Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-25-16

Episode Date: April 26, 2016

Bill rambles about youtube families, Blues/Hawks and TomBrady.

In the mountain, in the kitchen, even in the living, they really lie everywhere, riding the empty baths. But now we're going to the finish, bring them to a Bebath collection point quickly. You will always find one in your neighborhood on Bebath.be Bebath, together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. I'm going to go with April. April 25th, 2016, what's going on? Hello, how are you? How are you?

I just got back from Iowa, connected through Phoenix, could not get a direct flight out of Des Moines. Des Moines International Airport in Des Moines, Iowa. One of the greatest international airports you'll ever go to. My hotel was right next door to it. I was there for about three hours before the show. Okay, I think I heard three jets takeoff. It's fucking awesome. It's a decent size airport, too.

But there's very little people, you know? Come out of Amcournfields! You know, getting out of that death metal fucking band rehearsal and going to the Des Moines International Airport to fucking go anywhere, evidently. Breezed right through security. Oh, the whole thing. I love fucking... I love little airports. I love them the way some of these chicks love that dude who left that fucking band.

Those poor fucking little girls. How could he do that? Why the fuck do parents film their kids in an embarrassing moment? I can see if siblings do it, but it always seems like a lot of parents. They just film their fucking kids. And it's just like all those girls who fucking got filmed or filmed themselves, you should take it down, but once it's updated, you're finished. You're fucking done.

You can't run for president with that on your fucking profile history. I wonder who's going to be the first one to run for president, right? And then they just pull up, you know, some clip from their childhood on Facebook or on YouTube or some shit, some video of them either saying something fucked up or getting hit in the balls and then crying like a little girl or something like that. You know, do you remember that time when that fucking, that fat kid threw that thing at the little kid and the kid ran over and he threw the skateboard at him and the kid fucking fell down and let out a cry like,

I can't even fucking do it. In that moment, that kid's life as far as any sort of leadership role is over. You know, and I know what you're saying. You're going, well, look at him. Well, he's out there eating ringdings, running around with his high-pitched voice. Who's going to follow that into battle? It's like people fucking develop later in life. You know, you should have seen me when I was a kid.

Not better yet. It was a good thing you didn't fucking orange hair. You know, fucking total introvert lunatic lunatic. Literally could not talk to a girl without my face turned and beat red. I was a fucking mess. There was fucking videos of that or all the fucking ass kickings I took. I remember a girl beat me up enough when I was in third grade. This fifth grade girl beat me up because I was playing with this kickball

and her sister came up and was playfully taken away from me. So I ran up to take it back and she was running along the school and I ripped it out of her hands. You know, used to playing with boys and she's kind of careened into the side of the school, which of course is made of brick because, you know, if it catches fire, you know, you want something to be able to rebuild on. You know, I mean, all those rugs and everybody inside are going to go up like a fucking bowling alley,

but you want the main structure because the town's got to pay for it. So anyways, she goes into the building, hit her head, and as I'm like, oh fuck, I'm sorry, her fucking sister showed up. There's a big difference between third grade and fifth grade. She looked like a substitute teacher to me. That's how much fucking older she looked to me and she fucking just rained these fucking punches down on me. And I held it together.

You know, I, you know, I waited until the end of the round. I knew I was going to lose the decision and I was all right. I was trying to walk it off. It really fucking hurt. And then some girls, I forget what she said to me, but it actually made me cry. She said something supportive. I have no idea.

So yeah, now if there was video of that, I mean, that's it. If they ever had, I mean, there's a guy you won't run in the country, gets beat up by a girl and starts crying. How else are you going to keep America safe? How's he going to keep children safe? How's he going to keep Jesus safe? And then that's going to be the end of it. All these fucking people, you just film your fucking kids.

All this over sharing. I don't give a fuck that your kid's 13 years old is in love with a boy band. I'm not talking about the kids who film themselves, but sometimes it's parents, which is really weird. Like I hate those families that all get into their caravan and they start singing songs or doing dances. And they just, wow, that's the funnest family ever. You know, I can see through it.

You know, the second the camera turns off, the dad turns into Joe Jackson. He starts beating their asses all over the fucking house. Anyway, sorry. That was just a complete left turn. But I don't know. I'm actually fascinated with that dude leaving the boy band at the height of their fucking popularity.

You know, just as far as, you know, being in the entertainment business going, all right, now how do you do this? Did he make enough fucking money? You know goddamn well his manager and everyone around him stole from the guy. Did he make enough fucking money? The thing about it is, is he's so young,

he's going to look like that guy for a while. So it's not like, you know, he's at that age where he can just slip back into the, you know, like at my age, I'm going to be 48. In 10 years I'm going to be 58. I'm going to look way fucking different, okay? 48 is the last sort of like, you know, I could go down, maybe play some pickup hoop

and I could get picked last. That's it. And then 48 to 58, that's, you know, you start getting the chicken neck, you know, you start getting your fares in order. This kid's like fucking 21, you know, he's barely going to be 30, right? A little over 30 I should say.

So if I was him, I would shave off that fucking facial air and I would just start eating McDonald's and I would just become a fat fuck and then I'd just wait to see how well, you don't want to be a fat guy. If you're a fat guy then, then you're like famous in a different way. Like everybody looks at you but you don't have a show, you know?

If you get to that level of fat, all right, don't get like circus fat. That'd be funny if he did that. He was just so good at everything. He became like the fattest guy ever, you know? And then everyone was staring at him again. He's just like fuck, I just can't not be famous. Anyways, good luck to that kid and parents.

Take down the fucking videos you goddamn kids, you fucking weirdos. There's probably some pervert out there that likes to jerk off to fucking girls crying to boy band members who just left. There's probably a fetish at this point, you know? There's nothing else left to jerk off. You create a new, literally create a new type of porn. All right, anyways.

Plowing ahead, plowing ahead. Now I know what all you guys think I'm going to talk about, you know? You're going to be like, oh, I saw a big sports story. Oh boy, oh boy. I hope he didn't fucking record his podcast before that went down. Well, I didn't. I didn't. Okay, I will talk about that later.

I just don't give a fuck the way I used to. But let's get to what I really give a shit about. There's only two things I give a fuck about right now. Game seven in St. Louis. And fucking game five back in Atlanta. The Boston Celtics. I missed every fucking second of the last two games because I was on the road. I missed all of them.

I was fucking driving. I didn't have my phone. So my fucking leg was going dumb. Now I had to fucking pull over to rest area, you know, stretch it out. You know what I mean? Keep my head on a swivel looking for fucking truckers questioning their sexuality and fucking. What are they? The serial killers?

Serial killers love a fucking rest area. So anyways, um, I missed, I missed all of that. All I know is that they came back. They tied it up. I was so happy and I did see the clip of whoever that was. Was it smart on the fucking smart on the Celtics? Barely getting touched and literally throwing himself out of bounds. I mean, I know he got fine five grand.

They should have given him at least like a thousand dollars off just because he kind of heard of self. He went up so high. That was one of the worst fucking dives I've ever seen in my life. And, uh, I mean, I even think the Celtics probably teased them about that by the time they got to the locker room. It's like, Jesus Christ, you just flopped to the ground. Fucking jumping up in the air. Um, anyways, and the St. Louis Blues, what the fuck? You know, I already went to a heartache with my team.

I fucking hitched my wagon to you guys. You get up three to one. I knew I fucking knew they had to win game five. Game five. You know, it's also fucked up about a seven game series. You're up three games to fucking one and you're thinking like, oh, we gotta do it. Just fucking win one. No, you fucking have to win game five because the second you don't win game five, the last two games, the pressure's on you.

All of a sudden it goes, oh, no, wait a minute. You lost game five. The other guys win the next game is tied up. And then, you know, I'll tell you right now, anything can happen. Chicago Blackhawks have the momentum going into game seven. The St. Louis Blues have a history of playoff collapses. You know, that's all they're saying on the fucking. Oh my God.

Oh my God. I had such belief in this team. I still believe me when I fucking three games to one and I was sitting there and I said, without a doubt, I said the fucking Celtics were going to win game three. I called it and then I talked shit. And I said, like I said, the Celtics were going to win game three. The fucking St. Louis Blues are going to win game six. And they were up three to one before I went on stage in Kansas City. And I was thinking like, all right, they got that fucking was an Elliott net.

He's playing great. They got they have a size advantage. Yeah, I think this looks pretty good. So I go on stage. Right. I do my shit and dick jokes for about a good hour and a half. I come off the stage had a great fucking show and I walk in the green room and all the fucking Blackhawks fucking cheese and ear to ear grid. They cut to Mike Milburn.

I see the final score was like six to three. And I was just like, what the fuck happened? Tell you what happened five minutes. It's fucking goals is what happened. I've yet to see the highlights of that. But I'm recording my podcast right now. And then I got to go over to the writers from here working on episode three written by yours truly. For next season, who hikes a cartoon fucking 13 months before it comes out this guy.

And then I'm going to be, I'm taping the blues game. So I'm not going to be on Twitter or any of that shit just in case you guys, you know, send me scores and shit. But I'm going to, I can't wait to fucking watch that game. It's going to be great either way. I want to see St. Louis when, but you just have to respect the fucking greatness of the Chicago Blackhawks during this era. If they come back from this, I mean, it's just, you know, it goes beyond, you know, you got to have guys like that. Guys that have one fucking, what are they went to already two or three, two, I think they just, they still want to win more. It's very rare.

It's very rare. Most of the times a guy wins one. He's done, you know. Or he wins three and he just says fucking, he keeps eating until his belt buckle bursts. You know, that's what usually fucking happens with superstars. So anyways, I can't wait to see that. And then the game, game five of the Celtics is tomorrow night. So I'll be taping both of those.

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All right. Dollar Shave Club, everybody. How many more are these? There's two more. We'll do two and two. Two and two. All right. Where are we?

Where are we? Where the hell are we? There it is. There it is. Sorry. I had to put the advertising everything on the same fucking thing. Oh, by the way, Jesus Christ, what a fucking week, huh? With Prince dying.

My God. Watching all those clips of him. You know what? I never fucking saw him in concert. He came out here and did like 20 shows sold out at the LA Forum. I remember Nia went and I was just, I forget where the fuck I was. I was just on the road. It was like the first couple of nights I had gigs still out here and then I left, you know,

for like, did it like a 10 day run and he knocked out all those shows of some shit and I came back and I remember thinking, ah, you know what, I'll catch him on the next one. And unfortunately, that's not how life works. And I got to tell you though, like the level that that guy affected people. I mean, they literally lit up the Eiffel Tower in purple. I mean, as far as an artist, that's about as, it's about as big as honor as you get. All these fucking like monuments around the world getting lit up in purple, man.

I knew that we loved him here. I had no idea like the level of fame that that guy had, man. It's fucking crazy. So 57, Jesus Christ, I'm 48. That's all I was thinking like, good Lord, got to lay off the sauce. Anyways, I want to thank everybody who came out to all my shows this past weekend. Had a great fucking time. Played one of the most beautiful theaters I've ever played to play the Fox Theater in St. Louis.

And they take you upstairs. And if you ever get a chance to take a tour of the place, you have to see some of the signatures that are on the wall. Please don't sign the fucking wall. It's like fucking people did that next to like Stevie Ray Vaughns. Like one of my pet peeves is when somebody fucking huge signs a wall and then all these fucking jerkoffs right like within the name. You know what I mean?

It's like, you're nowhere near that guy. Get the, you shouldn't even sign on the same fucking wall. David Bowie was really cool. David Bowie actually signed next to his name, but he just scribbled his. You can't even tell it. So I'm a fucking hypocrite. So I signed near his. But what was so cool was the whole Stevie Ray David Bowie story from back in the day.

When Stevie Ray went to was at the Monterey Jazz Festival and they got booed off stage. And David Bowie was in the crowd, but love Stevie's play. And afterwards came up to him and blah, blah, blah. That's how he ended up playing on his Let's Dance album. And then he wanted Stevie to go out on tour with them and Stevie just wasn't feeling it. He went to some of the rehearsals and just like, I can't fucking do this. I want to go back to Texas and play in my trio started all over again. And then became a giant on his own rather than being part of David's band.

And just the two of them, just to be that close, like Jerry Lewis. Of course, now I'm off again. Sammy Davis, Jr. Tony Orlando, just some, a bunch of random shit too. And all this shit from the 80s, like the Thompson twins, all this crazy stuff in there. And they really kept it well. And Stevie signed it twice, once in 1987. And then another time, I think right before he died and like the in step tour. And I got there a little bit late so I didn't get a chance to see the theater,

like the actual theater where people were sitting. Thank God until after I did the show, because I would have been a little intimidating, came out afterwards. It was fucking amazing. And I had a great show. And then the next day I went to, went to Kansas City and played this sprint. And I did a run with Jay Caterpreda. And we were going, we wanted to get barbecue and we're trying to figure out where to go.

That's right. And they told us to go to that fucking Oklahoma, Joe's or some shit. So we fucking pull up there and there's like a fucking two hour line outside the place. And I'm just sitting there like there's no fucking way. This is the line for this place, but the Royals had a game. So I guess it's like a family tradition out there. People just do that shit. So we were like, well, fuck that place.

So the next place I had on my list to maybe try out was this other place Q 39. And it's the best barbecue I've had since saw us when I was in Alabama. It was fucking, it was the best. I will say it's the best brisket I ever had. We both ordered a couple of combo plates. So, you know, we ended up having the smoke chicken brisket ribs and the fuck else was there. Oh, and of course, pulled pork and it was fucking amazing. But I have to tell you, dude, right after that man, I felt like I, I just, I'm too old to eat like that.

I mean, I'll spare you the fucking details, but my body was just like, yeah, you know, you ever see somebody show up at a club and they're already drunk, like how quickly they get thrown back out into traffic. Yeah, that's what happened with me. It was not a, it was not a good thing. It was not a good thing at all. So anyways, but it was delicious. And I didn't even eat that much. Oh, wait a minute.

Now you did. Then we got dessert too. Yeah, it was kind of a bad day. It was a bad day. You know, it's funny. I didn't eat shit for the rest of the fucking night, but I had a great time later on that night. I hung out with a bunch of friends. I've been going to Kansas City for a long time.

So I had a buddy of mine out there who built my first website. Him and his wife showed up. So we were just hanging out, having drinks, just having a great time. And then the last day was I got to go up to Iowa and Ames, Iowa, just north of Des Moines. And I finally went to that state during a sunny month and it was green and it was fucking beautiful. And Des Moines, really underrated city, fucking gorgeous. This river runs right through it. And they got this beautiful two mile loop that you can walk around.

I wish I had time to do that. I forgot that that was there. Like I said, I hadn't been in Iowa since I played penguins and Cedar Rapids, which I heard is no longer there because the river overflowed or some shit. But anyways, just had a great time up there. And I got to tell you, that's the fucking place to own a Ferrari, Iowa. That is the fucking place, man. Because you see people riding around on motorcycles with no helmets on and shit.

That is the place to own a motorcycle. That is the place to own a fucking supercar. That is the fucking place to own a gun. You have to have a gun. These fucking acons who live on the coast and they're all jammed in with people. It makes sense that you don't want everybody having a gun. All right, but there's this tipping point where the population becomes so fucking little that then you're kind of on your own out there.

All right. So if your fucking weird ass neighbor shows up dressed like Leatherface, I mean, you're going to call the fucking cops by the time, I was joking on stage, by the time they drive up your driveway, like half your family is fucking dead. The driveways, I swear to God, some of these, some of these spreads are like, I don't know, they're like fucking, they look like they're like a, like you could land a goddamn DC 10 on the damn thing.

So, all right, so here it is, the big news, the big news this week that I found when I got up, right, was actually, I didn't find it until I connected. I flew from Des Moines to Phoenix and then I connected, you know, get my connecting flight and it was late and I looked at my Twitter and people started sending me all this shit about Tom Brady. The suspension somehow, somehow it came back. It fucking blew my mind.

It was one of the impressions that like either way, once you appealed it, that last thing was the final thing. I've never seen an appeal of an appeal. Maybe there's been one. I just remember, I remember when Al Davis wanted to move the Raiders and they're like, no, you can't do it. And he goes, well, I'm fucking doing it anyways. And then they had a court battle and he won and that was it.

The NFL just said fine. Maybe there was a bunch of appeals on that, but that one came out of nowhere. I don't know, man. I don't want to sit here and fucking be a big baby about it or anything like that, but it just really seems like it just went above and beyond. It's just really extra. I don't, I don't understand. I don't get the fucking NFL.

I really don't. I don't get why certain things, you know, you knock a woman out an elevator, you get four games, you get two games at first, right? Then they bumped it up to four because everybody bitched. And then they're like, oh, no, wait a minute, wait a minute. We mean you're, you're out of football for good. You know, the subtext of that of course was no, we're going to lose a bunch of fucking money from women. And guys who remotely give a shit about women aren't going to buy our fucking jerseys and shit.

So now all of a sudden we give a shit, right? So I just have to think that this really isn't a money thing. They actually lose money when Tom's not playing. So I really think this is just personal. The Patriots did something to piss off the fucking NFL. I know a lot of you guys who aren't Patriots fans think I'm just trying to make up an excuse, but the reality is, is the NFL, the only thing they give a fuck about is money. All right.

The way they handled all those concussions, the way they finally did that bullshit payout, the way they make money off of raising cancer awareness by having pink jerseys, not letting you know that only 3% of the money or whatever goes to research and they pocket the other 97%. The way whenever they put a camera on, you know, the servicemen and women that they hooked up, you know, gave them free tickets, give them a round of applause. And then they count that as a fucking commercial and they charge whatever branch of service those people are in. You know, how filthy they are there and only give a fuck about money. You know, Tom Brady's Captain America, like the Patriots are not.

The guy looks like a movie star and they make more money if he's in the game. And you're talking about literally a cunt's hair's worth of air. They appealed it and won and the NFL still was like, no, fuck you, fuck you. So it's just, it has to be personal because and I don't want to name any fucking names here. Okay. There's other guys just as big as him who had some really questionable fucking shit that went way beyond fucking air pressure in a ball. All right. And it was just like, yeah, whatever, no biggie, no blood, no foul.

So yeah, I think it's official at this point that as a Patriots fan, I am not paranoid. When I say the NFL fucking hates the Patriots and has it out for them because they're actually shooting themselves in the foot monetarily here over fucking air pressure over something that they lost in court like a fucking year ago. So I don't know. I don't know what we did. I would love to know behind the scenes. It's got to be some Robert Kraft shit. I would think, you know, I can't really think of anything else because, you know, I'm trying to be honest here. But like, you know, some of the other infractions without naming names, I'm trying to be a class act here.

Certain things that went through the mail, wink, wink, you know, just shit like that. And it's just, yeah, nothing, no story. And not to mention, you know, the Colts owner in his own fucking investigation, they found out that for their footballs were also under inflated. So you're talking, we're going on almost a year and a half ago that this happened. The shit's still fucking going. So I mean, all right, the NFL hates us and no Tom Brady for four games. I guess that's, you know, whatever, we're still going to win. We're too good.

We're still going to fucking win. All you're going to do is just make Bill Belichick a better fucking coach. And he already prepared for this last year. So when we get fucking Jeanine Garafalo in there again, I think he goes two and two. I'm looking forward to it. All right. There you go. There's all of that type of stuff.

What a fucking weekend I had, man. I can't tell you how much fun I had going out there and doing those shows, man, and working on my act and all that. I have like, I have the best fucking life I could possibly have right now. I'm writing on this, the exact fucking show I want to do with a bunch of hilarious people during the week. And every other week I get to continue my dream doing standup comedy. So, and I'm working towards taping another special special special later on this year. And I'm also starting to get the audio together for hopefully a vinyl release of my show at Madison Square Garden. Obviously, I want that one to come out after my standup special, but, you know, I'm hoping to do like a, like, I'm not even going to say what I'm hoping to do with that vinyl album,

but it's going to be fucking cool if I do it right. If I don't fuck it up. All right. So anyways, here we go. Let's read some questions here for the week. Bill, when I travel out of town for games, I bring the stick. Oh, this is about foam rollers. Because dude, I'm telling you that foam roller changed my fucking life.

Any old people out there like me, if you're young, you should fucking do it. It's the greatest goddamn thing ever. There's nothing better than like, you know, other than eating right in that type of stuff. Finding love and not having your quarterback suspended for four games over some country air pressure. There's nothing better than just being able to move your fucking body and stretching is the best. Really yoga pilates, all of that shit is probably the best shit you can do because it really keeps you in shape. It really keeps you flexible without hurting yourself. I can't help it.

I'm a child of the 80s. So I always have that world gym, gold gym. Push it up. No pain. Okay. I always have to fucking, you know, do it. What are you benching? What are you benching that kid?

I always have that's always going to be in me. But anyways, these foam rollers, I'm telling you, they're the shit. So, but I never heard of this. This kid's recommending the stick. Doesn't it sound like a paid advertisement? It isn't. He said, I can fit it in my carry on. You know, it'd be great as if this kid invented it and he's actually getting a free commercial.

He said, I can fit it in my carry on or in my gear bag. So it travels a lot better than any foam roller. And it's a lot easier to do just sitting in a chair and not having to roll around on the floor. You might like it. It's what keeps me functional when I have three to four hurling games, crazy ancient Irish sport to play in a day at a tournament. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I got to look this up.

You know, if it's an Irish sport, you know two things. You know, it's fucking crazy and you know, there's nobody stretching hurling. I'm going to show somebody puking. Okay. It's an Irish game resembling field hockey. All right. I'm not trying to start anything with Ireland, but that's a woman's sport over here. They run around wearing skirts and I know you guys don't do the kill thing.

So what the fuck is going on here? All right. Played with a shorter stick and a broader oval blade. It's a national game of Ireland and may date back to the second millennium BC. All right. So you're all forgiven. You didn't know any better. All right.

Let's see some images for this thing. Oh, fuck that. That's not a, that's a club. I would play that fucking game. That is a fucking club. Jesus Christ. Look at those fucking helmets they wear. They look like fucking butch goring and then somebody took a welding class for the first

time. Remember butch goring's hockey helmet, butch goring's hockey helmet. By the way, it's legendary. He had the same piece of shit helmet. I think for right up from the juniors and he just paint every time he went to a new team, he would just paint it. I remember he finished with the, did he finish with the Bruins? I remember he played with us.

Oh, those were the days. Oh, those were the days. Jesus Christ. Look at this guy taking one of those fucking paddles right to the face. Wow. Okay. I'd get shitfaced and watch that. That is the weirdest looking thing I've ever seen.

It's like, it looks like the beginning of a goalie stick and then you amputated it right just beyond the heel. About a third of the way up the blade. All right. So this guy, you know what dude? I really appreciate that. I'm going to check that out. The stick.

Good stuff. Thank you. All right. China. Hi Billy boy. I'm Iranian living in China. Jesus. He goes, yeah, right.

I'm Iranian. I think the only place that you might not have any fans is North Korea. And that's only because they don't have access to the internet. Anyways, I have watched, oh, speaking of which, Jade, who I worked with this week is Brazilian and she mentioned, you know, she was thinking about maybe doing some standup down in Brazil and how that scene is starting to get going. And I was just wondering anybody from Brazil listening and if you do, if you have any suggestions, because I've always wanted to take my wife down there.

She's always wanted to go and I'd love to go down there. I guess it's cold this time of year, right? My wife's not into the cold. I personally like it. You know what I mean? That's all good for me. I had no problem with that whatsoever. But let me know what's going on down there and I'm psyched.

You guys are getting some standup shit going because I'd like to see your shapples, Louis CK's and David Tells. That's what I'm looking forward to. All these like India and all these places that are starting to get comedians. I can't wait to see the greats that come out of those, those different cultures. All right. So anyways, let me continue on here. Anyways, I've watched all your videos on YouTube and followed your podcasts for more than six months.

You are indeed a funny guy, though. My Chinese wife does not get your jokes. Women around the world do not like my act. Maybe I should charge her, change her to one with better tastes. I think he's giving me shit there. He goes, I think you have so many fans here, especially among ex-patriots. Well, if you're in Hong Kong, yeah, I did a show out there. He goes, I don't know if you've ever been in China, but really hope you get your ass here someday.

Looking forward to hear back from you. Please fuck yourself every day in the morning before breakfast. Yeah, I was in Hong Kong last year. I've never been to the mainland, but I heard when you go to the mainland, it's just straight Chinese. You know what I mean? Like all the ex-patriots seem to be in Hong Kong. So I would go to mainland China, but I just feel like other than seeing the Great Wall and eating some delicious food, I don't think I could do a show up there because I would be worried that not enough people would be able to understand what I'm saying.

And even if they could understand it, I think maybe I just, I don't know. I think they'd be like your wife, like I don't get what he's talking about. Anyways, okay, continuing on. Hillary hot sauce. Oh, hot sauce. Hillary, you know, Billy, listen to your Thursday podcast and a bit about Hillary and the hot sauce is actually true. There are interviews with her talking about this over a decade or so. Apparently in the 90s, she learned how healthy it was to eat hot peppers.

And so she did. And she grew to love hot sauce. It's also known that she kept a lot of hot sauces at the White House where she lived. Anyways, for some reason I felt bad for her. So I thought I'd write you. Well, here's the fucking thing. You know what? You know what I like?

I like fried chicken. Okay, I would never bring that up if I was talking to a bunch of black people trying to get their votes. You know what I mean? Even if she is into it, what you just say, she is fine. It's still a fuck. It was, it was just tacky. Hot sauce. I always had, you know, it wasn't lipstick.

It wasn't anything like that, all the other bullshit that she has. Yeah, I just don't buy it. And I just think they're lying sacks of shit. And I've had 20 years experience watching them on TV. I lived in New York when she was a senator there. Senator there, I watched Bill Clinton for eight fucking years. I can't stand them. I think they'll literally fucking say anything.

I think they're bought and paid for. They are the fucking devil. Not literally they're evil, but they're just the same evil that you're dealing with. And it doesn't make a difference that she's black. If she's got a dick or a vagina, it's going to be more of the same if you pick her. And I think that's why you have two fucking extreme people. I think people are sick of that. And that's why Bernie's still in it and Trump is still in it.

Because I think generally speaking, people know that whatever the fuck we're doing, it's not working. It's not fucking working. So, and maybe it's, no, maybe nobody can fix it. You know what I mean? You got fucking, what, four, five hundred million people. You can get all the, get them all to try to tug the rope in the same direction. I mean, that's, it's a very difficult thing to do. And I don't know, I just wish the election was tomorrow.

We could just get it over with. I saw this funny sign on the internet and said 2016 everybody sucks or something like that. Something about all the candidates. No, but there's not. I don't know. I butchered it. You know what, to make up for me just butchering that thing, I might have to put the picture of it, which I probably won't be able to find.

So I think I'll just have to take it. But I fucked that up. All right, let's read the last two advertisements here. Advertisements. Advertisings. Sherry's berries. Where the fuck are they? God damn it.

All right, here we go. Oh, I should probably make a prediction here, right? I don't know how to, you know what, I'd have no prediction for game seven. I want the blues to win. Fuck. You know what? Fuck it. You know what?

I'm not going to say anything because at this point, blues fans are going to hate me. If I fucking predict them again, you know, people get all fucking with that mojo shit. You're going to jinx them. Fuck it. I'm just going to watch the game. All right, Dollar Shave Club, everybody. DollarShaveClub.com has a special offer for new members who joined today. You'll get a free month of the executive razor when you buy a tub of Dr. Carver's Shave Butter,

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It's only available by going to DollarShaveClub.com. That's DollarShaveClub.com. All right, blue apron. Okay, you need to learn how to cook. You need to know how to cook, I should say. Not only do you feel like you know your way around the kitchen, but cooking at home means eating healthier and saving money instead of ordering expensive takeout again. Well, where do you start?

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I can't even say half this shit. I saw Marin posted a picture. It looked delicious. Brothi, yuzu, cod with soba noodles. Locked in. Is this even real stuff? Yuzu juice and soba noodles. Steak and grains of paradise and mashed plantains.

Pink lemon, question mark? I don't know. It's your shit. The fuck do I know? A rose con polo. Cod fish and chips with aioli. I know that word. Pork roast and whole-roasted carrots with brown buttered spinach.

How the fuck did I get it? Quiche with TK products. Am I really supposed to read all of this? Spinach with red lettuce. Spice chickpeas burgers. I'm going to start crying here. With fat-o-vin sweet potatoes, man. Lemon yogurt sauce.

I feel like we fucking get it with soft-boiled eggs and quinoa and all that. Hey, where the fuck's the rest of the copy? I don't know. Go to blueapron.com slash burp. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in burp. I hope that's what I was supposed to say. Jesus Christ, they like typed the whole fucking menu. I feel like I was introducing the fucking Wu-Tang.

All right. Cash and banking. I listened to your podcast today and about money, how it was just a number while relating to paychecks. I couldn't agree more that they are intentionally phasing out cash, period. Every payday I go to the bank and I take out all of my cash except what is needed to cover my bills and the bank people look at me like I'm an idiot. On a regular basis, I walk out of there with seven to eight grand in cash at least once or twice a month. And they actually interrogate me about why I'm taking all my money out of the bank

and how come I don't need my money in the bank. All my friends think I'm a conspiracy theorist because I buy silver by the pound and other precious metals. Dude, you need to shut up. Stop telling your friends that you do this shit. You're opening yourself up to get robbed. All right. Just act like you're just taking everything down to the fucking bank. Why are you telling me this?

All right. All my friends think I'm a conspiracy theorist. They refuse to keep money in the bank. And if we ever go into a great depression or the government collapses, they're going to seize everybody's money in the bank accounts guaranteed. So I'll keep all my cash hidden at home, which if the currency crashes really in the end, it doesn't do me any good because it won't be worth shit. But I don't like the government to know how much money I have at any given moment.

I think it's a good practice. So yeah, I think people should take their money out of the bank every payday. Actual physical money and dollar bills. Plus when I had the cash in my hand and I run out of it, there's no way I can spend more than I have. I also don't believe in credit cards. Everything I bought was with cash, even cars. $30,000 cars bought with cash.

It may throw up a few red flags, but fuck them. No, it doesn't. Not if you're, you know, not if you're, if you're paying taxes on all, once you deposit it in the bank, there's a record of it. And I think the banks want to know what you're doing with it. They always want to know what you're doing with your money because they want to make money off your money. So what you do every week by giving them money is you give them an interest-free loan on their money. I guess they give you a couple of points of interest.

They provide the service of keeping your money safe, allegedly, even though they're a bunch of crooks. And then they loan it out to your fellow countrymen at super high rates. And, you know, this is another thing too. If you put $7,000, $8,000 in there, they can loan $7,000, $8,000. A hundred percent loan out all that money, like, I don't know, like times three or some, some shit. It's crazy. Back in the day, like when you ran a bank responsibly, when it, say if you had $10,000 in the bank, you could only loan out like, there was a certain percentage you couldn't go past.

Like 30%, I can't remember what it was, but, you know, so the money was still there. And then the bankers through paying off politicians kept getting that money, that number, that percentage bumped up and up and up and up, and they kept getting more and more deregulated, more and more deregulated. Now when you put the money in, they can loan, you put a thousand in, they can loan out, not only a hundred percent of that thousand, they can loan like another $3,000 off of that thousand. A thousand for you, you, you, and you. So they basically counterfeited like three grand.

As far as the shit that I've read, and I haven't looked at stuff up for a while, things might have changed after 2008, but it's a pretty shady thing. But I will tell you, I don't feel comfortable having a bunch of cash in the fucking house. You know, I was here the first 48 playing in my head. So, you know, good luck to you. You know what I did after a while? I just tapped out of conspiracy theory. I got a fucking dog.

I watched sports and I just, I, I'm just, I take comfort knowing that I can only die once. That's what I do. All right. Okay. Oh, Jesus, another fucking hair loss thing. Is this going to be another guy asking me, should I shave my head? Should I not shave my head? Should I glue something on there?

Hey, old flowers for Billion. I'll keep it short parentheses and thinning. I've been losing my hair for the past couple of years. It's thinning at the top and has been doing so for six years. I know you've gone through the same predicament. You're very perceptive. I'm going to go out on a limb. I think, I think, you know what I'm talking about here.

He goes, I am, I know it shouldn't matter and should, I should probably just shave it, but I love my hair. My God. Do I love my hair? I remember when I used to get my hair cut, every barber stylist, stylist I went to said how it was so thick and I would never have to worry about going bald. Those lying fucks. So when it started thinning, I, I like most guys started reading everything I could.

I found out that most men have had success with propitia. It's a one day a pill that you take 60% of men have regrowth. Well, 30% keep what they have. Now, what does that mean? 60% have regrowth and 30% of that 60%. Yeah, I guess that that would be, yeah, that's obvious what that be. Keep what they have. No.

Or is that the other 30, 60% keep what they have. No, 60%. Jesus Christ. They have regrowth, 30% keep what they have. So now are we up to 90%? Yeah, I guess we would be. And it seems not to work for about 10% of men. So it seems like a no brainer to at least try, right?

Well, for about 2% of men. All right, dude, you said 60, 30, 10 and now two. We're up to 102% here. So there's some fucking overlap. It makes their dick not work. They complain of weaker to no erections. Since look, look, that's fucking hilarity. Keep your hair to get the girl to come home and then your dick doesn't work.

That's exactly why I don't fuck with that shit because you can never have your cake and eat it. So I just feel like there's going to be some sort of damage that it does. I just, you know, dude, I'm 48 years old. What am I going to join a boy band? It's fucking over, you know, I got to be honest with you. If you don't fight aging, it's pretty painless. You know, I go to the gym, you know, I keep myself in good shape, all of that other shit.

These fucking, this fucking woman was telling me this weekend that out here in Hollywood, you know, or possibly around the country, I don't know, they have, this is the most disgusting thing. As far as vanity, I think I've heard in a long time. Do you know they have, they have Botox parties? Like they come over, they drink drinks, they watch a show or something like that. And then you can go over and you get like that shit that makes your face look like the Joker. Just shot into your face like this foreign chemical under your skin. You know, I guess it's your skull right there and it is protecting your brain, but I just feel like somehow it's got a leak in there, right?

Or it goes into your fucking bloodstream or something. Somehow it ends up in your brain. I just, you're just literally injecting chemicals into your fucking face. It's the amount of people that won't do heroin, but we'll put Botox in their body. It's just, I don't know. I guess it's whatever the fuck you're into. I don't know. Like I said, if you just accept the fact that, you know, you're no longer young and you dress your age, you know, you don't look that.

If you keep yourself in shape, you look fine. You know what I mean? You don't look sexy. You're not attractive, but you shouldn't be. You should have gotten all that out of your fucking system. This whole fucking thing that you got like these, these, you know, these broads on the fucking real housewives walking around with their bedazzled jeans. They got like four kids and they're still fucking putting, you know, hooker jeans on. It's like, what are you doing?

You're a mom, you know, the husband's walking around with fucking tank tops on. I just don't understand. Put on a sport coat. You're supposed to be adults. I don't know. I blame Madonna. No, I don't. She looks great.

What am I talking about? And I go, oh, what the fuck? What the fuck? Shout out. It's still banger. All right. Sudbury, the ugliest place in Ontario, Canada. Dear Billy Burr, please talk about your experience traveling through Sudbury.

I didn't think it was ugly. I thought it was cool. Did you notice how there were no trees in the area above 10 feet tall or so? Most of the vegetation in the area was destroyed by acid rain caused by the massive mining operations in and around Sudbury. Our stupid tourist attraction is the largest nickel in the world. Luckily, they solved the population problem by building a gigantic smokestack. Currently, the second largest freestanding chimney in the world to spread the pollution

out over a larger area. Industry has been winding down. So now we have more unemployed, hardworking Canadian rednecks than ever. Great place. Can't wait to get anywhere else. That's fucking hilarious. I have a future as a writer, man. See how fucking humor works when you hate where you live?

I didn't hate where I live, but I mean, there's just certain things that can fucking bring it out of you. I had no idea. I didn't know anything about that. I had a great time when I was up there and, you know, I'm a nerd when it comes to traveling. I like going to places I haven't been to. And at this point, there's nothing I like doing better than not going to the major city. I've been to all of them a thousand fucking times. They're great, but I don't know.

I like going to the other places. Des Moines, Deadwood, right? It's that one I went to in fucking Louisiana. It begins with an S. I can't even remember. It wasn't New Orleans. It doesn't begin with an S. It's Connecticut.

Shreveport, right? I don't fucking know. Anyways, open relations. Hi there, Billy Baldbags. What the fuck is up with open relationships these days? I'm a 37 year old lady, unexpectedly widowed. I'm sorry to hear that. And after eight years, after eight years with my husband, I'm getting back out there in the dating world

and I've discovered a plethora of people who are in open or polyamorous relationships. I don't know what polyamorous means. All right. Open relationship means like, yeah, you know, keep it clean. I don't want to know about it. Don't make sure it's nobody. I know polyamorous. Amorous.

Is a practice or desire for intimate relationships evolving more than two people? Oh, so they have three sums together. That's so fucking weird. Does the couple like break down the game tape afterwards? Like, I just felt like you licked her pussy a little better than mine. You know, do you make like halftime adjustments when you switch in positions? Open relationship. Does it get me in trouble?

Rules to be looking at this online. This is my search engine. Open relationship. Six rules for doing the whole open relation thing right. One, don't do it. Two, don't do it. All right, open relationship. All right.

Okay, here we go. One, understand what an open relationship actually is. There's a lot of confusion about what is and what isn't an open relationship. Some people who are in long distance relationships say they're in an open relationship. They both hook up with whoever, but just don't talk about it. By the word open connotes honesty. All right, so they have to know about it. An open relationship acknowledges that couples can have their needs met by other people.

If you're really okay with that, why keep it a secret? All right. It's actually a great point. If you are okay with it, it shouldn't bug you. What'd you do today, honey? Oh, I went down to Home Depot. I had some chick blow me on the way home and I got a pizza. Oh, that's great.

I tape thunder games, hunger games, whatever the fuck they're called, thunder games. Make sure you're doing it right, doing it for the right reasons. Are you interested in an open relationship just because you want to be with other people? Or is it that you're interested in physical experiences with other people, but you want to stay committed to sharing your emotional and spiritual self with one person? That's where it gets complicated. Set some boundaries. No anal.

Every person's guidelines are different, but there are always things to think about before you enter into an open relationship. Do you both need to be present in order for sex with other people to be okay? Can you be with one gender and not the other? Are certain sect acts off the table? These are all important things. That's like the early days of USC. All right.

No more eye gouging. You can't do that thing where the other guy puts the finger in your ass and then you go, all right, I give, I give. All right. That's actually a wrestling move. You can believe it. Anyone you hook, tell your other partners. Anyone you hook up with outside your relationship deserves to know the deal.

Try say something like, I find you attractive, but you should know my partner and I are in an open relationship. So there's someone else in my life that way they can be fully informed. Okay. Keep it healthy. That's obvious. Have regular checkups. There you go.

All right. So now that I'm a little more fucking educated, what the fuck did that just say? Oh, 60 turn-ons for better sex. Turn-ons for over 60. I think I am a little dyslexic. All right. So she says she's getting in there and everybody. Okay.

So there's a bunch of like husbands and wives looking to hook up with her or people who are saying that they're in open relationships. She goes, I've read recently started dating a great guy who lives with the mother of his kids in a supposedly sexless domestic partnership. We have a great connection and we enjoy each other's company, but he doesn't have a lot of extra chill time due to his family commitments. I have kids too. The same age as his even.

I keep telling him, let's all hang out together, but he is hesitant, which makes me question the openness of his open relationship. Or maybe he just wants to fuck you. All right. Keep telling him let's hang out together. Okay. I should have walked away sooner, but he gives really good head. Jesus Christ.

I'm not ready for anything too serious. I just wish he had more time to spend with me socially. This seems to be more and more common. These I'm so cool and modern. I'm going to fuck you and then go home to my wife hipsters. Should I keep seeing this guy? Thanks for your insight. I'm a former Bostonian living in Hawaii.

I'm a huge fan. You keep me laughing through some hard times and I fucking love your old freckled face. Thank you. Thank you. I would say, yeah, I don't know. That's all fucking. Look, if you just want to fuck around, but like this guy obviously doesn't want to do anything more.

Even if he didn't have a wasn't with somebody else, if he doesn't want to hang out with you, then that means he just wants to be fuck buddies, which is totally cool. If you know that that's the deal. If you're all right with that, I would continue seeing him. If you're not, I would move on. And if you're sick of meeting people like that, I'm sure there's men who are men who, um, that didn't work. I was going to say men who are sick of meeting women who are in an open relationship.

Yeah. Guys would be like, yeah, that's cool. You don't want to hang out. Perfect. Up top sounds good to me. Um, yeah, I would, I, if you're your age, how busy you are and all that shit. I'm not trying to be a dick. I'm 10 years old and you say I'm not talking down to you.

You're 37. You got fucking kids. The kinds of people you're going to meet in the civilian world are also going to be married with kids. I'm saying are divorced. I mean, um, I would join it. I would join a dating site. That's what I would do.

And, uh, just say what you want. I would fucking go out and try and find it when you're ready, when you're ready. But, um, you know, as far as all that other shit, I mean, that's up to you. I have no, I have no fucking idea. That just made me happy that I'm fucking married. Um, and Jesus Christ, more and more fucking brutal. God damn shit. I'm not even getting to, I know you guys all heard some sad news about comedians this

past week, man. Just fucking brutal. Absolutely fucking brutal. Made me, uh, feel very lucky and blessed. So once again, thank you to everybody that keeps coming out to my shows. And, um, that's it. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves.

I'll check in on you on Thursday. And, um, that's it. Don't take any shit out there. You fucking cunts.