Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-22-19

Episode Date: April 22, 2019

Bill rambles about militant vegans, God Bless America, and adult circumcisions.

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Trust your Instinct, follow your license. Information and information at bmw.be Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, April 22nd, 2019. What's going on? How are you? Right now you're probably wondering what is with his tone? He sounds happy. And you know what? You're like, oh what? Did the Bruins win yesterday? What happened?

I don't know. Alright, because right now, I'm watching. Live, I'm watching the Bruins, Toronto. With 1445 to go in the second period. Here come the Bruins, streaking up the right side. Oh, sorry, I can't yell. My daughter's taking a nap. I don't know what happened with this game. It was just like Toronto came out like fucking gangbusters.

And I was like, well, this is finally their year. You know, they're just a better goddamn team. But you know what? The Bruins came back with a goal by Brad Marchand. Oh no, who scored the first one? Tori Krug got the first one. And then Marchand got the one right off the faceoff. You have to burry one, to burry one, one yet another faceoff.

So right now it's two to one. Obviously, the next goal is huge. I feel like whoever scores next is going to win this fucking game. That's what I think. That's my big, bold prediction. So I got the game on in the background. This is like a fucking NBA game where it's like it's a game of runs. It's like all of a sudden now fucking Toronto can't get the puck. I'll talk, you know, I'll never understand this game of hockey, you know.

Anyways, I want to thank everybody that came out to the Effors for Family panel that we did on SAI. It was really cool, man. I felt like the crowd was really... Something happened after season three, where I think we finally pushed through to not being underground as much where people are finally actually watching the show. And yeah, I felt really proud of sitting up there with Mike Price,

Vince Vaughn and Peter Billingsley. The fucking Mount Rushmore of the show. No kidding. It takes a city. But we had a bunch of voiceover actors showed up. Trevor DeVall was there. Phil Hendry, Debbie Dairyberry was there. Imagine there was a couple others that of course I'm going to forget. I think Mo Collins was there.

Maybe Kevin Michael Richardson. Anyhow, it was a great time. And people said a bunch of nice things. And what I was loving, as much as they were saying, oh my God, the third season is your best season. I actually think season four is going to be even better. And I'm thinking sometime around season 11 or 12, I think we might get nominated for something.

What are you going to do? So anyway, I am sitting here on pins and needles, hoping my Boston Bruins are going to push a force of game seven. And if they don't, I'm rooting for the Leafs. And I've come to this new place as a sports fan. Where I just realized all those years I spent hating teams and hating great players and then they go and they retire. And I'm like, wait a minute, I'm going to miss this guy.

This guy was great. I know you're rude against him because they're on the other team. But I don't know, it feels a lot better if you lose to a team to be, hey, you know what, good, good feel, good luck to you, you know. And what the fuck is Boston supposed to win everything every year? I mean, how long can this run last? No, I'm just, I'm going to go into that mode. This is all me getting rid of my ridiculous fucking anger.

I'll still have it. I'll still have it for my comedy act. God knows I went up last night and, oh, Jesus, I went up down the improv here on Melrose and I went up at the Laugh Factory down on Long Beach and, whew, oh, stinkeroo, the new jokes just not, just not working. I'm kind of coming out with this really fucking stupid one that I just ran by a bunch of jaded guys and they all told me it was funny. And then, like, you know, women and, like, anybody who's, like,

remotely happy as a man, they're just all staring at me like, come on, Bill, don't you think you're a little bit better than that? All right, well, you know, you saw that documentary, Free Solo. That's what this podcast is like right now, because I don't have any advertising or any fucking emails because my stupid emails aren't loading. And then I went on the internet and God bless this guy in a second language, he was trying to tell me how to do it.

He was like, oh, God, you're funny, I can't keep on doing it. And I couldn't understand what the fuck he was saying. And then he was on his phone and I slowed it down and enlarged the thing so I could see what the hell the guy was talking about. And I don't know, every fucking time I Google shit, every time I Google stuff, like, whatever they're saying, it's like, okay, click on the Apple, go to System Preferences, and then click on fucking, I don't know, software update or whatever they say,

and that shit, it's just bam, bam, bam. And mine is always like bam, bam, go fuck yourself. It's like I don't have that. I mean, I don't know what I need. I got to have like automatic updates because I feel like everybody's always like two episodes ahead of me. Whatever the hell it is you're supposed to say. So I don't have any fucking emails.

I asked Andrew to send him via text. He responded with sure, you know, sure is a very funny word. You know, it's one of those words that's like positive and it's also very passive-aggressive. Would you mind doing that? Sure, or sure, a lot of ways, a lot of ways to read that. The lovely Nia's in the background, haven't been on the podcast in a while.

Are you going to come on? Oh, in a little bit. Oh, yeah, you get over here, you graces, get it out of there. Here come the Bruins, down the ice, a possible two-on-one and we fuck it up. Score! How the fuck did he score on that? Sorry.

All of a sudden we slow down. Oh, my God, can I just turn on the TV and listen to the fucking silence? What happened? I don't know who anybody is anymore. I got a kid. The whole thing fell apart and he just stopped. I think he just flat-out beat him.

Did he tip that in? Oh, my God! Crazy, softest hands in the NHL, over to the Braz. He tipped it in and they scored! Three-to-one, absolute deafening silence. Up in Toronto, we didn't win this game, it doesn't mean shit because you have to understand as a Leaf fan, okay, provided you didn't win today.

All right, you know that even if you guys beat us, your team is gonna torture you. It's not gonna be easy. It was like the other day when you had us fucking beat and then you let up that late goal, so you still had to be like, fuck, all the games are running together for me. I don't know, I just know you totally dominated us

in our own building in Game 5 and I was just like, well, maybe this is finally the year. And the first 10 minutes of this game, I was just like, they're just the better team. I feel like we're going five against six out there. Fucking Bruins. I love this team, I swear to God. I know the Celtics won four games in a row,

which is fucking awesome. I gotta get on that bandwagon, I just haven't. I just don't have the time, but I really am a hockey fan over basketball. I just am. Oh, Jesus, and I stick to the fucking taint. That'll be a penalty, right? That'll be a penalty.

Oh, Jesus, that's dangerous. Oh, you hate to see that. Good, he got his knees out of the way. Anyway, plowing ahead here. So I'm getting ready to leave to go over to Iceland, middle part of this week. And, hey, Nia, I want to talk to you about my packing. Huh?

She's already given me shit. She doesn't get it, man. She's going to Iceland, but I'm starting in Iceland. She's going to leave after that, and then I'm going on this. I don't even know where this fucking tour takes me. I know I end up in Israel, you know? Oh, do I get some open and jokes over there for them? All right, wait a second.

Let's see, billburr.com. Fucking funny is that I don't even know where I'm going. Shows. I'm going to Copenhagen. Oh, I always had... Every time I take a Copenhagen, I think of that cunt-y fucking taxi driver I had. All right, this is what I got. I'm in Reykjavik, Iceland, on the 29th.

I'm in Copenhagen on the 30th. Both of those shows are sold out. The second show in Copenhagen is sold out. Then I'm in Stockholm, Sweden. Fuck, I haven't been there in forever. Triumphant return, May 1st. And that's sold out. Then I have two shows in Helsinki on May 2nd.

The first show is sold out. The second one is not Oslo, Norway. The Spectrum. Tickets still available. Then I'm in Amsterdam, Netherlands. That's sold out. Then I have a day off, and I'm so fucking tempted to go to Spain and go to that MotoGP race. I just... I'm just not going to have...

The old me would have done that. Then I'll go here for five minutes, and then I'll go there for five minutes, or I could spend two days in Israel. You know? Oh, my God. Do you know what the name of the place I'm playing in fucking Israel is?

Nia! You know what the name of the place I'm playing in Israel is? How great is this? I'm playing the Shlomo Group Arena. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Not to be confused with the OEV Funny Bone. What's the matter? Isn't that, like, from his name?

Shlomo? Yes. Yes, what do I mean? That's what I'm saying. Oh, okay. Why did you get all like that was, like, some anti-Semitic shit? Because I, you know... I thought you were making fun of the name.

I'm like, isn't it a Hebrew name? Yeah, I said it's great. Oh, okay. What do I want to play? A cousin Vinny's fucking arena in Israel? Shlomo. Jesus. Way to take a fun traveling moment

and turn it into a hashtag on Twitter. He sounded excited, but was he really anti-Semitic? When we return, another white person in their 20s tries to destroy somebody else on fucking social media. I've been having so much fun fucking trashing all those cunts. Fucking young people out there, just trying to ruin people's lives for their goddamn cause. They're fucking lunatics.

Fucking lunatics. And, like, as I've said, somebody takes their dick out at work. Obviously, you got to say something. But this fucking tiki-tak shit, and you're going to sit there, you know, and try to twist it around, like, shit around like your fucking Fox News or CNN. It makes somebody look like an asshole just because you don't like that political opinion.

It's fucking beyond me. Um... Anyways, I'll be at the Shlomo Group Arena. That is fucking awesome. Um... I should double up and go do one in Palestine. You know? A little surf and turf over there.

Get both sides of the story, if you will. Um... Oh, fuck, he's walking it in. Jesus! Claire in the zone. Will this be icing? Don't ask Dougie Hamilton. He don't know.

Poor bastard. I like Dougie Hamilton, by the way. I don't know why I said that, but he fucking... I don't know what happened. It was the other night. I was watching the Caps game. It didn't matter, because I got the shit kicked out of him. But he, like, pointed like he called icing,

and the ref didn't. No betchkin came in and took the puck, passed it to his buddy there right there, Fred, Bing-Bang-Boom. Um... By the way, I didn't know Calgary had the best record in the East. I mean, the West, that would have been exciting,

but then they fucking shit the bed just like Tampa. Pittsburgh is out. I mean, it is fucking wide open here. I gotta tell you right now, if these Washington Capitals can get by the Hurricanes, Carolina, they got a really good shot. They got as good a shot as anybody

to go out there and win the cup, and that would be a repeat for the first time since the fucking Detroit Red Wings. Is that right? First time since 97, 98? I think that'd be the... Or did the Penguins do it? Maybe the Penguins did it.

I think they did it a few years ago. Um, this will be the all-ha... Oh, Tuka, just snirged it out of the fucking air. Um, Nia, come on on the podcast and talk about your packing versus my packing. Nia, at what point did you stop giving a fuck about the podcast? Or is it me?

You used to always be like, I love going on the podcast, and all of a sudden we have a kid and you get other priorities. Since when does our kid come before the podcast? Nia, I'm asking you. I love this commercial with this guy. He's in like a racing suit,

like a fire retardant suit, and he's sitting there going, I love my job, and he's all excited because he's driving a fucking Honda Civic. Really? Does that get your fucking balls in an uproar there? The guy's dressed like a race car driver

and he's excited to drive a fucking sophomore and call it chick car if he got money. Right? Okay, and then after... After Israel, the next show I have is the Wilbur Theatre in Boston, Massachusetts, for the Travis Roy Foundation.

And then after that, I'm doing September 6th, the Cosmopolitan Hotel in Las Vegas. And I have to tell you people, over the summer, I will be putting my act together in local comedy clubs, and I'll try to be giving you the heads up

as I do that over the summer here. In Los Angeles. All right. Hey, let's read something that I actually just found in an email that I could actually read. Oh, that ain't it. That's Notes for Season 5, if we get it.

That's how far ahead I am. Notes on Season 5 for Epis for Family. This guy from Australia sent me an email. And let's see what we got here. Oh, and I somehow fucking deleted... It's so fucking annoying, man. There it is.

This fucking guy sent me something. He said, G'day, Billy Rednuts. Love ya, podcast mate. You crack me up. I'm also an older gentleman who has a small child close to your daughter's age. So I'd love to hear how she's developing

as my lad is doing the same thing. It's great. I hope this is where you get your emails for the podcast. Anywho, probably hasn't made news over your way, but here in Australia, there's been considerable problems with militant vegans invading private farms.

They're really pissing people off. What has happened to the left, man? They're going fucking crazy. I kind of like it, you know? So they got militant vegans. Jesus Christ. How much has Australia changed? You know, they used to have a crazy guy

wrestling alligators down there, and now all of a sudden, they got people fucking going nuts about kumquats. Anyways, they're really pissing people off. A friend came to me the other day and said, How do you know if someone's a vegan? I said, I don't know.

He said, don't worry, they'll fucking tell you. Ha ha, it cracked me up. Keep it up, mate. You should head down to Adelaide, South Australia sometime. Get stuffed, you mug. The fuck just get stuffed me. Can only imagine that some sort of fucking

take a dick in your ass. I gotta tell you right now, I'm watching this fucking game and what the fucking Bruins are doing right now. If these Maple Leafs of Toronto don't wake up, this fucking game, it's over with six minutes left in the second period. I said it before, the next goal's gonna win.

Although, the way hockey is. I'll say the next goal. We go up four to one. I will be feeling good, but if... Austin Matthews gets another one here. How fucking great is that guy? They already showed him in the beginning of the game. They showed him skating in slow motion,

like when they had the Maple Leafs emblem on the ice. And that 34 jersey is already ironic. Iconic. I'm looking at that thing like, this guy's gonna be a Hall of Famer. I mean, that's not too hard to guess, you know? Consider he scored four goals in his first fucking game. Bruins just down the Maple Leafs end

the entire second period. At least the part that I've been looking at. Alright, so Militant Vegans, Nia. Militant Vegans are going fucking nuts over there in Australia. It gets them marching on to farms. Here's the thing about Militant Vegans. Alright, you might think they're assholes,

but I gotta be honest with you, they're right. The way we treat animals, I'm all for killing them and eating them. But this shit, like, you ever see what they do to chickens and stuff? They shoot steroids into their fucking chicken breasts, and they can't even walk. They're tipping over.

They clip off the front of their beaks. The shit that we do to animals is fucking horrible. And I gotta be honest with you, this whole fucking thing is we do it, you know, so human beings don't suffer, you know. I don't know about that. I think at this point, they're just doing it for money. I think enough animals have suffered.

So I actually agree with these Militant Vegans as far as, like, how they view what we do to animals. But I stopped short of just marching on to somebody's property and scaring the shit out of families and stuff. But the problem, though, is when you do shit like that, is everybody just says you're an asshole. But no one was listening to them before,

so what are they supposed to do? I'm calling this right now. Militant Vegans are gonna invade a farm, and their love of animals will make them approach an animal they should not approach, and somebody's gonna get hurt on the vegan side. That's my prediction. Nia, what do you say about that?

Yeah. That's it. Can you just come... I don't have any fucking emails. I don't have any advertising. Can you fucking pick up a microphone and help me out for a couple of minutes? Jesus Christ, you know what's funny about you?

The level that you stress when we go to the airport. I'm just packing. I'm getting myself together. Okay. Trying to be prepared. Okay. Is this gonna be the energy, or are you gonna come in and have a little fun?

Yeah. Well, in the middle of my thing, so I was kind of focused on that, but... I'm bringing a backpack and a little carry-on for this trip, and I'm just letting you know. I'm packing one shirt and one pair of pants for my entire tour, and then I'll have a fucking... Is this guy a bookie tracksuit for my flights?

And then I'll just have some walking around town clothes. And then a bunch of underwear and socks. That's how I'm doing it. Okay. That works for you? Wear your comedy instincts. You're supposed to go against it. Like you did last night.

We were like, we're gonna be going out to dinner. I was getting there, but you just jumped in before I had a chance to. I was gonna say, okay, well, what about, and then I was gonna get into it. All right, Andrew, edit all of this out. All right, well, don't edit this shit. I don't give a fuck. What...

No, I was gonna say... Is it really gonna bother you if I wear the same shirt every night? Yeah. Like, you know, I think we're gonna be going out to dinner. This and that. You're not gonna switch it up at all? You know what it is, Nia? What?

When you're going country to country to country, which I will be doing after we have a little few days there in Iceland, it's like your stuff just becomes a burden. Yeah, no, I get it. So you just want to, like... You know, Jim Morrison wore the same fucking brown leather pants his entire tour. Look at that guy. Everybody still loved him.

Yeah, but he's not dead because of his pants. Are you comparing yourself to Jim Morrison? My traveling? Yes. Oh, Jesus. The way I travel. Wow. If it was good enough for Jim Morrison, it's good enough for me, right? Right, well...

I talked to Steven Adler, and I said, dude, you're going on a one-world tour. What do you do? He goes easy. He goes one pair of pants, two shirts. Yeah, sounds disgusting. Well, somebody's going to give you a shirt while you're out there, if you're a rock star, right? So you're just trusting, so that's what you're going for?

No, look, if you're a regular guy like me, from the audience at Copenhagen, that's what you're waiting for? No, this is how it works. I mean, they're pretty stylish, so maybe they can help you out, I don't know. First of all, any European gives me a shirt it's not going to fit, because they wear like child sizes over there.

Yeah. Slim. Yeah, there's this slim whitening over there. No, here's the deal, as far as a rock star, you're going to bang a chicken, and then they're going to give you stuff. That's how it works when you're a rock star. If you're just a regular guy like me,

if you bang somebody, you lose a shirt. That's how it worked when I was a single man, okay? I'm not saying now to you. I'm not saying I'm going to go to the Shlomo Arena there and try to hook up with somebody. I wish I was going to Tel Aviv. I bet you do. Well, I'm going to go there.

I'll get the lay of the land. I'll go to the Weepin Wall. Is that what they call it? I don't know. The crying... Weeping Wall sounds right. Is that right? Mm-hmm.

I don't know. I'm not into any of that stuff, so I'm going to like prospectfully stay away from those things. I'm going to go over there and see if they got a McDonald's. Perfect. Get myself a quarter pounder with cheese. No, I'm actually really looking forward to it, because, you know, historically speaking,

Jewish people are some of the funniest people on the planet. You know, if you go through show business, you remember that Adam Sandler song there? No. All three Stooges? Mm-hmm. The Hanukkah song? I know that song.

Yeah. What do you mean? I'm just saying. He named all these fucking funny people. He was naming all these people who were Jewish. Yeah. Yeah. That was funny.

I don't know why this is so hard. Nia, what happened to our chemistry? I don't know. Ha! All right. At the height of you loving me, what was that supposed to mean? Well, I know you never got to 10.

You're saying that I'm, like, dipped down? Yeah. No. Where are you at? Currently? Okay, I know you still love me, but where's the like, though? The like is what shifts in a marriage.

Oh, that's true. Yeah, on one to 10. I mean, it's, like, a pretty solid, like, seven. No, that's good. I'll take a seven and a half. Yeah, that's good. I've been pretty good about not yelling, right? I'm a good boy.

Can you pat me on the head? Oh, thank you. That's a good boy. You on the other hand, leaving the damn door open, why we got the fucking heat on? Nia, you got the door open. You're like, I'm going back out. And it was like...

And also, she was walking in and out of it, so I was kind of, like, letting her do that before I got all our stuff together to go out there. Yeah. Once again, I expressed something, and there's just... Oh, my God. Can you imagine taking that hit from Char?

Jesus, he went up high there. Yeah. That guy just fucking... That helmet almost came off. Yeah. That's what you do from the... He scored the goal for the... Oh, he didn't score the goal.

He wasn't the wrong guy. That was the guy from the Kings, though. Muzzin'. All right, Nia. This has been incredible, you know? I know you're distracted. I'm sorry. I'm distracted because I am trying

to, like, get my stuff together here. Is that a green bag, Nia? It's a little green. Yeah. It's green like this microphone. What is it called? A windscreen? I would say that's lime green.

It's neon. You're bringing neon green. You're bringing the 80s back. Yeah. It's neon green. All right. It's my carry-on, so I'm trying to get it together.

See what's happening. I downloaded that album. Mine was Bismarck. I downloaded that album where they took that sample from. It's such a killer album. The only reason why I know about it is because I'm reading the Beastie Boys book.

Mm-hmm. Who got you that book? Who got you that book? You did. And you know what's really cool? In the middle, out of nowhere, not in the middle, towards the end, is Chef Roy Choi.

Ah! Yeah, he's in there because he's a Beastie Boy fan. He got to know them and he actually gives you some recipes. Really? Yeah, in the middle of there, frigging autobiography.

How great is that? Yeah, that book really has everything. All right, so here's an album you got to download. You got to download the first album you got to download the fuck is this guy's name? Eugene McDaniels.

Headless Heroes of the Apocalypse. You got to check that out. The supermarket blues might be my favorite fucking song on there. Mm-hmm. The drums are awesome. I don't even know what that's about. It just sounds funny.

Oh, well, he's not kidding around. No, this is a very, I believe white people would say militant rather than he's a African-American man and his impression is displeasure with white people. We say he's militant, which sounds borderline military, which white people do support

unless it's a black-only sort of movement. As far as I could tell. Minute 22 to go in the second period, Nia, your Boston Bruins are up three games to one. Oh, my God, he missed. Jesus Christ, nice defense. Is that Toronto Maple Leafs? That is the Toronto Maple Leafs.

This is an original six-playoff series is what you're looking at here. Well, this has been great. I'll catch you guys on the flippity-flip. Okay, enjoy your packing. You know what sucks about traveling with your wife? It's no matter how light you pack, you still got to go downstairs to that fucking baggage claim.

It's the purple one. The purple one with the hanky on it. It's always like piled on top of three others. You fuck up your lumbar. Now the Maple Leafs are racing down the ice. Look at this shit. These are the Maple Leafs she saw in the first 12 minutes of the game.

But here come your Boston Bruins dumping. Oh, a little dump and chase here. Are we just content to go in up three to one? I hope Butch Cassidy gets on the rest. Why the fuck would you out there trying to get gold number four? You're trying to make me have to put my house on the market? That's what I would say as a head coach in any sport. I would always bring up the fact that if they lose,

I'm going to have to sell my house and go home and tell my children that we're moving away from their friends. All right? Or you fucking assholes could go out here and score some goddamn goals for me. Nia, what do you think about militant vegans in Australia? Sounds pretty scary. Yeah. They're down there shaking ahead of fucking lettuce at people.

Yelling about how much proteins in iceberg lettuce versus chicken or something. I have to be honest. Any time I have eaten just vegetarian, you feel great. You feel light and all of that shit. But there's definitely, man, you eat a fucking steak and cheese. You need a nap. Speaking of which, Nia, I said, speaking of which, steak and cheese. Oh, my favorite sandwich.

I know. Nia's been fucking killing it at the gym and on her diet. It's amazing. And you know what she told me? Really warmed my heart. She told me, you know why I'm losing this weight? I said, why? She said, I'm doing it for you. Because what you think about me is my entire self-esteem. And I was just like, that is the most beautiful thing.

I'm just trying to get it back in the pockets. That's the most beautiful thing anybody has ever said to me. Not accurate. And then she told me, you know what? I really think these feminists are out of line. One of the worst things that ever happened to women was we left the kitchen. It's just unbelievable. Listen, you already threw me under the bus on Conan.

And it worked. You already threw me under the bus at Conan. All right? But what? So I'm not going to take any more fucking slander out of you. Thank you very much. Time out. No, no time out.

Slander is a big word. Slander is a big word. You slandered my name. How? Because you went on Conan and threw me under the bus. Now slander is if I go and I say something that isn't true. Stop acting like you know things. You don't know anything.

I know what slander is. You guess at everything and you threw me under the bus and I'm sick of it. Well, wait a minute. Wait a minute what? Did I throw you under the bus or was it slander? It was both. There was not. There was not.

It was not. You said white people of the middle ages, I'm not into it. First of all, it was made in jest. Second of all, you know, yeah, I don't know. It wasn't meant for the public to hear. Nia, can I tell you something? Most people thought it was funny. Well, I got dragged.

You got 18 fucking Instagram messages. No, I got people making up fake burner accounts trying to troll me and all that kind of stuff. Do you realize how stupid that is? Guess what, asshole? I'm still not going to watch Game of Thrones. I don't give a fuck. I don't care about white people in the middle ages or white people with fake accounts. You and your incest dragons and all that shit that you like.

Y'all can keep that. And listen, there's plenty of black people who like Game of Thrones. So why don't you go hang out with them? But this black person will be over here. Nia, what can they do with Game of Thrones? You can send that shit straight to Blockbuster because I ain't watching. Have we brought that to the podcast yet? That's our new saying.

Bill came up with it. Of course. We were watching some trailer in some movie and I didn't like it. It's so funny. You can take that shit straight to Blockbuster because I ain't watching it. And then now what that's become is if somebody's just suggesting, hey, we should go to brunch. There's a new place down the street.

What do you think about that? You can take that shit straight to Blockbuster. I ain't watching it. I ain't doing it. That's it. All right, let me get back to what I'm doing here. Okay, Nia, just for the record, just so I can throw myself under the bus and be there too,

I don't care about black people in superhero movies. As in you don't want to watch them? I gotta be more honest. Or white people in superhero movies. I don't like superhero movies. You don't like superhero movies. I get it. Okay, you're a nerd, but you're really a superhero.

And for some reason, some people don't realize how fucking shredded you are underneath your dumb sweater and your glasses. That's not... All right, it's so fucking stupid. You don't like X-Men and all that other kind of stuff? No, I don't mind the comic books when I was a kid. But this whole fucking thing,

like, I don't like how nerds go there and they look at these people and just peek human slash... Whatever else they are, fucking alien condition. Okay. And they actually have the balls to sit there and say that they can relate. You clearly haven't watched any because you don't understand the whole, like,

how the story goes for those people. What do you mean I haven't watched any? It's like they're all, like, allegories for stuff going on in, like, actual life and, like, you know, human condition and that type of thing. Nia, Nia. It's not just like... Nia, it's not that deep. It's not that deep.

It's not that deep. I see it when I watch it. No, when I watch it, I'm saying... I didn't need you to explain that to me. Well, I know when I go see a Pixar movie, I know Ice Age is about global warming. Okay. But you... I mean, I'm just saying, now, you're acting like you don't know because you're very...

you're, like, very dismissive of the people who like the superhero stuff. Nia, don't you understand that my business formula is attacking popular shit? Oh, right. Uh-huh. Oh, you don't think it's working? All right. I got to figure out... I've shit on Star Wars since day one,

and they keep making new ones, and they're doing better and better. Not since day one. I liked it when I was a kid. Um... All right, well, I guess she's gone again. See that? See how that just worked there? All right, let's get back to slandering my wife.

What are your hobbies? Flying helicopters, playing drums, slandering my wife. Here's something else Nia said, and she said it specifically about white people in North Carolina. Oh, my God. She was like, out of all the dumb Southerners

that are out there, white people in North Carolina, she never said that. Um... Sorry, I'm typing in my password here. All right, it's three to one, and there's one period left, okay? And I don't think there's anybody relaxed right now.

On either side of this fucking red line. All right? I'll tell you, when you got someone in the caliber, Austin Matthews, and whatever Tavares' first name is, and I'll tell you, Anderson is no slouch. Don't let this score take away from how this kid's been playing for these first five games of this series.

I'll tell you right now, the Bruins, I mean, I know they're happy to be up two goals here, but they still got their work cut out for them. By the way, I didn't see it. Did anybody see the fucking Ruffin Rowdy in West Virginia? How about a fucking round of applause for West Virginia? Everybody's always shitin' on him, okay? But no one ever talks about how fucking entertaining they are.

You're never gonna see a group of people. I mean, the level that they threw themselves, just the highlights from those fights. Did you see that fucking guy? He was gettin' fucking lit up by the other dude. He just ducked down, like Marshawn back in the day when he would tip somebody over. He fucking went down, picked this guy up,

and just body slammed him. It became like an MMA event. And I have a... Actually, I retweeted the clip from Dan Katz sent it over, or tweeted it out. How the fuck are you supposed to say it? Ruffin Rowdy. I'll tell you right now, that Ruffin Rowdy,

the more Ruffin Rowdy the city they go to, the more Ruffin Rowdy it becomes. I miss going to those fucking events. I wanna fucking... The next one that comes out, if I'm not fucking... I'm always working. I gotta stay home one night with a bunch of other comics that were just off that night,

and I wanna watch that fight. Or maybe I'll just tape it. Why don't I do that? I don't know, Bill. There's a lot of technology out there. Jesus Christ, do I need some fucking reads at this point? All right, here we go. Oh, my God.

I thought I had a new advertiser. I thought there was a new website called My Foreskin. It's actually an email. It says, My wife is disgusted by my foreskin. That is the dumbest shit ever. It's like, well, you fucking had it when you met her. It's not like you grew one.

Jesus Christ, were you coming down the aisle? And she's just like, Why am I marrying this guy with an ugly dick? Isn't that ridiculous how they fucking... They just mutilate you the second you come out? And women find a unmuted man disgusting? Can you imagine that? Hey, Nia, you know what?

I find your clit disgusting. Sorry, I'm just trying to get her back in here. All right, let's do some reads here. Oh, look who's here, everybody. Old zip. Zip recruiter. Hiring used to be had multiple job sites, stacks of resumes, a confusing review process. Why do I have to take off my shirt?

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Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in Burr that's Stamps.com Enter Burr. All right. How much are we up to? We're up to 42 minutes here, Nia. We're in the break between the second and third period. The Bruins are up three games to one. And I think I owe it to my listeners to podcast right through the end of this game. If they give a fuck, right?

By the way, congratulations to the second batch of stand-up comics that went up on our premium blend style show for Comedy Central. My good buddy, Josh Adam, Maya's closed out the second one and absolutely murdered so many people. Had fucking monstrous sets during the taping, and they made all things comedy look really good, and Comedy Central was psyched, and hopefully we'll get to do it some more. And I loved the whole process, getting to meet all these young comics up and coming,

getting to know who's the funny people and whatnot. And I don't know. I think we got a home run there. So anyways, let's get to some of the emails here for the week, and then we'll watch the Bruins game together, shall we? Although I imagine a bunch of people in Toronto will be fucking turning this off if it stays the same. Or if they have a miraculous comeback. Here's the deal.

I'm gonna do it until fucking the end of regulation. I'm not gonna fucking... I'm not gonna keep going. You know, one of these fucking triple overtime games. All right. Okay, emails. Kate Smith. Dear Billy Boo Boo Bird.

Check out this video about the God Bless America controversy. Classic case of generations not understanding each other. Love you and love the podcast. All right, let's check this out. God bless America. Hey, why is it, you know, every time... Um... All right.

The New York Daily News reported yesterday that the Yankees quit playing Smith's rendition of God Bless America during their seventh inning stretch after the club was made aware of Smith's potential racism. This morning, newspapers in Philadelphia reported that flyers are cutting ties with Smith, too, offering a statue honoring her with a blanket. Do you know what's hilarious?

I got to time out. That thing that they covered, the thing that they just covered Kate Smith's statue up with, made her look like she was the next level... It looks like she's wearing a Klan hood, except it's all black. Like this, you know, the Grand Wizard of Klan guys. You know, I think he has a couple extra patches.

It's kind of like the Cub Scouts, except with a lot more hatred. Um... Are you kidding me? What is the evidence? Because of Smith's rendition, God Bless America became this country's second national anthem. Wait a fucking minute. What is this shit, this new evidence?

Kate Smith racist evidence. I mean, what, did she send a text message somebody just found? Okay, wait a second. Wasn't everybody racist back then? Because even if you were liberal, what you thought was nowhere near where the fuck we are now, this is so dumb. This is really bad, man.

You can't fucking go back when somebody's not alive to defend themselves. All right. How come nobody back then said she was racist? Is that because everyone was racist back then? And if they did, everyone was racist back then, and if they were, wasn't she just a victim of her time

with the information that was available? I mean, there was time people walked around, they thought slavery, yeah, that makes sense to me. Because that's what people did. You know, there's a lot of shit we're doing right now. Do you think you're gonna fucking get to 80 and look back on shit you did in your 20s, and you're like, oh my God, I can't believe you used to do shit,

or said that, or ate that, or thought this? All right. Who says one fan can't make a difference? It was one fan who contacted the Yankees about Kate Smith's racist singing background that caused them to remove the God bless America from the seventh inning stretch, which caused Stefan Bondi of the New York Daily News

to write about it, which also caused the Philadelphia Flyers to not only remove her song, but cover up the statue outside the Xfinity Live as well. I spoke with Bondi before his inside edition. Appearance. He said, I obviously didn't expect the reaction that it got. Well, what did you think was gonna happen?

Says Bondi, but I think it's a sign of the times and a good sign that the Flyers also reacted the way they did. Meanwhile, the Redskins are still called the Redskins. None of this shit makes sense. So is Kate Smith really a racist or struggling artist trying to get work? Nobody knows, and I think that's still part of the investigation, Bondi said.

Well, then what the fuck? How are you gonna investigate that after she's dead and everybody else who was part of the class was dead? How are you gonna investigate this? You just slandered somebody's fucking name. Speaking of slander, there's not been much as to who Kate Smith is as a person. There hasn't been any stories to suggest

anything racially insensitive in her private life, but there are these songs, Bondi said. She was born in the South, raised during the time of Jim Crow Laws. Yeah, this isn't her fault. It was a racist time. These were different times, and some of the things she said would have been racist back then. You still get to pick...

What? Wait a second. And some of the things she said would have been racist back then. You still get to pick some of the songs you sing. These fucking people, who is this brody person? Can we investigate your life through this level? You never said anything, you didn't do anything, you didn't laugh at somebody? Can we destroy your fucking life now?

Put a fucking sack over your head? What about the fact that these songs were recorded so long ago when the times were so different? Obviously says, I like how they're talking to this Bondi person like this person's some sort of expert. I'm sure it was interpreted differently in 1939, but it's not 1939. Yeah, but it was when she did it.

This shit back then... Dude, that's like when they come up with a new law. You can't prosecute somebody for doing something yesterday that today is now illegal. But it's not 1939, and that song is being played to all sorts of people of race and color and creed at Yankee Stadium in 2019. God bless America, not the racist song.

I don't get this at all. I don't get... Then they try to get the Flyers in trouble. You can also add the Flyers to that list as people not playing the song, but one has to wonder, what would they have done if it were Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals and they played the song before the last three wins?

This is all this is. This whole fucking era is just trying to get people in trouble. I think when you do something like that to somebody, they should immediately investigate your life. If you're going to take somebody down, we're now going to investigate your life to see if we need to take you down, too. And you know what? Watch everybody shut the fuck up

because we're all guilty of something. Myself included. Give me a fucking break. We've all done shit. We've all said shit. I mean, part of life is growing as a person. I bet if you asked her at the end of her life, what do you think about those songs? I bet she'd have a different opinion than when the fuck she sung them.

It didn't even say how old she was when she sang the song. It's so fucking stupid. I think that's ridiculous. I think it's ridiculous. And it's this fucking thing that white people who live now do, and they try to act like they're trying to be brave and sensitive. And what they're really doing is they're using somebody else to fucking show how awesome they are or something. I think it's all self-serving. I don't know.

And I'm also assuming this person's white, which I probably shouldn't, but I don't know. I just know all of my black friends, when I brought up that controversy about John Wayne, they all just laughed. Like, who gives a fuck about a dead white guy? We're dealing with the white people that are still alive. All right, Ukraine president.

Dear Bill Presidente. Uh-oh, uh-oh. Tavares, Point Blank, 1558. Swallowed up by Tukarovsk. Dear Bill Presidente, there is hope for the world. Oh, thank God. Hey, guys, how about some more positive shit, too, by the way? A comedic personality from the Ukraine

just beat the incumbent in a landslide to become president. What? Is that a good thing? I don't think I want a fucking clown running my country. When are you running and what's your slogan gonna be? Uh, what will you do about the Middle East? Who will be your vice? All right, I'll answer these questions. Uh, this is what I do about the Middle East.

Fuck! Toronto just scored. Uh-oh. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have a fucking game here. Was that Austin Matthews again? He's fucking awesome. Oh, my God, they keep getting us with that fucking... Let me watch this replay.

Oh, my, oh, he came... Tuka went from right to left, and then he shot it over his right shoulder, like the fucking sniper that he is. Top shelf. And look at the look on his face. Look at him. Jesus Christ.

All right, Bruins. Oh, fuck me, fuck me. I was relaxed, and now I am not. Toronto wins the face-off in the Bruins' zone. All right, just relax. Don't be a bunch of puck-chasing jackasses and just fuck... Oh, boy, oh, boy. Oh, they got the puck.

Oh, Jesus. They go D to D. All right, I can't watch this shit. There you go, take the fucking body. Something. Anyways, um... I didn't remember what the fuck I was talking about. Oh, how I would solve the Middle East.

All right, first of all, I would convert this country to solar power. I would enact that guy from Tesla's plans for that solar shit on the roads, and then his... I would just convert all of this to solar. All right? And I would give, you know, all of the money to the oil companies,

and just say, listen, you're going to be out of this fucking business, and we're going to help you go over to this other business. All right? So you're still getting all the money from the energy, your cunts, and then what's going to happen is there's going to be no fucking money in the Middle East, and then they won't have any money to finance the terrorism. And then we're going to get the fuck out of there and leave them alone. Okay?

That's what we're going to do. And then they can fucking live their lives, and we're going to live our lives. And then... I don't know if I would have the power to do this, but I would go and I would evict all the Jews out of Israel and all the Palestinians out of Palestine. Fuck, where would I put them?

I got to give them beachfront property, because that seems to be really important to those people. I'd give them all time shares in Florida, Boca Raton, we'd get Acapulco going again, you know? Now, there's no, there's no solve in the Middle East, but I would get us the fuck out of that hornet's nest is what I would do. And I would leave those people alone because it's their countries, and they should be able to figure out what the fuck goes on in their countries.

If I'd convert us to solar power, that's what I would do. My vice president would be somebody way smarter than me. And I would have him sound out all the big words in my speeches before I went on TV, so you guys all thought I was smart, and you kept the faith. All right? Then I would go to Blackwater, and I would carve out a deal with them,

where we would take the banking system back. All right? And we'd just whack a couple of top bankers. I didn't think we'd have to do that. We would just walk in and take them over. Take over the banks. You're too big to fail. Is that what you think?

There's the old right there friend, and they would all go to fucking jail. Okay? And then the next one I would go to, this is like in a perfect world, like all the politicians who get paid by all these fucking crooked cunts would somehow come along with me. Then I would go to the food fucking industry,

and I would get all of those cunts the fuck out of there. I'd go through their files and find out what's really in our food. And simultaneously, you'd go to the pharmaceutical fucking industry and find out why the fuck, what they knew about fentanyl and all of this, because I've had a bunch of people that I know affected by it. I've had friends die. I've had friends have children die. It's just been fucking awful.

That's what I would do. And then the last thing I would do is I would try to have some sort of recycling program that works. And I don't know, that's what the fuck I would do. And my vice president, who would it be? Who would it be? Oh, I'd get Al Franken. I'd have him as a vice president.

All comedians in office. I don't know, I try to just get people that actually give a shit about people, rather than power and money, like all of these other fucking assholes, like the Bushes, the Obamas, the Trumps, the Clintons. They're just all bad people. Like, I feel like the last human being that was in office was Jimmy Carter. And, you know, let me look at the guy. What has he done since he's retired, other than build 4,000 houses

for the fucking homeless? All these other fucking assholes, what do they do? They go on the speech tour. And they go out and they give speeches to the biggest fucking anti-American, goddamn corporate crooks. But don't even get me started on this shit. Don't even get me fucking started. Everybody loves fucking Obama.

And his first two speeches were two of the biggest fucking predatory banks from fucking 2008. I mean, it's like they don't even try to hide, but he's got a blue tie, so I like him. It's like these fucking morons that can't even admit that Trump is a fucking dope. I get it, you're a Republican. I get it, you're conservative. I get it, you want a wall. I get all of that, if that's what the fuck you want, and I respect it. But to fucking take it to the point where you can't say that this guy's a bit of a fucking,

you know, I understand wind. I know all about the wind. I mean, the fact that you're comfortable with that being your leader, I mean, I don't know what to fucking say to you. Yeah, that is as annoying as people who prop up, you know, the Obamas, like these were these great fucking people, rather than they were your typical politicians that had their faces in the fucking pig trough, just like all of them, just like all of them.

No, he wears a different color tie. He wears the color tie that I like. All right, let's get on. Let's not talk politics here. It just makes me... It just makes me annoyed. And then I start acting like I can solve all the problems and then I know things that I really don't. So why don't we avoid that?

Although that could be part of the entertainment though, right? All right, what's the next thing here? Jesus Christ, this is a long email. Where the fuck is this here? Wife said douchebag. Jesus Christ, noisy sex. Ukraine president, okay. Noisy neighbors having sex. Dear Bill, you are one of my favorite...

Thank you. My problem is I can hear my neighbors having loud, obnoxious sex. Well, the only way it's obnoxious is if they're doing it to annoy you. They might be lost in the throes of passion. When was the last time we won a fucking face-off in this fucking game? Anyways, loud, obnoxious sex at various times of the day. I left a note to them addressing the problem. They left a condescending response back with their phone number in it.

Why on earth would I want to discuss their sex life with them? Oh, I would have called them back in a second. As you can see, I'm in quite the pickle here. That is my next move. And what should I do? Seriously, you're biggest fan from New Paltz, New York. Oh, dude, this is easy. Go get yourself a sound system.

All right, you got to do a little research. Get a sound system. Point the speakers at the walls of your neighbor's house. All right? And then what you do... I don't know if you can do a Google search. Find the most obnoxious sex sounds from a porno. You ever watch a porno and somebody's like,

fucking over the top, going like... Oh, like, you know, it literally takes you out of it. I would record that on a loop. And every time they have sex, you know, I would play that. Or you just make a tape of saying, your mom's vagina. Your mom's vagina. Your mom's vagina is wet right now.

Just anything that will make that guy lose his fucking heart on. Have fun with it. And then just say that you're listening to a new song by Yoko Ono and the Plastic Ono Band. And, you know, I think you'll get away with it. You got to have fun with it. Record it. You know, have somebody animate it and all of that shit

with you and your fucking... Yeah, send us audio of it. I have animators. I'll pay for it. We'll fucking make a little cartoon about it. And then do that other shit. Just fucking annoy them back. Fuck them. And you also have their... Oh, and you could, like, put their phone up now.

Don't put their phone number out there. That'd be a mean thing. That'd be too mean. Taking it too far. All right. Wife's douchebag boss. Oh, God, your wife has a douchebag boss. So guess what you have to hear about every night at dinner? What's up, Billy Ball Sniffer? Hoping for advice. Why is Scott a douchebag boss just a little background?

Oh, this is gonna be one of these no punctuations, no capital letters, no nothing. Just a little background. My wife is 45. I'm 38. Wife's douchebag boss, 28. This jackass thinks... This jackass thinks it's okay knowing she married... Oh, Jesus Christ, dude.

What the f... This isn't even a fucking decent sense. This jackass thinks it's okay knowing she's married. Juju hit on her on a regular basis. A little more backstory. Last year at her Christmas party, we were all drinking, and he decided it was okay to start hitting on her in front of me. She has a great job for a retail company in a mall. Makes 70k a year, so I didn't want to screw it up.

But beating the ever-living crap out of him... By by beating the ever-living crap out of him, I decided to let it slide. The next day he apologized and I let it go, figuring he was just drunk. Whoever sends he likes to throw little comics about how she smells nice, is dress great. The little prick even likes to walk up behind her

and brush up against her act. Well, what the fuck? She can't just go to human resources at this point? You don't even need evidence to get her. You got, like, fucking evidence of this shit. Just do that. He says, cool, I know my wife is not the cheating type, or she wouldn't be telling me all this.

Yesterday she came home, sent me upset, and told me while she was in the food court eating lunch, he came up behind her and told her he thinks she would be great in bed. Here's my question before I drag this little shit-stain down to the food court and pull a good fella's and stick his fucking head in the pizza oven. What should I do so I don't end up going to jail?

This advice would be great. Maybe something from Nia. It's Nia with an N, not Mia with an M. Um, no, you can't do that, because then you're gonna go to jail and he won't. I don't understand why she doesn't complain to somebody. I mean, at this point, all she would have to do is go on Twitter, say who the fuck he was, and his career would be over.

I think she can just threaten to do that. If you fucking say one more goddamn thing to me, sexually or otherwise, I will go online and I will end your fucking career faster than you could say Harvey Weinstein, all right? I actually think she should just go to human resources. I don't know why she doesn't. But you should not go and beat the shit out of this guy,

because you're gonna get caught and you're gonna go to jail. Um, and then that guy's gonna continue, and then you think he's brushing up against your wife ass then? Forget about what about when you're locked up? Uh, don't do that. I think you should go to the proper channels here. All right, advice. My wife is disgusted by my foreskin.

Oh, brother. Ten minutes to go. Ten minutes to go. Please tell me we're not playing not to lose. I mean, not to, yeah, to not lose. How have that expression goes? Oh, boy. Oh, boy. You know they're gonna tie it up.

You know they're gonna tie it up. Jesus Christ, get it out of there! Oh, my God. What are we doing? What are we doing? All right. Hey, Billingham Firecrutch. Love the podcast and the advice you give.

First off, I'm personally fine with my old twig and berries, and haven't thought the foreskin to be an issue. But recently, my wife of two years has confessed that it makes her gag. I noticed her reluctance to the one-eyed snake from the first time we were together. My first thought was she didn't like them face-to-face, or maybe she was the size of my staff that she didn't like.

It's not there very long, but I am girthy. And that's fine with me. I like to make the joke. I may not be able to touch the bottom of the tuna can, but I can touch all the sides. Long story short, she's ass-slash demanded that I get surgery to remove the excess. I don't know how to take that.

Isn't love beyond the physical? Thank you very much, Bill. I'll tell you this right now. There's no fucking way you could ever tell your wife to do something like that. I don't know what to tell you, dude. You need to talk to a professional about this one. I can tell you this.

If someone was going to make me remove something from my dick, they would have to be in writing a guaranteed number of blowjobs per month. Here's the thing, dude. What if you do that and then she still doesn't like your dick? You know? There's been women that married guys, and then they get divorced,

and then all of a sudden they have a girlfriend. You find out they're gay. Anything can fucking happen. Before you start cutting shit off your dick, fuck that. That's your dick. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it,

and I think it's really fucked up that, you know, that she married you. If she was... Look, if she fucking went on a date with you and the first time you took out your little fucking stumpy, thick thing there, I... She should have been honest with you

instead of fucking gross me out. And you guys could have left it at that. Now, she's two years into this shit. This is all her fault. For not fucking communicating to you that she thinks your dick is gross. And I'm gonna tell you right now, dude, do not fucking do that on any level.

Fuck you, this is my dick. This is the dick I showed up with, and this is the dick I'm leaving with. Okay? And if she walks, she fucking walks, dude. Fuck that. I'm telling you right now, don't do it. I got a bad...

Remember Platoon? I got a bad feeling about this one, man. I got a bad feeling about this. Could you say to her, you know, you fucking... Your tits gross me out? I don't know. I don't know, man.

I wouldn't do it. Don't fucking do it. That's my advice. Do not do it. Keep your dick all original. Matching numbers, bar and fine. Bruins almost scored on that fucking breakaway. God damn it.

Didn't almost score. Had a breakaway, but did not score. All right, advice. Friend is in prison. Hey, Billy Bullion. I have a huge problem and need your advice. A friend of mine, whom I've known since the late 90s,

recently went to prison. He was a great guy, funny guy, and we have the same sense of humor. We've stayed in touch for almost two decades, sharing life's adventures, family stories, joys and sorrows. So I was met with sadness when he emailed me a few months ago to explain that he was experiencing serious legal trouble and had a potential decade in prison.

Well, what did he do? Tax evasion, embezzlement. He said he wasn't able to explain the details of the case. Touch somebody? I emailed him back a week later to hope things worked out whatever it was. I said I didn't need to know the details because I believed he was a good character.

Eventually, his wife responded and said he's in prison. She offered to put me in contact with him. All right, well, then he didn't touch somebody if she's still fucking there. That's my guess. 8.36 to go. All right, so until today, I kept in contact through the prison email service

and he's been friendly and upbeat. I didn't ask about his situation because I thought that whatever he did can't be that bad and he won't want to talk about it. He was going to jail for 10 years. He fucking did something. Guys don't talk about emotional stuff after all. I told him to stay positive and just get through

at the best he can. I wanted to show him pictures of my new car, but the prison email can't do attachment, so I asked my partner about posting some photos. She Googled his prison and saw it's a federal prison. She asked me what he's in for. I honestly said I don't know and she started snooping. Oh, boy.

Then we found a new story from town. He pled guilty to having thousands of kitty porn pictures. There it is on his computer. It's 100% him, no doubt. Not a case of mistaken identity. I feel so dumb for not Googling his name months ago. So, Bill, my question is, what do I do? The easy answer is to ignore him and cut him out of my life.

That was my first thought, but I'm also human and he's alone sitting in a prison cell realizing his mistake. Is it possible to someone still be a friend to this guy? Can pedophiles change? As far as I've seen, no, not even remotely. Could you somehow change what you're attracted to? You're attracted to what you're attracted to.

I don't want to lose my friend because I don't have many, but he did unforgivable things. I feel let down, but he supported me as a friend for 20 years. What do I do? Well, I think he just answered it. You're a good friend and he's a good friend, but you just said what he did was unforgivable. So, if it's unforgivable, you can't forgive him.

I don't know, dude, I'm sorry, you're going through a pretty heavy fucking email. As a father, it's easy to just cut him out of your life. Dude, you're a father, you have kids? Yeah, you got to get rid of this guy. You got to get rid of him anyways. But imagine if you can, if one of your good friends did this, I can't forgive him,

but this moral ethical decision is killing me. Thank you very much for your time and go fuck yourself. The last email was long and takes a turn. Wasn't sure if you wanted to read it or not, but I threw it in there. That's hilarious. He sent that after the email text. Um, yeah.

If you think you owe it to him as a friend to explain why, I would do that, but yeah, it's a wrap. And then I would just, if you feel bad about it, I would just talk to my wife about it. Or if you feel you need to go talk to somebody about it, I would do that. Um, but dude, you got kids. I mean, you know, those people, they're sick.

There's something wrong with them and they haven't been able to figure out how to fix them. You got to protect yourself and your family. So sometimes, you know, you got to choose yourself. And I think this is an easy one. You said to yourself what he did was unforgivable. All right, that is the podcast. All right, you guys have a great couple of days here

and I'll check in on you on Thursday. Um, those of you who want to listen to the final five minutes and nine, eight, seven seconds of this fucking game, uh, you can listen to the rest of this fucking podcast. All right, now we're in, now we're in overtime for the podcast. Get it out of the fucking zone. The daughter's sleeping. Just screamed and I yelled the F word.

Oh, Toronto is on the edge of their fucking seats here. I love how they keep fucking chanting Tuka's name like he's, that's going to rattle him. He's been playing great. They scored on a deflection. You know, can't blame a goalie for a deflection. Um, then the second one was a nice goal. I could live with both of those, especially if they don't score another one.

Bruins bringing the fucking to the zone, going down half wall, ridden off by some cunt from Toronto. Why didn't you fucking... Ah, Jesus, now they got to clear the zone. Oh my God, it was right there. You know what happens when you miss one of those, the other team fucking scores. Jesus Christ.

To Varys as Matthew's out there too. They're on a different line, thank Christ. You know at the end of the game, they're both going to be out there. The fucking goalie pulled. Why do I do this? Why do I give a shit? You know, look at his asshole standing up. Get the fuck out of the way. Oh, look at that sweet rebound just sitting there,

waiting to be picked up. Let me turn this up so he can at least hear it. 309 to go, 308 to go. Come on, Nia, you know you want a game seven, right? Tell me you want a game seven. That's right. 2-1-1! Ugh! Action up and down the ice.

Here come the Bruins. Here come the Bruins. Here comes one Bruin anyway. For a stoppage of play, 238 to go. He just goes, it's wonderful, isn't it? Now if your heart's in the fucking game, it's wonderful if you don't give a shit. If I'm a Calgary Flame fan and I'm watching this, I'm fucking probably having a good time,

because my team's already out of it. Ah, boy. You know what I didn't take into consideration here is commercials. You guys watching the Lexus going around the racetrack? Lexus is a great car for the money, huh? I'd like to think so. Was that shot in Arizona, in Australia? They gave me some militant vegans running out in front of them.

Because the fucking... I'm so glad they moved on to this guy. This progressive commercial. Is this progressive? What is this? The guy with the parrot? I couldn't stand that one with that Asian chick going, Ooh, I want my money! Like, what the fuck was that? If a white person did that, you'd be in trouble.

Ooh, child! All right. Now I hit pause. Then they got a black guy dancing with food at TGI Fridays. I mean, what is going on? It's like progressive, and then it goes back. All right. Okay. Real estate. Everybody's doing commercial stuff. There's more celebrities in commercials than there are in superhero movies, you know?

All right, back to the game. Charlie McAvoy getting a skate on that. How the fuck did Matthews miss that? It was probably in the air. I know it wasn't his fault. Passenac, you're a fucking goal scorer. He's fucking imitating crazy there. Anderson, big time saves. You know what else he has? He has big time rebounds. And I got to think your Bruins are going to be there to pick one up.

Come on. Come on, Bruins. 236, 235. There you go. Keep it in there, Rand. Cycle it around, dude. Half wall. Come on. Come on, you fuckers. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.

Get it out of there. What the fuck are we doing? Two minutes to go. Dude, if fucking Toronto scores in the final two minutes, I'm shutting this fucking thing off. Score! Game seven, everybody. Oh, my God. Listen to how fucking quiet he's in there. What the fuck did they pull the goalie? You're only down by one goal. I don't fucking get that.

With a minute to go, maybe. Fucking Marshawn, man. He's the best. He's the best, Dick. He's just fucking money. He's just money. Oh, all the Bruins to score for Toronto fans to get pissed off at. All right. Not a respect for the Toronto Maple Leafs. I'll watch the rest of this. Maple Leaf fans staying there. Look at this. Very impressive. What a fan base.

Not like those Montreal Canadian fans. They would all fucking take it off. Uh-oh. Is that a tripping call? What? Just wide. Minute twenty-two to go. The always dangerous. Austin Matthews. All right, out of the zone. I can never skate like them. These fucking guys.

The defensemen are amazing. That fucking asshole sat down, didn't he? Down by two goals. Probably left. Get it out of there. Get it out of there, please. Ah, fuck. Not this guy. Not this guy. You know, somebody's got this fucking game. They're gambling. They're gonna fucking pull the goalie like this. Don't they care about gamblers?

Oh, look at that. Just swallowed it up. No rebound. I'm like Anderson. Oh, we got a game seven. We got a game seven. Look at that fucking pass. Unbelievable. Tuko Raskin's always there. Yeah, Chan is named now. Toronto fans. Chan is fucking named now. Not by any means. Same. We're gonna win this series. I'm just saying. I'm just glad it's gonna go seven here.

Huge. Look at Babcock. What a great coach. Callow. What exactly are you saying? There's 31 fucking seconds left. Alright, if you can score on a faceoff in the zone and then somehow after the faceoff you can score at the red line. Can we do that? Then maybe score again and we can get out of here and not go into overtime.

Oh, Jesus. Alright, here come your Boston Bruins back out to center ice. How many times can they beat Toronto in a fucking playoff series? When will Toronto get the fucking first round monkey off their back? I'm not gonna lie to you. I thought they had us. I thought they had us. Especially the first ten minutes of this game. And that's why I'm not a professional athlete because I am a quitter.

And your Boston Bruins do not quit. Fuck. Why is Austin Matthews always on the side of the fucking net and Tuka's on the other side? Just sitting there with the stick on the ice. 16.7 seconds to go, Nia. There's gotta be a game seven. Alright, you don't have to listen to the final. 16.7 seconds. Alright, everybody, thank you for listening to the bonus time here on the podcast. Congratulations to the Bruins. And the Maple Leafs great playoff series. Who knows who's gonna win.

But game seven is on Tuesday. 14 seconds, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7 fucking icing again. Jesus fucking Christ. 5.4. Now I gotta stick it out, right? I said I was gonna stick it out. You know, Nia, you know me, right? When I say I'm gonna stick it out, I stick it out, right? Didn't that used to be my bathrobe? It used to be.

It used to be my bathrobe. And then she took it. Look at this guy. Fucking referee bet the over as far as time goes. How long this game would take? Kicking people out of a face off. Fucking 5.4 seconds left. 42 game. There you go. That's the ball game. Fucking huge, huge victory. Congratulations to your Boston Bruins. Alright, I'll check in on you on Thursday. If you choose a second-hand car on Instinct or with your license,

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