Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-22-13

Episode Date: April 22, 2013

Bill rambles about the NBA, Bankers, and Terrorists.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast. And before I get started, I forgot to read one of the ads. So I got to read this one right here at the top and then splice the thing in. You don't need to know the technicalities. Here we go. You ready? Sit down, fold your fucking hands and face forward. LegalZoom.com, everyone. Look, you got a plan for your future. You do financial planning, you get insurance. But to get real peace of mind, you got to make sure your family is legally protected. So where do you turn to? For affordable legal protection, you can trust one place and one place only, LegalZoom.com. For over 12 years, they've been helping Americans get personalized

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is yours. And now, the beginning of the podcast. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, April 22nd, 2013. How are you? How you doing? Well, that's good. What a week. It's amazing how much the world can change in a week. This week had everything. Sadness, fear, triumph, and conspiracy theory. What else do you need? And by conspiracy theory, of course, talking about how the fucking Los Angeles Lakers made it into the NBA playoffs. Dude, the NBA is the most manipulated. It's almost like they're trying to get caught. You know what I mean? I'm going to sound like this fucking guy who made this conspiracy theory about the bombings in Boston, but to steal his fucking line,

how much more proof do you need? All you got to look at is fucking, who would you rather see in the playoffs? Who's going to make him more fucking money, huh? The fucking Utah Jazz of the Los Angeles Lakers. Jesus Christ. I mean, it was fucking ridiculous. And now they're in the playoffs and they suck. People are going to watch because they hate them just to watch them suck and watch them get pounded. It's just fucking out of it. It's the worst. It's the easiest fucking league to fix. All right. Nobody has more power than a fucking NBA official. I could fix a game. I don't even understand the game. You know, all I got to do is just fucking, I've said this before, all you have to do is a fucking NBA ref. Who's

their best player? Give them two quick ones. Foul. And then another foul, right? And as he's sitting there, turn around, looking over his shoulder with his fucking eyebrows down, you know, some guy's worth 300 million fucking more than I am in my stupid athletes' foot shirt. I just look at him like, yeah, keep looking. I'll give you a T, a fucking T up. Right? So now he's out of the fucking game. He comes back into the game the second quarter. I give him another one. That's three. Say in the third quarter, buddy. There's no other fucking sport. You can't do that in NFL football. You know, I can't call intentional grounding fucking two times on top radio and get them out of the game until the second quarter. I

can't call three strikes on a fucking, you know what I'm saying? It is the most manipulate obvious and obviously brutally obviously manipulated game. This is what kills me. What fucking kills me about the mouth breathing fucking morons that you walk into that you bump into that you walk into. I'm a fucking mouth breathing moron. I can't even express my views. I'm actually taking a class on that. How to express your views. I'd call other people dumb without sounding dumb yourself. Have you found yourself on your podcast with no guest? No. This is what kills me about these fucking mouth breathing morons. If you start telling them that the NBA is fixed or it's fucking manipulated, they roll their eyes

at you like you're a moron. And what fucking kills me is they had a mobbed up ref. They had a fucking mobbed up ref. And then they do that shit. I was just one. It was just one. Yeah, just one bad seat. Like the NBA, it's boxing. It's basically boxing without it. It's just as fucking corrupt. I love that shit how it was just one, how there was a mobbed up ref and none of the other referees on the officiating crew could figure out that this guy was throwing games or shaving points. I mean, what are they doing? They don't notice. Give me a fucking break is all I'm saying. All right. And then another thing is I there's no other fucking sport where the star players get the level of preferential treatment. I

don't want to hear it from you fucking NFL fans with how they protect quarterbacks. Okay, they do that straight across the fucking they do that straight across the fucking league because those guys are their breadwinners and obviously a paint manning a Brady is going to get more the star players always get more preferential treatment. Okay, in all sports, I'll throw that out there, but none none like the fucking NBA. All right, if you go near Kobe Bryant, you're getting a fucking foul. If it doesn't go in, he looks at the ref like it didn't go in. Obviously, I was fouled and he gets the fucking call. It's annoying. Um, haven't said all that as much as I hate the Lakers. That was the fucking worst thing

I've seen in sports in a long time. Other than that kid's leg fallen off for Louisville was, uh, uh, Kobe, uh, snappers snapping his fucking Achilles, but luckily they're in it in an age now where they think he's going to be back the way that they can operate on. Like one of my try to say the level of technology that they had like back in the day, you were fucked. It was over. Um, my buddy, Jason Lawhead, who's got a great podcast himself, um, was saying Dominique Wilkins came, took a year off after injury and actually came back and became NBA player of the year, but he was never the same guy, but, but it's different now, you know, but your course, they won't take into consideration. So when

he does come back, they can be the most unbelievable, improbable, you know, uh, isn't it ridiculous? My level of fucking, it's not even a Lakers. It's their fucking fans. Their lack of knowledge on the game where they have one of the most selfish, self-centered fucking players of all time and how the team actually plays as a team when he's not on the fucking court and they still chant MVP when that fucking cancer comes back out on the court. It just blows my fucking mind. You know, why? Cause everybody's in a fantasy league and it's all about, well, he had fucking 38 and this guy had 22 there for 16 points better. All right. Let me take my tampon out here and let's get on with the podcast. You're listening

to the Monday morning podcast and it's not brought to you by anybody this week. It's brought to you by me and my fucking. Um, all right. So I started off with something silly and over the top. Uh, I don't, I don't like talking about heavier shit on this podcast, but obviously I got to acknowledge what happened at the Boston marathon. Um, you know, I'm not going to say anything that everybody else hasn't already said. I just don't know how somebody could, how do you fucking do that? Just walk up and you're setting it down and you're looking at people's legs and kids and shit and you're just walking away knowing that in whatever seven minutes, eight minutes, whatever the fuck it is. I mean, just, I need

to do something like that. You know, fucking unbelievable. It's goddamn nerds, man. I gotta tell you something. Nerds are some of the most dangerous fucking people on the planet. Okay. Those two were a couple of nerds, nerds, fucking MIT fucking nerds. You sent me in a goddamn hobby store to cannibalize some fucking toys. You think I'm coming out with a bomb? I'm not. I'm coming up with the fucking ugliest toy you've ever seen in your life. All fucking taped together with duct tape. I didn't know what, what is in a fucking hobby store? What is in there? What did they, what, what did they, some glue? I don't know what they took. Um, it is another thing that's fucking annoys me. You know, and then everything's

nerds, they make all these fucking movies like they're these great goddamn people. They aren't, they aren't all the weaponry that you see across the fucking globe for as much as some sociopath thinks of the shit. It takes a nerd to make that psycho thought a fucking reality. Fucking goddamn nerds. You teach them, you know, the secrets of the world and this is what they do with it. You know, well, they come up with something and then somebody else uses it for fucking evil. I don't know what the fucking thing is, but here's my thing. Fuck any terrorists listening to this podcast. Are you in a fucking cave right now? You know, jerking off to your fucking 72 virgins or whatever the hell they're promising you. All right. First of all, they're

not there when you die. You're going the ground. Okay. That's where you're going. So what you want to do is you want to try and stay alive. You know, meet yourself a cute fucking lady. You know, have a cookout, ride a bicycle, fill the wind in your fucking hair or in your beard. You know, what are you doing? When is your district manager going to go fucking do something instead of sending all you cunts over here? Here's another thing too. How about you switch it up every once in a while and you go to a gated community, you know, doesn't always have to be regular people. Why don't you actually fucking go after the cunts that are making your life miserable? And you know who I'm talking about. I'm talking about the fucking bankers.

You know, let me tell you something about these banker cunts. They fucking own everything. You understand me? They own everything. And if they don't own it, it's just temporary because somebody's going to fucking die or need a kidney and then they're going to lose whatever the fuck that they own. You know, every fucking house, every fucking building, every fucking piece of property, every fucking blade of grass, these fucking banker cunts own. And they look at it that way. That's our stuff. Okay. And then you go on it. You air quote, buy it from us. And then we bend you over that fence and fuck you in the ass for 30 years. And by the time you come out the other side, you're too fucking old to take care of whatever you bought. I can't go up the stairs

anymore, too old. And then you sell it. And then they get another 30, 35 year old cunt in there and they fucking bend him over and fucking have at it for 30 goddamn years. That's what they do. Yeah. So I don't know what those people were trying to fucking achieve. All they did was just, you know, make a bunch of regular people. Just, there's no way to hear whatever your whatever your fucking causes. I don't give a fuck. You could actually have agree with me on everything that I think about the fucking world, the second you walk into a crowd and just fucking do something like that. I don't want to hear it. But you know, what was was was fucking amazing was

how they just shut the whole fucking city down. I mean, that's just unbelievable. Everybody just stay inside and then you just got the only person running up the street is the guy you're looking for a couple of crackheads, you know, crackheads don't have radios. Plus they live outside of where the fuck am I supposed to go in my box? You know, get your feet up on that park bench. Your fucking feet come off the park bench. You officially considered outside against you can shoot two in your fucking neck that kid. How funny was the news coverage listening all those fucking Boston accents? Yeah, we ascertain that there's no suspect some more C Boulevard.

And the I actually didn't watch most of it. Once the bullshit was going, it's like I'm not going to sit here for eight hours and watching goddamn standoff, watching these fucking news reporters grabbing anything with a mouth to start talking to him. You know, we got a we got a gentleman here who works at it works at Edmunds bakery. You said that you you actually knew one of the suspects. Actually, no, but both of them had brown hair and my mother's got brown hair. So there's like, you know, it's like Erie, you know, then one time they actually got a guy who were one of the suspects dropped off the car. You know, and he had all this fucking unbelievable information. And he's just spewing it out on

television. And it and they're also filming the cops where they're at their location. I just wanted something like fucking 20 year vet to come up to one of these reporters, stick a pistol right underneath his fucking chin and just be like, who's fucking cider you want? They're sitting there showing what they're doing. I don't know. But anyways, I was really amazed at how quickly and efficiently that whole thing went down and how quickly they got those guys. It was unreal. And then I was happy that when I found out I'm sitting there going please, please don't be from North Korea. Please don't be from the Middle fucking East. Please don't be from one of those fucking places. Because these fucking assholes are going to beat us

because if we keep bombing every fucking and go into war with every country that they're from, I mean, we're going to go bankrupt. I mean, we just spent like fucking out how many billions of dollars did we just spend to catch like 35 people? I don't know why we just don't send the drones over there. What are they going to do? Worst thing to do is they shoot one down. It gives a fuck. You just make another one. Have a fucking nerd make another one. You just fly around over there, right? Damn, I know I'm overly simplifying it, but then I found out they were from Chetnia and I went Chetnia. I wouldn't fuck you say it. And how many people were like, like me who said that? They're from Chetnia. You can't even say it and let alone even know where it is. I thought

that was near like Yugoslavia or like Czechoslovakia. And today when I went to look it up before the podcast, so I wouldn't even sound dumb. I just wrote in Chetnia and I spelt it so bad. Oh my God, I spelt it so bad that I'm not even going to say it. I still can't fucking say it right. And I've heard them say it like nine million times on the news. Like my computer didn't even know what I was typing in. So I had to take my shot at spell in Chetnia and then I would rush after it. And then I was like, Oh, you made this. Evidently, it's just north of Georgia in Armenia and Azerbaijan. It's basically to the right and to the north of Turkey, you know, I don't fucking know. And you know what the worst thing

about the bombing other than the tragic loss of life, you know, and there's so many so much other stuff like just I would imagine people with hearing loss, loss, you know, vision or partial loss of vision and just, I don't know, just the psychological, all of that damage that was done right up there, not right up there, but a distant third to death and injury in psychology. So we'll put it forth is the fact that I really felt that I was that in my own little way, I was starting to turn the tide and I was starting to turn Red Sox fans against that fucking Neil Diamond song. But now, now it's over because now everybody's all patriotic, you know, about Boston. They played the fucking song. They played it at Yankee Stadium. I'm getting douche chills just talking about it.

And then Neil Diamond himself, the devil himself comes to fucking Fenway and everybody reaching out, touching me, touching the fucking joy in these people's faces as they sing along with this man who wrote a song about an eight year old girl. I don't understand it. But it's over now. I give up. I'm thrown in the fucking towel. It's over because now it now it is it's it's now associated with the triumphant feeling of getting the two cunts that, you know, that started the whole fucking or whatever. This is why I'm not a news correspondent. I can't even explain it without saying cunts who are responsible for the bombings of Boston. There we go. That's what I'm trying to say. And now it's associated with that. So it's it's fucking

over. It's fucking over. And anyways, bright side of all of this is that they got the two guys. And the two guys trained in a fucking country that's too fucking big for us to attack at this point. They got too many too much shit themselves. So maybe we won't go we won't have to spend a billion dollars, you know, have a more loss of life on our side and have like kill a million civilians over there trying to find fucking 35 assholes. So so I guess that part of it is good. Then I love that we got them. And I think it's fucking hilarious that people there's already conspiracy theories that that that these aren't the two guys. And it's the YouTube video of the week you got to hear this fucking guy. He basically he pieces together a bunch of video and cell phone pictures. And he

finds another guy with the backpack. And and then that's it. Completely ignores. You know, they say innocent men don't run yet. They also don't kidnap people and throw grenades and shoot guns at fucking police. You know, that's not what you do. Like, wait, I'm being accused by something I didn't do. And then he just grabbed a grenade out of your fucking back pocket. You know, but this guy is absolutely convinced that from his computer, he doesn't need to go down to the scene. He doesn't need to interview anybody. He doesn't need to be anywhere near the evidence. He just needs to be on his computer looking at cell phone pictures and video. And so he finds another guy with the backpack that he says matches the one that was exploded afterwards. And then he goes, there it

is, folks. He goes, how much more proof do you need? Then he goes, he goes smoked at folks game over. He's talking shit like Verzi. I love the guy when I have time, I'm going to go back to his channel. I'm going to watch all of his fucking videos. Because if he's going to end every half ass half baked fucking idea was smoked at folks game over. I mean, I don't know about you guys, but that's easily four hours of entertainment in my world. You know, anyways. So here we go. Let's get this is the Monday morning podcast and I am your ignorant fucking host. And I'll make you feel better over the next 60 minutes about your level of intellect. Because no matter how dumb you think you are, there's no way you're going to come off. Is it stupider than I have? What are we up to? Huh?

How many fucking minutes is it time to do the one and only read this week with 20 minutes in reaching out, touching me pedophile, fucking creepy old do get away from our damn kids. Fuck you. Fuck you. All right, here we go. I just hate when everybody goes bump, bump, bump, you know. Oh, do the world a favor and kill yourself. Kill that song. Wait a minute. Where the fuck is where the fuck is the the ads for this week, everybody? I did my little do diligence here. Downloads. There it is stamps.com. Everybody stamps.com. You know the drill. Small businesses know from experience that going to the post office is a waste of time. But at least but leasing an expensive postage meter is out of the question. I know a better way. And I've

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on to some of the other shit that I want to talk about, I'm going to read this first email that I got from somebody and it's titled anger not hitting said Dear Bill. I watched two of your specials recently on Netflix. While you you are a very funny guy. Now this is when you know some criticism is coming your way anytime. So now you know, yeah, I'm not saying you're not a good guy. While you are a very funny guy. And most of most of the stuff is great. I really need to point out your bit about violence against women has a major flaw. Well, thank you person who never did stand up. Please by all means help me fix my jokes. There's no doubt. There are plenty of reasons a man could be angry with the woman. So there is a reason for that. But there really is

no reason and no excuse for hitting my ex nearly murdered me because I didn't want to be with him anymore and told him he needed to move out of my house. I paid for entirely mine alone. I never laid a hand on him nor even thought of it. I spent a week in intensive care so you can see how I might think that you could amend that bit to say there are reasons for anger not hitting. All right. Now for those of you who aren't stand up comedians, this right here is a reoccurring email that will go on throughout your entire fucking career. And this is what I find. First of all, at no point did I say anybody should hit a woman. I never said that. I said when they say there's no reasons to hit a woman. I presented scenario.

I just said look, there's plenty of reasons to do it. You just don't do it. That was the joke. Repeat the joke. Capital J dash oak joke. And this is what I find about people who get offended and she was cool or whatever. Obviously, you know, um, this is what I find about people who send me emails like this. All right. Obese people get offended by jokes about obesity. You know, women who've been fucking beaten by some piece of shit guy get offended about the hitting women joke. All right. Fuck it. I don't know. People who fly pilots get offended by my shit about talking shit about pilots, but this is what I find pilots never get offended by the obese material. Obese people never get offended by the hitting women thing. The dog lovers who

get offended by the dog, the adopted dog, rescue dog bit, never get offended by the starving child jokes. See what I'm saying? Well, I understand if you don't, let me try to explain a little better. I'm just saying this fucking lady sat through two of my specials. So the first special, okay, she watches, I don't fucking talk about hitting women. So that's an hour right there. She sat through laughter, fucking tits off, had a great time. And then she sits through about 40, 45 minutes of the next one and everything's fucking fine. And everything's funny and everything's just a joke as I'm just going through one topic after another that's offending the fuck out of everybody who's in that group. And then it comes around to some shit that's in her neighborhood.

And then all of a sudden I have to start making like amends to bits. I need to tweak it a little bit because of her fucking personal experience. I have to tweak it because of her personal experience. And then all of a sudden, what I'm saying is not a joke anymore. It's more of a statement. And I'm more like, you know, I mean, early in this podcast, I advocated these terrorists go into a fucking gated community. Do you think I really want them to do that? Yeah. No, I don't, I don't. But just maybe light some firecrackers off underneath their limo, just something, some sort of small payback.

How easy would it be for them to get in the fucking those gated communities? They're already driving the town cars. Dude, if I was a banker, and I was a piece of shit banker, I would be so fucking paranoid that someone was going to whack me for all the misery and suffering that I fucking, you know, that I've been causing. The fact that I turned a fucking pond into my own jacuzzi, right? I can park my yacht in my fucking jacuzzi. And I just sitting there, you know, eating fucking crab legs and caviar every fucking day, standing on fucking dead babies' heads. There's no fucking way I would ever get in a fucking town car. There's no way. There's no way. I would have whoever my Fredo, my litter of kids, whoever the Fredo was, that was to be the guy

that I had driving the car. Although in the Godfather, he was looking out for Marlon Brando, and then he got shot, right? So I don't fucking know. Anyways, oh, you know, I read some actually some really interesting shit about how Iceland beat the bankers. When Iceland went bankrupt, and then the bankers tried to pull this shit where, yeah, we were greedy cuts, and now we're putting the debt on you and your taxpayers. They said, you know what, fuck you. This isn't our debt. This isn't our mess. It's yours. And then all these fucking sellout cunts like fucking Amsterdam and Britain put all this pressure on fucking Iceland because they'd pussied out with the bankers. They've been on their knees sucking that banker cock for fucking ever. They tried to fucking get

them to come along. They tried to pressure them, and I, you know, or else we'll turn you into the Cuba of the North. And they said, fuck you. We're not doing it. And you know what? That's what this country should have done. This country should have told those banker fucking cunts. I just, I'm beside myself that it isn't brought up more. You know, it's the whole thing like I have water damaged to my house. My insurance company sends a check that's made out to me, Nia, and then my mortgage company. And I have to, we have to sign the check over to them so they keep the money. And you know why that is? Because they fucked so many people so fucking hard in the ass. So many people are upside down in houses because of the bullshit that they created

by making people who aren't qualified for loans qualified. So instead of having five people bid on a house, you got 10 people bidding on it and it goes up like Super Bowl tickets, right? And all of a sudden a house that's really worth a buck 80 sells for 270. So you got these cunts. Everybody's fucking upside down on the house. They're like, well, fucking, I'm keeping this money. And then when they foreclose on it, they fucking come in and they're like, fuck, they never fixed the roof. So now I have to sign over, my God, their money. It's my money. It's my insurance. That's my insurance money. I have to send it into them. You know why? Because people, it's not my house. It's their fucking house. It's theirs. All right. And if I ever pay this

fucker off, which you know, I'm gonna, I drive off, I drive a six year old hybrid. All right. I don't give a fuck. I fucking, I dress like Malcolm Young because I'm getting these cunts out of my life. And this is what's going to happen. I'm going to pay off this fucking house. And you think when I die, I can, I can just give it to somebody else. It's my house, right? If I can fucking give away all my other shit, why can't I give the house? The house is going to have all taxes and all these penalties and all this bullshit and whoever I fucking leave it to is going to make, you know what? It's just going to be easy to sell it. And then they sell it and whatever money they make, they get the shit taxed out of them. They get half a dick in their

ass and then somebody else buys this thing and then the bank goes balls deep in them for another fucking 30 years. You know what? Halfway through that, I realized, am I sounding crazy or am I making sense? I don't know. I talked to a banker in a titty bar. He agreed with everything I said. All right. Special thanks this week to everybody I did at the Tampa, who came out to the Tampa improv, who came out to Florida State University in Tallahassee had never been there and came out to Miami, the Fillmore Jackie Gleason Theater. Had a great time in all cities. That was the end of the bus tour when it was just me and Versey. Jason Lawhead and his dad had gone home at that point. So it was just us on the bus. I got it. I have a fucking unbelievable video of being on the

bus and this fucking RV is just completely engulfed in flames. So that'll be a video that I'll be sending out to you guys this week if you want to check it out. Tallahassee, Florida, we played Florida State. We went over to their Bobby Bowden. We went over to the stadium. Did I tell you that last week? I can't remember. No, I wouldn't because that would have been on a Tuesday. Yeah. So we fucking, it was one of these great stadiums where they just leave it open and the students can go in there and run the stairs and just, you know, it's kind of how like it used to be. Stadiums, even pro stadiums used to be like that. I remember a long time ago, my family was on vacation down in Florida and we were in Tampa

and somehow we ended up the original Tampa Bay, Buccaneer stadiums like the John McKay one, right? And I just, I wanted to see it. So I got out of the car with my mother and we just walked right into the stadium and I stood on the corner of one of the end zones. It was just, it was wide open. I mean, what are you going to steal? It's grass chairs. It's just a big fucking circle with chairs. But now I guess because they got all this other crap in there with the luxury boxes, people think you're going to, I don't know, steal what a fucking recliner. I don't know, whatever. So Florida State University went there. I mean, Verzi actually, we ran up the stairs once, one time. And it was one of the great workouts I've

ever had just doing it once. Of course, me, I have fucking OCD is like, Oh, you know what? I do one for three days in a row. Then I do two and I fucking work my way up. It's just my brain just starts fucking going. But great crowds there, great crowds in Tampa, smoke some amazing fucking cigars in Tampa. And then we went down to the Fillmore. Miami in South Beach, in South Beach is so fucking beautiful with they have all the, like I'm a big fan of Art Deco. And they have all these Art Deco style hotels and the theater itself was that Art Deco style. The crowd was amazing. I'm not gonna lie to you, that tour I just went through, through the South, I was on my fucking game. I had some of the best shows I've ever had.

And I think it was because it took me so long to sell tickets down in the South, like, like the first place I sold tickets, obviously, was East Coast. That's where I'm from. You know, my HBO special came out and then I got on the opiate Anthony show at the same time, because Norton was doing Lucky Louis. So those two things kind of hit at the same time. And once they hit, I kind of was able to sell tickets from Boston down to like DC, which is a big ONA market and then maybe to about Cleveland. But I didn't have Pittsburgh though. And then I think I had like San Francisco, that's what I had. And then gradually I got the middle of the country. And the last one to fall was the South, I just couldn't get in down there

from fucking Nashville all the way down, even like Miami, Miami, Miami used to do the improv. They're like, Yeah, you know, white comics don't sell well down here. It's a really big Latino community. And and they weren't lying. I showed up. There was nobody there. So I think I was fucking excited and felt like I had something to prove. I don't know what, but it was kind of like the first show went well. And it's like you hit your first jump shot, you know, and then it just it just was fucking amazing, man, just amazing. So I really want to thank everybody who came out to all those shows. One one thing that did bump me out though, was, you know, I'm a huge Jackie Gleason fan. I used to watch his obviously watched all the honeymooners episode, and then I used to

watch his, his variety show, which I also loved, you know, Joe the bartender. What was it crazy, crazy? I can't remember it's been so long. I forget. That's when I say Lou Holt sounds like, Hey, Joe, hey, you meet the Danny he that guy, remember that? He sounds just like Lou Holt's, say your prayers, listen to your coaches. Excuse me. Oh, fuck me. God damn it. I swear to fucking Christ. Are you guys like me? I spill a fucking glass of water every goddamn day went right on my rolling stone, which I have a subscription to fucking Louis CK's on the cover. You know, this is one I'm

obviously going to say knock it off fucking wet. And I got to go down to the new stand and buy another one. But you know what, that'll be good for him because they'll think, Oh, well, everybody's buying it because he's on the cover. They won't realize it's a bunch of morons spilling glasses of water on it. By the way, if you get a chance, fucking unreal article on Louis CK fucking killer article, killer article. So anyways, going back to the Jackie Gleason theater, so I performed there. And then I leave. And after I left, somebody goes like, Yeah, how amazing is that theater? You know, I was insane. Yeah, Jackie Gleason performed there and blah, blah, blah. Like, I know, I know. And they go, did you see his dressing room? And I was like, what?

They go, yeah, upstairs. They have his dressing room. They've kept it pretty much like the way he had it after he was finally here. I mean, it's amazing. It's like walking back in time. And I was like, what the fuck? Why didn't you tell me? How do I know I'll ever be back there again? That was the only bad part. But then it was quickly made up because Verzi at the end of the show is he met this chef out of New Hampshire, Tim Andriola. And he had this, he was like a, I guess he has three restaurants down there. Celebrity chef, long story short, he invites us out, keeps the restaurant open. And we basically, to use Verzi's expression, we dined like gods. It was insane. Now forgive me, Tim, because I don't fucking remember the name of the restaurant.

And so you don't think I'm being disrespectful. I don't remember the names of any restaurants. All right? Like I have, I just have nicknames for all the ones that we go to out here. One of them is called Pancake Circus. That's because I walked in there the first time I saw it. It had this giant like manhole sized pancake with a bunch of fucking whipped cream on it. And all I could think of was like, that looks like clown food. So I don't know, I'm on moron. But I think it's Timo. But this is the thing. The first thing we go there, the first thing they bring out is crab legs. I fucking hate crab legs. I've never been into them. It's so much goddamn work to get a mouthful of fucking meat. And then it just tastes like the

goddamn ocean. All right? I have been converted. These fucking crab legs, not only were the best crab legs I ever ate, they were some of, it was some of the best food I've ever had. Even the melted butter tasted better than anybody else's melted butter. I was sitting there. I look like a fucking, I look like a toddler eating birthday cake, seven cake all over my face. It was just fucking crab legs and butter. I am us to eight, like fucking three or four of those legs. Then he brought over pizzas. Who does pizza? Well, in fucking outside of New York and the fucking east coast, this guy, Tim Andriola, fucking pizzas, unbelievable, unbelievable. And then we had, is it ceviche? Is that how you fucking chat? Yeah, I don't know how to fucking say it.

Unfucking believable food in the restaurant. It's spelled T-I-M-O. I know I'm saying it wrong because there's a little fancy accent thing over the oh, I don't know how to say it, but it's right on the beach. All right. If you ever go down to South Beach and you bring your fucking lady, then I can't say it. T-I-M-O with the fucking, it's not the Motley crew, two dots. It's one of those little accent things. So thank you to Tim, his whole staff. Everybody was, was insane. And we came over there. It was like, it was like eight of us. And you know, I swear to God, they would have still been bringing out food if we didn't, if we didn't leave. It was one of the greatest I've ever been

treated on the road and, you know, I don't know, it was fucking insane. So what else? What else am I going to talk about? I don't have any smooth transition from that to the next thing here. I've been watching a bunch of shit on Netflix. I'm big on the, I like documentaries, you know, and I watched one and a half last night before I fell asleep. I watched this thing called the Queen of Versailles, which you have to, you have to see. And it's basically about this guy, 75 years old, 75 years old. He married Miss Florida in 1993. So he's fucking ball and has seven kids with her. Right. And he's got this, he sells time shares, you know, which, you know, is really a shady fucking business. You know, hey,

I mean, I don't, I don't know, what is a fucking time share? It's, it's, it's a fucking overpriced hotel room, isn't it? I mean, I don't know, what am I buying? If I spend all that money, I don't want to be laying in a bed that somebody else has been fucking in. I want a brand new bed. Okay. That's, that's deal number one. Because other than that, I can go lay in a bed that everybody else fucked in all year long. It's called the hotel. Right. But this guy had basically had, was the biggest time share company in the world, according to him. And, and he was in the middle of building the biggest house in America and it had 10 kitchens. There's fucking nine people in their family. They have one more

kitchen than they have people in their family. All right. You have to watch just to see them. I mean, it's not finished yet because in 2008 they got caught up in all the banker shit. And, but you just have to see when his wife walks in with her friend. And when they walk up these stairs, I'm telling you, these fucking stairs are wider than the stairs at Grand Central Station in New York City. They go upstairs and the fucking friend of the Miss, Miss 1993 Florida goes is like, you know, because they haven't like put the walls up. It's just the framing of it. She goes, Oh my God. She goes, Is that your bedroom? And she goes, No, it's my closet. It's but if you really want to see, okay, now a lot of people will watch the Queen of Versailles

and go, look at these two selfish fucking people and all the waste and all that apps of fucking Luffy Lutely, that's on the fucking surface. But underneath all of it, you see a guy who doesn't want to declare bankruptcy and put that money on the American people and wants to fight his way out of it. And the bankers won't do it. Like he had a building out in fucking Vegas. He put 350 million of his own fucking money in and now we can't make the payments. So he wants the bankers to try and, you know, give him some of the bailout money and they kept all of it because this is the thing. If he fucking, if they get him to default on that, they get to keep his 350 million and sell the fucking building all over again.

You know, and obviously this guy, he got overextended. He made the mistake of not realizing, you know, what bankers are and what it is that they do. They're not your friends. They're not trying to help you grow your fucking business. They're trying to make every fucking dime off you as they can. And when it's over, you bust the joint out. I just started thinking about the fucking good fellas. Well, they start burning it down, but rather than burning the place down, they fucking did you, the, the raliota and fucking Joe Pessi are fucking tying those little candle things to you. Trying to bang this fucking juper out over here. You can't help me out. What's the world coming to? And then you burn to the ground.

That's it. But the building's still standing and then they get some other group to go in there and then they fuck them in the ass. I'm telling you, we should all as civilians, remember the ending of Scarface when they were coming over the wall? That's what we should be doing right now in gated communities, going to bankers, fucking houses. We should be dragging them, dragging them out by the tassels of their fucking wingtips. All right. Anyways, so I watched that phenomenal and it was sad. It was also sad because you saw a guy that was really into his business, but granted, I think also, you know, you have to find a through line when you're filming something, because I think they initially started the documentary. I think it was going to be look

how successful this guy is, and then that shit happened and then it turned into something else. So I heard he sued the makers of the documentary, but phenomenal and the music is incredible. All right. And then I watched another one about the serial killer Carl Pansram, the spirit of hatred and vengeance. You got to fucking see this. He writes a this guard befriends him and he writes a fucking book in jail. And I forget how off I fuck it. I had in my head how he said it. They have the voiceover actor going, my name is Carl Pansram. I have killed over 22 people and committed over a thousand acts of sodomy. That's how his book starts. I got to buy the fucking book.

Let me let me look this up. I'll read you a little bit about this guy in Wikipedia. For some reason, like, you know, a bunch of other people, Ted Bundy speaking of Florida State. Dude, you know Florida State where Ted Bundy killed those three sorority girls? They still use that house as a sorority house that just fucking blew me away. Fucking blew me away. Like how how in God's name. Now I'm not into ghosts. I don't believe in that shit. But I do draw a line. I don't think that I could sleep in that fucking house knowing that all that shit like happened. All right, here we go. Let's just read Carl Pansram here.

It was an American serial killer, rapist, arsonist and burglar. Here we go. He's known for his confessions to his only friend, prison guard, Henry Lesser. Let's get this killing spree. What the fuck is it? He basically he used to have he had a boat and he would get sailors drunk and he would bring these guys back to the boat. He'd fucking sodomize them and then shoot them in the head and throw them overboard. One of the most evil fucking things that was basically that happened when he was a kid. He got fucking raped and then he was like, all right, well, I'm fucking raping everybody else.

I mean, the guy was just fucking. Yeah, let me look up some quotes. I don't want to creep you guys out. This is be turned into a creepy podcast, but I just never heard of this guy. Carl Pansram. What the fuck is it? All right, there's some website, the 11 most badass words ever uttered. I hate when I do this to you guys when I just start surfing the fucking net. All right. Hurry up, you Hoosier bastard. I could kill 10 men while you're fooling around.

I don't know. It kind of helps if you have the context. Oh, I was that when they went to kill them. Everyone hopes to leave a legacy to be remembered after our passing. Some people try to pull off immortality with the lifetime of achievement and noble acts, but why piss away all that energy when you can simply spot one badass quote before you take a dirt nap and live on through eternity? Known as a guy who needed a second casket for his balls. The last words of Carl Pansram.

When they were, he said, hurry up, you Hoosier bastard. I could kill 10 men while you're fooling around. Who's your summary from Indiana? Carl Pansram did make an interesting point about the myer of bureaucracy versus individual enterprise. If you guys are executing. Oh, but yeah, basically thought they were taking too long. Wow, this is great man. This is all people's last words.

Last words of chief sitting bull. I'm not going do with me what you like. I'm not going. Then exclamation point. Come on, come on, take action. Let's go. I guess that was back. You want to fucking do this?

Let's do this. That was that's how they said it in the 1800s. And he's also speaking a second language. That's how much balls he had. He still sounded tough in another language. Another guy before he got hanged. The last words of George Engel union activists and founder of the socialist labor party.

He's standing with the fucking rope around his neck. He said, hooray for anarchy. This is the happiest moment of my life. All right, I got to read them all now. Just when you thought you had a fucking pair. Here we go. Gills Corey last words of a farmer accused of being a witch while being crushed with stones.

He said more weight. James French convicted murderer. Putting to death in the electric chair. Oh, his name is James French. He goes, hey fellas, how about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? French fries. I'm sorry.

I'm enjoying this. I hope you are too. Last words of the hipster hero. How do you say his name? Che Guevara and the one everybody has on the t-shirt. I don't know what he did. He was friends with fucking the bearded bastard down there. And then all of a sudden he went down.

He was going to play baseball. All those Cuban rebels at some point they were going to play baseball. They fucking love the game. I believe what's his face Castro pitched in the farm league of the Colt 45s. All right. This is what this was.

Che Guevara, his last words were, I know you're going to kill me. Shoot. You're only going to kill a man. Jesus. I hope that they don't have, if I'm going out like that, they better not have my last words

because I'm going to sound like the biggest pussy ever. Come on, don't do it. I'm sorry. You know, just thinking of what's his face. I can't remember anybody's fucking names. I got to get this one right. I got to get this name right or I can't do this. Ah, fucking, I just, I'm a moron.

But let's just go back to the podcast. I was thinking of the, who's the guy that plays McGroober? Will, there's too many wills. Well, Farrell will earn that. It's not that it's fucking, I'm the worst. How he would always do that thing when he would get into a jam and just be like, I will suck your dick.

I would have some awful fucking quote like that. I would. I don't want to die. Don't kill me. Please do not kill me. All right. Here we go. Some fucking, I got to look,

I'm going to look up his fucking name. Okay. Addicted to whores. Hey, Bill. Love the podcast. I could use a bit of advice. I'm a 30 year old man and have a bit of a problem. Over the past few years, I've become addicted to whores.

Not just typical bar sluts, but full blown professionals. Oh, Jesus. It's gotten so bad that I researched the girls that I see and the majority of my time consists of going through message boards and underground communities filled with other pervs like myself who review working girls. All right, dude, you're going down a dark fucking hole. I fortunately never went down.

I'm already in over my head here. But you know, whatever you wrote in, so I'm going to fucking try and answer it. Knowing full well that I am not a professional, sir. He says my problem is that I have become so addicted to this lifestyle that I cannot see myself having a traditional relationship with the woman. Yeah, absolutely.

Absolutely. You open Pandora's box, you know. Dude, you have a woman who will do whatever you want and you don't have to be emotionally there for her. You don't have to wipe your feet off. You can just, you know, talk to her wherever you want. Give her some money and then she leaves. You don't have to cuddle.

You have zero emotional responsibility. You know, that's like somebody rich who's been fucking flying around in their own jet. And then all of a sudden, you know, this shit goes down like in that Queen of Versailles and all of a sudden they have to get on a commercial flight and their kids are looking around going, why are all these people on a plane?

You're in the same place. Your dick is like a billionaire. You know, and if you get into a fucking relationship with that, this point, that's like the 2008 collapse. You know, that make any sense? All right, after experiencing this lifestyle for so long, I just cannot force myself to sit a bar trying to convince some chick

whose best years are behind her to give me a half-hearted BJ. I consider myself a decent looking guy. I think you consider yourself a lot more than that, sir. I think you stand in front of the mirror with your hands on your sides like Superman, not hands on your hips, hands on your hips. That's effeminate.

But if you stand there with your two fists like that, then all of a sudden you look like you should have a cape flapping behind you. I think you do that. You stand there and you're naked. You know, with like the same distance between your feet that a state trooper has when he comes up going, you know how fast you were going?

And then you look to the side with your dick flapping in the wing because of the oscillating fan. And then you'd every morning just go, I am the shit. That's how I think you feel about yourself. That I would just guess. Anyways, I think I'm a decent looking guy and I do get attention from the women. But I often find that they are not worth the effort

because I get bored so quickly. Yeah, I know. Actually having to converse rather than just being like, hey, how much for you to suck my dick? Oh yeah, I'll give you a half that. Come on, work with me. I'll meet you in the middle. I'll give you an extra five because it's cold out.

All right, get in the car. My problem is that I get bored with women immediately after I sleep with them. I do not fear diseases as I always use condoms. Dude, that's not a hundred percent, by the way. I don't know why, but it is. I don't know how you can have a raincoat on your dick and still get herpes.

I think because your balls are fucking hanging out of the back of the chopper, you know? And safety, I always use condoms and safety and safety wise. I love when you guys rewrite your fucking emails and then you delete half a sentence and then you fucking don't notice and then you put it in here and you make me look even dumber than I am.

Anyways, I guess he uses condoms. He said it would be just as dangerous sleeping with a random bar slut who doesn't force their partners to use condoms. No, it wouldn't, sir. No, it wouldn't because it's a numbers thing. All right, some bar slut who doesn't use condoms versus some woman who fucks professionally.

Okay, that's like you throwing the football around in the backyard saying you're just like Tom Brady. Okay, it's not the same thing, but I know you're saying that to make yourself feel better. He said, I fear never being able to have a normal relationship with a woman down the road. I feel like my internal wiring got crossed somewhere and I need a wide variety of women to keep me sane.

I really want to fuck every woman I see, but unfortunately I cannot swing a golf club, so I got to pay for it. Anyway, out of this, love the podcast. Yeah, you need to go to therapy. I got to tell you though, once you, I don't know, you need to go seek professional help, sir. I would say that because you've gone down a road for so long

and you keep coming around the track the same way, you've worn this grooving and it's very hard to get out of and you have to sit down and want to do the work and you have to work with professional. And figure out if you have a sex addiction or whatever. Dr. Drew, you know, if you can't afford it, I would call Dr. Drew, but even then, he's only going to talk to you for a minute.

Have him guide you in the right direction though, because that guy is, he kind of, he gets right to it. I've done his show a couple of times, he's fucking unreal. So that would be my suggestion. I would say, first and foremost, stop fucking prostitutes because you are going to catch something. And not only that, everyone that you bang or have blow you or whatever, it's just another step

further down a direction you don't want to go. And then also, it's a terrible thing to do, you know, to solicit a prostitute. You're basically, you know, something horrible happened to her and then you take advantage of it. It's fucking horrific. So there you go. I hope I helped you.

I know I gave you a lot of shit throughout that, but I hope I helped you out because that is a serious problem. Okay. New house. Dearest Billy boy, keeping it short and sweet due to your undying hatred for reading out loud. I actually don't mind it. I just, I hate sounding stupid. My fiance and I are moving into our first house on Friday.

Any last minute advice? Yes. Well, it's too late. You already bought a fucking house. My first thing would be drive less of a car, wear less clothes, everything less and start knocking out the principal. All right. You got to start knocking that fucking thing down.

And when they then once you knock it down to a certain point, then they're going to come at you and be like, Hey, do you want to refinance? You want to refinance? Look, your mortgage payment will go from 1500 down to 1200. That'll save you 300 bucks a month. That's all the fucking scam. Okay.

Do you really think that somebody who works at the bank and he's sitting there going, how can this bank make less money? Oh, I know what. I mean, how long would that guy work there before you get fired? It's a scam because what happens is if you're like four, five years into your mortgage, they're going to refinance it and your payment doesn't go down 300 bucks and you're still five years in. It starts back at zero.

All right. Now you have that payment for 30 years and you're starting all fucking over again. So the 300 bucks that you're saving each month, they're making more in the fucking interest in the long run because they sent you back to square one. It's all the fucking scam. I'm telling you, go to the gated communities and go over the fucking wall. Don't really do that.

All right. I don't want to be held responsible for that. These are all jokes. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. All right. Any other advice? Yeah. Don't let your fucking lady, let, let your woman have the fucking dining room.

Let her have the fucking, uh, living room. All right. But you, you have to stake your fucking claim in there. Don't let her turn it into a fucking dollhouse. The same way she wouldn't want to be living in some fucking, you know, house that looks like a sports bar, you know, and you got some fucking deer head. And a keg on tap and all that shit. You know what I mean?

But I just like, I would say stake your fucking claim in the house and just say, listen, I want this house to be a representative representation of both of us. All right. And, uh, if it goes too far one way or the other, I don't think the other person's going to be happy. And just say, listen, I don't care what you do with this. I don't care what you do with this room. Just pick yourself a room or two. Just pick yourself a room or two.

Cause this sort of unwritten rule is that the guy gets one room and it's the darkest caviest fucking place. It's the basement. It's the fucking garage and it's bullshit. It's bullshit. Okay. So that's what I would say. Make sure that when people walk in, they can immediately see that you live there too.

That something with a set of balls is actually in that fucking house. All right. And that's it. Good luck with your marriage. Then your new house. Congratulations. Pay down the fucking principal, sir. Get the shackles off you.

All right. Crazy ass mom. Oh, there bill. What's up? My name is Hector. I'm from, I'm a full-time college student. My life is fairly well. I get good grades and shit.

Big family one of seven by refinance with some new pudding. Started back to square one. When was I, when I was little, she was basically trying to steal me from my father and taking all of his money in the process. Hell hath no fury, sir. Also, she used to beat me like a redheaded stepchild. I find that offensive. All right.

You want my advice, don't insult me. All right. Hector. You know what? I almost got childish and made some joke about your chain steering wheel because your name is Hector. But then I realized that that would insult other Mexicans. And I'm not like you, sir.

I'm going to take the high road here and just say that I wish you would chosen your words a little more carefully. All right. And tell me, okay, beat me like a redheaded stepchild. And tell me my dad did not love me, so I would stop asking for him. Wow. Yeah. That's something that parents do during divorce on both sides.

They use the kids. I'm so glad that never happened to me. And I got fucked up in other ways. This fucker left my father with so little money that he had no money to pay the light bill and other shit. My mom's stupid ass brother held a gun up to my father's head and said he would blow his head off because he got my mom pregnant with me. My mother's dad was also an ultra cunt.

Yeah. So he was familiar with cunts and he went out and married it. Hopefully he fucking corrected the problem. Jesus, you give me the whole family tree here, sir. Since then, she had gotten remarried and then divorced a fucking again, he says. The problem is after all that shit, I can't stand to even look at my mom. How do I tell her to basically fuck off? This fucking podcast is the fucking shit.

Don't stop your redheaded maniac. All right, daddy made it up with something positive towards redheads. Thanks for your important. No, yeah, go fuck yourself. Look, this is very touchy because, you know, as much as you consider your biological mother, your mother, this is your mother. So I don't know how that works because I've never been in this situation. So I wouldn't tell you your first mother to fuck off.

What I would do is I would have. She is your mom. So I would, I would have a just a very controlled relationship with her. Like I would meet her at restaurants. I'd meet her in public and have lunch with her and be okay. I got to get off my week and that way, you know, that way. So when she dies someday, you don't have this regret that I, you know,

I hated my own mother. What does it mean? And then I would just do happy mom shit with your nonbiological mother. You know, just smile and wave, go through the motions with her. But I don't know. I'd say maybe therapy. Call your, call your mama cunt in therapy rather than to her face because it's, it's not going to get you anywhere.

And as you get older and she gets older, it's just, it's not going to be a good fucking thing. But I totally have empathy for the situation that you're in. I would just treat my biological mother as my real mother. And I would have a respectful relationship with my, my original mother. And when she started talking crazy and everything, just be like, listen, you know, you said that stuff to me when I was a kid. It caused a lot of damage to me.

And I don't want to hear you trash my dad anymore. I respect how you feel about him, but I don't want to hear about it because you have to understand that that's my father. All right. And if she has a problem with that, you just go check, please. And there you go. She wants to make a scene and throw some bread around. Then, then you got to be like, listen, you know, I can't, I can't hang out with you.

You're crazy. Trashing my dad, you're throwing appetizers around the room. Okay. I will have dinner with you again when you can show to me that you can act like an adult and you just lay the ground rules. This is how it's going to be. We are meeting at restaurants and you're going to behave like an adult and you are not going to trash my father.

Okay. We're going to sit here. We're going to talk about the weather and what's going on in our lives right now. We're not talking about the past anymore. That's, that's what I need from you. If you can't give me that, then I'm not going to the Olive Garden. There you go, sir. I hope that works for you.

All right, relationship advice. I'm pregnant. Oh, okay. Hey, Mr. Bill. I'm a 21 year old pregnant girl who lives in Shittown, Illinois. I moved here a little over a year ago to be with my boyfriend who I met on match.com. This is your prince. You meet him on match.com.

Match.com led you to Shittown, Illinois. There's a fucking one for everybody. Do not go on match.com. Those stupid commercials. They show everybody happy. Everybody playing frisbee. Women jumping into guys arms. Now you see some 20 year old girl got knocked up by some cunt in fucking Shittown, Illinois.

I don't think so. Hey, sweetheart, you know what? You're already a great person because you let us know what happens at match.com. Everything was great at first. Then I realized how much I fucking hate this place. This town is such a cunt and that includes the people in it. I've been telling him that and I'm unhappy for at least six months, but he doesn't seem to care. Oh, so you don't really have a problem with him.

You know, great. Now I have a slander case with fucking match.com. He said, now I'm pregnant with his child and have the opportunity to move to Arizona to be with my parents. I told him that I'm going to go, but he said that he would absolutely would not follow me there. He said he loves this place because it has a lot of outdoor activities and he loves his job. This is not his hometown. He makes $9 an hour being a bicycle mechanic.

I told him there are bike shops all around the country and he can find another fucking job, especially since he is former military. He doesn't care. He's a stubborn ass. What the fuck do I do? This place has turned me into a depressed bitch and I hate myself for it. And I don't want to bring the baby into that kind of a world. Hopefully you can shed some wisdom on this for me.

I don't know. This is a rough one. So you're basically going to move to where you want to live and then he's going to become you. That's what I'm worried about. Do you have some sort of job opportunities in Arizona? Because along with having bike shops all around the country, they also have outdoors. You can go outdoors anywhere in the country. That's one of the greatest things about the United States.

In Russia, they can't go outdoors wherever they go. You get sent to Siberian shit. You are fucking indoors. Getting fucking raped in the ass. And all you can feel is somebody's mittens on your hips. Oh, that's one of the fucking most evil jokes I've ever made. All right. What am I talking about?

What do you do? Sweetheart, I don't know. If the guy is fucking that level of stubborn, I honestly, you know what? I you stump me. I know you're fucking punching your fucking iPod right now. Whatever you listen to the song, what are you? Well, what would I do if I was a pregnant lady?

Well, here's the question. How do you feel about this guy? Do you love this guy? Is this the guy you're going to marry? Um, if that's the deal, then I don't know. You got to try and work something out because you guys are together and you got to do, you got to try and do what's best for the kid. But if this guy isn't the guy, then I don't know what to tell you there either.

Here's some great advice. Don't get fucking pregnant by your boyfriend at 21. I mean, I don't want to tell you here. You really, you know what? You really painted yourself into a corner. I think what you have to do is you have to, you got to man up and make a decision here. You have to make a decision.

What's best for your baby? Cause now you're in this situation. I know a baby needs a mom and a dad, but if you guys don't really love each other, whether you live in Arizona or you live in Illinois, it's eventually going to fucking blow up. So I would just, at this point, you're having a baby. So your needs are out the window.

It's got to be about the kid, which you did mention in there. So I guess it took me a second to try to figure this one out. I guess if I was in your situation, I would do what was best for the baby. So whatever that answer is, I would go with that. All right. But I don't think that that's just a one-sided talk.

Like you really have to sit down with your boyfriend there and try and together figure out what's best for the kid. And then I would do that. All righty. I hope that helped you out. All right. This is a long podcast today. Is this the last?

This is the last one. All right. Hang in there, everybody. Advice for a big presentation. I, Bill, I saw you special on Netflix and I laughed my face off a few days later. I started a new job at the sort of place where my coworkers don't really speak to each other

during work hours. You can hear the wiring. You can hear the whirring of the fan overhead and desk drawers being open and shut. Jesus Christ. So thank Christ for your podcast. What a relief. Thank you for making my day.

All right. I'm presenting at Ted at a Ted X event. Is that like Ted.com where all those eggheads talk about robots and scuba diving in like a wheelchair? And I'm wondering what sort of tips you might have for speaking to large crowds? Try to make them laugh off the top or save it until I'm further into the speech or what?

You poke fun about bringing a joke full circle at the end of the set. Is that lame? I do this where whenever I write something, I can't read it once it's published because it all sounds so cheesy to me. Oh, if you write it down, because you're in your head. Okay, I see what you mean.

He says, like I end up hating what I just put out there. I just want to cringe every time I think about my speech. You know, what do you think? I think you have the classic mentality of the performer. You want to be in front of everybody. You have self-hatred and you want the crowd to clap and be like, no, but seriously, you're a good guy. I would say this.

Just talk to him like you're talking to your buddies in a bar. That's what I would do. If you don't like what you wrote down, what I would do is I would have talking points in front of me. Like I'm starting with this point and then talk off the top of your head. If you're good at this, by the way, all right. Now, if this is one of your first times doing this,

you're going to be a little nervous. It might be good to have something a little more prepared. But if you're good at talking in front of people, I would just have bullet points. Like I'm going to talk about how I ended up in a wheelchair. I'm going to talk about how I used to love the ocean. And then I'm going to talk about having all of that taken away from me. And then I'm going to talk about the apparatus.

And then I'm in the ocean. Then I'm going to show them the pictures and then I get all teared up. And then I'm going to wheel myself off with one hand while waving. But then I'll be in a circle. And then realize that I'm doing a circular waving thing in my chair. And then I'll just sort of back up off the stage. You know, that's just one example.

But I think, you know what? The good thing is your competition isn't that stiff. There's going to be a bunch of monotone jackasses just sitting there going back in 1970, the first fuel injecting engine. You're going to have to go on after that. So it might not be that difficult. So that's basically what I would do. All right, people.

That's the podcast this week. Thank you for listening. Please, all of you, if you're going to buy something on amazon.com, if you'd like to donate to this podcast and the Wounded Warriors project, please, for the love of God, go to billbird.com, click on the podcast page, and then click on the Amazon link. It'll take you right to Amazon.

Nothing's going to cost you any more money. It's just Amazon kicks me a little bit of money for sending traffic their way. And then I take 10% of that and I throw it to the Wounded Warriors project. And also, if you'd like to download my special, you people are all the same. You can do it digitally, $5, or you can buy the hard copy version. That has some extras on it, some tours of cities.

Both of those are available on the merch page. That is it. Go fuck yourselves. Have a wonderful week, and I'll talk to you next Monday. Okay, buh-bye. you