Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-23-18

Episode Date: April 25, 2018

Bill rambles about the common cold, a 14 yr old's dream, and being a navy seal in Australia.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, April 23rd, 2018. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? I'm actually recording this on fucking Wednesday, April 25th, in case you're listening to this in the future and you wanted to know what was going on with me as far as my health goes.

Now, notice I said as far as my health goes, instead of health-wise. I learned in vocab improvement back in high school, there's no such thing as the wise guys. Health-wise, weather-wise. That's why I can never listen to come fly with me. Weather-wise, it's such a lovely day. Hey, Frank, I know you're connected, but that's improper grammar. All right?

I'm not attacking you or your heritage or the fact that you're from New Jersey, right? You're overly sensitive, so-and-so. I'm just saying that that's, you know, I don't know who wrote that song, okay? So why don't you Scooby-Doo-Dee-Dop-Dop-Dop-Dop-Boo over to a fucking dictionary? You find me weather-wise, Francis. Am I really trashing a dead fucking Frank Sinatra? Sorry, I've almost lied and tried to tell you I'm on cold medication, but I don't take cold medication.

Cold medication is for fucking millennials, all right? Even if you're older and you take it, you're a millennial at heart. You can't deal with the fact that you got yourself sick. You need to lay down, get eight hours, and let your body fucking go through it, all right? The reason why your nose is running is because it's trying to get the virus out of you. Just let it happen, these fucking assholes. I swear to God, man, the amount of people that gave me advice, you know? There's no cure for the common cold, but everybody thinks they have one.

You know what? Zinc. Try some zinc. Shut a whiskey, dude. My manager told me, he goes, vitamin D. Everybody thinks it's C, vitamin D. Unbelievable. One of the greatest managers in the world, and he also knows the cure for a cold. I mean, who knew that? Just fucking with you, Dave.

Let's get that out of the way. Jesus Christ, this is just the cold that won't quit. This is the cold that's letting me know that Mother Nature is regrouping, you know? Right now, we're squeezing her, all right? Like the way Andre, the giant, was squeezing fucking Hulk Hogan in that documentary. And they're lifting Mother Nature's arm, and they're dropping it down. They lift it up. They're dropping it down.

They're like, oh my God, the bad guys are going to win. And at one point, her arm's just going to stay there, and she's going to start shaking her fucking blonde hair. That was always my favorite part, when Hulk would start coming back and he'd give him that one big hit, and then he'd walk around the ring, looking up at the rafters, just shaking his head. That was the best. I watched that documentary like three times.

And when I watched that part of the fight with Nia, we were both laughing our asses off in a great way. Today, it's just some of the greatest fucking performers of all time. And professional wrestlers, you know, when I was growing up, right through the rock and all those guys, like their ability, stone cold, all of them, their ability to work a crowd is just, it's second to none, you know? I got a buddy of mine still going like, dude, yeah, but isn't it like a fake fight? You know?

But isn't it like a fake fight? It's just like, I, I, I, I, how fucking dumb are you? It's like, yes, it's entertainment. They, they, they fucking said that like 30 years ago, and some guy cried, all right? And the greatest thing they ever did was say that it was all arranged and all of that shit for the most part. So then they could actually talk about how fucking hurt they got when they actually were doing these fake fights.

I had to tell Verzi that, like Verzi, if you knew, okay, we had a fake fight and I said I was going to pick you up and throw you across the room and you were going to land on your back, you know? That would still hurt even though, you know, we arranged that it was going to happen, right? Physics is still in play there. No? Sorry, I'm a little hot here with this fucking mic. I was having a problem with my recorder here.

Oh God. Um, so believe it or not, I'm actually on the other side of this thing. I completely lost my voice by, uh, by Sunday and, um, so I started gargling with a little bit of, uh, apple cider vinegar and some salt in there and that kind of cleared me up a little bit. Um, I'll do that shit, but I'm not going down to the fucking drugstore, even though I did and I bought all this shit and I just looked at the ingredients and I'm like, I'm not putting this in my fucking body.

So basically what? I kicked this shit out of my fucking liver. So this medicine can fool my fucking nose that I don't have a cold. I apologize dude for how stuffy I am, but I got to do this because I'm going to be fucking backed up on podcasts because I got the Thursday one tomorrow. I'm liking that. I love Lucy sketch where they got the chocolates coming down, except it's podcasting. I mean Christ, I don't have time for this shit.

Um, guess what the fuck I watched yesterday on the plane coming back actually went up to Boston and I visited my family bag East and, um, on, uh, dude, by the way, the fucking anger that is still in Massachusetts, it's not really with the younger kids, which kind of makes me happy and a little bit sad. You know, at some point you do have to let go of the anger, but I help, I help all the characters are still, you know, around, but I was driving through my, uh, my old neighborhood and I still, there's this cop direct in traffic and a little fucking three way stop. He tells this guy to stop and evidently he didn't.

And the cop starts flipping out and I'm like fucking two, three cars down the line. So I, I can't hear what the guy's saying, but he is fucking flailing his arms like Earl Weaver. Right. He manages the Orioles about fucking 40 years ago. Sorry. Um, and I'm laughing my balls off how fucking angry he is at this guy, right? And then when he gets the guy to stop and then the other key waves us to start going,

like that's not enough for him. He walks up to the guy's car and starts screaming at him. So I'm thinking maybe this is some young punk with his radio turned up and he's not listening to the cop. I show up. It's like some old dude with like white hair and this fucking eight foot cop is screaming at him. Uh, I don't know how you do it.

I would not, I would not have handled that well if he came out to my window. There's no, I would have been like, relax. And then I would have been, you know, in cuffs because she can't tell a guy who's flipping out and screaming at you to fucking relax. I need to learn my rights for those moments because I am a control freak and I forget that I don't know how to fight in those moments and I just immediately go to go fuck yourself and then, and then the ramification comes that I am not prepared for. Um, I actually got angry for that guy and started drove past the cop saying all the

shit to the cop in my car to myself as if I was that guy talking to that cop. How fucking nuts is that? Or is that normal? Is that something you do? I just feel like for me, Jesus Christ. I haven't been this sick since I've been a dad, which is fucking brutal to get this sick when you're a dad because then you can't hug your kid, um, which is the worst. I mean, that's what you have a kid for.

So you can hug him, right and lie about what you did when you were a kid, right? That's what you do. I used to make my bed every day. I did all my homework. I was never a problem for my parents. Um, anyways, I, uh, I had a fucking amazing weekend. So I got to work the rhyming once again. That's the third time I've been there.

I did Vince Vaughn's, uh, Nashville comedy festival in 2014. Then I did it again in 2016. I take my last special there, walk your way out and then I got to do it, uh, one show Friday, one show Saturday and they brought me a drum kit and shit to play on. And I was so sick. I couldn't play. And, um, I had a splitting fucking headache, but the shows were really fun. And I actually, uh, I always hit that jacks barbecue next door and then, uh, I went to

the Woolworth. They got a Woolworth sale. I was like, uh, with a fucking lunch counter, like where they had like back in the day during segregation, where they're just like, only white people can sit here and get a grilled cheese sandwich. God made everybody in his image, but he made us closer to his image and he loves us just a little bit better. And because of that, we get to sit at this shiny counter and the rest of you on the white,

white, unwhite fucking people got to go around the bank. Um, so I sat down, I got a fucking cheeseburger there, you know, taking pictures, just I went into Woolworth's like a white person going, Oh my God, I remember these things. You know, he used to be able to buy fucking a shirt and then get a cheeseburger. So I walked in not realizing the historical, um, magnitude of what I was walking into. I was just walking. Hey, guys, don't sell shirts here. Nobody we don't, we don't, I walked right up to the fucking counter.

I was taking pictures and shit and everybody thought I was like some fucking historian and I wasn't, I was as excited that had the same emotional historical context to me as if, if I walked into a Jordan Marsh. Do they have Jordan Marshes anymore? Do you remember all those, all those defunct superstores? It's funny. They were evil when they came out because they put out the mom and pop businesses. And then eventually when you watch them get eaten, you, you ended up feeling bad for them.

Places like mammoth mart, you remember mammoth mart had a big wooly mammoth child world got destroyed by fucking Toys R Us leech mayor. They lost out to the fucking best buys radio shack. There's still a few of them left over. You know what I mean? They like fucking old Nazis. There's still a couple of them running around scurrying around South America. You know what I mean?

Trying to get a fucking tan, fit in with the regulars, right? Well, some of the other ones that they used to have, I can't even remember anymore. So long goes Phylene's, Jordan Marsh, then Macy's just came along, just fucked them all up. Just fucked them all up. Bloomingdale's beat the fuck out of everybody. And then you had all those like stores you just heard about, but you know, like Sax Fifth Avenue, when I was a little kid, they might have been one in Boston. But I think if you wanted to go to Sax Fifth Ave, you had to go to Fifth Avenue.

In New York City, and nobody really fucking knew all of the, all of that, all of that designer shit that all the kids wear nowadays, like, and I was like Mobile, Alabama, and they had like a fucking Louis Vuitton store. They never used to have that shit. You know what I mean? They only had three series of the BMW, the three, the five, and the seven. No, they also had the six. And you couldn't afford one of those. Go fuck yourself.

They didn't make a fucking SUV. I didn't think, I don't think they did. They didn't have a one series, a two series, a four series, you know, just fucking doing anything they can. That's like when Mercedes-Benz dropped their, not their quality, but they dropped it all the way down where you could buy the, was it the 190E, the baby Benz they used to call it? And all of a sudden you drive around a Mercedes-Benz that costs the same amount of money as a Monte Carlo, right? And you were this Monte Carlo fucking teatop, pot-dealing douche, you know, who would have looked right in his Oldsmobile Cutlass, but instead you're driving around this 190E like you're fucking sophisticated.

Everybody saw right through you, you know, second you got out of the fucking car, right? No, your personal belongings fall on the fucking ground, you know, some scale to weigh your product. I don't know what I'm talking about, but when I was a kid, all the cool older guys, the guys who were like 25, which to me was a man, you had a mustache, you had your own place, your chick was living with you, and you could fuck her whenever you wanted, you know, my ID is a 14-year-old. Dude, he lives with her, he can fuck her whenever he wants to. Not realizing, not realizing like the fucking, that he was probably looking at me, envious of me, go look at that fucking orange-headed, hairless-faced fucking loser over there,

he's got it all ahead of him, doesn't have any credit card bills, doesn't have some broad living with him, a bitch moaning and complaining about where he leaves his fucking neon green fucking sunglasses. Anyways, but when I was looking at him, they were the coolest people ever, and there was the Buick Regal, the Monte Carlo, and the Oldsmobile Cutlass, and they were these two-door coupes, and if you got the fucking teatop, you know, I love the guy that went down to the fucking, whatever auto parts store that the auto zones ate all up. You go down there and I remember people would get there, they'd put curb finders on them, they'd cut teatops in them, they'd get the glass tinted, the fucking headlights tinted, all this cheesy shit,

they'd get a custom license plate on the front, said like, Mikey! You know, and then you were the fucking man. If you actually had a CD player, and I remember that was the big thing, like, you got to like, it was an external thing. I remember this guy, I knew, he had a fucking Volkswagen Scirocco, which I swear to God, that was the name of the car. And he had this fucking CD player, and it was like, it was like an external hard drive, like you had to plug this cord in that then plugged into the CD that was mounted on the armrest between the two bucket seats, and if you even hiccuped in the car, the CD skipped, but it was still fucking insane.

And then of course you had to have your radar detector for the fucking Stadies, dude. And all of that is gone, you know, and back then if you got a cold, you put a little VIX vapor rub on your fucking chest and that was it. Now what do they got, huh? Jesus Christ, I mean if they could fucking, they could hold off the HIV virus now, you'd think that they could fucking, you know, do something about the cold, but you always pay a price. It's always a price to pay, you know, he's always paid, you know, he's the battered fucking wife of your organs as your fucking liver. Your liver always takes it, you know what I mean? You fuck up in other areas and then you take your medicine, right?

You're a scatterbrained lunatic, you can't get to sleep, so you take some Tylenol PM, and who pays for it, huh? Your fucking liver. How many times are you going to have your liver have to walk around with its eyes looking down at your fucking colon, you know? As the other fucking organs are going, what happened? I walked into the ribs. Is he making light of domestic violence? Yes, I am. I think that's the problem with this country, there needs to be more domestic violence.

I'm actually living in an era that someone wouldn't even look at that even remotely as fucking absurd. And in an era where fucking, I can't say the word anymore, people on like the internet will just take that clip and they try to get you in trouble. You know what I mean? Everybody's ratting everybody out, like, you know, I really looked at that fucking Conor McGregor thing. What was that guy videotaping it for? And then he fucking puts it up on the fucking internet and just gets this guy in all this fucking trouble. I'm not saying Conor McGregor was right, but like, who's this fucking, like, if I was there, I wouldn't videotape that shit. I would just be like, wow, glad I wasn't on that bus, right?

You know? I mean, that guy's the reason everybody on that bus is making fucking a zillion dollars anyways, isn't he? You can't every once in a while throw a fucking two-wheeler at a goddamn barbie jiffy at the fucking champ, you know? You don't get a little bit of leeway, all it takes is one fucking douche with his flip phone and all of a sudden he's down there talking to the cops. I don't know what I'm talking about. Guess what today is, everybody? Oh, it's game seven for the Boston Bruins. Everybody's freaking out and all this shit. Oh my god, we have three games to one. Who gives a fuck? All we gotta do is win tonight. All you gotta do is win tonight and no one fucking remembers. So many series that are three to one go to game seven. It happens all the fucking time.

I will say, though, as a Bruins fan, if I see or have to listen to one more commentator tell me that it was a stretch pass. You know, and Jesus Christ, that Anderson is playing so great for Toronto. I don't know why he does all that flopping around. You literally skate by the guy, wind knocks him off his fucking feet. Just shameless. Shameless. But I like the fucking Maple Leafs, you know what I mean? Despite their timidly cocky fans on Twitter who said absolutely nothing and now all of a sudden, you know, they're like meerkats. You know what I mean? When a fucking cobra comes around and they all sit there lunging at you and shit, talking all this shit as they back up, but they're not really going to fight and they're trying to appear bigger than they are. I got no beef with Toronto. You guys went tonight. Congratulations. I can get past it. I don't give a fuck, right?

I know that we're a team of the future and so you guys, this would probably be the beginning of a great rivalry. That's what we need. God knows because the Canadians are in the fucking shitter. I have this fucking guy that like, I can't remember how the fuck I met him. I was doing like a gig a long time ago and he drove us there and somebody got my phone number and this fucking cunt every year during the playoffs. What's up with the Bruins? They're not doing so good, man. One of those fucking douches. So I finally, I just finally blocked his number. I'm like, I don't get this. I get it. You fucking drove me to a couple of gigs. I got to listen to your fucking horse shit every time we're doing bad.

There's so many fucking cunty sports fans like that. And after almost 20 years of voting a cell phone, I finally learned how to block people. I love it. It's fucking love it. It's just like, you know, if somebody I used to work with in this business, fucking, I don't know what the fuck his deal was. He fucking started calling me and emailing me, you know, block over, you know what I mean? It's like you get to assassinate somebody without having to kill them and deal with the guilt. You know, I wonder if in the future when we're all just being watched by robots and every last thing you do is videotaped. So you can't do anything wrong. I wonder if they'll have to switch the commandments just so they can get somebody in trouble because nobody can do anything anymore. So rather than thou shall not kill the fifth commandment will be thou shall not block somebody on your cell phone.

You shall not assassinate them digitally. I'm sorry. Did I just float out a perfect premise for the next Blade Runner? No, I didn't. I did not. However, there was that movie that came out where people had to take a test and if, you know, when the world was overpopulated, those fucking cunts. Where the hell did you get that idea? God bless them. But you know what I mean? How about a tip of the cap? Anyways, sorry people. I'm just in a fucking. I've just had a headache for so fucking long. I did buy some bear aspirin.

I did that. Celtics, everybody. How about those Boston Celtics? How about the hot of the Boston Celtics? Fucking Milwaukee Bucks. This is the best they've been since back with like Sidney Monkreef. You know, then they got that white dude from fucking the Seattle Sonics. What the fuck was his name? Jack Sigma. But I have to be honest with you, dude. The basketball is so fucking awful that I'm watching. Did I even play in hoop? It looks like a fucking pickup game at an unbelievably high level.

How many fucking times can you throw up a three with nobody underneath? I mean, I don't understand that new little semi-circle there. I got to read up on it in the paint. Is it illegal if you don't have the ball as an offensive player to get under the fucking rim? When was the last time you saw a center post up and put his hand in the air and do a couple up and under? You know, little Kevin McHale action, little skyhook. It's all fucking gone. You just run down the court, little pass, and then the guy just takes a three-pointer. That didn't go in.

Or somebody does some and one shit to try to get around a guy and draw a foul. It's fucking, it's horrible. I think I thought the entire second quarter, I don't think I saw one pick and roll. You know, there's a reason that they did that for fucking close to 80 years. It works. I don't know why everybody's trying to do this globetrotter shit. Having said that, I love where we're going in the future. I just don't like the future of the game. I guess people got too big. Is that what it was? I miss the banging down low in the paint. You know, in that fucking old-school yard play where the guy's leaning against you, leaning and you stepped out behind him.

Like you pulled his chair out. He falls down. Then they'd stand up and get in each other's grills. Then the little fucking ref came up to their dicks and was trying to push him apart. I miss all of that. I miss it, man. I miss the way you smell. I'm actually going to be honest with you. I shut the game off. Because I was so fucking, because I fucking hate NBA hoop. I just hate basketball. I just hate how no lead is safe. It's like you're up by 40. You go in the kitchen and then you make a sandwich and it's like, the other team on a 38-2 run. Fall on the three-pointer. This could tie it up. It's just like, can there ever be?

Can you ever just have an easy win? I just felt myself getting ready to throw something at the fucking TV and I got a kid now so I can't. So I just shut it off and I just watched the score throughout the fourth quarter. And they won and I was like, good. I'm more of a hockey guy, obviously. And having said that, of course I have to edit some shit for Amphisa Family tonight. But I'll get to watch most of the game. It's only a game seven. I'm very excited for this. You've got to love a game seven. Even if your team is up three or one, who gives a fuck? You've got to love a game seven.

And here's the deal is if we lose to Toronto, that's my team for the rest of the playoffs because they haven't won since 67. And I think it's a high time that they get it. And it'd be cool to see Winnipeg get their first one. So those are my two teams. Those are my 1-Z, 2-Z. All right. So there you go. There's your fucking Bruins. There's your NBA and NHL. Hey, fever. Fucking talk for the goddamn week. Oh, you know what? I forgot to fucking mention. I started to mention it. Well, maybe I'll mention it after I do a little, I got one read for this week. I got one read for this week. All right, butto do me on these me on these get in the fucking paint.

Do me on these me on these throw it down to his taint, spin around and fucking dunk it. Stop throwing up threes. If you please, it's fucking boring. I feel like I'm at the fucking YMCA except people can't dunk. You've heard me talk about me on these and you know that I'm a big believer in their product. They just sent me another bag of underwear. These guys got to stop. It's just like I don't have a bladder problem. Okay, I get it. You guys make a lot of underwear. I have some and I like it. You don't need to send me some every fucking month.

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When you start saying that your underwear is made out of trees, we start thinking about it and split us in our undercarriage. You know, don't you hear about fucking fancy can't have kids. His fucking underwear was made out of beachwood trees. He fucking took him off too fast. He stabbed both his balls. He's got no, he's got no much is left because it ran down his leg. Kid you listen into the fucking story. The results have been downright dreamy. Me on these adventurous prints and designs are all limited editions. Yeah, it just I wouldn't even take them out of the wrap. You know, who knows someday somebody might want to collect them like action figures and new patterns are released every few weeks on a rolling basis.

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100% satisfaction guaranteed. Go to me on these.com slash Burr. That's me on these.com slash Burr. All right. So I've teased it twice. Let me see Liverpool football schedule. What do they play next? I was on the plane and I actually watched Liverpool Liverpool versus fucking Roma. And it was a fucking, it was a blowout. It was an awesome game. Liverpool went up five to fucking nothing.

Saturday, 4.30am. I don't, I just, I just don't fucking get how this shit works. They're playing Roma. Isn't that like Rome? That's the Champions League semifinal. Leg two of two aggregate two to five. Yeah, they won five to two. So they're going to play again on May 2nd. Is that because they scored five goals and Roma scored two? What's the coincidence of that? I just don't understand it because they were up five to nothing and then all of a sudden Rome, Roma scored a goal.

And then they scored another one on a penalty kick and then they, they were saying, and the announcers were going nuts. I'm like, what are they, it was like fucking two minutes left. Why are they fucking out? Like they're going to lose this game. I think there were some sort of tournament that happens at the same time that the premiership is being played. It's weird. Like that's the Champions League. And I think Liverpool, Chelsea, that's the premier, Premier League, right? They do it at the same, somebody for the love of God, somebody over there in Great Britain, somewhere around the fucking world, explain to me what's going on. Because I actually really enjoyed the fucking game. Dude, this guy, holy shit, this Egyptian dude who kind of looks like an Egyptian Judd Apatow.

Mo Salah, this fucking guy put on a goddamn clinic. First of all, he used to play for Roma, so he scores a goal and he does his big dramatic. I'm not going to celebrate. You know, which was more annoying than if he just celebrated because then he scored again. The first one was like a fight. It was like a lot of it's like hockey. He went fucking top shelf corner on the far side. I believe with his left foot and then a few minutes later, whatever he comes back down again. And he just in that one that the first one was a fucking blast. And the next one is nice soft touch right up and over the fucking guy, the goalkeeper, I believe for his second goal.

Once again, he starts praying, getting on his knees and fucking kissing the ground and doing all this shit like he's not going to have a threesome after the fucking game. You know what I mean? Like he's going to go fucking rescue a cat out of a tree. So I do take your junk out and shake it in the other team's face. You know you want to. And then he set up, he had two assists, whatever they call it, helpers, two fucking crumpets. I don't know what the fuck they call it. The guy had like four points if he was playing hockey, two goals, two assists. It was incredible. Then there was this other poor bastard. I think he finally scored a goal. He had a breakaway. He fucked that up. Then he was in what would be called the slot and he just fucking miss kicked it blasted it over the fucking net.

I think he spent more time on his fucking mohawk than he did on his fucking learning how to shoot the ball into the goddamn net. But there was seven goals. It was like the kind of fucking soccer game that a yet could enjoy. But I was stuck on a plane and we had a ridiculous headwind. I was like, I'm going to sit here and watch this fucking thing. And I totally got into it. By the way, Liverpool's fucking coach, his dentist should be fucking disbarred. He should have his license fucking revoked. You know, I'm sure it was the coach's idea, but if you're going to fucking go tan and you don't get your fake teeth whitened to that level. Jesus Christ, he looked like the plant and little shop of Horace except he had glasses on.

So anyways, I was really into it. So I guess I got a why is there so much time between games though? Oh, no, the next one's April 28. That's it. I'm going to watch fucking. I'm going to support Liverpool. I like the Beatles. Who gives a fuck, right? Like I got time for this shit. There's no way to watch it. Not all of a sudden want to have a fucking beer though. I will tell you that, you know, and I've been fucking Billy no fun. Billy no vice other than four hits a weed one night, which I immediately regretted because all it does is make me sleepy.

And I'm trying to become one with the world. I don't get munchies. I just fall asleep like a cat on a fucking windowsill. I don't give a fuck where I am. I'm going to sleep. You know, anyways, let's get on with the questions here. I still haven't watched that MotoGP. I know that Mach Mach has wanted when there was a big anticipation that him and Valentino Rossi were going to be fucking donkey kicking each other about fucking 200 kilometers. But he just fucking blew by everybody by the second turn. I don't know. I got to watch it though. I fucking love that sport though. Okay, emails for the week. I might have to do a little short podcast here.

Everybody in my fucking voice is fucking the shit out of me. All right, Belgium. Hey, Bill, would you consider to come back to Belgium in 2019? Please keep us posted. Absolutely, I would. I was only there for like 24 hours and I loved it. I was an ant twerp, I believe. Excuse me. Gross. Disgusting. Sorry. It has to be done.

It has to be done. You got to blow it out. I should have do a kid show sketch about having a cold. You know, you just have some muppet that's always fucking sick. And then the kids can't fucking say, touch the thing because it's sick. And then you make the muppet act all sad because it's lonely. And then when the kids come over because they feel bad for it, you chastise the hell out of them for giving into the weak emotion of love.

And you set them up for the real world. Fish starter pack. You know what? I downloaded one of their CDs. Their harmonies are amazing. The music, it doesn't quite grab me. They're incredible fucking musician. But they just, they, there's, I don't know. There's something, I want to keep listening.

All right. You're talking about a fucking band that sold out Madison Square Garden like 18 nights in a row or something. So it's got to be me on some level. You know what I mean? I look at fish the way I look at Beyonce. Like it's got to be me, right? I have to be the person that's when somebody fills up the fucking Rose Bowl. You know what I mean?

The second they say they're going to be there and you're like, yeah, I don't get it. And then at some point it's, it's you. It is you, right? I don't know. Dearest Billy breath, breath. I don't always say that. When I appreciate, while I appreciated the last fish suggests fish suggested of starting with rift.

It's a very specific album. Pretty ballsy of that guy to start you with rift. It's as if he wants to make it hard on you. Oh, okay. I like this guy. I like the other guy too. They thought I was smart. I like this guy because he knows I'm stupid.

All right. Yeah, make it easy, man. Give me the answers. You should download hoist. Is that how you say that? And as the last guy suggested a live one, then I'll give you something fun to work with. Again, I love rifts, but I also want you to have a fair shot. Also story of ghost is funky and Billy. Billy breaths is fun too.

Or is it Billy breathes? I'm so dumb and not to sound cliche, but have you seen dead and company yet? It's a really fun show and definitely worth checking out, man. Yeah. Those hippie shows. There's just such a vibe of insincerity at them that I can't handle from the crowd. Where everybody's just trying to like, I don't know. You know, like when you see a mom and she's talking to her kid in public and talking really loudly, some cute conversation and looking at you smiling.

It's like, will you shut the fuck up? Will you bring the volume down? I get it. Kids are cute. It's not my kid. You know, I don't care that the kid just counted to five. No, no, you have to sit there. You need to put this on here first.

Okay. And then they look at you and smile as they do the play by play of the kid putting a fucking marshmallow in its mouth. I feel like when you go to one of those hippie things and people are doing that, but they're kind of doing it, you know, to show like how everybody's, you know, this is like how society should be, man. Oh, and the fucking the body odor. I don't mean like, I mean, the cologne that they wear, whatever the fucking is just the the the the fucking douche gumbo. That's what I can't handle when I'm there. It's always fucking hot, you know, and everybody's wearing a sundress. It's just, I don't know.

I'm too much of a curmudgeon. Why I think we bombed Syria. Oh, good for you. Help me out here. Oh, Bill Ball bag. I believe we blew their chemical weapon plants up because they gassed little kids. Okay. Just a guess of what I read.

I think you overly simplified it. Some kids also died. But if we're going to start doing that, buddy, we're going to start bombing people because they gas people or bomb people and killed little kids. Everybody who does that is a piece of shit. I don't know how well we come out in the wash there, pal. Just a guess from what I've read, but you're not allowed to say that because if you do, that means you're an ISIS. You're not allowed to criticize anything and be like, what the fuck are we doing? But I do understand your fear of debt.

Love the cast and your work as unimportant as it may seem. We couldn't live without laughing peace. Okay, man. You got your sundress on there. Yeah. Okay. I understand that Syria. Okay.

What they did was horrifically wrong. But you know, shouldn't we have a lot more of our ducks in a row before we start police in the fucking world? Is all I'm saying. You know what I mean? If we're going to fucking bomb those guys because they gas little kids, that sounds good. But you know, at what point were they going to fucking shoot some missiles at the people who poisoned our food supply? That food supply that we're now trying to sell around the world and people like, you're not bringing that shit in our country. You know, they're saying that about our food, like France and India.

France is like, all right, but you're going to have to say what's in it. And we're like, no, we're not. We are. There's no way we're going to say what's in our food. What's up with that? And I got to try to navigate those waters with my kid, you know, and there's no explanation to it. There's no, well, listen, man, if you want to somehow make 300 people not starved to death, you got to cut some corners. Then I understand it, but there's, there's nothing.

They're not saying anything. They're like, shut the fuck up and, uh, and eat it. Um, you know, I don't know. The key in this world to making it is you got to make so much money, you could donate the politicians campaigns and then they just fucking leave you alone. And you can do whatever you want, like poison the food supply of a country, which if I'm not mistaking is a terrorist act. When you then become an evil doer, uh, dude, I'm fat. This is all shit. You can say it about anybody else, but if you actually fucking have constructive criticism about your own team, uh, you're immediately a conspiracy theorist or you're a socialist.

You know, I don't understand. I don't know when the fuck that happened, but it's brilliant PR. Um, so evidently I'm a communist right now. Oh, Billy. He's got a red beard. I mean, it's all right there. Probably jerks off to Stalin's fucking headshot every morning. How dare he want healthy food for everyone in this country?

Uh, hey, Bill, no fun. Hey, Billy, no fun. Love the podcast. I'm a fat guy totally agreeing with you. Fat people blame everyone around them, but I'm one that knows that I shouldn't be shoving cheeseburgers down my gullet. Yeah, dude. And that's the power fucking choice right there. If you start blaming everybody else and all this other shit outside, he has to change as you keep fucking chowing this shit.

That granted, I don't have a psychology degree or even know anything about nutrition as I trash what's in our food supply. Um, you know, you know, Kenny Rogers was the gambler on the hypocrite. Uh, anyone anyway, my question is, do you think it's worse to know that you are ruining your life and eating like a fat fuck or pretending like it's a thyroid problem or some excuse? Anyways, please come to the Bay area. I am. I'm doing a whole week of shows in May up in San Francisco or Reno because I missed you on the last one. Uh, all right. Do you think it's worse to know that you're ruining your life and eating like a fat fuck or pretending like it's a thyroid problem?

I think if you pretend like it's a thyroid problem is a good way to go if you're apps, if you had no power in this situation. Like, um, a lot of the shit that I allude to. You know, like our food supply and like I'm powerless against that. So it's something I will joke about. And then I quickly don't think about it because I don't know what to do. You know, you go down to a farmer's market and those kinds of infiltrated down there too. When you start asking the fucking hippie down there. Hey, so this is blah, blah, blah.

Where did this come from? And they start getting all fucking shifty themselves. And then all of a sudden you feel like you're an invasion of the body snatchers, you know. So, um, but I think the fact that you're addressing that you're the one shoving the cheeseburgers down your gullet. I have found that, uh, you know, the longest time I didn't think food was a drug. I totally believe it now. And Dean Delray put me on this. I guess it's a gluten free diet.

And I'm on this and I barely have to work out, you know, and quinoa is like this fucking. I mean, I got the food that I eat on this diet afterwards. I don't feel like, oh, I got to take a nap. I feel like energized. Even though I feel like shit right now, but, um, I don't know. And I was taking a multivitamin. Somebody shit all over that. It doesn't have enough of this enough of that.

You need to take this. It's just like, oh God. All right. All right. So, um, I think it's, it's well, look, if you're not going to do anything about being a fat fuck, it's going to be more painful. If you're just going to continue to be a fat fuck and not do anything about it, then I would lie that it's your thyroid problem. You know what I mean? You know, that's like if you put out something artistic and it doesn't do well and then you blame the left or the right or some shit like that.

Like I've seen with some movies and other shit. You can do that if you want. It's not going to help your next fucking project. The project of you. Uh, Navy training in Australia. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's the last fucking place I would be in the goddamn Navy is Australia. Oh my God.

What do you have to do to become a fucking Navy seal in Australia? You have to stab a great white shark to death after they cut you. They probably make you bleed before you get in the fucking water. All right. Hey, Bill, just watched at voice clip. I think that voice clip of you on YouTube about how you watch the two weeks in hell thing. I was in the Australian Navy and it was similar, but you got shit for not keeping your own. I don't know what that means.

Preface, this was before the media cared about all genders. We had big Bertha, which on the second day of recruit school, we were kept up until 2am. And we're only allowed a breakfast bar the night before they woke us up by smashing trash cans in each of our dorms. Right there. I'd be out. I'd be out. I'd be like, dude, fuck this. And I'd walk out.

They'd be like, good, you're too weak. And I'd be like, you're right. I'm going to a holiday and I want to thank all of you for protecting me in my eight hour sleep. All right. That we had to run downstairs and carry the rope called big Bertha, which was the equivalent. Oh my God. Of the old ship's anchor lines. And we ran for about six kilometers, 3.7 miles.

What the fuck until we were allowed to have food. After that, anyone that couldn't continue, we were partnered up with and had to carry them and big Bertha, shaming the people that couldn't continue. I couldn't do that. I couldn't do that. Dude, were they up on the rope weeping? Did they literally get broken that bad? And we event when we eventually got back to base, we were allowed breakfast and then had to go on with the eight hour drills and fulfill our duty watches.

Wow, dude, that is some psychological breakdown right there. Holy shit. The most fucked up thing about all of this. Hey, wait, dude, did you make it through all of this? Oh my God. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be me as your girlfriend ever said that to you when you're thinking about that big Bertha March? Was this okay? This was in 0203 and the Australian Defense Force, our military God forbid we seem aggressive.

Oh, you say defense force had instituted a policy where females could only be treated or ordered for so many hours a day. So handing AVs dash gas, helicopter fuel. So handling. Okay, helicopter fuel was only be performed by men because it caused impotence in women, but also men, but females could hold positions on the. Yeah, but they can also make a baby and they know anybody will fuck them. So your dick and your balls are expendable at that point. That's simple math. But females could hold positions on the the Hilo refuel team.

Well, that doesn't make sense. But when it came to actually handling fuel, they get volunteer males to do it after dealing with shit like being blamed because my ship couldn't get any new workers from land because the ship was a fucking grinder and being in charge of people. When I haven't even been promoted, I decided to just start drinking so much I got kicked off and it was my disbest decision ever. This is like a great movie spent my last year of my contract at a base in a rich part of Sydney, Australia, surfing in the morning and banging a few of the new female sailors that all over 21 he puts a parentheses that had never been to see. My proudest moment was when I was awarded the humanitarian aid medal because I build hospitals in Sumatra after the O5 tsunami. I spent days helping and building and the people of Sumatra were some of the most thankful and kindest people I ever met. What a fucking great story that is. Oh my God, can you imagine if you quit?

Like how tired you'd have to be how excruciatingly tired you have to be to climb up on that rope and be carried back 3.7 miles. I just have to go mentally with every step this humiliation is one step closer to being over. What do you say when you get off? Good day mate, sorry about that. Yeah, the fucking. Oh my God. I can't imagine what people said to you on the way back overrated underrated. All right, overrated New York and Los Angeles.

I've lived in both cities for over four years each. I love them, but I've also lived on a creek in Virginia and a farm in Vermont, unless you need to be in one of those cities just don't go there. I agree with that whole heart and you should visit them. Underrated Wayne's World. I never heard you talk about this movie. You should definitely rewatch this next time you take a hit man. All right, I'll check it out. I will definitely check it out.

I had an overrated underrated. Okay, you know what overrated these new fucking elevators where I got a fucking hit like 20 goddamn buttons to let the elevator know that I'm going to floor four. We can fucking compartmentalize all the people there when I'm the only fucking person there. You know that I got to take my key out and fucking run it over the scanner. I like the old school ones. We just got in you push the button. First fucking 10 years I was on the road that was that was the way it was and I never had that guy from no country from old men blow out the lock in my door. You know, it was completely fine.

I've been one time I stayed in a bed and breakfast in fucking Colorado with this dude from Germany. It was so fucking creepy because he was walking the halls at night and I was just sitting there and the whole light would be on and I was looking at the light and I didn't have a lock. Did I think maybe I had a skeleton key and I was just sitting there. Oh wow, I just remember my luggage. I had this ugly ass green like made out of cloth bag. Cloth and plastic that this guy puked on one time. Oh my God, remember that? Jesus Christ, I haven't been through a lot of shit people.

All right, let's tell the German one first. So I'm fucking I will tell the puke one. Now you got to close with the puke. I've already told that story and it's so fucking gross. I've been puked on twice in my life. Once on my head, you know, everybody in my family had gotten sick and we had this bathroom. It was a half a bathroom with no door. You were around the corner.

No privacy whatsoever. We lived in a duplex. Squirrels got into the walls. I had to scare them out and then my dad would kill them. You know, it was the 70s, 80s, you know, shit like that happened. So there was no place to. You couldn't. I couldn't make a Facebook video and shame my landlord, you know, or my dad couldn't do that.

You know, so you just had to kill the fuckers. I remember I had a broom and I was fucking shaking it, trying to get the thing to come out. And my dad was on the other side of this giant fucking butcher knife or a metal bar or something. I can't remember. And it was a metal bar. That's what it was. Like a big piece of lead or something. And he flushed that thing out and that fucking thing came running up the broom, up the broom handle.

I remember it's eyes were wide as shit. It's tail was straight up in the end. It's little brown cutie pie fucking ran up my arm and launched off of my shoulder. I went, ah, and then it ran into the half of the bathroom. And there was one way in and only one way out. My dad was in the way and he fucking brought that lead thing down right on the back of its fucking neck and just slowly killed the thing. And I watched him do it. So anyways, one time we were all fucking sick and I was in there finishing puking in the bathroom with no door.

My brother came running in and just ran and rather than puking in the fucking sink that was readily available. You know, we were young. So it was just like you puke in the toilet and my head was obstructing the toilet and it was like how low pressure goes to high pressure. It takes the most direct route, which is right through the airfoil and that's how you get lift when you fly. He used those same principles when puking into the toilet. And my head was the airfoil and every fucking puked on my head and I just freaked out and I was punching him as hard as I could in the stomach as he was continuing to puke. My parents came in, they were laughing their ass off at me and the kitchen sink was there and she just fucking dunked my head in there and fucking washed it. I was so gross.

So gross. So then the second time I got puked on. I was trying to save money and I was taking a bus from Manhattan to LaGuardia Airport and we were almost at my terminal. I'd taken the subway up to Harlem and then took the bus over the bridge. And this dude just got up looking all gray and he fucking projectile vomited and he hit this sweet old lady in front of me on her chest. And it was like the Kennedy assassination where the spray just went back except it didn't go to the left. It went to the right where I was sitting and it got on my foot, my sock and my lower pants and all over my luggage. And then he just stumbled off the bus.

And I was like, you motherfucker, and I wanted to beat the shit out of him, but I was broke and I needed the money and I had to go to my gig. I just glared at him as all I could do. And then I had to go in there, got off the bus and now people look at me like I'm an animal because I smelled like fucking puke. And I went into the bathroom like beyond Tourette's. Took the sock off, the shoe off, fucking, but I only had one pair of footwear. So I threw out the sock. It was disgusting. I had to wash off my fucking pant leg the best I could. My sneaker was soaking fucking wet.

I had one sock on one sock off walking in a squishy wet fucking sneaker in my fucking green cloth bag. I had wiped off all of the puke, but it was like stained and it had like the little fucking paper towel balls on it. It was so fucking gross. It was so fucking gross. And I then had to get on like a fucking flight to like Minnesota, just sitting there. Smelling of stomach acid. And I got off the plane. And I immediately went to a mall.

And I bought some sweatpants and the cheapest fucking sneakers and socks and I just fucking threw the shit out. And I bought a bag. But I didn't have time to do that before. Oh my God, it was a fucking terrible trip. What a fucking terrible trip that was. But you know, it's not as bad as what fucking happened on Southwest. It could have been worse. You know, that poor fucking woman. Jesus Christ.

That's the second time I've heard of somebody getting sucked out like that. You ever hear that fucking story? That fucking mechanic put the new windshield in on the plane. And they didn't use the wrong fucking screws. They weren't long enough. And they fucking flying like, you know, they're cruising altitude. So they got to be going four or five hundred miles an hour and the fucking windshield flew off and the captain got sucked out. But his legs got stuck on the yoke and he was outside the fucking plane.

And they were trying to hold on to him and the door to the cockpit got blown in and the guy couldn't slow down because it was on the controls. They somehow the stewardess has helped out, you know, in the air pressure, I guess, leveled off where they could move and not get sucked out. And they were trying to pull him in and they couldn't. One of the stewardess could see the guy outside the window looking at him and he wasn't blinking. And she goes, I think he's dead. We should let him go. Fortunately, they didn't. They ended up landing. It turned out the guy was in shock. Fucking nuts.

Just sitting there like catatonic. He got frostbite in one of his eyes. It was just, and this is what kills me is the fucking maniac was flying again in a couple of weeks. I think he still flies. I can't imagine. You know what the thing is, is what they really should have in the back of the plane is you should also have those shoulder harnesses. You should have that, you know, where it goes across your lap and then over your shoulder. So then if you sit next to the fucking window, God forbid, if the fucking thing blows out, you're still fine.

But that would be prohibitively expensive. So I guess what I'm saying is get the aisle seat. All right, everybody. Go Bruins and go Celtics. And I don't know, I'm going to go fucking take a hot shower and try to clear my goddamn sinuses. I'm going to do another podcast tomorrow and I'll be all caught up. All right, go fuck yourselves you cunts and I'll check it on you tomorrow. Oh geez.