Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-2-18

Episode Date: April 3, 2018

Bill rambles about the Shandling Documentary, 45's, and believing in ghosts.

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Bill, don't try to be a scientist. Okay, you've tried to be a lot of things on this podcast and failed miserably. Why would you pick such a smart vocation to start off with? Well, you know, because I'm an arrogant ass. Oh, did I sleep well last night? You know? I, you know, I got my big, big birthday coming up, my 50th birthday. So my deal was, there's a certain weight I wanted to get down to.

And one of those gene companies, you know, that advertised on my podcast, I can't remember the fucking name of them. It's one of those people. You know, we were two broke college kids, so we started a fucking gene factory. It's like, well, how the fuck did you do that? I thought you were broke. You know, you're trying to be all down to earth. The next thing you know, you got a fucking company.

What are you telling me? You just sewed them yourself? Yeah, we'll make you a pair of pants. That'll be about, I don't know, we got to learn how to sew first. Well, because we're broke, sir. We can't afford any sewing machines and people that know how to operate them, okay? Apology accepted. And I'm sorry too for yelling.

But you know, if you want genes from us, it's just going to take a moment. So stand up on this thing so I can measure your, your inseam. So anyways, they sent me a pair of genes that were 32, 32. When I had, you know, I was 34, 32. And now I'm 33, 32. So my, my goal is to get back to that stuff. I think that's the size that I had in high school. When I started, started doing comedy.

So I'll see if I can, I don't know, I don't know if I want to do that. Cause you know, there's one of those things where like, if you're, if you're your high school weight when you're my age, but you never really went up, I don't think you look that bad. But like if you get down to your high school weight and you were actually like an adult males weight, you kind of look like you're dying. But we'll see. I am back on my little health kick here.

I told you last Monday, you know, I did the God damn comedy jam. And I had a shot of Jameson before the show, you know, sort of a tradition, you know, drink a little shot of fucking courage. And then after the show, I went out, I was just going to have one beer and it was going to go home. But I showed up and somebody already bought me another Jameson. So I had that. And then I had a beer. But you know, the shot in the beer was stretched way out between the first,

like the whole show went by like three hours. And I had a couple of waters after the first shot. So it was really just the shot of Jameson in the beer. And the next day I woke up and aside from the fact that I stayed out till one in the morning, my lovely daughter gets up at like, oh, six, six, 30. I just woke up and I just, I wasn't worth shit. Until like fucking two in the afternoon. And I was just like, I can't do this.

I just can't fucking do this. So I didn't drink Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. And then Friday, I performed at arguably my favorite theater in the country, the Brady Theater in Tulsa, Oklahoma. And it's, I cannot expect fucking place and the people that show up there and the way the laughs sound in that room and the sound and the look of that fucking place. It's, it's unreal. And then the amount of people too who've never been there when I told them I was going to Tulsa, Oklahoma,

they were like, Tulsa, Jesus, you know, thinking that it was going to be like tumbleweeds and stuff. It's a really fucking hipstery place. Like the food scene alone is crazy. And you know, when the food is really good, then you're going to have the record store, which I like the record store. I don't necessarily like, you know, the douches that go in there, you know, I'm a douche too. But like, I was actually riffing about that on stage where people like, dude, it sounds so much better. It's like, I can't hear the difference. I can't hear the, you know, the CD was, it was a lie, man.

Everything got compressed and they just get into the whole fucking sound thing. And I'm just, I just like records because they reminded me when I was a kid. You know, and you feel like you kind of got more for your money. Well, you know, you'd open it up and there was all these pictures on the inside sleeve and all of that shit. I don't know. As opposed to now, you just download it off off like iTunes and it's just floating in the air, man. So anyways, I, so just getting off stage that night, I was like, I'm not going to drink. And I just felt like, you know, the habit of me doing that, being like, come on, man, just have fucking one.

Because I was flying after the show. It was like that show in Tulsa was every fucking reason why I ever wanted to be a comedian. It was so much fucking fun. I was barely doing my act. I forget what I did. Oh, I know why I connected. I flew to Dallas, connected there and then went up to Tulsa and the second I got on the plane in Tulsa, like there was just like three or four really big people, you know, not just fat, but just big ass fucking people.

So I was just riffing on that. One of them, two people were so big and fat they had to use wheelchair. So I was just riffing on the fact, you know, are you really helping them out? If you're wheeling them around like a fucking toddler and, you know, it's like I'm not trying to bring back segregation here, but I really think wheelchairs should just be for people who can't fucking whose legs don't work. It's like your legs work, you asshole. Lay off the cookies. I actually said, you see a guy so fat that even if he has a full head of hair, you can still see most of his scalp,

you know, because even then it's just get even his head is getting like fat. It's like stretching out. It was unbelievable. This guy sat in the chair in front of me and the fucking chair was like coming down and it was one of those things like an action movie. Like, is this going to fucking stop? Or am I going to get crushed to death? And it stopped about two inches from the bridge of my nose. I think I audibly exhaled like, you know, because it's like.

I mean, watching that guy trying to get up and be like, my daughter, she still can't do like a sit up. You know what I mean? She just doesn't have the strength. It's hilarious. She gets like three inches up and she's making this face and she stared at you. And then I just start laughing and then she laughs, which, you know, makes her fall back down again. So anyways, she's saying da-da now all the time. She was in the crib this morning.

I'm always the one that goes out and I get her and then, you know, pick her up. And I figured out because she gives the best hugs, but she's also, you know, a toddler now. So she just wants to look at everything. So she only does it for half a second. So the way to trick her into giving you a nice minute long hug is you got to sing to her and she loves the Etsy bitsy spider right now. Like that's her fucking jam. Right. So I just come out there and.

And she's like, hi, hi, hi, hi, you know, showing off the word that she knows how to say. And then I just pick her up and she gives me the quick hug and then immediately is pointing over to the changing table because, you know, she wants to get that over with. So she could then go in and watch her little cartoons, you know, and drink her bottle of milk. Right. But I got it down now. I just pick her up and I just go, oh, the Etsy bitsy spider went up the water. It's about down came the rain and watch the spider out. And by then she's already laid her head.

I sing it sweeter than that. I kind of pushed through with you guys. I didn't want to creep you out, but she fucking puts her head down on my shoulder and just sits there and is content. I can sing the song like six times in a row and she'll just lay there. And then when I get sick of that song, I just sing the ABCs and and then she does this thing. If you squeeze her and you go, give me a hug, her two little fat hands, she grabs two handfuls of your shirt. That's fucking adorable. I'm starting to realize why dads cry at their daughter's wedding.

You know, I used to think it was some weird shit, but they were just like thinking like, ah, this guy's good. Even if they haven't already banged, he's going to bang her now tonight. You know, oh, God, you fucking asshole. And I got to pretend like I like them. You know, thinking like that shit. It isn't. They're thinking about the itsy bitty. Like I used to sing this kid the itsy bitsy spider, you know, where did the fucking decades go?

So anyways, going back to my, you know, the boozing and shit, like, I don't know. So then, you know, that's like, that's already going to be the greatest moments of my life are going to be those. And I just don't want to be all banged up and extra tired and God forbid grumpy. So I don't know. So then San Antonio, I did two shows, fucking amazing crowds down there. And once again, I just carried over whatever happened in Tulsa. I've learned how to do that though. As far as like what happens as a, you know, when you go out on one night, you're just in the zone and you're not even doing your act.

The next night you come on stage, you're like hoping that you're going to be in the zone again. The night before you weren't hoping that you were going to be in the zone. It just happened. So then you're going out there. Now you're hoping it's going to be like last night. So now you're walking on the stage and you're thinking about last night. So you're not, you're not like mentally there not to get all trippy. So what I do is I try to let go of the last night, but do the same fucking thing that I did in that.

I'll just talk about something that I just fucking saw, except this time it's in San Antonio. And I just came out and I was bitching about the fact that I didn't realize that the final fucking four four was in San Antonio. I kind of figured it out when it was 500 bucks a night at a goddamn red roof in about up by the fucking airport. And then it was just like, there's going to be a real problem with transportation. I had to hire this company, you know, to make sure they could pick me up the airport, get Dean, you know, it was out there with Del Ray. Del Ray fucking murdered so hard in Tulsa. He had a sustained round of applause. Like he had to wait before he introduced me.

That's how fucking hard this guy's killing. So you got to go see Dean when he's out in the road, actually watch him do like a full set. I know he has an album coming out too on vinyl, I believe speaking of records. So anyways, I went out and just did the same thing. And on both shows, I just, you know, fucked around and rift about some shit and it just got me into this place. And then it was fun because I was, you know, both nights I was teasing people about having AR 15s and telling them how they should go about talking to people on the left about why you have an AR 15. And it just, it just was a fucking great night. Both nights.

So what is my point? So my point is, I just, you know, through, I was watching the Zen diaries of Gary Shandling, this fucking incredible documentary that Judd Apatow did. And it is such the standup comedian experience. I literally had to take breaks from it. I had to shut it off or hit pause. I'll be watching the thing, right? And I would just something he would write down. Because Gary, I guess, kept all these diaries and stuff and Judd just would just like film like just a line or two that he wrote.

And it would either be something that I thought or something that I never realized. And it's just like, yeah, that's it. Or just an experience that I had. And obviously all my experiences are on a way less like whatever experience he had at the tonight show or hosting the Emmys. I had playing, you know, Uncle Fucky's in, you know, Swamp Scott, Massachusetts. But I just kept fighting. I would be watching this. It was hilarious.

I'd be watching the show and Neil would be like in the other room. And then she just hear me in the other room just going like, fuck. And just watching how the way this thing is put together, I'm not going to ruin it for you. But just seeing how like one like major event when you're a kid with your developing mind, be it positive or negative, how it just shapes and informs the rest of your life. And the way that it is done is so fucking masterful in this documentary. And I don't know, I just can't say enough things about it. So I was sitting there after having watched it or actually I'd watched up to the first half hour of part two. I mean, it's like four and a half hours long and it's fucking amazing.

And I was actually out on the road going, fuck, I wish I could watch the rest of that right now. You know, it's just, you know, it's hard to find four and a half hours when you got, you know, you got a 14 month old to just sit down in a row. So I was out there and I was just thinking about, you know, I was mad at myself that I went out after Tulsa and I had a drink. I had one drink and then somebody sent one over to me and of course I'm going to drink that because I didn't want to be rude. And, you know, I'm a bit of a boozehound and I kind of just was sticking to myself like I told myself I wasn't going to drink until fucking June. And I already fucked up on the road, not even because I wanted to, just out of like, you know, I'm flying high. I'm fucking wide awake. I don't want the night to end, you know, I'm too awake to fucking go to sleep. I got an 8am flight. Let me just fucking have one. And then next thing, you know, I'm fucking staying out to like one in the goddamn morning.

I got to get up at six for the flights. What am I doing? I should be out here getting sleep for when I come back. So I can be a better dad. This is stupid. So because I watched, you know, at that point, the first half of the Zen Diaries thing, I actually had a notebook because I was writing out some of the drum parts for these songs. As long as I got to sing with Del Rey, I'd sing, sorry, play on Tuesday night out here at the Avalon. And I was just like, why don't I just write down, you know, these goals? Because sometimes if you just fucking think them, they're not real. And then if you say them or write them down, anyways, how my brain works, it becomes real. So I just kind of wrote it down, the shit that I wanted to do, you know, the shape I wanted to be in. And yeah, I just wrote down that I was just for the month of April,

I'm just like, I'm not smoking any fucking cigars. I'm not drinking any booze. You know, not watching any fucking porn. You know, fucking stupid online porn, lonely shit you do on the road. And that porno, I swear to God, it's going to come out like how bad that is for you, your brain. You know what I mean? Because I find myself now when I watch porno laughing like I'm watching a sitcom. There's always something that just strikes me as fucking funny. Yeah, it's just like, I shouldn't be laughing. Well, this is just weird, right? And then you also think like, you know, you go back, I don't know how many fucking years. Like if you went back like 100 years and you showed somebody like a laptop and be like, you know, you realize you can watch this and you just put it on.

I swear to God, they would burn you at the stake like you were a fucking witch. Like how fucked up it would be that a human being could sit down anytime they wanted and just watch endless hours of that shit. I bet I did some brain damage something. It's like you fucking it's like I really feel like I'm destroying my soul by watching that shit on some level. So I was like, going to not do that. I'm going to fucking continue to work out all of these just sort of these, these, these, I don't know, health goals. And then I got to work on my, my, my anger issues because my daughter doesn't realize I have them yet and it's just inevitable she's going to. I've been doing this joke of my act out like a couple of times she's seen me start to like she if she honestly hasn't even met me yet. As far as like who I really am. She's met decided me that I'm proud of, but all the shit that I'm ashamed of she hasn't really met yet. She's seen a couple of glimpses, but I'm always able to joke my way out of it.

Like, oh, Daniel is through the laptop through the window. She's laughing because she doesn't know what those words mean or that that behavior is fucked up. Right. So I don't know. That's just shit I have to work on. So I don't know. I don't think I would have written that down and it would have become real had I not watched that. Yeah. Zen Diaries of Gary Shanley. I'm telling you, man, you got to, you got to fucking see that thing. And speaking of which, HPL is killing it this month because they have like, they got one on a documentary on like Andre the giant, Martin Luther King, Elvis. I mean, they just, I mean, and I think it comes out every Wednesday. So if you're not watching the NHL rivalry fucking Wednesday, or even if you are just tape some of these things because, you know, HPL, they always do everything fucking top shelf.

It's going to be amazing. So anyways, I have some things to have. Have I made you guys laugh once yet? I've just been fucking being an idiot here talking about this shit. But it's also I just feel like I'm doing this for me. All right. I got a couple of announcements here. One, I'm transitioning. No kidding. October 6th, 2018, I'm going to be in Bridgeport, Connecticut. All right. At Webster Bank Arena. General public on sale will be Friday, April 6th at noon, April 6th. I'm going to be in Pittsburgh for two shows.

What an idiot. People already know I'm going to be there. I'm literally hyping other shows. I'm trying to hype this new one. October 6th, 2018, Bridgeport, Connecticut. Webster Bank Arena. General public on sale will be Friday, April 6th at noon. The pre-sale starts today. Today. All right. The code is Billy Baldwin. You get it? Billy Baldwin. All capital letters. No spaces. B-I-L-L-Y-B-A-L-D for the win. W-I-N. Anyways, you know what's fucking hilarious? I did the Brady Theater in Tulsa. I pull up and there's this one dude standing outside, you know, the fucking, the stage door.

All right. And I got to sing. I hate meeting people before the show. After the show, I don't give a fuck. But before the show, I can't, it's just, it's weird to me. It's like I haven't done my fucking thing that I do. So I'm thinking about doing that. You know, I don't know. I, I, I, no problem after. Before it just weirds me out. So I go to, and this guy goes, he's like, hey, Bill, big fail, getting married. So I go to sign his fucking shit. And all of a sudden I feel like this sticky thing. Like I had like syrup in my hand or something. I handed back the pen and I looked down and my fucking hand is just cut. Like the ink, the pen exploded. Oh fuck. I don't know what I look like.

So I walk in and it's really like thick, like black or blue ink. I went in the bathroom and I'm like trying to scrub the skin off my fucking hand. And, you know, Del Ray's laughing at me and shit. Look at this shit. You know, my hands are so pasty. So I got this. It's like my hands are in blackface, right? So I'm fucking scrubbing this shit off and I was able to get most of it off, but there's still like, you know, you can see the stain of it. I wish I talked about that when I went out on stage. But I didn't. So I went out and I did the show. And as I go to walk off the stage, who comes walking down to the front of the stage? Hey Bill, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I already met you. I already signed your shit and I already got the ink all over my hand, but he's getting married.

So I go, hey man, thank you. I go, you know, good luck with your marriage and everything. So then I fucking walk out, right? Just talking to Dean. I'm like, dude, how fucking unbelievable is that theater? He's like, oh, you know, the sound is unbelievable. Crowd, blah, blah, you know, Dean, that show is fire, right? So we go outside and we go to leave the place. There's like 10 or 15 people there, right? So I'm fucking, hey guys, thanks for coming out, talking to people, you know, signing shit or whatever. And this fucking guy comes up again and he wants me to sign more shit. I'm thinking in my head. It's just like, look at this guy coming back for fucking seconds. I mean, you know, there's other people here. We already did this and I shook your hand. So I go to sign something fucking else that he has and I feel this sticky thing.

He gave me the same fucking pen again. And I was so stupid that I went and I grabbed the thing. And I just looked at your fucking asshole. I go, you got an exploded pen here. And then he just starts laughing. And now I got this shit on my fucking hand. My hands all the exact same, almost the exact same fingers and all that, obviously. I'm not Amy Dexter switching my hands. I'm just like, and Dean's fucking, and then Dean signed something for him. So he both walked back into the fucking car. We got ink all over our hands. The drivers laughing his ass off at us because he saw me when I went in, go that fucking asshole that exploded pen. So as this is the, as I go to get in the car, the same dude who already signed his shit, got ink on my hand, shook his hand after the fucking show. You know, as I'm walking off stage, shook his hand, signed more shit, got more fucking exploded ink on my hand.

He then goes, he goes, hey, Bill, do you got a PO address that I can send these things to these pictures I took on his cell phone? Just go, no, you fucking asshole. I got ink all over my hand again. He just starts laughing. Then they felt bad and go, good luck with your marriage. And we get in the cars, we're driving away. And I just was just rift about the poor woman that is going to marry that fucking guy. You know, because there was something about him, you couldn't get mad at him. But I really think that that exploding pen was a fucking omen. You know that he was just going to be like, I don't know, Jesus Christ. So anyways, I...

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I just think everything's going to go well at this. Provided the people at Barstool want me to come back for the next one because I'm already ready to come back for the fucking next one. And I haven't even been to this one yet. And it's on April 13th in Charlotte, North Carolina. Okay, it's going to be on pay per view. I believe it's like 16 bucks. It's the biggest no brainer ever. Get your friends over sit down and just watch regular people talk shit and go in the ring and just fucking wail on each other.

It's the greatest fucking idea. I don't know. Every once in a while, I know I keep saying this, but you know, I'm so psyched. I'm going to have ringside seats and be sitting ringside for the whole fucking thing. That'll be another added thing because I don't know. I don't know how to commentate. I'm not Joe Rogan. You know, Joe Rogan is borderline a fucking a Mossad agent with his abilities and his understanding of combat.

Me on the other hand, I'm just going to sound like I was just some loud shit had sitting next to you on your couch. Okay, that's what I'm going to do. All right, MVMT movement. Here's my problem with sunglasses. I didn't know I had a problem with sunglasses. Why are you putting words in my mouth? I got all these cheap pairs that look terrible. No, I don't.

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Astate? I got to add that word. It's a goal of mine today to throw that word in with my wife. See, what the fuck does that mean? Dude, do you ever look up a fucking word on Wikipedia? What is that writing when you're trying to figure out how to spell it? It looks like it's in Russian. It is a salt formed by a combination of acetic acid with an alkaline, earthy metallic base.

Fuck this. I don't give it. I don't need to know what it means. I just know how to say it. Nobody knows what this fucking word means. You just say it. People are like, wow, that guy's smart. Look at his custom lining on his suit.

All right, here we go. You ready, everybody? It's this thing. If you're a supporter of this podcast, you have to work this word into your day with somebody that you know very well who's going to know that you have no idea what this fucking word means. And your goal is to try and fucking play it off like you've always had this in your arsenal. This was part of your fucking pitching rotation. Here we go.

Come on, say it. Acetate. Acetate. Acetate. You fucking. Acetate. There you go. Kind of sounds like asshole, doesn't it?

You fucking acetate. Acetate. Acetate. Acetate. Dude, how creepy is this? This is like it's the end of the world, and that's like some warning in the future. You know, everybody get the fuck out of here. I think we just lost Mike.

All right. Sorry about that. That was my version of like alien. All you need in the background with that acetate. Acetate is that. Auga. Auga. What's going on here?

Acetate effects. Well, I like learning stuff when they have music that makes you not think. That's not a shit. Hi, Stamperz. Welcome to... That has got to be the worst fucking fade down ever of anything. Listen to this. Oh, wow.

I'm going to learn something. Hi, Stamperz. Welcome to... Jesus Christ. How about a nice little fade down? Hey, Stamperz. Today I'm going to teach you about how acetate. Acetate.

In the future someday when you're dumb enough to buy a fucking robot, one day when it has a glitch and you come walking in there and it has an even weirder robot expression on its face and you're like, hey, what's up there fucking R2-D2 and it's just looking at you going, acetate. Acetate. Acetate. Why are you saying that, man? Slowly walking towards you.

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Me undies. Me undies. They don't fucking acetate. Why would you want that shit up against your skin, especially down there? There is no wind. Wash it off with your lady's face. Sorry. You've heard me talk about me undies.

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Hey, ladies. If you guys just turn that down just a little bit. I'm trying to acetate my podcast. You have a nice, light voice with a few laughs. I'm just trying to acetate this thing here and get it done. What's that? You don't know what acetate means? I don't know if you can hear that.

I use acetate like two or three times and she just looks and she goes, I don't know what that word means and I don't care too. So there you go. That's right. That's a good one to use on your lady. She'll think that you're fucking moving on. Is he getting smart? Acetate.

Get the fuck off me. See, right there. That's what I want to work on. My temper. I was just literally trying to bring the cord around my foot and I couldn't do it because I'm not flexible enough. And I just said, get the fuck off me like it was a person. There's something wrong about that.

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That documentary really affected me was, you know, one of the things that happens to a lot of comedians is whatever the fuck happened to us that made us become comedians, you just start chasing, you know, selling out clubs and getting known and becoming famous and all that and thinking that that's going to fucking, you know, get rid of your demons. And it doesn't, and then you put off the major part of your life, which is finding love and starting a family and all of that shit. And, you know, the other day I was talking to somebody and they were in their early 30s and I brought up the Gary Shanling documentary and the person said, who's that?

Right. And then I also mentioned like somehow I brought up Robin Williams and I mentioned that he had, you know, committed suicide a few years and she didn't even realize he was dead. And she was just like, Mrs. Doubtfire? And I was like, and in my head, I'm just going, these people are fucking legends. And it's just like, you know, every generation has their people. You know what I mean?

So it's like, it was like so fucking profound where it's like you're chasing all of that fucking shit. And you know, once you, you know, once you're past a certain age, like no one's going to give a shit anymore anyways. So it's like you're trying to, I don't know. It's not like a tangible thing that you can depend on. And I had this big fear when I was going through comedy that I was like, I was like, am I going to be the guy that doesn't get married and never has kids? Because I've seen the other side of that.

I was like, I don't want to fucking, I don't want to end up being that cliche. And then just being that fucking, that older fucking comic, you know, and then you got your sport coat on to hide your middle and you're talking, you're talking at this point, you're hitting on women that don't know who your bands are and don't know all all all your cultural references. They don't even know who these fucking people are. And the level of fucking sadness that how lonely that feeling would be. I used to fucking wake up.

I didn't literally wake up, but I would be laying in bed on the road thinking about shit like that. And when I was watching this documentary, I remember, you know, thinking as I was watching Gary wrestling with his demons, I literally said to me at one point, I was like marrying you and having a kid is the smartest fucking thing I ever did. Thank God. I know I did it late, but thank God I fucking did that because if I didn't, you know, I'd be 70 years old in some fucking goddamn hotel on the other side of this shit when nobody gave a fuck and I would just be laying there drinking myself to death going acetate acetate.

That literally makes me scared just saying that acetate. Anyways, so I think what I'm going to do because I don't think I'm a diary person, but I think what I'm going to do is I'm just going to kind of write down in the beginning of the day just. I find out just one day of doing that it's really vivid and it lives now rather than just being this fucking random thought like, you know, I need to work on this. Maybe just have a fucking goal each day. So my kid, I can kind of kill off this fucking anger demon that exists in my family tree. I'd love to see my family tree.

It's got to look like maybe this weird combination of like, oh, that's really nice, but a little upsetting. You know, like a tree in the beginning of winter. At a certain time of day, you know, you know that certain time of day would trees are beautiful, but they start to look a little ominous. That's probably what it would look like. A tree that's trying. All right, let's. Oh, I didn't tell you guys about my fucking journey back from San Antonio.

So I had a 6am flight to Tulsa, Oklahoma. You know, I normally I would have flown in the night before, but I got the kid, you know, I can't can't miss those hours. So I flew in no problem. Everything was great. The next day I had an 8am flight to San Antonio for whatever fucking reason. I mean, it's not that long a flight. We're in the same time zone. How can I couldn't get like the 10 o'clock flight, right?

So we check into the hotel. We do the show. Everything's great. And then the next morning I had a 6am flight and I got up stage at 12 and couldn't get to sleep to like, like 1 32 in the morning. So I was just like, all right, I'll just sleep on the plane. So we get up at like 4 30 in the fucking morning, quarter to five. Go down there. My big thing is when I only get like two hours sleep, all I'm trying to do is get on the plane.

And once I get on the fucking plane, it's like, I'm just going to go to sleep. You know, I forgot my eye mask and one cunt always has to have their fucking shade up. You know, because they're a morning person and fuck everybody else, you know, no consideration for somebody who just fucking stopped working at, you know, 12 12 30. Right. So we get there. And I'm laughing at Dean because we are like so fucking tired. It's like you literally like you hung over like, dude, all I got to do is get on that plane. And he's like, I know I'm going to go right to sleep.

And then I'm going to land at 7 30 LA time. Right. By the time I get to my fucking house, it's going to be 8 30. My daughter just got up a half hour earlier. I'm going to get that whole time with her before she does her first nap. Fucking perfect. And all of a sudden they're like, the flight's now going to fucking leave at 6 15. You know, because they said they had to reset the airplane, which I don't know what the fuck that means.

Is that some computer shit? I have no idea. And then 6 15 became 6 45. And I was like, Oh God, don't do this. Please don't do this. And then it became 7 45. And then it got fucking canceled. And then because it was the final four, all the fucking planes were sold out.

And the next one they could get us on was 7 p.m. And I was like trying to keep my cool, which of course I didn't. And they said, sir, it's okay. We're going to send everybody on the 7 o'clock flight. We're going to send on an excursion today paid by Delta. I'm like, I don't want to go on an excursion. I want to go to Los Angeles. And she goes, they're going to take you to SeaWorld.

It's like, Oh yeah, are they going to buy me a giant fucking lollipop? I don't want to fucking, I don't want to watch an incarcerated killer whale doing fucking jumping through a hula hoop. Okay, I don't want to see that. What I would, can I go there and watch you set that fucking thing free again? I would see that that would be worth it. You know, watch it jump over a little boy as it goes out out of the bay into a fucking the ocean like free Willy. So anyways, so we say fuck Delta, not fuck Delta, literally fuck Delta, fuck the situation Delta put us in because I know all the airlines.

It's just a, it happens. Okay, the fucking plane's not working right. I understand it, but I'm also frustrated. So I go down to Southwest. All of their shit is filled up. So we're like, what about Dallas? Can you fly us to Dallas? Like Love Field and we'll just fly back.

Can't do that. And then we just said, what about Austin? And they go, okay, well Austin, we have a 10 a.m. flight at this point. It's like, you know, getting close to nine. We have an 11 and we have a two 15. So I'm like, all right, put us on the fucking two 15. And it's an hour and a half drive. So Dean goes to get a fucking rental car and I said, fuck this, let's just Uber.

Then we don't have to deal with picking up the rental car, the shuttle and all that. So we did fucking Uber'd. I passed out in the fucking car. I got out of the car. I left my fucking headphones in that this is my third time. Second time I've lost those Bose headphones. I always keep the charger though. If anybody has a set of those silver fucking Bose or the black ones and you need that little charger cord.

Send me your address and I'll mail it to you. Because I'm going to have three of them. Because I just ordered another fucking pair. So anyways, we get out and we got there so fucking fast because there was no traffic. We actually got on the 11 15 had to connect through fucking Phoenix. It wasn't that bad. And it all worked out. And because I had written down that shit, you know, that I wanted to like maybe talk to somebody about my temper or something like that.

I was actually completely aware that I was fucking snapping when I snapped like that's that's as far as I've ever been able to get to with my temper. You know, the old me, I would just snap and not think about it. I'm actually thinking about it as I do it and have no control over it. So it's even more like torturous now because now like watching myself. Oh, yeah, you go Bill yelling at people that like Bill, they're trying to save your life. Do you think they're not flying because they want to go through this giant fucking headache? On some level, they're probably losing money because one of their planes cannot fly. Would you like to get up to a cruising altitude and then plunge back to the fucking earth and never see your family again?

Oh, boohoo. You have to wait 12 hours to continue living. You selfish, stupid cunt. But I can't hear anything at that point. I'm in the fucking acetate mode. Or I'm killing that joke. By the way, I am so back into death leopard. Now it's ridiculous.

I downloaded Pyromania and was it high and dry the one before that? And I'm so into them. I'm actually looking at left-handed flying V's, you know, like maybe this is the guitar. I'll know how to fucking I'll actually stick with because I was just watching their lineup. What's that guy's name? Pete Willis is the guy that they had on the high and dry. And then they had what's his face filled in for him? I always forget his fucking name and it's literally the same name as somebody else famous.

It's Phil Collins. I feel Collins. He came in and filled in for him. But like that, that album, Pyromania, when that came out, that's just one of those albums that came out during this awesome time in your life. First time he had crushes on fucking chicks in your grade and shit. And that fucking album came out, you know. And I did the, and this is what I would do rather than thinking, what can I say to this chick in my fucking class that I like this lady? I would actually just, I would just go home instead and I would listen to Pyromania fantasizing that I was in the band playing the guitar and singing in front of the school.

And even in the fantasies, she would just see me do it and I would still never talk to her. I'm a fucking mess. And that's what leads you to this. It's just like, well, I can't sing and I can't play guitar. I guess I'll go up there and tell shit jokes. I guess they thought it became a comedian. All right. Ruffin Rowdy, Charlotte, April 13th.

Billy's going to wear a fucking silly suit and he's going to fucking make some jokes. You got to watch it. Pay-per-view. All right. F1. Dear silly Billy. Greetings from Monaco. Oh, the sovereign state on the French Riviera, originally from Portugal.

I'm a very big F1 fan since I was four years old. Well, it seems like you saw the heyday of it, the second golden age of it with Michael Schumacher. My grandfather says I wouldn't take my eyes off the cars even if a storm took the roof off the house. It's a beautiful and graceful sport, despite how loud it can be. I first saw you from Chappelle and then saw you on an interview on the internet from Montreal. When my brother showed me because he's a huge fan of yours. I now am too. Oh, that's great.

Thank you. I think this is a very important time in F1. The sport is going to continue to move into the mainstream because the stars in the sports and the storylines of competition are starting to match the popular culture of today. Oh, that's very... Oh, what's the word? All I could think of is acetate. It's a very astute. Analyzations at the word I don't know.

It can be very Shakespearean. I appreciate you talking about the drivers with respect, even if you're not a fan of everything they do. It is incredible how talented these men are. And some women are able to navigate with precision. Ah, that's hilarious. A little chauvinism there. I would like very much to see you at more races and perhaps talking to drivers and crews. Thank you and bless your family.

Yo, you and me both. Oh, look who's here. The lovely Nia and my lovely daughter. You know what? She has the cutest outfit on today. She has on these gray sweatpants with this matching hoodie that's short sleeve. It looks like you got a little Bella check. Hi.

How are you? How was your breakfast? Well, I have listened to you rant and rave and scream and yell in your podcast for damn near 15 years. And, you know, I never say anything. And then I'm having breakfast with our lovely daughter and we're laughing and we're joking and we're singing songs. And you have the nerve to come in and tell us to keep it down. Look how big she is. I know.

No, I've just, yeah, but this is also putting her roof over her head. What's up, buddy? How you doing? We can have fun today. Huh? The itsy bitsy spider went off the water's bow. Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sun and dried up all the rain.

And the itsy bitsy spider went off the spot again. Yay. Look at that smile. All right. You want to read some of these with me, Nia? Sure. Okay. What do we got here?

I absolutely would love to talk to the driver. This guy's saying he's from Portugal. He now lives in Monaco. How much is this guy crushing it? And listen to what he says about female drivers, Nia. Listen to this. He says it's incredible how talented these men are and some women are able to navigate with precision. Oh, thanks.

Thanks for that. Some women are. Where is he going with this? He was just saying that he would love to see me talking to more drivers and being more racist. Oh, well, I know you would like that. I would love that. And I think if I could navigate with precision down to the pit area and if you don't trip and fall because you're a woman.

Right. Nia. Yes. I'm a chauvinistic pig and I attract these people. They need a pot. Chauvinists need podcasts too. All right. Let's talk about 45s.

You like records, right? Huh? Yes, I do. Hey, sweetie, you want to talk about 45s? Huh? You going to tell us the story? What's so crazy right now is she totally has obviously has all these thoughts and she knows what she's saying, but she doesn't understand that we don't talk her gibberish.

So she'll just be sitting there making all these hand movements like she's making these profound points. She's going, I said, I, I, I, she was, she was, she was, she was, she was still making. Was she still into that noise? I said, crap that she was doing. She's really, she's really trying to, what do you think she's really trying to say words now? Okay. Can you say baby?

Baby. Can you say baby? Huh? No. Oh, there you go. No, she said it. No, no, no. I say you like that frog.

Yeah. Great bot. They do the Michigan. All right. So I'm going to say Billy Burr Hall, a longtime fan of the podcast. Well, thank you. I travel a lot in your Massachusetts vibes. Always remind me of home recently.

Don't touch that. Don't touch that. Don't touch that recently. It's so funny. They always go for like the thing that's going to hurt them the most. There's all this stuff here, shoes, chairs and all that goes right for the hot tea. Recently my fiance and I surrendered our weekend nights to playing card games alongside tasty beers at home.

I suggest playing 45s. That sounds like fun. Yeah. We would just say in how we hate those like, you go to those parties with other adults and they have game night. It's always fucking cards against humanity and all of that stuff. I don't want to do that. But we've got to bring back cards, right?

But isn't that a game? That's a game night if you play cards. Yeah, but cards are cool. It's not like playing Mad Libs. I like cards against humanity though. I feel like if you get kind of high or a little bit drunk. Adolf Hitler's taint. Stupid.

The jokes and cards against humanity are as bad as when you fly Southwest. I hate to make fun of them because I love that airline, but listening to those people do comedy, I just can't, I get angry at the people encouraging them. Dude, this guy was sitting there. We're going down the, you know, we're going down the runway. Like we're going on the tarmac or whatever. And he's doing the Darth Vader voice. Everybody put on your feet belts.

And people are like, No, it just annoys me that that person doesn't get heckled because it's just like, if I did a joke like that, people would be throwing their chair at me. And this guy's getting laughs. Because I feel like maybe people feel obligated because it's the flight crew and you want to be on their good side. It's exactly what it is. It's the awkward silence and people are just in the silence of the joke bombing.

People then laugh because they feel uncomfortable because this is overall nervousness that what we're about to do could kill us. So then the level of comedy that they have to, you know what I mean? When you're scared, you'll laugh at anything. You just walk in like the rain's really coming down. Isn't it? It's like, you didn't say anything funny there. Wow, that was close.

Nervous laughter. There we go. I suggest playing 45s, which I know. Nia, are you kidding me? No, that'd be cool. We got it. We got, we got to get a cool stereo, man. Well, yeah.

You know what? We should have our own kind of like night, you know, and music. Yeah, you and me. Why don't we do that? Yeah. Sing some songs. Hug and kiss a little bit while the little one's down. Why don't we do that?

Instead of sitting there going like, what over there? Get out a little bit? Yeah. The music's playing. I like it. Hi. Yeah. Instead of sitting there, cars are going, hairy asshole.

I think Southwest writes those punchlines on those stupid cards. I just don't like that you don't write the punchline and then you get credit for it. I'm sorry Nia. I'm too, I'm too into the, I'm too far deep into the joke game, man. Yeah. Right. Anyways, we could hardly find any rule. Okay.

I suggest playing 45s, which I can, which I had always played growing up on the North Shore. What? In trying to find the rules online, I was surprised to learn that it's pretty endemic to Massachusetts. What rules? What are we talking about? Oh, we thought he met 45s as in records. 45s is obviously some kind of game that we don't know about.

We thought you were talking about. Oh, they don't know about 45s. Like you don't know what acetate means. I guess so. Yeah. We could hardly. Can you do me a favor? Can you say acetate three times in a row with a pause?

And just no life in your voice between each one. Just pause. Just say acetate three times in a row. Okay. Acetate. Acetate. Slower. Acetate.

No, I meant longer pause. That was pretty good. Okay. We'll definitely call you back for the audition. So what was the thing? We can hardly find the rules anywhere in any case. Just curious whether you ever played this game growing up or had any other traditions you found to be a Massachusetts thing once you left.

Thanks and hope you can come to Vermont or Montreal sometime soon. Okay. Yes and yes. Oh, I'm so old. I thought you were talking about records. That's what I thought it was. Because somebody gave me some records in Tulsa and then one of them was a 45. So I'm going to have to get the adapter.

Yeah, I don't know what. Watch it. Watch it. Watch it. No. You just want to spill that, don't you? All right. 45s game.

Yeah. Speaking of game. Hold on a second. Yeah. 45s game. 45. It's a card game. That's what I figured.

All right. Why is my internet so slow? All right. The ace of heart is always the best third. So it's played with a regular deck of cards. This isn't like old maid. Do you guys remember old maid? You know, and then the classic that I never played granny fucking water.

There's another card game, Nia, that everybody in the Midwest knows about. Yooker. And that game. When Joe Bartnick and Jay Law had talked about Yooker, they were like freaking out. They were going like entire families have stopped talking to each other on Christmas because of that game. That game is evil. That's like a Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Detroit, that type of area. I think people play Yooker.

The ace of hearts is always the third best Trump. I think this is good. This is good. Clean fun here. The deal robbing the Trump object of the game. The goal is to accumulate the most chips by winning tricks. How to keep score irregularities. If you're going to do this, this is this is a game night bill.

So I don't know why you're talking about you're so against game night. This is because I don't like the modern games. I'll play cards. My grandmother was a was an amazing in my aunt against humanity. You ever play flinch flinch is another one. Maybe we should kind of get all these card games. Have you ever played Spades? That's what black people play.

Oh, look at me. Do you ever play hearts? That's what white people play. No. All right. Well, we got, we got to get some cards, man. We got to get some cards. We explore each other's like heritage through card games.

Yeah. You teach me spades. I got to remember how to play hard. I don't know. I don't know. I've maybe played. I knew black people play dominoes. Well, no, we're not talking about dominoes.

We're talking about a card game. I know we're not talking about dominoes. Why couldn't you just give me that that I actually knew something that that was like the Chappelle show sketch. I know black people. Dominoes is. Come on. Oh, I understand.

Okay. Jesus. Okay. Sorry. She's so protective. She's so protective. She's so protective. She's so protective.

She's so protective. She's so protective. She's so protective. She's so protective of her culture. You know that, Nia? Oh, you're kissing the baby. Oh, yeah. Why are you so protective?

She's so sweet. Huh? I just want to start an argument with you. No. Why are you so protective of your culture? Why won't you let me in? You've never touched me? How did taught me how to do?

I've let you in. Yeah. I was going to say you never taught me how to do the. Do you know Nia can do the whole Janet Jackson rhythm nation dance? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That's the thing. She'll just bust that out out of fuck. Oh, sorry. Out of nowhere. And she can really do it. You know what I mean? It's not like me.

I could do like the Pee Wee Herman. I think I'm all impressed. I think I'm all impressive. All right. China's surveillance. Oh, Nia, you know, people are going to ask you to fucking Instagram that. I know.

It's not going to happen. No. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. Okay. I'm back. Sorry.

The battery's just died on this thing. All right. We are, I think I'm well over an hour here at this point. I have to be. I don't really know where I'm at at this point. All right. China's surveillance, man. All right.

If you want me to just do the rest of this, because it seems like she's getting ready to run around here. So I don't know if that's going to be annoying to people to hear. I'm sitting here talking about all this stuff. It's not as adorable to them as it is to us. Yeah. That's one thing you got to remember.

Your kid is adorable to you. Everybody thinks the kid's adorable. Then after a while it's just like, okay. Okay. Okay. China's surveillance. Dear Bill Bunker Hill. I love it.

I'm a software engineer. Make sure she doesn't shut her hands in the door there. Oh, down like a ton of bricks. Okay. It is amazing that they always fall in their butt. Okay. Come on. You all right, buddy?

She's okay. We're good to go. All right. Cutie pie. I'll see you in a few minutes. Bye bye. Bye bye. Kiss.

Kiss. Oh. All right. I'll see you lovely ladies out there. All right. I'm a software engineer and system integration specialist at a government firm in a major city. I won't state my political affiliation because I know you hate that move as much as I do.

Good. Let's get into it. I'm terrified that my children will have little to no privacy in their adult lives. Being in tech, I'm becoming aware of the capabilities and advances in surveillance systems. And as an ordinary human being with the internet, I've maintained an understanding that our government under both parties have been constantly expanding their surveillance reach and continue to lie to us about what information is being stored.

Yeah, it's ridiculous. And all the major fucking news organizations don't say anything about it. They don't do anything to protect us. They just sit there fucking making money. China isn't very different. It's definitely more aggressive and more intrusive. The biggest is what Snowden was trying to warn us about. We all left that guy twisting on the vine and everybody was afraid because they wrapped

what this guy was doing into trying to beat ISIS. So then it was like, well, I can't say anything because then I don't support the troops and then I'm going to get the Dixie Chicks fucking treatment. That's all that's all they're fucking doing right now. They're just destroying people individually. Snowden is a fucking hero as far as I'm concerned. Goddamn fucking lunatics. It's like, how much more do they need to know about you?

Just sit down at the airport. You go through fucking security. Then it's like, you don't understand that. Now go through TSA. You got to answer all this shit and get fucking fingerprinted. And now that line's clogged up. So now the next one, people are fucking sticking their goddamn retinas in there. It's unbelievable.

All right, drop your pants and spread your butt cheeks. It's going to be the next one to get through the line fucking quicker. And people would do it because it'll be more convenient. All right, the biggest difference is that they have the decency to not try and hide it. Or maybe you think it's better to be lied to. I don't know. I think it's because China can just fucking, you know, as far as I know on mainland China, you're at the level of rights that you have versus what you have over here.

I think over here you have to lie because they don't have the right to do what they're doing probably. I don't know. This article lays out the way in which our government surveillance is going to be able to access everything in a Chinese citizen's life both at work and at home. In which government, not our government. One of the most important advancements being made is not just the collection of data, but the sorting of data and the ability to sift through billions of communications for specific content. This is why the FBI and CIA have had information on terrorist activity,

but had no way to access it if through all the bullshit. Yeah, so the thing is, so what people will say was, well as least as long as I'm not out there trashing, you know, saying I'm a Muslim, I won't have a problem. Back to my kids, because this is the thing, they're going to use that to then access all this other shit, as they always do, as they always do. Back to my kids, most government technology eventually makes its ways to the public. When my children are in their adult life, all of their previous years will be stored somewhere

to create a case against them based on the person that they were and not who they've become. Jesus Christ, that last statement there might be the most intelligent thing anybody's ever sent in. I will send you guys this link to this story and read it and just be informed and know that you're going to be alright. Alright, because I don't want to send all this doomsday shit that's going to make you go into a depression, but you also do need to know, it would be nice if people knew what was going on. I think this is a time where people, I just feel like everybody wants to start speaking up like, what are we doing?

Not in an anti-USA fucking way, but at some point somebody has to kind of step up here. I think we kind of need to look at the finances and how much this fucking non-ending war is costing us. At some point we're going to have to pay all of that back, $700 billion a fucking year. I mean, I would really be a sad thing if 3,500 fucking jerk-offs that trained on a jungle gym were to bankrupt this great nation. I mean, at some point we do have to, there has to be a way to discuss that without somebody yelling at you saying, you don't support the troops. Just to, you know, because maybe they haven't worked out, maybe there is a solution. It would be nice as a citizen who's paying ungodly taxes who would like to see them go to some shit over here,

like making public schools good again, you know, maybe get some people off the streets that need some help. You know, all these Shutter Island people fucking walking around. They used to have facilities that they could go to. You combine that with the fact that they can now go in and buy a bazooka and not have to wait longer than three fucking minutes and you start to have some problems. You fucking call me motherfucker. Don't bring that up. Why did I blame the South for that?

You know, that's not true. I should sound like, I got to get a good, good corporation impression. You're clearly against the United States of America. Wife believes in ghosts. Oh, Jesus, dare Billy Burger basket. I love my wife dearly. In our most topics, we are in agreement, but recently something has come between us. She believes in ghosts and I do not.

Dude, fucking let it go. Who gives a shit? Okay, as long as she's not trying to talk to them and acting like whoopee Goldberg and saying that they're entering her body. But even then, if she does that, you just dedicate one of your rooms to that and just have her fucking make money off of other dopes that believe what she's doing is real. Anyways, I'm not so bothered by her belief. I'm sure it's a bit kooky, but she's free to do it. And so it's not hurting anyone.

All right, there you go. The problem is that she's offended that I don't believe in ghosts as well. Oh, gee, look at that. I gave you a lecture and you were already fucking, you were already where I was telling you to go. It's like, okay, you believe in ghosts. Good for you, but I don't. Fine. Oh, gross.

Is there anything worse than cold tea? Sorry, I just started coughing. I had to take a little swig there. I stopped believing ghosts around the same time. I stopped believing in Santa Claus in the Easter Bunny back when I was a kid. So when a full grown adult tells me they see spirits, I can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with them mentally. She is afraid to go to the restroom at a certain restaurant in our town because there's a story about it being haunted. She says the last time she went in there, she felt an eerie chill, but it's a drafty bathroom in a 90 year old building for Christ's sake.

She has this old photograph she took through a window at an abandoned mental hospital that she claims shows a ghost face. When I look at it, I only saw blurry bullshit. I tried to be nice about it, but I think she felt like I was calling her stupid or crazy when I didn't see it. When I didn't see it too. I didn't want to lie about it. Besides, she would know if I was lying anyways. I don't know how to approach this topic without upsetting her. Do you have any advice for me?

Yours truly. This guy left his fucking name. I don't know if this is a reference to somebody at a movie. Let me see. Yes, this has got to be somebody. This has to be a movie joke. Oh, Dr. Peter Venkman. Oh, okay.

This is Bill Murray's character and Ghostbusters. This is hilarious. All right. I don't know how to approach this topic without upsetting her. Do you have any advice for me? Yours truly, Dr. Peter Venkman. Yeah, don't bring up the topic. Don't bring up the topic.

You know, I would just be like, look, I get it. You believe in ghosts and I don't. Don't say it like that. Just be like, I respect the fact that you believe in ghosts. And I don't. And if the tables return and there was something that I believed in and you didn't, I would respect the fact that you didn't. And rather than, you know, getting upset with you.

Okay, you see ghosts. Evidently, you are born with the power that I was not giving. So you should feel thankful for that, that you're able to see these things. I am a mere mortal. Oh, don't say that because then that's passive aggressive. I'm the worst. Something along those lines. And just say, listen, I love everything about you and we get along great.

But I just feel like there's this tension about this that you're trying to force me to feel something that I don't feel. And I don't think that that's what you do to somebody you love. And I wouldn't do that to you. Okay, so come on over here. And if there's not a ghost between us, could you give me a hug? Something along those lines. All right, last one here. My sister's friend.

Oh boy. Hey, hi Bill, you cunt. I'm an 18 year old from England and I need some advice. All right, you pasty crooked teeth douche. Around two months ago, one of my sister's childhood friends came to visit her for a weekend. They've been friends since they were three and she moved five hours away when she was 12. So they barely see each other anymore. I was planning to go out on Saturday with a group of friends.

Say, and I was planning on staying home alone when my sister went to pick up a few of her friends to meet at our house. Me and her friends flirted a bit, but nothing major. We exchanged Snapchats, etc. I love how that's flirting now. Long, long story short, my sister's friend pretended to be ill and came home early so we could hook up. Dude, you are fucking crushing it. Your sister's bringing them home to, you don't even have to go out. Good for you.

The only thing was my sister was genuinely ill and also came home early, around 30 minutes after her friend and she caught us in bed together. Well, what the fuck is she doing walking into your bedroom? My sister got insanely angry and stormed out. She should have said, hey, don't hate the player, hit the game and then just lit a cigarette. Oh my God, I think this is fucking funny. This is fucking hilarious. Dude, you realize how hard you're crushing it? You're fucking at home.

You're not even trying to get laid. She just has her friends come over for the bullshit. Okay, ladies, you're ready to go out and in that moment, whatever the fuck you did made one of them pretend to be sick and come back and hook up with you. Dude, you're a fucking hero. There's no reason to get, oh, I don't care how mad your sister gets. I would just keep smiling and just be like, hey, I can't help it, man. The ladies love me. Sweetheart, sweetheart, I wasn't trying to hook up.

I was at home. I was innocent. I can't help it if women are attracted to me. I would just go totally fucking arrogant. And no matter she get, I would just keep laughing and I would never take it seriously. My sister has suffered with depression and anxiety. All right, forget what I just said. I didn't see that part.

My sister has suffered with depression and I'm so excited for you that I didn't even read this next part. She suffered with depression and anxiety for years. So whenever something like this happens, my family almost always sides with her. Oh, that's easy. Then you just divide and conquer with your dad. Just be like dad, I can't help it. I inherited your charisma. What do you want from me?

I didn't go out with, she came home to me. It fell right in my lap. What was I supposed to do? Dad, what was I supposed to do? There's no fucking way I get mad at my kid. In the morning, I mean, he's mad because you're making her upset. But he's not mad at what you did. I'm guaranteed your dad's telling his friends to work.

This son of a bitch, you don't have to leave the fucking house. They're coming to him. In the morning, she threatened to never talk to me again for what I did. But I said something along the lines of, I feel a connection with her. Or some bullshit like that to calm my sister down. The thing was, I didn't, but her friend did. Oh, no. We started dating.

And after around two weeks, I realized that I fucking hated this girl. She is generally stupid as shit. Yeah, dude, this is all good. This is all good stuff because you're learning lessons, what you're supposed to in life, especially at 18. Okay. This whole thing started with a lie. Okay.

And that you did to protect your sister's feelings. So you just got to come clean. You got to dump the dummy and just tell her, like, listen, I love you so much that I actually started dating somebody that is fucking stupid. All right. I'm sorry. You have, then she'll get mad that you'll be like calling her friend stupid. Are you saying my friends are stupid?

No, I'm saying that friend that is a friend of yours. Stupid. The other ones seem really smart and, you know, tell all of them I wouldn't mind if they faked six and came home and hooked up with me. All right. I realize that I fucking hated this girl. She's generally stupid as shit. My original plan was to pretend I was into her for a few months.

And then when I go to university in a few months, I'd break up with her because of the long distance. Dude, don't do that because you might break her heart. All right. But that's some dumb shit you do when you're 18. That way I'd save my relationship with my sister and mother and get rid of this stupid bitch. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't talk about women.

You don't need to talk about them like that. Okay. Feel lucky that, you know, you got a better brain than cheated. Yeah. Don't play with people's feelings like that. All right. Cause I'm telling you right now that if you're any sort of an actual human being breaking somebody's heart, the guilt of that never fucking goes away.

However, I recently received news that my first choice university turned me down and my second choice was the only one that accepted me. The problem is she lives 15 minutes away from my second choice university and now I don't know what to do. You got to come clean. I can't go through university hitch to a girl. I fucking hate, but I can't afford to risk my relationship with my family for obvious reasons. Also another girl who I think I generally may have a connection with recently broke up with a boyfriend of two years. And I'm pretty sure that if I could, if I could, we would be dating right now.

It also doesn't help that this girl is a nine out of 10 looking model and I'm probably a six and a half out of 10 at best. Thanks for your help. You freckled twat. All right, dude, this is what you got to learn. You're going to learn honesty here. All right. Um, fucking break up with that woman today. All right.

And you have to come clean with everybody in your house and you have to say, you know, you have to put your foot down that your parents cannot be choosing. Maybe I would have this conversation with your parents. They can't be choosing your sister over you straight across the board because of your sister's depression and anxiety issues. Okay. I don't know how severe they are. All right. If they're chemical, then yeah, that's a major problem. But you know, if she just needs to fucking, you know, get out of a funk, then I don't know.

I don't know where she is on the whole depression spectrum. If that's the proper thing, but like you shouldn't have to be suffering like this. Dude, you got to live your own fucking life. All right. Just live your life. Live your life. When you live your life, sometimes people are going to get hurt. All right.

Fuck that. Break up with this woman and go ask the other woman out. That's it. That's what the fuck you do. And if anybody in your family has a problem with it, let them vent to you and all that stuff and just say, I'm sorry that I am doing what my heart is telling me to do. All right. I am not trying to hurt anybody in this family. Had I known that hooking up with that girl was going to cause this level of drama, I wouldn't have done it.

I regret that I did it. I actually felt so bad that I actually fucking dated her for two weeks the whole time. And it was like talking to a fucking chair. Say all this stuff nicely. All right. There's a woman that I like that I want to pursue and I'm going to do that. And if that's wrong, then God damn it. I don't want to be right and walk out.

Okay. And don't let them hold your sister's fucking problems over your goddamn head because that's good. Look what it's already doing. It's causing you to fucking date people you don't want to date. So then she's going to be depressed and you're going to be living this life of fucking misery because you didn't do what you wanted. Okay. Now, having said that, don't call women bitches. All right.

Don't do that. I'm not saying don't call them out on their shit and stand your ground, but they don't don't ever do the name calling thing. All right. Because it doesn't get you. Not only does it makes the other person not hear what your point is, then they can bring that up for the rest of your fucking relationship and God knows they're going to do it. All right.

That's the fucking podcast. Oh fuck yourselves. I'll check it on you on Thursday. Bye bye.