Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-9-18

Episode Date: April 9, 2018

Bill rambles about Rough N Rowdy, Billy 'no Vice', and lunatic Sheela.

In the mountains, in the kitchen, even in the living, they are really everywhere to ride the empty baths. But now we go to the finish, bring them to a Bebath collection point quickly. You will always find one in your neighborhood on Bebath.be Bebath! Together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. What are you doing? That's good. I just got back from Cincinnati, or as they call it, the Natty.

The night before I was in Pittsburgh, or as they call it, the Berg. About a year ago this time, I was in Cleveland, or as they call it, the land. I've always wanted to do a gig in Akron, or as they call it, the Ron. What is with that part of the fucking country? What is St. Louis? They call it the Louis. The Louis. Hey, welcome to the Louis. Hey, welcome to the walkie.

Welcome to the Ineota, not to state, Minnesota. Welcome to the Ineota. Welcome to theapolis. Welcome to the Paul. Now it only works with the Berg, the Natty, the land. And I'm Bill Burr, the douche. And when we return, we're going to be discussing the upturn in the stock market. You know what's funny? I didn't give them shit about that at all.

I didn't even think about that the whole time I was there. I was too fucking tired. I flew in Thursday night so I could get up early the next day and go do WDVE with Randy and Bill. And I went in there, Ian Bag sitting there, like the fucking headliner he is. And there's Joe Bartnick, and we had a great time. And evidently, I said bullshit twice, and I said fuck once. I knew when I said fuck, because everyone went, oh. And I'm such a foul mouth freckled jerk off.

I didn't even realize I did it. I felt bad. Whatever. I had a good time. So I want to thank Randy and Bill for having me in all these years. That's why I sell tickets in Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh was a very difficult ticket to sell for a long fucking time. You know? I used to work that goddamn cavernous improv. It's not a comedy club. It's not a theater.

It's just a giant. They should have a fucking DJ in there. One of those big rooms with no chairs, right? And the guys just start spinning. Everybody's on fucking drugs. Whatever does they do? Actually, you know, I've seen some of those DJs lately. I've seen some of those YouTube videos.

And they have little Casio keyboards, you know, to add to their beats. Do you think it's harder to play drums with just your little fingers than actually play drums? You know what I'm getting sick of? I'm getting sick of the one man band guy, you know, when they got that little fucking thing where they do a drum beat first, then they add the bass, and then they yell some shit, and then they fucking do something else.

How many people are going to do that fucking act? All right? It's like I get it. You have no friends. You know, it's like the baseball kid for a musician. The whole point of making music is to go do it with other fucking people. Look, if you're doing it at a high fucking level, I don't mind, but there's a lot of people on YouTube who are just going,

and then they hit the thing and then they just stand there and they can still hear his voice going, I know some of you turn this into a song, so I'm not going to make the rest of the fucking noises. All right? You probably just used like the part of the podcast or maybe that laughter. Put that over the top, right?

And then add your own stuff. And then you have a fucking, there you go. Make a podcast theme. Or whatever the fuck I was just doing. Every time everybody flips the fuck out, like holy shit, I can't believe they just did that. It's like musicians have been doing that for years, haven't they?

I remember Steve and Tyler way back in the day when they had them making a pump, he was on every fucking instrument in there. I guess because we never saw it. I don't know what I'm talking about. This is one, I never, I try not to do podcasts on days that I flew on an airplane because I feel like for me,

they're never funny. They're always fucking scatterbrained. Oh man, we got me and Bartnick drove from fucking from Pittsburgh over to Cincinnati. I thought it was like a three hour drive. I always forget like that fucking, the cone head part of West Virginia is in between that part of Pennsylvania and Ohio.

And I'll tell you, man, I feel fucking life with me. I do not understand the poverty of that state. Pennsylvania's doing fine. Ohio's doing fine. And you just drive through that little fucking triangle on the 70. I was joking on stage. You're driving by on the highway and you look off. You see people like waving, asking for help.

You know what I mean? Like fucking Willem Dafoe in platoon. Such a gorgeous state. I don't get it. I don't know. I think one day that that place, that place is going to turn around the way downtown Cincinnati did.

I remember 10 years ago, I did that funny bone that's just across the fucking river, the Ohio River in Cincinnati. I was in Kentucky and I stayed there. I want to stay out in the Kentucky area. I was like, no, no, I want to stay in downtown Cincinnati. I want to be downtown where shit is happening. And I was there 10 years ago,

and it was one of these fucking towns, man. Everybody comes in to work at eight and at five. Everybody leaves and you're alone. There's nobody there. There's homeless people. There's people who need medical mental assistance. You know, crazy people. And all the stores is fucking closed up.

You got to get your last meal by three o'clock or you're fucked. And I had been there. It feels like forever. And I immediately went into downtown areas. It's fucking amazing. It's fucking amazing. It's actually a whole article. The second I got there, I was like,

this is not the Cincinnati that I remember from that fucking gig. And that I carried with me the next two times, even though it was slowly getting better. I had such a bad experience the first time. They actually people write in fucking articles on it. Where the hell is it built? There you go. Cincinnati streetcar.

They got a fucking streetcar. Okay. By the time the first passengers boarded Cincinnati streetcar in September, its advocates had already been on a wild 15-year ride that included surviving two ballot initiatives to derail the project. Whatever. I'm not reading all this boring shit. They got all this fucking cool stuff to do down there now.

And evidently, I was talking to this guy in the plane. They revitalized a bunch of bad areas, but they didn't kick the people out. Now, this was according to a white male in first class. So who knows? Who knows what happens? Because that's what I'd like to see done. You know?

Have that done. And for poor white people too. I never understand why it's just like, oh, we're making this area better. It's like, what about the people that were there? They would have made it better if they had any fucking money. I don't understand why areas like that. Disappoint.

You know, we're doing all these startups and all of this shit. We ought to do it for our own fucking countrymen, shouldn't we? Then every place is nice. Every way you go is a nice little fucking cupcake area or whatever. I don't know. Do you think that everything would be the same? Because you already have that fucking problem. You know?

There has to be a way to go into different neighborhoods of people and fucking help out broke-ass people. Yet they still, they don't lose their vibe. You know? The music, the food, the people, the whole fucking thing. Because once like, I don't know. Once the fucking people, once white people come in, then it just becomes white.

You know? I really don't even know what I'm talking about right now. I just don't understand West Virginia. It's fucking gorgeous. I don't know why people don't want to. It's being a miner, the only fucking job. Is that why? You know?

It's either people that are mining. Isn't that fucking Honey Boo Boo from there? Fucking dirt floor cabin she grew up in. It's one of the saddest things ever. I've tried to watch that show one fucking time and they were going down the grocery store and they were having an auction on food that was at the grocery store

that they no longer could legally sell. And they weren't even buying shit that at least used to be healthy, like perishable shit, like fruits and vegetables, which God knows what the fuck they sprayed it with. Right? They were fucking bidding on like double-stuff Oreo cookies. It's like they've already expired

and they're not good for you. And she's sitting there looking like haystack Calhoun. I mean, what the fuck do you want out? Here's a question. What do you do with that? You know what I mean? That's just like, I mean, it's just a shit show and it already fucking procreated.

So now you got half of that and somebody else. Maybe they'll be half as stupid. Maybe some smart person got drunk and fucked her. That's the best thing you can hope for and knock down her stupid by 50%, right? Because certain people, you see, they're broken. You just like, all right, well, maybe if they had some opportunity. Then there's other people.

It's just like, nah, you know, even if she was born rich, I just don't, then once the parents died, I think I don't see that fortune surviving. Let's look up Honeyfucking Boo Boo. Honey Boo Boo was the mom. No, that was the kid. Honey Boo Boo mother. Come on, internet.

Mama June. Mama June of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Famous for raising pageant prisoners. Where the fuck is she from? Amazing weight loss. Jesus Christ. You know, when people are really fat and they lose all that weight, then they're going to figure out what they're going to do with the skin.

Then they need to do a startup to get rid of the skin, right? I mean, Jesus Christ. She'd need an extra startup just for the shit underneath her chin. She has that unfortunate thing where it like, you know, it's like your chin is flush with your chest. And she's way too young to have that level of a double chin. And that's what happens, people, when you go down to the grocery store because you're so fucking broke and you have to,

you have to bid on already expired double stuff Oreo cookies. Her neck is full of the cream. That's what it is. And that's disgusting, isn't it? But you know what? In this day and age, I imagine she's a hero. All right, let's see her. Let's see her loss.

She lost a bunch of weight. Good for her. Good for her. Now she's going to live longer. You know what they should have done with the facelift? They should have also fucking, they should have fixed her. I know this is harsh people, but there's too many fucking people. There's too much traffic.

Okay, you can't have dumb people like making more fucking people that are going to be out there on the road, you know, and the DNA is full of fucking expired Oreo cookie double stuff. You just can't fucking do it. And this is the thing that liberals cannot handle and conservatives go too far with. There has to be a feel good solution. What would you, I would just say, listen, if you, if you're dumb

and you don't have kids, the government will give you Oreo cookies that have not expired. How about that? Well, start with that as a, as a, as an, uh, taxpayers will pay for that. It'll come off the top, right? I don't know how to solve this. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. I can't tell you this.

Guess what the fuck I'm doing on April 13th. I'm going to be in Charlotte, North Carolina at the rough and rowdy event event. Um, I cannot fucking wait for this. I think I got the suit that I'm going to wear. Um, I'm very excited and, uh, I'm going to be there. It's going to be 1599. If you order now, 1999, the day of the event. I'm going to be commenting the entire night.

God willing. I'm going to be there with Alprez, Dave Portnoy and the big cat Dan, uh, Dan cats. And guess who's fighting on the card? The one man thrill ride. All right. He's not wrestling. He's fighting. He's not wrestling.

He's fighting and he's going to show why he's an absolute savage. And I can't fucking wait. I'm very excited for this event. I hope I add to it and, uh, bring some more humor to it and, uh, check it out. 16 bucks. The fuck do you care? What do you do with your 16 bucks? Go down there, bet on some cookies.

Um, so when he was, I had a great flight back from Cincinnati. Congratulations by the way. I was very excited for Cincinnati after watching Pittsburgh. They hold downtown area start to get going again. All right. Cleveland's made a huge comeback. Cincinnati's made a comeback. It's fucking tremendous.

I hope this keeps happening because I've been on the road since the 90s and those places were really sad. And I remember in 2004, um, when Nick Costas opened hilarities, I remember looking across the street and talking to one of the comics there saying, if I had money, I'd buy that fucking building right across the street. And it was just like this beautiful building that was just empty, just fucking empty. And, and the hilarities were the only lights on on that block. And I would finish my show and the cop would walk me to my hotel around the corner to make sure I didn't get jumped or anything. Right. So, uh, and there we are now, like that whole street now is lit up like the fucking Bowenkel show.

And, uh, man, if I was where I am now back then, I would have invested in all those that I wanted to invest in Detroit. Now that's fucking coming back to, but I still might do that. You know, I think that's a great thing to do. Buy a fucking in an up and coming city that needs money in there. You buy something there and you don't kick the people out and you give them a nice safe place. You know, they're paying rent the fucking these fucking assholes. They redo these things and then they kick everybody out and they try and flip it. You know, those fucking heartless cunts that'll go into some beautiful building and just got the place and come back with like Home Depot bullshit.

Um, then kick everybody out and try to get fucking, you know, 20 and 30 somethings in there. I don't know. I'm against it personally, but then again, I never try to do it. Who knows? Who knows? Maybe someday I'll become a slumlord. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. All right.

Anyways, plowing ahead here. Uh, so my flight back, I overslept, but fortunately the airport was right down the street and, uh, cruise through security and all that shit got there in plenty of time. And, um, I get on the plane and, uh, Delta Airlines. I always fly a different airline. I'm not fucking loyal to any of them because I never used the fucking miles. All right. I have no interest in getting on the phone, trying to figure out, you know, when I can use them. You know, I don't give a fuck.

Keep, keep the fucking miles. What am I George Clooney in that fucking movie up, up and away? Um, up, up and away with my salt and pepper, perfect fucking hair. You know, I love most about that movie. I'm going to ruin it here is when he finally finds love and he comes and he finds out that woman's married and she looks at him like, get the fuck out of here. And he has to get the fuck out of here. That was one of the realest things I've seen in a movie in a while. That's how it usually works out, you know, something happens.

Um, so anyways, the, uh, why would I say that? Why would I, why would I put that sort of negativity out there? Oh, because I'm a cunt. That's right. Uh, so I get on the plane and, uh, I made sure I told my wife to take the F one race from bar, bar rain. And I get on the plane. Lo and behold, I have ESPN two and I'm like, holy shit, the fucking race is coming on at 10 past 11. Right.

So I sit there and I'm watching fucking ESPN, which is hilarious now. You know what I mean? Every sports talk show now, it seems like a woman has to be like running it. And then the guys are sitting there like she's the teacher now, just like the overcorrection. You know what I mean? So now like a guy can't run a show. I don't, I don't fucking get it. Right.

So I'm watching this shit and they show this woman from the, uh, women's hockey team throwing out the first pitch. Instead of throwing out the first pitch, she uses a hockey stick and she takes a fucking Rista and sends it to the catcher. And the guy comes out of his crotch and he catches it. It was a fucking ball, by the way. So there's a woman and a man commentating on this fucking shit. And she goes, see that? Yeah. You know, most, you know, a lot of the dudes can't even get it over.

You know, if that's why I'm been telling you, women are just better. They're just better at things. And the guy's like, I'm not even, I'm not even going to say anything. She goes, that's right. You got a wife and a daughter. It was just like, what in the, what the fuck was that? Just imagine that conversation and you flip the sex. The guy's saying that to her.

Hey, you see that? Most of the broads can't get it over the plate. Guys are just better at shit. Right. I'm not even going to say anything. That's right. You got a husband and almost slapped the shit out of you. You dumb bitch.

All right. Dumb bitch. I put a little bit too much mustard on it, but that's basically what the fuck they said. And then she came back again and she said it again, which is hilarious. And I, you see that a lot now. And at first it bothered me. Then I'm just like, this is actually just, it's not coming from a place of strength. It's coming from this really insecure place.

Like, right? See, we can do stuff. Nobody said you can't. I guess they did back in the day, but nobody now is saying that. I just like, you know, every guy has to have his tail between his legs. I wish I was commentating with her. I'd be like, that's astoundingly ignorant and reverse sexist. What are you talking about?

I could fucking do what she just did if he gave me three tries. It's a fucking wrist shot with a baseball. You got to teed up on a mound. I don't even play hockey. I think you give me five attempts. I think I could fucking do that. But you know what's funny is if I went and I failed, that woman would feel justified because a stand-up comedian couldn't get a baseball 90 feet or 45 feet, whatever the fuck it is, with a hockey stick. That would be considered a victory, I guess.

I don't know. So then I'm still watching, right? And then they have this really weird commercial. You got to see this one. I actually wrote it down on my phone, so I wouldn't forget. Where am I? They're getting the notes. Women are just better.

They're just better. I was fucking around with that this weekend where they just said, they're going, you know, the future is female. Like all guys are just going to step aside. After we built everything up, we're just going to give you the airplanes. Go fuck yourself. Earn them. I'm fucking with you, ladies. But you know what's up then?

Here's how you divide and conquer. The cool ones know what I'm saying. All right. There's a commercial out right now that you have to see for New Genic that has the big hurt in it. And I swear to God, he's standing there because he lost all this weight and this woman's standing there with this guy. Why assume they're kind of together, right? She goes, he says something. Oh, wow.

Is that the big hurt? She says, wow, he looks. That's the big hurt. And she said she should call him like the big handsome or something. She compliments on the way he looks. And then the guy, rather than being like, the fuck are you looking at another man for and commenting it in front of me? Fucking disrespect me like that in this grocery store. You know, is this something I need to know?

Instead of saying that, he just goes, yeah, or he kind of agreed with her. Right. Then they get over there and there's this really weird conversation where they're talking about this stuff that helps you lose weight and every and subtly makes you fuck better. I swear to God, the way the dialogue went, I don't, I, you know, I couldn't write it down fast enough. I thought in the end, the dude was going to ask big hurt to fuck his wife. Listen, I don't know. It might, maybe it's me.

Maybe it's me. Maybe all of this is playful and I just have two disease to fucking mind. And that's how I'm seeing this shit. So don't take it seriously. All right. All right. Speaking of diseased mind, April, I am going to be no vice, Billy. No vice, no drinking, no smoking cigars, no online porn, meditating, yoga, working out, eating right, drinking water, all of that fucking little house in the prairie shit.

Okay. And I am, when you hear this, I'll be nine days in. All right. Oh, Billy, no vice. Hashtag Billy. Nice. Nice. Oh, Billy boredom.

What else? Oh, William without fucking, I'm almost halfway through the month. Um, no, I think I'm going to try to go to my birthday. Right. I'm going to go to my birthday, you know, get myself, you know, in the shape I want to be in. So turning 50, you know, turning 50 wasn't bugging me now. All of a sudden, now that it's like two months away as of today. No, as of Tuesday, it's two months away.

It's starting to fucking hit me. Even though I know I'm not going to feel any different. It's just that you can kind of lie to yourself through your 40s that, you know, no, no, you know, I look good for my age. You turn 50, you're fucking old. You're fucking, you're even, you're even old to people that are old. Like somebody 70 would love to be 50, but they're not looking at you like, like, you know, they're not picking. They'll take 50. You know what I mean?

But if, you know, they've, nobody's picking that age. If they rub a genie lamp and a genie comes out, what age do you want to be? Nobody's saying 50, even if you're fucking 120. Who's going to be saying 40 or 30? I don't give a fuck. Anyways, so it's been going good. It's been going good. I like not drinking, I guess.

I do, but I don't know. If you go to Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh is just a town, you're just like, fuck man, I'm getting drunk. How do you not? This is just, it's too amazing. We went to that Pramante brothers, however the fuck you say it. You know, we went to the, the place, the Italian market, Bartnick's favorite one, we gets the gala wool, right? The gala guy. Got all of that.

And they just, you know, was eating that all fucking weekend stuffed olives. I ate like a fucking lunatic, but I didn't eat at night. So it wasn't that bad, but I definitely did not eat healthy over the last couple of fucking days. But anyways, but I didn't booze. I didn't smoke in both towns had cigar bars and I had to walk by them. And on the plane ride home, I was watching top 10 tight ends of all time and they got to Mike Ditka. And he was talking all this shit. And then he just took, you know, a fucking, you know, a couple of poles off this fat cigar.

I was just like, ah, fuck, fuck, but I'm going to get, I'm going to make, I don't know. I don't know. You know what it is? It's like every day I wake up and I don't miss not doing heroin because I never did it. And that's the thing. Like they say, once you open the Pandora's box, oh fuck, speaking of that shit. You know that, um, you know, that's AC DC song, Sin City. And when they do the breakdown, boom, boom, boom, whatever the fuck, I can't remember.

I can never remember the baseline of that, but boom, boom. And the kick drums on two, which is weird. Um, and then bond Scott goes ladders and snakes, ladders give snakes take right now. It's always like, what is he saying that ladders, ladders and snakes, liars. It sounds like he's saying ladders, like something you climb up. I never knew what the fuck it meant. Did I tell you guys this the other day? I can't remember.

And Mike Devon told me, he goes, no, it's a, he said that's in Australia. That's like shoots and ladders, but the original was called ladders and snakes. And then I looked it up. It's actually from India. If I'm right. And it has to do with, um, vices and virtues and it's called snakes and ladders. So as you play, it's sort of the same board game as shoots and ladders, right? So, you know, if you get on a snake, that's a vice and you slide down,

if you land on a snake, I should say, you slide down, but if you go in a ladder, that's a virtue and virtues bring you up. So I'm basically, you know, after years of sliding down into vice, I'm not going to try to go up a couple of floors on the ladder. I guess I don't fucking know. I don't know what I'm doing. All I know is every once in a while, I got a shutdown, but every time I have to shut it down, like the window is shorter.

I used to go hard for 10 months and then shut it down for a month. Now it's like I go hard for two, three months and then I shut it down for like four or five. I don't know. I don't know. Can you hear it? It's just all the comedy just left of this fucking podcast. It's just, it's just not fun. It's not fucking.

I don't give a fuck. People out here, I fucking love being sober. I love being sober. You know, I'm sitting next to this fucking guy, one of these guys that says yes. And that's the worst when you're sober. Can I get you something to drink? I'm like, yeah, I'll have a water. And he goes, I'll have a Bloody Mary.

I'm like, fuck, I'd love a Bloody Mary. He finishes his Bloody Mary and she goes, would you like another one? He's like, yeah. How about you, sir? Ah, I'm fine with my water. I was just clocking this guy, right? I flew out another guy. It was just like that.

He had a Jack and Coke. Then he got the fucking meal. You don't then got another Jack and Coke. And then the lady said, hey, you want some ice cream? Right? And he's like, yeah, but can I wait? She goes, yeah. The lady had the ice cream.

He said, yes, the entire fucking flight as I sat down. Just have a water. Anyways, plowing ahead. By the way, that's what you can look forward to. You work your ass off. You sit at the front of the plane. They bring you ice cream. Like it's like you're a fucking two year old.

But here's the thing that here's the thing. All right. You die sooner because you're up there eating and drinking like a fucking asshole. All right. At least if you're in the back, you know what I mean? You're back there starving, but you're going to live longer. All right. And the worst thing is to ride up front and be sober and watching somebody acting

like they're in the fucking Roman Empire and you're sitting there drinking fucking waters. Or even a sad salad. Anyways, let me do the... Let me do the fucking the reads for the week here. What do we got here? Do I have any advertising left in this? Oh, the black tux, everybody.

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If I can figure out how to do it, God damn it, so can you. All right? When I use it, I really find it so easily, conveniently, reliably efficient. And right now, absolutely no negative references to the post office. Okay, got it. I will not say one bad thing about the post office. And right now, you two can enjoy the Stamps.com services with a special offer

that includes a four-week trial plus postage and a digital scale. Go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in Burr that's Stamps.com, enter Burr. All right. That right there, that was textbook fucking advertising reading. Oh, did I? So anyway, so I watched the fucking F1 race. Congratulations to Max for stamping.

Congratulations to the Ferrari team. I don't know what the fuck's going on in the pits. I hope that guy from Ferrari is all right. You knew he broke his leg. What's his face? What the fuck's his name there? Kimmy something or other? Kimmy Rigatoni?

The other guy in the fucking Ferrari team. I thought I thought I fucking knew his name. Anyways, he comes in for a pit stop, and they've been having all these problems like the Haas team. Both their cars last, the previous race in Australia. Sorry, I'm typing this in here. They fucking went to go change the tires, and they didn't get them on properly,

and they left, and the cars were unsafe, and they both got knocked out. Oh, Kimmy Reagan, he came in for a pit stop. They didn't put the right rear one on right, or they didn't get it on in time, or they thought it was done. I don't know what. The guy with the jack lets the fucking car down.

I don't know who fucked up. There's like 40 people that run up to the car, and they're all dressed exactly the same. And when he went to drive out, the guy's fucking, that giant back rear tire went right over this guy's fucking foot and leg. And, you know, he's sort of peeling out too. So, Jesus Christ.

So that knocked their car out of the race. Lewis Hamilton had a great race, started in ninth, got all the way up to third, got to the podium. What's his face? Max Verstappen accidentally crashed into him, or whatever, and Lewis Hamilton, once again, fucking whining about it. Said Max is a dickhead. It was a dickhead move.

He wasn't showing him any respect out there. It's like, Lewis, he's doing what you did when you came up. What's he supposed to do? Oh, my God, that's Lewis Hamilton. I'm not going to try to beat him through this fucking turn. I don't have a problem with what he did, and neither did the judges. So what's the problem?

He had this whole fucking thing where he was saying, you know, he was disrespectful, he was a dickhead move, and all of that. Hey, I don't know, that guy, that guy is, I totally respect him. He's a fucking amazing driver, but I swear to God, if he doesn't win, he fucking, he's always bitching about something.

He reminds me of Peyton Manning early in his career. We had protection issues. You know, always fucking finger pointing. Oh, you know, my radio wasn't working. It was very difficult to try to figure out when I was supposed to drive or not. Haven't you done enough of these? There's somebody in front of you.

Go get him. Bill, it's a little more sophisticated than that. He was having the mediums, and the other guy was on this super soft. Anyways, it was a great race. I'm just fucking with, Lewis Hamilton fans fucking relaxed. I'm just fucking around.

I know he's your Beyonce, and I'm going to have to deal with the fucking, the Lewis Hive coming at me. I don't know. I make fun of Lewis Hamilton because he is the best. The guy's the best. Mercedes last year was the fucking best the last couple of years.

They've been the goddamn best, and I'm new to the sport. So what am I going to do? Am I going to jump on the bandwagon? I can't. I'm actually, I'm rooting. I root for Haas, the American team. Kevin Magnuson came in fifth place.

That's 10 points, motherfuckers. Unfortunately, our other driver, Romain, like the lettuce, Grosjean, however you say his name, he came in 13th. It was a great fucking race, and I hate to say this. ESPN 2, their coverage of that race

was fucking phenomenal. It was phenomenal. I got, I got to kind of knock a little fuck, I got to knock fuck sports a little bit because they just used to just follow the leader. Whoever was leading, they were just up there, and then all the racing was going on in the back

in fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, like the level that ESPN 2 was covering the race and showing that all that passing and like, you know, when anybody gets like, it was a good driver, gets like some sort of penalty, a gearbox penalty or whatever, and they move back.

You don't get to watch them come to the field in these past years. The way ESPN, you know, was following Lewis Hamilton coming up, it was fucking great. I love the race. Now, granted, I don't know shit about racing, and I watched it on, you know,

the back of somebody's fucking chair. On a flight, I could barely tell how many laps were left, so I imagine I missed a lot of the drama, but I went back and I looked at that. It's just like Max Verstappen, you can see he's going to be one of those guys. He's probably going to win a championship.

He's really young, he's a great driver, and he's got balls. You know, it takes a lot of balls to go into a turn with Lewis Hamilton to be like, fuck this guy, I think I have a position. Good for him. Unfortunately, you know,

it fucked up his car. I don't know, I think Lewis is a little scared. You know what he reminds me of? It was like when you see that interview when Milton Berle is trying to get Richard Pryor to fucking, you know, stand down. Because Richard Pryor has the nerve to fucking laugh at him, and then Milton Berle does that.

He goes, I'll give you some advice. He goes, pick your spots, baby. And then Richard goes, all right, sweetheart. Yeah, fuck you. Would you invent comedy? You didn't, go fuck yourself. I'm funny too. That's how I filled Max Verstappen.

Yeah, he's a fucking race car driver. Supposed to fucking get out of the way. That's not racing anymore. That was just driving around. I could fucking do that. Poor Red Bull team. Jesus Christ. Fucking Daniel Ricardo,

AKA Ricky Reakin, and he fucking, his car just died. Verstappen, after he tried to pass Lewis Hamilton, when his tire went out and his differential got all fucked up. But whatever, that's opening the doors for the American racing team. We were doing great in Australia until we couldn't put tires on.

It was fucking hilarious watching our pit crew coming out. They were so goddamn nervous. They came out with like laces out energy, but it was a great race. And next week everybody, the Moto GP race, I think is next week. It is. Is it?

No, wait, is it in two weeks? Ben and I've been one today. If there was one today, I fucking recorded it. Hang on a second, hang on a second. I was trying to go to that one, and after I do Nashville, I was trying to go down to Austin to go to the race. I just, I got a kid, man.

I can't fucking do that. If I was in Austin, I would do it, but I'm not gonna fly out of my way and not hang out with my kid. What am I, a fucking degenerate? Yes. I'm not that big a degenerate, though. All right, Moto GP.

Come on, load, load, load. This is how bad my internet is. I have to cheer it on. Come on, you can do it. I took, like, Lamaze classes with my fucking internet. Come on, do it, push, push. You look so beautiful. It's still loading.

This is fucking, I pay like a, I gotta get somebody, I gotta get a tech nerd over here. You know? But before they do, they gotta wear a helmet with a chin strap so their jaw doesn't hit the floor when they see how much I'm fucking paying a month

for cable. You know what I said? They'd help me out with that. I gotta take them up on it. Red Band told me he'd help me out with that shit. Because he told me a story. He said he went home to his parents' house and saw how much they were paying,

and then called up their provider and, you know, tore him a new asshole with his algorithm. It's still fucking loading. All right, I give up. I give up whatever. Let's, let's read some fucking questions for this week.

By the way, you know, I gave up arguing with my wife, Felent, and I'm continuing it. And I'm gonna tell you right now, I am getting some wins. I'm getting some wins. You know? Because what, look,

I'm still losing a lot. All right? But you know, I'm looking at like a seven and nine season, I think. That's what I'm projected at. But you know, I was like fucking 0 and 16, like the Browns last year.

Because I'm finding like, what's good about not losing your temper is when you're right, and if you can somehow keep your wife on topic, you're actually gonna win. You know? I don't know. Who knows?

Who knows? I already know she's already fucking adjusting her game to my new fucking style. Why want this fucking thing load? What is the fucking problem? How much money do I have to fucking pay? Wait a second. Let me just bring my energy back down.

Bring it back down again. It's not that big a deal. All right. Here we go. Come on. Load. There it is. Oh, there was one today.

There was one in Argentina. I gotta watch it. I gotta watch it before somebody tells me the fucking results. I'll talk about this one on Thursday. Nice. Then I also have to watch the UFC. Even though I already know the results there, I gotta watch this shit.

The big fight. Rose Namayunas vs. Yo-Nana Yo-Anana Yandreitrik. I say it right? Yo-Anana Yandreitrik. You know how I know how to say that? Because I listened to this fucking Russian guy. Is this it?

Yeah, I listened to this guy for like an hour. It was Rose Namayunas vs. Yo-Anana Yandreitrik. Did you guys get that? It was... Once again, the fight was Rose Namayunas vs. Yo-Anana Yandreitrik. Yo-Anana Yandreitrik.

Yo-Anana. At some point in her life, she has to meet fucking Axel Rose so he can sing her name, right? Yo-Anana Yandreitrik. Sorry. Boogie Woman is coming for you. I don't know what she was trying to say,

like the boogie man. She probably read up on the boogie man. I mean, it's the second language. It's pretty good that she could come up with that. But that was oddly terrifying when she was saying that. Boogie Woman is coming for you. I was like, I don't... This brought me back to when I was single.

I was like, man, I dated Boogie Woman a couple of times. You know one of those women you break up with and you go back for your stuff. She's like, fuck this. You can have it, man. I'm fucking out of here. Goddamn witch. All right.

Des Moines, Iowa. Billery Swank. Hey, Billery Swank. Just checking in on you and giving you some ammo when you go back to your advertisers. Of all the podcasts that I listen to on a regular basis, your ad reads are the only ones

that I will not skip through. Yeah, exactly. That's why I fuck around through them. You got to keep it entertaining because there's nothing stopping you from fast-forwarding through. You don't understand that? Stamps.com.

You know, didn't nature's box? They didn't get it in those other fucking blue apron. All right. Of all the podcasts. Also, how many corn-fed asses do I need to get into seats to get you to make a stop in Des Moines, Iowa?

I've been up there. I was up there in the last year. I did a gig at Iowa State. I don't know if that's Des Moines. I'll get out of there. I don't give a fuck. I'll go out there. Hippy Music Blind Spot.

Always something I learned with drumming. That thrash, the thrash drum beat is the same beat in like, like shout music. Basically, it's just the bands they're playing with how they phrase the music on top

of punk, thrash, and shout music. There's a lot of fucking similarities. And that's one to grow on. Hippy Music Blind Spot. Dear Billy Curve Bald. I love your podcast. I'm coming to see you in Denver. Thank you.

I love to hear you talk about music and drummers in particular. All right. I got somebody new that I'm following on Instagram. She just came up in my feed and she blew me away. What is it?

Oh, fuck. The Pocket Queen. And I thought it was funny because I don't know if she's a Guns N' Roses fan or if it's just a coincidence, but you know, Rocket Queen, Guns N' Roses fan,

and then the Pocket Queen. And she's just an amazing, amazing drummer who's having the time of her life when she plays. I think it's the underscore pocket drummer, but I started following her.

And I don't know. She's just a fucking amazing drummer. So anyways, plowing ahead here. Where is it here? I love to hear you talk about music and drummers in particular. Have you ever taken a listen to John Fishman,

the drummer and fish? I know a bunch of hairy hippies. I get it. You know, it's not that. It's that their songs are 17 minutes long. It's just such a fucking commitment. I will say because of Fish, I learned about the Little Feet album

waiting for Columbus. So I do want that live album. I do want to thank them for that. Anyways, people always put them in the hippie music category, but they aren't the fucking mamas in the poppers. I don't mind the mamas in the poppers.

My mother loved them. So when I listen to them, reminds me of driving around, you know, in the car when I was a kid with my mom. They put on more sold out shows and consecutively, my computer just died.

What the fuck? All right. They put out more shows consecutively at MSG than anyone ever. Wow. Even more than Billy Joel, huh? And at any rate, love Ephesus family

and go fuck yourself. All right. Well, give me a fucking album that I can, you know, that's a good jump off that I can get into that shit. I saw them live in the early 90s at the old Boston garden.

They headlined. The spin doctors were there off their first album. Little miss can't be wrong. All of that shit. It was like a fucking grunge thing. I don't know what the fuck it was. It was like overnight.

All of a sudden it had just changed. It was 1992 when I saw him. Let me see if I can look that up. See if I can find that the whole lineup. I think I want to say WBCN was a part of it. Let's see here. Fish. Spin doctors.

Boston garden. 1992. Yeah. No way. Yeah. October 30th. The reason why I went there was because the sketch comedy group Alan the monkeys

had won the BCN comedy riot. Al Del Benny, Dane Cook, Bobby Kelly were in it and they performed there too. And I got to watch them perform at Boston garden. Let me see if they got the lineup. This was a semi-Halloween themed devil's night. One set show at the WBCN new music concert. Rock a Boston event.

It was fish first show at the Boston garden. No way. I saw that show. This is how old I am. They actually have to describe the Boston garden. A historic basketball and ice hockey arena built in the 20s with a capacity of about 15,000. In addition to fish and the spin doctors,

the level levelers, material issue, Michael Penn and a comedy troupe that include Dane Cook, Alan the monkeys performed between, there was called Alan the monkeys. The comedy troupe comedians were, okay, we won't get into the rest of that. Anyways, plowing ahead. Yeah, I saw them. I guess October 30th.

That's right, that's right. I just started doing comedy right around them was right when I met Patrice. So there you go. So I've actually seen them. So there's a lot of like psycho fish fans that would be like, oh my God, you saw them for the first time at the Boston garden. I saw one of their legendary shows and had no idea who they were.

I just remember they had these little workout trampolines, personal trampolines that they were jumping up and down on the whole time and the crowd was jumping with them. And I thought they were cool, but I never really got into them. All right, race documentary. Hi Bill, I was listening to your podcast where you talked about your new interest in MotoGP. Yeah, it's fucking, I'm obsessed with it.

You should check out this documentary about the annual Isle of Man TT race. I was trying to go to that the last two years and I can't get anybody to go with me. It's not MotoGP, but it has similar bikes, I think. Yeah, it's a road race around the island and more people have died than years they've had it. So, I mean, it's incredibly dangerous. I'd like to go see it, see people driving that fast,

but I don't want to watch somebody die either. Or die myself. It was shit flying into the crowd. It's road racing instead of track, so there's no tire walls to crash into, etc. It's insanely dangerous. Usually a couple riders are killed each year and this documentary follows one of the riders for one of the years.

I have only, I only have a passing interest in racing, but this illustrates the danger of the sport really well. In case the link doesn't work, the doc is called TT3D, closer to the edge. Love the podcast, you crack me up. I might even buy some of your shit you're pedaling. I'm really not pedaling. I don't sell anything on my website.

Alright, so I didn't need the little snide fucking comment. Oh, maybe you're just talking about the shit that I'm advertising. In that case, fucking have at it. Alright, evil woman. Evil woman. Dear Billy Halebop. I don't get that. Oh, my fucking daughter's up here.

I gotta finish this thing. Alright, I was watching the documentary called Wild, Wild Country with my girlfriend. It's about a group of followers of a guru from India who set up shop in a remote town in Oregon. Everybody's watching this right now. I won't get into the higher question of what is a cult and what is a religion. Oh, I'll tell you the exact thing. A cult is a new religion.

A religion is a former cult that took over. That's the only difference. While watching my girlfriend. While watching my girlfriend didn't seem as angry with a particular person as I was. The first in command under the guru was a woman named Sheila. I don't want to spoil the dark for your listener, but she did some evil shit in the name of her cause. Oh, yeah.

Yes, she did. She was a fucking lunatic. Like most guys who were in power, she acted accordingly. See, and that's the thing right there where they sit there and they act like if women ran the world, there would be no war. It's not, it doesn't have to do with sex. Most people when given power do not handle it well. They either hurt other people, they hurt themselves,

they sabotage it because they can't deal with the fucking pressure. Well, they just become a cunt like me. She's a very compelling person to hear and speak. And I understand how some of her might find her care as much. I liked her to a point. I liked that she was just like standing up to everybody. But then, you know, she went too far. She kind of went like, you know, I'll fucking kill everybody.

Instead of just the people she was upset with. She didn't try to hurt them. She tried to fuck over everybody. But when you get to the part four, this six part series, she started hearing about the town's water supplies being poisoned under her authority. He goes, um, this is disgusting. Isn't it? No, that's fucking terrorism.

But this is, you know, what 25 years before 20 some years before 20 years, maybe before 9 11. So she was just considered a, you know, bitchy, I think my girlfriend started giving me a hard time for calling this Sheila a cunt saying I worship guys like Tony Soprano and Walter White. Yeah. He goes, yeah, I do. I worship fictional characters that they were, but I never defended waste management,

racketeering and lying to my family about being a meth chemist. It ended with her telling me that I'm biased towards the achievements of men. I can't deal with this lack of rationale. I'm considering breaking it off with her thoughts. Um, keep your calm. And just say, listen, the difference between me liking, you know, anti-heroes in a movie versus you liking anti-hero that actually existed and really poisoned the town. You just say, listen, if Tony Soprano and Walter White were real people,

I wouldn't be a fan of them. But, you know, you know, you like the surprise. You're, you're, you like the characters, you like the acting, the writing, the way it's done, you know, breaking bad and all that. That's, that's, that's all that is. If you're considering breaking it off with her over this, then I would say, you know, I think you should, I mean, if this is enough to make you break it off, you might as well. You know, just, you know, I wouldn't drink your tap water for a couple of months.

Apparently I'm controlling is the name of this. Yeah, I'm going to say just by that title. I'm going to say that you are. Apparently I'm controlling like people who always like it called out on this shit. You know, it's like that bearded cunt on the flyers. Every time he fucking takes out somebody's knee and every time it's like so blank, what the fuck he just did. It's like totally away from the pocket, complete penalty.

He always puts his hand out like, what the fuck did I do? Dear Billy Bunghole, I recently started dating this lady. And everything was going well. So I decided to invite her to a Marinus game for opening weekend. You know, had I known you were going to say the name of the baseball team, I would have switched it just in case, I don't know, somehow somebody figures this out anyways. I knew she was a baseball fan and would be excited to go.

I invited her and she said that sounded really fun. So I was really excited as well. I told her I would take care of the tickets because I knew finding tickets for opening weekend would be hard. So she agreed and said she would pay for food and drinks. Look at this. Everything's going great so far. It's like a classic horror movie. You know, they get to the fucking Crystal Lake.

Everybody's having a good time. It's all enjoyable to the first time they go. A couple of days later, she started having car troubles and was worried she couldn't make it to the game because she wanted to fix her car by Monday and the game was on Sunday. I live in the city and don't have a car but offered to rent a car to pick her up or we could ride the bus together since we would be drinking and the bus draws people off right outside the stadium.

She didn't answer my text for a couple days and told me less than 24 hours that she wasn't going to make it. I sent her a text back saying that I was upset about it and that if we had just had a regular day-date scheduled, I wouldn't mind but the tickets weren't cheap. Front row, lower level, outfield and I don't get to go to many ball games and it's important to me. She didn't reply until the next day and said she wants to stop seeing me

because the text seemed controlling but I was honestly just trying to tell her how I felt about being ditched. I'm usually a pushover and this was the first time I sent texts like this before. So do you think that I was being controlling? I would appreciate some advice. Thank you and go fuck yourself. P.S., bring back the Sonics.

Oh, you're going to get a hockey team instead. Sonics on ice. You call them the Seattle soliloquies. No, but I understand both. She has to get to go to work on fucking Monday. She wants to make sure her car's all right. I get that. But to say that you're controlling

and she wants to stop seeing you, I would say she dated a psycho before and is a little gun shy or she wasn't that into you anyways. To quote Greg Barrett, you know. I hope you just went to the game with a buddy or has it got fucking hammered. Yeah, I don't know.

I would just write back and say, you know, I guess we had a miscommunication. But I have to admit, if you know, one little spat like that makes you think about breaking up with me. I kind of feel like you're not that into me anyways. So before one of us really gets hurt, why don't we just, let's just end his friends

and really try to end his friends. That is a skill I wish I had. And the way you end his friends with somebody, this is for men and women, is you have to be 100% honest with them. You know? And if you haven't been honest with somebody and you're in a relationship right now,

if you're really honest with them now, they're still probably going to hate you, but you still have to do it. Because what you're doing now is you're setting up healthy relationships in the future. All right, so then you could just get it all out there. They knew from day one.

From day one, when you meet a woman, what's going on between us? Nothing. I'm just, you know, I'm not looking to be in a relationship right now, I'm just having fun. That's it. So what, you just want to have sex with me? Yes.

What? Yeah, I do. What? You're gorgeous. I'm attracted to you. You know? I'll practice safe sex. Do you want to get fucked? I'm the man for the job. You don't have to be that honest. All right, anyways.

Black girlfriend's family. Hey, Billy burnt pubes. You guys are killing me today. I'm a 24, a five-year-old guy, and I've been with my girlfriend about eight months. Uh... 25-year-old guy, I've been with my girlfriend for about 18 months.

Sorry. Things are great between us and she's awesome. All single parents of four-year-olds are both in school and both work decent jobs. All right, I have to ask you this before we go any further. Uh... At night, do you dress up like a black woman? I'm just, you know, this is too many coincidences.

Is this like some fucking psycho shit where it's your Norman and you're your mother? No? All right, I'll continue. She's a great mother, a very sweet, encouraging, beautiful woman who keeps herself in great shape and she's working on her doctorate in nursing. The total package. The only problem is her family.

Bum, bum, bum, bum. Baaargh. She's a black woman, and I'm the first white guy she's been with. My daughter is mixed, and I'm used to dating interracially and my parents and brothers love her. But with her family, her brothers and dad just don't like me.

They barely speak to me, even though we have a lot of the same interests in sports, music, etc. This sounds like a fucking ice cube movie. Her mother, grandmother, and sister love me, and we get along great, but I plan on marrying her and would like a good relationship

with their brothers and her dad. They have no reason to dislike me as I treat my girlfriend very well and have never acted like an asshole around them. Well, yeah, you're getting judged probably by other white people and the shit that they've done. The only thing we can think of

is they don't like me because I'm white because she said her ex and them were cool and even hooped together often. Oh, wait a minute. Okay, so her ex, oh, they liked the other boyfriend better. Her brother said to me a few weeks ago when I tried to talk to him

and invite him to play ball, he said, we got nothing to speak on. You're never going to be family. It came out of nowhere. Before they were just cold to me, I've come across people being prejudiced to me while hooping and in my area grew up,

but it's just weird because they actually know me and know how much I care about their sister. Any advice from you or the lovely Nia on how to approach the situation or if you've ever run into this problem? I'm saving up to buy a ring and would like to rectify this

before committing the rest of my life to her. Thanks for all the laughs over the years and go fuck yourself. That's a fucking major issue. That's a major issue and relationships are hard enough. Forget about when one whole side of the family doesn't like you.

I would just use humor. That's how I'd get through it. I'd go over to the hospital, like, hey, everybody, it's the white guy nobody likes. Hey, you guys want me to stand outside while you talk to your daughter or sister? I don't know.

Or an extra white. I'd go over there dressed like with a Donald Trump extra long red tie. I'd just start having fun with it. Hey, do you guys see that of that fucking great speech by Trump? I don't know. See, I'm a dick. I would probably start doing that,

but I gotta be honest. That's going to wear on things. I think I would pump the brakes on the ring until you work that out. And I think you guys maybe need help beyond some dick joke fucking comedian. Yeah, because that sounds like that's going in a direction where you're going to have to,

she's going to have to make a choice, either be with you or have a relationship with the family. I don't know. But that's above my pay grade. So my advice to you is I would talk to her about it. You know, I would tell us that, listen, you know, I'm ready to commit to you for the rest of my life,

but like, I don't know if I can, I don't want to commit to that because this is the thing, you don't marry her. You marry her family. And if her family fucking hates you, dude, you're going to be miserable. All right. And having been with somebody for as long as I have,

you know, there's ups and downs and shit, even without that. Fortunately, Nia's family is fucking awesome. So I lucked out there. And even then we've still had difficult times, mostly because I'm a fucking idiot. But yeah, so I would try to work that out. But yeah, what the fuck are you going to rush for?

You know, you already have a kid. Okay. And I don't know. I would just be listening to you. I'm not going over your head. They don't fucking don't want me around there. You fuck them. You know, I don't give a shit.

I'm tired of going over there being like, hey, well, you want to fucking hang out and they go, yeah, get the fuck out of here. So it's just like, all right, I get it. I get it. There's no reason to be stubborn. You know, about it. It's weird because your heart's involved,

but anybody with a brain would be like, well, dude, that's going to be a fucking miserable marriage. You know, Jesus Christ. And then what they're going to show up at the fucking at the wedding, just fucking mean mugging you the whole time. I'll tell you this. If you marry a fucking a lope, that's the way to do it. You know, I would go, I would go that way.

I don't know dude. See, see, now you got to do all of this shit. Now you got to do all of this already be hard enough. You know, dirty, be hard enough. You get married. It's already going to be hard enough. And now you're going to add that fuck that shit. I don't know, but you love her.

So I don't know what to tell you. Get out. All right. That's it. I'm going to watch that UFC and that MotoGP. I'll fucking, even I'll be old news. I don't give a fuck. I'll make it funny.

I'll talk about on Thursday. Have a great couple of days. You cunt. And I'll check it on you in a few days. Thank you.