Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-6-20

Episode Date: April 6, 2020

Bill rambles about peak week, long drives, and documentaries. 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, April 6th, 2020. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? Are you still asymptomatic? Are your lungs filling up? Where are you at? What is your story that you can share on the gram? Hey, big news, everybody. Peak week of the pandemic is this week. Yeah, baby. All right. This is what the fuck we stayed inside for. All right. This is when the game counts. Oh yeah, you've been asymptomatic for a month. You're feeling that God likes you the most. He gave you the Jesus genes, right? You're special. Your friend down the street got the sniffles. Now we can't taste his fucking wife's ass when he licks it, right? And that makes you

feel better about yourself. This is where we separate the men from the boys because you know what? As far as this pandemic goes, it was the fucking regular season. Now it's the playoffs. This is when everybody has to step up their game, right? You got to weigh your mess. You got to have on your gloves. You got to shut off the news and just fucking stay inside. You're at the top of the wave, right? Your pecs glistening in the sun. You're on the surfboard. What are you going to do? You're going to be that guy who fucking falls over the front and disappears in the wave? Are you going to be that person that cruises it right to the beach, steps off and then gets to play it off like you were never scared? Huh? I want to see what these, all these, some of the shit that

people are coming up with. I had a buddy of mine just as far as like level of panic. He sent me a text message saying, Hey, my ex-wife is a nurse and she's saying this thing's really going to explode and she's worried that if all the truckers get it, there's going to be no more food. So I'm just letting, giving you the heads up, bro, to stock up, right? And I'm just sitting there, you know, so the, there's the initial panic of what he wrote going, Oh fuck, thank God, I got five pounds of corned beef sitting out in my fucking refrigerator. How long will that last? And then I was just sitting there going like, wait a minute, this fucking thing, did that happen in Italy? No, did it happen in France? No, did it happen in China? No, did all the truck drivers die in fucking

Australia? Now, it's not going to happen. This is what you guys have to realize. Okay, when shit like that happens, okay, especially younger people, because when you're first step out into the world, and the first time someone of these chicken littles comes running up to you and just says a bunch of fucking crazy shit, you know what happens, don't you? That shit just goes right into your fucking chest, right into your heart, right up into your respiratory, into your respiratory system, around and around. It goes right into your fucking brain and then just sits there and starts working it around, working around, working around. All of a sudden, the woman, the love of your life comes walking in and she starts like, hi honey, it's like, can I have a moment of peace? Where is

this coming from? And you don't even know, right? You don't even know. Yeah, first of all, the grocery stores have made so much fucking money. And there hasn't been one word as far as I know. Granted, I never looked it up. But I don't think at one point they ever tell anybody to calm down. Okay, do you know how long some of that shit they had on their shelves and they couldn't fucking sell it? Hello. Yes, I'm doing the podcast. You wanted to come in and see me. I think you're becoming a little ham on this thing. How are you doing? What are you what are you dressed up for? For dance class. You have dance class today over the the internet, right? Yeah. And what are you going to be working on today? We're working about ABCs. Oh, the ABCs? Can you sing your favorite

song? Yeah, my favorite song is Old Town Road. Old Town Road? How does it go? Yeah, you do. Going to take my horse to the Old Town Road. I'm gonna. Ah, you're all shy. She wakes up in the morning here down the hall singing it. Can I get back to doing the podcast here? Yes. Okay, thank you. Thank you. Bye. Love you. Anyway, the the fuck was like these fucking grocery stores, they're sitting around. This is the last week. We're going to be able to sell every head of shit or shit, whatever that shit is that nobody ever buys. Huh? We haven't sold this much RunaBagas since 9 11. Now we don't know when they're going to scare the shit out of people like this again. So we need to get all this stuff out of here. And I'm not talking bananas and

apples. Everybody buys that shit. Talking radishes, radishes, RunaBagas, fucking red leaf, whatever the fuck that shit is. All right. Now I know kale, its popularity has come and gone. Kale was the boy band of vegetables. That's what I think they're doing. And then the news this week is just, it's just going to be like, Oh my God, everyone is dying. Right. And all you got to do is look out the window and see your dumb neighbor. You know what I mean? With his fucking do it yourself project that you know, he's never going to finish. It's just like, he's still fine. What is he was he got one of those blonde Oreos fucking shoving him in his mouth? Yeah, we're going to be good. Just look out the window. You're going to be fine. All right. Everything's

all one of all the truckers die. I mean, well, what if all the doctors die? Aren't they exposed the most? I mean, we're going to be fine. Fucking relax. All right. This is the peak week, everybody. This is the time where you don't shit yourself. Okay. This way you fucking remain calm and just do what they're telling you to do. Don't shit yourself the way your favorite quarterback does in the playoffs after he threw for fucking 500 yards, three times against teams that weren't going to be there in January. And then he shows up for the playoffs. His eyes get all wide. His fucking mouth gets dried. And he throws a fucking pick. You know, I'm gleefully completely out of politics. I'd a buddy of mine did a joke about, I guess how Trump did some fucking shit about, you know, I'm not

familiar with this model talking about, you know, the pandemic and all that shit. And then he goes, well, I mean, you know, a model in this case, alluding to the fact that he fucked the model. So my buddy made a joke about it. And then this guy gets all over him going like, you know, why don't you stick to comedy? You know, not don't do any jokes about politics, bro. And it's just like, yeah, because you can't defend what he's making fun of. And what blows my mind about politics, aside from the fact that they can't see as far as politics go, that there's really no difference between a Democrat and Republican at the present presidential level, except for the rhetoric, a couple of policies. But other than that, they still suck in the same dicks. They still go out and do the

speech stores to the same fucking companies. I'm telling you that the same fucking person. And I really believe at this point, the next president of the United States at one point could give a speech with his literally with his dick out. Okay. And people would be more concerned about what color his tie was. Okay, so if the guy has his dick out, right, because it's going to be a guy, okay, until women can somehow step up and bring some sort of excitement, you know, to their lies before they become president and all the same fucking problems that we have continue. All right. The next president will be a guy, right? And he could literally stand there with his fucking dick out. All right. And if he's wearing a blue tie, and you go fucking the fuck's with this, he's got

his fucking dick out. And then they'd be, Oh, whatever, you fucking Trumpster, Donald Trump, fucking blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, or if it's another fucking Republican, if it's Trump again, and he has his dick out, these fucking idiots who support him will literally look past that and start talking about some shit, Obama did. I just, I fucking, I give up. That's the president of the United States who's taking time during a pandemic to remind everybody that he's banged models. At what point does the color of his tie not matter? And you go, you know what? As much as I love my political party, what the fuck is this? This guy should be made fun of for that. I mean, it's just fucking, I give up. I give up. All

right. Anywho. So Jesus Christ, I am not like, I have been such a fucking goddamn good boy during this shit. You know, now when I go on my fucking hikes, even though I never see anybody around my neighborhood, I got my fucking mask on. And then when I walk by somebody, they don't have that mask on. I know I'm all right, but I low, I give, I squint my eyes at him. How dare you do what I was doing as of yesterday? Don't you realize how much better I am than you? Yeah, I'm doing the whole fucking thing. You know, I'm just staying inside this whole fucking week. I'm getting a lot of shit done on zoom and all of that type. I know that people fucking break into shit. I think that's fucking hilarious. Somebody crashing your meeting.

Somebody says they had, there was a fucking meeting and some guy just crashed and he was wearing some weird devil mask. And he just sat there and wouldn't say anything the entire time. I mean, that, that's fucking hilarious. I guess it's not hilarious. Like if I guess if we were doing like something a, you know, if you're trying to do a TV show and you're like talking about ideas for the next season, then all the surprise would be gone. I don't know. This is just something I find funny about it. So anyway, it's April 6th. As of tomorrow, all freckles is 500 days without a drop of booze. I mean, occasionally I'll cook with wine, but it burns all off, right? And it's not going to get a buzz on it or anything like that. I made some lamb shanks and I had a bottle, a cheap

bottle of red wine I put in there. So if you want to count that, I don't fucking know. Then I guess maybe I only have 24 days, but 500 days, that's the hall of fame, man. You need 500 or months, 500 days. So Brian ain't shit, dude. That's not even a year and a half, believe it or not. And I'll tell you, I have been, I have been seriously tempted both booze wise and cigar wise, even though there's no such thing as the wise guys, whether wise those are all made up words until they're in the dictionary. Basically a word has to be used enough times before the Webster dictionary people are like, all right, fine. If you're going to continue to use it, we're going to put it in here. That's like when the Emmys wouldn't consider streaming television

and then everybody started watching it and they're like, oh, did we say we weren't counting that? Is that where everybody is? Oh, okay, we'll count that. It's all about the money, man. It's all about the money. If you have a dictionary and you have a bunch of words in there that nobody's fucking use and you become obsolete, it's all of a sudden, you're like, okay, she ready is now in the dictionary. Initially started off as slang and then the president said it. All right. I don't know what guys this fucking pandemic has to fucking ensued because I just, well, what am I going to tell you about just fucking walking around my goddamn house, doing my core workout. You know what I'm doing? I'm getting in fucking great shape.

I'm down to the low 170s. I think I'm about buck 71 started off the beginning of March. I ballooned up to a buck 80 because I stopped smoking cigars and then I just changed my diet. I go for my old man walks and I do my little fucking, you know, my stretching and all of that type of shit. I've given up on my shoulders. I don't think they're ever going to get better. I just have to like slow down, put in the work, slow down, put in the work. That's what I keep saying to myself that John Bonham look had a little bit, uh, lick at a fucking setback. I'm just slow down, put in the work and now I'm ramping it back up again slowly, but surely we're having it back up again. Board out of my mind. Um, I got to think if this is the, if the peak week

is right now, all right. I don't know, but you got to think this shit was getting out of hand in January and February and we didn't really do anything about, I don't know. I kind of feel by the end of May, you know, it's got to go back. I've already been like trying to enjoy taking, driving down the street out here in LA with just like nobody on the street. You know, every three days we go out, we go out for a little drive and, uh, it's amazing. It's just fucking incredible. It's just like, is this what it was like to live out here in the 1940s? This is fucking amazing. Somebody sent me a very depressing stat since this whole band pandemic started. There's another 21 million people on the, in the world,

21 million people that's filling up the fucking Rose Bowl 210 times. So as much as they're saying that, you know, this could kill 100 to 250,000 people here in America alone, like we're still out fucking it, you know, and, uh, I don't know. You got to think mother nature's got to be thinking like what the fuck do I have to do? Or maybe she just keeps putting the bomb in the wrong animal. You know, like she, you know, it's like she's playing roulette. Okay. And she's got her stacks of chips on 17 and then just floated a couple of chips on, you know, somebody's going to go down on a bat, whatever, whatever the fuck happened over there. Fuck the bat, ate the bat, you know, had a bat as a friend and it started to fall off its shoulders. And when

it reached up with its creepy little wing fingers, it scratched the side of this person's neck, you know, went right into the bloodstream straight to the vein. And all of a sudden, nobody could understand what the fuck this dude was saying. I'm assuming it was a guy, you know, eating a bat. That's some guy shit. You know, women have that. Ew, I'm not eating that. They have that gene stronger than men. Guys have that thing. I'll fucking eat it. And then I'll tell the story loudly next to some woman I'm attracted to, and maybe she'll say hi to me and break the ice. What do you think it is? It's like a game show. It's out there. The thing that's going to fucking take us all out is out there or could possibly take us out there. Okay. And it's up to

a couple of adventurous human beings in each country to go out and fucking eat it, fuck it, lick it, scratch it, whatever the fuck it is, rub up against it, breathe its air. It's out there. It's in a tree. It's in up something's fucking ass. I don't know where it is, but it's out there. Mother nature's fail safe. But I have to say mother nature really wanted us to live because whatever's going to take us out, she buried so fucking goddamn deep in the rainforest or out there in space, you know, or if you're more of a God person, maybe God has like the death asteroid that he let go wherever the fun. It is a guy. All right. It is a guy because you have to be able to block out emotions to do what that man did. All right. Or maybe it's a woman. And then if it's

a woman, she created men so they should fucking get mad at her. I think God's at the other end of the solar system, right? And just like curling, like that old bid I used to do, he's got an asteroid and he just kind of slid and let that thing go somewhere around 1959, 1960. You know, he let it, he let, he waited to see what was going to happen after World War II. Now do they get it? Now do they get that they should all be working together? Nobody's better than anybody else? Nope. Nope. Here comes the cold boy. You know what? I think I need to take this out and start over again. Or maybe he or she or it or they is just paying attention to me. You ever think that maybe God has just done with this earth and has moved on to

all the other earths out there? Unless you're a flat earth or what I would say, some of the other light bulbs in the sky as we sit down here in the soup bowl, whatever the fuck it is you guys think. Oh, good. What am I talking? What are we 18 minutes and 51 seconds? And Jesus Christ, you know what I feel like right now? I feel like I'm back in the day and I'm doing a nooner at a college. What's a nooner bill? Oh, you know, that's when you do standup comedy at 12 noon or one in the afternoon in broad fucking daylight in a college cafeteria and they have no idea there's going to be a show. Do you know how many of those fucking things I did? And every time I did one, I fucking would call up my agent Scott Bass. God bless him. Bass Shuler Entertainment,

number one fucking college fucking agent the entire time I was there. I call him up. I'm never fucking doing that again. And he would just sit there and listen to me because he knew I was broke. And he knew that he could call me in another 10 days. Billy Scott Bass calling. I have her school for you. Aberdeen, South Dakota. They don't have a lot of money, but I can build around it. All right. And I would always take it because I needed the fucking money. I was living in New York City and I was actually excited to see Aberdeen. I think I did that gig after I did something in like fucking, I want to say Ogden, Utah. No, I did something in Olathe, Kansas or some shit. And I want to say I took the 29 North. Is that the 29? Cause the 35 goes up to

Minneapolis. Let's, let's check old Billy's map knowledge here. Was it the 29? It's a 20 something, wasn't it? The fuck was that? The 29 crushed it. I took route 29 Olathe. Yeah. Oh my God. Fucking hilarious. I can't find my cell phone, but I remember this gig. I did Olathe, Kansas, and then I had to drive all the way up fucking route 29. I guess I could have flown, but I wanted to see it. I wanted to see what it looked like. And I was out there and I saw a fucking geese flying in the V, you know, like I was in a daffy duck cartoon drove all the way, all the way up this fucking thing to Aberdeen, South Dakota. I can't even find it anymore. What the fuck is it? I went to South Dakota a lot. I only went to,

wasn't it South of Sioux Falls? I only went to North Dakota once and I literally did Fargo, I believe. I can't find it anymore. Yeah. So I drove all the way up that thing, Rhinelander, Wisconsin. I used to do this show in the upper peninsula of Michigan. I've told these stories before, but it's a pandemic. You're just going to have to listen to them again. Oh yeah. These were these were the years when I was the most fucked up. I think that that was my peak week of being a loner and being fucked. I did these gigs by myself. There were days that I didn't talk to anybody the entire fucking day. Until I met whoever the talent coordinator was at the college and it felt weird to talk.

And I used to just listen, I would listen to religious radio. I'd listen to the Bob and Tom show. Tom like us, you bitches. I would listen to his show. And I would just, I don't know, I would just be talking to myself. If one point was this weird thing where I was excited to see all these places and I really enjoyed the road and I used to go out of my way if I had time to look at sports stadiums. You know, I remember when I did, I did a gig in Madison, Wisconsin. I remember driving to Wisconsin university and just driving around or driving along the side of where the Wisconsin Badgers football team played thinking, I'm going to go to a game there someday. I still haven't.

I remember fucking, and this is when they were tearing down all these old stadiums. And oh shit, my dad called me. All of these stadiums were going away and I got to go to a lot of the pro ones before they, they got rid of them. Some of the just really just ugly ones that I don't think anybody really misses the Hubert Humphrey Homer Dome. Remember that shit? They'd hit a home run and it would go out and it would hit like the fucking giant garbage bag, county stadium. Yeah, I went to a lot of that shit. That's just all fucking boring. Who knows? All right, let's get to some of the advertising here. God, what a fucking time of my life that was. I remember going on like they would have, they had shit out there in the

middle of fucking nowhere, like, like the letter, like the street names were letters, like rural road L and I would be on these fucking things. And I just, I had, I had only one fucking rule when I was out there. I would do any fucking gig at any time of the day as much as I would bitch about it afterwards. I would always say yes, because I needed the money, you know, because you'd be basically, you'd make 1500 bucks all inclusive for the gig, which sounds like a lot of money, but once you fucking, you know, your plane ticket would be 300 bucks. All right. So now you're down to 1200. First of all, you paid, you paid 20% commission off of the gross. If you were dumb like me, you should have done it off the net, right? But I didn't, I paid it off the

gross. So it was 20%. So that's 200 bucks, 300 bucks, right? So now you're down to 1200. You paid 300 bucks just for your fucking plane ticket. All right. So now you're down to 900. It's going to cost you another with rental cars and all that bullshit, another hundred bucks. Now you're down to 800 bucks. And then it would be, and then with taxes back then they come in and they take another fucking, I don't know, 35% of that, whatever that is, 35 times eight, another 270 off the 800. Yeah. By the time you'd end up just walk coming out, you'd fly, you'd fly all the way to fucking Lincoln, Nebraska, and then drive four hours into the state, do a show, eat your balls, get back in your car, drive four hours back to the airport, fly back,

paid of, you know, back and forth to the airport, basically for 500 bucks. So when the new owner came along, that was another 700 bucks. So then you had, you actually had a day that made it worth it. But how it worked in comedy was, you know, you, you know, you can't get your cake and eat it. It's like, all right, you're going to get an extra 700 bucks this day, but you're still paying for gas and all of this shit. You're still going to be riding another fucking round trip, fucking six to eight hours. And, uh, and then you're going to stand on stage and absolutely fucking humiliate yourself for 60 minutes. You know, you know what's funny? It wasn't, it really wasn't even being up there. It was the thought of being up there that was so much worse.

Once I was up there, I was fine. And, um, no matter how bad it went, I was fine because as I was up there, I knew in an hour from now, I'm going to be in my car, you know, then I'd do another fucking 20 minutes material and I looked down at my watch and three minutes has gone by and I'd be like 57 minutes. I'm going to be in my car. Thank God I never said that. If I've ever said that on stage, you know what, guys, as awful as this is, as humiliating as this is for me in an hours time, I'm going to be in my car and I'm going to leave this place. And you know what, you know what, you guys are still going to be here. You had 12 years to study and not end up here and you fucking blew it. And they know that this school is so sad that they had to hire an orange headed

clown to come here because they couldn't afford a real clown that would put on an orange wig in the makeup. They couldn't afford that in the budget. They had to fucking hire a guy that looks like a clown that only took off his face makeup to come here and entertain you stupid cunts for an hour. But I'm going to be gone and you're still going to be here. And this is the gene pool that you're going to reproduce in your dream girl, the mother of your children went to a community college, no dorm rooms, a high school level cafeteria that I am standing in. So you couldn't do any of that because they still were holding onto your check. So you had to stand up there and fucking here's another fucking joke. All right. Now was what it was like to be a fucking

college comedian. And I know I was making fun of my college agent back then, but they were the but they were the fucking best. And whenever I go to Chicago, I was trying to invite them out to a show, whether they show up or not is who knows. Okay, it's not special. I'm not special to them is what I realized when I go there. If I was, they wouldn't have put me on those shoes. No, I'm kidding. I'm just trying to guilt them. So they'll show up next time. I know everybody's got their fucking lives. That is one of the depressing things when you get older is once everybody gets married and has kids that just becomes your number one priority and you just can't fucking hang anymore. Um, but I'll tell you what I fucking learned, man, what is fucking hilarious is a few years ago

when we went to, we went to some fucking college game. I can't even remember where the hell we were. And, uh, one of my buddies that we go to the game with, he got this deal on this house through his company. So when we went there, there was like an overlap and staying. And there was this group of guys that were like for the first two days we were there. We there for like, you know, four days, the first day and a half, his other buddies were there and these guys were all married guys. And, uh, what I saw in the 36 hours I hung out with them, they crammed a year's worth of of like heavy alcohol abuse into every, every second. They would not go to bed. They would not stop drinking cigar after cigar. I remember one guy, he woke up, his car was going to be there

in 20 minutes and he ran and he jumped in the pool just to do it one more time, ringed out his bathing suit, stuck the wet thing in his bag, did not give a fuck. Another guy was doing tequila shots at like seven in the morning waiting for his car to show up. He fucking picked up a guitar. I'll never forget it. He fucking played 50 ways to leave, uh, leave 50 ways to leave your lover, right? Lose your lover, leave your lovers, right? Paul Simon, very obscure. And then he closed with Bon Jovi, uh, wanted dead or alive. I remember Verzi was upstairs, fucking texting me. Verzi sleeps in, Verzi loves a bed, right? And when that guy was like, you just slip out of the bag, Jack. I just get this text. Like it just says really question mark,

three exclamation points. So, um, whatever. So what I'm basically saying is enjoy this fucking pandemic because this is something, you know, I'm obviously, if you're in a financial strain, this is not a fun time. But you know, if you, if you socked away some fucking, you know, squirreled away some nuts there, there's what the fuck we should all learn from this is, uh, you know, it's kind of nice to fucking be around your friends and family, isn't it? A little bit, at least, I mean, obviously if they weren't other people dying and shit like that. Um, oh, look at that. The masters is rescheduled to November 12th to 15th. Look at that. He's just got that text message. All right. So I guess maybe they'll reschedule

my Atlanta dates around that cause I bought some tickets to go to it this year. All freckles, huh? Just going to fucking do it up right there. All right. Let's do some reads here. Some reads for the week during the peak week of hysteria. All right. Helix, everybody. Helix. All right. Here's my Helix ad. Hi, I'm Bill Burr. Oh, why did they do this? Okay. Hi, I'm Bill Burr. I'm a really unique guy. I'm not. That's why you like my podcast, uh, or don't like it. I don't care. Yes, I do. Or I wouldn't be doing it. Is that putting words in my mouth? All right. Uh, here's all the talking points. Helix sleep built a sleep quiz that takes two minutes to complete and they use the answers to match your body type and sleep preference to the per preferences to

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All right. Hey everybody. Uh, if you enjoy this podcast, I also do another podcast with the, uh, amazing Bert Kreischer, who has a, his own standup special streaming now on Netflix called Hey, big boy. And you can catch up on last week's bill Bert podcast and subscribe on YouTube or the podcast app location. Is that what it stands for app? Um, I don't even know what app stands for. You know, I'm going to fucking look that up. God knows I have the time. Are you like me people? If you've become a pretty good cook during this time. App, abbreviation, meaning it is application. I had no idea. You got to download the app. Um, you know, do you think we should still be using contractions during the pandemic,

considering we have all this time? Are the days just dragging everybody to try giving up contractions? I have not downloaded that application that would allow me to use the services of the United States postal service right here in my domicile. Sorry. All right. I guess we're going to get to the fucking questions here, people. All right. Um, all right. Thank you, dear bill. Wow. I don't get too many. Thank you. I lost my uncle to COVID-19 last Wednesday. Ah, man, that sucks. I'm sorry. My wife is a nurse in Queens. I have been working from home. I take my wife to work and drive her home every day. So she won't have to take the subway. You're a good man. Every day she comes home,

broken and exhausted. Every morning she goes out and does it again. She hasn't smiled too much lately. I pay, I play your podcast for her on drives home. It's the only time I see your smile and hear her laugh. Thank you for that. My regards to you and your beautiful family. Now, there's a guy, there's a good family man right there. He knows what he's got, right? Look at that, and they're right on the front lines. Um, and she's wearing a mask and gloves and he hasn't gotten sick. So there you go. Everybody learned from these people right on the front lines. Um, speaking of somebody else who died of the COVID-19 is, uh, is it Tom Dempsey, right? The famed half a foot field goal kicker kicked a 63 yard field goal

with no time left to beat the Detroit Lions, I believe back in the day. I don't even know what's stadium, what's stadium? Was that in two lane stadium? Let's see here. He passed away. Rest is so 83 years old. Tom Dempsey field goal stadium. All right. Tom Dempsey played for the Eagles. I want to say he did it against the Lions. Oh, he was 73, not 83. Uh, dies at 73. Oh, he did it in old two lane stadium. Look at me. Let's make his death about my fucking sports knowledge. Um, all right, let's see. Did he do it against the Lions? That's a great, by the way, fucking old school, St. Jersey. Yeah. The Detroit Lions 63 fucking yard field goal. And the other team actually said because

of his special shoe, that's why he did it. You know, you could never say that today. It's because of his goddamn cripple shoe. He had a cripple cleat on. That's why he beat us. His foot weighed less because he only had half a foot. It had less drag. These fucking handicapped people should have their own league. You could say shit like that. This is a Watts only stadium. You could say crazy shit like that back then. I guess you could say it nowadays. He's just fucking getting in trouble. Let me see. There's got to be a Mitchell and Ness Tom Dempsey fucking Jersey. Tom Dempsey, by the way, speaking of Tom's, I have had a fucking delayed

Tom Dempsey's kick. What the fuck is this? Is that the shoe he wore? No, wait a minute. That's the fucking shoe he wore. I might, I might contest this in front of that fucking shoe. Looks like the front of a goddamn tugboat. New Orleans Saint's.com to honor Mercedes Ben. Am I really going to do this? Am I going to make fun of his fucking shoe the week he died? You know what? I'm not going to do this. I am above this. How do I get out of this? Here we go. Images. Tom Dempsey, Jersey. Let's see here.

They don't make one. Let's see. They got to have one. Maybe it wasn't Mitchell and Ness. Tom Dempsey, Jersey. The fuck. How fucking far do you have to kick a ball with half a fucking foot? You can't get one. Oh, there it is. There's one. That's a fucking great one to have. If you could somehow get the home white with the gold numbers, that's the shit right there. Wait, was he missing part of his hand too? Oh my god. This guy is fucking amazing.

Fucking amazing, man. What a guy. What a life. Rest in peace, Tom Dempsey. All right. Let's work our way here through these fucking emails. I'll try to slow it down here because I'm trying to give you a fucking hour. I'm trying to give you a fucking hour. All right. You know what the great thing about this fucking pandemic is, is these fucking assholes who have exotic pets, at least bats are safe for a while, right? You know, these fucking crazy ass goddamn people. And also I got to say something, that Tiger King thing. I don't understand why everybody just think that that guy is the funniest dude ever. Post me too and all of this shit. As I said in my act, nobody cares because

it happened to a guy. The guy was like, to look to me like he was fucking drugging these young boys that he got to work with them. And then he started banging them. And then one of them ended up killing himself, accidentally shot himself. Oh my god, it's fucking hilarious. I don't get it. I don't get it. Yeah, you know, I have a pretty open fucking sense of humor. Why don't you bring in sexual assault? And there's no joke there. I guess the joke is, I don't know how many is pretending he's singing those country songs. I have no idea. Anyway, at work, here we go. I work at CVS in Florida. If that summarizes my existence well enough, work the graveyard shift one to two times a week. Oh my god. Had a lady called to

discuss the technical difficulties of whether Kleenex is suitable for ass wiping. Do you think people generally believe that we care? Please cover retail. I have to talk about retail. I never worked in retail. Well, you do live in Florida, buddy. I mean, I feel like Florida collects all the lunatics from around the world around this country. There's three states that really collect lunatics. All right. Florida. Well, what did I think? No, I would just say to Florida and California, Florida, just the people, you know, the sunshine and no state tax. And if you're going to be homeless, you want to be in a warm climate and like Los Angeles,

all these fucking jerk offs come out of here like myself trying to make it in this goddamn business. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. I can't tell you this the other day we were watching TV and that in that goddamn commercial with those fucking bears with the toilet paper stuck to their furry asses. I don't know why that just grosses me out. I don't know why they thought that the bear, I mean, obviously it'd be more gross to see a human ass with toilet paper stuck in the human ass hair. But I don't know. There's just, I don't understand that there's no other way to convey that message and picture in the bears with their fucking paws that are not capable of wiping their asses.

What do they do? They just fucking squat in a stream. They scratch it up against a goddamn tree. Is that why grizzly bears are always in such a fucking bad mood? Has it really come to this? I got to start getting guests on this fucking podcast. Well, buddy, that call, no pun intended, should be a wake up call that when this thing is done, you need to work your way out of where the fuck you've ended up in life in Florida in a CVS. God knows during a pandemic, you get plenty of medicine unless you have a bad relationship with the pharmaceutical guy down back. All right, pandemic worse. Hey, Billy ballbag, I keep hearing you say this pandemic is going to turn into an epidemic. A pandemic is worse than an epidemic,

you moron. Well, a pandemic will eventually be an epidemic when it fucking dries up then. So I am right. Okay. Hope that clears up your confusion, big fan. But as always, go fuck yourself. Well, first of all, part of the charm of this podcast is I don't know what I'm talking about and I refuse to look shit up. Although I did look that up. So I was like, so what's worse than a pandemic? And they had nothing. As far as I could tell. So I guess an epidemic affects a region of pandemic. It goes beyond that. Was that technical enough for you? I have no idea. But it doesn't, it starts off as an epidemic, then it becomes a pandemic. And then when it dies back down again, it doesn't become an epidemic again. I had to have been right at some point.

Sorry, but I mean, isn't it nice to be able to tell the host of the show that you listen to that he's a fucking moron? That's got to feel good, right? Now I want to see everybody come out and defend me the way you defend and fucking Donald Trump. Unbelievable. It's got a red tie. I like, I believe in the red tie way. I will defend it. It's okay to say that I bang a model during a pandemic during your fucking speech. That does not make me concerned whatsoever. You know, I won't even be able to own up to the fact that, Hey, yeah, this guy's a bit of a fucking moron. Nope, just going to sit there and tow the company line. Anyway, all right, my boyfriend won't look good bald. Dear Bill, you don't know what he's going to do, burr. Please, please, please stop

encouraging people to experiment with shaving their heads during this pandemic. My boyfriend and I both listened to the podcast separately. And recently he's been dropping the idea of shaving his head into the conversation. He'll probably go bald eventually, but I think I will lose what's left of my mind if he takes it upon himself to expedite the process. Love you, your podcast, your specials and your show saw you in Boston last year and you killed it. Much love to you and your family. Please stay safe and healthy. Now, right there, right there, right there, that whole email is all you need to know about the female brain, what they consider important, and then their manipulation abilities. Okay. Now, if I was a woman and I was doing a podcast and said, girls,

if you got a couple X to 10 pounds and you think it looks good, then get on with your fat self, right? And they'd be, that's right, you go girl and all that type of shit, right? If a guy wrote in said, please, please, please stop telling my girlfriend to keep eating her fucking cunt bellies hanging over her panties. And it was her panties that made my deck hard. And now I'm fucking, it looks like a trucker squatting to take a shit when she's standing up. I can't handle it, right? Now a guy would leave it at that would leave his own superficial thoughts at that, but not a woman. Then she goes to cover her tracks where love you, love your podcast, your specials and your show. I saw you in Boston. Yeah, I spent some money on you last year and you killed it.

Much love to you and your family. Please stay safe and healthy. She went all fucking Joel Olstein on me here. Fuck all of that shit. You don't mean one fucking word of any of that. That's you covering your fucking tracks. Okay. Cause you know, deep down inside. Okay. If your boyfriend shaved your fucking his head, it's going to expose the fact that you might not love him as much as you thought you did. Right? If he shaves his head, you can grow it back. You dumb cunt. I'm sorry. Why am I, why am I going this hard? I'm just fucking you dumb broad. He can fucking it'll grow back, you know? And if he looks bad, then only you have to look at it. And what,

why are you losing your mind? Cause you can't go to the mall and buy more shit that you don't need. You fucking lunatic. Maybe he's losing his fucking hair because he's realizing living with you, that there's not a house in the world that he could go out and buy that you're not going to fill up with a bunch of horseshit. Right? There you go. Now, and now that was, I was playing devil's advocate. Now I'll, I'll side with you. Did he have neglectful parents that just left them on his back for his whole childhood? So he has a fucking shovel to the back of the head skull. Well, here's what you got to do. If he's going to eventually fucking lose it, then why don't you, why don't you, you know, like some of these boyfriends do who buy their friends, their girlfriend's

fake tits? Why don't you go out and fucking foot the bill for his hair plugs? Then he can go swimming without a bathing cap. He can do all of that type of shit. You know, my boyfriend won't look good bald. Wow. I got to see his head. So you got a Shrek head. I don't know if I can pull it off, anybody can fucking pull it off. It's fine. You just got to get used to it, you know, and you'll actually be safer with them walking down the street. If he's in shape and he has a shaved head, there's something about it. People just think, you know, like how to fucking, you know, a little that MMA shit, you know, but the truth is just what you really need to do is once somebody has a shaved head and they're in shape, then what you got to do is you have to look at their ears. And

if they don't have one of those cauliflower ears and they're of a certain age past a certain age, where they probably would have got one by then, then it's just like, oh, he just had male pattern baldness. All right, plowing ahead here. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you, lady. I think if that's going to make you lose your mind unless you're just being playful, I would, I would, uh, I get a new boyfriend, uh, airlines and hand sanitizer guy. Uh, hey, Bill. Hey, Billy Red Goat Burr. Uh, I am from the iron. I'm from Ireland and dyslexic. So if you could please forgive me for any spelling mistakes, you cunt. Thanks. No worries. I completely agree with you about the hand sanitizer guy. Guy goes out on a limb, makes a few pounds from self,

and he's not a millionaire already. And he gets fucked over by billion dollar companies. Yeah, he did. He did the news who made a, who've made a fortune off the pandemic. Uh, anyway, my example of this, uh, that friends from mine, dude, you speak English. What the fuck? You're not flipping letters around. If you fucking not writing sentences that makes sense. Anyway, my example of this is that friends from mine, Irish people living in Australia, trying to fly home because of the COVID-19, it would usually cost them 1600 pounds to get home, but now it's costing them like 10,000. No bitching on CNN or Fox about airlines fucking people over to make more money. I thought they went the other way. I thought they were cheaper. Oh, I didn't know that.

Well, if they're doing that, yeah. Well, because there's only going to be also 10 people on the fucking plane and they got to pay for all that fuel. I kind of understand that. Aviation's a motherfucker, man. Uh, love you. Cheesecake factory episode with some funny shit on Thursday. Uh, you and the family be safe. Go fuck yourself. All right. Uh, well, I'm glad somebody else sees my side of it with the fucking hands entertainer guy. He took a fucking big chance and it came in and everybody got mad at him. You know, he did go too crazy with the prices. All right, lost record deal because of basis girlfriend. Oh no, dear Billy tooth tooth. Um, my, uh, my band was about to sign a pretty good record deal with a reputable label. Not that, not the kind

that would fuck us over either. I didn't know one of those existed. The signing was scheduled for the first week of March, but we asked to push it off a week. Our basis told us he needed to hold off a week because his fiance had no time to process. How would it affect her and their lives together? He actually said that. I don't need to go any further. You need to get a new bass player unless you really like the guy. Then you got to tell him he needs to get Yoko in line. Our drummer walked out of the room and I almost combusted after they had the conversation and she decided it was okay to pursue his dreams. We scheduled to sign March 16th a Monday on Friday the 13th, not superstitious. We got a call that all new signing slash commitments would go on hold

indefinitely, but it's cool because I'd rather keep my job in the shipping department of a textile plant. I love this dude and he's perfect for the band, but that's unforgivable. I'd like to blame her, but he acted like a puss. You know what? Yeah, you're absolutely right. Treat him like a man. If you want him to be a man, you got to treat him like one. I can be mad at her though because she apparently told him who cares. No one is going to care about music during all of this. Oh my god, peace and love, I guess. Yeah, those women are out there. You're not allowed to talk about them or you get called a misogynist. That is fucking gut-wrenching. This is what you got to do because you're not going to get a woman like that in line. She needs to go find somebody with his

junk tucked between his legs for the rest of his fucking life. You got to sit this guy down and just be like, all right, here's the deal. When this pandemic's over, you got to choose the band, you got to choose her. Okay, and that's it. That's it. Oh man, the situation that she fucking created, that's awful because he obviously loves her. Oh my god, what a fucking horrible person. He is with a fucking horrible person. He needs to be rescued. Like a helicopter needs to come in like with special ops, one of those helicopters that makes no fucking noise. They just repel down from the side. While he's sleeping, they just put his hand over their mouth and he goes like that and they just go, and they just take him and his base

rig out of there. That's it. Some government issue, hot topic, leather pants and fucking shirt, and then that's it. That's a wrap. Listen, she's ending his dream and if he stays in the band or he stays with her, she's going to end all of your dreams. That's it. Congratulations, by the way, on the record deal, whether it happens or not. In hindsight, those fucking record deals are a lot really shitty, so she actually might have saved you, but something needs to go. It's either they go as a set or she just gets cut away as dead weight, one or the other, but you can't fucking have that. All right, overweight girlfriend follow-up. Hey, Billy, fuck nuts. I wrote you last year about this time seeking your help on a problem. Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Are you asking for advice? Are you asking for advice? Hey, that's me. All right. I wrote you last week, last year, sorry, about this time seeking your help on a problem with an overweight girlfriend of five years and her struggle to get healthy because her feet hurt from running. Oh, all right. What do I got here? Who is this? Who is this? Oh, soul to soul. Yeah, I've gone down a whole fucking rabbit hole. I started following these guys on Instagram and they play all this old school hip hop. So right now I'm listening to this band,

the far side, really enjoying that. So if anybody's got any stuff like that, was just soul to soul from back in the day. All of that shit that I kind of listened to, but never bought because I was into playing drums. I was like, oh, it's a drum machine. It's not real drums. I can't listen to that. Stupid. Anyways, let's get back to this. Her feet hurt from running. Well, then she could walk. I tried to get your expertise on the matter or what I should do, seeing that I'm now getting into my 30s and I don't want to be tied down with one chick who I sexually have no desire to fuck anymore, even though she's cool as shit.

Yeah, I mean, it's also, then she's going to get pregnant and she could, she could really have a lot of health problems. The weight thing is really like that's a, you know, and there's a pandemic out there. It's really not a good thing to be fucking overweight. So, and I would say your desire to not fuck her anymore is probably, I don't know. Do you really love this person? Because I gotta tell you, no matter how big my wife got, I'd still stay with her, you know, and I would try to help her out and all of that. Maybe some of your, you're not, if you really love this person, right? This goes back like the woman, you know,

the guy shaving the head. Now, she wasn't actually seriously going to leave the guy, but like, if you're going to leave somebody because they go bald or they get fat, then it's like, you know, I'm trying to see, you don't really love them, you know? I guess if, if like, if they got like morbidly obese and you loved them so much, you couldn't sit around and watch them slowly kill themselves. I guess I could maybe see that. Anyways, let's read more of this. I mean, I gotta be honest with you, I keep myself in the shape I do out of vanity. And then also like, you know, I want my wife to be attracted to me. You know what I mean? I'm gonna be walking around like

fucking man tits. I'm not making my wife look at that. Gotta fuck her with my shirt on. One of those free t-shirts you get at a softball game. Now she's got to get on top of me. I mean, I mean, how much are you going to test the other person in your light, in your relationship? How much are you going to test their love? Anyway, he goes, it took two episodes, Monday to Thursday to seek help from the wonderful Nia on the matter, what I should do. Neither of you helped sad to say, thanks, but it's cool because we split up and started seeing other people sort of just dipping our toes in the water, which I think is healthy for the both of us at this time.

Well, I don't think during a pandemic, it's a good time. Anyway, the problem is we still live with each other until July. Yeah, see, you didn't love each other. We're both civil and nice to one another, but there's still that lingering demon you dig. Yeah, I get it. Okay, my problem, parentheses, why I've come to you, we have two cats. Oh, I thought you meant seeing some other dude coming in to fuck or that bugger. Not just cats, they have become my kids, literally love them so much. She said she's taking them with her in July, and I'm completely heartbroken about the ordeal, seeing that I may not see them again, or she starts seeing an anti-cat animal person, it may be abusive to them. I don't know, Bill, you got any words to get

through something like this, or what I should do? Anyway, man, thanks and go fuck yourself. All right, well, congratulations for figuring out that you're not what the person you're supposed to be with. Congratulations to both of you. Congratulations that you're being civil. And I understand, you know, I fucking love animals. You know, they get in your heart and that's it. That's where they stay. So this is what I would do. All right, you got to accept the fact that she's going to take the cats. All right, she obviously loves the cats, so they're going to be fine. And I don't think that she's going to put up with somebody abusing them. And I don't think it's a good route to bring up if somebody abuses them to give them to me. I would just say, I would just tell her, I am

absolutely heartbroken that you're taking the cats. The thing that makes my heart feel all right is that I know that you love them as much as I do. Say that even if it isn't true. All right. So she'll actually hear what you have to say after and just say, I want to leave the door open that if there's ever, you know, you get into another relationship and the new person is allergic to cats or the perfect place where you're going to live doesn't accept animals. Know that my door is always open and I will take them in a minute. All right. So that is the best that you're going to do because when you go to split up with the woman, if she wants something, she's going to get it. All right. And just tear the bandaid off and give up that you're going to lose the cats,

but just leave the door open. So in case any bullshit goes down, I don't think, I don't think that she's going to, you know, some guys like beating the fuck out of the cats, and she's actually going to put up with that. Right. Now she's got all that extra weight so she can really get some, you know, something behind that right hand. She can knock the guy out and then bring the cats over to you. So I think you'll be fine. All right. Underrated, overrated. All right. Oh, by the way, now you can go meet somebody that actually, you know, takes physical fitness seriously. All right. You know, and stay single for a while and really think about what the fuck you're looking for in something that you can spend the rest of your

life with. Because when you do find that person, you know, speaking from experience, it's the greatest thing ever. All right. So congratulations and sorry about your cats. All right. Underrated, overrated, underrated, early Beatles music, musicality. Everyone loves to trash early Beatles as being basic. Ask any musician or musical arranger. The stuff is not basic and Ringo never sucked, uh, overrated. I agree with all of that. The Beatles are incredible and from the very beginning and the fact that they were, they were a boy band doing covers and grew into what they were and did all they did and put out all of that music and changed music as much as they did in 10 years is fucking incredible. It's the people that blow them so

much and their lack of being open to new music and then attributing everything to all the Beatles did something like that that makes people like a backlash against them. But any, like I said, I've never met any musician that would ever fucking trash them. All right. Overrated Netflix. If I had 4,000 stories to tell you, you sure as hell might like one of them. Every three months, there's a new flavor of the week documentary and maybe once a year, a season or something to watch. Give me my must see TV and I'll be all right. Appreciate them putting you on though, but fuck them. You're like old school like me. I get overwhelmed by streaming like I just kind of I my fucking ADD like I can't remember. There was something I wanted to watch, but what about this?

And I just, it just like, I'll watch Netflix for an hour just clicking through shit. I'm not good at it. So I just have my wife handle it, um, which by the way, man, we watched this fucking, if you want to watch a really cool fucking documentary, this last thing I'll tell you guys, I gotta get off my fucking day here. We watched this really cool fucking documentary on, uh, was it HBO go? Let's see what the fuck was the name of it. It's called the scheme on HBO and it's about this fucking kid that they pinned all of this bullshit on that's been going on for fucking ever. It's absolutely fucking amazing. Um, it's just about them paying college

players getting paid by boosters and all of that type of shit and agents trying to get in there and get to know the family. So they'll sign with them and all of that shit, you know, it's just, it's amazing. And then there's this kid who's just like a fucking prodigy and starting his own business at 15 and 16 and rating him. He just, he was absolute like a wonder kid that should have been brought into the business and he, he ends up becoming the Ollie North of the shit where, you know, the only North thing like back in the day where they tried to act like this one guy, he arranged the whole arms for hostages, things himself without anybody else being involved. Anyways, check it out. It's amazing. That is it. I am going to upload this podcast. I'm going to

fucking continue writing this goddamn script and I'm working out and I'm eating great. All right, everybody, hunker down, man. I know I'm fucking around this thing, but it is peak week. So everybody just fucking hang in there. We're going to get on the other side of this. All right, then we'll be running downhill and then the downhill part is going to be the most important fucking time. All right, because everybody's going to get, no, you can't get loose. Can't start sticking your head out of the fox hole because, you know, the bombs aren't coming in as frequently, man. You got to fucking do what they say for the rest of this shit. So we can put all of this behind us and people, you know, as people out there struggling, they need money. Don't be a selfish cunt

because you have money and fucking be walking around carelessly. All right, bandana's mask, whatever you can fucking do six of respect to six foot rule and stay away from other fucking people and just suck it up, man, for the next couple of fucking weeks. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday.