Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-29-13

Episode Date: April 30, 2013

Bill rambles about the Lakers MVP, whoring himself out for oilmen and how not to be forgettable.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast from April 29, 2013. How are you? How are you doing? I am in a fucking phenomenal mood. Absolutely, I'm in a great goddamn mood. You know why? You know why?

Because I'm not even mad right now that my cell phone is ringing this fucking early in the podcast. I'm not. I'm not. You know what's funny? That cell phone just made me completely lose my train of thought. That's how simplistic my brain is. It goes in a straight line, one fucking thing, knocks it off track and I just, I forget where

I was going. Why am I in a great mood? Oh, I know why because the Celtics showed that they have fucking hot and the Lakers lost, got swept, disgraced, humiliated and I loved every goddamn second of it. You know why? I'm back on track. I feel fucking vindicated after all these Laker fans, you know, were tweeting me, Facebooking me, my spacing me, friend-stirring me, saying that I'm just a hater, you know, which is

the classic thing that somebody says when they can't refute any points that you made. They go, oh, you're just a hater. When I told them that the guy that they constantly sit there and call and chant MVP at is, is a fucking cancer on that team. It's a fucking cancer and they just can't see it because, I'm not saying all of them, but just because they, that everybody plays these fantasy fucking football, baseball, bullshit, all they look at is stats. All right.

Let me tell you something, Laker fans, when you're not eating your pot cookies and body fucking boogie board and or whatever the fuck it is you guys do, you know, when you're not laying back at the chair at the fucking dental office, getting Botox in your fucking head, even though you're only 19 years old, why don't you just put yourself in the position of the other players on the Lakers? All right, you wake the fuck up, get out of the sun. Stop frying up your goddamn brain. Just use a little bit of common sense.

Listen, I know after the games when Kobe walks off with 10 seconds left during a loss because he had, he got his 37 points, you know, that afterwards when they asked the other Lakers in front of the camera and they go, oh, you know, how did you feel about that? And then they just go, well, you know, Kobe, he's, he's a competitor. You know, he's one of the best that I ever played the game and I mean, he wants to win. I mean, we all do and that didn't happen tonight, unfortunately. And all we know what to do is to just keep, I can fucking do it, just keep working hard. And did you have any sort of annoy you at all when you walked off court?

No, no, it didn't bother me. You know, every guy has a different personality. I mean, you can just fucking gracefully navigate that minefield and just say all that bullshit. I would fucking give a million dollars if I had it to listen to the other Lakers on the team, their cell phone conversations when they leave the Staple Center talking to their fucking bras, you know, going all Paul McCartney and John Lennon fucking sake of them. You know, they're coming out of there and they're fucking Range Rovers and they're fucking $100,000 Mercedes just driving out going, can you fucking believe that motherfuckers

want to get fucking, you know, I'm wide open. I'm wide open. Right here. Right here. Yo. Fucking guy takes a turnaround jumper with three guys hanging off on 10 feet behind the arc. I don't care that it went in.

I'm telling you right now, dude, what the fuck would you do? Okay. If you were at some 4-H club and you're supposed to build a tree for it, you know, and you're holding up the board and you're supposed to hammer in both sides, one conscious hammers in his side, then just fucking walks away and the whole thing collapses out of the tree and he just walks away and everybody else at camp is laughing at you during the loss and he's fucking already back eating a popsicle stick in the fucking log cabin. How would you feel?

What would you be saying? You know, I'll tell you if it was televised around the fucking world to all the 4-H's and your goal was to continue being in 4-H's, you do exactly what at the other fucking lake of people do. You just sit there going like, well, you know, he loves building tree forts and it's really in his heart and when things don't go well, he gets upset and, you know, all we know how to do is just to get out there tomorrow. Actually, your voice would be way higher.

Actually, all we know is to go out there tomorrow and try to build another tree fort. I love it. So the guy, he gets injured. All right? Now you can actually sit down and maybe watch the Lakers. You get, maybe get to watch Steve Nash do what the fuck he does, distribute the goddamn ball rather than pass it to Kobe and then sit there, you know, I don't know what. What do you do with that?

After you pass it to Kobe? I mean, you might as well just fucking sit down, you know, take a little catnap or whatever. I was actually looking forward to that shit and what happens? What is the cancer? What does this guy do? He starts tweeting during the game, criticizing the fucking coach. Laker fence. You can't read through the lines when his coach said he's a fan now.

That's what fans do. And then Kobe like laughs it off that right. Read between the lines. He's saying this guy's one of the biggest cunts I've ever had a coach in my life. Even when he's not on the court, he's still fucking up the chemistry of the team. All right? Did Bill Russell ever tweet during his Celtic career? All right.

You get the point. You know what I'm saying? I feel vindicated. How about those Celtics? How about those old ass Celtics? I was really nervous that they were going to get swept and I don't know. I gotta be honest with you, I didn't watch one second of the Celtic series. I can only pick one sport, you know?

So I've been watching the Bruins and I gotta tell you, man, I have never been so fucking frustrated with the team in my life. Jesus Christ, the first two periods we come out, we played great, played great. We always scored. Every fucking game I watched, we scored two fucking goals and we looked phenomenal until right towards the end of the second period or the third period, the whole thing just falls apart. I don't know what's going on.

I'm actually, I just think it's one of these years, one of these years where you can't, there's no way, I can't figure out what the problem is. Nobody can figure out what the problem is and unfortunately somebody's going to have to pay for it because when you don't get where you want to be, either the coach has to lose his job or somebody has to get fucking traded, I don't know, it's like watching the, I mean this is obviously not as bad, but a few years ago when the Red Sox, when the wheels fell off with them and rather than everybody just sitting down and being like, all right, we won two World Series.

We obviously know what the fuck we're doing. Okay. Let's try to figure this thing out. Everybody started pointing fingers and the whole fucking thing disintegrates and it was like watching Van Halen breakup. You know, David Lee Roth left Van Halen brothers go over this way, you know, and are they better for it? Did they ever make a better album than those first, what four or five?

They never did. They never did because they fucked with the chemistry. So anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast. I'm your wonderful host, Bill Burr, and I got a buddy of mine up and coming comedian, Danny LaBelle has a new comedy album that's coming out. This isn't a commercial. This is just a nice little promotion for a friend of mine. The name of the album is called Some Kind of Comedian April 30th, tomorrow, the album,

unless you listen to this years in the future, then it's already out. But if you're listening to it today, April 30th, tomorrow, Tuesday, 2013, April 30th, the album is out in stores and will be on iTunes, Amazon.com, et cetera. It's recorded in Scotland, which I think is cool. You know, gives it a nice different flavor at the Glasgow Comedy Festival. Danny LaBelle, it's called Some Kind of Comedian. Check it out if you want. What's great is if it's on iTunes, you can listen to some tracks if you like it.

You can download it if you don't. You don't have to. But either way, don't fucking start bitching at me. I like this guy and I think he's funny, okay? Go fuck yourselves. All right. Back to the podcast. What the hell am I, what the hell did I want to talk about?

After going on and on about that, you know, I've been reading this Daily Mail thing. You guys go on this website, wants to deal with Daily Mail. Can I already get rid of it? Oh, no, there it is. This is the most insane fucking website. They just got, they got, I love it. They got stories all around. They got one here.

This is a bad one. Boy two and 10 month old brother died after exhausted Australian mother left him in the shower and fell asleep for 10 hours. Jesus Christ. What the fuck was she on, huh? I was really tired and I slept for 10. You don't sleep for 10 hours unless you've been doing what blow for three days. I guess some people can sleep that long.

That's fucking. I mean, I know I shouldn't be laughing at this shit. That's a bad one. Then they got this other story. It says you've got a, you got a friend in me, Xena, the warrior puppy rescued as it was starving to death, now changing the life of an autistic boy. And you got to see this picture of this dog. When they found it starving, it looks like a fossil with fur on it.

It already looks like it's dead. Somehow this thing comes back to life and is now helping this kid that has autism. All right. So there's one for your cat people. You ever found an emaciated fossil looking fucking cat? All right. You nursed it back to health, giving it milk and whatever and a little box for it to shit in the house and give you that look like, yeah, you deal with it like cats always do.

All right. Do you think at the end of that journey that it would then fucking help out some autistic kid? You think a cat, cat doesn't have a fucking ability to do that. You know, they don't because they're a bunch of cunts. So there you go. The two debates have ended today. Those are better people than cats and the Celtics have more heart than the Lakers.

That's just it. Okay. And I'm also going to, I'm also going to fucking check off. Kobe is not the fucking MVP. All right. Kobe is if you're in fantasy football, fantasy basketball, that's the fucking guy you want your goddamn team. He's not even in the game and he's still affecting.

He's got to sit there and tweet and criticize his own goddamn coach. Oh my God. That guy earns the K, you know, in cunt, um, all right, onto some other shit here. And I know it's been a lot. Oh, it's been pretty much nothing, nothing but sports talk this week. This one actually transcends sports to show that everybody in sports is not a fucking meathead NBA star Jason Collins comes out as gay, making him the first openly homosexual athlete on a major American sports team.

Now other people have come out, but always after their careers and, uh, I think it's fucking great. I've said for years, I wanted it to be a football player who was the most fucking like, like a Ray Lewis level guy. I always thought that that would be fucking hilarious. Because not all because it's just an extra level of way to talk shit to fans of the other team, you know, which I guess is probably homophobic to be like, even a gay guys kicking the shit out of you, you know, like there's not some tough gay dudes out there.

So look at this. I'm learning things too. Here it is. NBA star Jason Collins came out as gay today in a revealing interview, but how many people are going to lose their jobs trying to write a Twitter joke about this one? Or their endorsement with some fucking insurance company, uh, making him the first professional athlete in American sports to come out as gay. Ah, what?

Somebody else's? Is a soccer player come out? Oh, Jesus. That's an easy joke right there. I'm not going to step in that fucking minefield. I'm not going to do it. I'm going to be mature throughout this entire story. 34 year old basketball player opened up an interview with Sports Illustrated amid much

speculation about rumors that the major athlete would be coming out of the closet. The initial reports came from the national football league as a number of straight players said that they would support a teammate. Should they reveal they were gay? Yeah, why wouldn't you? I got to tell you, the showers got to be a little weird then, you know, it's just, is this fucking dumb? Should they have their own showers then?

Or at least play pay a cover if they're going to go into the show. Should they have to, I'm going to open this debate with my own moron. Should they have to pay a cover charge when they go into the shower with everybody else with all the other dudes on the team, you know? I mean, what the fuck? What if I was playing in WNBA? They wouldn't let me go in the shower. He's going to walk in there with a stinger, right?

They would all be flipping out. It's a fucking very ignorant yet interesting point, you know? Everybody on your team is in shape. They're all got their abs and their pecs going. You can't tell me that's not a fucking enjoyable experience. That would like be like me if I got to walk in and shower with all these Victoria's Secret models and they'll be like, eww, can I hear you creep? What?

I'm just like you. I also like wearing high heels shoes with feathers, right? I don't know. Either way, I'm fucking around. I think it's great. It's about goddamn time. And I think it's fucking hilarious because there's so many morons that are sports fans that I wish that I was in a sports bar when this came out and just watching fucking guys

eyebrows and fucking getting all twisted up. What? It's sports. You're not supposed to be gay. I think it's great. Good for him. Good on him. Who's he playing for right now?

I never... Oh, the Washington Wizards. Come out as gay. Oh my God. Did they make the playoffs or not? I have no idea. I have no idea. But I can guarantee you.

Somebody, somebody's going to lose their job trying to make a joke or somebody's going to, oh Jesus, you know, all those Bible belt people, if he ever plays a game down in like fucking, if he plays the Grizzly, they're going to be standing outside the team, boss. You are going to hell. That's when you know you're a moron. When you fucking... You make one syllable words, two syllable. You're going to hell.

He's in bayon. What's the one, and they always do the one about the chick. I can't fucking remember. My brain's fried. People, I've been on the road this entire month, actually this entire fucking year. I figured it out and I can't even remember the numbers. We're like something like 17 or 18 weeks into this year and I've been to like 20 cities. All right.

I really don't know what's going on in the world. This is how fucking out of the loop I am. I knew that there was an explosion in Texas and it took me two, three days before I read something that let me know whether it was an accident or another fucking Timothy McVeigh psycho. All right. So I do the, what did I do? I did Dallas.

I'll take you through my week. What was it? Wednesday? The fuck is today? I don't even know. So Wednesday or Thursday, I went to Las Vegas and I did a private show, you got a private show in Vegas and I didn't even ask who the fuck it was for. I was like, oh, I'm making some money.

Yeah, I'll go to Vegas. I'll walk around. I'll take a fucking steam. It's one of my, the only time I ever take a steam is when I go to Las Vegas because every fucking casino has one. And it's the greatest fucking experience of your life. You know, you walk in, first of all, everybody in there is always like 80 years old. For some reason, old guys love taking a steam.

The only time you have a fucking go in there, right? So I always go in there and you got to go in there also with like an extra towel because as you're sweating the impurities out, all the impurities are sitting on your skin and if you don't fucking wipe towel off, you just absorb them back in or a lot of them, the ones that don't drip off of you or whatever. So you fucking go in there. You have a great goddamn time. You and some other like fucking guy looks like Mr. Hooper from fucking Sesame Street.

You know, and you come out, you fucking pours open, you fucking shave. You're not going to have to shave for like another three days unless you're one of those hairy apes. And then you go upstairs, you take a fucking nap, you sleep like a goddamn baby, right? Unfortunately, I came in too late, so I wasn't able to do all this. So anyways, typical me like an asshole. I'm one of those. Some comedians are really organized and then you have other comedians like myself where

as I'm going to the airport and either Nia or the taxi guys go on what airline I'm looking it up in my phone. So I get there and I go, who am I doing this, this, uh, this private show for? And they said, Oh, it's, uh, it's a poker tournament with a bunch of oil men. There's like 10 billionaires, the rest are millionaires and there's a couple of bankers there, right? So here I am now feeling like fucking Beyonce, you know, when she performed for those dictators after all my time talking about, uh, you know, blood money and all that shit.

Here I am going out there. I should have put on a little glitter dress and dance like a fucking whore and I go out to go do this benefit, right? Cause I just said yes, cause I saw the money. So right now all my credibility, you know, beyond me being a moron is out the window at this point because I still did the gig, right? So I go down and I do the gig and, uh, I got the funniest, the weirdest fucking applause break.

I actually had a great time and I enjoyed afterwards. I was shooting the shit with a couple and they were fucking hilarious, like just their whole perspective being in Hollywood that is so goddamn liberal to then perform for these oil men. And you know, they're talking about, you know, I was making fun of them talking about fracking and like what the fuck it works. I don't give a shit, you know, poisons the water supply, I ain't drinking it. And they're all laughing.

And I made some sort of reference to a bird covered in oil and then I just started doing this redneck character going, well, what the fuck, you know how to fly, get out of the oil, you dumb motherfucker. Dude, applause break. I thought they were going to get mad. I was kind of breaking their balls. They thought it was fucking hilarious. And this doesn't make them any worse than anybody else.

They just like everybody I meet on the road, they are 100% immersed in the deal that makes them still be able to put fruit loops on the table. So anything positive about it, they fucking love. And that's what I've found. That's what I've learned through traveling is that people love their own deal and they think that their deal is the only deal and it's the only way to go and anybody who's against it is a fucking cunt. And that includes the most liberal fucking people on the planet.

You know, if you listen to liberals talking about police officers and that type of shit, like they, they do like reverse Fox news, you know. So, so I did that gig and had a fucking great time. And then I flew to Dallas the next day, did a, did a YouTube video, made one of those tours of the city, had a great time there. Fucking show was amazing. Crowds were unbelievable. It's a combination of crowds being unbelievable and I've done so many shows.

So I'm really on my fucking game. You know, I'm not like going up there, shaking the rest off, trying to figure out what comes next. I've just been on my fucking game. And so, okay, well, I remember us talking about trying to get to like how out of the loop I am. So I'm driving down, it's me, Verzi, and Tom Lewis, the guy who films all of my tours of cities.

We're driving down to Austin, Texas, going down the 35 East, man down, loaded up in the truck and Tom, Tom's like this fucking, like he just researches everything. So we're on our way down. He goes, he's like, there's this insane bakery because me and dumb Paul Verzi, we were just going to go to an I hop, you know, get pigs in a blanket or just, you know, whipped cream on just dumb shit. You could get 10 feet from your own house, you know. So he goes, no, he goes, if you guys can just hang in there another 10 minutes away.

This is place called the, the check shop, like Czechoslovakia and they have these fucking insane breakfast foods and all this type of shit. Right. So we go down there and I walk in there, okay. And I can instantly tell it's not a chain or maybe there's a couple of, I don't know. Maybe there's a chain. I have no fucking idea. I go in there.

All I know is I see a bunch of locals sitting there standing in line, lines out the fucking door basically. I'm like, all right, this is going to be some good shit and they make all like these little like breakfast sandwiches. I'm trying to find this thing here and this is what I ordered. I ordered a hot chubby with cheese and I have not been able to say that without laughing. I snickered when I ordered it. It was a spicy sausage and like this, this honey bun with like cheese in there and little

Czech's bakery. And this is what this one, it's right in Waco or water, Texas. I'm a fucking moron. I'm sitting there and I'm watching all these people walking in there like three, four, five people dressed all in black, red ribbons and I'm going and I'm sitting there eating with Verzi, right? A couple of morons sitting there. I go, these people either just came from a wedding or a funeral.

I'm guessing it's a funeral. Look at that. Look at misery on that face. And then Tom gets in the car and he tells us that we're literally like an eighth of a mile from where the fucking place exploded. I've never felt so fucking dumb in my life. Like this is like one of the biggest stories in the country. I'm sitting here an eighth of a mile from it.

People are coming from funerals for loved ones and I'm eating a fucking spicy chubby with cheese. I don't know, do I go for a wedding or a funeral? That guy looks kind of sad. My face actually turned red from embarrassment, embarrassment of my own fucking stupidity. It's fucking horrific. There's no really, there's nothing even funny about that story. What I'm basically asking you guys is why do you tune in every week?

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At least it was while you had to listen to my reading. So I guess, you know, I'll go fuck yourself. Let me close this out here. Yes, I don't want to save that. Hey, when you download stuff like this, does it slow down your computer after a while? Should I be like erasing these reads every week? All right, let's get to some questions for this week, everybody. Dear Bill, really enjoy your humor in the podcast.

Well, thank you very much. It's very kind of you, but please stop telling people to pay off their homes and to not refinance when the bank calls with a new loan vehicle that saves the money and is a no-brainer. I am a real estate appraiser. Oh, what the course you are, you cunt. You're in the business. If these people stop refinancing, I'll be out of a job. Oh, I get it now.

I just turned 50 and have no other skills. So unless I can open for you on the road, what do you say we take it easy on this fragile economy and keep a lid on the unemployment? Thanks. So to save your job, you want me to look the other way and tell all these people to fucking refinance. And even though there's six, seven years into their mortgage, you want me to start them right back at the beginning at payment number one for 30 years.

You know, at least there with all that front-ended loaded interest started all over again. You know, you're kind of blaming the victims here. I don't understand how we all ended up under the thumb of these bankers. I could see if they initially started off with mixed martial art training, and then after they won the championship, they then got into banking. Then I could see why everyone would be so afraid of bankers. But the fact that they're just a bunch of pencil-pushing jack, when's the last time you saw a tough banker?

And I'm not saying they're not out there because I know I'll get e-mails. Dude, you see this guy down at the local branch. This kid could have gone pro at left fucking tackle, but he blew out his knee. Are you actually trying to tell me that it doesn't save them money? That's the illusion of it. It lowers your mortgage payment for the month, but it prolongs your interest. And in the long haul, you end up paying way more money. And you're asking me to co-sign off on like years more of indentured servitude to these

banker cunts. I can't do that. I have ethics. I do private shows for oil men and bankers. Listen, sir, if you can tell me, if you can write me back, we'll make this a two-potter. If you can write me back and tell me how that's saving them money. And don't do that. Well, they were paying two grand a month for their mortgage, and now their minimum payment

is $1,700, so it's $300 off. I want you to do the math, go through the 30 years of it, and their interest and all that. Okay? You're not going to be able to write me back and say that they're saving money. They're not. It's a fuck over. And it's a very easy fuck over to read that when the bank reaches out to you and says,

hey, you want to save money, hey, listen, we were sitting here trying to figure out how we could make less money off of you. It's a fuck over. All right? I've already done my filthy deed this week. Tap dancing for a bunch of fucking oil men. You know? Who the fuck am I kidding?

What am I supposed to do? You know, do have I come up with some sort of alternative fucking source to help your car going? I don't know. Whatever, sir. I'm one of the biggest hypocrites you're ever going to find. I know your deal. You want people to refinance so they can what continue making their, their payments?

Listen, whether I tell them to do that or not, like none of the laws got changed and the banks got these houses back to do it all over again. I told you that story a few weeks ago, but the guy who sold me my house, he goes, dude, you bought at the perfect time. You can get like another 50 grand for your house if you sold it today. He goes, the market's exploding and he goes, I've never seen anything like this. It's like, what are you talking about? You've been selling houses for 10 years.

You lived through the fucking biggest bubble ever. And I, you know, oh yeah, you think so? He doesn't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. So don't fucking come at me with your hat in your hand and talk about this fragile economy when you know what you're doing out there, all right, with your fucking three card money. Jesus, that got a little fucking, got a little, a little chippy, all right, hair loss or sex loss.

I'm sure you've heard of propitia. Heard of it. I used it. I used it. And when I ran out of it, I just had that honest moment with myself and I was just like, there's no way there's not going to be a side effect. Okay. There's always this, there's no way.

There's just no way. There's no way this thing, okay, I'll save my hair, but damage my liver. You know, what do I need more? You know, a full head of hair or a functioning fucking liver. You just, you know, you just got to bite the bullet and turn and just turn old. Just age gracefully, you know, I try to keep my hair short. I try to offend as little people as I go through the slow process of seeing what my skull actually looks like.

He goes, I have a lot of friends on it that say it sort of works, definitely slows down hair loss by doing something. However, apparently the drawbacks is no boner. Oh, is that, I don't know. I don't know either way on that one. That's, that's some bar room stuff. I think that it, that can, that can happen to some people. I have no fucking idea.

He said, so do you choose hair to get sex or choose no hair, which might mean no sex? Is this some sort of sick joke by the pharmaceutical companies? No, you're fighting nature. Listen, dude, I'll tell you right now, all right. There's women out there that think a shaved head is sexy. Not all of them, but there's enough. All right. There's enough out there that you can keep going out banging women.

You know, some women find a shaved head fucking they, they like it, turns them on. So listen, this is the great thing about women is they can see beyond what you look like. Okay. If you come in there and you got a little swagger and you're funny and you're fucking, you know, shaved head shows confidence, dude. You're like, fuck it, preemptive strike. You guys are walking out on me. Well, you know what?

I'm kicking you out the door and you take out your clippers. You know, I buzzed my head down a few years ago. I fucking loved it. Man, I took all the jokes. Oh, when you're a cancer patient, if I can make a wish, but, but, but, but Peter's out after a couple of weeks. You know, I don't know. I go back and forth.

I go back and forth. I mean, I go literally from doing, maybe I'll do the fucking hair transplant to all the way back to all fucking shape my head again. I have no idea, but I got to be honest with you, dude. It doesn't, the vibe you're bringing is going to be way more. Listen, do you really want to get with some girl who's with you because you have a fucking a nice big cowlick on top of your fucking head? And if you didn't have it, then she wouldn't be with you.

You know, going bald is like driving a piece of shit car. It really keeps the whores away from you. All these fucking idiots with full heads of hair driving around flashy cars. You see what happens to them? What happened to Mel Gibson? He should have just gone bald, but he didn't. He kept fighting it, doing shit up there, drove around in a flashy car. I had to give up my fucking lacquer tickets.

You know, flipping out, flipping out. You know what dude? Yeah, don't take those fucking drugs. Those drugs are brand new and the side effects that they're talking about. I'm telling you, it's just the shit that they're letting on to cover their asses that they said that there was some side effects. Okay, from what I've overheard bars, the people on the FDA, half of them used to work for these pharmaceutical fucking companies.

So they got the nuts running the fucking nut house. All right, and you're just going to be, you're going to be a little lab rat if you start taking that shit. All right, so I would suggest not doing it. Let nature take its fucking course and do what I'm doing. Wait for the cure. And I guarantee you it ain't going to come. So just fucking man up and go bald, you fucking pussy.

Okay, do what I'm doing. Just slowly let it happen. You're from now. I'm going to have fucking hair plugs and I'm going to be performing for dictators for New Year's Eve, give New Year's Eve, be best friends with Beyonce. I didn't see my itinerary either. I didn't know who it was. I literally used the same excuse for performing for oil men.

Anyways, loner. Hey there, red haired reindeer. Love everything you do and listen to you as you as you has changed my life. Jesus. All right, now this one isn't going to be on me. Love everything you do and listening to you as oh has changed my life. Sorry, that is on me. However, although I am more comfortable being myself now than I was before I

listened to you, I've got a dilemma. I don't know why, but I don't leave a lasting impression on people. God, dude, that's one of the saddest things ever. You just said you're forgettable. Hey, you know what you should do? You should turn to a life of crime. You know, don't hurt anybody. Just go in with an unloaded gun and start robbing convenience stores.

Right? Get the money you take off and then fucking when the cops come. Can you give us a description? Yeah, you know, that's the funny thing about him. You know, he just, I don't know if it's because I was so scared or the fact that he just was just so forgettable. Okay, I know he had an arm because he was in a hand because he was holding. Anyways, I go to a community college and for some unknown reason,

my personality doesn't attract anyone. I lost all my friends from high school. They all moved on with their lives and the people in my college don't notice me. I'm very eccentric. Jesus Christ, dude, you sound like you should be on some list here, man. Please tell me that you're not going to fucking start reading about chemicals. All right, he goes at work. Everyone loves my crazy-ass personality, my spontaneity, but

these two-faced cunts are such liars. They always say, oh, we should hang out, but every Monday, I always hear about their stories of them going out without me. I've tried to make plans, but they easily flake. Please, Bill, your podcast keeps me sane and you can only make sense of this. Um, PS, you know, that polite fake personality everyone has when they first meet someone, whatever girl has that personality only around you and no one else. Is she uncomfortable with you or likes you?

Oh, Jesus, dude, Jesus. Um, all right. Well, fuck. Oh, how do I fucking cut out? Why do you why? How do I re-enter this fucking atmosphere without burning up? Um, listen, this is what you got to do. Okay, you can't give a fuck whether people hang out with you or not.

All right. I, if I, if I had a guess, I'd say maybe you're trying too hard. You know, take a deep breath, just fucking relax, come in on Monday, say, what's up to people and go about your business. That's what I would do. All right. And stop trying to hang out with them. You know, take this new fucking relaxed approach, go into a bar and just be chill.

Don't have a crazy ass personality and be spontaneous because I think I'm reading into that. You're trying too hard and you're freaking people out. Just fucking chill. All right. Just fucking chill out and relax. If that girl has a fake personality around you, that does not mean she likes you. I think you're freaking people out a little bit.

I'm not trying to criticize you here. I think you're just trying too hard because the fact that your friends from high school took off from you, you might be, you might be a little self-conscious. So now you're questioning who you are and you're trying to fucking ramp up to this energy level that you're not normally at. So it's, it's weird and people out. So I would just fucking chill. You know, but, but please do not fucking go to work and do something crazy because

there's a lot of that shit in there that made me fucking worried about you. All right. Just fucking, let me tell you, just like I said to that dude going bald, just fucking go bald, you know, somebody makes a joke about it. You laugh. Yeah, it's fucking awful. God bless you when you're full out of air and then fucking make fun of this shirt. There you go.

Um, I hope that helped out, sir. All right, all right, Viking twins and oh Jesus, Viking twins and Jesus bill. I know you're tired of relationship advice, but this may, but maybe this will be different. Um, here's the deal. I'm having goddamn twins in September. Well, congratulations. I've been married for nearly six years now. I love my wife and I'm definitely stoked on having children with her.

However, while she is a Christian, I am not and I am a little concerned. And then when he, what is he right? All fucking greedy, all fucking ready. He wrote that. He wrote that all is one word. Everybody, if you think I'm dumb and he wrote, he wrote all his AL no spaces. Okay, stop rolling your eyes, feeling that you're smarter than me. Um, he says I'm a little concerned about what our kids are going to learn if we

decide to go to church and whatnot. I'm just not sure that I want my children to learn about hell and sin and all that other bullshit. Um, that's just not a story for fucking kids. You know, like you bet you better be good or when you fucking die, you're going to burn for goddamn eternity. I want my kids to be happy. I don't want them expecting a bitch slap from some imaginary figure if they

tell a fucking lie or something. Kids should be innocent and full of wonder and gay and all that shit. You know, that's so funny. I'll guys can't just write happy stuff. You got to somehow tap out, you know, they should be happy. They should go sledding and all that shit. You fucking cunt. You know, we always got to do that.

Anyhow, I'm not exactly sure what Nia believes, but you guys, but if you guys had kid, would this be an issue for you too? No, neither one of us goes to church. Um, another, so we're going to go to hail. Um, another problem is that either way sucks. If they believe in hell, they'll live in fear. If the little shit heads believe what I believe, they'll think they're just going to goddamn rot in the fucking ground and disappear when they die.

So they'll be bitter, cynical and fucking miserable, just like their father. Now I disagree with that because I think you just go into the ground. That's what I think, but that's not why I'm bitter and cynical. I'm bitter and cynical because of like that fucking email that I got from that 50 year old real estate guy who wants me to side with the banker cunts and no one will pick up an axe and go into these gated communities and get these pencil pushing pussies, you know, and every fucking week we work and we got to take our fucking check and take it down to the goddamn bank and give it to them.

You know, acting like this is a safer place to have than stuffing it in your mattress, you know, you might as well stuff it in a mattress. You're never going to walk in and your mattress is going to have a lock on it and be like, yeah, fucking that's closed. Go fuck yourself. And I know what other people are saying. Well, you know, what if somebody breaks into your house? Does anybody look under the mattress at this point?

It's such a cliched place to put a couple hundred bucks. You know, out of fucking no, you can't with that's why I'm cynical. That's why I'm cynical. Okay, because, you know, I'll talk to hockey fans. Okay. And they'll have the biggest dirtbag piece of shit and tend to injure guy on their team, but because he plays for them, they don't give a fuck. And they'll put them in their ring of honor.

And then if somebody does something to their team, then they're flipping out going, that guy should be out of the league. That's why I get bitter and cynical is because it's depressing. It's depressing that, that the amount of people that just look out their own heads and, you know, if it's good for me, then it's fucking good. And I don't give a shit. And they, you know, they lack empathy. That's why, but not because you're going in the fucking ground.

So I wouldn't equate it to that. Anyways, my solution thus far is just to go north. You know, no, I don't die in fucking battle. Die in fucking battle, sons. And you'll get to be members of the inner heart jar. I don't know. This is some Lord of the Rings shit. Fight and die every day only to be resurrected at night to feast with Odin

and Valhalla. I don't know what any of this is something when you and your fellow ghost warriors fight the fucking wolf and for Fenrir until the end of time. That's a badass speech. If I knew how to fucking pronounce it, that's one of those things where you're walking around with that thing on your arm for a falcon to land on. When you go to shake hands, you grab the other guy's forearm. Um, he goes, I think that's the way to go.

I have absolutely no idea how to really relay these concerns to my wife without offending her. Yeah, I mean, considering you're right in me, I get it. But I think I care enough about my kids to make this an issue. My kids are going to be complete, completely mediocre. And never accomplish anything. Then there's no need to heat. Oh, what?

My kids are going to be completely mediocre and never accomplish anything. There's no need to heap hell on that pile. What do you think? All right. Well, I was with you until you said your kids are going to be mediocre. You can't say that to him. You got to give him that head start. You got to build them up and see an eye and I got to talk to you about two things.

Um, I mean, I don't know, you're really far down the fucking road six years in and now you're having kids to finally bring up the religious issue. This is really something that should have been discussed before you got married, but I get it. You fell in love with this person. You can't pick who you fall in love with as they say. Um, I, I would just sit down and tell her what you told me. And then when she was like, Oh, why did you bring this up six years ago?

Use the line I just said, just say, cause I love you. I saw you and I, I, there's nothing I could do. I fell in love with you. I think you're great. And you know, now I just want to discuss this with you and I'd like to do it without you crying and making me feel like a bully because I, I, you know, these are half my kids too. So what if once a week, every, every other week you scare the shit out of them and every other week we go into the backyard and I dig a hole and go, that's where you

end up. You can sort of balance it out. Um, yeah, dude, I don't know. I don't know how to do it other than you just have to sit down and talk to her and just say, listen, I don't mind spirituality. I don't mind, you know, believing in a higher power and everything, but I really think it's a lot to heap on the whole heaven and health thing. And, uh, I think when they're young enough, when they go to church, they're just going

to be bored and not know what people are talking about. And I think it'd be a great thing for their self-esteem. If you and I didn't drive away and try to communicate all that hell shit to them. All right. Maybe she can still take them to church, but just keep reinforcing that this thing loves them. All right. That is a fucked up thing to just bring that into their lives.

You're going to burn forever. Have fun playing frisbee. Um, all right. Pro flowers, everybody. Mother's day is coming up. Huh? Who's better than your mom? No one.

All right. Did you give your mom a hard time growing up? Of course you did. Of course you did. Were you like me? Did you get into a fight with your brother? You went after he slapped you in the back of the head and you grabbed the garden hose and you tried to spray at him through the fucking screen of the kitchen and you flooded

the kitchen. All right. And your mother came out with a wooden spoon and beat it over your head until it snapped in half. Did you do that? Of course you did. Isn't it time? Did you take out the car and wrap it around a pole?

Then they got sued by the family that fucking makes the telephone poles? Of course you did. Don't you think it's time? Something that may be, uh, are they giving me like suggestions here? I know to make it funny. Look at these suggestions. Talk about how you're making up for it by sending her pro, I'm not going to talk about stuff that's not going on in my life.

I'm going to talk about the fact that I love my mom and I love my girlfriend. So I'm going to get them flowers. Is there an easier way to do it than proflowers.com? Absolutely not. Pro flowers has one dozen rainbow roses for $19.99 or you can double the roses and get chocolates plus a premium pink vase for just $29.98. That's 50% off. You just need my code burp.

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Even though you've gotten older and you're married, you're still remembering dear old mom. Profiles are guaranteed to last a full week or your money back. You know, see if you get a sweater, she wears it one day, she puts it in the drawer. You get the flowers with that beautiful vase. She's going to see them all week. All right. So here's the deal. The only way to get this amazing mother's day deal is to go to proflowers.com,

click on the microphone in the top right hand corner and type in Burr. That's proflowers.com. Click on the microphone and type in Burr. Order now. This special pricing expires soon. Yeah. Do it right now. Just get it out of the way.

And then the pressure of mother's day, you know, you're not going to have to worry about running out, going to CVS, trying to pick out the last fucking three cards that are left. You don't want to do that. All right. So there you go. All right. Last read here, everybody. They already do this one.

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I mean, we have to go to, I guess you go into the bathroom. You got to go to evoise.com and use the promo code bill. Evoise even takes all your voicemails, transcribes them, and sends them to you instantly as a text or an email. So you can check your voicemails before the meeting ends and not look rude. Evoise is only 10 bucks a month. For a long time, my listeners have been able to get free tiles, free trial of Evoise for six months, but that's about to come to an end.

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Okay, back to the podcast. And what better way to go back to the podcast by reading this lovely email, this lovely email right here called Getting Cockblocked by Jesus. Oh, geez. That would be hard. Became walking in performing miracles, full head of hair, Chris Christopherson beard, you know, just got that robe, all the checks. Oh my God, do you have anything underneath it?

Hey, Bill, love the podcast. I really like to hear your thoughts on this experience. I'm going through with a lady. All right, at the end of last summer, I met a girl and we hit it off immediately. She's one of those girls. Oh, wait, I forgot to add. I forgot to mention that I'm going to do a Nia log this week, a Nia log. And a lot of people are asking why is she not doing her podcast?

And it's because our house is gutted right now and she's being an absolute trooper. And she's handling most of the bullshit as I'm out on the road. Okay, but she's going to come on and do a Nia log this week. And one of the topics is going to be the first openly gay athlete. All right, I'm going to, I'm actually going to ask her that question about the shower. Shower love every now and then I get a little bit something and a something and a something. At the end of last summer, back to this guy, Cockblocked by Jesus. I met a girl and we hit it off immediately.

She's one of those girls who's not only gorgeous and sexy, but she's really cool too. Oh, top shelf. We've got a lot in common and I'm totally into her. I've seen her regularly since then and she stayed with me a few nights. We've had absolute, we've had absolutely mind blowing sex during those nights. Oh, Jesus, dude, you're going to fall hard for this one. I'm already in love with her. I don't even know her.

But most importantly, we have fun together and we connect on a personal level. So I decided to take it to the next level and see if she'd be into dating on a wreck on the regular since we've been hitting it off so well. That's when it gets interesting. She says she is a Christian. I, on the other hand, am definitely not a Christian. Although I've studied religious writings for many years. I don't consider myself to be a religious person, but since I'm not a Christian, she's really reluctant to date. But she'll fuck your brains out.

Dude, I don't know, man. I think you might just have to enjoy this one. You know, it's like renting a car you can't afford. Go out and take it on the highway, man. Have a good time with it and bring it back by Thursday. But whatever, I'll keep reading here. The Bible says Christians should only date other Christians. The Bible says a lot of things that don't make sense in society now.

My mother is a Catholic and my father is as non-religious as I am, but they've been happily married for almost 30 years. It irritates the hell out of me that since I don't love Jesus, that she thinks I'm an unsuitable partner. I don't need to love Jesus to know how to be a good gentleman. I treat it with respect, and I'm a good partner and a friend. What do you think, Bill? Literally, everything else about this girl and how we get along is stellar.

It's a fucking shame to let that go. Thanks, Bill, and go fuck yourself. Well, here's the deal. I would present your argument, and if she still has a fucking problem with it and she just won't do it, then you know what you got to do? You got to walk away until your heart gets crushed by this girl. Or even worse, you talk her into something by just wearing her down into something she doesn't want to do,

and then you're six years into your fucking marriage, having twins like that other poor bastard, and you have to have that other problem, that big fucking conversation. She's getting older, so she's going to have a couple of kids. She's not going to be rocking your fucking world. You know what I mean? You got a beer belly, so all the looks and all the hot sex is out the window, and now you're just fucking with this person.

All right? That you don't line up with religiously. So that is a big one. That is a big one, so that's what I would do. I would sit down and I would present my argument to her. And just lay it out there. Just say, listen, I really like you beyond a physical thing. I like you, you know?

And I'd bring up the thing you said about your parents, and they still get along, and then just say, but look, I don't want to get emotionally involved with you if you can't look past the fact that I don't believe in the bearded baby. That's how I'd leave it. And then you know what? If she has a fucking problem with that, then you walk. You walk, all right?

Or what you do is just hook up with her once every fucking 10 days. 10 to 15 days, you hook up with her, you fuck her brains out, you have a great time, and then, you know, you walk away. You know? So you don't get drawn in. Like, I don't know. Being with somebody else, it's like the more you see them, it's like fucking eating Doritos.

You know, if you just take a few and you put them on a plate, and then you leave the bag in the cupboard and you're watching a game, you know, you're not going to get up and go grab the bag, all right? But if you fucking got the bag there, you're going to consume the whole goddamn thing. And that's what the fuck you're going to do with this girl if you keep hanging out with her, all right? You're going to consume the whole fucking thing. You're going to be totally invested with your heart,

and then she's going to walk away because you don't want to get fucking dirty fire ash put on your forehead every fucking February. Then you're going to be crying in the fetal position, and you have to spend fucking goddamn year or two of your life trying to cry this bitch out of your heart. You know what I mean? Sit down and have this conversation with her. There you go. All right.

Netflix documentaries. Hey Bill, just listen to a recent podcast. In the podcast, you mentioned that you like documentaries. I love them. I absolutely love them. Documentaries are like reading for stupid people, you know? You get this like watching a book. Unless you watch those Michael Moore ones are that one that that guy made about Nirvana.

You know what I mean? Like Michael Morris should be like considered like video like op-ed pieces. You know, it's easy to tell. I hate to single that guy out, but that guy I think is one of the biggest offenders in the history who's just like already has his mind made up and is editing around the opinion that he already has. And he's just, you know, taking you by the hand and leading you down to this absolutely fucking so ridiculous to one side. That guy to me is as ridiculous as fucking Bill O'Reilly. You know, I'd actually say he's more ridiculous than Bill O'Reilly.

You know what I mean? Anyways, I don't like talking politics. Here we go. Now, I know you say you don't like football, soccer, but I know you love this, but I know you love this. It's called the four year plan and it's about a team called Queens Park Rangers. They had just been taken over by a team of billionaires, including big names in Formula One. I love, by the way, I love Formula One racing. I never watch it.

I always miss it. I always somehow the season's weird. It starts in like February or some shit. I don't know. I always miss it. But Formula One racing is like if you're ever going to meet James Bond, it's going to be at a Formula One, Formula One race. Like you're just talking the richest people on the planet, the greatest bone structures of any people you're ever going to see. Nothing but full heads of jet black hair and some of the hottest ass you're ever going to see in your life are at these things.

It's insane. And then what I love about it, the sport is the level of intelligence to get that car to just go just a little bit faster. And then it also makes sense that there's right and left turns, you know, and they race in the rain. It's the real fucking deal. I'm a huge fan of it. By all means, somebody let me know when the next Formula One races. It's not like I can't go on the Internet and find out. Was it the fuel channel?

I know somebody shows them. I always wanted to get that in just one year. Just follow it for the whole fucking year. You know, the Ferrari team and all those fucking Mercedes and all those great car manufacturers. Anyways, here we go. Somehow someone persuaded these Formula One people to allow a TV crew to record everything, which is basically them owning this this soccer club. In a nutshell, it turns out to show exactly how not to run a club. Spoiler alert.

Here we go. This documentary may change how you see football. By the way, I'm from Birmingham, England, England, and I support Aston Villa. My apologies because I know I probably said that wrong. I really don't know why I've told you this, but please watch it. It's fantastic. No, absolutely. I would love to watch that.

I'd watch one on World Cup soccer. I like World Cup soccer that the whole world is watching and it really is a world championship when you win it. You know, those fucking horns that they were blowing that really blew it for me last time. I remember trying to watch it. I was in Vegas with Tom Papa and he had this show at the Orleans and was me and him doing this comedy show. That was such a fucking great weekend. So I brought the lovely Nia with me and we both went up to his suite and we were watching. I was actually psyched that I found another American that was into the soccer and we were sitting there watching it and that stupid fucking horns being blown the entire time.

It just became this running joke is he's Tom started imitating and just kept going. I came up with some sort of Jerry Lewis kind of fucking noise and we would just be trying to focus on the game in every three minutes. One of us would do our impression of those horns and somehow it stayed funny for the entire fucking match and but that really that really hurt the World Cup like those. Those horns should be banned. So anyways, whatever, whatever. I'm saying I'm going to watch that one. Did you say what it was called? Yeah, you did.

It's called the four year plan. I'm definitely going to watch that. All right. Hey, Billy boy, just wanted to give you a couple of good documentaries to watch on Netflix. Oh, look at me. I think I hit it. I hit a nerve. I hit an artery.

People are enjoying. Just wanted to give you a couple of good documentaries to watch on Netflix. I am the first one. The imposter is a really good one. Also, the wild and wonderful whites of West Virginia is absolutely hilarious. You know, I started to watch that one and it's really fascinating, but there's something about watching people who are poor at a certain point. Poor and uneducated. I have to shut it off because it feels like, I don't know, it's like watching that that here comes honey boo boo.

I started to watch an episode of it. And you know, I was kind of laughing along and everything, but when they went to this, that auction. And they were, they were basically auctioning off food that grocery stores couldn't legally sell. You know, it was kind of past the expiration date or and then they were bidding on like old cookies and shit. Now there's no way they couldn't have been meat because you could kill somebody. So I know that maybe it was something about it was food that the grocery stores couldn't sell. And these people are so broke that they were buying, they were bidding on weak old cookies and then like high fiving and excited when they won the auction. Like they just bought a fucking Shelby or something.

I have to shut it off. So but it is fascinating. What the other one is he said one more is called unguarded the story of Chris Heron Heron. I don't know how to say it. He was a badass high school basketball player out of Boston who threw his career away on drugs. That's another rough one to watch. I like watching the ones where people they win in the end, you know, but I'll watch that when he says love the podcast and you stand up. Go fuck yourself.

All right. That is the podcast for this week, everybody. I hope you enjoyed it. And I have to tell you, man, this was one of the most amazing months in my stand up career. All these beautiful venues that I got to perform in. It's really a blessing to be able to do stand up at a theater. And I wanted to thank everybody that is that has come out to my shows this month. And I really learned something this month about all these so called B and C level cities like they're the shit.

And you know, people are so fucking appreciative when you come out to them. You know, I'm not talking like Dallas and Austin and that type of thing. I'm talking about when you go to like Tallahassee, you know, it's so ridiculous. I guess last week I kept calling a Columbia, both Charleston, South Carolina that I went to. I mean, that's an A level city. They had like fucking houses with nine million dollars right on the water. But like just people don't go to them. We actually, I know that I mentioned that I was going to do a tour of Canada and we were going to do it in the summertime.

And we realized how stupid that was that, you know, you know, I've done a lot of stuff for the NHL going on their radio show and everything. We really need to promote this thing because I haven't toured Canada and I don't want to be in front of 40 people every show. So we took that tour, we moved it to January of 2014 during hockey season where I can actually promote the thing. So I don't go to fucking Thunder Bay and stand in front of two people. But so that's kind of a bad thing if you wanted me to come to Canada. So I apologize because I know I said I was going to be there. But we are putting together a tour of all these flyover states in place of that in July. And some of the dates are going to be like Boise, Idaho.

I know I got a date or two in Montana, the last state I need to go to. Then I've been to all 50. And I remember hearing Deadwood, Kansas, I think Oklahoma, some places in Colorado that aren't Denver because I always go to the comedy work. So I'm going to try to get out there and maybe do another bus tour and hit all these places that I've never been to. And you know, I have people come up to me at the end of my shows go, man, I drove four hours, I drove six hours and like these insane, I drove here from fucking Iowa. And you know, so I think it's about time that I fucking drove out to where they're at. So that's going to be happening in July. I'll let you guys know about the dates as soon as they get solidified.

And once again, thank you to everybody came. It's how fucking great this tour was. I actually, you know, I ended up in Kansas City at the Midland Theater and the promoter's girlfriend made all these cookies with my name on them. And said the Midland Theater thanking me for coming out was one of the nicest fucking things anybody has ever done for me. And you know what's so funny? I have such a fucking sweet tooth. She made like 20 of them. I took them all home.

I stuck them in my luggage and some of them broke, but I have such a sweet tooth. I put them in this fucking Tupperware even poured the crumbs in there. So my battle for not being old Billy fat face. I'm fucking losing it. But so and as much as I appreciated that, please, somebody else don't do it to me because I'll become a tub of shit. If somebody gives me cookies after every fucking show because I'll eat all of them. It's an embarrassing weakness that I have. All right.

That's the podcast for this week for people who want to get into the NHL, the NHL playoffs start tomorrow. I believe April 30th and I'm going to fucking write a diet with my Bruins and I'm hoping just something because it's the playoffs that they can somehow put together. They get the three good periods. I don't give a fuck. I'll always watch and I love them. Go fuck yourselves. That's the podcast. I'll see you next week there.