Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-18-16

Episode Date: April 18, 2016

Bill rambles about getting mauled, French maids and vampires.

Hey what's going on, it's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, April 18th. 2016, what's going on, dude? How are ya? I don't even know where to start on this fucking one. How do you begin this one and still be sensitive? Sensitive, there's so many sensitive stories out there and when there's feelings there it unfolds, it takes a certain level of tact when you try to approach this subject. This fucking lady down at the zoo in Palm Beach, Florida, rest her soul, got attacked and killed, got mauled by a fucking tiger, sometimes referred to as the tiger whisperer, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada and all that fucking shit. I don't know what it is about people who fall in love with wild animals. There's nothing you can do to cure it. It doesn't give a fuck about you, it's not a dog. Falling in love with a wild animal, it's like falling in love with a stripper. It's just not going to end well. It's not going to end well. Fucking unbelievable. Now there's another story. This fucking scout leader takes a bunch of boy scouts, takes a bunch of children into the fucking woods. He goes into a cave and there's a fucking bear in there. So the whole story is, oh, it isn't amazing that the boy scouts kept their fucking cool. The guy knew, the scout leader knew, he pulled his shirt up over his face and then curled up into the fetal position, which I guess is the international bear signal, like, hey, man, I don't want any part of this, man.

And then the bear lost interest and walked away. But at no point, during all of this, does anybody say, hey, the fuck are you bringing a bunch of kids around with his bears just walking around? It's bad enough if you take your kids to the fucking zoo. The amount of times these goddamn things get loose, or at the very least some fatty is going to walk up to some polar bear cage, go over the fucking thing and stand there, you know, and then get fucking snatched by this thing. And what does she say? What for you? You fucking blow your brains out, you dope, right? So I'm not saying the lady who died in Florida was a dope. I'm just saying that. I don't know, you insert yourself into the situation and there's no good way to insert yourself into a mauling to death by a tiger. Because you know what that means. There was also they always just say mauled, you know, like it came up like like some prison shit and just stuck you with the shank. It didn't. It fucking crushed your neck. And then it started feeding on your innards. That's fucking brutal. Hang on a second. Nia. Okay. What are you doing? You coming in?

All right. Did you lock me in? Okay. Sorry. She just got she's freaking me out there. Like I got these new locks on the door. I thought she was locking the door. It's still early here and I just woke her up. So she's going to be a little grumpy. Nia, if you want to come in on the podcast, let me know. Oh, that silent spoke volumes. You know, I'll tell you right now, getting married is kind of like falling in love with a wild animal. You know, as much as you love them, don't get too close to the fucking enclosure. Yeah, let me get back to that. Why the fuck would you take a bunch of kids out like no at no point does anybody address that this guy took a bunch of fucking children out to where there's bears. And then they watched him get fucking mauled for half a second before he took his eyes off and yanked it over his head. That's what you're supposed to do. How have I been on the earth this long and not known that that's what you do when you run into the bear?

Is it because I'm not in scouting or is it because most people are smart enough to not be around bears, to not reenact the fucking scene from the Leonardo DiCaprio movie? What was it called? The Reconterre? I don't know what the fuck it is. The Revolent, the irrelevant, whatever the fuck it was called. I hate when they take some big word that already exists and just makes you feel like it's like, did they make that word up? And it's like, no, that word has existed the Revenant, right? That word has existed your entire life. Just you and everybody you know is too dumb to walk around and use it on a daily basis. And yeah, it's a sad feeling. It's a sad fucking feeling. I forget what I was looking at. Oh yeah. What to do if a bear attacks you? I can tell you right now, this is going to be 99.9% white people looking this shit up. It's where the dopes that go out there. I hate to do Jeff Jam material, but it's fucking true. Jesus fucking Christ.

2016 and you get mauled by a grizzly bear. There's no excuse for that. And you know how you know Hallmark doesn't make a card for it? There you go. You can go through all of that whole sympathy section. Sorry for your loss. Sorry you got this disease. Sorry I was a douche yesterday. There's no fucking sorry you got mauled by a bear. They don't because it happens so, so little. So few times. There's no reason for it. They should really make one of those. You know, they make it even better. It should like rhyme. I hate to look. I hate to stare, but your face got mauled by a bear. I'm really fucking sorry. And I was something about a trolley. Go fuck yourself. I hope you feel better. Tension all zookeepers out there. Those are not your friends and they don't want to be there.

And I think a lot of them realize the situation. They're not just sitting there fucking waiting for you to give them another fucking pile of cube steaks. They're sitting there. Even if they were born in captivity, I guarantee you that they are sitting there with this strange feeling that there has to be more than this. Look at me, dude. Look, I mean, if you're a fucking tiger, even if you're a tiger born into captivity, right, you're rolling around with somebody dressed in a safari outfit. Okay. And you're born with that person like it's your fucking mother, right? It's some fucking point. At some point, you know, just your ego alone with all those people showing up just to look at your taking your picture. There's no way there's no way to keep your four feet on the ground, you know, and not be like, dude, uh, why am I in a cage right now when everybody's coming up? You know, all I do is lay around every day and these people can't get enough looking at me. I mean, I mean, I'm the fucking shit. You know, when you just start, your ego just goes fucking crazy. And then you start looking like, you know, I don't know, you start testing.

They come in a little bit. You give them a little growl. You see it in their face. They got some broom handle. Right. You just sort of, you know, first time with your paw, test the strength of that fucking little broom handle. Like, dude, I could snap that thing. This guy's fucking shoulders. This guy's a pussy. You know, they're doing tiger push ups, you know, and then one day you're just like, you know what, as much as I'm enjoying this fucking raw meat, I have it every day and I need to switch up the diet. You know, when I maul you and I usually have belt is some dental floss. I know, I know what you're thinking right now. You're probably thinking, Bill, this is really fucking insensitive. Well, you know what? This is how I deal with sad shit. I joke around about it because I don't feel like thinking about everybody that loved that woman that now can never see her again. So, I mean, what am I supposed to do? And then also I like to feel that I'm being responsible by giving you some tips on how not to, you know, get mauled to death by a bear.

I just don't understand that. Like, what's so fucking funny about these goddamn scouts? It's like, why don't you just go in the woods? You don't have to go into the goddamn wilderness. You know, fuck brings a bunch of kids out there. I'll tell you, it brings a bunch of kids out there kind of guy that goes out and just walks into a fucking cave gets mauled by a fucking bear. Who the fuck walks into a cave in the middle of the forest? What kind of it? I mean, I'm not in scouting. I never was. I can't start a fire without a match. But I can tell you right now, my general instincts says that says that, you know, there's no apartment buildings out in the fucking forest. Okay. So a cave is like, that's like a townhouse in Brooklyn. You know, half these people, if they're fucking digging holes in the goddamn ground, curling up to hibernate and that is a fucking cave. All right. So you think everybody who lives out there, that's like fucking, that's like Beverly Hills level property. So who's going to get it? The strongest, sickest, craziest motherfucker out there. And that's a bear. You know, you're not going to walk in there and there's going to be a little fox in there like it isn't. It's going to be some fucking, it's going to be the king of the forest, which is a bear as far as I know.

Although I did see a mountain line, give it a couple of fucking, you know, pernell Whitaker's, you know, the more fast that guy was, they would just fucking right on top of his head and the bear just sat there and taken, you know, he had like the head movement of late of late Mike Tyson rather than early and he just took a few and then he just sort of started running away. It was a sad day, you know. Um, anyways, just imagine if you ran into a badger or a fucking Wolverine, those lunatics, badgers and Wolverines, they're like the Irish and the Scottish of the fucking forest. You know what I mean? Those things don't even quit even, even if they're losing. They just got that. I don't give a fuck, you know, blood all over their face. They're not stopping. They're going to keep coming just like the Irish and the Scottish fucking lunatics. You don't want any part, any part of that. Well, you know, I don't know. I don't know. Well, you know, I never even looked to say, okay, bear encounters in back country. If you encounter a bear on the trail or in your campsite, yeah, cause you're cooking food, basically the dinner bell of anything within fucking. Oh my God, look at the size of this fucking bear.

Oh, there's a lady fucking walking and there's a bear in the background. Guess what color she is. All right, be safe and bear habitat. Oh God, this is the first sentence. The level, I mean, as dumb as I am, the level of dopes that have to be coming to this website. Listen, this is the first sentence. It's normal. It's normal. I said normal. It's normal to be frightened when you encounter a bear. That's how this, this is, this is the jump off point. The reality is that most encounters with bears rarely, rarely lead to aggressive behavior and attacks are even rarer. Here they go, sucking into the forest. Hey, you know, I mean, it happens, but generally, here's a great lie. They're actually more afraid of you than you are of them. Yeah. And what do they do when they get, when they're afraid?

They either take off running or they fucking maul you to death and go, hey, you know, here's a bonus. The threat is gone and now I have a midday snack. Remember, most bears prefer to avoid contact with humans. That's hilarious. They're like the champion that doesn't want to fight, you know, just trying to hold onto the belt back paddle in the entire time until you corner the fucking thing. And any bear you do see is probably just as frightened as you are. There it is. Every fucking, you know what it is that bears don't have access to a mirror. They're living in their heads. You know, they're out there by themselves, you know, talking to themselves like, oh man, you know, love to find a cave or some shit, man. Right? And all of a sudden some, they finally find it. Nobody else is in here. You can fucking chill out, put an L shape couch over here, get a flat screen and all of a sudden this fucking guy comes walking in in his goddamn shorts. You know what he's thinking? He's thinking to catch a predator. He's probably seen that show too. Here comes this fucking pedophile. The bear thinks he's going to get fucked in the ass. The next thing you know, he's on top of this guy, right? And the fucking dude starts yanking his shirt over his head and then the bear is like, what the fuck? This guy's a bottom. You know? I thought this guy was trying to rape me and all of a sudden he's acting like we're making love here and he's being all submissive. This is fucking weird in me out.

What if he tells his friends that bears all homophobic and then he kills him? And well, you know what? There's a bunch of little kids watching it. All right? And that's what camping is. And I think, you know what? I have to, having worked that out right there, I think scouting should be illegal. You know what I mean? What are you doing, first of all? You know, dressing those little boys up like little French maids, you know, with their little scarfs running around. I mean, it's just, you know, wonder why you got all those sexual predators. Sex predators? Sexual predators? I don't know. Sexual chocolate? Anyways, remain as composed as possible and follow these simple guidelines whenever you're in bear country. Soon, you two will have more composure when sighting a bear because you know what to do. Scream bloody murder and run in the other direction. Actually, that's the exact opposite of what you want to do. You want to remain calm and take a step towards the bear that shows a level of confidence?

Fucking dopes. All right. First one, avoid, avoid, avoid. Yeah, like by staying in civilization. The best way to prevent an unpleasant bear encounter is to avoid them all together. Bears usually avoid people and most people don't even know when they've come close to a bear, exactly. To ensure a surprise or unpleasant encounter with a bear doesn't occur, avoid moving through bear habitat silently and alone. Travel in groups the larger the better and make lots of noise by talking or singing and put the iPod away and pay attention to your surroundings. Ah, Jesus Christ. I don't know about that. What if the bear is having a slow fucking couple of days and is hungry and you start, you know, I'm saying it in the rain, Scooby Doo, Scooby Doo, Scooby Doo, Zippity doo da, Zippity yay, you know, and the bear starts thinking like, you know what, I think it's worth the risk.

Even though I'm scared, I think I could take that fucking 140 pound dope. All right, when it happens, see how they wrote that? Instead of when you're getting mauled by the bear and you feel its breath and its fucking incisors ripping at your neck. When it happens, that's another way of saying that. Remain calm and ready your bear spray or other deterrent. What is it? Your underarm here? Stay together. If you're in a group, you will appear larger and more intimidating if you stick together. Try to figure out whether the bear is a grizzly or a black bear.

Hey, that thing running at its 40 miles an hour, if you went, oh, that's over, right? Fucking over. Try to figure out whether the bear is a grizzly or a black bear. As you will see below, grizzly bears and black bears tend to behave differently in a given situation. So it helps to know which species you're dealing with as it's running after you. Give me a fucking break. I just click here to see the difference. Bear is at a distance? Dude, it's a fucking bear. Look at these fucking things. Dude, the fact that one of these things could pick up Lawrence Taylor at the height of his fucking career and throw him through the uprights.

Get bear smart society. These fucking people, like, I don't get it. I mean, there has to be. Why can't you just go out in your backyard and just set up a tent? I mean, you are still outside. As long as you don't go inside, you are camping. It's not the same thing, man. I got to get out there where there's bears. I know what to do, right? If it's a black bear, black bear, they usually lead with the left. You know what I mean? The traditional, but a grizzly is a southpaw, so it's going to be a little bit weird. They definitely have a reach advantage considering when they stand up there about eight feet tall. So what you want to do is you want to stay outside his wheelhouse, okay?

And you want to circle away from his power bench. You want to circle to your left, staying away. The grizzlies want to load up that left. They go for the big shot. They try to steal around. Sorry, am I beating this to death here? There's no reason to get killed by a tiger in the United States of America. They don't live here. They're only one place. They're at the fucking zoo, and they're in cages. So at some point, you went into the fucking thing. What is the fucking thing? You just, I don't know.

Oh my God. What is the fucking thought when you get yanked in the second you get, oh no. It's got to be it. Oh no. Make it quick. I mean, the shit that would go through your head. I'm sorry. This is getting fucking morbid. So anyways, my condolences to the friends and families of the lady down there in Florida and my condolences to the guy with the members only jacket that he yanked up over his fucking head. You know, good on you, sir. I hope, I wish you more luck as you bring children into the fucking woods. Fucking idiot. What is it about putting on a fucking uniform that all of a sudden you think you know something?

I just don't get it. Well, I have, you know, I have all my badges on my shirt. I've been trained. Thanks for the memories. He's a jolly good fellow. That's what they should be saying. They should sing that, you know, we're never going to see you again. Music right before you go into the woods just to fucking remind you of what you're walking into. Anyways, so hey, the official finally, the official allow. I'm allowed to finally say it. F is for family has been picked up for a second season.

I actually got the news back in January, but for whatever reason, the way Netflix promotes stuff, which I would never question considering they're dominating the universe. They wanted to wait until last Friday, so it is now official. We are working right now. That's the stuff I've been alluding to that I've been working on and I was going to say, actually, this weekend I was writing an episode, so I missed all the fucking hockey. I saw the series that I'm watching in St. Louis versus the Blackhawks. And when I saw game two, I threw in the fucking towel. I was like, that's it. You gave a game to the Blackhawks. You cannot give a game to the Hawks. You know, you had your foot on their fucking neck.

The goal was fucking called back or whatever. I can't remember what happened. The goal got called back, right? Oh, Tarasenko's goal got called back and then it's just like that coach should have gone down the bench. No let down. No let down. No let down. Right. What do they do? They go out there. They're pissed. Tarasenko takes a stupid fucking penalty. The Blackhawks score the goal and they steal the fucking game. And I was just like, and I was texting my buddy.

I was like that right there is why the Blackhawks win every fucking year in St. Louis loses every fucking year. Whatever the Blackhawks have that ability to remain calm when they're down St. Louis for my whole fucking life has never had that. Right. Right after I said all of that shit, what are they doing game three? I didn't see the game. I just looked at the highlights. You know, they fucking took three quick penalties in the first period. Chicago scored on the first on the first one. If I was watching that game, I'd be like, here we go. Here we go. Chicago is going to win like the next four, the next four out of five.

And they're going to give St. Louis the all right there fret. St. Louis came back, tied it up 1-1. Chicago scores a goal in the second period, two to one. They're going into the third period in Chicago. This is always said, you know, it's over for the blues. It's always been that way since I don't know how long it's been going on forever. Not like the Blackhawks who give my whole life. I mean, shit, they went through a nice drought too. But like the new Blackhawks, like this series is over and fucking St. Louis came back,

tied it up 2-2 and then went ahead 3-2 with like six minutes left. And so a big congratulations to the St. Louis Blues, that huge fucking victory. And I can't wait to see the next game because I know the Blackhawks and I, you know, they're not just going to go out like that, right? You know, they're going to tie it up. They're going to go into St. Louis. This might go, I don't know, might go 7. I'm open for 7. You know, I don't give a shit, but I'm pulling for St. Louis. I think they're my team over Dallas just because, you know, Dallas was the North Stars, right?

They've only been Dallas stars for like what, like 20 years. Yeah, you know, I mean, those people down there, they have a bunch of cowboys. Who's kidding? You know, they're getting plastic surgery. You know, they got their oil well, their wife's wearing too much makeup. I mean, they're from Dallas. It's the big D. It's a football town, it's a football state. I love the fucking stars. I love the people on the stars, but like, I also like their fucking colors. They got Celtic colors. I like that. I still like the stars, but, you know, I think, I don't think it's time for the blues. They've been around since 67. They never won shit. So that's the team I'm pulling for.

G-Pill, how come you're not rooting for the Boston Bruins because we didn't make the playoffs? But who would have thought? Blackhawks are down. Two games to one to the blues, and the Kings are down 0-2 to the San Jose Shacks. And actually a buddy of mine who writes on F is for family before this all started, he goes, I don't give a fuck. He goes, the Stanley Cup goes through Chicago or LA, and that's what everybody was saying. Now, granted, we're only a couple of games in here. And granted, the Kings are playing the Sharks. And, you know, the Sharks are like the San Diego Chargers if they wore skates. You know, every year coming out, having this wonderful fucking regular season, and then they go in the playoffs and they just shit the bed.

So we'll see. They were up two games to none. I think game four, if you haven't been watching, is Tuesday night, the Blackhawks versus the Blues. So I would definitely be checking that out. And I think that's it. I think that's all I had on hockey, right? My Celtics, I watched them lose game one, but I'm just so psyched they're in the fucking playoffs. And they're a young team. They should have won the game. They should have been able to close it out, but they didn't. But they hung in there. They got had. They're just a little young. They just got to learn how to fucking.

They'll learn. Hopefully, you know what I'm hoping? I'm hoping that we get Kevin Durant. He would be a great fucking Celtic. Whether he does that or not. I mean, there's always some place. You know what's this? This is the most crucial time. And I since I can remember for the Los Angeles Lakers, where Kobe just fucking retired. Okay, their owner fucking died. So now they got the son fuckhead that he is. Sorry, that had nothing to do with the Lakers. I was just quoting. What movie was that? And then your son fuckhead that he is left his driver's life to romance.

Yeah, they have to make something happen. They got to throw their fucking money around. I don't know. They don't have the coach. They don't have this could be for the first time. You realize that the Lakers have won more fucking championships since 1970 than any other team in any other major sport. So I got to respect what they've done more so than what anybody else has done prior to that because prior to that was the 23 Skadoo years where the shit was in fucking basically black and white. You know, segregated leagues. The Stanley Cup was the size of a shot glass. You know, the Celtics used to win. There would be like fucking five white guys against five white guys, or maybe five against four white guys. And then Bill Russell was out there. You know what I mean? It's just it's just a completely different time.

You know, I don't know. We'll see. So anyways, let me do a little bit of advertising here. Sorry, my brain's all over the place and I still can't get over how fucking people get mauled. 2016. 2016. I mean, to get mauled to death by a fucking tiger in 2016, it's it's like. I don't know. I would say I think the probability of getting run over by a stage coach is is just as probable. Like how many people can you know what I can look that up? Death by stage coach. As you know, there's going to be somebody some wild wish show in Oklahoma fell off the chuck wagon. Okay, you know, it's going to be a guy to man killed under stage coach. Let's see if we get to see we get it. Did you mean man killed under stage coach one word? I guess I did.

Settling events stage coach robberies police ID man killed in stow crash. Fatal crash on stage coach road. 72 year old man was killed Sunday morning after a crash in West Lakeland Township. Another authority said a vehicle traveling northbound on stage coach road. I guess it doesn't happen. Never. Somebody got kicked by a horse. Something stupid, something that shouldn't be happening during this time. Bill, why can't you just admit that you were wrong? All right, I was wrong. It's more probable to get mauled to death by a tiger. All right, let's let's do read some of the advertising here.

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B-U-R-R, that's Stamps.com. Enter Burr. Alrighty. That'll take care of that. Fucking mauled to death by a tiger. You know, fucking, you know, attacked by a bear in the wilderness as you're walking around with fucking 20 children that aren't yours. I mean, that sounds like an episode of law and order. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

Like, what the fuck were you doing out with all of those kids? I found them. All right. My gym got delayed by some bullshit, you know, not some bullshit, just some shit. And I'm just like, no, do it right. They're like, we can do it this way or we can do it the right way. I'm like, do it the right way. So I have not been working out and I've been eating like shit because I'm just like, well, the second the gym's there, I'm going to fucking go like a madman,

but the gym's taking longer than I thought. And, you know, oh, Billy's starting to look like some overcooked mashed potatoes. And I'm not liking it. I'm not liking it one bit. All right, let's let's do some reads here. Let's do some reads. Oh, you know what? I didn't talk about any of the other playoff series, did I?

I think of the other NHL ones. The Filthy Flyers are down 2-0 to the Washington Capitals, and they are the perennial favorites of the Eastern Conference. Let's see real quick. Tampa Bay Lightning leads Detroit 2-1. Detroit won the last one. They're fucking red backs up against the ropes. Big victory there.

Islanders over Florida 2-1. Nash fills up 2-0 to none of a fucking Anaheim. Oh, this sucks, man. Fucking the Kings and the Ducks are going to get knocked out. No playoff hockey for old fucking Freckles out here. Dallas is up 2-0 to none. I'm completely in the dark with all of this bullshit because I'm going to be in a writer's room. I'm in the writer's room for the next 18 weeks total to write the second season.

And believe it or not, I'm actually finding that I love being in the writer's room. I thought it was something that I was not going to enjoy because of the freedom that I have as a comedian. But it turns out I really like writing scripts and I like writing dialogue and all of that shit. And we're having a great time, and I think you guys hopefully are going to enjoy it. So now your next question should be, Bill, how many episodes do they give you? 10 episodes for season 2, and when is it going to come out? Probably this time next year. It's animation, that's how long it takes.

I think they're saying May of next year is when it comes out, unfortunately. But that's how it works. But it's going to be worth the wait. But I hope and now that we're kind of going that once we do this one, we can immediately go into season 3. I don't know how it fucking works. I guess that wouldn't make sense. They got to see how many people watch season 2. I don't know.

I think by the time we finish season 5, it'll be 60. That's what I'm guessing. All right, let's do some questions here for the week. Come to Prague. Come to Prague. I'd like to go to Prague. Hey, Billy Wingnut. Just so you know, we started using your songs at circle time.

Circle time is every morning at 9.15 after yoga. It is songs and words and learning English. All the kids singing are Czech kids. Please come to Prague. The fuck is circle time? Sounds oddly filthy. Circle time. Prague.

Prague Linguistics Circle homepage. What the fuck? I don't know what that means. I can't tell you this, so I've stuck with the French of 51 fucking days, and now it's starting to just be in my head. I still can't speak it well. If somebody's speaking it, I pick out a few words, but like reading it, I'm crushing it reading.

I transcribed this whole fucking article about the Pope saying that, you know, as much as the Catholic Church has been against condoms, there are certain instances, you know, that they don't think it's bad to use them, you know, especially preventing the spread of HIV, AIDS, whatever, you know. And they said something about, you know, unprotected sex with male prostitutes. I think that that's what it said. I couldn't tell if it was that or men going to prostitutes. I couldn't quite get the translation, so I'm sticking with it.

And because on Duolingo too, if you do 100 days in a row, they give you a couple of trinkets, whatever the fuck that means. So I'm over the hump. I'm running downhill now, and I don't know. I just think I'm really doing it. Not only did I want to learn how to do it, but I just think it's funny if someone is dumb as me, becomes completely fluent in French. And then that gives me the opportunity to go to France or go to Montreal

and act like the dumb American and then listen to what they're saying about me and then just fucking hit them over the head with some fucking, I can't say perfect French, but like fluent French. Just watch their fucking little fucking pocket squares get all fucking in a bunch. That's why I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I don't know how long it's going to take me. I just want to have that moment just once in my life where I can just sit there

and have somebody trash me in a different language and they don't know that I can hear everything. I understand everything that they're saying just so I can look at them and then fucking come back and I'm like, you can say like, I knew exactly what you said. All right. Sorry. Most people want to learn so they can communicate. Not me. Not me.

I want to do it so I can have an argument on the other side of the world. What does that say about me? All right. A cooking question. Dear Billy, the butter-basting bitch. Ah, that was a, you know, see, there you go. There you go. Something original.

I like that. Made fun of my cooking. You kept the alliteration going. You called me a bitch in the end of it. I give that one four stars. Four stars. All right. Anyways, I am a huge fan and I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada.

My question is, thank you for blowing through all that. My question is, you used to talk about cooking all of the time, but now you rarely do. What gives? Did you stop cooking? If not, what have you made lately? Please make more cooking videos like the pie crust one you made. I need something new to jerk off to. Thanks, and go fuck yourself.

Yeah, I haven't been cooking. When I, when we write these episodes for, after this for family, I'm so fucking relieved I can finally talk about this shit. It consumes my life. I mean, I basically, I go in at 1030 every morning. There's usually some other bullshit I have to do. So I'm usually in there by 10 in the morning and then we fucking write all day till about seven.

And by the end of it, I just come home. I pour a scotch. I stare at the wall. I fall asleep. My dog wakes me up at seven. I take her for a walk. I come home. I have breakfast.

I try to bang out a podcast and maybe do a little bit of French and then I go right back to work. So I don't have time to fucking do anything. You know, I should do. I should start using blue apron. You know, I saw Mark Marin, he actually cooked a meal on it. It looked fucking delicious. But I, I should really start doing something like that because I have, I've been eating

like a sort of in a good way and sort of bad way. I had the best motherfucking burger I've ever had in Los Angeles and that is saying something. And if you'd like to know where to go, the next time you see me when you're in Los Angeles, if you ask me, I will tell you where the place is, but I'm not saying it on a podcast because I hate when Anthony Bourdain does that. And this is cool fucking spot. And then he makes it, he makes it fucking, you know, every Tom, Dick and Harry's got to go out there and then it comes on a new management.

The whole thing gets fucked up. So, or even if I'm out on the road, if I'm out on the road, just yell it out during my show. Hey, Bill, is that good burger spot you were in LA? You know, you bought a ticket. I'll tell you then. You listen to this podcast for free. You don't get the information.

Oh, is it delicious? The fries were okay. The soda was, you know, they had the Mexican fucking Coke and the Fanta Orange with the real sugar. Incredible, incredible tasting. That's where this country is right now. Coca-Cola is made better in Mexico than it is in the United States. What does that say about us?

You know, and is Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton or fucking Bernie Sanders even approached that at any point during this campaign? They might have. Lord knows I'm not watching. All right. So, no, where I last left, I was trying to learn how to make gnocchi and I failed miserably and my own wife, the woman who's supposed to love me unconditionally, sickness and health and good times and bad.

And when I made gnocchi, it was a bad time. And what did she do? Did she stick by me? Did she say it's okay and rub my head? Nope. You know what she said? She leaned over and she goes, hey, and I was like, what? And she got right in here and she goes, you shouldn't make pasta anymore.

She said, you shouldn't make pasta anymore. You know, maybe she knows me well enough to know that when somebody says something like that to me, that just makes me go, all right, I'm going to fucking master this shit. You know, I mean, it's not like, you know, somebody says you shouldn't sing anymore or you shouldn't dance anymore. I mean, I understand that. I mean, I fucking, there's just certain things, but I mean, cooking is just one of those things that you just do it.

You can learn how to do it. Like all these fucking people on the food network, they don't have any, they don't have any talent. It's just they just, you know, they didn't have any friends and they just fucking, you know, they started off making cereal and then they just kept progressing. I'm kidding. I know it's an art form. All right.

Fucking relax. Okay. Put your apron back on and go fucking make a souffle. All right. So, yeah, so I'm kind of stuck on that. But the next time I go to New York, I met somebody. It's very special. I met somebody in New York, a chef at this Italian restaurant.

And he told me, he's like the real deal, like right off the boat. So anytime you come to New York, he goes, I'll show you how to make pasta from scratch, blah, blah, blah, because I took a pasta making class and they were supposed to then email a bunch of shit to help you out. And they never had any follow through. And then I waited too long to try it again. And I finally, I kind of forgot some of the tricks. So that's where I'm at with the cooking thing.

And as far as making like the cooking videos, I did the pie crust thing because that was another thing I just thought was funny. Someone like me knows how to do something like that. But like, I can't cook better than most of the people out there. So I don't understand the point of it. Maybe if I, if I learn how to make gnocchi, I'll teach you guys how to do it. But I'll have to do it for a long time before I'll feel like confident enough to make a video.

Maybe if I fuck it up, it'll be funny. I have no idea. All right. Let's, let's keep reading here. All right. Garden. Oh, Billy topsoil. One of my favorite things you used to talk about was your garden and your steps towards

getting off the grid. My question is, do you still have a garden and are you still taking steps to get off yourself off the grid? I mean, I have a lemon and a lime tree. So I'll never get scurvy. No, I just the level of like commitment that that takes and you have to have like a fucking henhouse and shit. You know, I don't have time to become Mr. Green jeans.

And then what do I have to have a henhouse guy? I have to have the chicken guy. You know what I mean? It's like, as you accumulate shit, then you have to get the something guy, right? You know, you buy a fucking house. You immediately need to have a plumber. You got to have a fucking electrician. You know, you got to have a basically a handyman.

Okay, then what? Then you have a garden and you got to have a fucking landscape or gardening guy because you're too busy doing whatever you do for a fucking living. You get a pool. You need the pool guy. You know, you get a dog. You got the fucking dog guy, the vet guy, all of that shit. It's just more money flying out of your fucking wallet.

And I am very envious of people that have their own gardens and that type of shit. But I, you know, I have my little piece of fucking LA out here, which is not much. We all live on top of each other. I'm literally looking out my window right now and I see the roof of the person's house next to me. That's just basically how it works. You know, I look out the back, I look out my back window and I see the apartment buildings, the back of the apartment buildings from the street over. There's really not a place to plant some turnips, although I wish there was.

And I don't think I could really get away with like having fucking chickens and shit, some rooster crowing every morning because the noise ordinance is, noise is not supposed to leave your property. Although most people, the second they turn on their stereo, they break that fucking thing. But I would love to do it. I'd love to get solar panels and be off the grid, but you really can't be, you still have to give them a little bit of money. I forget, I don't know how it works, but they have some, I know how it works.

The president makes four and a grand a year. So they go, yeah, listen, fuck, oh, you want the second term? Make this a law. We said make it a law. Right. Next thing you know, it's a law because there's people who live in the middle of nowhere. The electric company finds them and then they like, they sue them and like, you have to give us money every month, which is, I just don't understand how that is legal.

That goes around so many things that this country is allegedly about that someone would force you. I understand taxes. It's like, yeah, dude, you want to live here? You got to kick in for the potholes. I get that, but you have to buy power from this fucking, no, I don't fuck off, but that's not how it works. It's not how it works. If you guys know how to do it, if you know how to get off the grid,

not because I want to be off the grid, not because I give a fuck that I give money to the power companies. I just, you know, when the shit hits the fan, I would like to be that beacon of light that all the zombies run to, right? He's still got a flat screen. All right, girlfriends wait. Oh Jesus, here we go. Dear Bill, I'm a 21 year old guy.

My girlfriend is 20. We've been taking, we've been talking for about six months now, and we just recently decided to make it official. Now here's the part where I need your expert advice. Oh Jesus, how should I go about telling her? I think she needs to lose weight. She's not a fat ass by no means, but she could lose a few pounds. Now I sound, now I sound like an ass.

I know I sound like an asshole. I think is what he's supposed to say. Yeah, I know I sound like an asshole, but I care about her and want to see her be more confident. Thanks for the help. I enjoyed the show in Long Beach. How do you say she could lose a, there is no way. What I would do is I would get yourself in great shape

and start getting her into hiking with you and like, you know, but you can't make somebody work out. You can't make somebody get in shape. You want to do it or they don't. And you know, that's like a major, major, major fucking, you know, you tell, telling a woman she needs to lose a few pounds is like, that's the female equivalent of them saying to you like, you know, your dick could be a little bigger.

It's devastating. I wouldn't say it to her, but you know, you also got to think, you know, at 20, if they could lose, if they're already getting out of shape at 20 years of age, you know, then what, then they have a couple of kids. They're going to be a fucking house. I mean, that's just something you got to be honest about. If someone doesn't take care of themselves, you know,

and this works both ways too. Ladies, like if you're with some guy and he's in his 20s and he's sitting there and he's already getting mantits, it's not going to get better. And you got to sit there and really just be like, how much do I love this person? Because I'm going to watch them slowly eat themselves to death. Because that's what you're doing.

And unfortunately, your chickens start coming home to roost in your 40s. Whatever the fuck you did, whenever you started to go off the rails at 16 or 17 with drinking, drugging, eating or whatever, right around when you get to your 40s is when the first like, like, God damn, that happened to him. I thought that was some old man shit. And you're like, oh wait, we're in our 40s because you still feel like you're in your 20s.

So I don't know. I would go a positive route. I would just tell her how, I would tell her, you tell her how good she looked. I mean, it's just fucking, I don't, there's no way to do it. But that is, there's no, that's a fortress and there's no door in. You know what I mean? There's no door in on that one.

You just have to just, if you're going to say it, if you just fucking say it, then you're really risking like hurting her really bad. You know what I mean? And who wants to do that? You don't want to fucking do that, you know? I wonder if women ever feel that way about guys. Like if there's anything like this, like, you know what, you just can't say that to a guy because that will hurt them too much.

Do they ever think shit like that? I think shit like that with women. There's just certain things you just, you just don't fucking say. Like what is all I'm going to do is hurt her and ruin her for the next person when she fucking eventually comes to her senses and dumps me. And then you'll be like, you know what this guy said to me one time? We were going to Wendy's. And I ordered a double cheeseburger and he interrupted.

He said, no, no, no. She wants the single. You know, being that guy. No, I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. I can't tell you this though. I feel like when you are, you know, aside from just owning it to yourself to try to stay in shape,

when you're in a relationship with someone to just fucking let yourself go and just become a fat fuck and, you know, just not have the consideration that somebody is sort of obligated to have sex with you to just try and remotely keep yourself looking halfway decent. It's really a selfish fucking thing, you know, but we live in the age of a lot of times the victim is, is not is considered like the antagonizer. You know what I mean?

I would never do that to me. I would never just fucking put on a hundred fucking pounds. Just come waddling into the fucking bedroom. You know, roll over on top of her and she would be completely grossed out and every woman listening to this probably just went picture that. Me a hundred pounds heavier naked sweating on my upper lip crawling into fucking bed. Yeah, exactly. Isn't that disgusting?

Well, that that's a two way street sweetheart. You know, we don't want to see you come fucking waddling into the room. You know, your hips taken out the fucking door jam. You know what I mean? It's just, it's not a, it's not fair to either person. You know, when you really look at it, nobody understands that more than gay guys. I would say that gay guys have the most respect for the fact that someone's going to hook up with them. You know what I mean?

I wonder if they have pound for pound in the best fucking shape than anybody else. Or is it because they're trying to attract guys and they know guys are, I can't even say that shallow because they always say that guy's a shallow. When it comes to that, we are, but like you fucking hold up something shiny. A woman's like, I want that. You know, they're just as bad, right? Oh Christ, I'm all over the map. All right.

On trial for a joke. All right, Bill. Did you hear about the entertainer who might get prosecuted for his poem that trashed a head of state? What country? They're calling him a comic, but I think maybe Europe's version of a comic, not the traditional standup. Well, it depends on where you go in Europe. Europe is a, you know, it's not the biggest continent, but that's a, it's a long fucking trip from Paris over to Moscow. I think Moscow is technically still in Europe, isn't it?

I know the West coast of Russia is, you start getting into the Eastern Europe, dude. And I'm, you know, I mean, they still have vampires out there. So you can only imagine how that would affect the art of standup comedy. I don't know what I'm talking about. All right. And Angela Merkel gave the go ahead to the Turkish prime minister to make an inquiry, which basically means put on trial all because of a stupid poem thoughts. I hate when people do that.

Thoughts? Hmm. Talk about that. Yeah. There's a bunch of countries that are just getting their first taste of standup comedy, and they are going through their Lenny Bruce years, which is what happens. That happened to Lenny Bruce. He was put on trial.

He was arrested for obscenity and all of that type of stuff. This is what happens. And once the government realizes that it's just jokes and that a standup comic doing an hour of jokes is not going to cause a revolution and that they can relax and continue to fuck over their own countrymen and sleep well at night doing it, then they usually ease up on it. And people are allowed to, you know, do standup comedy. Like what's funny now is what's happening is there's this new, you know, sort of, I don't know what you would call it, Lenny Bruce time, but it's just more through people in the crowd

though, but it's not the government anymore. So it's really no big deal. It's just, you know, people with agendas and websites and shit like that, you know, clickbait clickbait people, right? All right, boyfriend wants to have sex with other girls. I wonder if there's a way to basically support that person. Angela Merkel, can I help pay for the lawyer, kick in, you know, all the comics around the world, take fucking throw 20 bucks at it and they can tie it up in the Turkish courts.

Could that happen? I don't fucking know. Oh, you know, I want to look that up. I'm glad you brought that to my attention. I know that there was some somebody in Canada, the same thing happened. And it's one of those things where it's like you want to talk about it, but you also don't feed that fucking beast and give it all types of notoriety. But then you're also going, well, that's a fellow comic going through that shit.

There's got to be a way in a stealth way to hopefully put that fire out. You know, when I was in India, the podcast I did, the guys over there, they were going through some shit because they had a, they did a roast and everything was fine. Everybody laughed. And then they put it up on YouTube and, you know, there's like 40 million different religions there and somebody complained and, you know, they were in a definitely a, what's the word I should use? They were in a, they were in a situation over there when I, you know, which is hilarious.

Then I'm fucking walking down the street with them. Like, oh yeah, am I going to get fucking arrested because I'm with you guys? You know, it's fucked up. I only spent 24 hours in India and I already miss it. I really want to go back. I had such a good time in the 24 hours, despite the fact I had to get a piece of paper to leave, which was really fucking creepy. But I was weird, man.

I didn't, I didn't know what I was thought I was going to think when I went there, but I felt an odd connection when I went there, which is one of the coolest things when you travel. Like when you go, every place you go to is going to be great. But when you actually go to a place like, why is this fucking place feeling like, like a home? Like I relate to these people more so than a lot of countries I've been to. I was over there going like, God, that guy reminds me of Rich Foss.

Maybe because I hung out with a bunch of comics. I have no idea. Anyways, boyfriend wants to have sex with other girls. Hi Bill. Hi Bill. My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years. Recently we had broken up for a little less than a month, but we started talking again. We broke up because although he loves me and wants to be with me.

Sorry, I'll be all right. He still wants to have sex with other girls. Our sex life isn't a problem because we fuck on a daily basis. Most of the twice a day, she was supposed to write time, most of the time, twice a day, and he always says on the best he will ever slash will have. He also believes that there is a very slim possibility that there might be something better for him and that he wants to experience other people before possibly spending the rest of his life with me.

He's 25 years old, so he is pretty scared about staying with one person for the rest of his life. We are both not ready for marriage or that type of relationship, but I feel that ending a two and a half year relationship over his urges isn't the right thing, especially since he still loves me and wants to be with me. He's pretty unhappy, but he knows that being with other people won't help because he will feel the exact same way as he does now. He tells me that I am amazing and beautiful and he wants to have a perfect relationship,

so I don't understand why he wants to leave that for something that is most likely going to be shittier. I can't go through another breakup with him because it was horrible. While we were broken up, he did have sex with one girl and talked to multiple girls, but he didn't feel any better and he was still unhappy without me. Please help. I don't know what to do and maybe this can help him as well. Thanks a bunch.

Well, first of all, I'm not a fucking relationship expert, but first of all, I got to give him kudos for just being honest, saying that this is what I want to do. Well, I'll talk to you because he didn't write in, so I would just say that unfortunately, this is where he is at 25 and you're not. So, if he wants to fucking go out and do whatever the fuck he wants to do, you know, let him and then I think you should get on with your life, but I don't think it's healthy for you to have him keep calling you during this time when he's out there fucking other people, but still fucking with your emotions.

So, I think you let him go and let him go do whatever the fuck he wants to do, but there's you don't have any contact with him. That might be a guy thing where you need some sort of closure or some shit and gradually talking and then talk less and less and less. I don't know. I'm a fucking psycho when it comes to that shit. So, that's what I would do. I would say at this point, what he's doing is he's trying to do what's right for him,

so you have to do what's right for you. He's putting himself first and his wants first, so you should do the same thing. And there's nothing wrong with what he's doing. He could have fucking lied and said that he didn't have urges and then gone and fucked around. And you know, no matter what, he was going to end up hurting you, but he did it the right way. He told you he broke up with you and yeah, he's got to go figure some shit out, but I don't think he needs to be calling you up and talking to you after a month and getting

your heart going again and giving you hope. And then, but I don't know what I want to do, but I still love you. But yeah, go fuck yourself with your wishy-washy shit. All right. You know, you're beautiful, you're young, you got your whole life ahead of you. You know, fuck them. Just fucking, I don't know. Why don't you have a little u-time over the next two to three months.

See where you're at. There's a little list. Figure out what you want out of life. You know, who knows? Who knows? Maybe he'll come back to you and be like, you know, it sucked and you want to take him back. Maybe you won't, but I think you need to focus on yourself and not him.

That's what I would do because you didn't pull the trigger he did. So there's no guilt on your end, but it's a shitty thing to do to do that to somebody and then come back like a month later and drag you through that hell all over again, but then not get back with you and make some sort of a commitment to just go back and be like, oh, you know, I hooked up with one person, but I still miss you. You know, because then you're going to be like, yeah, so what does that mean? Does that mean he loves me and you got to sit there playing that mental tennis? Fuck all that.

Fuck all that. Yeah, right there. Wishy washy. We'll see you. Just tell him what you need. You need, yeah, 100% commitment. That's it. You're either in it or you're out of it.

I respect you the fact that you're honest, but you know, I don't need you fucking hemming and hawing every fucking four weeks, dragging me back down to that emotional pit. I'm done. Get on with your life. That's what I would do. You know, this fucking jackass and then the second you're getting on with your life, he won't want to lose you and then he'll come back and just so he won't lose one of those fucking guys.

That's what I'm thinking. Yeah, I would get on with your life. That's what I would do. I hope that's good advice. I had no idea. All right. That's the podcast for this week. Thank you guys for listening and thank you to everybody.

From the bottom of my hat, who watched the first season of Effaces for Family, we're really going to try to outdo what we did in the first season and try to make them as funny as possible. All right. That's it. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday. See you. Thank you.