Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-6-15

Episode Date: April 6, 2015

Bill rambles about murdered scientists, milky thighs and his Southern Tour.

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Oh, Canada. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. And it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, April 6th, 2014. And some of you probably wondering, hey Bill, you're a full-blooded fucking American, right? What are you coming in with this week's podcast singing the Canadian National Anthem? Oh, Canada. We are for you.

You know why? Because my stupid fucking recorder, for some reason, I got to talk for 30 seconds for it to get the proper levels. So what am I going to do, huh? You're singing National Anthem is what you do. I was singing about the walls in my house. Why do people put shit on the walls? All it does is crack the fucking plaster there. But if you don't have pictures on the wall, people think you have bodies in the basement.

Speaking of old Canada, how about those Boston Bruins? Turn it on when they needed to turn it on. All you fucking fans up there in Ottawa skating down the river on your way to work. What did you think was going to happen? Did you think that you were going to catch the big bad Bruins, huh? One of the original six. How dare you, Ottawa? You stand down.

You stand down and you watch that river melt. You watch the water run like the tears going down. You have fucking frostbitten cheeks because you ain't making the playoffs. Playoffs, the fucking playoffs. The Bruins are. And I'm calling it right now. We're going to play the Montreal Canadians in the first round. And we're game one.

We're getting our first win against those fucking silly sock French fucks. Oh, French people love their silly socks in their little pocket squares. Going to the game with their blue blazer. Thinking that they know more than the fucking coach. Those cunts, right? We're beating them in game one. That's what we're doing. What's going to happen in game two?

I don't know. I didn't think that far. But if you would like a prediction. I just heard the door slam. I think my wife just woke up. She's pissed at me already. If you would like a prediction. I say that we come out there and we win again.

Yep. Then we go down to Boston, right? Oh, shit. We're going to sweep them. We're not going to sweep them. I don't know if we're going to fucking get out of the first round. But I can tell you right now, if we actually, if I'm a fucking, I'll tell you right now, if I'm a Montreal Canadian fan,

I got to be thinking if I'm playing the fucking Bruins, if we lose, if you guys fucking lose to us after the season we had, after the domination that you guys fucking had, you got to, you can't tell me that's not creeping in the back. You little French fucking brain there is, you know, your little wannabe French brain. You're not French. You're Canadian.

That's right. You're part of North America. You're part of, you're attached to us. This obesity, it goes right up over the fucking borders, right up to your Timmy hoes with you guys sitting there, eating your fucking donuts. What do you think you're better than us? Cause you got you Canadians, you eat your fucking donuts

with your little pinky sticking out, huh? With your loafers and you know socks, your little fucking pocket squares, huh? Is that what you think? I'll tell you right now, the playoff start, I'm going to go a total cliche here. Playoff start, it's a whole new season. Everybody zero and zero, they got none to lose.

I'll tell you right now, the girls, they're playing desperate. I'll tell you the desperate team was dangerous. Do you guys watch any sports this weekend? Can somebody explain to me how Wisconsin beat Kentucky? Somebody explained to me how a team playing the game of basketball, a team that is wider than my thighs, somehow beat the Kentucky Wildcats. See that?

That's why you can never be prejudiced. You can't be racist because he's always going to prove you wrong. I don't know shit about hoop. I don't know shit about college basketball. I don't know shit about a lot of things. And I sat down to watch that game and I'm looking at that number 44 in Wisconsin. I'm like, this guy is a mess.

Look at him. He looks like he's in a jam band. This guy does not look like a fuck it basketball player. And all of a sudden he's doing all this Kevin McHale stretching around. I don't know, it was a hell of a game. And I actually, I've become a Wisconsin fan just because of, I told you guys this a couple of guys developed the show with and I went on a tour with Nate Craig.

He was a big Wisconsin guy. And so I like those guys. So I root for that team. But however, I'm also a big Kentucky fan. So it was this weird thing. I didn't know. I love John Calipari. And hey, John fucking Calipari over there.

Let's go to that. Let's go over to fucking Calipari. We'll give you a fucking little cleaning with a little clay. I'm sure she, um, you know, I fucking love Italians. And I love Italian food. So here's this guy. And then I also like how Calipari is a little shady. You know what I mean?

How did he turn that program around in Memphis? Somebody explained to me how I never even knew that Memphis even had a school. Forget about a fucking basketball team next thing. You know, he brings them to the final four. Maybe he didn't. I don't know. I'm just repeating shit.

I heard other people say, I'm just repeating shit. I heard Bobby Nightbitch about, huh? That fucking drunk with power maniac. Good Lord. You ever see anybody needs a more of a swift kick in the ass than that guy? Jesus Christ. Right in his fucking khakis. My hope when they bury it's me.

They bury it's me face down so my critics can kiss my ass. Hey, Bob, whatever you want us to do. That's when he fucking went off the rails. There were some rails and he went off on people. Speaking of going off the rails. I'd like to commend a certain channel out there right now that is not responding to a bunch of horseshit that's come in their way. That's the exact way you handle this new era of offended over nothing.

This guy tweeted something in 1840. I don't know about this. You got to go back six fucking years to find something bad that somebody tweeted about. Jesus fucking Christ. Even what do you break out of an old borscht belt joke? You know what I mean? Fucking people. Jesus Christ and other comedians getting involved.

What the fuck? What is going on? Everybody acting like a bunch of goddamn babies. Fucking grow up. There you go. Bill Burr speaking out vaguely at best. So I didn't do shit last night. Oh, I know I did last night.

I got absolutely fucking hammered. Got hammered. When I get drunk, I call the people I love and I leave long rambling messages about how great I think they are. But I'm that guy. So you get mad at me because I call you three in the morning, then you wake up and you just laugh. That was nice. That was nice.

He was thinking of me. I actually have one thing in my office that is hanging on the wall and it's a pit bull calendar. I don't know why. I forget where I got it. I think isn't it called for the love of pit bulls? Isn't that what it's called? I think that's what my calendar is called.

It's great. You just look at this adorable pit bull for a whole month, right? Then all of a sudden the month changes. Like I just changed it this morning from March to April. And I literally turned the thing and I just went, oh, look at me in the bone. I just laughed at myself, how pathetic I am. You know, even my dog right now, my dog's laying on the floor in its bed. It's got its back to me.

It's embarrassed. It's embarrassed by its fucking master. Master. Fucking man. Don't give me a fucking break. I'm not as things master. It's running the goddamn house. Shit's whatever it wants to.

And then I pick it up. I'm the master. I don't think so. Does the master walk around? Then again, the dog is on a leash. I don't know. Sounds like a bad 80s stand up. Why am I the master?

Fucker, pick up the shit. That's a good fucking character, huh? Filthy Seinfeld. Bad impression of Seinfeld while being completely filthy. I'll work on that. Why, when you put your dick in her eyes, don't she always cry? Who are these whores? Sorry.

I'll go fuck yourself. You fill an hour every week. Anyway, so the Bruins are making the playoffs. I don't even know if they're in yet. I think they're in. I have no idea. We got to play the capitals tonight. Nobody gives a shit.

So whatever. So Wisconsin, the fucking whitest team since the Washington Generals is playing Duke. All right, the Duke, the Duke. Sorry, they're playing Duke tonight. And I don't know shit about either team. All I know is that Coach K always seems to fucking win these games. So what do you think is going to happen, huh?

Do you think these cheese eating, yogurt making, ice cream sandwich, scarfing down fat fuck of a state is going to go down? Where are they playing? Are they playing Lucas oil? You know, they actually annoyed me that they were, that they sold it out there at Lucas oil field. And I was thinking about Jim Ursay making all that fucking money. You know, and it's just like, what, what is he going to do now

to try to attack the Patriots because that fucking jackass can't beat us? Cheating the fucking ball. Oh, you fucking cunt. You're such a cunt. You know, you stole our offense. I think then you won a Super Bowl. Isn't that enough for you, Jimmy? Jimmy.

Um, so ridiculous. It's the only owner's name that I know him and him and old Bobby Kraft who made all that money with the cheese, didn't he? Which brings us back to Wisconsin. Um, so anyways, I'm going to watch that game tonight. And, uh, and I think that's it. I think that's all I got. I don't know what else I'm going to do.

I went to a, I drank, I gotta stop drinking dude. I drank way too much this fucking week. You know, I have nobody, you know what it is? I have nobody to answer to. All right. You can sit there and say that, you know, you're one of these people, right? Oh, I'm one of these people. I just, you know, everything in moderation.

Fuck you. Shut your face. All right. You're wearing too much makeup, first of all, and shut your face. Okay. First of all, the reason why you don't drink is because you have a fucking boss, which is like having a parent. All right.

So I don't want to fucking hear it. You have somebody to answer to. Anybody can be fucking responsible and not drink when they have a child, when they have a boss, when they have somewhere they have to be the next day. All right. When you really find your willpower and what you're made of is when you have none of those things, when you have no children, you have no boss, you have nobody to answer to. Your wife's cool, you know, you snore.

She just sends you into the guest room, right? That's when you find whether or not you're an alcoholic or not. That's when you see if you're really going to pass the fucking test. And I'll tell you right now, whole freckles, whole freckles is failing miserably. Oh my God. I was drinking, this buddy of mine was fucking leaving town. So we go out and we fucking drink. He's got a buddy of his and at one point the guy comes over with like,

I don't know what it was. It was some sort of fuck. It was like Red Bull with a Jaeger shot in it. And I have to commend myself for the, everybody fucking drank it but me. I was like, I'm drinking scotch over. I'm a fucking drinking that. Jesus Christ. Fucking mouthwash and a monster drink.

What the fuck is wrong with you? What are you, homeless? I could literally go out to the dumpster and find something better to get drunk off of. What the fuck? What if we're Red Bull and a yeah, whatever the fuck it was. I was giving all of them shit. Like, why don't you just fucking, you know, do a shot of shampoo and some fucking licorice? Is that what you said, Bill?

Well, you know, I don't really remember. I don't really remember. I just remember being smart enough not to drive. I don't do Uber though. I'm old school, man. I get a taxi, but everybody, I'll do it. I'll fucking over your home. It's just weird to me, man.

I don't like just getting in a stranger's fucking car, you know, without that fucking partition there, some sort of writing on the side of the car, you know, a phone number. Somebody you can call when the guy takes out an axe. I just, I don't understand, like, how lazy are serial killers that they can't even fucking muster up? Well, I guess they make some more. Oh, they can't even muster up to fucking where with all just to become an Uber driver. Why don't you make your life easier? Quit fucking pulling over and dragging people in the car.

Why don't you just become an Uber driver? Just let him get in the fucking car. Why don't you just do that? Is there any checks and balances on that? Just fucking show up and there's a guy. Hey, how you doing? Hey, person, I don't know with a company that I don't even know what it is. Does it even exist?

Is it in the air? Is it a digital company? I don't understand how this shit works. Speaking of that, you know, what's the dumbest fucking thing I've seen in a while is the fucking I watch. I really hope that that thing bombs. Are you really going to sit there watching video like you're fucking, you can't figure out what time it is and you're just staring at your wrist?

Is that what you're going to do? All those stupid features. I think they're out of ideas over there. That's what happened. Oh, Steve Jobs died. Right? He's not cracking the whip and those scientists over there, they're getting lazy. What are you going to make next?

Earrings that you can watch YouTube videos on, it's over. Everything that needs to be invented is invented. And that's why all these scientists are, that's the real reason all these scientists are dying. Have you seen all this shit? Yet another dead scientist. Right? Elberto Behar was a robotics expert for NASA at the JPL. And everybody in science knows that that stands for the jerk plane longitude, whatever the

fuck it is. He died instantly when his single engine plane Nosedive was fucking scientist. God damn scientists, right? Nosedive shortly up to take off Friday morning from Van Nuys Airport. He worked on two Mars missions and spent years researching how robots work in harsh environments like volcanoes and underwater. Well, I can tell you, they work in volcanoes, they fucking melt. You got to do research on that?

As part of NASA's team, exploring Mars with the Curiosity rover. Maybe that's why he killed himself. He had to keep, what project are you working on? Just mumbling Curiosity rover. The what? The Curiosity rover. Awkward silence at the dinner table. And then somebody with a GED starts snickering.

Curiosity rover. Let me get, because it's curious. Fucking egg heads it's the best you can come up with. Behar was responsible for a device that detected hydrogen on the planet's surface as the rover moved curiously over the surf, over the surface. 47-year-old NASA, oh fuck it, all that sounds to me, 47. I'm going to be 47 in June. Does that mean I'm going to die?

47-year-old NASA scientist Alberto Behar helped to prove that there had once been water on Mars, according to the sad Daily Mail, oh shit, Daily Mail is a credible source, published to announce his recent death in a plane crash that happened on Friday in Los Angeles, California, while plane crashes do, this is where you go into conspiracy theory right here, while plane crashes do happen, and scientists do die. Behar's name has now been added to a very long list of scientists and astronomers who've met their untimely ends prematurely, leading us to ask, did Behar know something

that they, that they, in quotes, don't want the rest of society to find out? What the fuck could this guy possibly know? I don't understand what people are saying. Was global warming so overwhelming to him, and he knows that the seas were going to rise, so he just pushed the fucking yoke forward, and that was it, is that what you're saying? This guy worked on robots. He designed a device that discovered fucking hydrogen, it existed on Mars. How could that hurt?

I remember I used to be in conspiracy theory. I still think that there are conspiracies, and I do think that, you know, I mean, I'm conspiring right now to try to somehow do some fucking hour, and act like this is entertaining, so you guys will listen to this shit, so you'll come out to my shows. This whole fucking thing doesn't even exist. And hey, you are listening to it, thinking you're hearing some sort of truth, right? Right there.

I'm going to debunk all of these things. Why did he die? Because scientists are underpaid, and he didn't have a, so he couldn't afford a twin engine, so when this first one, the first one cut out, you know, he was kind of, kind of fucked. Sorry, I don't know. John Rogers, tropic disease expert, well maybe he got too close to the disease, and if you see the size of his glasses, I think this is why. You know what these fucking scientists' problems are?

Is they read too much, and they ruin their eyes, and then they get, then they start flying planes, and they drive cars, and they hit shit. You know what I mean? It's got to suck. You know what I mean? Is your life is flashing before you in that split second, and then you know the exact way you're going to fucking die, because you're an egghead scientist.

So rather than me just flying towards a tree, doing the McGroober, no, no, no. They're actually going to think, my brain is going to slam against the front of the cradle, vortex of fucking, they can do all of that. I wonder if they're going to be brain dead. I mean, this is fucking morbid. All right, Glenn Thomas, AIDS and Ebola expert. Damn, why don't you just work with poisonous snakes while you're at it? Guy's hitting it, juggling plagues while he's eating a subway sandwich.

No wonder he, let me guess, did he die of Ebola? And a spokesperson for the World Health Organization. Well, isn't that the trifecta? This guy just shuts everybody down at the dinner table. Maybe people were sick of him dominating the conversation. This is my husband, Glenn Thomas. He's an Ebola and AIDS expert. And when he's not doing that, he's a spokesperson for the World Health Organization.

What do you do? I tell shit jokes in a strip mall. Ebola expert, Glenn Thomas, who looks surprisingly like Chris Elliott, was among the 298 people who were killed when a Malaysian Airlines flight, MH17, was shot down and crashed in the UK. Well, what the fuck? Yeah. He, yeah, I mean, what about all the other people that died on that?

But there was some plumbers, a couple of teachers. How come everybody's paying attention to the scientists? You know what does all this shit comes from? It's, it's the fact that everybody knows. Everybody knows everybody's got, they, everybody's got some secrets, right? And you know, there's people up there, just the excitement they must have. You know, having the cures for diseases or whatever the, just the shit that they know. Like say they, you know, they're talking about this giant fucking iceberg

that's going to melt an Antarctica that's going to raise the entire fucking ocean eight feet, which I don't get. It's like, how fucking big is, at what point does it stop being a glacier? It's just all of Antarctica is melting. You know what I mean? And I don't understand how Antarctica, right? It's just all fucking ice basically is sitting there floating in the fucking drink. You know, if you put ice cubes in your, this is what I'm really going to sound dumb here.

If you put ice cubes in a glass of water, the water goes up. So isn't that ice already in the fucking water? I don't know what's going on. No bill, it's on land. Is it, is there land underneath there? I don't know what it is. I just thought it was a bunch of frozen water. And the reason for this is the sun is hitting the tops.

I used to, you know, for my whole life, everybody told me the reason why I'll ask you guys this, do you know why it's hotter at the equator than it is at the poles? Do you know why? For my whole life, everybody said, well, it's because, you know, it's closer to the sun, you know, because it kind of puffs out, right? Like when you had too many donuts, it's got, you know, or it's got a little muffin top. You know, it's got a lot of water weight down there. Like, so all of a sudden you're whatever.

You're like this close, much closer to the sun. That's actually not the case. I'll just wait a few guys to fucking yell at me. What's basically is, is it's getting direct sunlight. And as the curvature of the earth goes up, that sunlight angle, it becomes more angled. It's basically, let's just put it in terms everybody can understand. The equator is getting a facial from the sun. Okay, it's not wearing glasses either.

Okay, it's just, it's just taking it right in the face. All right, the poles are kind of looking away and like falling out of the way, right? That's basically what it is. So it's a glancing blow. They still got a little jizz in their hair, but it's a lot easier to wash off. And that's why it's hotter at the equator than it is in the North Pole. You see that everybody? I'm smart.

I know things now like everybody says. So anyways, let's get on. So how did this, how did Glenn Thomas die? It's understood he was one of the, one of more than a hundred researchers who were aboard the flight on their way to an international AIDS conference in Australia. Oh Jesus Christ. Wasn't it because there was some moron on the ground who couldn't tell the difference between an F16 and a 747?

Maybe you had a quota, you know, like those meter maids that just got to start writing tickets and it was getting towards the end of the month. He hadn't shot anything down yet. And he was just like, fuck it. I don't give a fuck. It's fucking up there moving. I don't give a shit. It's a fucking drone or a goddamn parakeet.

I'm shooting that fucking down. And all of a sudden they come flying over. All right, Mark Ferry. Oh Jesus. You gotta grow up. Hey, you fucking fairy. You had to deal with that his whole life. His poor bastard.

59 years old, nuclear engineer. A renowned American engineer was found dead in his hotel room in Salford after his heart suddenly stopped working. Isn't that mysterious? Isn't that weird that somebody could have a heart attack at 50 died? This is the dumbest conspiracy ever. Mark Ferry, 59 from Tennessee. Well, there you go.

He's from Tennessee. Grew up on fried food. Jesus Christ, they barely even have books in that state. The fact that this guy became a nuclear engineer growing up, you know, we didn't have shoes, right? And he just sat there. He was just this fucking anomaly on his crickety front porch, watching his whole fucking family playing instruments they made out of the fucking

junk they had in their front yard. And he's just sitting there going, I'm better than this. God damn it. I'm going to start reading. And he did start reading like Johnny Appleseed. Except instead of walking, he was fucking letting his eyes walk, walking all over those books, turning them into applesauce. And that's what Mark Ferry did.

I'm going to eulogize this guy. Mark Ferry wasn't dumb like the rest of us in this state. That motherfucker, I know him in church. I'm sorry. All right. I'm speaking from the heart here. Okay. Jesus understands that motherfucker.

He said, I'm getting out of this state. All right. I'm going to read. I'm going to find me a book. First of all, you know, he had to go to least Georgia to discover he was walking the wrong fucking way. You thought I was going to say something good about Georgia, didn't you? Fuck them.

Fuck them bulldogs, right? Go false. Go false. So this fucker said, wait a minute. I need to go up north. That's where they keep all the books, right? Because we lost one fucking war and they got to take away all the books. I get it.

I get it. So he walks up to Ohio and he found himself a fucking book. And next, you know, he became a nuclear engineer. I don't really know what that means. And I don't know what that does, but he did it. You're not going to believe what the fuck just happened. My stupid recorder got full. I fucking eulogized that guy for like another five minutes.

God damn it. See, it's a conspiracy. They shut off your little recording thing. Let me finish this. I got to go back to this guy. Mark Ferry. So he walks up to fucking Ohio, gets himself a goddamn book, and he becomes a nuclear engineer.

And as I mentioned before, before the fucking Illuminati shut off my fucking recorder, I don't really know what a nuclear engineer is. I just know it takes a long time to say it. So that's some smart shit. But I'll tell you, this is Mark Ferry. All right, and I beat him up. I called him a fairy. I did all that.

I never really even liked the guy. Okay, who the fuck's kidding? Who? I'm sorry, Martha. I had to say it. I'm in God's house. Got to tell the truth. Commandment number seven.

Whatever it is. Fucking bitch. She deserves that. Don't see me outside. Anyways, this Mark Ferry, all right, despite him leaving Tennessee, he never forgot who the fuck he was. Because I'll tell you right now. Ain't nobody up north dies of a heart attack at 59.

That is some southern shit. All right, you know why that is. You know why that is, because I don't give a fuck. How far you leave Tennessee? You ain't leaving that die. You ain't leaving that die. Them briskets, them ham-hawked and pig-eared sandwiches. He probably had, he probably had barbecue grease all over that lab coat.

That's right, man. A real Southern man. You only met Southern man that makes it to 60. If you make it to 60 as the Southern man, I hate you. You're laying down with another man. I'm sorry to bring the homophobia into it. Well, that's true, according to the Bible. So there you go.

Evidently, Mark Ferry was not a Ferry, because he died at 59. I blew somebody once at a truck stop, but I didn't do it in this state. So don't make it gay. Anyways, Mark Ferry, he's dead now. And I'll tell you right now, I don't think you're ever going to see another nuclear engineer coming from this state. He ain't going to see another one like that guy in a long, long fucking time. All right, so everybody raise up your jars.

Let's do a shot of shine for Mark Ferry. The recorder's still going. It is still going. So basically what you guys missed is, as I continue to read these fucking, like any conspiracy theory site, the more you start reading, you start believing it. Professor Carol Ambruster. Okay, she's 69 years old. 69, you think, oh, she had a good run.

She was found by her roommate in a kitchen. All right, with a knife in her neck, and she'd already been stabbed in the chest. So it's just like, that's usually not what's, you know, this other one had been hogtied and burned to death. It's like, what are these scientists fucking gangbanging now? You know what I mean? I'm starting to believe this shit. Here's what he's going to actually believe.

Shane Todd, 31, PhD in electrical engineering with an expertise with gallium nitrate, nitride. Shane Todd, the man with two first names. All right, here's the mystery. Dr. Todd felt increasingly uncomfortable with the work he was doing with the Chinese company. Who, who are we? Who, who are we? Who the fuck are you? You know, sorry, I can't, I'm sorry, I can't do that.

Maybe if I did it in a bad Chinese accent, it would work. Who are we? Who the fuck are you? To the point Shane told his family, that's what he got. Who are we? H-U-A-W-E-I. Man, that must be cheesy commercials. Anyways, to the point Shane told his family that he was being asked to compromise US security

and he feared for his life. Now this guy got whacked. Of course he did, but the fuck are you doing, dude? You're fucking, you're wearing the wrong fucking lab coat here. Melissa. Canoody. Scientists have weird names. She was hog-tied and burned.

Now I'm starting to believe this shit. This guy, 58 died of a heart attack. Zachary died of a fucking boating accident. That happens, right? Potomac. Everybody's hammered on the fucking Potomac. Another heart attack. Heart attacks are dismissed.

Here's a weird one. Fan Jun Meng and Zhang Yang Zhang. That's what I got. Zhang Yang Zhang. Table for two for Zhang Yang Zhang. Drowned in a Branson hotel swimming pool. Both were in China. Both were from China and were working.

Dude, how the fuck does two people drown? Two adults drown in a fucking hotel swimming pool. They don't even have deep ends anymore, right? All you gotta do is stand up. I mean, I'm gonna go, maybe they got drunk. It's like fucking two bouncy steps into the side. You got something to hang on to. Ah, Jesus Christ.

I'm starting to believe this shit. Gregory Stone, 54 from an unknown illness. Well, that happens. Bradley, 56 died in a car crash. Well, you know, they're reading. Then they don't have good eyes. Dr. Masoud Ali Mahamedi, 50 was assassinated. January 11th, when a remote control bomb inside of his motorcycle near his car was detonated.

I mean, that happens. That happened to a buddy of mine the other day. The professor of nuclear physics at Tehran University was politically active. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he, this guy got whacked. He used to see his picture too. It's like he knows it's coming. Yep, got a couple more days left for this shit.

Jack P. Wheeler, the third, 66. Last scene, December 30th, found dead in Delaware, a Delaware landfill. Yeah, he got whacked. Anytime you end up in a landfill, fought to get the Vietnam Memorial built and was served and served in two Bush administrations. His death has been ruled a homicide. Yeah, of course it has. That guy's a fucking hero.

That's a terrible one. This is just a, there's a horrible website. I can't stop reading it. Mark A. Smith, 45. Dude, this guy looks like he's 90. That's 45. I'm a year older than that guy. Renowned Alzheimer's disease researcher has died after being hit by a car in Ohio.

Is that suspicious? I don't know. I'm not even gonna try to say this woman's name. She was dead of an apparent suicide by cyanide at a Temple Terrace hotel. She left a suicide note saying she used cyanide. Hazmat team officials said the cyanide was found only in a granular form, meaning it was not considered dangerous outside of the room it was found in. The chemical is considered more dangerous in a liquid or gas form.

Potassium cyanide, the apparent cause, potassium cyanide, the apparent cause of death is a commonly commonly used by, well, I don't understand what the fuck that is. I mean, she said she used cyanide. It's fucking right there. Another woman died of the hands of Amy Bishop. Her background was in... Jesus, who would have thought it's so fucked? These guys are dying like bloods and crypts here.

Anyways, let's get to the enough of that shit. I don't even know what to believe anymore. I don't even know what to say anymore. What's going on? All right, let's get to some of the questions here for the week. No, no, no. What am I doing? I'm gonna get to some of the advertising.

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That is draftkings.com, right there. All right, there you go. Let's get back to the bullshit here. Do you guys have a nice Easter? I had an awesome Easter. My mother-in-law came over, right? And she actually wanted to go to brunch, okay? And I was just like, oh, I was like, oh, Jesus.

Oh my God, I thought this was a day of celebration. Why would you drag us into the hell of brunch on fucking Easter? Are you out of your mind? Right? This is how cool my wife is. I just say to her, I said, she goes, do you want to go to brunch with me and my mother on Easter? I was like, no, I don't.

I don't want to do that. Why don't we go drinking on St. Patrick's Day? Why don't we go out on New Year's and go to Times Square? The fuck are we doing here? She's like, I know, that's right. I go, why don't we just have brunch at home? I'll make some eggs. I'll throw in some fucking waffles.

Whatever you want, I'll cook it, right? She goes, I got one better for you. Why don't we just order some fucking Chinese food? That's what we did. Chinese food on Easter. Don't Jewish people eat Chinese food on Christmas? I got to tell you, I loved it on Easter. Why stop on Christmas?

Those Jews, I'm telling you, they're onto something. This fucking Chinese food on Christian holidays, I'm all about it, dude. It was awesome. We had, what do we have there? We had, we had, I don't know what the fuck, we had crab, rangu, all that deep fried shit that's fucking sloshing around on my belly right now.

It was tremendous. And then she showed up with a lemon meringue pie. And that was my Easter. No bunny, right? No fucking going down to church and you got to listen to the Jesus story over and fucking over again. You know what I mean?

It's such an amazing story. You think that they could make a good movie about it. You know what I mean? I mean, technically it should be better than all of those born identities, but it isn't. I don't know what they need. They should make just, you know, if I, like the Catholic church is, who's kidding who?

It's sliding down a grease pole. You know, nobody's buying, nobody's going anymore. All right. It's like, it's like the Jacksonville Jaguars of the fucking religions. As far as, you know, old stadium, nobody's showing up. Plenty of seats. What do you want to sit down front?

Get it. You got it. It's all you. You can hang out with the fucking players afterwards. So what I would do is I would, I would invent like the I Catholic church, you know, just rip off Apple to get these kids. You get flat screens in there, right?

You do, you get Tupac, whatever they did to him where he became the homogenized version. What the fuck is it? The, the Holy O'Graph, what the hell is it? Because of an H, a holograph, uh, a little acute, whatever the fuck it is. You do that, but you just do it with the priest. You have some of the best priests of all time.

Tupacs, the fucking biggie, smalls of priests, and you bring them back to life just like, even fuck it, you just bring Jesus back. That's what you do. You have them up there, right? He comes down from the fucking all pixelated, coming down from the ceiling. You know what I mean?

And people don't believe it's him at first. They're, oh, what are you, did you fucking make dad? You shoot that with a potato, laughing my ass off on the floor over here, shaking my head. That guy, you know, you got to take a little shit from the Twitterotsy, right? And then all of a sudden you just,

you just keep saying, no, that's actually Jesus. Right? And if you watch that thing on Scientology like I did, you know what I mean? What you learn other than the fact that it just takes 2,600 lawsuits at the same time and the IRS will cave. That's the only thing I learned.

Other than that is that, you know, is that they dress like they're in Buck Rogers, which is, you know, it's kind of cool, right? I'm into space movies now. I ain't what the fuck I'm saying. You get some flat screens, right? You get some Chinese food. You go easy with the guilt.

And you bring them back, you know? And you try as hard as you can to not fuck any more children. And I think you could turn this business around. This is like that's, what is that? What is that show where the guy comes in and he tries to fix your bar? What's it called?

Bar fixer? Huh? Dive doctor? Whenever the fuck there's some stupid name, right? He comes in, your fucking beer tap smell like my wife's vagina on July when she gets off an elliptical. All right, just screaming at people

about their dumb ass bars. You just got to do that with the Catholic church. You just go in there screaming. Why is that guy fucking a child? All right. And you turn the whole fucking thing around. What would it be? It's got to be a litteration, like Christ fixer,

but it's got to be with another C cry. Christ Crier. Jesus jamming. I don't know what the fuck you'd call it. Christian mingle. How bad is that Christian mingle? How fucking creepy is mingle? Let's get on here and mingle.

I really want to see your tits. It just seems like you just be mumbling a bunch of shit. I want to see your tits in a fucking three way. Sorry. All right, here we go. Let's read some of the, let's read some of the fucking questions here for this week, shall we?

Well, I don't give a shit. I'm running shit. Okay. By the way, if you'd like to email me, if you'd like to hear me read out loud something that you wrote and butcher it, emails can be sent to bill at the mmpodcast.com. If you would like to follow us on Twitter,

you can go to at the mmpodcast. All right. Here we go. Here we are. All right. I'm going to be a rough one here. Okay. All right.

Is my husband too cheap? Dear Bill, I'm a 34 year old fucking lady and have been married for six years. I'm hoping you can help me with some advice on my marriage. For the most part, my husband and I are pretty similar, but we have completely different outlooks on finances. Alrighty.

Alrighty. I'm already thinking sexist shit here. So I got to stop. All right. I'm picturing you just buying a bunch of dumb shit that and you're fucking, you're driving them to an early grave. But let's see.

Maybe, maybe, maybe this guy is a cunt. Gonna be open-minded here. All right. Open-minded. All right. My husband works full-time and I work part-time myself and I'm, and I start up.

My husband works full-time and I work part-time myself and am a housewife. I swear to God, that's how she wrote the sentence. Should be and I am a housewife and am a housewife. You never have fucking three short words that begin with a in a row. Myself and am a housewife and am a,

and am a housewife. That sounds good. My husband works full-time and I work part-time myself and am a housewife. I get it. You fucking spoke this into a speaker, right? That little magic device in your phone. Early in our marriage,

we both work full-time, but it became difficult for me when I would clean the house on days off and he would not be helpful in sharing those duties. Oh, this guy's old school. Lifting his feet up as you come by with the fucking swifter. He would pause,

he would just play video games. And I'm not a clean freak or anything. I just don't like living in a shit show of a house. Oh my God. I fucking love this woman. You're right up my alley. Before we were married, he would let dirty laundry pile up for weeks

before he washed. Jesus Christ, this guy's an animal. I probably should have spoke to him about it. Spoke to him about that before we got married or lived together first, but I did not see it as a huge issue at a time. Oh, you were young. What did you know?

Anyways, after a year of marriage, we decided that the best way would be for me to do the housework and work part-time and make dinners while he worked full-time. Jesus Christ, this fucking guy is crushing it. You know, he's got an old school wife here. Listen, listen, you quit your dream.

I'll live mine when I come home. You better have this place tidy with the fucking steak on the table. All right, here's the issue. Here is the issue with our marriage, and I would love your opinion. This is where, if I was her girlfriend, we'd be clasping both hands,

both of our hands across the table. This is what I need you, okay? Oh, I'm here for you, Karen. I'm here for you. Just get it out. My husband is very conservative with our money. This guy doesn't have one redeeming fucking thing. He's a slob, he's a fucking tightwad.

I hate this guy. He will save and keep our 20 grand in our finances for any... Well, that's smart, though. I don't know, he is kind of smart. He will save and keep our $20,000 in our finances for anything that could happen. I admire it and think it's very smart.

However, he loses sleep over it, and we rarely will go out and do anything together as a couple. Yeah, this guy's, he's taking it too far. All right? We make enough money between the two of us to pay our bills and save, mind you. Hey, you don't get to fucking reprimand me.

He gives me some amount allowance every month to buy groceries and other personal items. If I use another card, he will confront me and tell me not to use the other debit card. And if I am low on funds for groceries, we need to buy ramen for the rest of the month. All of our arguments are about money. I believe in saving money,

but at the same time, I think it's great to live a little and buy items for enjoyment from time to time. I'd love to go out somewhere fun, I'd love to go out somewhere fun on a date. Oh my God, dude, this is sad! With my husband, without him worrying about money the whole time. I can't buy concert tickets without asking him first

to surprise him. Like, this guy's fucking... This guy's fucking... Likewise, he never surprises me with anything either. If this thing ends with you on your fucking hands and knees scrubbing the floorboards because he wouldn't even buy you a fucking Swiftie, what should I do?

I've confronted him about how I think his fear is unhealthy. Am I wrong? I'm telling you... She goes, I'm telling you, it's a rough one, okay? I love it, I love that you threw that in there. She's got a sense of humor. This, I think this woman's cool. Thanks, I love your comedy,

listen to your podcasts every week. Go fuck yourself. All right. Yeah, this woman's a fucking champ. The amount of shit she's putting up with. All right. She's got a sense of humor. She's listening to the podcast.

I, you know, I... Oh, maybe she's snowing me. I think you're totally cool. Yeah, this guy needs to fucking, he needs to relax. I don't know, what would you do here? Just say, look, something's gotta change here. All right, because I haven't been to a fucking cheesecake factory

in like nine years. All right, you gotta take me. This guy, this guy, you know what it is? He doesn't understand, he doesn't understand women. He doesn't, he doesn't, he doesn't get it. You guys like to go out, all right? And I think you're cool enough that, you know, what the fuck doesn't like to go out?

That's such a dumb thing I just said. I, you know, I'm too stupid to explain it, but I totally get where you're at. This guy needs to take you out, all right? He needs to remind you why you guys fell in love. He needs to, you know, just go every once in a while. Just say, you know what, fuck it.

Let's go out and just blow fucking a couple hundred bucks on a meal. All right, that's it. And then we just, Jesus Christ, if you spend too much money, it's ramen noodles. I mean, this guy, it's like, this guy sounds like he grew up during the depression. I, and you, and you're nice enough to admire that he thinks about fucking money.

You got 20 grand saved up, which is better than most people. He could just loosen the purse strings, let a couple of nuggets fall out once every six weeks for Christ's sake. What do you do there? How do you go about that? I don't know, a tightwad. That's a tough one, man.

A cheap guy is just, just a cheap person. They just fucking cheap. That's like, you're not even going to enjoy life for Christ's sake. I think you got to start roofing in them. I hate to say it, but you know, every once in a while, the date rape drug is called for. I think you need to fucking, this is what I would do. No, you can't do that.

So you can't do that. That's fucking, I'd say I would just fucking give them the date rape drug, let them pass out at the table, then I would just go out and booze it up and then I'd come home. And it'd be like, and he'd just be like, did I fall asleep at the kitchen table again last night? Yeah, you did. It was weird.

It was like you were eating the ramen noodles. And you just, you went face down in it. I'll tell you, thank God you're too cheap to boil water and that water was at fucking room temperature. You might have burned your face. I, you either got a roofium or you got to just say, listen, I need to go out. Okay, I can't keep living like some fucking broad and a fucking

miserable fairy tale that's waiting for his, for a fucking Prince Charming to show up. All right, here's the deal. Fuck, oh, once a month you're taking me out. All right, you're making me feel like a fucking lady. You're making me feel attractive. All right, or I'm going to start fucking working again. I'm sitting here watching your sweaty balls fucking underwear.

And you can't even take me to a goddamn Chuck E. Cheese. Huh? You cheap cunt. I don't know how to do it. Maybe he's listening to this. Dude, take her out for Christ's sake. All right. Listen, the dollar is going to collapse anyway.

See a 20 grand isn't going to be worth shit. So why don't you go out and fucking buy a pork chop with it while you still can? There you go. All right, here we go. Fear of damnation. Dear Bill, growing up Catholic. Oh, Jesus.

My parents instilled me, instilled me with a healthy fear of damnation. Like so many others as I got older, I grew away from the church. But the fear of going to hell was never far from my mind. This is why it's funny that everybody made fun of the fucking Scientology movie. Just saying it's a cult. Those people are fucking crazy as opposed to what the shit we're doing. I love Scientology for the simple fact that they sued the fucking IRS and they went, all right, all right, all right, Jesus Christ.

These people are crazy. They beat the IRS. That goes a long fucking way. All right, a couple of kids die every year due to the common cold. But other than that, I think it's a good religion. Over the course of my life, I've had many opportunities to wrong others. Some were out of necessity and some due to my own greed or poor judgment. Jesus, this took a fucking left turn.

Did I miss a paragraph? I lie awake at night with the details of each sin running through my mind. How it affected those people I hurt and what their lives would be like had I never altered it with my own destructive presence. What the fuck did you do to these people? This guy sounds like a worse person than me. The sins weigh on me as they should. And I wondered if I'm going to burn in hell for the things I've done

or if I could possibly turn it all around. The Bible provides some details about the afterlife, but doesn't get too specific about how each person is, but it doesn't get too specific about how each person is tormented when they reach hell. Well, don't ever read Dante's Inferno. You don't want to read that. My biggest fear is that after I die, I would arrive and while burning in the internal fire, your podcast would be playing on a loop.

Ah, that's fucking hilarious. Please help me. I'll do anything. Give the charity, save a puppy, whatever it takes. I have to redeem myself somehow, so I won't have to hear your voice yammering on about the NFL and cackling at your own jokes forever. Ah, you got me, you son of a bitch.

That's fucking hilarious. All right. Icebreaker. Bill, I'm terrible at starting a conversation with the girl. I'm good in an actual conversation. I'm wondering why that guy, why don't you just not listen to the podcast? You know what I mean?

Maybe he listened to one and I was so fucking annoying, or you know, it's even better. Maybe he works with somebody and they played in like the warehouse. Dude, I'm sorry. I know I'm annoying. I can't argue with anything you said. Icebreaker. Icebreaker.

Bill, I'm terrible at starting a conversation with the girl. I'm good in an actual conversation. What does that mean? Oh, okay, so you can just like if somebody says, hey, welcome to fucking Denny's. Can I help you? You're like, yeah, I'd like pigs in a blanket. Dude, I'm crushing, crushing that shit.

Anyways, but I rarely get, anyways, I'm good in actual conversation, but I rarely get there because it starts off bad. What advice can you offer? Do you have any lines or topics that would work? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Dude, you're just going to have to learn to have a sense of humor about yourself.

You're going to have to fucking bomb. You're just going to have to go up and bomb you. There's no fucking hey, baby, what's your sign line that works? You got to just come up. Here's the thing. Don't if you're not good at hitting on women, don't go to a fucking meat market.

All right. What you got to do is you got to chat them up while you're just doing just do it. It's been so long since I've been fucking singing. I was never good in the meat market bars. I was always better. Like I met women on the train.

I met them in like the fucking gym. I met them like, uh, like when we were doing, like we're both riding on a fucking train. You know what I mean? And there's no, they don't, they have that guard up. I guess you're not going to be a mugger. What the fuck would I do? Why would I talk to him on a train?

I would just wait for someone. If I saw someone that I liked on a train, the only way I could start up a fucking conversation is if some crazy homeless guy got on the fucking, you know, or some crazy person got on the subway and everybody's got that, oh shit. And then you make eye contact with them. And then I always had a joke about the fucking homeless guy.

That's right. I took the piss out of somebody who didn't have a house and that would break the ice. And then maybe, you know, you know, you're on the subway. It's like speed dating. You got to try to get the fucking number before they get off. But if you're not good at conversation,

you got to get good at it. And I would say the gym, gym's kind of creepy. Hey, what are you working on? You know, she's fucking bent over doing bent over rows, whatever the fuck it is. The only advice I have you, it's just like doing stand up.

You just have to get on stage and you just, you have to figure it out. So that's what I would do. I would get over your fear of bombing by getting out there and just bombing and have a sense of humor about how fucking bad it's going. Laugh at yourself and just keep swinging away. Just keep swinging away.

I don't know. Just go, go run Burgundy. Just be like overly arrogant about yourself. How fucking awesome you are. And just say, you know, that she's thinking all this awesome shit about you. You know, if you're an average looking guy, she'll think it's fucking hilarious.

And you kind of taking the piss out of yourself. There's that angle. You know what I mean? I mean, I don't, I don't fucking know. You can ask a married guy. I have no fucking idea anymore. Somebody help this guy. You know what?

Why don't you guys, why don't you guys send me in your best icebreaker lines? And the only one I think I ever had a good opening fucking line was when I wanted to hit on this woman who was, I already told you this, I wanted to hit on this woman who was with this woman who was a redhead.

And I walked up my, what did I say? I said, I go, oh, hey, another redhead. I go, you go into the meeting and then a friend left. And then the redhead thought I was into her and I had to do like, you know that swim move that rushers do when they're trying to get to the quarterback. I had to fucking push her out of the way

and talk to the brunette. And then she was like, fucking annoyed that I was hitting on her. And then her friend, I think, caved to the pressure of her country friend. Or maybe she just looked at me like, I don't want to fucking talk to you. I made her laugh though.

I got one laugh. I think I got one laugh in all my years in those meat market bars. Ah, that fucking horrible, fucking horrible. You know what, dude? I don't know. You're asking another person that's stunk at it.

I can't help you. So how about, uh, how about, uh, listeners, give me your best and your worst fucking opening lines. Your best and your worst results. And I'll read those next week or whatever. And with any luck, that guy who hates me, someone will be playing it in the fucking background. Neighborhood bully.

Hey, Billy bag of donuts. Hey, Bill, I am 15 years old and I want to know how to deal with the kid who was bullying my six year old brother. Well, you go fuck him up. Step on his head. Uh, we live in a cul-de-sac and all the neighborhood kids know each other.

They often play at the end of the cul-de-sac in somebody's backyard. I just recently learned that my friend's brother sometimes brings over a friend who's seven years old and this kid goes over to the backyard at the end of the cul-de-sac without the person who brought him and starts playing with the kids

who belong to the neighborhood. Jesus Christ. Isn't that just called kids playing with each other? Now it's all supervised. The problem is that the kid is an asshole. He calls my brother's names, calls my brother names for no reason. I know my younger brother isn't lying

based on his body language. Now I need your advice on what I should do. I told my brother to come get me so I could come over and talk to him. I was going to be as intimidating as possible without yelling or being threatening by completely keeping my calm and emotional and emotionless as he tried.

Wait a minute. What the fuck just happened to this sentence? I was going to be as intimidating as possible without yelling or being threatening by keeping completely calm and emotionless as he tried to bust my balls. Wait, what the fuck happened with that sentence? That was in the past and in the present.

You tried to do that and then he bust your balls? I don't know what's going on here. I don't necessarily know if this is a good idea. I was looking for advice. Should I tell my friend's mom so this this little shit can never come back? Thanks and go fuck yourself. PS, if you are reading this on Friday, April 3rd,

it's my birthday. I'm not reading it Friday, April 3rd, but happy belated birthday. All right, that fucking email was in like 12 different time zones. So what should you do? I don't know. Just walk up to him.

You're 15, he's seven. Hey, you, you know what's great about that age? If you catch him off guard with a hay, they might piss themselves a little bit. You just walk up right behind him. You just go, hey, like that. He fucking pees himself. He's like, hey, can I talk to you?

Hey, can I talk to you for a second? But again, that's my little brother over there. He's telling me you keep calling him bad names. What's going on with that? I mean, just let him sit in the awkward silence. And then when he tells you why he's doing it, just say, look, if you keep doing that to my brother, I don't know.

I'm just, I don't know what I'm going to do, but I just keep picturing my entire hand covering your face and then me throwing your whole body like a baseball over that fucking fence. You don't want me to do that because you weigh enough where you might land on top of the fence. And that could poke into your innards there.

Do you want me to do that? Because I don't want to do that. All right, well then stop fucking with my brother, you little shit. That's what you do. I don't know. Don't do that. You have to be an adult.

You have to go over to that fucking kid's awful mom and say, hey, can you fucking, you know, you're awful fucking kid? I know you're a single parent. That's why your kid stinks. All right, legal zoom everybody. Legal zoom. Five things you can count on

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If I can figure out how to use the scale and all that shit. Remember, for my special offer, go to Stamps.com before you do anything else, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr. B-U-R-R. All right, that is it for that. Mercifully, the reading out loud portion is fucking over.

All right, don't save. Let's click over here. Let's read the last couple here. Oh, the last one. 20-year-old blonde female request. All right, that's already annoying because you feel like what? Why do I need to know you're a blonde female

and how old you are? Huh? You're trying to get preferential treatment here, lady? No. Okay, Bill, my boyfriend and I absolutely love your podcast. You're our favorite comedian, yadda, yadda, yadda. Could you ask, I'm not going to say the name, in your next podcast to marry me,

and I'm not saying your name, go fuck yourself, love this person. P.S., when are you coming to Portland, Oregon? I'm going to be coming to Portland in June. I'm putting together another little bus run. That will include. It's going to be Portland, Oregon, Eugene, no, Eureka. Sorry, sorry, sorry, the people in Oregon. I just fucked up.

Portland, Oregon, Eureka, California. Where else? Fresno? Why don't I just fucking look it up here? It's all going to tie into that Vegas tour. And then I think we end up somewhere in Tucson. It's going to be great. It's going to be great.

It's going to be me and Joe Bartnick. And I think I'm going to get lawhead on a couple of those fuckers too. It's going to be a great time. So anyways, as far as me, will I ask your boyfriend to marry you? No. Why would I ever do that to another man? First of all, you're only 20 years old.

You're too young to get married. All right. And as a guy, like the amount of guy code I would be breaking to put this guy in that fucking position, there's no fucking way I would ever do that. You know what I mean? And since I've been married, I've never been that person that said to a couple that isn't married.

You know what they do? How long you guys been together? So when you get married, we have kids. When are you having kids when you shut the fuck up? That's when we're having kids. All right. That is the podcast for this week, everybody. Congratulations to the Wisconsin Badgers

and the Duke Blue Devils. I'm hoping for a great game tonight. And my condolences to the fans of Kentucky. And Michigan State. I watch both of those games. You know, I'm a fucking... I love College Hoop, but I'm a fair weather fan, man. I watch a lot of hockey.

And then this time of year, I always jump in. And I jump in. I just watched the final four games, and I didn't watch the final. That's all I do. So I don't know what to tell you. All right. I'm a bandwagon guy.

I am showing up with a brand new final four fucking hat tonight. No, I'm kidding. I'm going to watch it over a buddy of mine's house. He's actually a Duke Blue Devil fan. So I don't know who I want to win this one. I like Coach K winning another one, just so he can become more of a legend. But I'm trying.

Hey, let me look this up. When was the last time Wisconsin won a fucking championship? Wisconsin. How do you spell it? Wisconsin. How do you smell it? Wisconsin. Stop eating fucking cheese.

Bass, last basketball. Why don't I put the fucking microphone down so I can type faster. Last basketball. You guys can get on with your day at this point. This is just for me. Championship. There's some fat guy driving a Chevy Love somewhere

in fucking Rhinelander right now with a big red jacket on screaming. College basketball, Badgersman basketball. All right. Here we go. Here it is. Here it is. Wikipedia.

We're going to go on Wikipedia. I'm going to guess that they won it in the 1950s. Let me see. Let me see. Let me see. All right. What do we got here? NCA tournament champions.

They won in 1941. They made it to the final four in 1941, 2000, 2014, and 2015. They're crushing it this century. The elite eight, 41, 47, 2000, 2005. Oh, Jesus Christ. I, Jesus Christ. They haven't won it since fucking Hitler was still alive the last time these guys won.

I got a root for them. I got a root for the underdogs. All right. So I'm going to root for the Badgers tonight. Although I like both teams. I don't give a fuck. I have weird allegiance. I'm one of those people.

I like Ohio State and Michigan all at the same time because I'm not from either state. I don't give a fuck. I just want to see a good game. And I'm really happy that that fucking guy with Bill Clinton hips is now coaching fucking Michigan. What the fuck is his name? Captain Comeback there.

John Wesley Harding. I can't remember anybody's name. His brother coaches the Ravens and thinks there's not enough air in the balls. And that's why he fucking loses. Jim Fassel. I don't fuck it. Jerry Tarkanian.

I have no idea. All right. That's the podcast for this week. Thank you everybody for listening this week. Oh, Freckles is coming to Florida. Florida is not part of the South. Don't ever forget that. Florida is Florida.

Texas is Texas. The South is the South. I am going to be. I'm going to be April 10th. I'm doing two shows at the Fillmore in Miami Beach. And I'm doing two shows April 11th at Ruth Eckerd Hall in Tampa. And there you go. And then I come back for a couple of days.

And then the Bible Belt tour starts kicking it off. Can't fucking wait. Oh, this is going to be a fun month. April 18th, Savannah, Georgia. Right. Savannah, Georgia. 19th, we go up to Johnny Knoxville, Tennessee. April 20th, Chattanooga, Tennessee.

April 21st, Memphis, Tennessee. Right. April 22nd, Shreveport, Louisiana. April 23rd, New Orleans. We hang there for a couple of days. Get shitty. Get sideways. We get back on the bus.

April 26th, Huntsville, Alabama. Fuck, are you looking at? Then we drive back April 27th to Jackson, Mississippi. April 28th, we go to Mobile, Alabama. Get the fuck out of here. I didn't know I was going there. Holy shit. Holy shit.

The fuck song is that? I didn't know what the hell it is. Who's that fucking guy? If you want to, you know something? I actually feel bad for that guy that doesn't like that I laugh at my jokes because there's that rapper who laughs at his shit and he drives me up the fucking wall too.

Who's that guy where he's like, and I agree. That fucking idiot. He does that shit, but I'm still looking at her titties. It's just like, okay, dude, look at her titties. Like, I don't know what you're snickering about. Mobile, Alabama, man. They built all those fucking ships in World War II.

I learned that watching that Ken Burns documentary. Wow. Mobile, Alabama. That's fucking legendary. Then we're driving up to Lexington, Kentucky. Oh my God, this is going to be the sickest fucking tour ever. And then we go to Evansville, Indiana. And then May 2nd, we go to the Kentucky Derby.

All right, go fuck yourselves. Come on. It's tremendous. So anyways, that is the podcast. And you know what? I'll do a little preview here. A little preview of my other tour in June. You guys don't have to listen to the podcast.

It's over, man. You're just listening to me fucking talking to myself in my apartment at this point. All right. None of these are confirmed except for the Vegas date. All right. But rumor has it. All right.

I heard a rumor that that bill is going to be in Portland, Oregon. Going to be in Eureka, California. I got a Reno date possibly. Santa Rosa, San Jose, Fresno, Bakersfield, Highland. And then I'm definitely doing two nights in Vegas at the Mirage Casino and then Tucson, Arizona. This is this is the idea that we're trying to put this fucking thing together. And I go on there with Joe Bartnick and then he's going to have to jump off the bus

to go do a couple of dates with Verzi. And then I'm going to get law head on a couple of those. That's that is the that is the game plan. As this comes together. So anyways, I'm babbling here whatever fucking enjoying myself this week. I went a little bit long. Go fuck yourselves. This is the Monday morning podcast.

Thank you for listening and I'll talk to you next week.