Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-8-13

Episode Date: April 8, 2013

Bill rambles about Atlanta sports fans, how to order breakfast, and shape shifters.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, April 8th, 2013. How are you doing? Today's podcast episode is brought to you by Ting. Please visit bill.ting.com for a $25 service credit or a device discount. That's bill.ting.com. And I know what you're thinking, Bill, what the hell is Ting? What is it? You can't just bring up a product and I don't even know what it is. You know, it's got that ambiguous name. What's going on with it? Well, Ting is a new mobile service that brings clarity, usability, and significant monthly savings to U.S. small businesses and families. So basically, if you're tired of paying an arm and a leg for your cell phone bill, every month you should check out Ting. They just added a new 3G slash 4G YMAX hotspot to the Ting lineup. The Sierra Wireless Overdrive Pro can be had and refurbished for only $30 in February. They added the option to purchase used devices via their partnership with Glide. The option to bring a sprint device has been around for a while, but there was a limitation. No LTE devices could make the move. Well, they've been working to have this limitation removed and now many LTE sprint devices are able to make the move to Ting.

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Hot Lana baby. How you doing? I got here last night. I'm a day early before my big showdown in Athens, Georgia and you're probably wondering, Bill, why did you come in a day and a half early? Well, I'll tell you why because tonight I'm going to the basketball game, Michigan versus Louisville. Alright, the NCAA championship game. Why wouldn't you? You're in town. There's still tickets to be had. Can you believe it? There's still tickets to be had. Dude, Atlanta has to be the worst fucking sports town on the face of the United States. I didn't say the earth. Okay, I'm not going to be arrogant and act like I know sports fans from here to Timbuktu. I don't even know where Timbuktu is. I don't even know if that's a real fucking place. I don't know if that's an expression.

I don't know who shot. I don't know who's not. But they fucking suck here in Atlanta. Okay, in Atlanta, they suck. George Bulldogs. That's a whole different story. Hey, wait. You get me to one of them dogs? I'm in there. I'm between the hedges. Okay, I'm not talking about the SEC college fucking sports fan down here. Those people are fucking lunatics. All right, they're out there making moonshine before the game. They're out of their fucking minds. They're either full on fucking redneck or they're like that. Oh, Belvedere. Come here, boy. You know, they have that fucking plantation vibe. One or the other. Just talking about the white people down here.

All right. So, and the drug addicts are all in the Waffle House. All right, if you want to score some meth and get a delicious breakfast and you're in the south, I have to recommend the fucking Waffle House. That's the place to go. If you'd like to maybe get into a fight, if you didn't even know that you wanted to get into a fight, that's where you want to fucking go. The Waffle House is basically, that would be the souths. That's kind of there, man. What the fuck is the equivalent to that up in the north? Just someplace we could go out and get some food and maybe get the shit kicked out of you. Maybe get a prostitute. Maybe have a heart attack. What is that? The Cheesecake Factory? You know what? I'll have to get back to you on that one. Anyway, so I'm here and I'm going to be going to the basketball game tonight. What the fuck is with this chair? It's one of these fucking chairs. Oh, I keep hitting the adjuster thing with my calf. Sorry. It's not the chair's fault. It's my fault. All right. You know what's great about this chair is it's not a live person, so I don't really have to apologize to it, even though I just did.

If this was a woman, I have to be like, you know, right now she would have her arms crossed looking out the window. You know, I just, I understand that, you know, you have a lot of pressure because you've been traveling a lot lately. Okay, but this snapping and just immediately going to the anger. No, no, let me finish. Okay, I think you've said enough for the morning. You know, they just say that should just get you fucking going. I'd have to apologize to it, you know, and buy some flowers, buy some stuff. You know, sorry chair. My, my meaty calf actually was hitting the adjustment thing. So it wasn't your fault. It wasn't a design fall flaw. Whatever the fuck I'm trying to say. What am I trying to say? I'm trying to say that I'm going to the NCAA championship game tonight here in Atlanta and it's not even fucking sold out. How fucking hilarious is that? What is wrong with the city of Atlanta?

You know what it is? There's too much, there's too much pussy in the city that people, they just don't go to the fucking too much pussy and too much Jesus. Both sides of the fucking rainbow, you know, and they just don't go to the goddamn games. When was the last time a Braves game sold out? You know, if I ran the Braves, you know what I would do? I'd put a fucking stripper pole out there in the goddamn bullpen, you know, so the people out here could make it rain in between innings. And then I think maybe I could get the stadium half fucking full. Oh, fuck you. What the fuck is this? South Carolina? Does this like a fucking phone or I got to do? Why are you doing that? The hell was I told? Oh, the stripper pole. Yeah, dude, you know what kills me about the fucking Atlanta Braves is they still do that Tomahawk chop that shit. And there's no passion behind this.

What kind of a fucking asshole does that? How many tribes have said how fucking offensive that is? You know what I mean? That's when I really fucking hate people when they're just like, you know, What? What? He ain't got nothing to do with that. You know, that's stupid. Just, you know, it's like people like Ernie the Confederate flag. You know, they try to say that it has nothing to do with fucking slavery and just has to do with Southern pride. Give me a fucking break. You know, just be a fucking racist. Just man up and be a racist. Just get a nice fucking swastika tattoo right on your forehead. Stop being passive aggressive. Probably going to get kicked out of this hotel for saying this. Oh, fuck you Steve Jobs with your fucking noises. I heard it. I heard it. I grabbed the phone. I fucking reacted to it. You cunt from the grave. He's still a cunt. I wonder whose idea he stole for that fucking thing and then passed it off as his own as he goes out and tries to fucking levitate with one of those cheesy fucking magicians.

Goddamn fucking phone. I hate this fucking thing. You know what kills me too is you put it on, you put it on vibrate. I mean, there's no way to shut it up. I'm sure there is if I read the fucking manual, you know, but I don't have time for that. You can read a fucking cell phone manual, finally figure the thing out and then what? It's obsolete in eight months. Bill, quit yelling. You're just lazy. All right. Maybe I shouldn't be going off on the dead guy. You know that douchebags on the cover of fucking Time magazine with like Albert Einstein as far as people who changed and shaped the world. It worked. They're stupid advertising where they lined themselves up with Gandhi has actually fucking worked because now the dude's dead. And on the cover of Life magazine, they hit, you know, Jesus didn't even make the fucking cover. Or maybe he did. I don't know. But what the fuck, you know, they actually had a really good picture of Albert Einstein.

They had a younger version of him, you know, where his hair wasn't all fucking gray and he didn't have that sad look on his face. You know that look he had on his face after he fucking showed those psychos how to blow up all of Japan. All right, this is the cover. The cover is Abraham Lincoln, Jesus, Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King, The Beatles, Hitler, some old broad with fucked up teeth, Mother Teresa, fucking Gandhi. Jesus, what the fuck's the name of that guy who spent all those years in prison for an apartheid or whatever the fuck his name was. Was it William H. Macy? The fuck is that guy's name? He finally got out and his wife stuck by him and then he fucking dumped her. And then the guy who came up with the phone that angry look on his face with the Edison. What the fuck is a guy's name here? Sidney Poitier?

I'm the worst. I don't fucking know who anybody is. And anyways, they got Steve Jobs, Steve Jobs rubbing elbows with all those fucking people. Fucking stupid ass goddamn nerds because he did what? He invented a phone. Did he even invent it? Haven't I already talked about this on stage? Up on the silver screen? So anyways, I'm out here in fucking Atlanta and I'm going to that goddamn game tonight. These stupid cunts, they don't even fucking sell the thing out. They're still doing that Tomahawk chop. It's like, why would you do that? I was just talking about this on the regular guy's morning show. My brother took a tour one time somewhere in Arizona and they were talking about how Native Americans played their drums and they would be like,

they play it like this, they play it like that, but at no point did they ever go burn them. That's just some fucking Hollywood shit where they hired a white guy with the tan, maybe even a little bit of a sunburn, you know, to give him the reddish tinge that they thought the fucking Indians had, which I've never understood. You ever see a real Native American? There's nothing red about their skin. You know? You know who's a fucking red skin? I am. Goddamn fucking redhead. You put me out in the sun, I will fuck with any Native American. Apache, I don't give a fuck who you are. My skin will be redder than yours. I should be offended by the Washington Redskins. They're making fun of me, not you. All right? Just the fact that your face is on the side of the helmet, that's just a misdirection.

All right? It's just another group of people coming at us fucking redheads, and you know what? I want to get sick of it. All right? I'm sick of cunts coming up to me telling me that I'm going to be extinct like I'm some sort of fucking white rhino. You know? You're going to do, you guys are going to be gone by 2040. It's like I'm going to be 72 in 2040. I'm still going to be here. You cunt. You know why? You know why? I'll tell you why, because I go out to these hotels. All right? Oh, there's another plane. Where are those people going? God, I always wished I was on a plane going to someplace exciting. Sorry, that was the inner monologue of a woman who got married at 22. Anyways, plowing ahead here. This is why I'm going to live to be 72, because I don't stay in motels. I don't fucking make speeches about how to change the world. At least on my podcast, maybe I do, okay?

But I'm not standing in front of fucking a zillion people. All right? So no one's going to whack me. All right? I got good jeans. And you know what? Today, I go downstairs. They got the fucking continental breakfast down there. They got the breakfast buffet, and they also got the whole thing you can order from the menu. All right? And what do I see down there? I see all the man-titted fat fucks who got the corner office. And they're down there getting themselves an all-American breakfast. Two, three eggs, any style, the fucking bacon, the potatoes, just, you know what they're doing? They're fucking grabbing their heart by the lapels, huh? Grabbing it, just going, hey, motherfucker, right? And then just kneading it, right?

If your heart had balls, that's what you're doing with that breakfast. The all-American. You know what I did? I went down there like a little fucking twinkle-toes. All right? I was up on my tiptoes, and I did a little dance move, and I slid into the booth, and the lady, you know, the lady came over. You know, it's a waitress. Like, I think all waitresses should be female. Even the waiters. That's just a broad job. I'm a hungry man. I want food to be brought to me. This should be a woman involved in that. Okay? I'm traditional. I'm old school. I pay for the movie.

I want my sandwich made by a woman. That's a man in a fancy hat. Some poor excuse for a fucking pop hat. Dude, how far down is the fucking Catholic religion fallen now? They're all the way down. They're in like south. They had to leave this country. They're gradually moving to the third world just because that's the last place that people still believe that some bearded dude walked on water, talked to a fucking bush, and then, you know, died and then came back three days later. You know? Oh shit, the fire engines are coming out.

I think there's a plane on fire. That is my big fear. My big fear is not dying in a plane crash. It's surviving the plane crash and then being soaked in jet fuel and burning up, you know, for a nice four second death of. And then that's it. You know, you're probably even much higher pitched. I wonder what the only how many decibels you can actually create if you're burning in jet fuel. It's so fucking terrifying. When you go to take off, you literally just you're in a tube of gasoline.

Yeah, Bill, we get it. We understand that you need a lot of gas. Gee, Bill, do you need a lot of gas to fly across the country? Wow, your podcast is so informative. Oh, so anyway, so I'm down there and I get the fucking breakfast. OK, and I could have got the fucking three eggs any style. I could have got the pancakes or the waffles. You know, they do that shit where they turn it into a dessert. They got everything but fucking chocolate frosting on them now.

I said, fuck all that. And I said to the lady, I said, you know what? Let me get the cold cereal. Cold, cold, like fucking Margaret Thatcher's knees. And I'm not saying that because she's dead. OK, that fucking shape shift and reptile, you know, I actually think that she's George Bush. Like that. That's like his alter ego is he's actually actually ego.

He's actually also Margaret Thatcher. You know, just the theory, just something to kick around in a bar. I think they're all the same person, you know, and they shoot all the world leaders all in the same living room. Maybe it's maybe he's not a shape shifter, but he's got some excellent like Hollywood makeup, you know, and then like when he was supposed to be in America, he's like, I can't do it.

And then, you know, then when they cut to him over and fucking being Margaret Thatcher, he's like, oh, he just fucking just changes his voice. He's like the Mel blank of like the Illuminati. That's what I think. And I actually voted for the motherfucker. I liked him. Who's they supposed to vote for that fucking squinny pollock

fucking riding around in the goddamn tank? Is he a Greek? Dude, did you guys know Copernicus? The guy who figured out that the fucking earth didn't go, you know, was going around the sun that the sun was the center of the universe. That guy was a pollock. All these Polish jokes, you know, Copernicus, that doesn't sound like a Polish name to me.

That sounds Greek, but I digress. So I go down there. What do I get? I get the fucking raisin brand with the 2% milk there. I got the milk from that cow that was probably fed another cow. So God knows what kind of fucking poisons are in me right now, but there's only 2% of it as opposed to 4%. You understand that, right?

2% of what? I have no fucking idea. I actually read something one time on how they do the fat count. It's bullshit. It's kind of like how they do the gas mileage on the cars, where they drive the car at like two miles an hour with like a fucking hurricane wind behind you. It gets 60 miles an hour.

And then you get it and you only get 20 and you're like, what the fuck? They're like, well, you're stepping on the gas pedal too much. Well, how do I make it go without doing that? Sir, why are you being hostile? Because you're a cunt. That's why. And then you're out of the showroom.

And that's it. That's it. You ever go into a showroom and you see the fingerprints on the glass and you see one cent where they're really indented in the window and then they kind of slide to the right. That's the guy who used the C word. He said cunt in the showroom and then was dragged out. Yeah, I don't know what I'm talking about.

So I went with Raisinbrand. Then I got a banana. Put it on top. And you know what? I'm fucking full. Filled up the fucking stomach. And I didn't go down there and just starting your day with fucking 1200 calories to your ass.

And now you're down to 800. You're gonna do that at lunch. And then you're done. And then the rest of the day, all it is is just fucking overflow, spillage for your fucking arteries and your goddamn muffin top. All right? Why am I yelling at you guys this week? I don't know.

I'm in a great mood. I'm gonna go to this fucking game tonight. It's gonna be tremendous. I'm gonna have the whole road to myself. Why? Because it's a sporting event in Atlanta. I'm telling you, if they put stripper poles down there, they would have fucking sold it out.

And would have cost me like nine grand a ticket. So actually, I have an amazing week. I'm going to the basketball game tonight. And then I do a run of theaters. I'm in Athens, Georgia on Tuesday. I'm in Alabama, which Georgia actually looks down on, which is fucking hilarious if you're not from this region. It's like you fuckers are all the same to me.

And I don't mean that in a bad way. But I don't mean it in a good way either. Alabama at the Stardome on Wednesday. And then Thursday, I'm over in South Carolina. South Kackalacka. And then, no, Tuesday, Athens, Wednesday, Stardome. Thursday, South Carolina. And then Friday, I got two shows in Atlanta.

And then Saturday, I go to the Masters. You see that, people? You too can live the dream when you never get married and don't have any kids. You can live selfishly like I do, you know? And go to all these wonderful things and brag about it on your own podcast. And then go to bed at night and cry yourself to sleep.

What the fuck? I keep hitting this goddamn thing in this fucking chair. It's driving me nuts. You know what? It's almost like the chair knows my ego's completely out of control and just keeps, let's bring him down a little bit. A little closer to the floor. A little closer to the regular people.

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All right, back to the podcast. Ah, dumb ways to die. So many dumb ways to die. The fucking song's in my head. I'm going to kick you guys up with a YouTube video. And I know it already has 40-something million hits. And people will be like, Oh, YouTube.

All right. For all you dumb fucks out there, 40 million hits, 40 million people is not even 1% of the world population. Okay? So any sort of recommendation for a goddamn video is fine.

All right? So go fuck yourselves. Hey, what do you guys think is worse? The Atlanta Braves fans doing that Tomahawk chop or Red Sox fans singing Sweet Caroline? I'll let you think it over.

I have to be honest with you, just because it's offending a fucking group of people that were victims of genocide, I got to go with Tomahawk chop, but I have to say Sweet Caroline is a close second.

I mean, that's literally stopped me from watching fucking home games of the Boston Red Sox. I stopped watching it in 2010, you know, once like fucking half the Red Sox tested positive. Was it really half bill, or was it two or three key guys?

Two or three key guys, you know? And one guy, I think, escaped town via Chicago and never fucking got caught for anything. That's just, you know, just speculation, pure speculation, people. But, yeah,

so I was kind of at that point, I was like, all right, they either need to make steroids legal or get it out of the game, or they're just getting excited about shit, and then a four years lady would tell me that it doesn't really count. You know? I don't fucking know.

This is how long it's been since I've watched the Red Sox game. I'm looking at the USA Today sports page, and it's got a picture of a Boston Red Sox who I don't even recognize, and it says Middle Brooks shows clout with three home run day. Evidently, there's a guy in the Red Sox

called Will Middle Brooks, who was four for five with three home runs and four RBI's Sunday, and he's batting 320 for the season. I have, that guy could fucking... He could be sitting down next to me in a fucking restaurant. I'd have no idea who he was.

I'd be like, who's that really in shape tire salesman? He's not a tire salesman. Why? That's, that's fucking Will Middle Brooks. Middle Brooks. It's not Middle Brook. Middle Brooks.

The Middle Brooks. The Middle Brooks family, everybody. So evidently, we got a guy named Will Middle Brooks. I'll tell you right now, if y'all, you know, I gotta tell you, if I'm the Yankees right now, I gotta be worried about that Will Middle Brooks. I don't even know what's... I have no idea what's going on.

What is going on in baseball right now? Are they finally done building all new stadiums and singing dumbass fucking songs? Just make the Roids legal. Okay. Just let everybody take them and then it'll be all right. And then we'll all take them.

Everybody takes them. Everybody's jacked. Everybody's got a short fucking temper. You know? I guess that would suck. But no, you don't, do you really get that anymore? Well, Billy, who knows? It's not like you fucking read about it.

Let's get it, let's talk about a sport that maybe I know a little bit about. Let's talk about hockey. I'm telling you fucking cunts right now. Who roll your eyes at hockey? First of all, if you don't want to be a fat fuck, take up the game of hockey. I'm telling you, I say this weekend and week out,

it is the greatest old man sport there is. All these fucking old white dudes go out there and they're still playing fucking hoop. What happens? They come in Monday, they blew out their fucking Achilles, you know, constantly fucking up your knees, your hips, your feet, because you're running up the court, right? And you got on your fucking Steve Jobs new balance,

you know, the official old white guy sneakers, which I just bought a new pair of them, with the inserts. That's when you know you're old. Constantly getting fucking hurt, right? Baseball, nobody plays baseball. You play softball and that's just really an excuse to get absolutely fucking hammered and eat hot dogs.

Softball leagues you actually fucking gain weight playing the fucking game, so that's no good. Now you're walking around with this big fucking gut, you know, with your coaching shorts, one size fits all, you look like you're in your third trimester, that's fucking out. You sure as hell not going to play football in any sort of capacity, and that leaves hockey.

Hockey is great because you're running around, but you're gliding, you know? I'm telling you, you fucking work up an unbelievable sweat, it's great hand-eye coordination, and I'm completely 100%, so I don't even go to the fucking gym anymore. I just go out and I get involved in a pickup game. I'm actually to the point, I'm at the upper level of sucking.

I can actually stick hand a little bit and keep my head up before somebody takes the puck away from me. But I'm getting a good sweat, and it's a beautiful game. You know what's funny, they have all these different drills and I've been skating with this comic on Nate Craig, who I fucking brought out on tour when we went through Wisconsin in fucking Michigan, and he was showing me a couple of drills,

he went to one of these stick time things, and it's just, there's no hockey drill that isn't absolutely fucking exhausting. Every fucking one of them, it's like you do three reps of it and you feel like you're going to die. You ever see baseball players before a fucking game? Just sort of limbering up, just tossing the ball, flicking the wrist.

That's the fucking sport you want to play, I think. But then you got to do it 162 fucking times. I would love to get a professional baseball player on this podcast and just talk to him about July and August and how much, even though you're making millions of dollars, how much you want to kill yourself, how many fucking times? At that point, you've heard the song Take Me Out to the Ball Game

125 fucking times. Take me out to the ball game. You're just sitting there like, I'm going to fucking kill myself and you're standing out there in the goddamn sun, right? And now you got to try to figure out who this fucking guy is on the mound and what the hell he's putting on the goddamn ball. Baseball, to me, is literally,

I don't want a math class every fucking day. I just, I wouldn't have the, there's no fucking way I could ever get smart enough to play that game at any sort of fucking level. I just can't, like when you played football, you just fucking walk up and you just play, right? I guess you have to figure out the guy across the line from you, but not to the level that these guys have to.

You know what I mean? Maybe you figure the guy out for part of the game, they don't come in and all of a sudden bring in a fucking new cornerback out of nowhere. They do that with these hitters. All of a sudden you got a new fucking pitcher. What the fuck's this guy doing? What's his deal?

What's his release point? Can I pick it up as it's coming off his fingers? There's no fucking way. There's no fucking way. The only way I would ever make it in professional baseball is if I was a really good third base coach. I really knew how to give the fucking signs. That's the only way I could ever make it.

If I had the God-given ability, I don't have the mental stamina to give a fuck when another guy comes. I just fucking did this. I just figured out a guy. Now you're bringing in another guy? Fuck this game. Fuck this. I'm going to be an announcer.

You know, I stole this story from this morning because they didn't get to it on the wonderful program, the regular guys here in Atlanta. Some fucking asshole spent over 200 grand on a Star Trek ray gun. All right? 200 fucking grand. Over 200 grand from some rare ray gun, I guess used on the Star Trek episode.

This is what I want to know. How much crooked shit has the baby boom generation done that they can afford to throw their money around like that? You ever watch those Barrett Jackson auctions and like a Mustang will come up and this is an actual Shelby. This is the real deal. We're going to start the bidding at $180,000. Who the fuck has 180 grand to buy a Mustang?

You know, they're sitting there fucking bidding on it. Those fucking Ferraris come up. That one from Ferris Bueller's Day Off comes up or whatever and they could spend like 9 million bucks on it. Dude, right there. You should be fucking thrown in a black van and fucking taken down underneath the Pentagon and they figure out what the fuck you did.

Where did you get your money? Huh? They probably know. You know something? If you have enough money, well you can blow 9 million bucks on a goddamn Ferrari that you're not even going to drive because it's worth so much fucking money.

Your wife doesn't give you shit. At that point, you know people at the Pentagon. Right? You walk into the Federal Reserve and they shout out your name like your fucking Norm on Cheers. That's all I think of when I watch those auctions. I'm like, this is all filthy fucking money. Nobody has this kind of money.

Barrett Jackson. Do you ever see A-Rod there? A-Rod doesn't even have that kind of money. A-Rod, my favorite Yankee of all fucking time. I don't know about any other Red Sox fans. I'm sort of a former Red Sox fan. I think eventually I'll get back into them. I kind of liked last year where they sucked

and everybody just kind of burned off all the pink hats. But now I guess they're good so everybody's jumping back on the bandwagon. I gotta figure out when's a good time to jump back in with those guys. Anyways, I probably do it this year. At this point, it makes me feel bad as a fan that I don't know who fucking Will Middlebrooks.

Dude, did you just get the new Will Middlebrooks jersey? I have no fucking idea who he is. This is terrible. Anyways, what the fuck was I just talking about? Just talking about knowing people in the Pentagon. Oh, my favorite Yankee of all time, Alex Rodriguez. Watching the Yankees trying to shame A-Rod into demanding a trade has been

and him not taking the bait. Sitting him in the ninth inning in the playoffs and he just still is just like, oh, you know, I mean, whatever's good for the team. Hey, New York Yankees front office. Just settle in. You're gonna have to pay him every fucking dime. I bet that they have his contract

out on their fucking giant walnut tables. Every fuck is walnut expensive. I don't know. Every goddamn day just pouring. They probably have a team of lawyers just specifically designed to pour over that guy's contract to try and figure out how the fuck they can get out of this. I swear to God, if A-Rod was abroad

and fucking the Yankees were his husband, this story would have already been on the first 48 because A-Rod would have got whacked. That's the type of financial fucking situation there. You know, the guy is like, there's no way out of this. I just have to kill her, you know, which is always the dumbest fucking move ever. You know what I mean?

You're gonna go to hell forever. If that shit's true, something's gonna happen. Something has to happen, I think. You know what I mean? Because some people get away with murder, so there has to be some sort of fucking something, right? In another world. Or did they just put that in your head

because if there really was no ramifications, they didn't make that shit up and other people would just be walking around killing people. Can you imagine if you just had no fucking conscience and you just did that? Anybody who's just annoying you, you just fucking killed them and you were so good at it, you never got caught, you know? Could you still enjoy life?

I guess if you don't have a conscience, I'm trying to think how many people I would have actually, like seriously would have killed. I don't think I ever would have killed anybody. It's an interesting question. Nah, I don't think I could. Oh, there's been a few I've wanted to. Alright, let's give the questions this week

before I fucking start incriminating myself. When it rains, it pours. Hey, you red-headed bastard. So I know this is going to be a horrible email, but I listen to your podcast every fucking Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, or whenever you get it up here. Will you guys stop saying fucking Wednesday? It's not even Tuesday.

It's late Monday. You fucking whining cunts. For the last fucking time, I tape it Monday morning, my time. It's not about you. It's about me. So go fuck yourselves. Fucking bitchin' about a free goddamn podcast. You guys, the internet is a bunch of whiny cunts.

Whiny unoriginal cunts, by the way. You people out there, you gotta fucking step up your Twitter game. Stop using stock fucking lines. I want the last three minutes and 28 seconds of my life back. Isn't that the most unoriginal fucking thing ever? I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. You've read that a million fucking times on fucking Twitter, and you're gonna write it again

like you're gonna get a laugh. You know? Has anybody ever come up to you, told you a fucking street joke, and then right after that, told it to you again? No, because it's only funny once, but you fucking Twitter hacks the same fucking, that feeling when, wait, what? That's like the fucking hacky tag.

Same fucking people will then bitch that there's no fucking original TV shit out there, and then they're just these unoriginal cunts. And you know what's funny? They're all, they're just repeating shit that they've heard, and then they're all laughing their fucking asses off at their own shit. It's fucking annoying. Oh, I forgot to bring up the hockey thing when I was gonna say,

you know what's killing me right now is I think because of the injuries that the penguins have and the fact that the fucking Bruins can't score more than two goals a fucking game, I actually think that the Canadians are the team to beat right now in the East, and it fucking kills me that those cunts are looking like they actually have a shot at winning a cup this year because there's nothing I enjoy more than the fact

that the Montreal Canadians are just not a factor anymore. But they're never gonna be a factor ever again, you know, the way that they were. I mean, it's a fucking 30-team league now, you know? I mean, dominating a fucking 16 league is really, of all like, you know, they look back at the Yankee dynasty, the Celtics, the fucking Packers and Steelers, and then the Canadians.

The Canadians is the most, that one has the most fucking holes in it. You know what I mean? You dominated a 16 fucking, you had to beat five other fucking teams, okay, four of which were in the United States of America, a country that could give a flying fuck about hockey. Nobody wanted to be the next Rocket Richard down here. They wanted to be the next Mickey Mantle.

Nobody gave a fuck. So four out of the five teams, all you had to beat was the Maple Leafs. And in fact, up until 1967, as far as Stanley Cups went, the Canadians and the Maple Leafs were going blow for blow. They didn't win. This is how much hockey didn't mean shit in this country. I saw a story one time on the NHL channel,

the radio, Morning Radio Program, where they were talking about how the Rangers finally made it to the Stanley Cup Finals. And Madison Square Garden so didn't give a fuck about hockey. Every year they booked the circus in Madison Square Garden during the time when the Stanley Cup Finals was. So the fucking Rangers make it, and they're like, fuck you, we already have the circus.

And they're like, but wait a minute, we're in the Stanley Cup Finals. They go, yeah, but we got elephants. Go fuck yourself. So the Rangers had to play their home games. They put them in Toronto because they were playing Detroit and they figured Toronto was the closest, I guess, I don't know, to fucking Detroit.

So maybe you'd get some Toronto fans that hated Detroit. I don't know why they didn't send them to Chicago, who the fuck knows. But that's how much hockey meant. So that's what I'm saying. I look at that dynasty like it's fucking bullshit. Not bullshit. I respect it, but it's kind of like,

you know, okay, five other fucking teams. Wow. Did you go on a run? That's amazing. You had a one in five fucking chance of winning it. How did you do it? So anyways, Bill, hey, your red-headed bastard. So I know.

Anyways, I've been riding on a high point for the first time this month, and I wanted to get your opinion on this matter. I was on a low point when it came to the ladies, and I couldn't bag a 300-pound baldy for the life of me. Baldy. You're talking about a woman here. Same with a fatty with a shaved pussy.

What are you talking about? All of a sudden, I've been landing every hot broad I've been interested in for the last past six months, and I just don't fucking get it. Well, dude, don't overthink it. It's like golf. Don't get in your head. Just fucking swing away.

How does it work that nothing about me has really changed besides I bought a new shirt and maybe did a few more pull-ups than normal, but it just seems like when it's raining, it's pouring pussy. Do women smell it on you or what? I'm not exaggerating this, man. I've landed two of the hottest girls I've ever met in my entire life this past two weeks.

I just wanted to ask the age-old question, why in the fuck does this all happen at once? Why can't life space this out so I can ride the wave for a year or two and be happy instead of having it all happen at once, and life sucks eight out of 12 months of the year? Because getting pussy, it's like playing golf. It's a fucking mental game.

All right, and if you have a bad shot, you got to block the last one out. It's like a relief picture. You let up a home run, fuck it. Give me another ball and you just block. You got to block it out. But what happens is, you know, you start to feel like you're in a slump

and then you get desperate and fucking women just, they smell it on you. You're coming in there, you know, you're trying too hard. Extra splash of cologne. You're fucking, you're right in that grill. Like Louisville, full court fucking press. You're right up on that fucking pussy and then that's it. It's over.

They get all nervous and they pick up their ball and they go home, you know? You can't give a fuck. I've only golfed a few times, but I don't keep score. I refuse to give a shit about that sport and I have a great time. And everybody else is fucking throwing their clubs and getting all pissed off.

I don't give a fuck. I'm having a great time. You know what? I'm going for the hole. I'm going for the pin. You know, I fucking miss and I suck, but I'm having a good time. That's all you got to do.

You got to go fill Mickelson on these bitches. All right? Don't fucking try and two putt and get par. Go for the birdie. You know, if you miss it, who gives a fuck? You got to stay in that zone and not giving a shit, sir. And even then, you're still going to, there's going to be feast of famine.

It's just how it is. If I knew the answer to that, you know, I would have done much better in my, my pathetic trying to get some career. All right. Book of Job. God is the glory of Vegas. Okay.

Hey, Bill, listen to the podcast and religious, the religious douche giving his douchey impression of the story of Joe pissed me off. First of all, the phrase he got. Jobbed is actually derived from the story of Job. Oh, we just pronounced it right. Is it, is it jobbed or jobbed? I don't fucking know.

Here's why. First of all, Christians condemn gambling and yet hold bingo parties in the church parlors every week. But the book of Job actually reveals that God, God is all for gambling because not only did God make the very first wager, God was also the first pit boss and heaven was the first casino. I like where this guy's going.

The Bible story is that Job was so devastated to, devoted to God, sorry, that there was no way he would ever curse God's name. The devil went to heaven and said to God, no shit, he won't curse you. He's rich as fuck. He's got a hot wife, seven, no non gay sons. And three great looking daughters who won't,

who don't date. Give me five minutes with that piece of shit and I'll get him to curse you upside down till next Tuesday. And God said, yeah, you want to make a fucking wager? See God knew Job, God made Job, God knew 100% for certain that he would win this. This bet, bingo, God is now the first casino boss

because God has an inside knowledge of the game. God even gave the devil the odds. So they shook on it and the devil goes out, fucking over Job, something fierce, raped and killed his kids. Holy shit, kids, raped and killed his kids, really? Burned all his house and crops, killed all his livestock, but the worst,

the devil essentially gave Job herpes, but not just to Job's wife. What the fuck, herpes, but not to Job's wife? Try explaining that to your wife without at least cursing God a little under your breath. But Job never caved, so God won the bet. Of course God won, it's God. God did give Job all his stuff back,

but now, but how stupid was the devil that he bet against God? The same as all of us when we go to Vegas and come out saying, I got jobbed. Ah, Jesus Christ. That was so fucking clever. It made my fucking head burst. I think you're absolutely right.

But I just, I got halfway through that story and it's like there's no way that someone wouldn't freak the fuck out, raped his fucking kids. Why is the Bible just so fucking violent like that? And you just have to sit there and like, you know why? Because they want you to be just completely

100% devoted to the bullshit that they're giving you that the invisible guy is saying. Their version of what the invisible guy is saying. To the point that someone can come and rape your kids, burn down your houses and your crops, kill all your livestock, and at no point you're not supposed to be like, God damn it!

At any point, you're not supposed to fucking say that. And if you don't, God's gonna give you everything back. He isn't. Horrible shit happened to people's families, like that, and God doesn't come back and make it fucking better. But fucking idiots, we'll go to church and they'll hear that fucking story

and they will believe it. Sorry, sir, you made a great, that almost seemed like a very Carl and S kind of bit there. Sorry, it's just my fucking opinion on an organized religion. I get a little flustered. I get a little hot under the collar. Law school or bust? Hey Bill, love the podcast?

Nobody love it? So my question has to do with the law school. Oh, with law school. My brain is not fucking working today. I'm gonna be done my first year of law school in three weeks. And I hated it. I've never found anything I like to do in my life other than the usual underachievable things

like my love for hockey and football. I hate every job I have ever had and I thought law school might be the answer. But it's not, well, but it's not been. I cannot stand law school and I cannot stand the thought of the career in law these professors always talk about. All the rules, all the restrictions,

all the dealing face to face with people's problems. It sounds exhausting. It sounds not fun at all. And I have zero enjoyment from it. I already know the answer to your problems here, sir. Or at least I feel I do. He said, my question is this. My friends and family all say this is just part of life.

Nobody loves their job. Nobody likes school, et cetera. But I see these people who love their jobs. I see people in my class that love their law school stuff. I don't know whether I should stick it out in school and just pray it grows on me. The debts from law school are insane. Hope it grows on me like everyone says it might.

Or should I take the plunge and change direction completely look for something else that pulls my excitement. I do not know what to do and it weighs on me daily. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Dude, you're ignoring your inner voice which is saying I don't like this shit. And what you're going to, but it's a safe way to go.

You get a law degree. You become a partner. And all of a sudden you're making money and you fucking hate your life. And you know what? You're going to bring that home to your wife and your kids and you're going to be an asshole husband and father because you hate your fucking job.

Or you could possibly do that. Who knows? You could come home and just fucking leave it at the front door. Look, dude. You said you have a love for hockey and football. Do you know how many fucking jobs there are? Why don't you go into that? You know, if you're going to stick with law school,

I become a sports agent. So you at least around it. But if I was into hockey or football, I don't know. I would try to get into broadcasting, get into journalism, maybe become a sports trainer, something. There's all kinds of jobs at the high school, work your way up to college and all that type of shit.

You know, I would go that route. If you like sports and you're into that, you know, there's this philosophy by a lot of people who don't go after their fucking dreams that those aren't real jobs, like getting in any sort of entertainment or having any sort of an exciting fucking job, like it'd be, I don't know,

be one of those whitewater rafting guides, those fucking people, you know, who get all kinds of fucking pussy because you got these people who, this is their one week vacation from the job they hate and they see this person who's totally free, loving life, you know, women. Oh my God, that looks fun.

I need it inside me, right? You know, they're getting banged up against some rock right next to the course fucking factory. That's what I would do, sir. You sound absolutely fucking miserable. It seems like you love hockey and football, so I would try and find a job in hockey and football. And I know that sounds fucking insane,

but, you know, so is telling jokes for a living. I wasn't the funniest guy in high school. I was funny, but I wasn't the funniest. I just went to a fucking open mic and I turned everything that I used to get in trouble for into now I make money. And now I'm here in Atlanta, two feet from a fucking airport, breathing in jet fuel,

gonna go to the NCAA championship game because I tell jokes for a fucking living. You too, sir, can live your dream. If a dumb fuck like me could do it, you can do it too. It sounds like you absolutely fucking hate being in law school, all right? It's gonna be terrible, dude. Then you become a lawyer and then because you hate it,

you're gonna be looking for a big score, you know, and you're gonna do some, you know, some sort of corruptible fucking thing to get your fucking money so you can parachute your way out of there. You can be sitting in your stupid office with your cufflinks and your little tie-tech just counting down the days, you know?

To when you fucking have a vacation. Dude, you're gonna be a trial lawyer and somebody's freedom is gonna be on the line and you're not gonna have any fucking passion for it. You're gonna be sitting across them and going, oh my God, if I listen to death, listen to one more person tell me that drugs were planted on them. I'm telling you, don't fucking do it, all right?

You can have a fun job and make money. It's one of the biggest fucking lies that's told by the generation and, you know, if your parents are fucking miserable and they hate their job, they don't know. They don't know, so they're telling you what they know. You know what? Life's tough and you go and you sit there and you hit the books.

You have this fucking miserable fucking existence. You don't have to do it. Look at all these fucking people writing blogs. These fucking people out there who like, they're into food. I'm a foodie and they go around, oh my God, the apple had a little too much cinnamon on it and they take pictures of it. Makes me know they got advertising

and then they're making money. Sitting there in the fucking pajamas, eating fruit loops, reviewing it, making money. You can't make money in fucking hockey and football? You're out of your fucking mind, sir. I felt the weight of your fucking life reading that thing, all right? So please, for the love of God,

for all the innocent men that you're going to defend half-heartedly in the future, please, tap out of that fucking industry and go someplace that you give a fuck, all right? And that's it, sir, and you know what? That's one to grow on. Meet and greets. Hey, Bill, I'm curious what you think about

the meet and greet, taking pictures, et cetera, with people who attend your shows. Is it completely awkward? I fucking hate that word. Stop using that word. Such a fucking overly used goddamn word. The whole fucking generation. The sun is shining, awkward,

laughing my ass off, shaking my head, tweet. Do you enjoy it? Is it nice to hear people tell you how funny you are, or does it just become ridiculous? I see pictures that fans take with artists and always wonder if the artists are thinking, kill me now, or if they appreciate someone wanting to take a picture with them

in that setting. Have a great day and go fuck yourself. The meet and greet is like doing a whole other show. If you're tired, it's a fucking pain in the ass. But, you know, if you go out there, you know, you put a fucking smile on your face and you take pictures with people. It's really what it is.

What makes it exhausting is 15% of the people. 85% of fucking cool. It's the 15% that are fucking hammered and they're slapping you on the back or they're fucking sweaty. There's a bunch of like, you know, I understand why Howie Mandel does the fist bump. But generally speaking, you know,

I like going out there. I like going out there and having people say, hey, you know, I had a bad day and I listened to the podcast. You know, I've had people come up to me and say, you know, their mom has cancer and like she watched all three of your specials and, you know, put a smile on her face. I mean, that's like, that's worth going out there

and dealing with, you know, when, you know, one of my pet peeves is when somebody's much taller than me as a guy and they put their arm around me and their sweaty fucking warm armpit is resting on one of my shoulders. I fucking hate that. All right. But, you know, it makes it worth it

when you hear stories like that or you got, you know, people who are going off to war or came back or whatever and they say they listen to your jokes. So there's always a couple of cool conversations that makes it worth it. What makes it annoying is when people don't have cell phones ready or they hand them to somebody they don't even know

and then they don't know how to use the phone and then they get upset because this complete stranger doesn't know how to use this phone that's not even theirs and at that point you already have your arms around these complete strangers and then that gets a little weird. But, you know, it's a part of it. You know, you don't like fucking doing that

then, you know, don't jump on stage, you know? That's how I look at it. I mean, sometimes I don't go out there if I'm fucking exhausted and I feel like I'm getting sick I won't go out there because, you know, I'm going to go out there shaking all these fucking hands and I'm going to get everybody's germs all over me then I'm going to get sick and then my next show

is going to suck because I'm going to be sick and, you know, that's my first obligation is you pay the ticket to see me give you a great fucking show and if I don't do that, you know, what's the point? All right, so there you go. All right, single man advice. Oh, also, I've got to be honest with you too. When I first used to go out there,

I mean, it's a skill to know how to actually talk and interact. It's like a whole new skill you have to learn. So I wasn't good at it at first. I just feel like, hey, how are you? Did you like the show? You know, I was really bad at it and through watching certain people who were just naturally good at it,

like I always thought Dane was really good at it. Kevin Hart, I thought was really just naturally good at it and I would just kind of watch how they interacted with people and tried to use that as a, I don't know, as a guideline on how to fucking do it, you know? So anyways, but I have to admit, people never used to do that. Like the interaction that you guys have now

with people that you see at shows is fucking insane. You know, I went to a no doubt concert and she was like taking pictures, like grabbing people's cell phones and taking like fucking selfies, I guess is what they call them, with people in the fucking crowd. And I actually found that annoying. It's like, I came here to see you guys, all right?

You know, I know now you have to kiss the crowd's ass to like some fucking unbelievable level, I just think it like knocks down, it's like you're a fucking rock star, be a rock star. You should be that accessible, you know? I don't fucking know, whatever. Here we go, single man advice. Hi Bill.

Okay, maybe just Bill, maybe a little more than that. No, just Bill. I'm keeping the intro simple. I'm single and need advice. I don't know what soup to choose. I'm really fond of clam chowder. Are these euphemisms for different kinds of women? Really fond of clam chowder, right?

So you're like a pasty redhead. But know that chicken noodle soup would be better paint the picture of the classic bachelor role. What? You guys, why do you guys leave out like four words in a row and just make me sound even dumber than I am? Which soup would look better spilled on the plain white t-shirt? Also, I just cleaned my apartment after letting the dust build for a while.

Is this a problem? Thanks for the advice. Thanks for any advice. It worked. Single man advice. Do I really have to answer this fucking thing? What you look better do? Clam chowder is like crustacean jizz.

Clam chowder is fucking disgusting. It's fucking gross. It's like lobster puke. It's just warm with that chunks of shit and all the women are turning this off. But it's fucking clam chowder. It's octopus jizz. Okay. An octopus that's taking propicia and is having a reaction to it.

And that's what those chunks are. Chicken noodle soup. Come on, man. That's hardy. That's good stuff. That broth is barely going to show up. Dude, if you fucking, you know, if you get clam chowder on your t-shirt, people are going to think you took a fucking hot one to the face,

dribbled off your goddamn chin. Wow. Disgusting. Lobster puke. Octopus jizz. And then a fucking male on male facial. To end the fucking podcast. How do you like that?

Huh? Right there. Fucking two point minus two points for the dismount. I think that that is, are we going to end with that? Let's hype some of my shows here, everybody. Oh, by the way, by the way, I almost forgot to bring up the hard copy version of you. People are all the same for all the old school media consumption,

Summers, whatever the fuck you say out there. Your old school like me. And if you really like something, you just don't want to download it. I don't like doing that because I can't fucking hold on to it. You know, it's in the air. I don't fucking like that stuff where, you know, it's on my iTunes and it's on my fucking, my phone or my iPod or whatever. I don't like that shit because those things all die.

And back in the day when your stereo died, you didn't lose your whole record collection too. So I am a big fan. If you like to have, it's like having the gold behind your money. All right. If you'd like a hard copy version, either come out and see me live or buy one off of the website. It's right underneath where you can either download it for five bucks for the kids.

That's the snowboarders. And if you still ski, if you're old school and you want the hard copy, it's available at billbird.com right on the merch page. And slowly, but surely I am working on some podcast t-shirts. And that is it. That's the podcast for this week. Let's, let's quickly go to billbird.com here. Who do you guys like in the game tonight?

Who do you like? I have family from the Midwest, so I'm kind of pulling from Michigan, but you know, Louisville has got the whole broken leg story. So I don't know who to vote for here. Who to root for. But I have to tell you that, that Michigan seems to win on talent. You know, like, well, I kind of fuck they beat Syracuse was beyond me. Cause Syracuse had this insane fucking zone defense and they were all the way out

by the three point line. So immediately I'm thinking, we'll just fucking fast break. Don't let them get set up. Don't let the ball touch the fucking court. Do some magic Johnson showtime Lakers shit. Get it up there and get some easy fucking layups and make them adjust to your fucking game. And they didn't. They would just dribble it up the court and let these fucking guys get set up.

They couldn't beat the double team. Like I feel like Michigan is getting like, cause they're so young. They're just kids. I really feel that they're just kind of getting away on raw talent. And now they're going up against Rick Patino, who's just a monster coach. I think Louisville is going to take it. That's what I think. But my heart I'll be rooting for Michigan.

Hail to the victors value. Hail to the victim. You know, I also like Ohio State. That's cause I come from Massachusetts and we don't really have any pro shit other than Doug Flutey. Fucking stupid chair went down again. Fucking cunt. All right. So this is the deal.

I'm going to be at the Georgia theater in Athens, Georgia, April 9th. I'll be at the comedy club at the Stardome, Hoover, Alabama, April 10th. I'll be in Charleston Music Hall, April 11th. I'll be at the Tabernacle for not one, but two shows Friday night in Atlanta, Georgia, April 12th. And then I got two shows at the Improv and Tampa on Monday. I think those are already sold out. April 16th. I have two shows at Florida State University and April 17th.

I'm at the Jackie Gleason Fillmore Theater in Miami, Florida. Later on this month, I'll be in Dallas, Austin, Texas, Kansas City. I got a gig in Las Vegas. Anybody wants to escape an unhappy marriage and see me at the Mirage. I'll be there on May 17th and 18th. All my dates are up on billbird.com. Thank you to everybody who's been listening to the podcast. Our numbers have been growing.

Thanks to the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast for always giving shout outs and links to my podcast. And if you listen to the Jay Moore Sports Show, I'm going to be calling that in today at 1130 a.m. Pacific Standard Time. That is it. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Thank you.