Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-28-14

Episode Date: April 28, 2014

Bill rambles about X-Men, probiotics and shady Facebook messages.

MUSIC MUSIC Enjoy Pase and Ramadan with the amazing and diverse assortment of Albert Heijn. And look for the second episode on www.thewereldinhetklein.be That's the nice thing about Albert Heijn! MUSIC Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, April 28th, 2014. What's going on? How are you? I am recording this at...

I'm actually recording it Sunday night. I just finished doing my show here in Albany, at this beautiful theater. I don't even fucking know the name of it. Well, look at that. Would you look at that? And you're probably like, why, Bill? You arrogant ass. Everybody came down to the fucking show. You don't even know the name of the place. Well, the reason for that is, is I've been on vacation and I felt like I was shaking rust off this weekend. I had good shows and everything, but I was more trying to remember the order of things,

how I kind of did shit and what connected to what. And whenever I do that, I'm in my head too much and then I don't... It doesn't flow as well. You know, only I noticed, but I noticed. So, either way, I want to thank everybody who came out in Burlington, Vermont, people who came out in Portland, Maine, and people who came out here in Albany, New York. It was great to come back to this part of the country. I did a lot of my early stand-up, especially up in Maine. I used to do all the Bob Miley gigs up there.

And the old comedy connection up there I used to do. And I didn't do too much shit in Vermont. You know, Vermont is a, I don't know, that's like, it was just a little... I was South of Boston. So, you know, you drove up 93, a Route 3, your fucking one in New Hampshire, then you shot right into Maine. That was basically at that little corner of it that I went to. And so, this time when I came back, I'm Burlington, Vermont, to Portland. I could have driven the fast way, but I decided to go the scenic route.

I'm going to go to the scenic route and see what the country looks like. And I fucking went there, and it was amazing to look at, but I kept getting stuck behind people in like mini vans or trucks. And I'm driving like a psycho. And after a while, there's only so many furniture stores and barns and old places with signs that you can look at before you want to get the fuck out of there. But we had a great time in Vermont. I didn't realize they had the heroin problem they did. You know, I didn't bring it up during the show because it was so not funny, but Jesus Christ, how the fuck is there heroin? Like that level of a problem in Vermont.

Vermont's like one of those states where, you know, you finally knock up your woman, you're like, you know what? Why don't we give this kid a great childhood? And where should we move this kid? Where no one can hurt him. And he can fucking run around with horses and all of that shit, right? And, you know, Vermont's one of those places. Oh, that's right. They had it in Rolling Stone, the new face of heroin, the explosion of drugs like OxyContin has given way to the heroin epidemic, ravaging the least likely corners of America. Jesus Christ.

Like Vermont, what does it say? How do you pronounce B-U-C-O-L-I-C. B-U-C-O-L-I-C. Bukalic, Bukaki, Vermont, which has just woken up to a full blown crisis. You know, ever since AIDS came out, not a lot of people say full blown anymore. So I want to give Rolling Stone a good nod there. You know, I was talking to you about a while ago, I was looking at theaters to do a new special and inside on old theaters, the only time you use the word ornate. And another example is full blown. Full blown is only used with AIDS. I mean, what did they say? I'm trying to think pre-AIDS. Do I fucking remember full blown?

We got a full blown epidemic. I'll tell you last night, I went to the bathroom after that Mexican food. I took a full blown shit. I don't know what people used to say. But ever since I can remember, since the mid-80s, full blown has always been followed with AIDS. Look how much progress we've made with that disease. Not only can people live longer with HIV virus, you can actually now save full blown crisis. That's a major, that's a major movement, you know? Anyways, I got to read this whole thing. I got to read this whole thing. It was terrible to see because it's such a beautiful, frigging place. Oh, Bill, shut up with your stupid travel tips.

You know, go fuck yourself. What do you want from me? I went to three places where you go, either skiing or antiquing. All right, there was no snow. So what else was I supposed to do? I went up there with Verzi and I brought some Cubans out that way. I got to lay off this habit. I really got to, I'm done with it. I'm not done with it. Who's kidding? Who? But I got to knock it down. All right. I smoked enough cigars this month to, I don't know what, kill a fucking grizzly bear. I like them, but I'm finishing the Cubans I got left and then I'm going to be done for a while. At least that's what I'm telling myself. All right, let's talk NHL Playoffs, people. I apologize too if the energy isn't what you're

used to on this podcast. Like I said, I'm in this hotel room and you remember what happened to me in New Jersey when I was screaming cunt at the top of my lungs. I'm trying to avoid that, trying to avoid that. Hey, you know something? I was giving myself shit about all my Stanley Cup picks and all of a sudden all the series are turning around here. Chicago comes back and beats the Blues man. That was amazing and devastating to watch. Amazing for Black Hawk fans, but that's all they've seen for the last few years. So I feel less good for them and more bad for St. Louis. Jesus Christ. How many times are they going to break your heart? That team is aptly named the Blues. Jesus Christ. You got to come up with a new name for that fucking team.

They just keep doing that to their fans. How many times do they keep coming back? Great fans. Why do they keep blowing series? Minnesota actually tied up the series with the Avalanche before they went back up three to two and I felt really good about it until Matt Cook blew out somebody else's knee once again, or as he calls it, finishing his check. I saw his apology, not his apology, just talking about he has. He has cleaned up his game. He actually won an award for being the most improved player, but I just don't get sticking your fucking, I don't get it. I don't get how that's finishing your fucking check. I don't why that the reason that you would do that. I mean, he still could have brought his stick up maybe and hit the guy in the shoulder or something

like that. You don't fucking do that. But nothing I don't understand is why the guy who decides to do a knee-to-knee check, how come both their knees don't blow out? Or how come sometimes the other guy who's doing the dirty move like his knee doesn't blow up? I got to tell you, I think Stefan can tell. I think he's going really lenient. He only gave him a seven game suspension and he only gave Lucic a $5,000 fine for stabbing somebody right between the balls. I don't know. This guy's like a player's coach. Who the fuck knows? Anyways, the Ducks. All right, so Minnesota could still win that series, but that wouldn't make me happy because what the fuck they did or Matt Cook did. But I called the Chicago series. The Ducks are probably on right now.

They're up three to two. I picked the Ducks in that one. I did pick the Kings over the Shacks. That one's three to two. Who the fuck knows? They are the Sharks. Sort of the West Coast, St. Louis Blues, where they just put their, they just torture their fans. They get them all excited. Hey, we might do something. Go fuck yourself. Go watch a baseball game. Sorry about that. Come back in October. You know, there's certain fans. They just like, like San Diego Charger fans. It's just like, what the fuck did they do to deserve what that team does to them? Every goddamn year, Philadelphia Eagle fans. Well, actually, you know what they did. You know what they did. You can't feel bad for Philadelphia Eagle fans. You just can't.

Not all, if some of them, you can't. The ones who actually go to the game and are human beings, but that, that core fan base of fucking animals. I mean, you're surprised. Are you surprised they even know what the score is? They just hose them down every game. That's their bath. Give them eight baths a year, eight home games, right? Now, Canadians, they've wrapped theirs up, four games to done. The penguins are coming back there, three to two. God help you if you don't like hockey. And I picked the Flyers. They actually tied it up two, two, and now it's three, two ranges. So who knows? I still might, my picks might all come in. And what would that mean, Bill? I don't know. I don't fucking know. So now the Bruins get to play the, the blue, black, eight cunts.

Though I actually like the Canadians and I like their uniforms, but I just can't stand their fans. Jesus, they're so fucking, there's such fucking pussies. I just the way, the way they throw up their fucking hands when they think they got robbed on a call, they're so goddamn dramatic. Why don't you just take a little fucking hanky out of your front pocket and fucking wave it at the ref with three of your fingers in the air. You know, I actually went to a game there early this year and I found they're either like that or they're absolute animals. That's, that's, those are Canadian fans. They're either the stereotypical French person minus the BO. I will give them that. Or they, they look like absolute animals. They look like they came in from some

northern fucking province. But anyways, I'm just breaking that balls. All right. I think this, obviously it's a Bruins Canadian series. I know we've swept each other in the past, but I just think that I don't know where we're even enough. It's just never easy. It's, it's going to go, there's, I don't think that they could beat us in under seven games. And I don't think that we could beat them in, in under six. And the sixth game would be in Montreal. It's, it's got to go seven, right? It's got to go seven. When we both have competitive teams that go sevens, it's going to be a classic. And I'll tell you right now, if you're not in the hockey and you want to get into it, why don't you check out the Bruins Canadian series?

All right. So, so there's that Jesus Christ. Why do I try to do a podcast after a fucking show? Huh? I just want to wind down and add to my fucking pasty belly. That's what I want to do. I want to go down to the hotel kiosk and go get some fucking Oreo cookies and then some of those nuclear orange crackers. And you eat the orange crackers first, you get the salt going like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. And then you fucking throw the sugar down your throat. And you wake up the next day and your, your teeth look like a fucking fruit punch thing. I don't know what. Anyways, I haven't been boozing out here and I'm out of sorts and so now like, I guess I'm going to smoke cigars. Like, can I just fucking try and do something healthy?

I watched this whole thing online that creeped me the fuck out about the bacteria in your gut. You know, it was funny as hell. I actually clicked on this thing and they got me and I thought it was like one of these conspiracy theory videos, but it was actually an advertisement thing because for like the first 10 minutes, like an asshole, I'm watching this and this guy's talking about food in this country being the United States and he's going just like, he's going like, the video, they don't want you to see. And he kept going, they, they this and they that and all this fucking bullshit. And he was just talking about how in your gut, you're basically, you have 80, 80% good bacteria and 20% bad bacteria. And if you keep it at that balance, you won't be lethargic,

you'll have energy and you'll basically be a healthy person. And you know, for the most part, they think that that's the best balance to have to not get cancer and that type of shit. So I'm watching this shit and they're talking about probiotics, foods with probiotics like yogurt and fucking, what's that, what's that fucking shit that looks like onions, but it isn't sauerkraut. All right, looks like caramelized onions that never turned brown. It looks like me as a caramelized onion, right? Sauerkraut, right? Olives, pickles, that type of shit has probiotics. That's the good bacteria in your gut. And the 20% shit, that stuff is actually, believe it or not,

this is really fucked up. And when you talk about your, your mortality, the 20% of the bacteria, what they call the bad bacteria is its job is to basically eat you when you die. I know. I don't know. That's what the video said. I'm not a doctor. Don't take this, you can do the fucking research. So basically, because the food in our country is such fucking poison, I guess, what is happening to a lot of people is that the 20% is getting too high and the 80% is dropping. The good versus the bad. And it reaches a tipping point where the, the, the bad bacteria outweighs the good bacteria and it starts taking over and it starts fucking eating away at you like you're dead. And it can get all the way up into your fucking brain.

And you start craving the sugars and the salts. This is why I'm talking about this stuff. Now, I don't know if this is true because in the end of it, they of course had a pill that was going to solve all of this and God knows I didn't go to medical school. Not like you needed me to tell you that shit. You could just tell that by the way I try and read out loud, right? But anyways, I think the core of what they were saying was true because it sounded good. I'll be totally honest. I didn't look up any of this shit. So I'm like, you know what yogurt as probiotics and I'll start eating yogurt like a fucking twinkle toes there. So I'm like, fucking, I'm going to start, I'm going to, what are you going to do, Bill? I'm

going to fucking, I'm going to eat some yogurt, right? So what I wanted, but I want to get the good yogurt. All right, I don't want to get the yogurt that just says all natural or says 100% healthy for you. No trans fats and all that shit because you know, those, those, those big time corporate fucking food makers, they found a way to get around all of that shit. Basically, what they did was they got their own people in the FDA, whatever the fuck it is, they find loopholes where they can, you know, they, they draw a picture of a farm with the sun, the sun behind it, 100% natural organic and all that. And it isn't, you know, they're down there beating the chickens, right? Cutting their beaks off the big fucking breast and the tipping over and shit.

That's, that's basically still what you're eating. And they can write 100% organic and all that crap. They figured out a way around. So I'm sitting there trying to find, like I looked up all natural yogurt. I'll do it right now. Just bear with me here. All right. Just the amount of, you can't find it. I, or at least I don't know how to find it. I don't know how to find a reputable, reputable website that I can trust that will tell me basically where, where I, where the, the, the thing that says 100% organic, that actually is organic. So I just looked up organic yogurt and, and this is, this is the stonyfield.com. That's the one that comes up. I don't know what the ideal is. So I click on these

guys like wallaby, yogurt, Strauss family, creamery.com. Now that's a great name for a corporate fucking farm. This they'll call it the Strauss family creamery. All right. Family was fucking whacked. They, I'm buried underneath the farm. But what killed me is like, I go on these, these websites and I click on them and then they have like big like corporate fucking advertisement in the side. So it's just like you guys, you guys are in bed with the devil here. I mean, maybe these guys are real. Maybe I actually finally, this shit looks real now. I don't fucking know. It's like when you go to like Edmunds, Blue Book or Edmunds and you're trying to find the actual price of a car when you go to buy it and then you look

in the side and like Chevrolet is paying for advertising on there and like that is like a major red flag. It's like if you're underlying every car salesman at Chevrolet, letting them know what a fucking Lumina actually cost you if they still make that fucking thing. The Lumina guy, the Lumina, right? Why would they advertise? Does any of this make any sense? Just can you guys tell me where do I go? Where is there a website that can actually tell me where the good food is, where the food is that says it's organic and actually is organic? Jesus, did I just open up a fucking can of worms with that one? All these fucking people are just going to, the amount of shit that's going to be written to me and the amount of it that's going to have liberal or Obama. I don't know,

you know, like what the fuck? I retweeted something the other day about how they're trying to get rid of a lot of the freedom of speech on the internet. You know, the amount of racists on there. I don't know how bad an idea that would be sometimes, but generally speaking, they're trying to sew it up, right? So it's just really creepy article about how they're going about doing it and pushing it through Congress and all this shit. So I retweet it because it's interesting and I figure maybe somebody smart will look at it and maybe they can do something about it because I'm too fucking stupid. So I retweet it and then somebody writes back, right? So you're surprised that Obama lied? That's what they write. And it's just, I swear to God, those kinds of comments, I actually feel like

those people who write those are fake. I don't believe that they're actual citizens. I think they work for the government and they do that just to start that stupid Republican Democrat arguing with each other so nothing gets done. You know what I mean? It's just the assumption that like, it's like I didn't vote for the guy. The guy doesn't control the fucking internet. He didn't do anything. The guy fucking makes four and a grand a fucking year makes four and a grand a year. He's set up to be bribed. That's why I don't vote Democrat or Republican at that level. It's bullshit. It's fucking over. Okay. This is just really interesting. This is going to happen. I'm just trying to get it out there and you're going to rather than having people read this. And if it

is true and they want to change it, rather than going down that road, you're going to try to knock it off fucking course with that bullshit. So I don't know. I gotta pat myself on the back because I actually didn't take the bait probably because I only have 18 characters to call this guy a cunt or whatever the fuck they give you on Twitter. But I don't know. Can you do me a favor? Can somebody just for the full love of God start a fucking movement where people stop doing that? Stop fucking because the Republican stuff. Forget it. It's over. All right. The argument's over. Anyway, I don't know. I'm talking about either guys. All right, I'm fucking wiped out here. Let's let's do a little bit of advertising. Oh, Jesus,

look who's back. It's our old friends. Yes, you guessed it. Where the hell is it? There it is. Our old friends. Sherry's berries. They came back are good friends that Sherry's berries are back. What the hell? Holiday is coming up. Easter already went away. Oh, you're going to get this for your mother. Order giant freshly covered strawberries from Sherry's berries starting at $19.99 and over 40% savings or double the berries for just $10 more. Click on the mic in the upper right hand corner. You just need my code burr, b-u-r-r. When you order, after all, she went through hours of labor to push you out of her. Gross. Kept you alive and fed you for years. Go to berries.com and get your mom freshly dipped berries. This is so gross for $19.99 when you enter my code burr.

Make your mom proud with this sweetness. They're doing this on purpose. I just, this is enormous fresh juicy mouthwatering berries. White milk and dark chocolate covered goodness. Top with chocolate chips, decorative swizzle or nuts. Order your mom some Sherry's berries today. Go to berries.com. Enter the code burr and show your brothers and sisters why you are mom's favorite child. This deal expires Friday at midnight. Make sure you order now. Do you realize the amount of, what is that, an edible concept? What the fuck is it? What's that thing when you want to fuck your mom? That was just too creepy. Anyways, pro flowers. Bill, here at pro flowers, we get it. You have a show to do. You don't want to think up the content for the advertisers.

That's our, is this not what I'm not supposed to be reading out loud? We're on your show this week to remind you that your fans, oh, I guess this is supposed to be them. Okay, I'm sorry. We're on your show this week to remind you and your fans that Mother's Day is next week. You're reminding me too. It's fucking April. You got to admit the woman who brought us into the world, just please don't bring up her veg and put up with all of our shenanigans as one heck of a lady and ought to get some special stuff this Mother's Day. We're taking a guess that you gave your mom a few gray hairs along the way. So now's the time. Mother's Day is on May 11th in case anyone needs a clue. Fill her special day with one dozen assorted colored roses with a free glass vase from proflowers.com just

for $19.99. If mom has a green thumb, upgrade. Sorry, upgrade. I got to stop doing this. All right, dude, you guys really need to, you really need to proofread some of this stuff because it can be taken so many different ways. All right, upgrade to the pink potted rose or yellow potted rose plant for just $9.99 more. Your listeners can get this special Mother's Day deal using your code, BR, B-U-R-R. Order now while supplies last. Besides the longer you wait, the price will go up. Jesus happens every time. Proflowers are guaranteed to last a full week or get your money back. The only way to get this amazing Mother's Day deal is to go to proflowers.com, click on the blue microphone in the top right-hand corner and type in BR. That's

proflowers.com, click the blue microphone and type in BR. This deal expires Friday at midnight. Make sure you order them today. All right, that's enough of that. Good Lord. Maybe it wasn't that. Maybe it was the copy before that that got me thinking the way I was just thinking. That was weird. All right, let's get back to the podcast. 24 fucking minutes in. All right, what am I talking about? Oh, I got to tell you this story. Me and Verzi, New Jersey's own Paul Verzi, the pride of, what do we say, the pride of Red Bank. Nah, he's too dumb to be in Red Bank. We'll say Trenton. We were working in Portland, Oregon, and we're staying at this fucking hotel, right? And there was some sort of

Glee Club convention of people like 50 years, you know, 40, 50 years old, like they called themselves Harmony Incorporated, and they were having like this regional they were having like this, this regional, I don't know what this, this sing off thing between these different acapella bands, not bands, they just sing acapella, and every year they have a different theme. So this year was superhero. So there's all these old ladies and guys walking around with Superman capes and they're harmonizing in the fucking lobby, right? So me and Verzi are standing outside smoking these cigars, right? That's fucking freezing out and shit, but you can't smoke anywhere anymore. So we're standing outside

smoking these things. And all of a sudden we see this guy come walking out, he's got like a wife beater on a beer belly, and these mutton chops and jet black hair, slick back in a big medallion, I'm thinking he's coming, he's an Elvis impersonator, right? And he comes walking out, turns out he's like a he's Wolverine from, from X-Men, he didn't have mutton chops that went up and around, like he had died his beard, I guess, I don't know what, whatever. And he's got like, fucking, he's got this Gardner glove with like three butter knives coming out of it, and he's got this giant cigar. And I'm like, please come out here, I got to talk to this guy. So he come out there and he tells us the whole fucking story in, in the middle of us telling

the story, his wife is bringing the car around. And I swear to God, I said something and I made him laugh, and he farted, and he didn't address it. Okay, he's standing there dressed like Wolverine with these butter knives coming out. And he laughed as he was telling this story. And it wasn't just like a quick one, it went like, swear to God, I thought he shit himself. And he didn't address it. And he's sort of like, at one point, he just sort of, he gave one swat behind his ass, like to make it go away. And I think I thought he did it with his regular hand. Versey insists that he did it with his butter knife hand either way. He didn't address it. And I was sitting there going like, did he just fart? Was that Versey who farted? And I fucking looked at Versey and Versey's looking

at me. He just had this look on his face like this dude just farted. And I had my hoodie up because it was cold out. I buzzed down my head. So my head was fucking cold. So I put my hoodie up. I had my hoodie up when I was smoking. When I saw Versey's face, I just turned around and would not, I couldn't look at either one of them. And I was laughing my ass off. And fortunately, his wife pulled up. And I basically I left Versey by himself. Versey had to look at this guy and keep the conversation going after this. He basically basically sharded right in front of us and never addressed it. And so Versey tried to say, there's your wife pulling up with a car, but he was laughing. It made no sense. He just said,

oh, there's your wife, but you'd never laugh at that because he just farted. He's like, oh, there's your wife. So it's something he was laughing at his wife, like how fucked up she looked, but she didn't. She was beautiful. And he's like, all right, guys, see you later. And he waves with his, his butter knives. And he just fucking got in the car and drove away, looking like a fat, retired Wolverine. Oh my God. We fucking laughed our asses off. And we just kept imitating that far. It's like it fucking came around a corner. Anyways, that's gross. What are we doing here on this fucking podcast? Let's... Oh, you know what? I just did one of those city tours here in Albany. I had my good friend Tom Lewis come down and he filmed me. I did a tour of this city and

it's one of these cities like Buffalo, like Cleveland, like Detroit, where you see the beautiful city. There's just no money here to get it going. There's like abandoned buildings and that type of shit. You get a couple blocks over. It looks like you're in Baltimore, you know? Another great city. It's fucking unbelievable how that happened. So I guess out here, though, they're starting to make more money because they're working on something called, I don't nano something around. I figure what the fuck it is. It's basically shit that they're gonna maybe start putting in food to make it last even longer. Like preservatives don't already make it last fucking longer. I don't fucking know. Either way, it'll get pushed through. People will say it's

good and then you'll try it. And then someday you'll fucking, I don't know, one of your feet will fall off. Which is why I'm just trying to find some fucking yogurt. Can I just find some yogurt that can I get some probiotics in me? I watched the advertisement. They got me. They hooked me. All right? But I'm not buying their pill. Fuck them. All right? I want to buy just some yogurt. Can I just get some for somebody for the love of fucking God. Can somebody help me find where the fucking food is that doesn't kill you? Can somebody do that? As I said, there's smoke and cigars. What a fucking hypocrite. All right, let's let's read some some letters for this week. Here we go. Podcasts podcast helps me fall asleep. Dear Bill, I've been a fan of yours for years.

When you play Cleveland about six years back, I met you and you were so personable. Are you sure this was me? Anyways, I had sleeping issues for years. I discovered your Monday morning podcast in your old podcast uninformed with Joe DeRosa. I listen to them every night and laugh while your Boston accent and yelling helps me fall asleep. That's hilarious. It takes my mind off my day. I just wanted to say thank you and keep it up. Oh, that was from a lady that might have been like passive aggressive what she's saying like you're so fucking boring. I fall asleep. Well, you know, either that or you grew up in a household like mine where everyone was fucking screaming at each other. I don't know. Oh, I forgot. I went to

the I went to the Red Sox. Take me out to the ball game. I went to that Red Sox game the day after the the day after the pint our incident, which was so fucking stupid. I mean, you know, it's funny is they all know that they do it. And I guess it's just to get a better grip on the baseball. So I mean, it's cheating because they don't allow it, but it's not really cheating. It's actually smart. I mean, you're throwing an object like close to 100 miles an hour, you could kill somebody. If you're having problems gripping it because it's so fucking cold. I mean, everybody in baseball saying pint hard does not it doesn't change the action on the ball. So I guess that's why they have the rosin bag, which is just powder and powder doesn't work in cold weather.

So everybody puts a little glob of it somewhere. I don't fucking know. And I got to be honest with you, I finally just watched the video and everybody's like, oh, my God, dude, it was so obvious. No, it wasn't. It was obvious after they said it. And then everybody's like, dude, we could fucking see it from right field. Now you couldn't. What after it happened? Didn't we all cheer when Mark McGuire was hitting the home runs? We all thought it was great. We thought he was doing some extra curls. Then all of a sudden he gets busted or admits to it and then everybody knew go fuck yourself. I was caught up in it. I went down there with Christmas in my eyes. I thought him and say I thought if he did, I thought no way Sammy Sosa did. And then once

they found both of them broke my heart, then I thought everybody did. So anyways, we went to the Red Sox game. I went down there with my mom, took my mom to the game and had a great time. We got pounded. It was fucking hilarious. It was like, I think it was seven to nothing after three innings. We'd already committed two or three errors, committed five for the game. By the end of the game, some utility outfielder came in and pitched for us. It was a shit show. It was a four hour, four hour fucking game. Four on five minute or something like that. It was freezing cold, but I didn't leave. I learned that from my mom and I was there with my mom. We stayed to the end and it was unreal. We ended up walking out and the Bruins game was still going because it was

an overtime. That's right. Critical game too. We didn't want to let Detroit back into the series and tie it up two to two. This was to go up three to one and we were walking back to the car and we walked by a bar and the Bruins game was on in there and I said to my mom, hey, you almost want to dip in there and watch a little bit of the Bruins and she's like, sure. We walked in there. We were literally in there for like 90 seconds. That's all I saw of the game. The final 90 seconds and Dougie Hamilton came down, took the shot, Gilna tipped it in and everybody went fucking nuts. I got to tell you, I really missed living back here. Just how sports crazy it is and it's the teams that I love. You're at the Red Sox game and out there, they got the old time scoreboard and

they still put the Bruins up there. Instead of first inning, it's first period, second period, third period, then they got to the overtime and they left it there for a minute and they're like, well, we don't have OT and somebody finally was like, well, just put the four up there. They'll get it and that was a fucking great time. I ate like an animal back here. All the fucking places I used to eat at when I was in my late teens, early twenties where I could eat that shit and still wake up with a flat stomach as opposed to now looking like a fucking tub of shit and I'm driving back from Albany and I'm going to hit another spot before I go to the airport tomorrow. I'm just loading up on it and then I'm lying to myself that I'm going to eat this fucking yogurt,

this probiotic shit and I'm going to beat down the bad guys. I'd love to know where I'm at right now with those fucking things. I'll tell you right now, if booze kills the bad bacteria in your gut, I will never decompose. How about that? Anyways, well, listen, I'm glad my podcast helps you fall asleep, I guess. Don't tell the advertisers that. Yeah, me and Jarosa, we got to get that uninformed thing going again. He's a big fancy guy right now. He's been writing on the wonderful Pete Holmes show and I think they're wrapping their series, their season I should say, this week. So maybe me and Joe will, maybe we'll sit down and maybe we'll crank an uninformed out. Who knows? I don't want to keep raising up your hopes because I keep saying that, you know,

like that fucking team that makes the playoffs every year and then blows it in the first round. I don't want to be that. I kind of have been that way though with the uninformed shit though, so I apologize. Anyways, all right, here's another one. Bill, can I make it? You guys remember that early 80s sitcom that didn't last for too long? Making it, making it to with blah, blah, blah. We something, something. We did that there and we blah, blah, blah. We're making it. This time in life, I'm taking it. This is a failed sitcom, people. No more, no more faking it. I watched every episode. You ever do that? You ever watch like every episode of a failed sitcom and when it fails, you kind of feel like you failed. Like I'm the only idiot that was watching this

shit. I watched Hello Larry every episode of that and I loved it. They fucking took that off. I watched every episode of making it. My two dads. That's actually an interesting one. Joni loves Cha-Chi. I watched every episode of that and they just fucking, they just made me feel dumb. Then I lost all my TV watching self-esteem and I just waited till find out what the hits were. Then I would just bandwagon on like chairs, moonlighting and that type of shit back in the day. How awful was Bruce Willis' haircut in fucking moonlighting? He was doing all he could fucking do. So he was starting to lose it. He had like the Fonzie Ducktail. Ducktail, the DA in the back and then on top. I don't know what the fuck he was doing. He was

poofing it up. You look like a balding vampire. Okay. Anyways, Bill, can I make it? It was like a fucking disco ball and shit in the beginning of it. Did somebody find that? I've actually tried to find it on YouTube. I want to say I found it one time but I've looked it up on IMDb. I can't find it. I know that the theme song was making it. I think it was. And I want to say the star of the show actually sang the song. So he would have got fucking paid. That's a showbiz thing. You might not know. Showbiz. You might not know that if you write the song, like the theme song to the show, like you get paid every time they fucking play it. How awesome is that? That's why Merv Griffin, you know, not only did he write

those games, you know, create all those game shows like Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy. He actually wrote like, you know, when you're thinking of shit, that song. That fucking thing, he wrote that. So every time they played it, he got paid again. Do you think you have enough musical ability to come up with something like that? How far into could you get? Were you actually good enough to come up with do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, right? That's that's that's that's what makes everybody that's the hook do, do, do, do, do. And then you go, Oh, I remember that part from the beginning. And then you're fucking in there. It's genius. What a giant head that guy had. Don't wonder we were so smart. You know, he must have a huge fucking brain. I bet the bad bacteria

is still munching away on that one, huh? Jesus, that's awful. Can I make it? Hi there, Bill. My name is Ben. And I'm from Israel. No, you're not. There's nobody named Ben from Israel. Ben's will visit Israel. I thought that was like an American name, like Ben Franklin. You know, sometimes I notice how dumb I am. That was one of those moments. Sorry, Ben from Israel. All right, I'm 33 years old, a father, and I've recently decided my dream is to work in comedy. I've written a lot of funny bits. But sadly, the standup scene isn't very developed here. I'm also not a funny guy, he put in quotes. So I feel it might not be for me to might not be I'm going to try to correct this. It's not might not be basically my path to perform,

even though I write some funny shit. How do you recommend I approach this? Practice the only open mic in Israel filled with weirdos and only once a week. Get a funny actor friend to do my material, find amateur nights. I don't want to waste any more time. I want to make some sort of career from comedy. All right. Well, unfortunately, sir, you can't rush these kinds of things. I would do all of that. But the advantage that you have, because I know you want to do this quickly because you feel like you're 33 years old and you got a you got a kid, you got to you got to make make something happen here. You're actually advanced in that you you understand your strengths and your weaknesses. And you're trying to see if you can work on your weaknesses to maybe perform or go to

your strength and have somebody else perform it for you. I would try. Look, the open mic is only once a week. So what the fuck? What does that take? That's one night out of the week. All right, the rest of the time you can try other stuff. You can try making YouTube videos. You can try writing scripts. You can try all of that shit. And the great thing about show business is you just start doing it and then you're in the business. And if you don't stop, eventually you will start making money. If you write something that people that appeals to people, but you're never going to know unless you do it. My biggest advice I would give you is quit thinking about the fact that you're 33 years old and focus more on the fact that it's a dream that you want to that, you know,

that you want to achieve. And you got to go after that stuff in life or else you're going to have regret, um, what you don't want, you know, so I would just, I would focus on that. Don't quit your day job as they say. Just keep doing that so everything's good. And then as you start making more money in comedy, eventually you transition over. That's all there is to it. So all I got to really say is congratulations, Ben. Welcome to the world of comedy. Have a good fucking time. And don't be too hard on yourself. All right, stay away from the cunts, the negative people and, uh, you know, I don't know whether there's no comedy scene over this, so you can create one. How about that? There you go. Jesus Christ, there's got to be plenty

of shit to talk about there. All that stuff going on, huh? You know what you should do? Why don't you start a fucking in Israeli, Palestinian comedy night? You know, you guys all hang out and get along. Then they can do a local piece going, you know, maybe politically these two sides don't get along. But when it comes to laughing, they all speak the same language. My name is Susie Sunquist. Here's my cleavage and I'm standing in front of the first comedy club in Israel. Let's go over and talk to Ben. Ben, how did you come up with doing comedy with your mortal enemy? Yeah, you know, fucking things right there. It's wide open. It's wide open. It's like when Vegas first starts, they're waiting for you to open the casino, Ben. All right. There you go. All right. What do we

got here? Girlfriend's withdrawal. She's withdrawing. Dear Bill Nye, the illiterate guy. You know, it's funny. That's a funny joke and I blew it because I can't read out loud because I'm kind of illiterate. Dear Bill Nye, the illiterate guy. Big fan of your podcast, looking forward to others. I'll get right to it. My girlfriend and I have a very active sex life. We've been trying to we've been trying to stay sorry, I'm still thinking of why that green thumb made me laugh and I'm not going to fucking tell you why. Big fan of your specials, looking forward to others. I'll get right to it. My girlfriend and I have a very active sex life and we've been trying to stay safe during and she recently suggested during what? And she recently suggested that we withhold from sex until

she obtains birth control. Well, Jesus Christ, yes. My issue is that the apartment is a month and a half away. Oh, Jesus Christ, dude. Fucking rub one out. Said my BS meter is going crazy on this. All of a sudden we can't use a condom anymore. Do you think this is caused for more concern or am I just being paranoid? Thanks in advance and go fuck yourself. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. That's interesting. I didn't even look at it that way. Let me reread this. My girlfriend and I have a very active sex life. We've been trying to stay safe during this time. She recently suggested that we withhold from sex until she obtains birth control. All right. And then it's a month and a half away. My BS meter is going crazy. All of a sudden we

can't even use a condom anymore. No, I don't think that's cause for concern. What do you think? What do you think she's doing? That's not cause for concern. That's, you know, you were getting the cookie and now she took the cookies away and you're kind of upset about it. I don't know. You're a young guy, so you want to fuck every day. And I imagine a month and a half seems like a million miles away. I'm an older guy, so I'm like, yeah, I'll give a shit. Jerk off like twice. I can do six weeks easy. No, I wouldn't. She might have, maybe one of her friends had an issue and it scared the shit out of her. And I don't know what, but what I would do

is I would sit down and talk to her about it without being accusatory. And I would just say, listen, I just want to talk to you about the whole birth control thing if we could. And there's nothing women enjoy better than that guy actually saying, I would like to sit down and discuss something in a relationship. They love doing that, at least the ones that, you know, unless they're wired like a guy. And if they are, they're like, oh my God, shut up. And just say, listen, you know, we've been obviously, we've had a great sex life. Yeah. And you know, I love you. You got to do that bullshit. That's like the beginning of a speech. You're like, welcome everybody. Thank you for coming. It's an honor to be up here.

That's what you're doing. You know, I love you. You're beautiful. And then you get to the fucking point to say, listen, we had a very active sex life. We've been using a condom. Nothing's ever happened. And all of a sudden, I understand you want to be on birth control, which is cool. I'm just making sure if there's no other issue. You know, because, you know, I find you really attractive and six weeks is a long ways away. And I was just wondering why we couldn't continue to use a condom. I'm not pressuring you. I'm just asking because I really want to fuck you. No, don't say that last part. That's what I would do. You've gots to sit down and talk to your bitch, motherfucker. I'm married. I'm not dead. Dare Bill.

Bill the beguiling. I don't even know what that means. You know, it's funny. You guys all the time are writing and saying how good I am at giving out advice. I'm the classic person that's good at giving out advice in that I give out great advice and then continue to walk around and being a complete fucking idiot. You know, I gotta get like everything that I just said to that fucking guy, I should be saying to myself, why don't I do that? Why don't I sit down and just say, hey, you know, I love you. You know, I think you're gorgeous. I want to thank you for being here, coming here this evening. And then just be able to calmly, I don't know, I gotta get rid of this fucking anger, man. It's, it's, I gotta get rid of this shit. You know, I don't have to get rid of

it, but it can't be the default fucking emotion. Like when I was driving across from Montenegro, New Hampshire, down to Portland, Maine, going across route two, the amount of times I had a mild heart attack is I'm flipping out about the douchebag driving in front of me, only to finally, you know, when it becomes two lanes, go past them and see it's a cute little old lady. And that's why they're driving slow. You'd think I would learn the lesson like, oh, you know, there's some old people out here, Bill, why don't you relax? This is syrup country. They do things a little slower up here. You know, I did, I just kept making the same mistake over and fucking over again, driving like a maniac. You know, I made the decision to get off the fucking highway.

You know what happens, you know, you're going to end up behind some pickup truck pulling a couple of fucking horses for a good hour. And I still got my, I'm an idiot. I really have to conquer that. If anybody knows how to fucking, I go through ebbs and flows where I'll be, my anger issues will be way, way better. And they're still completely unacceptable, as Verzi likes to say. But then, then they start ramping up again. And it's just a fucking embarrassing. All right. Anyways, I'm married. I'm not dead. Dear Bill the beguiling. What the fuck does that mean? Look at that. Like right there. What the fuck does that mean? Why couldn't I have been like, Oh, I wonder what that means. Oh, a new world, new word, new world, new word. This is, this is

just a wonderful opportunity to learn something here in my own podcast. And you know, and I, I learned a lot. I learned just as much from my English. And why, why can I do that? All right, beguile charm or enhance parentheses, someone sometime in a deceptive way. Okay. So this is sort of a compliment, but not really. Okay, here we go. Now recently, I've been talking to a friend that I haven't heard from in a while via Facebook. Oh, Jesus. Here we go. We continued to talk and catch up and I found out he is married and has a two year old while that's fucking hilarious. That should come out immediately. All right, while away, someone, he asked me to wait while away somewhere. Oh, when he was on the internet, he asked me to send him

some sexy pictures. See right there, the fact that you had to, we went back and forth a number of times before he said he's married and has a two year old. That's not a good, that should be immediately boom. He's supposed to do that immediately. I'm married. Boom. Done. All right. So this doesn't go in a weird fucking way because we used to fuck. Right. Isn't that what's supposed to happen? He said, I said, I said no and responded. Aren't you married? He replied, I'm married. I'm not dead. God. He's also been flirting with me a lot. I think it's disrespectful to his wife and to ask me for something like that when I'm sure it would, it would help his marriage by making her feel attractive if he asked her.

What? This was such an interesting email. Did I read it wrong? I think it is disrespectful to his wife to ask me for something like that when I'm sure it would, I'm just going to say wouldn't. It wouldn't help his marriage by making her feel attractive. I'm sure it would help his, oh, help his marriage if he asked her to send him some pictures. Okay. Some sexy pictures. She said, I also think the flirting is disrespectful. I'm a lady, by the way. What do you think? Well, yeah, you're obviously right, but I am also wondering why do you continue to talk to this guy? You reached out to him. You didn't know he was married. Okay. He doesn't say he's married. So it starts to, obviously it started to go down. No, no, no, no, no, no. And then he's,

then you find out he was married and had a two year old. All right. So he keeps it going. And then when he's away, he asks you to send him some sexy pictures and you responded and he said, no. And you said, aren't you married? You knew he was married. He said he was married. Why did you keep hanging around? And now he's continuing to flirt with you. Why are you still talking to this guy? What's going on with you? Yeah, why are you, why are you continuing to talk to this guy? This is a no brainer. Yeah, he shouldn't be doing this. This is completely not what you're supposed to be doing if you are married. All right. I'm not judging anybody in this fucking thing. I'm just saying that he shouldn't be doing that. And if you are offended

by it, you shouldn't continue to talk to the guy. So okay, so I guess, okay, so wait, so he doesn't, you don't send him the pictures, but you continue to talk to him. Then he's been flirting with you and you think it's disrespectful. Yeah, I mean, I don't, yeah, yeah, it's, it's disrespectful because he already said the sexy pictures thing. So it already brought it into a bad fucking, this guy would bang you if you'd let him basically. So he already brought it into a bad area. Do I think flirting is disrespectful online? Absolutely. If you're at work, I mean, I don't give a shit. You know what I mean? Jesus Christ would work. I don't know. It depends on the level of it, but you know, what are you supposed to fucking do?

Like I'm not one of those guys, if I drive down the street, okay, like I gotta tell you, when I was in LA, I was at a stoplight by myself and this dude jogging by, I swear to God, he looked like, like Marvel Comics couldn't draw a more jacked guy. Like I looked at him and I went, Jesus Christ, his back was shredded. The guy had no fat on him whatsoever. And he's jogging down the street, no shirt on, no nothing. I mean, this guy must be fucking everything in Hollywood. Even I'm sitting there going, Jesus Christ. Now, if my wife was there, what am I going to do? He wins. I'll tell you right now, if I ran down the street with my shirt off, that would be the end of my career. So what am I going to do? I'm

going to get mad that she's looking at this fucking statue was goddamn Greek God running down the fucking street. Greek God via Africa, you know, what am I going to, what the fuck? I don't give a shit. I really don't give a shit. I don't. I don't know. You don't want to talk to me when it comes to this type of stuff. It's one of these, when I look at that stuff, like, I always look at it like it shouldn't be done. It's a Chris Rock bit. You shouldn't do it, but I understand. It's fucking that that's why the internet, it's terrible. It's terrible when it comes to that shit because back in the day, you wouldn't be able to get in touch. Tom Green has this fucking unbelievable bit on this. Watch his special. I hope he did his bit on Facebook. He does this

fucking unbelievable bit on it. Wait, it's just, it's just there. It's just fucking there. It's it's harder than ever not to fuck around. I guess I don't know, but is he doing something wrong? Yeah, but you're kind of, I don't understand why you, I would ask yourself why you're still, you're still talking to the person. I mean, you reached out. That's what I'm guessing. You reached out to him because you're single right now is what I'm guessing. This is somebody maybe you had a fling with back in the day or, you know, maybe you always wanted to when you reached out. Maybe that's what you're doing. And then all of a sudden, you know, you find out he's marrying as a kid and then all of a sudden he shows that he would fuck around on his wife and you're like,

wow, this isn't the guy I thought he was. So you're continuing to do more follow up questions just so you, in your own way, you can get this guy out of your head because you're seeing what a dirtbag he is. I got to tell you this. I'm married. I'm not dead is a fucking terrible line. That's the line you say to your guy friend in the bar, you know, and she fucking says blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, you know, can you believe she said that? I mean, I'm fucking married. I'm not dead. That's something you say to a gay. I say that's a woman. Jesus Christ. That's terrible. That's just blunt force trauma of truth. It's a one, two punch. He shouldn't have done that. All right. Whatever. I don't know what to tell you. I would just say stop talking to him. Does that

work? Does that work for you? I don't fucking know. All right. So somehow I've limped my way through this podcast. Oh, Jesus Christ. I have more fucking advertising to read. I forgot. Hang on a second. Hang on, hang on, hang on. All right. Here we go. And then I'll tell you another story. How about that? All right. Hulu plus everybody. Now you've probably tried Hulu on your computer. Hulu plus is so much more with Hulu plus. You can watch current season episodes of your favorite shows like modern family, the daily show and scandal and watch every episodes of shows like Nashville, Lost and Doctor Who. Swap with any red slash green color coded shows listed. You get ad free movies and kid shows too. Now more than ever, there's so much to watch. Take

total control with Hulu plus to stream those shows and thousands more as much as you want, wherever you want. Hulu plus works on your computer, your smartphone, Roku, whatever that is, Apple TV, Xbox, PlayStation, pretty much any streaming device you already own. You can even watch on your phone or iPad while on the train at work at the dentist or in the bathroom. You can even block off a day to binge. You'll also get access to originals on, I'm sorry, Hulu originals that you can't get anywhere else. Check out the new show, Deadbeat, a comedy about a pot smoking guy who talks to ghosts. Jesus, I got to watch that. That sounds binge on all 10 episodes starting April 9th for only $7.99 a month. Get your shows anytime, anywhere. That's like a quarter a day,

everybody. Right now, sign up at huluplus.com slash bill, click on the banner on my website and get two weeks full access, completely free. This is a whole extra week more with this special offer when you sign up at huluplus.com slash bill. So get with it and start streaming TV now with Hulu plus. Oh, one of our favorites, Dollar Shave Club, everybody. Nothing feels better than that first shave with a fresh blade, right? It's smooth. It's close and the blade is as sharp as it's ever going to be. God damn it, it feels fantastic. But thanks to the shave company, ridiculous prices, you can't afford to get a fresh blade every week, can you? So you drag that damn blade, that dull ass blade across your face for two weeks, three weeks, 10 weeks. Why do you keep

doing that to yourself? Maybe because the only thing more painful than shaving with an old blade is shelling out 30 bucks for a pack of new ones. Well, if you want to enjoy a fresh blade every week, but you don't want to take out a second mortgage on your house, you got to join dollarshaveclub.com. For just a couple bucks a month, dollarshave.com ships me the highest quality blades you can get. I'm a four blade guy and with Dollar Shave Club, it's only six bucks for a four pack. I actually like two blades, but they don't make those anymore. At least I don't have the razor. So I use three. Seriously, only six bucks for the best quality blades you can get. So every week I can pop in a fresh blade and treat myself to an amazing shave. It's incredible. dollarshaveclub.com gets

amazing quality blades in the mail for a couple bucks and treat yourself to a brand new blade every single week. Why wouldn't you do that? Your face is going to love you. Hundreds of thousands of guys have upgraded to shaving with dollarshaveclub. I am one of them and I'm loving it. Now it's your turn. Shave time, shave money, dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. Jesus Christ, these fucking things get longer every week. Legal zoom, everybody. Modern technology is great smartphones, iPads and other gadgets make it easy to do so many things. But why is it that our lives seem to get busier at the same time? Well, because you have to charge all of them, right? No. Well, when it comes to getting the legal help you need, legal zoom provides a great

solution that works with your busy schedule. Let's face it, the legal system is complicated. There are better things you can do with your time. Thankfully, legal zoom is there for you. So if you're thinking about starting a business, forming an LLC or getting a trademark, will or living trust, legal zoom gets the job done right. You'll get the personal attention you need and they'll help you take care of all the details. Legal zoom has been helping families and small business owners for 14 years and they received an A plus from the Better Business Bureau. Call or visit legal zoom today for an extra discount enter burr burr in the referral box at checkout. That's legal zoom.com discount discount code burr. Legal zoom provides legal help through

independent attorneys and self help services. But they are not a law firm. Go to legal zoom.com enter the discount code burr. All right. There we go. All right, that was it. That was a part care. Okay, good. Okay, I got a YouTube video of the week. Remember I used to do that shit? The YouTube videos of the week. This is the one I got. You guys got to look at this one six year old boxer. This kid is fucking incredible. His dad is an amazing trainer and he has this kid. The guy's hilarious. He's like, he's basically teaching everybody else in the neighborhood how to box and he's like, well, great. So now what they're all going to beat the shit out of my kid. I don't think so. So he's been training his kid how to box and I'm telling you

this kid is throwing man punches at six years of age. He's popping the, you know, those, you know, the pads that these guys put on. God help a six year old that fucks with this kid. They are going to be in trouble. He's slipping punches. He's throwing combinations and then jump it back. All that shit that I still suck at. I swear to God, if this kid just wound up and punched me in the face, I would be in trouble. If he caught me in the perfect spot, he probably knocked me up. I got it. You got to see this. This kid is absolutely adorable. It's funny because like he's into like six year old stuff like he likes Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson's his favorite and he basically likes him because

Mike had a tiger and he wants to get a tiger. Like how adorable is that? Like, oh my God, this kid's fucking adorable. He's missing one front tooth, cute little kid. And then he puts on the boxing gloves. You're like, God damn, Jesus Christ. This kid would fuck me up. So you definitely got to check that out. And I think that's it. That's going to be the podcast for this week. Hey, if you guys, seriously, I know I was fucking around, but if you guys know any way that I can figure out what is really organic shit and what isn't, because I even know at those farmers markets that a lot of that stuff is from corporate farms and they just write a bunch of horse shit on it. So, you know, you might as well just go to the grocery store. I don't understand why I'm

I guess money, why they're so hell bent on fucking doing that to the food, but whatever, you know, the older I get the harder it is for me to stay in shape. So I got to try to make sure, plus with all the cigar smoking and that I got to try to do something. All right, so if you can help me out, I would appreciate it. Anyways, I'm going to keep watching the the NHL playoffs. I know it's hard in the NBA. Verzi told me I was full of shit. He said the Memphis Grizzlies and I almost said Oklahoma Sooners. It's how little I watch basketball. The Oklahoma Thunder, right? Oklahoma City Thunder. The Tulsa Turbulence, whatever. I heard that that series is fucking amazing. I actually really like Oklahoma. I like Kevin Durant. He's my favorite player in the NBA

when I actually watch. All right, there. Maybe I'll put on some NBA now. Maybe I'll watch the late game. Who the fuck knows? That's it. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. I apologize that it took me so long to upload this thing. Hopefully tomorrow I can find a goddamn radio shack or some shit and I can find the connecting wire here that I need to upload this fucking thing. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.