Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-21-14

Episode Date: April 21, 2014

Bill rambles about driving a bus in France, being gay in prison and the fair market price for testicles.

this kind of advertising is a bit embarrassing, for some people they think it quite enjoyable and it sounds Bye Passprint of Eftel, chocolade edges, Dalos in the promo, so here I hop on my leash, from everything I take two and no man know I'm with the Eric, from us here we will pass, Ramadan Mubarak Enjoy passing and Ramadan with the surprising and diverse assortment of Albert Heijn and look for the second episode on TheWerldInHetKlein.be That's it for Albert Heijn The first 2014 being recorded live on digital tape in the good ol' USB in my fucking bedroom Oh man it's great to be back

Well let me tell you, I'll tell you I had a crazy flight coming back you know No, I'm excited to be back I'm happy to be back, I didn't want to leave But you know, at some point you got to grow up Right, go back to work You know, put some food in a fucking brown sack Get into some fucking car that has a hatchback Into your way into traffic

Can I go? Can I go? Thank you, thank you one person who cares You know, put on Jack FM And sit there and cry as they call songs that you thought came out two weeks ago, classics Girl, it's been a long time since we've been apart That's the 40th anniversary, get the fuck out of here Some metalhead's going to call me Actually they came up in 1981 Go fuck yourself

Alright, take off your Rob Halford leather studded gloves And go clean out the garbage disposal Why don't I say garbage disposal Because that's what I think of when I think of those gloves The ones that go all the way up to your elbows You know, basically the glove form of superhero boots Anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast If you're new to the podcast, welcome

Thank you for listening I know you have your choice between mine and nine zillion other fucking podcasts I mean, at this point, I mean, you guys could all have a podcast But why would you do that? Why would you do that when you could just sit down And listen to someone else attempt to do it? I don't fucking know Yes, so back in the United States

And I had an unbelievable trip You know what fucking story I kept trying I kept forgetting to tell you guys And I hope I'm not still boring you with stories about France But I did have a fucking great time over there Which is an understatement Anyways, I know like two weeks ago I told you Or last week I told you the story going to Omaha Beach

And the American Soldier Cemetery over there and all that type of stuff And one of my podcast listeners sent me an email a couple months ago Talking about how after he took the tour The next morning he woke up early And went down to Omaha Beach when there was nobody there You know, maybe one guy with a dog and a frisbee And he just sat there on the beach and smoked a cigar And I was like dude, I gotta fucking do that

I gotta fucking do that So I got my cigar I take the tour and I got that big stupid Mercedes 9 passenger bus that they rented me Because I wanted a car one way And as I've told you guys time and time again on this podcast When you rent a car one way You are getting the fucking ugly duckling The one that they can't rent out

You're getting the Griswold family truckster And that's what they gave me For two fucking people, 9 passenger, right? So I wake up the next morning early Nia's still sleeping And you know, my phone is dead And I'm not gonna take her phone Because I don't want to be like why did you take my phone?

I was looking for it I didn't want to deal with that, right? So what I have is I have this GPS That was the shit in about 2002 I'm in another country, I don't speak the language It's about 8 o'clock in the morning And I go out And I get in this fucking 9 passenger bus

By myself and I start driving And I already can't get it to say Omaha Beach I can't read half the signs And I'm just laughing as I'm driving away going I'm gonna get lost And I keep turning around Every time I make a left turn around And rather than looking at a sign

I'm trying to look at something that stands out A billboard or something And I'm trying to remember Like remember that fucking game Simon, right? The little colors and it would go all around It's a fucking great game Great electronic game One of the few that I was allowed to have

My parents never gave us video games Never let us do any of that shit Because they thought it was gonna affect our studies You know? My dad's like you're not watching that shit Dad, I wanna play Astro Get the fucking books! You know what's funny?

Is I still flunked everything in high school So maybe you should have let me play Miss Pac-Man I didn't flunk it but I was in the, you know If my high school class was a batting lineup I was batting eighth Right before the catcher Anyways So I get in this van and I'm fucking laughing

And I'm trying to feel my way back to where The tour guide drove us And you know Every fucking 20 seconds is a goddamn rotary Round and round and round you go And you spit out the van and I have no fucking idea Where I'm at So I'm just laughing

I'm like I don't give a fuck I know where the beach, I know the beach Is in this direction I'm just going in this direction And then I know I go left Gauche, as the French people say I'm going left And then I'm just gonna drive until I see it

And I'm gonna get there I'm gonna smoke my cigar I'm gonna complete this fucking mission Right? And I'll deal with the fact That I don't know how to get back And that I have a flight to catch You know, early afternoon

So actually it wasn't even eight in the morning I think it was like nine by the time I got up or whatever So I kind of blew the early morning part of it But I still wanted to go smoke the cigar So I'm driving and this fucking thing Is just taking me, you know I can't figure out how to input it I can't, there's no enter button

I'm going Omaha Beach And I'm yelling at the fucking thing And I'm screaming at the rental car people How can you rent this fucking piece of shit out And charge somebody fucking 20 francs a day For this goddamn thing Or euros, whatever the fuck they're on And I'm driving down the road

And I got the radio on Because I'm trying to immerse myself In the language That's what you're supposed to do when you learn a new language You just immerse yourself in it Although I'm sitting there speaking English Which I shouldn't be doing I should be going mad, zoot

Whatever the fuck I'm supposed to be yelling But I wasn't I was speaking in English So anyways, I had on This is the point of the story I had on French talk radio And it was fucking hilarious First of all, they're speaking 90 miles an hour

And I'm just by the way they're talking You can tell basically I don't know what they're talking about But you can kind of figure out Like what's going on And somebody's like And then some other guy goes like And the other guy's like

So it says the guy said something And the other guy goes You know what the fuck's that And the other guy goes No, no, no, I'm not saying I'm not saying it's a bad thing I'm just, you know, I'm just saying Oh, Cleo, what's up buddy

You haven't been on the podcast in a while No, no, no, no, no, no, no Get off the bed, get off the bed Sorry You're gonna fucking hit stop on the record button So anyways, these guys are going back I don't know So anyways, I'm listening to this shit

And now I'm driving into fog I'm completely fucking lost And I'm listening to these guys And what's funny over there Is when people talk And they're searching for a word They don't go ah Because that's actually a word

Like elah So you'd be like have So you'd be going have You wouldn't do that So what they do They say is this is my I think this is what's going on So rather than going ah

Or um They go ee Like ee Now ee you are almost ee And what So they kept doing that Going ee As I'm driving through the fucking fog

And I'm laughing just going ee Imitating this shit As I'm trying to find this beach And then you know Like when you try to make a point In any language You're like you know This guy is is is is

Or you know These people what they try to do Whatever You say like the fucking word Like 15 times in a row So that's what they kept going They kept going like ee Ee ee ee ee

Do do do ee And I'm driving in the fog Going ee ee ee ee Do do do ee Stupid fucking French people I'm screaming about them And the stupid thing And long story short

This fucking This fucking Atari Map quest whatever the fuck you call it Makes me go left I'm going down these farm roads Alright and now It literally feels like it's 1944 And some Germans are going to come around

The corner with a motorcycle and a sidecar I'm driving by the ah The hedge roads And I'm getting to like dirt roads And I'm just laughing I have no fucking idea Where I'm at It's foggy

I'm on a road that's so fucking small Like I literally have to pull this bus over To let somebody else go by They give the wave over there by the way And I'm just driving Ee ee ee ee Driving my way through this fucking thing And I finally make it to the road

Like an hour later And my flight is leaving in two and a half hours And I have no fucking idea how to get back And I get to the place where I'm going to make The left to drive up to the beach And it says road closed You know And you got to be sitting there going Bill

You know 3,000 people died that way That day I mean On that beach They saw their mission through They just kept coming And coming and coming Until they fucking met their objective Are you going to let one little French police

Barricade That says erect Or stop whatever the fuck it says Are you going to let that stop you? Or are you just going to drive this nine passenger van around it And use the fact that you don't speak the language as a god damn excuse Ee ee ee ee ee Right?

I pussied out I was just like I got to go to the fucking airport I didn't even notice I was driving I didn't even know where I am at and I fucking turned around Like the coward that cries in the fuck's hole So now I'm driving back into the fog Eee ee ee ee ee ee eed

Der It took me like fucking two hours We almost missed our goddamn flight I'm driving around Rotary after fucking Rotary And I can't find this place And then finally I came in Bayou They had like this old part of town You know they got all these, you know, strip malls

And not strip malls, but just like regular shit Place to get une sandwich Les poissons Poisson Boulangerie They got all that bullshit, right? But then in the center of town they have like the old school Like the old part of town

Like old Montreal Old Vegas Whatever the fuck you want to call it So I see this church And I'm like I remember that fucking church My hotel is somewhere near that church And there's a little brook near it

So I drive back And it was the most frustrating half hour of my life Because I knew That I was near my fucking hotel But I just couldn't find the fucking thing And finally I found the brook And what I had to do

I just got out of the van And started walking around And then I finally And I'm walking up to people and I'm going Excuse me I was doing that, I was going So I was actually going excuse me So I was going excuse me

I have Um Or has whatever I'm saying I was like excuse me Where Winston Churchill Hotel Hotel de Winston Churchill

Because that wasn't even named my hotel But my hotel was right next to it And then it would be like Je ne sais Oh god damn it Fuck And it took me like five people And I finally

Was able to find the brook And then I found it And I saw it and there's my fucking hotel And then I just took this I had to run back to the van and weave my way around it I'm freaking out No one my wife's going to be pissed at me And I finally get to the hotel

And we got enough time to get to the airport And I fucking go in the hotel room and she's still sleeping She's still sleeping She's like hey baby Did you make it to the beach And I was like no I couldn't find it That stupid piece of shit MapQuest fucking thing from 1982

Took me down a country road And she just goes oh why didn't you just Take my phone honey And that's the story But anyways I'm keeping up with my French shit I'm going to try to uh I gave up on the Spanish stuff

There's something about the French language Where I flunked it for three years In high school and it's familiar And I feel like maybe Through learning French I can somehow Learn Spanish I don't know a lot of you guys are sitting there going fuck you Bill You're never going to learn this shit and you know what

I thrive off of that go fuck yourselves I'm going to learn how to speak it And when I do I'm going to do an entire podcast In French all for all sake All right Let's do some advertising for this week Thanks everybody Want your business to make more money

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That was pretty good reading For this week Oh by the way I've been obsessed With German cars Ever since I went on that D-Day trip

And I looked at one of our tanks Our tank basically If a Chevy Chevette was a tank That's what the fuck we were rolling out Which once again I'm really starting to understand Why Tom Brokaw called them the greatest generation Because

I couldn't even make it to Omaha Beach With a 9 passenger With fucking satellite help These tanks compared to what the Germans had It's unfucking believable So I actually You guys gotta see this video that I watched this week If you're into cars

They basically show Them putting together the engine That they stick in one of their unbelievable cars And this guy hand builds the entire thing With the help of some Actually some really cool robots And you know that I'm not into robots What I like about these robots

Is they're doing the pain in the ass job That you don't want to do Like you know when you squeeze that fucking glue I guess to basically I don't know if you're sealing the head to the block I thought there was a gasket there I have no idea it was one of those deals One of those deals but this fucking

Robot thing just It's got the sealer It fucking goes right around the edge And then when you get to a screw It goes like around the rotary And then just fucking continues on And it's perfect So basically the guy puts the whole

Glorious engine together And then in the end He has his own seal with his name He puts his fucking name On the engine And I was like oh my god I gotta get a Mercedes someday And then I looked up how much they cost

And I was like oh my god I gotta rent a Mercedes someday I know you can get some of the smaller ones But you know the one you fucking want You know You know the Mercedes You don't want to get those fucking The lower end ones, fuck those ones

You want the one that you're walking up to Somebody opens the door for you When you have a briefcase handcuffed to your fucking wrist That's the model you want Like the one I looked up I'm like well fuck this, what's the best one they got So they're Basically the BMW's got the M's

The M series, the M5, the M6, the M3 With Mercedes they have the AMG So I'm like oh let me check out It was a fucking four door sedan They wanted $237,000 for this fucking thing You know And I was just like alright Well you know that was a fun fantasy

I mean they'll go buy a used one From somebody getting a goddamn divorce Or some shit, I don't know what But I definitely gotta, hopefully I'll remember Maybe I'll make a note right now I'll do that because I always say Hey everybody I'm putting a video up and

Guess what, it's gonna be up on the website And it never is, if you guys just saw how I just typed Mercedes with my right hand I'm left handed M-E-R-C-E-S Mercedes Mercedes Wait a minute

I swear to god Do I have also dyslexia? M-E-R-C-E-D Yes that looks right Video, stupid Why do you have to insult yourself Why can't you love yourself And just tie his string around your finger

Um, anyways Yes, so I am back In the United States of America And I'm getting back To watching American sports And um Jesus Christ My picks last week, I swear to god

In the NHL, what a fucking train wreck That was That was like some Paul Verzi shit I went on there and I only picked one upset I really hope he hears that Can you guys please send that link to him Like, please send this entire section if you can Paul, you listening to this?

I did what you did I went with all the fucking favorites And I'm gonna give you my results right now If you're listening New Jersey's own Dude, I called it Paul Verzi Alright, Flyers vs the Rangers I picked the fucking

Flyers! That series is actually 1-1 Boston Detroit, I picked the Bruins That series is 1-1 Montreal, I actually picked Montreal Jesus Christ, where the fuck Are all my losses? Oh, yeah

San Jose, Los Angeles I picked Los Angeles, I guess they're not the favorites But I looked, ah, San Jose fucking They like win the president's trophy every year Then they fucking, they lose Usually in the first goddamn round I'm not shitin' on the San Jose Shacks!

Come on down, MVP sports We got all the jerseys, we got the shacks The Steelers, the Chargers, and more Um I'll never forget that read Every time I say San Jose Shacks I always think about MVP sports In Boston

Yeah, so I just, they do it every year I'm stating a fact, alright Pittsburgh, Columbus, I picked the Penguins, that's 1-1 Colorado, Minnesota, I picked Minnesota They're down 0-2 Chicago, St. Louis, I picked the blues I'm sorry, I picked Chicago

They're down 0-2 I don't know, but anyways It's been a hell of a fucking, ah Actually, wait a minute, let's go back here Was I that bad? Maybe I'm giving Verzi a compliment Alright, Minnesota Wild I picked them, they're down 0-2 Blackhawks, they're down 0-2

I did pick the Ducks I picked The Kings, they're down 0-2 I picked I think I'm doing alright Look, if the Bruins win this series And the fucking Penguins Win that series and the Flyers win

Then I think I'm alright And then you know what, I would owe Paul Verzi an apology Um, anyways How great is the Playoffs, man? I swear to God, if you're still watching NBA Hoop I understand it, it's a great game To watch, but come on Why don't you watch a real fucking league

Instead of the NBA Who's kidding who? If you really watch the NBA I mean, that is the most manipulated fucking sport I mean, I know All of them are a goddamn business I would say the NFL is the least manipulated Now, I know a lot of people don't like the new rules

But everybody's got to play by them But like, I've said this a zillion times But everybody's got to fucking Seahawks Goddamn Seahawks Just want a fucking Super Bowl That's great When the fuck are the Mariners going to be in a position Where they can spend enough money

To compete with the Red Sox and the Yankees Give me a break It ain't fucking happening Although they just blew a bunch of money On Robinson Cano Paul Verzi's man crush Um They had to fuck

What a bunch of idiots they were Didn't they learn anything from the Texas Fucking Rages You know, blow 200 million on a shortstop And you have no money for pitching So you didn't blow 200 million Oh, what if it's on the other side of second base We'll fucking blow 200 million on this guy

So anyways Yeah, the NBA is basically I feel like the NBA is like It's like wrestling Two years before they admitted That it's just was all right You know, we're fake fighting But we're really hurting each other

And then everybody was just like, all right, cool We'll go with this The NBA Just go look They're really playing the games But You know, we gotta make sure certain teams Get to a certain point in the playoffs

So we can get the ratings We need so we can all make our money And We refuse to pay the referees Anything more than we're giving them Despite the fact that An NBA official Has more power than any other official

In the four major sports Now I just paused there because I'm waiting For all the fucking moron sports fans It's fucking bullshit It's true, no other sport can you just Sit a fucking guy down A star player You can sit him down in the first quarter

Give him two quick ones, second quarter I've said this a zillion fucking times You can keep him on the bench, the whole goddamn game You can't keep Tom Brady on the bench You'd have to kick him out for something What is Tom Brady going to do? That's going to make you kick him out Huh?

What are you going to penalize him for? His dimple being too deep You're going to take out some measuring things Stick like when somebody has like a Too curved a stick and hockey You're not throwing them out Anyways I'm not saying you can't manipulate the game

But nowhere can you manipulate it more than the fucking NBA So I'm just saying come on over and watch the fucking hockey It's been unbelievable so far And The Bruins Detroit series Is shaping up to go seven games It's been fucking great

Game one I mean They just made us look old and slow Detroit is so goddamn fast And let me ask you this, when was the last time you saw A Detroit Red Wings team Where every pass wasn't tape to tape Like what, 1994?

I mean they're going on like fucking 17 years The puck movement on that team is fucking unbelievable And Datsuk is from another planet That goal that he scored To win game one It was so fucking good I couldn't even get mad I mean it definitely took the wind

Out of my sails but I was just like Jesus Christ that was the thing of fucking beauty That backhand pass he had in game two He's fucking incredible And so what anyways If those of you who weren't watching They They were just flying all around the ice

And we looked like we were like A division two hockey team trying to keep up with them So you knew what was going to happen Alright game two we're going to get physical And that's what we were able to do So now game three Is coming up now they're going to adjust You know to us getting physical

With them, you know it's always hard After you won a fucking game To You know To win that next game in the playoffs Because you know you won the game So you're like I guess we keep doing what we're doing You basically have to wait

To see the other teams adjustments That's why I love playoff series And that type of stuff So I know there's a bunch of Detroit Redwind fans And haters of the Bruins fans right now You probably have your face Like a centimeter away from your Jesus Christ how long was I in Europe

Like an inch away from your fucking millimeter Your recording device right now Going is he going to bring up Milan Lucic In his piece of shit Yes move absolutely Somebody said Going I would love to hear you defend Milan Lucic

He basically spared this guy Um Like I think he got Half taint half ball bag Hopefully the guys balls Hopefully Milan stick He basically A sweet spot of the ball bag

That causes both of your fucking balls To go sideways Like those side impact airbags Just fucking To the side And then his stick came down Before they clang back together Which still would definitely hurt but when they're going to clang back together

You'd rather be ball to ball Rather than Both balls hitting the fucking wood Or whatever the fuck a stick's made out of now That's the second time He's done that In three fucking weeks And I can't defend it

I think he should have got suspended I think it's a fucking joke That that was a $5,000 fine $5,000 fine so basically What you're telling me NHL Is you're telling me that Danny DeKaiser's Balls

Are worth no more than $2,500 Is that what you're telling me I mean you're basically fucking With the man's ability To start a family This goes beyond The game of hockey Look

You know what it is, it's a new move I haven't seen anybody do that Consistently, I've seen somebody While somebody's looking at him You know And it's the shaft of the stick And they'll kind of fucking bring it up like that Oh he acted it out, you like that

They'll fucking bring it up But to have a guy skating up the fucking ice Not even looking at you And you come there and you turn your stick In the blade up And give the guy a fucking Wood uppercut To his taint and ball area

I mean Jesus Christ I'll tell you That's some new forensic shit right there You know Actually that's the only person That bruises looks like Is a guy in forensics Actually I got a bruised

Ball bag and taint one time I don't know if I ever told you guys this story I was working in a warehouse And we had a softball team It was basically an excuse For people to drink fucking Coors Light and wine coolers It was the 80s

The ladies did drink the wine coolers When I played in the league It was right before The guys just come out So there was actually a few guys Having some out of a four pack And it was It was that

Maybe that three week window Before it closed Where your entire manhood Was judged if you ever had a fucking wine cooler But there was when they first came out Bartles and James, these two fucking cute old guys Doing these silly commercials That it was actually, oh let me try this

You know It's like the Zima version of wine So anyways Anyways, whatever I'm on base I'm trying to go first to third on some fucking single to right And my boss Is on third base

And the ball comes in, oh it came in from left field So I must have been on second base, I never had any wheels So there's no fucking way I was trying to go first to third On something that's left So I'm running into second and I come in standing up And They threw the ball To center field because they threw it to the outside

Of third base, so he's basically, he's reaching over Into foul territory And he backhanded Backhanded, how did he do it? He backhanded it And then swooped up To try to tag me And I came in standing up

And he fucking With the ball in the web Of his glove Went fucking thwap To my fucking undercarriage And I remember standing on third base Waiting for the pain You know, like it didn't happen at first

And then immediately I'm thinking of that Eddie Murphy bit That he did on one of his specials Where when you get Hitting the ball so bad there's that delay And then the Yeah That's usually a medium hit If you get hit in the ball it's really bad, you just go

And you go down But if there's that light to medium hit Where you get hit And there's a delay in the penalty The pain I don't know Eddie Murphy did a fucking Phenomenal bit on it, so anyways And it never came and I'm standing there

And I'm sitting there Waiting for people to start giving me shit To be like dude you just got hit in the balls And you didn't feel any pain How small are they? Right? And it wasn't until like fucking Like two three days later

I'm in the shower Right? And I'm cleaning myself And all of a sudden I just fucking I don't know how I How the fuck do you look at your taint I don't know I was washing my ball bag And I saw a little bit of color

Right? And I looked down and I swear to God The back half of my Sack right to the taint Was like Like a purple Alright And I didn't even feel that

So I can't even imagine What fucking Poor Danny DeKyres His Ball bag and fucking taint look When he took a piece of lumber I mean it's just completely And I'm going to say this

Milan Lucic Other than just the haters that don't like him Because he's a classic power forward That can score goals And beat the fuck out of anybody on your team If he chooses Right? And I don't want to hear any of you guys going like

Oh boy he backed down He backed down the fucking Who the fuck was the goon the Canadians Had back in the day I shouldn't say goon He made it in our form George LaRocque He was like why doesn't he fight that guy

And it's just like well Okay we're trying to win a hockey game here Stupid So we're supposed to have a fucking all star Square off with the goon Okay Keep calling him a goon Square off with the goddamn artist

Of fighting Fighting a martial artist On skates He's supposed to fight this guy I'm not saying he would have won He's a fucking big guy But he's risking injury And he's going to be sitting in the penalty box

We don't have him for five fucking minutes And you don't have George LaRocque It's stupid It's fucking stupid That's like people yesterday Will give me shit on twitter asking why Charer didn't fight that guy That he was a foot taller than That guy was trying to goad him

Into dropping the gloves so he sits in the penalty box And anybody who fucking says that Charer's a pussy Because he didn't fight that guy You're a fucking moron And you don't understand the game I don't even care how many fucking games you watched It's a Daniel Charer Arguably

Still the best defenseman in the league If not, he's top two or three So he's going to drop the gloves With a forward And then go sit down And maybe get an extra two We're an entirely different team When that guy's in the box

You saw him laughing at the guy Going alright, you drop him first Even then That would have been stupid Anyways, Lucic He only had one bad incident I'm also prejudiced because I'm a Bruins fan Was when he fucking

Took a run at Ryan Miller I hope I'm getting these names right That didn't sound right when I said it Reggie Miller, Ryan Miller So he had that one Everybody has their one I got pissed and I got frustrated Blah blah blah

But now he's got that and he's got two Spearings of the undercarriage So I think for Milan to get his rep back He's going to have to be like Lady Bing for the next seven years But I think that those two are going to haunt him For a while You can't fucking do that

You can't do that and that's a goddamn shame That the NHL Said that poor Danny DeKaiser's fucking balls And only worth $2,500 each Those guys At pawn shop Would have given you more fucking money for those And those guys don't pay shit

Hey, can I get $2,500 for my balls And then that bald-headed guy Would be like How much do you really want $2,500 each, you cunt I hate that everybody's a pussy On that fucking show When he comes walking in

You come in with whatever you got And he's like, oh yeah, that looks great Can I get one cent for this He's like, how much do you really want He's fucking joke That's what I want, fuck oh, now it's two cents Anyways That's why I stopped watching that show

There's something about the way that they do that That I don't enjoy Yet I can watch fast and loud And I think it's absolutely fucking hilarious Watching Richard Rawlings Bust those people down There's just something, I don't know The way he does it, it's so goddamn funny

If you guys watch any of the new episodes Where he went up And he met some guy named So-and-so Six-pack Magoo, whatever his fucking name In the middle of Minnesota And the guy's shit-faced And he gives Richard's buddy Literally a jar of moonshine

That guy starts drinking I forget what the fuck they were trying to buy Oh, a 57 Chevy That's how it was Was that the one with the dent in it? I think he got it from that guy So he's trying to bust the guy down to like 1500 bucks for this

And it is a hunk of shit, but it's a 57 Chevy So he knows that he can flip this thing And this guy's hammered And he wants 1800 bucks And Richard won't go above 1500 So the guy breaks out some dice And they roll the dice on the hood of the car I mean right there, I mean it's just, come on

That's fucking America right there By the way, he lost He had to pay him 1800 bucks, but still he got a 57 For 1800 bucks, it was a good thing I'm totally on a tangent here So anyway, so there you go Detroit Red Wing fans and everybody else And I want you to remember this

All right, you myopic cunts When somebody on your team does something filthy Don't be that douche in the sports bar Who just blindly Defends your fucking team If somebody on your team does a piece of shit move You gotta call him, you gotta call it out And say it's a piece of shit move

He should have got suspended And like, come on My balls are worth more than 2500 bucks each And I'm not in the playoffs I'm not even in the league I play pickup hockey Okay, and if you fucking hit me in the nuts

Hard enough All right, when I go to sue you I'm not suing you for five grand All right, so there we go We are well into the podcast here The podcast Oh, oh hey Billy Redface

He's got to do some stand up comedy here Because I have not done any stand up comedy Since I I did the all in I hosted the all in tour down it And So I'm going to shake the rust off I got a bunch of shit I want to talk about

Because I'm doing some gigs this week In Portland, Oregon Not Oregon Portland, Maine, sorry Montpelier, Vermont And Albany, New York I believe that those are the three gigs I'm doing this weekend I could probably go to my podcast

My website, maybe get that information I could probably do something like that And be organized, but then again If I did that, it would not be the Monday morning podcast Now would it? Speaking of podcast The wonderful all things comedy Podcast network

That me, Al Madrigal and some friends of ours have started We actually We got some new people that are coming aboard Doug Stanhope is going to be coming aboard We got the And we got Dean Edwards Hosting The Father Muckin

The Father Muckin Protocol How do you not listen to that podcast? The Father Muckin Protocol where he talks about the do's And don'ts And what's been done Alright, if Dean Edwards name sounds familiar That's because you've seen him on Colin Ferguson, SNL

Cast member, now on MTV Two's hit, The Guy Code He also does spot on impressions He does Eddie Murphy Bernie Mac, Don Cheadle Chris Rock He does a good impression of me Check it out at the All Things Comedy Network

The Father Muckin Protocol Actually, I don't know if I was supposed to Announce Doug Stanhope yet I'll probably just fuck that up But there's rumors that he's coming aboard How about that, huh? Little teaser Alright, let's read a little more advertising

Then we'll get into the question for this week Oh, also check out All Things Comedy Tom Sigoura's New special, completely normal It's fucking hilarious And for those of you who live out in LA The next All Things Comedy Comedy show out here

The thing that we do every month so we can pay for our studios And yours truly will be on it Along with Neil Brennan And a host of other All Things Comedy people And we're bringing the lumber that night So come on down I think the tickets are like 15 bucks Help us pay for the studio so we can keep

We'll make you laugh, there you go Alright, Stamps.com everybody When you think about the, oh, and by the way That shows April 29th Oh, my dog's dreaming Listen, my dog's dreaming Did you hear that? Oh, now she's not going to do it

She just went I wonder what they fucking have nightmares about I think they're just like us Like they just know what they know and they just fucking They just have nightmares That fucking thing sleeps all goddamn day My dog's been jet lagged since I got it Um

Alright, Stamps.com everybody When you think about the best time to go to the post office You're probably guessing before work After work or during lunch, wrong That's when it's the most crowded Everyone's going to be there at that time The truth is there is no convenient time to go to the post office And that's why you need Stamps.com

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Shave time, shave money DollarShaveClub.com That's DollarShaveClub.com Okay Alright let's get into the Some of the emails here for this week Alright Caught cheating

Hey they have freckles to clown I'm a married guy in my mid 30s I don't want to bore everyone with the details I finally got caught cheating on my wife With a 25 year old lady The affair went on for about 4 months And the truth is I really Started to like this girl

After getting caught and spending a few nights in a hotel My wife graciously suggests That we work on our marriage And try to put this mess behind us We have two small children So all logic points to me Agreeing to get the help we need And to move on with our marriage

The only problem is that I can't get This other girl out of my mind These women are two polar opposites Of each other. My wife A professional more Conservative woman and the other girl Is a 25 year old party girl I know what the clear answer is

But how do I snap out of this And put this other girl out of my mind Alright this is a very simple one sir First of all Your wife is a saint Alright that she's going to take you back And I'm not judging you Alright I am a man we've all been there

Alright she's a saint That she's going to fucking take you back Alright so You got to treat her like that one And secondly what do you do How do you get this girl out of your mind Easy you wake up in the morning You walk into a bathroom

You close the door and you rub one out to her And then you get on with your fucking day Alright Go in there close the door rub one out When you're done rubbing one out It's just going to hit you What am I out of my fucking mind Listen how you describe

You know these women they're two polar opposites My wife is a professional more conservative woman And the other girl is a 25 year old party girl Why don't you just say it Your wife is the kind of girl you marry And this other girl is a fucking whore Alright Dude it ain't

It's not worth it just fucking just Get it out of your I'm telling you If you're any sort of intelligent human being The second you rub one out You're going to be thinking I don't want to call that other girl What am I a fucking idiot You're going to look at your kids

What the hell was I thinking Other than that if you don't you're an idiot Alright because this is what's going to happen You're going to lose your wife Your kids are going to hate you You're going to go on a futon in a studio apartment And that 25 year old party girl Is going to move on to somebody else

And you're going to be left there with your dick in your hand So both scenarios you end up with Your dick in your hand Would you like to do it in a four bedroom house Or a fucking studio apartment With empty Chinese food containers All around as you cry yourself to sleep Wondering what the fuck happened

Jesus I gave him the lumber there didn't I Those little loot sheets there Between the balls there Alright next one I am a hideous human being Dear Bill I'll be straight to the point I am 25 years old

And I have been a closet homosexual For as long as I can remember Well dude you're gay So you were gay the second you were born That's like me being I'm a straight as long as I can remember I guess you've been in the closet Is what you're trying to say I don't know you confused me Maybe you're right

Maybe this is another example of me being dumb Maybe I've read the sentence wrong who knows Who cares let's continue Sentence number three I come from a strict Asian immigrant family And my parents would commit suicide If they found out about my orientation You know I got scared when I saw the first

You basic you know orientation If you take off the shun and put the L there That was the word that I thought oriental Was coming on and I was going to get in trouble here Therefore I've been committing petty crimes For the past few years To get into jail so I could pursue

And nurture my homosexuality Fuck you Fuck you I'm calling bullshit I'll answer this But I'm calling bullshit on this one But there is something for you I gotta tell you though This is a very unique lie So this could actually be true

You know what I'm gonna go with this Like it's true just in case It is true and I don't want to be yet another person Turning my back on this person Alright so here we go Recently I was locked up After I took three tabs of acid And I don't really remember how I got

Into the can When I became sober During my trip I saw A thousand dog bites Oh when you were tripping You saw a thousand dog bites at me from every direction And it was the worst drug experience of my life That's why I wasn't surprised

When I woke up in jail Anyway I was quite relieved To be away from society until eight hours later I was released by my parents The cops called them while I was tripping in jail My question is If it's better to be in jail happy And away from society

Or an unhappy individual That satisfies his parents and social Oh if it's better Dude What are you doing If this is actually true come on man You gotta be who you are Alright

And I think every day I don't know where you live in the world But every single day I just feel like That scale's a tipping in The more enlightened Favorable direction And you know what

You can become a part of that tipping of the scale Seeing that kid Who's going into the NFL And he talked about when I read that story How when he finally came out to his teammates And he felt like a cinder block came off his chest I know the feeling Of having to carry something around

I don't know to that fucking level So I don't think you're gonna regret it Alright Your parents aren't gonna fucking kill themselves It might take them a while To Come around

Alright You know what Fuck them Okay I think they will Because at the end of the day you're that kid Alright but what the fuck do I know But at the end of the day

Every kid at the end of the day Has to make a break with their parents on some level Where your philosophies Do not line up with theirs And if you're truly gonna pursue What's gonna make you happy in life There has to be the cutting Fuck them

I know when I was a little kid To me they were gods and I wanted their approval And at the end of the day I now realize That they're human beings and they Have their flaws And what they want me to do Does not fit in with what I want to do And if you're not hurting anybody

Which you're not Dude What do you think you're gonna go to jail and find love I mean it's not exactly going With some healthy fucking people I would be like if a woman wanted to Find a good boyfriend And she fucking went to a place where

Guys were locked up for abusing women You know what I mean Those are some uh yeah You can find A better boyfriend than that Just go to a gay bar I would say you know or whatever I don't pretend to know what the fuck

That's bad that's like me saying to a woman Hey you want to meet a good guy go to a bar Whatever We've reached the end Of my intelligence On this topic We probably did about five minutes ago But I'm too dumb to realize it

But dude if this is real I'm treating it real Although it's so fucking crazy I don't know Don't do that alright If this is actually true I'm choosing to believe it Don't fucking do that alright

If you just sit him down I don't know how you would do it You just gotta sit him down Just say it just get it out there And then you said it and then it's out there Yeah you know I don't want to do After that You know what why don't you go

Meet a gay guy I'm sure he can Fucking give you some advice why are you Asking me Why am I yelling at you I got frustrated Because I don't have the answers I feel bad for you If it's true alright I hope it works out Alright Being gay is great

You're fucking in great shape You got all this disposable income And wherever you're living You're making the fucking property value Go up It's a lot of advantages You know Anyways let's plow ahead

Where are we 54 minutes Okay X won't sell house Dear Bill Big fan met you in Jacksonville A while back I have a quick question for you My ex fiance and I were together For four and a half years Why the fuck did you buy a house

With somebody you're not married to Alright that doesn't help you But for anybody listening do not buy a house Do not live with somebody You're not gonna marry do not buy A house with somebody you're not gonna If you're not married don't do that shit Anyways during the relationship

She remained loyal While I was deployed to the Middle East And upon my return I used my saved up Money to buy a house With her near the beach Oh my god if this fucking woman Is gonna somehow make a claim To your house that you bought

With your serving for our country Putting your life on the line money This would be a new level of hoarding Is that a new word I think Horedom Alright I know it's a new word But that might not be the proper use of it already

Which would be very apropos For the type of fucking moron I am Alright hang on a second What the hell am I Okay it was her dream house And I felt that if the deployment Didn't ruin us that nothing would Well I was wrong

We decided to split and I tried to be Immutable And let her keep the house If she could pay me The closing cost of about 8 grand This is what guys do They just want to cut bait and fucking leave Women got that fucking

They burrow in She agreed alright Why did you do that She agreed and I moved You bought the fucking house did she kick in for it Maybe I'm being too hard on her I don't know she agreed To get back home to New Jersey

To start a new life It's been nearly a year And she has stalled every effort To get this resolved When a contract was finally in place She decided it needed some amendments To protect herself That basically left me with less money

Than we agreed and getting her A house worth 150 grand For 8,000 bucks Dude I swear to fucking god If I read one more of these fucking stories You're a fucking woman alright And you host one of these shows Where you're always talking about the shit that men do

How about you balance it out The way I balanced it out saying That Lucic did a piece of shit fucking move Why don't you bring this shit up This is ridiculous He goes I threw out the contract And contacted a realtor to list the house There you go

She's refused to sell And her name is on the title Because I'm a fucking idiot My ex Dude don't give into that My ex has not been involved Since and this guy is a real cunt Who is only out for her

My cousin who is a lawyer is guiding me through the process But I need some advice from you On how to resolve this issue I just found out that the family friend Is my new ex's new boyfriend I could have told you that My question is how do I Let them know that I know

I'm like a serial killer Who needs to be caught What? I'm like a serial killer Who needs to be caught her man Caught here man What? I can't resist them thinking

I don't I guess no anymore I thought a nice joke about her having herpes Would be a good start I joked that she was too selfish To even give me that Any feedback or advice on the podcast I usually say cut bait

But fuck that Fuck that Fuck that You have two options here And I don't want to tell you What the second one is The first one is Well you have three

Fight this which I would Walk away from it Which I wouldn't Number three Would involve A convenient accident that happened To the house But even then

She'd probably fight you for the How could they figure out You started the fire I shouldn't even brought that up Listen this is what you gotta do You just gotta accept the fact That you're in for a long fight here The lawyers are gonna get most of the money

But that bitch is not gonna get the house Now To go that route Oh god I don't want to tell you to quit But my world I would just be like look You want 150,000 fucking dollar house

Just take the fucking house Free and clear It cost you 150 grand To get rid of this fucking devil woman That new guy down She's gonna take that guy down I mean granted I only heard your side of the story

And I'm taking this as the truth And if this is the truth That's not You don't want that devil woman In your fucking life That is some evil fucking shit I gotta walk away from this story Because it's actually making me fucking mad

And I don't have a dog in the fight here What I'm doing is I am inserting myself into the story Who I would be in this fucking story Oh Jesus dude You're young Get into the best shape You life

Hit on women out of your fucking league And then treat her like a fucking queen Marry her and then walk by this bitch Someday on the street That's what I would do Oh you fucking cunt I'm 26 Short and simple

Eight off hit bur I don't know what that means I'm 26 and I started dating a girl A lady We got to talking about doing the dirty Oh Jesus And she said she doesn't want to be sexual for a while Probably because you say

Hey what do you say we do the dirty I got my fucking balls over here With a stick attached to it And I like to Per se Man was out My question is How long is too long to wait

I don't want to pressure her I want her to feel comfortable but at the same time I'm 26 what do you think Also side note What do you think about the luchis Cup I already went on that Alright I don't want to pressure her

Dude you don't give a fuck about this woman She's out of the relationship You just want to bang her You want to fuck her 26 I got my fucking balls Full over here what am I supposed to do Oh by the way what do you think about that Thing that guy getting the hockey game

I'm supposed to give a fuck You couldn't even get through this goddamn question That fucking sidetrack This is what I'd do I'd break up with her Alright she doesn't want to have sex with you No means no Don't pressure her She doesn't want to have sex with her

Why is she sobbing you fucking weirdo Look You don't give a shit You don't give a fuck about this woman Okay You don't break up with her Go find some woman that's going to jump on your dick Because that's what you want right now in your life

Because you're 26 Alright there you go He says thanks and go fuck yourself Same to you sir Same to you Wheeee Why won't it stop ringing It's actually my wife's phone

Hey Nia Your phone is buzzing and it's not going to stop Is this like the Illuminati calling Where they fucking go around you What is it doing It's buzzing Oh it's your alarm Oh alright how you doing

I'm actually wrapping up the podcast Right now Alright there you go That's the kind of interaction you live for You know what You have to while you get to know the person you live with That means I'm watching something interesting You douche

Alright that's the podcast for this week everybody I hope you enjoyed it I hope it made you laugh in the beginning part of the week I am going to be Why don't we look it up here Why don't we look this shit up here See where the fuck I'm going to be Where am I going to be

Billy Freckles BillBurr.com Oh by the way everybody If you're thinking about buying something on Amazon.com And you would also like to donate to this podcast Go to the podcast page on BillBurr.com Click on the Amazon banner

Right it'll take you right to Amazon Doesn't cost you any extra money They kick me a little Don't ring me there for sending you there If you don't want to do it I understand You know your fingers got better things to do Than do it with extra two clicks Alright let's get on with the shows here

William Burr here Is going to be at the Flynn Theater Oh I'm not in Montpelier Burlington Vermont Burlington Coat Factory Come on down and get yourself a windbreaker I'm going to be at the Burlington The Flynn Theater

In Burlington Vermont On April 25th April 26th I'm going to be at the State Theater in Portland, Maine For two shows They added a late show I guess And then on April 27th

I'm going to be at the Palace Theater In Albany, New York There you go That's the end of the podcast Oh Cleo Get up here buddy Come on Jesus Christ now you won't get up on the bed

Come here There you go What's up buddy Fucking pee Making me want to work out Alright that's the podcast for this week Go fuck yourselves Au revoir

Something else in French Thanks for watching Don't forget to like and subscribe See you next week Thank you