Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-4-16

Episode Date: April 4, 2016

Bill rambles about cake walks, psychos and Detroit.

In the mountains, in the kitchen, even in the living, they are really everywhere to ride the empty baths. But now we go to the finish, bring them to a Bebath collection point quickly. You will always find one in your neighborhood on Bebath.be Bebath! Together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. 2016, how's it going? How are you? I am in Ottawa, Canada right now.

Oh, Canada. It's fucking freezing here. Every time I come, my nostrils stick together. Yeah, we did fucking, I almost said Wichita. I don't know what the fuck the name of the place, Windsor. We did Windsor, Me, Verzi and fucking Joey B, Joe Bartnick. We did Windsor the first day. Not even what day that is yet, Friday.

We did it on Friday. And I brought this little fucking bitchy coat. Nia calls it the Kleenex coat. Remember in the 70s, when they had the big puffy coats? Well, they're still making the puffy coats. They're not just like little ones. They look like you go to a rib shack and you open the little thing and they give you a little moist little towel.

It looks like there's a bunch of those sewn into the coat. You know the thing. You know what the fuck coat I'm talking about. One of those little north face numbers. So I got that on a hoodie because I looked at the fucking forecast and it said that, you know, it's going to be like 50 degrees. And that coat's good down to 40. So I thought I was fine.

And I was fine. I was snug like a little bug in the rug for the first, was it two days? What the hell was I the second day? Oh, the second day I was at Casino Rama. That's right. That's when it started to snow and that's when I started questioning my jacket game, as the young kids say.

My jacket game was not on point, however. By the way, I didn't bring any of my fucking podcast equipment because, you know, this trip is a motherfucker. All right. This is one of these. It's known in my business as a thrash. All right. Sometimes you go on the road.

It's a fucking cakewalk. All right. Whatever the fuck that means. What is a cakewalk? I know I've never even looked that up. Is there a certain kind of way you walk when you fucking carrying a cake? Maybe that's what it is. Sorry if I'm fucking the levels are too high here.

Just trying to talk to my recorder like a microphone. That's going to be my guess. Is that when you have a fucking cake, you know, if you have a cake, you're going to be walking a little gingerly. No offense to me, right? So you're walking a little lightly with it, maybe. You know, you're walking like you're walking like Paul Verzi when he puts on his fucking Jordan fours for the first time.

You should have seen him walking down a casino. He was walking like on his heels because he didn't want to crease him. I got to tell you something. I don't fucking understand people who fucking stand in line and then stab each other over a fucking pair of sneakers. I just really, dude, did you see they got the new Jordan threes around? Dude, they're fucking crazy. The new Jordan threes are fucking crazy.

I swear to God, they all look like nurse shoes to me. Big, stupid, bulky looking fucking things. I think I have a pair of Jordan ones. I like the colors. I never liked those fucking things either. When they came out and they were red and black, I thought those were the ugliest fucking things ever. I told you before, I'm part of the back of the day. I like those Bruce Jenner decathlon shoes.

Just simple pair with fucking three stripes on the side. I was cool with sneakers right through towards the end of the 80s when they started having the fucking Bo Jackson, the neon Dion fucking. Remember that neon green and neon pink, those fucking sunglasses. The second it went into that shit, those pastel colors and the stupid fucking Reebok pump. Oh, maybe if I put some more air in my sneakers, I won't have white guy legs. The Reebok pumps were as stupid as Batman versus Superman. There.

All right. Shirley. Here we go. This cakewalk. Shirley, you've heard the term cakewalk. Did somebody write a whole fucking article on this? Good Lord, cut to the fucking chase. All right.

I'll read this as fast as I can. Shirley, you've heard the term cakewalk used to describe some sort of challenge or task that is reckoned to be pitifully easy. Shirley, you have, will you stop saying, stop calling me Shirley. Shirley, you have, please, please don't lie. Good Lord. Who fucking wrote this? The figure of definition has been around since the early 19th century, as long as the literal

one, in fact, it appeared in print. But did you know that the term is actually pretty racist, racist, racist, racist? I'll bet you didn't. What the fuck is wrong with this idiot who this is such a classic, you know, if you actually had to get a real job writing, you wouldn't have one. You know, everybody on the internet fancies themselves like there's some sort of journalist, you know, when they're writing. This is just, no, you just fucking writing on a, it's like acting in a web series.

And you're upset you didn't get nominated for a fucking Oscar. Nor did I, okay, did you know it was pretty racist? I'll bet you didn't. What, because you don't know some shit and that means everybody else doesn't, you fucking cunt. I mean, I didn't know it, but I'm a moron. I really don't like this person. He said, nor did I. Okay, that's the first humble thing this person said.

Maybe he can come around. Maybe I was wrong. I still don't think I could drive cross country with this person. Nor did I until I looked into the origin of the term and found out it had roots in the, I get on how to say this word, antebellum south of the early 19th century. Can you just tell me what the fuck it means? I would start it during this era of firmly entrenched slavery in the States. The cakewalk was a dance event where slaves were invited to dress up in the fine clothes and took on the heirs of the white aristocracy.

Oh, so this is like when the Wayans brothers did white chicks. What did they do? Is this like the first def jam comedy? They started doing the white guy voice. I said, get out in the field and do the work that I should be doing. And everybody starts flipping out, dying laughing. The next slave coming to the stage. All right.

They were held in the plantation home in the same rooms where the resplendent balls were held among whites of society. Oh my God. How much of those people fucking stink back then putting on all those extra layers of clothes. No such thing as deodorant. Right. That's one of those things where you washed yourself in the same fucking trough. The goddamn horses drank out of the cakewalk was similar. It was a ball held for the slaves.

Oh, so this is their Christmas party. I didn't know they did that. I didn't see that in roots. You know, it wasn't all bad. Every once in a while they had like a company party. After 364 and a half days of absolute horror, then they would let them in the house. Yeah, sorry about all that other shit. Would you like some pumpernickel?

The wife just made it. Oh, let's get them out of the house. They seem to be a little restless. Fucking nuts. Oh, what an ugly period. The cake, like, you know, like it's not an ugly period now, but you know, it's less ugly. All right, let's continue. Okay, the cakewalk was similar.

It was a ball held for the slaves. Couples promoted, promenaded, sorry, through the ballroom, bowing deeply and frequently. Chins and noses held highly aloft. If you're going to tell me they finally gave them a fucking party and they still were assholes about it. The couple who performed the best interpretation of how the white folks did it, won a cake, baked, won imagines by a slave. I didn't imagine that. Stop putting words in my mouth. I would figure the white people after all that fucking time, yeah, I mean, you know what?

I consider we ruined their fucking lives. I think we can make them a cake once a year, but we're only giving it to one of them. Jesus Christ, every time you think you found the depths of how evil that shit was, you find another layer. Oh my God, another layer, just like a cake. Jesus, I'm an artist this morning. All right, the cakewalk looks similar, but it was also very different. Its intent was to emulate white society in order to mock it. Jesus, there's a dangerous fucking game.

I told you, this is like the first Def Jam comedy. In much the same way as, Jesus Christ, Santa Nalia, the ancient Rome winter solstice festival. Oh yeah, exactly, much in the same fucking way. Where the rules of social order were turned upside down and the slaves and laborers became the rulers and masters attended their servants. Oh, they did this in Rome. This is just all fucking weird. Can you imagine the tension during that? So then the masters fucking tended to the slaves.

And you know, the slaves wanted to be just as fucking me, but then they were like, well, we got to kind of alligator arm this shit because it goes back to the regular way tomorrow. And then I would think the master be like, all right, you want me to wade into that sea of hatred towards me? Just keep an eye on me, please. Stay tight, okay? It's the left side of my nose that means I'm fearing for my life. Now, the slaves involved did indeed mock the ridiculously refined customs of the aristocracy. Yes, and they surely meant it. But during the cakewalk, they were allowed to mock them.

And by ruling over even the very event that should undermine his authority, the plantation owners managed to assert his authority, you know, something I wasn't such a fucking good mood. I hate this shit. It's a fucking cakewalk. Well, you know what? I already clicked off. So how does that mean it's easy? What does that mean? It's a cheap laugh.

You know what? I got to go back. I just closed the fucking window. I got to go back. So how the fuck did that become? That does not sound easy to me being a slave all year and then doing one. You get to do one fucking day where you get to make fun of the master. It's not a cakewalk.

It's fucking difficult, right? All right. As if its roots in slavery don't make the cakewalk racially charged enough, it transitioned in the minstrel show. How did it transition into being something easy of the Jim Crow era or even worse? Gone was even the power allotted to the slaves by the mock and jest of the original cakewalk. In stage reproductions of balls, of the balls, white performers in blackface performed as blacks who made sincere clumsy attempts at emulating whites out of a desire to be like them, not to undermine them. Oh, okay.

And then it became that. I still don't understand why it's easy. The original cakewalk walks being local affairs held. You know what? Fuck the fucking internet. All right. Can I fast forward to this? I've got to use the word apparently.

There's no other word alternative comics like to use more than that. Apparently. All right. Clumsy attempts above the original cakewalks were being local affairs held in the confines of the southern plantation. The minstrel shows traveling. As a matter of course, it was later interpretation that became to find the concept of the rest of the country in the world and what you could describe perhaps as a deep desire to stop being so incredibly racist. America's society is a whole abandoned, the racial basis of the cakewalk in favor of it simply describing something so easy

that just walking could yield the reward of a cake. There it is. The definition is still vaguely racist. It isn't racist. If you think the definition means it's going to be easy. You're not even being remotely vaguely racist. You just don't know the history. Right?

Jesus Christ. All right. Well, there's that was fucking depressing. Well, fortunately, I'm up here in Canada where, you know, they have all the angelic white people. According to Michael Moore, you know, up here, they're all a bunch of angels and nobody has to lock their doors. Which, of course, we don't know that's true. Just generally speaking, people don't get along with one another. All right, so that was an excruciating 15 minutes.

I don't know how you guys enjoyed it. So anyways, how the fuck did I get onto that shit? Oh, because yeah, I thought the whole, I thought this whole trip was going to be a muffin dance. How about that? Did something like that? I thought it was going to be a little muffin dance. Did you know that the origins of muffin dance? You actually are pro-domestic violence.

I bet you didn't. Surely you've heard the term muffin dance before. Please, please, please don't tell me you have not. The origin of muffin dance comes from the early 1900s. When women, when they asked, can we vote too, were forced to show their clams and dance out of the voting booths as people threw desserts at them. This became known as the muffin dance because clam indicated that their pussy stunk and turned men off. Later in 1929, the great, great grandson of Abraham Lincoln said, I cannot tell a lie. Some of these bitches clams do stink, but there's no reason to make them do a muffin dance.

They should be allowed to vote too. And all the guys said, yeah, you know what, you're right. And everybody had muffins. So next time you use the term muffin dance, just know that you're being vaguely sexist. All right, I'm sorry. Why am I doing this? Why am I talking like this? Why am I sitting here in this fucking freezing cold hotel room?

I can't find where the fucking heat is. I'm staying in one of these red room, just one of those, you know, I like old shit to a point. You know, I like, I thought I liked having an old house until I fucking had to deal with all the bullshit. I had one in an old house, old hotels. I kind of like, I love the lobbies, but the second you fucking go up to your room, you start walking down the hall. You know, you feel like you should be riding a big wheel and you're going to come around the corner and those two creepy fucking chicks are going to be standing there. God damn it. That fucking movie freaked me out.

That movie still got, it's still disturbing. That's just a disturbing fucking movie, you know, and it's not the fact that he goes completely fucking insane. It's just as a comedian watching a man suffering through writer's block like that and having that woman coming up whose face is shaped like a fucking parking meter, asking you how it's going every fucking 20 minutes. I love how they blame the fucking hotel rather than that, you know, what I would say she means well, you know, they just were a bad couple. I think that that's what it was. And when they were down in society, they could go to events and they could sort of water down their awful relationship by interacting with others. And then once they just got, you know, once they would just stay in there at the fucking hotel, you know, for the whole goddamn winter.

I don't understand why they had to be there to watch it. You know what I mean? Like, what are you going to be doing up there? I mean, the level with which that it's going to fucking snow, no asshole is going to go up there and vandalize the place if they come there. It's because they need shelter. It was really no reason for it. You know, and I was also a vaguely racist movie, wasn't it? You know, saying reverse racist that white people will be like, oh, yeah, oh, the fucking snows 50 feet in the fucking air.

Oh, yeah, I got to write a book. Yeah, why don't I fucking go up there? Y'all hang out there and I'll do my own room service every fucking day. I'll stay in room fucking 706 and every day I'll take a fucking elevator all the way downstairs to the kitchen. How who the fuck would sign up for that? I really didn't have any sympathy for, you know, I'm just fucking with you. I think it's a great movie. I'm just in a grumpy goddamn mood because today I got a drive from fucking Ottawa all the way up to Sudbury.

And then right after the show, I got my travels all fucked up. I got to drive over to fucking Detroit, which is like a fucking eight hour drive. You know, takes me back to the days when I was doing college gigs. And I remember one time I had this gig in the upper peninsula of Michigan, right? Some fucking town up there that began with an H. All right, so like an asshole, I'm like, all right, I'm in Michigan. And I didn't look on the map to see where, to see where, you know, basically the fucking college was at. And I just, I just flew right into fucking Detroit.

And then I realized that the upper peninsula as actually it's sort of, you know, it's the dick of Wisconsin. I should have flown into fucking Milwaukee and driven up, but I didn't. I flew into Detroit and I had to go drive all the way up the whole fucking state. It was pretty cool because I got to drive over to whatever bridge that is, the Mackinac bridge or whatever the fuck it is. I'm trying to look it up right now, but I can't remember the name of the fucking, I think it was Marquette. I always thought it began with an H. Maybe I was thinking Lake Huron. I think it was in Marquette. I did a fucking gig up there.

Yeah. And I had like a, I forget what time my flight was, but I had to basically, it was an early morning flight in Detroit. It was like a fucking eight hour drive or some shit, seven hour drive. And the show didn't start till nine. I was done at 10 o'clock and I had like a six or a seven a.m. flight. I can't remember. I just, I was just like, you know, good night everybody. And I jumped in my fucking car and just drove like a fucking lunatic after already having done the drive drove all the way back.

Just like nodding off almost fall asleep. It was one of the dumbest things I ever did. Just trying to save like the fucking $50 change fee or some shit like that. So you would think that I would learn from that. Not old freckles, but this time we actually have a, I get like Bart neck and fursy to help me with the fucking drive. Oh my God. Dude Sudbury is yeah, it's as high up as fucking the upper peninsula in Michigan. What a fucking asshole.

For some reason they're going, yeah, there's never really no airports around here. I don't know why we didn't just take a couple of puddle jumpers there. I have no fucking. Oh, I know why. I know why. Initially I was picking up a rental car in Detroit and I was going to drive this whole thing. And then at the last second they're like, you know, it's a pretty long fucking drive. So I said, all right, well, we'll fly most of it and then we'll do the thing, you know, then we'll get the rental car.

We'll get the rental car and fucking Ottawa, blah, blah, blah, we'll do it one way. But then I was still leaving out of Detroit. This is so fucking stupid. Oh, this is going to suck. But anyways, what will be cool is tonight I'm playing a small hockey arena. And it's going to be great. It's going to be a fucking good time. I played one of those last night here in Ottawa.

Yeah, I went to a film center. Whatever the fuck it was called. Oh, anyways, this isn't what the fuck I want to talk about. I need something else I want to talk about, but I got to read the fucking advertising here. I know this podcast is all over the place. Okay. I can't say it's a fucking cakewalk anymore. Can't say a cakewalk anymore because now I know it's fucking racist.

All right. Well, actually, I can't say it to you guys, but I could say it somewhere else. You know who's kidding who? I'm going to say it. I'm going to say it because I've been saying it my whole fucking life. You know, it's just going to come. That's how you become an old person where someone's going like grandpa. Do you know the origin of that?

Oh, shut up. You're first year freshman. All right. You fucking cunts. I've been around 80 years. Stop breaking my balls. If I want to say 23 speed, God damn it, I'm going to say it. You know, you almost kill your fucking grandfather trying to get him to stop saying something.

All right. Let me, let me get to the advertising here. Oh, here we go. Oh, the old trunk club. Trunk club, everybody. Do you hate going to the mall? Sure. We all do.

Surely you've been to a mall. Surely you're not going to sit there and say you haven't. Trunk club shopping takes forever and no one has time for it. Well, people who enjoy it though, they live for it. Let's go shopping. You know, those fucking dopes just go down and they would sit there and look at outfits. You know, never once putting their ear up to the shirt and hearing the crying child that sewed it together, you know, throwing out their old fucking clothes, just end up in the

ocean or in some hipster's back who pretends he had the job you had, right? Shopping, you know, I used to always drop off clothes at Goodwill. Who's kidding who? I still do. And I thought it went to fucking homeless people and it doesn't. It just goes right on their racks and they turn around and they sell them, which makes me feel good knowing that they don't end up in a goddamn ocean, right? Anyways, and now it's spring.

So you need pastel polos in boat shoes, right? And it'd be nice to have your own personal stylist too. I think that has to be a joke. Nobody needs pastel polos in boat shoes. I think that those should only be for the upper 1% of this country. You know what I mean? It's for the robber barons and their date rapist children, you know, and they can walk around. And what would be great is you make an exclusive for them so they'll feel like, oh, look at us.

We are cut above. It'll be like a status symbol. But really what it is, is it's a warning for anyone that dates their children. You know what I mean? Instead of wearing the Scarlet A, the Euro whore, you just have those pastel colors just be like, you know, it gives the ladies a little heads up, you know, that there's going to be a sense of entitlement coming at them with a heart on, right? You got to give them the fucking heads up.

Jesus Christ. I'm just trying to do my part here, right? Let me pour out a little wine cooler for Edith Warden here. And it'd be nice to have your own personal stylist too. With Trunk Club, you don't ever have to set a foot in a store and you get your very own stylist for free. Make it easy to look your best in clothes that fit you perfectly. Handpicked by your own personal stylist for free with Trunk Club.

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And what's going to happen is they're going to get confused and they're going to go, you know, you know, which is the fucking, the, I don't like this shirt trunk and which is the one, this stuff in the body and they're going to fucking throw a bunch of shirts in the bottom of a lake and they're going to send a body back to Trunk Club. I'm calling that right now. Then they're going to do a first 48 about it. But when this trunk showed up, they couldn't understand why the shirts smelled so bad. I'm sorry, it's bad.

Trunk Club is not just another way to shop online. It isn't. Your stylist takes the time to understand your unique look. And if you live it, that's just something funny about that. I was just picturing somebody standing in a mirror looking at themselves trying to figure out their look, you know, you know, that little thing where you have your hands on your hip and then you stick one foot in front of the other, like you're a horse answering a question because you want some oats.

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Shipping is always free. And you have 10 days to try to try on the clothes risk free. What are you putting it off like a term paper? Oh God, I gotta try that shirt on. Make a statement at the next big event on your calendar with the look that's handpicked just for you and your style. Mike, what are you trying to say? I'm trying to say I'm a day rapist with my pastel colors.

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I'm screaming my jokes for three nights in a row. Oh God. Am I really going to start to sing right now? Oh fuck. Okay. Bo-do-do-do me undies. Me undies. No more sweaty balls.

Bo-do-do-do me undies. Me undies. Skating down the fucking canals. You're in fucking Ottawa. You're on the canal. You're wearing your undies with your pal. Both your balls are really fucking dry. You have to get really chafed because it's cold.

Me undies will keep them warm. All right. Me undies. By the way, if you ever skate the canal out here, I've always been afraid to do it. You know, I've done it, but I was nervous when I did it. I just kept thinking about the omen like I was going to fall through and everyone's going to be hacking at the ice trying to get me out again. The canal is only a foot deep. You know, it's really no big deal.

The worst thing that could happen is you could get severe frostbite and they have to remove both your feet. Like in that movie, Misery. Well, in the movie, she just fucking breaks his ankles. In the book, she cuts off his fucking feet. I love when they do shit like that. It's just like, okay, so you've severed a major artery and this guy somehow doesn't bleed out in the bed. Because let me guess, you tied your fucking belt around his calf. Does that even work, by the way?

Like if somebody fucking, did you see the fucking redneck that blew his goddamn leg off? Oh my God. There's this new fucking thing that rednecks are doing, you know, because they just love shooting stuff and blowing stuff up. And as much as people, you know, who don't have their own spread living in the middle of nowhere, judge them somewhere in the back of your head, you know, it's fun. You know, riding around on a fucking four-wheeler, shooting a gun on your own fucking property, you know, it's gotta feel great. That's a level of freedom that I've never heard. I've never felt, you know. I live in the city with his noise ordinances, you know, which basically noise on my property should not carry over. Like you can basically call the cops if somebody's splashing around in their pool too loud.

He's mocking the fact I don't have one. The cops go over, then they just start beating people, right? Or air quote, getting the situation under control. Ah, Christ, what the fuck was I just talking about? Oh yeah, riding around, you know, so I watched this new thing that they do. They take this some sort of explosives and they put it in these old cars and then hopefully they stand far enough away and the fucking thing blows up. Well, this fucking guy, all right, redneck blows. Look at this shit right here. It goes redneck blows himself up, blows up house, blows himself up in a bonfire, blows up pigs, almost blows his head off.

This is such redneck stuff. Stupid redneck blows himself up. Fire blows up, blows himself up. Boat motor blows up. Fucking rednecks are crazy. Blows leg off. Let's see, where is it? Come on. All right, yep, and an American gun enthusiast.

You had to throw American in there. Georgia man loses leg effort, explosive filled lawn mower. I will link you this. You don't see his leg blow off, blow off his body, but this guy basically, it's called, I hope I say it right, tannerite, it's some sort of explosive. And the new thing that these rednecks do is they fucking, you put it in whatever vehicle. You notice it's really what's going on here is these rednecks are starting to be a little more classy. After all these fucking years of having a car die, they just leave it on their front lawn. Now they're getting rid of it. They're blowing them up. So they put this tannerite, however the fuck you say it, it's just explosive.

And there's some sort of formula, like basically forever, for every such and such amount, you need to be like a hundred feet back. All right, so let's say whatever we'll just say this guy's, if he's got a handful of this fucking tanner out, God, we're doing math now, Bill. All right, and he need, he basically needed to be about like, I don't know, 500 feet back and he was 40 feet away from this lawn mower. And he fucking shoots the shit, right? He fucking shoots it. And he blows the fucking thing up. All right, listen to this shit. And he had some of you had to do their fucking DJ remix of it. Anyways, he's shooting it and he's shooting the lawn motion.

All of a sudden it fucking blows up and then he's on the ground. And you just, you just, you can't see anything. You just, the camera's pointing at the ground, you just hear him go, I blew my leg off. Fucking unbelievable. I'm amazed that he could actually say that. I would just be staring at the stump going, I mean, well, oh my God, he's got to tell that story for the rest of, at what point does that? Can he laugh along with everybody else? You know, I bet he's considered like a tragic, a tragic figure now in the redneck community.

You know, like he'll probably, you know, at the next cross burning, they let him light it. He hobbles up and everybody gives him a round of applause, like they're all fucking sad. Like what happened to him was some sort of a terrorist act rather than self-imposed fucking stupidity. Jesus Christ. You know, I feel bad for the guy, but who the fuck are you doing? Shooting a goddamn gun at dynamite, basically, whatever the fuck it is in a goddamn lawn mower. That's the fucking blade alone. The shrapnel from that.

I got to look this shit up. Top 10 dumb ways to blow you out to die. All right, we'll go with that to die. All right, let me hear your March Madness brackets. Top 10 dumb ways to die. Always the opening the elevated doors before the elevator gets there and not looking and then stepping in and falling to your death. Playing with guns. I don't fucking know.

Top 10 dumbest ways to die. Here we go. All right. Starving in a supermarket. I didn't want to read that one. Diving off a cliff but survive, but die of shock from the high price of your hospital bill. Jesus Christ. Jesus.

I don't need to hacky jokes. I have plenty of those. Come on. 10 absolute dumbest ways to die. All right. This is all going to be clickbait or shit. Okay, you know what? Go fuck yourself.

You guys should be dying right now waiting for me to read this. Trying to kiss a reflection of the moon in a lake. All right. Somebody died doing that. And then I got to click another page. You know what I mean? So you can have advertising on every fucking page and somehow you can fucking afford Twinkies this month. Go fuck yourself.

All right. So anyway, let's talk about the tour here. So the first day we were in Windsor right across from Detroit and it was awesome. I stayed at this great hotel and you could look right across the, what the fuck it was. I guess it isn't Lake Erie, is it? Is it just a river? I don't know what the fuck you call it. Is it a sound?

Oh, the Detroit River. And you see beautiful downtown Detroit. And Detroit never looks more beautiful when you're not in Detroit, when you're across the fucking river looking at it from Windsor. And I just kept asking a bunch of people like, because I'm going to invest, I'm going to buy something in Detroit. I'm going to do it. God damn it. You know? Invest back in America.

I think I totally believe in that city. I know it's going to come back. And I was asking people where to fucking invest and they were just all laughing and like about 40 miles north. Like nobody believes in it, which is what's making me want to fucking buy there even more. You know, it's fucking dirt. God damn cheap. It's going to come back at some point and it has to come back. Sit right there on the river.

I know the fucking Cleveland Cavaliers guy bought up a bunch of fucking skyscrapers there. That's got him, you know? He put like the people from Google in one of them. I have no idea. But the shit is so cheap there. I don't get how you fucking lose. I like the idea. You go in there, right?

You fix the fucking place up that you buy and then you don't kick the people out that live in there. And then they got a nice place to live. Right? Maybe they get some in a better mood. Slowly, but surely you just start turning it around. I think any American, right? What we should do with these fucking cities because God knows the government's not going to do anything. I don't think they can because they're bitches to the fucking Federal Reserve bankers.

Right? They don't have any fucking money. They're robbing Peter to pay Paul. So I think with whatever money they let us keep, we ought to just start fucking, you know, buying up some shit in Detroit. Turn it around. Don't kick the people out. Get it going again. Maybe then they can start making American cars right again.

Start fucking with the BMWs, the Audi's. It's a fucking travesty that we don't really have anything they can fuck with those cars. The fact that they're going to alligate around the base level Cadillac, the base level Lincoln Continental. Right? Are going to pale in comparison to what those maniacs in Germany are doing. I mean, I don't understand why. No, we can fucking do it. I guess Buick's are selling like fucking hotcakes.

Is that a racist thing? Anything with cakes in it, I think is racist. Hotcakes. Back in the day when they were actually, every 10 years, let a slave have a birthday. One of the things the slave owners would do was actually heat up the cake so it would burn their mouths because they were that evil. Here's another chapter of white evil that you didn't know existed. Selling like hotcakes. I guess hotcakes were pancakes back in the day and you know goddamn well, you know.

Having pancakes must have been a fucking treat because I remember back when you read the Tom Sawyer book, right? Uncle Barry Finn. Fucking kids paint the fence just to get an apple. Like that was considered like a treat. Because all day long you would just sit around eating fucking, I don't know, chewing on shrubs. I don't know what the fuck you're doing. So anyways, I want to buy there. I want to buy something there and not become the fucking evil person that boots the people out that are in there.

He just fixed the fucking place up. Gives a shit. You know. Once of course the people in there then fuck the whole place up then I would be upset. You know how much that plaster cost. I was trying to do something nice. Whatever. Eventually I'm going to look into that.

So we did wait Wednesday and we had a great time and Verzi was there. So of course I smoked a cigar. So you know I only do two cigars a month now. So last month I only smoked one. February I had two and a half because we started to smoke one and it wasn't smoking well. We had got halfway through and like this fucking cigar sucks. So I actually smoked two and a half. So I smoked two in January.

I feel like the fucking rain man right now. So then four and a half, five and a half. So I'm actually half a cigar under my goal for this year. So April 1st I already smoked a cigar. So now I can only have one more or technically one and a half more. But I'm actually going to try to get down to one a month. And to be honest with you I kind of like to go all the way to my birthday in June and not smoke another one. Alright.

Oh god damn it. I enjoy the fucking lifestyle. I enjoy the whole fucking thing about it. I love going in. I love picking them out. I love the excitement. I love the smell. I love the old fucking chairs.

You sit there. I love that there's no fucking young people there. You know. And by young people I mean anybody 39 and younger. You just don't run into them. You know. Everybody's just chilling the fuck out. Smoking a cigar.

I don't care what kind of a maniac you are. Fucking kids that they put on Ritalin and all this type of shit. You just give these kids a cigar. Say I'm sit down. Puff. You know. Next thing you know. You just you're thinking about.

You just think about how great life is. There's something about smoking a cigar. That's all you're just not thinking about. How great it is. How great it is that you can enjoy the fucking day. You start planning your retirement. How the fuck you're going to get out of this bullshit. So you can just sit around in whatever zen you've somehow come into.

I mean. I swear to God. If cigarettes make you feel like that. I understand why people do that shit. It's funny. But you know. Non smokers like myself. You know.

I actually am a smoker now with the fucking cigars. But you know. He's always looked down on those fucking people that smoke cigarettes. They were huddled outside and all that shit. You know. I don't know. Maybe maybe maybe they know something I don't. I'm not advocating smoking.

I don't know what I'm saying. By the way. Canada. Windsor airport. Jesus Christ. What a fucking gem that is. I love small airports. There's nothing better than that.

Little ass fucking airport. Then when I went to Toronto. We flew into. We flew over the propeller plane. Jesus Christ. If you saw Verzi walking to that. He's one of those guys. I don't.

I don't look if he sees propellers. He feels like he's riding in like a Model T Ford. You know. I always just say to myself. Oh, it's a. It's going to fly better. Well, we have much less of a chance. Because there's less working parts here for something to go bad.

You know. I don't know. That's what I tell myself. So anyways. We went to Toronto. We didn't fly into their nightmare fucking airport. We flew to the Toronto. Toronto Islands, which I'd never heard of.

There's a fucking little ass airport there. We get picked up and we took a little ferry. You know, it's fucking hilarious. I'll cross the Western Channel. It literally like we started to go and I started videotaping it. And by the time I pan from out my side window to the front window, we had already gotten across it. You get across it in like 30 seconds.

Or they have a tunnel. You can walk underneath the Western Channel. We did that on the way back. It was a nice little ass airport. After all these years of traveling, I love a little mom and pop airport. Get in. Get the fuck out. It's hilarious.

You show up. They still have the old school metal detector. So you don't have to go through that fucking radiation shower that for some reason. I just don't understand that. So to stop terrorism, you're going to give all of your countrymen cancer. Well, if we fucking kill everybody, who they going to blow up? So anyways, how far into this fucking down 44 minutes? Anyways, but these shows cannot cannot have been going any better.

And I've been working my ass off in Los Angeles for a reason that I'm not allowed to say yet for whatever fucking reason. So I've been worried that I can't, you know, I can't fucking do stand up as much as I'd like. I've been doing a bunch of spots, like little 10 minute spots trying to stay sharp. I just do a little bit of my act. Even the jokes I hate. I'm like, yeah, I just fucking say it.

So you remember how it goes. And I could not be having more fun up here, man, just having a fucking great time. Just figuring out my act. I even figured out this new way to trash women that like isn't as fucking mean as I used to do it. But I still get to make the same points. So I just don't come off, you know, as a complete fucking lunatic all the time. And I don't want to be that guy. You know what I mean?

As much, you know, something I realized I never finished reading the me undies thing. Did I? You know, okay, whether you're wearing a suit or sweats, you spend almost 24 hours a day in your underwear, but instead of making a statement like Superman's tights under his everyday clothes, your underwear is probably boring. Me undies about to change that. Oh, yeah, they're about ready to take your balls to the next level. They're gonna hang a little disco ball.

You know, it's called the third eye, the third ball right off your fucking nuts. You know, can you imagine her excited face when she sees a disco ball hanging off the end of your dick? All right, you should probably get that checked. Please include all of the following. No, Modell is pronounced modal. Every pair of me undies is made from sustainable source modal. A fabric that's twice as soft as cotton.

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I don't like that joke. Remember Superman? What? That he's fighting Batman. You know, somebody on a world star hip hop went one of my favorite fucking websites, you know, watching people, funny vines, you know, music that I'm completely not even aware of. I get to learn about that shit.

And then just some of the most fucking insane fights you're ever gonna see. And there's always a tipping point when you watch fights on world star. It's just always the amazement. And then somewhere it just starts to become sad. And you just start thinking, what is wrong with human beings? Why do we do this shit? Why can't we just go out to a fucking McDonald's or a fucking dance club, you know, and not have like a 50 on 50 fight?

I do have to tell you. The respect I have for someone that actually would go into one of those modern day braveheart fucking things. I mean, I don't give a fuck how many martial art classes you've taken in your life. There is nothing that they teach you in those fucking classes other than to turn around and run, which you already know how to do. When you get in the middle of a fucking melee like that, it's just inevitable. The fucking odds, you know, that's the fight version of being like the helicopter gunner

in Vietnam where they had like a fucking a life expectancy of two fucking weeks. It's just, you just stand in there and you know what's gonna happen. All right, you're gonna, you're gonna, something's gonna fucking hit you. You're gonna get knocked out. And I have to tell you the influence of MMA on these fucking street fights now back in the day. I seem to remember when you knocked somebody out, that was it. You didn't sit on their chest and throw another 40 punches to their head, waiting for big

John to come over and fucking, you know, I'll show you out of there. There's no ref. That fucking shit where you already knocked somebody out, then you boot him in their head. I mean, at that point, that's like attempted murder, man. You won. You knocked them out. You come up and you do this. You sit on that chest and do a fucking speedbag thing.

Fucking brutal. But anyways, you know, these meundies, I'm gonna get through this. Shipping is free in the US and Canada and you save up to $8 a pair with meundies subscription plan. Get the subscription. You know, it's like a fucking end zone dance. I always thought it was cooler when you fucking just scored a touchdown. You flip the ball to the ref.

Like, yeah, I'm gonna be doing this all day. You knock somebody out. Yeah, you just turn around like, yeah, my job's done here. You walk away like Clint Eastwood in one of those Drifter movies. You know, you sit on that chest and you're like, you fucking kind of spaz out screaming. What did I tell you bitch? You know, with your voice goes up nine octaves. When your voice goes up like nine octaves like that, you kind of betray your bad assness.

You kind of, you hear a level of excitement like, oh my God, I can't believe I won. That's what I always hear. Having said that, I wouldn't want to fight anybody in those videos. And it's not even the fact that I know I would lose. I just know that after I was knocked out, you do irreparable fucking, I can't even say the word, brain damage. Just unnecessary fucking brain damage. You knock me out. You won.

I'm laying there. Okay. My hands are pointing out into outer space. I'm knocked out. Why do you got to go there and knock my melon around more? If I was running for president, I would bring that up. I see in America that goes back to when you knock somebody out, you walk away like Clint Eastwood in a spaghetti wester. All right.

Shipping is free in the U.S. and Canada. And you can save up to $8 a pair with me on these subscription plan. Get the subscription or a single pair. Get 20% off your first order when you go to me on these.com slash birth. It's me on these.com slash birth for 20% off your first order. Me on these.com slash birth. All right. Dollar Shave Club, everybody.

Jesus Christ. I got two more of these fucking things. Dollar Shave Club, everybody. DollarShaveClub.com is a special offer for new members who joined today. You'll get a free month of the executive raiser when you buy a tube of Dr. Cavie's Easy Shave Butter. I'm saying Carvies. All right.

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That means when you join Dollar Shave Club, you can afford to shave with a fresh blade any time you want, which feels fantastic. You'll get a free first class, you'll get a first class shave when you use the executive blade without hurting your wallet. What is the executive blade? Another reason is their Dr. Cavie's Easy Shave Butter. Using it with the executive makes the blade glide gently for the smoothest shave ever. Dr. Carver's Shave Butter isn't your average shave cream.

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Hey! DollarShaveClub.com. All right. Stamps.com, everybody. This is the last one, mercifully. All right. Stamps.com. Stamps to the post office are never convenient.

Well, if you don't like your wife, they're fucking great. You know what? I'm going to walk. So why not get postage right from your desk with Stamps.com? Stamps.com even gives you special postage discounts you can't get at the post office, including first-class priority mail, express, international, and more. You'll never pay full price for postage again. Here's how Stamps.com works.

Get your own computer and printer. Buy and print official U.S. postage for any package or letter. Then just hand your mail to the mailman or mail lady or drop it in the mailbox. It's that easy. No wonder over 600,000 small businesses are already using Stamps.com. I use Stamps.com whenever I send out one of my fucking posters. You know what's funny? I have a poster for this tour, the Plough and a Head Tour.

It's an old Telly Savales movie poster. I spent all this money having this guy do the whole thing up, and we had the whole fucking tagline on it. It looks like an action movie. I'm sitting there, but Telly Savales was holding the gun. I'm holding a microphone. We both are bald-headed. He had a casino and all that shit.

I have a helicopter and all this dumb shit that I'm fucking into. It was like this action movie. Then we had all this fucking silly shit. They tried internet porn. They fished out the oceans, but nothing could stop the man with no answers. It was supposed to be like this movie poster. I don't think the casinos understood it. They took away all of the words, whatever the fuck you call it, all the text.

They took all of it away, and they just have this standalone poster, and now I just look like a magician. Is he going to come in a helicopter and make a truck disappear? It doesn't make any sense, and I spent all this fucking money on it. Most of them are just using my poster for my last tour, when I had what's left of my hair grown out in a beard, so I don't even look the same. It's just been a shit show.

Right now, sign up for Stamps.com and use my last name, Burr, for the special offer four-week trial, plus a $110 bonus that includes postage and a digital scale. Call to action verbatim. Read this verbatim. Don't wait. Get started with Stamps.com today. Go to Stamps.com before you do anything else.

Click on the microphone at the top of the home page and type in Burr, that's Stamps.com, enter Burr. B-U-R-R. There you go. Was that verbatim enough? I'm such a control freak. I can't even handle people who are giving me money telling me what the fuck to do.

55 minutes, alright, this whole day is getting away from me. I haven't even read any of the fucking questions, and I haven't even talked about the Bruins, how we're one point out. We beat St. Louis, and then we lost to Chicago. I, of course, didn't see any games, because I was fucking traveling. You know what's funny?

I had like five or six Cunty Chicago fans talking shit. You know, it's so funny. Last time we played him, we beat him. I don't talk any shit. Do I talk any shit? No, right? I hate these fucking people, like these whack-a-mole fans that, you know, oh, we kicked your ass today,

and then they duck back down, nowhere to be found, you know, when you fucking lose. Like Chicago's got to do in the playoffs, you fucking goddamn cunts. I actually like the Blackhawks, and fans like that make me fucking root against them. So anyways, coming up this week, my Bruins, my beloved Bruins,

all right, we are playing, our next game is, where the fuck is it? I think we're playing, no, we play Carolina, I believe. I think we play Carolina next, right? I get the schedule right here. Where is the schedule? All right, we play Carolina on Tuesday.

It's at the TD Bank North fucking Home Depot Garden, whatever the fuck they're calling it. Carolina notoriously plays us tough. They always match up well. It's always a tough game. And then we have Detroit, which is huge. They're one point ahead of us on Thursday, and then our last game is against Ottawa on Saturday.

All right, so basically the two teams in front of us are Detroit and Philly, both one point ahead of us, I believe. So the great thing is during this week, Detroit and Philly play each other. So, no, I think Philly's a few points ahead. So I'm just rooting for Philly to just win the rest of the way out, all right?

At this point, I have to root against Detroit. I don't have anything against Detroit other than their fucking Conti fans. And they really are Conti fans, you know what I mean? The funny thing about them is they don't realize that their run is over and that it's now all about Chicago and LA and they're wearing the crown, you know what I mean?

For some reason, Detroit is still living off fucking Iserman, you know? I guess they won one last decade too. Actually, they won two. Yeah, but you can see it in Detroit. It's over, you know? It's something that I'm going to experience when Brady and Belichick are gone,

and I'm going to be like, yeah, but we're the Patriots. It's like, yeah, but they're gone. Yeah, they're wearing the same uniform, but it's not the same. I'm fucking with you. I actually love Detroit. I love the franchise. I don't like the fence, you know?

And I've never been that way as I like to think with all the success that, you know, I only talk shit if people give me shit. That's how I try to be, you know? I don't try to act like because my teams are successful. That means somehow in my own personal life, I'm a success like some people do. You know what?

I'm really judging all Blackhawks and Red Wing fans by half a dozen people, which isn't fair. So you know what? Good luck to all of you. And I hope the Bruins fucking pull it out, and if we don't, we got no one to blame but ourselves. Just fucking good Lord. What a fucking season.

Up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down. That's what the fucking spent. Now I just need up the last two, three, up. Just fucking nice three game winning streak. And no one will remember any of this shit. Dan Shaughnessy is sitting there with the fucking heart on being like, I can finally write an article about hockey that I understand. Somebody blew it?

Oh yeah, I can write this all fucking day. All right, let's get to the questions, then I got to get the fuck out of here. All right. The All-Star Cafe. On March 28th podcast, you briefly mentioned you were a regular muncher, and Nia was a waitress.

The All-State, not the All-Star. For some reason, you wrote All-Star up here, then All-State. Before she got pink-slipped, and now closed down All-State Cafe on the Upper West Side. I thought your listeners might be intrigued to learn that your meeting place was also a meeting place for a young teacher and her murderer. In January of 1973, during a one-night stand,

murdering a partner guarantees there ain't no second night, right? Jesus Christ, I didn't know that. The Grotesque multi-stabbing crime got so much infamous publicity that the pub changed its name from the W.M. Tweeds to the All-State. The murder inspired the book and subsequent movie starring the then scantily clad Diane Keaton. Also, apparently, Kevin Bacon had once tended barred there, too. I wonder if they fired him also.

I didn't know that. Jesus, that's fucking creepy. I don't believe in ghosts or anything like that. Not even remotely, but that type of shit is just scary. By the way, I love hearing about history. Even as much as I fucking that cakewalk thing, I was trashin' that guy. I like that type of shit. All right, girlfriend bothered and annoyed by sexy TV show character.

Dear Billy Blankballs. My girlfriend and I were recently watching the new season of Daredevil, and we're enjoying it. However, one character, Elektra, was introduced, and she bothered the hell out of my girlfriend. For reference, Elektra is this character that is sexy, provocative, and an all-around badass ninja woman. Elektra is also like that weird sort of...

Isn't that that mythology thing? What is the... What is that weird fucking thing? Isn't that what... I'm not even gonna say it because if I'm wrong, it has to do with some sort of creepy sexual relations within the family, doesn't it? You know, daughter, father, and then the other one is son, mother. Well, the son kills the dad or some shit.

It's just fucking weird. When I see those types of stories, I actually start believing in Adam and Eve. Well, yeah, there was just two people, and they banged, and then they had this incestuous fucking horseshit for a couple of generations until we fucked ourselves up. Maybe that did happen. Maybe that's why Neanderthals and all, like, or whatever they are, the original cavemen, their heads were all fucked up looking.

It's because everyone was related. Who the fuck knows? Anyways, she was a cool character, but my girlfriend hated her. I noticed that it wasn't anything against the character since she couldn't tell me why she didn't like her other than she just bothers her. Other people have told me that their girlfriends slash wives are the same way with Elektra when watching this show, with their significant other.

I know it isn't just this character because any female that is in a sexy badass role, I have noticed women, specifically ones with boyfriends, don't like. Is this just some kind of insecurity women have? Do they really dislike their boyfriends seeing someone that may be sexier than them? Well, yeah, if you fucking put it that way, they're going to be annoyed. Hey, honey, do you know, they see that girl? Look how much sexier she is than you. When she watches Fight Club, you know,

does she say how fucking much better little Brad Pitt's looking? Anyways, are they worried that this fictional TV character is going to steal me away from her? I am wondering if I should say anything because quite frankly, it's starting to get on my nerves. She will root against the character for no reasons besides the ones listed above. I don't know if I would just make her more pissed off though. Have you ever been in a situation like this? Love the show and as always, go fuck yourself. Here's the thing.

One of the worst things you can do when you get into a relationship with a woman is to start having your behavior be dictated by just trying to keep them in a good mood. Alright? I'm not saying walk around and be an asshole, but if you're not being a fucking asshole and they're just being moody fucking assholes, like you got to call them out on it. Yeah, like, and this is another thing too. I treat them like adults rather than treating them like children,

which is what a lot of guys do because physically we're stronger than them. So you feel like if you say anything to them, it's like you're yelling at a child. You're not. Not only is that an adult in a lot of ways, they're more advanced because they can't beat the fuck out of you. They have to go, they have to go with their mental, right? That's why they can just manipulate you like a fucking little puppet there because they can just play Jedi mind games because they, they, they're not going to, they, from day one, they're like, all right, this fucking thing is going to be stronger than me at some point.

So I need to learn how to control it just using my brain, right? That's how you end, end up holding fucking yarn. Oh, I was kidding. No woman sews anymore, right? They barely even cook. That's how you end up at fucking brunch. This is what you got to say. You just got to just hit pause and just, I would just be like, what is your problem with this character?

You're ruining the show for me. Okay. If you look at, look at Daredevil. He's got abs. You see me acting like a fucking baby about this. You know, if you don't like the way you look, go to the gym. Hit the, why don't you be inspired by this fuck? That's, that's what I feel when I, when I watch a superhero movie, other than I, the other, other than like a, when the fuck is this dumb horseshit going to be over.

It always makes me feel like, you know, I got to hit the gym. I can literally sit there and watch Thor, who's probably a foot taller than me a thousand times better looking than I'm ever going to be. And all that dude does is make me want to go to the gym. But then again, if you look at our roles, like all I need to do is earn enough money where I can get a Ferrari and a to pay. And next thing you know, I can bang some whore that's been in a fucking magazine. And that's basically how it works. If I drive the car in the right part of the world, right? Drive around the fucking French Riviera.

Jesus Christ, you have no idea what you're going to be banging. They don't have that option. You know what I mean? They can't be like, well, I'm a six, but you know, if I start making money, I can go get myself a Brad Pitt. You can't. And you know what? You can't blame society. You got to blame the good Lord for that one.

So maybe that's why, maybe that's why. Because no matter what she does, she can't. I don't know. I don't fucking know. Ask her, but you know, something I wouldn't be on, you know, if she's ruining your show, you got to call around on it. All right. Okay. Going bald.

Dear Billy bald cap. I'm 24 and I'm going bald. This runs in my family as both my grandfathers were bald. So I don't have any sort of identity crisis about it. In fact, I'm leaning into it and we'll joke about it when appropriate. My question to you is when do I finally start buzzing my every buzzing everything away? The last thing I want to do is rock a George Costano. Can't Costanza look, but would like to have a full head of hair while I can before I look like I'm in denial.

No com overs for this cut. My hair is thin, but still covers everything on top though. My barber did crack more jokes than usual at my last at my expense. Last time I went to get it cut. No, I didn't provide a picture because this isn't a fucking Rogan commercial. Given your experience. I love to hear your input on what when you pulled the trigger to buzz it all, all the way and possibly the input of the lovely Nia. Well, Jesus Christ.

What am I your fucking stylist? Well, I think, you know, something if your barber starts making jokes, you know what I mean? I feel like there's not enough time left on the clock for you to make a comeback. That's basically like now you're lining up and the dude across to you is talking shit about how they're moving on to the next round of the playoffs and you're not. So it sounds like it's already over. You know, I don't know, dude. What am I? What kind of a fucking man asked another man a question like this?

Just fucking, you know, shave your fucking head or go get a hair plugs or put Rogan on it. Or diet a different fucking cover. I'll give a fuck what you do with it. What is my experience? My experience was when I was just sick of it. I was sick of the slow death and I was just like, you know, let's just put this thing out of its misery. And I got to tell you, it's not nearly as bad as everybody fucking thinks. I was kidding who everybody would love to have a full head of hair, but you know something, I got to be honest with you.

Once you start buzzing your head, it's kind of fucking awesome. You know what? It's great about having a shaved head. You're always ready to go. I got to tell you, as much as I would love to still have a full head of hair, I love the fact that I'm always ready to go. All I got to do is throw a shirt on, splash a little water on my face and you have no fucking idea that I was laying in my sweatpants five minutes earlier. I was speaking of which I'm just kidding. I always make sure I get ready.

You know, there was this fucking person, you know, I went out, you know, I took some pictures with people after the show. And these fucking people that have like this fucking guy comes up, I can already smell him. All right. And then he goes to put his arm around me during the fucking picture and I'm telling you like literally could make paint peel off the fucking walls was how bad this guy's body odor was. And he's with other people and they don't smell. It's like, why don't you say something to him? Because I'm not going to say it. Okay.

You paid money to see me. Right. I gave you a show and then I come out and I take a picture and then I tell you, you smell bad. I wouldn't do that to somebody, but Jesus fucking Christ. You know what's fucking hilarious about this person too? I kept running into him. And then this person just loved to tell a story that somehow involved, you know, lifting his arms up past his fucking shoulders. Jesus fuck me.

I never noticed how much you lift your arms during telling a story until I ran into this. This guy fucking reeked fucking reeked. Just completely fucking unacceptable. Well into his fucking 20s and he's standing. He's got a couple of friends with them who don't reek. Oh my God, you know, wish I bet I wish I had one of those old school fucking, you know, the spray on deodorant. And as he was telling the story, I'd be like, yeah, and just holding my nose and I would just spray under one armpit. No, keep telling the story and then spray under the other one.

And then I just hand him the can. Do the math there. Fuck. Oh, all right. Psycho girlfriend. Where am I? Okay, so my girlfriend and I have been together for about five years. And lately I've been feeling the get engaged pressure from her family.

Well, yeah. I'm 23 and she's 21. All right, let me rephrase that. Well, no. I thought you guys were older. We've been together since high school and I haven't experienced much else besides, of course, the young middle school tug job girlfriends. I'm afraid of something else. Middle school tug job girlfriends.

I'm afraid of Sunday regretting missing out on meeting a ton of different girls like all my buddies have been. I mean, you're only young once, right? My girlfriend flips out on me about watching porn because I'm thinking about other girls and she acts like I'm cheating on her. And half the time when we're out, she thinks I'm checking out other girls because you probably are due because you want to because you want to break up with her. That's what I'm guessing. She's a drop dead gorgeous girl. So I don't get what she's so insecure about. But like I said, she's crazy.

She gets abusive with me and I just kind of sit there and take it all the time. She's Latina, by the way, Honduran and Nicaraguan. She's got that wild temper. All right. I was I considered racist to say that Latina chicks are a little crazier than than what? Unlike what pasty drunken Irish chicks. Oh, yeah, they're always so even keeled. When I asked for space, I woke up the next day and my car was keyed.

She claims she had nothing to do with it. I love the girl. She's all I've ever known and she's amazing most of the time. But I'm not sure if I can live like this forever with her temper and jealousy. What would you do? Anyways, love the podcast. Thanks for the advice and go fuck yourself. P.S. Good luck with the home gym.

Everybody knows you got no business in a regular. I'll go fuck yourself. I got no business in a regular gym. Oh, and you do what you're sitting here and you're a fucking goddamn, you know, something. I actually had fucking. I actually had sympathy for it. I was going to give you some good advice. You know what?

Go fuck yourself. You know what your problem is in this thing? You know, you just you allowed it. You're young. I'm not going to be a dick to you. Okay. You're young. This is the deal.

All right. You got yourself a hot girl. All right. And you did not have set up the relationship. She fucking rolled all over you. You're asking what I do in your situation. If I was 23, I'd be doing what you were doing. I'd be staying in the relationship wanting to get out and dealing with this bullshit.

But I can tell you this right now. Her looks aren't always going to be there, but she's always going to have keys. You know what I mean? So that's what you're signing up for. Go out the fucking window. You're marrying the fucking person. If this fucking lunatic every time, you know, God forbid your mailman is a fucking woman who's younger than her at that point.

You know, I don't know. I don't know. I can use to wishy washy. I can't tell whether you fucking want to be in it or not. But I can tell you this right now. Any woman keys your car. That's it. It's fucking over.

Okay. That is the level of being a complete fucking psycho, a complete disrespect for your own property and a sign that when she was a child, she was never told no. The fact that you would go out and do something like that. Yeah. I don't know. It sounds to me like you want to go fucking get some notches on your belt. And you're afraid that if you do and you break up with this girl that she's going to fucking stab you.

I don't know. I got claustrophobic reading it. If that means anything, but I'm a fucking lunatic. All right, sketchy ex-girlfriend. Hey, you cunty leprechaun. Jesus, everybody's staring into the redhead shit this week. Every once in a while, I got to give you guys shit. Can you be a little more original?

I like that Billy blank ball. That was fucking funny. 58 fucking, you know, fucking redhead jokes in a row. I get it. You know, I get it. You don't have an hour's time. You can do a 10 minute set. You're a showcase comic.

All right. Hey, you cunty leprechaun. I am 16 years old and my girlfriend is 15. Today she texted me with a picture of a tattoo asking if I like it. It is what? It is the date of her grandfather's death. Personally, I hate tattoos and thinks if she keeps getting them, she will look like a fucking phone book. I also think her mother is irresponsible, spelt with a bunch of ease.

E responsible for letting her get a tattoo spelt with one. Oh, so young. What are your thoughts about this? And how, uh, what's your thoughts about this and how she didn't tell me till after she got it? Thank you. And I love your shows and your podcast. Um, yeah. All right.

She's 15. She already got her first tattoo. What you got to do is close your eyes and age her. When is she getting the face tattoo and the nose ring and the fucking Olympic fucking rings in her ears to be different? Um, yeah, I'm not into tattoos. You know, I think a certain type of person can pull it off. Um, and that's not 98% of the population, but 98% of the population for some reason has tattoos. Now I don't get it.

I feel like there's a certain level badass dude and a certain level badass chick that gets tattoos. And when you meet him, it makes sense. And it actually, you know, I don't know if I see a woman and she's a badass and she has tattoos, it actually makes her more attractive to me. If she's just some fucking dope, you know, and she has like some advice column tattooed on the back of her fucking neck or some Chinese sign above her ass crack, you know, symbol. Then yeah, it's just like Jesus Christ, you know, like the amount of people out there that gets sleeves like back in the day when you got a sleeve. I mean, you were like some biker outlaw. You know, now it's like you work at urban outfitters. You know, the biggest badass thing about you is your fucking music selection on your fucking iPhone.

I have no idea. All I know is I got to get a rental car in 10 minutes. If I don't, I'm going to be late to my show. So this is the podcast for this week, the Monday morning podcast. God bless all of you. I love when you guys trash me in the fucking emails, but yeah, can we, can we just keep, can you keep it interesting for the reader here? I know I'm a redhead. I know they're easy jokes, but come on.

What if I did that with my stand up act? You know, would you come out and see me? If I was out there going, what's the deal with New York and LA? All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. See you. Hey, what?