Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-24-12

Episode Date: April 25, 2012

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles with New Jersey's own Paul Virzi about sports, urges and a higher power.

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Trust your Instinct, follow your license. Information and information on bmw.be For Monday, April 23rd, 2012. And I'm doing it on April 24th. And I apologize for being late. I've just been a little busy. You know what I mean? That's not a conty thing to say.

You know what I mean? I could have just said, you know, I apologize and now I got to say I'm busy. So what? So I make you feel bad? You probably didn't feel bad, did you, you assholes? Anyways, this is the podcast and this week I have another special guest.

Cheating again this week. Making it easy on myself. All the way from New Jersey, ladies and gentlemen. The legendary. We brought you up a zillion times on this podcast. Paul Verzi. It's good to be here, man. Paul, Vinnie, Michael, Anthony Verzi.

What's going on? From fucking New Jersey. From New York. From New New York. And big time Jets and Giants fan, depending on who's winning. You know what's funny about that? People actually come up to me now and they were like, oh yeah, like some guy saw my name on a list to do a show

and he goes, oh yeah. He goes, oh dude, Bill Burr was just saying that guy just listed like, you know, likes any team in New York who's winning and stuff. And he goes, yeah, he's right here. And I turn and he goes, oh, you're Paul Verzi. Yeah, man, Bill Burr was trashy today. And I go, what do you say?

He goes, well, you're from Jersey. I don't know. I'm from New York and I'm a Giants fan. He goes, no, he said you were a Jets fan too. I go, no, he didn't. He goes, yeah, he did it. Yeah, I did. I know you did.

That's the exact reason why I did it. I did it. So people would just be coming up to you. Yeah, you do it on your podcast. Just make up some shit about me and then I'll have to deal with it. I did that with DeRosa. DeRosa, when I moved out to LA and he slid into my spot in the Opian Anthony program, the running gag was that I was upset

that he stole my thunder. That's the show didn't miss me. So I started calling him the Teen Idol sensation from the Opian Anthony program. And people started calling him that except he loved it. So now we just call him the sensation, which I think is one of the great fucking nicknames out there. Joey Roses.

Joey Roses is a great nickname. Nia came up with that. That's a great one. Joey Roses. He should be called that. That's what he should be called. Yes, it's fucking old school. So that makes me thrilled.

Thrilled that people are bothering you. The Jersey thing is sticking, man. You're getting me with that. Dude, you look like a guy from New Jersey. I gotta be honest with you. This is to give people a background here on Paul, Michael, Anthony, Verzi, whatever, whatever Italian middle name you fucking. It's Thomas.

My nickname is Thomas. My middle name is Thomas. All right. Paul Thomas Verzi is like, I can't tell you, he's been going off on how fucking awful New Jersey is like a typical New Yorker. What he does is he goes through the Lincoln tunnel and he drives to Newark Airport. He sees Ikea and some of those awful chemical things.

And then you start thinking that Jersey is less chemical things like they're not going down the whole term pike is less than. The air is horrible. The traffic is terrible. And the people are stupid, right? The landscape is disgusting. And the people are stupid, right?

No, no, I never said that. You said they're dumb. I never said the people are stupid. I said the crowds are a little dumb. You're going to pull back on the podcast? No, no, no, no. You're going to pull back now. No, no, no.

The crowds are a little dumber in Jersey. There. Just fucking say what you have to say. It's not even that they're a little dumber. They're just more like animals. Like, you know what I mean? They're animals. They're just like, you know.

I gotta tell you. You get more of that in Jersey. I am not biased. Okay. As a fucking outsider. Yeah, you are. There's a party. I can tell you.

Oh, I definitely hate New York. Yeah. But I hate New Jersey too. Oh, just as far as like their sports teams. I hate them. I wish misery on all you guys because you're a bunch of cunts. And the only reason I'm saying that is because I've been behind enemy lines, but anybody from Jersey or New York who went to be

you or came up and it's the same thing. When you're behind enemy lines, you, you hate. You thought you hate the Red Sox until you moved to Boston. Then you really fucking hate them. And that's what happened to me. I lived in New York during that whole curse of the babe thing. And then we fucking finally beat you guys. And now you, you run and hide.

His fucking Pete Corrielli says, you all ran and hid. Oh, no, I'm happy for you. I'm happy for you. See you later. Everybody fucking ran out. Right. So, but I'm saying, but I equally hate all of that. So being unbiased, dude, I cannot tell the difference between

New Jersey, a New Jersey crowd, a fucking upstate New York guy like you and fucking Long Island out in governors. It's all the same. Oh, no, no, no. I think the crowds, I think the crowds can be both good, but I think they're smarter in New York. I do. I remember one time Mike, these two finals on stage and he go,

he did a joke and it didn't go. It's something happened in Jersey. He goes right over the fucking bridge. He was just comparing us right over the bridge. I know I'm not saying that they're not more suburban. Absolutely. But Paul, if you think that you're somehow smarter than those fucking jackasses in New Jersey, just from where I'm standing,

I don't see the difference. I really don't. That's ridiculous. You guys all do the same thing. Oh, whenever you eat into a sandwich and you like it, you fucking drop it for half a second. You look down the street like, oh, taste the fucking boogie boogie in that thing. It's all the same fucking guy to me.

Oh my God. I'm breaking you. But you can tell me you don't go to Boston. It's not a bunch of fucking freckled face guys with clatterings. Oh my God. Fucking socks, dude. Oh my God. Terrific.

Yeah, my friend Sean. I'm not defending it. I'm not defending it. I'm not. We're angry fucking psychopaths. We are. You have deep rooted hatred for New York because you were hurt by the Yankees. Okay.

Here's the problem with you. You hate the Yankees more than we've had great discussions about sports. Yeah, I absolutely hate the Yankees. And as soon as the Yankees come up, I've seen a sport. I've seen you go from a fun, loving sports conversation to a Yanke and all of a sudden you just get evil. Because you guys, you just buy your way out of every fucking problem. Right, but that's not my problem as a fan, Bill.

I'm not saying it is your problem. I'm saying why I hate it. Stop making it about you. It's about my hatred of the fucking Yankees. And all those stupid fucking songs if I can wake up and all the losers in New York walking around, fucking eating pizza, slice of pizza next to the Met and your fucking sweat pants. You know, a fucking piece of work in there. But they think they're a part of it.

That's what kills me. The amount of people in New York live like fucking animals. And I know, dude, I live there. I fucking live there. I was sleeping on a futon at fucking 34 paying 1400 bucks a month in a fucking studio apartment that they slammed a wall into and fucking told me it was a one bedroom until the night I went upstairs. I met the girl upstairs, right?

Yeah. And I fucking went up to her apartment and she had the exact same unit right above me and it was a fucking studio and she was paying way less than me in a city that doesn't sleep. I love New York. You got to admit New York's great. Oh, it's the Paris. It's the Paris of the United States without a fucking doubt.

I think it is our best city. But the amount of people who are in New York and who just think that they're winning just because they're there and they're not. And if they would just move across the fucking river into Jersey and not live like a fucking animal, they could just be as dumb. They could still wear their sweat pants. There's good pizza out there, but they don't. You got to be like near all these things that other people are making money on so that they

can feel like, you know, come on, dude, you walked if you walked into one of those Trump towers, they spit on you. They throw you right out on the street. That's hilarious. No, man. They brainwash you after every fucking Yankees game, win or lose. You guys walk out. I see you walk out on air.

You're feeling good about yourself. Yeah. I mean, listen, I'm happy. I'm happy I lived there. I'm happy to tell you, you know. No, no, no, absolutely. I know I'm not saying no. And I'm saying it's awesome.

I love it. I just hate the fucking Yankees. I don't even hate the Rangers. And I love the Rangers coach. I actually really like the Rangers. I like the Rangers. I like the Islanders. I like the Knicks.

I like the Mets. And you like the Giants. And I actually like the Giants. I like Giants. I love the Giants. I love how their defense first. I love, you know, I like the uniforms. I love how they went back to the old Frank Gifford.

No, the Yankees ruined you. Yeah. That's the one thing that I noticed. It wasn't the Yankees. It was, it was how it was also reading the sports page and just the fucking pot shots they'd be taken. These, because I was reading the Dan Shaughnessy's of New York, just taking these stupid shots and, you know, because they're just trying to sell papers because they're fucking lazy.

And all they got to do is trash the Red Sox, right? Dude, was that you who said Dan Shaughnessy brings baseball into everything, no matter what he's talking about? So that's what I love about that guy. That guy, that guy, he has his hustle and he sticks with it. If he was talking about the Bruins last year and he's just everybody, like everything was a Red Sox reference. Milan Lucic, like the Grady Little of the Boston Bruins.

Yeah, I was on the train with him once. It was after you guys won it, I was just sitting there drunk. It was funny. It was drunk New Yorkers. You guys won game one of, it was, it was 03 or 04. Mike Massina lost the game. Oh, it was 04. We lost.

We lost the first three. Let me just remind you, we lost the first three and then somehow you guys lost four in a row. Biggest choke ever. Biggest choke ever. As far as like, you know, four or five first ball at Hall of Famers, $250 million. You know what, listen, I have to take that responsibility. That was the worst.

I know you do. That's like when you fuck up in a game and then afterwards you talk to the meeting going, I take full responsibility. We know you fucked up. Just sit there and listen to me say it. Yeah, could you have it? No, it was funny watching Dan Shaughnessy's face on a subway in New York City with drunk Yankee fans who just saw their team lose game one of a big playoff series.

And I was sitting there next to somebody and I'm going, oh, fuck this dude. We're going to go and he was just sitting there kind of just like looking around with his eyes and his froey hair and he's got that, you know, that little boy Irish. He's got to watch out now because he's on ESPN. Now he's not, he wasn't as well known back then. So yeah, he was down there covering it. His whole angle was the misery of Red Sox fans. So when they finally won, like his hustle was over, he didn't know what to do.

And I remember in 05, the Red Sox were in first place and we started, we started to fade in September. This is 05, right? And he wrote some article, is the curse back? And it was like the curse of what? Fucking 11 months ago? Oh yeah, because you guys got a thing with, you guys got a thing with fade in September. How'd last year end up?

Worst collapse ever. How'd that work out? Well, if we didn't win fucking nine championships in all sports, that would bug me. You know what's great though? That's all you got. You used to go back to 1918. You had to go back, you're giving me shit about September in 2011. Listen, Paul, this is what I realized and this is what the Red Sox failed to realize.

That in life, there are ups and downs. No matter how much money you spend, because I'll tell you, I abandoned the Red Sox sometime in 2007. I didn't even watch that World Series because at that point we became you guys. We're just trying to buy it every fucking year. It's disgusting. Major League Baseball, it's fucking awful. You guys at Walmart, we're fucking like CVS. You know what I mean?

I don't give a fuck anymore. I honestly don't give a shit. And I remember I went to a Padres game, beautiful stadium down there and there was nobody there. And I went there to the game with my mother and she was looking. Nobody in the stands. She goes, oh my God, she goes, this is a sin. This beautiful ballpark. It's not filled.

And I was trying to explain to her. It is a sin. I was trying to explain to her though. Dude, we took the only fucking reason to go to the game that whatever their first baseman is. I don't watch baseball anymore. But he was the guy. He was their fucking cheater. And we bought him.

Now there was no reason to go. I was at that Gonzalez guy you got. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I don't watch baseball. Baseball is, I am way more interested in my New York Knicks. I am way more interested in other sports because I mean, I can't watch it. Well, I, I, I'm a cheater.

Cano. You know, it really is. It did get ridiculous. You can watch Cano. Cano. Cano is your boyfriend. No, no, no. Cano is my favorite baseball player of all time.

For those of you guys who never listen to this podcast, Verzi has a fucking man crush. No. I just love how you hate that because you're fucking so homophobic. No, the word man crush is so ridiculous. It is ridiculous. And you know what happens? Your eyes always get squinty and you get upset.

And that's why I say it. This is why I like Robinson Cano because dude, I fucking called it. That's why. You listen to this. It is a classic Paul Verzi call. No. Classic Paul Verzi call. You call blue chip prospect and the Yankee system.

I'll tell you, I got a hunch on this kid. You're telling me he sucked all the way through fucking baseball. He sucked, right? And that's why the Yankees brought him up. Hey, you know who else Paul called this year? Cam Newton, the Heisman trophy winner. Dude, I got a feeling about this guy. Yeah, but every Heisman trophy winner usually shoots the bed.

You're the worst. That's all I'm saying. No, no, no. Paul, you call everybody. You call blue chips and then. No, no, no. But Robinson Cano, I'm never going to give you. I'm never going to give it to you because I.

Well, I'm not accepting it. So go fuck yourself. They were like, oh, they're going to trade them to the twins. All my friends are this guy's just coming up because, you know, he's just coming up because we need a second base right now. All these guys that you can't bring in here is evidence. They all disagree with you. He's a Hall of Famer.

Paul, I never looked at the guy like he was a bum. I never did. I don't understand why you. This is the worst thing. Like Paul does that shit where he starts a sentence three fucking times. So anytime he'll call me up. Like he made me hate this guy and I don't even watch baseball. He calls me anytime he does anything like a fucking eight year old still

collecting cards. It'll be like, Bill, you watch the Yankee game tonight. Oh God, you missed it. Dude, Robinson Cano. Robinson can do Robinson. Cano came up. Lace the double brings in Jeter. Oh, you always do that.

Oh, that fucking joy in your voice. And it just drives me. I made you hate. I made you hate. Yeah, you made me hate him. I know, but I will tell you this. You know, it's funny. I was like, when we first started arguing Yankees, I would go,

I would go, Bill, you're crazy. I would go, the payroll doesn't mean shit. You know, it doesn't mean other players want to go. And all of a sudden we got like to share and then we got like you already had a rod at that point. It was ridiculous. And then after a while, you know what? I got a look.

So this is how I look at baseball. You cannot buy a championship. All right, but you can turn making the playoffs into a layup. And this is the deal. You can miss a layup like the Red Sox last year. Anybody can miss a layup. And like the Brewers, you can you can hit a half court shot. But generally fucking speaking, if you look at the American League East,

it's been Yankees, Red Sox every year to the point unburned out. Like, dude, I used to get so fucking amped up for those games. And part of it is because we want a World Series. But I got to be honest, dude, when you haven't played each other 50 times a fucking year, and they're always in first place, always in second place. It's like watching a comic who's on 10 the second they get on stage. They're screaming like they're doing their closing bit for the first 12 minutes. You're exhausted.

You're like, all right, I got I got I got listening to 50 minutes of this. I can't listen to that anymore. I actually think the baseball season is just long and drawn out. Like I could really give a shit until August, September. I think it's a hunt. I think it's too long. I'm bored to tears. I think baseball, the older I get, the more I think baseball sucks.

Oh, really? Yeah, I still think it's a great game. I watched Kansas City of against the A's the other day, and it was like a rain delay and there was nobody in the stands. And I loved it. I'm a grumpy old man. Dude, I gotta tell you something. When we when we were at that Laker game and we were watching that, I just said to myself,

this is fucking awesome. Basketball is fast paced. You know, good passes. It's the shit until the end until the end until the end until the end. Well, you don't like the bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb. Oh, anytime, you know, during the whole game. Yeah, they do that. You know, that's just to get the crowd pumped up and stuff.

But yeah, but what kind of fucking loser fans do you have that you have to have a height, man, the whole show. That's true. Bomb, bomb, defense, bomb, bomb, defense. Dude, back in the day, you used to judge the fans by what they chanted. You can still kind of do it like the way flyer fans chanted when they went up three games to none against the penguins. They just spontaneously started chanting, you can't beat us.

It was fucking great. Now that says a lot about your fans is like a personality. There's a character to that. But like you go to a fucking Laker game and it's they have like a DJ. They even have like they have a fucking nightclub. I sat up there for like a king's game. It's a stupid shit. In between periods, they start playing like music and there's like chicks dancing.

It's the stupidest fucking thing ever. Yeah. But like basketball, I like the only thing I don't like is in the end, there's I just don't like how it's this war. And then in the end, I watched them take unguarded shots to win the game. It's like anti climatic and then time out, time out TV. Oh, they got that was a good file. They had a file to give.

And then they stopped the clock. And then the worst is when the other team has already lost the game and just to be cunts, they call time out again. Yeah. And you're just delaying the inevitable. And you feel like a landlord trying to get some piece of shit out of the apartment. Yeah. That makes sense.

But they got, but they got to hit the shots. That's the one thing about it. You got to hit the foul shots. You know, I know, but it turns into golf balls. It's like a guy lining up a putt now. Yeah. You know what I mean? It gets drawn out.

It gets drawn out, but I'm such a sports. I'm so nuts with sports. I don't get how like, I, you know, there are some people like, I like it quick. It's in and out. I'm like, why? I got to tell you hockey starting to do that hockey. This is the thing about hockey that you get one time out of game. I think you do because I've watched it for 30 years.

They never used them every once in a while. They call a time out and the coach would just be sitting there with a rolled up program screaming at guys. Just be, we would just take a time out because he couldn't wait to the end of the game to tell the team how fucking disappointed he was with the way they were playing. And that was the time out. Now I'm finding at the end of the game, they're starting to call timeouts at the

end of the game and it sucks because that like, that's what I like about hockey. I like how it just keeps moving and people, they get involved in like the scoring and everything. And I totally understand that hockey is a very difficult game. If you didn't grow up with it to get into, it's a very difficult game to watch on TV. But once you fucking understand it, it's the best. Dude, that Flyers Penguin series was the shit.

Dude, you want to talk about fucking animals? Okay, you know I'm not a big hockey guy. I love the three major sports. Maybe it's because I grew up in New York. I'm not a hockey guy. It never was. It's a fast game, Paul. It takes a certain level intellect.

My uncle took me to an Islanders game years ago. But this shit, this playoffs, it's like fucking MMA on skates. These guys are fucking barbaric. That shit, that highlight game I saw against it was New York and Ottawa when the guy just came up and it wasn't like, you know the typical fight where they wait, they look at each other, the officials know it's going to go down, gloves come off and they get, it wasn't that. This dude just came up and basically you could tell, you could watch as he skated,

he mentally just tapped out of the game and said it's fucking, it's done, fighting this guy. He came over, he just started fucking teeing off on this guy, benches cleared and I just saw blood and guys just looking to hurt somebody. And I've never seen that. It's hilarious. That's what kills hockey is because those are the highlights they show. Like, you know what?

What's his face did there? Meta world peace in the game we went to where he threw the elbow. It's so stupid. I love all that. No, but the fact that people actually call him that. I love that. Oh, I mean meta. You got it.

You got to go Kosell on that. Like how Kosell would say Ali and everyone's going cash his clay. You got to go meta world peace. It's just, he's such a nut job that it's fucking beautiful. You know what? It takes me back to when I first started watching the NBA and that guy world be free was in the league. I think I don't want to slander the guy, but I think he had some issues and then he came

around and and then he changed his name to world be free. That's great. He went bald the way old school people went bald where he didn't shave the sides. You know, black guy, he had the John Amos thing going on and he played for the Cavaliers by the time I was watching him. I forget who he played for before that, but he was a guy who I may be confusing him with Maurice Lucas as far as like his background. I can't remember if he had the same recreational issues, but like to the NBA in the late 70s

right before bird and magic came in was this weird time when they basically they'd merged with the ABA ratings were so fucking low. They had the first of all, they had a major drug problem because that's when cocaine around came around and they came up with the brilliant thing saying that cocaine was no more addictive than caffeine. It was kind of a rich person drug and yeah, and everybody got like everyone football Hollywood Henderson, all these guys. So there was a bunch of guys who had fucking cocaine problems were in the league and white

people were still getting used to the fact that black people own the sport and that it wasn't coming back, you know, anytime soon. It was it was fucking over. All of a sudden, Dr. J brought the game above the rim. Once it was above the rim, it was over. All you could be was set, set shot Johnny or a good fucking pastor as far as a white guy, which is something I think I've talked about in this podcast is how whenever we go to an NBA game, we have that inside joke.

When the white guy screws up, we just look at each other and we go fucking white guy, the best fucking white guy. The best is when we went to Portland, we went to Portland and the guy did it and in unison at the same time. Yeah, you said what did he do? He missed a dunk like he was like a wide open layup. It was just something that was absolutely so horrible and just such bad. And he looked horrible doing it.

He looked horrible doing it. And you said you mentioned this once before, but we looked at each other and it was in exact same time. We just go fucking white guy. Fucking white guy. Get him out. Get him out of there. Get him a clipboard and some fucking long slacked set of suit or something.

He looked bad. It was something easy. It was something that should have been terrible. Terrible. We're off. We don't even look good. Even the good guys don't look good. Does Dirk Nowitzki, does he look good?

No. We were talking about if we did a Larry Bird, did he look good when he did the things he did? He didn't. It just went in. Well, no, but Dirk's like, there's certain guys with unacceptable faces. That's why I was thinking about the website on the unacceptable faces and sports.com or worst faces and sports.com, which we were talking about yours.

Yours. Who's the ones you hate the most? Oh, Scott brochure. Sonny Yankee's third base is one of the worst. Who did you hate on the Red Sox? We just trade him to the Philly's. Oh my God. There was nothing worse in sports.

Nothing. Than that fake, like hardcore, intense look in that Jonathan Papel. I love how you had to say, say fake. Because you knew he was striking out your player. He made his lips kind of come together and he looked in like, yeah, his lips came together and he had the thing and his eyes came down and he just stared and then he did the thing and it was just almost like, okay, the big, the big dramatic, oh, it was the absolute worst.

Pedroia's face is a little unacceptable, but he actually tries hard. So I liked that guy. But what do you think about Reggie Miller's face? Tries hard. The MVP. The Cano's never done. It's kind of easy to be the MVP when you're fucking nestled in there between Jeter and Tashara and A-Rod.

Oh, yeah. Gee, you're seeing a lot of pitches. Dude, Robinson Cano. Robinson Cano. Dude, Robinson Cano. Oh, you hit a single. No, do you think we were talking today about Reggie Miller's face? Does Reggie Miller have an unacceptable face?

No, mine would be Tashara. Tashara's got it definitely. Tashara. I don't know what it is. When he's in an interview, he looks intelligent. When he's out in the field, he looks intelligent. The second that bat goes above his head, he looks like some extra on fucking the Andy Griffiths show.

Oh, he does. He looks like he's having a hard time thinking. He looks like he's going to puke. Zero IQ is what he looks like. I don't know if he shuts his brain down and just be the ball. See the ball, be the ball. I don't know what he's doing, but he just looks like, door. I think Dirk Nowitzki's got an unacceptable face in sports.

He would be on the list. I don't know how high he would be, but he's got an unacceptable face. Who did you say was worst and brocious? You said somebody was worse than brocious. Oh, going through the years as far as awful faces, Danny Ainge, as far as his, oh, Paugasol. Oh, when Paugasol, when they call a foul on Paugasol, oh, that's the worst thing. He's got an unacceptable face too. You would think that somebody just said, yeah, listen, Pa, your career's over.

You're not making any more money. That's the face he makes like nothing's worse than an athlete that is good and just ugly. And every time you see me like Larry Bird wasn't a good looking man, Bill. Yeah. Notice you hate all Boston guys. No, no, no. They crush you guys. A lot of their faces are unacceptable.

I never found any of the next faces unacceptable. I love their look of defeat every time we played them in any major game. Dude, are they ever going to win a championship? This is one thing I got to give you shit about. You got to admit at this point, you can say it very least, New York definitely has a problem with crowning people king and giving them ridiculous nicknames before they've done. They have like five. Like Lynn Sanity.

You can add that to San Chai's man genius Godzilla Godzilla was great though. I like, I like the name Godzilla, but Godzilla Godzilla because he dominated the Japanese league, which at this point I'm starting to think I could play over there. The fact that Valentine won the World Series, all those Japanese players who've come over there and all of them at best, they're fundamentally sound except for each row and they all come over here like dice, Kay, the gyro ball. What's his face? Matt Sui coming over Godzilla.

He's going to hit 800 home runs. You know what dude? They don't. No. Okay. They're trying to act too. No. You go to the Dominican Republic, Republican, Republican, the Dominican Republic.

That's where you go. That's where it starts. Yeah. That's where Robert's a canoes from. That's where. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

And you called him. It's amazing. I can't believe that. That and Cam Newton, dude. I don't know how you figured that one out. The thing was. Who would you disagree with that guy with the game show host here on ESPN? No, no, no.

A lot of, a lot of Heisman trophy winners coming to the NFL and their busts and you know that they're fucking busts and everybody. I do. I do know that, Paul, but I also know that you, you, you first of all, every year you call 20 things. You like the guy who, who you bet you bet show place to win. You fucking bet everything. You go everything straight across the board and then at some point you're going to have

a winner. No, no, no. No, no, no. See you. This is what this is. Because you're really fucking bugging me. You're the one. You were with all those clowns on ESPN telling me that fucking, that fucking, uh, that Peyton

Manning was better than Tom Brady when, when Peyton had zero rings and fucking Brady has three. I was, I was definitely wrong about that. You talked me out of that. Okay. I'm admittedly way too harsh on that guy, but the unbelievable level of fucking disrespect Tom Brady got. He had three fucking rings and they were still going, but dude, I gotta tell you, you know,

I gotta tell you, if I got to start at fucking guy, but blah, blah, blah, and all these stupid cult fans this year who said the cults go in fucking all in 14 is a testament as to how good Peyton Manning is. It's it dude. It's partly that and it's partly how awful your fucking franchise was how zero, you had zero depth at the quarterback position because the guy had never missed a start and he lulled you into this false sense of security where you went from fucking Peyton Manning to some guy.

You got off a cot. Well that's just it. Nothing. And you can't have that. And they were also already on their way out and they weren't going to win 13 games this year with him. They weren't. They were all they're on their way down.

Double digit wins. I think they'd have with him this year. I think that I think he'd get to the playoffs. Ten and six. I think maybe 10 and six, maybe 11 and five, but they weren't going to be 13 and three. Dude, they couldn't even beat the fucking Jets last year. They had the game one and they still blew it. That's another thing too.

Too many first round losses with that guy, but I have a feeling. I don't think he's got enough guys out there. But I mean, look, I've admittedly, you know, this is the real thing of my hatred of Peyton Manning. My hatred of Peyton Manning stemmed out of the complete disrespect of Tom Brady. And then I blamed it on Peyton Manning as if he said it. I mean, the guy's obviously first ballot fucking Hall of Famer, but I gotta tell you dude, he's got too many first round playoff losses against too many mediocre fucking teams.

I've talked about this many times. Tom terrific and he doesn't deserve to be called anything else besides Tom. Tom terrific is the fucking. I think I've made it. We've gotten to many arguments. I think if he gets one more, it solidifies it. I think that that man has played the position as good, if not better than anybody else ever. And Peyton Manning shows true.

You can't throw a pick six in a Super Bowl. Can't do it. Throw a pick six in a Super Bowl to lose it. To lose it. Yeah. To lose it. That's bad. That's bad.

But I'll guarantee you this. I'll guarantee you this though. If he wins the second one, if he wins another one with the Broncos, you'll never hear Tom Brady's name. It'll all be about, it'll all be about him. He just, he has that thing because you know what I think? He had the advantage of when he went outside in his backyard to play catch, he was playing catch with the fucking professional quarterback.

So the guy, the guy's like, mechanically, he's fucking flawless. Oh yeah. And he's flawless. He is the anti Tim Tebow. He might be one of the best. But I'll tell you, brother, his brother, if you can insert Tim Tebow's heart into that giant 10 man Frankenstein, you would have the ultimate quarterback. I think Eli Manning.

I think his brother, Eli Manning has a lot more balls and is, is, is, you got balls. I don't get mad at that. What? No, Eli's a fucking winner. Dude, he's got ice in his veins. He's a way. He taught. Absolutely.

You don't need to tell me that. He fucking stuck me in the heart twice. He's another face guy though. He's another guy. You look at his face and it's, it's, it's just, you know, you don't think he's got the heart that he's got when you look at his face. Yeah. Both of them.

I don't know what it is about their faces. They, you know, that old joke. He doesn't quite look done yet. Put them back in the oven. They both have that. They have cookie dough faces. Yeah, but I think, I think Peyton is, uh, I think Peyton is definitely. No.

Peyton's the, the Peyton's the man. Eli's the fucking man. I, I, I, I just get people going on the podcast, but, uh, I obviously don't fucking disrespect those guys. And I obviously know that the Broncos are going to be a way better team and I respect the fact that, that this is what actually made me like Peyton Manning now. I actually kind of switched because he could have gone with the 49ers and, and that, and that when he did.

But I don't want to, I don't want to be like, like thinking that I just piled on. So right then that's, that's it because that, that Clemens shit. When I watched Clemens win those two rings, when he jumped in the limo, when you guys fucking were already winning championships and he slid his fat, roided ass through the sunroof. And you know, it was worse than that. He said before that he would never want to play in New York. Like that's another thing about that guy. I think that that guy is just a bad human being.

I really don't like that guy. There's nothing likable about him. And you know what the funny thing is every time I start watching. He can beat the shit out of both of us every time I saw Roger, one of these days I'm going to run into one of these people I'm talking about. I'm being fucking trouble. Every time I saw Roger Clemens pitch live, he got shelled every time. Just shit the bed every time I saw him.

Good. I don't like him. Yeah. You could see that, that Roy thing coming though, because he was fucking gigantic. And I swear to God, living in New York city, I think like six times a year, they would do some sort of insider story about his, his, his workout and everybody was walking around and saying, dude, you see this guy's workout? It's like, that's exactly what they want you to say.

So anyways, let's get back to fucking meta world peace here. Dude, there's not one woman still listening to this podcast. We've talked sports nonstop for a half. I haven't done a fucking commercial yet here, Paul. Let me, let me do a commercial. When we come back, a little meta world peace, you're listening to the fan with the fucking password I got to type in here. Paul, how'd you like riding around on my truck?

How was that? Oh man, that was awesome. Yeah, I mentioned that you're crashing out here. You like that three in the tree? How fucking badass is that? That's a badass truck. Dude, that truck looks like you have a rightful in it and you're just about to go do something really, really bad.

That's what I like about it. It looks like I know how to fight. That's what somebody told me. I said, dude, I look, you, that truck's like the kind of truck you get into after you just beat up everybody in the bar. Now you said the funniest shit you go, I go, that truck looks like a bad motherfucker is in it. You just go, you had to like it out.

Dude, the difference of the looks that I get between driving my truck and driving the Prius is fucking hilarious. Oh, yeah, dude, the fucking eight year old stare me down when I get out of my place. No, the front grill of your truck looks like you just something like bad happened in your past. All right, wait a second here. Where the fuck is, uh, what the fuck is the, uh, all the goddamn advertising? See this, this is what happens, Paul.

This is when it slows down. This is when it slows down. Paul, what do you got to hype? Why don't we, why don't we, why don't we try and do something with you here? What do you got to hype, Paul? Where can people see you next? I got a couple of Jersey, I know that going out, going grocery shopping, right? No, I'm actually going to be at the, um, I got a big show coming up.

You got a big show. Where are you going to be? So I'm going to be in a really big shoe in the back of this deli in Jersey. It's a guy's giving me 10 minutes. No, um, what the fuck is all the game fly stuff? I'm the worst. Oh, go ahead, Paul. How are the lovely people looking?

No, no, no, do what you got to do. No, I can't, Paul, because then the podcast stops. All right, I already got this shit memorized. Hey everybody, do you like playing video games? Sure, we all do. Check this out, Paul. You're a big video game guy, right? No.

You're not a big video game? No, no. You're supposed to roll with it. Oh, okay. Yeah, no. Holy shit. Do I love giving you? No, no, no.

I got to start over. I got to start over. I can't say cunt during them. I can't say any of that. Just shut up. I'm going to start over again. All right. Hey, who likes playing video games?

Sure, we all do. Paul Verzi, do you like playing video games? Love them. You love them. Absolutely. You know, if you had to choose between that and a loved one, you're going video games, right? All day.

Absolutely. All day. Absolutely. Dude, you called it. Yep. If you're into video games, gamefly.com is the place to be. If you go there as a friend of mine, gamefly.com slash Bill Burr, you click on the microphone in the corner, you're going to get a 15 day free trial.

Wow. 8,000 games, Paul. That's awesome. 8,000 games to choose from. Why do you need a girlfriend? No. Why do you need a wife? Why do you even need to be a parent at that point?

Just lock yourself in the room. You get 15 days. That means you can play those games, Paul, for two weeks in a day. I know you're from Jersey, so you don't understand that, but two weeks in a day, 15 straight days, you can play 8,000 games. And at the end, if you want to walk, you walk just like De Niro in heat. Okay. 30 seconds or less.

All right. You can't do any better than that. All right. Gamefly.com. I recommend it. You should recommend it. And someday your mom will too. There we go.

All right. Back to the podcast. Metta world peace. Dude, you know what's funny about that guy? Like he had no intentions of elbowing that guy in the head. No, he was just so in the moment. But this is the thing. He's like that.

You know that kid that wasn't special needs, but almost was. And he had like that Olympic weightlifter kind of strength. That's fucking world peace. That's how he is. And in those kids, whenever they got angry or excited, somebody got hurt. Somebody got hurt or something got ripped out of the wall. Fucking nuts. There's no, you don't have to.

That's what happened with him. He, he went in and he scored. He started thumping his chair. Somebody came near him and he just fucking threw an elbow. We're talking about a man who jumped in the stands and grabbed a civilian by the neck and started teeing off on him. I'll give you this. He grabbed the wrong guy, but he was fucking right in a perfect world.

He's right. It's like build it, but, but you know, in a perfect world, where in this fucking world can you throw a drink in the face of a guy who's twice the size of you and not get the living shit kicked out of you? I'll tell you where had a fucking NBA basketball game where there's no protection. They don't even have a helmet. The helmet. They don't even have a fucking hat on.

This guy throws a drink in his face. That guy, did you see the guy through it? How many, how many, how many N word jokes do you think that guy told and laughed about in his life? And they were in Indiana. Give me a break. He probably had his fucking clan hood underneath the seat. Fuck him.

He should have got the shit kicked out of him. And I feel bad for the web designer that actually got grabbed by the throat. That kid had never been in a fight in his life. He didn't even know enough to run. He didn't even know enough to run. The look of fear. He didn't even know what happened. He just had horrified fear in his eyes and then Ron Artest is his feet were moving, but

he wasn't going anywhere. And then he was trying to explain. But I'm trying to explain the situation like this. If you're on a comedy club and you're on stage and somebody throws something at you, you're not going to do. As a matter of fact, somebody threw something at you, right? I know somebody else. I know somebody else.

I think somebody said they were flicking stuff. I saw this woman, she goes really and she kind of just called the crowd an animal. But as a professional, you can't fucking... Paul, I'm going to tell you right now. If you were doing a bit and for some reason, let me just, no, because this was a different, because it was a bullshit call and that's why he laid down on the table. So let's just say you're playing some fucking Hellgig, all right? The crowd sucks.

The microphone's not working. So you're like, you got to give me a fucking, I can't even get the show going. I can't even speak into this microphone. This is my lightsaber. It's not even working. And then you just make a joke and you lay down until you get the proper microphone. And while you're laying there, some drunk douche takes a full drink and throws it in your face.

You're telling me you're not going into the crowd. It would be tough. It would be tough. You know, I, yeah, it would be really, I mean, that's gotta be... Dude, that, that's what I hated about that whole thing was like, well, not excusing the fan behavior, but as a professional basketball player, you have to blah, blah, blah, blah. No, you don't. You don't.

You have a fucking, you have a responsibility for your own safety in the world. Okay. And part of that responsibility is that you don't walk around throwing drinks and faces of people that you cannot beat the shit out of. Right. Right? Yeah. So you do that and then somebody else gets their fucking ass kicked because of it.

I mean, I was a coward. He was a fucking coward. So when he ran in the stands, though, that was like unbelievable. He was a coward. He should play, uh, should play for the penguins. Oh, I just like fucking with the penguins. I was so happy that they looked. I mean, I had this weird thing where I like most of the people on the team, but then they

always, they always just have a couple of those, those fucking guys going for the knees. They still like them. I can't. And then they always get like upset, like penguin fans. When penguin fans talk about other teams being dirty, you know what that's like? That's like that chick with the big tits who goes to a party and has her tits hanging out and then says, like, you know, what are you looking at? Right?

That's what penguin fans are to me. I think, I think they're all dirty. They're like, Greg Williams thing. You heard that, right? The Greg Williams. You heard the Greg Williams on the Saints, like the, the, the, what he was saying to them. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And when he was like, kill the head, kill Frank Gore's head.

I want that's where across the line. Dude, when he said I wanted his head fucking sideways. Yeah, but that's that's where across the line. And what I hated about how all the players were going like, I mean, that just sounded like standard locker room talk until they named guys. It's like, yes. No, no, no, he said, obviously, no, he said rip his AC up. No, but I'm telling you, no, no, no, no, no, but the point I'm making, the point

I'm making was every player kept saying, I've heard that stuff in locker rooms my entire life, but the part where he made it like personally named guys. That's where I went too far and it was driving me nuts. It's like, yeah, dude, that's what we're freaking out about. I opted you when I was in Little League, the fucking coach is sitting there going like, we got to kick their fucking asses. You know, they're a bunch of fucks, but they it's always saying that. But when you literally go like the shortstop, I don't like his face.

I want his fucking nose. But yeah, right. Yeah, I already got an ACL problem. Why don't you go out there and deliberately blow out his ACL? When you start literally naming it, that's where it crossed the fucking line. This is my thing. It seems straight across the board that none of the players had a problem with it. So now I don't feel bad that they have the concussion problems that they have

at the end, because if you actually, if you participate in that, then you know, but then that's kind of like the chicken or the egg. It's like, if you don't do that, then you're not on the team. But I actually agreed with everything that the penalties that they got. And I think that this happens all over. This happens all over. You know, I don't think guys like Tony Dungey do it. I don't think certain guys do it.

But I think, I think, you know, they'll say, go fucking get like you said. No, I think it's been once, this is my idea, like go out, kill him, rip his head off, have his head go in the other way. But when you specifically name a player and you say what their injury is and all the players is like, we already know what their injuries are. So we're definitely going to try to exploit that. Dude, you know what? All of that is Paul, that is, it all has to do with millions of dollars

being at stake, which brings in the horse. And there's a level pussy and it's all there. And then it's like, dude, you get into the top of the mountain and it just becomes by hook or by crook. And they're just going to do that type of shit. It's just really shit that as fans, you didn't want to see. You don't want to hear, but now they're making an example out of that guy because everybody's livelihood, including ESPN's is on the line

that if there's too much of that negative shit, people aren't going to watch it because that's that's the only guy in sports I don't like is I don't like the guy who deliberately goes out, who can't beat the other team. So he deliberately goes out and tries to injure a fucking player because I feel like that requires no skill whatsoever on any given play. You know, people are watching the guy with the ball. I know, keep your head on his will is what's his face. Remember that time you said that 80 fucking times warrants that keep your head

on a swivel. I understand you're supposed to be looking around. Isn't it amazing how fucking out of shape he was yet still was that fast? How fast would have that guy been if he dropped 40 pounds? Dude, he had that line on the side, you know, and you got that love handle that just like puts a divot, his whole fucking career. He looks fucking eight months pregnant, his whole career. And he fucking could run and was was fast. Faster was faster than he is a good one.

Worst, worst sports bodies yet for some reason. Phil Mickelson just to mine first. OK, I'll get one. Paul Pierce. Paul Pierce's arms are unacceptable. Unacceptable. You're OK. You're an athlete and you're a black guy. You should be fucking chiseled. You should be ripped. I think he doesn't even have white guy arms.

He has like middle aged accountant. How does he do? He's got 60 year old arms. I think Peyton Manning's body is weird. He's still got that little pot belly belly the way he walks. And he kind of he has got a pot belly. You ever see Peyton Manning without his pants? He's got that gut. Yeah, he's got sitting on a tractor body.

Phil Mickelson, definitely. Phil Mickelson, he's been better than lately. He's he's he was all to golfers. Like I told you, the golf is not a fucking sport. It's a skill. It's it's a skill to the amount of guys I know that suck at real sports like this, somebody trying to prevent you from scoring and you have to like be able to throw and catch or whatever.

Skate stick handle. They absolutely suck. But then you put them on a golf course and they can hit it straight because it's like this this mechanics. It's just a mechanical thing. Yeah. Yeah. And it's all like, dude, it's you against yourself. It's not it's not, dude.

It's it's like it's like pool. But pool, you're also playing some. I don't know. But I'm a goalie golf, goalie golf, you're also playing something. They have bowling, bowling, pool, golf. They're they're they're tier two sports, I would say. Although pool is cool as hell.

What do you think about NASCAR? You never see a fat fuck driving a car around 200 miles? Once again. Once again, though. Yeah, well, you got to be in shape for that. Unless you can drive like a van. Yeah, but there's not one fat NASCAR driver really. Yeah, but that just means they're in shape.

You know what I mean? Look at everybody in China. They're everybody in China is fucking in ridiculously good shape compared to this country. That doesn't mean they can all catch a ball. Right. You just say somebody's in shape. You know, they're eating well.

But no, but but I once again. You think it's a I have a friend of mine. Same thing can't catch can't throw throws like a fucking girl. Anything with wheels? Forget about it. The guy becomes he's one with it. Drives like a maniac. He had a BMW five series and he took me out on the highway, dude.

And I swear to God, I almost fucking threw up. It was like I was in an F 16. I had my foot up on the dashboard going, dude, dude, I got it. I got it. And he's just sitting there laughing at me. And then you get him out on the court. You throw a ball at him. I swear to God, it's like a toddler.

Like those guys that go fast like that, man. That's so funny that you were going, dude, dude. One time I was in college and we were driving and me and my friend was raining and my friends trying to show off and me and my other friend didn't want to look like, you know, we don't look like pussies, right? But we got genuinely scared. And like, I don't know.

And the dude was just going and the rain's coming down. Oh, yeah. All me and my friend were doing with that. We go, dude, dude, it's not worth it. Like we were just trying to slow down. So yeah, trying to calm. Yeah, trying to be comic. No, dude, listen, I think there's a cop.

There's a cop up there. But those guys that get that those are like those motorcycle guys that need that speed. They fucking that that's scary shit. Yeah, that's that's one of those. Yeah, you're going so fast. You're going to be like, I'm going to dance, Bill. Yeah, you're going to wake up ejected from the car.

If you're lucky, if you're lucky, you're going to fucking wake up. It's brutal fucking garbage to joke. Versi's got me addicted to Florentine's podcast. And now Versi does like he does a pretty good Florentine. The Florentine is the funniest motherfucker ever. Listen to Florentine complain about anything. Oh my God. That robot, that robot, you're fucking kidding me.

It's garbage fucking joke. Like a Fox News robot. Fucking you got that. I robot the way it goes like up already like drags the word out. It's fucking half time. So again, that's really good, man. Oh, he's fucking funny, man. Listen to that guy complain.

Really, really like we never seen a beautiful woman before. But like commercial fucking ridiculous. All right. What do we got here? This is OK. Sunglasses. There's some really some weird ones this week. People like this guy says, hey, Bill, I need I need my listeners

sending like questions and shit and I read it just to let you know. Billiam, I need to ask you a very important question. My wife makes fun of my choice of sunglasses. She thinks they're not hip enough. I told her I was wearing brown tinted sunburst aviators since college before the whole aviator hype. Is there aviator hype? I don't remember.

Topgun came out. Yeah, it's the same. Back then, those people who in nineteen eighties. Yeah, who wanted to be like Tom Cruise. You know, my neighbor when I was growing up, any movie that Tom Cruise was in, he got into that like whatever it was like Topgun. He joined like the fucking no, no, he joined like the the the the Air Force reserves. No, he alligator armed it.

He joined that and then days of thunder. He started racing cars. No cocktail. He became like a bartender. His rich dad got him out of the fucking reserves. Yeah, he started getting into that. What else did he do? There was like three things.

So it kind of became this running joke, like whatever fucking Tom Cruise movie was coming out and then eventually he moved out to LA. Finally, just well, why don't I just be a fucking actor? You know, son off to actually join the fucking Air Force. Don't know whatever happened to him. So anyway, aviator glasses, which were, yeah, the Tom Cruise fan slash date rapist. Remember that fucking kid I was talking about him? Do you remember that kid who he had the rough sex with the girl in the Central

Park and she died? No, you're too young for that. Yeah, this guy was fucking psycho. No, he killed her. He tried to he tried to he tried to say that they that she wanted rough sex. It was consensual and I don't know what it he accidentally killed her or whatever. I mean, the whole other minutes and we're killing it. Yeah, Jesus Christ, Paul.

How are you doing? Ladies, I'm killing it, crushed it. Fucking crushed it. Anyways, dude, that's fucking brutal. So anyway, but this guy, you know, it actually made me mad when he got out of prison, not only that he got out of on two levels of maybe mad. First of all, the guy got out of prison, but the idiots on the news going off on the guy was saying because when he got out, he wasn't on parole because he

did all his time because he didn't get time off for good behavior because they were just like, you know, he had fights in prison. He was selling drugs and blah, blah, blah. It's like, yeah, all the all that that says in there is he didn't get raped. He did what he had to do in there to survive. So on some level, you have to respect that because that's that's the big fear as a guy, did he rape the girl or it was just rough sex? I don't know what he did.

I don't know what happened. Such a big difference though. Well, I don't know if he went like run our test, like it was going good and he was excited and then he fucking elbowed her. Why are we joking about this? And then I started pounding his chest and then they didn't show the replay because it was a home game. No, he fucking I don't know.

So how long did he do? They let him out of jail. Yeah, he did like all 15 or 16 years because they couldn't get him on murder because he said it was like, I know, like on rape trials, like they what they always do, like the hardest thing to get him on is when they say it was consensual. So then all DNA is out the fucking window. Then you have to like, it's it's it's it's still worse fucking thing. If somebody does that to a woman, they should be, honestly, they should, they

should just, they should have like a flamethrower and they should just have it pointed at the defendant. And Jerry, would you like to read the verdict on the count of rape? We find him guilty in the first degree and just just light him on fire right in front of the family. Yeah, right in front of the family. That's how I would run it. The same same thing with child molesters.

Oh, that's the word. I'm less is that's it. Chalm listed. I would actually have them get chased by rabid dogs first. And then do this Sandusky guy get fucking this Sandusky guy should get fucking drawn and quartered in the courtroom. Just put his fucking body parts in there. He should be underneath an oil tanker and then they should drive it to fucking

is that a drive a boat? Drive it to like fucking man that's walking this earth. That's what I would do with that guy. What I would do with that guy, well, I would go into shark infested waters. And I would give him a bunch of paper cuts and I'd tie him to the front of the boat. Oh my God, I never heard of like that. Well, that's that's a good one, man.

Well, Paul, you gotta understand when you do something like that to somebody, you didn't just you ended that kid's life and then you affected generations of people because who they're going to marry, how they're going to treat the person they marry, how they're going to treat their kids. And then the treatment of the kids, how they're going to act in society society. It just it creates it's like that, that little Confucius thing. When you drop the pebble in the still pond and the ripples just go like that. He got a little poetic on you.

It's like that. No, see, that's what I say. Time to the front of a boat, paper cuts, shark infested waters. And that's it. And you know, it's fine. And this is the thing about it. That's fine. That'd be awesome.

Um, and it still won't stop him. It's still won't stop it from happening, but you should just start weeding them out. That's like, that's a sickness, man, from young, that's fucking crazy, man. Yeah, that's just a, uh, and it ruins the lives of everybody, but put the kid forever. Yeah, it's over. Why are you saying what I just said, Paul? Oh, did you say that? Yeah, you won't even listen to a typical comedian.

You were thinking about what you were going to say. That's literally exactly what I just said. No, I was thinking about the, um, I was thinking about him actually like hitting the thing like a Bowie. Oh, that's right. You got, you got that, you got that weird fucking shit where you, you every once in a while, you think about doing crazy stuff, right? I was getting nervous about admitting this type of stuff.

Like someday, if you're like on trial, like, you know, I'm going to get put in contempt of court cause I'd still never rat you out, but it'd be like, we talking about, you guys talked about this on the podcast, but it kid me. It was a joke. What's, what's the last fucked up thought you had? Um, well, it's tough, man, because like when my son was born, I would think about, I loved him so much. So when I would hold him, all you think about was what if I, what if I heard, I

have the power to hurt him, but you love him so much. You know, freak me out. And now my daughter's coming Monday, you know, right? And I'm just kind of like, I just, all you want to do is block it out. And the more you try to block it out, bad things happen. But no, I've, you know, I'll sit down with somebody and talk to me. The more you try to block it out, like bad things happen. The more, the more, the more you think the fuck it out.

Say, man, I don't want to think about that because it's crazy and fucked up. What happens is it, it just magnifies him to multiply. Oh, in your head, in your head, and it keeps going. So what are you like stoically walking with your kid towards your wife and just hand it off to her? No, no, no. I just keep telling myself that you would never do it, but it's fucked up. Like it's painful, but I've been dealing with it.

So it's more like a fear. You have like a fear, like, oh my God, what if I did this? It's not like, obviously an urge. Yeah, no, no, no. It's actually, it's a, it's a urge that you won't act on. It's, but you're not going to do it, you know, but it's a fear and an urge. And it's, Verzi has inexplicably one of the smartest kids I've ever seen.

The kid is, is, is ridiculously smart. And when I hang out with you, Paul, I just think that you must have married one of the smartest women on the planet because that kid is, I've been, I've been sitting with somebody and really thinking about it. If I just would take a vase and fucking smash it over their face. And, and, but, and the funny thing is you're just, sometimes you just have to like smile and laugh and you could never tell the person what you're thinking, but it's OCD is what it is.

Do you know what I actually woke up thinking today and I was just laughing my ass off. I was thinking about what if you just, you videotaped a game called shut your goddamn mouth and your, the thing was you just, you wouldn't have friend walk around and you just randomly scream that it's strangers who are having a conversation. And the first guy that gets somebody mad enough to hit him, you can't hit him back.

The first get some mad enough to hit him wins whatever. And I was just picturing all the different scenarios and just the amount of people who don't fight and the amount of people who have too much to lose or afraid of people who would be, would be like startled. Yeah. And then you get like the whole like race thing going on where like as a white guy, you think if I ran up to a black guy and did that, that's automatically he's going to beat the shit out of me.

But like, there's something about when you do that to somebody black as a white person, they think like, well, he knows I'm going to kick the shit out of him. He's got to be crazy. And then I think people just think that in general because I'm one time long time ago, I was on a subway. I was on a subway. Uh, I was on the downtown six and this fucking white dude junkie gets on. I don't know what this guy was on, but he was in the beginnings of being a

junkie because his clothes were still nice, but he was clearly fucked up. And he was dropping the N word singing this song. He was hammered out of his, uh, whatever he's high out of his mind and he gets on the subway and he was, he was singing this song going, going, I'm a crazy N word. Yes, I am. I'm a crazy N word doing the best I can. And then we go, he would punch the side of the train, right?

Inside the train. So all the white people immediately, we're looking at all the black people going like, Oh, here it comes. Here comes the beat down. How can I position myself so they know I'm not with him that I don't condone that any of that shit? And he just kept fucking doing it. And I saw on their faces the look of what the fuck did he just say?

And then going like, Oh, that guy's crazy. And then, then the, then the social awkwardness of them knowing that we're thinking, wait, I thought that was an automatic fucking beat down. That's when I, I, that's when I first learned about crazy was when I first moved into York. So what was the game, the game that you thought shut your shut, shut your goddamn mouth. And that's, you just, I, for some reason I woke up this morning, I woke up

this morning and I just was fucking just the first thing I thought of. And I just started laughing my ass off and Nia came out of the bathroom and she saw the bed shaking. Like I was under the covers, just laughing, laying on my side. She probably thought I was jerking off or something. She was like, what are you doing? And I just started, I was like, crying, laughing, going, I got a great idea for a game.

It's called shut your goddamn mouth. And she just starts laughing. Go on. I would love to watch that. Oh yeah, either that or, Hey, just people like talking, just walking at you, those loud as you can, you whisper like a psycho back in a day. I had a game idea called reactions and it was just real. Everything was coming up, but you would just go to the counter at a supermarket

and you would just say the fucking craziest thing with a dead straight face and just see how people react. You know, it's funny like that. Like now we're actually pitching a TV show. I mean, that's sort of like Jackass meets the beginning of what's, what's, what's that? What's that movie with where they fought? Patrice says it was white people's Scarface.

What's the one with the soap fight club? Oh, fight club, fight club. Yeah, it's hilarious. Patrice said on opiate Anthony that that was white people's Scarface because he's watched it a zillion times and cannot understand the connection. And I'm not one of those white people that connects to that movie. I watched, I saw it one time. I watched it.

I liked it. I thought it was a little, I thought it was okay, but everybody that like loves it. You know what I didn't like? It doesn't meet loaf, take his shirt off at some point in the movie. And he looks like I could never see that again. That's not what, yeah. Was that to balance out how shredded Brad Pitt was? You know what I mean?

That movie was fucking weird. And I didn't understand when the guy died, when he put the gun in his mouth at the end and shot himself, it was supposed to kill the one personality. But he put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. Well, he was crazy, right? I don't even remember that part. I just remember when he beat up the one kid saying, I wanted to, I wanted to wreck something beautiful.

Like that, that just made me, that was like that, that same thing going out for somebody's ACL for no fucking reason. I didn't, I didn't stand by that movie. No, no, I didn't. Anyways, our cartoons. Dear Bill, this is, oh, we didn't ask the fucking guy's question here. We were talking about aviaries. He said, what's the breakdown of douchey sunglasses versus acceptable, versus

acceptable ones? What kind of sunglasses do you wear? And does Nia have any say in the matter? I imagine you wear very non-threatening, low profile shades. I can't tell if that's an insult or if he's, sounds like an insult, right? Um, no, I don't think it's an insult. I think this guy genuinely wants to know what he could wear to make his girl stop trashing him.

Well, this is what you have to do. First of all, depending on where you are in your relationship is, is if you feel secure in your relationship, maybe she's just doing you a solid and telling you that you look like a douche. But if she's always telling you everything, what to do, then you have to continue wearing those glasses and you have to wear them over to her mother's house. Defiance.

Yes. And, and wear them into the house and don't take them off when her mom's talking to you. That's like a buddy, a buddy of mine, right? Dude, women though, women just, I just want me to say something real quick. Oh God, more women trashing. I was hoping you're going to be nice. No, it's just like, it's just like, could you, like a guy's really thinking

about it and this happens all the time. This guy's got a genuine concern here, but like, for like, I've heard of guys going, yeah, my girl just looked over at me and looked at that shirt and goes, oh, it's such a turn off. Take it off. And I want to be, it's in my mind. I'm just like, I want to be like, are you out of your mind? Those guys deserve it.

They fucking deserve it, Paul. If you, if you let the woman in your life talk to you like that, they fucking deserve it the same way a woman deserves it. If that guy is a fucking asshole, minus them beating the shit out of you. But I got to, yeah, minus them beating the shit out of you. But if they beat you up, then that's just complete bullshit. But if they're walking around being a fucking asshole, disrespecting you, that's on you.

Okay, break up with them. But what if the guy says to shut up, you know, I'm wearing the shirt. Shut up. Yeah, is he a dick? No, right. But then it's like, oh, my God, that's a total turn off to discuss me. Take that off. Just flip it around.

What if you ever said that to your girl? Exactly, disgusting. Makes you look fat. Come on. You'd never do that. Even if you said that disgust me, that would be it. Listen, here's my answer. They would pout through the fucking dessert that night at the meal.

Well, here's my answer to your, to your, uh, your listeners question here. If you like them, dude, and you look in the mirror and you go, you know, something I like to, I like to glare. I like if it's orange tint or whatever you like it fucking wear it. Paul, you know something? That's why you and your wife are so comfortable to hang around. Because how many times you guys tell each other, go fuck you. You say, go fuck yourself, right?

You do that, right? No, we'll just be like, oh, you know, something shut like, yeah, shut up. Not in a, but right in a loving way. Like, uh, yeah, but you have to, you have to keep, you got to keep them off you. The same was she has to keep you off her. You know, she didn't keep you in check. You'd golf fucking nine times a week. Right.

Yeah. No, no, no, absolutely. There's a fine line and what's like, you know, yes, exactly. Dude, I had a buddy of mine, right? He fucking, we went fishing, right? We were done fishing. Well, you know, we drank a bunch of booze or whatever. We were smoking cigars and his wife pulls up and, you know, they told their kid

about the dangers of smoking, right? So the kid starts fucking crying and blah, and there's all this big fucking thing. And the kid, the guy was literally in the doghouse. And I guess maybe because the kid was crying, I kind of saw her point, but he's one of those fucking guys. I had wanted to say to him, like, dude, you know, it would really help your relationship next time you drop your kid off in the car, take out a big fat fucking Cuban and just light it up.

Yeah. And again, what are you doing? I'm smoking a cigar because I enjoy it. When I come home, I'm going to watch a game and I'm smoking this fucking cigar. And when she says why, you say, because you can go fuck yourself. And that, and I'm telling you, it's a little blunt. You can, you can round off the edges.

Yeah, I don't want to say you could go fuck yourself. But I'm just saying that would help your relationship. It's like that movie. Remember the movie there with Kevin Spacey when she comes home? What is that in the driveway? He's like, that is a 1969 Firebird. And he just, I went out and bought it because I wanted it. Go fuck yourself.

And like, and you saw the look on her face. There was a shift for the better in that relationship. But doesn't he die in the end? Doesn't he get killed? Oh, I don't know. Was that, was that, uh, that was a weird one. He wanted to fuck that 12 year old, you know, fuck that movie sitting with rose petals falling all over him.

Um, so we're saying, you know what? You wear the, you wear the goddamn sunglasses. You want to serve, Jesus. We're an hour and we got to blow through this here. Cartoons, dear Bill, this isn't so much a request for, for advice, but an offer of one. Everyone needs to watch more cartoons. The old school one for kids, loony tunes, et cetera. I used to be a nice guy.

Then I started watching MTV and thinking I was too cool for cartoons. Recently I watched my son watch cartoons as I realized and I realized he's in a great mood because of it. When I changed the channel, he got mad. But here's the catch. So did I. When I changed the channel to news, sports, or even a show like Breaking Bad. Hey, I'm on that show.

He said, I get mad. Something's, something gets my adrenaline going. Oh, you get like all amped up. This guy, let a little, let a meadow world peace going on here. I would say meadow, like meadow lark, meta. Um, is it me or can I watch a little yellow bird talk like a wise ass? Oh, is it me or can watching a yellow little yellow bird talk like a wise ass help with blood pressure situations?

Dude, if it works for you, absolutely. I went to the gun range the other day, right? Squeezed off a few fucking rounds. Dude, I can't, it was so, such a stress reliever. Really? It's phenomenal. I don't, I, it's inexplicable. You think that if you were doing something like that and the violence

associated with it, that you would be like, uh, well, I guess you hit a heavy bag, you feel better. Can we do that? Can we do that? Yeah. You know, it's weird as you have to go over there with somebody else out here because somebody went in there and say, can I have a gun? All right.

Thanks a lot. And they fucking blew their brains out. No, are you serious? Yeah. But how would you stop me? I got a loaded gun. Get away from me. Then I just fucking put it to my head.

I think they just don't want the responsibility. Um, I don't even know if that's true. Somebody just told me that there's one of those classic things at a bar. Somebody told me, um, all right, Paul, you know what a Kegorator is? Okay. Yes. A Kegorator, right? Yes.

A guy. All right. First things first. Hey, did you hype any shows you have coming up? Oh, no, not yet. Yeah. What do you have coming up before I get through all this bullshit? Oh, okay.

What are you going to be, Paul? You could check me out. I'm going to be a wise guys comedy club in Syracuse, New York, May 10th through the 13th. And then I got a big one at the beautiful new Levity live comedy club in West Nyack, New York. I'm headlining. It's my night.

It's a Thursday night. Tickets are already selling. It's in my neck of the woods. So please come out and, uh, and is that the one with the sign incorporated DeStefano? Uh, no, no, no, that's going to be the new one coming out in New York. Did I just ruin the surprise? No, no, no, no, the new one.

That's the new one that I'll definitely announce that one. But Levity live is the new one that, uh, Mazzilli, the, the owners and Paul Verzi has my stamp of approval. All right. Thank you. And also I'm Bill Burr and I support this comedian and, uh, uh, Twitter at Paul Verzi. Jesus Christ. Okay.

A social security number. I know you fucking horn yourself out here. All right. Keggerator first thing first. I'm over 21 years of age. So no worries about giving advice to, to a minor recently. My wife approached me and that's why we don't have a Keggerator. Uh, he's got a good one here.

He goes needless to say within minutes of that statement, we now are the proud owners of a new Keggerator and seeing as how I've been married for eight years. And this is the first time she's ever given approval for a purchase prior to me buying it. I'm pretty excited about this. How do guys get themselves in that situation? Unless she's making all the money and you got to go to her for cash, right? Yeah.

I mean, she seems cool unless she's got a drinking problem, but that's awesome. No, I didn't even think of that. Anyways, however, I really need some advice as to what kind of beer I should keep it stock with choosing the right beer is key to the process. I'm afraid if I buy something like Amstel light, all my friends will know my wife wears the pants in the family. That's hilarious because he gets a calorie less calories here. If I buy a stronger, thicker, more manly beer like Newcastle or Guinness, I may also have

to buy a wheelbarrow to wheel my friends out of the basement on weekends. And I really don't need that level of responsibility. I can't do anything like Miller light or course course light because I might as well hook the tap up to the faucet. That's true. That's very true. I said a long time ago that course light. That's like vitamin water for alcoholics.

Like all my friends. Yeah, yeah, just, you know, I'm on the wagon. I'm on the wagon. You're like, dude, you're fucking drinking. Yes, course light. I narrowed it down to those Sekis or LeBat blue. The only thing with LeBat blue would be if any French Canadians find out I'm fucked because you know those bastards would be knocking on my door seven days a week.

What do you think, Paul? If you had to get a Keggerator, if you had to get a Keg, it sounds like this guy doesn't want to go domestic, but he also doesn't want to go really fattening. Sam killings. Yeah, Sam, maybe maybe a nice paleo. I would go, I would go, I would just go classic. It's a keg. It's a fucking keg.

I would go Bud riser. Isn't that such a weird thing for your wife to just purchase like to be like, yeah, you know what I got? Like that's that's pretty fucking cool. That's beyond cool. That's weird almost. Like Stacy came home and I would just be, yeah, I got this big wine rack. Yeah, she starts doing like little Keggerators headstands.

You know, like, you know, like, you know, they have girl pushups. She does like the girl version of fucking kegstand. What beer would you put in there? I get, I get Bud wiser because that's like a classic like who's going to come home. Dude, what are you going to come home like norm on chairs and you're just going to start pouring yourself a big mug of beer. You're going to be a tub of shit. So I figured the only time you're really going to be pouring like that is if you have

guys over for the game. Bud wiser is a nice middle of the road that everybody's going to like. You drink bud at the game. Yeah, it's not it's not one of the light. Don't you feel like shitting out like now that I'm like, you know, 33 years old and stuff. So my metabolism is obviously slowing down. But I got to be honest with you, man, when I drink three beers,

I feel like a fucking fat bloated. I could feel my tits getting bigger. Yeah, you're about ready to enter your whiskey and Scotch ears. Yeah, I think so. I think so because beer just gives me that pull and then you get tired whiskey. If I drink a whiskey on the rocks now, which is kind of dangerous with whiskey. Yeah, yeah, Scotch. That's like a vaporizer for alcoholics.

Like, you know, vaporizer you have like vaporizer. If you're going to smoke weed is is the way to do it. I would think because it filters out everything except the shit that gets you high. You take a hit off it. There's no burning sensation. It's almost like a mist. And I swear to God, if you get high with a vaporizer versus drinking three or four beers, like just the fatty tissue you're going to build on your liver,

like I would think that a vaporizer is. I mean, obviously no research here because I'm an idiot. But I just by looking at it, that's arguably the healthiest way to get fucked up. You know what I mean? What's the most healthy to drink? What's more healthy? I have no idea. Well, I would say for not being fat.

Look, if you if you get like a juice to drink hard stuff and you drink it on the rocks, well, you just drink it neat. And what people get fucked up is, you know, they drink like jack and coax. You're drinking sodas all night. So I don't know all those fucking like alcoholic words like neat. I would just give it to me regular. Yeah, neat is no, no ice. That's just straight.

Okay. And then rocks is obviously with some ice, but you don't want to mix it with anything like, you know, I guess, you know, twist the lime. The older you get, you just you just want to go right to the fucking you get right to the point. It's like how old old people fight. If they're going to fight, they're not going to sit there and try and, you know, who used to do that bit? Like Richard Pryor, somebody, they're not going to look cool.

The thing is immediately try to blow out your knee and just end the shit. They'll kick you in the balls. They don't give a fuck. That's the way old people drink. Like I've heard so many times I was a bartender said when somebody comes in, if they order a beer, I think, okay, this guy could be a problem. But if somebody just comes in and they order like a whiskey or whatever. And and it's just sitting there, you know, and they know how they want to think.

All right, this guy's a pro. He can handle himself. This guy's a rookie. Yeah, yeah. Get ugly. Oh, yeah. It's coming in. Let me get, you know, give me get a shot of Zambuca couple.

Yeah, you guys want to do shots? You want to round up shots? No, those guys. Yeah, that's going to be it's like a car bomb. As soon as you start. Dude, the car bomb, the dumbest thing. The Irish car bomb. It's cool because you drop amaretto into a beer.

What is it? It's it's it's a isn't it? It's a Guinness and it's a shot up. No, not a Guinness. It's maybe there's a bunch of alcohol. I'm not going to lie to the end of this podcast. Get me thirsty. Oh, yeah, dude, I'm ready to drink.

Yeah, me too. Like, yeah, yeah. No, no, we're boozing after this. Um, yeah. So, sir, I would go with, but okay. So he says, though, Sekie's a LeBat blue. You know what I would do? I wouldn't do the second just because the most interesting

man in the world is a little overhyped. I go LeBat blue. I think that's cool. I can't remember what LeBat blue tastes like. It's Canadian, right? Yeah. But does it have the extra alcohol? No, once it comes in, once it comes into this country,

it doesn't triple X has the extra alcohol. Is the second is good? I heard the second window. Dude, that's another reason to fucking get into hockey. When you go up to Canada, when you drink their beer, it has twice the alcohol content. You know what the fucking tremendous other than the fact they say they're peaceful and neutral with everything,

but their sport is fucking barbaric and they drink like fucking maniac. They do. And they're not peaceful either. They're not. That's just Michael Moore's version of what they are because it worked for his documentary. Dude, they lost a hockey game and they burned down their city.

Talk about an unacceptable face. Exactly. Michael Moore is on the head of that. I got, I got, I got fucking two words for Canada grow up. All right. Here's another two. Act your fucking age. I'll be in Edmonton at the end.

I'm kidding. All right. Here's another one. One of the last ones here. Do Jesus built. I'm a 23 year old guy from the Netherlands. I'm a long time listener and always look forward to listening to your podcast.

I always have a blast listening to your podcast. He said listening three times, but I'm not giving him shit because this is a second language. So this is very impressive to me. But every time you talk about religion, I start cringing. I don't mind a Jesus joke or two, but this time it felt really personal and angry. Well, I'm an angry guy, dude.

I could talk about ice cream and you'd be like, Jesus, somebody gave him another one. I might be exaggerating since you had a hangover last week that week. Oh, anyways, last week you gave an illustration about why beings from another dimension would be interested in us, which made me think, which made me think, well, I'll play along with your illustration

and explain why a powerful, intelligent being from another dimension would be interested in us and in you. He's trying to explain to me why he thinks God exists. First of all, are you a believer? I believe. Put that microphone down and get the fuck out of here. I believe in something. I'm not friends with you anymore.

I thought you were intelligent. No, I'm kidding. I respect the fact. You believe in something to fuck yourself. Well, first of all, this being God made our universe, made our universe, also our dimensions, either you believe that or not. So it would make total sense for him to be interested in us.

You see what he just did there? He said, well, first of all, God made everything, either you believe it or not. All right. And then he goes, so that makes total sense for him to be interested in us. Like he just proved that he exists. There's a grand canyon in between what the fuck you started saying

and then the logic you just came to. Anyways, he says, the Bible speaks that God made the earth in a living space in seven days. The planet itself already existed or excited. I can't read what he wrote here. God simply made it into, oh, it already existed. God simply made it into a living place for us humans. When translated to Hebrew, seven days doesn't literally mean

of 24 hours, but periods that could have lasted thousands of years. Oh, so now it totally makes sense that this invisible being that nobody's seen could have made this. Why don't you say thousands of years? You know what's crazy about this, too? It's like, well, this comedian, Willie Barcena, was telling me that he went to perform for the troops and he said they had a tent of Bibles, right?

For all the different. And he said, it totally put into perspective what, you know, religion because he went into the tent and he said, you couldn't even count the amount of Bibles. The amount of different Bibles for different soldiers, for different beliefs is so much. And my older brother made a good point. My older brother goes,

what's wrong with people just saying you don't know? Yeah, why can't you just say that? Why can't you just say, listen, I believe in something. And I'll tell you, it's the fear of dying. I believe in higher powers. It's the fear of dying. It's the fear of dying. And then they also have to just the fear of dying.

But they also have to, then it's also control. They have to keep you. They have to, in a way, it's good because if it wasn't this fear of eternal damnation, you know, just, you know, rape pillage and all kinds of shit could be going down. You have to keep human beings under control so we don't act like a bunch of fucking savages.

But we wouldn't, though. We wouldn't act like a bunch of savages. Paul, you are three days without food and water away from fucking eating my foot right now. I'm telling you, okay? The only reason why we're civilized, you know what it's like? It's like when you're the fan of a team

that wins a bunch of championships. And of course, you're going to go to the state and be classy. Your team's winning, all right? But all of a sudden, your team starts losing. That's when you decide whether you got class or not, you know? They start littering the field with shit.

So what do you believe in, Bill? Do you believe in God? Well, let me finish what's going on here. I believe in, I don't know what the fuck happens and everybody finds out what happens when you die. So don't fucking be telling me definitively what's going, what happens when you die. If you do that, you automatically lose points with me

because you don't, because it's written down by guys. I mean, come on, enough already. And stop getting mad at people because their version of it is like, people make the mistake that I'm mad at people because they believe this stuff. I don't. What I don't like is that they fucking,

all the murder and all the shit that comes out of it. And it's this whole, like, everybody, like Jewish people with the whole, we're the chosen ones. Right. It's like, why would you have that fucking written in? Don't they have that in there? I don't even know.

Like every fucking group or like Baptist, you're going to go to hell because you don't fucking spend 20 hours in church. I'm getting in trouble like every fucking group here. Catholics think they're the chosen one. Every fucking group says, you know, God loves everybody, created all of us, but he loves us the best.

It's like you're trying to be the favorite son. It's fucking childish. And it's that thought right there. It's arrogant too. Yeah, it's that, yeah, that he gives a fuck. Yeah. Look, if there's a higher power, why would he make sociopaths?

Just to keep it interesting. You know, just to do it. That's, that's like the Wildcat offense when you just throw the fucking I throw that sociopath in there. So anyways, he goes, yes, Bill, it's true that you didn't ask Jesus to die for your sin. But just like God, he was interested in the human race and wanted to save them from death and sin.

And yes, that includes you. Also, I understand you have a beef with religion since those responsible seem to guide people with God's words and become greedy and perverted pigs. And in no way should they carry God's name. Make fun of them all you want, but please leave Jesus himself out of this. All he wanted to do was help the human race.

I actually think he's right about that. What did Jesus do? I was just some hippie walking around. Hey man, like, you know, can't we all get along? He's right. So I'll just attack religions from here on out. Yeah, I don't really know much about the Bible. Did I read the sports page?

I can't get through it. He said it under you. I can't even read it. You know what's a good one? No, Solomon, just those, those quotes. The guy was like John Wooden of then. He just, he just says, you know, wisdom, this, this is good shit.

I've refused. There's nobody mad at me. Okay. Other than me. Okay. I'm mad at myself. Nia gets mad at me. But God doesn't care.

Somebody told me is my son baptized and I said, no, we're going to do a double when my daughter's born. And they go, you got to get your son baptized because you know, you want him to go to like, and it just kind of, they assume that like, my beautiful and yellow. Yeah. And God would throw him into a pit of fire.

It's like, I just, that is the most fucking and look. And I look and who came up with that? Who came up with the fucking church? If you don't get this kid fucking zombified in with what we're doing, then they're going to take this beautiful boy and throw him into a burning pit of hell forever. I just looked at my son going,

and I want to get some Swedish fish. And I'm just like, and this kid, this fucking beautiful little boy, is it because he didn't get baptized? It's like, it's such, and then they want money, dude. And then these priests live in these houses. Listen, I don't want to sit here and trash. Listen, and I'll say this now.

I believe in something. I believe in a higher power. And I believe in a God. And I believe it, you know, I believe that there's something that you cannot say that this is what it is. And you're wrong and crazy. I find arrogant.

I find ridiculous. And to even insinuate the fact that my son may not go to heaven because we didn't do anything yet. So because of me and my wife being lazy, or maybe that's ridiculous. I don't need to go, I don't need to go and do a house of worship.

They hijacked what's in me. That's what I don't like. Because if I do something good, I feel good. If I do something bad, I feel bad. And it's that feeling of doing the right thing. That's your connection to some sort of higher thing. And they hijack it.

And they flip it all around. And they make this guy mad at me. And then his kid did something for me and got tortured for fucking days and days and days for me. And they just dump all this guilt on me. It's like, oh, fuck you. Somebody you're fucking idiot. You sound like a guy

who's trying to sell me some piece of shit car right now. You, I honestly, this is just my opinion that I feel that you are fucking, you have, you're weak if you buy into that. That is the pimp game. That's the same thing. You get me in this insecure, I'm not worthy. Let me bow down.

Let's make the ceilings as high as fucking hell and have these giant fucking doors that a goddamn parade of elephants could go through three high to just make me feel all small and insignificant. And then you're going to stand up there as a fellow human being and sit there and talk down to me

in your little fancy fucking Elvis robe. Come on. Yeah. How old am I? And you know what? If I'm not saying I'm a good person and I'm not saying that if there's a bad place that you go to, I'm not even saying that I'm not going there.

But I can tell you right now, all my friends are going to and I want to hang out with them. So I don't give a fuck. Actually, all my buddies dying recently, like made me less afraid of dying because I know I'm going where they're going. So I don't want to not,

what am I not going to see them forever? Because they went to one less titty, I went to one less titty bar than they did. Then I'm going to hang out with fucking Jesus going, you know, I did all that stuff for you. Why the fuck would I want to be there? Hey, buddy, go fuck yourself. Jesus.

Huh? All right. I'm just fucking around, sir, from the Netherlands. All right. You can love Jesus all you want. I don't have a problem with them because just like you, I never met him. And don't send me one next week.

Well, maybe that's what you need to do. You need to meet him. You need to bring him into your life. No, dude, it's cultish. It's cultish. It is cultish, dude. What a fucking way to end this. Let's let's end it on something positive.

Paul, do you go to Amazon.com? I have. Jesus, Paul, you're the worst hype guy ever. Yeah, absolutely. I do. Yeah, of course. I said I have. Let's start over again.

Okay. Okay. Take two. Paul Verzi. Paul Verzi acts like he's interested in this advertising. Take two. Hey, Paul, do you ever go to Amazon.com? Always.

It's great, right? It's unbelievable. Best website on the internet, right? Only place I shop. All right. Well, here's something. Next time you go to Amazon.com, if you'd like to donate to my podcast,

just make a little detour. Go to billbird.com. You click on the podcast on the right hand side of the play page. I got a little window. Is that what you call it? A little little link. You click on it, a banner, amazon.com. You go there.

You don't have to do anything else after that. And if you buy anything, not saying you have to, if you buy anything, I get a kickback from whatever you buy, donates to the podcast, and then 10% of that I give to the wounded warriors. So you support me and you support the troops all at once. And what do you do?

You bought yourself a flowbie at the same time. You can't beat it. You can't beat it. Paul Verzi supports this message. All right. You know what? That's the podcast for this week. I'm going to be at the University of Concord

in Concord, New Hampshire. There's limited tickets left. It is open to the public. Bring your ass down there. I'm building my new hour. I don't believe I did my old hour in New Hampshire. No, I didn't. I didn't.

So it's going to be all new stuff. So get your ass out there and go see some live performances. And Paul Verzi, once again, where are you going to be in May? I will be at Wise Guys Comedy Club in Syracuse, May 10 through 13. And the big one, Levity Live, May 17th

in Westniac, New York. There you go. There you go, guys. Go out and see some live comedy. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. Don't take any shit. I'll talk to you next week.