980 by what I think is the greatest fucking hockey team all of all time is those still Wayne Gretzky, still there Edmonton Oilers. You take the best Edmonton Oilers team, whatever one you want, what you want to say 84, 87, right 85, whatever fucking team you want to pick. All right, we'll say 85, 84, 85, somewhere around there. They would fucking smoke the 77 Canadians. I didn't hear anybody from Edmonton, chirping, you know, those oil barons up there looking down at the people

in Calgary with their cattle and their fucking cowboy hats. Anyway, I did really just fucking steered me off to the Canadians make the playoffs this year. I don't even know. Are they waiting for that gold tender to get healthy again? Sorry. Anyway, what is funny is every Canadians fan that I know actually hate for some fucked up reason seems to hate the Toronto Maple Leafs more than the Bruins. It's weird because they always say the Bruins Canadians like rivalry is is the biggest rivalry in hockey or whatever the fuck they are. We're in the big rivalries in sport and they just don't. I think it's because those are American shows. Like I got a buddy of mine. He's a Canadians fan. And he told me, you see, you know, goes

good luck in the playoffs. I hope you guys do all right. I go, you don't mean that with the Bruins. He goes, honestly, I don't give a fuck. He goes, as long as the Leafs don't win it. And I'm like, dude, the Leafs haven't won it. I'm gonna be 55. They haven't won it since a year before. They've won it in 56 fucking years. You got twice as many cups as they do like what? What the fuck do you care? You know, you know, it is. I just think that they're in each other's worlds. I wonder how that all went went south. You know, two beautiful cities, bunch of great people. I don't know. Anyway, so I go to college station. I go up there. I do my set. Dean Del Ray kills. I killed the crowd was fucking amazing. Like

I said, had a great time talking about trucks and guns, fucking feeding animals and acting like they all didn't have the internet. And they knew that that's what I was doing. And they just kind of they went along with it. And then I just talked about, you know, being from, you know, Hollywood, and you know, underage women and our hot tubs and all that shit and they fucking they love it. As long as you shit on everybody, it all works out except every once in a while, somebody gets up fucking, they get all upset. They get their fucking panties in a bunch. Yeah, had to deal with that fucking lately, people getting that fucking panties in a bunch, fucking bunch of babies. Anyway, so the reason I booked that gig there

was because I wanted to go to the Moto GP race, race number three of 2023. And I wanted to I wanted to finally check out this sport live that I've been such a huge fan of. And so we went there Saturday. Dean Del Ray knew some people at Ducati. Dean Dean fucking knows somebody. I swear to God, if you go to Kazakhstan, he would fucking know somebody out there like the guy just knows people. So I go, dude, I'm going to get tickets and blah, blah, blah. He goes, he goes, don't worry. That's like a couple months back. He goes, I do. I know the CEO at Ducati. I've been riding motorcycles for 30 years. I didn't fucking know everybody. I'll get I'll get us in there. He totally hooks us up. We got to go down into the paddock.

And all of these guys that I see on TV, you know, I don't want to fuck up their names, all those Italian guys, Gigi, all of those guys. I met all of them. We got to go into where they were working on the bikes. You know, Packers bike is sitting right there. And what's his face? Basti Annini, however you say his last name, the number one bike, the number 23 bike, fucking Ducati sitting right there. And we were behind like a politician and we just watched him work on it. And we were so geeking out that the guy actually let us come around into the area where they were working, because we just wouldn't shut up asking them fucking questions about those buttons on the left side and all that. He

just cycled through all of it, like the different tractions and all of that and was explaining how they go in the straightaway and the bike will just like you push the button on the back end goes down low, and they just fucking open the throttle up. You know, the day of the race, we saw it and like the front tire is not on the surface, like almost for like three quarters of the straightaway, it looked like, but they could not have been nicer. And then whatever we do, we just walked around the track, we took pictures on the track and then they had this thing, you know, Dean was saying, he goes, Hey, you know, they do this thing for like fans, where you can do a lap around the track on a Ducati. I go get the

fuck out of here. He goes, Yeah, man, he goes, I'm going to do it. And I was like, Ah, fuck, I haven't ridden in 11 years, you know, let me know how that is. He goes, dude, you can do it. You can do it. I don't know, man, like I've probably, I don't even think I've ridden a motorcycle 30 times in my lifetime. I don't know how to do it. You can do it. I'm like, All right, I'll do it. Right. So I thought I was going to be like 10 or 15 fucking people. Dude, I show up. It was like a parade. Like we won a war that it looked like there was a hundred people. Wasn't that many. It was probably like 50 fucking people on motorcycles and everybody is like a motorcycle person. They showed up with their own bikes. They

had all the fucking gear and it comes old fucking Weepy Willy, right? I come in there and I was just like, All right, dude, I want to ride in the back. Let you guys all go nuts. I'll be back here riding half a mile an hour. And one of the guys that gave me the heads up, he goes, you actually don't want to be in the back. You actually want it's safer up front. You follow like a pickup truck that sort of the pace car slash truck around the track because you want to be up front. He goes, people like kind of want to be in the back so they can lay back and run through the gears and he goes, you know, you might get hit. So I'm like, All right. Okay. All right. Whatever. All right. Fuck it. I'm

doing it. All right. So I'm putting on all the shit and they go, you want to get used to the bike? I'm like, Yeah, I would like to, you know, let the clutch out a couple of times so I can kind of not stall with fucking, you know, 50 amped up moms and dads behind me that just want to fucking show why they should be racing MotoGP, you know. So they get me on the bike. And you know, I'm doing it. And I, you know, I'm walking it and I'm getting it going. And I was just sort of laughing to myself like, Oh, like, how the fuck do I get myself involved in this shit? Like my life is literally, it's just one never ending me getting ready to do something I have no business doing. That really is my fucking

life. So much of this shit. Since I started doing stand up, you know, especially in comedy going like Jesus Christ, there's no stage, there's no microphone. What the father? Hey, welcome, Bill. Billy burn. I'd fucking walk out there and get humiliated just constantly this shit, right? So we're waiting to go out on the track. And I'm like, All right, as long as I get this fucking thing going, I'll be fine. And the guy says, All right, just let you know, in the end, we stop on the, the, the line that ends the pits. And at the circuit of the Americas or Coda, as they call it, that's on a steep incline, like the, the, the start finish line is a straightaway that then goes uphill and it turns into turn one. So

I'm sitting there going like, dude, I don't want to stop on that hill because I'm going to have to use the back brake. I don't know how to fuck it. I haven't done that forever. The guy says, Don't worry, we'll stop, we'll stop further. So I say, Okay, good. He goes, we'll do, do the group photo more towards at the top of the hill. We say, Okay, cool. So anyway, we finally get out there. I let out the clutch. It's going, I'm walking it. I get it going and I'm out on the track and I swear to God, it all came back to me. What little I knew, you know, shifted into second gear when I am the hill fucking went around the hill stayed in second gear. Don't fucking tip over, you know, then you go into fucking

turn three, four, five, a little S turn and I'm like, Oh fuck, I remember how to do this. I start going a little faster. First of all, I'm getting fucking passed like you can't. I thought people were going to respect sorting that wasn't was sort of a free for all people were having fun. And these people all knew how to ride and I didn't. So I just made sure I stayed over to the side. But I had a good time went into like turn. You're going to like after turn 10, it's downhill. I downshifted. I'm like, All right, still remember how to do that bike was really forgiving. It was a Ducati di Aval. Absolutely loved the bike. And we ended up going around and by the time I got to like the back stretch, which is the

fastest part of the track, I was doing like fucking, you know, 60 miles an hour, which is, you know, it's fast for me. And I was like, I'm going to buy this bike. And there's something my head going, you have a wife and two kids. I was like, I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. I am I am totally right now in this moment. I'm going to buy this fucking bike, right? Going to turn 12. And then all these crazy turns all the way through like turn 18. And then 19. And then 20. And then you're back on the straightaway. It was it. Everybody flew down. That's when I got it up to 60. Actually, old Billy went up to third gear who couldn't believe it. And it was such a stable bike like the back tire

was as fat as my fucking head. And then we're going ready for the group picture. I'm like, Oh, good, he's going to stop at the top of the hill. I did it. I have nothing to worry about. Nope. Didn't didn't communicate it to the truck. They stopped, you know, three quarters of the way up the hill. And now I'm stopped there. And everybody's trying to like be like in the first row. It was like three rows of people all the way across the track. I got the picture and I'm all the way over the right with one other person to the right. And I got the back brake on and I'm going like Jesus Christ. All right, so you know, give it some throttle as you ease off the clutch, let off the back brake at the same fucking

time. I'm trying to practice doing it. And the longer they're making us wait to go because we're going to go around the track again, the more these people will get amped up and they'd already done the, you know, ridden the track once. So they're behind me. I'm sitting there like, Hey, man, like I just came out here to be in first gear, man. Like I was, and I was just laughing going, I worst case scenario, well worst case scenario, somebody fucking rear ends me, but like, um, they finally take the fucking picture. And then we go off again and I didn't stall it. It was not pretty. I definitely did the head to walk it a little bit in the fucking front tire, left, right, left, right. And then I got going and I was

like, Oh, thank God I didn't do that. And then I was even thinking like, okay, I can ride the second lap faster, you know, typical shithead. That's what I'm thinking. But fortunately, we only went through like a turn one and two. And then there was another pickup block in the track to take us in to go back underneath the track and bring it back. And at that point, I was like, Holy shit, I somehow did this. I was so convinced I was going to stall the bike or I was going to somehow wipe out or something. And I didn't. And after basically going around the track once and doing turn one and two twice, having not had anything bad happen, my ego was literally like, Oh, I could ride the four or five on this thing.

No fucking problem. Like that's, that's how much of a rush it was. I know that's not true. And I'm not going to do that. All right. And I'm going to be saying that to you guys, I'm saying this out loud so I don't do that. I absolutely love that bike. And I always, you know, for the last 11 years, my big regret when I stopped riding motorcycles was that I never got to ride a Ducati. And I talked to Dave Chappelle one time and he goes, Do you ever ride a Ducati when I'm still riding? I kind of stuck with the Harleys. And he was like, Oh man, he goes, You ride a Ducati, you'll never go back. And that always stuck with me. And I was like, What the fuck is with the Ducati? I got to know and I never

did it. And whenever I would do Largo, when you drive down La Cienega, there's this Ducati dealership and I owe it every fucking time. I wouldn't even be thinking I was like muscle memory. My head would turn to the left. And I would look and I would think, Yep, here's those beautiful red bikes. I'm never going to fucking ride. And who knew I'd finally get to ride one and I'd get to do it there. And I get to go see the Moto GP race. So let's get to that. First of all, thank you to everybody at Ducati. Like that was literally I mean, I'm going to think about riding that bike around that track on my deathbed. You know, that's going to be one of the things that comes around like as sad as I'll be that my

life is over and the fun's going to end. I'm going to be like, You know what? I had a great life. Beautiful wife, two beautiful kids. I got to tell jokes for a living. And I got to ride a Ducati Diablo around a Moto GP official fucking racetrack. And I mean, it was just it was on I can't I can't thank anybody who was involved in somehow getting me to do it from Dean to everybody at Ducati. It was fucking unbelievable. And I did not come down off of that high yet. I still haven't. I still haven't like we me and Dean, you know, shared a car back from LAX. And I just looked at my good dude, we rode Ducati's around the circuit. What I can't keep forget what they call it. I keep on saying Kota because I'm a Led Zeppelin

fan. Kota COTA Circuit of the Americas track. It was unreal. And then they had like they had a sprint race on Saturday, which I didn't know that they did. They do it so they'll attract more fans on Saturday. And it actually counts for like half points. And I want to say Pekka won that one. Pekka won that one. And then it was like it was such an amazing day Saturday, I was actually worried that the races weren't going to live up to riding a bike around the fucking track. So it gets better that night. I text everyone we drive back, you know, we're back in Austin, and I text everyone over Joe Rogan's new club, the comedy mothership. I was going over there to fucking check that place out, which I already

saw like most of you I saw the videos on the internet. I was like, my God, this place looks amazing. And I went in there and I'm not I'm not even like, I'm not going to even just mince words here. That's the greatest comedy club I've ever fucking been in. And I've been in some fucking great ones. You know, Caroline's. These are the best ones I was in before Joe's Caroline's hilarities in Cleveland. Comics, the one that when it was in the meatpacking district went out of business, Gotham, the stand. Those were like, like, so nice. You're like, how is this still a comedy club? Because you used to be in like smaller holes in the wall or whatever, you know? And I went to the Rogan one and I don't even know where

to begin. All I can tell is when you go in that place, you can tell that every fucking thing on the wall on the floor on the ceiling, sight lines, everything in that place was painstakingly gone over to make sure that it was absolutely perfect. And that's what I kept telling Joe. He goes, how do you like the club? And I was like, dude, it is fucking perfect. It's fucking perfect. Um, you have to like the colors of the booth, the, the Mitzi's place, I think that's what it's called the bar downstairs. The main room, the smaller room I only did I did to I did set Saturday and Sunday there in the smaller room. And I love that place in Harlan Williams. What do you say there freckles? He was there in

the main room. So I got to see him, um, headline that place and, uh, yeah, just the green room, the food, the whole thing was amazing. And I knew that he would have this option. I was like, if a comedian is designing the club, he's going to have the option that you can either deal with the crowd or not deal with the crowd. Meaning when your set is over, if you want to go out and talk to the crowd, AKA you had a good set or maybe, maybe you didn't, maybe you pissed a few people off. And when you go behind the curtain, you just want to stay there and you can get to the green room without having to deal with anybody. It is fucking amazing. Um, but the coolest thing that combined, um, two huge worlds

of mine, stand up comedy and Stevie Ray Vaughan, Stevie Ray Vaughan, I guess played that place when it was, it was called the Ritz back in the day. And, uh, well, that's another thing. It was, it was like a punk club and he had for wallpaper in the green room, all like the actual posters of all of these punk bands, you know, circle jerks, misfits, all of these classic bands. I'm not a big punk band guy. I'm not cool. I was listening to disco as you heard when I was making fun of, uh, let's make it fun of the Canadians. Um, but Stevie Ray Vaughan played there in like 1983 and Joe somehow got somebody to find photos of him playing there. And for big Stevie Ray Vaughan fans, it was that time in his career, right

before he started wearing a cowboy hat on stage and he had that, that sort of that Kang, not Kango style. I don't want you to call it like the Brian Johnson style hat that he had when, you know, right from when he was Stevie Ray Vaughan and triple threat and he had a woman in the band before he got with Chris Layton, Tommy Shannon, double trouble before they added Reese. Yeah, kind of into, into those guys. Um, anyway, he had these two amazing, like life-size photos of Stevie Ray Vaughan. Stevie Ray Vaughan is like one of those artists that I find transcends what he does. Like he's so good at what he does. Even though you don't like, you know, I tell jokes, I don't play guitar. He's so fucking

good at it. It's like, like, I want to get better at what I like. How do you become, how do I become the Stevie Ray Vaughan of what I'm doing? Which obviously is impossible. I mean, that guy's, that guy's a once in a century talent, but it makes, but it does make you dig deeper and try to get better. So to see those, those pictures and also just to know that you're in a place that, that, that guy played in, like I really feel that when you perform in a place like that, like whatever they did, the magic of it is somewhere there. If you're into that spiritual shit, which I actually am. So I went down there that night, Joe wasn't there, so I had to see him. So I made sure

the next night I went down there again to hang out with him. But, you know, Adam Ray was down there too, one of my favorites. And I met a couple of comedians there. This guy William that was hosting, I'd never got his last name. He was funny as hell. And then I brought this kid up that I thought was great, uh, named, uh, Miles Johnson was really funny. Just really, you know, and the club also had open mic night, which is something that went away during my standup career. It was how an open mic night was crucial for new comedians. And it was crucial for the comedy clubs to keep, you know, it was like the draft, you know, you had to keep developing new, new, uh, new comedians to keep the scene alive.

And, um, I always felt that one of the big mistakes that so many comedy clubs did was they stopped having open mic nights and then it just became like, like the dust bowl, where you just keep farming on the same land until it's just, you know, nothing grows there anymore. You know, so, um, that was another great thing. And it's right on six street and it's just, you know, um, I mean, six streets a little loud for me in my old ears, but like it is, you feel like that excitement of youth and that type of thing coming down the street. So that that's another great energy to have in the club. I can't say, like Joe absolutely fucking picked the perfect venue and crushed it. It's unbelievable. So anyway, so that

all happens. That's Saturday, killer show Friday at college station, um, which by the way, Chris Layton drama for Steven Ray Vaughn came out to with one of his buddies. I'm dropping names all over the place. I don't give a fuck. All right. I'm still giddy. Um, so that was Saturday, one of the greatest days on the road I've ever had. And then Sunday we still get to go to the race and we showed up and, uh, all the races were great. I would say the best race of the day was the moto, uh, moto three race, um, which I was so psyched because I haven't seen one of those races since they stopped having them on TV. They do have them on their website, but like I get so fucking busy that I only watch the moto

GP. So for those who don't watch the sport, there's, there's moto three, moto two, and then the top level and moto three is like 17, 18 year old future fucking, you know, cars of moto GP on their way up and, uh, they all get the same engine. They almost look like those cafe racers and it was this absolutely fucking insane race where, um, this number five and I forget the other guy, they kept swapping the lead and then the lead guy crashed and he just sort of low sided it on the, on the, uh, like turned 14 or 16 or something like that, somewhere over there. And, uh, the dude right behind him, number five had to slow down and in slowing down, he went from second and being on the podium to being

like fifth or sixth and there was only two laps to go. And dude, this guy, I don't know who this kid is, but he raced angry, man. He fucking just went all out past two guys and one fucking turn, I believe, and worked his way all the way back up to second place again. Um, crowd was going crazy and then the next one was Moto two and, uh, I'm a Joe Roberts fan, you know, I got a route for the Americans here and he's got the red, white and blue bike and he was in, uh, I think he was in sixteenth and he got all the way up to ninth at one point and, uh, I think there was something going on with the bike because he was riding great. Uh, but I got to watch him. He ran great and, uh, that was another

amazing, um, race. And then the last one, the Moto GP one was crazy because it was really windy. Like on Saturday was hot, but, uh, on Saturday was really windy and like on the first lap, like three guys, like just fucking wiped out. Um, I don't know what was going on. Like they said something about the tire pressure in the front tire and the wind was just taking these guys out and like, I think like nine riders went down, not getting bumped or anything, just going into a turn and the bike just went out from underneath him. I think with the wind or something like that, I have no idea, but unlike the first, on the first lap, like, um, like I Fabio, Jean, Jean Antonio, whatever his name is riding that

light blue Ducati, he, he low sided and then slid into his own teammate, Alex Marquez just took him right out. I mean, they, they, they could have been more than four turns into the fucking race and $2 million of motorcycles and an entire team were out. I forget who else wiped out. I don't know if it was Jack Miller or something like that. There was so many big names that went down. Of course, uh, uh, is it Pekka or Pekka, uh, Francesco Begni, I don't know how to say his name. He fucking, he was in first place, the second race in a row. He low sided and didn't get any goddamn point. He did get to 25, I think in the sprint race, but I'm totally back into this sport. I had a great time. Alex Rins

ended up winning it and they asked me the night before they go, Hey, do you want to present the trophy club soda called me up? Hey, they want to know if you want to present the trophy. And I'm like, for what? They're like the, the guy who wins the MotoGP. I'm like, they want me to do that. Doesn't that like a hot chick does that? They're like, they're asking you. And I always say no to that shit. I'm always like, no, no, no, I'm not going to do that. That's, that's, uh, I could barely run a motorcycle. That's stupid. I shouldn't do that. That's outside my wheelhouse, but I was just like, I give, I'll do that. I don't give a fuck, right? So I show up the end of the race. They bring me down there.

I'm standing behind the fucking podium and I'm watching like these guys as they come in first, second and third place guy and their teams going nuts and they're all screaming and how psyched they are. I've always seen that on TV, but to see it live, the energy is crazy on the other side where I was sitting. I saw them bringing in all the bikes that wiped out on this sad little golf cart that brought it into the trailer. So fucking funny, man, to see a bike that can go 220 fucking miles an hour, get brought in on a little golf cart towed in. Um, so I'm sitting back there and, uh, I'm like, I'm, they're really going to have me do this. And then when I got back to like, no, you just, I, I, I only

had handed out, I didn't hand out one to any of the writers. I was the first guy. I got to post the video. It's fucking hilarious. All right. I, I, I brought out the trophy for the, uh, what is it? The builders, whatever they call it. Um, Honda won that day. So they, they, you know, they, they won the builders championship or something at the thing. So it was this little trophy and they go, uh, the person announcing goes, and to present the builders trophy. He goes, American comedian, Bill Burr, right? And there was like a golf clap, right? And of course I couldn't just walk right to the guy. I had to walk all the way past the other writers and I was, I just felt like such a shithead, right? But I was

still also like geeking out that I was there and, uh, I fucking handed the Honda guy shook his hand. Oh, and the Ducati guys had given me a shirt and they, they were like, you can't wear that out there. So somebody gave me their sport coat to wear out there. So I don't know why, whatever. Um, and then I stood there and then the guy that runs all of Moto GP, you know, he handed out all the trophies and, uh, right. And I was thinking like, Oh fuck, they're going to spray each other with champagne. I don't, I don't want to be a part of this. The guy who handed out the trophies was walking away and he just goes, me, he goes, they're going to spray champagne. I go, all right, thank you. Thank you for telling me that because

this isn't my sport coat. And then I, I was able to get the fuck out of there. Um, yeah, that was my weekend. Then I went down and I did the open mic at Joe's club and I hung out with Rogan and Tony and everybody. We just had a fucking Dean. We just had a fucking blast. I don't know why all of a sudden I just felt guilty telling you guys all of this shit. I don't know why. Yeah. I probably should have left the trophy part. I think you guys were like, all right, Bill, we get it. You had a good fucking weekend. You asshole. You want to hear about my weekend? I was supposed to have it off and then they fucking called me in cause Susie cunt cakes got the mumps and now I, and I, and I got a fucking, I

got to deal with that shit I got to cover for, you know, I didn't have to, but they said, you know, we'd really appreciate it if you would come in. Sorry. This might be Catholic guilt. I apologize. I had a make a wish weekend, right? And I'm not even sick. I am as healthy right now as you guys are sick of hearing about my weekend. Look at that. 38 fucking minutes. I just talked about, um, anyway, uh, Pekka, Pekka, that's how you say it. Jack Miller, Brad binda. Oh, Nakagami was another guy. He wiped out. Um, I think all of those guys wiped out. There's like a couple of teams that just, I don't know. It was unreal. I want to tell you too, this is the first time I went to Austin and I realized

why people move there. You know what it is? They visit Austin in April. All right, but you really need to go there in the summertime. Okay. That's when you separate the men from the real Texans. If you can handle 106 degrees, but it's got to, you know, it's got great food and a really cool vibe. And you know, I get it. I never got it. I spent, you know what, I spent three days there. I was like, all right, I get this. I get this. Um, I would still live outside the city though, but that ever happens. I'm going to, I'm going to fucking live in the middle, you know, but then if you live in the middle of nowhere, then your neighbors are scary. You know, they got like that. Think the way I do, you know, you know, people like

don't like when you don't think the way they do. And then they try to hurt you like psycho liberals. Think the way we think, or we will end your, say what we say, or we will end your career, you know, and then you got psycho conservatives, you know, think the way we think we will shoot you. Um, all right. That's probably, you know, that was cartoon versions of both sides, but it was, it was, it was fair, right? I trash both. Um, anyway, okay. So this is what I have coming up. Um, if you want to go to this live in person, the live MMP that I'm doing at the legendary troubadour, um, who've been so great to me and a bunch of people went down there and did shows for them during COVID to make sure they would

be okay because they've been so great to artists for all of these fucking years and shit joke telling comics like myself. Um, people have been doing shows there and they were able to survive. So I'm continuing to go down there because I love that place. Um, so many of the bands that I grew up listening to got their big break there or did shows there and all of that shit. So it's going to be at the troubadour. If you are in Los Angeles area and you would like to be in attendance for the live Monday morning podcast worldwide stream event happening April 23rd at noon. Uh, tickets will go on sale at the time this podcast is published. Go to, uh, troubadour.com right now. Limited tickets are available.

There's like a hundred, I think tickets available and, um, it's going to be a great time and, uh, someday I got to do a run a stand updates there. You know, I would love to do that. Um, and by the way, I am going to go back at some point if Rogan will have me and I will headline that club, uh, hopefully sometime soon. I'm trying to like line it up where it works out. Um, but I'm definitely going to do it, man. God damn it. That place was beautiful. All right. Let's do some reads here. Everybody's simply safe. Simply safe. Uh, who's playing to do. Hey, hey everybody. Who's planning to do some spring cleaning this year? Uh, dust those hard to reach places, clean out that closet. You know, the one.

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in fucking Greenland. All right? You got a goddamn inkluda bill. Give me somebody with some, their own fucking mittens. See for yourself. Go to this exclusive web address to try Zip Recruiter for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash burr. Again, let me spell it. Z-I-P-R-E-C-R-U-I-T-E-R. That's tough. Zip Recruiter. R-E-C-R-U-I-T-E-R. That's Recruiter. There's one back in the day that would have knocked me out of the spelling bee. Recruiter. The word is Recruiter. I'd be like Recruiter. R-U-C. Sit down, Mr. Burr. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash burr. Spell out burr. B-U-R-R. Zip Recruiter. The smartest way to hire. Oh, I love how I did that. That's my favorite part of the podcast. That little pause. The smartest way to hire. Bam. Nailed

it. I like lazy young men. Hey, Bill Bow Bergens. Love the show. Thank you. I figured out what's wrong with the world. Oh, did you figure it out? Oh, thank everybody. Put your brains on hold. This guy figured it out. I figured out what's wrong with the world. Too many young men these days want to sit around making YouTube videos. Podcasts. Hey, I'm offended. Or fuck on only fans. It pains me to see a room full of healthy fit young men talking shit into a microphone when they could be building bridges and roads. What, for some fucking cunt with a top hat? Blowing out your fucking back? Fuck that shit. Build a goddamn bridge. They're already built. No, I'm kidding. I know what you mean. I'm a sewer

worker in Australia and even though the work is shit, pun intended, I earn enough to support my family easily. Pay a mortgage, put my kids through private school and go skiing a couple times a year. Okay, so you're going to try to get a guy to stop podcasting to go work on the town's shitter? I don't know about this argument, buddy. The lesson is hard and shitty work pays well. Oh, there you go. A call to young men to stop fantasizing about being a fucktard with a microphone and get out there, help with the labor shortage. Get your hands a little fucking dirty and put some hair on your chest. As for you, Bill, you're too old to swing spanners. I don't even know what that means. Keep making us laugh with

your microphone, mate. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. That's a hard sell. If somebody's actually making money podcasting, I will take blue collar jobs, the people you work with are great. It's fun as hell. But I can't, I can't act like I'm a hard worker. I lasted like eight days doing construction and I still talk about it. I was a grunt. I was like fuck. I don't know where the fuck I am in the packing order of the world, but this is I can't. I'm what am I going to I'm going to somehow become a Finnish carpenter or an electrician? I mean, I could have done it through like memorization, but not through like having the gift. So I kind of went away from that. But I know what you mean, I guess. Don't worry, they're gonna

have robots soon, right? There we have they have robots on the subway platform in New York City. Now how long do you think before somebody fucking kicks that thing over the edge in front of a train? I mean, that's gonna happen at some point. They call it the snitch bot. All right, centrist fuck. Here we go again. You know, why can't it just be a person that, you know, tries to listen to both sides before he makes a decision? You either on this side or the wrong side. Shut the fuck up. Fucking manbunt cunt. Centrist. I love how liberals just they got a fucking word forever. They're supposed to be liberal. Why are they always name calling? I understand the fucking conservative cunts. You know, they like everything from the N word to

whatever the fuck, right? But like liberals that they do, he's centrist. He's a centrist. Oh, God, with your hairy pits. All right, William, words a lot. You know, we've reached a point in history where you get insulted for wanting a society where nobody gets everything, but everybody gets something. Nobody gets everything. Oh, nobody hoards all of it, but everybody gets something. You get insulted for that. The purity tests on either pole of the political spectrum are equally as intolerant, maddeningly, maddeningly so. Yeah, that's why I have somehow, you know, maybe that's a good argument for people to call you centrist. It's like, everything, maybe a few liberals weren't such fucking intolerable cunts while calling yourselves

liberal. I could fucking, you know, listen to you a little more, you know, and I'm not into the conservative side either, Lloyd. That's just like, it just should just be for white people, which really is what so much of their shit comes down to. And then you have the other people, it's just like, you know, we got a fucking, you know, whatever the fuck they're talking about. You say, use these words or you can, I'm gonna fucking come at you. I don't even know. I don't even give a fuck. I can't even, I can't even make a fucking intelligent argument for either side. I'm just sick of them. I'm sick of you can't even look at a fucking pickup truck on Instagram without somebody like politicizing it. You know, hey, snowflake, this is what a

real truck sounds like. You fucking dick sucking snowflake. It's just like, I, I can't just enjoy this F 150. You know, I don't give a fucking started then liberals out here, fly over state. It's like, you're from that state, you douche. I get it. Somebody hung you by your underwear from the door and now you can never go back there. And you think just because you moved that you're somehow successful. All right. See, I'm not a centrist cunt. I'm a separatist. All right. Though I don't personally subscribe to either of the major parties, there is one streak of libertarianism that makes sense. My rights and where yours begin. I like that.

You know, I don't want to, I don't want to be the guy telling somebody what the fuck they can and can't do. But I also don't want somebody doing something that, you know, is fucking with my ability to be happy. You know, we, we should just, okay, Hey, I want to do this. You want to do that. Let's find a fucking middle ground. I don't understand what the problem with that is. Anyways, it says E Pluribus Unum. I don't know what that means on lots of USA, USA stuff like our coins. Oh, I'm supposed to go USA, USA stuff like our coins, but Americans don't know Latin. Most people don't know Latin. People always shitting on America. You know what I mean? You're just jealous of our movies

and our blue jeans, man. It means out of many one. All right. Can you now tell me what that means? Out of many one. Oh, all of us make one. Jesus Christ. How fucking annoying was that whole fucking paragraph? Most of you guys, you know, Americans don't know Latin. Here's the Latin phrase. And here's what it means in English. And I, I'm still not smarter or more informed. Anyway, being able to consider both sides of an argument is now a radical school of thought that puts you in the crosshairs of the left and the right, which proves my point. Oh, what happened here? We're just listening to you make a point. You didn't prove your point. Someone who doesn't agree with you then says, you know what? You proved your point. Did you just bestow that fucking

victory on yourself? Huh? You fucking self ribbon given motherfucker. Sorry. Those that claim their side is the tolerant one is completely full of shit. That's true. They're both completely intolerant and the extremes, the extremes of both sides. I don't see why I should have to be at work between a Bible misappropriating holy roller and a non binary pansexual who identifies as a ferret. What gives either of them the right to try and bend the world to their distorted way of thinking? Just shut up both of you. And that's not because I'm intolerant. It's because I have other shit to deal with. And you're putting it in my front yard. Thank you. Exactly. Just shut up. I don't give a fuck what you're doing. Just stop. You know, the fucking dictators, man. Anyway, maybe I need

sensitivity, reeducation. By the way, I'm still laughing from the Forest Hill Stadium show last August. That was another phone one. Yeah, I kind of agree with that. And I guess that makes you like a centrist like, you know, I listen to people, you know, try to listen to what they're saying. I get it. You're into your guns. I don't want to take them from you unless you're a fucking lunatic. And okay, you identify as whatever the fuck you are. Right. I'll do my best to use the right pronoun. But you know, I have a life to that I have to get to. And if I say the wrong pronoun, I don't want to listen to you fucking flipping out about it. You know, I got to keep my head on it on a swivel kick of ginger days coming up. Or did it go by? I don't

know. It's one of the best things about shaving my head. My shins thank my head every day. Once a year. Anyway, yeah, I think most I can be honest with you, I think most conservative people and most liberal people are I think most of us are sort of the way you describe it. It's like, all right, okay, I get it. You know, everybody fucking relax. We stop yelling at each other. It's so dumb. I know, Bill, you say this every episode. I know, I know. Sorry. Anyway, naming my kid Robinson. All right, dear Mr. Billy tits, I am contemplating having a kid soon and thinking that naming it Robinson would be cool. I think it would be it would work as a boy or a girl name. It is a cool name because of Jackie Robinson and Robinson cano. It also has lots of good nick

names for different stages of life. If it's a boy, his nickname could be Robbie, Rob, Bob, Bobby, etc. Lots of cool sounding nicknames. So he will probably have lots of friends, right? Depends if he's good at sports or not. Yeah, because if you have an uncoordinated boy, and he's named after Robinson cano or Jackie Robinson, then I don't know. Who knows if it were a girl, she could go by Robin. So what do you think Billy red nuts is Robinson a good name for my first kid? Yeah, you know, if you like it, I'm not good at that shit. I don't I have to know what your last name is. You know, it's not Caruso, is it? I would I think it's more of a boy name. You know,

yeah, I would think that you know, I'll be honest with you, I'm not good at that shit. Shit. My wife is good at that shit. And but then once she picks the name and I hear it, I'm like, that's a fucking good name. That is a good name. Yeah, I suck at that shit. I'm not good at like this. All of that type of stuff I suck at. You know, naming shit, like there was going, you got to come up with a name for your tour. And I'm just like, I bald cunt tells jokes. We can't put that on a poster. I don't what what do you want to call it? Bill Burr pays his mortgage. I can't even say mortgage pays his mortgage. How about that? Can we call it that? No, something that's got a little flow a little fair. Not good at that. I'm not good

at decorating a room or a man cave or any of that shit. I'm just not I whatever that is. I'm not good at that. So don't ask me about kid names. I don't want I don't want to do that. I agonize over that shit because I'm just like, what is the name that I can give them that will give them the easiest life? I just don't want to have somebody, some of these fucking names that some people have given their kids. Jesus Christ. And I don't want to say the names because they're the names of actual people. They don't need the fucking headache. But good Lord, we get it. You're interesting. Oh my God, what an interesting fucking name. This is my son faucet. Ultimate date fumble. What's up you miserable ADD cunt? I want to argue that but I can't. For some reason, having you

yell in my ear twice a week has tricked my brain into trusting you. So I'd like to tell you about one of my most embarrassing moments. I asked out this hot lady from my class. Look at you. Good for you. And we were having a nice time on our first date. We were driving around and ended up at this playground near our apartments. It had been raining all day. So everything was nice and wet. We were walking towards the fence and in a moment of douchebaggery, I asked her if she could hop a fence. She said yes. And I then attempted to oh no. And I then attempted to clear this wet fence in one smooth motion to impress this sexy little broad. I completely wiped out. Oh my God. I immediately pictured like Jim Carrey and dumb and dumber, you know, making some confident face

that you just fucking because I ended up on my ass with my arm and hand completely scraped up and bleeding profusely. On the other hand, she jumped over it like a normal human being and got over it with no trouble. Oh, does the humiliation ever end? I laughed it off as best I could but lost all my mojo after that. Kind of hard to make a move when you're covered in blood. We never went out again. And of course, she was in my lab group the next semester. So I had to work closely with her for months. Do you have any embarrassing date stories with all due respect? Go fuck yourself. Yeah, yeah, of course I do. Of course I do. They're too embarrassing to even even what do I even begin?

Embarrassing date stories I mean everything. Like the one that comes to my mind, I just don't want to tell. It's really because I just don't want to embarrass. You know what I mean? Like you can tell your story, right? And nobody knows who you are or who the fucking person I don't want to tell my story out of like, you know, consideration for the other fucking person. All right, I never hop defense. But I definitely. All right, I can tell I think I can tell this one because I didn't date this person for too long. I remember one time I fucking I was dating this chick, right? Or whatever we were doing. I thought we were just banging. She thought it was a relationship. So that was something I learned too. If you're just

banging a chick, you can't bang them more than once in a month. You got to go six, six weeks and then really not talk to them. And then not there'll be no or you could just tell them. That's what it is. They never tell guys that when we're young. Just just tell them what the fuck you want. Right? Right now, there's a bunch of women going, yeah, well, that works both ways. So don't get all fucking excited. All right, you guys don't exactly communicate to with your fucking riddles of body language or whatever the fuck we're supposed to be picking up. All right, here's one for you. This is just embarrassing in general. So I grew up in a overly testosterone neighborhood family. I mean, I think even all the dogs in

my neighborhood were male. It was just like a fucking sausage fest. So I didn't know and all I played was fucking sports. And I didn't know shit about women. You know, I didn't know what they liked what they went to. I had no fucking clue. So I go out to the world, right? I was a late bloomer. And I was introverted psycho, right? So I get I think this was my second girlfriend, second or third, I can't remember what all I know was was her fucking birthday was coming up. And I was like, Jesus Christ, what the fuck do I don't I don't I have no idea what to get a woman for a gift. I had no idea. And I was on the road. I just started doing comedy. And I went into a mall to try and find her something. I think I've told this story before.

I don't know why this is so fucking embarrassing. You know what I got her? I you know, like, you know, like those polo style shirts that like, you know, people were in the 80s, you know, sort of the date rapist fucking shirt, like the alligator ones, the eyes odds, like the polo. I bought her three of those. And I wrapped them up nicely. And I gave her a card and she was all excited. I say, happy birthday. Got you something. I remember I was I was in her bedroom. She had this apartment. And I was so fucking nervous. I was just going, Oh my God, please, please, like, let her like this. And she opened it up. And she took the first one out. And she held it up and she had a puzzled look on her face. And then she took the next one out.

And then she just went like, what is what is this? What? What? And then she took the third one, realized that that's all it was. And she got mad. Because what? Why would you buy me this? This is like stupid. And she just started, she started like, not yelling, but loud talking about how fucking awful the gift was. And I didn't know what to do. I literally sat down on the bed and was like, looking down at the floor. Is she like sort of berated me? I mean, looking back, she was right. I was a fucking idiot. But I also got you something for your birthday, you fucking asshole. So I finally regained my footing after about 90 seconds of getting bawled out, as we used to call it, getting yelled at. Dude, I got fucking bawled out in second period. Teacher's a douche.

Anyway, she fucking yells at me for, I don't know, like, 90 seconds. I don't know how long it was. It was fucking humiliating. And then I just got mad. Surprise, surprise. I was just like, I was like, all right, so you know, you know, you don't fucking like it. What is she give you a fucking birthday? You yelling at me? And then she kind of realized she was like, no, no, I'm sorry. And I was like, ah, go fuck you. Right. And I just said that not because I wasn't accepting her apology, it was because I was so fucking embarrassed. I just wanted to get out of there. You know, like, ever see a baseball manager sometimes just absolutely flip out about the littlest thing. And it's just like, did he really do that to get his team going? Or did he just not

feel like managing today? Like, Jesus Christ, 162 fucking games a year. Oh my God. Hey, that wasn't a strike. Go fire you fat fuck. Fuck you. Fuck you. Hit the showers. All right, thanks. How was the game, honey? Oh, great. I only had to do three innings. Why? What happened? Nothing. I just got sick of listening to people spitting. All right, that's the podcast, everybody. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to Joe Rogan for building that comedy club, investing his own money in it and just making this absolute palace for comedians to work out and have open mics. Thank you to everybody, Ducati, MotoGP. Thank you for Dean Delray for introducing me to those people. I just had the greatest weekend. And of course,

to the great club, SodaKetti. Just a fucking awesome weekend. We had a great time. Thank you everybody in Austin, people in College Station, all of that. And thanks to you guys. It works for all of us the United Way. All right, go fuck yourselves and I will check in on you on a Thursday.