Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-18-11

Episode Date: April 18, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles out religion, the apocalypse, the Reagan Library, and STD's

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We're Marc- Anyway Enjoy Pazen and Ramadan With the Margable and different awaitage of Albert Heijn And surely in my second series, on thew valtie.be Komt operate! Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast For Monday, April 18th, 2011

Fuck! I almost said it perfectly I was so focusing on saying 2011 Clearly I fucked up April Did you catch that? I say April 18th Let me try that again Bill Burr starts his podcast, hey too Hey, what's going on everybody?

It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast For April 18th, 2011 I can't say without slowing down Like some second grader trying to read out of his book Greenfield USA Did anybody else read that one? I was talking to somebody the other day That's the last geography class I had

In the United States of America was in second grade I read a book called Greenfield USA And I loved it They talked about all the different goddamn states You know, they talk about the hot land And they'd show us a little picture of some farmer With a cow holding a bottle of milk And I remember thinking, wow, I wish I lived on a farm

And I had a cow My little imagination running wild And they just cut it out And now look, look at Americans You know, we can't find shit anymore Somebody was telling me the other day They were quizzing these college kids And kids were putting like Delaware

Like where New Hampshire is You know To me, that is a fucking deal breaker Like if I was dating a girl The hottest girl on the goddamn planet And if she thought Delaware was where New Hampshire was You know I would end that relationship

Within eight months Because she's hot, I continue fucking her And then, uh Hopefully I'd get tired of her But in the back of my head, it would just be keeping This bitch doesn't know where the states are Well, why would that matter? I mean, everybody has a talent

Everybody has their good side And their bad side Why don't women just defend every fucking woman out there? Is it because there's more of you than there are of us? Is that what it is? So you just got to be constantly spinning Broad shit in a positive way As you guys just sit there fucking battling with each other

Huh? Is that what it is? I don't know Why is my head so fucking itchy this week? Um, are you supposed to wash your hair every day? I hear different things You're not supposed to, are you? You're supposed to let your natural oils Produce

Is that what it is? You know, walking around like some stinky European You know, getting off your fucking awful Pee Wee Herman bicycle What is it with Europe and those old bicycles? Is it because you guys have such small roads over there? Is that what it is? That you guys can't progress in a bicycle kind of way? You know?

Is that why we win the Tour de France every year? When we go over there and all those You ever see the bikes that they ride? Even like the bikes that they ride in the Tour de France The Italian bikes are terrible Horrible bikes I'm just trying to get them going Just in case I have any Italian fucking listeners over there

Polissimo! Manja, manja! You know bad I want to fucking go to Italy and just gain 900 pounds? Evidently you don't Because they haven't fucked with their food over there I've been reading more and more about food Basically what we eat over here is The closest thing to straight up poison

I don't even think we're fat lazy fucks I just think they're poisoning us Um, like I guess the pasta over there in Italy Is like, I don't know, doesn't Gluten free, whatever the fuck that means I don't know what gluten is But evidently you don't want a lot of it in your pasta And there's shit over there

It's gluten free I don't know if that means there's no gluten over there Or the gluten they have is not oppressed Like it is in this country I don't know what it is But all I know is those motherfuckers over there They just eat spaghetti all day They have conversations with the shit hanging out of their mouth

Using their tie as a napkin And everybody has a Ferrari Isn't that what it is? Do you guys know what I did this week? You know what I did this fucking week? I actually went down and I finally decided I'm getting a second car I decided to fuck it

I'm telling you, that shit over there in Japan really fucked with me You know, considering I live on a fault line Alright? I realize I need to live for today And I also realize I need to be prepared In case some of that shit went down I'm going to take a big step And securing my perimeter

Is all them good old boys Do down the south Everybody makes fun of them We're all just bunch of stupid rednecks Right? Those rednecks are the smartest motherfuckers on the planet As far as they are ready For when the shit goes down

They're ready They got trucks, they got guns They know how to kill shit They know how to fuck it They know how to do all of that They know how to head for the hills man They know how to do that They live in the middle of fucking nowhere

The great thing about living in the middle of fucking nowhere Is you don't have that many games on your schedule You know what I mean? You live in the city You got a full schedule Of potential zombies and whatever Coming over the fucking goddamn rail Trying to run up the stairs of your apartment

They're going to overrun you They're going to take your shit And fucking have sex with your dead body Jesus Bill, really? Yeah, really, that's how it goes down in the apocalypse Those rednecks, they live in the middle of nowhere They got a big field all around their house They got like 12 kids

So they can all look out every fucking window Who's kidding who? They can put four kids for their three windows In each window On all sides of their little fucking outhouse There's no way to sneak up on them You know, you got to crawl in your fucking elbows You're not going to do it

You're going to leave them alone They live in the middle of fucking nowhere But when you live in the city That's when you got to get worried Unless you're lucky enough to live in a gated community Gated community You know, why did I say that twice? Pick up the papers

Pick up the papers, you know The gated community Or you've stolen so much from regular people That you feel the need to live behind a fucking wall You know? Have you guys noticed that on Google Maps That when you try to take the little guy And bring him down into a gated community

They won't let it do it You know? Why are they so fucking special? What did they do? You know? Can you guys do me a favor? Do not do this You shouldn't do this

I'm not advocating doing this wink wink But uh Why don't you sprays paint something on the wall Outside a gated community That just makes those people not feel so goddamn comfortable You know? I'm sick of them being cowzy smug cunts Just sitting in there thinking everything's going to be alright

Just do something Don't do anything to any of them Just spray paint Nothing crazy Like hey fuckers you're next Um Where's the bailout? I don't know what the fuck Just write something that's vague

That kind of includes all of them So they don't know who's the target Just so they're a little bit nervous when they're in there Eating their gluten free pasta That they have flown in You know? Oh so anyway so you know what I did I went out to this

Oh Jesus what the fuck did I just do? Oh I thought I just hit the erase button No so anyway so I went down to this place Where they specialize in old mustangs And I went down there And I was going to uh I was going to order one And just say fuck it this is the year I want This is what I want on it

Tell me how much it fucking costs and I'm going to book some road gigs And uh Dude the level of Catholic guilt Even though I don't even fucking Believe in that shit anymore I don't believe in it Okay? I don't know if you go somewhere when you die

Or any of that type of shit But I know all this fucking religious stuff Other than the basics The ten commandments which you know You really could have made one commandment Just don't be a cunt Right? Isn't that what it's all about?

Don't be a cunt What's wrong with you? Hey look at me Yeah you you're a cunt Cut it out That basically sums up the foundation of every religion And then it turns into guys Right?

I like Buddha that's a good one You know some happy fat fuck Just sitting there all jolly Can't even see his dick and he's still happy You know there's something empowering about that Jesus I'm not into You know and it's not even His fucking pot smoking

Goddamn hacky sack Vibe that he's putting out You know His goddamn robe made out of ganja It's not even that I hate the fucking Martyr aspect of my religion You know I did it for you

I hate that shit You know somebody slaps you in the face You turn the other cheek You do it again Will that make you feel better? The meek shall inherit the earth It's just It's just a blueprint

For being a pussy You know? Fucking can't stand it And then it's Jewish religion I don't know shit about it I just know when you get really into it You gotta grow those curly Q Elvis sideburns And then you gotta wear that little

That little brown thing on the back of your head You know? And then wear the same shirt and the same pants every fucking day or the same style You know? What are you fucking Albert Einstein? Are you over there working on theories or relativity? You're not You're not

All right, go get yourself an eyes-on shirt Add a little fucking color to your wardrobe Can you can you fucking have a little bit of fun? Um What else? Oh, then the Muslim religion I don't want to get down on my knees every day at four in the afternoon I'm fucking old, my knees hurt

I don't want to do that shit I gotta carry a yoga mat around everywhere I fucking go and try and figure out You know, which way is southeast or whatever the hell I'm supposed to I don't want to do that I don't want to fucking do any of that So I think that pretty much- oh, Scientology! That's the last one

You know? That one I would actually join because it's just something funny about You know, being a fly in the wall hanging out with that level of weirdo You know, I think they're the weirdest Out of all of them Scientologists just because The fucking religion like all other religions were started that seems way the fuck back in the day So there's this vagueness

That there's no proof that it's complete bullshit You know But L. Ron Hubbard has a quote if you want to make you want to become a millionaire start a religion He basically admits that he kind of just made all this shit up Said that he was the guy He did it in like the 40s You know, and they're all sitting around there waiting for a fucking spaceship to show up I just want to go down there and have a really fucking intense conversation with Tom Cruise

You know, and just see if I can get him going You know What I would do is I would just say that I was a little confused about a certain aspect of my life Just to watch him go into fucking motivational speaker mode You know laughing maniacally You know Scientology they got in all religions. They have those giant cavernous buildings So when somebody laughs maniacally you get the fucking amazing acoustics You know the same acoustics that are like in Jimmy Page's stairwell

When they recorded the drums for when the levee breaks, you know, good those drum sound just imagine somebody laughing in that fucking stairwell You know what should I add some reverb here and give you a maniacal laugh. That'd be too much fucking work Um, anyways, so this is what I did this week So I went down there to go uh, fucking see if I could get a Mustang and the place was closed And then I'm driving back and I'm like was that a sign Was that a sign that I shouldn't have done it and it's like no bill That's a sign that you're a dumb fuck and you didn't check to see what their hours were

So whatever Whatever, so this is what I did this week All right, I did a lot of shit this week by the way Let me let me let me remember Before I tell you that fucking story, uh I did Kevin James podcast this week

And uh, that is gonna be I say Kevin James Kevin Smith I think Kevin Smith Oh Oh Jesus No, it's gonna be one of these fucking weeks, isn't it? I did Kevin Smith's podcast. It's gonna be uploaded today Um, he does I actually he didn't he didn't show up. He was sick. So I actually sat in for him

Which is really nerve-wracking because I you know Remind me why like what like the icica page when I saw him in 1976 at the old boston god I saw him in the late 70s actually and dorthy hamill didn't show up and we were all fucking upset and they had some other chick Uh substitute and everybody fucking booed. So I was worried that these these comic book reading sci-fi fans were gonna boomy and they didn't um And uh, fortunately Uh, Ralph Garmin His co-host fucking hilarious. He made me feel totally comfortable. I did the show with him and that um

That podcast is gonna be up today All right, so you're getting two two podcasts from me today All right, you're probably gonna be completely sick of me. I'm getting overexposed in the podcast world. I did Doug Benson's last week I did I did kevin smith's on saturday airs today and on wednesday. I'm gonna do the sclar brothers I'm making the podcast rounds people I think I am becoming a fucking go-to guest In the podcasting world You know like back in the day when somebody canceled. Oh, fuck. We need a guest

Back in the day in the tonight show who'd they go with they they they bring in george gobel They bring in burt reynolds Any do that fucking cannonball run laugh, right? That's what i'm becoming in the podcast world. I did joe rogan's like fucking three weeks ago Who else am I doing? I think i'm doing chris porter's coming up Um, you know I am just doing all kinds of free work here in the podcasting world people That's what it's all about

speaking of which speaking of which, um I actually on the mm podcast page for the first time ever we have installed a donation button So if you want to stop listening to me cry like a cunt If you like, you know, whatever if you want to donate to the podcast, I'd really appreciate it Uh, because this is a ton of work I do appreciate the fact that I do get to communicate to you guys But you know if you want to fucking donate or whatever

Uh, we're starting to take this thing to the next level I came up with the new monday morning podcast logo or actually the real thing is I paid somebody to do it We got t-shirts and shit like that. We got some merchandise coming so, uh So that way the podcast can continue to be free if you want to donate a buck Whatever you want to donate five bucks fucking six bucks three fifty whatever the fuck you want to donate If you go to the mm podcast page mmpodcast.com it's on the right hand side just under the uh, twitter facebook buttons. You'll see donate just click on there

Uh, you can go right through paypal whatever. All right donation only just like a church. Can I guilt you guys? Huh, can I guilt you like jesus? And he said it's under you with go fuck it yourself um And what else I really got to get this shit out of the way I have to make sure that I do treat my career like a business at some point here So I do have to hype a couple of things here. All right

My pop my web guy said remind everyone to follow you on twitter. He made a list a list here because I blow this every week All right, follow me on twitter at bill burr Uh, I believe that's my twitter name. I didn't know my fucking twitter name It's either at bill burr or at bill burr.com. I think it's just at bill burr b urr I tweet I talk about things I twitter. I don't tweet That's the masculine way Let's see homophobic way of tweeting you twitter

What else so also feel Also, tell them to feel free to hit the share button when you post videos on your facebook page. Oh, yeah, I'm trying to get my facebook page The fan page trying to get those numbers up We've had a 2,500 people since tuesday. We're trying to keep that thing going. You know what people? I'm actually for the first time in my career. I'm gonna try To use the internet to my advantage see up until this point. I really had no gameplay It was like i'm just gonna go on here. I'm gonna say a bunch of stupid shit for a fucking

And you know people like it they fucking like it man And if they find it they fucking find it and I realized that you know what there's nine zillion podcasts out there I need to I gotta advertise. I gotta fucking I gotta do what the fuck I gotta do here I'm finally realizing that you know Turn in 43 in june You know at some point I would like to uh Feel that if

You know I don't know what If I was to lose my pancreas I could still have enough Money scrolled away that I could I could afford oatmeal for breakfast for the rest of my life Isn't that what everybody wants? Don't you guys have a don't you have a number in your fucking head? What's your number? You know you guys watch breaking bed You guys watch that fucking show. Do you know uh

Eisenberg Is mr. White his his big number is 600 grand He can get 600 grand in cash scrolled away into the bottom of his house If he kicks the bucket his family is going to be okay. See so I don't have a family I got my girl All right, and I got my dog All right, but I plan on fucking living. I don't have a terminal disease Like mr. White actually using remission on that show. Sorry. I'm getting a little fucking breaking bed

I'm going a little geek here for that show um Excuse me What would be my I have no fucking idea what my figure would be Definitely six you need six figures All right, would you guys do that? You know because everybody wants a fucking house. Here's here's something for you Everybody wants a house All right. Oh wait, let me explain that shit real quick because I don't even think I explained it on my on my facebook page

The fan page We're gonna start posting some uh some of the funny videos the youtube ones and if you like them only if you like them If you think they're funny just share them with the rest of your friends and then hopefully They'll see that and they'll be like well who the fuck is this redheaded character? And then they'll go onto my page and if they like my comedy then they fucking add me, you know And then maybe I can catch up With some of the these other comedians out there who are playing these gigantic venues with with uh

With fucking sparklers that come down at the end of their shows right people I want to sell out everybody That there's an assignment for you this week come up with a catchphrase for me What is something that I can say get her dead? What can I dynamite? What can I say at the end of my jokes? Huh Maybe I can just do that. Huh at the everyone with would that be enough and then I sell huh t-shirts at the end Is that what I got to do? You know what this really is people. I know what you're thinking is is bill just gonna give up all fucking integrity

You know what it is is I need a fucking vacation I need a fucking vacation. It's coming up in june first two weeks of june I'm on vacation and I know what you're thinking you're gonna still do the podcast man, of course. I'm gonna I'm not gonna leave you hanging I'm fucking I'm gonna I want to go to the middle of nowhere I want to get a cabin. That's what I want to do There any rednecks listen to this shit anyone can you recommend me some shit? Who's gonna be the first podcast listener to take me hunting?

All right And you gotta know I don't know how to shoot anything, but I will fucking shoot something. I don't have a problem killing an animal I don't If I'm out there, there'll be enough mosquitoes that'll be in enough of an ornery mood You know, I already told you I could shoot a fucking deer As long as it didn't have any deer friends standing around or any little kids Does whatever it is you know

I was kid who if it was a really majestic looking one with a bunch of fucking What do they call a 12 pointer or something? I couldn't shoot that either We just it had to be a stupid looking deer just standing there fucking just you know You can just tell a bear is gonna club it over the head soon, right? Isn't that how bears kill their fucking their prey? They like pick up a stick They start bashing it over the fucking head like Hannibal Lecter Um, anyways, did I finish hyping everything?

um I think that's it. Oh and this week. I'm also going to be at the pap's theater in milwaukie wisconsin um There's only a little there's only a few tickets left for that one and the detroit show is sold out So I want to thank both those blue collar towns that i'm finally making my way to I got there without having to have a puppet or a catchphrase people Very proud of that. But now I want to play I want to play tiger stadium. So I need I need a catchphrase everybody come on

And I'll try them out too. I'm not beyond it. I will try them out next week on the podcast come up with a fucking horrific one um Oh, wait a minute didn't watch his face already do this ricky gervais didn't he do that didn't he do a show? Nia used to watch that show he was an extra Are you having a laugh? That's such a great fucking that's the perfect That's just that's brilliant writing right there that they I don't know if ricky gervais came up I don't know who came up with that, but that is just so fucking

That is that's just perfect goddamn. That's just am I even funny right now. I'm just sitting here just fucking I'm just you know, you know what I'm doing right now. I am I'm sitting right now on my bed laying sideways on my bed Uh laying on my side with my head in my hand, you know Like I'm posing for playgirl magazine, you know, like the the burt rattles Pose back in the 70s. Look at me. I think I think I'm getting I think I'm getting a fucking ego Got an x to 2,500 friends on my facebook page. I'm telling people to follow me on twitter. Look at me I'm not even being funny this week. I'm just hyping shit And uh, we got the new lady bill bird tank tops coming up. I can't fucking do that shit. All right. Let's plow ahead here

Um, let's get into the podcast shall we? um I have so much shit to talk about I'm already 25 fucking minutes into this thing Uh, let's try to blow through this quickly. My parents came to town this week This weekend came out here to visit and uh, you know the deal You feel like you're an adult you feel like you're a man. You're a guy's guy You're driving down the street and you're hybrid with your fucking arm hanging out the window and you made sure you put sunblock on So you didn't get cancer because you're a fucking

Right You think you got the world figured out and then all of a sudden your parents show up and immediately you turn into a kid again You you want their approval? So You know, I don't have any kids I don't have anything to show that I am living for anybody other than myself I am living a selfish Artist life. I play guitar. I play drums. I play hockey

I fucking tell jokes I fucking do whatever the hell I want to do. I just sit around all day staring at my balls It's great It's fucking great. I don't know why the fuck you guys ever. I know I you chose love I don't know why you ever got married. I don't know why you've had kids and then you fucking change yourself to your cubicle I don't know why you did it but evidently it's worth it because everybody I know has kids goes dude. I'm telling you Yeah, I fucking work all day You know every morning my boss comes in and slaps me in the face with this tie and calls me a bitch

And I say thank you sir may have another and I fucking hate my job Well, I tell you when I get home When I get home and I just see my kid it just fuck Whatever they say all that fucking horseshit and the thing is is I know it's true I know it's true. I know when I have a kid. I'm not going to give a fuck how I look anymore You know, I'm not going to moisturize I I'm going to be walking around in old clothes and old fucking gym shoes. That's my biggest fear if I ever become a parent

I'll just become a parent You know and just dress like shit and drive that old car I don't want to do it. Why why? If you become a parent wife Jerry Seinfeld has porches. What am I talking about? See there's a smart fucking guy You know, he made his dream come true. He made his half a fucking billion He got a fleet of porches And then he went down to the gym. He picked out some chick. I don't give a fuck if you're fucking engaged Let's go, sweetie. I got a half a billion dollars. Come over here. Come over here and ride my rich cock, right?

Then he starts pumping out the fucking kids late 40s early 50s people that's if you're in your early 20s, that's how you do it That's how you do it. You make your million first Then you grab some bitch by her fucking hair. You drag her up the stairs and you say listen woman I know you want shiny shit. I can buy you shiny shit all right So make your decision Go ahead and choose love you get you fall in and out of it during the relationship You know, it's gonna wear off and then where you're gonna be

You're gonna be sitting there in some fucking house some drab ass fucking house Cheerios in your hair Bunch of little ones running around and then what? Oh, you can choose me shiny shit You want a nice shiny kitchen counter with a shiny fridge? You know, I'm 50 years old I've been working for 35 fucking years. I have no dependence. I can buy you the shiny shit you want

So why don't you come over here and ride my half a century old cock? You know take my fucking dusty semen Fertilize you and then we'll have a couple of fucking kids You know and you can be the one who plays with them and I'll just sit here in a fucking old sweater rocking back and forth going I did it I did it eating pot cookies. Whatever the fuck I want to do. I don't give a shit. I have enough money for help That's my game plan people As I sit here in a one bedroom apartment my early 40s and sweatpants and a fucking t-shirt

I'm still holding on to that dream people. Um, anyways The fuck was so my parents come to town. That's what the fuck I'm trying to tell It's what it's what I'm really trying to talk about here. My parents come to town And uh, so I don't have any kids. I don't have anything to show him. I'm driving a fucking hybrid Nothing I'm doing is really that impressive So, uh, what do I do? I just start taking them out to restaurants, you know, that that was the only card I had to play look at all the cool places I know where to eat

That's all I have people You double my age. I'm 84 42 years of living on this planet. That's all I can show my parents is places to eat So I've been actually been doing really good with the hiking taking my fucking awesome dog for hikes and then I come home And I have a big bowl of fucking oatmeal You know, and I have it the real way I just have oatmeal like a prisoner of war. Just slop it right in the bowl throw a little bit of raisins on it That's the only fucking excitement I allow during my breakfast moment

You know, all you fucks out there trying to lose weight. What do you do? You make something healthy and then you fucking add your drugs to it, don't you? Your sugars your salts put a little milk in there a little cinnamon sugar How about I put a scoop of ice cream on top of it? What'd you have for breakfast? I had oatmeal I'm telling you. It's my metabolism. No, it isn't You're cheating fuck Stop putting up the the the food steroids into your healthy food. You got to sit there and you you know what you got to do Is you you got to get that fucking

You got to get that uh That desire that craving out of your body You know like you guys see if you watch my stand-up specials you guys realize That uh, I have a sweet tooth. I hate that about myself. Uh, but you know what it was? I fucking just stopped eating them And it took about a week Every night I'd be driving home going I want a piece of cake. What the fuck is was your your birthday bill? What the fuck's wrong with me? I want a piece of cake or like a pint of ice cream. I just wanted it, right? Then after a fucking week your body just gets that craving out of your system

Now I don't want it anymore. You know, what's funny is now that it's out of my system I walked into this place the other day and they had you know to go in and get this this three bean salad You know Because i'm really i'm trying to get the booze weight off, you know Because I quit boozing, but I just kept eating like an idiot. I'm trying to make get my head back down to the size It should be right So i'm going in there order that and i'm so i'm sitting there of course right in the front They got like, you know seven different kinds of cakes and all this shit and because I wasn't craving sugar like it looked

It looked bizarre. It looked like clown food All these bright colors and shit like why the why would you even eat that shit? you know Week before or if I had had some some bad food I would have fucking had my face pressed up against the glass trying to you know just Want to eat half the cake So whatever so i've been doing great with with my my diet and all that type of shit that my parents come to town

And uh, that's all I had. It was just like uh, you know, I just started taking them out. I fucking had You know a couple of cheeseburgers. I was eating a fucking grand slam breakfast last night at some 50s diner Took them out to some french restaurant Eating beef bourguignon out of this stew pot that looks like the jolly jeep green giant made the shit and uh I'm at that age a couple of days eating bad again like five fucking pounds and I got a big doughy white stomach again He's killing me. So anyways, this is how fucking hilarious my parents are They come out to visit me

in hollywood all right Where do you think they want it to go? What tourist attraction go ahead? I'll give you a second to guess. What are you gonna guess to go look at the hollywood walk of fame all those stars On the sidewalk man's chinese theater hollywood bowl sunset strip Go down look at the paramount studios get that picture taken in front of the hollywood sign

No, you know where they want it to go? They wanted to go to the ronald reagan library The ronald reagan presidential library how fucking awesome is that? You know you know the deal or that whatever you live in a city for a while if you live in st louis every time you come there what if people want to go to the fucking arch you don't want to go there You don't give a fuck they want to ride that little stupid elevator up to the top You don't want to do it, but you got to do it you live in new york some douchebag wants to go to the top of the empire state building You don't want to do it. So my parents came out here and I'm thinking out god

I got to take them to the usual spots and they said that they wanted to go to the ronald reagan presidential library And I was like that that's in hollywood They're like no, no, no, it's uh out west west of LA and I was like, you know what I'll fucking do that I'll do that in a second and I went out there man. I had a great goddamn time Um, that's something you ought to do you ought to go to a presidential library It's fucking hilarious, especially if it's a president where you were alive

When all the shit that happened went down So then you can go into their library because the libraries are hilarious. I don't give a fuck who it is They are gonna make that guy look. This is like the third library. I've been to the jfk. I've been to the richard nixon And I've been to the uh now the ronald reagan none of these were my ideas. I'm a fucking moron I don't want to go to these things. I'm just always with people who want to go to this shit And what I've noticed with the libraries is they just make The person seemed just like the greatest fucking person ever Like evidently ronald reagan was the greatest guy ever

Which amazed me because I thought it was richard nixon and before that I thought it was fucking jfk They just uh, you know They had one part of it. They had this whole You know that whole just say no to drugs Thing that they came up with was a miserable failure I remember it I remember that people used to make just say no Okay, well that solves the crack epidemic

When somebody asks you for drugs just say no Okay Meanwhile, we're gonna cut funding for anything that would help you get out of your financial fucking problem in the inner city You know and then the one viable commodity The drugs which you either sell and make money or you take To fucking numb the pain of living in a goddamn war zone. Just say no to that just Just say you don't want to do it And then continue going to an incredibly unsafe shitty school that we're not going to help to try to make anything better

So they but in in the library it was just an absolute smashing success And they were showing her just say no and her hugging some inner city children And the dress she wore This is just the nancy reagan part and then they actually you know as the best part They had a they had a just say no board game Which I was trying to take a picture of but the fucking security kept looking at me. You weren't allowed to take pictures In the ron reagan presidential library and I just wanted to see like you know, I just want I want to I got to look that up On the internet. I want to know what happens. How do you lose that game?

Do you like slowly become a junkie as you play that game? And they're like, you know At the end of the board game is there one gated community nice neighborhood We live with all the banker cunts and then there's another one where you make the left turning You just in some fucking slum that they cut funding to is that basically it Um, so haven't gone to that and then the the reagan thing was just like, you know, obviously I like the shit He did where he he strengthened our military You know

And then the russians tried to strengthen their military and then they fucking went bankrupt That was a great fucking move and ended up being the worst thing for this country though. I think Because you need an adversary You need one because if you don't then you just become a greedy cunt Because there's nobody stopping you from just fucking eating every piece of cake. That's on the goddamn table But anyways, so I haven't gone to the reagan one I now want to go to the bill clinton one because I want to see How they spin all that monocle of winsky. I finger fucked some fat whore in the white house

I just got to see because they got to address it because he got impeached He's only Only two presidents in history have ever gotten impeached. It's him and some other fucking guy. Forget the other guy Everybody thinks it's fucking nixon, but he didn't nixon resigned before that shit happened. He pulled a manny ramirez. I'm going to spain. I'm out. See you um but uh I don't know man. It was really it was As as much as I'm making fun of reagan and that type of shit like

You know, I don't buy into democrats or republicans. They all serve the same fucking guys It doesn't make a difference, especially at this point, but it was just interesting to see uh, I like I I'm still into the memorabilia Like the creepiest part of the reagan library is you fucking go through it And remember when john hinkley tried to kill them? They you walk into this one part they go. This is the assassination part of the ronald reagan Fucking library and you walk in there and there's three screens all showing the exact same thing and they go It'll start in 10 seconds and they just show the raw footage of reagan walking out

And this guy's squeezing off six fucking shots You know brady got shot in the head. Thank god. It was a 22 or as he would have been dead but uh A dc police officer and then a secret service officer all got shot and then reagan took one It wrecked a shade off the car and caught him. So it's just The raw footage there's no like, uh, you know like fucking tom brokaw going tonight nightly news Ronald reagan was attempting to be shot. There wasn't any of that. They just showed it like he was standing there It was the creepiest shit ever

Just he's walking out waving and then it pop pop pop pop pop pop And then everybody just died get him out get him out get him out of there get him out of there And the car fucking drives away and you're like jesus christ So then you walk into the next room, which is like 10 feet away and there's no door Okay, and now you're looking at the suit that reagan wore when he got shot and there's a bullet hole right in the fucking The coat the side of the coat and then you know The fucking assassination the the attempt the raw footage is playing every 10 seconds So now you're looking at the suit and then all of a sudden you just hear

And it just kept playing It just was like dude, what the fuck and I that was the only part of the library. I didn't like It's like I got it. Jesus christ and I had to leave But the best part of the library and I got pictures of this up on the mmpodcast.com is they fucking had uh Air force one A 757 the entire fucking plane they had it encased Within the building and you could go and you could go on the fucking thing and they had the place where the guy sat

With the you know the nuclear devices turn your key. This is what blew my mind too when you got on the plane Is you know now we're just starting to get the technology where us regular people can be on the internet and use phones and shit They had that technology On air force one back in the day when fucking reagan carter all those guys You could you could pick up a rotary phone And call the kremlin whoever the fuck you needed to talk to On a goddamn rotary phone. So that means that that technology is at least 35 years ahead of us that that that would be The only reason why I would ever want to be president

I just want to see what like obama's cell phone looks like the capabilities of it, you know Anybody was any of that fucking interesting? Um, all right, let's let's move on here Real quick and then we start I'm gonna get into the whole fucking, uh Questions for the week Oh Coming up this next week. Uh, try Becca film festival starts and uh me robert kelly and joe dorosa have a movie That got selected a short film called cheat and somebody sent me an email about it

It said, uh, hey bill. How you doing? So do just watch the trailer for cheat And man, I gotta tell you it looks quite good. It's really cool to see you bobby and joe and even dumb vas doing something Serious like this Is it going to make a run across theaters? Uh, what are the chances of it being on dvd sometime? Uh, this is the deal. It's a short film. So, uh, we'll probably try and put it in other film festivals, but We're currently writing a book me joe and bobby and That's based off of the movie and

The book will be out next year the beginning part of next year. Hopefully and in the back of the book The the the full movie will be available. So the the the movie itself cheat will come with the book And uh, I can't tell you what it's about because I don't want to ruin the fucking movie. So i'm glad you think that it looks cool And anybody in the new york area, please go on to the try becker website That I don't have of course as always. I don't have any information. I'll have it next week next week, by the way Uh, i'm gonna have bobby and joe doroso on my podcast the first time ever. There's gonna be three people on my podcast Uh, two guests at the same time. I'll see how I handled that. I went out and I bought a third mike people. I'm ready to do it. So, um What else what else did I want to talk about?

Um, oh, how about the bruins, huh? How about the bruins digging themselves a fucking hole? I still have faith I got a feeling the bruins are going to go into montreal tonight. They're going to kick this shit Out of those fake fucking peresian motherfuckers up there um You know what's annoying me? It's not even knowing me that we're losing to the canadiens because I I I don't know why people are picking the bruins to win the cup

I just was was still missing at least two major pieces to have a championship run But what's killing me is they're making carrey price look like he's ken dryden and he isn't He isn't these are the first two playoff games this guy has ever fucking won in his entire career All right, the last time we saw this guy in the playoffs we beat him four games in a fucking row What's going on now is the canadians They're they're they're forwards in that defenseman that blocking shots The bruins just are playing the dumbest fucking hockey Taking slap shots. There's nobody in front. Here you go, carrey. Is there enough ice between me and you so you can get a nice beat on this puck

Fucking horrific And I know a lot of bruins fans of pistachioa didn't play game two They said he was dehydrated and everybody went oh these fucking european players are such pussies Drink some gatorade. I think that that they couldn't say that he was puking and shitting his brains out probably Uh for 24 hours. I think he had what I had like a month ago So hopefully he'll come back and he'll crunch another one of those pussy fucking canadian players into the boards and then they can fucking Make a goddamn federal case out of it Um, I don't know the series is not over. There's no fucking way

There's no way it's over. I have faith. We got to fucking win. We got to win tonight. All right, that's it And other than that, I've just been watching the uh, these are my predictions I think the lightning are going to be pittsburgh I think uh I think the bruins are going to come back and beat the canadians. That's my heart talking Flyers will beat the savers Who else? These are easy. Detroit's going to be phoenix. Vancouver's going to be chicago

And uh, wait, wait, wait, what round do you think san jose is going to choke this year everybody? Do you think the kings are going to come back and beat him? I have no fucking idea. All right, let's plow ahead here My finals are the obvious. I think it's I think the flyers No, what about the cap? I see the capitals have finally pushed through I got a funny feeling the rangers are going to beat the capitals I felt that even though they lost game one. I thought the rangers were going to come back and steal game two But when they did and they went up two games to none, I that's when I was like Ah, I guess the capitals are going to do it this year, but now that they won

Game three. I don't know I don't know. There's a lot of pressure on the capitals A lot of fucking pressure on those fucking cunts in dc. All right, let's plow ahead here. All right, uh, very happy stay at home Dad writes uh, dear bill after listening to one of your recent podcasts and also watching let it go I felt compelled to write in I have major issues with stay at home mom's complaining about how hard it is. Oh jesus Uh, perhaps this topic is played out, but I think my situation may bring a new light on the matter I'ma stay at home dad

I'll spare you how I became a stay at home dad and just tell you that it's terrific I love it. I do all of what you'd expect clean Do laundry yard work cook homework with the kids and pickups and drop-offs and have no problem with any of it Dude, that sounds like a fucking vacation Wouldn't it be hanging out with fucking kids? I know it sucks when they're babies, but once they become like just like little people you know and plus all the technology that they have to fucking In case your children, you know what I mean? Just like put up those little barricades

You can make those little rubber rooms so they can't hurt themselves And then you stick like the teletubbies on and that's like you know lsd for kids And they're just sitting there tripping as you're in the other room making yourself a little scotch um anyways Yeah, there's no boss And every day is like fucking saturday. You get to hang at your house. You get to sleep in your own bed I know the grass is always greener, but that sounds fucking awesome Anyway, she says I'm a pretty organized person

So the house always looks good and I've and I've always been a good cook Now I'm an even better one my wife my wife comes home to great meals in a clean house And at the end of her day needs only to eat relax and hang out with their daughter Another child is on the way this july What does your wife do for a living that she can? Support you you guys live in nice that's even better. She's got some insane fucking job One of the biggest problems with my situation is when she decides to reclaim one of the traditional female roles around the house This happens periodically about once a month usually less

It must be uh primitive genetic code that kicks in every so often when it does my world gets fucked Suddenly i'm told nothing is where it should be in the kitchen and need and I and we need to organize it Or that pots aren't good enough or that shit is too high on the shelves I have a foot uh i'm like a foot taller than my wife. You know what happened with this this reading here I was just thinking how well I was reading now i'm in my fucking head and i'm screwing up Let's try to regroup here bill. All right Or worse when she decides to go food shopping come home with shit We don't need or we have never eaten before because she felt we should try it

Or worse yet when she decides to cook a meal her cooking isn't bad, but when she cooks I I don't get the night off my job is to show her where everything is spices dry goods pots, etc And also to reach shit. She can't when she's done. I spend the next day reorganizing everything to my liking Dude, you got to be like abroad there. You got to claim the kitchen now. Don't go around moving things I have everything where I need it. Just shoot shoot get out of here. I'll do this That's what you got to do your problem is is you're letting her in See women can shoe guys out of the kitchen because we don't usually most guys don't want to be in there And in the end we always try to keep you in a good mood. So maybe you'll blow us that night

You know women they don't have that kind of sex drive, you know And plus they always have the option of banging someone at work if they want to You know with absolutely no game whatsoever other than just fucking wearing some hoary shoes and hiking their skirt up They don't even need an opening line you know Their lives are so fucking easy other than fucking having to squeeze a kid out. That's the one thing I'll give you those nine months of hell But you get paid back you get to tee off 12 fucking 20 yards in front of me at the golf course

People hold doors for you. You don't have to pay for a movie. You show a little cleavage. You get free drinks all night What the fuck are you broads bitching about? All right plow ahead here um So anyways he goes I don't go to her office rearranging shit on occasion on the occasions I drop by oh Jesus So don't laugh at me when I tell you certain things go in certain areas of the fridge And why it's neat. I know I do it. I totally get it. I'm not giving you shit He said I used to complain out loud to her about it now I just grin and bear it on occasion on the occasion it happens

I figured it's better not to rock rock the boat Lest she wises up and sees how good I have it Dude you live in the fucking life You know what you are dude? You're basically retired and your wife is out there Providing your your pension I think that's phenomenal I think that is absolutely Phenomenal and I don't know why more women

Don't enjoy being stay-at-home moms and I'm not trying to be a chauvinistic pig here You know Okay, those first few years suck Without a doubt, but then you got to understand once they they they go to school All right, they start going to school at nine and they get off at three you got six hours in the middle of the day To do whatever the fuck you want to do and you know something and that's one of those classic points that you bring up to women Or stay-at-home moms and they freak the fuck out and then they go Oh, you know, then they try to make those six hours difficult like all the fucking shit they have to do

It's like what do you have to do? What exactly do you have to do? You got the kid dressed and you fed him Now he's at fucking school. Someone else is watching the kid for the next six hours. What exactly is it that you have to fucking do? Laundry Oh my god, that that's got to be so difficult To separate whites from the darks Stick it in a fucking machine and press a button and have it clean it for you Where where is the you're just

If if those six hours aren't enough for you, you're just creating work for yourself You know You can actually be sitting on the couch drinking a margarita as a machine washes the fucking clothes It's not that big a fucking deal It really isn't Go out food shopping and you get to go out during the day when there's no traffic and there's nobody around You go to the post office. You just sort of putts around town Your little mayberry town. That's a fucking dream

you know I don't know. I just think that you know That just seems like a fucking awesome life and then the kids come home and it gets loud or whatever, but then your kids you love them You make them fucking sandwiches You know and then then what I mean, how much longer do they go you put them to bed by fucking eight They get home at like what three thirty I just don't understand what what what what the big fucking deal is I just don't get it. I really don't get it. Somebody please you don't understand. It's every fucking day

That's another thing too and then at the end of all of that bitching It's like well, you didn't have to be a mom You know It's very easy. There's condoms. There's the pill. There's a whole bunch of All different kinds that you can choose from you fucking chose the job and now you're bitching about it. What is your fucking problem? Jesus christ, you don't you don't want to go food shopping just go buy a jar of peanut peanut butter and a big giant jar of jelly Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. There you go. Bang You could do that like three four times a week. They don't give a fuck big glass of milk

Some cheese and crackers Why you're overthinking it ladies you're over fucking thinking that I really don't I don't think it's that fucking hard I think you guys are full of shit You know what it is just like how this guy said at the end of his email where He's just sitting there grinning and burying it and he doesn't want to rock the boat Less she wise is up to see how good he has it. I think that that's why those stay-at-home moms I'm not talking about working moms. I'm talking about stay-at-home moms. I think that that's why they complain that much

um the only complaint There are aspects that I do understand the fact that you guys sit there talking google gaga talk the whole fucking day And you just want to hang out with an adult at some point that would drive me a little batshit But you know everything has You know it's ups and downs and I just don't see the fucking downside as being that that's steep with that job I really don't

Anyways sitting there making macaroni trees You know Taking them to the fucking playground and pushing them on a swing. I mean how difficult is that? That's difficult. That's harder than sitting in a cubicle Having somebody coming over and telling you what to do Do you ever think what's great about being a stay-at-home mom is your your own fucking boss? Nobody's telling you what to do. Nobody's don't even fucking tell me your kids are telling you what to do Okay, get your goddamn kids in order. All right. That's what they invented sticks for

You know Slap them around a little bit you put the fear of death in them And then they shut the fuck up that's what my mom used to do She had a paddle my dad had went to a who was a member of maternity He saved the paddle and we would dicks my mother would line all of us up and she beat the shit out of all of us And you just be standing there in line waiting for the fucking beating to come All right, and then you'd always try to block it with your hand and fucking smash your knuckles

And then she'd send us all to bed That was like her break. She'd do that once a day in like the afternoon. That was her afternoon break She'd send us to bed and then we'd go upstairs crying All sweaty and crying and shit and sticky from whatever the fuck we just spilled That caused her to kick the shit out of us and then you know would be up there 10 minutes Then we just fall asleep That was it I don't know what the fuck i'm talking about. All right ask bill prom issues

Hey bill i'm a senior in high school and have not been to any of my school functions. I've been there, sir I've been there I didn't go to I went to my senior prom. I didn't go to any of the other ones Uh, I was a fucking orange-haired freak in high school Um, and I didn't I didn't even have the courage to ask anybody out. I just saw what was in the mirror And I was just like i'm not going to do this to somebody else Why would I put this on someone else? Um, I have never been to a school dance and only a few football games of my high school career

Dude, did I write this in a drunken stupor? That sounds like my high school career next week is the prom from my school and I was wondering if I should go I know people say I should go and it would always be a special moment in my life But uh, will it really is prom overrated Dude, you know what? This is a fucking depressed individual You know dude, you want to go and now you're gonna sit there You know what it is, dude? You're too fucking smart for your own good And you're gonna sit there and you're gonna break down the prom how fucking stupid it is and the dumb songs and the dj

And how you never you know It's senior year. You're never going to see these people again in your life. Anyways, should I not go dude? You should definitely go get the balls up to ask somebody It's a great exercise because someday You're going to see a girl that you're going to want to talk to and you want to have a couple at bets all right, so just Fucking ask someone to the prom go Get dressed up take the pictures. Have a good time

Don't don't do what you're doing, dude. You're over analyzing life You're going to start pulling back from the herd and you're going to end up like me Some psycho Babbling to himself and it takes you 20 years to get it right took me 20 years before I met nea And I finally got it fucking right and I'm starting to function like a human being And thinking about having kids and having a dog. I'm telling you man. I'm telling you All right, it's it's a part of growing up. It's a social thing. It's very important I think it's very important to go to your proms and your social events because that's what life is about

There's a great documentary out there on hbo called his way I am really bad with names. It's about this really successful Hollywood producer and as I watched it like I saw life lessons that I learned only recently in life and I realized how backwards I had life when I was a loner Because that's not what life is about life is about networking hanging out with other people laughing with other people and Becoming successful in life is all about your ability to connect with other people And so you got to start as young as possible man. You're still young. I would definitely do that then, you know

And uh, that's it man. I would definitely I would oh he asked me some did you ever go to a prom and Was it magical? No, it wasn't it should have been but it wasn't because I was a walled-off psycho and I apologized to the woman that I went with Um, I was just like you I was sitting there. Um, why don't I read the rest of this here? I was thinking about going but then came to the conclusion conclusion of going by myself would just be Oh, I was thinking of going by myself But then came to the conclusion That going by myself would just be awkward. Yeah, dude. You don't want to do that You're going to freak people out people are going to feel bad for you

And then the mean people are going to tease you and it's just going to suck And then you're going to want to come back like Carrie and kill everybody. It's just it's a bad road um So if I don't go what should I do dude go? Just go definitely go You want to go i'm telling you if you didn't want to go you wouldn't be asking me just definitely go just ask somebody I know there's some girls left as sooner rather than later and you know what dude aim high Who gives a fuck if she says no fuck her she probably just end up being some

Some fatty at a reunion one day This is now when you want to go in there just i'm telling you dude go there Psych yourself up aim high ask a girl that you think is out of your league You know Take it to the prom make her fucking laugh and then see if you can uh, you know a little something might happen Who gives it and if it doesn't who gives a shit Who gives a shit someday when you see a dream girl sit there an apple beast You'll have the balls to go up to her because you fucking talk to that cunt in high school. All right. There's my advice

All right, let's move on here. Uh number two Friend is going to be a dad trying to get him to kill it Wow Wow, okay Wow, we're already at an hour here. This is going to be a long podcast friend is going to be a dad Dash trying to get him to kill it Oh Jesus here we go bill my friend's got himself into a shitty situation recently. Gee. I wonder what this is I'm really interested to hear if you have any advice for him and what you have to say

I got a call from him about a month ago Instead he was going to be a father This is the last thing I expected to hear he's 26 and pretty much just started getting laid. Oh you fucking poor bastard see see this This is another reason why you want to go to your prom Because you don't want to be this guy the guy who first gets laid at fucking 26 doesn't know anything Just fucking dumps his load and the first fucking stupid waitress he finds This is a very sad thing to happen to one of your best friends. It really is what sadder is the girl he knocked up What sadder is the girl he knocked up?

Oh my god, this is depressing me She's not someone you'd want to mother your child let alone be attached to for the rest of your life She's a nice enough girl, but a little off She admittedly has some issues in her head and loves pills and weed a little too much. Oh my god. What did this kid do? Let alone she is secretly married to someone What Dude, are you sure you didn't want to send this to jerry springer? I don't really know this story, but let's assume he is foreign and there is no love involved

Oh an arranged marriage. Is that what you're saying? Anyway, when I got the call my friend Uh You spelt the word wrong I guess respectively Repetitively was at the bar and what word you're trying to say that my friend was at the bar and yelling about how he wants to kill it Um, I take it you're against abortion considering you're saying kill it or you're just trying to be funny A day or so later When our buddies get the news we all meet up With him to have a convince your friend to have an abortion dinner

Uh Oh, I see what you want one of your buddies. We're down there talking about how they want to kill All right, so you're gonna sit down with him to okay. All right. Here we go He now has given up and is going to have it He said he tried talking to her a few times about getting an abortion and she won't have it She wants to have the kid and every time he brings it up She hangs up on him or won't answer his calls and will avoid him for days So now in defeat he's going to have the poor kid. Well, you know

That's one of the things there. It's not the guy's choice Which is funny when they sit there and they say pro are you pro choice? You know That's not for the guy the woman decides unless she a really smooth talker Um, I really think about having the kid will make her feel some sort of self-worth And that's why she wants to have it so bad. My friend is a sweetheart I have no doubt he'll be a good father, but his situation sucks We keep telling him that he'll be attached to this girl forever

And he really needs to talk to her and that we'll even talk to her and of course a bunch of us Pushing her down a flight of stairs jokes followed God Now he is going with her to get an ultrasound and stuff and won't even talk to us about it I don't know how this stuff works, but she does but she's about two months preggers And we think he has a month left to get rid of the thing. What can he do and what can we as friends do to help? Um Uh, you know what guys he's gonna have the fucking thing I would say

I would say leave him alone And just support him and tell him whatever he does do not marry this woman Okay, he fucked up He got her pregnant. She wants to have it. He doesn't have a say in it and uh That's it. It's going down It's going down so You know he fucked up

You know that's life You know you fuck sometimes when you fuck up you don't get a do-over Which is basically what an abortion is Uh, she's not going for the do-over. She's like nope. This is the game plan and we're sticking with it Just like the rangers even though people are breaking their fucking ankles. They're gonna keep trying to block shots. All right That's what she's doing. She wants to have the kids so now he just has to go with it and This is what he has to do never move in with her never marry her don't do anything like that

She's gonna be a single mother. He's gonna be a baby daddy and um What he needs to do now is he needs to buy a fucking lifetime supply of condoms Uh, he needs to go out and find the woman that he's supposed to knock up and marry and in the meantime support that kid That's what he has to do because he busted a nut in her and she's keeping it. So he's fucked He's fucked when it comes to that but his life is not over He can he only has to deal with this bitch for 18 fucking years. He has to deal with this kid for life I think what he should do is the kid should be the priority

Um, he should come to some sort of zen realization that he's not going to convince this woman not to be a fucking maniac If she is a psycho like you said, uh, what I would do is I try to convince her not to smoke weed or take any pills during the fucking pregnancy um And and that's it I mean his only other route is if maybe she wants to put it up for adoption But it doesn't seem like she wants to do that But uh, he just needs to settle into the fact that he's having a fucking kid

But what you guys need to make sure is that this woman does not talk him into Getting married And being legally he all he has to do is play pay child support if he gets married to her now You're talking alimony and all that type of shit and then when he wants to start His family with the fucking woman he wants to be with that's going to be a fucking nightmare. So, uh That's it All right, so that's what I would do. I would just say listen Just support him as a friend

And say dude if you ever fucking bang another girl without a condom I I am gonna I'm gonna disown you I'm gonna disown you because it's killing me watching you go through this shit So just make sure you fuck the abortion. He's not doing it They having the kids. So now what you got to do is do not marry this woman Do not marry her and uh And that's fucking it That's it man. That's a brutal brutal

brutal fucking situation They have it for the grace of god Anyways, here we go. Let's read this guy from london Guy from london. Look at this all the way across the fucking pond needs advice about girl with std. Jesus christ You guys are fucking killing me this week. I'm a london there who just discovered your stand-up podcast I gotta tell you you one of the best can be thank you man. That's fucking awesome. You know great that is To hear from another country you make me laugh from the pit of my stomach Which is a pretty special gift to give someone. So thank you. Thank you. All right. Let's see if I can help you out of your fucking problem here

Anyway, I'm writing you because I just joined a dating website I don't know how you feel about online dating, but my opinion is always Ben that it's fucked up who needs to join a website to get laid Who isn't in some way a fucking lunatic, right? Um, I think that's the way it was in the beginning But now it's becoming this phenomenal way of avoiding a cover charge and having to buy somebody a drink And just going right towards the chick you want Uh, nino

What's going on? My girl just walked in fucking brutal questions this week. You want to hear that just the titles of these questions? Uh, or just one in general, um I guess it was just this one friend is going to be a dad trying to get him to kill it What? Yeah Okay, all right No, I already answered it. I just she you know that that whole pro-choice thing Are you pro-choice the choice is really the woman's

You know if she wants to vacuum it out like the hoover is getting turned on and uh What could you not say it like that when a guy makes a joke like that even though you've never had a kid Do you still feel a little quivering in there? No, I do not. No, you do not. What are the disgusting questions? You look really good Thank you. You do Um, you want to you want to help me with this one guy from London needs dating advice about girl with scd Yeah, okay. So anyways, uh, so he he always thought the online dating things were uh, those online dating

Websites were just filled with a bunch of psychos because who can't just get laid but at this point. I think it's It's totally normal now to do online stuff. It's not like I don't think there's a stigma attached to it anymore Well, I think there's an std attached to it. Let me read the rest of this Uh, so I'd avoided it being more than capable of hooking up in real life But my problem is uh that for about two years now, that's all they've been doing hooking up dating meeting girls who never do That thing to me. Oh, nobody that he falls in love with I feel like a husk A 31 year old. I don't know what that means guys from london I guess that means like the old guy at the bar 31 year old and i'm dead inside

Oh, I see he's dead inside because no girl can make me feel how I used to In the school playground with the first crushes the other thing that makes you want to make pancakes in the morning for Or walk through the park or put on some lionel fucking richie All they want to do is come home lately All I want to do after I come lately is wash her off my dick and bounce her out. Yep. Yeah, I've been there Which is no way to live what? Nia, I banged a lot of broads before I met you and that was the thing you were like the second you did you jumped up You said hang on a second

Let me let me you acted like you were getting something for her And you went in and she figured it out when she heard the sink was on too long that you had your dick in the sink And you were washing it up I used to say you take the hand fucking soap and just fucking act like I was jerking off with soap And that's why I have the clean cock I have today All right plowing your head the thing that makes you want to bubba bubba bubba, okay, uh, which is no way to live I'm actually a romantic Guy I cry at disney movies out. Jesus dude. I don't want to read this shit. I fall

I want to fall in love again. It sounds like lyrics to a lionel richie song It's 2011 people join these sites. So I made a profile. Anyways, this is a fucking long s email Okay, so anyways, he's on this fucking website. Anyway after two weeks I'm probably thinking about shutting down the profile the only notable exception so far being a divorcee who does yoga she invites me to a bar We have a drink she complains of being tipsy and needing to drive I asked what she wants to do she corks up the bottle and takes me back to her place and literally takes a run at me

It was nuts too kind of seedy like she'd watched some porn after this After the split with her husband decided that that was the way the world was now and decided to emulate it for real So i'm banging a mature granted pretty hot mature woman Who's looking at me with this angry look on her face that porn star fuckface thing that makes me feel uneasy already While saying things like do you like that? Huh? That dick is nice and warmer my pussy, huh? Jesus christ. Are you gonna? Are you gonna blow your nuts right inside this pussy?

Yeah, and she's saying it with the english accent too. That's fucking hilarious And i'm just feeling a bit sad inside as I nod Anyways, this is the thing I meet this girl 26 beautiful and I mean beautiful She looks like a little elf or something that just made it creepy An angel smoking and she's smart funny Kooky but in a good hot way probably that danger is going to break your heart way too But i'm a sucker for that Anyway, we go for a walk around the zoo not really giving a shit about the animals because we're too into each other

Like uh, hey look an aardvark. Oh you have really pretty hair. It was great. I'm not that i'm not a bad person after all My heart is beating again for this girl. I feel happy. Where's the std thing here? All right, so we leave the zoo go to the bar for a kiss. It's amazing electricity. Then she goes. I've got to tell you something Oh Jesus here we go Here we go You got to admit at that point you were worried that she had a dick, right? There's something I have to tell you. Um, I have three nipples and I'm married to seven different men in iraq

Uh, which is the sentence you don't want to hear in the first date blah blah blah so she Anyways, oh, no. I just looked ahead. Oh, Jesus brace yourself I look at her and I say go on and she goes on to tell me that a few months ago She was seeing some guy who went down on her And it turns out she had a cold he had a cold sore on his mouth And now she has herpes Uh So she's got an incurable std

That can be passed on at any point. What do I do about that? Obviously I get the hell out I should be running as far from her pussy as I can right, but I like her I haven't liked anyone like this for a long time, but I also never had a disease I look at my shit in that I look I look after my shit in that way. So I'm in a dilemma. I like her, but she's damaged. She's She's a bit of a skank In the past possibly But she did the right thing and laid that on the table for me

What should I do? I'm clouded right now. How much I'm attracted to her. I need your help bill. Um Yeah, you get get the fuck out get out get out Yeah, you'll meet another girl dude. You don't need to do that. Listen. She fucked up. You didn't fuck up No, no, no, I I'm saying my shit She didn't fuck up someone gave her An std, yeah, how do you don't know how she got the std? That's just a story she told well either way like that should happen It's not like a it's not a death sentence and b you shouldn't judge people because they have an std Let me ask you

Do let me ask you a question. She takes her she takes all her meds She is on top of it and make sure that you know She doesn't have any breakouts and if she does she does what she needs to do and they use protection the entire time And he goes to his doctor and consults about listen my girlfriend has this I don't want to catch it. What can we do? Or he finds someone with a clean pussy that makes his heart go pitter-patter I don't I don't think it's right to be like no stay away from her because she has herpes because it's like people have stds It's not listen if you want to find the right person of life. You got to be selfish Okay, and I don't know anybody who has on the list when they think of this soulmate. Nobody has herpes

In an ideal world, you're both clean. Yeah in an ideal world. You don't have sores on your genitalia I know but sometimes that shit happens and like no no, this is what they need to do They need to have a A herpes social network And people can just meet each other on the herpes social network and they can just pass it back and forth to each other They don't have to worry about it. Yeah, and then they can they can go habsies on their herpes meds And it's all good Then it's all good. I don't think habsies is good. I'm preaching std

segregation Separate but equal social website. I think it should be tolerant and I think you should talk to her about it She probably knows everything that she needs to do in terms of medication. I think you're full of shit I think if the guy had sores on his dick, you'd be like you'd be like girl Can you start rolling your head like you were on a talk show? You need to get out that shit No, I wouldn't If you really like the guy or girl then you should just talk about it, you know What do they say like in manhattan like one in three people has an std now?

Please don't quote me on that. I could be wrong but something insane where like stds Are like through the roof. So obviously you should do everything in your power to protect yourself But again, he's also just dating this girl. He doesn't have to sleep with her right away Then there's no fucking point. There's no fucking point as a guy How it goes and you know, let me finish there's no point in being there's no point in being with the woman unless you're gonna bang There's no fucking point Well, I understand that but they could have like an open conversation about they go to the doctor together They can like they can have a mature

Open line of communication about it. Look, I'm not you if you actually if you feel like this girl is the one Then I mean that's pretty powerful the fact that she has herpes and you're still being like, you know But I exactly and he's easy easy easy Up and down fucking camden street or any and he's been careful. He's been careful He kept his breastplate on he fucking had his He had his condom on anyone can catch an std Especially through oral sex because how many people are using condoms when they go down on a guy and how many people are using dental dams? Nobody

All right, can I can I can I can I give some one night? Happen so if you're gonna be doing that kind of stuff. Yes, one needs to be aware that that could happen All right, I'm gonna give some one night stand advice From a dirty filthy old man. All right one night stand in seven years. So what? So what? I saw all about it. You don't have it anymore. You're done, baby. I got you. It's over all right, wait a minute This is what you do one of the first things you want to do is you want to romance it

So you get out you get you get out your george michael, uh cassette tape No, this is the thing. Okay, certain things don't change Certain things don't change. Okay One night stand you never ever ever repeat ever go down on somebody. You don't do anything. Okay I don't even kiss him one night stand you go in you talk shit You pull the fucking hair you bend them over and you put on a condom and you bang them That's what it is. What am I trying to fucking be a gentleman? We're here to fuck. We are fucking you do it Just the way prostitutes do that's why prostitutes, you know

That there's no fucking kissing anything. Did you want to bang me put a condom on and you just do the act You don't fucking you don't try to sit there and impress them You put on garden gardener gloves your finger pop them a little bit So you are And this isn't helping this guy at all. We're talking about other don't ever I'm trying to help other guys don't ever go down on a woman. You don't know ever You shouldn't do it ever and you should wait until you guys are in a serious relationship And then have her get tested and make sure that that that let me finish

That you're not going down on a goddamn sewer Yeah, the same same thing with the same thing with women Guys what guys stick their dicks half of them joined frats. They had a fucking ox at some point or some sort of farm animal You never oral sex is for someone you you're in love with. I don't give a shit if you're fucking into it You just you don't do it. Okay, so you can avoid something like this So this is what I would say listen if you think this girl's the one then I was just trying to be funny that by all means I guess you know do it, but you're also early early You said it you already said it. I don't need to say it again people heard it

There's a rewind button. I'm an I'm an I'm an hour. Well go grab and grab a mic. They're right there in the closet Yeah, why don't when you walk in here just come in with a mic and be prepared for the gig um Yeah, don't ever go down on somebody in a one night stand. I really need to make that into a bumper sticker um Last question if you really likes I said if you really like sir then then definitely pursue it But you know also do you want to deal with this shit? You also got to understand that you fall in and out of love with somebody in a relationship And when you're falling out of love with them when you're really getting mad

You're gonna be thinking herpes shit you fucking cold sore fucking motherfucker. You're gonna be thinking crazy shit Exactly just don't I mean if you're gonna pursue her whatever don't be using that is in your back pocket to throw in our face Because like I said anyone can get an sd at any time It doesn't mean you're a slut or you're a dirty guy that does a bunch of stuff irresponsibly sometimes shit happens It's life and other times you are Other times medication other times you're a filthy fucking whore a man whore or a female whore And what you do is you got to listen to you when you got an scd. You're fucking damaged goods So you got to come up with the fucking story. I I

This girl one time told me she had herpes. She told me she had it on her knee She said she was in a hot tub She told me She told me she was in a hot tub someone in there had it She scraped her knee and she just got it on her knee and as long as she didn't in this quadrants of nerves And as long as she didn't stress it wouldn't fucking move and gradually She starts telling me more of the story and it magically moved up to her fucking vegeje Yeah, she had fucking gentle or herpes and she didn't fucking tell me fortunately

I wore a goddamn condom And the second she told me the knee story. I was like shoving off the buffalo shoving off the buffalo You know everybody if you're out there that you know, you you run into shit Okay, but that's why you you always wear a fucking condom always always and yes And guys there's a lot of guys out there who can't fucking maintain a fucking erection Because they're so used to raw dog and that if you put that on it feels like they're wearing a winter coat all right This is what you got to do don't jerk off for a few days

And then try it because then you just be psyched anything is even and remotely touching you down there Or rub one out with a condom just get used to it It sucks, but i'm telling you this it's gotta be nothing worse than fucking waking up and having that shit, you know Of course, it's terrible and you and she probably feels really bad and embarrassed about it. So it's like And she could also be lying how she got it. She could be like him She could have been a fucking whore going out banging everything and that's how she got it Yeah, and you're right and people need to take responsibility if you get herpes You need to take like 50 of it. You're a hundred percent, right?

But i'm just saying I would just feel bad if someone was like, oh, I have herpes and nobody, you know Wants to be with me even though i'm trying. I know you're right. I'm trying. I'm trying to be funny I'm all trying to be funny. I'm also trying to give this guy some good advice Yeah, some good advice, you know, you don't have to settle in life But if you feel like this person's the one then definitely pursue it, but don't be fucking just sitting there You know the worst way to go into a relationship is if you feel bad for somebody. I feel bad. I want to help them It's fucking pathetic. You don't want to do that shit. You want someone who's your equal If not bet aim fucking I was telling this kid. He wanted to go to a prom

I go fucking definitely go to your prom and ask some girl that you think's out of your league That's how you improve your life. You shoot her. How the fuck did I end up with you? Yeah, I'm definitely out of here. No, I had low self-esteem that night and I was just like, ah, fuck it Oh, no, I'm just joking. We are an hour and 23 minutes into this podcast. I have even talked about the youtube videos I gotta go. These are the best fucking youtube videos that we've had in a while Fat kid reviews thin mince Fucking hilarious Guy throws bike to stop thieves. These guys these guys are stealing like a Vespa

And this this this fucking asian dude just takes his bicycle and throws it at him It's it's fucking it's chuck norris to the 10th power And then for those guys who love to watch a baseball manager yell at an umpire We have two Wally backman videos of him just absolutely losing his shit One of the ones hilarious like this guy Hits a foul ball on the other team and they call it a home run and this guy he just comes out He's already cursing. What what what the fuck was that wasn't even close

It wasn't even close and the umpire just goes. What are you talking about and he just snapped what the fuck do you mean? What am I talking about? It's awesome Um, and then the last one Is a comedian who's drunk off his ass just talking shit Ryan mervis, uh, check that one out. We're gonna put a couple of these videos up on my facebook page Uh, if you want the rest will be on the the mmpodcast.com if you watch it on my facebook page, please click the, uh The share button so other people see it and they get exposed to my comedy. I appreciate that we have a new, uh Donation button to the podcast if you guys would like to donate any sort of funds to the podcast

I would greatly greatly appreciate it because I have a web guy now who I have to pay I have overhead now It would be nice You guys could uh kick it some money there. I could give him a nice little fucking salary Everything could get a little nicer here. Yada. Yada. Yada. I'm also on twitter Uh, what what is my twitter name at bill burr at bill burr is my twitter name. I wasn't sure That's my handle. I wasn't sure if that was uh at bill burr or at bill burr.com But my twitter name is at bill burr and uh, that's it go Bruins. They're gonna kick the fucking habs ass tonight I'm not being the tip. You know what? I didn't even read. I bet dan shaughnessy that fucking

God of misery. I bet now he's writing about hockey. That's the only story. He doesn't know shit about hockey I bet if you didn't if you didn't give him luci each chara or uh Or fucking bobby or I don't think he could name five Bruins. I don't Total raybork cam neil you take all of them out That's it. That's a podcast for this week ladies and gentlemen. I hope you guys had a good time Uh, if anybody has an std out there, I hope that wasn't too fucking harsh. I'm not blaming you. I'm not being a dick. Okay

Yeah, be honest about it. Don't be a cunt because that's how you got it because someone else wasn't fucking. Yeah, that's right. Wrap it up Wrap it up. That's a podcast for this week. Everybody go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week So long that you don't love me. We don't get to see Pa's prince of ifte Chocolade edges Dahlers in the promo to see hippie cut my luscious. Van alles neem ik twee noemen. No I met the arc Van ons hier zal ik passen Ramadam o berk geniet van pa'sen en ramadan met het verrassend en divers assortiment van albert heijn

And kijk zeker ook naar de tweede aflevering op de wereld in het klein punt pe That is it. Lekker van albert heijn