Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-8-19

Episode Date: April 8, 2019

Bill rambles about wigs, femurs, and Cadbury Eggs.

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How the fuck are you? How was your goddamn weekend? You know, when people ask you a question, you know, some of you still a bit about that. They just ask you a question so they can fucking say what they want to say. Like, hey, how you doing? Oh, that's good. Oh, fucking doing great. I'm asking you how your weekend's going because I just, I'm fucking coming up on next week

to say everybody thinks the big story this week, the big fucking story. What are they talking about? Oh, oh, oh, the fucking NCAA finals game. Oh, baseball's underway. Oh, the NHL playoffs are starting. NBA is right around. Everybody thinks those are the big story. Oh, Trump fired somebody else.

Oh, there's chaos in Libya. Somebody fucking stepped on somebody's toe in Canada and didn't apologize. Now they've been canceled on Canadian Twitter. Everybody thinks those are the big stories. Those are not. All right. I'm ashamed of all of you. If you think that these stories are bigger than the fact that old freckles has gone 19 weeks without drinking and coming up this weekend.

That's 20 weeks to zero, baby. I'm almost halfway fucking there. Just like that. The man shut it down. So there you go. All you AA motherfuckers out there trying to say I was one of you that I needed this whole gang of people that helped me fucking walk out of a bar like Kellan Winslow after that fucking Miami Dolphin game. I don't need you fucking people. I got control.

When I decide when I say it's over, it's fucking over. And this thing about booze. All right. A booze has no respect for fucking alcohol. He sees you. He sees you weak. It's like when Tyson would win at the whole fight in the fucking stair down. That's the that's that bottle of booze staring at you fucking AA people.

Not me. I'm a tougher breed of an alcoholic. I'm what's known as a binge drinker. It's a switch man. Flip it on a flip it off. Okay. And I'm the man touching the socket. I didn't know what I'm saying.

I'm just psyched. I'm like halfway through. I'm not trying to make funny you fucking AA people. I feel bad for a people. You know, everybody gave a shit what they what they had to say and about all of their stories pre 9 11. It all went to hell. Right. Then it was all about supporting the troops.

You know, the first responders. Now it's all the way down to like fucking male men and male ladies. They were all in front of you. Everybody forgot about our fallen heroes, the raging alcoholics and all of their God nymphs. Remember that pre fuck with the fuck. I can't even talk anymore. Pre 9 11. How many fucking movies do they make about alcoholics?

And it's all these fucking movies. All right. I can't think of any right now. Bar fly. Leaving Las Vegas. Oops. I did it again. Right.

It was not the soundtrack. Britney Spears wrote a soundtrack to a drunk movie. I forget what the fuck it was. Right. All these fucking movies about these alcoholics and how they couldn't do this and they couldn't do that. And they get all fucking, you know, and they're, I don't even know what I'm talking about people.

I'm just trying to fill up an hour while annoying a certain segment of the population decide today. I decided it was going to be alcoholics. Come on. We've all lived with one. They're fucking excuses. Always blame in the bottle. It's like, hey, 20% wasn't you.

The sober cunt. I'm staring at it right now. 20% of that fucking shit wasn't you. It's all in the bottle. Like a little genie. You just put it right back. But be out of the boo fucking bourbon. Is that Prince Ali?

Fabulous. He that movie is like offensive, I think, to the Middle Eastern people. You know what I mean? That's a weird one. Right. Hollywood thinks that we're, we're, we're magical and fly on carpets. All right. Well, I can see, you know, that's not really treating you like a human being, but it's

a lot better than they treat a lot of people in Hollywood. Some other groups are treated a little bit worse. Anyways, I don't know. Why do I comment on things? I don't, you know, I just see shit and I immediately think, Hey, I have an opinion. I haven't read up on anything. God damn. I'm having a great time right now because we are, we're on episode nine, number nine

of season four of efforts for family. And I can't tell you what's happening, but some people end up in this city that I had to do some research on. I found all this cool shit about it. You know, you know, you know me. All right. You don't know me. You think you know me.

And I think I know me, but nobody knows what the fuck's going on with me. All right. But I like, you know, this might surprise a lot of you guys. I am not a fan. I can't say I'm not a fan, but I don't give a fuck about A level cities. Right. Any city that you two tours to, I don't give a shit about it. All right.

At that point it's blown out. There's cheesecake factories and fucking Dick's sporting goods all over the fucking place. It's all been devoured, paved over those giant store windows that look like tropical fish tanks. Now, you know those things I like going to those fucking ones that, you know, the people that are into you to have to drive from. Why doesn't John Cougar melon cam ever come to my city? Is there a reason why that guy always acts like he's a farmer?

Wasn't he like the glee club or something? He's always acting like he's in the fucking West side story or some shit. Rain on a scarecrow blood on the plow. Yeah, you fucking played a ukulele. Stop acting like you were out there fucking picking avocados, whatever the fuck it is you're pretending you did. See, that's your job. A horse should all make a ride.

He was the voice of the farmers long before all of these fucking stupid comics started becoming the voice of fucking different causes. You had the stupid musicians doing it, right? What I love is no matter how much somebody when they're going to loan their celebrity. What are you doing for this cause famous person? Well, I am loaning my celebrity. I'm not going to use it for me in this moment in this moment. I'm going to loan it out to the common people, the people who come to my movies.

The people ask for autographs. The people that I walk past at airports on my way to my private jet. I am loaning my celebrity. Whenever somebody loans their celebrity, it still ends up just being about the celebrity, isn't it? Look at all those fucking comedy whores. You see at those fucking things, right? They're always up on the stage. They're never out in the crowd with the real fucking people, are they?

Rubbing elbows with America. You know, looking into the eye of it, staring at that fucking post fucking, what do you call it? Well, Invisalign Dentition. You don't even know what you're talking about anymore. You don't even know what the fuck you're looking at. God bless people who are dating right now. With Invisalign Botox, hair plugs, you don't know. You could be marrying a fucking troll.

You don't even realize it. There should be something. You shouldn't be allowed to fix yourself until after you find love. You know what? You're doing both people a favor. So then you know it's real. All these people in these fucking commercials late at night, right? I'm laying at bed, bald son of a bitch, top of my head, ice cold against that fucking pillow, right?

And I'm watching the TV at every five fucking seconds. They got some fucking cunt coming out of a pool, right? With his fucking hair waving around. He's playing fucking badminton. Living this active lifestyle. Everybody's always like, well, gee, I can't fuck anyone. I can't go for a swim unless I have hair plugs. I can't play badminton.

That's not what it's about. It's not about being active. It's showing that you can be active and you're not wearing a wig. It's not going to come flying off. That's what used to happen back in the day. People would get a wig. You know, you decided you were getting a wig. And then what you had to do was you had to leave town, okay, and show up wearing your wig.

And hope that they all bought it. And all of a sudden you had a little more confidence. You're talking to this beautiful chick and everything's going fucking great, right? You're nervous on the first date. You feel yourself sweating underneath your fucking toupee. Literally trickling down the back of your skull, going into the back of your shirt. And all you're thinking is thank God I wore a fucking sport coat. All right, because I am sweating.

My fucking pits off right now, you know. And you fold them for a while and then one day, you know what I mean? You get a little boozed up. You get a little sloppy, you know, put the fucking tape on right, whatever you do. I don't know how it sticks there. I don't know if it's a little fucking, I should look at that up. I should look that up one day, how to fucking put a wig on. How to glue it to the top of your head.

And then all of a sudden, all the advertising, I'm going to be getting, it's going to be like full of paint rollers with wig glue. And that now gets your second roller for free. Just in case you got some alopecia down there in your pube area, we can give you a fucking pube wig. A two for one, two for one fucking wig. Down there by your pubes and up there on top of your head. We'll even throw in some eyebrows for you.

Yeah, you went to a new fucking town and then one day something happened. You had to get involved in something. Some fucking four alarm fire and all they got is one firehouse next thing. You know, you're in the bucket brigade and you start sweating. Or maybe one of the ambers there, embers, whatever you say, fucking flies away from the fire and lands on top of that toupee. And then it's like, oh my God, I thought watching those people screaming from that burning building was the most incredible thing I was going to see tonight

when I saw your fucking wig catch on fire, pull it off your fucking head, and you went from 26 to 48 right in front of my eyes. Who is this outsider, huh, this carpet bagger? Do you realize what a big deal it was back in the day when a stranger moved to town? Because, you know, there was no way to vet anybody. You didn't know what the fuck was coming to town. You know, is this a serial killer? Is this person wanted? Is this a war criminal? Did this person escape from jail? Did they just rob a bank?

Are they a Scientologist? Are they a Mormon? Are they a Jehovah's Witness? Who is this guy and what the fuck's going on with this? There's something not right about him. I can't figure out what the fuck it is. And they're all gossiping about you. They're smiling to your face. What is he? I bet he killed somebody. I don't know something about him. Something in his eyes. Seeing like, there's something in his eyes. I don't know what the fuck's wrong with him.

There's something going on with that fucking guy. Then everybody starts talking and shit, you know, people are drinking. We ought to get fucking rid of him. I liked this town before it came. When you could just walk down the street and not worry about some motherfucker with some weird look on his face. We ought to string him up, right? And then they fucking go down and they grab the motherfucker and they right as they put the rope around his head and he's screaming and yelling, he's like, all right, I got a wig. I got a fucking wig. And that was it. And they took it off and all the townspeople laughed at him.

Then they tarred and feathered the top of his head and they tied his fucking arms behind his back and they slapped that horse on the ass and he was on the way to the next fucking town. And that's the way it was. That's the way America was back in the day, you know? And, you know, as difficult as that is, it is a part of our history. It is kind of funny that people used to live a life like that. And you listen to what people complain about today and it all pales in comparison. To ride not a town on a horse you can't fucking control with the top of your skull tarred and feathered. All right, this has been another episode.

What are those fucking history? Have you ever listened to one of those fucking history podcasts? They tried to say that there was an entire field of skulls and bones still existing in Russia. Here you go there. It's really intense fucking talking. And it took me like two fucking Google searches to be like, yeah, that field doesn't exist. And even if that wasn't true, I want, the guy was so fucking intense, it just annoyed me. It's like, why are you taking on the intensity of this battle as though you fought it? You didn't fight this fucking thing, all right?

So why don't you bring your voice up a couple of fucking octaves to the way you normally talk. And these people, they came in, yeah, and they had their fucking shit on their bare feet. This man beat this guy to death with a femur. If you're going to beat somebody to death with a human bone, you'd think you'd want the femur. Yeah, I think you'd want the femur if the guy was far enough away and you could get some sort of extension. All right? Other than that, you got to go humors. Okay, it's the second biggest bone.

It's an easier thing to swing. It's better, you know, you can kind of also jab somebody in the face with it. Femur's a little too big for my taste. You know, ladies, you might go with a radius and an ulna. You know, come in a little nunchuck thing, you can put some chains between the two of them. This is all things we're going to have to deal with in about, I guess, 30 years with global warming. As the world goes to hell in a fucking handbasket. You know what's great about if you don't watch the news, you think everything's fine.

It's a great experiment because I've spent a lot of time paying attention to the news periods in my life and all I did was get freaked out and nothing changed and nothing got better. But if you don't pay attention and you just sit there and you just, I don't know, watch sports. You can't even watch sports because they drag it into that shit now every fucking five seconds. Somebody's dying or something. They're bringing a troop out, a fucking firefighter, you know, something. There's always something. Hey, what are you enjoying the game? Well, let us remind you how lucky you are. We know how lucky we are.

How many fucking times? Ladies and gentlemen, direct your attention to section 203. Some guy got attacked by a fucking pack of wild fucking toads of some shit. Now I got to sit there and look at this fucking guy with his wart covered face. It's one of them stores makes you hold your kid a little, a little closer, hug him a little tighter. Anyways, I'm going to fly a cello copter tomorrow. Can't wait. I haven't done that in a minute. And I'm going to do that early in the morning.

And then I'm going to go in and I'm going to start working on this fucking script. That's what I'm going to do. Bill, how's the pull ups coming? We know you've been, your shoulders have been slowly disintegrating and you've been trying to build them up. I actually let pull downs. I'm up to 120 pounds, you know, which is huge coming back from rotator cuff fucking injury when you're in your 50s. So all I need to do is be able to do like three sets of 15 and then I ought to be able to try one or two pull ups with my own body weight. That's what I've been told. So I got a ways to go, but a little bit of daylight there because I got that bet with Verzi, the pride of New Jersey.

All right, the Newark native, the Trenton T Totaler that I won't be able to do 10 pull ups when I'm 70. Okay. So he's, he's out of his fucking mind because I will do fucking, I'll do that stem cell shit into my shoulders just to fucking win that bet. And stem cells is basically it's a hair transplant for your fucking shoulders, right? Isn't that how it works? It's so funny, all these fucking people doing all this shit to try to live longer. You know what I mean? It's like, I was trying to, somebody asked me the other day, like, when do you think the perfect time to be born was? And I would say somewhere in the 1940s. So you miss out on World War Two, you miss out on the Korean conflict.

Then you got Vietnam, right? But if you can somehow get out of that, as far as, you know, you got to live in some great decades. You still got to enjoy the four seasons. You know, things get didn't get too fucked up until like the late 60s. Then I got to be honest with you, though, being born in the 60s and being a kid in the 70s, a teenager in the 80s and in my 20s and my 90s. That's a pretty good ride. Maybe everybody thinks that because they're young. I don't know. I'm just sick of these fucking people coming up to me who aren't scientists telling me when the world is going to end.

It's like, I get it. I get it. I got it. Shit is fucked up. Please, for the love of God, I'm, I have a kid. All right, I'm trying to block that out. Because that's all, oh my God, this podcast just took a dark fucking turn. Oh, maybe I could sing you a song. The sun will come out tomorrow and it'll be a little hotter than fucking yesterday. And then you're done. You're shriking up out. Liverpool keeps winning and so does Man City. This has been one of the most boring things I've ever watched in sports because knowing that these are the two best teams and they're never going to fucking play each other in some sort of series to figure it out. Just like, hey, you know, I'm going to shadowbox over here. Well, I'm shadowboxing over here and somehow we're fighting each other. I don't know. I just don't fucking understand that game. No, I get the game now. I understand it more. I just don't understand like that's how you decide who's the fucking champion.

Everything else is the top two fucking people at least go out and kick the shit out of each other and whoever's left standing wins. Not in soccer. Not in soccer when fucking tripping somebody makes them roll around. You think you literally think they're on fire. But anyways, I'm still rooting for Liverpool. I'm basically rooting for man, not for Liverpool to beat Man City because they're not going to play each other now anymore. I'm just rooting for Man City to not win against an opponent that isn't Liverpool while Liverpool wins an opponent that isn't Man City. Oh, that's exciting. I can see why the world is into this game. Then I give me some hate mail. Alright. I'll look who is here, all set. Hiring used to be hard and it was so much harder for a woman.

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oh, fuck, I don't want to meet these guys in playoffs, we just fucking chill. We just chill and let them score like four, five, six fucking goals. And now we got Tampa right where we want them, okay? They've won more goddamn games and scored more fucking points than anybody since 1995. And these fucking goddamn, you know, blue and white cunts from the Sunshine State really think that they're going to fucking skate their way to the Stanley Cup. Well, I got news for you. After we get done playing patty cake with the fucking Toronto Maple Leafs,

goddamn fucking asses, all right, we're going to be there. All right, our next round, maybe two rounds, yeah, with their fucking record, all right. All right, and then we're going to beat somebody else. And then we're going to be there. All right, and we're going to do the exact same fucking thing, you know, and we'll lose four games straight to you and then your heads will not, you barely be able to get your fucking helmets on. Then you're going to get the old right there, Fred.

From my pick in the West, having watched no hockey this year, I'm going to pick the Nashville Predators. They got kind of close to last few years. Everyone's writing them off this year. Hey, why not them? How about the San Jose Sharks? How about for once? They fucking push through.

The San Jose Sharks don't win the fucking Stanley Cup this fucking year. I know Carlson's got to get healthy. Why don't they just fucking turn their names to the fucking dolphins? You know, the porpoises, every time they score a goal, you make that little fucking noise, you know, they should change the logo to a dolphin and then they, and the dolphin with its little flippers retapes that stick back together that the fucking, the shark bit in half.

I think that that's half their problem. It's their fucking logo. Is the referee see it and then they just start calling slashing because they see a stick being broken, and obviously that must have been what happened, right? Brooklyn Nets made the playoffs, and the Houston Rockets scored 27, hit 27 three-pointers tonight.

None of these teams could fucking beat the fucking 83 Milwaukee Bucks, but you know, it's a different game. Dodgers are scoring a bunch of runs. There's a lot of stuff happening. I missed all of it. I had family in town. Family in town from bad local needs. All right, where do we go from here?

No booze in 19 weeks. You know, not what a fucking breakup that was. Thank God I'm not a fucking weak alcoholic. I fucking find 40 people listening to my stupid fucking stories. I like those people that have been sober for like 30 fucking 40 years. A boring of their stories at that point is sitting there telling drunk stories from fucking back in the day. I remember it was Eisenhower had just been elected,

and I was coming back from a sock hop buying gold, and I went to the White's only fountain, and I took out a flash. All right, buying gold. Dear Billy Throwback was listening to an old podcast where you said you were going to buy gold because the economy was unstable. Oh yeah, it was a little unstable.

Yeah, it was 10 years ago. Yeah, I would say it was a little unstable. I'd say I had my finger on the pulse a year after the big fucking crash. Two years at that point. Did you ever buy gold to stash away in case our currency crashed? Why would I say that on the podcast? I think some people are treating Bitcoin in the same way. Thanks and go fuck yourself.

Yeah, I thought about doing that until I found out how fucking difficult it is to buy gold coins. It's very hard to get your hands on some gold. And then I just realized, you know, if I have a fucking gold coin, what am I going to do with it? So say the dollar crashes and nobody has any money, and then I'm walking down the street with a bag of gold coins. Nobody has any money, they can't pay anybody,

and that is a guy from the sandwich store going to fucking show up, also known as a deli. Is he going to show up at the deli and I'm going to come walking in as he's not getting paid, and then I have a gold coin, and is he going to give me fucking change for that? Somebody told me we'll get some silver coins, they're not worth as much. You know something, I don't need that fucking headache.

If you got gold coins, what you want to do is trade that in for some fucking cyanide pills, okay? And then when everything goes to shit and people are coming up your driveway, you know, like you're in that fucking movie, Us, yeah, you just fucking, you take your, you kill me pills. I think that's the way to do it. You know, get a flat screen TV on all four walls

of every fucking room you have, just blow out the fucking ozone layer as much as you can, and when the shit goes to hell, you know, just watch it on all your TVs, and you know, when you recognize the helicopter surveillance footage and you're like, oh fuck, that's my house, so they're right outside, then you take your pills. Or you get a panic room.

You build a panic room. Yeah, but I think it's still smoky out, I would think. There's always a way in. I think what you do, I like the underground shit. I think that's the way to go. When people take, you know, basically, you know those shit that they unload from those fucking ships down at the wharf and then they stick them on the back of a truck,

18 wheeler chassis, you know, those things. From the second season of The Wire, they find all those fucking poor people in there, right? Spoiler alert. The second season of The Wire from fucking 15 years ago. I like the people, they get those things buried. But the problem is, the problem is you got to dig the hole yourself

because if you hire a contractor with a backhoe, you know, sorry, just you on there. He's going to be asking all kinds of questions. Well, what are you doing here, man? Are you fucking, are you making a lap pool or something? No, I just need, are you getting ready, ex-wife? Oh, shit. Nah, people would figure it out.

Honestly, that's the way you kill your wife. You know, because they always say they never, they never dig lower than like six feet. Whenever you watch all those murders she wrote, unsolved fucking, that murders she wrote, what are those, unsolved murder fucking, the first 48. They're always burying people in a shallow grave and they always get fucking caught.

They just dump it in the woods. Just shoddy. All the fucking times, they're not dot all your eyes and cross all your T's. When you dump in a fucking body, you know, if you just didn't kill somebody in a crime of passion, if you're actually premeditating the fucking, you dig the hole first

and go lower than fucking, you know, go lower than six feet. You got all fucking dead persons alive and we alive for a long fucking time. You got all fucking just, go down 10 feet. 10 fucking feet, right? That's what you do. You go cool hand Luke times like fucking three.

You fucking, I'm going to fucking a lunatics around. Can you imagine digging a fucking hole for somebody that you know you're going to kill? You're not in the middle of digging that hole going, what the fuck am I doing? Why don't I find another fucking, why don't I just, you know, fight the guy? Why don't I just let it go?

And I'll go have a couple of fucking bears or something like that. I'm going to kill this person and then risk going to jail for life and then having to join. Then at that point, you know, then what do you do? You're a white dude. You just killed somebody. Now you got to go through the pain in the ass of fucking going to the prison library

and cramming on Adolf Hitler so you can come off as a legit Nazi and join the fucking Aryan Brotherhood. And then you got to listen to that dumb shit every fucking day for the rest of your life, you know? You think an AA meeting is bad when you're just a binge drinker, man. Wait till you fucking try that shit.

What just happened to my headphones? Everything was good. Now I can't hear myself. Hello, hello? Is it still going? What happened? I literally just moved? Oh God, don't do this to me. It's having such a fun time

and then all of a sudden I can't hear myself. Oh, I see what happened. I moved and the wire turned the volume down. You guys were all panicking there. Oh Christ, this fucking guy with no producer. He's not going to be able to figure it out because my fucking laptop is losing its charge. Nah, fucking I can't move over here

because my headphone cord is too short. You know, you wouldn't think that I'm 10 years into this podcast listening to these fucking technology fucking problems. Every fucking person that I started out with started doing a podcast. They fucking built some Howard Stern level studio or some version of it.

You know what I mean? I'm like the Native American of fucking podcasting. You know, they just live the same way essentially. At least that's what the history books say. You know, they just fucking, this is how you kill a deer and this is how you use all of it. All right? I mean, you want to, these fucking, you know, it's fucking hilarious.

All these fucking douchebag white people out there fucking with their stupid ideas about minimalism acting like they came up with that shit. What the Native Americans? Can the fuck, this motherfucking goddamn fucking, who the fuck came up with the, no, I don't do this anymore. That's it right there.

Goes to floor number four and then that's it. Who the fuck came up with this stupid fucking magnet? Fucking plug on the goddamn Apple computer. Stupid fucking cunts. Have you ever seen the Apple building, by the way? There's so many fucking companies. They're just out of control.

They're fucking, it looks like the Pentagon. No, it doesn't build to circle. The Pentagon is a, I just realized as far as shapes go, how dumb that sounded. I saw this round building. You know what it looked like to me? The Pentagon.

Hey, who went to summer school for math almost every fucking year. This guy, this guy. Who's a fucking stupid fuck? Fucking assholes. Stupid magnet. You know how many fucking times I've had to replug that thing in? Do you understand as a person living in a first world country

that that's the most difficult thing I have to deal with? Can't imagine the sad person that makes this fucking plug. How funny is it that they go off to comedians for jokes and all these fucking goddamn companies having like sweatshop labor and that's all fine. That's all fine. Well, if we made the computers here, that'd cost 90 million dollars.

No, they wouldn't. They wouldn't. If you actually paid people and you paid and gave them benefits and you took it out of your end, you know the way you say that? Well, we could make shirts here, but they'd cost $700 each. It's like, how little are you paying people

to sew these things together? Because they're not going to take a pay cut because they're going to stay in their yacht with their mountain of cocaine and their fucking horse. That's the biggest problem with the fucking world is horse will fuck anything if it has money. Maybe if horse had standards, all of these fucking guys wouldn't be fucking doing whatever it takes

doing whatever it takes to get a fine piece of fucking pussy that never did anything other than suck my dick, sit next to me on my yacht with my fucking name stitched into the fucking seats. Oh, is there anything better than when a yacht sinks other than the crew? Oh, it's just my favorite thing ever. It just doesn't happen enough.

It just doesn't happen enough, you know. Can you imagine that you're sleeping in the bowels of that thing like the things you had to do to get that fucking yacht and all of a sudden you start taking on water and the radio isn't working. And for the first time in years, you're thinking about a higher power and all the sins you have to fucking confess to.

How fast are you fucking yammering as you start to feel the water coming up around your fucking sheepskin fucking slippers? Whatever the fuck rich people have. Everybody can have sheepskin, Bill. Sheepskin's not expensive. All right, probably some endangered species. Baby seal fucking slippers would have been a better reference.

Whatever. Next podcast. I'll get it next podcast. Yeah, so I got into conspiracy theory and all of that type of shit, but I got into the scary part of conspiracy theory. I was reading about shit that was actually happening and then people's theories about it. I wasn't reading about shape shifters and fucking anything.

The government actually has a flying saucer in the area of 51. All that shit was just like, oh, really? Okay, whatever. I got more into the economies and banking and corporate greed and politicians and how the whole fucking thing works and offshore accounts and just all of this. I got into that stuff. I didn't get into, you know, we're actually aliens

that were dropped by a fucking flying saucer and they're watching us. It's a big experiment. I didn't get into that. The government has time machines and the former you's going to come. I never got into that fucking crazy shit. Build a burg and stuff like that. That did fascinate me.

I did get into that shit and then after a while, I just became this fucking person who wouldn't stop talking about it and I annoyed the fuck out of everybody and I had enough of a need to be like that. I said, all right, all right, I'm with you guys. Back to the ignorant masses. I went back. Not that I was informed, but I was part of the other thing.

I just got back to the ignorant masses as opposed to the ignorant conspiracy theorists. Ignorant meaning just uninformed. Not stupid. All right. I went back to the ignorant masses. Hey, ladies and gentlemen, we have someone who was attacked by a pit bull

and survived a round of applause. He's wearing a pink dog collar for a titty cancer. All right, the golden age of TV sucks. All right, dear Billy Tube, I know they've dubbed this the golden age of television. Well, they would have to accurately call it the second golden age of television because the first golden age, I believe, was back in the 1950s

and the people who called it the golden age were the white people making the television for other white people, right? But any person says, I really hate it. Of course, I enjoy some of the shows that are coming out, but overall, I don't enjoy the experience. I hate having to select a show on a menu. It makes it that much easier for me

to change it 15 minutes in if I'm not impressed. Dude, I'm with you. I'm going back to reading. I like it better. I pick up a book, I read a little bit, I get sleepy, I go to sleep, done. Over, over. These fucking streaming services, you know,

God bless them. I know the kids love them and I'm old enough for me. I find it overwhelming. I keep saying, oh, buddy, am I going, you know, some of these streaming things, it reminds me of Robin Williams made this movie called Moscow on the Hudson. What I'm sure is on Netflix, Amazon, fucking Apple,

all these Disney, all these fucking places that stream HBO. And there's a scene, he defects from Russia, you know, where the stereotype was everybody had to stand in line in the black market, sorry, just hit the lamp here. And there weren't a lot of choices. So when he defects, the first time he goes to a supermarket

and he sees all the choices he has, he gets so overwhelmed that he faints. And that's basically, I mean, I don't faint, but when I go on like a streaming service thing, I get overwhelmed by the sheer amount of choices that most of my time on the streaming service, I spend scrolling through shit. And in the end, I just go, you know what, fuck this.

It's literally like, do you know, like when you got to do your taxes and for an entire year, you just threw every receipt into this box and there's no organization to it whatsoever. And then one day you got to open it up and you just, you don't even know where the fuck to begin. That's how I feel. So I am a big believer now in getting back,

I'm just going to try to get back into reading and I walk away from my phone now. I tried for a couple hours each day. I just, I just haven't, you know, shut off or somewhere else. And I got to be honest, I'm not missing anything. I've never had any sort of urgent call or anything or any opportunity that I missed.

And it's kind of nice to just sort of fucking walk away from it. And then when you come up to your phone after a couple hours, it's kind of exciting because you have all these fucking text messages so you can get right back and get a nice hit of the crack. It's kind of nice. It's kind of a nice thing. So if you've noticed a change in me, as I explore being sober,

I want you guys to know that I promise you I will continue to get more and more preachy. I'm going to be doing, I just feel like for me reading and being conscious of a higher power, how many people have said that while we're in like fucking red bottom shoes? That's one of my favorite characters out here in Hollywood, the caring whore.

It used to be the whore with a heart of gold. Now it's the caring whore. You ever heard of the giving tree? The sequel is the caring whore. All right. Slavery in Libya. I'm going to loan my Botox faced celebrity influencer Instagram page to this cause because I just feel like I just so totally just like.

Hey, I got to tell you so I was listening to Howard Stern the other day and he was doing this fucking thing about one of these bachelor shows and this guy had, I had never heard anybody say this. I learned this back when I was at Emerson College. Vocal fry. Vocal fry basically, it basically occurs when you're not pushing enough air through your voice box and it causes you to talk like this. And it's really weird because when people,

when they start to get more intense, they're still not pushing enough air and it just gets louder and it's really fucking annoying. He's wanting to take a fire hose and jam it down their fucking throat. So anyways, he was talking about this person on the show, this guy who had vocal fry and they were some, I don't know how the fuck they did this, but they started playing Lamigot and I love that band. But they were just playing the singer singing without any of the instruments and just his vocal track.

I was fucking dying laughing because it fits perfectly with the band and the band is fucking awesome and I love it. But when you just take that guy out by himself, like, I was fucking punching the steering wheel, I was laughing so hard. So if you guys can somehow find that, I haven't, well, I'll do a little search here, see if it's available to save you some fucking time if you're driving in your car here. Let's see here.

Howard Stern, Lamb of God, vocal track. Let's see if this comes up. Man, it doesn't. Oh, fuck you. It was the one of the great, I don't know. I'm sure somebody who knows how to search better than me. I'm not a searcher, I'm a thinker. Slavery in Libya.

Dear Billy Elect, have you heard about how much of a fuck show Libya is? Ever since Hillary Clinton brought down Gaddafi. Oh, did she do it? I didn't know she did that. That's the latest thing to blame her for. They had a complete breakdown in their already suffering society. All right. They have open air slavery.

Oh, you got to hate when it goes outside, you know, as long as it's inside. I think, you know, open air slavery. Jesus, that could get contagious. And it's got so bad that the US troops had to pull up because it wasn't safe for them. Now, the person gave me a link, but it was to the Washington Post. And then I got to read like half an article and they got me interested and then they're like, hey man, if you want to read the rest of this, why don't you subscribe? Oh my gosh, you dollar big boy.

So I had to go to some other site and try to figure out what the fuck's going on there. He said, it makes no sense that we do this shit other than someone powerful controls our armies to help their business interests. You know, you had such a great point to make and you left out some words. It makes words. It makes no sense that we do this shit other than someone powerful controls our armies to help their business interests. Yeah. Well, Libby is saying that is bullshit. They're saying this is just a smear campaign, which the world is so fucked up right now.

I would actually listen to that like, okay, now are we using this as an excuse to invade them? But it seems like we're leaving. I don't know. Are these people that are being enslaved? Are they lucky enough to be being enslaved on land that has a lot of oil underneath it? Because if it does, the cavalry is coming. It's just regular earth with dirt underneath it. Yeah, they're in trouble.

Yeah, it's fucked up. Well, this is one of these stories. I read a little bit about it. That's why I try not to look at this shit, which I know is not what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to stay informed and try to help fellow human beings. I don't know. I got to be honest with you. It was super depressing, the pictures and everything that I saw, and it just makes no sense to me that I get lucky enough to be born where I am and how I look.

I'm not saying I'm good looking. I'm saying I've got lucky enough to be born a white dude and what the fuck wrong thing that they do. They were born in a different part of the world, looked different. Nobody fucking wants them in their refugees. I don't know. It's a fucking shame and I have no idea how to stop it. If anybody has any suggestions. By the way, I'm still trying to set up a charity for a fucking local high school.

I can't believe how fucking difficult it is trying to find a fucking place to do it where I can also dictate where I want the money to go. Finding a high school to do a charity is not that difficult, but finding one that you can actually say, okay, now this is just going to go to this, right? This isn't going to go to the teacher's lounge fucking weed bank for spring break. All right, wife won't let me drive. Buddy, I got to tell you something right now. The uphill battle you're going to have with me through this next paragraph or shit that I'm going to read is trying to somehow win back my respect. All right, wife won't let you drive. The only way I respect you in this situation is if you're a fucking raging alcoholic, missing at least two, if not three limbs.

Other than that, I don't know. Did you lose your balls in a farming accident? Did John Cougar Mellencamp write a fucking song about your testes? All right, Bill, I'm in a very strange situation. My wife and I of seven years have not been getting along very well. In the last year or so, it's gotten worse. Well, you need to work on it, dude. You got to work on it.

It's hard, man. Marriage is work. We argue all the time, mainly because she starts fighting fights over everything. She doesn't respect me at all. And she's always comparing me to other guys she works with. Ooh, I was already a red flag when she fights over everything. This sounds like misdirected. I would say topic anger. She is mad at you or maybe she's mad at herself for marrying you and she doesn't. I don't know.

Anyways, last month, someone backed into me in a parking lot and dented my car a bit. She told me it was my fault for not being a responsible enough driver, even though it happened while I was 10 feet away in the already parked car. What? So now when we go places, she demands to drive because I'm not a strong enough driver. This clearly, this is to clearly emasculate me. I'm planning on filing for divorce, but I have to get my affairs in order first. Do you have any advice on how to deal with this? In the meantime, thanks.

All right, this is a Hail Mary. The Hail Mary is, you got to, this is possibly, might have to do with the way you conduct yourself in your business. And that's why she lost respect for you and she wants you to fucking man up so she's pushing your buttons to see if you got any man in you. I might be wrong. She might just hate you and ought to be banging somebody at work. All right, but the Hail Mary here, you know, I don't know. I think you got to fuck the shit out of her. You got to put one on her.

You got to dick her down, dude. That's what you got to do. Okay, you got to, you got to bring that fucking, you know, back from overseas dick. That's what you got to, you got to come at her with that. And if that doesn't get her fucking motor running again, then I think this is a wrap. But, um, yeah, at some point a long time ago, you should have put your foot down and been like, shut the fuck up. I'm driving my own car. If you don't want, you know, sit in the fucking back seat, deploy the airbag before we even go if you want.

I don't give a fuck. I'm driving. Go fuck yourself. Um, all right. Well, you're filing for divorce. It doesn't seem like there's any kids or whatever, but it's just like, I would just, I'd sit down and I'd ask her be like, can I ask you a question? I like, why, why are you fucking mad at me all the time?

And, and I got to be honest with you, sir, stop being, stop being such a bitch. Jesus Christ. It's your fucking car. What are you like an accountant? And she's like a up and coming MMA and you're worried she's going to kick the shit out of you. Then I understand that bad enough. She's driving your car. You don't have to put you in a fucking triangle, right?

Or worse, spin and backfist. Oh, that'd be the fucking worst. Right by the kitchen island, you know, whack your head on the corner of it, wake up covered in fruit loops and a broken cereal bowl. You can't have that. Can't have that. Um, yeah, that would be my instinct. I would stand up for myself and I would, uh, you know, do you remember when that dude in that movie, fuck that chick on the stairs?

You remember the one I'm talking about, right? A history of violence. Yeah, you got to come with the hitman dick. He was, uh, he was coming. He was given to the family man dick up until then overrated responsibilities. All right, overrated underrated for the week, overrated responsibilities. Bill, I've started streamlining my life and I don't do and deal with shit. I don't, uh, I don't deal with shit.

I want to what you guys do voice text these things. I've started streaming my life and I don't do and deal with shit. I want to. I don't even want to go with that. Do I have to fix this? I started streamlining my life. I don't do shit. I don't want to.

I don't do or deal with shit. I don't want to. I think is what he's trying to say. I recently changed companies and have a job that is lower on the totem pole, but pays more. What the fuck did you do that? I used to think I wanted to be a boss. I don't. Good man.

Smart man. I want to make money and have flexible hours. Have have flexible hours. He wrote it twice. He's so committed to this. Fuck your big goals, Bill Burr. Keep podcasting and find yourself a nice rocking chair. Um, well, I don't know why my goals should fucking affect you.

I like how the fact that I have big goals. I don't have big goals. I got a little freckled red goals and they're my goals. They're mining. How dare you? How I'm living my truth. Um, keep podcasting. Keep podcasting and find yourself a nice rocking chair.

Dude, if you don't fucking think that I'm not trying to work towards that, I've gotten way, way, way more fucking busier than I ever wanted to be. Ever wanted to be. I wanted to do all the shit that I'm doing, but I had no fucking idea how much time it took. And now that I know that I am stepping back. I am assessing the situation. Um, as fun as my life is this, there's nothing better than being an old, my wife or my kid. My funniest thing my kid's doing now right now is, uh, is when she knows she's going to

bed and all the things she tries to do to extend her time up. Oh, oh, oh, oh, brush teeth, brush teeth, you know, close the doors, close the doors. Oh, oh, oh, read a book, read book. Oh, oh, oh, read a book. She goes, oh, oh. And then he just sit there going, no, honey, it's time to go to bed, time to go to bed. And then she tries to cry, but she's not crying. She just goes, ah, like fucking Lucille ball, hilarious.

Um, but we still give her the little baba with the milk. And once she sees that, right, that's her scotch for the night. You know, um, anyways, uh, yeah, believe me, dude, believe me. If I could, if I could figure out a way to get off the fucking wheel, it's not how it works. So it's not how it works. They're not going to have a bunch of fucking people retiring at 50. They keep, they want to keep making money. What they do is like, all right, we're going to keep, they keep taking a bite out of your ass.

You know, the only way you retire at 50 is if you have some disease and you know you're going to be dead at 54. That's the only way I see how to do it. You know, and there's a little downsize your life, go live in a fucking trailer. And then what, as they constantly come up with new ways to fucking tax people, my nest egg, they'll, they'll go after it. Fucking Lee, they little, there's literally Americans right now, co-signing on taxing fellow Americans, 70% on fucking earned income. Honest fucking Americans as they look the other way on $20 trillion in untaxed, evil fucking non-tax paying American cunts money, sitting in the fucking Cayman Islands. That's too much of a hassle.

They don't want to take the fucking bag all the way to the curb. They're going to sit on the couch and fucking pick up some regular dude off. Go fuck yourself. Um, anyways, I don't, good, good for you, buddy. If you can figure out how to do it, if you can figure out how to do it. And I would say one of the biggest things you want to streamline your life is do not have a woman in your fucking life. Because they cannot stop buying shit. It's, it's insane.

It is fucking insane. And whoever came up with the mall is a fucking genius because that shit is just visual fucking crack to most women. Just walking meander and around those things. What do you think about this? Does this look cute? I encourage you to, you should get it. You look so, oh my God, you should totally get that. Fucking dopes and all they do is sit there saying that they should, you know, hey ladies,

maybe you should earn the same amount as a man to do the same job when you can show yourself to be a little more fiscally responsible. What do you want to make? Can you imagine if I said this at a woman's college? God, I miss doing college kicks. Um, ladies, maybe, you know, if you didn't fucking buy something off of Amazon every fucking two days, maybe then, maybe then Uncle Sam would give you more money. I don't even know if that's even fucking true that they make less money.

I don't know. I can tell you right now if they got paid by the world word, they fucking run the world. Oh, Jesus, Bill. Come on, let's, let's not do, let's not do this. Let's keep it happy. Okay. It's almost Easter. Isn't it Easter Bunny's out.

Do be do be do and he's hopping around like a fucking freak. Who wants a fucking chocolate egg? You know, I never had the balls to try a Cadbury egg. I was always confused. I thought it was a real egg. I didn't understand that there was some sort of, I would guess some sort of custard. All right, we're going to end this podcast by finally finding out what the fuck it was so weird. They had that goddamn rabbit.

Cadbury eggs. What is in them? I gotta be the dumbest person on the fucking internet. A Cadbury egg is a chocolate confection. Okay. Hang on a second. What is confection? Confection, a dish or delicacy made with sweet ingredients.

Oh, you mean candy? Okay. Thank you. A Cadbury cream egg is a chocolate confection produced in the shape of an egg. All right. So it's just a dessert. They have it in the shape of an egg originating from the British chocolate here Cadbury. You make chocolate.

Oh, excuse me, boy. I have a chocolate hair. The product consists of thick chocolate shell. Okay. Here's what we need. Housing the sweet white and yellow fondant filling, which, okay. What's fondant? Sounds like it would come out of a fountain and be a bunch of chicks dipped and shit into

it. Fondant technologies. Wait a minute. Fondant is the most popular cake decoration topping. It can be colored and easily shaped. The fuck is what is in fondant? Fondant. I spelled it wrong.

Fondant is a type of icing. Fondant can refer to two types of sugar-based pastes used in preparing decorating cakes, pastes, confections. Is that fucking word again? Confection. I feel like a fucking, I'm on a sleuth right now for desserts. Fondant filling, which mimics the albumen. What is, this is fucking insane.

Albumen. I spelled that right. M-E-N, not M-A-N. Albumen, the white of an egg. Okay. Let's put this in layman's term. A Cadbury cream egg is a chocolate dessert produced in the shape of an egg, originating from the British chocolate guy's Cadbury.

The product consists of a thick chocolate shell housing a sweet yellow icing filling, which mimics the egg yolk white, no, the white egg white and yolk of a chicken egg. There. Now I know what the fuck it is. Should I do an Instagram video of me actually eating one of those fucking things? God almighty. Who the fuck thought of that? It's kind of creative.

Then they have the fucking, it was always threw me off. I always thought it was a fucking egg, but you know what, hats off to those chocolate tears because you fooled me for fucking 30 years. I thought it was a fucking egg. All right. I know you're never going to get those fucking four minutes back, will you? I apologize. I'll do a benefit for all of you.

Okay. For your living your truth. All right. Fuck yourselves. I'll check it on you on Thursday. Stanley Cup playoffs, F1, MLB, NBA playoffs, MotoGP. The exciting conclusion to Premier League soccer. Well, the two best teams are in a collision course to not play each other.

All right. I'll see you Thursday. Thank you.