Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-27-15

Episode Date: April 27, 2015

Bill rambles about DJ Fontana, Kevin Love's shoulder and going to Mississippi.

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Um, it's Bill Burris, the Monday Morning Podcast. And I literally, literally have just woken up and decided that I have to do this fucking thing. Because I gotta jump back on the bus. Jump back on the bus, heading over to Jackson, Mississippi. You know, I'm nervous about Mississippi. You know what I mean? This is the one state that scares other Southern states. You know, they just, it's like the Texas of the South.

It's like, um, it's like the Ted Kennedy of the Kennedys. What's another good example? You know, it's like the, uh, it's like the Kiwi of the birds. It's just this little fucking state without wings. You know, everybody's just hoping. Just hoping one day it's going to sprout its fucking wings and something's going to happen. I can be honest with you, I don't know shit about Mississippi. You know what I mean?

Although last night in Huntsville, Alabama, Huntsville, Huntsville, Alabama, you know, everybody around here calls it Huntsville. You know they do. Of course they do. Because what do you do? You don't, you don't like the town next to you. Our town's better than your town. We have the exact same fucking trees and there's an invisible line.

But our trees are better, right? Nobody likes, nobody. Everybody makes fun of the town next to them. Everybody makes fun of the state next to them. Everybody makes fun of the country next to them. It just keeps going and going and going. And they say, hey, our continent's better than your continent. I like our ocean better than your ocean.

Right. Next thing you know, you're shooting a couple of missiles. So I'm on stage here in Huntsville. You know what kills me was we were here for a day and a half. And we got in the night before and the same place that I performed at, DJ Fontana was there the night before. I swear to God. I know a lot of you youngsters are going like, oh my, who's DJ Fontana? No, not that kind of DJ.

He backed up. He was Elvis's drummer. The real Elvis, not the impersonator. In case you didn't know Elvis was, I guess now he does like an Elvis tribute thing. And I know a lot of you guys are probably thinking that's fucking sad. Well, what's he supposed to do? What are you supposed to do when you're a drummer

and the guy that you back up fucking dies at 42? What are you going to do? I mean, you're going to live for another 30 fucking years. You need some money, right? Well, you go fucking something and a soft little boo, you're going to do it. Just find some guy that can do an impersonation of him. It's a tough gig being a drummer. There's very few of them that when the fucking lead singer either tells them to fuck off,

you know, or they die, usually the drummer is fucked. The lead guitarist can somehow come up with a band. Like I'm trying to think, you know, I would say Dave Grohl. Dave Grohl is the only guy I've ever seen come out of that thing, you know, and go on, be on top and actually be as big as his other band was. And I know there's a lot of Nirvana fans. No one will ever eclipse Nirvana. Nirvana put hair metal down where it belonged.

They just, they just made these songs and they started off loud and then they were quiet and then they were loud. And then they were quiet and then they were loud and then they were loud and then that was it. That was the song. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I'm babbling here as always. So anyways, DJ Fonten was there. I could have gone, I could have met the guy. I don't know if I could have met the guy, but it fucking kills me.

I could at least see him play, you know, a little bit nice. So anyways, I went on stage last night in Huntsville, Alabama, Huntsville, Alabama. And I mentioned that I didn't believe in God and it got really kind of quiet and whatever. And I was just like, come on, guy, you know, I'm not drinking. I'm just, I just think I'm fertilizer when I'm dead. I just go on the ground and that's my job. I think that's a beautiful thing. I go into the ground and I make the soil richer, right?

Or maybe I become a fossil fuel for the next fucking thing that takes over the planet and then doesn't like the town next to him and doesn't like the state and then so on and so forth, right? So me in the crowd yells, better not say that in Mississippi. Oh God, that was the creepiest thing I think anybody's ever said. Better not say that in Mississippi. I wish right then somebody had Jake Isles fucking queued up. My blood runs cold. I don't know.

I'm looking forward to going at, believe it or not, I'm looking forward to going to Mississippi. I'm looking forward to interacting with those people. And I'm looking forward to like, you know, making a couple stereotypes go away. Although I know there's going to be a lot that will reinforce it. You know, I know there's going to be a lot of stay on the main highways, get off at like a Burger King and then get the fuck back on the bus and get out of here. I know there might be elements of that, but you know, I did look up some comedy clubs and I started to see who was playing there.

And this is tour that's going around called the standing ovation tour that stars some more, some more. Tony Rock did a couple of dates. Arnaz Jay, one of the funniest comics ever. And, you know, they all came through here. I think they did already. I don't know. So I figured, all right, they came down here.

They had a good time. Corey Holkman came down here. It's weird. You would think that there would just be white comics coming down here with Mississippi's fucking reputation. You know, all I found, as far as comics that I knew, they were all black. So anyways, we'll see what happens to old freckles. I think I'll be fine.

I just don't need somebody with a fucking hardcore Southern accent. Go on now. Talking about the fuck. Don't say that, Mississippi. I had another guy last night. I'm getting deep in the South right now is what's going on. Because last time I talked to you guys, I think I was just rolling into Memphis. And, you know, since then we did Shreveport.

Then we did New Orleans. And it was all good. Huntsville is the first time I was just like, wow, I'm really in the South here. Just with a couple of heckles. Because I was talking about, you know, I love SEC football. And how I wanted to come through and go to Alabama game and Auburn game. And I would love to go to the Alabama Auburn game. But it's, you know, it's Thanksgiving weekend every year.

And there's no fucking way, you know, you can ever make that game unless you live in Alabama. You can't leave your wife, you know, your wife and family. You just can't do it. Just fucking carve up the turkey. You know, give thanks and then jump on a fucking red eye to Alabama, which is what I would have to do. Although it is a Saturday game, I might be able to get away with that. But anyways, so I was just talking about, uh, I was saying how I like both teams.

I was very, being very impartial and I was every, he's like, war eagle. Rotan screaming. It was fucking awesome. And somehow I started talking about how fucking bad ass it is. I said, come on, Bama fans, you got to admit that fucking eagle flying down from the top of the stadium right onto the guys, you know, they're like, you know, they're like, I'm the top of the stadium right onto the guy's arm. You got to admit that's the shit.

You got to admit that's the shit. Some Alabama fan said, my favorite thing was when the eagle flew into the glass. I guess it went into like the luxury box. It just flew right into it and they were laughing, you know, I like animals. Like, I'll give me a fucking break. It happened one goddamn time. I go, sir, how many fucking plate glass windows have you walked in, walked into in your life? And the guy was like, none, haven't walked into any.

I go, give me a fucking break. I go, when Auburn, when Auburn returned that field goal against Alabama, you probably walked through the side of your house and the place went fucking nuts. Auburn fans flipped out screaming and Bama fans are like, right. And then when it all died down, somebody in the back yelled out, go back to Mississippi. And I was just like in the crowd. I went, it was really very high school. And I was like, wait a minute, I haven't been to Mississippi yet.

You know, and not only that, I've been fucking on your side, sir. I brought him down. I've been on your side the whole fucking show. Here I am talking about, you know, equal pay. And how if you just make women make the same amount of money as guys and you don't change anything else, it's, it's not fair. It's just something I'm doing on my act. Somehow you believe it or not, that bit is actually empowering to women

after I browbeat them. You know, it's a fun job. Anyways, so this is the Monday morning podcast. I didn't even say the date yet for April 27th, the last Monday, the last fucking Monday in April in 2015. There'll never be another Monday in April, 2015. You can say that you were there. You were there.

You lived it. You enjoyed it. You put your hands in that soil and you felt it. So what are you going to do? How did you do this month? How'd you do this month? Were you a good husband? Were you a good father?

Were you a good mother? Not even chowing down? I've been doing all right. What do you need? Do you need to fat shame yourself? Check in on yourself. Just checking in on you on the last Monday. You know, I actually had somebody come up to me and said,

jeez, Bill, I thought you were going to be a lot bigger. I'm like, oh my god, the fuck? I'm average height. He's like, no, fatter the way you shit on yourself. I said, dude, I've been killing it at the gym, my friend. I go to the gym every day. It's just become a part of my life. And if you don't want to beat a fey,

well, you go to the gym every day, you cunt. I said, you'll go to that cookie gym every day. I keep saying every month, you go to the gym every day. So that made me feel all right. And by the way, too, all this fat shame that I've been doing, making people fat shame themselves. I had a couple come up to me and said that collectively, they had lost like 80 pounds.

I had, and then I've had like three or four different people say, one guy had lost over 100 pounds. Another guy lost 80. And I think there was a 60 in there. So there you go. You watch that fucking show the biggest loser where they're screaming in your face, save money, screaming in your own face.

Go into the fucking bathroom, take off your goddamn shirt, see where you sit, right? See where you're at in the rankings. Be honest about what your torso is looking at. And then just look yourself in the mirror, huh? Brow beat yourself and then you end on a positive note, right after you fucking what the fuck is going on, right? Then you bring it around in the end.

We're better than this, right? We get one life. We get one body. We're not fucking doing this. And you turn it around and all you got to do is you just got to break that fucking sugar salt thing. When you wake up in the morning, that thing that's telling you to get an egg McMuffin,

that things that's telling you to eat fucking pancakes and all that shit. You go, no, you don't want to shut the fuck up. You override it. You override those cravings and you go down and you just, you make yourself some fucking oatmeal. Nothing in it. You fucking slam that down with the banana.

Or some berries or some shit like that. And then you fucking, you level yourself off. What's that shit they give you when you're trying to get off heroin or methadone? I don't know what the fuck it is. Oatmeal is the food version of that. It's the food version of that. By the way, dude, I don't follow a couple of people on Facebook

and they just send in all of these fucking links to what the fuck they're doing to our food supply. Man, it's really goddamn scary. It's really fucking scary. You know, I think that's how they're going to solve the population problem next. If you're going to fucking turn the food into poison, there you go.

If nobody's allowed to say what is in the food, it's terrifying. Fucking apples that don't turn brown. What is wrong with people? What the fuck is wrong with those goddamn people that work on those corporations? You know, that type of psychoshe- You know, you ever play like you pick up poop or pick up hockey?

You ever just play with the sociopath? You're not even playing for anything. You just feel it. That fucking person that's willing to do anything. Unreal. Speaking of which, how about those Boston Celtics? What a great goddamn season.

I got to say that first before we get into the negativity of the game yesterday. And God knows I don't fucking watch the Celtics. You know, God knows I don't fucking... Well, I still love them, but you know, you only got time for so much, right? You're either a fucking hoop guy or you're a hockey guy. I don't know.

Joe Bartnick's the only guy I know that can talk intelligently and in depth about both. I don't know how the fuck he does it. But anyways, the Celtics were in the playoffs. We made the seventh seed. Basically, don't have any stars. It was a hell of a coaching job by that guy that everybody's saying is a great coaching hire.

I'm just going to repeat what other people say. But I actually watched the game. I've actually been watching hoop because I'm on tour here with Lawhead and Verzi. And, you know, it's just been, you know, I've been watching some of this. They've been like good games, I guess. But I watched a lot of that Celtics game yesterday,

hoping Celtic pride, we at least wouldn't get swept. But I got to tell you that fucking Kevin Love inches his shoulder, you know, and then he turns around and he blames sweet, innocent, beautiful, flowing hippie hair. Kelly, was it Kelly Oleinick? How do you say his name? How dare he suggest that that was a dirty play. And you'll think that this is,

that I'm not being impartial here because I'm a Celtics fan. Okay, the ball goes up, hits the rim. Okay, now right out of the gate. Right out of the gate. It's already the Cavaliers fault. Because if that fucking jerk off took the shot, hit the shot, there was no way that Kelly would have been concerned

about the left arm of Kevin Love and felt the need to cradle it within his body and then turn to the side and spoon with it. Had the Cavaliers, whoever the fuck it was. I mean, you got LeBron. Why don't you just have him going and dunk on everybody? Nope, got to take a shot. Had to get fancy.

All right, rubbing it in. I'm just fucking with you. I don't even, I don't know anything about Hoop. Part of me wants to think that Kelly stinks because he just looks like he stinks. I don't know shit about Hoop, but I look at that guy and I look at like, that's not the guy I'm picking.

He just looked like one of the, you know, like those spazs you play with who just suck. So they just, they're always fucking grabbing you. You know what, remind me, remind me of when I was a kid. When me and my brother fell out of a tree simultaneously because we were trying to teach my other brother, trying to show my other brother, there was this part of,

there was this tree we used to climb up and, and you know, the main trunk went up and then it's split. And as it went further up, obviously the gap got greater and greater, right? Just like a horse legs. It was the horse tree. Why couldn't the tree be giving birth? Shut up, lady.

So we got up to a certain height and there was no branches on one side, one side of the, the trunk that went up until you got to a certain height. And the only way to get over to the other side of the tree was you had to swing across on this dead branch. So my older brother swung across and then I swung across and then my younger brother wouldn't fucking do it

because it was a dead branch because, you know, he's like, it's a dead branch. I'm not doing them. We're like, yeah, but we weigh more than you and we did it. And he wouldn't do it. So we go, all right, what if we both hang on this fucking branch together? And if it doesn't break, then you'll do it.

And he's like, yeah. So we both go out and we hang on the branch. My brother's on the inside. He weighs more. I'm on the outside. We hang on it. It doesn't break. We go, all right, come on, man, let's go.

Swing across the branch. And he still wouldn't do it. He goes, do it one more time. So this time I'm thinking like, well, it's a fucking dead branch. I want to get on the inside. So I got on the inside. My older brother got on the outside.

But going, see, look, it's safe. It's fucking safe. Crack. And the thing just snapped. So we went going down to the ground and I'm coordinated. My older brother is not coordinated. And I'm fucking getting ready to land somewhat in a way.

Well, I'll get hurt the least. And as my brother's going down, you know, ass and back of the head first, he reaches out and grabs my shoulder and pulls me into his uncoordinated nightmare. We slammed down on the ground. He got knocked out. I didn't remember he got knocked out.

He was laying face down in the fucking dirt. And he was going, is it? And me and my other brothers, we were laughing, thinking he was fucking around. And my dad had just happened to pull up. He's like, Christ, you know, I'm not going to name names. So he goes, what's he doing laying in the dirt? He's like, God, for Christ's sake, he's unconscious, right?

But I remember like, he fucking reached out and grabbed. He said, what the fuck are you grabbing on me for? Because he wasn't coordinated. And that's how I feel that Kelly, part of me thinks that he stinks so bad that that was actually him playing basketball. But my final verdict was it was dirty. Because I just never see anybody ever grab somebody's arm

like that in basketball. And it was just weird. Like, what are you doing? It was like he was carrying a giant salami or some shit. And then at the last second, he like fucking turned his body. And I, you know, I'm going to have to side with Cavalier fans. I think that was a dirty fucking play. And, you know, I don't know.

It was good to see Perkins though. I don't know why we have a fucking traded that guy. You know, I don't know. Maybe now I don't know about Hoop. Maybe it was a good fucking move. But when we traded him, I didn't think that that was a good move. But whatever. Congratulations to the fucking Cavaliers.

And congratulations to Celtics for a great season. But I really hope that wasn't a dirty play because that's the number one thing that I fucking hate. I hate when you can't beat a team. Then you just hurt their player. And that just really affects the Cavaliers on the next level. And just fans in general. You could have seen a totally healthy fucking Cavalier team

take on, well, they play the Bucks or the Bulls. Look at me talking Hoop here. And now one of the best guys is out. You might have fucked their whole season. You weren't going to win anyways. Why would you do that? I don't know. I think it was a dirty play.

In fact, it was so dirty. I'm sure the Pittsburgh Penguins are calling Kelly Oleinik right now and asking me if he could skate. I'll tell you right now, Kelly, that is ring of honor level stuff here at the Pittsburgh Penguin organization. There's nothing we like better than someone who's willing to hurt somebody who's better than them on another team during a deciding game in the playoffs.

That should be under the Pittsburgh Penguin logo. Good Lord, have they had some of the worst, most fucking reprehensible human beings on their team forever? And they've had some great ones. I guess they're smart. It's like they fucking draft the Mario Lemieux and then they go, all right, who's going to try to end his career? Let's get that guy too.

Let's just make sure this fucking piece of shit is blowing out knees on the other team and not blowing out our knees. Maybe it's a fucking, maybe it's an intelligent move. I don't know. I don't pretend to know things. Sure you do, Bill. Your whole fucking podcast is based on it.

I'll go fuck yourself. Anyway, so let's do a little reading out loud, shall we? You guys ready for this? Have you had your morning coffee? You fucking drug addicts? I can't get my day going. I have my fucking coffee. You know, that's why I never drank coffee,

other than the fact that it tastes like dirty water. Granted, I never had it hot. I used to drink my dad's when he went to work. I'd take sips of it when it was fucking stone cold. And you know, that whole, I'm going to be an adult and I'd sip it and it was fucking disgusting. I'm glad I never got into it. People can't start their day.

They just sit there with their brown coffee stained fucking teeth. You know, how many hours of your life, how many days, how many weeks, or months are your life? Are you going to waste standing in a line at Starbucks? Every time I go to a fucking airport, the second they bring that thing up, these junkies are just standing there, you know, like they're waiting for Springsteen tickets

so they can continue to chai latte with the fucking, the fucking squirt of some whipped cream coming out there, you know, with like a heroin shake. Oh, G-Pill, you're just better than us. In that area, I am. All right, cherries, berries, everybody. Look who's back this fucking year. Give mom the last bite.

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Speaking of truck stops, we actually stopped at one. Somewhere in fucking Alabama or Mississippi when we were coming up from New Orleans. Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans? That's where my baby goes. She gives me a hand job. She used humidity for lubricants. When she jerks my dick in the middle of July.

Pulling it out of my sea of sucka suit. Put your damn dick away and keep it moving. Sorry. Yeah, we stopped off at a truck stop. And, you know, I had to relieve myself not once, but twice if you know what I mean. And I go into this fucking bathroom and there's some trucker already in there

dropping a deuce. And I'm already laughing my ass off because I'm only one toilet away. And I'm on a bus. What am I going to do? I got to go and I'm like, am I really going to take a dump next to a fucking trucker in Mississippi at a truck stop?

I got to do it. And then all of a sudden like every trucker from here to Tuscaloosa fucking came in there and I had to leave. It was like, I can't fucking do it. And I kept trying to walk in there. You know, when there was nobody there, there was always five truckers

and that original trucker never moved. He was just sitting there just, I don't know, shitting his brains out or couldn't. Oh my God. He had these awful white Seinfeld sneakers that were all fucking creased up and dirty. Dad jeans. It was one of the fucking low points

of my standup career. Although I was laughing my ass off because Verzi goes in there and he comes back out and I just started laughing. He says, he's just going to do it. I can't, I can't, I need, I can't. It's not all luxury being on a tour bus.

Just put it that way. But, oh, I didn't mention, you know, a lot of people gave me shit because whenever I go to these cool places, I never mention what they are because I don't want to ruin them for the locals. But fuck it. I'll switch that up.

You know, because people are going, dude, you don't realize how arrogant you are that you feel like, you know, you just mentioning it on your podcast is going to ruin those places. All right, so let's see. So we went to New Orleans, New Orleans, and I played this amazing theater

that I could not pronounce. I began with an S. And all I know is Bob Dylan was going to be performing there the next week, which is a pretty big fucking thrill. Be performing on a stage that he performs on. Not because that's what he's selling these days. He just loves this place so much.

And it was just an amazing fucking show. And it's such a great time. And then we had a couple of days off. So the next night, you know, this is the deal with New Orleans. If you go to New Orleans and you just go to Bourbon Street, if you're in your 20s, you probably enjoy it. If you're in your 30s or older,

you're going to be like, not only is this fucking an absolute shit show, this is one of the worst cities in the country. It's dirty. It's evil. It's dirty and evil, whatever. Sorry, I needed a third one. However, if you get the fuck out of there

and you go north of the goddamn city, whatever fucking direction it is, you're going to see those beautiful houses and you will literally go from going like, this fucking place is awful to wow, I could live here. So we went to a place called Commander's Palace for some of the best seafood I've ever fucking had. If you're going to New Orleans,

I'm telling you right now, take your wife over there, okay? Watch your shut the fuck up. Sorry, just for some reason, I was thinking Harvey Keitel, when you take the gun and smash it on the nose, watch him shut the fuck up. Let's go get a taco.

And then afterwards, we wanted to go smoke a cigar. And it's like, I knew some cigar bars down around the French corner and I was like, I don't want to go down there. You go down there and it's just a bunch of drunks. It's just, it's like the Jerry Springer show. You know, the Jerry Springer show

just has the worst representation of every race, every demographic. When you go down to Bourbon Street, that's what you have. You have the worst from every state. And then you have the worst people in New Orleans hovering around them, trying to take advantage of them in any way possible.

So I was like, there's got to be something better. So our waiter was the shit. And he told us about this place called Dose Jefface. Dose like Spanish Fatou. Dose and then Jefface, J-E-F-F-E-S. They had these great cigars and then they had this live music that we listened to. Oh, did I already tell you this?

I think I mentioned it on the podcast last week. I'm sorry, dude. I don't even know where the fuck I'm at right now. But we just had the best, I'll even say it again, we had the best time, best food, best place I've been to, as far as where to eat in New Orleans

and just the coolest fucking bar with this unbelievable live music. And I'm telling you, if you do that alone, you'll fucking, you'll want to go to New Orleans every goddamn year. So anyways, having said all of that, let's congratulate everybody who got out of the first round in the NHL playoffs.

All right. I don't know what's going on with Detroit and Tampa Bay. I haven't been able to keep up with that. Congratulations to the Minnesota Wild. You know, great series for you guys. And my condolences to St. Louis Blues fans. I mean, I don't know what the fuck you got to do. What are the St. Louis Blues got to fucking do

to get out of the first round of the fucking playoffs? That was the team. I was like, oh, this is the guys. I'm going to root for these fucking guys. I thought they were going to make a run. At least go a couple of series. Fucking brutal. What did St. Louis fucking Blues fans do to the hockey gods?

They really are like the fucking Los Angeles Clippers of hockey. It's just, they're just never going to get out of the first round. I don't know shit about who, but I'll tell you right now, when the fucking the Spurs one game two, that series was over. It's over.

They're going to turn on every fucking thing that they know about how to win a championship. And it's going to be done because the Clippers, they don't have it. I could say that because I don't watch hoop. So congratulations to them. Congratulations to the Rangers. I know that Ducks won Calgary Flames.

Who else is out there that I'm forgetting? There's got to be one other series. Oh, the Blackhawks. The Blackhawks won. So who do you like out there? Blackhawks, Flames, Ducks, Minnesota. I mean, you got to go with the experience, right? You got to go with the Blackhawks,

even though they fucking every fucking other period, they got a different guy in there. Crawford than the other guy, then Crawford than the other guy, then the other guy, and then Crawford, then Crawford, then the other guy.

But somehow they made it work. Somehow they made it work. So who am I rooting for out there? I'll root for the Calgary Flames. I want to root for them because in 1989, they beat the Montreal Canadians back when the Bruins could never beat them. So that was nice to watch.

So I've always liked Calgary because of that. And then Landon MacDonald, they got the fucking red-headed guy with the psycho mustache. Come on, dude. He was fucking killing it. The guy looked like he just stepped out of a fucking mineshaft.

Then he'd go in and score a goddamn goal, right? Then he'd smile like it was Christmas. How could you not love that guy, right? It's been a lot of great fucking Calgary Flames over the fucking years. Al McGinnis, dude, he's got the hottest fucking shot in hockey. It's like fucking 200 miles an hour, right?

All right, sorry. And let's see, over in the East, who else won? I just feel like I'm forgetting to con- Well, let's see, the fucking- We got a game seven, don't we? Between the Islanders and the Capitals? Rangers won. I don't know what happened with Detroit

and Tampa Bay, but like I said, congratulations to everybody and that wraps up my hockey talk. I'm fucking with you, you silly socked Frenchies. You fucking assholes. You fucking assholes. Almost got pushed to a game seven after going up 3-0 and I didn't write- I didn't talk one line of shit because I didn't want to jinx it.

Always, I hoping that you guys went down that way. But then part of me wasn't because the Bruins did that and then the next year we won a cup and I don't ever want you guys to win another one. But I have to begrudgingly admit, you got your best shot in years. This year you do, although I gotta tell you, you very easily could have lost that series if Ottawa pulled out two more games

because then they would have won it four to two. And I'll tell you, when the other team wins four games, you got a really hard time bringing that series home. No, they were really close games and Ottawa played like fucking, you know, they played great. It was a great series and fucking crushed me to watch Montreal win.

So you should be happy Montreal fans. I'm a Bruins fan and it really hurt me that you guys won. And I actually follow you guys. I have the Montreal Canadian app on my phone and it always goes five minutes to game time. Get your snacks ready. Oh, it's so fucking awful. Get your snacks ready.

Put on your silly suck. All right, get your snacks ready. Ah, gives me douche chills every time I read it, but it makes me hate them more and I love it. It's part of the game, it's part of sports. You gotta have that team that you fucking hate. You know, sad I would be if Montreal, Canadians somehow that whole franchise folded.

I would be at a loss. Who do I hate? The fucking Sabres? So anyways, I think they got their best chance. I mean, all the really big powerhouse, powerhouse, Western teams have kind of been dethroned. The LA Kings didn't make it, even though I thought they did. They didn't even make the playoffs.

Vancouver's a shell of what they used to be. They're out of it. St. Louis looked like they were stacked to me, you know? And a bunch of fucking goal scorers, they're out of it. I mean, Minnesota's in it, so are the Ducks. The Ducks actually, I think, could surprise some people. But they just don't have like that, like, you know, like last year when the fucking Blackhawks and Kings

were coming, you're like, all right, whoever wins this fucking war is taking the cup. You just knew it, you just knew it. I'm not feeling that. And I've, you know, Blackhawks, I don't know, the longer you hang in there, you get a little longer in the tooth. I do feel that the Blackhawks are gonna win it again.

I don't know, I'm gonna state the obvious. It's either Blackhawks or Blackhawks. It's either Blackhawks, Rangers, or Canadians. Gee, Bill, way to go out on a fucking limb. And then I, then I hedged my bet going, but I'll tell you the Ducks, they could surprise some people. See that? I basically picked almost everybody that's still left

so that I could be like, dude, what did I say? What did I say on the last Monday of fucking April? Dude, you guys won it in June. I said this shit back in April. I said it. I should be coaching a team. I'm the fucking douche that talks about shit like that. So anyways, congratulations Canadians.

You know, you know, my hatred for you really isn't to that level. I do wish that you never win one, but I also find it funny to hate like that, right? Okay, anyways, so. I mean, what I have left here to talk about before I get into the goddamn questions, I do have to get back, I have to get on the bus. That's why I'm fucking early and ride on my way over to Jackson.

You better not say that shit and Jack, you better not say that in Mississippi. Jesus Christ, they made me want to go home. So anyways, what am I going to do in Jackson, Mississippi? I have no idea. But I am going to try to hang out with some locals, maybe grab a beer with somebody. And then we're going to head down to Mobile, Alabama.

And I'm going to give myself a self-guided tour of the USS, Alabama, or maybe at least that sub. And then the tour is winding down. All we have left is Kentucky and fucking Evansville. And then we're on to the Kentucky Derby. Dude, you know, it's hilarious. It's this whole trip. We've all been like picking out what the fuck we're going to be wearing to the Derby.

Fucking Versey was looking at, he wanted to buy these white shoes with this white belt, like fucking Herb Tarlick. And I'm telling him, I was like, dude, you got to do it. You got to dress like a complete jerk off and get a fucking hat. That's what it is. And hopefully Redface here. I actually, I learned how to tie a bow tie.

You know, that's making it's bear accomplishment. So we're fucking getting excited about that. And I guess the races start at 1030 in the morning, and then they go all the way to like the race, which starts at like 620 or something. So experienced drinkers know, all right, I need to pace myself. So the races start at 1030 in the morning.

Obviously you start with a screwdriver or a bloody Mary. I just like a screwdriver because I feel like at least I'm fighting off a cold while I'm fucking kicking my liver. All right. Anyway, I'll do it. Speaking of which, you know what? And once right after that game, we're going to leave and then we're going to go watch the fucking Mayweather Pacquiao fight.

And I don't know, I think the safe bet is to be like, oh, fucking Mayweather is going to win a decision on points. So then they have the rematch. That's the safe thing. What do I want to see? I want to see somebody knock out the other guy. It's kind of hard to root for that when you know they're getting a concussion and they're getting fucking brain damage.

And it's also hard to root against Mayweather because of his record. I'd like to see that guy get to 50, you know. But you know, it's every time you watch like a fucking when they hype a prize fight, once you see a guy that you think you don't like and then they just show his back story and it's like you can't be against him. You know, I saw this one on Mayweather. And you know, he's showing like he was 14.

He jumped on a boat and went to Malaysia, didn't speak the language with these other fighters. He was like crying and stuff, leaving his family. He wanted to go back and then his best friend got killed in the ring and then he had to go in right after him. It was fucking awful, man. It's fucking awful. He's been through all of that shit, right?

Then Mayweather comes from that dysfunctional family. You know what I mean? I don't fucking know. I love how they're bringing up all this shit that the guy did in his past. Mayweather, he went to fucking jail for it and all that type of shit. And it's just like ESPN, there's such fucking scumbags. Like why are you bringing up his domestic violence now? Because you give a shit about that or because you're out of shit to talk about?

It's so fucking dumb. And then you're going to bring that up like you're really doing some investigating reporting, like you really give a fuck about battered women. And then you go right back to hyping the fight. Well, a fight on the fucking century. Ah, just fucking, it drives me up the goddamn wall. You know what I mean? Then also these fucking groups, you know, that are trying to stop women from being battered.

They wait to this big fight to jump on the guy when he's promoting. They come out of the woodwork. It's like, does it not matter that he battered women when he's not training for a fight? Oh, fuck it. It's like watching somebody campaign for president. It's like a strategic when you have to give a fuck and when you bring it up or because if, well, if we give a fuck now, we're just pissing into the wind because nobody's going to listen. We got to wait till this guy's promoting something and then we strike.

Then we say we care. Anyways, I don't fucking know. I'm just hoping it's going to be a, it better be a great fight. I don't want to see Mayweather just fucking, you know, slipping every punch for another 12 rounds. As I stare at the fucking pay-per-view money going down the goddamn drain. I love the fact that nobody can hit him, but at some point it's like you want to see a fight. I just want to see somebody get hit.

All right. This person wrote this fucking book called Behind, called, it's coming out. It's called, what the fuck is it? It's called Clinton Cash and it's basically going to out the Clintons of how they got their cash, which is the funniest fucking thing ever to me. It's like you could write Obama Cash, Bush Cash, anything but fucking Johnny Cash. You could do that about any fucking politician out here.

Where do they get their cash? It's all filthy. This is why I don't fucking get into this shit. I can't, I just don't understand people who just sit around and they blame the problems of this country on conservatives or they blame the problems of this country on liberals, the liberal agenda, the corporate agenda. It's like, how about politicians don't make any fucking money at all? Yet they're all multimillionaires.

How about that? How about they're set up to be bribed? Stop with this fucking horseshit of like, you know, they're a public servant. Dude, they did this whole thing on senators. Senators make a couple of undergrads a year, which is nothing to sneeze at. And sneeze at, but like the amount of them that are multi, multi, multi fucking millionaires, they all get heads up on land deals. They had their own private businesses that just go through the fucking roof.

It's the biggest fucking scam I've ever seen in my life. And then if you bring it up, everybody calls you conspiracy theorist. And then they just sit there just fucking blaming the other party. This is adults that do that shit. So I don't know what I would, I would recommend reading Clinton Cash and just know that you could fucking write that probably about every politician, even Jimmy Carter, who seemed to be like the best, at least human being. Jimmy Carter, what I loved about that guy was he handled the fucking hostage situation

without getting into a war with Iran. We got everybody back, you know? The one tragedy was when we tried to rescue him, that mid-air collision. So some American servicemen did die. All right? But it was like single digits as opposed to what the fuck we got going on over there now, which you're not going to solve it. Do you think you could have a war that would make Bruins and Montreal Canadian fans like each other?

You wouldn't. We're going to hate each other. Hate each other back then. We hate each other now. We're going to hate each other for fucking ever. And that's how it works over there in the Middle East, all right? I don't know. Anyway, I'm in way over my head here.

I'm just going to shut the fuck up. Let's do a little more advertising here, then I'll read some. I'm going to read some fucking some of your questions here for this week. All right. Dollar Shave Club, everybody. All right. You've heard me talking about dollarshaveclub.com, the company that delivers amazing razors for a few bucks.

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Mercifully, the reading out loud portion is over for this week. All right. I got to get rolling here because I got to jump on the bus in the next few minutes. Let's read here. By the way, everybody, a couple of quick announcements here. All right. For the Thursday afternoon, Monday morning podcast just before Friday, the hashtag, if you want your questions read, is hashtag TAMMP and send it to at the MM podcast.

Don't send it to at Bill Burr. Send it to at the MM podcast, hashtag TAMMP. You can tweet me articles, videos, questions, anything you want me to go off on. I just fuck around on Thursdays. And if you'd like to email the Monday morning podcasts, it's bill at the MM podcast.com. All right. Let's get into the questions here for the week. Cigar trailer.

Hey Bill, promise I'm not trying to bust your ball. Repeat, this is not an attack. Before the tour started, you said you weren't going to mention the names of food places and cool spots to visit. A reader called you out on not supporting local businesses and you justified your position. On the Thursday afternoon podcast just before Friday, you talked about the cool cigar lounge built out of a trailer. Just curious if this is an exemption or a harmless contradiction.

I repeat, I'm not being a dick. Thank you. No, I actually thought about what that guy said. If you've been listening to the podcast, I actually mentioned the name, but also it's the reason why I mentioned that guy was he went out of his fucking way and he had like a 6,000 square foot fucking restaurant that he had to fill. This wasn't some little mom and pot place in the corner that's been there forever. It was a brand new goddamn business.

The guy totally hooked us up. He kept it open after hours and all that stuff. So I felt like I owed it to him. But I got to be honest with you, as much as I gave that guy shit for giving me shit, you know, I'm one of those guys, you give me shit. If you're right, I'll give your shit back and then it rolls around my big head for a couple of days and then I'll come back and be like, all right, you're right. You know, I like to think that that makes me a fucking somewhat of an enlightened human being.

If I was really enlightened in the moment, I could stop. And I would stop insulting and be like, wait, wait, you know what, you're right. You're right. That's a big moment in your life, especially if you're an angry cunt like me, to be able to stop mid argument and just be like, you know what, you're right. You're right. I'm sorry. And then what's funny is it ends the argument and then you also get to see the other person

like frustrated because they want to keep yelling at you and now they can't, you know. And then if they keep yelling, then you get to be like, dude, I said, I said you were right. What the fuck more do you want from me? And then they're actually the dick at that point. You know, it's a great thing to do. All right. Slumlord retirement bill. I keep hearing you mentioning becoming a slumlord and then retiring.

I'm actually doing something very similar, but I'm not a slumlord. Dude, I would never be a slumlord. I would never fuck people over. He said, I'd buy properties in low income area in all cash, fix them up, refinance them, and then rent them out. Every time I've done this, I've gotten more cash out than I put in. And the mortgage is always way less than the rent. It's unbelievable.

But my thing is, is if you're in low income areas, they're the first ones that get fired during a bad economy, you know, then what do you do? I couldn't, I couldn't not fucking evict somebody unless they were a complete piece of shit. I don't know if I have the heart for this because I'd actually like to buy something in a low income area, fix it up and give somebody a nice place, a nice safe fucking place to live. You know, that wasn't depressing, maybe give them hope and the kids try harder in school and they get the fuck out of there. That's what I'd like to do.

See, I don't have the heart for this. Anyway, so what I'm supposed to do is just be like, oh, it looks fine. Let people live in squalor, have one toilet on each floor, you know, dark moist areas, bring back tuberculosis. I'll make my money like the fucking asterisd. So what I'm trying, so I'm, what I'm struggling with now is if slash when I should quit my job. I'll have enough rental income by the end of next year to replace my job. I would love to just quit and hang out with my kids and just live a stress-free life,

but my wife has a different opinion. She thinks I should keep my six-figured job and just keep doing this on the side because we would have way more money. It's an easy office job, so I see your point, but I can't get over how amazing it would be to retire in my early thirties and be able to spend my time however I want. What do you think I should do? What would you spend your free time doing? Thanks, go fuck yourself.

Dude, first of all, congratulations, man, on absolutely crushing it and making money work for you. I know there's a lot of you guys listening going, oh, do I have fucking six figures? I could fucking, you wouldn't. Most of you, unfortunately, would go out and spend six figures a year. You'd go out by some flashy fucking car. What does this guy do? He went out and he made his money. He reinvested it and made it work for him.

What I think you should do is what your wife's saying. I would keep working for another 10 years and re-evaluate and take that money that you're making over the next 10 years and keep doing what you're doing and then you'll really be able to retire. You'll be super comfortable. I've got to be honest with you. Like, what would I do if I retired in my early thirties? I would probably, I'd kind of be bored shitless.

I would. I like working. I like touring. I like doing all of that. Like, when I say that, I'll exit out of this business. What I really mean is I'll be in a position in this business where I won't have to do anything I don't want to do. I won't have to embarrass myself. I won't have to go on dancing with the stars and all of that shit, you know,

whatever the fuck you do whenever your career is tanking. But I think what you're doing is fucking amazing. And that's what people need to do is you've got to learn how to make, your money can either fucking set you free or it can fucking enslave you. And I didn't know shit about money and I just keep reading it and reading it and reading it. And I baby stepped my way into learning about it. And that's how I ended up having this fucking opinion on bankers and what they do to people. And it's an absolute sin that they don't teach you about money.

The most important fucking thing when you're in school. So, but fortunately there's libraries and books are free there that you can, you can educate yourself. The greatest education other than staying away from drugs, wearing a condom and shit like that is, you got to do what you're doing. And I think that's fucking great that you're doing it. I would, I don't know, if I would lose, if I went to a low income area,

I would, I would fix the fucking thing up, but I would do it in a way that they wouldn't make the other people in the area too, too jealous that would make them want to go in there and rob the people. But the guts of the fucking building, I would make sure that I did it upright. And people would not have fucking leaky sinks and that type of shit. I'd make sure that they were fine. My only concern, like I said, was that they're the first ones who get fucking hatcheted when the economy tanks, because God knows the cunts at the top,

they're not going to cut off their own fucking arm. You know, those poor people wouldn't either. You can't expect people to do that. So anyways, congratulations. I hope to be in your position someday, sir. It's a, it's a goal of mine. All right, Pacquiao versus Mayweather. Bill, is this a legit fight in your opinion?

Do you have a dog in this fight? It's absolutely a legit fight. And I like both of these guys. And I'm just hoping it's going to be a great fight. I'm sorry to give you that cunty fucking response, but if I had to pick somebody, I just love how Mayweather talks all that shit. He's got all those cars and he throws his money and it pisses everybody off. I fuck, I really like both of these guys.

And I love that Pacquiao came from absolutely fucking nothing. And that he sings and he fucking, he becomes a senator and all this other shit. I love both of these guys. It's going to be weird to see one of them loose, but it better not be a fucking draw. I can tell you that. All I know is I'm going to be fucking wearing a pink bow tie with a matching fucking thing in my pocket and it's see a sucker that I'm going to be watching it like that. That's all I know.

I'm going to be dressed in linen. All right. When I go to watch it, all right, dental health, dear Billy wisdom teeth. My wife thinks I have perfect teeth and says, I don't do enough to deserve them. I floss occasionally, usually brush twice a day and I've never had any cavities. I'm 42. She says it's genetics. She has to do a ton more to achieve the same whiteness.

Just wondering what your thoughts are on the genetics arguments. Make sense to me. Look at the Brits. You know, something, I don't know what the deal is with the fucking teeth. I mean, they're not as bad as everybody else. I mean, they're not as bad as everybody makes them out to be, but there's definitely an issue over there. A stereotype, but a spot on what at that.

That's a sentence. A stereotype, but a spot on what at that. All right. What are your rituals? Having worked in the dental office, some of those mouthwashers that boast whitening actually stain teeth according to a class action lawsuit. Yeah, I just brush my teeth in the morning. In the evening.

And then I floss. I don't have any cavities either. Yeah, I would see it. There's definitely genetics because there's definitely people that brush and floss and all that. And then just their teeth, just they rot out of their fucking heads. I don't know what they're doing. I do know that when you eat sugary stuff, it's not the sugar that eats away your teeth.

It feeds bad bacteria in your mouth that attack your teeth. I think I do remember that from my days working in a dental office. But my ritual is every six months I get my teeth cleaned. And my ritual is also if the guy says I have a cavity, I get a second opinion. That's only happened one time and I didn't. Sometimes they misread x-rays and they'll dig into a perfectly good fucking tooth. And then you get a filling and then if shit gets under the filling next thing, you know, you need a root canal, then it gets pulled and you need a partial,

then you need dentures. It just goes down the fucking hill. So if you don't have any cavities and somebody says you have a cavity, always get a second opinion. That's all I can tell you. Other than that, brush twice a day, not three times, floss. And I don't know, I use Scope or Listerine. I haven't had a problem with them staining your fucking teeth.

So why don't you use mouthwash first and then brush your teeth? It's pretty easy. I would stay away from red wine. As you're drinking it, you smile at somebody, you have gray teeth, you look like a fucking vampire. All right. Fiancé's gay best friend. Hey, Billy Red State Tourist.

I need some advice from you and maybe Nia. I apologize if I spelled it wrong. No, you didn't. She has the time. Well, unfortunately, I'm on the road here. My fiance is living with me and also carrying my baby girl who is due in August. Congratulations. She's been friends with this gay guy for a long time.

She says he's the only one who can make her laugh so hard. She almost pisses herself. I'm fine that they are close and I'm fine with them being gay. I was raised in Texas where homosexuality isn't as welcomed as some places, especially since I went to a Baptist church all of my life. Before you rant, it was never a hate gaze kind of preaching. It was more of a homosexuality is unbiblical and it's a sin. Love them anyways.

You guys save yourselves in the end. Anyway, my perspective is people are free to do what they want as long as they don't oppose it on me. She went to spend a few days with her gay friend and his boyfriend. And when she came back, she told me a few stories about the fun they had, including when he had to use the restroom so bad he went in while she was showering. I'm not against them being friends, but I think he should have had enough respect for me as a man to not walk into the bathroom while my woman was in the shower.

Gay or not, he still has a dick and shouldn't walk into a shower where another man's woman is naked. Should I bring this up or should I leave it be? If I should bring it up, what should I say without hurting her feelings? Keep in mind she is pregnant and hormonal. Love you, love the show, the Texan. I would have a, and I would just have a PS. My baby has a high chance of being a redhead. Lots of reds on her side in mind, including both of our mothers.

Well, there you go. If you love a funny little bastard. Oh, I'm sorry. You have a, you have a daughter. She'll be a hot shit though. Um, all right. Uh, well, I say I would, I would have an adult conversation with them. Just say, listen, man, I'm not trying to be a dick.

Um, it's not cool. That's not cool for you to be going in there. Um, when my wife is in there. All right. I just, and then what's the, I don't know. I don't know how you say this to the guy. Just as a man, you know, I don't want you going in and going to the bathroom while my wife is naked in the shower.

Okay. That's it. That's it. And well, you know what? I'm gay or whatever. I said, listen, I don't care. I don't care that you're gay. You know, I don't have any problem with you being gay.

I have a problem with you going in naked while my wife is in the shower. Okay. You're crossing a line there and I don't want you to cross that line again. Okay. That's it. We're cool. And I would leave it at that. And I wouldn't even tell your wife about it.

And if you, he tells your wife and she brings it up with you, just say, listen, I'm not comfortable with that. I don't want another naked man peeing while you're in the shower. I don't think that's unreasonable. I don't think that's unreasonable. And if she gives you shit, just, just be like, look, can you just respect me on this? Okay. We had it out.

He agreed with me. All right. I'm doing this because I love you. All right. Go put on the real housewives. I'll sit here with you, but just, you know, there's a, there's a line here. I think you're totally within your rights just in general. You know what I mean?

Like, yeah, no, I don't want you to do that. You have a fucking right to say that just because you say no to somebody who's gay does not, you know, does not make you fucking homophobic. They are human beings and they're capable of crossing lines. He crossed the line. You don't like it. It's not, it has nothing to do with him being gay. It has to do with the fact that he's a man.

You're treating him like a fucking man. You're treating the way you treat a straight man. That's nothing wrong with that. At least I don't think so. Oh, Jesus. All right. That's the podcast for this week, everybody. If you'd like to donate to the podcast, there's a very easy way to do it that does

not include you spending any money. Next time you go to amazon.com, just swing by billbird.com. Click on the podcast page. You click on the Amazon link on the right hand corner or right hand mid page. It takes your right to Amazon and I get credit for driving traffic there. They kick me a little bit of cash. And it doesn't cost you any extra money. If you'd like to do it, thank you.

If you don't, I respect it. Whatever. That's the deal. That's the money morning podcast. I'll check in with you guys on Thursday. Have a nice couple of days and hey, read up on money. Read up on money. Get your money to fucking work for you.

I highly recommend you do not put it in the fucking stock market. I think that's the biggest fucking scam ever. I am a big believer in buying, investing in something that you can walk up to and touch as opposed to I have shares. Where are they? I don't know, man. They're in the air, man. I don't know where they are, right?

All right. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you in a few days.