Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-23-23

Episode Date: April 24, 2023

Bill rambles about broken car windows, the Dalai Lama, and umbrella girls. Butcher Box: Sign up at www.ButcherBox.com/BURR and get free Chicken Thighs for a Year and $20 off your first box when you sign up today. Zip Recruiter:  Try Zip Recruiter right now by going to www.ZipRecruiter.com/BURR  

You know, you sit down, you try to do a fucking podcast, you buy all the gadgets, you get all the fucking widgets, you get everything all fucking whatever, and what happens? What happens? There's still a fucking problem. Still a fucking problem. You know? But you know, if it wasn't for this technology, I couldn't sit here talking to you, you know? Play out in mainland China, out on the prairies in fucking Kansas.

You know, back in the day, I bet it was, by the way, this is the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, April 24th, 2023. This is what it's supposed to be, provided my fucking cell phone doesn't crap out like my fucking, I mean, I just don't understand, like how much more shit do I have to buy? I got a little camera on top. I got the fucking screen. I got a mouse. I have a keyboard.

I have a little fucking little who's in the what's over there and interface, right? I have headphones. I mean, everything indicating that I could record something. I have, I have, I have the internet. I could then upload it onto a site that my fucking producer could then take it from that and put it wherever the fuck it goes that you guys, I have all that shit. I have it all sitting right here. Yet here I sit.

Um, I mean, I just, why don't I just record it on the fucking cell phone? I mean, what, what is, what is the point? I wake up. I'm in a good mood. Wake up. Little baby. Wake up. Right.

I'm in a good fucking mood and I come out here and I'm just, everything goes to shit. You know, a lot of stuff breaking down lately for me, you know, my body fucked up my shoulder again. I'm finally just saying, fuck it. I'm going to get an MRI. I'm going to this doctor fucking Joe Rogan told me to go to like seven years ago. It goes, dude, he'll just still spin your blood and fucking, you know, uh, you know, stem cell or whatever.

And you're going to be like Lee majors and the $6 million man. And I'm like, oh, you know, okay, I'm going to try to do it. The old school way for six fucking year. I'm finally done. I'm finally done. I'm not, I'm not starting back again, doing the arm crawls up the wall and then I, I graduate to a can of fucking tuna and then I can hold the weight of my arm. Oh boy.

Isn't this exciting? Can I get a little more cell? Let me grab that. And then go back to the beginning again. I'm done. I'm fucking done with it. All right. I'm going to be like that cutie pie that ran track with the snaggle tooth there, you know,

and everybody's like, oh my God, you want everything. And then she's like, well, not really. And everybody got fucking all upset with her, but were they really upset with her or was she really just something that they could take the frustration of her own, of your own life out on? I never understood why people got that upset. Why, you know, I understand being disappointed, but the level of upset that they got with that woman.

I thought it was like, come on, the whole fucking sport is filthy. The whole sport is filthy. They're all filthy. And you know why? Because when you go all natural, you end up like me. It's fucking, your body breaks down. So I'm going to be bionic BB getting both my shoulders done. I got a fucking MRI coming up, you know, which to this day, you know, it's a, I still don't

understand why that thing is that fucking loud. Dean Del Rey's got a great bit on how fucking loud it is. I mean, it's unreal. It's like, it's like your head is inside a garbage truck. All right. So anyway, plowing ahead here. Oh, speaking of things breaking down. So I got my car fixed.

I had a problem with the driver's side window. The engine's fantastic. All right. She's a goddamn creeper. I've almost had that car. Seven years, you know, I'm not like these, these, these flippers out here that lease cars and every two years they get something new, you know, I'm, I stick with shit. I see something I like.

I get it. I'm like that. I'm like that with cars. I'm like that with broads, you know, and I'm like that with that Patriots helmet that I got in the early 1970s for Christmas and there it sits. Never fit my head. My head was too big for it back then. Probably not going to fit now, but you know what goddamn it, I fucking, I still have it.

Even though my brother broke it, you know, he's always break all my fucking toys. So he broke that thing and then he broke that thing when he was in his twenties too, like well beyond the time that he should have been still breaking my toys, but he did. And then I, I ended up ordering a new face mask. It's not the original face masks, but it looks fucking great. I've had that forever, you know, I get shit. I like it and I stay with it. That's what I am, you know, so anyway, my car, my car's windows are like my shoulders.

Once I get one fixed, the other one gets fucked up. So I get my, I get my car repaired and I'm old school. I take it to the dealership. I pay right through the warranties, you know, ended after five years and I'm paying through the fucking nose. I go to the dealership. They charge you three times as much, but you know what? It's Jaguar parts.

I can't confirm that, but I'm going to say it is, I'm sorry, Jaguar, Jaguar, Jaguar, Jaguar, sorry, I watched too many Bruce Lee movies growing up, Jaguar. So you know, the automatic window thing, sure you do. You know, you just click it once and it goes, right? So mine would go all the way up and then come back down again. So I'd bring it up and go, I was like, that's all, let me try that again. So I'm like, really? So then I'm like out and about in public and you know, I live in LA, you can't leave your

fucking window down. You come back, there'll be a homeless family in there, you know, one of them's a veteran who used to get cheered half time at football games, but now the country's done with them and he's under an overpass and all those same people that cheer, I'm now screaming at him to get a fucking job, right, when they're at a red light. So I don't want to, I don't want to deal with that, right? This is capitalism. It's every man for himself.

So what I had to do was I had to have the, I'd shut the car off, you know, but the battery will still stay on if you want to sit in the car for a few minutes. But the second you open the door, the battery cuts off. So that's what I had to use. So I'd shut the car off and then I'd go, zip, and then fucking try to time it where I open the door. But a couple of times I open it too late and still go, I'd be like, fuck, and I've turned my car back on.

People at the grocery store looking at me, anyway, so I finally get it fixed, dealt with that for like three weeks where I finally got a window where I could get it over there. I get it fixed, right? I go and I do a podcast interview with a huge fucking guest that I'm not going to name yet, but it's fucking huge. Let me tell you something, it's fucking huge. So I go over there, I interview this person, he was beyond, beyond anything, just interviewing him was going to be amazing.

And then he turned out to be at the greatest guy ever, right? He's now driving away and I'm like, you know what, I'm going to go fly. Let's add the day. I'm going to fly, go fly around, zip around on a helicopter, right? Why not? I've flunked everything in math. I have no business leading this life, you know? So why not continue leading?

That doesn't even make sense, right? So I get on the 405 and it's just jammed, you know, as they said in the Californians, it was jammed. And by the time I got up to sunset, I'm like, I'm not going to have fucking time to pre-flight it, get in the thing, zip around, and then pick my daughter up from school. So I said, fuck it. I made a right turn on the sunset. I stopped off at a cigar bar and I was like, am I, eh, am I, it's that, fuck it.

I haven't had one in over two weeks. So I pull in, I go down there. The same regulars are in there, right? And I come in, you know, making your way in the world today, right? Say hello, everybody. I sit down. They got a new cigar. I was so fucking smooth.

I enjoyed it. I had water. I get away from the soda. Everything's going great. I go back upstairs. I get in my car. I tip the guy at the fucking thing, you know. How much is it?

Here's another one for you, right? Oh, fucking Billy Goodtimes. I get in the car, it's hot as balls. I go to put down both windows, driver's side comes down, no problem. Passengers side isn't moving, but I'm hearing some noise in the door. And I was like, that's odd. Let me try it again. I thought the lock was on.

I tried all of this shit. Nothing worked. And I finally tried again and I heard something go down inside the door. Nothing happened. And then it goes like a half a second pause. And the whole window just goes, it just fucking dropped down. It just dropped down and then landed on an angle. So like the back corner was sticking up like a fucking glass shark fin.

And you know what I did? You know what I did? I burst it out laughing. Different for me. I didn't flip out. I just started laughing. Because sometimes it just gets to the point of like, what the fuck can you do, right? So I just, I just laughed.

I laughed and I was like, all right, well, I guess I got a fucking deal with this. So now my car, Jackie, as she's known, I told you, I gave her that name when my wife was jealous when I got the car, like, you know, playful jealous because she was when the things showed up and it was that, that fucking British racing green. I had the sick rims, you know, more rim than tire, just a total badass fucking vehicle. And you open the door and it lights up and says Jaguar down on the thing, like you walk it into a nightclub. I mean, this was some sexy shit in October of 2016.

I know that's all pedestrian now. I'm sure a fucking Prius looks like that now, but in 2016, this was the hot shit, as the kids say. And she was just like, I didn't, I didn't know you could order a car. I'm like, yeah, she goes, I just walked on the lot and bought one like a jacket. So I started acting like I was more into the car than I was her. So of course I had to give it a name. And I was just like, listen, I go, you can't raise your voice in the car.

Jackie likes a nice, you know, quiet ride. And she would just, you know, give, she knew I was fucking around with her, obviously. So anyways, but it's funny, my kids call the car Jackie, you know, so this morning the car was in the shop and my daughter's like going, she's going, dad, where's Jackie? I want to ride the school and Jackie, like she's, yeah, she's, she's getting fixed again. And Jackie's having some problems. So you know, but it's the second time I've had a fucking issue this quickly. So I, I laughed at it first and then I got annoyed and my wife was like, do you need

to like, is this like a lemon law thing? I'm like, it's just the windows. I don't know. I don't, the engine's fine. It's fine. I'm driving this fucking thing forever. And then I just started thinking like, well, wait a minute. Everybody else trades their cars in every couple of years.

I've had this thing six, almost seven years, right? So then I was like, fuck this shit. I just, I don't know how I just started looking around. And next thing you know, within five minutes on the internet, I was looking at a BMW M5 stick shift and I'm like, that's what I'm going to get. Then I'll be happy. And all I could think of was driving that car was so fucking expensive. I said, where would you take it?

Did he go down to the grocery store? I went, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking get down there. Then anybody who parks near you, you just have to be like, oh, oh. Every time you valet, oh, oh, that's what I don't understand about those cars. Like every time I see like a Ferrari, which really is the car, if you ask me, the car you want to get, I feel out here in LA, if you survive this business, you just have to don't go crazy. You keep your money, you know, you don't buy into any of the bullshit so you don't become

an arrogant ass fucking dickhead, you know, which probably failing on that. But you know, in the end, you know, when you made your money, and no matter what they do to you, you're still going to be all right. You know, your beard's all white. You got that leather Malibu tan. You know, your wife's got some fake tits and teeth as white as Eric Estrada. That's when you go out and you buy the Ferrari California. That's the car.

That's the car. All of those other Ferraris, if you're not on your way to the track, it's the stupidest thing ever. But the Ferrari California is the GT, GT standing for Grand Touring. I looked that up a long time ago. GT is basically, okay, this is the race car, but you're going to drive it down the street so we're going to make it nicer, more plush, heavier, but you're still going to have a nice fast car.

That's the fucking car, I think. Oh, is that what you think, Bill? Guess what? I think nobody gives a fuck. Oh, come on. There's no reason to be like that. You know what I did this week, and I was all proud of myself. I memorized everybody in MotoGP, their numbers, their teammates, and all I have to do is just

get the teams down because I used to know that a couple of years ago and then I got all busy and I missed a season and I came back and fucking Ducati for some reason now has light blue motorcycles. They still have the red ones, the factory team, but even then it's not the same red. A lot of shit changed, people changed teams and all of that type of stuff, and I had to go back and get caught up. I did that because I still have the program from the circuit of the Americas. I was just thumbing through this.

I just think that this is the coolest fucking sport as far as racing goes, so I memorized all of these, and then I wanted my wife to quiz me and she just laughed at me and just was like, I'm not doing that. I memorized all their names, all their numbers, and then their teammates, you want to see me do it? She's like, why would you do that? I was like, I don't know, because I like it. That's what happens when you do that to your wife, where sometimes you're just a dick to

be a dick. She ends up doing it back to you, but it ends up being funny. I'm looking forward. Their next race, I want to say is in Spain, I don't know if it's Madrid or whatever. I have the app on my phone, like I'm fucking all in, so I cannot wait for that. I'm still buzzing off of taking that Ducati around the track, but what has happened fortunately is I've calmed the fuck down as far as getting back to, you can't ride a motorcycle in California or anywhere other than a track.

It's too fucking dangerous with everybody texting and everyone's on a fucking pot cookie now, which I'm not saying that's necessarily, it is if you're driving, I guess. But anyway, let's talk some sports here. This is when all the ladies fast forward. The Bruins beat the Florida Panthers. Like I said, they would in game three, everybody got worried about game two and I said, no, man, they're going to come out and they're going to kick the shit out of them. They're going to fucking score like five goals.

I was close. They scored four, but then they let in two at the end of the game. I did not like that. I did not like that at all. I was like, we had them on the fucking ropes and we just gave them hope. If we shut them out for nothing, that's the difference between a series going five games and going six games. But little did I know that the Bruins minus Patrice Bergeron and David Cragi, we're going

to come out and they were going to win game, game four also and take a three to one lead. How about Charlie McEvoy? How all of a sudden becoming this physical force, stepping up, clean hits, letting people know they got to have their fucking heads up if they're going to come into our zone. He's had some great open ice hits. I've watched as much as I could with the kids and this was a Super Mario weekend. We went to Universal. We went on the ride.

We saw the movie, the whole fucking thing. You know, it was my daughter's spring break. So me and the lovely Nia, we went over to Universal, you know, it's fucking hilarious. I told this by the way on the live podcast that I did, by the way, if you didn't see it, I actually feel bad for you. I fucking murdered. I'm not going to lie to you. I did like an hour and 15, 15 minutes.

I'm half tempted to take the tape and just send it to Netflix and be like, here's my next special. I don't know. I was, I was, you know what? You know why it went so well? Because I was nervous. I wasn't nervous. I was going like, how the fuck am I going to do 90 minutes by myself just like winging

it and because I could do that just sitting here because I get to live in fantasy land that you guys are all laughing, finding all of this interesting. But when you do it live, we'll do it live. Fuck it. Right. When you do it live, you know exactly what's happening. You know whether or not you're killing or not. And if something's dying or whatever and, you know, if something dies on this, I don't

fucking know. I just keep plowing ahead. You know, it's when, you know, you're in front of a live audience and it's something dies. You know, you're almost, you got to address it, but also blow it off. So it doesn't fuck up your flow. Cause if you just start, your flow will get blocked with you thinking like, oh my God, it's not going well. They like me a second ago.

Now they don't like, it's my career over, you know, you just start catastrophizing in your head and you're not going to be funny unless you just sit there and talk about how much you're freaking out that you're not doing well, which would be funny for about 20 to 25 seconds. And then it's just going to be a staring contest. So I went out there and, you know, we told people not to use their phones or anything. So regardless of course, there's some fucking woman sitting there filming the whole thing. I say something to her.

She doesn't put her phone down. She just laughing, doesn't give a fuck. And I went off on her and then that just sort of opened everything up. And I thought I was an hour and 10 minutes in and I looked and I was actually an hour and 45. And like that's how easy it ended up being the, the, uh, Andrew Temelis, the questions he got was amazing and the troubadour couldn't have made it any easier. And all the people at the moment crushed it with the way it looked and all of that type

of shit. So, um, thank you to everybody around the world, the world, the world that, that watched it. And thank you to everybody that came out and showed up and bought tickets. I had a great time. So anyway, by the way, you know, some, here's somebody that everybody, you know, you know, everybody fucking hates if you're a Bruins fans is, uh, Matthew, how do you say it? Is it to Chuck, to Chuck, to Kaka Chuck, Matthew, to Chuck, um, why is the T there?

Nobody knows. Cause it's annoying just like he is. And that's why I love him. He's the best thing on that team. And how about at the end of game four where that guy starts some shit, not only gets his team on the power play, he gets our gold tender to fucking drop the gloves and take his mask off like he's going to fight him. And then he gets two, right?

He gets them on the power play and gets our gold tender taken out of the fucking game. I mean, I'm trying to, Claude Lemieux couldn't have done it any better. Although Claude Lemieux would have done something like career ending to the, to the fucking gold tender, but like, uh, I fucking love that guy, um, Celtics are up three games to one. And, uh, I'll tell you who I love on the Atlanta Hawks is that Trey young. That kid is a fucking beast wants the ball at the end of the game. You're giving the ball at the end of the game and he knocks the fucking shot down.

I saw what game did we lose? Did we lose game two? We lost game three. We lost game three and, um, like the Bruins, I saw it down the stretch. So I, I watched the Celtics, you know, make a heroic effort to try to win that game. And we hit a couple of threes and all of that. And he just kept fucking answering. Um, like that's a star that you could really build a team around if the NBA was more like

the NFL, but like, I just feel like that kid's going to end up leaving. He'll be on the Lakers soon. You know, those wine and cunts. This is my impression of every star player, the star player on the Lakers since magic because I'd have no problem with the magic era. This is my impression of, I need more free agents. I don't want to lead a team. That's too hard.

Get everybody else's best players and have them come out here. And then we'll dunk on fucking people coming off the bench and, you know, pose in front of the camera like we're in run DMC, the fucking NBA stinks. Um, they sold their soul. They sold their soul with that fucking gangster who passed away, who ran that league and fixed games. I'm convinced of it. I'm fucking convinced.

I'm not going to say his name because he's dead and can't defend himself like he would even respond to this podcast bill. Get out of your own ego. I'm just saying. Like they, what the Celtics and Lakers did accidentally, which was basically draft and through shrewd trades. I've said this a million times, but I'll say it again, actually made two super teams and they kept clashing in the finals and the ratings went through the fucking roof, through the

fucking roof, you know, you had the, the, the, you know, the two best players. One was a white guy. One was a black guy. It had, it was like boxing, the great white hope, all of this shit, all of that fucking, you know, propaganda and promotion. And they ended up passing all of the sports, even football, like nobody ever thought baseball was going to get passed. And in the seventies football started getting better ratings and then basketball in the late

seventies where it looked like it was going to go out of, it looked like it was going to go under. The league went from being predominantly white in like 15 years to be predominantly black and there was a bunch of racists that didn't want to watch it because of that. And then there was a massive, you know, the cocaine problem and it was the seventies and doctors were saying cocaine was no more addictive than caffeine, which is pretty fucking addictive, I'm finding. And the league got a really bad reputation for drugged up players, which they did have.

And then there was also like, not only they drugged up, you know, I can't do the sudden accent because everybody's racist. Not only they're drugged up. They're also black. We don't want to watch this blah, blah, blah. That's what happened. And then along came a guy named Irvin Magic Johnson and Larry Henderson Bird. Sorry.

I don't know his middle name, right? They came along, Magic Johnson, who just has the fucking charisma of a movie star ends up in Los Angeles, Larry Bird. Just picture him at a wedding dancing. The whitest fucking guy ever. And he's twice the size of an average white guy. He's like a double cheeseburger, a white guy goes to Boston historically, one of the most racist fucking places ever.

It was perfect. And then read our back and whoever the fuck was out with the Lakers built these teams around them. They already had actually, they already had Kareem anyway, and then they end up like having this massive back and forth, Ali versus Frazier from like 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, just kept fucking going. In the meantime, Jordan came in a league and then the Pistons were coming up, right? With their filthy brand of fucking, we can't really play basketball, so we're going to

beat you down to our talent level. Horseshit that they fucking did. Oh, did you leave your feet? I'm going to take them off from underneath you and act like, you know, this is some sort of strategy beyond, I'm just trying to hurt you and end your career. Anyway, having said that, I did like Joe Dumars, John Sally, and Isaiah Thomas, Vinny, microwave Johnson, I actually did like all of those guys. I even like Mahorn.

I just didn't like lambir. It's just like, dude, you're just out there cheating. Someone leaves their feet and you, and you just take them out like anybody, a guy in a crowd could do that to you and have you land on your fucking head. Anyway, they made all of this money and then all of a sudden, you know, then they went to Jordan and then Jordan leaves and then they're like, what the fuck do we do now? That's when I think they started fixing games. That's when I think they started fixing games and they just allowed, then that became their

business model. Well, in the 80s, we made all of this money. What was it because? Because these two juggernaut teams were playing each other. Okay, that's our business model. That's what keeps us on top, so we don't give a fuck. And that's why they allowed Durant to go to fucking the Warriors. I've said all this shit a million times before.

I don't even know how I got off on that. I'm like, seriously, I know I do this all the time. It fucking kills me because I love basketball. I love the way it used to be and everybody had a big man and a star fucking point guard and they just went at it as opposed to all fucking hanging out, drinking rosé and piling on the same fucking team, oh, Billy Oldman in the house, ah, all right, with that, my daughter drew me a picture today or yesterday. Oh, no, she actually made this thing when I was coming back from the road.

It was one of those things where you fold it and it has a picture and then you open it and it says something else. It said love in it. And I save all those things. Someday when she gets older and she moves out or gets married, I'm going to look at those and I'm going to cry. But till then, I'm going to enjoy the ride, baby. All right, let's do the reads for this week.

Sorry if I'm babbling, all right, because I really, I just did, I already did a fucking hour and 50 talking to myself. By the way, talking about that goddamn universal. My wife is like the king of getting the VIP. We are forever walking around lines. We are forever sitting in lounges and all that. It costs an arm and a leg and I'm always like, what the fuck? But then when we get there, I always look at our guy, you were right, you were right.

This is the way to do it. She goes, yeah, just let me handle this shit. So universal, the park, it's like Delta Airlines where you think you're in group one. You are in group one, but 19 groups are going to fucking board before you have to fucking planes on you. Like what the fuck? So we got these VIP things thinking that we were going to walk by all these sad sacks standing in fucking line and whatever VIP, we didn't get VIP extra special fucking, you

know, missing a limb VIP, whatever the fuck it was, mother, a veteran mother missing a limb fucking group. They were just like, yeah, this doesn't apply to this ride. And we're like, all right, well, I guess we'll just stand in line. It was two hours and 40 fucking minutes, dude, there was kids crying. There was no water. There was nothing. And then you were like standing in the sun.

Then you go into the structure, come back out, go back in, come back out. I mean, I don't even know what, I don't even know what. And it was like, when we were going back outside, they'd have these, these big poles, you know, holding the structure up and parents were sending their kids to stand in the shade while they went around the, weaved around the fucking line to come back around again to it. It was, it was for a three minute ride. I walked, we walked out of that thing and the whole time was sitting there and every

once in a while, like 12 people would just whisk by in this other line. And I'm just sitting there looking like, um, why the fuck didn't we get those tickets? And I was like, well, if I say this, she's going to get mad because I'm going to say she did something wrong and I didn't do anything to get this thing going. So I'm not going to fucking say, and I finally, after like an hour and 15 minutes, I was just like, when people walked by, I was like, I was like, what are those tickets? And she goes, I know, she goes, I thought that I had the VIP and I thought that that would get us past this line, but they said it didn't count.

And this is the thing too, we paid an extra hundred bucks for these fucking tickets. So we would go around the line and we showed up and they go, they're like, yeah, no, that doesn't count. You know, you can do that on like the fucking, uh, which is a Eastwick ride, you know, some ride that's like 20 years old, you can do like what you have works on that ride, but not the brand new shit. This is the brand new Super Mario world, which was amazing by the way. So long story short, um, we finally ended up getting in there and, uh, and we got on

the ride and it was only three minutes long and I was just sitting there going like, oh my God, is this like, cause like one of the kids, you know, we went with this other dad and he brought his son and at one point the kid was just like hanging over the rail, staring at the ground and he just goes, this is the most boring thing I've ever done in my life. And I was like, oh my God, this is a fucking nightmare. But we finally, we finally got on the ride and we walked out, you know, we went to the Simpsons part. I got a crusty burger and I just looked at my wife and I was just like, dude, I am,

I am wiped, all right, and fortunately our daughter was cool with leaving. We bought like a Super Mario t-shirt or some shit and we got in the car and we came home and I was thinking like, I mean, the car ride home was just quiet. My daughter fell asleep. Me and my wife just had like a six-hearted yard stare. Um, and we ended up getting back into like, we get to the house and, uh, when we get back, my daughter's grandmother, my mother-in-law was there and she was like, how was it? And my daughter just freaked out.

She goes, it was unbelievable. I was like, all right, thank God. Thank God. All right. And there you go. See, you learned something from kids. You stand in a two hour and 40 minute line, but still if you get to ride on the ride, it's unbelievable.

Then again, they have young legs, unlike myself. All right. Put your blocks, blocks, put your box, everybody. You know, eating out is fun, but there's nothing like cooking with butcher, but yeah, it's way better. It's way better. Tastes better. You know, it's cheaper.

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And I don't know what he does other than just smile with his eyes while wearing a bathrobe a pullover bathrobe. That's the Dalai Lama everybody, you know, something about him. He's got that cop haircut. Does he have a flat top my nuts as he got it pulled back like Steven Segal minus the ponytail. I just picture he's always smiling with his eyes. He has on like Santa Claus glasses.

And then he has all the he he has on like a karate gi but it's a pullover so now you know he's not going to kick you, you know, that's the thing anytime somebody has on a bathrobe. There's always that part of you where you're trying to see if they have on pajama pants. They have on pajama pants. If you have on pajama pants, you're not going to try to kick me if your pants match your robe. Okay.

I'm taking a step back. But it's also he's always sitting on his knees. He's just a chill dude. Right. Hey, Billy Red Balls want to know your thoughts on the Dalai Lama asking the kid to suck on his tongue what on video after kissing him on the mouth want to know my thoughts on that? Yeah. I don't want to look at that.

We have proper authorities that look into stuff like that. And for whatever reason, there's such good people that they actually do something about people like that. If that's what he's doing and they watch stuff like that, they then gather the evidence and then they have to go get this person. But me, fortunately, I don't have to like just picturing that. Anyways, thanks for all the podcasts and great standup. Please come to Dallas and go fuck yourself.

Well there goes my hoe. I just like fucking, I just, I just, I'm Bill Burr and I approve of this Dalai Lama. Is his name Dalai Lama? He's the Dalai Lama. All right. Hang on a second. Now I got to look this shit up. I'm just going to look up the Dalai Lama and see what, see what it says here.

The Dalai Lama, his holiness, the Dalai Lama, brief biography, his holiness, China's reincarnation monopoly has a Mongolia problem. Dalai Lama's abusive behavior, nothing new. Indo-Tibetan groups come out in support of the Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama on Twitter. All right. Well they've done a pretty good job scrubbing it off the front of the thing. All right. Abusive behavior.

The Dalai Lama is under fire in the media after video was shared of his inappropriate interaction with a child. Many people around the world were shocked to see this disturbing behavior coming from someone who was often touted by Western media as a holy man or even a social justice leader. Oh God, can any of them just be good people? Anytime any one of these fucking people, more times than not, but this morally questionable behavior comes as no shock to anyone familiar with the Dalai Lama's corrupt and deceptive history.

Oh, that just took, who says this? This is one of these websites, this is workers.org, including his having enslaved thousands of people before the revolutionary overthrow of feudalism by Tibetan people and his subsequent years as an operative for a U.S.-backed regime changed while on the CIA payroll, what? That has been politically merged with other parts of China, now the People's Republic of China for hundreds of years in some form or another, having been officially incorporated with China since at least the 1720s under the Zing dynasty, Qing dynasty. There was a brief period after the fall of the Zing-Qing dynasty when Tibet was recognized

internationally as part of the Republic of China, but look at what Tibet is, what the fuck happened to the Dalai Lama shit? I don't know. All I can tell you is that story is why I don't go to church, all right? You wait till Joel Osteen goes down, I'm going to call him Joel Osteen. You guys never corrected me and maybe thought I was just deliberately saying his name wrong, but I thought there was an L in there, Joel Osteen. The good news about salt, okay, hey, Billy Boldbody, I really admire all your efforts

to stay healthy. I like how you acknowledge that I'm not healthy, but my effort, you're trying, Bill. I wanted to share with you some information about Himalayan salt. Years ago on your podcast, you read an email about pink salt and its benefits over common table salt. The benefits include improve respiratory diseases, balance your body's pH, reduce signs of aging, improve sleep quality, regulate blood sugar, increase libido. Great news, right?

Well, as it turns out, there is small amounts of lead in the common pink salt, just distributed. Jesus Christ, I don't think I was ever going to get through that word, distributed at stores. I don't think I've ever seen that written, distributed, D-I-S-T-R-I-B-U-T-E-D. When you use it in a sentence, I can't even say it. Bad news, right? Maybe not because the amount of lead is below the minimum allowance. Good news, right? I'm not sure either.

Enjoy your day. Love the podcast. I know, right? What do you do with that? It's just every type of food. There's the people that sell it saying it's good and then the people that are selling something else and then they just trash it. She's a good girl.

She'd make a great wife and a mother. She's a whore. I know 12 guys she banged last weekend. I don't know what to do with that. Whatever. I mean, who gives a fuck? You're going to die. Just whatever color salt you want.

Have a good time with it, you know? I'll tell you, some of the behemoths I saw walking around that theme park, the fact that they were still alive, I know I'm doing pretty good. But that also doesn't mean anything. I know some skinny people that have just fucking dropped a heart attacks. That's a crazy world, mad world. All right. Umbrella girls.

Hey, hey, biker Billy. Oh, Jesus. I know what you're going to talk about. How do these still exist? Because nobody's watching MotoGP. I've been to too many MotoGP races such a great time. I worked for one of the beer sponsors and got to hang out on the paddock and in the broadcast booth, et cetera.

That's fucking cool. My question is for you is why don't they have umbrella girls for other sports like golf and swimming? Maybe more people would watch these boring ass sports. I'd like to something an umbrella girl in the on deck circle of an MLB game would make the games way more fun to watch. Glad you had fun in Austin and took huge balls to ride on the track with those maniac fans. Go finger yourself.

Jesus, what are we saying here? What was the question? I didn't want the fucking question was, oh, MLB is what I was going to talk about. You know, MLB games are down to an on average two hours and 38 minutes. The pitchers on the pitch clock now, everybody, they keep it moving. It's so smart. It moves right along. I fucking love baseball.

I don't need any umbrella girls. But like, I think just like car racing, motorcycle racing, and he's the sort of racing is always synonymous with beautiful women. You know, if there's a, if there's money around and there's a beautiful car there, you're not going to have to look too far to find an absolutely stunning woman. It's just, it is part of the world. And there's certain women that don't like that stuff and they're called ugly. Sorry.

It was an easy joke. I went for it. What do you want from me? I'm doing back to back fucking podcast here. I'm doing my own fucking Jerry Lewis, Telethon, a podcast here, podcasting here. By the way, parents out there, I highly recommend the new Super Mario movie. It's great. It's great.

That Pratt fucking Charlie Day, Sebastian does a voice. I knew it was him. Who else? Who else? I don't know. It's, it's the movie was just really done right. It's one of those things where it was great for the kids, also entertaining, you know, our daughter sat between us and I, you know, there's a bunch of jokes in there for adults

and I would look at Nia and we will start cracking up. And then afterwards, guess what we went? I haven't been there since the 2000s. My wife goes, Hey, let's go to the cheesecake factory. And I was like, Nia, you know, I hate that place. I haven't been in that place. I think in 15 years, she goes, I know, but it's like, it's right next door, but blah, blah, blah, blah.

So I was just like, I fuck it. And I went in there. They had their, uh, their beat in an avocado salad off the skinny menu, you know, it was good. Of course they brought bread and butter to the table and I ate a fucking loaf myself, but I did get the fucking, you know, I don't know, but it was the shit show that I remember. I do remember what was amazing too was the level that entire families are on their phones because I'm totally addicted to my phone and Nia told me like five times, come on, but

what did we say, no phones at the table and I kept going, you're right, you're right. And I would put it down, I would shut it off and I would find myself subconsciously picking it up, turning it back on to play this, this word game that I have on the phone. And I was just like, Jesus, I really got a problem. And then I looked over and there was this family, right? I think they were daughters or friends and they were like in their teens and they were literally eating while holding their phones, looking at them, kind of like the way back in the day you'd read the newspapers, you ate your coffee, you ate your coffee, you

know, drank your coffee and had your eggs. But what blew me away was the parent that was with them, the adult was also on her phone. And when I got to go to the bathroom, she was like playing some game and they weren't saying anything to each other and at one point they did take a selfie together. And I was saying to Nia, go, dude, look at that family, I mean, you think I'm addicted, you know, you know, that is, I don't have a drinking problem, look at that fucking person. And she goes, yeah, everybody's like that. She goes, and she could, you know, we're sitting in a booth, she was across from me, she could

see this other family. She goes, there's a whole family watching Coco Mellon on a laptop, which is a kid's show. And as we walked out, I saw that family, they were all watching it and the dad was asleep. Dad just nodding out. I'm not going to lie to you, there was a point though, I thought I was going to fall asleep when we were watching Super Mario and I'm like, wow, that would be like the most dad thing ever is to fucking go to a kid's movie and like the lights go down, you're like, oh my God, this chair is so comfortable.

It was the IMAX, you know, so we had like the fucking thing that lifts your legs up. I mean, they did everything but give you a fucking little shoulder rub. I was almost, it was a couple of times I like nodded and then came back and I'm like, can't be that guy. I can't have my daughter being like, dad, you're missing the best part. All right, best pickup line that changed my life. All right, here we go. Hey, skinny Bill, young lady.

I love when the lady's right in. Young lady listener here chiming in on my best pickup line that changed my life. Story time. I like how she's breaking this down. Story time, colon. I was 19 in my sophomore year of college and finals week was approaching as any horny stressed out teen. I wanted to get laid.

I met this guy at a Halloween party and we exchanged Snapchat info, corny, I know, not even my actual number. That's corny. That sounds like fucking Buck Rogers to me, which was a space show in the late 70s. If you're the person listening to this who wrote this, I was about to be like, oh, is that how the kids do it now? But she goes, but it never went anywhere. I was studying with my friend at the time, trying to figure out how to get laid in a

short amount of time. Doesn't it blow your mind that women think this way? They really made us think like they were like, ew, gross, get away from me. And you're like, why, come on, touch it. And they're sitting there wanting to get laid too. Who knew? Who knew? I Googled best pickup lines from a girl's perspective and hit him with this.

I know it's no nut November, but I'm trying to make you nut. I know it's no nut November, but I'm trying to make you nut. Oh, do people say don't eat nuts in November? Wait, you said that? Long story short, we've been together for four years and have started living together. Wait a minute. That was your opening line and that turned into a relationship. That is unfucking believable.

If I did the male version of that to a woman, I'd get slapped in the face. Oh God, why can't a month start with P? I'm trying to think what I could say the equivalent of that. No titties, there's no teen fucking month. Somebody knows what it is. Is there a C month? No. There's no A month.

Ass pussy, titties. Hey, I know it's no September, but could you fucking jump on my dick? I mean, that's basically, that's the male version of that, that's not a good one. Well congratulations. Anyways, the person she says, I never thought it would end up this way for us, but I don't regret it. For the guy who was asking for the best pickup line, just shoot your shot and have a little confidence.

You might miss, but you also might score. Wait, why are you talking to me like you're a guy? You have a pussy. You can just go out and get laid. What is the fucking problem? Your opening line could be, hey, who wants to fuck this? I like how you, you're really talking to me like this fucking grizzled vet. I like it.

All right. You might miss, but you also might score. So just have fun and you'll attract someone just like you. Nothing is more attractive than a man with confidence and a sense of humor. That's how I got my wife. I'm not going to lie to you. Oh my God, was she shooting me down? Love your shit.

Love watching you at Fenway. Wish you the best on your journey to a healthier life. Namaste. Oh, look at that. She's a yogi. I like that person. Yogi with a little swagger. Hey, shoot your shot.

Yay. You look confidence. She did everything but toss on my bald head. Yeah, that's how I ended up with my wife. She was just shooting me down and shooting me down. And I remember that. Oh God, what a fucking night that was. And then that other guy was trying to cock block me.

We ended up at dinner and finally I just looked at her and I said, will you at least split a cab with me? And she's trying to be like just difficult. Why do you want to split a cab with me? That's what she said. And I said, because I want to kiss you. And then she looked down and I knew I had her. That was it.

And every time I tell her, she goes, oh, get out of here, it's like I did. I did. You look down. That was it. That was it. That was great too. And then we got up to leave and she said, okay, I'm going to split a cab with you. And then the dude who was like cock blocking me at a fucking Olympic level actually said

to her, he goes, hey, he said to her, he goes, hey, where do you live? And she goes, I live up Harlem 110th Street. He goes, oh, I live up there. He said to her, do you want to split a cab? Like no one. I was trying to fucking bang her. He said that. And then she just goes, no, no, she goes, I'm going to, I'm going to take a cab with

Bill. And he goes, oh, no, but, but, you know, I'm right, I'm right on the way. She just said the guy's name. She goes, I'm splitting a cab with Bill. And then we were both staring at him and then he then he felt stupid. Oh, okay, cool, you know, because I was just, you know, whatever. So we, I never tell you the story. So then we get in the cab and where the fuck were we?

We're down near Houston and the roads were all bumpy. And we're in the cab and Nia goes, I thought you said you were going to kiss me. And I said, well, I'm waiting for a red light because it's too bumpy. And then we stopped at a red light and I kissed her and Nia's like the greatest kisser ever. And I was like, wow. And then we started driving again. And then the car stopped again. And then Nia said, it's another red light.

And now 20 years later, we're still together. See, so there you go. My little yogi Namaste person, I got a little game. I threw it out there. I threw it out there. And you know what, you know, throwing it out there, you know what that ends up with? Two beautiful kids and standing in a two hour and 40 minute fucking line, waiting on a three minute ride.

But I do it again. All right, pulling up a little short here, 55 minutes in. Go to the MotoGP app. Watch this race this weekend. Maybe get into it with me because I'm going to be talking about it a lot this year. I'm totally in, it's going to be in Spain. You can watch it online, MotoGP.com. You can get caught up, watch the first three races.

There are only 20 laps. You know what's great too? They got Moto3 and Moto2 before it. Those are all the up and coming races. And a lot of times those races can be just as good, if not better than the best one. You get three races. It's one of the best bargains out there. All right, that's it.

Go fuck yourselves and I'll check it on you on Thursday.