Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-3-23

Episode Date: April 4, 2023

Bill rambles about kindles, reptile scientists, and jaguars. Gametime:  Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code BURR for $20 off your first purchase. Indochino:  Go to www.Indochino.com and use code BURR to get 10% off any purchase of $399 or more. Zip Recruiter:  Go to www.ZipRecruiter.com/BURR to try Zip Recruiter today.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, April 3rd, 2020, Tree. What's going on and how are you? I'll tell you what's going on with me. I forgot today was Monday. I was literally on the plane, on an airplane. Coyote bitch is in heat. I was on the plane and I fucking said, wait a minute, I gotta do a part with the fuck. Today's Monday. Oh, Jesus. You know what happened was I did two shows last night, so that made it feel like it was Saturday night. In my head, it was Saturday night. But to everybody else, it was Sunday night and you guys all agreed. So today is in fact Monday. So my apologies for being late. I'm not going to apologize for what I did last night on stage for two shows in Ottawa, which was fucking murder.

Talking shit here. No, I had good shows. I felt really good about it. It was the perfect amount of silly that I needed. And the crowds were fucking amazing. I was up there in Ottawa, right? I flew in Friday because I was going to the Ottawa Senators versus the Toronto Maple Leafs on Saturday night. And like I mentioned before, I've been trying to go to a game up there forever. I was supposed to go at the Buddymine 11 years ago and unfortunately a friend of mine passed away. I had to go to the funeral. So that got put on hold and then years went by. I tried again and something else fucking came up. Ottawa. I could just never, you know, I was joking with them when I went on stage. You know, I said, hey, you know, it's nice to be in this city. Everybody skips.

If everybody does Montreal, then everybody goes over to Toronto hoping they're going to run into Drake at a Raptors game, right? And then they can fucking, you know, do that whole thing. Whatever that world is that I've never been in, you know? I was thinking about that. You know, somebody was talking about some shit that used to happen at the comedy store. I'm like, that never happened. That used to happen. I was like, where the fuck was I? I was there. Oh, Billy introvert. You know, it served me well, though. It has served me well. I just go in, I do my shows. I talk to myself before and after I'm on stage questioning everything that I do and then I get back in my car and I leave. It served me well. You know, like that guy that collects the numbers for the mafia back in the day and just minded his own fucking business. He walked over, he got the package, he went over, gave it to the other guy, they gave him the thing.

They doesn't know anybody's name. He doesn't look at anybody. That's just what he does. It was this little cog in a bigger wheel. That's how I've lived my life. I have never been the after party guy. It was, you know, even from when I was young, it was too fucking loud and I was too orange to be there. I mean, honestly, picture me in VIP at a nightclub with a full head of reddish orange hair. I mean, you know, thin as a rail questioning everything that I've done in the previous five seconds. Just imagine that vibe in a nightclub. It just, yeah, I was never that guy. I was more the sad sack dive bar. Let's go drink with some fucking retired merchant marines. For some reason, I always felt more comfortable there, which is, you know, it's not really a choice.

It's just sort of how you're made up. And I would have been the guy in the nightclub if a bunch of other shit didn't happen to me. But if that other shit didn't happen to me, I wouldn't have been a comedian. So that's the trade off, right? Did that land? Did I land on my feet on that one? I can't really type, but I was always like fucking after the shows. Where do you want to go? Where there's as little people as possible? Unless it was a sporting event. I'm in a fucking hotel room right now and there's a picture of somebody's fucking baby. Like, what is, what is, there's all of these books here. I'm going to do What's His Face? Who's Goddamn White Baby? Is that Kat Williams? It's one of my favorite clips of a movie ever.

That is fucking creepy. All right. There's a book here called Domestic Violets. Ooh, almost a dangerous, was almost dangerous. Three great American poets. Whitman, Dickinson, and Frost. All right. Well, I can tell you right now, if I had to choose between the two, I'm going with Domestic Violets. This fucking place is weird. Why would you have a picture of a fucking baby up there? That is so goddamn creepy. You know what this feels like? This feels like one of those fucking apartments that Jewish people had like hidden, you know?

That's what this fucking place feels like when you know when they do those fucking creepy things about Nazis. And then people that hit Jewish people during all of that time and these fucking heartless bastards fucking coming in trying to find people. I said that feels, I don't know why, because it's a black and white photo and it's like, who the fuck has a book of Walt Whitman? You know, sure. Maybe you have it on your Kindle. Somebody asked me that today, you know, because I'm reading this incredible book and which I can't name yet because it's not out yet. Holy shit, there's a woman in the window across the fucking way. What are we doing here in a dirty window? You know, is it bad if I assume she's a dirty woman? She's a man, she's a woman of the streets. I'm reading this incredible book, right? And another buddy of mine happens to be reading a book.

Wait, do I got a fucking balcony? Oh, it's a window. You know, these things aren't going to open up. You know what's the fucking worst? These goddamn suicide jumpers. Because they jump, none of the windows open up far enough, right? They don't open up far enough. You can't fucking get any goddamn air in here, you know? And then what if there's a fire? And I actually do need to fucking take a chance and jump. I can't do it anymore. Yeah, it's not what happened. I know what the fucking happened. Shut up, you stupid fire codes. You're not a fireman either, are you? If you are, you're sitting in front of your firehouse right now fucking smoking a cigar looking at the fucking ladies walking by, right?

And all the old timers are going, you know, back in the day we used to be able to harass them, you know, not anymore. So all this woke shit, you got to respect women, rolls his eyes, then goes back in the firehouse and stirs some chili. Anyway, so book, what was I talking about? He asked me, can I send you, he goes, are you a book guy or are you a Kindle guy? I said I'm a book guy. I go, I don't understand the Kindle. I've never understood the Kindle. You know, it's like, why do I, like a book is fine. It just works and it doesn't become obsolete where Kindle, I imagine at some point I got to get the new version and then I can't handle the speed of the new download of the fucking book. I always viewed a Kindle like it's like having like a, what did I say to my buddy?

It was like having like a fucking, a tablet for like a napkin holder was just completely like unnecessary. Like this works. It's like the fucking elevators. Look at me just bitching about nothing. The fucking elevators, right? You know those ones you go in those buildings and they try to figure it out. Hey, if you go in on the even floors, you push this one and then it tries to let you know what elevator's coming and you got to do all of this fucking math. It's like, can I just press up or down, have the fucking thing show up and then I'll just stand at the back of the elevator looking up at the ceiling. Can I just do that? Can I just fucking do that? Anyway, so I went into Ottawa, flew in there, connected through Toronto.

And I got to tell you something, man, the fucking, the technology is incredible in aviation. Like when we landed in Toronto, it looked like the ceiling was at like fucking 50 feet. I was like, we landed at night. It's like, I don't see anything. I don't see anything. And then I just saw the runway dead center. It's like, wow, amazing. And then we flew into Ottawa, sort of the same thing, not quite as bad. So anyway, I fucking land and one of the best things about Ottawa is they have this canal that they freeze. You know, it's one of the low key, like greatest things you could ever probably like bring your family to that like nobody knows about. Well, maybe not one of the great. It's one of the great things that I've seen.

You can skate along this canal. You freaked out at first, especially if you watch the Omen and you think you're going to go under the ice and everyone's going to be trying to save you and they can't. Then there'll be a raven laughing at you or whatever the fuck, right? But I was talking about this in the last podcast. It's only like, I mean, I think like two feet deep at the deepest place, right? But still, if you hit your head right, you know, there's always some old person saying that a long time ago, there was a guy, you know, he fell on his ass and he went through like, you know, when you tuck in a pocket square into your suit jacket, you know, he went, he went in like that. Ask first, like fucking breach birth, you know, he fucking is that breach birth? I always forget how that is. That's like those things that hang from the caves or come up from the floor.

I could never remember that concave convex, whatever. Ask first, and he went, he went right in like a fucking pocket square. And right before he went under, he banged the back of his head and he went underneath and the current was just at the right speed and the ice was just thick enough. He's still down there today. You know, the old people do that now. Like when I was a kid, that's what old people used to do. They used to scare the fucking shit out of you, just telling you stories of horrible things that happened to people. My grandmother used to do that. She used to just, she used to sit down on the couch and just tell horror stories. Remember, she said like one time there was a guy and, and, and, you know, he was coming to a stoplight and he didn't see it.

And he stomped on the brakes and he stomped on the brakes so hard that his leg went up into his body for the rest, the rest of his life. He like waddled around because his legs were uneven. And I was like, really? And she was like, yeah. I shouldn't be telling you guys this shit that I went up to my mother, right? I went, hey, mom, little, little Billy, little Billy fucking four years old. I was like, hey, mom, do you know one time there was a guy trying to stop and he stopped trying to his fucking leg went all the way up? I didn't say fuck. His leg went all the way up in his body and it stayed like that. And she just looked at me and she goes, who told you that?

And I said, grandma did. She goes, you don't listen to her. Don't listen to her. That was the first time I learned that adults weren't like, you know, sane. I'm not saying not all adults was like the first time I realized I just, you know, when you're a little kid, you just think adults know everything and what they say is true. And that's the first time I was I never forgot that. That was the first time somebody was telling me that another adult was full of shit. And I was just the concept of that like blew my little four year old mind like, wow, adults lie. You know, and then of course the 800 pound gorilla in the room was the Santa Claus fiasco, which never bothered me. That never bothered me.

My older brother told me he found out and then he just fucking told me and he was upset by it. He felt betrayed. Like it's what you guys are just fucking lying to me. Like he was old enough to understand. I wasn't. I was still young enough. Like I found out there was no Santa Claus at like six. So I didn't buy into it. Like I don't really even have any like recollection, I think really of believing in him. No, I would have believed in him by then. But it was only for like a couple of years. Like you ever like listen to a band and you're like just yeah, man, there's fucking ban.

You're like totally and you can't get enough of them. And then you just they just fade away. And then years later, the song comes on. You're like, oh my God. What the fuck have I ever had in this band? You're like, oh, they've been putting this been putting out an album like every year. Really? Yeah, they still tour. They're still. Wow. I had no idea. They're still to get all the original members. That's like what Santa Claus was for me. A couple of two, three years.

I actually have a picture of me sitting on Santa's lap wearing an OJ Simpson Buffalo Bill's jersey. It's my favorite fucking shirt I had. It was the juice, man. It's like an unstoppable 2000 yards in a 14 game season. Anyway, so I am here and I didn't even talk about the rest of Ottawa. So then we went to the Ottawa Senators Maple Leafs game. I finally get there. The Senators rolled out the red carpet.

You know, I bought tickets and somehow I think I mentioned on the podcast, someone from the team heard I was coming and they said, hey, you know, you want to trade those tickets out. You can sit in the owner's box. I was like, you know what? Yeah, I think I would. I usually don't do the box. I usually don't like sitting in the box. But there was something about like I was coming off three months of sitting on my ass being at home. And this is my first road gig and I was a little sad, you know, leaving my family. I was sad, not a little sad.

I was sad leaving my family and I was just like, yeah, man. I mean, I just thought maybe I'd just sit in a fucking box, you know. And I went there and it was it was the best. What do you call luxury box ever sat in because there was no buffer between you and the regular fans. They just build this little like three foot wall that anybody could just step over. In fact, I was sitting there. It was like I was on display and people coming by like, hey, Billy Red Tits. Fuck are you doing here?

I'm like, I got his show tomorrow night. It's all right if I get a picture. And I'm like, all right, just walk over. No partition. Nothing. You just sitting there like you ever see those those really sad backyards of English homes, those brick fucking ones right next to each other and all those people with their fucking hideous teeth. You know, there's always some guy with a green thumb fucking growing lilacs and potatoes for everybody.

It would look like that, but it wasn't depressing. There wasn't a bad seat in the house. The place can hold standing room like 20,000 people. Like I can't imagine that venue in a playoff game. So Otto was playing Toronto and I'm so out of the loop with everything that I got the kiddos. The greatest thing that ever happened to me other than meet my wife that gave me the kids. I mean, I helped out a little bit, right? I mean, I got the engine started there, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, so I guess it's the, what the fuck is with this couch? This whole fucking place, I swear. You know, I feel like I'm on the Titanic right now. We're probably gonna hit an iceberg. This is like a fucking, the HMS fucking Titanic suite. You know, remember that movie, the Leonardo DiCaprio one? And there was those two old people just like snuggling with each other. Which I think was the right move.

You know, they knew they were gonna drown. You might as well do it in a bed holding on to each other. You know that didn't happen. Somebody forgot their teeth and the other person after fucking 60 years of marriage was like fuck you. I mean, the will to survive. Like I would say this, an old married couple, like if it was to save their kid, they'd put their life on the line. But at the end of the day to save each other, they would, you know, that's a 50-50.

You know, because at the end of the day you guys are not related. And that's how that works. And that's sad. That's a sad story and I'm in a sad hotel room. So it's kind of like a sleigh bed and then they have this random like leopard printed chair here that looks like fucking, you know, something Cher would have. Wherever she, you know, collects herself in the morning. You know, like fucking celebrities always talk about that.

They always have a room for them to just, you know, get their head together. Why the fuck, if you have the kind of money to just have a room to get your head together, don't fucking tell people that. I swear to God, it's like, what do you just want people to hate you? Nobody wants to know that you have a meditation room. You fucking asshole. That's gotta be, oh, there's a matching other. That's more of a cheetah over there.

I like to think I know my big cats. It's terrible, man. What a fucking hotel. Just skins these beautiful animals and puts them on a fucking chair. So some woman of a certain age can still feel like she's got a little more vava woman or fucking who, huh? Is that what's going on here? I don't condone this. I'm just realizing nothing in this room matches.

This is like fucking, I feel like I'm in a leftover room. I'm just fucking with you. It's a nice hotel. What am I gonna do? It's New York City though. You can hear people building something across the street. I would just love to see a bunch of man bun construction, like millennial guys sitting on a girder, eating fucking lunch, you know, looking at their kindles. Sorry.

Anyway, so go to the game. Eat like a fucking king. Had a great time. I mean, literally center ice. Best view of a hockey game I've had since I can ever remember. Right? Fucking guy with the goddamn hammer. Can you stop with the progress?

What is this fucking guy doing? I mean, how many hits do you need to hammer the fucking thing in? Listen to this fucking guy. Oh, that's a machine. No, it isn't. It's a guy. He's got two hammers. Thank God.

There he goes again. When I be an asshole, if I yell down, hey, hey, what time are you off? I don't want to fucking listen to that all day. So the game, unfortunately, I think auto was like top four players were all hurt. And as much as that's a heated rivalry, I think Toronto's whole deal was like, hey, let's go in there. Let's not piss him off. No rough stuff. There was barely a hit in the game.

And Toronto won three to nothing. It was like fucking ton of Maple Leaf fans there. A ton of them. And I know like Ottawa is the capital of Canada for everybody who doesn't live in Canada. So it's like DC where there's a lot of like transient people or whatever. But like also I know trying to get a ticket to the Maple Leafs is fucking impossible. So they're like, well, we'll go see him when they play Ottawa. We'll go do the two hour fucking drive.

That's how rabid their fan base is. Like, you know, Maple Leafs fans, there's an argument out there that they're the best fans in sports considering they have not won. I'm going to be 55 in June. They have not won in my lifetime. They won the year before I was born. Oh, the curse of old Billy Red Tits. I came in and the whole thing shut down. They were neck and neck with the Montreal Canadians.

Canadians had like 15 cups or something and the Leafs had 13. They had so many fucking cups. I still think they're second all time and they haven't won in 55 years. That's how much they were crushing it right up until then. Anyway, you would think after 55 fucking years of not winning it and not only not winning it. They're like the old Red Sox. We're back in the day, you know, remember like Cubs fans. They used to try to make Cubs fans and Red Sox fans back when we were in our century long drought acting like we were like one in the same.

It's like nothing. We're not we're not fucking one in the same. The Cubs were every year were out of it by June. They just started the season and shit the bed for the most part. You had a couple of teams there in the 80s, but for the most part, they just sucked. They just fucking sucked with the Red Sox. Oh my God, we invented ways to lose. We're up 18 games with 19 games to go.

They've lost 19 in a row and it come the Yankees. It's a one game playoff. Here's a guy five foot nothing can barely hit it out of the infield. That's a deep drive to left field. Every fucking way one strike away. Single, single, single, single, single passball between the legs. Oh my God. I don't believe it.

I mean, when you have like Vince Scully scratching his head, all the baseball that guy'd seen. Yeah, we had every goddamn way to fucking lose. That's what the Maple Leafs do. They did everything but have the Babe Ruth of hockey and then like sell him somewhere else because somebody wanted to put up their version of Hamilton, whatever the fuck we did way back in the day. So anyway, the Maple Leafs do that. They were up three goals in a game seven against the Bruins, something like that. I was at that game.

Three games, three goals, three goal lead with like fucking six minutes left. All the Bruins fans leaving and I only hung around. I didn't think we were going to win. I just hung around to give dirty looks to the fucking Maple Leaf fans because I don't like when the fans of the other team take over your stadiums. That's the only reason why I stayed. Score Bruins, score Bruins, tied up Bruins over time. Score Bergeron, go fuck yourself. I mean, part of like the NHL playoffs now is watching Maple Leaf fans standing that awful footage they show every year.

It should come with a warning of them standing outside their fucking arena. For some reason, the game seven never seems to be in their arena and they're just standing outside the arena. There's all this excitement, the blue and white, the towels are going, everybody's jumping up and down, hugging each other. There's scoring goals that when it's somewhere about three quarters of the way through the second period, the first fucking skate drops. And then you just see it and the energy of the crowd shifts and it gets sadder and sadder and sadder and then all of a sudden they're losing and then people start leaving. And then they always have to, at the end, after they blow it and the other team celebrating and all their fans of the other team are going fucking nuts. They always cut back to outside Toronto's fucking arena and there's just a couple of stragglers slowly walking away on that little bluff where they stand. You would think that that would make them after a while at the very least not true.

But Red Sox fans, even when they would chant 1918, we went everywhere. I'm just saying they're fucking great fans. They really are. 100% respect for those sons of bitches. Why are they going to be sons of bitches? I don't know because I got intimacy issues. I don't like saying nice things to people. It fucking makes me feel weird. Can I do that? The canal didn't freeze over, though, this year. The first time in 75 years. I think 76 people told me that when I was there. I also went by to wrap this up here. I went by Dave's Drum Shop. I went online trying to do something healthy here because I'm in my 10 days of not being a shithead, drinking coffee and all of that type of stuff and smoking cigars and being an idiot. So I went up, me and Club Soda Kennedy took a walk from, I would say, like, probably near Parliament and we walked over this place, Dave's Drum Shop, because I went on his website and I could tell that it was an old school, like, Drum Shop. It just looked like he had all his shit and I went in there and it was just, this guy had everything.

If you're a drummer anywhere near Ottawa, you got to go to Dave's Drum Shop. The guy had literally everything. A zillion drum kits. He had drum kits set up that you could play. He had, like, the DW, the anniversary double pedal that I didn't even know was even out. Carbon Fiver. He had one of those V-drum electronic kits that looks like a fucking drum kit. Gratch Sonar, Ludwig, the Vistalites, mallets. He had fucking everything. A bunch of cymbals. It was like two stores jammed together. Drummer Heaven. I hope we made it out to the show. We left them a couple of tickets. All right. And with that. Oh, by the way, I got my first fucking caffeine headache from not drinking coffee. But I also drank coffee like a fucking animal the last day, March 31st. Listen to this. I made myself a cappuccino. I went to the airport. I got a double espresso. It tasted like shit. So I go, you know what? Let me get a cappuccino instead.

I had the double espresso there. So I took the double espresso and I poured it in the cappuccino and then I drank that. Yes, a quadruple shot cappuccino. Yes, it did taste like shit. I fucked it up. So I ordered another cappuccino just so I could get a good one because my flight was delayed, right? That's three cappuccinos, double shots in each and a double shot espresso. And then I get on the plane and of course it's an international flight. So God knows, you know, everybody else seems to know how to live. So they have a fucking cappuccino machine on there. And I was trying to lay off, trying to lay off. I was like, what am I, a fucking asshole? I got a lay flat bed. I'm not going to order a fucking cappuccino. So I ordered another cappuccino.

And because I'm a ginger, I just went, it doesn't affect me. And I went right to bed, went right to sleep in that lay flat bed, live flat bed, whatever the fuck you call it, and landed in Toronto. And I was actually laughing, just thinking to myself like, ah man, these poor fucking bastards that get addicted to caffeine and they get the fucking headaches and they get the withdrawals and all of that shit. So when I was at the game, the Ottawa Senators game, somewhere about in the third period I started getting a headache and I was going, oh fuck, am I getting sick? What the fuck is this? And then I started thinking like, oh wait a minute. I go, is this a caffeine withdrawal headache? And I looked it up. I go, how long does it take for a caffeine headache, you know, withdrawal to come in that said 12 to 24 hours. And it was literally 24 hours.

And I was like, oh, that's what it is. And then I had like all these negative thoughts. And I was all depressed and all of this shit. I'm going, what the fuck is this, you know? Am I just depressed because I'm on the road? Am I having a good time? I went to a hockey game. What the fuck's going on? I was laying in bed and the next morning I woke up, I felt fine. I was like, oh, well there you go, stupid. You drink five cappuccinos and a double espresso. Yeah, there's going to be a price to pay. Why is this fucking couch on wheels? I mean this whole thing, I feel like I'm out at sea. There's something about this place. It makes me feel like I'm on a ship. Oh, they got an old timey clock radio here. This is very, I feel like the stock market's about ready to crash.

Anyway, let's do some fucking advertising reads here, shall we, people? Oh, look who it is, everybody. It's all Zip Recruit, everybody. You know, if you were to start a business, a new business, what would it be? For example, a taco truck business, a bouncy castle slash backyard parties business, why would you ever do that? Oh my god, all those snot nose kids jumping up and down and then they bang heads and people try to sue you. Then you can't afford the air to blow it back up again. An animal rescue shelter, I love that. Some kind of charity, some kind of charity, somebody's going to need something. Selling handmade wood products.

Whether you're starting a new, selling handmade wood products, what is the fucking 1800s? Whether you're starting a new business or growing one, if you want to be successful, you need the most talented people on your team. That's where Zip Recruiter comes in. And right now, you can try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash birth. Got your eye on one or two people who'd be perfect for your job? Zip. Let's you send them a personal invite so they're more likely to apply. Zip. Also offers attention grabbing labels that speak to job flexibility like remote training provided, urgent, two hammers given to you to bang on a metal object outside of a hotel room.

And more to really help your job stand out. Fill out all your roles with the right candidates. Four to five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first fucking day. See for yourself, go to this exclusive web address to try it for free. ZipRecruiter.com slash birth. B-U-R-R. Again, that's Zip. B-U-R-R. Zip Recruiter. The smartest way to hire. Oh, look who it is, everybody. Indochino.

Look and shop. All wedding season long shouldn't be expensive. With the custom fitted suit from Indochino, you'll create a priceless, you'll create priceless memories without costing a fortune. That's great too because what if you get divorced, you know? More money in your pocket because you got an Indochino suit. Customize every detail on your suit, shirt, dinner jacket or more in a range of colors from a traditional black or gray to burgundy or olive to a classic Hemsworth Navy. How about a shout out for Indochino that they thought people would know what Hemsworth Navy is? I gotta get caught up on my, uh, it just sounds like some waspy shit to me. I keep you out playing polo and like know who the next president's going to be sitting there in your Hemsworth Navy suit. Every suit is made to your exact measurement and you can customize every detail.

Create a suit that fits you and your style perfectly with options for fabric, lapel shapes, custom monograms, statement linings and more. There's more than what more do you need? They also have tuxedo, started $5.7 an ad. Why rent when you can buy a custom tux you can re-wear for years to come? Especially, especially if you're friends with a whore who's going to get married a whole bunch of times. You don't have to keep fucking, you know, just renting the tux. Just get the $5.79 tuxedo, right? And then you get in shape each time, you know, so you make sure that it fits. Get a superior wardrobe personalized to your style and taste without the luxury price tag.

Explore their relaxed yet refined approach to spring suits with their new spring fabrics. RSVP, knowing you've got the perfect look, look, look, perfect look all wedding season long from Indochino. Go to Indochino.com, I-N-D-O-C-H-I-N-O.com and use Code Burr to get 10% off any purchase of $3.99 or more. One more time, sing with me, I-N-D-O-C-H-I-N-O.com, promo code Burr. Oh, look who it is, everybody. Hey, everybody, look who it is. It's game time. Game time, everybody. Buying tickets to your favorite events shouldn't be stressful. Game time is the fast and easy way to buy tickets for all sports, music, comedy, and theater near you, with killer deals on last minute tickets and their best price guaranteed.

Oh, that's perfect. The couple has a fight. Good. Fuck it. I don't want to go with you either. That's when game time swoops in and buys up those tickets and passes the savings on to you. Thank God there's heartbreak across the other side of the city because now you've got mezzanine tickets. You can stop stressing over tickets and start getting hyped for the fun you'll have. Game time is the place for last minute tickets. The game time guarantee means you'll always get the best price. If you find tickets in the same section of row for less, hey, game time. Well, credit you 110% of the difference.

That's some fucking confidence right there. It's the fastest growing ticketing app in the country for a reason. Get images of your seat before you buy so you know exactly what to expect when you arrive. Tickets are sent directly to your phone so you never have to dig through your email. You don't have to look at some fucking miserable bastard on the other side of a ticket window. It just goes right to your phone. Snag the tickets without distress with game time. Download the game time app.

Create an account and use code BR for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem with code BR to get $20 off. Download game time. Today, last minute tickets, lowest price guaranteed. All right. I mentioned earlier that there was a canal that goes around Ottawa and it didn't freeze over. You know, but some stupid bastard fucking tried to walk across it.

You know, and as we pulled up to the venue, there was like fucking four firetrucks and three police cars. I don't know what happened. This person saw a little icy patch. They tried to cross it and, you know, seemed a little bit overkill. I mean, how many fucking firetrucks do you need to fish one fucking fatty out of a goddamn two foot river? You know, that's how much they care up in Canada. If that was America, the guy'd still be laying there doing a live Instagram. You guys, this is just like typical, okay?

I'm still waiting for the first responder. Hell, I would settle for a second responder at this point. All right. Let me do the reads here at this point. Bill, great emails. Okay. Let's see what we got here. From a reptile scientist.

I was saying, oh, I don't like reptiles. Yeah, they're fucking frightening. Just emotionless. Dear Billy Bower Constrictor, on Monday's podcast, you spent eight minutes shit talking reptiles. No, I didn't. I said, it was like 30 seconds. There's no fucking way I talked eight minutes about reptiles. That's pretty big talk coming from a red hairy mammal cunt.

Reptiles are really cool. They're over 300 million years old. Oh my God, am I on a tour to zoo? Jesus Christ, show us the gorillas. I don't give a fuck that it can change colors and that its eyeballs can go in two different directions. It's got enough poison to fucking kill five elephants. They're fantastic. But is it happy?

Oh, look, it's taking a sip of water. This is very rare. Anyway, they're over 300 million years old, have lived with the dinosaurs, and will likely outlive humanity. So what? So will the Illuminati. I mean, I wouldn't mind seeing them in a cage if they exist. They are personable, care for their young and exhibit complex social structures and calls. Look at you breaking down stereotypes.

They also provide valuable ecosystem services such as eating pests, insects. All right, that's a big plus. All right, maybe I was wrong. Build habitat for other animals and can survive almost totally freezing. Also, they haven't ruined the earth like humans have. Oh Jesus Christ, you didn't have to go that far. You have to go to humans. You can fucking say anything.

Anything is better than a human being at this point. You know what? You had me with the fucking mosquitoes, and then you had to bring up the fucking... You're a human too. You fucking scientist cunt. So fuck you. You graduated cylinder and you're fucking white lab coat. You've been living in your ego since you got that fucking coat, buddy, and nobody cares.

Do you accidentally air quote, accidentally leave it on when you go across the street for a cup of coffee so everybody knows you're a scientist? You know? Maybe if you had a heart, you'd be working with mammals. Fucking cold-blooded son of a bitch. No, you brought up a lot of good points. I have a new fond respect for reptiles. They still freak me out, you know? Although when I went to Australia, it was a goal of mine to see a tie pan.

And I went to the zoo, and I did see it take a drink of water. And everybody was like, oh, it's good to take a drink of water. All right, that's it. Fuck you and your mammal... Mamel-ness. P.S., I saw you in Chicago three years ago. You were okay. Best from Milwaukee.

I probably was only okay. Okay, okay, all right. Okay, baby, all right. All right, gun take. Oh, by the way, here's a couple of things that I fucking drive me nuts on the internet. The internet is every time there's a video of a predator killing prey, and you watch the video. There always has to be some douche in the contest.

This is just nature being nature. I mean, I know this is hard for a lot of you to watch. They always paint themselves as they're the ones that can handle the harsh realities of life, because they can sit at home and watch some fucking ferret get eaten by a goddamn bobcat or whatever the fuck happens out there, right? And you can sit there in your camo pants with your dumb laptop, you know, with your Ted Nugent sticker on it. Fucking sit there talking to me like I don't understand this is nature being nature.

I love when human beings like see something that is just something that they could not deal with on any shape or form without a fucking weapon, and then they have to take it upon themselves to be the hero to explain it to all the rest of us who live in cities. Like, you know, this is just nature being nature. And then there always has to be one stupid fucking pussy be like, oh, I feel bad for the deer. And then they always be like, fuck you snowflake. How'd you enjoy your fucking burger today, man? Where the fuck do you think that came from?

It's just so fucking stupid. Like somebody sent me something the other day. It was, you know, Richard Nixon, the dumbass records himself, right? And of course, the tapes get out, right? How funny is it that I'm literally recording myself saying that he's a dumbass for a court? Well, at least he, see, Nixon was the original podcaster. He just didn't know he was doing a show. So he was just going off on gay people.

And he thought that Meathead on all in the family was gay, and that they were promoting the gay lifestyle and that that destroys society. It was just some wildly ignorant shit. And I swear to God, the fucking, the fucking people in the comment section. I mean, the guy's not wrong. I read about fucking, I don't know, 57 comments and they were all saying this guy was a great president and he's 100% right about homosexuality. He said that the reason why the Roman Empire fell was because the last,

whatever, six emperors were gay. It was one of the dumbest things I've ever heard in my life. And just watching all those people like, oh, yeah, this guy's hitting the nail right on the head, unless they're Russian bots. It's like, I'm literally to the point, if somebody tells me they're a Democrat, or if they tell me that they're a Republican or whatever, all I hear is I'm a fucking moron. Yeah, it's not the Federal Reserve. It's not corporations.

It's not political corruption. It's gay people. That's what ends, that's what ends empires. If those last six dictators were just out there fucking broads, the Roman Empire would still exist. Isn't that obvious to all of you guys? It was the stupidest shit I've ever heard in my life. I mean, I get Nixon saying it fucking 50 years ago.

I mean, the guy fucking grew up in a covered wagon for Christ's sake. It's like, all right, I get that. But the fact that like in 2023 people are like, yup, that all tracks. I would say, yeah, I would say it's a tie right now. This ruining my country is the Federal Reserve and the Internet. I would say those are the two things that are ruining it. It's kind of weird how people are like so accepting of the fucking Internet and all the fucking like beheading videos and the fucking porn and all of this shit.

It's just wild. Like how much they censor everything else and the Internet is just completely fucking wide open. And I really think it's like a big experiment for all these governments to just watch you and see where you gravitate to so they can just spy on you and build like a profile. Like, all right, you know, he likes sports videos. He jerks off to this. He likes cars. All right, next person.

All right, they're into baking. Like that paranoia, you have to have information. Like when I went through customs up in Canada, it's like I gave him my passport. The passport has a fucking microchip in it. And I get in the passport. He goes, can you stand here so we can take a picture of you? It's like, why don't you just start building my robot replacement in front of me? But I've just gotten to the point where I'm just like, you know, I'm at that age where like, you know,

once you have like your second colonoscopy, you just kind of become complicit. It's like, I don't have ass cancer. I don't give a fuck. Whatever. I don't give a shit. You want to make a robot me? I get it. Who gives a fuck?

All right, gun take. Hey, Bill, I'm a lifelong Democrat. Oh, Jesus. He's a fucking moron. Well, back in the day, maybe there was some sort of difference between the parties. I don't know if there ever was. Who knows? Hey, Bill, I'm a lifelong Democrat, albeit I'm holding onto it by a thread.

I'm pro-choice and I'm a gun owner. Hey, that's me. I'm not a gun owner, but I don't mind people having guns. I just don't think idiots should be able to get a fucking machine gun easily. But for some reason, people who want to buy a machine gun, I don't want to have to fucking wait an extra line. So a school doesn't get shot up. You can't wait an extra week.

Nope. And what if the tyrannical tyranny of the government I needed to defend myself against? That's another one. That ship sailed somewhere around World War II with the weaponry that the government has. You're finished. I don't give a fuck how many guns you have. Some nerd in Arizona will fly a fucking drone to your house in Tennessee and wipe you and your guns out before you even know what the fuck happened.

It just is. It is what it is. I don't know. I think we're just, at this point, we're going to a terminal velocity heading towards a fucking wall. I'm a gun owner. I think you take last, you'll take last week was very measured. Yeah, it's called having respect for people, especially because I don't know shit about guns. So I'm not going to lecture people that have guns.

What I would do is ask people that have guns what they think the solution is. But the problem is, is these fucking idiots on the left always have to, you know, talk down to gun owners, which makes them close off fucking, fucking, second amendment. They do that shit. Everybody's just yelling fuck you with each other, sticking your lower jaw out. Anyway, I'm more concerned with gun protection than anything else. It's impossible for any government to keep track of every gun and where it's going. Getting guns illegally is actually harder for the average disgruntled postal person that it is for a lifelong criminal.

All right, I'm not the smartest guy. I got to read that again. Getting guns illegally is actually harder for the average disgruntled postal person that it is for a lifelong criminal. Okay, I would agree with that. I would think I would know where to get an illegal gun. I'm just a disgruntled comedian, though. I'm pro background checks as well. I just don't think the government should be in charge of taking away guns because clearly they abuse power.

Okay, I don't have a problem with that. My brother in way more conservative slash libertarian than me and he can go for hours about why background checks would be an issue. And despite the fact that he makes some good points, I'm sick of seeing all these shootings and want to see something happen. I was saying for people that like those assault weapons, what is their solution? How do you make it harder for that idiot that shot up the schools? Because that person was a fucking idiot with mental problems. I don't know anything about the... I just looked at the person's face and I'm like, if you just had one hurdle, I don't think that person could clear it.

If you were fucking sane, I think you could. You could still get your weapon and that other idiot wouldn't and then those kids wouldn't be dead and you would have your weapon. And then what's the fucking problem? I can tell you in aviation, one of the first things that the first time may take you up are that they're talking to you. They're not just talking to you. They're looking at you. They're kind of doing a little psychological breakdown because you're going to be flying above people's houses. So they got to kind of look at you.

It's not the most harsh thing, but they had background checks with everything. So I don't know. Anyway, that's probably a bad example as always. It's a way... Anyway, where am I here? Background checks. I'm sick of all seeing all these shootings and want to see something happen. Well, I would love it if these 24-hour news networks would not make such giant stories out of it

to make money off of the misery of these people and keep giving these lunatics like this is their way to get their face on TV before they flame out of their miserable life. Anyway, it's way too easy to get a machine gun. People who live in the country rightfully don't understand this because it's usually suburb and city people who lose their shit. I appreciate you asking honest questions and not being inflammatory despite the fact that I don't agree with you on some of the points you made. For all the younger listeners, that's how America used to be.

All right. Well, that was very Bill Clinton. It was nice what you said, and you didn't answer my question. I was just asking a question. Oh, look at this. Centrist fuck. Oh, this is the liberals who have a name for everybody who doesn't agree with them. Centrist fuck.

Oh, Billy, both sides strikes again. Jesus fucking Christ, stop trying to fool us every week by trying to an everyman's thinking man. This guy was so mad he couldn't even fucking stop trying to fool us every week by trying to an everyman's thinking man. You think picking a side is an issue because you need to sell tickets in every market. Whoa, they built a whole narrative here. Your level of cringe last week was unbelievable. We, this is like him speaking for everybody. We know what you're doing week in and week out.

You can corroborate this by reading the comment sections once in a while. Well, why would I do that? I don't give a fuck what you think. Do you think I would get anywhere in life if I actually read comments? All right, here's one for people who don't go around labeling everybody. Centrist fuck. Jesus, who taught you that word, buddy? Who taught you centrist?

Pick a side so I can either like you or get mad because there's only two sides in every argument. It's like what a fucking, it's just so it's so not adult behavior. Like this guy sent like first of all, he starts the subject of his email is centrist fuck. Okay, and what's funny is his goal is he wants me to hear what he has to say. So what does he do in the beginning? He insults me. Like how dumb is that? And then this guy wants me to read comments by him and that people agree with him.

And like this is how dumb you are. Yeah, you're, you're, listen, you're not going to get anywhere and nobody's getting anywhere. Just going around insulting people and not trying to understand people. Okay, what I'm doing is not just staying in the middle. What I'm doing is like actually understanding that I don't have all the information. I don't know shit about guns. And I know that people on both sides don't want what happened at that school to happen. Okay, but I'm smart enough to know that walking around going, hey, you centrist fuck is not going to get us anywhere.

All right. And as far as like all of that shit about whatever the fuck you're talking about. This is how I sell tickets on say on the road buddy is I put out good specials. That's all I focus on is trying to make my special just a little bit better than the last one. Sometimes I do it. Sometimes I don't, but I'm always trying. That's what I need to do not fucking picking aside on gun control. All right.

You non centrist fuck. Okay. Well, you can see we didn't get anywhere on that one. All right. Big cats and movie wreck. Hey, old Billy Bombaro. My wife and I actually think, let me go back to this guy. What I think this guy is actually doing is he's completely avoiding the question that I asked.

I asked for a solution from people that want to buy those guns. That's all I fucking asked. And you didn't do any of that. And then you attacked me, called me some names and then came up with some marketing scheme that evidently I'm doing and evidently everybody knows it. Oh my God. Everybody knows it. All right. Big cats and a movie recommendation.

Hey, Billy Bombaro. My wife and I run some camera traps, AKA motion sensor cameras in the jungle near our home in Costa Rica. Are you expats? Are you natives down there? And again, a lot of wild cat species passing by, including pumas, ocelots and margay gays. I don't know what those last two are. In eight years, we've only gotten a single jaguar and we hope to see it again someday as they are such a badass animal and an indicator of truly wild places. Dude, that is one animal I would not want to run into.

Jaguars are fucking Mike Tyson in the 80s, just unbeatable. I mean, the fact that they go under the water with the fucking alligator, they come out victorious. Unreal. Anyway, when you recently talked about the otter versus the jaguar fight video, we were cracking up at the way you pronounced the word jaguar and wanted to help you out. Jaguar? Hermano. There's an R. I'm from Massachusetts.

I don't use those on the end of the world. Am I supposed to say jaguar, like they say in the commercial? Jaguar. It's in there. It just trails off. It's easy. It goes down like a smooth bourbon. And unless you're some townie barskank from Revere, you shouldn't be calling it a fucking jaguar.

Well, I am from that neck of the woods. I was more south shore in American English. It's pronounced. I can't even say it's he's saying J. A. Das G. W. A.

R. Jaguar. Yeah, but you don't have what, which one do I inflect? Jaguar. Hey, what's going on? You want to take a ride in my Jaguar? I feel like that white guy in the news. Remember that sketch on SNL where they would like get to the, uh, pronouncing the, uh, the Latino city or whatever.

And they would just go into this whole fucking accent with the second syllable sounding like the name of the band. Jaguar. I'm going to say Jaguar. I'm going to say it the way I say it. If there's a bunch of you guys are saying all of these different ways, why can't I say it the way I say it? All right. Jaguar. Um, also check out the 1982 movie, The Gray Fox, which my dad recently turned us onto.

It stars Richard Farnsworth as an old stagecoach robber who gets out of prison and has decided and has to decide what to do in a world that has changed since he went in. It was such an awesome movie and we are pretty sure you will love it. All right. I will check that out. I like how you spent like fucking nine paragraphs ripping apart the way I pronounced that fucking word like any of that's going to stick. All right. I say it the way I said, I'm too, I'm, I'm too old to change. All right.

Too old to change a new Netflix series starring Billy Red Tits. Uh, I've stuck, I've struck gold and don't know how to proceed. Hey, Bill Nye, the science burr. I'm a 22 year old software engineer working for a defense contractor. I was just accepted to a theatrical computer science master's program at an Ivy League school. I don't even know what that is, but Ivy League school. That's amazing. Uh, my current employer would pay for it, but I need to work full time while I did it.

Likely we'll be pushing 80 to 100 weeks for the next two or three years. Oh, 80 to 100 hour weeks for the next two to three years. Truthfully unpetrified. I would love to enjoy my fleeting youth and travel date, explore, et cetera. I know, however, that these types of opportunities come up very rarely and I should be beyond grateful. Dude, I mean, I can't even say Jaguar. I don't know what to do with this. I mean, I'm a meathead.

I just look at, I don't fucking do that. I don't walk 80 hundred hours a week. What am I a fucking astronaut? I don't want to do anything for 80 to 100 hours a week other than fucking sit and stare at the wall. Um, I come from a very blue collar immigrant family. So the fact I've made it this far is a miracle. Oh Jesus, you got the pressure of the family. I would hate to burn myself out in my early twenties.

How do I strike a balance or is it better to blast through the uncertainty and see what happens? I thought a bald, illiterate ginger comedian would be the best person to get my advice from. Much loved you and your family. All right, you got a sense of humor. I say you go for it because you can always say, you know what, this wasn't for me. And, uh, and then you would have done it and you wouldn't have any fucking regret. So, um, yeah, give it a shot. This is what you want to do.

I would give it a shot, uh, as much as I'm sitting there going like, I don't want to do 80 to 100 hour weeks. I drove 80 to 100 fucking hours a week. I felt like when I was trying to make it as a comic, so you do have to make sacrifices and whatnot. Um, but don't do it at the price of your own happiness. That's what I would say because as much as it was a grind to make it as a comedian, I did enjoy it. And it was an absolute thrill. And there was so many times, no matter how bad the show was, like, I couldn't believe that I was actually a comedian at one point. It kind of hits you like, uh, I don't have a day job anymore.

I am a comedian. I got to get some gigs and then sometimes you get frustrated with the business. But then you step back like, I'm a fucking standup comedian. I actually, you know, can feed myself, clothe myself and pay my rent telling jokes. That's fucking amazing. So, um, this is what you really want to do. I mean, I don't think the 80 to 100 hours a week will bug you. But if they do and you really don't like it, you know, sometimes you try, I tried a bunch of shit out and then found out that I didn't like it.

And then I ended up finding what I did like. So I would go for it. It sounds like a hell of an opportunity. It sounds like you want to do it. You don't necessarily get a good sense of humor. So I think that'll help you out a lot. And you can always pull the ripcord if you don't want it afterwards, right? Why don't we just keep saying the same thing fucking over and over again?

Sorry. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check it on you on Thursday.