Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-7-14

Episode Date: April 7, 2014

Bill rambles about Paris, electricity and debates weight with the lovely Nia.

Q&A in Rampen Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday April fucking 7th What's going on? How are you? I apologize for the The bad sound on the recording I am right now. I am overseas. I am in gay patty. I don't mean that in a homophobic way It's just what they call it. I think gay still means happy over here It used to mean happy and the United States of America before gay people stole that word

You know and then started telling people how they can use it how they can't use it Doesn't make any sense to me. You don't know their word Anyways, I Mean how come stupid, you know, how come dope and stupid could actually mean something good, right? But you gay can't mean that's lame. I guess because it's it's Coming from gay meaning Same sex. I don't know. I've never understood it. I Can say like, you know that that fucking band is dead gay

Meaning lame and still not care of gay people get married Like why why does everybody have to be a fucking parent right now and just say what you can say and what you can't say It doesn't make a difference. What the fuck you say. It's what's in your fucking heart Right. All you're doing is you just given a roadmap For psychos on how to get through the minefield without showing their hand, you know And that's how you end up with another Hitler I'm joking. Maybe a Mussolini though I'm sorry. I'm gonna try not to move the computer here. The reason why I'm recording this way is because I

Finally figured it out after two times being over here or overseas I think I was in Australia one time and I blown out my fucking mixer mixer What I figured out over here for you people my countrymen in the States Do not plug anything with two only two prongs Into a fucking wall over here. My experience is it it either blows out the plug That's the best case scenario or it's just completely Damages and fucks over

Whatever device you were trying to put in I've lost two mixers. I Tried to plug my iPhone in and I'm saying this is with an adapter, too I didn't just stick it in a wall. I actually used an adapter and I I did that with my My iPhone charger for the 4s and think fucking blew up I should have known because I was charging it earlier and it was working fine And when I pulled it out of the wall, it was really hot now. I don't understand electricity to me. It's still magic And you somehow trapped lightning and put it in the wall

That's what electricity is to me it's lightning you know Because my only education about it was when old fatso With his male pattern baldness and his fucking that glasses flew the kite down there in Philly You know And he went out there and he was all hammered Because he was making excuses for his alcoholism Isn't that what he did? He said yeah beer is

Proof that God loves us Yeah, what a filthy old man he must have been Coming down the street with his giant mug I bet Ben Franklin was the first one to have like a personalized mug at a bar or something Like the first norm from Cheers as he comes stumbling in his stupid slurring witty systems Witty systems witticisms. How the fuck you say it? I don't know Anyways, so yeah, I'm over here on vacation I finally took a vacation. I've always wanted to come here and why the fuck not right?

What else am I gonna do? Huh? Go to fucking Santa Fe No, I've always wanted to come here and it has been absolutely incredible and I did not brush up on my French whatsoever I mean There wasn't really anything to brush up on I like how I just said that as if I was at one point Semi-fluent in the language. I wasn't I will tell you that I took it from 6th grade to 12th grade and I never progressed past French one and

Actually, I did I got the French to a and I did so poorly my dad suggested Why don't you go back to French one and start over again and get the basics? And I was like alright that sounds like a good idea and in theory it was a good idea Because I still had my junior and senior years to get through French to Have my two years of a language You know Because that was a big thing when I went to when I went to high school You have to have two years of a language if you don't have two years of a language

You're not going to be able to get into any college with anything in the United States of America Course turned out to be complete horseship All you have to do if you fuck up in high school is go to any college that you want to go to and just say listen Can I just start taking courses to prove that I can exist at this academic level? And then the head is they just think yeah, we'll take your money stupid. We'll take it go ahead pay for a couple of classes Flunk out. We got your money. You dumb fuck, but if you actually hang in there Eventually they have to accept you. That's the other way to get into a big school You know

They personally I think what you should really do if you want to save some fucking money and you weren't born The daddy war bucks I Ain't off that's the right reference. I've never seen Annie. I thought the whole thing was offensive I didn't like how Annie looked exactly how I looked when I was a child in the 70s and that they then made her a woman I took it as a personal attack, but that's a whole other fucking story Anyways, if you weren't born into a rich family what you really want to do is go to a Go to a community college for your first two years What's that like 700 bucks a year or a semester whatever the fuck it is

You knock that out. There's half your fucking college education bang bang boom You haven't you haven't had to pay shit and then you get then then you transfer to a bigger school In the better school and then you only have to pay two years and you know at the end of it You got the same degree hanging on the fucking walls the other jerk off But anyways Anyways met no Back to being here in France. So what I've been doing is I've been going on to this duo lingo Website and I gotta tell you it's been phenomenal and I've been over here in Paris having conversations

You know basic conversations in French with these Parisians who I told were unbelievably rude and To just speak English to them because they hate when you try and speak French And they'll roll their eyes and you'll try to talk to them in English and they'll either stomp away Or they'll just speak to you in English condescending condescending condescending all of that shit. I have to tell you my experience Nothing could be further from the truth These people have been ridiculously polite they're really fucking nice and If you're making an effort to speak their language, they're actually cool with it if you just sit there and you're like

Blah blah blah blah blah whatever you go. Do I say that right and they'll laugh and they'll they'll just kind of Help you along with it. That's what I find. I found a couple of impatient people, but you know what the fuck I Don't know I think it kind of goes back to that that same thing like with New Yorkers I always heard New Yorkers were rude and pushy and when I moved there I didn't find that I found her to be really friendly so either People are making up shit or I'm fucked up one or the other. It's probably a little bit of both Well, I've been here for about five days and I can't say enough about the people man. I think they're great and

the lovely Mia She's unbelievable when it comes to speaking other languages. She just like I Swear to God I was telling her the other day like she could be like a spy Because she'll sit there and she'll start speaking in French and her French is so good that they just roll with it here And then they start saying shit and I know Mia doesn't know what they're talking about But she doesn't portray that on her face. She just sits in the pocket and she watches their body language and their mannerisms and She picks up on what they're saying and then she responds to it with the French that she knows

Or if she doesn't she gives them a smile and then asks them in English is that what you're talking about and they absolutely fucking love her Me on the other hand, I've been able to get to I Had one cab ride that was entirely in French Which like made my whole fucking trip I Figured this is how you learn the language if you ever lived over here How to get you know have a cab ride in ordering food seems to be the way to go the first time So I've been trying to learn all these different

You know words for food in that type of shit over here, but it's been It's been tremendous. I've always wanted to come here and I got to tell you the limited amount of places that I've been to over here or Around the world I should say this is the Visually the most unbelievable city I've ever been to I Mean These sons of bitches knew what they were doing when they were laying this thing out. It's incredible Absolutely incredible like I've been to like I

Think three parks here Or two Two giant parks here that could fuck with Central Park Well, and then I was big as Central Park. They have another one. That's as big as Central Park I haven't been to that one yet. You know, it's funny as I looked it up on the internet and I guess at night That's where the hookers are And you know what I gotta tell you their hookers are pretty fucking gorgeous That's another thing too best-looking fucking women as far as a country

I've ever gone to and that includes I Mean this just might be personal taste this includes Sweden and Norway where the women were drop dead gorgeous and Iceland too like The French women are fucking unbelievable plus they're speaking French, you know Who the hell doesn't like a gorgeous woman speaking French, you know, I don't maybe you don't this is just all my own personal opinions here, but Anyways, these other two parks that I've gone to

The way that they do it. It's like you walk into the park and It's sort of you're covered like this Trees all around you and that's beautiful enough with park benches and all that And then you basically walk I don't know how far I don't know how many meters how many yet But you get all the way in Whatever about four or five football fields and once you get in all of a sudden it just comes to this like giant open area and then you have these 365 degree views of

like museums Old governmental buildings or like the Eiffel Tower all of a sudden will just be There like a like a goddamn mountain in the distance. It's Um Literally breathtaking, you know, and I know you guys gonna trash me for saying that but I swear to God, it's uh It's I can't say enough about it and If I was ever gonna live I think somewhere else I mean first of all, I always wanted to speak another language and also this this place is incredible and

I've only seen a little bit of it and I'll tell you about it after after these messages here I got to do a little bit of advertising here. I apologize for the click and sound if this is like extra loud, but like I said my fucking mixer only has Only has the two prongs and I'm not sticking that in the wall because you know, I buy like 90 dollar mixers So that's another thing too about your devices over here If you got something that cost you about a hundred bucks It's some sort of elect piece of electronic do not plug it into the fucking wall with or without an event Well without an adapter, it's probably gonna blow up

As opposed to just getting shorted out the other way, okay, here we go Stamps.com everybody The post office is always crowded now It'll be even more crowded with people mailing in their taxes, but you still need to get out envelopes and packages for your business What do you do use stamps comm instead stamps comm brings all the services for the post office right to your desk It's so convenient and easy to use you can buy and print official US postage for any letter any package using your computer and printer Then just hand it to your mailman stamps comm even send you a free digital scale that automatically calculates The extra post is unique and the scale is scale is yours to keep you'll never have to go to the post office again

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Oh, and I also forgot to mention I Did have a couple of things that I wanted to bring up before I get going too far the all-in comedy tour kicked off at Jesus Christ now where the fuck is it? Right here Yeah, there we go. The all things comedy tour kicked off down at Largo Last Monday hosted by yours truly. All right

kicking kicking all my buddies out of the nest here so they can go out on the road and Headline themselves headline their own tour. So you're all in comedy tour starring Rose Bowl tailgate legends Joe Bartnick Jason Lawhead and My good friend Paul Verzi I actually got some great feedback on the tour. They did their first date alone down in San Diego And here's a review. Here's an email I got Dear William, I might be your biggest West Coast fan

I saw you on New Year's Eve and just checked out the all-in show in San Diego last week Wow, those guys were hilarious Joe Jason and Andrew Andrew Thamelis who helps me on the podcast here actually came down for the show We're just as awesome as they were at the Wiltern Joe Bartnick is an animal There's never been a truer thing said he says if that's the way he does comedy I hate to see him drunk Actually, you'd love to see him drunk. Lawhead is a spitfire. He did a great impersonation of the guy from bar rescue By request of the other guys on the show. Oh, by the way, we got a video of that We got some video of that Jason Lawhead does a fuck it hilarious Impression of the bar rescue guy. We're gonna have that up here on the podcast page

And he said I was quoting Andrew Thamelis to my co-workers the next day and now on to Verzi. Holy shit Paul Verzi is hilarious He's the only one of your four horsemen. I've never seen perform. You don't keep any slouches around I highly recommend your podcast listeners. Check out their other shows. I'd be the water boy in this tour, too I was hoping you were actually a guy in the audience in disguise and you were gonna stand up and rip off your fake Mustache and jump up on stage. Thanks for the podcast and go fuck yourself. There's actually a chance Then I might pop in on a show or possibly two on this tour You never know, but just let you know tonight. They're at helium comedy club

Great comedy club in Portland, Oregon Tomorrow Tuesday, they're at the punchline in San Francisco actually Tuesday and Wednesday They're at the punchline in San Francisco and Thursday. They're at the punchline in Sacramento all very all great clubs It's an amazing show. They're all my buddies. I'd love if you had time to go out and support these guys The show starts at 8 p.m. See them all in the same bill. You're gonna get to be able to tell your friends that someday and Oh and also Tom Segura One of my favorite I call them new comedians because I'm an old guy and

Here he's also one of the members here in the all things comedy network He has a new comedy special out his first hour special called completely normal It's available if you want to purchase it on iTunes if you just want to check it out and Get him some views on Netflix. You can obviously check it out on Netflix. All right. I've done one of my mouth here so back to the Back to the tour here I just realized I'm wearing headphones and I can't even hear myself Not the tour back to the the trip up here in France

So yeah, we got here on Wednesday of last week and I got to admit I Haven't seen I haven't really done any touristy shit I Just kind of been sitting in cafes Watching people going by you know eating some great food and Writing a bicycle riding around like a twinkle toes having a good time doing that

Walked along the River Sen if you ever get a chance to do that You're gonna see these stairs that go down. We can get really close to the river. Do not I repeat Do not do that I think that's where everyone in Paris when they can't make it to the bathroom takes a piss Because it literally smells like the Ford Authority down there if you stay up a pie along the road it's incredible and I don't know. We've just been having a great time here. I'm trying to get me to come down here to the podcast She's still sleeping. She's got a little bit of jet lag

I Don't know. You know, I'll hit pause here in a few minutes and I'll actually Go into the other room see if I can get her. I apologize if this is too quiet. We're actually staying in a very quiet building here We rented an apartment here which It's definitely more expensive, but it's kind of you save money By basically, you know, because then you have a kitchen. So what you do is you just go down the road

You know, you walk outside and you're fucking Maybe you learn some French words on food. You go in you go try to have a Try to go buy your groceries all speaking only French I was almost able to do it I fooled that I can always fool them for the first couple of words and they kind of figure it out They slowly start speaking English, but I kind of just stick with the French like I'm trying to learn it At that point I just say I'll say the English word and then try to say the French word And then just say is that how you say it and then they usually correct me or whatever part

Whatever, then you can just bring it back load up your fridge And I can save a ton of cash that way I don't know it's just been amazing it's been amazing I Haven't been able to get up early enough to get a fresh baguette and I will I can tell you that that's something else that I learned here is nothing Nothing goes faster than a fucking baguette in the morning These get these people like that's one of the true stereotypes

Like when you see them walking down the street or riding a bicycle with the baguette These fucking people are into those goddamn things and they try to be the first person in line I mean, dude, they they're gone They're fucking gone by like by the time I get up at like 1130 It's probably the earliest I've been getting up around 10 o'clock 1130 or whatever. They're just fucking gone there's like two or three left and I Don't know so I already forget the name of bakery. I say baked we out here. Ah shit. I don't know but

Neil or no, I keep thinking I learned Words like LeChen and she got no no she in it's like, you know what lift fuck you You know just it's kind of annoying because you know what I actually kind of got pissed a couple times Which she did that to me because I felt like I was back in French class It's like am I ever gonna get this shit down? So anyways as I mentioned we haven't seen The only touristy things that I've seen is I've just stood and looked at him like the Notre Dame I basically

One day this is a great city to get lost in too because you just use the river as your guide um I just kind of go in about five ten 20 blocks Although you can get lost because the river sort of want river sin kind of winds down the middle of it But it's it's been a pretty good way to try to figure out where the hell you're at But like I walked by the notes are done And it was beautiful and everything but I'm not a big religious guy and then I saw

The line of people outside of it and I just laughed like why the fuck I understand if you have kids and you're trying to teach them something But if you're a fucking adult and you're on vacation, there's no reason to ever stand in line You're on vacation. Why would you do that to yourself? You know Like we were sitting there. I was trying to find the arctic triumph And uh, I I couldn't figure out where the fucking thing was And we were on these great moments just wandering around paris and then I saw this beautiful park and I was just like, nia, let's go in there

It's just walking there. She was like, all right So we start walking in and I started to take in the view and I turned around and I looked over my shoulder And I was looking right up these shams de lisée whoever the fuck you say it and Basically at the end of that street is the arctic triumph All the way in the back and I literally got goosebumps because all I've ever seen Of that monument is two video footage one when hitler

when the germans had defeated france and they were driving up that fucking street and then two when England and the americans came in and we helped france get the germans out of that fucking country All of them, you know all the french women and everybody going fucking crazy It really gave me chills and I kept saying that to me. I know I was freaking around There's no way to say hitler drove up this street in an excited way without freaking out the person that you're with

And I had to You know, I'm a I like that history shit. You know what I mean? It's like one of the most evil guys ever Who was well on his way? To taking over the world and possibly You know the height of him taking over the his quest was him driving up that famous street And uh, I don't know. I somebody got fun. I was on the road and and um And canada Somebody got me a uh gave me this book the guns of august

And it's about world war one and it's phenomenal And uh, I knew that france had lost to germany and world war one and world war two initially Both wars, but I didn't realize that in like 1870 they had had another war And germany won that one. Why didn't I bring the book down here? I'll read the quote next week and basically france lost France straight up lost that war It wasn't like world war one world war two where they got occupied and eventually got him out of there

At least I think that's what happened to world war one because I don't know much about that world, but In 1870 they fucking lost and aside from having to give up some land one of the things Part of the the treaty in the end is they had to let the germans drive up that street The chums at easy, right? And not one french person showed up It was just one of the darkest days in their history I mean talk about absolute fucking humiliation, right? so these sons of bitches drove drove up the street and uh

And then they had to pay like like some ridiculous amount of fronks As a punishment. I want to say five billion, but there's no way anybody could afford that back in fucking 1870 it was supposed to take an entire generation for them to pay it back to the germans, which would obviously keep france weak and These motherfuckers so one of these guys off their back. They paid it off in three years I'm gonna go out on the limb and say that nobody ate a baguette for fucking three years here in france and they got the germans off their backs and uh, so and once they did There was this expression over here. I guess according to the book anyways where

Basically that moment in their history when the germans drove up Chums Elise, which I'm sure I'm saying it wrong. Uh, it was basically said, um Yeah, it was Something like to never be spoken of But always thought about Basically never forget that don't bring it up That's how how much it hurt them for that to happen And it was referred to uh, what was it referred to?

I can't remember I can't remember. Ah, I'm the worst. Um Basically, I didn't realize that that it happened. So the fact that fucking Hitler did it again I don't know if it happened again in world war one. I have no fucking idea um I don't know shit about world war one, but it happened again at world war two. So it actually happened again and uh As far as I've gotten into that book the guns of august Basically the fucking reason why

Germany started the first one If the kind of england in france and everybody else they would be in cunts to the germans They just wanted to be acknowledged. They just wanted to be included. So I guess whenever these diplomats would go around europe And they would visit everybody always went to paris Everybody went to fucking paris because paris is the shit All right, and people would go to london I don't know whether maybe they'd go to fucking rome But no one ever went to berlin and I guess they started getting this inferiority complex

Plus there was a couple of treaties going on We're just logistically german felt that they were going to have to fight a war on two fronts And they were going to get fucked. So unless they Made a move first They were going to be in trouble And uh, you know france and england were playing a good, you know, the great game of what we're not going to invade you We're not going to try to you know fucking Take over your shit. Why would we do that? We're france and england. We don't have a record of doing that around the fucking world for centuries

They kind of had an argument I'm not i'm talking about world war one here. I'm not talking about the fucking maniac there of world war two I'm just saying I actually kind of understood like oh, so that's kind that that was their logic I'm not saying it was the right move, but it was that was very interesting So anyways, uh, this is basically what i've been doing here and uh today I'm trying to knock the podcast out uh early Because like I said, we haven't done anything touristy. We walked we walked up

uh The shamzi day with that street for uh To go see the octetrails And um, it was funny the first it was a breathtaking street, but the closer you got to the monument the more I felt like I was in time square You know, there's like a forever 21 And shit like that very disappointing That there was that although I did use a public back bathroom that cost me two euros. That was the cleanest thing I had ever been to Um, but I didn't realize that you know, you can actually go to the top of that monument

I had no idea and I also still have no idea how you actually get to the monument because it's in the middle of a fucking rotary And there are subway stairs on the other side and we went down into the subway and followed the sign and all it did was spit us out On the same side. I couldn't figure it out. And at the end of the day, I have to stand in a fucking line To stand up on something where I can probably get a taller view a higher view at a fucking restaurant at the top of a hotel where there's no line And I can actually look at the monument rather than stand on the monument and look at a fucking hotel It doesn't make any sense You want to stand behind fat fucks and jean shorts then go to a monument and try to go to the top of it

I could tell you that anyways So then finally me and the we're like three four days here said hey, do you want to look at the Eiffel tower now? And she's like, yeah We're both exhausted because that's a long fucking walk Um, oh and by the way the way they have this their city laid out. There's like le louvre Um, they're they're famous museum where the mono Mona Lisa is Which uh, I've yet to go see I'm going to do that today All right, which I don't like the whole setup of it

How you have you have to go in You got to go in to see her because you know because that bitch ain't coming outside. No You got to uh, you got to go in to see the fucking thing. I already know I heard it's really small and uh You know she's got that Ryan Gosling smile I'm gonna go do it just to fucking do it, but um every day you walk by that there's just boss loads Of fucking kids getting dragged there by their french teachers from around the fucking world And you know

I don't know. That's why I'm going there on a monday I figured the weekends are going to be worse. So I'm going to go there and Nia's just like me When it comes to museums, she likes them for a finite period Museums just make me feel dumb. I'm gonna be honest with you I go in there and I try I Tree so nearly said this great bit about

There was some disaster naturally Like giant disaster that happened and they were showing all the sad people and he was talking about how we sat there And he tried so hard to give a fuck Um, which I'm butchering at his delivery of it, of course was perfect but um That's how I feel when I'm when I go into a uh a museum The patrice o'neill bit where I'm trying so hard

to give a fuck I I just don't care about old stuff. I respect it. I would rather hear a scientist I'd rather watch a scientist on television. Tell me why what I'm looking at is so fucking important Rather than going up there and have to read the index card It's not even index card. It's like a fucking notebook paper size thing Of all this shit. That's just just too much shit to know Then I go in there and I'm gonna look at the knickknacks of all the fucking or the brica black

all of of the fucking I it's just it's too much. All right I like going to car museums Stuff like that, you know I can I can I can deal with that So I'm not saying museums are bad. I'm just saying that um, I am not refined enough As a human being to actually appreciate what's going to be in that thing. We'll see I'll talk I'll talk to you about it next week, but um

So anyways, we had gone to uh um the Arctic Trials and then uh I finally go, all right, you want to go see the Eiffel Tower I mean we saw we saw basically a third of it all the way to about a half of it from those parks the amazing views So We were both tired from walking up the street. So we got one of those little bike rickshaw fucking things It was the greatest. So we got jumped in that thing. We're going on the rotary around the fucking arc

and uh Then we're just riding along riding along riding along and then once again Because the front the french know how to make a city you go around this roundabout and then all of a sudden is this All these buildings and then there's just this giant gap And literally I was looking down because I was like videoing as we were riding and I just heard me a gasp And I looked up and there and there it was Like like a fucking tyrannosaurus rex like a giant had just taken a you know Taking a step right toward you

It was unbelievable the greatest tourist attraction I've ever fucking seen And I never I didn't even go up. I never we never went up in it. We just stood there and looked at it Um Essentially from across the river, but it's it's right on the river And it's so goddamn big It was it was incredible and then we just went across the way and we sat in a cafe and just uh Just looked at it

And what's great about the cafes here in france is they I've never been to anything like it all the chairs Are faced out at the street raw off nini I think she just came in All the chairs are just faced out at the street because you just you don't want to miss anything that's going by all these fucking beautiful women All dressed unbelievably

Um, and then you got the Eiffel Tower in the background and we got there Just before dusk and in dusk they turn the lights on Oh, there she is Bonjour madame. Bonjour messieurs Um, come on in Come on in. I I was smart enough this time to not plug my mixer in Right before I stuck it in the wall with the adapter. I saw I saw the the two prong things I'm like, wait, this is what happened to me

The last time. Yeah with my 90 $9 fucking mixer. Well, come on over here near the uh, the microphone Uh, that means okay everybody. She has photos. She's good at it. Um So anyways, I was just telling them What are you talking about? You just cleared your Oh, sorry. See that big blip there. You just clear it right near the microphone. Oh jimmy, excuse um So I was just telling them about taking that rickshaw bike

Over to the uh, the Eiffel Tower And just how they have the city laid out where you don't see it. You don't see it You don't see it and then it's just boom between the two buildings and uh, how he was sitting in that cafe Yeah That drinking wine and I'm smoking my little pretentious cigar cigarette things Um, that's another thing too like everybody fucking smokes over here. It's hilarious. Oh, that's great. There's no There's no surgeon general here whatsoever, but uh, I was mentioning that we're going to go see

The Mona Lisa today and I'm not a big museum person and I've I've kind of been speaking for you on a scale the one to 10 Your your feelings about museums um You know what I would say I'm at a seven All right, so I'm not a full on I'm not a full on 10 because I don't I'm not the kind of person that's like Wants to spend an entire day in a museum I want to go in see the shit that I want to see and then get out because it's exhausting But there are certain things I love I do love museums

But I just don't want to go there and like like when we're in new york and I go to the MoMA I just want to go in see some things and leave. I don't want to spend the day at the MoMA Some people do that and they love it. I can't I can't do that. I literally get sick to my stomach when I hear you say Go to the MoMA What do you mean? It's just like I feel like I'm back in school And it's the class I hate and I have to sit there until the bell rings Do you know when I was a single man in new york?

The amount of time people go oh take a do the museum take a do a museum and it would always be the worst fucking date And it was and I would do it because people say that you know, that's where you take these new york ladies So right And I would take them there like I was culture. I'm not culture and I would go there and I would be bored shitless And then they would feel it like I'm telling like 20 minutes 15 20 minutes Depending on how good looking she was 15 20 minutes in I would be I would just be bored shitless And I would be looking for for a place to buy a hot dog

But the thing is there's certain There'd be certain exhibits at museums that you would like Remember when we went to the car museum? I said I like the car museum. You like that? I like uh, I like there was like a stand-up comedy Exhibit. Yeah, that's not a museum. That's just cool. Shit or like a bunch of cool Uh photographs I could get into right but the uh The the artifacts like when we went to we went to the the fucking thing there I was the guy on the ceiling that shit was just in chapel. You were like

Like walking through there like you were walking through an airport trying to get to your gate You were like walking so fast Barely looking at anything. You were just like I'm just walking through this because I have to because it's the sistine chapel It was one vest emerald one vestment after another this place was beautiful though What are you talking about it? Well, I know we have this hold I can't even believe that you would say that it's not beautiful in there. It was absolutely gorgeous. It was a lot to take in But you're you're like you're like a 13 year old boy. You're like this is boring You know, it did it look like it looked like an italian's living room

You know that hacky joke that they do where they talk about that room That's all covered in plastic that no one can go into. Yeah, that's what it looks like. It's just Ornate I'm gonna use the word ornate, but don't you so fucking over it. It was so gaudy every Look, you know how you love how the Parisians dress where it's basically all dark color all dark color And then like the splash of color with the scarf or the shoes or the hat and everything else is sort of was it was it muted matted neutral whatever the fucking word is That was the exact opposite Yeah, that was the epitome of oh

But look how I got this over here. I know but there's so much time and skill that you know goes into Putting all those frescoes up. It was absolutely incredible though. You got to appreciate that part of it You got to appreciate the artistry that goes into something like the same way I can appreciate an older movie But also realize that the dialogue's a little dated like the the way they decorated it is a little dated Oh, I gotta give what what does that? What do you mean dated? I mean, it's it's rome It's one of like the oldest cities. I love rome. I loved rome I loved everything about it other than that fucking the only fucking museum I went to was that stupid Sistine Chapel and it sucked

When you go there make a right and go go right to this ceiling painting Yeah, and then get the fuck out of here Don't go to the left and see every chalice they ever fucking drank out of for like the next And it wasn't even crowded that day god forbid if it was fucking crowded You're gonna you're gonna I swear to god. You're gonna think about abandoning your family For good if you're if you're wired like me um, so by the way, um I would now say

Haven't been here that uh Paris as far as europe goes. Yes. Paris is like new york city I'd say london Is like a smart chicago I love saying that just to piss off people in chicago And then rome is sort of like a boston philly kind of thing. You know what I really feel like it's a complete Like travesty that you would try to compare these amazing european cities to cities in united states. Oh, give me a No, no, no these cities new york chicago and boston are awesome time out

But like to try to compare them to like europe like that's stupid. Well, most of my listeners to do that Most of my listeners are from the united states america. They need they need a frame of reference No, they don't you don't need to give them some sort of like watered down frame of reference like no Paris is like Paris london's like london and rome is like rome Ah, jesus. Yeah, you're gonna do that person who comes over here and now fucking just says that everything over here is is like It's is paid with gold. No, I'm not saying did you see all those fish and chip eating jackasses in england? I mean you can't tell me that that's not chicago Like the amount of heart attacks on once and I had an awesome time. So I honestly, I don't know that much about

I love chicago I love chicago and I gave london props where I said that it's like a smarter chicago Plus I like insulting chicago. That's what I gotta do. Somebody has to go down in the scenario. Sorry chicago Oh, fuck you. I love chicago and you know me. I'm a moron ever. I thought that's all I've been doing is talking about how dumb I am on this I can't even go to a fucking museum and enjoy myself Um, oh so also out here Oh, you know what you missed yesterday you missed these two, uh, I was gonna say french people go like like what else are they out here? These two french guys. Oh, that's another thing too. Uh

Um Just like in in what I love about traveling just about just like in philly How a cheesesteak is just called the cheesesteak. They don't go. Can I get a philly cheesesteak? They're in philly Just like over here french toast is not french toast Pan Pardoux Yes, the pan padeux. That's what it is. There's no french in it. They are french. They don't need to say it So that's my travel and it's delicious It's wasn't it really good with that costume. Although in boston. It's still a boston cream pie

That's cuz it's boston. Yeah, we're morons Is that where we are? Um, I would have a fucking framing ham Whatever over there. They identify everything in boston just to say that it's boston related. Oh, shut up It's not like we're going from boston. I love my city, but come on boston is if you want to talk about dumb Let's talk about boston. Oh, what are you talking about havid? No god We have harvard boston university. I went to college and asked at MIT. It's a it's a wonderful Mecca of university of people who come from other places

To continue their education in a very, uh, beautiful brisk fall setting. Otherwise, I would I would It's a bunch of friendlies in jackasses as you say I would be I would be offended by that if uh, I didn't fit into that fucking stairs Believe it or not people. I did not get accepted to harvard. I got accepted to wentworth Where's the wet worth was a construction? Uh What it's this is like this is like fucking breakfast club what i'm dumb because I know how to make a lamp No, you're not. No, you're a genius because you know how to make a lamp that's what you're supposed to say And I had no construction skills whatsoever

The reason why I picked it Was because It just looked like it was a fun job because I was working in warehousing And I noticed when you worked with a bunch of other guys and the boss was sort of there but not really there You could just stand around breaking balls all day. So that's why I picked the school, right Okay, I get accepted there and then I also got semi accepted to northeastern like all right We'll let you take we'll let you take a couple of classes I'll see how you do. We'll see how you do and yeah, it was a fucking nightmare. I didn't get accepted

And then I went to I went to neither place I went to I got I got rejected from harvard, of course because I wasn't smart enough my dad went to harvard So I felt like well, let me apply to harvard. I feel like I should have your family Harder to get into harvard, but I didn't and I went to emerson and it was awesome. So and there's my college story And that's my college story We're coming up on an hour here, uh, what do you what are you talking about here? I talked about I talked about everything. Oh, you know something else. I've been trying like every friggin cigar

That you can try out here because their selection is incredible Um, but this is what I have learned Even in paris if you want to buy a cigar go to a cigar store. What's the one that I went to down the street? On ruse, St. Honoré, I don't know. But yeah, you got to go to a specialty place just like with the uh, the boulangerie You go to the boulangerie. That's bakery boulangerie. Yeah to get the croissant and the baguettes And I guess you go to a pâtisserie To get the like little cakes and macaroons and things like that Yeah, because other than that what you you're just gonna get ripped off like it's weird because I they got all these places

It just it was a t-a-b-a-c Tobacco, yeah, you just see those signs and you're like, oh there's Cuban cigars in there and you walk in there But they don't know what the fuck they're doing like I walked in To one yesterday and I I bought two different size like cojivas these smaller ones and real thin ones and um You're supposed to like basically what you do is you squeeze the end of it You're supposed to go in about 50% and then supposed to come back out I like watching you squeeze your imaginary. Yeah

The rest of the cigar regardless of how hard it is it doesn't make a difference It's that right there and that'll give you a good draw But the whole thing was was squishy and I noticed that they seemed almost a little wet They had the fucking humidifier up too high and I'm sitting there smoking it last night It was like, you know, it's like I'm smoking wet leaves. It just and it was a Cuban. It was I had to finish the thing How funny was it when I stuck the q-tip in the end of it to the side? So I get down there again It was still, you know better than any cigar that I usually get in the US

That's like when you're like in college or whatever and you're trying to smoke like the very the smallest part of the joint You use a pair of tweezers To smoke out of it. Well, that was like, yeah, exactly there's a famous story Because I've only heard it once in my life. I'm not gonna say it's famous Castro when he was at the un he actually lit up During the whole meeting of the minds of people around the world and as he's sitting there listening He's smoking a Cuban which I think is a big fuck you to the US Like yeah, you guys wish you could be smoking these and in the end he

What he uses a roach clip with some part of his glasses He stuck it in there and he was holding his glasses like hitting it like a roach at the end. Yeah Dressed like he was on mash Um I got you a croissant from the boulangerie Okay, what flavor plain the butter one. How do you say it be? Okay, let's read a couple of these things here, uh fake sports enthusiasm um

Dear billy balls Between the final four and the super bowl, which one do you think attracts the most fake female sports fans? All just running out the door in whatever color they're rooting for never watched any regular season games Which is it? I say the final four Uh, first of all, I don't think that you got to just say that it's women. Uh, yeah, fuck you Oh, Jesus I'm not saying that because me is here either. Although I might subconsciously because we have to spend the day in the seal Uh

The most fake female sports fans. There's only fake female sports fans. I would say Oh, I would the super bowl is brutal for the fake female sports fan It's fucking brutal because it's brutal for everybody because everyone most people pretend like they give a shit about the super bowl When they don't they just want to watch the goddamn commercials. That's a very that's a very that's a very ignorant point of view What you're doing right now is because you're looking out your own head and saying this is the view of the world It's important thing isn't it you're part a lot of people are you're part you're part of the problem You're the woman who shows up that doesn't give a fuck and talk I don't show up. You know, I don't go to games or any of that kind of shit with you because I usually don't care

No, no, but the super bowl you do show up. You go to a super bowl party. Yeah, you eat the food You talk during the game and you shut up during the commercial and then when the game comes back on you go I like that. How did you think that one cost that one wasn't that good? That is not what I do at all You are lying right now. I don't ever do that. I've never been more embarrassed Since so many super bowl parties with you and I've never done that. I usually dip out During the game or I'm sort of sitting there watching it and not really paying attention on my phone You're over in the corner giggling with your friends during the game. All I hear is I would actually say the super bowl because

The super bowl has become like a national holiday and it's the fact that it is One day it is on the weekend. It's only just for one fucking day and The fact that there's going to be food and all of that stuff for non sports fans to still enjoy Um, and then all the other extra fucking hyping like oh, we need to turn the channel and watch the puppy bowl or whatever the Fuck it is or oh, oh my yeah. Oh my god fucking That's cute. Yeah Fucking Bruno Mars is going to be playing at halftime. He killed it. He did kill. Oh, he's awesome

He killed it. He's awesome. I'm not saying he didn't but I'm just saying better than tom petty um Tom petty, you know when tom petty came out looking like the guy in the nickel Oh that yeah, yeah the blonde Let's dance maybe that guy. Yeah, he looked literally who's the guy in the nickels that thomas jefferson or is that uh of thomas jefferson or uh tom petty Of tom petty. All right girlfriend cheating on her diet Uh, I already don't like this person. Um, why you don't like that delivery?

No, that's actually pretty funny girlfriend cheating dot dot dot on her diet That sounds like a gay guy wrote that on her diet. Um Scandalous Um, I'm 27 years old and have a girlfriend of six years whom I live with when we first got together She had a sexy athletic body that all changed last year when she got promoted and started working long hours in a high stress position Uh, she began smoking weed almost every night claiming it helped her relax after a hard day's work Yeah, man. She also started eating like shit lost lots of fast food larger portions, etc She's probably 60 to 70 pounds heavier than when we first met

And on her five three frame it fucking shows man After ignoring myself that would show on a six foot frame after by after ignoring myself probably 60 to 70 pounds heavier After ignoring my subtle hints for the last year I finally sat her down last month and said enough is enough. She needs to make an effort to get healthier I did everything to support her in losing weight. I paid for an expensive supplement program that her co-workers recommended I started making her healthy lunches every day to take to work when she'd get home from work I'd have a healthy dinner ready for her on the table. I even paid for a new gym membership and bought her a new bicycle Today I found a hidden cache of fast food wrappers in the garage

This led me to believe to look at her bank statements from the last month She's been picking up fast food on her way home from work nearly every day since we talked It sounds like a biggest loser story Not only that she'd also buy fast food at lunches sometimes too suggesting that she was tossing the lunches I made her in the trash This really pissed me off. I'm a guy who takes care of my body and want a woman who does the same She's only 24 and hasn't had children. She shouldn't have a beer gut jowls and saggy tits Uh, you were so in the pocket. You were so in the pocket

Take your computer and throw it out the goddamn window Can you please finish the rest of this so I can go off on this asshole Please just finish it because I swear to fucking god. I swear to god. I think he's making a lot of good points Oh my god The fact that I oh my god. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't don't scream too far too close to the computer I don't I can't use a mixer this week The fact that I spent all this money and effort on her only to have her sabotage it and hide it from me Makes me seriously call our relationship into question

What would you do in my situation? Oh my god, Nia's taking off her shoes. Oh my god. You know what? You know what? We have to be quiet. I know. I know. I know. I you know what you shallow Just bullshit fucking asshole guy who wrote this letter. Let me explain something to you right now You think you care about her health? You don't care about her health You certainly don't care about her state of mind All you care about is whether or not your girlfriend's hot enough What for for you for your friends for society? You don't give a shit. You said yourself. She's got this job She's stressed out and so she's stress eating. That's what a lot of people do

Okay, and you're sitting here. You seem like you were well-intentioned, right? But now it seems like you're just being fucking shallow because you don't care You don't care about anything that's going on inside of her physically or or mentally or emotionally All you care about is what she looks like and now you're mad because she's like hiding it from you And you're calling the question her relationship. You've been with her for six years And you're gonna call into question her relationship how she feels about you because she's going through something emotional Why don't you talk to her about how she feels instead of trying to put a band-aid on the problem and making it seem like you care When you obviously don't give a shit, okay? You're a shallow superficial douche bag

And she should dump your ass and get hot even hotter than wait and she's 20 40 minutes Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Time up time up time up now. How would she go about getting even hotter? By losing 60 to 70 pounds. No, you know what? She could get hotter by finding a guy who's making more money and who's nicer and like a just a better person So she should become a gold digging fat whore No, no, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Now. Listen. Listen. Here's the deal Time out. You're being too hot. I'm gonna tell you right now. You're being just dump. No, no, no, no, no, no You mean she had a better body when she was a teenager than she was when she started to get into like her life

What a surprise time out unbelievable time out happens. Oh my god when people get older and have like grown up responsibilities That's that's really crazy how that happens. Sir. You you you hit you hit the And you've got what I guess six pack and a full head of hair and you're just like the hottest guy ever, right? And that's not going to change for you Maybe in 10 years if you go through something and you're having a hard time and the person that you Are supposedly love and cares about you and has been with you for six years It's just decides to what toss you aside because you gained some weight Fuck you. Wait a minute. Okay time out. Okay. Can I defend this guy a little bit more? Sure

That's what you do. You defend the assholes who write into you. So go ahead Well, yeah, I can't bite the hand of feet No, I'm I'm I'm not defending this guy just to defend this guy. Okay. First of all You're ignoring the fact that this guy He sat down with her in a nice way Okay, in a caring way nia to be five foot three and put on 60 to 70 pounds

You're setting yourself up for heart disease And you're gonna die and this guy and she hasn't even had kids yet Okay, time out time out and she has to go through all of that which you know, nia. Okay, you think that's That's already hard enough is it she's only 24 years old. You should not be 60 to 70 pounds nia 30 pounds overweight is obese This girl is is two times On her way to three times at 24 She's blowing out her body and she's she's never going to be in shape again And she's going to live a miserable fucking life because a very difficult life because she's going to blow out our knees

I'm telling you all of this shit is going to come and this guy He did not sit down and say hey you used to be hot and now you're not he said time out No, he isn't no we have time out time out He sat down with her like an adult and said that basically i'm concerned about you Um, you know, we say I love you. I'm concerned about you. I want to help you get healthier. This guy is making lunches for He's paying for a gym. He's doing all of this stuff and in the end When he's trying to help her out and then she's going behind his her is back

Eating which she's doing it out of a shame thing He felt betrayed and then the anger comes out and then that's when he says beer gut jowls and saggy tits Okay, now this is the thing nia like it's unnecessary for him. So like put it like I understand what you're saying Well, he has to because he can't say that to her and he can't get he has to get his anger out Or he has to make a fucking joke. He has to do something and here this guy's also 27 years old He says he keeps himself in fucking shape, which you know something that's not fair to your partner It's not fair to your partner to go out and put on that kind of weight. Okay, if she's 24 years old though She can't bounce back. It's not like she's 44. She's 24

Okay, like it's it's hard to lose that kind of weight, of course, but she can do it But i'm just saying like i'm not i didn't like i didn't say he's doing all this stuff Where you like do all like the physical stuff, but he seems like he's incapable of being like emotionally supportive What are you talking about? He was he was in the beginning. He was in the beginning He did this what he's doing in the end is he's talking to me guy to guy She's 24 years old hasn't he had kids. She shouldn't have a beer got jowls and saggy tits You know, he's coming out of like a football coach Well, she doesn't need a football coach. She didn't say it to her. He didn't say it to her. He said it to me

Suggesting she was tossing the lunches. I made her in the trash Yeah, who knows if she might have she might have just he's probably eating them both. She's probably eating them both, right What would you do in my situation to help this fucking guy out? He seems like he's keeping himself in shape He's he's actually a great boyfriend if he was a dick He would have said i'm breaking up with you because she had a beer gut and jowls He didn't he tried to help her with the fucking problem guys problem solve. Okay help this guy connect with her emotionally So, I mean look she's got this high stress fucking job, but like at some point

You know, you got to settle into the stress of your job or you have to get a new fucking job But this is what it's doing to you All right And yeah, I got to tell you you get 60 to 70 pounds overweight at 24 fucking years of age What's going to happen at 34 and yeah, that is a legitimate question It's a legitimate question because that weight thing is You know, it starts happening People died Mia

Not to bring up a bad fucking subject But yeah, if you're gonna think about being with somebody for the rest of their life You're gonna have kids with this person. They're already this much overweight. They're not gonna be be there They're not gonna fucking be there All right, fine. Maybe I went too far when I was calling him an asshole and all that kind of stuff I think you went a normal reaction because Yeah, it's it's that last it's that last thing, you know what I mean because you know what you're right Everything that he says he's doing in terms of making healthy meals and buying her bike and the gym membership

That's all well and good and maybe that's this is the part about men and women. That's difficult because yes You guys try to problem solve you don't Try to connect on an emotional level and say like to bury the emotions right and you go to the gym Exactly where like where it sounds like what she needs. She needs to blow off steam and a lot of people do they they eat They drink they smoke weed. They do other drugs. This is how they cope. These are how people cope. That's another thing She starts using fucking uh, uh, I can't you mean alcohol is a drug but now she's no weed and that increases your hunger For most people like like you wouldn't believe so yeah, and you don't want a salad when you're high We want pizza and cheeseburger and nachos. Let me ask you this Mia. Let me ask you this

Let's just say You're dating me all right You know we've been going out for two years I'm in great shape And then all of a sudden the stress of the road I put on 60 to 70 pounds to start smoking weed now. You're gonna tell me that you're not going to entertain breaking up with me You're not going to sit there and be like this is going to be the father of my kids

This is the person i'm going to spend my life with this guy. He was acting like he's in fucking wanes world And uh uncle buck all at the same time You know what I honestly can't say that I would if you all of a sudden that's all you were doing with yourself And whenever you weren't on the road, you were just sitting around smoking weed and you know what it became like shit If I came home imagine my pasty freckled torso with mantits Right my fucking Nable the size of a half dollar now. Yeah smoking weed And just sitting there fucking, you know, that's gonna affect my sex drive. Yeah, I'm getting on top of you

Sweating all over me. Yeah, you got to get on top of me. I look like I'm pregnant. Let me give you a fucking break Right and then you're walking down the street and you're seeing all these other guys go into the gym And I would like and you're in the prime of your fucking life Yeah, and you're going to pick a mate for the rest of your fucking life And i'm already looking like i've worked on wall street the 30 fucking years. You're not going to sit there and have any second thoughts Come on here I mean, I might not be as sexually attracted to you. That's for sure

But I would just tear the band-aid off and just say what you're going to say But I wouldn't be like I need to I that's the other thing that I would approach me. How would you approach me? Listen, this is the problem. This is the problem that I have Especially with this whole letter the fact that I spent all this money and effort on her Only to have her sabotage it and hide it from me makes me seriously call our relationship into question Why does that call your relationship into question? She's being deceptive Yeah, because she's going through some emotional shit, but she's being deceptive about food It's not like she's like cheating on she's like, you know what? I know she is for him to take it to make it to seem like

You know, oh, do you really not love me now? Because you know, you're not following this diet that we agree that you would fall like that's not That's not a fair comparison to make on somebody like that's not it's really not fair to do that No, it's is it fair to do what she's going? Well, it's she's not doing it against like against him And as a way to hurt him. I know she isn't so you can't so you can't say is it fair for her to be doing that to him You know something this is not what I say, but this is this classic fucking female thing We you guys are right when you're right and you're right when you're wrong like you're acting like

You think she's doing this to hurt him Well, why can't she be a little more mature and just we just say like listen Why can't she sit down with him? And just level with him and let him know just say listen. I gotta be honest with you I know that you care about me. I know that you sat down and you had this this conversation with me And I know that I said I was gonna do this and this and this but I'm actually doing that and I'm actually you know Not going to the gym And I feel bad that you're wasting your money and all that and you're taking all this time to make a lunch

Every morning. How loving is that that he's doing that? She should she should do that. Yeah, all right then She's not a hundred percent free of guilt The thing about it is Nia is that guys are guys and we talk like guys and guys Just get to the fucking heart of the matter I don't like the fact what he said he looked at our bank statements From last month you've been picking up fast food on our way home for like nearly every day I gotta tell you Nia that's a check thing to do. Go through somebody's email and snoop. He snooped. It is it's snoop And now you're not now you don't like that. Now what if a woman did you probably would like that? No, I don't

She she had a hunch. No, I don't like because that's what I have friends who checked And I don't I don't think it's smart to do I think it's ridiculous and also it's like don't look because you More than likely you're gonna see something that you don't want. Well, I'll be checking your emails later on today I have nothing to hide. All right. So all my all right. So what what should he do in this situation? Well, first of all, I should probably apologize for saying fuck you and calling you an asshole Um, but yeah, you should just have sit down and have a talk with her and just say I'm concerned about you And what's what's going on with you emotionally like tell me what's going on

How does he deal with? Maybe we can like go for a walk after work and you can tell me about your day When he brings up When he brings up the fact that he snooped and looked at her bank statements. He does not need to do that Well, let's just let's just say he does Because at this point now his girlfriend because she's gonna freak out and she can get a lot of weight behind those punches now It's such a dick um

No, you should just say um I'm worried about you because I feel like you're going through some stuff and I tried to help you But maybe it's not enough. Do you want to talk to me? Do you want to talk to somebody else? How do you how are you feeling? Because she probably feels shitty about her. So she probably feels terrible about herself She's gained that much weight. None of her clothes fit anymore. She knows how she looks She probably feels absolutely terrible and her one solid way is that she's got this boyfriend who's home And he cares about her and he loves her and she's abusive That's not you don't throw that word around

That's a strong word. She's don't don't do that. She's taking advantage of him. She's taking advantage of her. She's taking advantage of their love She's not you're making it. That's what I don't That's what I'm trying to get you to understand. She's not trying to hurt him by doing this. She's hurting herself. You don't know her You don't know her. I and you don't know him Exactly. So why are you right and I'm wrong? I'm not I'm not saying I'm right. I'm giving you my opinion. Isn't that why I'm here You really have a beautiful profile. You know that Don't try to throw me off. I appreciate that but don't try to throw me off. All right That was a legitimate thought but I was trying to throw you out

No, listen if um I just said if you if you gain 60 to 70 pounds, it would be very hard for me. Go back what we were just talking about We were saying no no she probably feels bad for herself. She probably felt about hey, here's something. What if she doesn't? What if she doesn't give a fuck there's there are those people How do you know there aren't those people just don't give a fuck because she's a woman and she's five three And she's put on more than like 10 pounds, which is it's just devastating for us I'm five four and I have been what about 25 pounds heavier. I understand still look good though You liked me when I was a little bit heavier. Yeah, I don't say I don't like you liked it when I was a little bit thicker

So listen, I understand it does show it shows like nobody's business. You are right So it it shows Um, and it does suck to have your formally tight Hot body girlfriend all of a sudden not be that way. I know and I got it If she looks like she's a retired athlete in her fifties at 24 I mean, what is he supposed to do? He is 27 So what so he is still at that shallow age where he's like, you know calling into question his relationship based on your partner's weight gain No, that's that's the level of maturity and he's uh, yeah, that's yeah, listen

That's a very serious fucking thing To be that that overweight at that age. I mean if you do that to your body and you stay that way for 20 years I mean, it's You your body can only take that for so long and when you're thinking about starting a family with somebody They have to be around they got to be involved They can't be over in the corner You know with no energy lethargic and and and and then having on top of that all kinds of fucking health That's another thing too. Yeah, you're not gonna be able to get fucking health insurance

I mean what she's doing is really is effective both and I'm not trying to be a dick here But like they're not even engaged though. This is just his girlfriend. That's how you get into lose weight. You should propose She'll lose weight with the quickness. Trust me. I know Yeah, but then once they get married, she's gonna go right back to Doritos Um, well, then that just that just means that there is a A significant emotional thing that needs to be addressed So all that stuff that you did while you got her um, this great bike and a gym membership and all that stuff to support First of all, that should that should tell you that a person is only going to change their lifestyle if they want to

Number one, that's the first lesson. That's with drugs or food or anything number two That that means you need to go deeper than just the kind of like these are the things I got the answer right here either talking or you're suggesting therapy Or you go to therapy to talk to talk about it or something She probably needs to if she's got like some sort of like eating I have the answer food addiction or something I got the answer. She's probably just fucking depressed and when you're depressed you smoke weed and you gain weight like she's depressed He needs stressed out. He needs to sit down

and decide If it's worth it If this is does he love this person enough to ride through this fucking store if if If you're not if you don't feel that way then you should just walk Okay, and then

Breaking her heart Is better than marrying her when you don't love her So just break her heart the stress of that and the sadness of that she won't even be able to eat that big king every day And she'll probably drop like 15. Is he is he stopped loving her? Because if that's the case then He's calling their relationship into question. So I don't I don't I don't know Why because he's being honest. Why can't you fucking be honest? Why can't guys be these the Who we are we we are visually you know what I love about

Women is you you fucking want to use that shit Where visually attractive gets you a fucking drink Or get you get you out of some shit. What do you mean? Like that doesn't fucking work You want to use it when it works for you and then you want it you want to use that weakness When it's to your fucking advantage and then when it's the other way you want us to be these fucking understanding goddamn people You want us to be guys when it gets you a free fucking drink We want we want guys to love us whether we're like the hot body or we gain some weight. That's what we want

We want to not you want your cake and eat it literally. No, we want We want to not be we want to live in a world where we don't have to even fucking have this conversation That's what we want. Yeah, I want to be rude and fat And Actually do whatever I want to do and I want you to still rude and fat and Disgusting and ridiculous and you get to do that But women can't do that as you want to rub me. I'm rude. We have to be like the hot body. Otherwise you call our relationship into question Oh, so this one guy is everybody now

He's not everybody, but we're just we're talking about just a general You're so you just you just said women like to do this and women like to do that like it's all women That's what I do. That's what I do. Yeah, but I'm a moron. You're supposed to be a higher being you're a female We are higher beings. You're not. Trust us. You're not. You're just as dumb as we are just in different areas No, you don't think so. No being a being an emotional person makes you tuned into things that you As a male with your basic fucking And Can't understand so we already are high and we can like carry children

We've got some spiritual level shit that you'll never understand exactly and you know, we also have We have some plow through some shit that you don't understand That you don't understand. Don't you think you need plow through some shit and I finish a fucking thought No, can you have can you be a plow through shit and an emotional you need both of those things? Don't you think yeah, it's called the yin and the yang but for some reason you think your yang is better than my yin And that's the fucking problem and this 50,000 shows on fucking tv as much as you ladies complain about the images on tv There's a zillion fucking things on tv that are telling you that you guys are right and guys are morons start with 90% of the fucking advertising when they show a man and a fucking woman in a relationship like that

ridiculous one from a few years ago that i'll never fucking Believe that they were actually where she's sitting at the computer and the guy's outside Finds a beehive and literally sticks a broom handle up into the fucking thing And is getting stung by bees because he's a dumb guy and she has to sit down and handle the family business at the fucking computer Okay, please do the female the chauvinistic version of that fucking commercial What do you mean do the chauvinistic version of that when the when the women's guy Have the guy figuring out the family business on a fucking computer as she's sitting there looking through a fashion magazine or

That's not even at the same level of ridiculousness. What is the female version of sticking a broom handle into a fucking beehive? They're assuming that the woman is is taking care of like the day-to-day run the household stuff that the man is And he's trying to be working to figure out So they're trying to so they're trying to appeal to a woman's sensibility so they show like the product And then she'll buy that and what about that's all like what about the metaphor? No, it is not like what about the metaphor that's going on there that he's such a moron He's trying to stick his fucking pole into any goddamn holy confined That's not knowing not knowing he can get stung in anymore. Yeah, I was him getting herpes

Uh, dear billy bounce. What music are you listening to these days? What's on your iPod? What's the lovely nea listening to what do you listen to when you work out? That shizzled me Marvin body It's as old as Lee Marvin's body What am I listening to these days? I don't fucking know Well, then I usually listen to shit that makes me want to play drums Or learn some drum shit. So I I have no idea What's last night when we actually watched?

We were watching Comedy Central because we were we were uh their website. We were jet lagged Yeah, and when I watched Key and Peele and I watched the workaholics And uh broad city When I watched all that did was make me feel fucking old It made me feel fucking old like uh, I mean, no, let me go back a second. They're all fucking hilarious Like I was legitimately left left through all of that, right? Yeah, okay, but I didn't get I didn't get so much of the shit Not gonna get it. Like what was that thing?

That handlebars thing that he said I didn't even get it. Oh, yeah, he was talking about childish gambino donald blover It was his interview with nerve.com that handlebars did it was like we asked and handlebars for sex advice And in the end they were asking him if he would want to do like a mixtape and if he wraps this and that he's like Yeah, I thought about it, but I'm not gonna you know go full like childish gambino and this none the other And then he made a reference to like, you know, oh, we figured out like childish gambino is really like bill burr And that's that's that or like when he does stand up And you just could not understand. I was like no matter how many times I tried to explain to you He's making fun of me. Is that is that a compliment?

I knew he wasn't that donald blover Is also childish gambino. You just didn't you didn't seem to in the whole time I heard donald blover. All I was picturing was danny No, and it's donald blover. Yeah. Oh my god. And then the crawl show. Jesus Christ. Oh my god. Everything on the crawl show Hilarious. I mean god, what am I listening to since they were asking me is the lovely neah listening to I actually downloaded sam smith's album Um based on his performance when louis ck did s and l actually it was Another recent appearance that louis did it wasn't the first time around

So sam smith is awesome. Just has a beautiful voice. I've actually been Making a lot of mixes of like old stuff a lot of old hip-hop. I've been listening to a lot like 90s What makes hip-hop hip-hop? Um, but I love I love um, what's the like the latest? Like maybe um pusher tea's album Is like is something that I listen to a lot I have no idea what I I've played it for you You liked a couple of his his verses, but

Overall, I don't think you were into it because you're not really into Hip like rap music right now Right, would you say I you know, I I I can't get I can't listen to if you're gonna fucking walk around your house or your apartment Talking about all the stuff that you have in there. It's just boring as shit to me Um, I like storytellers. I will never like those those guys that tell stories you know

About guns and selling drugs if it's actually real It sounds real like they actually did that's why I love jay-z and biggie because they actually did that shit And then they talked about it and it was like nauseous like that. It was like listening to a movie. Yeah nauseous like that I like that stuff You know, but you don't like you don't like I don't kind of west is so far up his own ass It's just like that is true. Yeah, I never like who walks around calling himself a genius Who does that? I mean this like right there. You're not a genius You're an idiot

Like I don't and I don't understand what I hate when he also stretches out the words It's like, what are you trying to dumb it down for me? You either don't have enough material for this fucking song to finish it It's a style. It's like, uh, you know, what do you call it? Is that your Kanye West impression whatever that that fucking that one that I listened to because I like Oh my god Talk about being apropos. Hmm. It's I believe it's called n words in paris Yes, um n words in paris Uh, yeah, there's a part in the middle where he stretches out

Like jay-z kills it and then he comes on and he starts taking we get married at the mall Oh And it just keeps going and going and going like and I just feel like me while you deserve to have it Yeah, and it stinks. It's not clever and he's slowing it down. Like I'm supposed to be on the other end. Like, oh Well, whatever I'm sure a zillion Kanye fans can't be wrong. The man is a genius. Saint Vincent is another one that I'm listening to

I guess the most contemporary thing I've listened to in the past couple years is probably mute math And that's only because Andrew who does the podcast told me to check them out because they draw this fucking awesome Andrew them let's his wonderful taste in music. Can we just say that? All right, we've got to wrap this up because we got to go look at that arrogant broad down Oh before I end I got to uh, just unbelievable sad day in comedy yesterday the great john panett Uh passed away and I got to you. I got to you a great john panett story. He was just An unbelievable guy. I only I only got to meet him a handful of time But he's one of those guys you met him the first time so you knew him, you know, I cliche like you knew him forever

First time I ever saw him. I had already all I had heard was the legend of john panett where basically He started doing comedy and like within six months was headlining Because he had he didn't have the material yet because he'd only been doing it six months But his charisma and how hard he was killing and he was just such a natural That Where in boston where it was just such it was like headlining was so solidified Like you like we always said by the time we came around you had to leave boston to headline boston

Because the the boston comedy gods weren't leaving and you weren't going to get funnier than them So you had to go out and get tv credits to just do a headlining set at the fucking comedy ball But john panett was so funny. He plowed through all of that In six months. So the first time I see the guy after hearing the legend of the guy. I'm at nix comedy star On kevin nox's show And this was after the stand-up boom ended the 80s ended in the early 90s when I started out So and they didn't learn how to promote a club because they never had to because people just went to comedy clubs So now for the first time ever they had to learn how to promote and they were still learning

So long story short, it was a tuesday night at nix. There was maybe 28 people in the crowd and john panett comes in And just says hey, can I get up and do some time and they put him on and I watched him and he did 12 minutes And he made those 28 people It sounded like a fucking jet was landing. He had them dying laughing and he got a standing ovation Like he had done like a 90 minute blistering set just doing 12 minutes Just it was one of those things. I had never seen anybody get a standing ovation

But I knew at the end they were gonna stand up and I remember he just he just went on He just kind of like sit down sit down. I just remember going like what the fuck was that? and Fortunately, I never had to try to follow him. I did one show with him. Um I can't remember where the hell we were it was me him kathleen madigan was just a fucking great Line up the people and like he closed it and jesus christ He was one of those guys that he was in that sad boston style It's like I got you and i'm not letting you go and i'm not letting you get up and like nobody

Was the epitome of that more than them. So gonna miss you buddy, and that's it. That's the podcast for this week And don't take any shit. Don't fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week monolisa Now at proxymus the perfect deals with a samsung galaxy a 54 for 9 euro by mobile Abonnement and bluetooth oortjes cadeau 9 euro for the new galaxy a 54 that had to be seen on coming Hey, let's say the first time you need. Oh wait. I got the oortjes in Info and forward on proxymus.be proxymus Think possible