Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-29-19

Episode Date: April 29, 2019

Bill rambles about fishing, volcanoes, and My Two Dads.

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Information and information on BMW.b 20 podcast from Monday April 20 fucking 9th, 2019. What's going on? Hawaii. Oh. Old Freckles is in Iceland. Billy the Red. The old fucking bald Viking has returned to the motherland.

You know what's funny is I've been growing my beard out a little bit because I have a little bit of acting work, everybody. I got a part in a, it's a mini-series on Lifetime. It's about verbally abusive dads and I play the father. And some of my lines are, you call this popcorn, you fucking bitch. You know, so I've been working on, it's going to be an edgy one. It's going to be the first rated R Lifetime movie and that's when I'm in. I'll be doing a lot of screaming, a lot of throwing of inanimate objects at my wife,

my television wife and television children. And they were like, Bill, you know, as much as you have the anger in you, we just don't find you intimidating. Is there any way you could grow out your red beard? And I said, well, certainly, absolutely, I can do that. So that's what I've been doing. So look for it. There's the program, the working title, is ten of them called Mommy, Can You, Could

You Kill Daddy? No, I'm sorry, I ran out of shit to say. Anyways, I'm out here, I've been out here since last Monday. Spent a week out here in Iceland and I've had such a fucking great time. I don't even know where to begin. Had some family come out with me and my wife and my daughter and some other people came out and let's see, I think on Wednesday, Wednesday we went on a whale watch. First of all, my poor daughter, she was sick.

We thought she got air sick, but she just was sick, sick. She puked like fucking, I don't know, three or four times on the way over and we only brought like two changes of clothes, but by the time we get to friggin Iceland, the poor thing all she had was like her diaper on and a friggin' t-shirt that we bought in Seattle. We connected in Seattle and my wife was like, I was looking for a little Seahawks t-shirt for her, I thought that'd be cute. I was like, that would not have been cute. So anyway, of course, we get to Iceland and we get off the plane and it's one of those

deals where you get off the plane and then walk over to a bus, so I got her all wrapped in a blanket and I was all nervous she was going to get even more sick, but it was just like a 24-hour little stomach thing that she had and she's a tough kid, man. She really is and I figured growing up in Hollywood or whatever, she's been loving it out here, like she cries when we bring her back inside, like she wants to be outside. She's always going winny, winny, saying it's like windy, you know, and she loves it, loves the cold weather, yeah, she's a little, she's a tough kid. She's at that age, too, where she wants to do everything herself, like we did a couple

of sightseeing things and we were all going to get in the van and my wife picked her up to put her in the van and she got all upset, going, no, no, I do it, I do it, I do it and she would literally get out of the van and then get back in it herself and spend like a minute trying, struggling, trying to get up into the bench seat with the kid chair on top of her and I was just waiting for her, you know, when she gives up, she goes da-da help, right, and she didn't, she just stuck it out, sat down and looked at us and smiled like, see, I told you I could do it, I didn't say I could do it in under 10 minutes, but I just said I could do it, so, been having an awesome time, she's got some new words,

everybody is a new word, everybody swim, everybody eat, and then of course we're always playing her jams, my favorite thing she says is she goes, I want E-I-E-I-O, oh McDonald man, that's her tune, so anyway, we landed on Tuesday, we didn't do anything, you know, we were all jet lagged and my wife was able to stay up, me and my beautiful daughter just passed out in the bed for like six hours, which is kind of how I get over jet lag, I don't fight it the first day, because I feel like if I fight it the first day, then I'm going to get sick, so I just go to sleep, and so anyway, Wednesday we went on a whale watch, and you know the deal with the whale watch, you go out and you watch and you look for whales

on the water, and I, growing up boss, I never did it, never did it, I've seen a couple of whales flying a helicopter, you know, off the coast of Malibu, but they just like, they look like little glow sticks, because it was so high up, you know, you don't want to go down low and disturb them or whatever, freak them out, so you have the fucking whale looking up like Henry Hill, looking for the helicopters, yeah, so I had never done it, so we went out there, and the captain said at the end of the trip, he said I've been doing this for 11 years, that was a top five day, we saw so many fucking whales, I mean I don't know if it was the same too or whatever, I don't give a shit, it was incredible, they were

feeding on, there was a bunch of whatever, whatever the hell they eat out there, plankton or some fish, I have no ideas, are plankton fish, I don't know, is it land lover or land lover, and if it's lover, because I've seen both, it written both ways, I don't know what the fuck that is, you just saw the spray going up, and we went over there and they cut the engine, and we just sat there and watched these things, just coming up for food, one time came up and its mouth was open, they weren't doing that thing where their tail kept coming out of the water because they were feeding, so it was just, you just see them kind of do like an arch in their back coming out of the water, and then a school

of dolphins came by that had like white on their body, like on the tips of their fins or something, Jesus Christ can those things fucking fly, they were all over the place, they were racing with the boat, zigzagging in front of the boat, I felt like I was in a movie, so then we go to go fishing, which, I gotta be honest with you, I'm a carnivore, I don't like killing animals, I just don't like doing it, and it's weird but I'll eat them if someone else killed them, you know, like I feel like if I was in a gang, I would be the getaway driver, like guys, I don't want to go into the bank and put my gun in somebody's face, but I'll take the money you steal, my heart's just not in it, which

is, you know, it's really fucking weird, so my thing is, if I'm gonna kill an animal I'm gonna fucking eat it, and I'm gonna eat the whole goddamn thing, and I'm not gonna waste it or anything, because I remember a long time ago, I went bow fishing, and we shot a bunch of shit, you know, it turns out I was a lefty with the bow and arrow, and I was actually pretty good at it, and I shot a fucking alligator gar, and I remember we brought it up onto the boat, and I thought I was this badass, and they go, watch that thing, nothing will fucking rip your leg open and stuff, and I shot it through the back third of its body, and after a while, I was just like, wow, we're killing a lot of fish,

are we gonna eat these things, and they just threw them all back, and I was like, that thing's gonna be fine, it's gonna be fine, I shot it through its fucking body, and it just didn't, I remember after, once I found out we weren't eating what we were shooting, I just stopped, and I was just like, yeah, I'm good, I'm good, like what the fuck are we doing out here? So anyway, we go to go fishing, and Nia's never fished in her life, and they got these fishing hooks, and there was like two on each line, they put some old fucking fish on there or whatever, bait I believe is what the outdoorsmen call it, and me and my buddy were both fishing, we're not catching anything, Nia's never gone fishing,

she dropped that line twice, and all of a sudden she's like, oh my god, I think I got something, I think I got something, and she's like, oh no, and I see it, you know, I see the rod bending, I know she's got something, she fucking pulls it up, she caught two fish with one fucking strike, and she was freaking out, she thought it was awesome, and then we went to a different place to fish, and I dropped my line in, I felt a bite, I pulled it up, and it was like a trophy fish, so biggest goddamn fish I ever caught was a giant fucking cod, I'll post a picture of it, and I mean the fish was beautiful, and it took a picture with it, I really said sorry buddy, and then we cut it all up and all of that shit, and

I ate three helpings of it to make sure I ate the whole fucking thing, cooked it right up on the boat, and a little frying pan with some butter on it, it was absolutely fucking delicious, and I got it, man I just kept getting it in my head, I was just like man this is such a beautiful, what the fuck did I just kill this thing, this fucking fish was beautiful, it's in the prime of its life, I just don't got it in me, you know what I mean, I respect hunting and all of that shit, I think it's cool, I like watching those Rogan things when he goes out, and he shoots elk and all of that stuff, and he's giving me some of that meat and it's fucking delicious, I just don't got it in me, I literally think I would feel

less guilty if I shot a person, well depending on what the person did, but I'm a hypocrite because I fucking, I eat meat and shit, and like the next day we ended up going to, we don't went on this great trip, we went out to like these hot springs and shit, because I don't know, like the lava or whatever the fuck is really close to the surface out here, I don't know what's going on, but they got all these fucking hot springs, and it's literally like, you know, can get upwards of 400 degrees Celsius or whatever, or just like 800 Fahrenheit or something like that, something along those lines, at between 800 and 900 degrees, and we went, we watched those things, and it was weird, it was like, it was an amazing thing

to watch, but it's like that's boiling water, and we're just standing here like fucking assholes two feet away from it, and we went to go out and go look at this waterfall, and on the way we stopped at a farm that had a little restaurant, I ordered a burger and all that type of shit, and once again, I went and my daughter was looking at the cows, I know like a burger's made out of a steer, and I was looking at the cows, and I'm like, these things are fucking beautiful, especially like the light brown ones, just gorgeous, and I was just like, the fuck am I doing, and I said to me, I go, I swear to God, this trip is making me want to go vegetarian for a minute, I go, can you believe it, why the fuck do

we eat those things, they're beautiful, and Nia goes, because they're fucking delicious, so I don't know, but what is cool about Iceland is, you know, they have a lot of places where there's like vegetarian options and shit, and I don't know, maybe it's just this trip, maybe it'll wear off, I don't know what, because I do love a fucking steak, and I'm one time I watched this thing, this guy, one of these guys that fucking lives out in the frontier, like it's still the 1800s, and he had a bunch of fucking cattle, and all of his cattle were getting like all banged up and shit, and he couldn't figure out what it was, you know, there was some animal trying to attack him at night, and he did all this

surveillance, and it turned out it was one of his, his steers or his cows, I can't remember what the fuck they were, right, and this thing was just fucking being aggressive and bumping into him, it got to the point where he had to get rid of the thing, so he's going, all right, so the key is, is to try to like, you know, just be like totally chill, and then you give him the right there, Fred, so they're not nervous, and that whatever that nervousness does, makes their system acidic, I don't know what it does, but it makes the meat not taste good, long story short, he blows those things fucking brains out, like when, what's his face, Tommy goes to get made in Goodfellas, like the cows like, oh, you want me to go over

here, oh no, bang, and that's it, right, closed casket, fucking right in the head, so then they come over with like this fucking front end loader, right, a little mini one, and they tie up the thing's back legs, and then they lift the, the bucket up, and they got this fucking steer, like hanging by its back legs, and this guy starts butchering it, and first I was watching it going, oh my God, this is fucking horrific, peels all the fucking skin off, all of this shit, chops the head and the legs off, and all of that, and the more he cut into this thing, the less it became gross, and I started recognizing the cuts of meat, and I, my mouth started watering, oh, fucked up is that, I was like, oh my

God, that was a beautiful animal, how could you do that, I was like, oh my God, is that a full leg, oh look at that rib eye, by the time he got down to it, I was just like, and he was cutting these thick fucking steaks, and I was like, his freezer's gonna be full, he's gonna eat that fucking thing for the next four years, so I don't know, I don't know where I, where I, I really, I guess I'm saying I get both sides, I totally get not wanting to fucking eat an animal, because they're fucking beautiful, and what the fuck did they do, but on the other side, as my wife says, they're fucking delicious, they really, doesn't make any sense, but then you start thinking like, wait a minute, am I delicious?

You know, I don't think I am, I think I work out too much, I'd be tough, I'd be like a, like a fucking, like a cheap steak I feel, but you know what I mean, you wanna get like a fat person, sorry, I just realized I gotta take some vitamin C here, so I don't get sick for my goddamn show tonight in Iceland, hang on, but yeah, that shit just is making me think about stuff as far as, I think Joe de Rosa, you get, you get a human being that like never works out, you know, he's probably all marbled, and he smokes cigarettes, he probably has a smoky flavor, this is fucking disgusting, but I don't know, it's just shit you think when you actually kill something, anyway, but so yeah, so the next day we went out,

we looked at like some hot springs and the countryside, and I had never done that, because I've only been to Iceland one other time, and I just kind of came in, I went to the Blue Lagoon Spa, and then I just did my show, and then that was it, and by the way, I found that Blue Lagoon Spa is just like the runoff waste water from some local fucking plant that they have where, I don't know, I don't know what they do over here, there's something about the fucking, they pump the water in, it seems really clean energy over here, but they're not without their faults, because I went down to a comedy club and he did the fucking, one of the comedians did a joke about getting the clap, and he goes, and you

know, Iceland people are just not phased by that, like yeah, and I was just like, god damn, they got a problem with that shit, it's like, how do you have a fucking problem with this, like a cure to it, why doesn't everybody just take the fucking pills or whatever the fuck you take, get the shot in the ass, what's the one where you get the penicillin, I don't know, fucking, just wipe the shit out, that's what I would do if I would be running shit over here, you know, elect me, keep Iceland clean and let's get rid of the clap, sorry I'm drinking my fucking, emergencies, alright, and then like, yeah I guess, and then we took a helicopter tour up to an active volcano, which freaked me out, I'm like, wait a minute,

is there gonna be like lava spitting out of here and shit, and all it means by actives means it interrupted a thousand years ago, so it's still considered active, like that's what blows my mind as far as like how old the earth is, and how long it takes, like there was like different lava beds, one was 10,000 years old and one was a thousand years old, and how long it takes for the moss to grow and then grass eventually to cover it up, it's really, I felt like I was in one of those Neil deGrasse Tyson fucking documentaries, but we ended up, we landed right on like the base of this fucking, or like halfway up this fucking active volcano, right, and it had all these hot springs around it and all that shit

and the pilot was going, don't get too close to those things, that was when the guy said it gets up to like, the steam gets up to like fucking 400 degrees Celsius, and for all you Americans out there, water boils at 100 degrees Celsius, so it's four times, what was water boiling, whatever the, our standard system, 212 or something like that, so it's four times that, no wait, it's the steam, so steam is even hotter, why do I act like I have a fucking science background, I don't know what, it's fucking hot as shit, so we went up there and you know, I don't watch Game of Thrones and I haven't watched, I watched One Lord of the Rings, which I thought they should have called it Good Lord of the Rings, how long is this fucking movie

there, I've never been to a longer fucking movie that I can really think of, maybe chariots of fire, you know when you just go to something and you're just not into it and you're like, when is this gonna fucking end, I just don't understand those fucking sci-fi movies where people just get into like weird beings with funny voices and it's just like, what am I fucking six years old, this went from being an adult movie, now I'm watching like the fucking Muppets Take Manhattan, all right, I know this fucking jerk off with the blonde hair and the horses and gonna die, he's got blonde hair and he's on a horse, he's obviously the hero, right, I vaguely remember that movie but I feel like the lead looked like fucking Ricky Schroeder, Silver Spoon's era

and then they had this Obi-Wan Kenobi looking fucking guy who was nice but he, you know, you just could tell like, that guy smells like he's dying, you know, that old person's smell when they just start to get that smell like they're like decaying in front of you, this is such a weird podcast, I already actually talked about, you know, what Joe DeRosa, what sort of steak he would be, sorry, I've been out here for a while by myself, so anyway, at night I've been going up, they have their first comedy club out here in Reykjavik called The Secret Seller and I want to thank everybody over there, I randomly ran into this comedian on the street, I forget his Icelandic

name but I abbreviated it to Al, so I want to thank Icelandic Al for letting me know about the show, I went up at the Hard Rock Cafe and then I did one show there and then three shows at The Secret Seller and I had a great time, except Saturday night I went up and I wasn't feeling funny and I went up and I wasn't doing well and there was this woman in the crowd and she was texting my whole set and I was just like, man, there's like fucking, you know, 20 people here, I need you, I need you to pay attention and she's just like, yeah, I'm not into your fucking, your gay phobic, what else did she say, I had to write it down, ableist material and I was just like, like, I don't even know what that fucking means, I don't even know what you're listening to,

you know, people who talk like that, it's like, why would you go to a comedy club, it's like, you're not there to laugh as much as you're there to monitor what's being said, it's like, you're going there to be offended, it's like, anybody who uses those fucking terms, you know, did you see that fucking thing on the internet, you know, with some restaurant in the United States and on the men's room and the women's room on the men's room, they had a picture of Bruce Jenner and then on the women's room door, they had a picture of Caitlyn Jenner, which is fucking hilarious. And then of course, it's immediately looked at as like, no, that means you hate gay people or you hate, what is the proper term, transitioning people, whatever the

fuck you're supposed to say, it's like, if that wasn't a gay club, like, it would just be considered campy or funny or like, whatever. But if it's in a place where there's a lot of straight people, they just automatically think that straight people hate gay people when they do something like that. It's a pop culture joke. And you know what I love is putting Caitlyn Jenner on the woman's door, woman's room door is acknowledging the fact that you're recognizing her as a woman. I mean, there's so many positive ways that you could look at that, you could look at that like, Hey, this is a straight bar. And gay people are now in the mainstream that they're being used as this fucking reference. But no, no, no, immediately it was just like, you know, taken in this way,

like, and what I love is the person who looks at how they take it is then becomes the intention of the person that put it up there. You know, and then they start fucking flipping out. Um, I'm also convinced, by the way, that Twitter fans the flames of their own fucking stories. Like they'll throw a subject out there that nobody's talking about. And then they just say people are talking about it. So then you click on it. And you realize there's barely anybody talking about it. And then it's still there the next day, because now it's trending. And now you look and there'll be like fucking 90,000 people talking about it. And it's just like, there's no way they don't have a fucking room, you know, in the offices of Twitter,

where they're like, we need to get this trending. We need his, his something we need to get going. I don't know. I just, I just think everybody behaves like CNN and Fox News now where it's not even like, like fucking news. And, and then like the people that would actually like think about how fucking dumb you would have to be to actually leave comments on shit like that. Okay. But the people who are dumb enough to leave comments on those things, then become the barometer air quote of what the fuck people are thinking, which is, it's such a crock of shit. Like I saw that I'm not into the superhero movies, but I know one of them just came out when it was Marvel ones and game thing, you know, and I guess there was a gay

character in there. So there's a gay character in there. Fantastic, right? Nope. There's a thing. Did they go far enough? And I just, when I read that, I just would, I would assume, okay, not saying I know how gay people think, but I would think a lot of gay people be watching that going like, why the fuck would you do that? They finally put a gay fucking superhero in there. And now what, we're going to bitch about it. This is just, this is going to make it more difficult. I don't know. I just think extreme people are, they're the worst because they're extreme and then they just get everybody yelling at everybody. It's like, at what point is everybody going to get sick of just fucking screaming at each other? I was actually talking to Bartek last night,

his whole fucking theory on how Trump got elected was, it just was, just made like so much fucking sense. You know, you know, like they tried to say like, oh, Trump got elected because a bunch of racist people came out of the woodwork, which is fucking hilarious. One of the dumbest theories I ever thought. I was like, oh, really? Well, where were all those racist people the two previous elections when they could have voted against a black president? They waited till a white woman was running. It didn't even fucking make sense. And he was saying, just with the rise of the extreme left, it pushed people on the left who thought they were on the left to feel like they were like, these people are out of their

fucking minds. And it was just enough to tip the scale. I don't know. And you got the whole fucking Russian bullshit. I didn't fucking listen to that. Like, am I really supposed to believe that Russia, that's the first time they tampered with the fucking election? All this technology, they just waited until now. And I'm supposed to be shocked that somebody, a politician, you know, for the betterment of their career, got in bed with a group of people they shouldn't have gotten in bed with. You mean like what, like the pharmaceutical companies, like what, the oil companies, like the people who make our fucking food and turn it into poison? I mean, like the rush to get in bed with the Russians is a pretty small fucking leap. And I love how

like Trump gets all that shit, who I'm not a fan of. But they just look the other way when Obama is giving speeches to banks that caused the 2008 economic fucking meltdown. The same guys who said we're too big to fail. It's okay for him to go out there and take $300,000 of their fucking blood money. But for some reason, because he has a fucking blue tie, he's okay. He's a fucking rock star. I'll never, I swear to God, I will never understand. Is it partisan politics? Is that how it goes? Like a piece of shit is a piece of shit. And a paid off person is a paid off person, regardless of the color of their fucking time. I also love how everybody fucking looks at Michelle Obama, like she's this feminist hero.

It's like she went to a fucking Ivy League school, she got a law degree, and then she threw her whole career away to stay at home and support her fucking husband. Like that's the person that's doing an arena tour. Why don't you get a couple of fucking chicks who open their own cupcake store and fucking made something of themselves, right? Am I just out of my fucking mind? I don't, I don't get it. She's an inspiration. She's so brave. Every time you see her, she's smiling and clapping, standing behind her fucking husband. I agree with what he said. Ugh, sorry. Anyways, maybe, maybe, maybe it's me. Maybe it is me, Bill. Maybe if there's arena full of people saying that she's an inspiration, maybe she's an inspiration,

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That's genius. Then they track what you buy and then these other fucking giant fucking people pay them to steer traffic towards them and then they dump this shit that they want to get rid of. That's fucking awesome. It's a great business model. Sherry's berries. Ah, look who's back. Mother's Day is coming up and there's absolutely nothing most of us wouldn't do to make sure the special moms in our life are happy. Talk about your mom. It's none of your business and why she deserves to be happy this Mother's Day because she's my mom. I need to go any farther than that. Could also be another mom you admire. Send a gift to your grandma, sister, sister-in-law, kid's godmother, or a milf down the street. There's all kinds of moms. Talk about the best,

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turn around these whole people's lives. I watched them this one episode. These two adorable women, right? They got their secret family recipe for barbecue sauce in Kansas City. Not only do they give these people who will make a fucking makeover to the point they fix their teeth so the woman could smile again. She's literally crying in a dental chair. And then they redid their whole barbecue fucking stand and then got them to like jar their barbecue sauce so they could say it was fucking unbelievable. I mean, that's a fucking makeover from top to bottom. So so old freckles gives that show five stars. Been watching it with my wife. It's, you know, with all the negative shit out there. It's a really it's a nice feel good show to watch.

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May 12 to really satisfy your mother who fuck writes this is gross May 12 so visit berries.com that's B E R R I E S dot com. Click on the microphone in the upper right corner and our my code bird. That's berries dot com. Click the microphone code bird. Yeah, it's chocolate covered strawberries. Make your mom happy. All right, you love her. She loves you. She raised you. That's all the copy you need. berries dot com. All right, fan. Oh, wow, that was it. That was all I had for this week. All right, fan from India. Oh, by the way, they may have barnick went up, but he did a couple of fucking new jokes that he absolutely fucking murdered. Guy just walked on stage like he's like, Hey, he's like, this is my first European show. It just went up there and

took me back to the first time I ever saw Joe. I saw him in the punchline in San Francisco. And Molly Schminke had booked him, you know, one of the last godmothers of fucking stand-up comedy. Somebody actually cares. Somebody who actually has the fucking eye and ear to actually recognize when somebody's good, rather than just some fucking mouth breathing dope running a club. She, you know, used to try to pair the local talent with whatever headliner was coming in. So she thought that I would like Joe and like Joe went on stage in San Francisco was always ahead of the curve when it came to like just being like, I don't know, smart and maybe liberal to a fault. Back when being liberal to a fault was actually, you know, those people were cool.

You know, before it became like this, like liberal to a fault. And now I'm going to fucking try to destroy your career because you have the audacity to not think exactly what I think, you know. Yeah, before they became fucking right wing lunatics. Anyway, so Joe went up there and he just fucking doing his act and he was this Pittsburgh guy in San Francisco. And the crowd was just like, what the fuck at first? And he just was not going to pull back at all. And I felt the crowd just be like, all right, I guess he's not stopping and they just went along for the ride. And I immediately was just like, I fucking love this guy. And last night when I saw him to stand up in Iceland, he just fucking went up same thing.

Joey B is Joey B, no matter where he is, he just went up and did his shit. And the crowd was just like, these guys, they fucking loved him. And he tried out two new jokes, which really got me inspired here, because I have to come up with some new material before my special comes out. Anyway, fan from India. Hey, Billy Blueballs, I'm a big fan of your standup, but I've watched all of your specials. And that is for family is fucking awesome. Thank you very much. Anyway, let me get to the point. I am 17 years old. And first saw you during one of the Conan interview immediately became a big fan, as you were the only guy in Hollywood, who had the same thought process as I say, I knew I like people from India. I had such a good time when I was over there. I just get

scared to go back because I, you know, I had to get a fucking piece of paper to a work visa. I had to send my fucking visa to San Francisco, which my passport, sorry, get some sort of work visa. And then when I went to India, I had to get a piece of paper that would allow me to leave. You know, fucking scary that is when you're on the other side of the fucking globe, and you're in a country, nobody looks like you and you got to get a fucking, you know, it's like these guys not going to let me leave. Right. Then I had to go to like that the fucking, I don't even know what it was, the embassy type place, not the embassy. I don't know what it was. It was like they're fucking international DMV. And I went in there and they didn't let the promoter

go in. They had to go in by myself. I didn't speak the fucking language. And I'm sitting there with some chick from Afghanistan. We're both looking at each other laughing like they're not going to let us leave. And I was in there for like half the fucking day and they finally gave me the piece of paper and the entire time, you know, in the back of my head, I'm just thinking like, because the promoter told me, he said, you know, there's a chance they won't validate this. Because I said this, I said it to the lady there, okay, so I got this piece of paper. So this means I can leave, right? And they do this thing over in India. It's fucking hilarious, except when you're talking about leaving the country and you need a definitive answer. They got this hilarious thing

they do where you ask him a question, and they don't nod their head, yes, or shake their head, no, they kind of do like this bobblehead thing, which is I guess they're equivalent to shrugging their shoulders like I don't fucking know. So fortunately, I was taking a red eye and the airport wasn't wasn't packed. And I kind of just guerrillaed my way through. Like, I started getting angry at the guy because the guy was doing the bobblehead thing. I go, dude, I went to the thing, I got the thing, I got to get out of here. And he's sitting there going like this, I'm like, buddy, the plane's leaving, let's go, come on, give me, give me that, I got to go. And in my head, I'm like, Bill, what are you doing? This guy and this guy's going to

detain you, you're losing your shit here at the fucking Mumbai International Airport. But he let us fucking go. And the whole time I was walking down the plane, I was just waiting for this hand to reach out and just on my shoulder and tell me that I had been detained, because they didn't let some singer out. I forget what her name was. It was like a Nora Jones level. I'm not saying it was her, but it was that level singer, some beautiful, you know, pop star, piano playing goddess, and they didn't let her out. And old fucking, the bald ginger, I'm like, there's no fucking way they're letting me out. But somehow I got past that guy. And I didn't feel comfortable until after we connected in Dubai. And I was still doing the math, which kind of helped me

forget that we were flying over Iraq at that point, I believe. I was like, are they gonna fucking, this is me some shit where I get to the United States, and then that's and then they send me back. I just remember when I cleared customs in the US, I was so fucking relieved. But having said that, when I went to India, like, there's some of the funniest, just naturally funniest fucking people I ever met. They were such ball breaking assholes. And I mean that in a good way, like the comics over there were just breaking my balls and trying to get me in trouble when I was you should talk about this and all of this shit when I was over there. So anyway, so this guy of course this guy watching me on cone and he thinks yeah, I don't know what it is.

I don't know what it is when I was in India, I was like, these are like tan Irish people. All right, you helped me when I was really low and I wanted to thank you for that. I'm sure you get shit on shit. You get a shit ton of these sorts of emails, but I want you to know that all your fans appreciate you. Okay, at some point you got to pull up on the compliments here and get to the question. He said, I want to be a doctor. And yes, you may think, Oh, the stereotypical Indian, but that's my passion, man. Dude, you guys are so fucking smart that the offensive stereotype was like, what, you think I'm going to be a doctor? That's like a bad, that's not a bad stereotype is I think the bad stereotype is that I thought

you would be a fucking snake charmer, you know, or beating an elephant that didn't want to work for you. Yeah, I think that that would be a stereotype. I mean, to say you're going to be a doctor, that's like a positive thing, right? Anyways, can you give some encouraging advice on ladies? As I know, you know a lot of them. I really don't. I fucking appreciate the shit out of you, man. Come to India. Bangalore to be precise and go fuck yourself. Can you give me some encouraging advice on ladies? All right, well, now you got me in my head where it's just like the fact that you're yet another Indian guy who's going to excel in medicine. Is that just like boring to women over there?

Why don't you do this? Why don't you become the jacked Indian dude who's going to be a fucking doctor and make a great goddamn living? Like what the fuck is the problem with that? You know, through line with women around the fucking world is you can't make them happy. I mean, what more does this guy got to fucking do? I don't know. I guess what you have to do, what you're suggesting is that you're yet another Indian guy who's going to be a doctor, right? So what is exciting about that? So I imagine these Indian women are just rolling their eyes. Like, oh, God, like, and then it's like, what do you have to be? You got to be like a neurosurgeon to get them excited. You know, are you guys so smart over there that literally like being like a

proctologist, they look at you like you're fucking, you know, cleaning out dumpsters? You know what, give you some encouraging advice on the ladies. I mean, I know it takes a lot to be a doctor. So I don't know if you have time for a hobby. But yeah, I don't know. Learn how to play an instrument. Go to the gym and get fucking jacked. You got to do something to separate yourself from the fucking these slew, I guess, of Indian doctors over there. You seem like you got a sense of humor. Dude, you know, what the fuck do you need to do? You got to beg for your fucking dinner here? I mean, you're a goddamn doctor. What woman wouldn't want to fucking that's not enough over there? I don't know. This is a weird topic because when I was over there, I saw this fucking t-shirt that

said it said real men don't rape. So I don't know what the fuck's going on over there. If you're a doctor and you're not going around raping women, I mean, doesn't that put you fucking, you got to be at least a second round draft picked over there, huh? I don't know. I was only there for a day and a half, you know, and I spent half of one of my days trying to fucking get a goddamn piece of paper to tell me that I can leave. I still remember that fucking guy at the airport. Thank God, thank God I got there late. It was a fucking red-eye flight. It was like nobody there. I'm like, look, I got the piece of paper. I'm fucking going. Basically, what I said, the guy's sitting there doing the bobblehead thing, and he finally gave me the thing back and he fucking stamped it.

No, I cleared that. It was weird. It wasn't like customs. It was just some fucking guy behind a podium. It was so unnerving when I think about it, I still get nervous. I'm going to ask my agent, because I would love to go back over there again, because like I said, I really enjoyed, I don't know, it was like, India's like, it's a fucking special place, man. I don't know what it is. I mean, it's an environmental disaster. There's just too many, like, fucking people. But other than that, you know, if you're going to have a billion people in the country, it's just amazing how fucking cool they were, and they were that jammed in with each other, because it was like that in America. We'd fucking kill each other.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with that. I remember reading this book, some book about war, and they were just talking about the different groups of people and different armies, and Americans were the only ones that when they were detained with each other, they'd get to a point where they would kill each other, that they had like violence, like American versus American violence, like they didn't have like Australian versus Australian or whatever like that, at least according to this fucking book. And I was just like, yeah, well, you know, we are a nation of lunatics. But you would think that Australia, because Australia's got a lot of the same sort of history. You know, we got a bunch of lunatics, fucking leave England, go to a new land, there's people there, and then they

eventually fucking do horrible things to them and then take over. So you think that, I don't know, I don't know why we're such fucking maniacs, maybe, I don't know. All right, Iceland are about Iceland. Hey, Bill, I'm from Iceland. And I've heard you state on your previous podcast that Iceland wouldn't take any shit from bankers and put them to jail. That this is absolute bullshit. Well, I thought that you guys put like you were the only ones who put bankers and politicians in jail after 2008. That's the story I was told. So I would love to hear your story. Some who were involved with the economic crash of 2008 were tried, but most of, but most if not all of them got away with it. Well, I was surprised with the jail sentences. They weren't that long. A simple Google search would

reveal to you that this is not the case. All right, you don't need to slap me around. Do I have to Google search everything that people tell me? Today, many of these men are doing the exact same thing they were up to before the crash. Yeah, well, welcome to the United States because they're doing it again. All these stupid fucking giant high rises that they're building. We'll just put the money over here and that makes it different because this time it's not houses, it's buildings. For example, life pension funds are mandatory in Iceland. About 10% of your monthly salary goes to these funds that are supposed to provide for you when you get old. A small group of people are in charge of those funds and they invest in all kinds of things, mostly real estate.

They buy up all new real estate and then rent them out for outrageous prices to the common man. Every year they tell us they're making so much profit that there's leftovers for the executives to get insane bonuses. Meanwhile, old people are getting reduced pensions because quote reasons. Most recent news I've seen from these pension plans is that they're going to raise the mandatory monthly payment from 10% to 14% because it's good for you. Yeah, dude, they're fucking criminals. They're fucking criminals and you know what it is? They just pay off the politicians and they look the other way. That's like in my country where now if you make over 10 million dollars they want to charge 70% fucking tax rather than go after the criminals that have put us into

that fucking financial position. Yeah, my whole country is like a bunch of zombies just clapping every time they have troops go by going, I support the troops, I support the troops and you're not allowed to question or be like, what the fuck are we doing? When is this going to be over? We're bankrupt. What the fuck? Does anybody have a plan? If you do that, people look at you like you don't support the troops and you don't appreciate the sacrifices. It all gets balled up into that and you cannot have a fucking intelligent conversation about it. It's fucking brutal. Like we're beyond bankrupt. We've so surpassed the legal amount of debt that we can get and that like our solution was just keep raising the amount of debt that we

could get in. He said, anyway, I just wanted to tell you Iceland is not the utopia everyone thinks it is. Can't wait to see your set in Iceland and I hope your act isn't as shit as you say it is. Sincerely go fuck yourself, a fellow cunt from Iceland. Well, I gotta be honest with you. This is one of the most expensive fucking places I've ever been to in my life. Like, you know, I went out and I got two fucking medium pizzas and two glasses of water and it was like 54,000 fucking Kroners or 50. I don't know what the fuck it was. I always just moved the decimal point over a couple of 5400. So it's basically 54 bucks for two goddamn pizzas. Mediums, not even largest. I was just like, this is like fucking annoyingly expensive over here.

The fact that the bankers don't go to jail, the fact that all they do is control money and they're not even tough and they don't even have like weaponry. Like, there's gonna have to be, I don't know, a point where people rise up against that shit. You would like to think, but I will say though, the fact that we spent so much fucking, so much of our energy arguing about shit like, you know, was the gay character in the action movie gay enough? You know, what Jay Z said about gentrifying neighborhoods or fucking, you know, like gender neutral bathrooms and just the shit that we're fucking arguing about.

I'm not saying that there's not points to be made. There's not improvements that need to be made in those areas, but like as far as like a priority, it's like your house is on fire and you're talking about how you need to buy a new toaster, you know, or we really need to fucking mop the kitchen floor or something. It's like it's the priority system, which I actually think is no different than the bankers. The same way the bankers are being fucking selfish and taking all the goddamn money and giving themselves like just obscene fucking bonuses. I feel like regular everyday people are the same way where all they give a fuck is about problems that affect them rather than

the big problems that affect all of us. You know, it should be all about fucking, you know, getting bankers under control and global warming. Those are the two biggest fucking things that should be on the table right now. Not fucking telling 20-something-year-old white women that they're brave because they sent out a tweet. That's just what I think. Anyways, fucking thank you is the next one. Good morning, Billy O'Fuck charm. Love your podcast, you're the best, yada, yada, yada. That's the way I like to have a compliment. Get that shit out of the way and let's go. All right. Anyways, I like that you guys are already anyways like me, how I say it. I just want

to thank you due to the fact that last night I went to a bar at Buffalo Wild Wings, got off work and decided to drink a few brusquies and as I was watching one of many TVs, I saw a zip recruiter ad and it made me being a podcast listener. What? And me being a podcast listener said it a little too loud and this chick caught it, knew where it was from and acknowledged it. Oh, you said zip and then she went recruiter. Oh, that's so fucking cool. She had just gotten off work and went to Buffalo Wild Wings to relax and eat some wings and there was an empty seat in between us. Therefore, I offered her to sit next to me and she said, yeah, sure, I offered a beer and she said, I'll take one, but it's okay,

you don't have to pay for it. So I didn't. Jesus Christ is fucking found a unicorn here. However, we were chatting up and 98% of the topic was all about the podcast and two hours past of just talking and drinking and there was a cinema in the mall. So I asked if she wanted to go watch Endgame and she said, yeah, I went to the cinema and had a great time. We ended up exchanging numbers and this morning she texted me, good morning. We should hang out sometime next weekend. So I'm hoping this could be the start of something good. Can't wait to tell the wife, haha, I'm joking. Jesus Christ, you just scared the shit out of me. Anyways, I just thought I should take the time to thank you electronically. Thanks for reading and go fuck

yourself. All right, awesome. Look at that. Making a love connection. I'm going to I'm a regular Chuck Woolery. You know, I used to love about Chuck Woolery on fucking love connection, aside from his amazing head of hair, his tan and his fucking perfect teeth. When someone would say something crazy and he would kind of put his hand up to his head and then show off his fucking Rolex Presidential just blinding you at home. He was the fucking man. And the ladies loved them. All right, conspiracy corner, huge Chuck Woolery fit. Hey, Billy Bruins. I was speaking to which how about those? How about your Boston Bruins and I condolences condolences my condolences to fucking Maple Leaf fans, man? Jesus Christ. I mean, I mean, I actually you got to say our Maple

Leaf fans, the best fans on all the sports, you name one other fucking team that has had the track record for 51 fucking years that they have had of just breaking their fans hearts over and over and over and over again. And you still you can't get a ticket. You know, I've done that NHL radio show. So I got some hookups. So anytime I want to go to an NHL game, if I want to be a cunt and call somebody up, I can get free tickets. I can do that anywhere in the league except Toronto. Toronto, the NHL front office is like, we can't even get tickets. Despite they've lost three games, sevens this decade alone. And still you can't get a ticket. We had to stand out on the street and fucking scalp them like the old days. So it was a hell

of a series. And like I said, and I meant it, if you guys beat the Bruins, I was going to root for you guys. So having said that, the Boston slam is still alive. I mean, it's a fucking long shot. I'm trying to think of if a city ever won the Stanley Cup and NBA title in the same year. I don't think that's ever happened. I know the Bruins went to the finals in 87 and the Celtics went to find we both lost that year. We lost to the Lakers. And we lost to the Edmonton Oilers. And I got to tell you, if you are going to lose, those are two fucking respectable losses to the Magic Johnson Showtime Lakers. And the fucking talking 1987, the Wayne Gretzky, Marc Messier, Edmonton Oilers. So anyways, I'm missing all of this shit, but Bartnick's out here,

so he's going to get me caught up. He found a sports bar last night. But I've missed all of the I missed game seven of the Bruins, Toronto. And I did. I just had my buddies just texting me, letting me know when there was a score. And then they'd send me a video and I would watch the score or whatever the goal. But I know that the Bruins and Columbus are one one. I heard it got real chippy in the second game. And it's killing me because I know it's just going to be a fucking sick ass, physical fucking awesome series. And also I want to see Tordorelli. He's got like he's reminded me of from what I've been reading is he's kind of changed his approach. He's not as much as a hard ass. Because like what I saw him smiling after

they won game two in Tampa, I was like, who the fuck is that guy? He looks like he's having fun. And it reminded me of Dick Vermeel. When he went too hard with the Eagles before Super Bowl 15, and he kind of burned him out, he felt and it affected their their play. And then when he came back with the Rams in 1999, he had more fun than they won. So it's reminding me of that story. So if that's going to happen, I want to see it. But if you play in my Bruins, I got a root against you, obviously. So and I've missed all the Celtics. I just heard Kyrie Irving and everybody's finally got on the same page that white kid we got from Utah was his name Hayward Hayward. I got a kid. I don't

know where anybody is anymore. I heard he had a big game, game one, playing Milwaukee. And that takes me back to a kid as a kid, man. Celtics used to always have to go through fucking Milwaukee, you know, Sydney Monkreefin, all those fucking guys. I want to see this was Jack Sikman on that team was was he always in Seattle? Can't remember. Anyways, email you from Toronto. And no, I'm not here to whine about the playoffs New Jersey devil fan. Instead, I emailing you, hang on my screen just went away, emailing you to get your advice on this article. I came across this past week, the self checkouts are bad enough. But now every self is taking a scan of your face. I'm sure they have some software on their computers that are hooked

up with their security cameras that can do facial recognition. But this is next level shit, they'll be scanning your face while you're skimming through which hemorrhoid creams you should get. Dude, this is yeah, this is the shit that they're fucking doing, man, is and these politicians are just sitting back, letting them do it cameras that guess your age and sex are coming to store shelves. Dude, I swear to God, I'm going to start shopping with like wearing a fucking clown mask. You know, or you know, like when Asian people are getting sick, and they wear that mask because they're considering enough to try not to get other people sick, just walk in with the fucking surgical mask on. You just do that. And then they'll come up with

some sort of bill that they connect to 911 that they're they're afraid. And it makes other people unsettled. And they don't know if you're a fucking terrorist when you come in, dress like fucking Clarabel. I didn't want to fucking read that. That's just fucking ridiculous. I love when you watch like corporate news and they're like, Oh, that's interesting. And you just see them, their mouths gagged with all the fucking money they have fucking shoved up their asses. There's such I just I gotta be honest with you. I cannot get over what fucking pussies people are. When you know what I mean? When it comes to like, that's why you got to work for yourself. So you can just say what the fuck you're thinking. Instead of being like, Oh, that's a little

fucking ball as human beings, grow a fucking dick and deliver the news. And can you have a Walter Cronkite moment and just say what the fuck you're thinking? Just to see somebody do that on the news, even if you got fucking fired, you're going to start a podcast, you're going to make fucking more money. Yeah, I'm the fucking news guy that actually says what he thinks about the news rather than just reading this unsettling shit and just being a fucking team player. I don't know, as much as you don't maybe like fucking Glenn Beck or whatever, that guy got fired and he went off that guy's making zillions of dollars. But no one's really listening to him. Are they? I don't know. Maybe it's a bad idea. Don't fucking listen to me for career advice.

Anyways, he's just a fucker sometimes. All right. Here's an email from a lady, which I love. We don't get to hear from the ladies. It's a fucking goddamn sausage fest over here. Fucking brought worse on the fire every goddamn podcast here. He's just a fucker sometimes. What the hell is it? Sometimes on Friday nights, I like to watch scary movies with my husband and kids. My husband always gets pissed off halfway through the movie about me being a horrible parent and ushers the children out of the room. These are thriller movies, not gore or extreme violence. Our boys are seven and 11. They are well adjusted, good boys. They are on the honor roll at school.

We are involved parents and eat a family dinner together every night. All right. Well, it looks like you're crushing it so far. We are not parents that expose them to everything and anything, but they do get spoken to about real shit. My issue is my husband lets them play fortnight, call of duty, listen to Eminem and all alternative rock music. Yeah, well, what the fuck? They can't watch a thriller at that point. Even hear your podcast. I'm fucking sick of being told I'm a bad parent. Well, first of all, if you're going to try to get your partner to hear what you're saying and how you feel, you can't say that they're a bad parent. Who the fuck is going to be listening after that? You're going to get offended and you're going to

get defensive and then that's going to be end of any sort of logical conversation, right? Anyways, I want to say because I want to expose them to scary movies on occasion. It's something my sister and I always did growing up with my dad and we were not messed up from it. My husband says that because I work with children as a school administrator, I should know not to expose their minds to this because it will fuck them up and they're playing. I don't know what fortnight is, but I imagine that's one of those gun games and they listen to Eminem's and this fucking podcast. I wouldn't let my kid listen to this podcast. My husband says he will persevere on this topic until I want to punch him in the face. Instead, he ruins the movie and the kids leave the room and I

go to bed. What are your thoughts on this? Am I a horrible mom? Keep in mind if there's a sex scene, it's fast forwarded. Thank you. He's a hypocrite. It's like he can expose him to fucked up shit because he's into that stuff. Fortnight, call of duty, listening to Eminem. I don't want alt rock has to do with anything, but I think they'll be all right. I used to watch those fucking movies. I was fine. I understand him not wanting them to watch those movies. I get that, but not if you're also letting them do the other stuff. What I would try to do is just sit down and say, listen, I want to talk to you about this because we keep fighting about these movies. This is a question. I don't want you to get upset. I'm just asking because I want to find

a solution and not have a fight here. Why do you feel that thrillers movies are bad for them to watch, but it's not bad for them to play violent video games or listen to Eminem or the Monday morning podcast? If he hops and pops and gets mad, then he's a fucking baby. What you have to do then is keep your cool and as he flips out, don't flip out. You have to remain calm and just sit there and be like, you know, you got to be like Ben Kingsley and sexy beast. Like, why are you swearing? I'm not swearing. You stay in that fucking thing. Like, why are you raising your voice? I'm not raising your voice. I'm trying to find a solution here and you're you know, your name calling and you're doing all of this stuff. Like, this isn't acceptable. Maybe,

you know, when you calm down and you want to talk about this, all right, I am more than willing. If you can give me a logical reason, I'm more than willing to stop doing this. But if you can't give me a logical reason, I'm going to continue the tradition of watching the movies like I did with my dad with my kids and you're not going to come in and ruin them and tell me that I'm a horrible parent. Yeah, you know what, you need to put your foot down, sweetheart. Okay. Yeah, like that. I mean, as far from where I'm sitting, that guy doesn't have a fucking leg to stand on. I would I would think that sitting there watching some stupid thriller movie is not as bad as fucking playing a video game where you're shooting people because I remember I used to play

video games, right? And they were just taking up too much of my time. So I literally unplugged the fucking thing and stuck it in the back of the closet. And I unplugged all the wires because I knew I would never be able to figure it back out, you know, how to do it. I didn't keep the instruction booklet. And I never watched them again, right? Never played them again. But like, I used to play this sniper game. And when you press down on this one button, it would have that, you know, the sniper X and it would like focus in on somebody's head. And I played that game so much over the course of a week, I walked out into the streets of New York, and I was looking at people and I was seeing that sniper thing on their fucking head. Now, I'm not a lunatic,

so I didn't do anything. But it was just like, what the fuck is that? Like, I don't I never watched a thriller movie, you know, and then walked outside and thought about, you know, stabbing somebody or shooting somebody. You know why? Because I think the fucking movie, it's you're not as connected to it. And it's over in like 90 minutes where like, you can spend a day playing a video game, just disappear down a rabbit hole. Yeah, all right, well, you know, I mean, granted, all I heard was your side of the story. But for what I'm hearing, I 100% think you're in the right. So good luck with that. Put your foot down. But I'm telling you, don't it seems like your husband is an emotional person. So when you get with somebody like that, you, you, it's up to you to drive the ship of

emotion. You have to stay fucking calm. And if they're flipping out and you're not flipping out, then they just look like an idiot. I don't know. That's basically it. All right, plowing ahead here. Last one. Found out my sister had a has different dad needed advice. Okay. Dear Billy ball gag. I need your advice in a very difficult situation. I'm in my 30s and my sister's a year older than me. Our parents divorced when we were teenagers. And we've we have always been close. I get along very good with my dad. And I feel like I'm his little twin. My looks, personality, work ethic all resemble my father. Well, that's great. My sister looks nothing like him, but resembles my mom. I recently got too drunk with my dad. And his wife and he were complaining about

my sister always calling him asking for money. He's always treated her strangely. Oh my God. And recently admitted he's not my sister's my sister's father. What? And that my mother had an affair with his best friend. Holy shit. His friend he's talking about looks like my sister and they share many personality traits. So your dad hung in there after that after his best friend banged his fucking wife and then raised the kid. Oh my God. My sister doesn't know but my mother admitted it. And I recently found a letter from the 1980s from my mother talking about the whole thing. Is it my place to tell her or to talk to my parents and see if they feel like telling her, what the hell should I do? What would you do? I love your cartoon and the podcast. I've seen

every episode. Okay. Thank you very much. All that nice stuff. Yeah, I would talk to your mom. I talked to your mom and I'd say she needs to know. All right. And then I would see what the fuck happened. And and if she refuses to tell her, then I would talk to a professional. Not some fucking shit joke telling comedian because that's that's a tough one. I don't know what to tell you on that one. But my advice to you would be to talk to your mom and be like, look, all right, I was cool with, you know, keeping the Santa Claus secret. But this is a different ball game, if you know what I mean. Yeah, that's what I would do. All right, that's kind of a bomber to end on. But

wow, that's that's fucking bananas. Jesus Christ. All right, I gotta get my head together, man. I got to do a show tonight in Reykjavik. Hey, and then I go on tour. I go on tour. And then I'm in Copenhagen, and then Stockholm, Sweden, and then fucking Oslo. And then I'm in fucking Helsinki, then I'm in Amsterdam, then I have a day off and then I end up in Tel Aviv. In Israel. All right. And you know, else is fucking patrolling these waters over here. All things, comedies, host of something's burning. The shirtless wonder. One of the most fun fucking people I've ever met in my life, Bert Kreischer. So definitely go out and check him out. As I believe I just saw a video of him, he just ended in Manchester, England.

And I guarantee you he's got a bunch of new friends out there. If any, if any city was waiting for fucking Bert Kreischer to show up, it's Manchester, England. But he's, he's going to be tearing through Scandinavia. So get your fitness goals, where they need to be, because you're about ready to see the fucking the machine, Bert Kreischer. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Info and for more on bmw.be