Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-4-11

Episode Date: April 4, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about Mom's, Adam and Eve, and Dinosaurs.

4m traditions and customs, but it cannot be changed so long you Square fresh out enjoy Pace and Ramadan with the amazing and diverse assortment of Albert Heijn And also check out the second episode of TheTVworld in the small shop You'll find out what Albert Heijn did freshHub bicycling Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrds, the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday April 4th, 2011

or 2011 as I saw it so succinctly put this weekend by the great comedian Pat Nozwell that's how he said it, he was on stage, I was doing a show with him, the Kevin and Bean April Foolishness show and I noticed at some point at the Gibson Ampitheater, by the way formerly known as the Universal Ampitheater

for Blues Brother fans, you might recognize that name, right? Remember that? Good evening ladies and gentlemen Welcome to the Universal Ampitheater Here it is, something something going on 1985 so much music here today, it's pre-programmed electronic disco that's where the fuck they did that, they were opening for Steve Martin at the height of Steve Martin's career when he had the white suit with the bow and arrow going through it so that's the second year in a row I've got to do that wonderful program

show, performance, whatever the fuck you call it and it was an awesome night of comedy but there was something learned and all the filth and funnery that I saw that night was Pat and said 2011 so that's how I'm saying it for the rest of the year because I can't say 2011, I have to slow down 2011, 2011 see it runs together, 2011

and suddenly everybody in the room relaxes hey, we're with a friend, we thought that that redheaded guy was you know, who's left-handed, some of the times was a spawn of the devil, you know that's what they used to think about redheads and people who wrote with their left hand so basically, if it was still the 1800s I would be getting the shit slapped out of me

and one of those fucking schools, you know that they used to have on Little House in the Prairie where you had grades two through eight all sitting in the same room tell me there wasn't inappropriate behavior going on there you know, you're a senior in high school, right all of a sudden the freshman girls come in there's always one pervert and your grade would descend

onto someone who was basically a fucking child at that point you can't tell me back in the day, in the 1800s when people got married at 14 so they could pool together their shillings so they could go buy a fucking plot of land in some oxen huh, you're telling me some eighth grader wasn't rolling up on a fourth grader you know, like some Catholic fucking pre-ass

I'm gonna start that goddamn debating it speaking of which hey, you know what, for some reason the theme to Laverne and Shirley's in my head today we're gonna do it I think that's been in my head before maybe once in a while, TV that I watched way too much back in the day

pops into my head but anyways, getting back to the Catholic church thing somebody sent me a little Bible thing said the dinosaurs are called behemoths in the Bible and about outer space aliens, ships, space ships, abductions is talked about in Ezekiel 1 and these are from

in the King James Bible now, after all these years of trash in the Bible I've never mentioned to you guys that I haven't even read the fucking thing oh, I've tried I've tried to read the thing but it's all he saideth unto youeth and then the fucking Polynesians said to the Persians

I mean, I can't get through it it's like trying to read Shakespeare but as far as I remember going to church they said that, you know, Earth was created in six days, on the seventh day God rested and I created an Adam and Eve and they were in Eden hanging out, right?

then all of a sudden you know, he lays down some rules he says, hey listen, you guys are in paradise I just don't want you to go over there and eat an apple off of that fucking tree you know, is that so goddamn hard to not eat a piece of fruit? who gives a shit?

it's fruit no one wants to eat fruit or kids whose parents are making them eat them okay, vegetarians and some 50 year old Wall Street guy who just suffered his third heart attack then maybe he'll have a fucking apple so he doesn't die

but other than that, how easy is it not to eat an apple, right? but Eve, the stupid fucking whore that she is you know, you're not going to tell me I can't do something and because she's abroad and you can't punch her in the face what does she have to worry about?

who the fuck is this god guy to tell me I can't go out and have an apple so what does she do? she marches right over there with the pubic hair blowing in the fucking wind because there's no shame at this point because there's been no sin

everything's great you can walk around and go pedachita it doesn't immediately, or a leopard it doesn't immediately grab you by the throat fucking snap your neck and then drag you up in a tree so the lions can't get to it or somebody else, maybe a fucking baboon

you know, with its psycho god damn teeth do you know, let's one of the fucking major adversaries for a leopard is a fucking baboon I never knew that shit they got those giant teeth who would have known you know, very agile

left to right sort of movement like a water bug these insane things but hey, let's get back to the bible as far as I remember it, right? so there goes Eve, you know walking up to the fucking apple tree like some one of those victorious secret whores

walking down the first fucking runway although she's not wearing heels she's just walking and she never steps on a Brock doesn't step on some glass from a broken mill a light bottle because she's in paradise

she walks right over there and some snake starts yeah, that's what happens some snake starts yapping in her ear like some douche on Facebook who finds your wife and her semi-hot pictures starts emailing her, right?

Wormin is way into the relationship so this whore goes up and what does she do? she reaches up and she takes a bite of fruit she eats an apple as far as I've been told part of this nutritious breakfast

part of a balanced diet she eats a fucking apple maybe she wanted to be regular, right? so she eats the apple and then God goes what the bitch, what the fuck did I do? the one thing I say not to do and you gotta go do it

go fuck yourself that's the end of paradise the next thing you know she's putting a leaf over a fucking clam alright? Adam's over there he didn't do shit but evidently he gets punished too

because it's religion you know? the punishment never has to make sense it just has to be really fucking scary so now they're both fucked now all of a sudden the leopards want to fucking take a bite out of their ass so they gotta get sharpened sticks

and all this type of shit alright? and according to the bible all of this that happened like fucking a couple hundred thousand years ago and then one day some nerd who's not getting pussy he's so fucking hard up

he just starts digging in the ground you know? he's got all that sexual frustration he just keeps digging in the ground and one day he finds these dinosaur bones that are way fucking older than the Adam and Eve story so it kind of kills the whole goddamn thing

now that as far as I know is the story in the bible how the bible goes down and that's why people on the science side question the bible like I said I haven't read it alright? so people who've read it

can you give me the cheat notes or are you bible thumpers out there who think the bible is the best book ever fucking written aside from the fact that when it was written they still thought the fucking world was flat they thought if you were gay you go to hell

and all that other intolerant horseshit in there but you know I never read the fucking thing so you know let me know because this guy's trying to acclaim trying to acclaim trying to claim that they address dinosaurs in the bible

calling them behemoths which is amazing considering we never discovered the fucking bones until after the book was written so how does that work? was that when God was a burning bush and all the fish was coming out of the basket and he just sort of muttered something about behemoths

and nobody understood it but it was God so they just wrote it down anyways is that what you're going to claim? oh Jesus oh Jesus who can turn their world on with her tits what did I want to talk about this week

how about the Bruins Bruins making the fucking playoffs I'm predicting that the Bruins will once again make it to the eastern conference finals and then what's going to happen I'll tell you what's going to happen is they're not going to go any further I don't know

I'm just going to say that because hopefully they'll prove me wrong who knows we got a great goalie you know what's scaring me is fucking Carrie Price up in Montreal has been playing fantastic alright and for some reason when the Bruins have a great goalie it only gets us so far

but those sons of bitches up there with Ken Dryden Patrick Wah back in fucking 93 when they went on that implausible run won like 19 overtime games one of the great runs at winning the Stanley Cup of all fucking time who knows

I don't know I think the Flyers will beat them the Flyers never seem to have a problem with the Canadians they don't give a fuck alright they're just going to punch you in the face anyways hey listen to this shit you know something what happened to me twice this week is people just they don't hear what the fuck I'm saying

this is the classic thing when you're doing stand-up comedy you stand on stage and you tell a bunch of jokes and everybody laughs everybody's having just a great time and then all of a sudden you come around to a subject that touches a little close to somebody's life and all of a sudden you're not telling jokes anymore now you're making statements

well lo and behold once again this happens I don't know if you guys are aware of this but my let it go special is now up on Netflix the unedited version the version that I wanted the world to see but that dream was crushed because on Comedy Central they have advertisers and that's how they make their money

which I respect so then you know they got to cut out some jokes they got to start doing the Morse code because they say fuck every other word and then yada yada yada it's on Netflix now it's on Netflix and you can watch that son of a bitch

completely unedited so please tell your friends please tell your family tell some of your enemies so anyways so some woman evidently watched this watched my special my stand-up comedy special the one where I go on and act like an ass

and I'm telling jokes just to make you laugh just to fucking appease my ego so anyways this lady starts off and she says offended by your stay-at-home mom bit she starts off

hi obviously I'm a stay-at-home mom why is that obvious because you said you're offended by my stay-at-home mom bit why couldn't you be just a supporter of stay-at-home moms oh I'm being a cunt

right out of the gate let's read this she starts off hi obviously I'm a stay-at-home mom and I love watching stand-up but I couldn't continue watching you based on your bit about stay-at-home moms you know I love about it it's an hour long special

and I think I opened with that joke or it was literally within the first five minutes and she had to shut it off she says I'm really sorry you feel that way about stay-at-home moms that's one of my pet peeves is when someone's about ready to take the piss out of me

I hate when they apologize okay you're not sorry you're not sorry that I feel that way you fucking hate me because I feel that way alright stop apologizing oh god my voice is cracking stop apologizing

alright anyway she goes if it weren't for us there would be no one to drill holes to do all the other important jobs that you mentioned alright if it weren't for you

what do you just fucking meditate and you make a person you self-centered fucking whore can you believe she just took credit for the creation of babies 100% credit what about the guy who fucking sticks it in you

huh I'm getting close what about that part of it there wasn't some hairy sweaty man pounding away at your fucking womanhood two completion

I might add a number of times during the course of a month two months possibly three months if you got you know if you got some sort of issue down there for some reason you're I don't know what the fuck I never try to do it but I know

all the time we're trying to get pregnant but we're having a difficult time it's not the fucking part it's the impregnation part she's just totally taking away all of that that evidently that she just sits there and all of a sudden she's pregnant kind of like that chick in the bible

hanging out with that fucking hippie bum Joseph right he's sitting over in the corner with his vaporizer hey man looks like you're putting on weight man

you gotta lay it off the Doritos man all of a sudden she's fucking pregnant so evidently this broad she's taking full credit full credit for getting pregnant completely ignoring the man's part of it

I'm getting close that's that's the noise I make when I climax by the way I make a I announce to the female in a really high pitch voice sort of a whiny voice I'm getting close

and then I put my mouth right next to her ear and I go that's how it goes down in my world some of the most soft more humor I've ever done and right now there's a bunch of guys laughing and there's a bunch of females with their nose all wrinkled up

you listen to this is what you think is funny yes bitch this is what I think is funny I want you to go back out in the kitchen and finish making potato salad alright the 4th of July is coming up um it makes no sense okay and if it weren't for us

there would be no one drilling holes and do all the other important jobs that you mentioned I didn't say they were important I didn't say those jobs were important you didn't even listen to the bit I'll continue reading here I said Oprah said that being a mother is the most difficult job

on the planet if she said it's the most important job I would have gone with her but she said it was the most difficult job that's that right there was the seed of the bit that I created okay just like you

creating the fucking kid but I don't feel like I created the joke on my own it took Oprah by saying by saying that it was the most difficult job on the planet alright that was her climaxing into my

joke pussy that's disgusting anyways so now I think everybody is wrinkling their nose so here we go so she continues after not even hearing what I'm saying and she said and the reason you stay in your pajamas all day

that was a line I said talking about women is because you don't have one minute to change try taking a shower and putting on clothes on with children screaming and crying at the shower door

it's 24-7 it never stops you don't click a time card you never get off work it's 24-7 you have absolutely no idea until you're in it I made a lot of money in my career I was born motherhood

I earned my MBA and other degrees I've lived and worked abroad motherhood is the hardest job I've ever done I've never said it's not the hardest job that you've ever done okay alright but I'm willing to bet

that you've never done a job harder than working on a fucking oil rig in the middle of the ocean alright sweetheart being a mom is not more difficult than working on an oil rig in the middle of the fucking ocean how about that guy out there who worked on one

and it fucking blew up he's got second degree burns on his back they're going to turn into third degree burns and then he's eventually going to explode into flames so his only option is to jump basically the equivalent of a three story building

he jumps off it with his raw burned up back into the salt water of the ocean also now covered in oil he's covered in oil with second degree burns in salt water okay he can barely fucking breathe the fucking ocean is catching on fire

because of the oil that's on the surface of the water he has to swim out of that get out into the ocean but not get too far away because he wants to get rescued now he's got to sit there treading water hoping he doesn't get eaten alive by sharks or

drown or die I don't know what else while he waits for the coast guard to come and pick him up now you tell me all the mothers out there I want you to explain to me a day that was more difficult than that and not only that all this woman is doing

is talking about the negative aspects of being a mother she's not talking about how rewarding it is you don't get unconditional love from a fucking oil rig it's not going to be sitting there at your death bed holding your fucking hand telling you that you know the oil rig is everything it is today

because of you as a person give me a fucking break alright and also you made the choice to become a mother by letting that guy get on top of you of getting clothes right

typical fucking broad it's your fucking idea anyway she continues so offensive and so totally wrong it's disgusting this is precious time to me in the evening well I didn't fucking ask you to email me good lord what a fuck she

this is a mother look at her working with the guilt this is precious time to me in the evening you were watching a stand up special that was going to take a whole fucking hour you shut it off I'm gonna take a few minutes into it that gives you an extra 53 minutes

to write two paragraphs that's so full of shit so anyways now she's trying to make me feel guilty like I'm taking away from her fucking day another thing this is precious time to me in the evening when I can be taking a shower read or watch a show

and recharge for the next day wait a minute you just told me that being a mom it never stops it never ends here you are chilling out wanted to take a shower read or watch a show

and recharge for the next day Jesus Christ she goes on maybe later tonight when one of my children get up I'm not on Facebook I don't waste any time on the computer and I don't complain about things but this was so offensive

that I made time for this email thank you for taking time out of your day your unbelievably 24-7 day and you just had to say something then this is awesome this is how she ends her email she says very disappointed

Jamie okay so this is what I love about this this woman is obviously gonna be a great mom okay she's dedicated to it she's walked away from her MBA career and all that type of shit okay

but what you can see here is the resentment that's already building because she's already throwing out guilt onto everybody that's what I love about mothers no one told you to become a mother you made that fucking choice and now you actually have

like resentment for your fucking job and you're starting to put it on your kids I can tell you're already putting it on your kids because you're trying to put it on me that you took the time to send me a fucking email I didn't ask you to send me a fucking email

and then you ended with very disappointed like I'm looking for your approval see you're already getting your God complex because your fucking kids are looking at you like you know every goddamn answer on the planet which you don't Jesus Christ so there you go

there you go people there it is in a nutshell you're a comedian you make one fucking joke about an overstatement that someone said that being a mother is the most difficult job on the planet so what is that that makes me think

about all these other jobs digging for coal being president of the united states and having to decide that we're gonna go to war and then you gotta lay in bed knowing that a bunch of people are now gonna die babies, women 18 to 21 year old

fucking people who signed up right out of goddamn high school to be in the army marines, navy, you gotta make that you gotta lay in bed trying to get fucking 8 hours sleep with that shit weighing on your head you know that was a joke

it's not the most difficult job on the planet if you said it's the most important I would have gone with that alright I said I was arguing that it wasn't the most difficult okay and this is what happens people they don't hear what you're saying and then they go off on another tangent like this other fucking cunt

this is a guy alright this guy what the fuck did he talk where the hell is it oh jesus bill oh jesus look what you did you just slowed the whole fucking thing down um

oh I disagree he said bill love the podcast but I disagree with you on the whole music downloading thing most of my music that I have is not bought for good reason first of all the last two CDs I bought brand new from the store

skipped in multiple CD players right out of the box secondly artists only get about 5 to 10 percent 5 to 10 cents per CD which in the grand scheme of things doesn't add up to much compared to the money they get from t-shirts and gigs

now don't get me wrong the people that just download thousands of CDs worth of stuff and never go to shows they're the douchebags I try to go to at least 5 shows a year wow and I go to lullapalooza in Chicago once every 3 years

so am I a loser to you bill no you're not a loser you're just stealing music you're stealing fucking music and you're trying to shine it all up like hey man the artist doesn't make any fucking money you bought 2 CDs from the store

you skipped in multiple places dude you can go to iTunes and download music in a digital form and that doesn't skip you try to justify the fact that you steal thousands and thousands of dollars worth of fucking music and then you spend a couple hundred bucks

on concert tickets and t-shirts and shit and there you go I didn't steal 100% from you I completely disagree with you you're a loser I'm saying you're a thief you're stealing and you know you're stealing alright

I'm not a musician dude I bought CDs I bought those things I know they start to skip but if I buy them I fucking upload them onto my computer but I do all of my shit through iTunes but I don't I don't steal music and when I did steal it

I addressed the fact that I was stealing music I wasn't saying that I wasn't part of the fucking problem back in the day when it first came out my eyes fucking dropped out of my head to free music and I went to Lime Wire and I downloaded a couple hundred fucking songs but in the end

when people presented the argument dude you're stealing I couldn't get around it I was like yeah you're right I am so I stopped so I'm not saying I'm better than you and I'm not saying you're a fucking loser what I'm saying is you're stealing fucking music however you frame it and go into a couple of concerts doesn't

make up for the fact that you stole the music you know it's like concert tickets cost money it's like a concert ticket was free and you made a donation you still got something out of your money you got a t-shirt you got a fucking concert ticket so

you're acting like those monies make up for the fact that you stole music like you didn't get anything out of the out of the concert ticket and putting down money for a t-shirt you got a fucking rock show or hip hop show whatever the fuck you went to and you got a t-shirt that doesn't make up for the fact

that you stole the fucking music it doesn't alright so like I said I'm not saying you're a loser you're a fucking thief oh I'm on my goddamn high horse here um let's get to underrated overrated here people a topic that I thought was dying

that I'm actually pleased to say is making a comeback oh before I do that I mentioned a few weeks ago that the short film Cheat Me, Joe DeRosa and Robert Kelly uh wrote and acted in and Joe DeRosa

did a phenomenal job directing this movie the short film we got it into the Tribeca Film Festival which is one of the biggest film festivals out there it's right up there with Sundance and all that type of stuff um and I wanted to give you guys the screening times if you're actually

in the uh New York area and you want to come down and support our film we would love to see you down there we're going to try to hang out as many screenings as we possibly can there's a couple of them that we're not allowed to go to just because there's going to be industry

there and they want to review the film and you know we can't be breathing down then next making them uncomfortable so here are the screening times uh Saturday April 23rd at 7pm is the first screening of course I don't have where they're screening

I'm such a fucking idiot I'll just tell you when and they are Saturday at 7pm Wednesday at 5.30pm that's April 27th and Saturday April 30th at 4pm

and Sunday May 1st at 7.30pm um I believe I'm calling in the Opian Anthony show this week I believe Thursday this week uh Derosa and Bobby Kelly are going to be on there we have all the rest of the information

so I'm I what an idiot I am why am I such a fucking moron you know go to themmpodcast.com we'll have the actual that's the official fan page by the way and he gets all the shit right I'm such a fucking moron I was so excited to tell you guys all that type of shit

and what did I do what did I do I fucked the whole thing up alright feel that do you hear that silence the podcast is just a bunch to a grinding halt and it's 100% my fault alright underrated overrated for this week alright underrated this guy says

ice cream sandwiches uh they are made from the cheapest ice cream and the crappiest cookies but they are fucking delicious and I can eat like 5 um I actually had a debate with Nia on this one um I thought he was literally talking about

ice cream sandwiches but she's saying because he said cookies he means those ones that have like the chocolate chip cookies just that generic ice cream in the middle it's basically you know the filling that they put in hot dogs it's the ice cream version of that and he said he can eat like 5

and uh I am right there with you I'm right there with you I think I could eat 6 but I would get sick but I could eat 5 just like you and I would not be sick and my body at no point would be acting like what I was doing was incorrect until about 15 minutes later

when I suddenly would have to take a nap you ever eat really bad food and you have to take a nap um you get all sleepy or as black people call it the itis you get the itis I told you that story a long time ago didn't I I'll tell it to you again

the fuck I got an hour to kill here I know I got some new listeners um back in the day when I was on the uh the Chappelle show tour and it was me Charlie Murphy Ronald Rawlings who played Ashy Larry

we went out in 2004 mid 2004 and toured I toured I stayed on the tour till about the end of February 2005 and uh these guys used to break my balls about my shirts all my clothes and all that type of shit that actually turned into a bit when I did my half hour special

that whole bit that this mother fuck only has 5 shirts that came from hanging out with those guys doing talent shows back in the day Drew Frazier and all those guys Rob Stapleton who other room did I used to do Capone's rooms all those things

when I used to jump back and forth between the black rooms, white rooms, mainstream rooms the uptown rooms as I used to call them but anyways so these guys used to you know they used to just give me shit and that type of stuff so we had gone out drinking or I had gone out drinking I was brutally fucking hung over

and I just didn't want to listen to that shit and we were driving from Chicago up to Vernon Hills to do uh the Zanies up there and it was a good hour hour and a half drive I don't know what but it was going to seem like 5 hours and I could tell that they were just going to be fucking

on my shit because I was really hung over so what I did was I asked the door I don't know somehow I walked out to try to get some fresh air and I saw that there was a Popeyes chicken like fucking 2 blocks up so I ran up there

and got like a fucking I don't know 17 pieces of that shit with biscuits and all of that shit we were leaving right around 11 and we go and we get in the fucking limo to go up there and I bring hey guys I got us some food and I ate one piece and watched them

devour like another 5-6 pieces a couple of biscuits right and they were already giving me shit and within fucking 15 minutes they were fucking sound asleep hahahaha hahahaha I just sat there with a smile on my face

with some of that greasy food in my stomach but not enough to make me fall asleep just enough to feel comfort comforted right and I had my sunglasses on and I cruised all the way we cruised all the way up there and they slept the whole fucking way it's one of the brilliant moves in my stand up career

so anyways oh speaking of that shit I'm actually getting myself into great shape here you want to know how I've been doing it well I don't give a fuck I mentioned it back in the day I got a juicer like most things

when you get something new you're all about it feel like I don't know what a week, two weeks, maybe a month and then one day you just blow it off you just fucking blow it off and then it starts gathering dust

and then every once in a while you just look at whatever you bought your iPad and you have a gadget you had it's just over there collecting dust and you just have that feeling like God I used to be so fucking into that thing you know

it's kind of like a relationship you meet some hot girl you're telling your friends dude this is one of the hottest fucking chicks I've ever been with she's got like the perfect tits you ever do that you start describing a body to all your fucking animal guy friends

and then all of a sudden you describe the tits to my friends or the fucking crazy things she did in bed you know and then what happens you're totally into it you're banging, you're banging, you're banging and then just one day

you don't even notice you're just not into it anymore and then one day you're walking by and you look down and there's your pussy you're just gathering dust like your fucking laser displayer and you're wondering what the fuck happened you know and that's the moment where you realize

if you're with the right person or not because if you decide that you're going to work at the relationship and get the sparks going again you're with the right person but if you're just looking at it like a fucking old VCR you know it's time to move on that's what I think

so anyways let's get back to the juicer everybody so the juicer evidently is my fucking gadgets soulmate because I looked at it and I was getting sad going you know what I gotta fucking I gotta get this thing back in my life I gotta find where did we lose

the magic so I went to the health food store and I went in there like a little fucking you know vegan I fucking go in there right oh you know what's funny this place right around the corner from where I live

sells that coconut water that I absolutely love that I drank on Joe Rogan show and they told me they got on amazon.com and I ordered it on amazon.com you know me I'm totally fucking I got the OCD like whatever

when I get into shit I get into shit and it was like 20 something bucks to get like like 12 of these things so it was already expensive and then you know if you know you just do 5 to 6 business days who gives a fuck they charge you like 3 bucks

but I was like no I want that shit in 2 days so my shipping cost was as much as the goddamn price of the coconut I paid like 40 bucks for 12 of them and then I go down the street when I reintroduced myself to my juicer going hey baby let's you know

what happened to us man let's watch a movie tonight right I go over to the fucking vegetable place oh you know what that creepy little analogy just reminded me of I guess there's some fucking show out there where people are in love with inanimate objects and they actually like fuck a fence

or a bridge or they want to like marry the Eiffel Tower can somebody please tell me what that show is I really want to watch that because I saw that one that was fatal fatal attractions where people have wild animals that they try to turn

they try to turn into uh they try to turn into pets and those people were just so fucking stupid of me that I couldn't watch the show but I ended up hearing that that show was good because they get into the psychology of why somebody gets into that

all I saw when I saw that guy with the buffalo walking around his house and every time he walked by him that buffalo would slam him into the wall and he looked like Wayne Gretzky getting fucking checked by any sort of fucking normal sized hockey player

and he would just be like as he would walk by she was so fucking stupid I couldn't watch it so if anybody can tell me what the name of that show is where people are in love with like a door you know

dude how much alone time are you spending I mean I haven't even heard that in jail well in solitary confinement do you get in love with the walls I bet you do at some point at some point you just from lack of human contact

you know that man brain kicks in where you get visually stimulated you got to get visually stimulated by something and they would just be like I bet it's like at some point during the day when the sun starts going down right and the shadow

just hits the wall a certain way and you just there you are there you are you sweet little naughty naughty piece of plaster well you've been for the last 23 hours I don't want to hear it so fucking creepy

actually somebody who is probably in jail or has been in jail is going to be actually when you're in solitary confinement there's no sunlight whatever the fuck it is you fuck the floor you know there you go is that in any prison book

I think I hit my low point when I was consistently fucking the floor alright let's continue so anyway so I got my juicer back in my life that's what the fuck I'm trying to tell you so I go to the goddamn health food store and it's great about going to the health food stores even though the aisles are

much skinnier than one of the grocery stores those fucking people who actually eat healthy are just wave human beings they do yoga little wispy little you know those dogs little whippets they're just like that walking up and down the aisles with their fucking tail

between their legs trying to pick out zucchini so I'm going in there right suddenly feeling like I'm on roids because I look so much bigger ab full of shit there was a couple decent sized people in there but whatever so I go in there I pick out all this fucking fruits and vegetables to juice

so that's how I've been starting my day people starting my day I fucking juice then I go get my fucking pit bull we go for a walk we go for a hike for like an hour I come back and then I have a bowl of oatmeal with some

a handful of raisins thrown in there that's how I start my day and it's been fucking great for me I'm not trying to preach to you people I'm not trying to be a fucking breakfast Nazi here this is what I realize with me this is how I get out of whack is if I start my day either with

I can't even just say toast and eggs but if I throw the bacon in there then it's really extra salty then I gotta throw a little jam on my toast you know to try to level myself off just like a fucking co-kit drinking alcohol to bring me down a little bit

you know I got the salt the salt's making me sleepy so I put the jelly on the toast to bring me back up right there I'm out of fucking whack or if I have french toast or anything you put syrup on then my sugar goes through the roof next thing you know I'm grabbing a handful of fucking potato chips you know

like an hour later and then like for the rest of the day my blood sugar I don't know what it is it probably looks like a what do you got one of those things where the the heart thing sonogram whatever the fuck you call it not a telegraph what do you call that fucking thing you know when

you're lay there in the hospital and they're looking at your heart rate that's what it looks like salt sugar salt sugar that's what I do for the rest of the fucking day then at the end of the day I take a big piece of cake and I shove it right down my fucking pie hole and that's my day and then gradually

my white doughy stomach starts to hang over my belt and then I hate myself and then I start lashing out of people in the crowd so there you go that's what's been working for me so why don't you guys give it a shot

if you want to if you don't I don't give a fuck oh by the way 170 days without booze and I actually fucked it up yesterday I was at a barbeque yesterday and I accidentally twice had two sips of beer okay so technically

in my world my streak is still going because it was an accident but I've had booze within the last 24 hours and this is what I've noticed which is really fascinating about the human brain and I didn't realize this till I went to Stockholm, Sweden

when I did that gig over there remember I told you that story and I went over there and everybody you know and I forgot that you know I didn't speak a word of Swedish and everyone was going and I was you know the fucking the comedian in front of me

who was speaking English backstage went out there and did his whole act in Swedish and was killing and the crowd's like and I'm freaking out going are they even gonna fucking understand me this is what I learned when I was in Sweden was I took for granted

how much I don't read when I'm in the States because you just like I think when you look at a stop sign you don't read stop you just visually looking at it and I didn't realize that shit until I went over to Sweden

and the amount of extra thinking that I had to do where I would be looking at like a car and just be like okay is that a taxi or is that a police car or I'd have to look at a store front and just sort of try to because I can't read the word

it's in Swedish and it's like 97 fucking letters I'd have to just really sit there looking is that clothes is there food in there is that what the fuck is that that's what happened to me at the party

I opened the refrigerator door and I saw this green can and I immediately equated it with soda and my brain told me it was a sprite turned out it was 7 up and right next to it was a red and white can so

I think I actually think it was just red so in my world that was coke so I reached for the coke opened it up took a sip of it thinking I was drinking Coca-Cola and it was a Mexican beer and I drank it and I didn't even recognize it was a weird tasting beer I thought it was like iced tea

and I looked down and I'm reading it you know and actually I'm just looking for coke and I'm looking all over the words and finally I see beer I'm like did I just drink a beer there goes my god damn streak so of course Nia's laughing at me so then I go over

and grab what I thought was a sprite was actually 7 up I started drinking that and then later on at the party you grabbed the wrong thing once again I thought I was drinking coke and I reached over and I grabbed another thing another fucking swig of beer so I want you guys to know it was my streak over

you know all you addicts out there what does that mean if you do that if you're in AA turn in your chip and start all over again and go up there and cry at the podium because you actually had a sip of beer do I get any credit with the fact that I opened the beer

took the sip of the beer and just said ah fuck this is I thought this was coke it's a beer and I just set it down I didn't have anymore anybody can you help me out here this is when I wish I took collars I'm glad I don't take collars because I think collars really slow down the fucking show

you know I'm gonna prank phone calls and then half the people it just takes them two goddamn long plus I like talking alright you haven't noticed the fact that I rarely have a guest on this show and I can somehow keep it going for a fucking hour

you know that's not an amazing ability that is an incredible personality flaw alright more underrated overrated unpaid internships overrated I graduated from college less than a year ago

and I've been looking for a job in my area of studies for more than a year with no success dude my heart goes out to these fucking kids just getting out out of college right now and the one of the worst economies ever it's just fucking ridiculous they already overcharged you for your fucking education

and these goddamn bankers screwed the whole fucking economy up anyways plowing ahead he says while looking for a job numerous agencies that offer internships but no but none for pay

it seems how is that legal by the way you don't pay him anything it seems like many places take advantages of the bad economy and the desperate job seekers to lure them into doing work for free unfortunately I'm one of them dude what kind of a fucking scumbag this is what you know I want to go

undercover into corporate America and I want to see how that goes down how that like is it just like the mob where you're like hey it's not fucking personal it's business oh you know

well if you check out the market what the market will bear now is it's advantageous if you're the employer to take advantage of the human resources and offer them

a negative cash flow contract however they fucking deal they never just come out and say hey let's take advantage of the future and pay them absolutely nothing so we can we can drive we can put

rims on our flashy fucking cars anyways he says what do these agencies offer in exchange experience building your resume making connections with other employees promises of hiring after a short period and other bullshit

like that he says fuck that in capital letters you mentioned in Joe Rogan's podcast how comedians should not offer their material for free in exchange for exposure and I completely agree these unpaid internships that are so popular right now need to stop

are more efficient than some of my full-time coworkers at my internships which are not a surprise oh wait which are not a surprise are part of a workers union and I work

here comes my bad reading skills I got totally confused with his parentheses he says and I work there only two days out of the week if it wasn't funny it would be sad so he's basically saying in those two days he does more work than the people

who are members of the union you know that's something that unions have to address here I'm all about unions but just because you now have the power to lean on a shovel doesn't mean you should and that's what's really fucked over unions unions were a great idea

and people died had their heads kicked in got shot at by our own fucking army when guys like Andrew Carnegie had the connections to bring them in like he did there in the fucking Banks of the Allegheny out there in Pittsburgh where the fuck it was at

that's now a mall alright they needed those unions so we could avoid sweatshop the sweatshop labor conditions that existed in this country and then what happened aside from the map the mob taken over those things what happened

is guys used the unions the power of unions as a way to get over fucking paid and not to bust their ass at work anymore so then they became the exact fucking thing that they were rebelling against and so I understand why corporations

move their fucking companies out of this country I also understand why that there had to be unions this is what it always comes down to is people are people rich people aren't the only greedy fucking assholes out there middle class and poor people

if you put them in a position where they can be greedy the sad thing is most people will take advantage of this situation and these are not unique theories this is the overall theory harsh theory that most people learn when they get out of their house

and they get into the real world you realize that most people are cunts there's very few good people out there poor middle class or fucking rich there's very few people that'll actually do the right thing so I 100% agree with that speaking of unions it would be great if you could somehow

start one that's what you need to do when you have everybody on the same page and say listen we're not saying you gotta give us all of us but this fucking working for free is ridiculous yeah they totally take an advantage of you

because of the market but I guess if it's a good market you guys can take advantage of them I don't know man it's just who the fuck knows but there's just something wrong with having kids work for fucking free

and I will say to people who are in unions which I am 100% supportive in support of you motherfuckers need to work harder and you'll have a better um you'll have a better public image now I'm not saying everybody in unions don't

you know they all of them lean on shovels but you know why you got that reputation okay I'm Irish I know we got why we got the reputation for being a bunch of drunk motherfuckers because so many of us are got so fucking drunk that we completely wiped out

any sort of good Irishman out there alright so there you go another one documentaries underrated in the last few months I've become a big fan of documentaries especially about our corrupted economy our fucked up culture and our dying planet and environment

I have to say these films put a really grey picture as far as our civilization goes yeah I know that's why I kind of stopped watching them I just try to do the right thing in my own life if I if I watch too many of those they really depress the shit out of me um the present is already looking bad

and I do not see a way we can dig ourselves out of this hole that we've created I just don't understand why people dismiss these types of films are they trying to avoid the painful truth absolutely I just said I was are they in denial absolutely there are ways and solutions to fix it but as long as we have

democrats versus republicans white versus blacks versus coal and oil energy versus clean energy and most importantly fucking paper money and stock markets nothing's going to change yeah this guy this is the exact

conclusion that I came to although I don't agree that a lot of the clean energy they say is clean energy like as much as I drive a hybrid which is really a scam it's only an electric car when it's going 5 miles an hour under other than that it's just an underpowered

gas car but it does burn clean and it does get great gas mileage but you know electric cars I mean those batteries eventually you have to dispose of those and those things wreak havoc basically human beings in general wreak havoc on the environment

so I think the solution is you have to have some sort of population control and they should do it sooner rather than later because if they did it sooner we could avoid some sort of Stalin slash Hitler solution because that's what the fuck they're going to do

I think the problem with human beings is we treat global problems the same way a college kid treats doing a term paper we do it the night before you know remember Y2K we knew that shit was coming

and it ended up not being a fucking problem but everybody panicked in the final two months they were talking about it for 10 years that we were going to have this possibly have this fucking problem and we waited until the last fucking second and I think that the population problem is going to be the same thing the problem there's too many fucking people

there's no there's nothing wrong with chopping down trees there's nothing wrong with using coal there's nothing wrong with driving a big car there's nothing wrong with any of that the problem is that there's 7 billion people on the fucking planet that's a problem

alright we need to get that number way the fuck down way the fuck down I would say under a billion under a billion people you need to do that so I think that you should just implement laws the amount of people that kids that you can have and I also think that

you know you should offer people money to not have kids adopt kids recycle I think that they should do all of that type of stuff while they try to have cleaner burning cars and that type of shit and just gradually

let people kind of die off you know that's what I feel you know because if you don't do that then eventually I think that we're going to run out of food run out of clean water and you're going to have the rich in their gated communities and they're going to be guarded by the black

water people and they're just going to be shooting out the rest of us in their fucking heads in our heads that's what I think is going to happen personally you know if mother nature doesn't get us first alright that was uplifting alright let's get to advice for the week

Bill a year and a half ago a year and a half ago me and this girl that I used to work with were hanging out a lot and fooling around all summer very nice it was pretty casual there you go that's how you set it up it's pretty casual

wonderful it's just the art is trying to keep it there and as I've told you before what that is it's the time between you're hooking up okay when you're keeping it casual and that type of shit

if you want to hang out and have drinks that's fine but when you get back to your place you do the deed and that's it she's got to go you can't hang out and watch a movie that's when they start getting feelings it's not fair to the female you've got to keep it fucking casual

alright continuing which is kind of hard to do when you work with them but anyways it was pretty casual but that was only because we both knew I had to leave in August so we made a point to not get too serious beautiful once the summer ended

I had to go back to school in Miami so our situation kind of ended but we stayed in touch then recently this last spring break I went home for 10 days when I let her know I was going to be in town and that we had to hang out but only as friends because she had a boyfriend which I was fine with

alright dude now I haven't read this one yet but I've got to tell you right here don't hang out with her more than once alright this is what you should do in that situation she's got a boyfriend it's over

so if she wants to hang out hang out in a public place and at the end of the night you say you've got to go don't bring up sex don't fucking do anything like what you used to do she's got a boyfriend you've got to walk away from that situation not to mention

if the two of you were just hanging out at any moment her boyfriend could walk in and you could get the old fucking clattering to the side of the fucking head anyways so the first day I was there she came over to my house to hang out

that's a red flag right there she's got a boyfriend you come to town she immediately drops her boyfriend and comes to hang out with you alright after a half hour of that awkward catching up conversation we went up to my room to watch a movie oh

Jesus once the movie started she made sure to drive home the fact that I shouldn't make a move on her because she's with someone else see right here dude she's playing with your dick she's going down making it go up

and then she's going hey hey hey hey we've got to take it easy and then it goes back down again she's fucking with you she's playing the up and down game from the opian anthony show with your dick if you guys haven't seen that yet I'm telling you look that up on youtube

the opian anthony up and down game it's one of the most genius bits I've ever seen fucking hilarious anyways I completely disregarded this I forgot my commentary here why don't I just read the rest here so the movie starts and she drives home the point

that he shouldn't make a move on her because she is with somebody else so he says I completely disregard this and I put my arm around her anyways 10 minutes into the movie you know what I respect that move by the way 10 minutes into the movie

we're in a full on cuddle and she's doing that shit where she's running her finger up and down with my arm then out of nowhere she flips around and climbs on top of me with that fuck me look in her eyes dude this is a great story

she's even doing that pre-sex slightly heavy breathing dude I haven't read this I'm telling you she's gonna pull the emergency shoot this is the Richard Pryor bit where they wait till you dick it's hard enough to cut diamonds I believe is how Richard put it

or Mr. Pryor saying Richard like I know the guy she drops in to start kissing me but stops an inch from my mouth and stays there for a second or two then she climbs off and goes back to cuddling

you know what dude you're young you didn't know any better but if you were older you set yourself up for this after recollecting myself I started to say something I started talking she flipped over and did it again

but for a bit longer this time this time I asked her what the fuck she was doing and she giggled cunt yeah dude right there man this is the thing you gotta take charge of the situation you gotta tell your dick to stand down

and be like look either we're gonna do this or we're not gonna do this I actually think at that point you should have just bounced her out of there that's the power move right there man that's the move that's gonna make you feel better than if you even fucked her because she's still gonna get something out of it

she got to get laid right so fuck that you should have kicked her out right then just been like you know what this was a bad idea shut this off you have to go you shouldn't be doing this you have a boyfriend see you flip it around you put the guilt on her she leaves you fucking rub one out

right then you don't give a shit that you didn't bang her and then you fucking go out to the local watering hole you know you gotta run into some chick you went to fucking high school with you're a little older you're a little more manly you get the scruff going and you fucking tag her and fuck this girl she is a cunt she is a boyfriend

she shouldn't be doing this shit alright let's continue where the hell was I this time though she stayed she did it for about full 30 seconds okay so we went back to cuddling for the next 5 minutes until she did it for a third time this time though

she stayed there for about 30 seconds and she wouldn't pull and she would pull back every time I actually kiss her so that she kept the inch between us once she got off she started that giggling again which by then had gone from cute to annoying as hell

and then slipped her shoes on and said she had to go see dude if you took charge in one of those you could have bounced her out but we didn't hang out again after that and now I'm back in Miami I guess my question is what should I have done

I guess I already answered it and what the fuck was she doing any answer would be great or even a rant about those annoying tees and cunts thanks well you know what dude I hadn't read this one I was busy this week the guy who helps me with my podcast who will remain nameless because that's how I do it

sent me this thing and I'm a little late today so it's the first time I read it yeah that's what she was doing you'd almost have to ask a female to get into the psychology of it but I guess like I think that I don't know

does she want to just see that you still want to fuck her I can tell you this right now that her relationship with this other guy isn't going to work and she has major fucking not major she's either really immature or eventually she has major issues

and she'll fuck up every relationship by doing shit like this and eventually she's going to be that old hottie hanging out at the wine bar with the crow's feet around her eyes you know that shit she'll just end up being that girl

and then we'll look back in regret at all the good guys that she fucking dick teased as she was playing the fucking field but this is what you do in the future the second a girl is doing some shit like that the second she said listen just so you know I have a boyfriend

we can't be doing this you should have said you know what you're right let's not watch a movie and right then you kick her out so you have some sort of power alright and if you want to fuck a girl like that you should have been the one saying

no you should have been the one pushing her off alright because it sounds like she has that fucking thing where you know she's off on the fact that you want her but can't have her alright so if you're acting like you don't want her that fucks with her head like wait a minute

what am I losing my pussy power and you just literally back your way into the fucking boat then you club her over the head and then there you go you got your fish in the boat alright that's how you do that but I gotta tell you in the future dude chicks like that are just a complete fucking waste of time

you're already banged her so you already dotted all the eyes what the fuck are you still doing you're there because it's an easy you thought it was an easy fucking lay when you got back which is understandable but the problem is you don't have your dick in check your dick is running your fucking life

you gotta make the decisions alright and when you fucking do that you start winning those a lot more see women have their pussies in check that's why they always win those battles 90% of the fucking time so there you go that's the little information that I can help you with but like I said

don't ever don't ever be afraid to fucking ask a female for advice on stuff like that not only will they give you advice they actually enjoy doing it and they'll have way better advice than I do because you know because they're a fucking woman you know what I mean

it's like you calling me you're asking a plumber about fucking carpentry go to a carpenter alright that is the podcast for this week I hope you guys enjoyed it seemed like a fairly smooth one right um let me can I whore out some dates here people can you hang with me this long enough huh or maybe you're gonna hang with me

because you're on final approach oh you know what I can't stand this is what happened to me the other day I went out to go buy my fucking water cooler that I want to have just in case a tsunami hits out here because I live on a fault line and I always want to have at least 5 to 10 gallons of water

you know I'm already inland enough with the tsunami it's not gonna hit if a tsunami hits me here I'm telling you Utah is in trouble alright so I go to Lowe's Hardware I go there online I look up

to see if they have the one that I want and then you know and Lowe's has it so rather than just saying they only have it online I'm assuming it's at the fucking store so I jump in my car and I drive over there and they don't fucking have it

they don't fucking have it and it's just you know just fucking drove me nuts so then I stop off at a sporting goods store to buy a pump because my football doesn't have any air in it and this is what you do at 42 when you don't have any fucking kids you know you actually you still act them like you're fucking 14

so I don't know I just had that moment when I went into the sporting goods store you know I hate when they can't fucking help me I'm asking a simple question and then I start to flip out and then they just call me sir at the same time

you know sir I'm sorry sir but sir could you sir could you please not sir in this sir please sir thank you sir that fucking shit that's what reminds me of flying on the plane if you do anything if you have your seat back sir

could you please put your seat back up sir thank you sir sir in order to expedite this sir sir could you please sir I fucking hate that I say ma'am back a hundred times I'm sorry ma'am yes ma'am thank you ma'am ma'am could you stop ma'amming me ma'am

you fucking cunt ma'am I'm sorry that was a little bit of fucking half an ounce of rage I had to get out there let me get back to hyping my dates here so anyways this week oh what a week I have I'm gonna be at the Wrecker Theater for two shows I believe the second show is already sold out

so if you want to get tickets you better fucking hustle there for you fucking cunt it's a goddamn internet war not working in this room you know I really need to step my life up I'm at the Wrecker Theater this uh this Friday April 8th for two shows

I believe they're like 8 and 10 or 8 and 10 30 I don't know what the fuck they are my goddamn website won't come up that's in Baltimore outside of Baltimore, Maryland and on Friday night I'm at the Tower Theater in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania later on this month

I got two more shows one is in Milwaukee, Wisconsin April 22nd at the Pap's Theater unbelievable response by the way I want to thank everybody beforehand in Milwaukee maybe that's why I had the Laverne and Shirley song in my head

isn't that where that show was based at they also worked at a beer factory it's all coming full circle and on the 23rd I'll be at the Royal Oak Theater in Detroit, Michigan both of those dates are selling unbelievably well

both of them are going to sell out so get your tickets as soon as you can and uh I want to thank everybody there for like I have not I've never played Milwaukee and I have not played Detroit since I did uh the Rich Bitch Tour

the Chappelle Show Tour back in I think I did that in 04 all I've done is I've done like kickers and that type of stuff outside of Detroit but I haven't been in Detroit so um I guess it's Royal Oak I have no idea and then the last one is actually sold out

it's uh one of those antisocial comedy um comedy tour dates and that one is uh Jim Norton put the tour together Jim Norton from uh little Jimmy from the Open Anthony show best radio show out there for my money uh Jim Norton, Jim Brewer, David Tell

and myself are all doing a comedy tour we just added some dates we have a date in Washington DC on May 13th we have one in June I believe it's at the Chicago Theater these are all at antisocialcomedy.com uh

I believe that one is June 15th I think I don't know all of that is on antisocialcomedy.com just click on tour dates those dates are all on sale um you know please come down you get four comics for the price of one

we're playing some of the most beautiful venues in the country more dates are going to follow because the turnout has been unbelievable ticket sales have been fantastic so that's the podcast for this week uh oh real quick, Jay Miller one of my favorite enforcers of the Boston Bruins

is in uh is in the hospital recovering from pneumonia just want to send him uh get well soon wishes uh one of my favorites and uh we're going to send a link uh youtube video we got some great youtube videos this week I almost forgot about those Jay Miller holding his own against the greatest of all time

for my money Bob Probert and uh what are the youtube videos for this week oh we got some good ones I got one from that show cheaters you know that show cheaters where they got you know they basically uh somebody thinks that somebody's cheating on them so then what do they do

they get they hire this company and they start spying on the boyfriend and girlfriend and when they confirm that they are in fact cheating they show up and confront them and this is one of the greatest ones they confront this kid at an ice rink after he just played a hockey game

and you know usually the person who's cheating you know the dude is absolutely stunned this guy handles it absolutely perfectly he fucking breaks up with her she shows up she's like you know because the chick he's cheating with is at the ice rink she's just yeah who the fuck is that

you know what the fuck are you doing here and he just goes he just breaks up with her right on the spot he's leaning on his stick wiping the snow the sweat off of his fucking nose he looks like a hockey player in between periods going like yeah we got to work on our four checking

and hopefully we can get that goal back in the second period he wasn't even sweating he just breaks up with her she's like yeah who the fuck is that what the fuck are you doing he just goes he goes yeah we're done what do you mean we're done just like that he goes yeah it's over she goes that girl because the other girl was uglier

she goes you're gonna dump me for that girl and he goes what can I say she does it right and he didn't he didn't give a fuck he was barely looking at her he was just sitting there leaning on his stick he wasn't nervous that there was cameras there and he just fucking

breaks up with her and then his girlfriend doesn't know what to do so she ends up getting into a fist fight with the chick he's cheating on and he just sort of walks away into the locker room it's fucking phenomenal phenomenal what else do we got we have some hippie chick

trying to give a presentation to a bunch of corporate people what the hell are these youtube videos we got paul orndorf hyping the hulk hulkomania workout thing that's one of my favorites and we got a couple others they're all gonna be up at themmpodcast.com

and like I stated earlier if you want to send emails to this podcast the new email address is bill at themmpodcast.com please keep them coming you guys emails they get better each week that's it you guys all

have a great weekend a great week I'll talk to you next week here's allig paase geniet van paase en ramadan met het verrassend en divers assortiment van albert heijn en kijk zeker ook naar de tweede aflevering op de wereld in het klein.be

dat is het lekker van albert heijn