Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-7-14
Episode Date: April 7, 2014Bill rambles about Paris, electricity and debates weight with the lovely Nia....
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Q&A in Rampen
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday
April fucking 7th
What's going on? How are you? I apologize for the
The bad sound on the recording
I am right now. I am overseas. I am in gay patty. I don't mean that in a homophobic way
It's just what they call it. I think gay still means happy over here
It used to mean happy and the United States of America before gay people stole that word
You know and then started telling people how they can use it how they can't use it
Doesn't make any sense to me. You don't know their word
Anyways, I
Mean how come stupid, you know, how come dope and stupid could actually mean something good, right?
But you gay can't mean that's lame. I guess because it's it's
Coming from gay meaning
Same sex. I don't know. I've never understood it. I
Can say like, you know that that fucking band is dead gay
Meaning lame and still not care of gay people get married
Like why why does everybody have to be a fucking parent right now and just say what you can say and what you can't say
It doesn't make a difference. What the fuck you say. It's what's in your fucking heart
Right. All you're doing is you just given a roadmap
For psychos on how to get through the minefield without showing their hand, you know
And that's how you end up with another Hitler
I'm joking. Maybe a Mussolini though
I'm sorry. I'm gonna try not to move the computer here. The reason why I'm recording this way is because I
Finally figured it out after two times being over here or overseas
I think I was in Australia one time and I blown out my fucking mixer
mixer
What I figured out over here for you people my countrymen in the States
Do not plug anything with two only two prongs
Into a fucking wall over here. My experience is it it either blows out the plug
That's the best case scenario or it's just completely
Damages and fucks over
Whatever device you were trying to put in I've lost two mixers. I
Tried to plug my iPhone in and I'm saying this is with an adapter, too
I didn't just stick it in a wall. I actually used an adapter and I
I did that with my
My iPhone charger for the 4s and think fucking blew up
I should have known because I was charging it earlier and it was working fine
And when I pulled it out of the wall, it was really hot now. I don't understand electricity to me. It's still magic
And you somehow trapped lightning and put it in the wall
That's what electricity is to me it's lightning
you know
Because my only education about it was when old fatso
With his male pattern baldness and his fucking that glasses flew the kite down there in Philly
You know
And he went out there and he was all hammered
Because he was making excuses for his alcoholism
Isn't that what he did? He said yeah beer is
Proof that God loves us
Yeah, what a filthy old man he must have been
Coming down the street with his giant mug
I bet Ben Franklin was the first one to have like a personalized mug at a bar or something
Like the first norm from Cheers as he comes stumbling in his stupid slurring witty systems
Witty systems witticisms. How the fuck you say it? I don't know
Anyways, so yeah, I'm over here on vacation
I finally took a vacation. I've always wanted to come here and why the fuck not right?
What else am I gonna do? Huh?
Go to fucking Santa Fe
No, I've always wanted to come here and it has been absolutely incredible and I did not brush up on my French whatsoever
I mean
There wasn't really anything to brush up on I like how I just said that as if I was at one point
Semi-fluent in the language. I wasn't I will tell you that I took it from 6th grade
to
12th grade and I never progressed past French one and
Actually, I did I got the French to a and I did so poorly my dad suggested
Why don't you go back to French one and start over again and get the basics?
And I was like alright that sounds like a good idea and in theory it was a good idea
Because I still had my junior and senior years to get through French to
Have my two years of a language
You know
Because that was a big thing when I went to when I went to high school
You have to have two years of a language if you don't have two years of a language
You're not going to be able to get into any college with anything in the United States of America
Course turned out to be complete horseship
All you have to do if you fuck up in high school is go to any college that you want to go to and just say listen
Can I just start taking courses to prove that I can exist at this academic level?
And then the head is they just think yeah, we'll take your money stupid. We'll take it go ahead pay for a couple of classes
Flunk out. We got your money. You dumb fuck, but if you actually hang in there
Eventually they have to accept you. That's the other way to get into a big school
You know
They personally I think what you should really do if you want to save some fucking money and you weren't born
The daddy war bucks I
Ain't off that's the right reference. I've never seen Annie. I thought the whole thing was offensive
I didn't like how Annie looked exactly how I looked when I was a child in the 70s and that they then made her a woman
I took it as a personal attack, but that's a whole other fucking story
Anyways, if you weren't born into a rich family what you really want to do is go to a
Go to a community college for your first two years
What's that like 700 bucks a year or a semester whatever the fuck it is
You knock that out. There's half your fucking college education bang bang boom
You haven't you haven't had to pay shit and then you get then then you transfer to a bigger school
In the better school and then you only have to pay two years and you know at the end of it
You got the same degree hanging on the fucking walls the other jerk off
But anyways
Anyways met no
Back to being here in France. So what I've been doing is I've been going on to this duo lingo
Website and I gotta tell you it's been phenomenal and I've been over here in Paris having conversations
You know basic conversations in French with these Parisians who I told were unbelievably rude and
To just speak English to them because they hate when you try and speak French
And they'll roll their eyes and you'll try to talk to them in English and they'll either stomp away
Or they'll just speak to you in English condescending condescending condescending all of that shit. I have to tell you my experience
Nothing could be further from the truth
These people have been ridiculously polite
they're really fucking nice and
If you're making an effort to speak their language, they're actually cool with it if you just sit there and you're like
Blah blah blah blah blah whatever you go. Do I say that right and they'll laugh and they'll they'll just kind of
Help you along with it. That's what I find. I found a couple of impatient people, but you know what the fuck
I
Don't know I think it kind of goes back to that that same thing like with New Yorkers
I always heard New Yorkers were rude and pushy and when I moved there I didn't find that I found her to be really friendly
so either
People are making up shit or I'm fucked up one or the other. It's probably a little bit of both
Well, I've been here for about five days and I can't say enough about the people man. I think they're great and
the lovely Mia
She's unbelievable when it comes to speaking other languages. She just like I
Swear to God I was telling her the other day like she could be like a spy
Because she'll sit there and she'll start speaking in French and her French is so good that they just roll with it here
And then they start saying shit and I know Mia doesn't know what they're talking about
But she doesn't portray that on her face. She just sits in the pocket and she watches their
body language and their mannerisms and
She picks up on what they're saying and then she responds to it with the French that she knows
Or if she doesn't she gives them a smile and then asks them in English is that what you're talking about and they absolutely
fucking love her
Me on the other hand, I've been able to get to I
Had one cab ride that was entirely in French
Which like made my whole fucking trip I
Figured this is how you learn the language if you ever lived over here
How to get you know have a cab ride in ordering food seems to be the way to go the first time
So I've been trying to learn all these different
You know words for food in that type of shit over here, but it's been
It's been tremendous. I've always wanted to come here and I got to tell you
the limited amount of places that I've been to over here or
Around the world I should say this is the
Visually the most unbelievable city I've ever been to I
Mean
These sons of bitches knew what they were doing when they were laying this thing out. It's incredible
Absolutely incredible like I've been to like I
Think three parks here
Or two
Two giant parks here that could fuck with Central Park
Well, and then I was big as Central Park. They have another one. That's as big as Central Park
I haven't been to that one yet. You know, it's funny as I looked it up on the internet and I guess at night
That's where the hookers are
And you know what I gotta tell you their hookers are pretty fucking gorgeous
That's another thing too best-looking fucking women as far as a country
I've ever gone to and that includes I
Mean this just might be personal taste this includes Sweden and Norway where the women were drop dead gorgeous and
Iceland too like
The French women are fucking unbelievable plus they're speaking French, you know
Who the hell doesn't like a gorgeous woman speaking French, you know, I don't maybe you don't this is just all my own
personal opinions here, but
Anyways, these other two parks that
I've gone to
The way that they do it. It's like you walk into the park and
It's sort of you're covered like
this
Trees all around you and that's beautiful enough with park benches and all that
And then you basically walk I don't know how far I don't know how many meters how many yet
But you get all the way in
Whatever about four or five football fields and once you get in all of a sudden it just comes to this
like giant open area and then you have these 365 degree views of
like museums
Old governmental buildings or like the Eiffel Tower all of a sudden will just be
There like a like a goddamn mountain in the distance. It's
Um
Literally breathtaking, you know, and I know you guys gonna trash me for saying that but I swear to God, it's uh
It's I can't say enough about it and
If I was ever gonna live I think somewhere else
I mean first of all, I always wanted to speak another language and also this this place is incredible and
I've only seen a little bit of it and I'll tell you about it after after these messages here
I got to do a little bit of advertising here. I apologize for the click and sound if this is like extra loud, but like I said
my fucking mixer only has
Only has the two prongs and I'm not sticking that in the wall because you know, I buy like 90 dollar mixers
So that's another thing too about your devices over here
If you got something that cost you about a hundred bucks
It's some sort of elect piece of electronic do not plug it into the fucking wall with or without an event
Well without an adapter, it's probably gonna blow up
As opposed to just getting shorted out the other way, okay, here we go
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All right back to the podcast here
Oh, and I also forgot to mention I
Did have a couple of things that I wanted to bring up before I get going too far
the all-in comedy tour
kicked off at
Jesus Christ now where the fuck is it?
Right here
Yeah, there we go. The all things comedy tour kicked off down at Largo
Last Monday hosted by yours truly. All right
kicking kicking all my buddies out of the nest here so they can go out on the road and
Headline themselves headline their own tour. So you're all in comedy tour starring
Rose Bowl tailgate legends Joe Bartnick
Jason Lawhead and
My good friend Paul Verzi
I actually got some great feedback on the tour. They did their first date alone down in San Diego
And here's a review. Here's an email I got
Dear William, I might be your biggest West Coast fan
I saw you on New Year's Eve and just checked out the all-in show in San Diego last week
Wow, those guys were hilarious Joe Jason and Andrew Andrew Thamelis who helps me on the podcast here actually came down for the show
We're just as awesome as they were at the Wiltern Joe Bartnick is an animal
There's never been a truer thing said he says if that's the way he does comedy I hate to see him drunk
Actually, you'd love to see him drunk. Lawhead is a spitfire. He did a great impersonation of the guy from bar rescue
By request of the other guys on the show. Oh, by the way, we got a video of that
We got some video of that Jason Lawhead does a fuck it hilarious
Impression of the bar rescue guy. We're gonna have that up here on the podcast page
And he said I was quoting Andrew
Thamelis to my co-workers the next day and now on to Verzi. Holy shit Paul Verzi is hilarious
He's the only one of your four horsemen. I've never seen perform. You don't keep any slouches around
I highly recommend your podcast listeners. Check out their other shows. I'd be the water boy in this tour, too
I was hoping you were actually a guy in the audience in disguise and you were gonna stand up and rip off your fake
Mustache and jump up on stage. Thanks for the podcast and go fuck yourself. There's actually a chance
Then I might pop in on a show or possibly two on this tour
You never know, but just let you know tonight. They're at helium comedy club
Great comedy club in Portland, Oregon
Tomorrow Tuesday, they're at the punchline in San Francisco actually Tuesday and Wednesday
They're at the punchline in San Francisco and Thursday. They're at the punchline in Sacramento all very all great clubs
It's an amazing show. They're all my buddies. I'd love if you had time to go out and support these guys
The show starts at 8 p.m.
See them all in the same bill. You're gonna get to be able to tell your friends that someday and
Oh and also Tom Segura
One of my favorite I call them new comedians because I'm an old guy and
Here he's also one of the members here in the all things comedy network
He has a new comedy special out his first hour special called completely normal
It's available if you want to purchase it on iTunes if you just want to check it out and
Get him some views on Netflix. You can obviously check it out on Netflix. All right. I've done one of my mouth here
so back to the
Back to the tour here
I just realized I'm wearing headphones and I can't even hear myself
Not the tour back to the the trip up here in France
So yeah, we got here on
Wednesday of last week and I got to admit I
Haven't seen I haven't really done any touristy shit
I
Just kind of been sitting in cafes
Watching people going by
you know eating some great food and
Writing a bicycle riding around like a twinkle toes having a good time doing that
Walked along the River Sen if you ever get a chance to do that
You're gonna see these stairs that go down. We can get really close to the river. Do not I repeat
Do not do that
I think that's where everyone in Paris when they can't make it to the bathroom takes a piss
Because it literally smells like the Ford Authority down there if you stay up a pie along the road
it's incredible and
I don't know. We've just been having a great time here. I'm trying to get me to come down here to the podcast
She's still sleeping. She's got a little bit of jet lag
I
Don't know. You know, I'll hit pause here in a few minutes and I'll actually
Go into the other room see if I can get her. I apologize if this is too quiet. We're actually staying in a very quiet
building here
We rented an apartment here
which
It's definitely more expensive, but it's kind of you save money
By basically, you know, because then you have a kitchen. So what you do is you just go down the road
You know, you walk outside and you're fucking
Maybe you learn some French words on food. You go in you go try to have a
Try to go buy your groceries all speaking only French
I was almost able to do it
I fooled that I can always fool them for the first couple of words and they kind of figure it out
They slowly start speaking English, but I kind of just stick with the French like I'm trying to learn it
At that point I just say I'll say the English word and then try to say the French word
And then just say is that how you say it and then they usually correct me or whatever part
Whatever, then you can just bring it back load up your fridge
And I can save a ton of cash that way
I don't know it's just been amazing it's been amazing I
Haven't been able to get up early enough to get a fresh baguette and
I will I can tell you that that's something else that I learned here is
nothing
Nothing goes faster than a fucking baguette in the morning
These get these people like that's one of the true stereotypes
Like when you see them walking down the street or riding a bicycle with the baguette
These fucking people are into those goddamn things and they try to be the first person in line
I mean, dude, they they're gone
They're fucking gone by like by the time I get up at like 1130
It's probably the earliest I've been getting up around 10 o'clock 1130 or whatever. They're just fucking gone
there's like two or three left and
I
Don't know so I already forget the name of bakery. I say baked we out here. Ah shit. I don't know but
Neil or no, I keep thinking I learned
Words like LeChen and she got no no she in it's like, you know what lift fuck you
You know just it's kind of annoying because you know what I actually kind of got pissed a couple times
Which she did that to me because I felt like I was back in French class
It's like am I ever gonna get this shit down?
So anyways as I mentioned we haven't seen
The only touristy things that I've seen is I've just stood and looked at him like the Notre Dame
I basically
One day this is a great city to get lost in too because you just use the river as your guide
um
I just kind of go in about five ten
20 blocks
Although you can get lost because the river sort of want river sin kind of winds down the middle of it
But it's it's been a pretty good way to try to figure out where the hell you're at
But like I walked by the notes are done
And it was beautiful and everything but I'm not a big religious guy and then I saw
The line of people outside of it and I just laughed like why the fuck
I understand if you have kids and you're trying to teach them something
But if you're a fucking adult and you're on vacation, there's no reason to ever stand in line
You're on vacation. Why would you do that to yourself?
You know
Like we were sitting there. I was trying to find the arctic triumph
And uh, I I couldn't figure out where the fucking thing was
And we were on these great moments just wandering around paris and then I saw this beautiful park and I was just like, nia, let's go in there
It's just walking there. She was like, all right
So we start walking in and I started to take in the view and I turned around and I looked over my shoulder
And I was looking right up these shams de lisée whoever the fuck you say it and
Basically at the end of that street is the arctic triumph
All the way in the back and I literally got goosebumps
because all I've ever seen
Of that monument is two video footage
one when hitler
when the germans
had defeated france and they were driving up that fucking street
and then two when
England and the americans came in and we
helped france get the germans out of that fucking country
All of them, you know all the french women and everybody going fucking crazy
It really gave me chills and I kept saying that to me. I know I was freaking around
There's no way to say hitler drove up this street in an excited way without freaking out the person that you're with
And I had to
You know, I'm a I like that history shit. You know what I mean? It's like one of the most evil guys ever
Who was well on his way?
To taking over the world and possibly
You know the height of him taking over the his quest was him driving up that famous street
And uh, I don't know. I somebody got fun. I was on the road and and um
And canada
Somebody got me a uh gave me this book the guns of august
And it's about world war one and it's phenomenal
And uh, I knew that france had lost to germany and world war one and world war two initially
Both wars, but I didn't realize that in like 1870 they had had another war
And germany won that one. Why didn't I bring the book down here? I'll read the quote next week
and basically
france lost
France straight up lost that war
It wasn't like world war one world war two where they got occupied and eventually got him out of there
At least I think that's what happened to world war one because I don't know much about that world, but
In 1870 they fucking lost and aside from having to give up some land one of the things
Part of the the treaty in the end is they had to let the germans drive up that street
The chums at easy, right?
And not one french person showed up
It was just one of the darkest days in their history
I mean talk about absolute fucking humiliation, right?
so these sons of bitches drove drove up the street and uh
And then they had to pay like like some ridiculous amount of fronks
As a punishment. I want to say five billion, but there's no way anybody could afford that back in fucking 1870
it was supposed to take an entire generation for them to pay it back to the germans, which would obviously keep france weak and
These motherfuckers so one of these guys off their back. They paid it off in three years
I'm gonna go out on the limb and say that nobody ate a baguette for fucking three years here in france
and they got the germans off their backs
and uh, so and once they did
There was this expression over here. I guess according to the book anyways where
Basically that moment in their history when the germans drove up
Chums Elise, which I'm sure I'm saying it wrong. Uh, it was basically said, um
Yeah, it was
Something like to never be spoken of
But always thought about
Basically never forget that don't bring it up
That's how how much it hurt them for that to happen
And it was referred to uh, what was it referred to?
I can't remember I can't remember. Ah, I'm the worst. Um
Basically, I didn't realize that that it happened. So the fact that fucking Hitler did it again
I don't know if it happened again in world war one. I have no fucking idea
um
I don't know shit about world war one, but it happened again at world war two. So it actually happened again
and uh
As far as I've gotten into that book the guns of august
Basically the fucking reason why
Germany started the first one
If the kind of england in france and everybody else they would be in cunts to the germans
They just wanted to be acknowledged. They just wanted to be included. So I guess whenever these diplomats would go around europe
And they would visit everybody always went to paris
Everybody went to fucking paris because paris is the shit
All right, and people would go to london
I don't know whether maybe they'd go to fucking rome
But no one ever went to berlin and I guess they started getting this inferiority complex
Plus there was a couple of treaties going on
We're just logistically german felt that they were going to have to fight a war on two fronts
And they were going to get fucked. So unless they
Made a move first
They were going to be in trouble
And uh, you know france and england were playing a good, you know, the great game of what we're not going to invade you
We're not going to try to you know fucking
Take over your shit. Why would we do that? We're france and england. We don't have a record of doing that around the fucking world for centuries
They kind of had an argument
I'm not i'm talking about world war one here. I'm not talking about the fucking maniac there of world war two
I'm just saying I actually kind of understood like oh, so that's kind that that was their logic
I'm not saying it was the right move, but it was that was very interesting
So anyways, uh, this is basically what i've been doing here and uh today
I'm trying to knock the podcast out
uh early
Because like I said, we haven't done anything touristy. We walked we walked up
uh
The shamzi day with that street for uh
To go see the octetrails
And um, it was funny the first it was a breathtaking street, but the closer you got to the monument the more I felt like I was in time square
You know, there's like a forever 21
And shit like that very disappointing
That there was that although I did use a public back bathroom that cost me two euros. That was the cleanest thing I had ever been to
Um, but I didn't realize that you know, you can actually go to the top of that monument
I had no idea and I also still have no idea how you actually get to the monument because it's in the middle of a fucking rotary
And there are subway stairs on the other side and we went down into the subway and followed the sign and all it did was spit us out
On the same side. I couldn't figure it out. And at the end of the day, I have to stand in a fucking line
To stand up on something where I can probably get a taller view a higher view at a fucking
restaurant at the top of a hotel where there's no line
And I can actually look at the monument rather than stand on the monument and look at a fucking hotel
It doesn't make any sense
You want to stand behind fat fucks and jean shorts then go to a monument and try to go to the top of it
I could tell you that anyways
So then finally me and the we're like three four days here said hey, do you want to look at the Eiffel tower now?
And she's like, yeah
We're both exhausted because that's a long fucking walk
Um, oh and by the way the way they have this their city laid out. There's like le louvre
Um, they're they're famous museum where the mono Mona Lisa is
Which uh, I've yet to go see I'm going to do that today
All right, which I don't like the whole setup of it
How you have you have to go in
You got to go in to see her because you know because that bitch ain't coming outside. No
You got to uh, you got to go in to see the fucking thing. I already know I heard it's really small
and uh
You know she's got that Ryan Gosling smile
I'm gonna go do it just to fucking do it, but um every day you walk by that there's just boss loads
Of fucking kids getting dragged there by their french teachers from around the fucking world
And you know
I don't know. That's why I'm going there on a monday
I figured the weekends are going to be worse. So I'm going to go there and
Nia's just like me
When it comes to museums, she likes them for a finite period
Museums just make me feel dumb. I'm gonna be honest with you
I go in there and I try
I
Tree so nearly said this great bit about
There was some disaster naturally
Like giant disaster that happened and they were showing all the sad people and he was talking about how we sat there
And he tried so hard to give a fuck
Um, which I'm butchering at his delivery of it, of course was perfect
but um
That's how I feel when I'm when I go into a uh
a museum
The patrice o'neill bit where I'm trying so hard
to give a fuck
I I just don't care about old stuff. I respect it. I would rather hear a scientist
I'd rather watch a scientist on television. Tell me why what I'm looking at is so fucking important
Rather than going up there and have to read the index card
It's not even index card. It's like a fucking notebook paper
size thing
Of all this shit. That's just just too much shit to know
Then I go in there and I'm gonna look at the knickknacks of all the fucking or the brica black
all of of the fucking
I it's just it's too much. All right
I like going to car museums
Stuff like that, you know
I can I can I can deal with that
So I'm not saying museums are bad. I'm just saying that um, I am not
refined enough
As a human being to actually appreciate what's going to be in that thing. We'll see I'll talk I'll talk to you about it next week, but um
So anyways, we had gone to uh
um
the Arctic Trials and then uh
I finally go, all right, you want to go see the Eiffel Tower
I mean we saw we saw basically a third of it all the way to about a half of it from those parks the amazing views
So
We were both tired from walking up the street. So we got one of those little bike rickshaw fucking things
It was the greatest. So we got jumped in that thing. We're going on the rotary around the fucking arc
and uh
Then we're just riding along riding along riding along and then once again
Because the front the french know how to make a city you go around this roundabout and then all of a sudden is this
All these buildings and then there's just this giant gap
And literally I was looking down because I was like videoing as we were riding and I just heard me a gasp
And I looked up and there and there it was
Like like a fucking tyrannosaurus rex like a giant had just taken a you know
Taking a step right toward you
It was unbelievable the greatest tourist attraction I've ever fucking seen
And I never I didn't even go up. I never we never went up in it. We just stood there and looked at it
Um
Essentially from across the river, but it's it's right on the river
And it's so goddamn big
It was it was incredible and then we just went across the way and we sat in a cafe
and just uh
Just looked at it
And what's great about the cafes here in france is they
I've never been to anything like it all the chairs
Are faced out at the street
raw off nini
I think she just came in
All the chairs are just faced out at the street because you just you don't want to miss anything that's going by all these fucking
beautiful women
All dressed unbelievably
Um, and then you got the Eiffel Tower in the background and we got there
Just before dusk and in dusk they turn the lights on
Oh, there she is
Bonjour madame. Bonjour messieurs
Um, come on in
Come on in. I I was smart enough this time to not plug my mixer in
Right before I stuck it in the wall with the adapter. I saw I saw the the two prong things
I'm like, wait, this is what happened to me
The last time. Yeah with my 90 $9 fucking mixer. Well, come on over here
near the uh, the microphone
Uh, that means okay everybody. She has photos. She's good at it. Um
So anyways, I was just telling them
What are you talking about? You just cleared your
Oh, sorry. See that big blip there. You just clear it right near the microphone. Oh jimmy, excuse
um
So I was just telling them about taking that rickshaw bike
Over to the uh, the Eiffel Tower
And just how they have the city laid out where you don't see it. You don't see it
You don't see it and then it's just boom between the two buildings and uh, how he was sitting in that cafe
Yeah
That drinking wine and I'm smoking my little pretentious
cigar cigarette things
Um, that's another thing too like everybody fucking smokes over here. It's hilarious. Oh, that's great. There's no
There's no surgeon general here whatsoever, but uh, I was mentioning that we're going to go see
The Mona Lisa today and I'm not a big museum person and I've I've kind of been speaking for you on a scale the one to 10
Your your feelings about museums
um
You know what I would say I'm at a seven
All right, so I'm not a full on I'm not a full on 10 because I don't I'm not the kind of person that's like
Wants to spend an entire day in a museum
I want to go in see the shit that I want to see and then get out because it's exhausting
But there are certain things I love I do love museums
But I just don't want to go there and like like when we're in new york and I go to the MoMA
I just want to go in see some things and leave. I don't want to spend the day at the MoMA
Some people do that and they love it. I can't I can't do that. I literally get sick to my stomach when I hear you say
Go to the MoMA
What do you mean?
It's just like I feel like I'm back in school
And it's the class I hate and I have to sit there until the bell rings
Do you know when I was a single man in new york?
The amount of time people go oh take a do the museum take a do a museum and it would always be the worst fucking date
And it was and I would do it because people say that you know, that's where you take these new york ladies
So right
And I would take them there like I was culture. I'm not culture and I would go there and I would be bored shitless
And then they would feel it like I'm telling like 20 minutes 15 20 minutes
Depending on how good looking she was
15 20 minutes in I would be I would just be bored shitless
And I would be looking for for a place to buy a hot dog
But the thing is there's certain
There'd be certain exhibits at museums that you would like
Remember when we went to the car museum? I said I like the car museum. You like that?
I like uh, I like there was like a stand-up comedy
Exhibit. Yeah, that's not a museum. That's just cool. Shit or like a bunch of cool
Uh photographs I could get into right but the uh
The the artifacts like when we went to we went to the the fucking thing there
I was the guy on the ceiling that shit was just in chapel. You were like
Like walking through there like you were walking through an airport trying to get to your gate
You were like walking so fast
Barely looking at anything. You were just like I'm just walking through this because I have to because it's the sistine chapel
It was one vest emerald one vestment after another this place was beautiful though
What are you talking about it? Well, I know we have this hold
I can't even believe that you would say that it's not beautiful in there. It was absolutely gorgeous. It was a lot to take in
But you're you're like you're like a 13 year old boy. You're like this is boring
You know, it did it look like it looked like an italian's living room
You know that hacky joke that they do where they talk about that room
That's all covered in plastic that no one can go into. Yeah, that's what it looks like. It's just
Ornate I'm gonna use the word ornate, but don't you so fucking over it. It was so gaudy every
Look, you know how you love how the Parisians dress where it's basically all dark color all dark color
And then like the splash of color with the scarf or the shoes or the hat and everything else is sort of was it was it muted matted
neutral whatever the fucking word is
That was the exact opposite
Yeah, that was the epitome of oh
But look how I got this over here. I know but there's so much time and skill that you know goes into
Putting all those frescoes up. It was absolutely incredible though. You got to appreciate that part of it
You got to appreciate the artistry that goes into something like the same way I can appreciate an older movie
But also realize that the dialogue's a little dated like the the way they decorated it is a little dated
Oh, I gotta give what what does that? What do you mean dated? I mean, it's it's rome
It's one of like the oldest cities. I love rome. I loved rome
I loved everything about it other than that fucking the only fucking museum I went to was that stupid
Sistine Chapel and it sucked
When you go there make a right and go go right to this ceiling painting
Yeah, and then get the fuck out of here
Don't go to the left and see every chalice they ever fucking drank out of for like the next
And it wasn't even crowded that day god forbid if it was fucking crowded
You're gonna you're gonna I swear to god. You're gonna think about abandoning your family
For good if you're if you're wired like me
um, so by the way, um
I would now say
Haven't been here that uh
Paris as far as europe goes. Yes. Paris is like new york city
I'd say london
Is like a smart chicago
I love saying that just to piss off people in chicago
And then rome is sort of like a boston philly kind of thing. You know what I really feel like it's a complete
Like travesty that you would try to compare these amazing european cities to cities in united states. Oh, give me a
No, no, no these cities new york chicago and boston are awesome time out
But like to try to compare them to like europe like that's stupid. Well, most of my listeners to do that
Most of my listeners are from the united states america. They need they need a frame of reference
No, they don't you don't need to give them some sort of like watered down frame of reference like no
Paris is like Paris london's like london and rome is like rome
Ah, jesus. Yeah, you're gonna do that person who comes over here and now fucking just says that everything over here is is like
It's is paid with gold. No, I'm not saying did you see all those fish and chip eating jackasses in england?
I mean you can't tell me that that's not chicago
Like the amount of heart attacks on once and I had an awesome time. So I honestly, I don't know that much about
I love chicago
I love chicago and I gave london props where I said that it's like a smarter chicago
Plus I like insulting chicago. That's what I gotta do. Somebody has to go down in the scenario. Sorry chicago
Oh, fuck you. I love chicago and you know me. I'm a moron ever. I thought that's all I've been doing is talking about how dumb I am on this
I can't even go to a fucking museum and enjoy myself
Um, oh so also out here
Oh, you know what you missed yesterday you missed these two, uh, I was gonna say french people go like like what else are they out here?
These two french guys. Oh, that's another thing too. Uh
Um
Just like in in what I love about traveling just about just like in philly
How a cheesesteak is just called the cheesesteak. They don't go. Can I get a philly cheesesteak? They're in philly
Just like over here french toast is not french toast
Pan Pardoux
Yes, the pan padeux. That's what it is. There's no french in it. They are french. They don't need to say it
So that's my travel and it's delicious
It's wasn't it really good with that costume. Although in boston. It's still a boston cream pie
That's cuz it's boston. Yeah, we're morons
Is that where we are?
Um, I would have a fucking framing ham
Whatever over there. They identify everything in boston just to say that it's boston related. Oh, shut up
It's not like we're going from boston. I love my city, but come on boston is if you want to talk about dumb
Let's talk about boston. Oh, what are you talking about havid? No god
We have harvard boston university. I went to college and asked at MIT. It's a it's a wonderful
Mecca of university of people who come from other places
To continue their education in a very, uh, beautiful brisk fall setting. Otherwise, I would I would
It's a bunch of friendlies in jackasses as you say
I would be I would be offended by that if uh, I didn't fit into that fucking stairs
Believe it or not people. I did not get accepted to harvard. I got accepted to wentworth
Where's the wet worth was a construction? Uh
What it's this is like this is like fucking breakfast club what i'm dumb because I know how to make a lamp
No, you're not. No, you're a genius because you know how to make a lamp that's what you're supposed to say
And I had no construction skills whatsoever
The reason why I picked it
Was because
It just looked like it was a fun job because I was working in warehousing
And I noticed when you worked with a bunch of other guys and the boss was sort of there but not really there
You could just stand around breaking balls all day. So that's why I picked the school, right
Okay, I get accepted there and then I also got semi accepted to northeastern like all right
We'll let you take we'll let you take a couple of classes
I'll see how you do. We'll see how you do and yeah, it was a fucking nightmare. I didn't get accepted
And then I went to I went to neither place
I went to I got I got rejected from harvard, of course because I wasn't smart enough my dad went to harvard
So I felt like well, let me apply to harvard. I feel like I should have your family
Harder to get into harvard, but I didn't and I went to emerson and it was awesome. So and there's my college story
And that's my college story
We're coming up on an hour here, uh, what do you what are you talking about here?
I talked about I talked about everything. Oh, you know something else. I've been trying like every friggin
cigar
That you can try out here because their selection is incredible
Um, but this is what I have learned
Even in paris if you want to buy a cigar go to a cigar store. What's the one that I went to down the street?
On ruse, St. Honoré, I don't know. But yeah, you got to go to a specialty place just like with the uh, the boulangerie
You go to the boulangerie. That's bakery boulangerie. Yeah to get the croissant and the baguettes
And I guess you go to a pâtisserie
To get the like little cakes and macaroons and things like that
Yeah, because other than that what you you're just gonna get ripped off like it's weird because I they got all these places
It just it was a t-a-b-a-c
Tobacco, yeah, you just see those signs and you're like, oh there's Cuban cigars in there and you walk in there
But they don't know what the fuck they're doing like I walked in
To one yesterday and I I bought two different size like cojivas these smaller ones and real thin ones
and um
You're supposed to like basically what you do is you squeeze the end of it
You're supposed to go in about 50% and then supposed to come back out
I like watching you squeeze your imaginary. Yeah
The rest of the cigar regardless of how hard it is it doesn't make a difference
It's that right there and that'll give you a good draw
But the whole thing was was squishy and I noticed that they seemed almost a little wet
They had the fucking humidifier up too high and I'm sitting there smoking it last night
It was like, you know, it's like I'm smoking wet leaves. It just and it was a Cuban. It was I had to finish the thing
How funny was it when I stuck the q-tip in the end of it to the side?
So I get down there again
It was still, you know better than any cigar that I usually get in the US
That's like when you're like in college or whatever and you're trying to smoke like the very the smallest part of the joint
You use a pair of tweezers
To smoke out of it. Well, that was like, yeah, exactly there's a famous story
Because I've only heard it once in my life. I'm not gonna say it's famous
Castro when he was at the un he actually lit up
During the whole meeting of the minds of people around the world and as he's sitting there listening
He's smoking a Cuban which I think is a big fuck you to the US
Like yeah, you guys wish you could be smoking these and in the end he
What he uses a roach clip with some part of his glasses
He stuck it in there and he was holding his glasses like hitting it like a roach at the end. Yeah
Dressed like he was on mash
Um
I got you a croissant from the boulangerie
Okay, what flavor plain the butter one. How do you say it be?
Okay, let's read a couple of these things here, uh fake sports enthusiasm
um
Dear billy balls
Between the final four and the super bowl, which one do you think attracts the most fake female sports fans?
All just running out the door in whatever color they're rooting for never watched any regular season games
Which is it? I say the final four
Uh, first of all, I don't think that you got to just say that it's women. Uh, yeah, fuck you
Oh, Jesus
I'm not saying that because me is here either. Although I might subconsciously because we have to spend the day in the seal
Uh
The most fake female sports fans. There's only fake female sports fans. I would say
Oh, I would the super bowl is brutal for the fake female sports fan
It's fucking brutal because it's brutal for everybody because everyone most people pretend like they give a shit about the super bowl
When they don't they just want to watch the goddamn commercials. That's a very that's a very that's a very ignorant point of view
What you're doing right now is because you're looking out your own head and saying this is the view of the world
It's important thing isn't it you're part a lot of people are you're part you're part of the problem
You're the woman who shows up that doesn't give a fuck and talk
I don't show up. You know, I don't go to games or any of that kind of shit with you because I usually don't care
No, no, but the super bowl you do show up. You go to a super bowl party. Yeah, you eat the food
You talk during the game and you shut up during the commercial and then when the game comes back on you go
I like that. How did you think that one cost that one wasn't that good? That is not what I do at all
You are lying right now. I don't ever do that. I've never been more embarrassed
Since so many super bowl parties with you and I've never done that. I usually dip out
During the game or I'm sort of sitting there watching it and not really paying attention on my phone
You're over in the corner giggling with your friends during the game. All I hear is
I would actually say the super bowl because
The super bowl has become like a national holiday and it's the fact that it is
One day it is on the weekend. It's only just for one fucking day
and
The fact that there's going to be food and all of that stuff for non sports fans to still enjoy
Um, and then all the other extra fucking hyping like oh, we need to turn the channel and watch the puppy bowl or whatever the
Fuck it is or oh, oh my yeah. Oh my god fucking
That's cute. Yeah
Fucking Bruno Mars is going to be playing at halftime. He killed it. He did kill. Oh, he's awesome
He killed it. He's awesome. I'm not saying he didn't but I'm just saying better than tom petty
um
Tom petty, you know when tom petty came out looking like the guy in the nickel
Oh that yeah, yeah the blonde
Let's dance maybe that guy. Yeah, he looked literally who's the guy in the nickels that thomas jefferson or is that uh
of thomas jefferson or uh tom petty
Of tom petty. All right girlfriend cheating on her diet
Uh, I already don't like this person. Um, why you don't like that delivery?
No, that's actually pretty funny girlfriend cheating dot dot dot on her diet
That sounds like a gay guy wrote that on her diet. Um
Scandalous
Um, I'm 27 years old and have a girlfriend of six years whom I live with when we first got together
She had a sexy athletic body that all changed last year when she got promoted and started working long hours in a high stress position
Uh, she began smoking weed almost every night claiming it helped her relax after a hard day's work
Yeah, man. She also started eating like shit lost lots of fast food larger portions, etc
She's probably 60 to 70 pounds heavier than when we first met
And on her five three frame it fucking shows man
After ignoring myself that would show on a six foot frame after by after ignoring myself probably 60 to 70 pounds heavier
After ignoring my subtle hints for the last year
I finally sat her down last month and said enough is enough. She needs to make an effort to get healthier
I did everything to support her in losing weight. I paid for an expensive supplement program that her co-workers recommended
I started making her healthy lunches every day to take to work when she'd get home from work
I'd have a healthy dinner ready for her on the table. I even paid for a new gym membership and bought her a new bicycle
Today I found a hidden cache of fast food wrappers in the garage
This led me to believe to look at her bank statements from the last month
She's been picking up fast food on her way home from work nearly every day since we talked
It sounds like a biggest loser story
Not only that she'd also buy fast food at lunches sometimes too suggesting that she was tossing the lunches
I made her in the trash
This really pissed me off. I'm a guy who takes care of my body and want a woman who does the same
She's only 24 and hasn't had children. She shouldn't have a beer gut jowls and saggy tits
Uh, you were so in the pocket. You were so in the pocket
Take your computer and throw it out the goddamn window
Can you please finish the rest of this so I can go off on this asshole
Please just finish it because I swear to fucking god. I swear to god. I think he's making a lot of good points
Oh my god
The fact that I oh my god. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't don't scream too far too close to the computer
I don't I can't use a mixer this week
The fact that I spent all this money and effort on her only to have her sabotage it and hide it from me
Makes me seriously call our relationship into question
What would you do in my situation? Oh my god, Nia's taking off her shoes. Oh my god. You know what? You know what?
We have to be quiet. I know. I know. I know. I you know what you shallow
Just bullshit fucking asshole guy who wrote this letter. Let me explain something to you right now
You think you care about her health? You don't care about her health
You certainly don't care about her state of mind
All you care about is whether or not your girlfriend's hot enough
What for for you for your friends for society? You don't give a shit. You said yourself. She's got this job
She's stressed out and so she's stress eating. That's what a lot of people do
Okay, and you're sitting here. You seem like you were well-intentioned, right?
But now it seems like you're just being fucking shallow because you don't care
You don't care about anything that's going on inside of her physically or or mentally or emotionally
All you care about is what she looks like and now you're mad because she's like hiding it from you
And you're calling the question her relationship. You've been with her for six years
And you're gonna call into question her relationship how she feels about you because she's going through something emotional
Why don't you talk to her about how she feels instead of trying to put a band-aid on the problem and making it seem like you care
When you obviously don't give a shit, okay? You're a shallow superficial douche bag
And she should dump your ass and get hot even hotter than wait and she's 20 40 minutes
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Time up time up time up now. How would she go about getting even hotter?
By losing 60 to 70 pounds. No, you know what?
She could get hotter by finding a guy who's making more money and who's nicer and like a just a better person
So she should become a gold digging fat whore
No, no, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Now. Listen. Listen. Here's the deal
Time out. You're being too hot. I'm gonna tell you right now. You're being just dump. No, no, no, no, no, no
You mean she had a better body when she was a teenager than she was when she started to get into like her life
What a surprise time out unbelievable time out happens. Oh my god when people get older and have like grown up responsibilities
That's that's really crazy how that happens. Sir. You you you hit you hit the
And you've got what I guess six pack and a full head of hair and you're just like the hottest guy ever, right?
And that's not going to change for you
Maybe in 10 years if you go through something and you're having a hard time and the person that you
Are supposedly love and cares about you and has been with you for six years
It's just decides to what toss you aside because you gained some weight
Fuck you. Wait a minute. Okay time out. Okay. Can I defend this guy a little bit more? Sure
That's what you do. You defend the assholes who write into you. So go ahead
Well, yeah, I can't bite the hand of feet
No, I'm I'm I'm not defending this guy just to defend this guy. Okay. First of all
You're ignoring the fact
that
this guy
He sat down with her in a nice way
Okay, in a caring way nia to be five foot three and put on 60 to 70 pounds
You're setting yourself up for heart disease
And you're gonna die and this guy and she hasn't even had kids yet
Okay, time out time out and she has to go through all of that which you know, nia. Okay, you think that's
That's already hard enough is it she's only 24 years old. You should not be 60 to 70 pounds nia 30 pounds overweight is obese
This girl is is two times
On her way to three times at 24
She's blowing out her body and she's she's never going to be in shape again
And she's going to live a miserable fucking life because a very difficult life because she's going to blow out our knees
I'm telling you all of this shit is going to come and this guy
He did not sit down and say hey you used to be hot and now you're not he said time out
No, he isn't no we have time out time out
He sat down with her like an adult and said that basically i'm concerned about you
Um, you know, we say I love you. I'm concerned about you. I want to help you get healthier. This guy is making lunches for
He's paying for a gym. He's doing all of this stuff and in the end
When he's trying to help her out and then she's going behind his her
is back
Eating which she's doing it out of a shame thing
He felt betrayed and then the anger comes out and then that's when he says beer gut jowls and saggy tits
Okay, now this is the thing nia like it's unnecessary for him. So like put it like I understand what you're saying
Well, he has to because he can't say that to her and he can't get he has to get his anger out
Or he has to make a fucking joke. He has to do something and here this guy's also 27 years old
He says he keeps himself in fucking shape, which you know something that's not fair to your partner
It's not fair to your partner to go out and put on that kind of weight. Okay, if she's 24 years old though
She can't bounce back. It's not like she's 44. She's 24
Okay, like it's it's hard to lose that kind of weight, of course, but she can do it
But i'm just saying like i'm not i didn't like i didn't say he's doing all this stuff
Where you like do all like the physical stuff, but he seems like he's incapable of being like emotionally supportive
What are you talking about? He was he was in the beginning. He was in the beginning
He did this what he's doing in the end is he's talking to me guy to guy
She's 24 years old hasn't he had kids. She shouldn't have a beer got jowls and saggy tits
You know, he's coming out of like a football coach
Well, she doesn't need a football coach. She didn't say it to her. He didn't say it to her. He said it to me
Suggesting she was tossing the lunches. I made her in the trash
Yeah, who knows if she might have she might have just he's probably eating them both. She's probably eating them both, right
What would you do in my situation to help this fucking guy out?
He seems like he's keeping himself in shape
He's he's actually a great boyfriend if he was a dick
He would have said i'm breaking up with you because she had a beer gut and jowls
He didn't he tried to help her with the fucking problem guys problem solve. Okay help this guy connect with her emotionally
So, I mean look she's got this high stress fucking job, but like at some point
You know, you got to settle into the stress of your job or you have to get a new fucking job
But this is what it's doing to you
All right
And yeah, I got to tell you you get 60 to 70 pounds overweight at 24 fucking years of age
What's going to happen at 34 and yeah, that is a legitimate question
It's a legitimate question because that weight thing is
You know, it starts happening
People died Mia
Not to bring up a bad fucking subject
But yeah, if you're gonna think about being with somebody for the rest of their life
You're gonna have kids with this person. They're already this much overweight. They're not gonna be be there
They're not gonna fucking be there
All right, fine. Maybe I went too far when I was calling him an asshole and all that kind of stuff
I think you went a normal reaction because
Yeah, it's it's that last it's that last thing, you know what I mean because you know what you're right
Everything that he says he's doing in terms of making healthy meals and buying her bike and the gym membership
That's all well and good and maybe that's this is the part about men and women. That's difficult because yes
You guys try to problem solve you don't
Try to connect on an emotional level and say like to bury the emotions right and you go to the gym
Exactly where like where it sounds like what she needs. She needs to blow off steam and a lot of people do they they eat
They drink they smoke weed. They do other drugs. This is how they cope. These are how people cope. That's another thing
She starts using fucking uh, uh, I can't you mean alcohol is a drug but now she's no weed and that increases your hunger
For most people like like you wouldn't believe so yeah, and you don't want a salad when you're high
We want pizza and cheeseburger and nachos. Let me ask you this Mia. Let me ask you this
Let's just say
You're dating me
all right
You know we've been going out for two years
I'm in great shape
And then all of a sudden the stress of the road
I put on 60 to 70 pounds to start smoking weed now. You're gonna tell me that you're not going to entertain breaking up with me
You're not going to sit there and be like this is going to be the father of my kids
This is the person i'm going to spend my life with this guy. He was acting like he's in fucking wanes world
And uh uncle buck all at the same time
You know what I honestly can't say that I would if you all of a sudden that's all you were doing with yourself
And whenever you weren't on the road, you were just sitting around smoking weed and you know what it became like shit
If I came home imagine my pasty freckled torso with mantits
Right my fucking
Nable the size of a half dollar now. Yeah smoking weed
And just sitting there fucking, you know, that's gonna affect my sex drive. Yeah, I'm getting on top of you
Sweating all over me. Yeah, you got to get on top of me. I look like I'm pregnant. Let me give you a fucking break
Right and then you're walking down the street and you're seeing all these other guys go into the gym
And
I would like and you're in the prime of your fucking life
Yeah, and you're going to pick a mate for the rest of your fucking life
And i'm already looking like i've worked on wall street the 30 fucking years. You're not going to sit there and have any second thoughts
Come on here
I mean, I might not be as sexually attracted to you. That's for sure
But I would just tear the band-aid off and just say what you're going to say
But I wouldn't be like I need to I that's the other thing that I would approach me. How would you approach me?
Listen, this is the problem. This is the problem that I have
Especially with this whole letter the fact that I spent all this money and effort on her
Only to have her sabotage it and hide it from me makes me seriously call our relationship into question
Why does that call your relationship into question? She's being deceptive
Yeah, because she's going through some emotional shit, but she's being deceptive about food
It's not like she's like cheating on she's like, you know what? I know she is for him to take it to make it to seem like
You know, oh, do you really not love me now?
Because you know, you're not following this diet that we agree that you would fall like that's not
That's not a fair comparison to make on somebody like that's not it's really not fair to do that
No, it's is it fair to do what she's going?
Well, it's she's not doing it against like against him
And as a way to hurt him. I know she isn't so you can't so you can't say is it fair for her to be doing that to him
You know something this is not what I say, but this is this classic fucking female thing
We you guys are right when you're right and you're right when you're wrong like you're acting like
You think she's doing this to hurt him
Well, why can't she be a little more mature and just we just say like listen
Why can't she sit down with him?
And just level with him and let him know just say listen. I gotta be honest with you
I know that you care about me. I know that you sat down and you had this this conversation with me
And I know that I said I was gonna do this and this and this but I'm actually doing that and I'm actually you know
Not going to the gym
And I feel bad that you're wasting your money and all that and you're taking all this time to make a lunch
Every morning. How loving is that that he's doing that? She should she should do that. Yeah, all right then
She's not a hundred percent free of guilt
The thing about it is Nia is that guys are guys and we talk like guys and guys
Just get to the fucking heart of the matter
I don't like the fact what he said he looked at our bank statements
From last month you've been picking up fast food on our way home for like nearly every day
I gotta tell you Nia that's a check thing to do. Go through somebody's email and snoop. He snooped. It is it's snoop
And now you're not now you don't like that. Now what if a woman did you probably would like that? No, I don't
She she had a hunch. No, I don't like because that's what I have friends who checked
And I don't I don't think it's smart to do
I think it's ridiculous and also it's like don't look because you
More than likely you're gonna see something that you don't want. Well, I'll be checking your emails later on today
I have nothing to hide. All right. So all my all right. So what what should he do in this situation?
Well, first of all, I should probably apologize for saying fuck you and calling you an asshole
Um, but yeah, you should just have sit down and have a talk with her and just say I'm concerned about you
And what's what's going on with you emotionally like tell me what's going on
How does he deal with?
Maybe we can like go for a walk after work and you can tell me about your day
When he brings up
When he brings up the fact that he snooped and looked at her bank statements. He does not need to do that
Well, let's just let's just say he does
Because at this point now his girlfriend because she's gonna freak out and she can get a lot of weight behind those punches now
It's such a dick
um
No, you should just say um
I'm worried about you because I feel like you're going through some stuff and I tried to help you
But maybe it's not enough. Do you want to talk to me? Do you want to talk to somebody else? How do you how are you feeling?
Because she probably feels shitty about her. So she probably feels terrible about herself
She's gained that much weight. None of her clothes fit anymore. She knows how she looks
She probably feels absolutely terrible and her one solid way is that she's got this boyfriend who's home
And he cares about her and he loves her and she's abusive
That's not you don't throw that word around
That's a strong word. She's don't don't do that. She's taking advantage of him. She's taking advantage of her. She's taking advantage of their love
She's not you're making it. That's what I don't
That's what I'm trying to get you to understand. She's not trying to hurt him by doing this. She's hurting herself. You don't know her
You don't know her. I and you don't know him
Exactly. So why are you right and I'm wrong? I'm not I'm not saying I'm right. I'm giving you my opinion. Isn't that why I'm here
You really have a beautiful profile. You know that
Don't try to throw me off. I appreciate that but don't try to throw me off. All right
That was a legitimate thought but I was trying to throw you out
No, listen if um
I just said if you if you gain 60 to 70 pounds, it would be very hard for me. Go back what we were just talking about
We were saying no no she probably feels bad for herself. She probably felt about hey, here's something. What if she doesn't?
What if she doesn't give a fuck there's there are those people
How do you know there aren't those people just don't give a fuck because she's a woman and she's five three
And she's put on more than like 10 pounds, which is it's just devastating for us
I'm five four and I have been what about 25 pounds heavier. I understand still look good though
You liked me when I was a little bit heavier. Yeah, I don't say I don't like you liked it when I was a little bit thicker
So listen, I understand it does show it shows like nobody's business. You are right
So it it shows
Um, and it does suck to have your formally tight
Hot body girlfriend all of a sudden not be that way. I know and I got it
If she looks like she's a retired athlete in her fifties at 24
I mean, what is he supposed to do? He is 27
So what so he is still at that shallow age where he's like, you know calling into question his relationship based on your partner's weight gain
No, that's that's the level of maturity and he's uh, yeah, that's yeah, listen
That's a very serious fucking thing
To be that that overweight at that age. I mean if you do that to your body and you stay that way for 20 years
I mean, it's
You your body can only take that for so long and when you're thinking about starting a family with somebody
They have to be around they got to be involved
They can't be over in the corner
You know with no energy lethargic and and and and then having on top of that all kinds of fucking health
That's another thing too. Yeah, you're not gonna be able to get fucking health insurance
I mean what she's doing is really is effective both and I'm not trying to be a dick here
But like they're not even engaged though. This is just his girlfriend. That's how you get into lose weight. You should propose
She'll lose weight with the quickness. Trust me. I know
Yeah, but then once they get married, she's gonna go right back to Doritos
Um, well, then that just that just means that there is a
A significant emotional thing that needs to be addressed
So all that stuff that you did while you got her um, this great bike and a gym membership and all that stuff to support
First of all, that should that should tell you that a person is only going to change their lifestyle if they want to
Number one, that's the first lesson. That's with drugs or food or anything number two
That that means you need to go deeper than just the kind of like these are the things
I got the answer right here either talking or you're suggesting therapy
Or you go to therapy to talk to talk about it or something
She probably needs to if she's got like some sort of like eating I have the answer food addiction or something
I got the answer. She's probably just fucking depressed and when you're depressed you smoke weed and you gain weight like she's depressed
He needs stressed out. He needs
to sit down
and decide
If it's worth it
If this is does he love this person enough
to ride through this fucking store
if
if
If you're not if you don't feel that way then you should just walk
Okay, and then
Breaking her heart
Is better than marrying her when you don't love her
So just break her heart the stress of that and the sadness of that she won't even be able to eat that big king every day
And she'll probably drop like 15. Is he is he stopped loving her?
Because if that's the case then
He's calling their relationship into question. So I don't I don't I don't know
Why because he's being honest. Why can't you fucking be honest? Why can't guys be these the
Who we are we we are visually you know what I love about
Women is you you fucking want to use that shit
Where visually attractive gets you a fucking drink
Or get you get you out of some shit. What do you mean?
Like that doesn't fucking work
You want to use it when it works for you and then you want it you want to use that weakness
When it's to your fucking advantage and then when it's the other way you want us to be these fucking understanding goddamn people
You want us to be guys when it gets you a free fucking drink
We want we want guys to love us whether we're like the hot body or we gain some weight. That's what we want
We want to not you want your cake and eat it literally. No, we want
We want to not be we want to live in a world where we don't have to even fucking have this conversation
That's what we want. Yeah, I want to be rude and fat
And
Actually do whatever I want to do and I want you to still rude and fat and
Disgusting and ridiculous and you get to do that
But women can't do that as you want to rub me. I'm rude. We have to be like the hot body. Otherwise you call our relationship into question
Oh, so this one guy is everybody now
He's not everybody, but we're just we're talking about just a general
You're so you just you just said women like to do this and women like to do that like it's all women
That's what I do. That's what I do. Yeah, but I'm a moron. You're supposed to be a higher being you're a female
We are higher beings. You're not. Trust us. You're not. You're just as dumb as we are just in different areas
No, you don't think so. No being a being an emotional person makes you tuned into things that you
As a male with your basic fucking
And
Can't understand so we already are high and we can like carry children
We've got some spiritual level shit that you'll never understand exactly and you know, we also have
We have some plow through some shit that you don't understand
That you don't understand. Don't you think you need plow through some shit and I finish a fucking thought
No, can you have can you be a plow through shit and an emotional you need both of those things?
Don't you think yeah, it's called the yin and the yang but for some reason you think your yang is better than my yin
And that's the fucking problem and this 50,000 shows on fucking tv as much as you ladies complain about the images on tv
There's a zillion fucking things on tv that are telling you that you guys are right and guys are morons start with
90% of the fucking advertising when they show a man and a fucking woman in a relationship like that
ridiculous one from a few years ago that i'll never fucking
Believe that they were actually where she's sitting at the computer and the guy's outside
Finds a beehive and literally sticks a broom handle up into the fucking thing
And is getting stung by bees because he's a dumb guy and she has to sit down and handle the family business at the fucking computer
Okay, please do the female the chauvinistic version of that fucking commercial
What do you mean do the chauvinistic version of that when the when the women's guy
Have the guy figuring out the family business on a fucking computer as she's sitting there
looking through a fashion magazine or
That's not even at the same level of ridiculousness. What is the female version of sticking a broom handle into a fucking beehive?
They're assuming that the woman is is taking care of like the day-to-day run the household stuff that the man is
And he's trying to be working to figure out
So they're trying to so they're trying to appeal to a woman's sensibility so they show like the product
And then she'll buy that and what about that's all like what about the metaphor?
No, it is not like what about the metaphor that's going on there that he's such a moron
He's trying to stick his fucking pole into any goddamn holy confined
That's not knowing not knowing he can get stung in anymore. Yeah, I was him getting herpes
Uh, dear billy bounce. What music are you listening to these days? What's on your iPod?
What's the lovely nea listening to what do you listen to when you work out?
That shizzled me Marvin body
It's as old as Lee Marvin's body
What am I listening to these days? I don't fucking know
Well, then I usually listen to shit that makes me want to play drums
Or learn some drum shit. So I I have no idea
What's last night when we actually watched?
We were watching Comedy Central because we were we were uh their website. We were jet lagged
Yeah, and when I watched Key and Peele and I watched the workaholics
And uh broad city
When I watched all that did was make me feel fucking old
It made me feel fucking old like uh, I mean, no, let me go back a second. They're all fucking hilarious
Like I was legitimately left left through all of that, right? Yeah, okay, but I didn't get
I didn't get so much of the shit
Not gonna get it. Like what was that thing?
That handlebars thing that he said I didn't even get it. Oh, yeah, he was talking about childish gambino donald blover
It was his interview with nerve.com that handlebars did it was like we asked and handlebars for sex advice
And in the end they were asking him if he would want to do like a mixtape and if he wraps this and that he's like
Yeah, I thought about it, but I'm not gonna you know go full like childish gambino and this none the other
And then he made a reference to like, you know, oh, we figured out like childish gambino is really like bill burr
And that's that's that or like when he does stand up
And you just could not understand. I was like no matter how many times I tried to explain to you
He's making fun of me. Is that is that a compliment?
I knew he wasn't that donald blover
Is also childish gambino. You just didn't you didn't seem to in the whole time
I heard donald blover. All I was picturing was danny
No, and it's donald blover. Yeah. Oh my god. And then the crawl show. Jesus Christ. Oh my god. Everything on the crawl show
Hilarious. I mean god, what am I listening to since they were asking me is the lovely neah listening to
I actually downloaded sam smith's album
Um based on his performance when louis ck did s and l actually it was
Another recent appearance that louis did it wasn't the first time around
So sam smith is awesome. Just has a beautiful voice. I've actually been
Making a lot of mixes of like old stuff a lot of old hip-hop. I've been listening to a lot like 90s
What makes hip-hop hip-hop? Um, but I love I love um, what's the like the latest?
Like maybe um pusher tea's album
Is like is something that I listen to a lot
I have no idea what I
I've played it for you
You liked a couple of his his verses, but
Overall, I don't think you were into it because you're not really into
Hip like rap music right now
Right, would you say
I you know, I I
I can't get I can't listen to if you're gonna fucking walk around your house or your apartment
Talking about all the stuff that you have in there. It's just boring as shit to me
Um, I like storytellers. I will never like those those guys that tell stories
you know
About guns and selling drugs if it's actually real
It sounds real like they actually did that's why I love jay-z and biggie because they actually did that shit
And then they talked about it and it was like nauseous like that. It was like listening to a movie. Yeah nauseous like that
I like that stuff
You know, but you don't like you don't like I don't kind of west is so far up his own ass
It's just like that is true. Yeah, I never like who walks around calling himself a genius
Who does that? I mean this like right there. You're not a genius
You're an idiot
Like I don't and I don't understand what I hate when he also stretches out the words
It's like, what are you trying to dumb it down for me? You either don't have enough material for this fucking song to finish it
It's a style. It's like, uh, you know, what do you call it?
Is that your Kanye West impression whatever that that fucking that one that I listened to because I like
Oh my god
Talk about being apropos. Hmm. It's I believe it's called n words in paris
Yes, um n words in paris
Uh, yeah, there's a part in the middle where he stretches out
Like jay-z kills it and then he comes on and he starts taking we get married at the mall
Oh
And it just keeps going and going and going like and I just feel like me while you deserve to have it
Yeah, and it stinks. It's not clever and he's slowing it down. Like I'm supposed to be on the other end. Like, oh
Well, whatever I'm sure a zillion
Kanye fans can't be wrong. The man is a genius. Saint Vincent
is another one
that I'm listening to
I guess the most contemporary thing I've listened to in the past couple years is probably mute math
And that's only because Andrew who does the podcast told me to check them out because they draw this fucking awesome
Andrew them let's his wonderful taste in music. Can we just say that?
All right, we've got to wrap this up because we got to go look at that arrogant broad down
Oh before I end I got to uh, just unbelievable sad day in comedy yesterday the great john panett
Uh passed away and I got to you. I got to you a great john panett story. He was just
An unbelievable guy. I only I only got to meet him a handful of time
But he's one of those guys you met him the first time so you knew him, you know, I cliche like you knew him forever
First time I ever saw him. I had already all I had heard was the legend
of john panett where basically
He started doing comedy and like within six months was headlining
Because he had he didn't have the material yet because he'd only been doing it six months
But his charisma and how hard he was killing and he was just such a natural
That
Where in boston where it was just such it was like headlining was so solidified
Like you like we always said by the time we came around you had to leave boston to headline boston
Because the the boston comedy gods weren't leaving and you weren't going to get funnier than them
So you had to go out and get tv credits to just do a headlining set at the fucking comedy ball
But john panett was so funny. He plowed through all of that
In six months. So the first time I see the guy after hearing the legend of the guy. I'm at nix comedy star
On kevin nox's show
And this was after the stand-up boom ended the 80s ended in the early 90s when I started out
So and they didn't learn how to promote a club because they never had to because people just went to comedy clubs
So now for the first time ever they had to learn how to promote and they were still learning
So long story short, it was a tuesday night at nix. There was maybe 28 people in the crowd
and john panett comes in
And just says hey, can I get up and do some time and they put him on and I watched him and he did
12 minutes
And he made those 28 people
It sounded like a fucking jet was landing. He had them dying laughing and he got a standing ovation
Like he had done like a 90 minute blistering set just doing 12 minutes
Just it was one of those things. I had never seen anybody get a standing ovation
But I knew at the end they were gonna stand up and I remember he just he just went on
He just kind of like sit down sit down. I just remember going like what the fuck was that?
and
Fortunately, I never had to try to follow him. I did one show with him. Um
I can't remember where the hell we were it was me him kathleen madigan was just a fucking great
Line up the people and like he closed it and jesus christ
He was one of those guys that he was in that sad boston style
It's like I got you and i'm not letting you go and i'm not letting you get up and like nobody
Was the epitome of that more than them. So gonna miss you buddy, and that's it. That's the podcast for this week
And don't take any shit. Don't fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week monolisa
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