Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-2-12

Episode Date: April 3, 2012

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about skinny jeans, ghost towns, and sucking at hockey.

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How's it going? I almost said 2011. Isn't that crazy? Four months then? I just did some dumb shit. I just got up off the couch. And I had to close the window, because I'm in New York City right now, sitting on a couch that I used to own, that I sold to Joey Roses. You know, I don't know what the fuck he did to this fucking thing. It was a leather couch, you know? The kind of couch that a single man buys.

A leather couch. Easy to clean up. If you know what I mean. Alright, I don't know what the fuck he did to this thing, but I'll tell you right now, I'm glad I don't own it anymore, because the leather, the leather has lost its luster. I asked him, I'm like, what the fuck did you do to the goddamn couch? What is this stuff on it? He's like, oh, I guess I sleep in here sometimes in my back sweats.

It's fucking disgusting. It's fucking disgusting. Joe DeRosa back sweat. There's an album title for you, huh? The couch is ruined. Thank God I don't own it anymore. Anyways, I'm here in New York City, and you know, I'm back here in New York City where all the real people are, right?

That's what I've heard since ever since I moved out to LA, that this is where all the real people live. You know, I just don't like LA, man. It's just so plastic and phony. Oh yeah, post all those honest guys down there on Wall Street. Everybody tells you like it is. Tells you like it is in New York City. I just saw this douchebag.

No, I wasn't looking in the mirror. He had on the tightest fucking jeans ever, yet they were still sagging in the ass, and I swear to God. You know? They look like those, what are those things called? Sheens. Teens, one of the tights and jeans.

Shingles, what the fuck did they call those things? Nothing they look like, but they were actually real jeans, that this fucking idiot. That's like one of those people, right? And then he gets the shit kicked out of them, and then what, you're supposed to feel bad? Human being to human being, yes, you feel bad, but you know, there isn't such thing as asking for it.

Fucking sit there and jam your goddamn man legs into those fucking things, and then walk around with your droopy ass, and just think it's, you know, son, what did you think was going to happen? If I ever had a kid and he's wearing please beat the shit out of me clothes, I mean, it's going to be so fucking hard

when he comes home with the shit kicked out of him. I understand son, I understand it hurts, but you know, what did you think was going to happen? You know, why don't you just wear an itchy turtle neck sweater? And I know what you're thinking out there, listening right now, you're probably thinking, well, why can't somebody wear tight jeans that are droopy in the ass?

You can't wear them. All right, you just got to realize, we don't live in a utopia. You know, I'm not saying I would do it. I don't do things like that. I just think about doing them. Like when I was on the plane right out here, this woman was talking so loud two rows in front of me,

and she was in the aisle, and I was two rows back in the outside aisle, and I just wanted to punch her in the mouth like through the right behind her ear, you know, and just have my fist come like right through her mouth, you know, pushing her voice box

and tongue right through the back of her teeth. It's a violent thought, I realize it. You know? I don't know what the fuck I'm going to talk about. I'm like a lot of you guys, I did a bunch of shows this weekend, and I boozed until like 2.30 in the morning with Paul Verzi, New Jersey's own Paul Verzi,

sometimes a Jet Fan, sometimes a Giant Fan. You know, now I'm hanging in New York with the sensation, Joe DeRosa, you know, who's dressing very dapper lately. I got to give it to him. He's dressing very fucking dapper. Um... Oh, fuck.

This is one of these goddamn shows. You know what, guys? Can I just erase this and start over again? You know what the problem is? This is one that I would stop and start over again. I just don't have the fucking time. You know? I got to go to the fucking airport.

Sit next to a bunch of cunts. Everybody's a cunt but me in the world. I don't know what it is. Why can't people be more like me? Dude, is it me? It was Lady Gaga. She looks like she's like some 60-year-old woman from Eastern Europe. Doesn't she? Like she chopped firewood her whole life.

That's what her face looks like to me. You know, I always wondered why she wore all those masks, and then one day she was not masked, and I was like, oh, I get it now. She's not an artistic statement. She looks like a bird that hit somebody's windshield, going like 30 miles an hour. Okay, that's just fucking mean.

I don't know. I don't want to be this guy. Am I going to be the mean guy? Two weeks in a row. A little fervor last week. Last week I stirred up, you know? Got a little buzz on the internet. People were all upset because I made fun of Bob Dylan

and male breast cancer. People got really upset by that, you know, anything else you got upset by, I don't understand. But those two things, I really understand why you got upset by them. I played a couple of old theaters. I was in Wilmington, Delaware,

you know, supporting Joe DeRosa by going on after him doing an hour, and Wilmington, Delaware is yet another wonderful fucking city. Beautiful buildings right along the water, right?

I don't know if you've known for it, but it's one of those cities that at 5 p.m. everybody just gets the fuck out of dodge and all the restaurants close, you know? And then, you know what happens? You like checking to the hotel

and it's all fucking regular people walking around. And then you go upstairs, right? You eat a little sandwich or something like that. You come down to get dinner. The whole fucking, the whole city's like, there's nobody there. The second shift of people, all these zombies start limping down the goddamn street

and you're like, where the fuck did everyone go? Is it one of these cities? That's what I ask people, whenever I go to those cities, they go, all right, what happened? Because you can see in the architecture at one point it was a wonderful city. You know, things were made there. Money was made.

Women were fucked. Food was eaten, right? Sun was watched, rising and setting. They were made there and now everybody fucks up. So it's always one of three things. Either the factory shut down, there was a race riot,

or there was the flood of 19 whatever and they never fucking recovered. Those are the three things that take out a fucking city. You know, it was up in Troy, New York, same goddamn thing. Beautiful fucking buildings, you could see it.

This place used to be the place to go. You know, I don't know, back in 1930. What are you taking her? I'm taking her to Troy, New York. God, Jesus, you're going to get laid tonight. Troy, right? It's fucking beautiful. Then I come by, what, 80 years later,

fucking party's over. These beautiful buildings, all boarded up. No one can find the fucking theater. Then there's just that one old theater and I'm performing there, right? People always tell you that it's haunted. Like you're supposed to be nervous.

You know, I'm not a big fan of ghosts. I don't respect them. Kind of like soccer. I feel the same way about soccer as I do about ghosts. You know, I just don't respect the game. Both of them

are played by bitches. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm just sitting here sweating on this fucking couch. No wonder goddamn thing looks so bad. Oh, God, what can I do here? I'm eight minutes in, everybody. This is, you know, this is like when you guys come in hungover for work, right?

You just wait for the roach coach to show up at 10, 15. You're like, what the fuck is going on with my life? How did I choose this? Why am I fucking her? You know, I gotta clear something up. Some guy wrote into me this week. See if I got here. This guy said, Jesus, what are you doing?

I got this stupid fucking iPad from Nia. These fucking things. Now, how do I get rid of this thing? Can I go over this way? No, I can't. That sense... All right, here we go. Is this right?

Is this how I do it? Steve Jobs, you fucking cunt. All right. Steve Jobs is the worst. Thank God he's gone with his stupid fucking inventions every three days. I got the new thing. Now, now you don't. Here's the next thing. All right, really gay question.

Bill, I'm a gay guy and a fan who has never has, never has any problem downloading your podcast. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'd send you a free fucking DVD if you gave me a fucking address. How many of you cunts who just can't? What's with the podcast?

I can't download it. What is with you? It's not me. My website is fine. It's never crashed. Anyways, you say I mentioned that because in the comments every week, your listener seemed to think there is some correlation

between not being able to download it and being a fag. First, they're actually quoting one of my jokes. If you haven't seen the joke, okay? If you think I have a bunch of homophobes. I did this bit called, what are you a fag? And it had to do with, it was actually

anti-homophobia. Although some gay people, the second I end up in yell homophobe and run out of the room. I call that story Seattle. Anyways, first, this email isn't meant at all to get you to censor or to be

PC. I like your stuff a lot. Your point of view is hilariously balls out and usually different from the same old comedy cliches. But, I'm curious with all the hundreds of things you and your listeners identify as gay, do you really still think most gay guys are the old stereotypes

on most sitcoms and in Leno's monologue jokes? Oh jeez, is he going to talk down to me, sir? Is that what it is? Is that what you're going to do here? Yeah, I think that. I think you all go like, the food is here. Don't you guys sing everything easy?

Really? Of course I don't think that. It's just funny. And not to mention when we say stuff is gay, it has nothing to do with homosexuality. Okay, when you say, you know, you like this lamp? Oh, it's fucking gay. Why is it gay? Look at it.

It's gay. It just means it's lame. You know what it is? It just gives you that anything that gives you that feeling of it's not love. I don't know what it is. I don't even know what the word is.

What is that fucking word when you're just sitting there, you take a night off from work and you're sitting there with your girl and you rent a video, whatever the fuck you do now, snap your fingers

and it appears in your TV. I'm so fucking far behind. I can't even use an iPad. I don't know what your kids do nowadays. Back in the door, you went to a fucking video store and pretended to want to watch a fucking romantic comedy when you really wanted to walk through those saloon doors and look at the porno.

That fucking feeling when you come home and you're sitting there and you've made some food and your girl gets all excited and is like it's just us just us just enjoying each other whatever that fucking feeling is that's gay.

I don't know what to call that fucking feeling to me that's gay. Not even once in a while I'll look like a fucking chair or a lamp or someone asks me to do something and I get that same feeling like that's fucking gay I don't want to do it. I don't know what to do with gay people, alright?

So don't get sensitive on me, sir. I know you're not. I know this person's not being a dick. So anyways, he says do you guys think we're all the gay guys and the old stereotypes of the sitcoms or in Leno's monologues? Is it because the ladies make you watch Doprah

and the view the view hags who just love having gay guy girlfriends because they love emasculating men that they can. Oh, I get this guy. This guy's a bear. He's one of those gay guys. You know, the kind of guy you're hanging out with

on the construction site and somebody picks on you right and this guy comes to your rescue fucking turns them all into a pretzel you know, you're like Jesus Christ that's a fucking guys guy and then all of a sudden he just sits down and just something about the way he's crossing his legs you're like what the fuck is with this dude

alright and then one day he just says listen I got something to tell you I I see what you're saying I get it that's like me being a German Irish guy and I'm like we're not all Nazis and drunks but you know if you put on the history channel

or if you go out on St. Patrick's Patty's Day, you know you're defined by the worst of your group unfortunately that's kind of how it works but no, I don't obviously don't think people like that. I saw Will and Grace then they have both ends of the spectrum

Will was sort of like you know just a regular guy and then the other guy was just like oh my god right singing my lines no, I thought that guy was actually good

right why do I answer these fucking questions you know, all it does is just expose how fucking stupid I am so anyways he says so do you still think after seeing the gay soldiers in the news and the boring normal gay marriage activist dude, I don't think that

nobody thinks that, actually some people think that no, I don't think that, alright I'm just breaking balls, they're twinkle toes are the only gay guys I'm just gonna keep reading the rest of this for whatever fucking reason are the only gay guys who have been out to you really just hairdressers

and interior decorates, sir how many examples are you gonna give me alright okay, I'm done with that, no I don't think they're all like that alright, so this is what I'll tell you, yeah I understand that some of you guys look like Mike Ditka and act like Mike Ditka

yet you know, don't like Mike Ditka for the same reasons I do I understand that, sir I think a lot more people do understand that you know, yeah there's all kinds of stereotypes out there alright, look at them they're all redheaded male, you know

you think I don't want to be a fucking you know, star in an action movie and be the guy who knows every type of karate and kick the shit out of people and shoot the gun do you think they're ever gonna give that role to a fucking freckled faced pasty redheaded jackass like me, they're not

alright who am I gonna be I'm gonna be the guy who needs to be rescued or the guy who's good with computers alright we all got a fucking axe to grind, sir alright, so maybe you were just checking in maybe you were just making sure

you know, I didn't even get his joke a really gay question, like I'm gonna say that question was gay, you see what he's doing he was like mocking me and showing his sense of humor at the same time, you see that he was testing my intelligence while flirting I had a gay question last week I said what do you call a group of gay men

this gay guy says evidently they're called a giggle a group of gay men are called a giggle no they're not there's no fucking way all gay guys call a group of gay men giggles you know who call that douchebags who happen to be gay, I'm sure that they say that

a giggle go fucking blow someone um I swear to god, if I was ever to have the charisma of a mass murderer that's who I would kill douchebags all groups would be allowed to stay

around but you would have to prove to me that you weren't a douchebag and if you were then who would you make fun of gay men age well because they don't have to deal with women that was another question I had from last week if you guys are wondering

this podcast sucks it's like fucking 900 degrees my old fucking apartment I swear to god it's just did I look at it during the winter I don't know what the fuck it was remember the guy showing it to me going you know that's all kinds of light

a lot of sunlight it's fucking killing me here hey how about a little bit of advertising at this point everybody would you like to hear some advertising sure we all would stamps.com I try to make this entertaining

every week everybody I'm running out of ways to talk about how to get the post office into your fucking apartment alright I've been talking about this for weeks at this point and if you haven't signed up I don't know what your problem is what do you like to punish yourself

you like that guy in that movie about the bible who took that thing and was slapping himself on the back with it with the spikes that guy flogging himself that's when I tapped out of that movie the second I saw that guy doing that it's like there's no way somebody's doing that

you know what kind of a douchebag is working for somebody else and beating the shit out of themselves well I guess those Japanese guys do that don't they they fuck up they cut their finger off those guys in the Japanese mafia you know just knowing that

that's something that could possibly happen considering I'm a total fuck up why would you want to join that yeah let's say you want to join this group you know you get nice clothes nice cars but if you fuck up you gotta you gotta cut your own finger off hey you know what there flashy guy

why don't you go fuck yourself how about that why don't you go out and go kill somebody what happens when you fuck up there there kingpin what do you cut off do you cut off anything your fat fuck why don't you have another pork chop I thought you guys were supposed to be in shape

like that that was my little fantasy interview to get into the yaku moza whatever the fuck it's called over there uh Stamps.com everybody it's important to look professional to your clients customers and partners this is the intro they give me who doesn't know that oh I thought it was important to look unprofessional evidently people

when you're in business you want to look good look let's just let's just get down to brass tax here alright nobody likes going to the post office you dread it it is one step above going to the DMV alright you're going to walk in there it's just going to be a C

of a word that I can't use when I'm doing an advertisement alright it begins with C and ends with UNT um it's important to look professional placing regular stamps in your letters and packages won't do the trick and leaving and leasing a postage meter is just too expensive uh take my

advice use stamps.com instead yeah why do you want to lease why do you want to lease a postage meter you know once again you're serving somebody else fuck those guys who lease their meters

keep your fucking meters this stamps.com you know what they do they give you a scale they give you a scale plus $110 bonus which includes the digital scale and $55 worth of free postage alright don't wait go to stamps.com before you do anything else dude you can I've been talking about this

for weeks you can mail stuff in the middle of the night or at least get it prepared to you know after you went to some sort of free porn site you're like oh wait a minute I have a letter to mail I have a package to weigh you got a little scale

it's fun you know what you feel like you feel like you're in kindergarten you're playing post office you know except it's real you know kind of like if you were playing Medal of Honor and all of a sudden you join the military right you're like oh my god this is what first person looks like

this is this is this is the post office version of whatever example I just gave I can't even remember I'm so getting some fucking heat stroke here um anyways you go to stamps.com you click on the radio microphone at the top of the home page and type in burr

that's stamps.com enter burr burr you get $55 of free postage and $110 bonus offer which includes the $55 in the digital scale alright there we go I got it out of the way everybody how was that that wasn't a bad read was it this is one of these weeks where I'm just going to have to

read everything maybe this will spawn something funny look at me out of breath that's when you know you're bombing on your own podcast you know um hey Bill this this is entitled afraid to break up with girlfriend I'm going to read slow so this takes up as much time as possible

hey Bill um I'd like to get your advice on something I've been dating my girlfriend for almost a year now and I've been thinking about breaking up with her well it's time to break up with her sir alright and dating her for a year you know you think

about breaking it's time okay he says we get along fine and we rarely argue I was just thinking of a great way a great way to break up with someone they should invent like a breakup suit right just something where you just cannot get injured

and you just put the thing on with the fucking helmet you don't wear the helmet you just put the ones he zip up on which totally protects everything right and then you get in the passenger seat and you let her drive now why are you going to let me drive you just drive tonight but you always like to drive honey you just drive

okay why are you wearing that suit it's all going to make sense in about five miles you get out on the fucking highway and you just start talking to her out of no way you just put the helmet on you know and she says what are you doing

and just say listen I don't want to go out with you anymore and then she goes what and you go hey watch this and you just open the door and you roll out of the fucking car that's it you're out you know type up a fake police report you tell them that you died then she feels bad for you

you don't have to deal with any sort of repercussions anyways he says we get along fine and we rarely argue but I'm starting to realize I don't really want to be with her for the long haul and we started dating this fucking thing these ipads suck by the way

you know what an ipad is it's a fucking laptop for pussies what's the matter your laptop is too heavy your fucking douchebag this thing doesn't have a keyboard it's got nothing you think that they don't know how to make this thing into a fucking laptop already of course they do this is the steve jobs

way of doing things rather than just giving you the whole fucking thing he's going to give it to you in increments like a goddamn drug dealer you know that's why I haven't bought one of these yet this is Neas by the way I borrowed this fucking thing and I am not enjoying it

as you can tell as I'm throwing a temper tantrum here you know when I'm going to buy a fucking ipad I'm going to buy it when it is a laptop when it is a little light laptop until then I'm not having this fucking this is like this is like when you go I really want to get the new Camaro

and then you get the one with the v6 engine and get the full out one with the stick shift which is a laptop right it's too heavy you know fucking work do shoulders at the gym next time you do that okay maybe do that maybe you do some stuff to build up your wrists

oh god Bill can you get through the question all right I will he says when we first started dating I loved hanging out with her but I'm just not into her anymore does that make me an asshole no it doesn't why would your own true feelings make you an asshole sir how awful were your parents

he says I'm 23 years old with a somewhat you know something I'm really being a cunt this week this guy is asking for my advice let's try to bring the anger down Bill you're frustrated it's fucking hot in here you can't open the window because you say cunt too much

this building is a co-op and they'll kick you out okay that's what's going on here it has nothing to do with this person okay so why don't you just try to be a nice guy so I should have done off the mic like I'm scolding myself just try to be a nice guy let's not take out your bad day on everyone else okay you're embarrassing me

alright I'm 23 years old with somewhat of a decent job and really just want to go back to being single for a while exactly dude you're 23 years old dude you're a fucking movie star at that age I don't care what you're doing for a living you should definitely be single

I said the problem is she's got a lot she's got a lot of stress in her life right now not your problem she's going to go to school and trying to find a job alright we'll tell her to put on the outfit banger one more time and hey watch this you bail out of the car

ah that's mean anyways he says oh and she has a history of depression over the past year I feel like she's becoming emotionally dependent on me like I'm keeping her going or something well Jesus Christ no wonder you want to get rid of her

you don't want this you know you want something that's going to be fun to be around you don't want her you know it's sunny out she's like it's raining out fucking head under the pillow

one of these days you know you stay with that long enough one of these days you're just going to he's going to smother with that pillow anyways so how do I go about breaking up with her while causing the least amount of damage he said also

she always leaves some of her shit in my apartment yes because she she wants to fucking oh yeah she's clinging on to you he says clothes, blanket, other random shit I try to get her to take her shit home with her but how do I avoid after the after

breakup coming over to get my stuff I hate that anyway go fuck yourself alright look there's no there's no easy way to break up with somebody alright there's just easier ways

the sooner the better um oh this is like dismantling a bomb see you know what you would like to do is say hey can you come by today I want to talk to you about something

right and then immediately just take out a box put all of her shit in it tape it up and then she rings the bell bing bong you open the door you go yeah don't want to date you anymore and you just hand her the box and close the door right

dude there's money to be made in this man does anybody have a professional breakup service that's such a pussy thing to do but that would be phenomenal you know you feel you make your person feel like they got fired you know like when a corporation fires you and just two security people

show up you know confiscate your computer and then escort you out of the building wouldn't that be great dude that's what you should do just hire two of your friends to dress up like security guards tell her you want to break up you know and then they have all her shit in the box and then they escort

escort her right out of your apartment building like she got fired they come off as professional rather than like personal um how do you go about breaking up with it you know what I would do I wouldn't put all her shit in the box because that's going to come off cold

you know and you don't want to hurt her feelings like that so I would just oh fuck it I don't know I don't know how to do it why did I drink last night and then I got up and did open Anthony what the fuck is wrong with me I knew I had a podcast to do

you embarrassing me I don't I don't fucking know just have a come over and just say listen I'm not happy oh that's a great one that's a classic you know like if you were a singer songwriter the second you said that the whole crowd would start applauding recognizing the big hit

you know of all the girls I do before you know they all start fucking clapping you know if they just came out you just did classic break up monologues listen I'm just not happy everyone just that smattering of applause you wait for it to die down

let the orchestra come around again jump back in on the one um man just tell you not happy I'm not happy anymore and dude let me tell you something her being depressed is not your fucking problem alright her being depressed is the fucking

problem how can you do this to me what do you mean how can I do this to you you don't want to be worse if I fucking stayed with you and I didn't love you I don't love you anymore I don't love you depressed whore I just called you a whore as a generic term

you know I'm not happy I want to okay I just feel like I want to be single right now I just don't feel like I'm going to be with you in the long haul would just be wasting each other's time my time is important and so is yours alright I don't want to go anymore but I'll tell you what

if you go to stamps.com they'll give you $55 free stamps on a scale that's what you do just tag every mean thing you say with all the advertising you know if you go to Amazon.com through Bill Burr's website you know click on the little

Amazon banner whatever you buy you know portion of that money goes back to Bill Burr and then the percentage of that goes to the Wounded Warriors project so I know I'm breaking up with you right now but you could we could also support the troops right

sir look there's no fucking easy way to do this and you're going to be sitting there how many more holidays how many more Christmas is which is a holiday sorry you always need three examples do you want to go through with this person how many more times do you want to go out and rent bikes go to a picnic

sit there on a sunny day as she's sitting there with that cloud over her fucking head you know dude you know don't do that to yourself you want to fucking people who are just wonderful human beings and they just

end up with assholes I swear to god assholes they look for wonderful human beings because other assholes are not going to put up with them you know so you need to be an asshole here and you know the how society looks as an asshole like you're being selfish not being selfish

alright choose yourself choose your own fucking life dumper and get on with your life you know this is what you do you get yourself like six a fucking pale ale or whatever beer you like you stick a couple of glasses in the fucking freezer

alright like anticipation of this championship that you know you're going to win you know like they did in the red socks dug out when they had the champagne on ice in game six in 1986 before they had to quickly wheel it out okay except you're not going to let this one go through

your legs sir you're kicking this one right in the cunt and you're taking home the fucking championship and when it's over all you got to be just thinking about those frosty fucking bruise in the fridge just think about that just look at the clock when she walks in alright let's say she comes in at ten past two

just say to yourself worst case scenario by three fucking thirty I'm going to be sitting down on this fucking couch alright with my goddamn phone off drinking a couple of

five or six of these things then that's it alright and don't fucking have post break up sex don't do that because then she'll think that you're back together again fuck all of that

alright well I just got to come back and get my stuff okay when do you want to come by this is coming off really cold she's going to do all of that and just try to keep dragging you back into the fucking thing

um I don't know if this is a punk thing to do but after you break up with her just don't answer the phone when she calls and she'll finally just say listen I got I got to come by and get my stuff can you text her back fuck it just be a man what is she going to do

body slam you she's just going to make you feel bad alright why did you break up with me is it because I don't blow you enough no it's because you're a mopey you're sucking the life out of me

you know when you get that sad look on your face you look like a muppet there I said it alright there's your shit over there in the corner I got a couple of cool ones in the fridge so why don't you do me a favor get over there bend down lift what you need get your shit and get the fuck out of here

what do you say there toots your prince charming is out there somewhere you know and ain't here I just shot it in the back of the head it's over okay so why don't you trudge on out of here there fucking Cinderella

go look at a mirror go climb up in the tower and fucking drop your hair out whatever the fuck you're supposed to do kiss a frog alright I got drinking to do but why don't I beat it something like that like I said all that bullshit I said 10 pass 2

it's over by 330 by 330 you're boozing alright now they're fucking brutal breaking up with somebody's brutal not as brutal as the awfulness of this fucking podcast but other than that Jesus fucking Christ this is the longest

you know what kills me is at the end of all this horrible fucking podcast I then have to get into a fucking rental car and I have to drive my ass out to the goddamn airport to yet again fly across this goddamn country this is the worst flight you know

the only flight worse than flying across this country is the flight that crashes and I gotta admit I'm not even gonna say that can you imagine that if I don't care if this one does and then it did can you imagine that when everybody on TV he said he didn't care if his plane crashed

coming up next the story of a comedian who prayed that his plane crashed and he took 250 innocent people with him Janice do you have the story yeah well it appears he was doing a podcast and he had a problem with the heat in the apartment which then led to him talking about his flight

it was during that sorry we lost your cunt you took too long to get to the point as usual that's why you're still out in the field age you guys see that they're gonna do anchorman too am I the only person who's excited as hell about that

Ron Burgundy is coming back the man who started it all anyways here we go a representative from Massachusetts in Colorado here's a wonderful story everybody hey there Bill just wanted to tell you about hey there Bill just wanted to tell

about how you one of your fellow you fucking cunts can you I swear to god you guys do this on purpose you know I suck at reading out loud and just wanted to tell you just wanted to tell about how you one of your fellow Massachusetts people

which word do I take out there sir just wanted to to tell about how one of your fellow Massachusetts ians has been tormenting the shopping area where my bar is located this all takes place in Denver by the way

the Massachusettsians his first what do they call the people from Massachusetts I just paused to wait for all the mornings be mass holes high five over cubicle wall this all takes place in Denver by the way his first appearance

was about a week ago when he stumbled into the bar where I worked and asked me where he was I said the name of the bar and he said no what state cunt Jesus he goes I asked him why he called me a cunt and he said people say it all the time where he's from

she said was Massachusetts I kicked him out this guy sounds like a good guy he says as a side note I spent a week in the new England area and everyone was nice even in Boston anyway a few days later he came back when I wasn't working and drank

until he insulted the bar owner's wife I guess he went up to her and said what are you pregnant she was not she told him that was rude and he called her a pregnant cunt Jesus how many fucking bridges did this guy burn before he decided he had to go west

well there was a bunch of other people didn't realize what a dick he was anyways he got kicked out I guess he had been getting into a lot of trouble at the liquor store near us too anyways last night he came in I told him he wasn't welcomed anymore he asked why I reminded him why

then he started making fun of people from Colorado in a stereotypical hippie voice he said he thought we were all chill bro not so uptight man then he gave me the peace sign with his fingers and left like his middle fingers what was he doing

I don't know it's funny because he has a ponytail and is filthy and calls everyone in Colorado hippies well it's nice to know yeah you could have just said a guy from Massachusetts moved to Colorado you didn't really have to go into all of that detail

yeah you know what kind of does he sound any worse than me no I have a horrific need to be liked so I wouldn't do something like that I would if I got drunk enough but then the next day I'd be like alright I need to lay off that shit you know I don't know what the fuck to talk about

at this point people I'm 40 I'm not even 40 minutes in honestly people if I didn't have to go to the fucking airport I would erase this entire thing I don't know what I would do I'd go sleep fucking six hours and I would start over again but I don't have those options

you know this is the same thing of when Geraldo opened that vault and it was live and there was just nothing in it that's what this is this is the Geraldo Rivera episode of the Monday Morning fucking podcast I didn't know what to do at this point

you guys want to talk about some topical shit do you guys see that JetBlue pilot that went fucking absolutely crazy was it JetBlue? I don't know and then everybody had to tackle him and fucking restrain him I don't know how I would feel about that you know

I know the guy's going nuts but I don't know how to fly the plane so I just cut down the amount of people who can land this thing by 50% like the level of nuts that he would have to be there'd just be something there's just something about those let's say John Travolta was on the flight

he knows how to land one of those things you know I bet he's not scared to fly because he like knows what's going on and if anything bad happened right why do they have to have those secret service people why don't we just get like a bunch of John Travolta's to ride on there

in case one of those 9-11 shit happens again right aren't there a lot of movie stars and how to fly planes oh my god I swear to god like I should be choked to death by a fucking mic cord right now I'm literally out of comedy I think I just officially dried up everybody

which is really sad because I had such a wonderful weekend wonderful weekend of riffing a new hour of shit maybe that's what it is and right now I'm tempted to start doing those jokes to somehow get it we up to 40 we have 40 minutes and 35 seconds

hey listen guys you guys have favorite TV shows out there sure we all do every once in a while don't they just have bad episodes I don't really like that one I think this is the one although I bet you guys are somehow perversely enjoying this one materialists

top 5 items this guy says yo Bill being the materialistic bastard that I am I've developed a top 5 essential items list for my capitalist lifestyle I spare no expense on these items as I believe them to be necessary

for my continued happiness my 5 items are in no particular order they are number one by the way this is how it's done in America alright so the rest you try and keep up if you got the money buy this shit if you don't you live in some third world country

and I want to say thank you for making all this shit at 12 cents an hour alright number one TV 71 inch Samsung DLP number two an adjustable firmness bed is this American psycho

sending me this shit number three a cell phone the latest iPhone number four two ply toilet paper shaman number five classic vehicles from the 60's a 68 osmobile convertible a 69 Jaguar E type a 64

Amphi car amphibious what are your top 5 items and why is for just materialistic selfish shit alright I'd agree with you it has to be a TV because that's how you connect to the world

and if I'm not connected to the world I'm going to be doing jokes about shit nobody knows about and then I'm not going to be able to afford my fucking materialistic lifestyle so I'll give you that ah fuck you know what I don't like your list then you go with the bed I need to watch TV

then I need to sleep I'm not going that way I would go I don't know fucking top of the line V drums the Gibson SG my fucking f100 I don't know oh my god guys I think I just retired from comedy I have nothing

I have absolutely zero funny you know what fuck with the materialistic how about your top 5 survivalist you know first thing first number one you need a gun okay because if you don't have a fucking gun

you can't get anything you need or protect the shit you have so number one you got to get a gun number two if you're murmuring in the background that's Joe DeRose in the other room I should have brought two mics maybe I could have shot the shit with him my hungover fucking state

number two is water number two would be water you know you can go fucking 40 days without food isn't that what Jesus did every 40 days he was like you guys are doing what I want you to do

I think I'll go starve myself I fucking hate every one of those goddamn stories of some biblical figure who's suffering from me so I can live better I didn't fucking ask you to do it alright I didn't

go fucking eat something or do it for me and shut your face you know I can't eat like the I can't I've thought about dying a lot lately and I was thinking am I going to be that guy in my death bed who then goes uh

Hail Mary Vela Grace does all those prayers I don't think I'm going to be because I really truly find it that fucking ridiculous you know I don't know where you go alright but wherever I go nobody's mad at me I haven't been there yet alright they're sitting in some other fucking

dimension watching my life why would you do that you know wouldn't you just be fucking playing baseball in your dimension or whatever the fuck it is you do over there why would you give a shit what I'm doing

oh look at this guy embezzling who gives a shit I don't know what am I talking about right number one I get a gun number two fresh water number three you gotta get food now I need some sort of shelter number five is a windmill

number five is a wildcard I think the fifth one really lets people know what kind of a survivalist you are you know if you say number five you know I want a boat you're definitely romantic if you say I want a windmill you like cookies

oh guys I'm gonna get a gun you know and my lady doesn't want me to get one alright ever since I got a house I just feel like you're out of your fucking mind if you don't have a gun you know what I mean it's just like

like right here I'm in this apartment building right now and there's just all like you know there's like five fucking floors of human beings that you have to get through before you get to me okay I'm in my fucking house it's just me I'm just sitting there where is the

safety that there's other houses around me I guess that I don't know what it is just being like the only person you know like I'm not in charge of this fucking building I find that very comforting I come and I go nobody gives

there's no problem there's security there's cameras there's all that type of shit I gotta go a little Ted Nugent here I really want to secure around my perimeter as they say plus I like guns I think they're cool

what do you guys think you guys into guns you're not into guns we're gonna take college at this point why don't I do just turn make this into a live fucking podcast oh god fucking be on hungover why do I do it I'm gonna blame Verzi

fucking animal we went back to his house at like 30 in the morning he fucking pours me a whiskey right he gets out some rum makes a giant rum and coke like he's some fucking sophomore in college pledging a sorority kind of a man drinks rum and coax I'll tell you who Paul Verzi

Paul Verzi drinks him he drinks him in a big beer glass too to show how fucking uncultured he is so I'm sitting there I'm drinking his fucking scotch right whatever fuck he gave me and he's trying to tell me I should finish the bottle

and I'm like I can't I got fucking radio in the morning he's like dude there's no fucking way you're making it to the radio because I had to be up at like 7.30 it was already 2.30 in the morning but I'll tell you I was up at 7.30 and he proceeded to fucking go on this rant about

Irish people like how he is an Italian fucking what he's Greek and what's that little line on this Sicilian how there's you know you fucking Irish guys you drink till 4.00 in the morning

and you gotta be up at 7.00 and you just fucking up at 7.00 you guys can take a punch that's what he said you know I don't know I don't believe that I think there's plenty of fucking half Greek half Sicilians that can fucking drink till 4.00 in the morning get up do you know what the problem with Verzi is he doesn't want it

the guy doesn't want it he doesn't have the fucking heart you gotta have the heart when you fucking drink you know set the worst feeling ever those last three drinks we just know how fucking stupid you're being you start laughing with your friends you got like that group self-sabotage going on

hey this is really fucking stupid isn't it um anyways let's get to underrated overrated as I try to turn on this fucking iPad for the 15th time I gotta be honest with you overrated Steve Jobs

I just don't see what the fuck that guy did that was so goddamn important did I read everything here afraid to break up with this girlfriend oh hey here's for the emails every week and I swear to god everybody next week is gonna be a funny podcast not this one you know what this podcast feels like it feels like there was some sort of unbelievable tragedy

and I still had to come on the air and I was expecting some sort of you know major guest and they just didn't show up we're still looking at the wreckage the wreckage of my fucking podcast bill uh what do we got here oh if you want to email me

which I don't know why you would have to this podcast the email is bill at themmpodcast.com uh we also have a donation button on the podcast if you want to donate how about some advertising I gotta get these fucking things out

at least do something right where are we alright here we go you can do it you can do it alright gamefly.com everybody alright this is the best way to rent video games and this one has been doing it's been fucking aces

on the podcast everybody responding to gamefly.com it's the best way to rent video games if you are new to my podcast and you are a gamer alright wouldn't it be great to have 8000 video games at your fingertips wouldn't it be great to be delivered

right to your front door or to your goddamn pc wouldn't that be phenomenal no late fees you can cancel anytime uh going through the Monday morning podcast listeners get a 15 day free trial 15 days that's 2 weeks in a day

for those keeping score at home you get 8000 games take 2 weeks of vacation why don't you do that quit your job be a man have the balls have the balls to live dangerously just walk in you know what fuck this job and fuck you

what are you gonna do with your life man I'm gonna go play video games for 15 days and then I'm gonna figure it out you know what you're gonna be doing after 15 days still sitting at that desk hating your fucking life by the way your wife always has bad breath go fuck yourself um Monday morning podcast

listeners get a 15 day free trial go to www.gamefly.com slash burr to activate this special offer alright I think that's it for the advertising I didn't even skate fenders where they dropped the advertising on this podcast

because they were so offended by the unbelievable lack of funny on this podcast I can't even fucking talk this week um no not enough people bought the skate fenders and I'm gonna tell you something you fucking missed out oh I didn't talk about hockey last week

I told you guys that I've been starting to put some shit together here after a year and a half of playing and going on old billy boys starting to trust his edges out there okay last week I actually had I had a goal

for the first time and I can't since maybe January I had a goal coming down the left wing puck came right across the crease I had like almost no angle whatsoever I saw the open space

and I flipped it and somehow the fucking puck went right up and over the goalie's shoulder into the net exactly what I wanted to have happened happened and you know it's pickup hockey so nobody really celebrates goals because there's like 20 scored on each side but I was

just such an excited little girl I put my fucking arms up like you know in Messier guaranteed the victory against the devils you know he would just glide behind the net with his arms straight up I was waiting for the roar of the crowd everyone else just sort of skated back in the directions as I sat there with

you know it's the same thing Joe Montana used to do when there was a touchdown there's no bending at the elbows you just bring them straight up like Charlie Brown when he yells that's what I did so psyched I got one early this is how much I've gotten into hockey I've actually gone on YouTube

and I've been watching this guy and he has he almost does like the John Madden thing because my biggest problem aside from sucking at stick handling skating in all aspects of the game is just the overall question of where the fuck am I supposed

to be out there and I just watch this guy's this guy's videos I watched like 45 minutes of videos just absorbing a little bit from each video about how to do a breakout where to be on a power play even though there's no power plays whatever just basic fundamental shit

as a defensive as a forward cycling in a round drills just shit like that and I actually got a compliment last week said you know what you're a decent positional player you still suck when we send you the puck I just fucking I can't stick handle for my life

but I kind of know where to be now which means more people pass to me and then I fuck up even more dude you want to talk about panicking with the puck I was joking with OPI today on the the ONA program about that if you actually had a heart monitor hooked up to my whatever

my wrist with a pulses act is that what it is I don't fucking know my elbow like how I bet it goes up like 30 beats a fucking minute the second I get the puck and people always try to help me out no one around you plenty of time you got plenty of time and I immediately

just blindly pass it and I just feel everyone on my team just this fucking guy why does he keep showing up but anyway so I got to go and uh was a fucking shop shooter if I do say so myself so now I'm excited

I got a little spring in my step we play for an hour and a half about an hour later I somehow want to break out I get the fucking puck I went around two defensemen swear to god I don't know how I did it I was looking down at the ice

that's how I stick handle faked out one faked out the other got the goalie leaning all the way to the right I got half the net wide open I'm like holy fuck two goals in one game of pickup in 90 minutes for a player of my caliber would have been

like it would have been the equivalent of when Gretzky scored 50 goals in 39 games it was fucking wide open and I flipped it it was going right to the net and the goalie at the last second stuck his hand out and just fucking snatched it out of the air everybody in the ice

and then that was it I was still one goal Billy that's fucking horrible I gotta tell you something that bugged me for three goddamn days it was literally do you ever watch when you watch a fucking hockey game they have those little eight year olds you know how they stick handle

and they skate that's what I look like they're actually better than me I would say like a six year old I don't know if I'm Pee Wee level or squirts I never paid organized but I don't know I'm really enjoying that I playing the game and I gotta tell you I've been wearing

those skate fenders things and people first were making fun of me and now they're kind of going like you know I've seen guys you know I've seen players wearing them in the NHL did the fucking shit I got hit in the foot during the game I finally took one off the foot I don't know where I took it I don't know how hard it was it had

no effect it felt lighter than if I got hit in like the shit I felt it more in the shit pit oh here's nothing that happened to me it's how fucking slow I am I was trying to get on defense like I can skate backwards but not nearly fast enough so what always happens is I skate backwards for about

three feet before I have to immediately turn around and I immediately I am I'm so slow I look like I'm part of the offensive break rather than the person trying to stop it on defense so I went into the offensive their offensive zone might might what I'm supposed to be defending and this is when

you know you're slow when you take a slap shot in the ass that's how slow I was on defense I I think it literally hit in the ass it was just below the ass you know the referees you know it was like you gotta see

if you got a first down or not it was not quite a fucking first down it just missed my ass and there is no padding there whatsoever thank god it was just a wrist um but I'm not gonna lie to you it fucking hurt like hell but there was no way I was gonna show it

the dude fucking hit me and just goes alright in the ass and everyone laughed and I had to pretend like it didn't fucking happen so close to the glory of fucking two goals and then I get I missed the second one and then I get fucking hit in the ass with the puck and I just go right back

to being the douchebag you know so anyways so this is the deal so I'm loving the fucking game it's the greatest goddamn game don't think you're too old to take it up I took it up at fucking 42 in my life and I'm joining a fucking league oh my god who just walked into the room

out of the bedroom the sensation the teen idol sensation wearing a fucking leather coat to match Joe DeRosa Joe how the fuck I have a seat I know you can't just have a seat say hello Joe you haven't been on the podcast forever how are you remember

remember we used to do radio show I remember Bill Joe those were the days we used to sing songs we used to talk about things are you having fun out here oh I'm not it's horrible it's hot as fuck I've just been I've been brutally unfunny I'm hungover this whole podcast

I've been just apologizing shitting all over how unfunny what's that till like I just told a story about playing hockey that I think that that was mildly in the music I was singing that made me laugh was I singing out here oh you know what I was singing about I was singing some guy he was trying to figure out how to break up with his girl

and not hurt her feelings she's some girl she's like depressed all the time I don't want to keep her going I mean it's a no brainer he's 23 years old right yeah Jesus Joe 23 years old Joe everybody's a sensation at that age everybody but it is not that young man's responsibility to take on her

problem she's got to work those things out and when she loves herself then she can love you Joe fucking DeRosa that I mean I was trying to get to that point for fucking 10 minutes that's it Joe I don't Joe you've had one girlfriend

for eight years Joe is the master of just not even getting into relationship so you're the master of like what the three week relationship I usually go a couple months yeah something like that I don't get too too serious but I think I'm ready now I think I'm moving into that I want to

Joe I don't care about that this isn't about you this isn't about you it's about this guy so two months in that's got to be a small box of shit that you have to pack up when they come over to get their stuff am I wrong I mean I don't even think you have a phone call two months in

you can do it over the phone in two months I've done that I've done that too oh you do the fade away yeah you just disappear like Kevin Spacey walking down the street at the usual suspect just straight the old leg out and off he goes

off he goes where are you off to Joe I got a meeting at Atlantic Records there Bill the sensation he's going over there Joe don't get now don't walk in there and get all star struck with all those albums on the wall okay nobody buys those anymore you're walking

into a dinosaur Joe they need you that's right okay let me hear you say it I'll say you need me you need me Mr. Atlantic Mr. and Mrs. Atlantic Records you know I'll say you think I'm impressed I got Bill Burr sitting on my couch you fuck suckers

yeah that's how you start it go chevy chase on him hahahaha I'll see you when I get home Bill alright Joseph hey Joe maybe we'll have a couple of pops before I go to the airport little hair of the dog there ah

Christ this is you know I really wanted to be healthy on this road trip but this is one of these ones where you just say you know where you just have fucked up so bad you just end it like buzzed eating a pint of ice cream going you know what maybe the next one I'd like to think that I maybe pulled

the next one out in the end you know talking about my love of hockey how great is Joe DeRosa huh you tell me that guy just is an array of sunshine you know that's why he's called the sensation Joey Roses he makes it fucking blue is there anything else to talk about do I really need to go

beyond a fucking hour on this I don't think I do people I apologize for the fucking hung over one but you know something you went all of 2011 without one I'm trying to think the last time I was hung over on a podcast I think it's been a long time it's been a while since you fucking

whatever that guy stained I used to sing about his dad remember that anyways that's the podcast for this week you guys I know it was late and I know it wasn't worth the wait so you don't need you don't even need to tell me I know alright

don't be one of those douchebags you know like when you fucking get arrested for drinking and driving and then your friend shows up and tells you how fucking stupid you are like you didn't realize that when you spent the night in jail with no sneakers on because I thought you were going to hang yourself by your shoelaces

like if you couldn't figure out that point do you think I really need you to tell me that you douche okay alright that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves I will talk to you next week and yeah that's it

go fuck yourselves you