Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-9-12

Episode Date: April 9, 2012

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill sits down with the one and only Dom Irrera for some friendly conversation.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, April 9th, 2012. And we're going to do something a little different this week, rather than me just sitting here in my pajamas. Ranting and raving. I decided that I would get clothed this week and have a friend of mine come by. The one and only Dom I Rara, everybody. Thank you, everybody. Do you mind if I get undressed? I would feel more comfortable doing this show. I like in the nude. In the nude. In the nude. Not just naked. In the nude. I think it's very fitting that I'm with Diego Bastard like you when we're sitting here drinking the vino. Enough and nothing, you mick prick, but let me tell you something. It is funny, isn't it,

that I bring red wine over with a little glass, a little. You're doing. I was embarrassed that I only had one red wine glass. And the fact that the only thing I've had here is some stuff I brought over and you had a delicious sushi dinner. Okay, let me tell you this. I thought I thought I told Dom to come here at 7 30. So me and Nia ordered some sushi and evidently I said seven and this guy's Johnny on the spot seven o'clock right as a sushi professional professional. I think I delivered it. Didn't I? I know. And then you showed up. The only thing I could offer you was the fucking wine that you brought. Do you want some edamame with your wine? You said to me. Well, listen, let's let's quit fucking around here. Let's get serious about comedy. You know,

yeah, let's sit down. I want to know about your process when you sit down, Dom, when we're going to talk about comedy here talking about my instrument, how I tune my instrument. We're going to talk about two comedians. We're going to sit here for an hour, right, and talk about the logistics. Is that the right word? You can use that word. Yeah. When you put the pen to the paper. Did you see the you got a little heavy now, though. Did you see the masters today? I did. And were you happy that Bubba Bubba Watson want it? You know, I like seeing different people when the thing that's amazing to me is the nerves it takes when you know, Fred reminds the scratch golfer, he goes, the one guy goes, Why don't you turn pro? He goes, You have no idea the difference

between me being alone out on a course, you know, hitting the 70 when compared to, you know, millions of people looking at you. Yeah, you know, what blows my mind at those those those PGA things is when those guys go to tee off and they hit it like 300 miles an hour, all those people standing just off to the right and the left sitting in their face just like they really trust that they're looking for a subway to come. Yeah, yeah. Like what Bubba shot there when he was he was in the pine needles. I mean, everyone was staying there. There was a guy sitting there like a camera, like the level of faith that they have the one guy did get hit today. Did you know I saw him get hit yesterday. I saw a guy get hit yesterday. Oh, dude, it was like a delayed

reaction. This old guy hit like center mass. You couldn't see because those people but it was low enough where it wasn't his head. Yeah. And it looked like he was walking around looking for the ball and all of a sudden he just sort of collapsed by his tree. And then the answer just goes, Oh, dear, somebody got hurt and just whispered it. What I wonder what happened if somebody got killed like I got hit in the temple. You think they'd stop the match after they took the ambulance took the body away? No, I think that they would keep going but and not say that he was dead. It would ruin doesn't look good. Yeah, it would ruin spectate the spectate the spectator part of it. We didn't have to all be wearing helmets and stuff like that. Years later, people goggles. Yeah,

years later, people would watch it on YouTube the way you watch like a goalie back in the day that didn't wear a mask. This guy's out of his fucking mind. They're in the fairway. And you play golf? No, I don't. I I appreciate the game. But I'm just being a no pigment Irishman. I mean, by the fourth hole, I don't give a fuck. It sounds great. You go out there with your friends, right? Yeah, you get a 12 pack and you know, you just we could make a lot of money because they had like the celebrity things that you could go on. They you've gotten offers the golf of people, right? Yeah, maybe carrying somebody's bags. No, haven't you got those kind of things? I mean, celebrity golf. No, I'm out of that loop. Well, I'd have to go out there with some big like

Hannibal Lecter sun hat that he wore like at the end of the movie. But if they had if they had nighttime golf, golfing, I would do it. I have friends that golf a lot. And I just don't want to suck at something else at this age. You know what I mean? So I stick I stick I'm close to the vest. I shoot pool and I play ping pong. Because I love ending up where I started. I mean, there's no big thing. People go you play ping pong. Like, what are you a half a fag with my I don't play like standing there with a beer in my hand. I play like, you know, you put some spin on it. I put some spin on mother. You know, you know who you got to you got to play is Jimmy door. Is he good Jimmy door? Jimmy door invite show over, you know,

the hilarious Jimmy door brings you invite show if you think you're just going over there to, you know, have some burgers at his lovely place. And really, he's he's just sick of beating everybody in his neighborhood. And he talks shit. Where's he at? Like Silverlake or I don't want out where he's at because we're like this is about as far as I'll go only because I love you. This is far as a moth. These fucking goddamn fucking moths. You know, you're old when you have to buy a cedar chest, the chest of drawers, because they're eating at your old man's sweaters. I wear the v-neck sweaters now on stage. I go with that with the t-shirt underneath the casual look. Yeah, I'm trying to disguise how much I dropped the F bomb in my act. I figure if I dress how many how

many how many you have for every 15 minutes. I usually do four days when I go out. So I got four different colors. Maybe I'll switch it up with a button down just so the wait staff doesn't start snickering at me off the record. I always thought you were a sharp dresser off the record. I'll take that. I mean, again, even that maroon goes good with your eyes. Well, you know, I mean, I knew you were coming over. I appreciate that. Appreciate the look. Listen, that fucking guy today who won that thing. Okay, I'm sitting there. The the the fucking golf thing. I'm why I watch it every year. I think it's awesome, right? But I'm looking at the guy and I'm texting back and forth my buddy Paul Versey back east and when when he hit it off that that pine needle thing was

amazing. Yeah, and it curved. Oh, yeah, insane. And went right to right, you know, landed right there and then he to goes in two parts and wins it. He said that that was the equivalent to when Eli threw that pass to Manningham. And I was just like, dude, Manningham. Oh, this year. Yeah, it's like, Don't compare like real sports to golf. Now golf is just like a giant pool table. Yeah, it's a three hour mindfuck. I will give you that. But it's just like Eli had a 300 pound guy in his face taken you know, shot to the head. It's it's not. This is what kills this is what the thing about golf. First of all, did you saw a bubble when he won? He's got that double chin. Yeah, seventh grader arms. He took a lesson in his life. And Tiger Woods is on the course and

so is Phil Mickelson. So that's like Gretzky and fucking Mario Lemieux are out there and he beat him. Yeah, it's like, I know guys who suck at sports like really bad like you throw in the ball and they like tense up right. It's one guy I know like when he goes to shoot hoop. It's the fucking it's like the greatest like a physical comedy you ever seen he bites his bottom lip, and he holds the ball right in front of his face so he can't even see the rim and at the last second he bends both his wrist so he can see it for a half a second and then throws a line drive and it hits the under part of the rim. That's how bad this guy is. He gets on a golf course, he can compete. He can hit it straight. And I'm saying he kills guys and wins money out there. But

to watch him hit a golf ball, you'd have no idea that if you like going to play softball, hey, let's see you hit a golf ball. All right, let's get this guy out there. This guy struck out. I worked with him. He struck out slow pitch softball with a girl underhanded struck out. To the point he was so embarrassed. I remember later on that night. This is how long ago was he got me wine coolers. It was the 80s. Disgusting. Oh, they were horrible. But you was psychic few underage. He was like, and I was like, this sounds like a getting molested story. But I swear to God, it was he I had to go back and I threw him pitches until it was dark out. I think it was the next night the next night I did it. He was so fucking embarrassed. He struck out three

times and everyone was giving him shit at work. But this guy can go to the golf course. So I think bowling, golf pool, I know people have said this before, but after watching that guy win today, I you know, I totally respect the game. I think it's definitely one of the things about golf is you can also be a normal person. And I mean, like basketball, you can't be normal. You're how many 610 guys did you see today? You know, yeah, when you go to the mall, how many 610 guys you see none? Because it's so it's such a freak game. The guys that are small or even freaks because their quickness is beyond belief. Like John Stockton his hands were twice as big as ours. There's always something freaky about right something spitting. Yeah, but in golf you can be

like pretty much a normal guy for some reason you got that you can whack that ball whatever it is the torque the physics behind it. All golfers they're all like almost in shape. Right? I mean, they got a little bit of pecs, but they got a little bit of a belly. Dude, if you can kill that fucking mothman, I've been killing him every goddamn week. Oh, shit. How did you miss that? I didn't miss it. I hit it. I did. I stunned him. I said, but he bell rang. He looked at me. You see him look at me. What? How much of a dick am I? I got you over here. You brought the wine. I didn't offer you any nourishment. I got moths now, eating at my clothing. And I'm giving you shit about it. And I was always good to you, Bill. I took care of you and back in the day.

No, early on, you were really mean to me. Get the fuck out of here. You used to bully me. Yeah, right. You did. Yeah. When I was in the comedy locker room and you came in and snapped the towels way back in the day. Yeah, that was just horseplay. We had some horseplay. It was horseplay. Yeah. Well, nowadays it's considered hazing. You know, I have a friend who's prosecuting that Sandusky case. Oh, yeah. He went off the other day. He went on television. He went off on Sandusky and his lawyer. By the way, not to be egotistical. This is pretty funny about Sandusky's lawyer. I said, what an idiot that guy is. Because I say such a moron. Okay. And he goes and my friend Joe goes, I got to tell you something, Dom. He's a big fan of yours.

If they say what an idiot he is, I'm not finished. He does have good taste in comedy. How many times that's a great thing to bring up though. How many times have you made fun of somebody in your act? They like a cartoon to you. And then all of a sudden, you know, five, six years later, you're standing in the room with them. Oh, yeah. And then you just then you're just going, Oh my God, did they hear what I said? Well, one of my first jokes that was a closer joke in my act was before I did the tonight show, I did star search. Right. Now, when you did the tonight show was it Leno or no, it was Carson Carson. So but I did the station. But before I did tonight show, after I done star search, I had a joke about Ed McMahon. The joke was kind of

went like, I said, I mean, Ed McMahon, I said, I'm thrilled 35 years in business. What do I say to him? They call him Ed, I call him Mr. Ed, they call Mr. E, Mr. Eddie McMahon, Mr. You big, fat, lucky, talentless, home, kissing Johnny's ass for the last 30 years, you Budweiser sucked in outposts, slinging nothing. What do you do? I don't mean that to bear with. But that was the joke. And he comes up to me right before I go on to say hi to me. Now, I didn't know that he thought the joke was funny that he had seen me that he knew who I was. And he pulls me towards it. I'm thinking, oh, shit, Ed McMahon is going to slide guy too, right? Real big. Yeah, six four, you know, and he was strong, then this was this one before he got kind of shrunken and older. And I thought,

man, Ed McMahon is going to sucker me. And I got to go on stun my first tonight show set. You know, but I'm sorry. What did he say? Well, what do you say? He just said he'd have a great set. And, you know, he was just very nice. You know, but now he had he heard the bitter. He had, but I didn't know he had any his daughter told me he had. And then we worked together at the Philadelphia Academy of Music doing some benefit. And he told me he loved a bit. You know, he thought it was funny. So see, yeah, we got to love a guy who was like comfortable with, uh, yeah, with where he's at. I mean, he's big enough that you that he's famous enough that it's funny. So in that sense, you don't do jokes about not to talk about comedy, but how fucking nerve wracking

was it to do the tonight show with Johnny Carson? Because there was that whole thing that you couldn't just go out and have a good. Yeah, he had to get he had to get the okay sign okay was like you did good thumbs up. It was the imprimatur of comedy. I mean, it was like, and you know, most of the time you got called over either because he wanted you over there or because of timing. And you know, that guy, uh, who's that comedian that really alcohol comedian from Boston, Teddy Bergeron. Yeah. And then with no offense to Teddy, but he got it. He got it. I get it. I can't open my hand. I can't open my hand because I got it. Well, just keep squeezing your hand. Was he there? He got fucking crawled away again. Sorry. I tell you, he's indestructible.

He looked at me like you got to bring more to the table. He's got more to the table than that, baby. But Teddy apparently did too long. So they brought him over to the thing. You know, but what what you were asking me before is an interesting thing because there was no fun in it. There was no joy in it. All it was was a passing passing through some some worm tunnel. It was like the white Apollo in a way. But rather than the crowd, it was like he was going to boo you by just not bringing you over. Yeah. And I remember looking out into the hills in Burbank thinking, I'm going to run away. I'll start a new life up in the woods. I really did because I couldn't it was so there was no fun. My fucking head was panicked. You love the curse? Yeah, my head was pounding.

My my I never get headaches. My pounding headache. My heart was beating like a rabbits, you know. And then I got off. He gave me the thumbs. He told me we got to have you back. And that was how many like hours of just absolute relief is that must have just been unreal. Yeah, that's what I always I hope the amount of times I think that like why do I do this is you're standing there before you're going out like kids. I'm really actually a really introverted person before I started doing this shit. So now I'm just sort of a loudmouth asshole kind of grew into you know just from being on stage but like the first I would say like eight nine years of doing this shit. The amount of times I was just standing and waiting to go on in some fucking impossible

situation. Oh yeah, like Nick's third show or something. Yeah, we were around for those days at all the next next comedy stop. Boston I started at Nick's. Yeah, that was that was I mean, luckily the guys the Boston comics were good to me but that was a tough place. Oh, it's brutal. That was tough if you were from Boston. Third show Friday. Yeah, and then they would put like 10 fucking Boston headliners. Yeah, but see they took care of me, you know, like Gavin and Sweeney, they all looked out for me and they didn't try and bury me, you know, whatever for whatever reason, you know, we always got along. So it was different for me like, like I heard Richard Lewis was so upset because somebody's Sweeney goes follow that,

right? Follow that all my stuff, my esoteric stuff, Boston stuff. And Richard apparently hit under the seats to hit under the stage till everybody left. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know why they used to do that. But I guess they used to get territorial. It's really kind of a funny thing considering I didn't have to go through it. I wasn't from out of town. Yeah. The fact that they'd be like, you know, what do you need headliners for? We're here, we can close these shows and that you would because so many comics do when you go on the road try to bury you. But they never have the audacity to just say like follow that, you know, I have to say they always watched my back. They were always good to me. But does your then you ended up stealing from the

club? And what happened there? I stole from the club. Yeah, you don't remember that. Yeah. Yeah, well, I saw some cash that guy went out and what do you know? Does your audience know that you were the one I was part of the I'm sorry. That's all right. We got to do a commercial here anyways. Hang on one second. I'm going to fucking type in this stupid password. All right, here we go. Stamps.com everybody. Dom, I don't know if you've heard about this. Do you hate going to the post office? I hate it. I absolutely can't stand it. Why do you have a suggestion? Oh, you know, it wouldn't be great. Don if somehow you could have the post office within your own apartment.

Great. Be more be unbelievable. Be unbelievable. What if you can do it? You know, somebody that could do that. This guy stamps.com. You can print out what's his name? Stamps.com. It's a stamp. It's a stamp. Stamps.com. Stamps.com. I'm actually using this product. You print out stamps. They give you a scale. I send out my this is the excitement. Yeah. This is the hype. Oh, they give you a scale. Stamps.com. Yeah, you can you can weigh your packages or maybe the lady is saying, you know, have a little little foreplay with it. You can weigh them in in your house. You put you put on a little visor. Dude, it's awesome. Sounds like a great idea. It is awesome. Because every time every time I go down there, there's always some, you know,

I can't say the way I can't curse during these ads. I got in trouble last week because I dropped the C note. No, I don't go to the post office because I have a business manager, but you know, at your level, I guess you still like, oh, you want that behind the music stuff where they steal all your money. That's good. Did you sign away your power of attorney? Stamps.com. Everybody, if you if you act now and use my last name, burr, you can get a no risk trial plus $110 bonus offer that includes a free scale and $55 of free postage. Are you serious? I swear to God, that's don't wait, Dom. Go to Stamps.com before you do anything else before I can't finish the show. I can't I got to go out. I have to do is click the microphone on the top of the home page

and you type in my last name burr burr for the special offer for my listeners sick and tired. I get a flat free. They give me fresh microphones for every show. I'm gonna kill that moth like dead. You get a scale. Dead. You get a scale. Tell me what you get again. You get a scale to weigh the packages. Okay, you get $55 of free postage. Wow. That's actually, that's a hell of a deal. It's a very good deal. Yeah. And people are. Stamps.com. Stamps.com. It's a hell of a deal. That should be in that bumper sticker. Stamps.com. It's a hell of a deal. All right, back to the podcast here. Now, does your audience know that you were the one that I mean, I was the one that kind of sparked, not sparked, but kind of set you up a little and then when you did that brilliant rant

Camden. Oh, the Philly thing, Bill. Oh, yeah, you went you went on before. Yeah, you went on. You were one of the other ones who went to the and you also they started booing you and you didn't leave. But for some reason, they didn't put that on YouTube. Now, I told them that I make $12,000 in 10 minutes. Fuck you. No, I remember you standing there going like, Why would you think you guys could make me leave? And they actually paused from booing you for half a second. But it was only the people in the back. The thing I loved about you was you were like sticking up for me. And I thought that was really cool. And you went they booed Don Marara like, like, you're one of my heroes. Well, come on. I remember when I was in Boston, and somebody knew you a headliner, and was saying that,

yeah, you know, the other night, Don was in town, and we were shooting pool. And I remember thinking that that was the most he knows Dom I rara. So I was psyched to be working with you. And not to mention, do you remember that lineup that night? Yeah, the way that they would be because everyone went out there and there was that dance motherfucker vibe. Dude, as far as I can remember, it was Rich Voss, Tracy Morgan. Yeah, I remember Tracy, Triso Neil, you, Bobby Kelly, me, Jimmy Schubert, Jimmy Schubert, they booed Jimmy Schubert, they didn't let him say a word. He says, I bomb it. See, you can't bomb it. They don't let you talk. You can't bomb when it's still light and you're standing outside and half the crowd is sitting down. Right. That poor bastard brought

half his family there. But the funniest I know, you know, Jim Norton, Ralphie May. That was the show, dude. I'm telling you, when 20 years, people are going to look back at that lineup and be like, why were people getting booed? But they were drinking all day. It was crazy outside. So can I tell you something? My karma I deserved it because like in 1988, I went to go see Dice Clay at the Worcester Centrum at the height of that of the Dice stuff. And an unknown Eddie Griffin was opening for him. Worcester is a great town for comedy. Yeah, we were all booing. And I was booing too. Eddie Griffin. Yeah, Eddie. You were booing Eddie Griffin. He wasn't famous. I wasn't a comic. And I was doing that moron audience thing like, yeah, Dice is going to love us.

Because we're doing this. You know, because we want Dice to come on. And and Eddie Griffin stood there going, fuck you, motherfuckers, I'm not getting off stage. And people kind of like, whoa, oh, we thought you were just going to run off. And then he ended up killing doing that Michael Jackson thing that he did or something killed. He ended up turning it around and killed. So that's the thing about that Philly thing why I don't make such a big deal is because I was like, guys, a bunch of guys have done that. They just was no YouTube. Well, you told me that they expect you to do it after that. But I got to tell you the funniest line for some reason, fuck the Liberty Bell. I don't know why, but that made me cry laughing like, what the hell did you do? Fuck

the Liberty Bell. I hope he gets an ACL there. You haven't I was running out of shit. Flyers haven't won since Gerald Ford was president. But that's like that's like somebody in Boston yelling at somebody going, Hey, fuck Paul Revere. Like we give a shit. Right. Right. Hey, don't talk about our bell. Hey, don't talk about our tourist attractions like that. Fuck the duck boats, buddy. Yeah, that was one of another happy night on another happy night on the road when you got anything and I rumor has it that you're going to be starting up your own your own podcast. Yeah, rumor has it that I might be on a short list of guests that you're trying. Well, yeah, you said that you don't want to do it right away because we're talking now. But I want you to do

it as soon as you want to do it. It's going to be a Don Marrera live at the lab factory. I'll come down and do it might because you're a conversational guy. I just don't like when I go and I do somebody's podcast. And for an hour, we tell all our stories to each other, blah, blah, blah, and then hey, come and do my podcast next week. And then I it always feels like what I did for VH one where I wasn't on I love the 80s. I was on I love the 80s strikes back. So they had already talked about all the a level shit. Right. So when I came through, it was like, Do you remember what would you do for a Klondike bar? All the Eddie Murphy raw, all the back to the future, all that shit was gone. And it was like the really, do you remember a show called Square Pegs?

No, short live show. You got any comedy on that? It was really like, so that that's, that would be the reason why I don't do that dog. If you're wondering, I want to tell you, I really appreciate you breaking out your new shoes for this. These aren't new. I just don't wear them much because they look like bowling shoes. These are Todd's. They're, I was going to say 385 a shoe. 385 a shoe. That's how expensive they are. You have to be camp by a pair. I bought the first one. And then the other one I'm going to come back and get later. How do you write, Bill? What's your process? Well, you know what it is, is I try and go out and live a life. Okay. And it writes itself, you know, and as a comedian, you always have to be observing

things. You know, the newspaper, I read like 17 newspapers a day, dog. That's what I do. Wow. It's just because I want to see it from every angle. So you're more of an informative person than a comedian. You don't even go for laughs. Oh, no, no, no, no. Well, you've seen my sets down there. Don't yeah. Well, that's what I always loved about watching you on stage. I didn't go for a laugh. Yeah, your ability to just stand there and have them stare at me. Yeah. And just not walk off stage. It was amazing. I want the crowd thinking this is what I'm more of a motivational speaker. When they leave, when they leave my show, I want them to think, fuck, I could do that. So that's what I'm about. Are you with the laughs and the killing? Yeah. It's old, it's old school.

I like the teaching. You know what I love with comedians, say, true story, like that makes a difference. Like, like they're going to leave saver. Yeah, that was a true story. Yeah. But like, like, you're going out the end, they go, you know, a second guy, I didn't think he was funny about talk about integrity. My God, he was honest. I think those other guys made that shit up that really funny shit. Oh, but you know what I love is you you you still come down to work out and I always work out I feel like there's just a handful of us who once you start selling tickets on the roads will still go down. I don't know why guys take off nights like that. I mean, I understand it like if you're married and like I'm single right now. But even when I wasn't my girlfriend

didn't understand I go, Well, I'm trying to get better. Right. What do you think? I was like, you know, like you can't say like you like when I did the tonight show that was 1987. Right. That's a long time ago. You know, I could I mean, I have to practice. I can't let go like if you play basketball, you can't say to somebody, you know, I usually score 25 points a game. He's going, Well, you know what, pal, you scored four tonight. So, you know, I you want to be good. I mean, I know you have the same motivation that I have to keep improving. You're not you're not really competing against anybody else. Just compete with yourself. Hey, I'm competing with a lot of people. Who are you jealous of? Who really makes you angry success? You know, there's just something about you know

what it is. I've always been jealous. You like my my lack of weight, my slagger, my tough guy. Know about you as your your your arm wrestling abilities. We were talking about that last night, not to be a name drop or Renee Zell wager. Cute. You ever see her live? Beautiful. No, I've only seen her in the movies with that. That fucking guy looks like Phil Mickelson, but he's from England. You got to go with the hooker. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It should be like the $20,000. Yeah, the one that was that hooker's name like name is like Philip North. What the fuck was his name? No, I forget. I'm Harry Harrington. No, it's something Bobby bit man. Yeah, it was like a film Rosenthal. It was like some sort of rose. I thought he's the producer of

Miller's Raymond. No, he's what the fuck was his name? Harry Crumb. No, no, I'm terrible names. Harry. You're really terrible. It's not even close. You grant you grant. Harry Harrington, Hugh Grant. I knew something like that. What was the hooker's name? Remember? That would be a great memory. That'd be a great recall. It was like destiny. Yeah, it was one of those. Brown. Holy shit. You're good. I thought she was good with a question. No, I thought she was hot. She was hot. She was hot. She you know, and that's you know, that's one of the great things about being a hooker here in LA. Just like everybody at any moment. You don't know who you're going to run into. What exposure? A movie star. It was great exposure. How about the Eddie Murphy

thing with the transvestite? Was that ever proven though? Well, he I think I think it was proven that he you know, nobody could ever prove that he didn't know it was that he knew it was a man. But you don't go to Santa Monica Boulevard and pick up regular hookers. What if you're going just going to swing it by yum yum donuts? He just happened to meet me. Look, Eddie Murphy is a brilliant actor. But I mean, the thing is, by the way, what is with all the what what's the deal? What's the deal? What's up with the deal? What's the deal with all the doughnut places? Who are these people? And why do they eat so many doughnuts? I don't know. I don't have any doughnuts. I've never seen so many not only so many fucking doughnut shops out here,

but they're all like seem to be independently owned. And everyone has a different name. There's yum yum doughnuts. Go go. I know there are. Oh boy, I got some doughnuts and everybody out here works out who paste you with a whole pastry to hole in the middle. Your friend Renee Zellweger eat a dozen and then fucking yak him up. She's beautiful. Oh, yeah. What I was going to say at any point when you were talking to her, did she do some sort of touching of your arm or maybe tapped your knee and it just made you feel like a little boy again? Well, she has a very, very like her whole aura aura is really positive at her. Yes, her she is right in the middle of her chest. She has a centrally located she.

But you know how I met her. Let's talk about a name dropping thing. First on a Sunday night, I'm in Cleveland. It's snowing sideways. It was so bad out next day folks. It was snowing. I'm telling you it was snowing. Talk about snowing. I'll tell you it's coming right off the lake. It's a lake effect snow. It's not real snow. It's like effect. You see the difference? But I'm sitting in Cleveland. I'm looking out the window. I'm not even going to get out of here tomorrow. I had to go to a reading ready for this name drop city. Sean Penn had called me up. Jesus Christ, Dom. I know, wait, there's more to read jealousy to read with the Chazz commentary, the Nero Renee Zell wigger. Oh, go fuck yourself for what? For a movie,

a comedy movie about that. I was supposed to play the Nero's brother now short over Broadway. Yeah, bullets of row. No, this is like this is just last year. And then matter of fact, they called me a month ago to come in and read the rewrites with them. But I couldn't make it that bronchitis. But I'm sitting there and I've really turned into Woody Allen. Because at the end of the thing, I got, you know, I just got kind of a crush on Renee Zell wigger. And she's so pretty and so such a good actress. And she says you're really good. Because I hope I get to work with you, babe. And she said babe. And I went I was walking down a steps alone. I'm going she called me babe. Oh, yeah, babe. It's not unreal. Yeah, yeah, powerful, the power of a beautiful

woman. But if they're famous. Yeah, I did. I did a show one time and down Irvine down at the mall there. And the end of the show, this this woman came up and just really quickly shook my hand. And and then said really funny and then left. I'm telling you, it was like fucking electricity. Yeah, yeah, was in our hand. And it was it was the chick from the white snake videos who walked around the white dress. Yeah, yeah, still looking good. But like, I had no idea who she was. But she just had like that. Like there was no way she wasn't going to become famous. I'm telling you, dude, she shook my hand and it was like lightning bolt went through it. There's definitely energy to that. And she's like, I don't know, pushing 50. And there was all these other 20 something year old

hotties. And I'm watching her go out the door like who the fuck was that? Yeah, well, you know, it was hot like that. I wish that you had that sort of electricity, Tom. You ever wish that you had that sort of I never, you know, even when I was good looking, I wasn't that good looking. Yeah, the it factor. You know, I love that who's bit. I can't forget his name. Guy passed away was one of my favorite Richard Jenny. No, the WC fields. He used to do a Abed Castello. He used to he was a former teacher and he used to do that. Oh, welcome back Carter. Nope. Nope. He passed away. Fuck man, it's now it's becoming really stressful. Redhead with the mustache Dennis Wolfberg, Dennis Wolfberg. When he used to do that. Why did you say that? Because I'm bad with names. And then I

totally love the guy. Then I panicked. And then I just forget it. Yeah, this is why I do this. I sucked. You're blocking your blocking. Yeah, I'm putting too much pressure. That's why I don't golf. I don't golf with these bubbles, these self taught guys who beat the Gretzky's and the Mario Amuse. He used to do this bit about the it factor, having it with women. No, remember that joke? No, I don't know what it is. I don't think I ever had it. But whatever it is, I have the antidote. And he would stick his tongue out. Yeah, yeah. Fucking love that guy. I probably just butchered his goddamn joke. And I was probably gonna say that's funny, but no, you know, he was he was he mugged a lot, but he was funny. Oh, it's just I mean, his whole act was mugging. He went

he went out to the comedy connection of Providence right in the end when he was sick and he sat down I heard about that and got a standing ovation. I heard he did that and I heard he did Boston when it was still open. Yeah, comedy connection. Absolutely destroyed. You know, I heard one time I heard you one time you did a set half sitting half standing simultaneously. And you fucking destroyed, you know, cracks me up is like I see like better and kid, you know, was he like 39, good shape, whatever you start looking guy. Yeah. And he sits down after about two minutes on stage, we don't 15 minutes to comedy store. All day long, we don't look we don't work. And he sits down, he takes a break after two minutes. Oh, boy, anybody looks like

he could do like 40 pull ups. Just when he wakes up, he could do it. I'm sure he could. Well, I'm glad we finally got to that about 40 minutes and we finally know 30 minutes that we realized that Brett Ernest, he's one of the more lazier guys out here, which is yeah, he's a lazy funny comedian. This is the kind of things I mean, I can't believe you got me to admit certain things on the show. Or you're about to. I'm going to make your cry is what I want to do. I think since somehow Brent urged killing while sitting down and being better looking in a better shape than both of us. I think this is going to lead you to crying. Well, I realized now, you know, like, look how much weight I've gained, right? Now, you know, I've gained since I've known you

with 30 pounds. Right. And I know that I can't tell. Well, you don't really look, you don't really check me out what it is. Oh, my head, my head is bigger. Well, you're wearing that slimming black t-shirt. I've got a Barry Bond's head. But it's interesting because now, and I don't even know if this is a bit yet, Bill, but I think there's something in it. I have to look, I don't like women my own age. Right. I mean, I can't I can't fake that I can get aroused by them. I always wanted that. No, I always wanted, I mean, I wish I had that kind of love or something, but I need like a hot young chick. But the only hot young chick I'm going to get has to be flawed. Right. She's got to be has daddy issues inside or outside. Yeah, she's got to be messed up in some way. But

that's what I'm looking for. How many how many strippers have you have you dated? Dated? Only a couple. I was in love with one. How old were you when you did when you made that move? Two years ago. You fell in love with the strip. I fell in love. Yeah, first of all, this is a country song. She was feeling a little she was not stripping at the time she was bartending and just giving an occasional lap dance. And really beautiful girl into that bar and fun. But I tell you oxy cotton and alcohol really mess you up. Yeah, I don't know if you knew that. Yeah, I got some. But I still love the girl but she's I don't think I don't think we're getting back together because that oxy her husband and her two kids keep blocking us. Oh, Jesus, Dom, you're making me feel good.

Oh, make me feel good. Some of the choices I made back in the day. Dude, oxy is that's a terrible one. Right? Yeah, that's one of those things like even when you get off it, you're I don't know that you're ever depending on how long you do it the same. I lost a buddy mind of that. Oh, really? I got another one. He's not doing so well. Did you grow up in a neighborhood that was a lot of drugs? Not like that. Not like that. It was I grew up, you know, it was cul-de-sac bullshit. It was weed. There was the weed guy. There was the bookie. And then then there was, you know, booze, obviously, but you know, and some coke when you got older. But nobody was doing like heroin and crack was like, you're out of your fucking mind because

everybody thought if you smoke crack, that was it. You were done. Well, they say you get addicted the first time. That's what they said. But I got friends of mine who did and they're like, okay, it was all right. Oh, really? Yeah, maybe they're addicted to other things. They didn't have time to be maybe they're just better people. They're better stronger. You have good friends. Let me ask you this. If you had one drug that you think you would like, what would it be? I know what mine is. If I could do a drug that I've never tried and you think that anything like it's not going to have any repercussions. You just want to the feeling what feeling would it be? I have a tie. I have a tie. What is I want to know? I want to know what it feels like, like that train spotting

where you sink into the rug. The first time you do heroin. That's exactly that's exactly what I want. That but I got to admit the hallucinating thing tripping. Yeah. But I'll but that somebody told me like he said like when you're tripping, it's not like you don't know that you're tripping. You see the door fucking melting. You're like, Oh, it's because I'm on acid. It's not like those high school films where you'd be like, you thought you could fly and jump out the window. No, I that's good. What was that movie with that old guy? Was it something to me to me? Larry Alan Arkham did a part where he played an old guy and he fucking he just he got addicted to heroin like his 70s. And he's just like, What the fuck? I'm 70. That's actually a good idea. Just to try it.

It's 70. I mean, I'd rather go out shooting drugs and go out taking, you know, dick in the ass. That must hurt, man. That's the thing. You ever think about that seriously, Bill? Taking one. Yeah, accepting one. I think taking one for the team, taking one for the team. All right, Dom, your number came up. Sorry. You're not gonna like this. I don't think so. We worked this out. No, I've actually thought about really a priest. How I how I want to go out in by wolves shredded by animals. Yeah, I either want to live to be like 105. Like you live so long that there's like nobody at your funeral because you outlived everyone. Yeah, who gives a shit. Or you know, because that is a funny image because that's one of the things if you live long enough,

I'm sure he had people that cared about people doing the eulogy like I mean, I met him when he was 87. And you know, he was old. He liked playing cards. Always wore those slippers. Always wore those slippers. But if you die, like, you know, like all my friends, you know, who have died tragically fucking young, it seems you pack the house and everybody's up there. That's the only good thing about dying young is everybody gives a fuck. There's articles written about you. There's nothing worse. I mean, there's nothing worse than dying young. But dying old also is you know, you're sitting there and you got that fucking old terrified picture. My uncle Tony when he died, he really was very prejudiced and very angry. But he also loved his

children. He loved God. He loved mountains. And then when he died, it was so funny that make up for the racist side. Yeah, yeah. But I'm saying he was that balance crosses on people in the nature. I love birds. It's true, though. He was like all that. And he's and we're standing around the coffin. You see that mountain? It's for us. That's for us. Not these other people. This is God's country. But when we're around the coffin, we're standing, you know, people lie about people after they died. And this guy, Lee Fidelli, who was the first Italian character ever did like I got down a little, he said, we're standing there. Me, a friend of mine is a priest. And like a couple of my cousins and we're standing there over the body. And he goes, he never had a bad word to say about anybody.

And we went from crying to fucking laughing. And I'm thinking, I said, only do is have bad words to say about everybody. And then he goes, this is a really old reference. He goes, he never hated anybody except Larry Boa. Right? Larry Boa, the old for the Phillies. Yes. And he goes and he looks up, he goes, he hated that motherfucker with a vengeance. Was he a gambler? No, he didn't gamble. He just hated him. He hated Larry Boa because he hit 175. But he was a great fielder. But I mean, what an obscure reference to make at a funeral. So in general, back in the day, he probably just didn't like second basements. But I love that everybody I've had a couple of those like funerals. We were crying. We were from crying, crying to crying, laughing. I did that one

time, a buddy of mine, his dad died. And it was just one of those fucking, you know, tragic, you know, we were young, and he died on a nowhere and the kid had already lost his mom was fucking horrible. And so it was pouring raining to make it even worse. Fucking like the movie seven, it was raining like that. Okay, yeah. So we, we, you know, go, you know, go through the service, and now they're gonna, you know, put the guy in the ground and the guy was so popular. I mean, there's just a zillion people there. So they had like one of these, you know, one of those pop tents with no sides to it. So there's so many fucking people, everybody's jamming in there. Me and my buddy can't get in. You know, we're on the outer ring, we're just getting rained on and

shit. And my other asshole friend is just inside the tent and he's sitting there, we're all crying and stuff and they're bringing the body down. And all of a sudden, just from the way to the rain, like this little like canal started pouring down and just missing my friend and my buddy in the middle of crying was standing rain just reached up and adjusted it. So it went all over his coat, but he had like this wool kind of coat on so he couldn't feel it at first. And dude, I'm talking crying, laughing, just crying. Cause it was so sad. And that's the thing too, that I never thought people ever understand about comics when they have a distasteful joke, like a boat sinks as a plane crash. You have a joke. They always think it's because you're

insensitive and they sometimes don't understand that it's it's a defense mechanism, twisting the pain. Yeah, I'm feeling something bad. I don't want to feel it. And then you make a fucking joke. And then you're laughing because you don't want to feel that. So you're actually doing it because you can't kind of, I think I think a form is a dysfunction. It's kind of a form of dysfunction. Well, like the pedophile jokes, we all know how terrible that is. You know, I think there's instances, but you could twist it around. I usually bring it back on myself, you know, like one jokes that says, you know, what about me, Father? I wasn't hot enough for you. You know what I mean? Like that kind of thing to make it me. I wouldn't want to hurt a

kid. But there's a good example of something that's caused so many people so much pain. I'm not just talking about the physical pain. But, you know, we do know you end somebody's life when you that's why that that Sandusky guy. Yeah, you know, like they shouldn't put those good they should automatically get the death penalty just immediately. Yeah, it's all they take them out. Dude, if you got a rabbit dog in your neighborhood, you fucking put it down. Those sex offender guys. That's it. Because all those people that that dude fucked with. Yeah, it's like that's gonna now affect you want to talk about dating strippers like how that's going to affect who they pick, you know, who they pick as a wife, how they treat their kids,

they might think they there's a chance that they could, you know, sometimes I don't know if it happened. I'm going to go beyond my intelligence on this, which isn't too hard to do. But I all I know is that that's generations of therapy because of the abuse of the yeah, they repeat the whoever yeah, those guys get you can't put that guy in jail. And like, I mean, how long like you're attracted to what you're attracted to and no amount on a cell. Well, especially if they suck you in a cell how long before you wouldn't like big titted strippers. You'd come out 80 years later. I'm dumb. I won't bring me to some big titted stripper. Those guys like eight year olds. You stick them in a cell and you talk to them. You try to undo it and show them an adult that they're

wired that way. That's it. I'm just sick. Is that put in put them to it's it's horrific. It's why I don't believe in a higher power that gives a fuck. Well, that's a whole different subject. But I understand that. But do you hear that pedophile joke about you might have a little joke joke. No, no, no, it's two guys sitting on a bench. I see an 11 year old boy walk by one guy pedophile and says that the other one goes, boy, he must have been hot back in the day. He must have been something back in a day. Oh, that's fucking twisted. Yeah. And with that, a little more advertising. I still like the stamp. The idea of comm is tremendous. What do you got for me,

Bill? Amazon.com. Oh, okay. I got a thing now. You mind telling me about it. Oh, geez, Dom, I would love to. I'm so glad you said that. I was worried that you would say, Hey, Bill, don't tell me about that. Because I hear great things about Amazon.com. But I don't know enough. This is the deal. I'm not saying you have to buy something. But the next time you buy something on Amazon.com, if you want to contribute to the podcast, go to bill bar.com, click on podcast and on the right hand side under the iTunes window, you'll see the little banner for Amazon. If you click on that, you know, buy whatever you want to buy a pen and pencil set, go buy some use truck. I don't care. Whatever you do, just go through my website, click on the

Amazon.com. Then they'll know people are listening to you and supporting Amazon. So what Amazon.com Amazon.com actually does is they kick me a little bit of money and then I take 10% of that and give it to the wounded warriors project. So you can contributing to everybody. Everybody wins. Everybody wins. And you get something in the mail like it's Christmas. That's one of the great things about ordering something offline. Because a lot of times you forgot you ordered it. And you had a bad day and you come home. There's like a little second present. That's nice. You know, and you forget the body. I had great things about that company. My fact, I was talking to a friend of mine from Cleveland. Oh, by the way, I'm playing hilarities this week in Cleveland. Just Oh, let's hype it.

Wow. What days? Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, only four days only. Dude, how great is Nick Costas? Oh, he's great. Yeah, the nervous, nervous Nelly of club one of my feet and can still knock out a 20 year old at whatever. What is he like 65? Oh, at least still still love. I was giving him a break there. He's still like, oh, I didn't mean it. That was amazing. I mean, he's incredible. Last time I was a motorcycle allegedly, allegedly, someone who looked like him yank somebody out of a car and tune them up a little bit as they say back East. Really? Yeah, the guy kept blowing his horn. You know, you know, Nick's worked out. Yeah, Nick's no joke. And this thing about him too, he's a truly is a tough guy, because he didn't tell he didn't tell me he did it. Somebody

else did you know, somebody doesn't fight. So I grabbed this guy. Nick didn't say shit. Somebody else told me the story. I was laughing my ass off. And I went I said, Hey, you know, I heard some guy was beeping the horn. What happened? Because I wanted to hear the story for him. And the way he told the story was Oh, that's right. No, he told me the story first. He said, you know, how's business going? And he tells me the story like, you know, it's been going, you know, I kind of had a problem with this guy, you know, the guy, you know, he kind of, you know, just had to kind of sort some stuff out or whatever, just the way he told it. It would be great in a movie like him, some real tough guy telling the story. And then you smash cut to like what's really going down in his head

against the clear. No, like, yeah, he seemed like he went into one of those rages where you don't even remember what you did. I wanted to work things out with him, you know, yeah, greatest guy ever. And I absolutely love that club. And I'm hope I'm trying to work on a date there right now. But Don Myrera, the legendary, the one and only the guy with the swagger swagger swagger who has table reads with Renee Zellweger. She calls him sweetie. There's a jealous Robert De Niro stairs bullets at you. He was Robert De Niro broke character, right? He starts laughing, which I thought was great, one of the greatest American actors. And I say to this guy who wrote the script, I go, it's so fun for me to see Robert De Niro getting the giggles and breaking character.

He goes, Well, you know, he doesn't really put everything into that. And I said, Oh, you don't have to defend Robert De Niro to me. You know, I was in Puss in Boots in children's theater. He's doing Raging Bull. And I'm in Puss in Boots. You know, I'm a great actor. Yeah, it's just a table read. It's only like I like that he said that to you as if you didn't realize that that's one of the great actors of all time. Because I was going to say what was better than that? Was it all smoke and mirrors? Anybody can get lucky with the deer hunter taxi driver, Raging Bull good fellas, anybody can get love casino. Yeah. Mean Streets. What was the one that he played Rupert pumpkin, the comedian king of comedy was great. Wasn't it phenomenal? I can't believe I like I don't own

that. That's like a that's a sin. I know as a comedian that I don't. I don't own that. All right, let me ask you. Let me ask you a favorite actor of all time. Oh, geez, comedy or let's go drama, drama, something they don't let a lot of comedians do. Even though our lives are so crazy, the acting compared to movie stars. Just make sure you have the mic up there. Oh, oh, shit. Sorry. I would say maybe Pacino. Maybe Pacino because of a dog day afternoon. But the Nero's right there. I mean, those two guys are not because they're Italian, you know, I mean, like Ned Beatty's a great actor. It's not because they're Italian. It's because they made the greatest movies of the last 40 years.

Yeah. I mean, you know, you know, I was joking with some of you. Well, who's yours before we go. I always talk about this. The greatest IMDb page. Flawless is John Cazale. Oh, John Cazale's IMDb. He has five movies all were nominated for Best Picture. Godfather. Then he was in the conversation. It was a dog day afternoon. Godfather to dog day afternoon. And then the deer hunter. Wow. He doesn't have one, you know, boat trip. He doesn't have one. I'll do it for the money. Like what one bad news bears part three, like what's bad room? Those orangutan movies Clint Eastwood was doing. He didn't show up in any of those things. I fucking love those. That's a really sweet short resume, huh? Five those five movies. I took a train with him just by coincidence from

really from New York to Boston him and his girlfriend were sitting next to me and we talked the whole time. Meryl Streep. No, I don't think so. Is that his girlfriend? Towards the end? Yeah, I didn't know her. I didn't know that's how good he was. He was giving her tips. I'm not joking. I watched this thing. Well, it's what's the famous Fredo. I knew it was you. You broke my heart. Is Godfather to to I knew it was you in the boat. So there's a documentary that was on HBO called I knew it was you. And it was about John Cazale and like and it dude, it's just it's deniro Pacino Meryl Streep. All these just he was so great and dog day afternoon. The way he played that psychotic guy. Yeah, the we don't remember he

didn't even know what Montana was. There was a country or something just that innocent stupidity psychology. Yeah, never been out of Brooklyn. Right. The whole way that they did the whole thing. So who's your favorite? Oh, I have the hackiest lit. I like I like I'm going to launch Livier. Those guys are great too. You know, all right, well, I'll give you the the when I was young. I was I liked leave me out of this. I like I was Lee Marvin. Charles Bronson. Charles Bronson. I just watched one of his old movies called The Big House in 1955. He had a small partner. And I'm telling you as far as like physics, he's the original like, yeah, he's a rock. He was dude, he was fucking shredded before people knew how to do P 90 X is used to

work in mines in Poland. Like back then, like what I love about the 40s and 50s, and even into the 60s, like, like being in shape just meant you weren't fat. Right. You know what I mean? Like when those guys like when you watch, let's you were Hercules or one of those guys. But even some of them back in the back way early, they didn't have the muscularity. Yeah, like you watch like Ben Hur and they're all just like, I smell they're all sucking their guts in. Right. And they always had like some sort of like, it looked like some sort of wrestling championship belt that they would put almost like a cummerbund that they would always have over their gut and they would just sort of have their sort of sort of pecs. Right. Everything was just like they just showed up

with what they had Christopher, not Christopher Reeves. Who was the guy who played Superman? Christopher Reeves. No, the other the older Superman on television. Yeah, he wasn't in shape. No, it was his shape at all. He looked like a leotard. I played Batman wasn't in giant utility belt. But his brother was Hercules. Steve Reeves. His name was Reeves too, even though but and he he was really in shape. He was one of those guys that really looked like a look like Hercules. And they both they both both the Superman died tragically. And that weird. I remember I used to do a bit on Christopher Reeves and it was it was it was after you know, you got paralyzed. Yeah, which might seem insensitive, but I was like, but it was no, because I was actually talking

about what a pussy I was. Oh, yeah, people had like those horrific fucking injuries like that. And then they always go, I you know, I consider a blessing. I'm just gonna every day I'm alive and blah, blah, blah. And like, oh, yeah. And then they always go like, Well, God picked them because he knew that he could handle this challenge. My bit was don't ever fucking pick me. Because I'll be in that wheelchair. Kill me fucking kill me just being ahead fucking kill me. I was saying I would steer the fucking wheelchair and zoom myself down the stairs. There's no fucking way I can handle the only thing I could handle is somebody flipping me over and fucking wipe it my ass. And I would just be going. I would just have

to be joking around. I shouldn't be saying great to be alive. That's there's a few things I never make fun. I was when I was younger. I never make I don't make fun of handicapped. I don't like I should there are some things that don't make fun. I don't make her a special needs kids. It's just shit I don't do. I just make fun of like adult retarded kids. We started people rather. Once they get to a certain age, you can make fun of you want to hear one one story that I tell that that I only usually tell offstage. I was at a I was at a Red Sox game Fenway Pack, right? And I'm sitting in the bleachers. And there was this family of like the father with three sons, two of them were just regular people. And the other one was special needs. But he was a monster.

He was like fucking six to and we were sitting out in center field. And we were almost behind the bullpen. And so this, you know, the weird configurations of Fenway, it's like a row went to a wall and then the wall went up and then there was like left field. No, right field, sort of like center field, I guess. Yeah, center right. And then there's the center field bleachers with the garage doors. So the kid who had the mental problems was like up against the wall or whatever. And he was I don't know what his deal was, he was getting worked up. And his dad was telling him to calm down. He's like, fuck you. He's like cursing. And he was like retarded or whatever. And then his dad finally goes, come on, calm down. I think

when the crowd was like, oh, he was getting like amped up. And then the kid got too fucking amped up. Dad's like, come on, sit down. He was like, no, I'm not sitting down. His dad wound up and as hard as he could slug this kid in the chest. Well, but the dad was like 65. And this kid was like 28. And he was a monster. And he hit him in the chest and the kids go fuck you. Dude, it was one of those things that you daddy when no one wanted to laugh. Right. But it was fucking dude, it was like right out of the like, I don't know, out of a fucking like over the top comedy. And then you will also terrify because you're like, yeah, get that dude settled down because he's big enough to kill all of us. What am I doing? I'm talking about people wheelchairs and all

the shit I don't talk about. I got a Charles Bronson story that I was doing a roast for Mickey Rooney, right? And I'm there with Martin Landau, George Siegel, me, Charles Bronson. This is the half of the day of someone is Christ and Charles Bronson. I go I just turned to him. And he was very quiet, you know, I said, I gotta tell you, it's really cool to meet you. And he goes, without even like, inflecting and making the emotion goes, pass me that napkin, where I go, yeah, how fucking cool is that Bronson? He's so rude. I love it. Right. So I go up on stage and I'm like roasting not only Mickey Rooney, but like other people in the dais. And I tell the story about Bronson. I go, how cool that he's like, you know, this is Charles, this guy, this death wish guy,

and all right. And he's so cold that he doesn't even accept the count. And he just asked me for a napkin. And then I come and sit down. He goes, Hey, man, I'm sorry, I can't hear out of this year. I got shit. I wanted you to be mean, you know, dude, I loved all those guys. And I was wondering the other day, like, I was talking to somebody going like, why did the stars back then the Lee Marvels, the Bronsons and all them? Yeah, why did they seem to those guys were like 130, 140 pounds? But you just had they had that vibe like I was like, I would never fuck with that guy. And then you look at the stars today, look at Brad Pitt, you know, fuck him or whatever. Like that's like six, two, six, three shredded, right? It's the highlights in his hair. I don't know what it is,

but fucking, I finally was reading something about Lee Marvin Lee Marvin fought in World War two. And like his entire he was like one of two people who survived his entire platoon. He got a purple heart and all that. And it's like, no wonder he seemed like such a fucking badass. Yeah, he was. He was remember him in the wild one. While in Brando, you should check that out. I think the big red one was Lee Marvin, the wild ones that the one with the motorcycle one. Yeah, I saw that. But you know, it's the worst, the cringe worthy movement moment in that movie is when they start singing those two actors. And you can clearly see that their actors playing tough guys, they start singing like some sort of do up at the end of the bar and they're supposed to be

shocking the bartender. Dude, it's such a douche chills moment where I remember that that was in wild one. That's when he's got the Harley in the coming to town. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's one where he goes. That's calm ball style. Well, Brando had that one. Do you know what do you know when you play the Wilbur Theater in? Yeah, in Boston, that green room. Brando lived there. Right. Oh, really? Yeah, I heard that he would tell the story like he when he was a broke actor, he was doing three doing theater and that was like some sort of dressing room. He was so broke. He actually stayed there. I'm afraid of that place when there's people in there. I can't imagine going to bed. That place is haunted. Oh, you think it is? Do you believe in ghosts? Oh, yeah. Okay. I don't

believe in them. Although when I come down here, I kind of I heard one one time. I heard one so clearly. And here's I'm in my next day. Boom. No, it coughed just kept coughing. Was it good? I don't get any sort of laugh on that. He had broadcaster speech. Sorry. No, no, I hear I'm in bed. It was I had a studio apartment just moved out for my wife. And I hear a cough. I got guys got a couple guys got a call. Who's in here? It's only a studio. So I go and I look and I walk through a field of energy that my hair stood up in the back. I got the chills, but like a chilling feeling. And I go Oh, shit, this was during the day too. So I get down to the office and I tell wait now when you walk through that energy, the person like, like take over your body and you

started making like some pottery. I started I started moonwalking around the apartment. But anyway, I said the department manager. So this is weird. She goes Oh, that's the ghost with the smoking cough. Right. There was a regular ghost there. That is just what I understand. So what the fuck is with that stupid show ghost hunters, they can't find a ghost to save the goddamn life that show is the funniest fucking show on TV. Don't they find like anything and then they always know the name of the ghost and they're like, Alan, you got 20 minutes to show yourself or else what I'm here forever. I don't understand. I I don't know about that shit. I don't know that I you don't believe in God.

Um, I believe that there's something beyond all the questions we have, there's I believe in all that stuff that's beyond us, but we don't know what it is. And religion is a guess. And it just doesn't. It just doesn't do it for me. It just doesn't that whole fucking hey, you know, you gotta have faith. It's like, no, you don't have the fucking answers to me. Religion is science. Okay, science gives me fucking answers. And if they don't have answers, they go, well, we got to work on and then they gradually figure out more shit. But then then there's the spiritual side, where you do something good, you feel good, you do something bad, you feel bad. And unless you're a psychopath, yeah, unless you're like a psychopath.

Yeah. I believe in that. And that's that that feeling I feel is in everybody unless you're a psychopath. And I feel that religion exploits that. And they turn it into the they turn it into a science, they turn it into this formula, business. Yeah, and then they turn it into this punishment thing. And then there's this fucking guy who's mad at me because I got a lap dance. And it's like when you really just start reading about space, and how fucking gigantic the goddamn universe is the fact that you know, you're staring at me, it's like me looking at a fucking an amoeba and getting upset about what the fuck it's doing with other amoebas. Yeah, right. Well, it doesn't make any sense to me. The fact that God would need to be praised

and sung to would seem like he's insecure. Big time. But how could it be God, you know, but that's where I don't get, you know, yeah, and it's like, if I'm a fuck up, it's like, it's like, you made me like, where is your responsibility? That's like, if I build a car, and it doesn't go and I get mad at the car. Yeah, you know what I mean? Hey, you fucking this car, this car is evil. It needs me thrown into a pit of fire. I think I look, I think if you're a piece of shit, you, you, I actually have a philosophy, another philosophy in this, if you're a piece of shit, you basically get yours in life, you do unless you're the brilliance of a sociopath is you don't, karma doesn't affect you. I don't think unless you believe in it, if you don't believe in

it, then you don't feel like you did anything bad and you just don't attract anything bad to you. But if you actually feel guilty, you bring it to because there's guys I'm not going to name guys because I've seen guys in this fucking business just do like, you know, people who they just such a piece of shit, it gets to the point where you're not even mad Collins. It's like funny. I don't know Bobby like that, but like, it's it becomes like funny. You know, you don't get mad. That's like what like, yeah, why don't I name names? I remember there was a guy, this dude, this dude, I knew he borrowed somebody's workout bench. And he said, Yeah, I'll give it back to you in a week. And he's the dude came back in a week and he sold it. He sold it for like, for I forget what,

for like some drugs or something. And what I loved about it was just that in the moment of it, of like, Yeah, eventually in six days, this guy is going to come back. But for these next six days, I don't have to deal with that guy in that moment. I want drugs. So fuck you. So like, that's that type of shit that that's such a dirtbag move. But that that thing, like if he had done it to me, I would be mad. But the joy I would get out of retelling the story right going, you fucking believe it's gonna be laughing like, like the joy that I would get out of the bed. Yeah, I could only get like, could only get so mad at him. But when you speaking to that like, cool. Yeah, I never named names. I try not to name names on like the podcast or

something like that. But I guess there's always, there's always people that you know, not that I'm co signing on whoever the hell you just said that because I don't I don't know the guy like that. But I don't know. We're like an hour and done. How easy with this hour? Seamless with you, Bill. Seamless. Terrific. Listen, you know, I say that you're one of the best comedians around. May I say that without the risk of a bet? It's turning into the Sammy Mullen show. Well, Tom, I learned from stealing from you. I stole all my stuff from you. I just I just turned it into the I made it better, man. Can I steal it back? Can I steal it back now that it's getting tighter? Let me just just give me another six months with it. Hey, you know what I learned

today? You cannot get a breakfast burrito on Easter Sunday at any of these Mexican taco stands. Speaking of Jesus, they are Mexicans are down with Jesus. I went to three different places to get a breakfast burrito. And when I get a breakfast burrito, I don't want it made by white people who looked over some Mexican guy's shoulder. I wanted I want the real fucking deal. But once you once you go to two, don't you think it's time to give up? I thought it was a flu. The fact that you went to three is kind of sad. No, I went to the first one.

When people think of you as a celebrity, it's kind of sad seeing you driving around Hollywood in a Prius. No burritos. It's Eastern, man. It's Eastern. Oh, man. One of them just had a big picture of Jesus in the window. I don't know if it's there every time. Old J star. Hey, Tom, do you play video games? I do, Bill. Oh, yeah. What's your favorite? What do you want to do? Asteroids? Pac-Man? You old school like me? I loved asteroids. He hit hyperspace. I like Ms. Pac-Man. Ms. Pac-Man.

I got addicted to that so badly that I would see it in my sleep. But when I closed my eyes, I'd see like that. That's when you know that's when you know you love video games. I used to play some sort of sniper game. And I remember one day I played it like eight hours a day. And then I walked out on the street and they had this thing like when you get somebody in the scope, like the scope would just fit right over there. Oh, yeah, that cross the X. And I was walking on the street and I was just looking at people across the street and I was seeing the X on their head. They could blow them away. It was awesome. All right. Gamefly.com. Dom, I rare that this is the best way to rent video games.

Wait a minute. Slow down a second. Gamefly.com. Gamefly.com. Like like basketball is a game. Yeah. And could you please zip up your fly? Gamefly. Now it's not open. If it was, I wouldn't tell you though. I think you're adorable. The best way to rent video games over 8,000 console games. There's no late fees. You can cancel anytime they're introducing unlimited PC play. Look, if you don't have a PC, they'll just deliver the games to you. You get a 15 day free trial down 8,000 games at your fingertips. Use up all your vacation time. Sit there like Howard Hughes growing your nails in your hair, ordering pizzas, play every game you ever wanted to play for free for 15 days. And then you can call them up after 15 days, be like, yeah, you know what,

I got to get on with my life. Or you can accept how awesome this is. And you can keep going to and using it. This is what this is what I would do if I if if I had the time to get back into video games, which I would love to do because I haven't played them in five years. Are you serious? Were that addicted that you got? You had to. Oh dude, I played the Grand Theft Auto 3. It just took over my life. And then I I loved it so much. I played it for another year after where I would just use the cheats and I would go on a rampage. And I would and I didn't like when the army showed up. I like those Secret Service cars that they would show up. It kind of looked like the Caprice classics, but they were like hooked up. I used to try to see how long it I don't know. They

start to think of it. A little obsessive, a little bit, a little bit, a little bit of a little bit obsessiveness. Wait a minute. I got to type this back. Did you ever do Captain Bryan's and Marco Island? Captain Bryan's and Marco Island. No, I didn't. I got to finish this though. Go to gamefly.com slash burr burr to activate this special offer. Look at me. How can you guys up? You listen to this damn thing and you can support the troops. You can have the post office in your own apartment and now you can have 8000 video games at your fingertips. And on top of that, I give you an hour of Dom I rara and we barely scratch the surface. That's right. So what do you say? Captain Morgan's Captain Morgan, Captain Brian's in Marco Island. I think I wonder if

you're over there. I'm there in a couple weeks. Dude, by all means, hype everything you got. We're an hour and six in. You know, we're going to do dumb. We're going to leave him wanting more that old show business thing. Atlantic City, June 30th, traffic Canada. I'm telling right now, I'm no bullshit. And I'm not just saying it because he's sitting here, staring at me like, please compliment me. So needy with a needy dumb dumb dog look on his face. Dom I rara always funny. Always funny. Straight on through. I've never seen you in front of any fucking crowd, any situation where you're not hilarious. No bullshit. No hacky lines goes on stage, assesses the crowd. And you're one of the funniest fucking ballbreakers. I love you,

dog. I love you too. It's great, great, great to have you on here. You know, this is the Monday morning podcast. Go fuck yourselves. Don't take any shit. I hope you guys had a good time. Listen to this and not done. Thank you so much for honoring me by coming by pleasure, man. It's fun to be here. And I hope you enjoyed the wine that you brought that I gave you. I think I'll go buy another bottle and bring it back here. You did everything. Can I drag some of it? You did everything but bring the glasses. I owe you, man. All right, brother. All right, thanks. All right, see you. B-M-B-P-N-B.