Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-1-12

Episode Date: April 30, 2012

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about racists in Boston, throwing high kicks while wearing slacks, and the whores.

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Trust your Instinct, follow your license. Information and information on BMW.b Podcast for Monday, April 30th. I just slammed the fucking mixer. Now everything's too quiet. Hello, hello, hello my baby. Hello my honey. Where the fuck have you been?

You fucking hoover. It's fucking 2 AM. What's up? How are you? I'm back from the East Coast. Back from the East Coast, I did a wonderful gig at the University of Concord in Concord, New Hampshire. I had an awesome time.

I want to thank everybody who came out. I had a great time. And I don't know what to tell you. It's been a while since I did a college gig. It was actually cool because it was open to the public. Usually when they have college gigs, they're not open to the public. In case you were wondering, in case you didn't understand,

when I said usually they're not open to the public the first time. Whatever the fuck I said, I don't know what I just said. Usually it's just all going to be students. Students and then a couple of crabby teachers hanging in the background, or maybe some rat of a student who's going to sit there and wait for you to say something, you know, and then write about it and blog about it. And the next thing you know, you're on Good Morning America.

Good Morning America, right? Who pitched that fucking show? I mean God knows it's a hit, but Jesus Christ. How did you pitch that name for a show without either snickering as you said the name of the show or having your balls pull up inside of you? I want to do a show nationally syndicated. It starts at six in the morning and it's called Good Morning America.

Good morning America, how are you? Why would you do that? I just want to sit there and be pleasant for three hours. Do you know I took a meeting with somebody the other day? Yes, I just said that. That's how hollywood I am. I took a meeting and by taking a meeting, I mean I went out and I got a fucking omelet set across from somebody. So they had like fucking toast between their tiffas.

And I don't think it's ever going to happen for me people. I think I'm going to be like Willie Nelson. I think I'm going to be on the road my whole life man because I got to tell you, I got to tell you what, I got that freedom in my bones man. I fucked up, you know what I mean? I fucked up in my career. How did you fuck up Bill?

I stayed out there too long, you know, like that 43 year old guy still in the clubs sucking in his gut with the button down shiny shirt still hitting on the ladies, right? Teeth are already starting to discolor, you know, because you're so old no matter how much you brush them, they still just after a while, you just can't keep up with the red wine tide.

It just keeps turning your teeth just a little grayer. And I stayed out on the road too long. I did. I was a stand-up comic for too long. I fucked up. I fucked up. And now I don't know how to work with other people because for 20 years it's been, hey, here's an idea.

And then I go, yeah, I agree with that. You know why? Because it's my idea. I totally agree with that shit. And now, now all of a sudden, I'm coming in from the fucking bush, right? After 20 goddamn tours and now I got to sit here and try and work with other people. I don't know how to do it.

I really shouldn't be saying this on my podcast. I don't know how to fucking do it. You know, we saw your tape. We really liked it. We thought that you were, we have really mainstream sort of comedy. Yeah, I really don't think it's mainstream. I say cunt every other word.

Yeah, I know, but there's a mainstream sensibility to it. And I'm literally sitting there going, all right, this is an argument in fucking six weeks. Right? I don't know. I'm gonna know what I'm talking about. What the fuck was I going with that? Oh, let's rewind.

We were in New Hampshire. Beautiful goddamn state, by the way. And the people aren't as simple as they try to make them every year. Every four years, you know, when there's a presidential election, and they do that little quaint piece about the primaries, though, he started out with

a state called New Hampshire. Down to earth kind of fucking people. Whenever they say salt of the earth, down to earth, that's their euphemism for calling you retarded. You know what I mean? There really is sort of a media bias where if you don't live in New York or LA, you're just considered a fucking moron.

You know what I mean? All those goddamn shows. You just a fucking moron. All the goddamn TV shows. You know, there's always this smart person who moved from New York or some major city back to their hometown, and everybody there is a fucking retard, right?

But I don't know. Maybe there's some fucking truth to it. Who the hell knows? So anyways, I'm up in Concord, New Hampshire, beautiful state, lush state. Plenty of trees, plenty of water, plenty of game and fish, you know? Plenty of fatties, right?

They're a food source. They're already marbled. You ever think about that when you think about yourself as like what kind of shape you're in? Like if someone was to throw you on a grill, like what kind of steak would you be? You know, would you be a lean kind of meat, you know, make a filet mignon,

or would you be a fucking New York strip of goddamn ribeye? One of those John Candy steaks. I gotta tell you, I've been on the fucking road a little bit. Now you know what is, I taped my special and then I was just like, well fuck it, I can get fat again

because I don't gotta worry about being on TV for another two years. So I started eating Sundays. What else did I eat? I just started having lunches like you did when you were in the seventh grade. You know, there's like a bag of Fritos and a soda and some sort of protein was somehow in there, right?

Some bread. Anyways, I'm trying to dance around this fucking subject, but the Bruins lost. Bruins lost. There's nothing like, there's nothing like, I don't know. Losing an overtime sucks, but I don't know what it is about hockey.

It's just so fucking, it just, it killed you, right? So he lose, but I gotta be honest with you, the Capitals were definitely the better team. I felt they were the better team pretty much every game. This guy Kevin Dupont for the Boston Globe wrote a great article where he just basically summed up the series where they just were

always a little better, a little quicker, had a little better defense, a little better forechecking, just a little better everything. So they deserve it. Fucking pricks. So then what happens, right? The overtime goal for people who aren't hockey fans

was scored by a guy who was not white. He was not Asian. I was a black guy, scored the goal, right? So then like, you know, it's game seven, it's in Boston, Boston loses. So right then, you know, what's gonna happen? All the fucking races come out of the woodwork,

all the text, like, god damn, a hundred of those things, just calling the guy the n-word. Like shit that they would cut out of the script in like Mississippi burning, going like, all right, you know what, that's too fucking harsh. So I start getting all these emails going, dude, what's up with all the races,

Boston fans and blah, blah, blah, trashing me and I'm like, oh, isn't this hilarious? You know, this is hilarious. So basically, you're not supposed to judge all by a few, but it's okay to do it in this direction. So I'm on my fucking high horse, right? So I go back to Boston, just so happens this weekend and I'm hanging out

one night, I have off in Boston and I hate to admit it, I heard the n-word twice, I heard it alluded to another time and I just finally had to, I had to fucking go home. You know, I'm not saying it's worse than Alabama, but I don't think it's any better. It's fucking brutal. Granted, I did go to a moron bar.

It was the gene pool I was in, but I, you know, I can't defend it. I can't defend it anymore. It's fucking embarrassing. I don't know. It's fucking embarrassing. Good morning America, how are you? All right, let's get on with the fucking,

and unbelievably ignorant too, you know? I just fucking, I just, for the life of me, I don't get it. One of the guys had a lazy eye too, that's what killed me. You know, it's like, dude, have you looked in two mirrors simultaneously and seen what you're looking at? How, what the fuck are you looking down on anybody? No, no, so now I gotta trash people with lazy eyes

to get my point across that I don't appreciate racist people. I'm a fucking idiot myself. But you know what? I'm gonna, I'm doing something about it. Unlike those morons I ran to back in my fucking embarrassing city over the weekend. I'm sick of not having a good science background, so I actually went to a bookstore, one of the few remaining bookstores out there,

and I bought a book on how to rebuild a carburetor, and I also bought a book on the elements. It's hilarious, it's this big, giant book. And my mind is already blown, because this shit is like magic to me. Telling me that my foot, that everything's made out of matter. What the fuck did it say? The earth, this book, your foot, everything is tangible.

Everything tangible is made of elements. Your foot is made mostly of oxygen, with quite a bit of carbon joining it, giving it structure to the organic molecules that define you as an example of carbon-based life. I was like, that just fucking blew my mind. I didn't know there was carbon in me. Carbon fiber?

I didn't know what carbon fiber, what do they do? Isn't that like in bulletproof vests? This is how dumb I am, I have no idea. So then I'm sitting there going, so does that mean you can kind of shoot me in the foot with some sort of low-calibre gun, and it's gonna wreck a shea off? Or if it goes through, does all the air come out?

I just don't get it. I don't fucking get it, all right? I've gone on these fucking websites. I try and read about how a plane flies. I swear to God, Wikipedia, it's hilarious. Like, you know, when you read about trying to figure out how to goddamn plane flies, they have, you know, they'll have whatever.

They'll have like, you know, two pages on the shit, basically explaining how it goes down, and like every paragraph has like two words highlighted, in case you don't know what that means. And I have to click on every word. So I'll click on a word, and then they start to define that, and then it's the same thing. It's another page of shit,

where every paragraph there's three more things highlighted, and then I gotta click on that thing, and I just keep getting further and further away from how the fucking plane flies. And I get all the way down to like page one of Wikipedia. It's goddamn like, you know, scratch and sniff picture with some lady with like a sock puppet trying to explain to me.

Let's just start really, really slow, Bill. I'm sick of it. All right. I think there's something, I don't know what's going on with my truck. It hesitates in first gear. First gear. So I thought it was a clutch.

Someone else says, it could be the clutch or it could be in your carburetor. So I start reading up on carburetors, right? And the whole fucking, the whole philosophy, create a vacuum, and whatever that word is, when you turn a liquid into a goddamn mist, and at the end of it, I'm just looking at this thing going,

this is just a bunch of fucking screws and springs. You know, why don't I just go into the junkyard, get one, take it apart, and put it back together, and just keep reading these fucking books, and eventually, at some point, it has to click, right? So that's what I'm doing. I went on eBay because I'm too fucking lazy, because I'm a fucking Hollywood phony,

rather than go down to a salvage yard, you know, I'm going to fucking just go on eBay and bid on some old carburetor. That's going to be a fight when that thing shows up. It's going to be a little box, and he is going to see it and think I bought her something nice. Oh, it has a lot of weight to it. It's got to be expensive.

I wonder if it's shiny. And then she's going to open it up. There's going to be some old fucking, old ass carburetor. You know, I don't know. Can you guys at least give me points for trying? Does that work? How about Paul Versey last week, everybody?

You became a father again today. Congratulations to New Jersey's own Paul Versey. Had a beautiful baby girl today. How much did he kill it last week? You know, most people, 90% of people loved him, and then there was people who weren't into sports, and they thought it was like the worst podcast ever. I had some fucking douchebag from across the way.

I don't know where it was, over in Europe or something. And he goes, why don't you just call your podcast a sports podcast, just so you know you're losing all of your foreign listeners, right? Like he speaks for all of fucking Swahili. I hate when people do that shit. And it was one fucking goddamn podcast, and I've talked about sports every fucking podcast. All right, you selfish cunt.

How fucking unfunny are the people in your country that you have to go all the way across the Atlantic Ocean to find a podcast to listen to, you jackass? Let me tell you something, a person from another country. Don't fucking threaten me. All right, you cunt. I don't give a fuck if you listen to this or not. I really don't.

So don't send me fucking Twitter messages like I'm sitting here shaking. All right? I don't need you to continue to make no money. You ever thought about that? Fucking sitting here buying used goddamn carburetors. You can sit there and threaten me like you're taking something away from me. Go fuck yourself with your wooden shoes. Huh?

What are you, living in Greece or something? You mad at me because of your fucking economy? What the hell is going on over there? I don't understand how that whole thing collapsed. Everybody rioted. But still, everybody is still fine, you know? People are eating. They're not happy, but you know, they're out there having a Greek salad.

Do they call it a Greek salad over there? Do they just say let me get a salad, you know? Or like in Philly, they go, let me get a cheesesteak. They don't go, let me get a Philly. Let me get a Philadelphia cheesesteak. Let me get a steak on a stale bun with fucking cheese whiz. Jesus Christ, no other people are so fat and ugly in that goddamn city, huh? They won the other day, right?

Philadelphia is a big win. Danny Breer. It's the only time I've ever seen a guy score two goals in one overtime. You did the impossible. First time you did it, he was a cheetah, you know? There was a kicking motion. I was in a bar actually drinking when that happened. Listening to people say racist things to me.

Dude, it's bad enough that they lost, but then the guy who scored, it was like fucking insult to injury. You know what I'm saying, kid? And I was like, what are you, one of those fucking racists on Twitter? Oh, no, no, no, I'm just, you know, I'm just saying. I think when people do, they fucking backtrack the ignorance of what people were saying to me. Yeah, dude, you hear about so and so? Yeah, I got two fucking kids and then his wife went gay. Swear to God.

Direct quote. His wife went gay. Yeah, she's fucking abroad now. Fucking sucks, kid. Went gay. You know, like, like you, I went to the store. Then I went to the post office and then I went gay. That's, that's what happens.

There's a little, there's a store down there's a little homosexuality store that you can go to. Fuck jaw-droppingly stupid. Not saying everybody. The irony is that Harvard is there. That's the funny thing at MIT and all that, you know, so Boston has this weird fucking sort of like, you know, couple people who are really smart and then the rest of us are, uh, it's, it is goodwill hunting except we're not good at math. Oh, that stupid fucking movie.

Jesus Christ, he's a genius at math and he goes around beating the shit out of people. When was the last time a math league went around bullying people, you know? And then what, an accountant who can do 30 pull-ups? What else? What, I mean, how much of a fucking leap am I supposed to make in these goddamn movies? You know what line I hate the most in goodwill hunting? I know I brought this up before is when fucking, uh, they're in the therapy session. And, uh, you know, he's got the hammer, the wrench and I said I took the fucking wrench because, you know, fuck him, right?

Um, or whatever the fucking line is. And then they ask, he asked Robin Williams what he's benching and he says 260. There's no way that was written in the script. How much power does Robin Williams have that the director won't be like, Hey, Robin, can you drop that number down a little bit so this movie can stay remotely believable. 260 what after you add up benching 70 pounds, 10 times? Wait, 70 pounds, 10, that's 700. Ah, what?

Let's go back to the book of elements here. Um, anyways, plowing ahead. Um, this is the Monday morning podcast, by the way. And a lot of you have been, a lot of you have been giving me shit, by the way, because lately they haven't been coming out. I have a phenomenal fucking excuse that you're going to understand in about 10 months as to why I was late. All right, you cunts. Why do you call it the Monday morning podcast?

Because I record them on Monday mornings, except when I'm busy and I love for the most part, I get the fucking thing out. You know, right now it's 1030 Monday morning, my time when I'm doing this fucking thing. So it is the Monday morning podcast in my fucking world. Can you stop making it about yourself? And then every once in a while, once in a fucking blue moon, I'm so busy, I can't get it done until a Tuesday and all these fucking cunts come out of the woodwork. Why don't you go to fucking Wednesday afternoon?

Why don't you go fucking slap your mom? Why don't you do that a couple of times? Forehand, backhand, forehand. And then just fucking give her one of those little nose twisties. For being dumb enough to not be on birth control. All right, advertising advice. Uh, hey Bill, instead of telling people to go to your podcast page and click on the Amazon link, tell them to go to your podcast page, clear the cookies on their browser,

then click the amazon.com link. As soon as they get there, add the page to their bookmarks. Then every time they visit amazon.com from the bookmarks, their bookmarks, it's the same as clicking the link on your page without actually having to go there. It's the fucking future, man. That's what he wrote. Um, yeah. If my listeners are smart enough to do that, I don't know, how do you clear the cookies?

How do you do that? I don't know how to do it. I bought a new laptop by the way, everybody. And it's the most annoying thing ever is now I don't know how to do anything. You know, I can't fucking do anything anymore. I want to, I can't even figure out how to fucking put a photo up to make it my screensaver. I don't know how to do it now because now it's completely fucking different on the new Mac book pro. You know, I don't understand these fucking computers.

It's like, you know, I go out and I buy a car. Faster technology a little, but I still know how to drive it. Gas break, put it in drive, you know, this, not these fucking cunts. Not all fucking no belt, Magoo there, whatever the fuck his name is, the guy with the new balance who finally died. Thank God that douchebag always switching everything up, never having the chargers fit the old phone, all his shit going into the ocean. You know, I love how that guy like used to compare himself to Gandhi. Did Gandhi, did he have like a sweatshop of people jumping to their deaths because they were making Gandhi fucking iPads?

That guy had a lot of balls, man. You know, he really did with his turtleneck and his salt and pepper pubes. I really didn't like him. Been a pothead for 10 years. Here we go. Here we go. 20 minutes in. Been a pothead for 10 years.

Hey Bill, I'm a comedy junkie among other things and I really appreciate your show. Well, thank you very much. It helps me get through my commute and the awkwardness of working in a law firm. And I just want to say I appreciate your show. It's really a release for me. Why is it awkward working in a law firm? Has that word awkward just kind of lost all meaning? Is that like the default adjective?

Everybody goes, everybody goes to now. Hey, ran into your girlfriend the other night in the bar. Awkward. Why was it awkward? It's a bar. What happened in there that was awkward? You work in a law firm. Why is that awkward?

That sounds like a very good job. Why am I speaking like a robot? Anyways, but anyway, I've smoked weed on and off taking year breaks here and there since about 2001 when I was in high school. However, when I did smoke, I smoked every day multiple times a day. It really didn't affect me much until recently about eight years of this. After about eight years of this, when I turned 25, I started to notice some slowness physically, mentally, and just in everything I did. I hated it, but I didn't want to stop smoking. I could very well stop easily, but I'd always feel like I'd be happier high.

I remember you talking about some guy you knew who freaked out when he found out he couldn't smoke when you took him on a road trip. That is a little extreme to me, and I am nowhere near that type of personality. I'm now 26 and I'm slowing down quite a bit to just once a night, if at all. We can also get expensive the more you smoke. I think smoking is okay, but if you haven't, then I wouldn't. Because it's sort of like beer where it starts off as nothing and ends up as a crutch. Anyways, I just feel like if you smoke, that's fine, but be organized about it and make sure it's not affecting your personality or other types of interaction or whatever. Honestly, I wish I never smoked in my life because it's so hard to look at someone smoking it and not want to ask for a toke.

If anyone who smokes weed wants some advice, mine would be move to California, get a card, smoke your heart out, and find out how positive slash negative it really is. At least this way, you're doing it legally. I know this because I did it. Not for the weed, more for a girlfriend, but I digress. And if anyone cares, Girl Scout cookies are the shit. By the way, if you thought I was white, I'm not, I'm Chinese. All right, I think he was a little high when he wrote that last paragraph.

By the end of it, he's just fucking, he's eating cookies, getting paranoid. They think I'm white, man. Yeah, I think weed is just like, I think in a lot of ways it's like booze in that, you know, you have a beer here, you have a beer there. It's not a big deal, but yeah, it starts consuming your life. I mean, that's a major statement like, you know, I could not smoke weed, but I just feel I would be happier if I did. For some reason with weed, people don't really see that as that's like a major red flag. It's just not considered, that's actually considered funny and like logical. But like if I said, you know, I don't have to drink, but I just feel like my life is happier when I do or I'd be happier if I was drunk.

You know what I mean? Or people will get like high before they go and go to work and they're kind of like high for the first couple hours. Like that would be like me shot gunning a couple of beers in the parking lot. I mean, just picture that, you know, he walking by and you see your boss, you catch him mid like, you know, he's looking out of his peripheral as he's sucking on the side of a bud tall, you know, I don't know. I think it's definitely like anything. It can't be good to sit there putting all that fucking smoke in your lungs the same way. I don't know. I think the danger about alcohol is when you're fucking up your liver. I don't think you really notice until it's fucked up. Whereas like I think if you smoke a lot, you kind of oh my God, I'm really winded.

This is really affecting me. I think like your liver is, you know, only recently I started learning about how bad booze. I mean, you always hear that cirrhosis of the liver, but I mean, I thought you literally had to be walking around with a glass in your hand all the time. And I know a number of guys who are, you know, dealing with that shit now and lemon, put lemon in your water, clears out your fucking liver. So what was what was actually your point here? Been a podhead for 10 years. You're just sharing your experience as you rolled up another one and got super paranoid. All right.

Cheating whore is a great story. Bill, I want to thank you for helping me out with a really hard time in my life. I'm 24 years old, a student at a university and I had a girlfriend. Could this font be any fucking smaller? And I had a girlfriend two years younger than me. We were going out for seven months. She's working at a local cafe and about three weeks ago out of the fucking blue comes to me and tells me that a regular at the cafe was hitting on her. She told me that she had a boy.

She told him that she had a boyfriend and was reassuring to me that nothing was going on. But we had some problems in our relationship that we needed to fix because she felt good with all the flirting and she didn't want to cheat on me. Wait a minute. But we had some problems in our relationship that we needed to fix because she felt good with all the flirting and she didn't want to cheat on me. Oh, so she liked this guy hitting on him. Oh, Jesus. Anyways, he says I took that shit hard and I told her I would do anything to make her happy even though she knew I loved her. So I did.

I gave her all my time and energy to make her happy. Oh, there you go. There's a fucking recipe for misery. Fuck all my dreams. Let me sit here and cater to your emotions, you cunt. That was the cliff notes. Anyways, then one week ago, she calls me and breaks up with me. It tells me that she fucked with that guy because she was developing strong feelings for me and was scared that I would hurt her.

Oh, Jesus. You got to give it up to him. You got to give it up. Women are like there. A guy has to learn how to be a pimp. Women just naturally know how to do it. And I swear to God, it all comes down to the fact that they can't beat the shit out of us. The fact that we could beat the living shit out of a woman is what kills us in an argument because you're taking solace in something that you're never going to do.

You know, it's this card you're never going to play hopefully unless you're a fucking animal. Meanwhile, they're developing themselves mentally and figuring out how you work psychologically and they're just like, I really think once you're in a relationship. Just to make it fair to help the guy. I think like three days a week or at least during the arguments, like the second the argument starts, the woman should always have on like tear away clothes and she pulls them off and then she's immediately dressed like Hannibal Lecter. You know, that ice cream man outfit that he had, you know, has her hair slick back. So you just really know what you're fucking with. That is brilliant. Can you imagine trying to say that to your girl?

Listen, I fucked this hottie at work, but it's only because I care about you so much. And I was worried that you were going to hurt me because my love for you is so deep. Jesus. You know what, I think I would high fiver. I'd high fiver on a couple of her fucking press on nails off. That was a good one. So anyways, he goes, I know it's fucking retarded. I lost my mind.

I went to the cafe and I beat the shit out of that guy. Wow. Mainly because if I didn't, I was going to beat her and she didn't deserve to find any excuse. What? Mainly because if I didn't, I was going to beat her and she didn't deserve to find any excuse. And because he was an a-hole for hitting on a girl who was in a relationship. Um, yeah, dude, I don't know about that. I don't know about that.

He's doing what a guy does. A guy goes around and tries to fuck women. Okay. He's not in a relationship with her and he's certainly not in a relationship with you. The person who was wrong in that is the woman. You know, now if that guy knows you or you came down, you gave him a warning. You know, came down with your Clint Eastwood eyes all squinted up. Stay away from her.

You know, you did one of those and then he didn't. Then that's on him, but you just come out of nowhere. Can you please elaborate on that? Like what was he doing? Was he down at the restaurant? Like, you know, making a fucking egg over easy and all of a sudden you came walking in. Did you beat him down the street? Like fucking, uh, Sonny and the Godfather.

Did he just throw it into some like trash, little trash can lid or something like that? Like one of those fucking, the whole, oh God damn fucking neighborhood season. Um, I actually respect it in a way, but you shouldn't do it because then you get sued. And then she actually feels like she's right. See, I knew you was crazy. Um, now the bitch is blaming me for making a scene. Oh, there it is. And because her boss, her bosses look at her and think she is a whore.

If she, if she didn't, if she didn't thought about the, if she didn't think about the consequences. Why should I was, was I in the wrong? I don't want to regret what I did because she deserved it. All I did was love her and she slept with another guy. It fucking hurts, man. It really does. I can't move on. Thank you for hearing me out.

All right. You know what? Um, when I said you shouldn't have beat, beat the guy up, that, that was for you. That had nothing to do with her. I just don't want you to get sued or go to jail or, uh, you know, you know, you get a fucking record. I mean, dude, you're, you're, you're, you made a move there that could alter your future. And believe me, dude, there's a great thing about horse is when you really. There's a, I mean, this is going to hurt like hell, but there's going to be a moment where you're going to find this fucking hilarious.

You really, you've got to believe me on this one. At some point you're going to be talking about it out loud to your friends and you're just going to say the situation out loud that you were in. And there'll be enough time has gone by that your feelings for this girl have faded. And it's almost like it's somebody else and you're going to laugh at yourself and then you're going to laugh at the whole fucking thing. And it's probably going to hit you that it was that why did I risk going to jail? Maybe, you know, I don't have, I have like a felony or something like that on your record. Like, dude, this isn't the mother of your kids. All right, you can't trust this girl as far as you can fucking throw her. You know, you can't as far as you could fucking pick her up by the back of her fucking G string and the scruff of that awful tattoo on the back of her net.

That she, if she doesn't have it, she's going to get at some point and you can't trust her. 00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:39,000 So you just got to get through the bullshit and you're going to be fine, but in the future, dude, I would not go. I mean, you just basically, uh, you're like the transporter for real. You just, you did, you did like the movie version of what everybody wants to do in that situation, but you did it for real and you somehow got away with it. Did you split your fucking slacks when you threw that high kick to his fucking cheekbone? I just read that recent, I read an article about that guy, Jason Statham, how he has to have special pants on. He has, he can kick his legs so fucking high you can't do that in a suit without it ripping.

Now, if I was directing the movie, I would be like, dude, that's going to make this fucking movie so much better that if you're standing there in some Anderson little suit and you're kicking so much ass, your slacks are literally off your fucking legs. How funny would that be? Then he's standing there in the end. His fucking, his slacks are looking like, you know, the Hulk's pants, right? Bill Bixby's pants after he turns into the Hulk. That would be the funniest fucking thing ever. Nobody would be all like the inseam and the crotch, but like down by the bottom off.

I would totally have it. I'd be like, dude, we got to do this with real slacks and you have to wear knee-high black socks with fucking sock garters. We'll just do one like this. Jason, can we just do one like this? Yeah, dude, you did, you went the real deal on this, so luckily you got away with it. And I think it's great that everybody knows that she's a fucking whore. And, dude, just the fact that, look, she fucked around and immediately tried to put the guilt on you. Then you went down there and beat the shit out of that guy because she's a whore and now she's coming back at you once again blaming you.

So this would have been the cycle that you would have had if you decided to share your life with this person. They would constantly be hurting you and then blaming you saying that you were the reason. And I swear to God, you know what's fucking awful is there's guys out there in relationships like that just allowing these women to do shit like this, you know? But it's never talked about on TV because it's considered misogynistic because it's not every woman doing it. It's not every woman. That's just a select few. Yeah, I know. So are the guys who beat the shit out of women.

Those are a select few. Doesn't stop you from talking about it, nor should it. All right there. Hypothetical talk show host that I'm sitting across from. All right, let's do some advertising everybody. Hey, are you ready? Are you ready for some advertising? Sit on down, everybody.

Get out of fucking pencil. What the hell is it? I'm the goddamn worst. I had this whole fucking thing set up. 00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:36,000 All right. Hey, everybody, stamps.com. I think you got this one memorized at this point.

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I put on my little visor. I got my little scale. Bang, bang, boom. I can do it whenever I want 24-7 whenever I want to. There's no more going, oh, damn it. I should have gone to the post office. The post office is always open because it's in your apartment. Anyways, this is the deal.

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Once again, it shows you how awesome stamps.com is because I can actually figure it out. And I'm a moron. There you go. All right. Friends' whore problem. Cheating whore friends. A lot of whore stuff this week. You know, if I was into the stars, the lovely Nia, everybody.

Where you going? Are you going to go work out? All right. I'll see you later. Bringing the dog down. What's up, puppy? What's up, puppy? Oh, Bojangles.

You know what's great about a pit bull is you can really throw them around. You know? That's right. I was hanging at a friend's house and he had this little cute little dog. And I swear to God, this thing must have weighed like two pounds. I was like afraid to touch it after messing with this thing. My dog's made out of titanium. Dude, you smell.

You need a bath. You know? Hey, codependent, why don't you go lay down over there? All right. And don't step on my book about the elements. Cleo, lay down. Lay down. Why do they always got to walk around for like 20 seconds in a circle before they figure

out how they're going to lie down? What's the deal? Uh, friends whore problem. Mr. Burr, I love the podcast and would really appreciate some advice regarding my best friend and me. Uh, okay. Let's try and guess where this is going. Either your best friend is dating a whore or your best friend is a whore.

If your best friend is a whore, why wouldn't you want to fuck her? Why don't I just read it? All right. Let me start with some background information. My best friend and I have known each other since I can remember, but recently I'm almost at the point of losing contact with him because he acts like a fucking idiot over some douchebag girl. He's never been a ladies man.

So he's been on and off with this one, this one cunt for quite a while. Oh yeah, he's hanging on to it. He's hanging on to it. That's what he's doing. Yep. He's afraid another one's not going to come along and he's clinging to that, that one piece like that, uh, like Leonardo at the end of Titanic. Um, and he's going to have the same fate.

And this girl always used to have a boyfriend. Always has to have a boyfriend. Cheats on them all the time, not exaggerating. High school dropout and she loves any drama she can get. Jesus Christ. She loves any drama she can get her grimy, come covered hands on. I hate this whore very much. Yeah, in case we didn't understand that with the first six sentences, uh, there are not

enough adjectives in the dictionary or synonyms in the fucking thesaurus to describe this piece of shit. So now to the story. A couple of months ago, she dumped her boyfriend and a day later started dating my best friend. Nobody in our group of friends liked her and she always acted like she was miserable while dating my friend. Weeks after them dating, uh, the old cum dumpster is pregnant. Oh, uh, get a paternity test immediately.

Get one of them little swabby swabs. Uh, he came anyways, he came inside. All right, dude. Jesus, we get it. All right. He based, let me, let me try and clean this up. Uh, he had unprotected sex with her to completion, uh, because she told him it's almost impossible for her to get pregnant.

My friend is an idiot for falling for that. So instantly he jumped into marrying this girl at the age of 19 and dating only three or four weeks. What the fuck? She went to the doctor and they told her she had been pregnant almost two weeks prior to him busting inside her and how she, and how she acted. She knew this. I don't know how she was acting.

She knew this the whole time. Also the boyfriend before my friend busted inside her many times, obviously. So lo and behold, this slut runs to her ex because he's the dad. So she got the drama she wanted. Now, well, that's good then. So this kid's not getting stuck with the kid. Now, several months later, my friend is back to talking to this girl and this is where I'm pissed off beyond belief. He still somehow likes this girl that played him, acted like a complete bitch while dating him and cheated on him while dating.

He thinks the kid might be his and also said if it is his, he would get back together with her. So the advice I'm asking is so the advice to you guys. Come on, man. Do a little proof read here. So the, the advice I'm asking for is how do I tell my friend to quit talking to this pathetic human being and quit being a douche about thinking about that baby might be his when obviously it's not and move on with his life because that girl will never be happy and never stop being a cunt. I've tried to tell him to not talk to her and if she wants a paternity test when it's born to take care of the whole thing, but Bob, I don't need to read the rest of this. Thanks, Mr. Burr. I really appreciate your advice on how to get him to stop being a douche.

You can't help him. You can't help this kid. I mean, these aren't little drama moments. This is the biggest drama you could possibly have at 19 when it comes to dating. All right. And you would think that after he went through the, oh my God, she's pregnant and then found out it was somebody else's that he wouldn't keep coming back. This dude has major fucking problems. He needs to go see a therapist.

It's not on you. All right. It's not on you. What are you going to do? Jump in the car with him and try and grab the wheel from him as he pulls back and takes you over the cliff with him. Fuck it. It's not your problem. It's the good fellas moment.

He's content to be a jerk. Let him be a jerk. It's out of your hands. You know, and if you don't want to look at it, I would just stop hanging out with him. What are you supposed to do? Everybody, you know something I hate to say this. For the most part, everybody has one guy like that in their crew. There's always one guy who's going to marry the whore and find out 15 years later that it's not his kid.

And, you know, and there's going to be one person in your crew that's going to try and tell him that and the kid's going to flip out and not talk to him at all. And then 15 years later, they'll run into each other in a bar and be like, yeah, you kind of, you kind of right. So what are you going to do? I mean, what the fuck more does this kid need? He's an idiot. That kid is an idiot. You know, so he might as well marry an idiot because that cancels both of them out and it saves a decent human being on both sides. You know, I don't want to tell you, he's just psyched.

If anybody will fuck him regardless of the situation. And she's a horse. So she knows, you know, you know, she's fucking his brains out. So I really don't have anything funny to say about that. That's just, that's fucking awful. And it's got to suck for you because that's your friend. But, you know, you're going to lose some friends in life. I got to tell you, there's a number of different ways you lose friends in life.

You know, the awful ways they die or you fuck around with their women or they fuck around with your women. There's the, you're dating someone who's doing shit like this person. And then there's the other ones where, you know, you start doing well in life and they're not. And then they resent you or the other way around. Maybe you're the resentful cunt, but you're going to lose some friends. So you lost one because you're not going to be able to hang out with this kid anymore. I don't know, just, I don't know what to tell you, dude. You fuck, he's, where the fuck is his dad?

Where's his mom? Where are the people like advising this kid? Jesus Christ. I would fucking lock that kid up in the room, room above the garage, like a heroin addict. And I just keep giving him chicken noodle soup until he got over this fucking chick. I don't know. Jesus, I hope this one's fucking upbeat. I'm a shitty uncle.

I'm shitty uncle. Hey, Bill, I'm a lady listener. And before I jump into it here, I just want to say that as a female listener, I don't have a problem with any of your women trashing. Hey, nice to see someone has a sense of humor. I think the only women that get offended or insulted by what you talk about are the ones who can relate to or feel they reflect in some way what you're talking about. Ah, sometimes, and then sometimes I am a moron, but I appreciate you actually seeing that. Anyways, maybe you're talking about the gold diggin' whores are just overall annoyance of women. Clearly, that's not all women, but ones who send you shitty emails feel like you're speaking of them because they are like that.

Fuck them. Fuck them. I think it's hilarious. Absolutely ridiculous when one listener out of a thousand takes one thing you talk about and tries to make it personal. What a bunch of cunts. You know what? This weekend when I did my show and I closed with my gold diggin' whores bit, I was selling DVDs afterwards. You know, horn myself out, showing a little bit of leg as I do.

And this couple came up and the woman paid and some other woman yelled as she walked by. Yeah, you saw who just paid. You saw who just paid. And I used to take the bait on that and I just left. I just left and it warmed my heart knowing that I annoyed the shit out of her with my closing 10 minute gold diggin' whore bit. So anyways, here we go. So here's the family problem. I'd appreciate your perspective on it.

I've got this absolute asshole of an uncle. He's a recovered alcoholic who's landed himself a wife with money. Oh, Jesus. The guy's been a con man since I can remember. It's just that now he's a sober con man. Yeah, I really don't like addicts, generally speaking. Generally speaking, that some of the most selfish motherfuckers on the planet and they do some of the most inconsiderate shit that you could possibly do. And anytime you call him on it, they always say, sorry, it's got a lot of shit coming up now.

I mean, it's a lot of stuff is coming up. I don't know. I'll probably get some fucking letters on that. Emails. No one writes letters anymore. So anyways, he's always been a fucking annoying, fucking annoying and arrogant. But recently he fucked my parents for money. My parents felt heartbroken and betrayed over this.

I've always hated him and hate him even more now that he made my mother cry and made my father angry. In order to stay in my father's good graces, he threw my mother and I under the bus in an email to my dad one day saying everything was our fault. I was glad when my father finally told him off and said not to contact me or my mother again. Well, here's my question. How the fuck did you know that he was a piece of shit con man before they did a few weeks ago? I had to go to my grandfather's birthday. My mom and dad couldn't make it. So my boyfriend and I went alone. I didn't acknowledge my uncle when I said hi to everyone and kept my distant throughout the day.

He kept interrupting any conversation I was having with other relatives to make an obnoxious joke about me or Philly. I live in Philly and love it. My uncle is from Philly but lives in New York and now is all about it. Yankees, cheesecake and all. He trashes Philly all the time which pisses me off because he knows I like it there. He even went up to my boyfriend who was wearing an Eagles hat and started talking shit to him. She goes, yeah, I know that might be justified there. Everything he did was rude and disrespectful.

He never said hello or asked about my mom and dad. When I left, I was angry for days and he didn't say anything to him or call him out. So my question to you, Bill, is should I say something to my shitty uncle next time? He's always been a loudmouth son of a bitch but now it's personal and fucking rude that he continues to do it when he knows I know all this shit. Sometimes I think he still looks at me as this little girl niece but I don't need to read any more of this. What do you think? Any words of wisdom would help? Love the podcast.

Thanks in advance. Well, what you should have said was you should have announced to the entire party. My uncle is being rude to me because he fucked my parents out of money. Just something, just throw his fucking, throw his dirty laundry right out there. Just say, why are you being rude to me? Why are you deliberately being rude to me right now? I know he's weird. You can't like call him like a piece of shit.

I don't know but he won because he made you angry and he ruined your day. Why don't you just be condescending to him? Every time he talks to me, oh, you're adorable. Hey, who'd you fuck over today? You know, I heard they have an old folks home down the street. They like playing checkers. Maybe you can play some checkers or tiddly winks with them and steal their money. You know, just do shit like that.

Hey, good joke from the alcoholic over here everybody. I would just do stuff like that. Just throw his shit right in his face. No, you know what you do is you say all his shit but you just be really nice. Oh my God, my uncle, my favorite relative who's an alcoholic. I gotta tell you people, out of all the people who've stolen money from my parents, this guy here is my favorite. Just do shit like that.

Just keep complimenting him as you're calling him an absolute piece of shit. Who can't handle their booze? I still love you anyways. I just start drinking a beer right in front of him. Oh God, damn it. Is that delicious? Hey, you want one? Come on, you know you do.

Oh, that's right. You can't handle it. Who's a little baby? Then you just pinch his fat fucking booze cheeks. Just, I would do shit like that. Just annoy him back but don't sit there in silence and let this guy fucking do that to you. You know? Fuck, these levels too goddamn low.

Too low. Hello, hello. You know, I rented that movie to kill a mockingbird. I finally watched that movie and I gotta be honest with you, I don't get it. I don't get that movie. Who's supposed to be the mockingbird in that? Because the way I look at it, they killed the mockingbird. You know?

But then in the end, they act like Robert DuVall character is the mockingbird. He might be another one but wasn't the guy who was on trial a mockingbird? How come they didn't give a fuck about him? And I don't buy that he just ran away and then they shot him. I think that that was that racist shit where they just decided that they were going to kill him. So then they just made up that he ran away. See, this is what I like to do, people to close out the podcast. I like to bring up a movie that came out 60, 70 fucking years ago.

And talk about it like it came out like fucking six months ago. Oh, Jesus. Sorry. Let's finish up here with one last little advertisement. Gameslide.com everybody. Is that what it's called? I hope it is. Advertising schedule.

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That is two weeks and one day where you can access all 8,000 of those games for absolutely free. Just go to Gamefly.com slash Bill Burr. Click on the microphone and all that stuff and you'll be good. You will be good to go. 8,000 video games. Look at me. You know, bring the post office into your apartment, the games. Oh, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.

Did I do the Amazon.com yet? Did I kind of do that? You guys know the deal at this point. If you want to help my podcast and give 10% of what I make to the Wounded Warriors project, just go to billburr.com. Click on the podcast and then in the corner, you'll see the Amazon banner. You click on that and then just buy whatever you want to buy on Amazon.com. They kick me a percentage and then 10% of that I give to the Wounded Warriors project. And that's it.

That's it. That's the podcast for this week, everybody. How about those Celtics? You know, I actually tried to watch a Red Sox game yesterday. I watched, I don't even know anybody on the team anymore. You know, I finally saw what that Gonzalez guy looked like that we got from the Padres. I haven't watched in, I don't know, good couple of years. It was June of something, oh, nine or 2010.

That's when I just said, you know what? Fuck this. I can't watch this shit anymore. I just root for them to lose because I want Bobby Valentine to get fired. Although I do think it's funny that he tipped his cap when everyone was booing him. I do think that that's funny, but I hate when people just cause controversy and just make shit about themselves when they haven't accomplished anything. Did I just describe my podcast? All right.

Maybe on the Bobby Valentine of podcasting. I think you are. I think you are that fucking annoying. That's the podcast for this week, everybody. Where am I going to be coming up? Why don't I go to billbird.com and we'll see what's, what the deal is. Hey, can anybody tell me why dogs sleep so fucking much? They'll put, they won't, they'll put in eight hours and then you take them around the block and then they sleep for like another four hours and they get all antsy around noon time.

They come out again and then they just plop down and then they have one more burst of energy and then they're ready to sleep for another eight hours. Isn't that what like all wild animals do? Like don't like lines for the most part just laying around all day. You know, I guess I got to go kill something and then they go and they kill something. They fucking gorge themselves and then just lay around in the sun for like the next three days sleeping. Isn't that what they do? You know somebody down the street. I have to whisper because somebody down the street.

They bought two giant lions to have outside their house, you know, like the fake lions. It basically, it just screams new money. You know what I mean? That's like one of the, one of the first things you do. Like the average shithead who hits the lottery, you know what they're going to do, right? They're going to get a limo, go booze and they're going to buy a car, maybe pay off one bill, right? And then the very next thing they're going to do is they're going to buy two giant fucking lions to stand guard at the end of the driveway of their fucking apartment building.

I don't know why people do that, but these ones were actually decent. They were actually decent looking. All right, here's the upcoming events I have. My next row gig isn't until June 15th. Are you fucking serious? June, oh, I guess I'll be in LA building up my act. The San Jose improv on June 15th and June 16th. And on the 17th, it says San Jose improv, but we got to fix that.

I'm actually going to be at the Chicago theater with Steve Byrne, Vince Vaughn and all these other guys. I don't know who else is going to be there, but that's enough of a show right there, isn't it? June 17th, the Chicago theater. Oh, and June 15th and 16th. I'll also be performing with Chelsea Peretti, Sacramento zone. Chelsea Peretti. So, you know, she's psyched to get up there. That's why she's doing the gig.

You know, she wants to drive up and go see family up in Northern California. Ontario improv. I played June 29th, 30th and July 1st. Hampton Beach Ballroom Casino. Going white trash here, people. July 14th. Then I go to the Newport Yachting Center, July 15th. And I know what you're thinking there.

Oh, is that the Illuminati's comedy club? No, it is not. It's a parking lot with a tent over it. And I'll be performing there with some sort of makeshift air conditioner, pathetically trying to blow cold air on my giant forehead. And then my triumphant return to New York City. July 26th, 27th, 28th and 29th at Carolines on Broadway in New York, New York. And then we're into September football season.

And I'm going to be doing cities that I have never done before like Orlando. 8th, 9th, 7th, 8th and 9th. Look at that. Orlando, Florida. That's it. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. Thank you to everybody who's been listening.

The podcast has been growing. Thanks to everybody who's been going on to Amazon.com, GameFlight.com and Stamps.com. Appreciate it. I don't know when I'll ever see any money from any of these things. It's amazing how this advertising works. You know, they advertise and then like nine months later, they finally send you a check. You know, thank you for your wonderful work hyping the new Palm Pilot back in 2001. All right, that's it.

Is there anything that any shit I wanted to talk about any sports? Hey, Bill, who do you like for the fucking NBA championship? Anybody but the Lakers. Anybody but the Lakers. Who do I like for the Stanley Cup? I like a lot of the teams. I like a lot of teams that are playing each other. Like, I like, I sort of like the Capitals.

I like the Rangers. I like the Flyers. I don't like the Devils. I'll never get over that boring style of play that got them three Stanley Cups. That left wing lock trap defense during the clutch and grab era made me almost abandon the game. And for some reason I blame them when I know people played that for years. So I can't get into them. Although I do think it's funny that they went all Stanley Cups right across the river from fucking New York.

That does make me laugh. So in a pinch, if I had to vote, vote, vote for either that was vote or in route at the same time. If I had to vote for Jersey or the Rangers. That's a tough one. Rangers is just such a legendary club, even though they haven't won one Stanley Cup in 72 fucking years. I still like them though. I like the Flyers. I like to see the St. Louis Blues.

And I would say I'd like to see the LA Kings if they're fucking fans weren't also Laker fans. You know, I just, I don't know. I'm so fucking sick. You know, you know how depressing it was to go back to Boston and run into the fucking morons that I did. For the most part, I met nice people, but just a couple of those. It was just so fucking depressing because I love going back to Boston because as far as a sports fan, I've been, I've been behind enemy lines since when I left in 1995. I went to New York City and I live in LA.

So I have had to deal with Yankee fans, Jets fans and now Laker fans. And I just want to go to a place where I can express affection for my teams and not have to immediately get into some sort of fucking debate. And then I go back there and then it's just that shit, you know, and I know now that I admitted that those things happened in Boston. Now I'm going to get a bunch of holier than thou fucking emails from people, but you have to understand that I've traveled for 20 years as a comedian and I've done the third show Saturday night. And, and I've talked to those people. So I bring it. If you want to fucking talk down to me, why am I defending boss?

I can't defend it. Can't defend it, but you know, I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. All right, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Bye.