Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-26-21

Episode Date: April 26, 2021

Bill rambles about magazine articles, flat earth logic, and shameless obesity.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, April 26th. Hey, we're almost through another one. Oh, what a, who would have thought? How do I turn the volume down? This seems a little loud here. It seems a little loud. Oh, Jesus. You know, I watched that Pope of Greenwich Village. I was telling you guys that on Saturday, Saturday, and I can't get the summer wind was blowing in from across the sea. I cannot get that song out of my fucking head. It lingered there to touch your hair. Just fucking amazing lyrics. Anyway, I am back here. I'm going, going, back, back to Cali. I'm back in Los Angeles. I had a great time on the acting gig and I just got

some great feedback from the director. Very excited. Very excited. It was a fucking killer role. You know, it was written amazing. And all I had to do was just say what they wrote. That's, that's how I do it. Okay. If you want, if you want to be seen as a good actor, you'd, you, you just let everybody else do the heavy lifting. Let somebody else write some great shit for you to say, and you will always look good. That's, that's how I do it. You know, because I'm limited. All right, go fuck yourself. I do what I can. I do what I can. So anyway, as of this afternoon, 3 30 PM, all freckles, all Billy Redballs is fully vaccinated. I got my second vaccine two weeks ago. I'm all fucking good. So I figured this fall tour might be

happening with the amount of people getting vaccinated and then the amount of people that got COVID are ready. So they have antibodies. I think we can, you know, maybe I can play at 200. Maybe, you know, people can be sitting next to each other eating jalapeno poppers like the old days. Oh, that would be great. Oh, the summer wind came blowing in into the funny bone in Springfield, Illinois, or fucking St. Louis. I don't care. I just want to do some stand up comedy in a venue that is indoors. And not have to scream over some fucking highway traffic. So anyway, I'm almost at the end of the second straight month of being stone fucking sober. So whatever, I got to do something here. I'm going to have a cigar next week. I'm going to get

all the way through April and then I'm going to sit down and I'm going to look through all the fucking cigars I have going to give away a lot of them, but I'm going to have a nice fucking stick. I'm going to shit down in a fucking lawn chair. I'm going to put on a baseball game on a transistor radio. I'm going to go total fucking old man, right? Shorts, dark socks, sock garters sitting in my driveway with a giant fucking umbrella over myself while my kids at school. So she won't see me smoking. So I can set an example. That's what you do. That's you set an example by pretending to be somebody you're not. Hello, I am a sober person who tries not to use curse words swearing swearing. That's how that's how white people used to say it was swearing and black people

said cursing then somewhere along the line. Right when hip hop fucking crossed over, white people started saying cursing. It was swearing when I was a kid. You know, and it was ranking on people that was what fucking make making fun of somebody. Dude, he got fucking busted for swearing and study. He was fucking ranking on Mac and the teacher came in. He didn't fucking see him. So anyway, I had a great fucking day today. I hung out with my kids. My little man is walking does like four steps. It's I don't know. It's awesome. And it's also sad. It's like, Oh, I love my little buddy when he would crawl across the floor, you know, because I get down on all fours, and I yell out his name. And he turns around, he sees me gets this big smile, this fucking two and a half teeth on

the bottom. He comes crawling over like super fast. Like a fucking Komodo dragon, except he's adorable and won't eat you while you're still alive. Like those fucking things. He already loves rough housing and that type of stuff. He's he's hilarious. And but now he's like standing up. But what's cool is is now that he's almost a little person. Once they start walking, they become like this little person is he's now he's big enough where he can play with his big sister. And anybody out there who's got a couple of kids knows that amazing magical moment. The first time you see your two kids playing with each other. It's the greatest thing ever. And I was worried that, you know, you know, you always get worried, like, are they going to like each other or whatever. And

he like absolutely frigging idolizes her. Like she comes in the room and he's looking around just seeing, you know, because she's got crazy kid energy, just like him. And he just he's like, I that she whatever this is, that is like me. And he just gravitates towards her. So it's fucking awesome, man. And, you know, I got to ride bikes with my daughter today. And oh, and then also I, you know, I drive my old truck on the weekends, I like doing that shit. So I went over and I hung out with Dean del Rey. And we went over to this, the big Ford dealership out in the valley, because I wanted to look at the colors of the trucks just to see all the different options. And they kind of got all these different colors for the F 150. They got one,

it looks like a fucking root beer color was fucking incredible. They have a Shelby F 150. You know, the whole thing with like the Shelby skunk stripe down the fucking middle, just an insane, insane truck. And then also the last thing which I couldn't believe. I mean, I'm a Ford guy, if you haven't fucking noticed, I fucking love Fords. So I took a picture of this thing. I took some video of it, actually, sent it to the guy who rebuilt the engine on my truck. They have the Mach 1 Mustang. It's in like fighter jet gray. And it has, it's a six speed stick shift. And it's got the white ball like the old school Hurst shifter on it. It's just fucking insane. Fucking insane. And I was with Dean and Dean was just basically like, dude, if I had any gigs

on the books, I'd fucking buy that right now. The thing was fucking sick. So anyway, I got to see the velocity blue on an F 150 and it looked really fucking cool. If you have like, if you don't get the chrome, if you get like the black grill and everything. But you know, all of them were like four doors. I like the regular cab. I don't like the super the way that they used to fucking look when I was a kid. I like them looking like that. So we went over there and then we went out and got like tacos at this place. I think it's a taco 1986 or something. Fucking amazing, amazing fucking tacos out here. That was my afternoon. I did that while my daughter was taking a nap. And then I came back. My daughter was still sleeping.

You know, so I went into the garage back my truck in and then sat down and I played some drums. And then I got a text message that she was awake. You know, I opened the garage door, we rode bikes. And then that's it. And I'm going to hang out and have my I was going to bullshit. You say my once a week fucking milkshake because that's all I do now. My one evil fucking bad thing that I do. But I ate like shit when I was out on the road though. I'm not going to lie to you. It's all about eating healthy when you go on the road. That first meal has to be healthy for me or I just go off the rails. I literally fucking on the flight home. The lady there goes, there's not going to be any food on the flight home.

And I was like, Oh, fuck. So I thought she meant even snacks because they actually brought snacks around. So I went out and just loaded up. And I got like, I usually get the small can of Pringles potato chips, but all they had was the big one. So I got that. And then I was like, well, I got to get a soda to go with it. There's some pop, as they say in the Midwest. And I went over and they actually had fucking root beer. So there was that. And then I got a little charcuterie fucking thing. And I just sat there like a fucking lunatic pulling my mask down every two seconds, just chowing down. And I bought some magazines. I bought this one, the New Yorker that talked, I got, you know, I got through the first third of the story is poor woman from a certain part

of China where she lives. I couldn't tell if it was this part of China that has gone back and forth between, you know, Mongolia, having control of it, China having control of it, Russia having control of it. And there's some group of people over there that are, you know, that live there during all of this bullshit and for whatever reason, they're not considered 100% Chinese. And now they're getting fucked with it's just that classic like, why can't people just fucking leave people alone? Why can't they just let people be free? What the fuck is wrong with human beings? What is that fucking flaw? How can there be a God? If this is how human beings like the the fucking, the sick and twisted ones that get to the fucking top and just fucking do their sick

and twisted shit. It's so fucked up. There's gotta be, you know what it is? It's nice people. Nice people don't kill other human beings and psychos kill other human beings. That's how psychos get in control. The day nice people start killing psychos, I think, you know, that's the day it starts to turn around. How do you get a nice person? You know, I think psychos that, you know, where everybody else tries to live by the 10 commandments, I think psychos live by like, like three commandments. That's like, you know, what, you know, the fifth commandment does not exist with those fucking lunatics. So not saying I'm, you know, I haven't broken some commandments. Okay, let's be fucking crazy. But I'm just saying,

but I'm just saying, Jesus Christ, kind of a fucking, the fuck is that on the windows? God damn fucking bugs. The nerve of you to exist here. And there I am right here, breaking the fifth commandment with a fucking insect. All right. Blowing ahead here. So yeah, I just don't know. So I was reading that and then I got this ESPN, the magazine thing on Hank Aaron, which was that was amazing. I read that and then I got this time magazine thing that was talking about students, the young kids, like they lost like a year of school and interacting with each other and like what that's going to do for them and shit. I didn't get around to that one, but I don't know. I had a great time though, just

fucking. I haven't eaten that bad. Like that, like as far as just the amount of random shit. Oh, I said M&Ms. I mean, this is like when I was in junior high and I would go to lunch and I didn't like what the lunch was for that day. And then I would just buy a brownie, the three cookies, some chips. And I don't know what I remember one time, bring it all of that shit over and this kid looks at me like, dude, you're going to get zits. So anyway, I forgot to tell you guys this fucking story, right? By the way, I did end up going to a museum. I went to this Native American museum out where I was at and it was amazing. Just the art there was just amazing.

And you know, just the usual shit. And then I was just like, they were living like this, they're having a good time. And then white people came, you know, and then you see the little moccasins, you know, like there were kids there too. It's just like, I just don't fucking get how people can do that to other people. Look at this shit. You know, somebody when I was telling me about, all right, let me see if I can find this Native Americans. I don't know what it was. They were basically, they got, you know, relocated to this patch of land that the white people thought was shit. That it turned out to be, they were sitting on top of oil. And, you know, it was like the Beverly Hillbillies rebooted with Native Americans, except

the Beverly Hillbillies, when those, you know, poor white people found oil. I mean, granted, it's just a TV show. They fucking, they were allowed to keep it. Well, that's not what happened here. Relocated oil. And we'll put in massacre. Let's see what this comes up here. Okay. In the 1920s, a community conspired to kill Osage murder, reveal a conspiracy. The setting was the Osage, I hope I'm saying that right, Indian nation in the 1920s when oil deposits, yeah, this is it. This is it. So they just started picking them off, I think. Members of the Osage Indian nation became very wealthy in the 1920s after oil deposits were found on their land. Then local whites began targeting the tribe. Yeah, there's a new book on it. Oh, fuck.

Grands new Terry Gross's host. Grands new book. Let's see history 1920s. G R A N N. The guy wrote a book on it. David Grand. Wow. All right. You want to hear me read? I'll read a little bit of this here. All right. So he's on fresh air. And all the conservatives, all that liberal shit, it probably never even happened. I bet the Native Americans ever once actually attacked a white people. All right. Okay. Right. And then something happens to her sister, Anna, tell us about that. So her family becomes a prime target of a conspiracy. And one day in 1921, her sister, Anna Brown disappears. And Molly

looks everywhere for her searching along the prairie. A week later, Anna's body is found in a ravine. She's been shot in the back of the head. And it's the first hint that Molly's family has become a target of this conspiracy. And then her tribe has become a target of the conspiracy. Yeah, they just started picking them off. I mean, can you fucking imagine like how fucking greedy and sick are you as a fucking person that you, that you, I don't know, like that you, you, you're buying into this horseshit that you're more of a person than this other person. So it doesn't even matter if you walk up to some kid, innocent kid and shoot him in the back of the head, because you want this fucking goop in the ground. So you can do what? Get a fucking hot tub?

You know, I guarantee you that person probably went to church every week. Just fucking insane. So yeah, read up on that. If you want, I actually heard, I think Martin Scorsese in Leonardo DiCaprio might be doing a movie on that. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I might have to bleep that out. I don't know if that's somebody told me that. I have no idea. Anywho. Yeah, so anyway, so I went to this museum and I was sitting there and at one point it had like this, this glass area where you could just sort of look out on the land where some of these Native Americans were relocated to and this old woman was sitting there. There was these rocking chairs and we're just sort of sitting there and I got up to leave

and then she just goes, are those eagles? These birds were flying. Now I've never seen an eagle. As far as I know, I've never seen one and I went out there and they were, they were fucking eagles. I was like, holy shit. And I was trying to squink on. I can't see their white heads though. And she goes, that's because, you know, they don't get the white feathers until they get older. She goes, those are either eagles or those are giant hawks, really big hawks. And I looked, I said, no, those are eagles because I wanted them to be an eagle because I've never seen one. I am 99.9. Let's see. I don't know. Let's see. How much of my money would I bet? Well, I don't can't lose my money. Kids, whatever. I was really sure that they were.

There was something about their wings. I took video of it and I zoomed in and just how the way they, the ends of their wings turn up like the way they do, like on like those jets, how they got that thing on the end of the wing now. Whatever. I think I finally saw a fucking eagle and I was pretty goddamn excited about that. But oh, here's a story that I wanted to tell you. I forgot to tell you this. When I was on the plane ride out, all right, I got a first class ticket because that's how I fly. Okay, I spent 20 years in the back of the plane. I ain't going back, but I can tell you right now, it's not a bad time flying back to the plane. I felt stupid. I sat up in first class, first class, first class was packed. And then in the back, there was like

nobody. So those people could like stretch out and shit and also not have to worry about somebody fucking breathing on you, you know, with the fucking next to Bola or some shit. So I got a kick out of that. So anyway, I'm sitting there and on the flight out this fucking douche, this fucking douche in the fucking first class front row, not talking about myself, not saying I'm not a douche either. But you know, I was a quiet douche. This douche was a loud douche, an unmistakable douche. The flight attendant, the lady there, the lady stewardess there, she fucking goes, we might, the douche started bitching about the fucking internet before we even got going. And she goes, we, well, we might have a problem. I'm not really sure that that had done. She said

something about how the customer service, something about the customer service. And the guy goes, yeah, that's so you won't have bad ratings. And he started bitching and he started bitching about how they made the seats more uncomfortable. And he's fucking talking to her like she's the one that puts the seats in the fucking plane, right? Now I got no problem. If some stewardess is fucking sitting there going like, you know, sir, can you fucking stick the thing in the fucking so we can get going? If you're going to be like, I don't have a problem at that point being like, Hey, lady, I'm doing the best I can here. Hey, buddy, relax. Okay, you're cramming us in here like sardines. I'm trying to do the best I can here. All right. I don't have a problem

with that. But when you start bitching about literally the plane, like she has that that type of stuff there, I mean, it's fucking ridiculous. So this guy goes, you know, you made the seats more uncomfortable, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I so wanted to be like, Hey, fatso, what about the fact that you've probably gained three and a half to seven and a half pounds every year since you graduated? You're at least 40 pounds over fucking weight. Maybe if you had a fucking salad every once in a while, the seats wouldn't seem so uncomfortable. They don't feel uncomfortable to me. I've been flying fucking this airline forever. Why didn't I say that? There's got to be a nice way to say it without getting kicked off the plane.

Excuse me, sir, I couldn't help notice, but you're you seem to be obese. Okay, I'm not saying you're going to be on my 600 pound life, but just being 30 pounds overweight is is is, you know, they can write you up for being obese, even at your height, and you look like you're at least 50, 60 pounds overweight. Okay, so I mean, what are they supposed to wheel on here? A fucking double wide lazy boy for your fat ass. It's fucking dude, it's fucking ridiculous. And people always say that I come down on fat people. I do. I come down on them because they're chowing down and then they turn around, they start bitching at people and they don't they don't address the problem. You know what I mean? It's like I'm a bald orange cunt. Okay, my head is going to get

colder faster than someone that has a nice thick luscious mane of fucking hair, right? If I'm going to fucking sit there, and you know, I'm sitting on the plane, and everybody else with a full head of hair feels fine. Am I going to start bitching that it's a little chilly in there? If I feel chilly, I fucking look around. I'm like, Oh, all right, well, no one else is fucking complaining. I put my hat on. I don't start bitching about the fucking vent, you know, but bald people are not considered handicapped or whatever the whatever these fat shows are fucking angling towards. You know, I don't know. I just couldn't fucking look at bitching about the chenlady had to literally sit there is this fat

slacked fucking burger eaten jerk off is talking about uncomfortable fucking seat. It's like you think the seats on how do you think the seat feels trying to hold you fucking lard ass up. I don't know, but I know you're not supposed to say that you're supposed to call these people heroes and say that they're beautiful as they eat their way into a diabetic coma. I guess that's the way you do it. I mean, I don't know. It's fucking strange to me. So I mean, if you can have kick a ginger day, I can't make fun of fatties. I just don't understand. I should actually like fat people. So in kick a ginger day, they're easy to outrun. Maybe that's what it is. So what else can I bitch about to get people going? Oh, yeah, I was I went down to the

supermarket today, you know, because I got to fucking make up for all the horrific way I just ate over the last couple of days on that amazing super fun fucking acting gig. So I get outright, I'm driving down the street, and the person in front of me is driving like super fucking slow or whatever. And this is fucking guy. I couldn't get mad at him. He was on a bicycle, right? But he was at least over on the side of the road. So he was trying to share the road, right? As opposed to those fucking assholes that run like ride like two side by side out in the road with their whole share the road thing. Like, you know, you have to fucking, you know, acknowledge me and fucking be safe around me and all that. And then you watch him blow through red lights and

stop signs, even though they're legally required to follow the same rules of the road, they all fucking fly through, they don't put their feet down with their little dance and slippers that they have clicked in like they're in some fucking time trial, right? So anyway, this guy's driving down the street. And what's fucking hilarious to me is from the waist down, he looks like a drunk driver who lost his license. He's trying to get to work. He's got on jeans, regular sneakers, and he's riding on the side of the road. But up top, he's got the fucking yellow Lance Armstrong jersey, like he's the leader in the fucking race. So that just cracked me up. So I was actually muttering to myself going, you know, I get mad at this guy, but he's obviously leading this fucking

race here of drunk drivers, convicted drunk drivers. So I don't want to get mad at him. But he fucking blew through two red lights. And the time I was behind it was hilarious, just fucking hilarious. It's not hilarious. But when they get hit, then they act like it's some fucking tragedy. And it's just like, you know, I saw a thing on fucking Instagram, this guy in a motorcycle. Now I love fucking motorcycles and that type of shit. But if you're going to do fucking wheelies in traffic, this fucking guy is doing this wheelie, right? Fuck it down. And this person goes to make a fucking U turn. And this guy doesn't see him because he's doing a fucking wheelie. And fortunately, full speed or whatever, like doing like I swear to God, like 50 miles an

hour slammed into the passenger rear side door. And everybody's like, Oh my God, that person doing the U turn, what a fucking asshole, blah, blah, blah, blah. Few people said they were both at fault. But nobody addressed the fact that if that dude with that fucking bike had hit the driver's side door perpendicular like that, I mean, I would think you would do could kill somebody doing that, right? I don't know. I kind of feel like bike riders, motorcycle riders and fat people and feminists never think they're in the wrong. All right, sorry. Every once in a while, you just got to say some dumb shit to make sure the emails keep coming in that ought to get them going. You know, what's funny is guys who ride bikes shave their legs, but women who are feminists

do not. It's weird. It's just a fucking weird thing. And fat people would shave their legs, but they can't get to it. They say, Oh my God, you could sell one for 1999. You know that shit, you know, that helps like, you know, those big people fucking wash their backs, you know, I'm miming it right now. It's like, it's like a fucking luffa with a fucking flagpole attached to it, right? A tent stick, right? You do that. You get one of those for with a shaving blade on the end of it. You know, 1999. Oh my God, my legs have not looked this smooth in years. All right, I think that's enough fucking ignorance. Just every once in a while, you got to prime the pump people. You know what I mean? All right, let's let's read. Let's read some of the advertising

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about the team. I feel good about the team. All right, let's do some of the reads here for the week. Let's see how far into this fucking bullshit am I? 34 minutes of just absolute fucking ignorance. Oh, by the way, I didn't know Max Verstappen won the sex. The second Formula One race of the season. So Lewis Hamilton won the first one. Verstappen wasn't second. And then Verstappen won the second one. And Lewis Hamilton wasn't second. So Lewis Hamilton's up by one or two points. You know, I swear to God, I swear to God, if Verstappen had just passed him and just stayed a conter over, it would have been a legal pass. He would have won both fucking races. All right, so I'm already worried that that's all he need. I just want to see somebody else.

I don't give a fuck if Lewis wins it. I just want to see competition. So it looks like it's going to happen this year. So I'm in. I'm in. So I'm watching the Formula One and I'm watching the fucking MotoGP and they both have races next weekend. So I'm very excited about that. I think that's it, right? Is that all I wanted to talk about? Yeah, I think it is. Oh, the Oscars are tonight too, by the way, which seemed really cool that they're doing them at the Union Station downtown. Nia showed me the opening with Regina King coming walking in this whole like tracking shot, whatever the fuck you call it. Look cool as hell though. So we shall see. We shall see what happens there. All right, HOA bullshit continued. Oh,

home, organization, association or something like that. This is when like people in a neighborhood want to pretend that they live in a gated community, but they don't. They just want to control who moves in and who doesn't. Once again, it's just one of those things that starts off. It's a great idea. Hey, we have a nice fucking neighborhood here. You know, all it takes is one fucking jerk off to come in, knock a house down and then make build something that looks like a white castle. They happen to a buddy of mine. It literally got built, you know, literally built a house that looked like a fucking white castle thinking his house looked like a castle. It doesn't. It looks like I can go in there and order those delicious tiny little burgers. Oh my God. I haven't eaten a white

castle in forever. Anyway, HOA bullshit continued. But then what ends up happening is it's just this great way to what's going to happen is you only start the HOA is most people are going to sort of participate and what's going to happen is the psycho control freaks once again will rise to the top and then they will just start unleashing the psycho within. And then this is the vehicle. All right, HOA bullshit continued. Dear Billy, buckets of frankincense and burr. I don't know what frankincense is. I know it's been a few weeks since you've talked about the horrors of neighborhoods with an HOA, so I figured I would rekindle the fire a bit. I love it. Last June, I bought a house that is in a neighborhood with an HOA. And while I knew beforehand that HOAs are usually a fucking scam, I really

had no choice as most of the neighborhoods in my area have them. Yeah, plus, you know, houses are so fucking expensive now. It's almost like if you can afford one, people just going to grab it, you know? All right. Oh, well, well, the house I bought had these boulders on the corner of the driveway in the street, probably to prevent people from driving on the grass. Fast forward a few months, I get an email from the HOA president, Christina, whom I always refer to in email replies as Christine in hopes to piss her the fuck off. Oh, dude, that's fucking hilarious. Anyways, she emails me telling me I need to remove the rocks or I'll be fine $20 a day after the 10th day if I do not remove them. So I go into Google Maps and I look at the street view from two years prior,

and I see the boulder sitting there, which means she just now decided to enforce this rule that causes no harm to fucking anyone. Like, what if you don't fucking, what jurisdiction do they have? Uh, no. I can't afford to do it. She goes, anyway, he goes, I removed the rocks and then emailed her back stating so you should put them in her yard. No, you know, you do just save one of them. Save one of them, right? And then a few years later, like a psycho Irishman that never forgets you throw it through her fucking bay window. No, don't do that. Don't do that. I removed the rocks and then emailed her back stating so and how they were in the two year old street view pictures and also asked her how one gets elected HOA president because I was interested in the job. Not surprisingly,

she replied with the short thank you for removing the rocks without acknowledging any part of the email. Yeah. That's right, dude. You fucking go after her to top it off the cunt raised HOA dues by $50 a year for 2021, which can only be stopped if there is an 80% support against the rate raise. It's honestly hilarious to me how much of a power trip Christine is on telling other middle class homeowners what to do. Fuck HOAs. Have a good weekend and go fuck yourself. Oh, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude. That is like that would fucking eat me up inside. So what you your only thing that you can do is just keep doing more of that Christine shit to her. That's the only thing that you can do and then run. And then what you have to do

is just be a fucking salt of the earth guy for everybody else in that neighborhood. Run for fucking president and run on the platform and if elected, I will not break your balls about fucking tiki tack horseshit in your fucking yard. I will not allow crazy people to move in this neighborhood, but I will not tell you how tall your fucking shed can or can't be who the fuck isn't going to go with that. That's what you do. All right. Flat earth or wanted to reach out. Oh, I love it. I love it. You know, here we go. Here we go. Let's get into this. Come on. Convince me. Hey, Billy, beta boy. I'm a beta boy now. Okay. And you're the alpha. Okay. I see you're constantly discussing

the flat earth phenomenon. I'm not constantly discussing it. You are. I'm just making fun of it. Fat people think I'm constantly talking about them or I have been lately. Um, can I ask you a question? Do you think fat people around? Do you think they're flat too? Ah, sorry. It was too easy. Um, and I wanted to reach out for the record. I am not a scientist or math lead. Yeah, I could have, you know, you didn't need for the record. I could have fucking told you that I have, however, read tons of literature and nonfiction books about the discussion. A nonfiction book was written about this one for the fucking 1200s. I am reaching out to see you to see if you are actually interested hearing from a genuine critical thinker on the topic.

I have a PowerPoint that has been in the works for some time and would be doing a video about it to start up. No, I'm not reading this. I'm not, I'm not going to fucking read your PowerPoint fucking discussion. What I want you to, I just want you fucking flat earthers to tell me what, why would they tell you it's round when it's flat? What is the advantage? I get, I get a lot of conspiracy. I get people when they say, I'm worried about the vaccine. What if this is what they're using for population control? I, I, that makes that paranoid thought 100% makes fucking sense considering what governments have done to forget about other people, their own fucking people. What, what, what this government has done to people who

aren't fucking white. I 100% get that paranoia. Okay. Because I see the fucking in the reason that they're doing it and the advantage of, of them doing that, taking out all of these fucking people so they can live. These people all fucking die and then this global warming shit slows down. There's more room for them, more property and all that I totally get that shit, but I just don't get like if it was flat, right? Why would you tell me it's fucking round? Because the reality is I don't care as long as gravity still works and I don't float away from the fucking planet. I don't give a shit,

but this fucking crap here where people are trying to say that there is a fucking ice wall, like somebody would have seen it and taken video of it. Why is there no video of the fucking ice wall? Why isn't there anything out there where there's people standing, looking over, going, look at this. If I take a step here, I'm going to fall all the way down off the earth, right? Just show me that. I'm not reading a bunch of fucking books, but if you want to read books on this, this is to start off with the moon is within the earth's atmosphere. Even if we went to the moon, it's still not in outer space. Oh my God. Sir, could you get a pilot's license and then please tell me that you still believe this shit? Flat earth as a concept

is not old. Is it not old? Yeah, no. My whole life, everybody thought it was fucking round till the internet came around. It is actually new. Oh, you're saying back in the day, Columbia. Okay, the book below basically discusses how it was an invention to discredit evolutionary critics. From the time of the Greeks onward, anyone was aware of the shape. Everyone was aware of the shape of the earth. And yes, the meme that Columbus was the only one who thought the earth was round is entirely inaccurate. Yeah, I would believe that. I believe that. Yeah, I believe that there was plenty of smart people that fucking figured that out mathematically. Oh my God. Are you going to tell me now that the sun goes around the fucking earth?

Okay, I don't, I don't know what to tell you, buddy. Okay. I'm sure you're aware of the origins of NASA being that America took in war criminals. An organization we should be skeptical of at the very least. Oh yeah, absolutely. I agree with that. But like the thing about it is, is then every single fucking country, our allies, our enemies, every fucking leader, all of them, all the scientists all got on the same page for this fucking lie. They can't get on the same page about anything. We can't even get on the same page about what to do or what not to do with this fucking virus. But you're telling me all of these world leaders who constantly fight each other, constantly make up shit, constantly steal from each other, constantly try to wipe each other out.

So the one place where they all agree to lie about is that the world's round. That's what the fuck you're telling me. Like I said before, I am not in and not intelligent in a standard sense. Well, neither am I. Okay, but I'm smart enough to listen to other, I don't know, whatever. I have been told I'm more wise than smart. I'm not a Christian. I am college educated currently serving in the California Army National Guard. Well, that's great. Have somebody take you up in a fucking plane. Uh, thanks and go fuck yourself with knowledge. Yeah, buddy, I'm not wasting my time with that. I am not wasting my fucking time with that until somebody can want, okay, here's the deal. I will read that shit if you can tell me what the advantage of is telling a meathead like me

that it is fucking round when it's actually flat. Actually, fuck all of that. There is video about everything. Everybody has a fucking camera with them right now. Send me video of somebody standing on the fucking ice wall. Okay, at the edge of the fucking, all of these fucking people that have pilots licenses and have boats and all of this shit, somehow they've never gone out and seen it and posted it on their fucking YouTube page like, Hey man, I don't want to freak people out, but like I was sailing around the world and got a little lost and I ran into a fucking wall right in the middle of the ocean and then I climbed up on it. I mean, what the fuck?

All right. Anyway, not to mention I flew around the world one time in a plane. So the pilots must have been in on it, right? Like just do a subtle. I flew from LA to Australia, back to New Zealand, up to Singapore, Hong Kong, Mumbai, then Dubai, then New York City, and then to LA. Okay, I did that. And if you can sit there and tell me that this guy was doing all these twisties and turnies and all of that type of shit, that essentially that every, I can't get into it. I mean, dude, there's a fucking reason

why when they fly to Europe, they fly north first before they head over the fucking ocean. It's because it's round and up top there, it's a shorter distance and they save money on fuel. Or is the map that I'm watching on the plane also lying to me, which would mean all of these fucking people know that it's really fucking flat. And for whatever reason, they're all lying to people like me. And for what? I actually think you're just doing this just to fuck with me, just to watch me get worked up. I will go along with a lot of fucking conspiracy theory, but I just can't with that one. I can't. I can't do it. All right, censorship. Dear Billy Bubble Boy, I work for a small magazine,

and in the last few years, the amount of censorship I've seen is incredible. Yeah, I don't doubt that. And I'm an older lady and I've been writing for lifestyle and arts for 40 years. Every day now, I see some form of silencing or ostracizing over opinions. Yeah, and I bet it's coming from the left, but nine ones too. Yeah, from the left and from corporate lawyers who are trying to preemptively anticipate how these lefties are going to get fucking, these severe lefties are going to get offended. The diversity of ideas is almost dead. Our pitch meetings used to have really independent ideas. I assume there would be a reversal, but instead it has become more vigilant. It's coming. It's coming. It's adjusted.

It'll just back and then they'll be in the middle again. I'm not speaking about controversial topics. For example, a piece on a newly discovered art form, art from a particular part of the world, was pitched to the editors, but because the region of the world the art came from is associated with taboo opinions, it could inadvertently upset a reader. Yeah, this is because of people on the left, the extreme people on the left. This is what they did to critical thinking, free ideas, and all of that. They think that they are liberal and they're not. They are fucking their dictators. It reminds me of the society my father grew up in in Eastern Europe. All opinions published in taught in schools were subjected to a collective idea, always disguised as what's good for the

people. Do you see a reversal in this? Would appreciate your insight. Yes, I do. What it's going to take is people going out of your way to say exactly what the fuck you're thinking. I've been trying to do that with my stand-up act. I really have to work on pushing out because there was like a three-year period where I kind of gave into that. Oh, I don't say that. Maybe some of you, if I say that, am I going to get in trouble? And I started alleging or arming some shit. And then last summer, I did the Chappelle retreat there out in Ohio and there were no phones or anything. And I was like, holy fuck, this is the way it used to be. And I could say whatever I wanted. And I realized that because

of these fucking lefty assholes, I had been censoring myself on stage. And I should not have done that. And so I think there needs to be an awakening because I think a lot of people are doing what you're the place where you work at are actually doing it themselves. A lot of advice I get from my reps is don't do that. It's not worth it. Don't say this. Don't do a project about this. Don't stick up for this comic that's getting shit on. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. I've pretty much ignored that for the most part. Those ones when people are getting canceled, there's that thing where it's like you want to support, but then you also don't want to keep it going. And you kind of hope when

it's one of those three-day things and then nobody gives a fucking they've moved on to something else. It's really a fucking shameful period, much like the Red Scare. And just when this all is said and done and people look back on it, the amount of really decent people who just didn't do anything wrong, who had their careers taken from them, it's just fucking, I don't know. It's just human beings. We're awful. Okay, here we go. Why I don't care about being obese. All right, dear Bill, I don't listen to your podcast a lot, mostly just YouTube clips and your specials on Netflix. While on YouTube the other day, I came across Bill Maher's opinion on fat shaming, which led to this rabbit hole of different celebrities sharing their opinion on obesity,

then I remembered you. Are you calling me a celebrity? Thank you. On your special talking about how plus-sized models wanted to be treated as beautiful or fatties as you call them. I'm morbidly obese and I agree. These people are not beautiful and I doubt the vast majority of the general populace think that they are beautiful unless you have a BBW kink. I don't know what that is. Having said that, I, being a fatty, am impervious to fat shaming. I know I am ugly. Okay, we share that. I know I'm ugly too. All right, and fat and no one would want to touch me. The thing is, I don't care. Okay, well you care on some level because you're writing me. This is not to say that I allow being fat to overly interfere in other people's lives. I normally buy a business

class seat because they are bigger and I won't make the person next to me feel squished. If I can't fit in the car with my friends, I'll hire a cab or an Uber, which takes me along with them to wherever we want to go. I know being fat is curable. The thing is, I don't want to cure it. This guy is like the punk rock fat guy. That was like the guy I know who's been just bozing his face off forever and he's never tried to quit. I don't know. There's something I envy about that. Anyway, and if someone tries to shame me rather than persuade me to cure it, it just irritates me. At one point I literally recreated the $100 to fuck off me. I don't know what that is. Let me explain why I don't care or why other fat people might not. For me,

food is an addiction. Not only fast food like McDonald's or Burger King, even gourmet food like Kerala lobster and what that is or Shikora Cara. This addiction combined with the high stress environment of the education system here leads to a lot of stress eating. Eating helps me cope with the pressure associated with exams here. Eating also, yeah, but dude, you can, in cigar smoking, help me keep, take the edge off the day and drinking did all of that. You can pick, you can choose something different, dude. Don't kill yourself. You're going to kill yourself. Eating also is both a, you know what it is? I try, I kind of figured out why I abused alcohol, edibles, cigars and shit like that. I figured out, I was like, I figured out because I

wasn't happy with myself and I had all of this pain from fucking years and years and years ago that I never dealt with. And when I would start to feel these feelings, rather than allowing myself to feel them, figure out what they were, talk to them about somebody, cry it out of you, whatever you had to do, I would just booze my face off and yell and get in arguments with complete strangers about a fucking Minnesota twins versus Red Sox game 40 years or something fucking stupid like that. So, you know, I don't know, you're not asking for advice, so I won't give you any, but I hope that, you know, at some point, you know, you turn it around. All right, eating also is both a literal and figurative escape for me. Eating can be figurative

escape because it allows me to cope. As said earlier, literally, I'm hoping I get a heart attack and no one finds me till it's too late. And I figure at this point you're asking yourself, well, why don't you use a razor blade or a noose? To be completely honest, I'm a shitty and coward. Both scared of death and kind of welcome it. Dude, I swear to you, you have no idea how I like you are with me. I'm too scared to plug in the toaster and drop in the bath, yet when my heart gives out, I'm not going to cry out for help. I'm just going to lay on the floor, close my eyes and be at peace. Wow, dude, you're kind of scaring me here because I don't want you to do any of this shit to you, but I'm also, it's freaking me out how much I relate to everything

you just wrote. Until then, I'm going to study for my log exam and work a few odd jobs and just because, just because I am scared, what? Until then, I'm going to study for my log exam and work a few odd jobs just because I am scared. All this is not to say that your jokes are not good, they're fucking awesome. Honestly, I kind of don't understand why people would get offended at a joke unless it was really egregious. You and a few other people online are what's making my life slightly less bearable. Keep making the same jokes you always make and never give a fuck about what other people think best wishes. Yeah, dude, you gotta, you gotta fucking figure out why you're doing that to yourself. You know, that fucking shit, dude, that you just wrote there, which I

think a lot of people relate to where, you know, I don't kill myself because I'm too afraid to do it, but like, you know, death does seem like a fucking like, ah, it's over. You know what I mean? I totally 100% relate to that, but I don't know. Hey, man, you like to eat, right? Why don't you eat some mushrooms? Maybe you'll have the same fucking results that I did, which is I realized how much loneliness, sadness, and depression was in me for so long, and I actually figured out where it came from. And now I'm in therapy and I'm trying to figure that out. And because of that, since the end of February, I haven't done any damage to myself other than fucking, you know, some milkshakes or whatever, but fucking, I've tried to like

figure out why it is I was doing to myself what I was doing, which is I think, you know, whatever it is, boozing, overeating, whatever the fuck it is, if you can figure out the why, then you can try to fix that. And then I think shit, it's easier to kind of like level stuff out, I think, but you're also talking about someone who's only for two months has this I'm new to this shit. So anyway, I hope you turn around if you want to turn around, but all right, that's it. Okay, you seem like a cool guy. All right, girlfriend thinks I'm gay. Dear old Billy bonkers, I have a situation that is kind of hilarious and kind of fucked up. So I thought this might be the perfect place for a little advice. Insert 30 seconds of silence

while you fumble to get your theme song. Oh, you're right. Let me see here. Is this it right here? Hey, that's me. Somebody else. Okay, here we go. Let's see here. Oh, wait, now this is going to the next fucking thing here. All right, cool. All right. My girlfriend and I have been together for about three and a half years, and I truly am in love with this girl. She checks all of the boxes and then some super smart, beautiful, funny, amazing family, and she loves me. I absolutely see a future with this girl. I'm 25, she's 23. So I know we're young, but I've been told I'm very mature for my age and she's getting there. That's nothing wrong with getting married that young.

Then you can have kids when you're young and fucking see most of their lives before you kick it. Unlike me, fucking super old dad here. Now for some context, before I jump into the situation, in middle school and high school, I had been bullied by some kids saying I was gay. I've always taken pride in how I dress, how I look, my hair, and I would definitely describe myself as metrosexual. I was also very tall and skinny growing up and I had poor posture. Oh, that's it right there, dude. Tall, skinny, poor posture. Yeah, you're going to get fucked with the fucking laws of the jungle, unfortunately. Anyway, so the little fucks had a lot of ammunition and I honestly don't blame them for it, but I'm not gay. As you can imagine, it fucked with me and killed my

confidence. Yeah, dude, you're talking about someone who grew up with orange hair. So yeah, I know what it's like to have a target on your back. In college, I decided I was going to put on some muscle. Really difficult. I have the metabolism of a hummingbird. Well, you got a great sense of humor though. So that makes up for a lot of it. And do something about one part of me that I have always been self-conscious about. I gained 20 pounds and I'm now proudly six to 170 pounds. I do well with the ladies. And I've had a few girlfriends over the years, none as long as this one. I have no resentment for being bullied when I was younger. In fact, it served its purpose as motivation for me to be a better version of myself.

I think about bullying it all the time. I think wish I could go back and stop a lot of it that I saw. I was at weird. I was like in the middle of the pack. I got bullied. I bullied people, you know, get it off of me and put it on to somebody else. I really wish I had, you know, you wish you had the maturity now back then. Some of the stuff I think about, I still think about some of the shit that I saw some kids go through. It's just like, fuck, brutal. In the first year of dating my girlfriend, I opened up to her about getting bullied and she told and told her that's why the gym became so important to me. She was supportive and felt bad that I went through that when I was young, but she also wanted me to confirm with her that I wasn't gay. Her asking me

frustrated me. Yeah, that's fucking weird. But it was easy and I chalked it up to her not knowing me well enough yet. I was pretty adamant about my answer and thought she got the point. In our second year of dating, she somehow brings it up again and says, are you sure you aren't gay? Like you aren't going to marry me, have a family and then come out, right? Whoa. And this time around, the question pissed me off. We had this conversation earlier. I've been with you for two years. We fuck weekly and it's great. I'm also getting insulted. No offense at all towards gay people, but my girlfriend is asking these questions based on certain stereotypes. I don't think there are enough evidence, air quote evidence for her to be suspicious.

I probably overreacted a bit. No, you didn't. But it hit a nerve that my own girlfriend is bringing up feelings I had when I was bullied in middle school. Got to be the end of it, right? Well, we're three and a half years in and tonight she pops the question yet again, dude, break up with this chick. She words it similarly to how she worded it the second time and I got pretty heated. I basically said, we've had this conversation now three times. I've told you each time that I'm not gay, nor have I ever questioned it. It pisses me off that after more than three years, you're still asking me this question. This is not normal. I don't think most women in relationship asked their man yearly if they're secretly gay and going to leave them.

So I'm insulted. She of course then becomes the victim because I didn't react how she wanted me to. I said, I'm sorry, but this is not okay. The next time you ask me that question, I better have a dick in my mouth. Am I wrong here? No, not at all. Is dressing well being neat and keeping myself well groomed really that much of a red flag that my girlfriend should be questioning my sexuality? I don't even talk like the stereotypical gay dude. Any suggestions for how I can get her to believe slash not ask me the question anymore? Can't wait to hear whatever you say. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, I would break up with this chick. Or I know this way, I would find out what the fucking be like. Okay, did your dad marry your

mom and then after you were born come out and say he was gay? Like, what is this fear or what the fuck is it that I'm doing that makes you keep asking me this question? That's what I would ask her. And if you don't like the answer, I would fucking hit the road, Jack. And don't you come back? That's really fucked up. Now granted, I haven't heard her fucking version of shit. It's funny if she fucking wrote in. Yeah, I'd have to hear what her concerns are to have any fucking idea. But if you're telling me the truth, which how the hell do I know? But if you're telling me the fucking truth, you're not gay, and you just dress well and fucking whatever. And she's just asking you

that. I mean, you might be are you an effeminate straight guy, because they have those two, you know, I don't fucking know. I don't know. I have no fucking idea. So I do think that it is fucked up that you have expressed. I'll tell you what else I think is fucked up that you've stayed with this person. You're saying she's checked off all the boxes. I like how many boxes is she checking off that once a year, she can ask you legitimately if you're gay or not, and you still want to be with her. There's a lot of questions I have here. Because I think I mean, if I mean, I would just

one time, maybe I think you can ask somebody that once. And then a year later, they do it again. It's like, all right, I'm leaving you before I get like a fucking complex here. Like Jesus, I'm fucking gonna be sitting here watching John Wayne movies now trying to fucking be extra manly here. So you stop asking me that fucking question. I don't know. I have no idea. But I don't think she's convinced. And you're three and a half years in your 25, you got your whole life ahead of you. I don't know this person, but I can tell you this, reading your email and just hearing your side of it. This woman is not checking off a lot of boxes

for me personally. So I don't know. Is it like her fucking weird way of trying? She doesn't want break up with you. So she just keeps doing this thing that annoys you. I don't know. I don't, this is, that's a weird one. Some fucking heavy emails this fucking week. Jesus Christ. I never kill myself, but I'm fucking welcoming death, whatever the hell that was. And then this shit and fucking some fucking little Stalin chick running an HOA. Jesus Christ. When the fuck did this podcast become so, so, so deep, man? All right, that is the podcast everybody. So I'll leave you with this. Because what that guy was talking about, the guy eating too much, that really bothered me. I hate people being, as much as a douche as I am, I don't like people

being in pain. You know what I mean? And someone who's been in a lot of pain for a lot of his life and now figuring out that, you know, your natural reaction is to fucking go away from pain, distract yourself from pain, bury your pain and all that. And it's just, it's just, it's still going to be there, which is why the next night you're still going to want to drink just as much as not more or eat just as much not as more. Go fuck somebody you shouldn't fuck whatever your fucking addiction is. It's kind of amazing when you stop just for a couple of months and really try to work on whatever that fucking thing is that's bothering you, how much progress you can make quickly, especially if you're talking to somebody

that understands what you're going through. So I wish that for all of you. Because if you don't deal with that pain, not only are you going to hurt yourself, you're going to hurt the people around you that you love. All right. That's the only public service announcement I've ever made in this podcast. So with that, go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.